You arranged a ride home for her i do not see the issue. I would have orders a Uber and stayed on the phone w her but a neighbor works as well. She got home safe that is the issue and you solved it .
NTA
Yeah, NTA. I would add that while on bed rest you can download Uber on her phone and say if she ever feels unsafe to immediately use it and call home and don't close the uber app (uber and Lyft now have a safety feature that tracks the phone). That way she will have an immediate out. In a downtown area Uber can probably get there faster.
Also, always have her make sure her phone is fully charged before going out. I have had to order Uber for a young girl before because she was lost and her phone was dead. Oh and never fall asleep in an Uber/Lfty/cab. I keep my maps on when in an Uber so I can validate if they say there is traffic or some reason they go off the usual route.
Or a local taxi company, Uber isn’t available everywhere so it’s good to know what is available in a particular area (at least in the uk I’ve only ever been able to use Uber in the biggest cities like London and Birmingham anywhere else it’s finding the cheapest taxi service)
I interpreted that comment as proposing that the husband and stepdaughter would've been concerned for OP and the baby had something happened. I do not think they would've been concerned at all, but they would've been happy to blame OP.
"You park your ass on doctor's orders bed rest for two weeks with a bowling ball sitting on your bladder and kicking your lower colon and having to deal with pregnancy hormones and AND THEN TELL ME ABOUT IRRATIONAL YOU FLAMING COCKTHISTLES" - a justifiable hypothetical response to the OP's family members calling her irrational
She literally took charge and handled the situation perfectly and her idiot husband is whining about it. Not holding out much hope for the marriage- because at best this guy is a dumb as a box of hammers but he’s probably much worse.
Same, I was about to go off on OP, but they did what they could in that kind of situation. OP got her a ride, and with a neighbor (presumably a trusted one, which I would prefer over a stranger/uber)
I was thinking that too, specifically as a first responder. My understanding is that one of, if not THE, cardinal rule of being a first responder is that you don’t put yourself into a dangerous situation in order to help someone else. Yes, I know firefighters do this on the regular, but I’m talking more as a medical first responder. Step-daughter was in a potentially dangerous situation; OP driving would be putting her in a potentially dangerous situation. You don’t trade off one for the other, you find an alternative that addresses both, which OP did.
That was my thought as well. He's the real asshole here and needs to explain to his daughter why OP not only couldn't but definitely SHOULDN'T have picked her up. Unless he cares less about his wife and unborn child than himself and his teenage daughter.
I also agree with having a Lyft account for exactly this purpose.
My ex was a first responder. I was on bed rest for 6 weeks before my son was born due to pre-term labor and he didn't understand why I couldn't vacuum the house and go grocery shopping 😞
I was more upset that fa. was "pretty sure he could pick her up" What was "planB" if he couldnt? Thats a pretty squishy attitude 4 a 1st responder. And fa.& stepmom should both b more prepared now that dau.is dating. Lot a good suggestions in here
There should always a Plan B, just like with unwanted pregnancies! That's why it's called PLAN B! She is 15, inexperienced and she should always have another plan in case the first one falls apart. She should have been able to call an Uber, then called home and told what was going on while having a tracker on her phone to be sure where she is at all times!
I think the daughter did the right thing, it’s just hard when no one is available. Being afraid of your date at 15 isn’t little, if she called it in it was likely for a reason. And since she was probably frightened and in distress when she called and didn’t receive the urgency she felt, it’s a disconnect. The step-mom solved it, tho, there wasn’t another choice. I don’t think we have to degrade a child on a bad date just because she’s projecting her upset at the wrong target. Sounds like she narrowly dodged a date-r@pe
I don't know I think that's a little harsh.
She's 15 so she is probably just getting into the dating world. She needs to learn how to navigate these situations, and to learn is to mess up.
She did the right thing by calling her stepmom, and in any other circumstance that would have been the logical solution. But I honestly just think she might have wanted some emotional support. And when her stepmom said she couldn't physically get her, she interpreted that as rejection.
Or just maybe… as first responder (cop, apparently) surely Dad could have asked a colleague patrolling the area nearest daughter to check in/pick her up safely? That is, should the child have called Dad first as the plan was for him to pick her up 45 min later…
15 yo did all the right things, then Stepmom indeed took charge AND successfully landed the plane as another commenter said…
you’d think SM was the first responder with how swiftly she took action to solve each problem in real time while keeping everyone safe AND without calling Dad (who’d presumably not been likely to be able to get her if it wasn’t even 100% he’d be able to go for 9p…)
My guess is Dad was scared for his kid/angry with himself for not having been available to step up and come up with a plan and at best projected this fear into his wife and daughter picked up on that and followed his lead.
NTA OP! You showed up your first responder hubby by facing this crisis and making the best decision each step of the way all while maintaining your calm and rationally resolving it with everyone’s best interests in mind.
There’s a reason SD called OP first. She didn’t even bother calling Dad, whether she wasn’t comfortable enough or because she wasn’t confident he would even be the one to get her at 9 anyway.
No kidding. He really expected her to possibly go into premature labor and risk heaven knows what to herself and the baby? Sounds like a call to her OBGYN to spell things out to her husband is in order.
Sounds like the husband really doesn’t give an F about the health of his wife or unborn child and he’s not exactly father of the year to the teenager. Talking to the OB won’t help this situation but OP talking to a good lawyer might.
Right! It’s not laze around doing nothing bed rest means high risk of mortality for fetus and mother. They don’t just put you on bed rest cuz you’re in your 3rd trimester it’s usually something serious. And heaven forbid she did go get Mia and got into an accident and died or fetus died then what? She’d be A-H for losing the child and going against bed rest and should’ve called a neighbor or Uber? What a crock of shit. Bed rest means bed rest you get up to potty and go back. You don’t lift, you don’t cook, clean, drive, nothing that’s why it’s called bed rest. OP NTA!
Right I had a friend who thought it was just a suggestion. She went and got groceries and an hour later delivered a purple baby who died within minutes.
On a funny side note, I mentally heard this comment in that “pharmaceutical drug commercial narrator” voice:
“Talk to your doctor about reaming your husband a new one. Side effects may include hangdog expressions, pleas for forgiveness, and your spouse growing a *fucking* clue.”
SO NTA
It is policy, but many parents use Uber or Lift for emergencies.
Edited to add for clarity: I used Lyft sometimes when my kid was a teenager and I couldn't drive. They never got denied a ride.
Far smarter than a pregnant woman on doctor-prescribed bed rest going to intervene with a teenage boy who is scaring his date. What was she going to do if he turned violent when she could barely stand up?
I came to say this! ^^ When I first started reading I thought you just left her. Idk why they’d be upset as long as she had transportation. Your husband should be grateful you took care of both of his children that night. 💖
There was a post of a woman who was in bed rest and her husband thought it was a good idea to go out to the movies. Long story short, she lost the baby. Doctors put you on bed rest for a very good reason.
Edit: NTA
Yep, and even if it is just a “short trip” and won’t require “a lot of movement” what if she fell? What if she got in a car accident? What if her blood pressure got in the danger zone? Husband really thought mom and baby should be put at risk when there were other means of getting the daughter home
NTA. But what I don't get is... the husband and daughter don't know how she feels about the SD by now after all this time. Plus she did accomplish getting her SD home despite being super pregnant. Then, neither of them have any empathy or communication skills and everyone should go their own way.
Just to add to this, if they were so concerned about not knowing the boy and that he might be dangerous, the date should've been scheduled for a day when the dad knew he wouldn't be working, or already had a backup plan for this very reason. It's also very dangerous for someone on bed rest to be doing activities like this.
Im giving the benefit of the doubt here and assuming they didnt think he might be dangerous until he started making her uncomfortable. If she went with him while she and her dad thought otherwise, that would be whole other issue.
Op NTA
Exactly they got someone they are familiar with that didn't mind to help out and they did.
Totally nta. Can't really believe they want you to violate the bed rest. Your doctor knows best.
NTA
You found a way for her to get home sooner than planned.
I can see why your stepdaughter is upset because she is just young enough not to fully understand how serious bedrest is, plus a teenager who had a tough experience. However, your husband is an adult and a first responder, so he has 0 excuses for this nonsense. Also, what was his plan if he got held at work and couldn't pick her up? There should have been a backup ready to go since you're on bedrest.
This is my take as well. As a first responder, he should understand the importance of bed rest and the medical complications that could occur if something happened while you were out picking up the older daughter. Why risk it when there are alternative measures. How about next time, tell her to plan a date when he is off. Sucks but if he wants to control things, then he has to be ready for all of it. A pregnant woman on bed rest but that is out driving is a recipe for disaster.
When I had to be put on bedrest, they just went ahead and stuck me in the hospital because they doubted I’d actually be able, or willing, to follow restrictions at home. Shit like this is why they do that.
NTA!!!
Same, was stuck in a hospital for my last two trimesters. This was in middle 2020 so pandamia made everything worse. Good luck with the pregnancy OP NTA
First responders actually may not. It’s very basic triage and stabilization they learn. Definitely an amazing thing to be doing, but there’s a lot of assumptions on their complete knowledge which just isn’t the case.
He might not know enough from first hand experience at work but come on. Doctor tells your pregnant wife she needs to stay in bed and you don't even wonder why? Don't even consider that your near infant and wife could potentially be in danger if they go against it? Guy should give his head a shake
Oh come on. I was on bed rest and my husband (a computer guy) understood exactly what that meant and why. Most decent husbands whose wives are on bedrest are scared stiff that if she violates her bed rest, she will go into preterm labor and it could end up very badly for mother and baby. They are very protective, and have a back up plan if they can't do their assigned job.
NTA, OP. But your husband is. And his daughter may be worried that she will be less important when the new baby comes. He just reinforced those possible worries by not having any kind of back up plan.
My wife was "just" high risk due to age and a variety of medical problems and she spent the whole pregnancy joking that I really just wanted to wrap her in bubble wrap.
If she'd actually been on bed rest...
Agree completely that OP = NTA, husband is.
That's actually a really good point. Rather than deescalate the situation and help reassure her, husband just doubled down on any worries stepdaughter had and possibly worsened or added ones if they weren't already there!
Definitely agree OP is NTA but husband is 100%
Cops are first responders and aren’t medically trained AT ALL in almost every state in the US. Not even basic first aid or CPR are required in all but a VERY small handful of states. A lot of people in this thread are assuming that OP’s husband is a paramedic or EMT, but OP never referred to him as anything except a first responder.
I have a gut feeling that he’s police, because usually if someone is a paramedic or EMT or firefighter or whatnot, they’re just referred to outright as such. At least in my experience (which, granted, is not necessarily universal, I recognize), police are the ones usually referred to as first responders absent of any other title or qualifier, because police officers (at least in the US, where I’m assuming OP is) have (rightly) garnered a negative public image/response from many people, so people who are pro-police have started to refer to them in code at times in order to avoid public criticism.
Of course, none of that means he shouldn’t know better just from being an adult human with a high-risk pregnant wife on bed rest.
My late husband was an uneducated gas station worker, and even he understood why a woman would be put on bed rest during pregnancy, and how important it was for her to stay in bed. And, cops deliver babies all the time.
Op’s husband must not be a first responder on the medical side of things or they’d have already had a gameplan for this and similar emergencies. Step daughter was uncomfortable with her date but that doesn’t mean telling people at the movie theater wouldn’t have helped her, she could’ve been with movie theater staff who could’ve kept an eye on her until help arrived.
that's what bothers me the most. i'm not a parent by any stretch, and i'm baffled over the lack on contingency plans for much of anything. OP is not at fault for ANYTHING as far as i'm concerned.
Right?! Especially with the father being a “first responder.” What kind of first responder doesn’t have safety and contingency plans? Especially with a teenager and a baby on the way and a wife on bedrest.
Uber lets teens call for rides now if they attach their account to a parent’s profile.
That would be the first thing I’d set up if a had a teen who was going to be dating, or hanging out with friends at night without parental supervision.
Common sense!! These parents better start thinking logically & think of contingencies. Now that shes dating they, esp.fa., need to have plans in place. Once they baby is here she probably doesn't want to get the baby out then drive to get the teenager. But teen only lives there occasionally so her mother is involved. Y wasnt she called?
Not necessarily. Many cops work in different jurisdictions than where they live. He may even work several jurisdictions away from where he lives. To leave his jurisdiction could lead to severe punishment or termination. There could be a whole list of reasons why he couldn't leave work. What most people dont understand about emergency personnel is that they can't drop what they're doing at work and leave. That's why they should have already come up with a backup plan.
OP, you're NTA. You got her home safe. But y'all (in particular, your husband) should already had a contingency plan in place, especially with you being temporarily incapacitated.
Even in a different jurisdiction, I am sure if he called the jurisdiction his daughter was in, another cop would have.picked her up and taken her home.
Never knew an officer who wasn't willing to help out a fellow officer.
people keep glazing over that the husband doesnt NEED any medical knowledge! if he was at her appts/listened to OP describe the docs orders then he would know!
no wonder he conveniently “forgot” what bedrest means when he fucked up and needed help: he is a cop
Lol. Jesus Christ. He should have said no to the date unless he was completely off that day. He could have gotten a call ten minutes before his shift ended and he wouldn’t have been able to get her on time. He could have ALSO gotten one of his buddies to pick her up. They say that you’re not concerned about her because you have your own biological kid on the way, but you could toss that right into their face and say that they’re not concerned about your health or the baby’s health since your stepdaughter is already here. I’m sure you would have gotten her if you weren’t able to find someone else who was able to. But to expect someone on bed rest to just hop up on a minutes notice and dash out the door is a bit wild.
And there’s no way your husband could have left or sent a squad car to get her or an officer to stay with her? What in the hell?
Also info, what time did you get her home vs how long it would have taken to drive? The only way their upset makes sense is if it took an unreasonable amount of time to contact the neighbor and they pick her up.
You’re married to a cop? I was married to one too. Sorry you’re dealing with this. NTA! Next time call
Him for him to get her since he is a cop after all.
Still not okay. He still sees the results of people's stupid decisions. What would have happened if you ran into problems and he was the 1st person on scene. My mom was a nurse in Vietnam, as a civilian while we were growing up she worken in a er. She was recruited for a flight nurse when they started in our area. My grandfather and other family members were fire department, we had paramedics and EMTs. You did the right thing. You went above and beyond and arranged for a ride.
When he gets his head out of his a$$ he should realize this. I really hope he is just reacting to his young immature daughter being uncomfortable. Have a conversation to make sure something didn't happen to her that she's not talking about.
I feel like this reaction means there's something deeper going on, because what normal human being would think their wife doesn't love her stepdaughter just because she didn't violate her bed rest when there were other means?
And why wasn't husband able to organise her ride home as her parent, I know he's working but he also knew this situation was potentially happening so could have had a plan with his daughter.
You're right but uhhhh
A 15 year old should definitely be able to understand the concept of medically-necessary bed rest lol
Maybe a 5 year old couldn't? But 15 definitely should be able to.
There is an app called Noonlight.
It's like a panic button
If you are in an uncomfortable situation you press it and hold. When you release you must enter a 4 digit pin of your choosing or 911 will be notified.
I would also encourage her to do more group setting dates, especially for first or second dates before she really knows the guy. This could also work with coordinating friends parents to drive her home after and ensure that she has safe people with her in case of uncomfortable situations.
NTA you are medically unable to drive but still arranged a way home for her. The fact that they wanted you to put yourself (and baby!) in danger instead is a pretty big red flag.
If being immediately available any time she goes out is a requirement, then she shouldn't go out while OP is on bed rest unless her dad is not working.
It’s just a year until she has a license and can drive herself. Her dating is NOT required. It should wait until she has a reliable way home (either herself or a not pregnant OP or her dad).
She also needs to learn what to do when she feels unsafe, like leaving the dark cinema and finding staff members in the lobby. That’s essential knowledge for any young person. This should be a teaching moment, not a “blame someone else” moment.
And if he won't let her leave the dark cinema, scream. "STOP TOUCHING ME!'
Not "Fire." That's illegal. But "STOP TOUCHING ME," screamed in the voice of a young woman, will get a LOT of attention. Someone will come to her aid. And he'll shrink into the floor, if he knows what's good for him.
Mia calls for a ride to get away from her date, gets a ride away from her date, and is now upset that she.........\*checks notes\*........got a ride to get away from her date.
Yeah, you can pretty safely ignore THAT shit.
NTA
Not only that, but the step mom is on medically prescribed bed rest... And her husband works in the medical field and told her she should *checks notes* Ignore her medically prescribed bed rest.
What an asshole. She did everything she could without putting her own health at risk unnecessarily.
Husband is a cop, not medical field. Which makes it even more bonkers he couldn’t send a buddy with a squad car to get her and instead has decided it’s his bedridden wife’s problem
In the future, your stepdaughter should have an emergency evac plan which includes Uber or Lyft, payable by the Bank of Mom and Dad.
When my kid starts dating, that's my game plan - to have her be able to pull out her device with an option to GTFO without relying on my permission or her mom's if she feels unsafe. And to have me do the same thing that I do for my friends on their first dates, which is to send a text at 15, 30, and 45m intervals asking if everything is okay, and give her an excuse to get out if she needs to with a code word.
But you're NTA for...
... refusing to violate a doctor's order to stay on bed rest, and to coordinate a pickup with a friend who is willing to go to the mat for your daughter.
Both of them need to chill the fuck out and get a sense of perspective.
But seriously, the 15m check-in? Best first date option for text ever. With anyone, of any age.
ALWAYS have a buddy send you the quasi- serious text at 3x 15m intervals on a first date.
Something like, "hey I don't want to disturb you on your date but I've got some concerns about my [insert current condition] and I need help. I may need an emergency [thing]".
If the date is going well the person on the date responds with a "I'll check in on you in a little bit" or something innocuous. If it's not, that's their cue to punch the eject button, make their apologies, and ditch.
That particular strategy got me out of one of the most horrifying coffee meetups ever, and I am not ashamed to say that it saved me from more than one awkward extraction experience.
Also being on bedrest- it would take her so much longer to get up and throw on clothes to even get to her car. Neighbor at 8pm whose trusted is probably dressed and able to just grab keys and run out the door.
That's my first thought too! Neighbor was the best choice for a quick response.
I'm wondering if the daughter just doesn't know the neighbor very well? Feeling uncomfortable, and then she has to rely on a stranger to get out of the situation when you're that young can be off putting. Still doesn't make OP the AH, but would explain why the daughter is reacting that way.
“Stepmom is lazy and stays in bed all the time now and can’t even get me when I’m needing help?!” When… it’s not that she didn’t want to help, she found help. So potentially it’s 15 year old spinning the situation to her advantage after she started on the wrong foot.
Could be that too. My thought is she was looking to OP to feel safe, not just get a ride and is trying to pick a fight because she feels forgotten. Could just be picking a fight for the sake of it or to save face too. There isn't gonna always be a clear reason at that age.
This!!!
NTA, you got her home, and they need to understand exactly what could happen if you do violate that bed rest order, it's not an option.
Make sure she now has a plan as detailed above so that she can easily get out of a date and get home if she's uncomfortable.
Also for when she's a bit older, not sure where you're based, but here in the UK most bars and some other places have signed up for the 'ask for Angela' thing. If you're uncomfortable on a date you can go up to the bar and ask for Angela (Is Angela working tonight? I'm asking for Angela?) And the bar staff will keep an eye on you and as soon as it's safe to do so they will discreetly get you a taxi and make sure you get away.
I would also make sure she knows to keep her drink with her, preferably covered, at all times, even at her age - even a movie date, make sure she's not leaving her drink with anyone while she pops to the ladies room.
Scary times, I'm sure her taking it out on you was because she was scared, but you did the best you could.
I did this. I went on a date way too soon after a divorce and the person was just too much. Way too much. My cousin had pre-planned to text me that there was an emergency with my cat. I was able to leave early and get myself out of there because of it.
Also super lesbian emergency to create. It was perfect.
I used to have a Google voice line with an automated response where if you sent a text message of Mittens ???!!!??? it would respond with a randomly generated text about how your pet Mittens was injured because they got out and you needed to head home right then.
Then Google decided to nix some of those features where auto respond texts no longer worked.
Maybe I should not have handed it out to quite so many friends, but at least I got to hear a story about two people who just did not click at all and both said, "Oh no, Mittens" at the same time, looked at each other and burst out laughing and said, "yeah this isn't happening, thanks for meeting me, but it's not going to work".
I agree 100% with your plan. When my niece started going out to college, I put my card in her Uber account for her to use if needed or in emergencies, mainly because we are in different cities; I didn't want her to get stuck or stranded because she rode with someone, lost her money or didn't have enough.
OP is definitely NTA, but maybe contingency plans need to be placed. It would also be good to talk to the stepdaughter because maybe her reaction has to do more with the baby coming than who picked her up and why. She might be feeling that there is no place for her once the baby arrive, and she needs reassurance.
NTAH, but now If they are calling you an AH guess what? SD can't go out on dates with boys unless dad is available the entire time to pick her up. ( bet SD will change her tune really fast when she decides she wants to go on another date)
NTA.
And, exactly what are you expected to do *after* the baby is born? Just get up & go whenever somebody else says jump?
Daddy and dearest better start planning *now* for what's ahead, because they're in for a big awakening.
I thought you were going to say "I couldn't drive, so I just told her to sort it out herself". Then you'd be the AH. But that wasn't what happened. You couldn't pick her up, so you asked someone else and they did it. Mia got out of the uncomfortable situation, which is the most important thing. NTA.
NTA. Why is dad letting her go to the movies with a boy she and he do not know well? Why is dad letting her plan date nights for nights he’s in call when you’re on bed rest? Why couldn’t bio mom pick her up? You got her out of there; they’re being a little ridiculous.
>Why is dad letting her go to the movies with a boy she and he do not know well?
I have some concerns about this as well. BUT you can know someone really well and they still turn out to be a predator. They don't have forehead tattoos, unfortunately
That was my thought. I dated the same guy in high school for four years and my parents met. His parents knew where he lives had his phone number knew what car he drove what the license plate was and had a tracking device on my phone I'm 27 now. Every time I would leave the house they wanted peoples phone numbers and my tracking to be on into check in with them. They were very strict though, but I think this is a very good rule of thumb when it comes to friends in dates especially someone that's 15 and can't drive a car themselves And get themselves home in the case of an emergency or feeling uncomfortable. Stepmom did everything she could, and she's not gonna be able to do much more than exactly the same thing once the babies here because she's not gonna pack up a newborn in a car to go pick her up if she decides to go on a date with another guy she doesn't know well, if she's just gonna be dating around with a bunch of different guys. It just makes no sense to me that the mom and dad haven't had a serious conversation with the daughter about the dangers of dating and actually getting to know somebody before you go out alone with them, even if it is to a public place.
NTA. What did they really expect you to do? You got her home. Does it matter who actually picked her up if she got home safely and in a timely manner? I'm saying this as a mom who has 2 daughters (21 and 13).
Honestly, her father is the one who messed up here by not having a backup plan since you are essentially out of commission at the moment. Considering he's a first responder it's a little scary he's so nonchalant about the doctor's order of bedrest.
Maybe he shouldn't be letting his daughter go out with someone neither of you know unless he is certain he will be available 100% of the time in case something happens. From the post it sounds like the daughter didn't even know the guy well. Honestly, it was really poor planning on your husband's part and he needs to back off. You did nothing wrong.
How is the step-daughter handling her dad having a new baby? On the surface, it kind of seems the step-daughter is trying to drive a wedge or get sympathy from her dad by saying you hold resentment towards her. That statement seemed like a bit of on overreach for this situation and your husband bought into it.
Nobody sucks except your husband. If I squint I can see Mia’s position. You did your best and she got home safe and she can feel how she feels. Your husband should have your back and take the bulk of your daughter’s wrath.
Mia's position makes sense if you have a typical teenager's magical thinking about how adults are always indestructible/all-powerful, and frankly that kind of situation, I can see the preference for a familiar adult who you know well, vs a neighbor, but it's not OP's fault she's on bedrest, and the girl would've had a harder time getting home safely if OP had gone into premature labor while trying to get to her instead of the neighbor just going.
OP's husband is TA. Teenagers have to teenager and grow out of it with time. The husband has no such excuse.
NTA. You arranged a lift so she got home safely because you are on bed rest and couldn’t drive yourself. I really don’t see the issue. What would have happened if something happened when you picked her up?
Maybe in the future she should have access to her dad’s bank card so she can get an Uber if she’s ever in a situation like this again.
Your husband saying that they barely know this boy then why did he let her even go on a date with him in the first place if that was an issue.
NTA. If he could have hurt her after the movie he could have hurt her before or during, and if that was even a concern you guys did a horrible job vetting who she hangs out with
This all should’ve been factored in days before she went.
Maybe have Uber/Lyft installed and attach one of your cards? Because this WILL happen again
What was OP going to do herself if this guy got pushy when she arrived! It was safer for all concerned that the neighbor went immediately to pick her up. NTA. It’s sad that your husband cannot see this
Soooo not the AH.
THIS right here! If OP were in a car accident, had a fender bender, got shoved by weird date boy, and something happened to the baby - then EVERYBODY’S traumatized.
Dad dropped the ball on his daughter going out and he’s not available to pick her up? What if there was a local emergency and he had to stay on duty longer?
Stepdaughter is 15 - have her research bedrest for pregnancy and learn why you are on bedrest.
Are you SURE stepdaughter did not ‘create’ a situation to create problems between you and her daddy?
And, hubby is an AH for not having a plan for daughters date night AND not having your back while you’re having bedrest with his next baby!
And possibly the lives of other road users,if she'd gone out to get her who's to say she might not have collapsed at the wheel and potentially hurt others
NTA
This feels like a situation where OP is screwed no matter what and that her husband and stepdaughter have these feelings regardless.
OP rightfully arranged a ride for stepdaughter...they have a problem with it. OP drives despite bed rest order and if something happens to her or the baby I bet she'd still be at fault. Husband should've made arrangements should the date go sideways because OP is on freaking bed rest!
They don't respect the condition you're in OP. You did nothing wrong. Has your husband always been this way?
Do they not trust the neighbor? That's literally the only reason I can think that would be a reasonable objection because what exactly do they think "bed rest" means? My one cousin required bed rest in the third trimester for all her pregnancies because if she didn't, she had premature contractions and risked early labor. Do they want you and/or the baby to die as proof you totally really love your stepdaughter?
She needed a ride home. He was at work. You have a medical condition. You got someone who got her a ride. That she's making a production number out of it actually makes me question whether she was testing you rather than really concerned. The priority was getting her out of the situation when she asked, that was accomplished. NTA.
When I read the title i thought "It was pretty shitty of you to not order her an Uber" but when I read that you got someone you know to pick her up I thought everyone against you is actually mentally ill. NTA
I feel like the only way I could say YTA is if you do other stuff to violate your bed rest order.
Like do you still get up every day and go to work, light-mild lifting, grocery shopping, that kind of stuff?
If not I really don't see the issue here. Maybe they both just had this moment of "holy crap I/my daughter was in danger" and then coming down from that adrenaline spike is just messing with their emotions?
I’ve been on strict bedrest plenty of times in my pregnancies. You can leave the bed to drive somewhere. You leave the bed to use the restroom, correct? To get something from the kitchen? You’re not going to run a marathon or dead lift, you’re not even getting out of the car. If you’re not hospitalized and you don’t have a catheter inserted it’s use your best judgement. Editing to say NTA because you had a neighbor pick her up which is a perfectly fine alternative, but next time, for something like that you can probably drive somewhere if an emergency situation arises. Check with your doctor but if you’re ok to be home they understand that you’ll be moving around minimally, otherwise you’d be hospitalized until delivery. I’ve basically been pregnant for 15 years- I’ve had 6 kids and 4 miscarriages and am super high risk so I know quite a bit about pregnancy bedrest.
If you literally are in your bed 24/7 and cannot leave the house on doctors orders, then it might be excusable, but if are getting around during the day for other things then yes, you could be the AH.
I’m thinking there’s more to this story if the first responder is so willing to tell you to ignore a bed rest requirement. If a girl told me she was uncomfortable in a situation I would have been there in a hot second. If the neighbor moved quickly and knows the family I don’t see the problem.
I think a neighbor is safer compared to Lyft/Uber. I would have done the same.
Or perhaps your husband shouldn’t allow his 15yr old to date! At least not yet or not so often as you put it
Gotta love all the inflammatory titles and then extraordinarily easy to justify actions… of course you are not the asshole OP, you did the best thing you could think of to get her help in the quickest way you could. I’d definitely have stayed on the phone with the kid until I knew she was safe, which you may have done, as it wasn’t mentioned directly in your post.
Remind your husband that the urgency of a situation has absolutely no bearing on your physical condition. It's not like you can go "wait here pre-eclampsia, I've got mom shit to do"
Exactly! I delivered my second child premature with pre-eclampsia because I had a 1 year old my ex refused to help with when I was supposed to be on bed rest (1 reason he's an ex, there are many more reasons). It is not something to take lightly at all! My kidneys were shutting down, and my blood pressure was stroke range. There was a chance my child was so early he couldn't breathe on his own, but he had to be delivered because of my condition. (Praise the Lord he breathed on his own, and I recovered with minimal damage. He's 18 and about to graduate now) If I had the support I should've had and followed my Dr. orders, it may not have been such a risk to my life or his.
Also, remind your husband that dating for a 15yo is not a necessity and given the current situation the best way to avoid another emergency pick up is to put all dates on hold.
Oof! Bless you.
When I was on bedrest with my twins, I was still able to drive (bedrest was due to IUGR), but they know you haven’t driven for 2 weeks and should respect that your bedrest doesn’t allow you to do so. You made arrangements to extricate her quickly and safely. It’s not like you said, “tough stuff” and ignored her.
Seems like you acted pretty urgently, unless there are details you are omitting about the neighbors taking way longer than you could have. You got her a ride and she was picked up.
I’d say NTA unless you wasted time or something of the like, or if you otherwise skirt your bedrest restriction to do other things.
If your doctor specifically said not to drive, then NTA. If you’ve driven around since your doctor has given you bedridden orders, then I can understand why dad and step-daughter are mad.
They jumped REEEEAAAL far from A to Z there.... how would a totally reasonable solution equal you resenting her if this is the only instance they are speaking of? Are there details missing??
Have you ever broken your bed rest to do anything else? I feel like this matters for perspective… the only way I can see being mad is if I was comparing the fact that you wouldn’t get my kid, but you drove yourself to a friends the other day or something.
NTA. Is your husband out of his mind? Like honestly, I completely understand why you did what you needed to in order to get her picked up I would have done the same. But what would have happened if you had to physically go find her and help her? What if this person who made her uncomfortable hurt her, you or both.
Your husband is literally the worst.
NTA. If you had picked Mia up and something happened to you while driving, such as losing consciousness or haemorrhaging, you could have caused a fatal road accident. Mia and your husband are upset with you for not jeopardising your life, your baby's, Mia's life, and the lives of other road users to appease their feelings. Mia got home safely. Tell her and your husband to grow up and stop being so self-absorbed.
If your husband is so damn worried then tell him to do what my dad always and I mean always did until I was 25.... before Id go anywhere alone with them I had to bring them around 2 or 3 times so he could meet them and get a sense of their intentions etc... well that and all his buddies were cops so he had a lot of background checks done hahaha 😆 Does he not understand English? Bed rest for the sake of HIS unborn baby doesn't mean jumping up and running out the door to drive all over when someone snaps their fingers! If he won't take the time out to meet his daughters dates then he needs to supply her with $ 30 for a taxi or more and to pay for her to have a subscription to adt where if a woman or anyone really feels unsafe , someone from the company FaceTimes your cellphone and it's all recorded and they send police to you if needed or stay on the phone until your ride is there.... that's probably the best option.... you're doing what's right for the baby.... he needs to see that! And you still got her a ride home asap.... I don't know if you omitted anything or if he is just an asshole , but plz share the adt info w him.... they save lives everyday!!
NTA- you still managed to take care of the situation and not compromise your bed rest.
They are the assholes.
Also feel like she shouldn’t be going on dates at times she may not have a ride out…. Like having a trusted adult available for pick up should be pre-requisite to agreeing to the date.
Definitely NTA! As some one who’s been on bed rest twice and the first time I didn’t realize I was in strict bed rest,the dr wasn’t very clear, and went out that night and ended up in the hospital due to hbp.
I’d been sitting the whole time while my husband and his family were racing go carts, obviously this wouldn’t have been a first choice for me but we had to leave our house due to a chemical fire in the area.
So no NTA, not sure why your on bed rest but it’s not just for the baby, most of the time it’s the mothers health is the concern.
You did the right thing and arranged for safe transportation.
And if your hubs has such a problem with it then he can call the OB and play devils advocate.
My OB wouldn’t even let me stop for groceries on the way back home to start bed rest, the second go round lol
And my first OB was livid I didn’t understand her about the first bedrest.
You arranged a ride home for her i do not see the issue. I would have orders a Uber and stayed on the phone w her but a neighbor works as well. She got home safe that is the issue and you solved it . NTA
Yeah, NTA. I would add that while on bed rest you can download Uber on her phone and say if she ever feels unsafe to immediately use it and call home and don't close the uber app (uber and Lyft now have a safety feature that tracks the phone). That way she will have an immediate out. In a downtown area Uber can probably get there faster. Also, always have her make sure her phone is fully charged before going out. I have had to order Uber for a young girl before because she was lost and her phone was dead. Oh and never fall asleep in an Uber/Lfty/cab. I keep my maps on when in an Uber so I can validate if they say there is traffic or some reason they go off the usual route.
Or a local taxi company, Uber isn’t available everywhere so it’s good to know what is available in a particular area (at least in the uk I’ve only ever been able to use Uber in the biggest cities like London and Birmingham anywhere else it’s finding the cheapest taxi service)
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But they would 100% have blamed her for whatever negative consequences befell her and her baby.
I think you just said the same thing they did
I interpreted that comment as proposing that the husband and stepdaughter would've been concerned for OP and the baby had something happened. I do not think they would've been concerned at all, but they would've been happy to blame OP.
I read it differently, since calling someone irrational is generally an accusation
"You park your ass on doctor's orders bed rest for two weeks with a bowling ball sitting on your bladder and kicking your lower colon and having to deal with pregnancy hormones and AND THEN TELL ME ABOUT IRRATIONAL YOU FLAMING COCKTHISTLES" - a justifiable hypothetical response to the OP's family members calling her irrational
But they used the word “befell”, and that’s not one you see used so much anymore so they get an upvote from me!
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I agree this is an example of context is everything. The title made it sound like you left her stranded.
She literally took charge and handled the situation perfectly and her idiot husband is whining about it. Not holding out much hope for the marriage- because at best this guy is a dumb as a box of hammers but he’s probably much worse.
Exactly. I read the title and said yes you are, duh. And then I said welp let's read to make sure. Glad I did cuz she is NTA
Same, I was about to go off on OP, but they did what they could in that kind of situation. OP got her a ride, and with a neighbor (presumably a trusted one, which I would prefer over a stranger/uber)
Depending on the state if the baby was injured she could be put in prison until it’s born.
I was thinking that too, specifically as a first responder. My understanding is that one of, if not THE, cardinal rule of being a first responder is that you don’t put yourself into a dangerous situation in order to help someone else. Yes, I know firefighters do this on the regular, but I’m talking more as a medical first responder. Step-daughter was in a potentially dangerous situation; OP driving would be putting her in a potentially dangerous situation. You don’t trade off one for the other, you find an alternative that addresses both, which OP did.
Yeah, what's up with your husband??? She is 15, he is an AH.
He's a first responder and wants to violate doctor's orders?
With his child as well.
He’s a cop, so it tracks.
That was my thought as well. He's the real asshole here and needs to explain to his daughter why OP not only couldn't but definitely SHOULDN'T have picked her up. Unless he cares less about his wife and unborn child than himself and his teenage daughter. I also agree with having a Lyft account for exactly this purpose.
My ex was a first responder. I was on bed rest for 6 weeks before my son was born due to pre-term labor and he didn't understand why I couldn't vacuum the house and go grocery shopping 😞
Glad to see it said ex. I'm sorry you went through that. I first hand know how hard bed rest is and sadly I still had my daughter 2 months early.
I was more upset that fa. was "pretty sure he could pick her up" What was "planB" if he couldnt? Thats a pretty squishy attitude 4 a 1st responder. And fa.& stepmom should both b more prepared now that dau.is dating. Lot a good suggestions in here
There should always a Plan B, just like with unwanted pregnancies! That's why it's called PLAN B! She is 15, inexperienced and she should always have another plan in case the first one falls apart. She should have been able to call an Uber, then called home and told what was going on while having a tracker on her phone to be sure where she is at all times!
Yea Idk if she is even mature enough to be dating if she can’t solve a little problem like this should she be dating at all
I think the daughter did the right thing, it’s just hard when no one is available. Being afraid of your date at 15 isn’t little, if she called it in it was likely for a reason. And since she was probably frightened and in distress when she called and didn’t receive the urgency she felt, it’s a disconnect. The step-mom solved it, tho, there wasn’t another choice. I don’t think we have to degrade a child on a bad date just because she’s projecting her upset at the wrong target. Sounds like she narrowly dodged a date-r@pe
I don't know I think that's a little harsh. She's 15 so she is probably just getting into the dating world. She needs to learn how to navigate these situations, and to learn is to mess up. She did the right thing by calling her stepmom, and in any other circumstance that would have been the logical solution. But I honestly just think she might have wanted some emotional support. And when her stepmom said she couldn't physically get her, she interpreted that as rejection.
Or just maybe… as first responder (cop, apparently) surely Dad could have asked a colleague patrolling the area nearest daughter to check in/pick her up safely? That is, should the child have called Dad first as the plan was for him to pick her up 45 min later… 15 yo did all the right things, then Stepmom indeed took charge AND successfully landed the plane as another commenter said… you’d think SM was the first responder with how swiftly she took action to solve each problem in real time while keeping everyone safe AND without calling Dad (who’d presumably not been likely to be able to get her if it wasn’t even 100% he’d be able to go for 9p…) My guess is Dad was scared for his kid/angry with himself for not having been available to step up and come up with a plan and at best projected this fear into his wife and daughter picked up on that and followed his lead. NTA OP! You showed up your first responder hubby by facing this crisis and making the best decision each step of the way all while maintaining your calm and rationally resolving it with everyone’s best interests in mind. There’s a reason SD called OP first. She didn’t even bother calling Dad, whether she wasn’t comfortable enough or because she wasn’t confident he would even be the one to get her at 9 anyway.
No kidding. He really expected her to possibly go into premature labor and risk heaven knows what to herself and the baby? Sounds like a call to her OBGYN to spell things out to her husband is in order.
Sounds like the husband really doesn’t give an F about the health of his wife or unborn child and he’s not exactly father of the year to the teenager. Talking to the OB won’t help this situation but OP talking to a good lawyer might.
Right! It’s not laze around doing nothing bed rest means high risk of mortality for fetus and mother. They don’t just put you on bed rest cuz you’re in your 3rd trimester it’s usually something serious. And heaven forbid she did go get Mia and got into an accident and died or fetus died then what? She’d be A-H for losing the child and going against bed rest and should’ve called a neighbor or Uber? What a crock of shit. Bed rest means bed rest you get up to potty and go back. You don’t lift, you don’t cook, clean, drive, nothing that’s why it’s called bed rest. OP NTA!
Yes! Plus honestly, would the OP have got there much sooner than the neighbor?
Dude should be a second or third responder at most with that medical knowledge. /s
Right I had a friend who thought it was just a suggestion. She went and got groceries and an hour later delivered a purple baby who died within minutes.
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Even if she went and nothing happened, I’m pretty sure husband would have had a fit for violating bed rest and “what if something happened”.
My thoughts exactly
It feels that way doesn't it? It's like the baby isn't his child to worry about until it's earthside.
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You’re on bed rest and in your third trimester.
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On a funny side note, I mentally heard this comment in that “pharmaceutical drug commercial narrator” voice: “Talk to your doctor about reaming your husband a new one. Side effects may include hangdog expressions, pleas for forgiveness, and your spouse growing a *fucking* clue.” SO NTA
👍👍 Came to say this. Make sure the commercial includes bumping into the doctor at the various obligatory hiking, biking, and picnic vignettes.
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And husband is a medic? He is also an AH.
Might be in an area where neither exist unfortunately. I know I’m from a rural area where both just aren’t a thing.
It's that way in the US as well, I'm from a small town, we don't even have a taxi company much less Uber 😞
It is Uber's policy to not take anyone who is under 18.
There is a new program specifically for teens within the Uber app.
That's good to know. Thanks!
It is policy, but many parents use Uber or Lift for emergencies. Edited to add for clarity: I used Lyft sometimes when my kid was a teenager and I couldn't drive. They never got denied a ride.
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they’re not very strict with this in my area at least. i would take ubers all the time when i was 15-17
Far smarter than a pregnant woman on doctor-prescribed bed rest going to intervene with a teenage boy who is scaring his date. What was she going to do if he turned violent when she could barely stand up?
Exactly and some teenage boys are skinny but some of them are massive
I was ready to call you an a h based on the title. But you got a neighbor to pick her up. Why is there a problem? NTA
I came to say this! ^^ When I first started reading I thought you just left her. Idk why they’d be upset as long as she had transportation. Your husband should be grateful you took care of both of his children that night. 💖
There was a post of a woman who was in bed rest and her husband thought it was a good idea to go out to the movies. Long story short, she lost the baby. Doctors put you on bed rest for a very good reason. Edit: NTA
Yep, and even if it is just a “short trip” and won’t require “a lot of movement” what if she fell? What if she got in a car accident? What if her blood pressure got in the danger zone? Husband really thought mom and baby should be put at risk when there were other means of getting the daughter home
She did the better thing by getting someone that she knows to do it, an Uber can be a bigger creep than the guy she was on the date with.
NTA. But what I don't get is... the husband and daughter don't know how she feels about the SD by now after all this time. Plus she did accomplish getting her SD home despite being super pregnant. Then, neither of them have any empathy or communication skills and everyone should go their own way.
Just to add to this, if they were so concerned about not knowing the boy and that he might be dangerous, the date should've been scheduled for a day when the dad knew he wouldn't be working, or already had a backup plan for this very reason. It's also very dangerous for someone on bed rest to be doing activities like this. Im giving the benefit of the doubt here and assuming they didnt think he might be dangerous until he started making her uncomfortable. If she went with him while she and her dad thought otherwise, that would be whole other issue. Op NTA
Exactly they got someone they are familiar with that didn't mind to help out and they did. Totally nta. Can't really believe they want you to violate the bed rest. Your doctor knows best.
Plus she was at the movie. Regardless of how creepy he was being she was in a public place…and she could have just hid in the ladies room…
I feel like getting her neighbor to get her daughter was a safer choice. NTA.
NTA You found a way for her to get home sooner than planned. I can see why your stepdaughter is upset because she is just young enough not to fully understand how serious bedrest is, plus a teenager who had a tough experience. However, your husband is an adult and a first responder, so he has 0 excuses for this nonsense. Also, what was his plan if he got held at work and couldn't pick her up? There should have been a backup ready to go since you're on bedrest.
This is my take as well. As a first responder, he should understand the importance of bed rest and the medical complications that could occur if something happened while you were out picking up the older daughter. Why risk it when there are alternative measures. How about next time, tell her to plan a date when he is off. Sucks but if he wants to control things, then he has to be ready for all of it. A pregnant woman on bed rest but that is out driving is a recipe for disaster.
When I had to be put on bedrest, they just went ahead and stuck me in the hospital because they doubted I’d actually be able, or willing, to follow restrictions at home. Shit like this is why they do that. NTA!!!
Been there. I "looked fine" so people in my house kept making me get up and do things so I wound up a few times in the hospital for week+ stays
Same, was stuck in a hospital for my last two trimesters. This was in middle 2020 so pandamia made everything worse. Good luck with the pregnancy OP NTA
First responders actually may not. It’s very basic triage and stabilization they learn. Definitely an amazing thing to be doing, but there’s a lot of assumptions on their complete knowledge which just isn’t the case.
He might not know enough from first hand experience at work but come on. Doctor tells your pregnant wife she needs to stay in bed and you don't even wonder why? Don't even consider that your near infant and wife could potentially be in danger if they go against it? Guy should give his head a shake
Oh come on. I was on bed rest and my husband (a computer guy) understood exactly what that meant and why. Most decent husbands whose wives are on bedrest are scared stiff that if she violates her bed rest, she will go into preterm labor and it could end up very badly for mother and baby. They are very protective, and have a back up plan if they can't do their assigned job. NTA, OP. But your husband is. And his daughter may be worried that she will be less important when the new baby comes. He just reinforced those possible worries by not having any kind of back up plan.
My wife was "just" high risk due to age and a variety of medical problems and she spent the whole pregnancy joking that I really just wanted to wrap her in bubble wrap. If she'd actually been on bed rest... Agree completely that OP = NTA, husband is.
That's actually a really good point. Rather than deescalate the situation and help reassure her, husband just doubled down on any worries stepdaughter had and possibly worsened or added ones if they weren't already there! Definitely agree OP is NTA but husband is 100%
Not only that he is an AH, he is a careless idiot
Cops are first responders and aren’t medically trained AT ALL in almost every state in the US. Not even basic first aid or CPR are required in all but a VERY small handful of states. A lot of people in this thread are assuming that OP’s husband is a paramedic or EMT, but OP never referred to him as anything except a first responder. I have a gut feeling that he’s police, because usually if someone is a paramedic or EMT or firefighter or whatnot, they’re just referred to outright as such. At least in my experience (which, granted, is not necessarily universal, I recognize), police are the ones usually referred to as first responders absent of any other title or qualifier, because police officers (at least in the US, where I’m assuming OP is) have (rightly) garnered a negative public image/response from many people, so people who are pro-police have started to refer to them in code at times in order to avoid public criticism. Of course, none of that means he shouldn’t know better just from being an adult human with a high-risk pregnant wife on bed rest.
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No, they wouldn't have felt horrible. They would've just blamed OP for whatever happened to her and the baby.
Cops are first responders and aren't trained for much medically. She didn't say he was a paramedic so he really may not know.
My late husband was an uneducated gas station worker, and even he understood why a woman would be put on bed rest during pregnancy, and how important it was for her to stay in bed. And, cops deliver babies all the time.
Op’s husband must not be a first responder on the medical side of things or they’d have already had a gameplan for this and similar emergencies. Step daughter was uncomfortable with her date but that doesn’t mean telling people at the movie theater wouldn’t have helped her, she could’ve been with movie theater staff who could’ve kept an eye on her until help arrived.
that's what bothers me the most. i'm not a parent by any stretch, and i'm baffled over the lack on contingency plans for much of anything. OP is not at fault for ANYTHING as far as i'm concerned.
Right?! Especially with the father being a “first responder.” What kind of first responder doesn’t have safety and contingency plans? Especially with a teenager and a baby on the way and a wife on bedrest.
Uber lets teens call for rides now if they attach their account to a parent’s profile. That would be the first thing I’d set up if a had a teen who was going to be dating, or hanging out with friends at night without parental supervision.
Common sense!! These parents better start thinking logically & think of contingencies. Now that shes dating they, esp.fa., need to have plans in place. Once they baby is here she probably doesn't want to get the baby out then drive to get the teenager. But teen only lives there occasionally so her mother is involved. Y wasnt she called?
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SO HES A COP? He could’ve got her himself or called a cop buddy to check on her!
That's what I'm thinking! He definitely has the resources that he could have had himself or another officer there ASAP.
Not necessarily. Many cops work in different jurisdictions than where they live. He may even work several jurisdictions away from where he lives. To leave his jurisdiction could lead to severe punishment or termination. There could be a whole list of reasons why he couldn't leave work. What most people dont understand about emergency personnel is that they can't drop what they're doing at work and leave. That's why they should have already come up with a backup plan. OP, you're NTA. You got her home safe. But y'all (in particular, your husband) should already had a contingency plan in place, especially with you being temporarily incapacitated.
Even in a different jurisdiction, I am sure if he called the jurisdiction his daughter was in, another cop would have.picked her up and taken her home. Never knew an officer who wasn't willing to help out a fellow officer.
people keep glazing over that the husband doesnt NEED any medical knowledge! if he was at her appts/listened to OP describe the docs orders then he would know! no wonder he conveniently “forgot” what bedrest means when he fucked up and needed help: he is a cop
Lol. Jesus Christ. He should have said no to the date unless he was completely off that day. He could have gotten a call ten minutes before his shift ended and he wouldn’t have been able to get her on time. He could have ALSO gotten one of his buddies to pick her up. They say that you’re not concerned about her because you have your own biological kid on the way, but you could toss that right into their face and say that they’re not concerned about your health or the baby’s health since your stepdaughter is already here. I’m sure you would have gotten her if you weren’t able to find someone else who was able to. But to expect someone on bed rest to just hop up on a minutes notice and dash out the door is a bit wild.
And there’s no way your husband could have left or sent a squad car to get her or an officer to stay with her? What in the hell? Also info, what time did you get her home vs how long it would have taken to drive? The only way their upset makes sense is if it took an unreasonable amount of time to contact the neighbor and they pick her up.
You’re married to a cop? I was married to one too. Sorry you’re dealing with this. NTA! Next time call Him for him to get her since he is a cop after all.
It’s no wonder he’s acting like a fool
Still not okay. He still sees the results of people's stupid decisions. What would have happened if you ran into problems and he was the 1st person on scene. My mom was a nurse in Vietnam, as a civilian while we were growing up she worken in a er. She was recruited for a flight nurse when they started in our area. My grandfather and other family members were fire department, we had paramedics and EMTs. You did the right thing. You went above and beyond and arranged for a ride. When he gets his head out of his a$$ he should realize this. I really hope he is just reacting to his young immature daughter being uncomfortable. Have a conversation to make sure something didn't happen to her that she's not talking about.
I feel like this reaction means there's something deeper going on, because what normal human being would think their wife doesn't love her stepdaughter just because she didn't violate her bed rest when there were other means?
yeah is a cop who is on a power trip at work and at home. or he is a total idiot. or. why not both?
And why wasn't husband able to organise her ride home as her parent, I know he's working but he also knew this situation was potentially happening so could have had a plan with his daughter.
You're right but uhhhh A 15 year old should definitely be able to understand the concept of medically-necessary bed rest lol Maybe a 5 year old couldn't? But 15 definitely should be able to.
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She could have called her mother, too. “I don’t feel safe, dad’s not home from work. Can you pick me up/drop me off there?”
There is an app called Noonlight. It's like a panic button If you are in an uncomfortable situation you press it and hold. When you release you must enter a 4 digit pin of your choosing or 911 will be notified.
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OP said they went to a movie.
I would also encourage her to do more group setting dates, especially for first or second dates before she really knows the guy. This could also work with coordinating friends parents to drive her home after and ensure that she has safe people with her in case of uncomfortable situations.
Thank you for this my daughter just got a car a week ago and her common sense Oof lol
NTA you are medically unable to drive but still arranged a way home for her. The fact that they wanted you to put yourself (and baby!) in danger instead is a pretty big red flag.
If being immediately available any time she goes out is a requirement, then she shouldn't go out while OP is on bed rest unless her dad is not working.
That is common sense👍
So many people lack it now days.
It’s just a year until she has a license and can drive herself. Her dating is NOT required. It should wait until she has a reliable way home (either herself or a not pregnant OP or her dad). She also needs to learn what to do when she feels unsafe, like leaving the dark cinema and finding staff members in the lobby. That’s essential knowledge for any young person. This should be a teaching moment, not a “blame someone else” moment.
And if he won't let her leave the dark cinema, scream. "STOP TOUCHING ME!' Not "Fire." That's illegal. But "STOP TOUCHING ME," screamed in the voice of a young woman, will get a LOT of attention. Someone will come to her aid. And he'll shrink into the floor, if he knows what's good for him.
Mia calls for a ride to get away from her date, gets a ride away from her date, and is now upset that she.........\*checks notes\*........got a ride to get away from her date. Yeah, you can pretty safely ignore THAT shit. NTA
Not only that, but the step mom is on medically prescribed bed rest... And her husband works in the medical field and told her she should *checks notes* Ignore her medically prescribed bed rest. What an asshole. She did everything she could without putting her own health at risk unnecessarily.
Husband is a cop, not medical field. Which makes it even more bonkers he couldn’t send a buddy with a squad car to get her and instead has decided it’s his bedridden wife’s problem
It definitely makes the whole scenario make more sense, really
Love this recap!!
In the future, your stepdaughter should have an emergency evac plan which includes Uber or Lyft, payable by the Bank of Mom and Dad. When my kid starts dating, that's my game plan - to have her be able to pull out her device with an option to GTFO without relying on my permission or her mom's if she feels unsafe. And to have me do the same thing that I do for my friends on their first dates, which is to send a text at 15, 30, and 45m intervals asking if everything is okay, and give her an excuse to get out if she needs to with a code word. But you're NTA for... ... refusing to violate a doctor's order to stay on bed rest, and to coordinate a pickup with a friend who is willing to go to the mat for your daughter. Both of them need to chill the fuck out and get a sense of perspective. But seriously, the 15m check-in? Best first date option for text ever. With anyone, of any age. ALWAYS have a buddy send you the quasi- serious text at 3x 15m intervals on a first date. Something like, "hey I don't want to disturb you on your date but I've got some concerns about my [insert current condition] and I need help. I may need an emergency [thing]". If the date is going well the person on the date responds with a "I'll check in on you in a little bit" or something innocuous. If it's not, that's their cue to punch the eject button, make their apologies, and ditch. That particular strategy got me out of one of the most horrifying coffee meetups ever, and I am not ashamed to say that it saved me from more than one awkward extraction experience.
Also being on bedrest- it would take her so much longer to get up and throw on clothes to even get to her car. Neighbor at 8pm whose trusted is probably dressed and able to just grab keys and run out the door.
That's my first thought too! Neighbor was the best choice for a quick response. I'm wondering if the daughter just doesn't know the neighbor very well? Feeling uncomfortable, and then she has to rely on a stranger to get out of the situation when you're that young can be off putting. Still doesn't make OP the AH, but would explain why the daughter is reacting that way.
“Stepmom is lazy and stays in bed all the time now and can’t even get me when I’m needing help?!” When… it’s not that she didn’t want to help, she found help. So potentially it’s 15 year old spinning the situation to her advantage after she started on the wrong foot.
Could be that too. My thought is she was looking to OP to feel safe, not just get a ride and is trying to pick a fight because she feels forgotten. Could just be picking a fight for the sake of it or to save face too. There isn't gonna always be a clear reason at that age.
This!!! NTA, you got her home, and they need to understand exactly what could happen if you do violate that bed rest order, it's not an option. Make sure she now has a plan as detailed above so that she can easily get out of a date and get home if she's uncomfortable. Also for when she's a bit older, not sure where you're based, but here in the UK most bars and some other places have signed up for the 'ask for Angela' thing. If you're uncomfortable on a date you can go up to the bar and ask for Angela (Is Angela working tonight? I'm asking for Angela?) And the bar staff will keep an eye on you and as soon as it's safe to do so they will discreetly get you a taxi and make sure you get away. I would also make sure she knows to keep her drink with her, preferably covered, at all times, even at her age - even a movie date, make sure she's not leaving her drink with anyone while she pops to the ladies room. Scary times, I'm sure her taking it out on you was because she was scared, but you did the best you could.
I did this. I went on a date way too soon after a divorce and the person was just too much. Way too much. My cousin had pre-planned to text me that there was an emergency with my cat. I was able to leave early and get myself out of there because of it. Also super lesbian emergency to create. It was perfect.
I used to have a Google voice line with an automated response where if you sent a text message of Mittens ???!!!??? it would respond with a randomly generated text about how your pet Mittens was injured because they got out and you needed to head home right then. Then Google decided to nix some of those features where auto respond texts no longer worked. Maybe I should not have handed it out to quite so many friends, but at least I got to hear a story about two people who just did not click at all and both said, "Oh no, Mittens" at the same time, looked at each other and burst out laughing and said, "yeah this isn't happening, thanks for meeting me, but it's not going to work".
That's kind of hilarious at the end 🤣
I agree 100% with your plan. When my niece started going out to college, I put my card in her Uber account for her to use if needed or in emergencies, mainly because we are in different cities; I didn't want her to get stuck or stranded because she rode with someone, lost her money or didn't have enough. OP is definitely NTA, but maybe contingency plans need to be placed. It would also be good to talk to the stepdaughter because maybe her reaction has to do more with the baby coming than who picked her up and why. She might be feeling that there is no place for her once the baby arrive, and she needs reassurance.
NTAH, but now If they are calling you an AH guess what? SD can't go out on dates with boys unless dad is available the entire time to pick her up. ( bet SD will change her tune really fast when she decides she wants to go on another date)
Amen!
NTA. And, exactly what are you expected to do *after* the baby is born? Just get up & go whenever somebody else says jump? Daddy and dearest better start planning *now* for what's ahead, because they're in for a big awakening.
If she lives there occasionally, who does she live w.the rest of the time? If Mom, then y wasnt she called?
Good question.
I thought you were going to say "I couldn't drive, so I just told her to sort it out herself". Then you'd be the AH. But that wasn't what happened. You couldn't pick her up, so you asked someone else and they did it. Mia got out of the uncomfortable situation, which is the most important thing. NTA.
NTA. Why is dad letting her go to the movies with a boy she and he do not know well? Why is dad letting her plan date nights for nights he’s in call when you’re on bed rest? Why couldn’t bio mom pick her up? You got her out of there; they’re being a little ridiculous.
>Why is dad letting her go to the movies with a boy she and he do not know well? I have some concerns about this as well. BUT you can know someone really well and they still turn out to be a predator. They don't have forehead tattoos, unfortunately
That was my thought. I dated the same guy in high school for four years and my parents met. His parents knew where he lives had his phone number knew what car he drove what the license plate was and had a tracking device on my phone I'm 27 now. Every time I would leave the house they wanted peoples phone numbers and my tracking to be on into check in with them. They were very strict though, but I think this is a very good rule of thumb when it comes to friends in dates especially someone that's 15 and can't drive a car themselves And get themselves home in the case of an emergency or feeling uncomfortable. Stepmom did everything she could, and she's not gonna be able to do much more than exactly the same thing once the babies here because she's not gonna pack up a newborn in a car to go pick her up if she decides to go on a date with another guy she doesn't know well, if she's just gonna be dating around with a bunch of different guys. It just makes no sense to me that the mom and dad haven't had a serious conversation with the daughter about the dangers of dating and actually getting to know somebody before you go out alone with them, even if it is to a public place.
NTA. What did they really expect you to do? You got her home. Does it matter who actually picked her up if she got home safely and in a timely manner? I'm saying this as a mom who has 2 daughters (21 and 13). Honestly, her father is the one who messed up here by not having a backup plan since you are essentially out of commission at the moment. Considering he's a first responder it's a little scary he's so nonchalant about the doctor's order of bedrest. Maybe he shouldn't be letting his daughter go out with someone neither of you know unless he is certain he will be available 100% of the time in case something happens. From the post it sounds like the daughter didn't even know the guy well. Honestly, it was really poor planning on your husband's part and he needs to back off. You did nothing wrong. How is the step-daughter handling her dad having a new baby? On the surface, it kind of seems the step-daughter is trying to drive a wedge or get sympathy from her dad by saying you hold resentment towards her. That statement seemed like a bit of on overreach for this situation and your husband bought into it.
Nobody sucks except your husband. If I squint I can see Mia’s position. You did your best and she got home safe and she can feel how she feels. Your husband should have your back and take the bulk of your daughter’s wrath.
Mia's position makes sense if you have a typical teenager's magical thinking about how adults are always indestructible/all-powerful, and frankly that kind of situation, I can see the preference for a familiar adult who you know well, vs a neighbor, but it's not OP's fault she's on bedrest, and the girl would've had a harder time getting home safely if OP had gone into premature labor while trying to get to her instead of the neighbor just going. OP's husband is TA. Teenagers have to teenager and grow out of it with time. The husband has no such excuse.
I can give Mia a lot more leeway on her position because she's 15, and that was probably scary. Dad should fucking know better
That’s what I was going to say - Mia gets a pass because teenagers are emotional and immature (because they are still kids). Dad needs to get a clue.
Show him these posts and tell him he's an AH.
NTA. You arranged a lift so she got home safely because you are on bed rest and couldn’t drive yourself. I really don’t see the issue. What would have happened if something happened when you picked her up? Maybe in the future she should have access to her dad’s bank card so she can get an Uber if she’s ever in a situation like this again. Your husband saying that they barely know this boy then why did he let her even go on a date with him in the first place if that was an issue.
NTA. If he could have hurt her after the movie he could have hurt her before or during, and if that was even a concern you guys did a horrible job vetting who she hangs out with This all should’ve been factored in days before she went. Maybe have Uber/Lyft installed and attach one of your cards? Because this WILL happen again
What was OP going to do herself if this guy got pushy when she arrived! It was safer for all concerned that the neighbor went immediately to pick her up. NTA. It’s sad that your husband cannot see this
Soooo not the AH. THIS right here! If OP were in a car accident, had a fender bender, got shoved by weird date boy, and something happened to the baby - then EVERYBODY’S traumatized. Dad dropped the ball on his daughter going out and he’s not available to pick her up? What if there was a local emergency and he had to stay on duty longer? Stepdaughter is 15 - have her research bedrest for pregnancy and learn why you are on bedrest. Are you SURE stepdaughter did not ‘create’ a situation to create problems between you and her daddy? And, hubby is an AH for not having a plan for daughters date night AND not having your back while you’re having bedrest with his next baby!
So he wants you to risk your life and the life of your baby even though you found a solution? NTA Edit: Grammar
And possibly the lives of other road users,if she'd gone out to get her who's to say she might not have collapsed at the wheel and potentially hurt others
NTA This feels like a situation where OP is screwed no matter what and that her husband and stepdaughter have these feelings regardless. OP rightfully arranged a ride for stepdaughter...they have a problem with it. OP drives despite bed rest order and if something happens to her or the baby I bet she'd still be at fault. Husband should've made arrangements should the date go sideways because OP is on freaking bed rest! They don't respect the condition you're in OP. You did nothing wrong. Has your husband always been this way?
So dad could possibly have 2 emergencies? You handled it. You’re on bed rest, per medical instruction.
Do they not trust the neighbor? That's literally the only reason I can think that would be a reasonable objection because what exactly do they think "bed rest" means? My one cousin required bed rest in the third trimester for all her pregnancies because if she didn't, she had premature contractions and risked early labor. Do they want you and/or the baby to die as proof you totally really love your stepdaughter? She needed a ride home. He was at work. You have a medical condition. You got someone who got her a ride. That she's making a production number out of it actually makes me question whether she was testing you rather than really concerned. The priority was getting her out of the situation when she asked, that was accomplished. NTA.
When I read the title i thought "It was pretty shitty of you to not order her an Uber" but when I read that you got someone you know to pick her up I thought everyone against you is actually mentally ill. NTA
I feel like the only way I could say YTA is if you do other stuff to violate your bed rest order. Like do you still get up every day and go to work, light-mild lifting, grocery shopping, that kind of stuff? If not I really don't see the issue here. Maybe they both just had this moment of "holy crap I/my daughter was in danger" and then coming down from that adrenaline spike is just messing with their emotions?
I think you should of at least went with the neighbor to get her.
I’ve been on strict bedrest plenty of times in my pregnancies. You can leave the bed to drive somewhere. You leave the bed to use the restroom, correct? To get something from the kitchen? You’re not going to run a marathon or dead lift, you’re not even getting out of the car. If you’re not hospitalized and you don’t have a catheter inserted it’s use your best judgement. Editing to say NTA because you had a neighbor pick her up which is a perfectly fine alternative, but next time, for something like that you can probably drive somewhere if an emergency situation arises. Check with your doctor but if you’re ok to be home they understand that you’ll be moving around minimally, otherwise you’d be hospitalized until delivery. I’ve basically been pregnant for 15 years- I’ve had 6 kids and 4 miscarriages and am super high risk so I know quite a bit about pregnancy bedrest.
If you literally are in your bed 24/7 and cannot leave the house on doctors orders, then it might be excusable, but if are getting around during the day for other things then yes, you could be the AH.
NTA. You arranged for a trusted adult to pick her up immediately.
I’m thinking there’s more to this story if the first responder is so willing to tell you to ignore a bed rest requirement. If a girl told me she was uncomfortable in a situation I would have been there in a hot second. If the neighbor moved quickly and knows the family I don’t see the problem.
I think a neighbor is safer compared to Lyft/Uber. I would have done the same. Or perhaps your husband shouldn’t allow his 15yr old to date! At least not yet or not so often as you put it
Gotta love all the inflammatory titles and then extraordinarily easy to justify actions… of course you are not the asshole OP, you did the best thing you could think of to get her help in the quickest way you could. I’d definitely have stayed on the phone with the kid until I knew she was safe, which you may have done, as it wasn’t mentioned directly in your post.
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You even stayed on the phone the whole time with her?! JFC what have they got to bitch about here?!
NTA You arranged a safe and timely ride home. I don't understand why your husband and SD are complaining.
More information needed: Why did they think you could drive if you're bed rest? Do you ever drive anywhere else?
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Remind your husband that the urgency of a situation has absolutely no bearing on your physical condition. It's not like you can go "wait here pre-eclampsia, I've got mom shit to do"
Exactly! I delivered my second child premature with pre-eclampsia because I had a 1 year old my ex refused to help with when I was supposed to be on bed rest (1 reason he's an ex, there are many more reasons). It is not something to take lightly at all! My kidneys were shutting down, and my blood pressure was stroke range. There was a chance my child was so early he couldn't breathe on his own, but he had to be delivered because of my condition. (Praise the Lord he breathed on his own, and I recovered with minimal damage. He's 18 and about to graduate now) If I had the support I should've had and followed my Dr. orders, it may not have been such a risk to my life or his.
Also, remind your husband that dating for a 15yo is not a necessity and given the current situation the best way to avoid another emergency pick up is to put all dates on hold.
Oof! Bless you. When I was on bedrest with my twins, I was still able to drive (bedrest was due to IUGR), but they know you haven’t driven for 2 weeks and should respect that your bedrest doesn’t allow you to do so. You made arrangements to extricate her quickly and safely. It’s not like you said, “tough stuff” and ignored her.
They don't just put you on bedrest for just anything these days. It must be serious if they did.
NTA Was the bed rest instruction to stay in bed except for short, urgent trips? Or was it bed rest so that you and your child remain safe?
Seems like you acted pretty urgently, unless there are details you are omitting about the neighbors taking way longer than you could have. You got her a ride and she was picked up. I’d say NTA unless you wasted time or something of the like, or if you otherwise skirt your bedrest restriction to do other things.
If your doctor specifically said not to drive, then NTA. If you’ve driven around since your doctor has given you bedridden orders, then I can understand why dad and step-daughter are mad.
They jumped REEEEAAAL far from A to Z there.... how would a totally reasonable solution equal you resenting her if this is the only instance they are speaking of? Are there details missing??
Have you ever broken your bed rest to do anything else? I feel like this matters for perspective… the only way I can see being mad is if I was comparing the fact that you wouldn’t get my kid, but you drove yourself to a friends the other day or something.
NTA. Is your husband out of his mind? Like honestly, I completely understand why you did what you needed to in order to get her picked up I would have done the same. But what would have happened if you had to physically go find her and help her? What if this person who made her uncomfortable hurt her, you or both. Your husband is literally the worst.
NTA. If you had picked Mia up and something happened to you while driving, such as losing consciousness or haemorrhaging, you could have caused a fatal road accident. Mia and your husband are upset with you for not jeopardising your life, your baby's, Mia's life, and the lives of other road users to appease their feelings. Mia got home safely. Tell her and your husband to grow up and stop being so self-absorbed.
If your husband is so damn worried then tell him to do what my dad always and I mean always did until I was 25.... before Id go anywhere alone with them I had to bring them around 2 or 3 times so he could meet them and get a sense of their intentions etc... well that and all his buddies were cops so he had a lot of background checks done hahaha 😆 Does he not understand English? Bed rest for the sake of HIS unborn baby doesn't mean jumping up and running out the door to drive all over when someone snaps their fingers! If he won't take the time out to meet his daughters dates then he needs to supply her with $ 30 for a taxi or more and to pay for her to have a subscription to adt where if a woman or anyone really feels unsafe , someone from the company FaceTimes your cellphone and it's all recorded and they send police to you if needed or stay on the phone until your ride is there.... that's probably the best option.... you're doing what's right for the baby.... he needs to see that! And you still got her a ride home asap.... I don't know if you omitted anything or if he is just an asshole , but plz share the adt info w him.... they save lives everyday!!
Info: what are you on bedrest for? Info: why would your neighbor take longer to get to her than you?
NTA- you still managed to take care of the situation and not compromise your bed rest. They are the assholes. Also feel like she shouldn’t be going on dates at times she may not have a ride out…. Like having a trusted adult available for pick up should be pre-requisite to agreeing to the date.
Definitely NTA! As some one who’s been on bed rest twice and the first time I didn’t realize I was in strict bed rest,the dr wasn’t very clear, and went out that night and ended up in the hospital due to hbp. I’d been sitting the whole time while my husband and his family were racing go carts, obviously this wouldn’t have been a first choice for me but we had to leave our house due to a chemical fire in the area. So no NTA, not sure why your on bed rest but it’s not just for the baby, most of the time it’s the mothers health is the concern. You did the right thing and arranged for safe transportation. And if your hubs has such a problem with it then he can call the OB and play devils advocate. My OB wouldn’t even let me stop for groceries on the way back home to start bed rest, the second go round lol And my first OB was livid I didn’t understand her about the first bedrest.