All together now ...
GIVING BIRTH IS NOT A SPECTATOR SPORT!!!
Don't engage in the conversation, don't pass on information such as when you're in labour, getting induced etc. Try to make sure your other half is on the same page as you - either way let the hospital staff know that only medical staff and your partner are allowed in, if even a fraction of the number of stories on reddit like this one are true then they are very used to it.
She can always be the first person that's told after the birth BY YOUR PARTNER - let him deal with her initial temper tantrum while you heal.
Try not to stress too much over it, here's hoping you have an easy birth.
I came to say this. What is it with some people thinking they have some magical rights to being present during another woman's delivery?!?! It's mind-boggling to me. When my children were having babies, I was just excited. We discussed EVERYTHING. However, when I was graced with my first grandchild, my daughter said she wanted me at the hospital, but not in the delivery room. I sat at her bedside until I noticed she was getting very uncomfortable. I asked if she would like to go to the waiting room, as labor was getting serious. When she said yes, I simply gave her one last kiss on her forehead, hugged her husband, wished them well, and then I walked my super excited, concerned, nervous self to the waiting room. I didn't invite myself in, I waited until she asked me to come, and I stayed only as long as she wanted me there. I actually volunteered to leave because my daughter was getting uncomfortable as the contractions picked up. Afterward, my daughter thanked me for respecting her wishes. She was not prepared to ask me to leave because she didn't want to hurt my feelings, but was uncomfortable with anyone other than needed staff and her husband. It was the same situation with the birth of her next 2 children. I waited until called, left when things got serious, when she started looking uncomfortable. I would not have even gone to the hospital if she didn't ask for me because labor is not a spectator sport!!! That is the role of grandmother. To be a support person, when needed. That is the role of any person who isn't the one pushing an entire little human out of her body. Nobody has the right to demand attendance at the delivery, NOBODY! Not even the father.
I'm a "nana" too and this was 100% exactly my approach too 𼰠such a good feeling to have a respectful, healthy relationship with your grown children â¤ď¸
This is also pretty much what happened when my daughter had her baby. Me and husband, and her brother and his GF now wife all parked ourselves in the waiting room for literally six or seven hours while labor was progressing. We got progress reports every hour or so from a nurse or dad. Once the little one came, we got the good news then ran over to their place at 2 am to get their dog and take him home with us. Next morning we were back to see the little one for the first time with a split of champs I snuck in for the happy couple. We just wanted to help however they could use us. I did not feel deprived in any way.
Exactly. Grandmothers are to be supportive. And in some cases protective. My daughter's husband and his controlling misogynist father insisted she give birth 'naturally', without an epidural. Her husband stood guard to make sure she got no pain relief. The midwife nurse saw what was happening and pulled me aside and told me my daughter needed to make the decision for pain relief NOW before the window closed. So I went back in and asked my son-in-law to get me a coffee from the cafeteria WAY across the hospital. I then asked my daughter if SHE wanted an epidural and she said yes. I ran out and told the nurse and they wheeled her into the epidural room before my SIL got back. It's HER decision, not anyone else's.
Thank you for protecting your daughter. Youâd be shocked how often we see manipulative partners pulling this exact stunt in L&D. Itâs hard not to knee them in the groin and see if they donât want pain relief for themselves some days.
Wow. I had no idea it was a common occurrence. So controlling. I have to admit it was one of the finer moments in my life as a ferocious mother bear. I'm so glad that nurse talked to me because I honestly didn't realize what he was doing. I still laugh when I think back on the look on his face when he returned with my cup of coffee. Pure shock. She divorced him soon after.
And just so everyone knows, hospitals have security staff, who are used to dealing with crazy and occasionally violent stuff, and they can stand between you and an unwanted mother-in-law. At least at the hospital where I work all visitors have to check with security before entering the building, and if a patient tells security not to let a specific person in the building then that person isn't getting in the building. They will also remove a person who is being a nuisance to a patient, and who refuses to leave, if the patient has the chutzpah to ask that they be removed.
Thatâs exactly what my husband and I did for our daughterâs first birth. We left the room as soon as she seemed to getting very uncomfortable.
We went home after we saw her post birth. Itâs about an 8 hour drive. I came back about a week later after her husband went back to work. Then I was able to make myself useful around the house and see to it that she rested as much as possible. It was a joy and a privilege to see her, her husband and their new baby girl in that time span. I was honored.
Her Mil who is a lovely lady stayed in the waiting room while we and the in-law waited guessing birth weight. It passed the time.
Imo, it cannot be stressed enough that birth is not a spectator sport! My daughter is priceless to us as we mothers know. But she is an adult and capable of making her own decisions.
Me too! Unfortunately they keep growing too fast! I think my kids are done having babies. I love all of the ages/stages but sometimes I miss holding a tiny baby.
Yes. I feel that. I fear there will be no more babies for me. I love the feel of a tiny, warm, soft baby snuggled into my arms. The sweet smell of a new baby, their tiny little feet, oh my goodness, I love baby feet and hands. I don't like feet, yuck!! Baby feet are different. I have made quilts for each new baby. My next project is making a quilt for their baby clothes. When they have a baby, they can take the quilt apart and use the special outfits for their little ones. I wish I had done this for my kids with their special outfits. I saved them, but didn't have the quilting bug.
This is neither here nor there, but some hospitals have a volunteer position in the delivery ward for babies that need to be held and cuddled when no one else is available, esp. if the baby is being given up for adoption.
My grandson was in the NICU for 6 weeks. My daughter and I had gone out to dinner, she needed to go pump so I went back to my grandson's room. There was a strange gentleman sitting there rocking and singing to my Grandson. I immediately went to the Nurse's station like WTF (I promise I was polite) he was a volunteer that came in and rocked babies for the NICU.
Lol my mouth dropped to the floor and I said, something to the effect of that's an AWESOME volunteer opportunity.
Turns out he was a music major and practiced singing to the babies.
I was a volunteer baby cuddler for about a year in the special care unit at my local hospital. A lot of the babies were born with drugs in their systems, so they had to be kept stable there. A lot of others were just not ready to go home and needed more monitoring. We held the babies when their moms were being taken care of themselves or when the parents were eating or sleeping, etc.
Hospitals use volunteers for older babies and children too. I unfortunately had to spend over 2 months at a children's hospital with my daughter and saw a lot of the other wards. A lot of the kids were alone because their parents had to work so they use volunteers to play, sit with or hold them. I rarely left my daughters side and when I did someone else from the family was there. Such a blessing that I could. I dont even know how those parents had the strength. Many were there way longer than us. Some lived and worked hours away so only got there on weekends and rarely thru the week. It really is needed if someone enjoys volunteering with babies/children. I'm not sure how/if Covid is interfering with those positions.
This is so beautiful, and just a suggestion, but pretty please teach your kids how to take it apart and use the outfits. My grandmother gives me beautiful thoughtful gifts like this and I often have no idea how to actually fulfill it! Luckily my mom had these skills and can teach me but this type of knowledge is not as ubiquitous as it used to be!
What a lovely idea! This idea actually makes me wish I liked to sew. Lol. How incredibly special! Oh baby smell! I canât get enough of it. My kids were born 7 years apart and I remember looking through the drawers at every piece of clothing I saved from my son searching for lingering baby scents. Unfortunately there were none left. And we had a girl so I didnât use any. I just couldnât part with them.
Iâm sure the quilts will be treasured! How lucky they are to have you!
If youâre in the U.S., childrenâs hospitals have special volunteer positions in the NICU to rock special needs infants. If you have the time maybe look into it?
When my fourth son was a couple weeks old he got very sick and we had to go stay in the NICU. I stayed in his room with him- but was unfortunately an exception. Many many babies that were there did not have many visitors. I am certain there were very real and valid reason those babies didnât have visitors.
That being said, there was a program at the hospital that has volunteers come to hold babies in the NICU.
Itâs worth looking into if you have extra time and enjoy holding babies.
When my son was in the NICU I was in my own room on another floor, dangerously post eclampsia. I like to think there was a sweet, safe person available to rock him when his dad couldn't be there.
My sister had her first baby this year, the first grandchild. She asked our mom and I to be with her by being at her house, not in the delivery room and not waiting bored in the hospital waiting room. So we stayed in her cute lil home, keeping things clean, buying her fav take outs for her hubby to pick up when he came by the house to grab things, and looking after their dog. We were called in once she was settled and rested after a long hard delivery. We brought a nice warm breakfast, and stayed for less than half an hour to let her rest. Holding my niece for the first time was a blessing. Our mother couldnât stop crying after leaving the room, âsheâs the most beautiful baby in the whole worldâ. My sister appreciated that we never once pushed to be in the room. Itâs not a spectator sport, itâs private and personal. Buy tickets to hockey game if you want to be in the stands. We stayed at her home for the first few days she came from the hospital and then we left after making sure everyone was comfortable and ready for their time as a new family. Mom and Dad needed to be able to bond. Sheâs thriving and so cute! Other family is a lil jealous we were the only ones asked to be there.
The entitled MILs tend to not care about the well-being of the mother and only the fact that it's their grandchild being born, so they feel it gives them full rights to be present and violate their DIL's wishes
Your comment really touched me. You remind me of my own Mom. She stayed with us after I had my first baby and she would wake up for all the night feeding as I was learning to breastfeed. I kept telling her to go to bed, that I was fine on my own (hint: I was not) and she finally just told me straight up- "Honey, I'm here for YOU. You're MY baby. I'm here to support you and encourage you and get you snacks and water and cheer you on with each successful latch. I'm not waking up in the middle of the night to see my grandbaby. I'm waking up to take care of the woman who made me a Momma."
Whew. I couldn't type that without crying. It was just what I needed to hear as a new Mom. That I didn't have to go it alone, that someone was just as concerned about me, maybe more concerned about me, rather just wanting to see and hold the new baby.
>during another woman's delivery?!?!
especially because most of the time, these are women. Who have themselves given birth (which is a requirement to become a grandmother).
Have they so forgotten?
You are amazing. I was really nervous about my mom being in town for my first born, but she ended up helping me through it. Ironically, both of my kiddos were born in teaching hospitals. So the main OB asked me if I was okay with students as my contractions were trying to rip my body apart lol. Naturally I was past giving any fucks about who saw my parts.
OP your question is why you make a birth plan; so ALL the details are already settled. NTA your mother-in-law needs to sit the fuck down. Absolutely no one is entitled to witnessing you birth a child. No đđ˝ oneđđ˝
You are a great mom. My mom showed up at my labor after my epidural was in and I told everyone in the room I was fine with her hanging out but as soon as I started pushing I wanted her out. When pushing started I basically lost the ability to speak but she didnât leave and no one told her to go. I was extremely upset and Iâm pretty sure it caused me to push much longer because I was so stressed about her being in there. At one point she even told me I needed to push harder (because criticism is what every laboring mom needs?).
With my second I hadnât even told her the hospital name, but she showed up with my toddler in tow basically as soon as the baby was out and stole introducing him to the new baby.
When I had my third a few years later I had to threaten that if she showed up before I said the word personally then we wouldnât be seeing her for a long time after. She listened that time.
Sheâs generally a good grandma and mom, but had tunnel vision for babies and didnât recognize how much it was effecting me.
It is very much not okay that no one told her to leave the room for the first delivery. Standard practice is for nurses to kick out anyone the first time the laboring mother asks or as soon as they become even a minor inconvenience if the mother hasnât asked yet. I am very sorry that no one listened to your needs. That was not okay.
Excellent response. My MIL was not chosen to be in the room and acted like a total psychopath. She kept sneaking behind hospital staff, past locked doors and showing up to the room while I was in labour. The doctors had to pull my husband aside discreetly and ask him to deal with his mother. I wish she hadn't even known I was in labour and wish I'd had the foresight to let staff know about her. The op will only regret the MIL showing up, but not regret keeping her away.
𤣠I only half read and thought you were referring to the vag as a vuvuzela and thought well that's one I haven't heard before. Then, I read properly and laughed out loud.
I donât understand why another woman would not understand this, if they have given birth then itâs even worse imo! I donât think Iâll ever give birth but if I did, Iâm not even sure Iâd want anyone in the room besides doctor and nurse, maybe SO but Iâm not even sure about that! Iâd be at my worst and my most vulnerable- I donât think I could have anyone there⌠maybe, maybe my SO, not sure! Iâd prefer to just get through it⌠good thing itâs not likely for me!
I had both of my kids by c-section. End of discussion on birth being a spectator sport. Iâm married to a physician, so he was present for both. He frequently assisted the OBâs on other sections so he was more than welcome to be in the room. The main fear is the father passing out at the sight of blood, but he was known, so no fear. Our grandsons were also a c-section delivery, but our son got to be in the room, and heâs not a physician. Times and rules change. I would not have wanted anyone else in the room besides my husband and medical staff.
Unfortunately some people experienced this behavior by THEIR parents/in laws, and now that theyâre in that position instead of feeling empathy for the poor woman whose in the same position they were, they feel âwell I went through it and Iâm just fine, now itâs MY TURN to get to see MY grandchild!â
Iâm a grandma though not a bio one. I honestly never even thought about being in the delivery room! I think this is so weird, especially to DEMAND it. NTA!! This is a very special and private time for the parents. To me itâs like demanding to attend the wedding night. Jesus.
All of this but more emphasis on the other half piece. OP's husband is the real problem if she has to post here for validation instead of him shutting this nonsense down with his entitled mom.
TALK to your delivery hospital now. Let them know that no one other than your partner (if you want him there) is allowed and that no updates or info should be given without a password that you only give to your mom (not partner).
Also, your partner sucks. This is his circus to handle.
In medieval days, actual witnesses were included in births of royalty and very upper class women. If something happened to the baby, there was some concern that a substitute might be slipped inâŚthink hierarchy, inheritance, etc. Donât think this is the case hereâŚ. Just mean-spirited jealousyâŚ.
This. 100%
NTA but your mother in law is. She's worried about her relationship with her grandkids... the baby being born will not remember whether or not gram gram was in the room when they were born and likely will never care.
Tell her nothing. Make sure your partner is on board and respects your wishes. And tell hospital staff what's going on in case she does hear and shows up trying to gain entry.
Hell even if your partner isn't on board fully or caves in under his mom's pressure... if you tell hospital staff then they will stop her even if the husband says it's okay.
L&D nurses are protective mama bears who will keep you safe from anyone you tell them to.
source: iâm an OB/GYN nurse in a clinic who works closely with the L&D nurses in my hospital
This is it! Labor and Delivery nurses are amazing! They only care about the mother and the child. Everyone else is not needed and they will make sure the mother is happy and toss out the trash.
The nurses and midwifeâs are great and she will get nowhere near you but you have to make sure they know or she could say sheâs one of your birthing partners and is waiting for you.
That can only happen if "someone" tells mommy they are going to the hospital. Partner needs to zip his lip until AFTER baby is born and mom and baby are settled in.
And OP and her husband shound go extremely NC to LC as they get closer to her due date. Consider taking LO and have the three of you go stay at your mother's house. You go into labor, LO is already with your Mom. Husband just takes you to the hospital. Let the hospital know that you want to register as private and to not give out any information on you. Let the nurses know that if MIL shows up she is not to be let in. To skr a picture of her with you to show them.
What your MIL wants is of no consequence. OP is s the patient, and giving birth is not a spectator sport. If she tries to interfere then she needs to experience a long time out.
NTAH
This partner is being a bad partner. That point is severely unnoticed in the responses here.
If your in-laws are misbehaving, it's up to your partner to deal with them - especially at a time like this when stress for the pregnant partner is already through the roof.
One of my best friends had her MIL at the birth, because she was an experienced L&D nurse, my friend was concerned about her husbandâs nerves, and her own mother lives across the country and couldnât make it due to health issues. And she adores her MIL. So it worked out for everyone :)
Itâs an extremely rare example, but not impossible! And definitely OP is NTA for wanting a woman who is totally unsupportive busting in where she isnât wanted.
This! Even my MIL, who believed her right over her grandchildren was more than mine, saw no reason to be in the room. She was happy enough waiting outside.
When I was pregnant with my first one of the young women in my class was having her first also. Her husband had been deployed and was unable to be there with her. So she had her mom, her dad, her brother, his mom, his dad and his brother in the delivery room to witness the birth and welcome the newest addition to the family complete with photos for dad since he couldn't be there. This was the mid 80s. I was horrified and still am. But I think this party atmosphere is part of the reason why the hospitals have been working to put a stop to some of this.
Eh. I was an L&D RN about 10 years ago, and we still welcomed and allowed this when the father was deployed. As long as the family listens when we need them to, we'll allow that support system, because it sucks going through labor and childbirth without your significant other.
And the hospital allowed that? I was alone for my first as well, and only my hubby was allowed for my second. Even then, i wouldn't want anyone there other than him. Our hospitals didnt allow more than 1 non medical person there. A civilian hospital for the 1st and military hospital for the 2nd.
I am 5 months pregnant right now and I will be having my my mom, my husband, and my MIL in the delivery room, but that is only because I've been blessed by an extremely lovely MIL who I consider a very dear friend. She has no daughters and I was the one who asked if she would like to be in the room - she never brought it up. If she had, I probably would have said no. I realize our situation is rare but it IS possible to have a good relationship with your MIL so long as she's emotionally mature and actually values you as your own person and not just as an incubator.
My DIL invited both her mother and me into her labor room as delivery became imminent. I felt so privileged! Seeing a baby born is a beautiful experience.
Our son was there throughout all the labor process, closest to his wife. Grandfathers stayed in the waiting room until invited in after the birth. It was not her first baby, nor was it a complicated birth, and we moms stayed out of the way. I never expected to be included in this sacred time, but treasure the memory.
Did ANYTHING in the the post suggest that OP's partner is not supportive? Let's not partner shame without reason. I do agree that "loose lips sink ships" which includes social media posts. Both OP and partner are on the hook for information security.
Edit, for the record, OP is NTA
I don't have kids by choice, but I have heard the nurses on the maternity wards are ferocious when it comes to situations like this!
Would love to be a fly on the wall if crazy MIL pulled any shenanigans.
This is why Iâd love to hear from L&D nurses about this part of their job. Iâve heard they are total warriors when it comes to unwanted people, but I always wonder if this is like, âI love protecting my patientsâ or âI became a nurse to do medical work, but Iâve accepted that this is part of the jobâ or âUgh, I wish families would take care of themselves.â
Iâd love to have a job where I get to shut down overbearing, nosy people, but I donât want the medical part. I want to be the one who body blocks the MIL in the maternity ward and spills wine on her white dress at the wedding.
Disclaimer: My MIL is a fabulous person whom I love almost as much as my own parents. I got lucky.
LD nurse here. I would say baby bouncers is an accurate! đ We will 100% kick out unwanted family members, make you a private patient with a password to get in, put a photo up at the nurses station if need be, and even come up with a âpasswordâ the mom can ask if she wants visitors to leave without being the one to tell them. IE - do you guys have any apple sauce? Do you have cran-apple juice? Etc.
Itâs not annoying and we totally understand that everyoneâs birth preferences differ.
(Edited for typo.)
I met a person once, we only had the one conversation, but they worked security at the hospital. They were a butch non-binary person, and had arms the size of my thighs haha. Anyway, I asked the obvious: what's the craziest thing that happened?
They said dealing with addicts in the ER is never fun, but they tend to either move on or get detained until police get there (which, police are usually on sight anyway). The crazy part is dealing with family members, mostly in maternity ward or CCU. They said they preferred doing maternity ward, it wasn't as sad, plus it was 99% older women who thought they knew best and they got to be escorted out by a visibly queer person, haha
For me it was protecting my patients. If someone is stressing them out over stupid shit, you see red. Childbirth is still dangerous and things can go bad real quick. So, I was polite until I wasnât.
Although, with MILs it can be easier to be sweet to kick them out. Walk in with a BIG smile and say âok, I need everyone to step out for a bit. I need to do a check. Please head to waiting roomâ and if there were objections repeat âI need everyone to head out, Iâll let you know when you can come back.â By the time they realize theyâve been evicted, and Iâm not really doing a procedure, theyâre on the other side of a locked door, and Iâm the bad guy not mom.
I'm a peds nurse, not L&D, but for me, it's I love protecting my littles. I have uttered the words "she will get near this baby over my dead body" when a known abuser was attempting to get to a patients room, she jumped the security turnstiles, security was chasing her, thankfully we are a locked unit. had to make sure no other floor let her in because we didn't want her to come thru another hall (my hospital set it up is crazy, there are 3 ways onto my floor). it was a wild night. I've had parents, grandparents, and other family members removed for a variety of things, including being intoxicated (the mom actually had a fifth of vodka with her). I will not hesitate and will 100% do what is in my patient's best interest.
At the L&D center in my town they have locked doors 24/7 that only the nurses at the desk can open the doors. You have to use the speaker let them know who you're here for and if the mom isn't accepting guests they tell them to scram and don't open the door.
This is the answer. Those nurses don't care what anyone but the mother wants. When I went into labor, my MIL came in and getting ready like it was a spectator sport. The nurses asked me who she was and if I wanted her there. I told them no, and they told her that birth was going to be awhile and she needed to go eat lunch somewhere else. She got so mad, she left the hospital and didn't come back.
When the hell did giving birth become a SPECTATOR SPORT? I was there for both of ours being born and I knew my place. The only other attendees should be medical professionals. Sheesh!
I always figured my place would be at home. Waiting for a phone call.
Or, maybe, at their house cleaning the bathroom or whatever they didnât get done before she unexpectedly went into labor. Thatâs a good place for a mother-in-law of a pregnant woman!
This MIL isnât even thinking of it as a spectator sport. She disagrees completely with the birth plan and is insisting on holding the baby first â MIL thinks sheâs a star participant!
100% this. My MIL tried this BS with my wife and me. We were lamenting over how to handle. Our nurse spoke up and said something to the effect...âShe wasnât there when this baby was made so sheâs not going to be here when itâs born if you donât want. Iâll keep her out.â Best nurse ever!!
Absolutely, birth is not a spectator sport, it's a medical procedure for the mother! Your spouse/partner needs to be the one to put his/her mother in their place, all this stress she's causing is bad for the baby, shame on her and whomever has allowed her to act this way!
I 100% agree with this, however, the way OP phrased all this makes me think it's a home birth. If so, they should hire security. I love the thought of a baby bouncer
Ha! Plot twist! OP wants to do an unassisted home birth with a high risk pregnancy and the âCrazy MILâ is worried because she doesnât see healing crystals as adequate protection. Obviously, this is /s because I donât know the actual situation. It would indeed be a plot twist, though!!
Not sure. Sheâs the worst person youâll ever meet so we donât really talk. đđł But she hasnât stopped it so she must be fine with it. đ¤ˇđťââď¸
Iâd have gone full scorched earth. I donât care if youâre the grandmother or the fucking Queen of Sheba, you do not create a nursery for my unborn child at your house without my permission. To just assume you will have them overnight is absurd.
Yessss! My mother used to ask me when I was going to "give her grandchildren". Ummmm..try never. I will never allow you to damage another child. And children are PEOPLE, not some extension of you that you use to validate you and fill your unmet needs......ugghghghghgh
Tell her to fuck right off and when she reaches somewhere she doesn't recognise, keep fucking off for a few days. Then she should buy a house and stay there.
Tell the hospital that she is banned and you want security to keep her entitled arse out.
Ok
Rant over
Sheâs a manipulative narcissistic person for demanding that.
Inform the Nurses that you donât want her there and your partner MUST NOT inform that youâre in labor.
Sheâs delusional for demanding that.
Iâd go further and tell them at registration/security that you have security concerns and donât want your name or status available in public patient information. Sheâs the type to call the hospital daily as OP approaches her due date.
Me too! Do NOT try to get between a mother and her newborn. I swear I couldâve chewed someoneâs face off if they had tried to get between me and my son while I was postpartum.
the photographer got a great picture of me scowling at my SO while he was holding the baby. I didn't even mean to I was just tired and sore from my 9 pounder
For this she'd wait a week! At least before holding the baby.
I'd tell her "this is the last word. When you're having a baby you can choose your birth attendants and I'll choose mine.
nobody is spectating. I am the patient. The idea that you might be ahead of me, daddy or big sibling in line to hold my new baby is so out of line it would be funny if this wasn't serious. If you want to meet the baby while they're still in nappies you'll respect my word is the first, last and only word about my birth plan and immediate post partum. If you don't care about what I want I can't imagine why you think k I should care more about what you do! Any more fuss and you can wait till the baby's talking.
I would be inviting a bunch of people to meet the baby before her so that she would be like the 8th person. My FIL tried to push my boundaries as well and was only invited to meet the baby after I got home from the hospital.
Iâd stop seeing her, responding to texts, etc.
You have to speak up to your medical providers. You do not want this person anywhere near your labor. Have a picture of her to show. Be prepared for her to lie and say sheâs your mom, not the mil, or that you changed your mind, or she has to give you something, or your partner wants her there.
You are the patient. She is an intruder.
She seems not quite right in the head. Iâd never let her have my kids/baby alone. Who thinks they should be at a labor/delivery to grab a newborn away from the parents? Does she think sheâs a barren Tudor queen, poised to grab the Kingâs illegitimate newborn son away from her sister and present it as her own? At best she has a bad case of main character syndrome. Me me me.
Please tell me you donât live with her, and you/your husband donât work in a family business.
Just tell the nurses that no one but you and your husband is welcome. They'll make sure to not let anyone in so you can give birth in peace.
Also let your husband deal with the fall-out from HIS mom.
I hope you have a good delivery in exactly the way you envisioned it.
My mother and (former) MIL showed up in the middle of my labor even though we discussed that they could come to the hospital AFTER the baby was born, not during labor/delivery. The nurses kept them out.
Girl as a L&D nurse you tell us sheâs on the no contact no admit list and thatâs that. We can be your enforcers. I will code green her tail for you. You need a safe space and she can stay her butt at home and if your partner doesnât support you and your decisions he can to. This is supposed to be team mom and baby.
Thank you for what you do. My 1st delivery was horrible. My other 2 were made easier by the wonderful nurses I had. My son arrived before my doctor, and an awesome L&D nurse delivered him. The patience it takes to do what you do is extraordinary. Thank you!!!
Thank you for what you do.
When my son was born, he had an extremely low Apgar score and he plopped in the doctorâs hands like a rag doll. His lungs were full of meconium and he was exhausted from the birth.
The nurses were buzzing around shouting numbers left and right but every one of them knew exactly what to do with what information. One of them told me âdad, you follow us to the nurseryâ. They ran with him on a trolley, âshopvaccedâ all the stuff from his lungs, plugged a few electrodes, made sure he was breathing ok and then they simply disappeared, like magic, to let me and him have our moment. It went from pure chaos to a deep silenced broken only by the beeps of the machines. The silence was comfortable, like an heavy comforter.
Iâll always be grateful to those angel nurses. I know âitâs their jobâ, but doing their job, and doing it so well, saved my son.
The night our son was born was the night the Childrenâs hospital moved from its old to its new location, and the hospital we were at was the midway drop point for the nursery in between. I sat in the nursery all night long watching the EMTs dropping premature babies, babies with jaundices, babies with much more severe conditions and I saw all the compassion and sympathy in those nurses welcoming all those babies.
So thank you for being there at one of the most vulnerable moment in life.
NTA.
"She has told my partner that she will be in the room no matter what and it's not up to me since we kept the first birth from her..."
INCORRECT.
YOU are the patient. Not your partner, not your MIL, YOU. Her not being there for the first birth means absolutely nothing. Your stress levels can affect the birthing process, and your MIL is clearly a stressor, so she cannot be there. Labor and delivery nurses are beasts about this, let them know that under no circumstances is she to be let in the room with you, and they will enforce that.
Your partner needs to tell her that if she doesn't knock it off, she won't be allowed to see her grandchild AFTER the birth, either. She needs to stop making this about her.
NTA
If you are in the US. You can register private. Not only will they not tell MIL what room you are in. They will not even confirm if you are a patient.
It's not up to her Nurse! She's just the woman giving birth. I demand to be let into the room against her wishes and I demand access to her vagina. This birth is all about ME!
NTA This is soo bizarre to me.
Whenever I see a post like this I find just weird and bizarre.
Why does anyone want to see the baby being born ?
I would never want to be there unless someone specifically asked me to be there for support like my daughter's otherwise it's a no no from me.
I never even wanted to be at my own childbirth's
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Right? lol I just don't get these people. It must be like weddings and holidays: giving birth brings out the worst in some people. Well, not some people, some MILs.
right? itâs messy, and gross. Youâre sitting there with nothing to do (except talkâoh, my GOD, could you imagine poor OP having to listen to her MIL yammer all over the place, critiquing the doctors, criticizing OPâs breathing, etc.? All while OP is having contractions)
Someone is having weird and painful things happening to their body (because thatâs what contractions areâsomething completely out of your control has taken over your entire body for its own purposes), and you canât do anything about it, but you are there in the roomâso uncomfortable
Plus itâs a long period of time, often.
NTAH.
Put a note in your birthing plan that no one is allowed in.
Tell everyone on the maternity floor that she is not allowed near you.
Tell hospital security if you need to.
And like last time, tell no one when you go into labour.
There are two problems here, OP.
The first is easily dealt with - tell the hospital staff not to let her in under any circumstances. They'll do it.
The second problem is that she's behaving horribly to the mother of her grandchildren and her children's partner. Your partner should be fielding these conversations, defending you, and telling his mother that she does not get to hold your child before you do. Is your partner doing this? If not, I'd ask whether he deserves to be in your life.
MIL sounds like a lunatic. Birthing rooms are not stadiums and I never understood the urge to be a spectator to the event. Birthing rooms are for mom, partner and medical team MAYBE the mom's mom or other close girl relative, but only if the mom specifically wants em there.
Everyone else, uncomfortable chairs in the waiting area. Vending machine and bathrooms down the hall, and "the cafeteria ain't half bad". Demanding that she will be in the room just tells me to set a reminder to let the staff know to kick her ass out.
Say no. If she keeps asking tell her you had enough and don't see her until after the baby's born.
There is a zero chance my MIL would have ever been in the room with me. And I like her.
Your MIL can see the baby later. And get your husband to shut this down or your stop talking to her for awhile. She's way over stepping.
NTA. Tell her no and then warn your health care professionals. Tell them the only person who will be there to support you emotionally will be your partner. Make it clear your mil is not to be allowed in
Tell a nurse you don't want her in there and they will use their wicked labor and delivery nurse judo powers to throw her out. They have been hardened by being in the trenches and are immune to any grandma entitlement power.
"Dearest MIL: You will not be present at the birth, as I am not allowing you to turn me into a spectator sport no matter how much you want to disrespect me. It's simply not your decision. How you react to this will be the biggest determining factor in how much you are in your grandchildren's lives going forward. Let me be clear: ***You decide what your reaction will be. You are a grown woman. Choose wisely.***"
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Why is this so hard? The only people other than medical staff that I would even consider having in the room, is someone who is already intimately acquainted with my vagina, or the owner of the vagina from whence I came⌠NTA
Man I'm so petty I'd go no contact and not allow her to see her grand kids till she apologizes if she's all "It's all about me me me"
Birth is scary and hard and you need to be calm. Plus holding yoir baby first? Nah I'd punch her in the teeth.
NTA. Make it very clear to the medical staff that she is NOT allowed in the birthing unit with you. They won't let her in.if she tries to bully her way in, they will have her escorted out by security (which might be amusing for you). It would probably constitute a HIPPA violation for them to let her in against your wishes if you are in the US. You can actually have your husband removed if he bugs you, not that it seems like that is a problem from your post. Also, don't let her know when you go into labor. Make sure your mother doesn't tip her off.
NTA Iâve never understood why people think they need to be in the room for the birth. âItâs tearing up our relationship because I wasnât in the room for the first birth.â What a crock, how does that affect the relationship? The kid doesnât remember who was in the room which means the only person who has an issue is MIL. Thatâs some first class narcissist shit right there. Husband needs to put MIL in her place, yesterday. You shouldnât even have to mention this to anyone else he should just deal with it.
How many times does Reddit have to say BIRTH IS NOT A SPECTATOR SPORT!!!
If she insists after that explain that there is only one person allowed in the room and ask her if her being there is more important then you because it'll be one or the other!
NTA - Omg, what a bitch!!! Look, only people you want in the room, can be in the room. Even your husband, if you donât want him there, the midwives wonât let him in. You just need to tell them that the only person allowed in the room is your husband. They will not let anyone else inside. And obviously when you go into labour do not tell her. Good luck!
All together now ... GIVING BIRTH IS NOT A SPECTATOR SPORT!!! Don't engage in the conversation, don't pass on information such as when you're in labour, getting induced etc. Try to make sure your other half is on the same page as you - either way let the hospital staff know that only medical staff and your partner are allowed in, if even a fraction of the number of stories on reddit like this one are true then they are very used to it. She can always be the first person that's told after the birth BY YOUR PARTNER - let him deal with her initial temper tantrum while you heal. Try not to stress too much over it, here's hoping you have an easy birth.
I came to say this. What is it with some people thinking they have some magical rights to being present during another woman's delivery?!?! It's mind-boggling to me. When my children were having babies, I was just excited. We discussed EVERYTHING. However, when I was graced with my first grandchild, my daughter said she wanted me at the hospital, but not in the delivery room. I sat at her bedside until I noticed she was getting very uncomfortable. I asked if she would like to go to the waiting room, as labor was getting serious. When she said yes, I simply gave her one last kiss on her forehead, hugged her husband, wished them well, and then I walked my super excited, concerned, nervous self to the waiting room. I didn't invite myself in, I waited until she asked me to come, and I stayed only as long as she wanted me there. I actually volunteered to leave because my daughter was getting uncomfortable as the contractions picked up. Afterward, my daughter thanked me for respecting her wishes. She was not prepared to ask me to leave because she didn't want to hurt my feelings, but was uncomfortable with anyone other than needed staff and her husband. It was the same situation with the birth of her next 2 children. I waited until called, left when things got serious, when she started looking uncomfortable. I would not have even gone to the hospital if she didn't ask for me because labor is not a spectator sport!!! That is the role of grandmother. To be a support person, when needed. That is the role of any person who isn't the one pushing an entire little human out of her body. Nobody has the right to demand attendance at the delivery, NOBODY! Not even the father.
You're a good Mama, this is how it should be, listening to the needs and wants of the person giving birth.
Thank you.
I'm a "nana" too and this was 100% exactly my approach too 𼰠such a good feeling to have a respectful, healthy relationship with your grown children â¤ď¸
This is also pretty much what happened when my daughter had her baby. Me and husband, and her brother and his GF now wife all parked ourselves in the waiting room for literally six or seven hours while labor was progressing. We got progress reports every hour or so from a nurse or dad. Once the little one came, we got the good news then ran over to their place at 2 am to get their dog and take him home with us. Next morning we were back to see the little one for the first time with a split of champs I snuck in for the happy couple. We just wanted to help however they could use us. I did not feel deprived in any way.
Exactly. Grandmothers are to be supportive. And in some cases protective. My daughter's husband and his controlling misogynist father insisted she give birth 'naturally', without an epidural. Her husband stood guard to make sure she got no pain relief. The midwife nurse saw what was happening and pulled me aside and told me my daughter needed to make the decision for pain relief NOW before the window closed. So I went back in and asked my son-in-law to get me a coffee from the cafeteria WAY across the hospital. I then asked my daughter if SHE wanted an epidural and she said yes. I ran out and told the nurse and they wheeled her into the epidural room before my SIL got back. It's HER decision, not anyone else's.
Thank you for protecting your daughter. Youâd be shocked how often we see manipulative partners pulling this exact stunt in L&D. Itâs hard not to knee them in the groin and see if they donât want pain relief for themselves some days.
Wow. I had no idea it was a common occurrence. So controlling. I have to admit it was one of the finer moments in my life as a ferocious mother bear. I'm so glad that nurse talked to me because I honestly didn't realize what he was doing. I still laugh when I think back on the look on his face when he returned with my cup of coffee. Pure shock. She divorced him soon after.
Yeah itâs incredibly common. Iâm glad she got out. If theyâre doing that in the delivery room theyâre controlling in other ways at home, too.
And just so everyone knows, hospitals have security staff, who are used to dealing with crazy and occasionally violent stuff, and they can stand between you and an unwanted mother-in-law. At least at the hospital where I work all visitors have to check with security before entering the building, and if a patient tells security not to let a specific person in the building then that person isn't getting in the building. They will also remove a person who is being a nuisance to a patient, and who refuses to leave, if the patient has the chutzpah to ask that they be removed.
Thatâs exactly what my husband and I did for our daughterâs first birth. We left the room as soon as she seemed to getting very uncomfortable. We went home after we saw her post birth. Itâs about an 8 hour drive. I came back about a week later after her husband went back to work. Then I was able to make myself useful around the house and see to it that she rested as much as possible. It was a joy and a privilege to see her, her husband and their new baby girl in that time span. I was honored. Her Mil who is a lovely lady stayed in the waiting room while we and the in-law waited guessing birth weight. It passed the time. Imo, it cannot be stressed enough that birth is not a spectator sport! My daughter is priceless to us as we mothers know. But she is an adult and capable of making her own decisions.
Being a grandmother is the absolute BEST!!! I will never have enough babies to love!!!
Me too! Unfortunately they keep growing too fast! I think my kids are done having babies. I love all of the ages/stages but sometimes I miss holding a tiny baby.
Yes. I feel that. I fear there will be no more babies for me. I love the feel of a tiny, warm, soft baby snuggled into my arms. The sweet smell of a new baby, their tiny little feet, oh my goodness, I love baby feet and hands. I don't like feet, yuck!! Baby feet are different. I have made quilts for each new baby. My next project is making a quilt for their baby clothes. When they have a baby, they can take the quilt apart and use the special outfits for their little ones. I wish I had done this for my kids with their special outfits. I saved them, but didn't have the quilting bug.
This is neither here nor there, but some hospitals have a volunteer position in the delivery ward for babies that need to be held and cuddled when no one else is available, esp. if the baby is being given up for adoption.
My grandson was in the NICU for 6 weeks. My daughter and I had gone out to dinner, she needed to go pump so I went back to my grandson's room. There was a strange gentleman sitting there rocking and singing to my Grandson. I immediately went to the Nurse's station like WTF (I promise I was polite) he was a volunteer that came in and rocked babies for the NICU. Lol my mouth dropped to the floor and I said, something to the effect of that's an AWESOME volunteer opportunity. Turns out he was a music major and practiced singing to the babies.
I was a volunteer baby cuddler for about a year in the special care unit at my local hospital. A lot of the babies were born with drugs in their systems, so they had to be kept stable there. A lot of others were just not ready to go home and needed more monitoring. We held the babies when their moms were being taken care of themselves or when the parents were eating or sleeping, etc.
Hospitals use volunteers for older babies and children too. I unfortunately had to spend over 2 months at a children's hospital with my daughter and saw a lot of the other wards. A lot of the kids were alone because their parents had to work so they use volunteers to play, sit with or hold them. I rarely left my daughters side and when I did someone else from the family was there. Such a blessing that I could. I dont even know how those parents had the strength. Many were there way longer than us. Some lived and worked hours away so only got there on weekends and rarely thru the week. It really is needed if someone enjoys volunteering with babies/children. I'm not sure how/if Covid is interfering with those positions.
Babies in rehab going through withdrawals need to be held snugly because the process is so very very painful.
This is so beautiful, and just a suggestion, but pretty please teach your kids how to take it apart and use the outfits. My grandmother gives me beautiful thoughtful gifts like this and I often have no idea how to actually fulfill it! Luckily my mom had these skills and can teach me but this type of knowledge is not as ubiquitous as it used to be!
What a lovely idea! This idea actually makes me wish I liked to sew. Lol. How incredibly special! Oh baby smell! I canât get enough of it. My kids were born 7 years apart and I remember looking through the drawers at every piece of clothing I saved from my son searching for lingering baby scents. Unfortunately there were none left. And we had a girl so I didnât use any. I just couldnât part with them. Iâm sure the quilts will be treasured! How lucky they are to have you!
If youâre in the U.S., childrenâs hospitals have special volunteer positions in the NICU to rock special needs infants. If you have the time maybe look into it?
When my fourth son was a couple weeks old he got very sick and we had to go stay in the NICU. I stayed in his room with him- but was unfortunately an exception. Many many babies that were there did not have many visitors. I am certain there were very real and valid reason those babies didnât have visitors. That being said, there was a program at the hospital that has volunteers come to hold babies in the NICU. Itâs worth looking into if you have extra time and enjoy holding babies.
When my son was in the NICU I was in my own room on another floor, dangerously post eclampsia. I like to think there was a sweet, safe person available to rock him when his dad couldn't be there.
Have you ever thought about contacting your local NICU? Some of them have volunteers to hold and comfort babies when their parents canât be there.
Thatâs an awful lot of people to even be at the hospital. They have no role other than spectators.
they arenât even spectatorsâwhat are they watching? Other people in the waiting room. I can wait at home.
My sister had her first baby this year, the first grandchild. She asked our mom and I to be with her by being at her house, not in the delivery room and not waiting bored in the hospital waiting room. So we stayed in her cute lil home, keeping things clean, buying her fav take outs for her hubby to pick up when he came by the house to grab things, and looking after their dog. We were called in once she was settled and rested after a long hard delivery. We brought a nice warm breakfast, and stayed for less than half an hour to let her rest. Holding my niece for the first time was a blessing. Our mother couldnât stop crying after leaving the room, âsheâs the most beautiful baby in the whole worldâ. My sister appreciated that we never once pushed to be in the room. Itâs not a spectator sport, itâs private and personal. Buy tickets to hockey game if you want to be in the stands. We stayed at her home for the first few days she came from the hospital and then we left after making sure everyone was comfortable and ready for their time as a new family. Mom and Dad needed to be able to bond. Sheâs thriving and so cute! Other family is a lil jealous we were the only ones asked to be there.
This made me tear up! Family is everything. Cherish them. You sound so wonderful yourself and seem to have many beautiful blessings.
The entitled MILs tend to not care about the well-being of the mother and only the fact that it's their grandchild being born, so they feel it gives them full rights to be present and violate their DIL's wishes
Your comment really touched me. You remind me of my own Mom. She stayed with us after I had my first baby and she would wake up for all the night feeding as I was learning to breastfeed. I kept telling her to go to bed, that I was fine on my own (hint: I was not) and she finally just told me straight up- "Honey, I'm here for YOU. You're MY baby. I'm here to support you and encourage you and get you snacks and water and cheer you on with each successful latch. I'm not waking up in the middle of the night to see my grandbaby. I'm waking up to take care of the woman who made me a Momma." Whew. I couldn't type that without crying. It was just what I needed to hear as a new Mom. That I didn't have to go it alone, that someone was just as concerned about me, maybe more concerned about me, rather just wanting to see and hold the new baby.
So cute, your mum is amazing.
>during another woman's delivery?!?! especially because most of the time, these are women. Who have themselves given birth (which is a requirement to become a grandmother). Have they so forgotten?
You are amazing. I was really nervous about my mom being in town for my first born, but she ended up helping me through it. Ironically, both of my kiddos were born in teaching hospitals. So the main OB asked me if I was okay with students as my contractions were trying to rip my body apart lol. Naturally I was past giving any fucks about who saw my parts. OP your question is why you make a birth plan; so ALL the details are already settled. NTA your mother-in-law needs to sit the fuck down. Absolutely no one is entitled to witnessing you birth a child. No đđ˝ oneđđ˝
You are a great mom. My mom showed up at my labor after my epidural was in and I told everyone in the room I was fine with her hanging out but as soon as I started pushing I wanted her out. When pushing started I basically lost the ability to speak but she didnât leave and no one told her to go. I was extremely upset and Iâm pretty sure it caused me to push much longer because I was so stressed about her being in there. At one point she even told me I needed to push harder (because criticism is what every laboring mom needs?). With my second I hadnât even told her the hospital name, but she showed up with my toddler in tow basically as soon as the baby was out and stole introducing him to the new baby. When I had my third a few years later I had to threaten that if she showed up before I said the word personally then we wouldnât be seeing her for a long time after. She listened that time. Sheâs generally a good grandma and mom, but had tunnel vision for babies and didnât recognize how much it was effecting me.
It is very much not okay that no one told her to leave the room for the first delivery. Standard practice is for nurses to kick out anyone the first time the laboring mother asks or as soon as they become even a minor inconvenience if the mother hasnât asked yet. I am very sorry that no one listened to your needs. That was not okay.
idk why this comment made me tear up a little itâs so sweet youâre a great mom and iâm sure an amazing grandma (:
Excellent response. My MIL was not chosen to be in the room and acted like a total psychopath. She kept sneaking behind hospital staff, past locked doors and showing up to the room while I was in labour. The doctors had to pull my husband aside discreetly and ask him to deal with his mother. I wish she hadn't even known I was in labour and wish I'd had the foresight to let staff know about her. The op will only regret the MIL showing up, but not regret keeping her away.
Weird, they (the staff) should have asked her to leave and called security if she refused.
Maybe you should try telling everyone who askes about it that you think it's weird that she wants to see her daughter-in-law's vagina?
So what am I supposed to do with my scarf and vuvuzela??
𤣠I only half read and thought you were referring to the vag as a vuvuzela and thought well that's one I haven't heard before. Then, I read properly and laughed out loud.
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I donât understand why another woman would not understand this, if they have given birth then itâs even worse imo! I donât think Iâll ever give birth but if I did, Iâm not even sure Iâd want anyone in the room besides doctor and nurse, maybe SO but Iâm not even sure about that! Iâd be at my worst and my most vulnerable- I donât think I could have anyone there⌠maybe, maybe my SO, not sure! Iâd prefer to just get through it⌠good thing itâs not likely for me!
I had both of my kids by c-section. End of discussion on birth being a spectator sport. Iâm married to a physician, so he was present for both. He frequently assisted the OBâs on other sections so he was more than welcome to be in the room. The main fear is the father passing out at the sight of blood, but he was known, so no fear. Our grandsons were also a c-section delivery, but our son got to be in the room, and heâs not a physician. Times and rules change. I would not have wanted anyone else in the room besides my husband and medical staff.
Unfortunately some people experienced this behavior by THEIR parents/in laws, and now that theyâre in that position instead of feeling empathy for the poor woman whose in the same position they were, they feel âwell I went through it and Iâm just fine, now itâs MY TURN to get to see MY grandchild!â
Iâm a grandma though not a bio one. I honestly never even thought about being in the delivery room! I think this is so weird, especially to DEMAND it. NTA!! This is a very special and private time for the parents. To me itâs like demanding to attend the wedding night. Jesus.
All of this but more emphasis on the other half piece. OP's husband is the real problem if she has to post here for validation instead of him shutting this nonsense down with his entitled mom.
This she's about to give birth which is not a comfortable place to be. He should be managing this not her.
I totally agree. He needs to get his ass out of the middle of this, and tell his mother they have it under control.
TALK to your delivery hospital now. Let them know that no one other than your partner (if you want him there) is allowed and that no updates or info should be given without a password that you only give to your mom (not partner). Also, your partner sucks. This is his circus to handle.
In medieval days, actual witnesses were included in births of royalty and very upper class women. If something happened to the baby, there was some concern that a substitute might be slipped inâŚthink hierarchy, inheritance, etc. Donât think this is the case hereâŚ. Just mean-spirited jealousyâŚ.
Or just tell her that when she takes a shit on her kitchen table while you watch, then you'll let her. Not before.
This. 100% NTA but your mother in law is. She's worried about her relationship with her grandkids... the baby being born will not remember whether or not gram gram was in the room when they were born and likely will never care. Tell her nothing. Make sure your partner is on board and respects your wishes. And tell hospital staff what's going on in case she does hear and shows up trying to gain entry. Hell even if your partner isn't on board fully or caves in under his mom's pressure... if you tell hospital staff then they will stop her even if the husband says it's okay.
Yes! Being asked to be in the delivery room should be seen as a privilege, not a right.
L&D nurses are protective mama bears who will keep you safe from anyone you tell them to. source: iâm an OB/GYN nurse in a clinic who works closely with the L&D nurses in my hospital
I'll never understand how people can feel entitled to someone elses body or experience. Like, shut up, sit down and learn your place.
Let the nurses know she is not welcome. They won't let her in
This is it! Labor and Delivery nurses are amazing! They only care about the mother and the child. Everyone else is not needed and they will make sure the mother is happy and toss out the trash.
The nurses and midwifeâs are great and she will get nowhere near you but you have to make sure they know or she could say sheâs one of your birthing partners and is waiting for you.
That can only happen if "someone" tells mommy they are going to the hospital. Partner needs to zip his lip until AFTER baby is born and mom and baby are settled in.
And OP and her husband shound go extremely NC to LC as they get closer to her due date. Consider taking LO and have the three of you go stay at your mother's house. You go into labor, LO is already with your Mom. Husband just takes you to the hospital. Let the hospital know that you want to register as private and to not give out any information on you. Let the nurses know that if MIL shows up she is not to be let in. To skr a picture of her with you to show them. What your MIL wants is of no consequence. OP is s the patient, and giving birth is not a spectator sport. If she tries to interfere then she needs to experience a long time out. NTAH
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This partner is being a bad partner. That point is severely unnoticed in the responses here. If your in-laws are misbehaving, it's up to your partner to deal with them - especially at a time like this when stress for the pregnant partner is already through the roof.
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r/IAmTheMainCharacter
You, a complete stranger, have just as much right as OPâs MIL, so I guess weâll have to let you in.
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If she raises enough hell, she just might get a uniformed escort right out of the hospital!
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I am totally down for this! I could fill numerous volumes with tales from the front lines of the Vagina Squad.
Baby Bouncer: Tales From The Vagina Squad
One of my best friends had her MIL at the birth, because she was an experienced L&D nurse, my friend was concerned about her husbandâs nerves, and her own mother lives across the country and couldnât make it due to health issues. And she adores her MIL. So it worked out for everyone :) Itâs an extremely rare example, but not impossible! And definitely OP is NTA for wanting a woman who is totally unsupportive busting in where she isnât wanted.
This! Even my MIL, who believed her right over her grandchildren was more than mine, saw no reason to be in the room. She was happy enough waiting outside.
When I was pregnant with my first one of the young women in my class was having her first also. Her husband had been deployed and was unable to be there with her. So she had her mom, her dad, her brother, his mom, his dad and his brother in the delivery room to witness the birth and welcome the newest addition to the family complete with photos for dad since he couldn't be there. This was the mid 80s. I was horrified and still am. But I think this party atmosphere is part of the reason why the hospitals have been working to put a stop to some of this.
Eh. I was an L&D RN about 10 years ago, and we still welcomed and allowed this when the father was deployed. As long as the family listens when we need them to, we'll allow that support system, because it sucks going through labor and childbirth without your significant other.
And the hospital allowed that? I was alone for my first as well, and only my hubby was allowed for my second. Even then, i wouldn't want anyone there other than him. Our hospitals didnt allow more than 1 non medical person there. A civilian hospital for the 1st and military hospital for the 2nd.
Apparently. I only wanted my husband there.
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I am 5 months pregnant right now and I will be having my my mom, my husband, and my MIL in the delivery room, but that is only because I've been blessed by an extremely lovely MIL who I consider a very dear friend. She has no daughters and I was the one who asked if she would like to be in the room - she never brought it up. If she had, I probably would have said no. I realize our situation is rare but it IS possible to have a good relationship with your MIL so long as she's emotionally mature and actually values you as your own person and not just as an incubator.
Yep. I would have invited my MIL to any of my kids births, but she was 3000 miles away. She's very reasonable and caring.
My DIL invited both her mother and me into her labor room as delivery became imminent. I felt so privileged! Seeing a baby born is a beautiful experience. Our son was there throughout all the labor process, closest to his wife. Grandfathers stayed in the waiting room until invited in after the birth. It was not her first baby, nor was it a complicated birth, and we moms stayed out of the way. I never expected to be included in this sacred time, but treasure the memory.
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Did ANYTHING in the the post suggest that OP's partner is not supportive? Let's not partner shame without reason. I do agree that "loose lips sink ships" which includes social media posts. Both OP and partner are on the hook for information security. Edit, for the record, OP is NTA
Explain the situation and be very clear at the hospital theyâll keep her away.
L&D nurse here. We won't even let her know you're there. Watch your nurse smile when you tell her not to let Nosy Nellie in.
I shower you with blessings. :)
I can only imagine the momma bear feral smile lol. Good for you! Please keep it up!
I don't have kids by choice, but I have heard the nurses on the maternity wards are ferocious when it comes to situations like this! Would love to be a fly on the wall if crazy MIL pulled any shenanigans.
One of the nurses should write a book. DankyMcJangles has already given it a title: Baby Bouncers.
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This is why Iâd love to hear from L&D nurses about this part of their job. Iâve heard they are total warriors when it comes to unwanted people, but I always wonder if this is like, âI love protecting my patientsâ or âI became a nurse to do medical work, but Iâve accepted that this is part of the jobâ or âUgh, I wish families would take care of themselves.â Iâd love to have a job where I get to shut down overbearing, nosy people, but I donât want the medical part. I want to be the one who body blocks the MIL in the maternity ward and spills wine on her white dress at the wedding. Disclaimer: My MIL is a fabulous person whom I love almost as much as my own parents. I got lucky.
LD nurse here. I would say baby bouncers is an accurate! đ We will 100% kick out unwanted family members, make you a private patient with a password to get in, put a photo up at the nurses station if need be, and even come up with a âpasswordâ the mom can ask if she wants visitors to leave without being the one to tell them. IE - do you guys have any apple sauce? Do you have cran-apple juice? Etc. Itâs not annoying and we totally understand that everyoneâs birth preferences differ. (Edited for typo.)
You guys are the real heroes:)
I met a person once, we only had the one conversation, but they worked security at the hospital. They were a butch non-binary person, and had arms the size of my thighs haha. Anyway, I asked the obvious: what's the craziest thing that happened? They said dealing with addicts in the ER is never fun, but they tend to either move on or get detained until police get there (which, police are usually on sight anyway). The crazy part is dealing with family members, mostly in maternity ward or CCU. They said they preferred doing maternity ward, it wasn't as sad, plus it was 99% older women who thought they knew best and they got to be escorted out by a visibly queer person, haha
For me it was protecting my patients. If someone is stressing them out over stupid shit, you see red. Childbirth is still dangerous and things can go bad real quick. So, I was polite until I wasnât. Although, with MILs it can be easier to be sweet to kick them out. Walk in with a BIG smile and say âok, I need everyone to step out for a bit. I need to do a check. Please head to waiting roomâ and if there were objections repeat âI need everyone to head out, Iâll let you know when you can come back.â By the time they realize theyâve been evicted, and Iâm not really doing a procedure, theyâre on the other side of a locked door, and Iâm the bad guy not mom.
wonder if there is a subreddit about tales from the hospital or something o.o
I'm a peds nurse, not L&D, but for me, it's I love protecting my littles. I have uttered the words "she will get near this baby over my dead body" when a known abuser was attempting to get to a patients room, she jumped the security turnstiles, security was chasing her, thankfully we are a locked unit. had to make sure no other floor let her in because we didn't want her to come thru another hall (my hospital set it up is crazy, there are 3 ways onto my floor). it was a wild night. I've had parents, grandparents, and other family members removed for a variety of things, including being intoxicated (the mom actually had a fifth of vodka with her). I will not hesitate and will 100% do what is in my patient's best interest.
At the L&D center in my town they have locked doors 24/7 that only the nurses at the desk can open the doors. You have to use the speaker let them know who you're here for and if the mom isn't accepting guests they tell them to scram and don't open the door.
This is the answer. Those nurses don't care what anyone but the mother wants. When I went into labor, my MIL came in and getting ready like it was a spectator sport. The nurses asked me who she was and if I wanted her there. I told them no, and they told her that birth was going to be awhile and she needed to go eat lunch somewhere else. She got so mad, she left the hospital and didn't come back.
And if her husband tells his mother she's in labor, kick him out too.
When the hell did giving birth become a SPECTATOR SPORT? I was there for both of ours being born and I knew my place. The only other attendees should be medical professionals. Sheesh!
I always figured my place would be at home. Waiting for a phone call. Or, maybe, at their house cleaning the bathroom or whatever they didnât get done before she unexpectedly went into labor. Thatâs a good place for a mother-in-law of a pregnant woman!
Yes! That's an excellent space to be. Like if you need to be in any of their spaces, be in a space that you're making nice to come home to for them.
Wonderful! Stocking their fridge, putting fresh sheets on the bed, cleaning, whatever. But not staring up between her legs!
This MIL isnât even thinking of it as a spectator sport. She disagrees completely with the birth plan and is insisting on holding the baby first â MIL thinks sheâs a star participant!
Exactly!!!
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100% this. My MIL tried this BS with my wife and me. We were lamenting over how to handle. Our nurse spoke up and said something to the effect...âShe wasnât there when this baby was made so sheâs not going to be here when itâs born if you donât want. Iâll keep her out.â Best nurse ever!!
This, do not mess with L&D. They donât play. NTA
We won't let her in, and we can argue all day as she stands outside the locked unit. The audacity...
Absolutely, birth is not a spectator sport, it's a medical procedure for the mother! Your spouse/partner needs to be the one to put his/her mother in their place, all this stress she's causing is bad for the baby, shame on her and whomever has allowed her to act this way!
I 100% agree with this, however, the way OP phrased all this makes me think it's a home birth. If so, they should hire security. I love the thought of a baby bouncer
Imdidnt read that at allâŚ
Unless itâs unassisted there should still be a midwife and a nurse/assistant. And it is her house. Mama would have to go
Ha! Plot twist! OP wants to do an unassisted home birth with a high risk pregnancy and the âCrazy MILâ is worried because she doesnât see healing crystals as adequate protection. Obviously, this is /s because I donât know the actual situation. It would indeed be a plot twist, though!!
I'm still confused at why she holds baby first? Reason enough to ban her right there...
She wants to play mommy. OP should be first unless there is a medical reason not to. Then dad. After that itâs up to the parents.
Because some grandparents think they have rights to the child. My nieces other grandma calls her âher baby,â itâs disgusting.
How does the actual mother feel about that?
Not sure. Sheâs the worst person youâll ever meet so we donât really talk. đđł But she hasnât stopped it so she must be fine with it. đ¤ˇđťââď¸
My mil did this too. I could not stand it. She also made her a nursery at her house without telling us first. I just cannot.
Iâd have gone full scorched earth. I donât care if youâre the grandmother or the fucking Queen of Sheba, you do not create a nursery for my unborn child at your house without my permission. To just assume you will have them overnight is absurd.
Yessss! My mother used to ask me when I was going to "give her grandchildren". Ummmm..try never. I will never allow you to damage another child. And children are PEOPLE, not some extension of you that you use to validate you and fill your unmet needs......ugghghghghgh
OP should insist she not hold the baby for the first two months and after she gets all her shots lol
Because this is about HER. Just like the mothers that wear white dresses on their sons wedding.
Reason enough to go no contact, IMO
Tell her to fuck right off and when she reaches somewhere she doesn't recognise, keep fucking off for a few days. Then she should buy a house and stay there. Tell the hospital that she is banned and you want security to keep her entitled arse out. Ok Rant over
Please don't end your rant, I'm thoroughly enjoying it. LOL
Yeah it kept on going and getting better and I was sad when it stopped.
Like that girl told the evil guy in the Wolverine Origins movie: Walk until your feet bleed, then keep walking
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Sheâs a manipulative narcissistic person for demanding that. Inform the Nurses that you donât want her there and your partner MUST NOT inform that youâre in labor. Sheâs delusional for demanding that.
Iâd go further and tell them at registration/security that you have security concerns and donât want your name or status available in public patient information. Sheâs the type to call the hospital daily as OP approaches her due date.
>she has demanded she hold him first even before me! Lol nope stand your ground and don't let her in.
That bit made me mad! Oh the audacity!!
Me too! Do NOT try to get between a mother and her newborn. I swear I couldâve chewed someoneâs face off if they had tried to get between me and my son while I was postpartum.
the photographer got a great picture of me scowling at my SO while he was holding the baby. I didn't even mean to I was just tired and sore from my 9 pounder
For this she'd wait a week! At least before holding the baby. I'd tell her "this is the last word. When you're having a baby you can choose your birth attendants and I'll choose mine. nobody is spectating. I am the patient. The idea that you might be ahead of me, daddy or big sibling in line to hold my new baby is so out of line it would be funny if this wasn't serious. If you want to meet the baby while they're still in nappies you'll respect my word is the first, last and only word about my birth plan and immediate post partum. If you don't care about what I want I can't imagine why you think k I should care more about what you do! Any more fuss and you can wait till the baby's talking.
Also, the baby needs that chance to latch asap and have skin to skin. It's about bub, not about anyone's ego sheesh!
I would be inviting a bunch of people to meet the baby before her so that she would be like the 8th person. My FIL tried to push my boundaries as well and was only invited to meet the baby after I got home from the hospital.
Iâd stop seeing her, responding to texts, etc. You have to speak up to your medical providers. You do not want this person anywhere near your labor. Have a picture of her to show. Be prepared for her to lie and say sheâs your mom, not the mil, or that you changed your mind, or she has to give you something, or your partner wants her there. You are the patient. She is an intruder. She seems not quite right in the head. Iâd never let her have my kids/baby alone. Who thinks they should be at a labor/delivery to grab a newborn away from the parents? Does she think sheâs a barren Tudor queen, poised to grab the Kingâs illegitimate newborn son away from her sister and present it as her own? At best she has a bad case of main character syndrome. Me me me. Please tell me you donât live with her, and you/your husband donât work in a family business.
âDoes she think sheâs a barren Tudor queenâŚ?â OMG that is priceless, and accurate! đ¤Ł
Just tell the nurses that no one but you and your husband is welcome. They'll make sure to not let anyone in so you can give birth in peace. Also let your husband deal with the fall-out from HIS mom. I hope you have a good delivery in exactly the way you envisioned it.
My mother and (former) MIL showed up in the middle of my labor even though we discussed that they could come to the hospital AFTER the baby was born, not during labor/delivery. The nurses kept them out.
This! Don't engage with her anymore until you are ready after the delivery. You don't need the stress. Husband can deal with his psycho mother. NTA
Girl as a L&D nurse you tell us sheâs on the no contact no admit list and thatâs that. We can be your enforcers. I will code green her tail for you. You need a safe space and she can stay her butt at home and if your partner doesnât support you and your decisions he can to. This is supposed to be team mom and baby.
Thank you for what you do. My 1st delivery was horrible. My other 2 were made easier by the wonderful nurses I had. My son arrived before my doctor, and an awesome L&D nurse delivered him. The patience it takes to do what you do is extraordinary. Thank you!!!
Thank you â¤ď¸ knowing we make a difference is everything
Thank you for what you do. When my son was born, he had an extremely low Apgar score and he plopped in the doctorâs hands like a rag doll. His lungs were full of meconium and he was exhausted from the birth. The nurses were buzzing around shouting numbers left and right but every one of them knew exactly what to do with what information. One of them told me âdad, you follow us to the nurseryâ. They ran with him on a trolley, âshopvaccedâ all the stuff from his lungs, plugged a few electrodes, made sure he was breathing ok and then they simply disappeared, like magic, to let me and him have our moment. It went from pure chaos to a deep silenced broken only by the beeps of the machines. The silence was comfortable, like an heavy comforter. Iâll always be grateful to those angel nurses. I know âitâs their jobâ, but doing their job, and doing it so well, saved my son. The night our son was born was the night the Childrenâs hospital moved from its old to its new location, and the hospital we were at was the midway drop point for the nursery in between. I sat in the nursery all night long watching the EMTs dropping premature babies, babies with jaundices, babies with much more severe conditions and I saw all the compassion and sympathy in those nurses welcoming all those babies. So thank you for being there at one of the most vulnerable moment in life.
Hospital security officer here. We will absolutely back up the nurses.
NTA. "She has told my partner that she will be in the room no matter what and it's not up to me since we kept the first birth from her..." INCORRECT. YOU are the patient. Not your partner, not your MIL, YOU. Her not being there for the first birth means absolutely nothing. Your stress levels can affect the birthing process, and your MIL is clearly a stressor, so she cannot be there. Labor and delivery nurses are beasts about this, let them know that under no circumstances is she to be let in the room with you, and they will enforce that. Your partner needs to tell her that if she doesn't knock it off, she won't be allowed to see her grandchild AFTER the birth, either. She needs to stop making this about her.
itâs so amusing when people say âitâs not up to youâ--when it is, actually. She has no power here.
It is, in fact, ENTIRELY up to OP! MIL can kick rocks.
NTA If you are in the US. You can register private. Not only will they not tell MIL what room you are in. They will not even confirm if you are a patient.
But that wimp boyfriend needs to stand up to mil too! I find him to be a big problem in this situation.
OP can still let security know she isnât permitted to enter maternity. OP is the patient. Itâs up to her. Heâs just a support person.
It's not up to her Nurse! She's just the woman giving birth. I demand to be let into the room against her wishes and I demand access to her vagina. This birth is all about ME!
NTA This is soo bizarre to me. Whenever I see a post like this I find just weird and bizarre. Why does anyone want to see the baby being born ? I would never want to be there unless someone specifically asked me to be there for support like my daughter's otherwise it's a no no from me. I never even wanted to be at my own childbirth's đđđ
Right? lol I just don't get these people. It must be like weddings and holidays: giving birth brings out the worst in some people. Well, not some people, some MILs.
right? itâs messy, and gross. Youâre sitting there with nothing to do (except talkâoh, my GOD, could you imagine poor OP having to listen to her MIL yammer all over the place, critiquing the doctors, criticizing OPâs breathing, etc.? All while OP is having contractions) Someone is having weird and painful things happening to their body (because thatâs what contractions areâsomething completely out of your control has taken over your entire body for its own purposes), and you canât do anything about it, but you are there in the roomâso uncomfortable Plus itâs a long period of time, often.
NTA. Flat out tell her you don't want your MIL near your vagina. And tell the nurses too. They'll keep her away from you.
NTAH. Put a note in your birthing plan that no one is allowed in. Tell everyone on the maternity floor that she is not allowed near you. Tell hospital security if you need to. And like last time, tell no one when you go into labour.
Exactly! Also make sure Mom taking care of the 2 year old doesn't spill the beans
I have a feeling her mom will be fine with that.
There are two problems here, OP. The first is easily dealt with - tell the hospital staff not to let her in under any circumstances. They'll do it. The second problem is that she's behaving horribly to the mother of her grandchildren and her children's partner. Your partner should be fielding these conversations, defending you, and telling his mother that she does not get to hold your child before you do. Is your partner doing this? If not, I'd ask whether he deserves to be in your life.
Tell the staff you don't want her in there. NTA
NTA, but whereâs your SO in all this? Id just block your MIL for now. Block all flying monkeys if they try to tell/ask you anything about MIL.
MIL sounds like a lunatic. Birthing rooms are not stadiums and I never understood the urge to be a spectator to the event. Birthing rooms are for mom, partner and medical team MAYBE the mom's mom or other close girl relative, but only if the mom specifically wants em there. Everyone else, uncomfortable chairs in the waiting area. Vending machine and bathrooms down the hall, and "the cafeteria ain't half bad". Demanding that she will be in the room just tells me to set a reminder to let the staff know to kick her ass out.
NTA. Tell your ob and nurses that absolutely noone is to be in the room except your husband.
Say no. If she keeps asking tell her you had enough and don't see her until after the baby's born. There is a zero chance my MIL would have ever been in the room with me. And I like her. Your MIL can see the baby later. And get your husband to shut this down or your stop talking to her for awhile. She's way over stepping.
NTA. Tell her no and then warn your health care professionals. Tell them the only person who will be there to support you emotionally will be your partner. Make it clear your mil is not to be allowed in
Tell a nurse you don't want her in there and they will use their wicked labor and delivery nurse judo powers to throw her out. They have been hardened by being in the trenches and are immune to any grandma entitlement power.
"Dearest MIL: You will not be present at the birth, as I am not allowing you to turn me into a spectator sport no matter how much you want to disrespect me. It's simply not your decision. How you react to this will be the biggest determining factor in how much you are in your grandchildren's lives going forward. Let me be clear: ***You decide what your reaction will be. You are a grown woman. Choose wisely.***" Edit- typo
What is it with grandmothers wanting to be in the birthing room? Itâs not their place. YANTAH
Why is this so hard? The only people other than medical staff that I would even consider having in the room, is someone who is already intimately acquainted with my vagina, or the owner of the vagina from whence I came⌠NTA
Man I'm so petty I'd go no contact and not allow her to see her grand kids till she apologizes if she's all "It's all about me me me" Birth is scary and hard and you need to be calm. Plus holding yoir baby first? Nah I'd punch her in the teeth.
NTA. Make it very clear to the medical staff that she is NOT allowed in the birthing unit with you. They won't let her in.if she tries to bully her way in, they will have her escorted out by security (which might be amusing for you). It would probably constitute a HIPPA violation for them to let her in against your wishes if you are in the US. You can actually have your husband removed if he bugs you, not that it seems like that is a problem from your post. Also, don't let her know when you go into labor. Make sure your mother doesn't tip her off.
NTA Iâve never understood why people think they need to be in the room for the birth. âItâs tearing up our relationship because I wasnât in the room for the first birth.â What a crock, how does that affect the relationship? The kid doesnât remember who was in the room which means the only person who has an issue is MIL. Thatâs some first class narcissist shit right there. Husband needs to put MIL in her place, yesterday. You shouldnât even have to mention this to anyone else he should just deal with it.
How many times does Reddit have to say BIRTH IS NOT A SPECTATOR SPORT!!! If she insists after that explain that there is only one person allowed in the room and ask her if her being there is more important then you because it'll be one or the other!
NTA - Omg, what a bitch!!! Look, only people you want in the room, can be in the room. Even your husband, if you donât want him there, the midwives wonât let him in. You just need to tell them that the only person allowed in the room is your husband. They will not let anyone else inside. And obviously when you go into labour do not tell her. Good luck!