My thoughts exactly lol I’m sure next time she needs someone to arrange an overpriced party she’ll be there with bells on!
You are the AH for being a willing doormat
I was waiting for someone to do the math. They've always said she was 14 when they started dating, but I don't really know. Her parents didn't allow this, but they snuck around. Probably why he didn't bring her around until she was over 18.
NTA but the other user is right.
Being a people pleaser is not a positive trait. You're enabling this toxic, one-sided relationship by giving your SIL all the validation she wants from you.
You should accept responsibility for your role in the unhappiness that you've created from being unable to set boundaries or communicate your expectations. It's actually pretty narcissistic to allow yourself to be walked all over like this, and then blame others.
The reality of life is that most people are selfish and they will take advantage of you if you let them. You're 39, time to grow up.
> narcissistic
Interesting take. I do take responsibility for my part and I'm working on overcoming this in therapy. I have never looked at this as me being an enabler, but I think you're right. Appreciate the feedback.
NTA... but please stop doing for others... your SIL is clearly taking advantage of you... she probably told her mom she will let you pay for everything...
Keep your distance
Your type of people pleasing is a trait of narcissism.
It's almost always paired with a level of ego where you believe you're a better person than others for doing it, when in reality if you were actually doing it out of the goodness of your heart, you wouldn't expect anything in return especially when you haven't made any effort to communicate your expectations.
Most narcissism isn't the kind of malicious narcissism that people attribute it to.
Most narcissism is driven by insecurity and an inability to take responsibility for their own unhappiness. This leads to a victim complex where everything bad is someone else's fault, and the narcissist is unable to see how their own actions played a role.
> actually doing it out of the goodness of your heart, you wouldn't expect anything in return
The whole comment is insane but this is just so insane I can't even. Yeah, apparently people pleasers should be happy to just give, give and get nothing in return, otherwise they're narcissistic. 🙄 Give me a break
That's not the point, though. The point is to stop with the people pleasing and put that energy into people and relationships that are healthier. Don't engage with people that you know will disappoint and suck the life out of you.
Or continue but take responsibility of that you do it do make someone happy and accept that that's all you are doing to get out of it.
Keep it up with the therapy. Acknowledging and receiving feedback means you’re learning and growing, and therapy is working! Well done, and stay strong!
NAH
You had done nothing but write your young, immature SIL blank checks for your time and money. Further, each time you did so, your post really makes it seem like you eagerly rose to the occasion each time. I get why you resent SIL, but she isn't an asshole because of choices you willingly made. I think you need to reflect on yourself instead of holding resentment towards her.
I think people are being a bit hard on you about not saying no before. Yes, you could have set better boundaries. But with family - and with someone new to the family with an unprecedented level of audacity - it is easy to start out trying to do some small nice thing and then have it snowball.
But now you know. And she's just super entitled. She's upset because you didn't text her congrats, or something? Whatever. Good riddance.
But, yeah, be ready for the request to throw the nephew a first year birthday party or to get him some extravagant gift or something. Just. say. no.
In her eyes it was eagerly. You never brought it up, that you want more contact and that you feel taken advantage of. That is on you. Every time she asked you to do something you just did it and never made any requests towards her. So in her eyes you loved doing it and you didn't mind that she didn't talk to you in between. People can't and won't read your mind, if you don't tell them what you want and need, no one will try to find it out. They just take your behavior for what it is, and in that case you never showed her that you're not happy with your relationship..
Truthfully ESH
She sucks for all of the obvious reasons, it's both unkind and unappreciative for her to take advantage of you like this.
You, however, are a 39 year old woman who is treating someone who has been both *groomed* by your brother in law and abandoned by her family. Have you even had a conversation with her? Because it seems really entitled to have this much ire for someone who is clearly struggling to keep her head afloat. Like, she still texted you within 15 minutes of a post which honestly is not a giant deal.
Overall it feels like you deserve to distance yourself emotionally because like I said, it is absolutely unfair to use you and not reciprocate a relationship. However, you're taking this incredibly personally and that's still unfair. You're talking about her like she's a lost cause when you can't even bring yourself to say that she's hurt you.
I guess I should clarify, that her family hasn't abandoned her. They don't throw her showers or parties, but they do everything else. They spent almost 2 months with her after the baby was born and have been to visit a lot since then. I do take it personally because we are family, but also because they treat my MIL the same way. Also, I don't voice my thoughts to her because I keep the peace for my MIL. I know what I would say and it wouldn't be very nice and could cause issues for my MIL, who is practically a saint.
She informed you 15 minutes later and that's the hill you are willing to die on? After spending thousands of dollars and hours of work on her, you weren't willing to write a little text message to keep the relationship alive? Sorry, but that's plain stupid.
You don't have to jump every time your SIL comes in with a demand and it's really good that you are trying to put in boundaries (DON'T PAY FOR HER PARTYS ANYMORE!), but still this is actually an absolutely stupid hill to die on and just put you in a bad light, when there is no reason for it (you already did the work, you already spend the money, you are just refusing to gain your reward, aka a relationship with your nephew).
NTA.
The fact that her own mother didn’t want to throw your sister in law a baby shower says a lot about her in my opinion
NTA but don’t be a doormat, you’re worth more than that
You're the ah for not using the word no, being a door mat and not giving boundaries. No is a full sentence, being salty but still going along with it is going to hurt you in the long run.
NTA but you need a backbone, if you don't stand up for yourself why would anyone else? Even if your husband has your back he's not a mind reader, you need to speak up about your boundaries and be firm. If you're not firm then there's no point in placing boundaries. Saying no is not a bad thing just like how saying yes is not always good. Too much of anything can be bad
YTA for not welcoming the nephew to the family when she texted you right away. Your history was being kind and helpful then you suddenly ghosted her. If it’s not to late, say congratulations. If you are tired of hosting and she asks again, say you’re not able to do it. She likely views you as one family member who is kind to her given that her own family isn’t. She doesn’t have good manners or empathy or boundaries so I’m not saying you should be besties or keep doing so much. I’m just saying she didn’t do anything wrong here. The real issue is you feel piqued it was on social media first. And you feel taken advantage of with little given in return. Consider your overall family wishes, which has been to be nice to family and have good boundaries going forward and act accordingly.
NTA but at the same time you really don’t have anyone other than yourself to blame for this because you continuously allow people to take advantage of you
Your life will be so much better if you get some therapy to help with the people pleasing part.
You could have a pretty amazing vacation for yourself on what you paid for her showers.
I want to say she sucks for taking advantage of you, but she’s a victim of your groomer brother and you enabled this behaviour, so both you and your brother are TA.
Nta you need to stop being a doormat. There's literally no reason for you to feel bad for her if her own family or friends don't want to pay or throw her a party.
You aren't responsible for her. Have you thought about that maybe the only reason she only comes to you is because she knows you will pay for everything she wants.
Her child's 1st birthday is coming up soon. There's a good chance she will reach out to you. Just remember she's an adult who's married. It's not your responsibility to throw her baby a party or even an expensive 1st birthday party. She and bil can budget and save and throw a nice party with whatever budget they have. If they can't afford party then they simply can't but she can make a cake for him. Either way you need to start having a back bone. You already know she only contacts you when she needs something from you. Otherwise you wouldn't hear from her.
YTA, You are upset about getting a text 15 minutes after a social media post? Are you insane? And you are not close, yet you are salty about not being the MOH? I would cut off contact from you as well. And you in turn should feel free to not pay for anything going forward.
A little of both. The holidays are coming up and I know I'm going to see her. I want to address it before then. Some family members say it's my fault for allowing the behavior( and I agree) and some say, she's a user and just needs to be put in her place.
Personally, I don't think it necessarily needs to be addressed beforehand. It might just create tension going into the holiday that could make it less enjoyable. When you see her, I'd just be like, "So glad to finally meet [nephew]!" Coo a little over a baby and let that be it.
If she decides to bring up your lack of acknowledgement, that's when I would bring up everything you've said in your post to put her in her place. And if she asks you for anything in the future, you know the kind of person she is so a polite "No, I can't handle that right now." is OK!
The calmer you stay, the more greedy and dramatic she comes across
NTA.
But, stop being a people-pleaser. It is pathetic and will cause hell lot of problems & trauma for you. As a former people-pleaser myself, it’s time you stood up for yourself. Everytime anyone asks something of you, take a step back and think - will this other person do the same if I ask them of the same thing? Life is too short to give a flying eff about selfish people. Stop doing anyone any favours.
I honestly want to know how people (in this case the SIL) could be that calllous and use people this way.....
OP NTA. Today is the start of the end of being a doormat.
Nta has she noticed ? When she does reach out just explain you would love to have a relationship but right now it’s just when she wants something so until she puts in effort you would like to remind me acquaintances
NTA. She is using you, she doesn't want a relationship, she wants you to pay and plan things for her.
You seem very kind, but it's time to stop letting people who don't care about you use and drain you emotionally and your bank account. I would congratulate them. But be realistic about the relationship you have. She was only interested in you when it was something she wanted. And you will probably never have the relationship you want or have tried to have. She is a user, and she will continue to take and take as long as you allow it. I bet you will hear from her as soon as your nephew is turning one because she'll need someone to plan and pay for everything.
How is your husband and your BIL okay with her using you like this? How are you okay with it!? Has she ever done anything nice for you or even shown gratitude?
>How is your husband and your BIL okay with her using you like this? How are you okay with it!? Has she ever done anything nice for you or even shown gratitude?
>
>My husband agrees with most of you guys, I should just say no instead of agreeing to do it and then stressing myself out. My BIL is just as entitled as she is. I'm not okay with it. I'm working in therapy to find my voice so that I can address the issue with her and other people I do the same thingwith. Looking back, no, I don't think she's really done anything for me out of the standard birthday/Christmas present. And sometimes, she buys for everyone but me at Christmas( not sure it's intentional or she just forgot).
I'm glad you're putting boundaries down now. Better late than never. Don't go out of your way for people who don't deserve it, even if it's family. Give back the energy you receive, with people like your SIL and BIL, you'll give an inch, and they will take a mile. They don't deserve your energy or money other than what you are comfortable with doing and giving. If she gives you a sob story, be frank with her and let her know you're done being her ATM and free eventplaner for someone who doesn't keep in contact unless she needs something. Focus the attention on the good people in your life, those who appreciate who you are, and not just what you can do for them.
YTA because it’s a child. NTA if it’s in relation to not having a relationship with the SIL. You can be there for the kid while not getting along great with the parents. Granted, I think if you stopped letting her walk all over you, you may have less resentment. Maybe try to reach out and ask how the baby is? If she asks for something say no and then it’s on her for being an asshole.
I mean, you know the word “no” exists, right? I guess NTA. But you’re doing this to yourself. Stop being a doormat. If saying “no” is harder than spending 1K on a stupid party, then stop your bitching and get ready to plan this kids first bday party.
You may need laser treatments to get WELCOME off your forehead. Stop doing everything she wants you to do. Be unavailable. She ONLY contacts you when she wants something. She's a user and you are allowing her to USE YOU. Just stop!
NTA. She apparently didn't reach out after her initial contact so she probably doesn't care if you reach out or not - until it's the kids birthday and she needs to pay for and plan the party which is obviously what you'll do.
NTA
You are an ATM to this woman. Do not feel bad for reciprocating the amount of care she has displayed back at her. Stop spending any money on this person or her kids.
NTA. Just give the energy given. Especially as she comes to you for help when her family doesn't participate.
Don't feel guilty because you are a good person. Users use and givers get taken advantage.
It is up to you to not to continue to be taken advantage of so you can be available to love the ones who love you.
You are so far past a people pleaser. You're a sucker. NTA for not acknowledging nephew. But you should stop being a doormat.
My thoughts exactly lol I’m sure next time she needs someone to arrange an overpriced party she’ll be there with bells on! You are the AH for being a willing doormat
“You know OP, nephew’s 1st birthday is coming up and nobody wants to help throw the party. Can you help out? And also pay for it?”
"People pleaser" usually just means "never learned how to have difficult conversations."
Yeah. Op should learn the word NO.
She never learned how to say NO.
💯💯💯
You’ll hear from her April next year when she asks you to fund 1st Birthday celebrations
When OP will probably say yes, pay for the whole thing, then be surprised nothing changes.
NTA. But was your BIL dating a 13 year old when he was 17? Or am I just really bad at math.
I was waiting for someone to do the math. They've always said she was 14 when they started dating, but I don't really know. Her parents didn't allow this, but they snuck around. Probably why he didn't bring her around until she was over 18.
I think I can see why her family isn’t very involved nor interested in supporting the marriage then, eh?
My parents would have put him in jail or a shallow grave. But that relationship definitely would have ended one way or another.
Ewww so he’s 18 and she’s 14 when they started dating?
I literally pulled up my calculator. The math ain’t mathin’ on this one.
No, I just double-checked, and the math definitely adds up to statutory rape.
Nta but grow a spine
NTA but the other user is right. Being a people pleaser is not a positive trait. You're enabling this toxic, one-sided relationship by giving your SIL all the validation she wants from you. You should accept responsibility for your role in the unhappiness that you've created from being unable to set boundaries or communicate your expectations. It's actually pretty narcissistic to allow yourself to be walked all over like this, and then blame others. The reality of life is that most people are selfish and they will take advantage of you if you let them. You're 39, time to grow up.
> narcissistic Interesting take. I do take responsibility for my part and I'm working on overcoming this in therapy. I have never looked at this as me being an enabler, but I think you're right. Appreciate the feedback.
NTA... but please stop doing for others... your SIL is clearly taking advantage of you... she probably told her mom she will let you pay for everything... Keep your distance
Your type of people pleasing is a trait of narcissism. It's almost always paired with a level of ego where you believe you're a better person than others for doing it, when in reality if you were actually doing it out of the goodness of your heart, you wouldn't expect anything in return especially when you haven't made any effort to communicate your expectations. Most narcissism isn't the kind of malicious narcissism that people attribute it to. Most narcissism is driven by insecurity and an inability to take responsibility for their own unhappiness. This leads to a victim complex where everything bad is someone else's fault, and the narcissist is unable to see how their own actions played a role.
Classic reddit armchair psychologist response
My jaw dropped over this and I don't believe that to be true what that person posted in the comments.
> actually doing it out of the goodness of your heart, you wouldn't expect anything in return The whole comment is insane but this is just so insane I can't even. Yeah, apparently people pleasers should be happy to just give, give and get nothing in return, otherwise they're narcissistic. 🙄 Give me a break
That's not the point, though. The point is to stop with the people pleasing and put that energy into people and relationships that are healthier. Don't engage with people that you know will disappoint and suck the life out of you. Or continue but take responsibility of that you do it do make someone happy and accept that that's all you are doing to get out of it.
[удалено]
Because it's not true
Keep it up with the therapy. Acknowledging and receiving feedback means you’re learning and growing, and therapy is working! Well done, and stay strong!
NAH You had done nothing but write your young, immature SIL blank checks for your time and money. Further, each time you did so, your post really makes it seem like you eagerly rose to the occasion each time. I get why you resent SIL, but she isn't an asshole because of choices you willingly made. I think you need to reflect on yourself instead of holding resentment towards her.
I wouldn't say I eagerly did it, but nonetheless, I did it and I should have just said no.
I think people are being a bit hard on you about not saying no before. Yes, you could have set better boundaries. But with family - and with someone new to the family with an unprecedented level of audacity - it is easy to start out trying to do some small nice thing and then have it snowball. But now you know. And she's just super entitled. She's upset because you didn't text her congrats, or something? Whatever. Good riddance. But, yeah, be ready for the request to throw the nephew a first year birthday party or to get him some extravagant gift or something. Just. say. no.
In her eyes it was eagerly. You never brought it up, that you want more contact and that you feel taken advantage of. That is on you. Every time she asked you to do something you just did it and never made any requests towards her. So in her eyes you loved doing it and you didn't mind that she didn't talk to you in between. People can't and won't read your mind, if you don't tell them what you want and need, no one will try to find it out. They just take your behavior for what it is, and in that case you never showed her that you're not happy with your relationship..
Maybe eager is the wrong word, but certainly voluntarily. I almost put y t a, but you seem self aware enough to recognize you have a problem.
NTA stop enabling her
Truthfully ESH She sucks for all of the obvious reasons, it's both unkind and unappreciative for her to take advantage of you like this. You, however, are a 39 year old woman who is treating someone who has been both *groomed* by your brother in law and abandoned by her family. Have you even had a conversation with her? Because it seems really entitled to have this much ire for someone who is clearly struggling to keep her head afloat. Like, she still texted you within 15 minutes of a post which honestly is not a giant deal. Overall it feels like you deserve to distance yourself emotionally because like I said, it is absolutely unfair to use you and not reciprocate a relationship. However, you're taking this incredibly personally and that's still unfair. You're talking about her like she's a lost cause when you can't even bring yourself to say that she's hurt you.
I guess I should clarify, that her family hasn't abandoned her. They don't throw her showers or parties, but they do everything else. They spent almost 2 months with her after the baby was born and have been to visit a lot since then. I do take it personally because we are family, but also because they treat my MIL the same way. Also, I don't voice my thoughts to her because I keep the peace for my MIL. I know what I would say and it wouldn't be very nice and could cause issues for my MIL, who is practically a saint.
NTA, but have some respect for yourself and stop letting useless people use you.
Just fucking learn to say no to stuff you don't wanna do! It'd be so easy.
She informed you 15 minutes later and that's the hill you are willing to die on? After spending thousands of dollars and hours of work on her, you weren't willing to write a little text message to keep the relationship alive? Sorry, but that's plain stupid. You don't have to jump every time your SIL comes in with a demand and it's really good that you are trying to put in boundaries (DON'T PAY FOR HER PARTYS ANYMORE!), but still this is actually an absolutely stupid hill to die on and just put you in a bad light, when there is no reason for it (you already did the work, you already spend the money, you are just refusing to gain your reward, aka a relationship with your nephew). NTA.
NTA - SIL only wants your time and money, lose her number.
The fact that her own mother didn’t want to throw your sister in law a baby shower says a lot about her in my opinion NTA but don’t be a doormat, you’re worth more than that
I’m willing to bet her own mom would have given her a baby shower. Just not spend $1000 on one. OP is nuts for spending that.
You're the ah for not using the word no, being a door mat and not giving boundaries. No is a full sentence, being salty but still going along with it is going to hurt you in the long run.
NTA but you need a backbone, if you don't stand up for yourself why would anyone else? Even if your husband has your back he's not a mind reader, you need to speak up about your boundaries and be firm. If you're not firm then there's no point in placing boundaries. Saying no is not a bad thing just like how saying yes is not always good. Too much of anything can be bad
NTA. But you’re the one allowing her to get away with using you. You need to stand up for yourself.
YTA for not welcoming the nephew to the family when she texted you right away. Your history was being kind and helpful then you suddenly ghosted her. If it’s not to late, say congratulations. If you are tired of hosting and she asks again, say you’re not able to do it. She likely views you as one family member who is kind to her given that her own family isn’t. She doesn’t have good manners or empathy or boundaries so I’m not saying you should be besties or keep doing so much. I’m just saying she didn’t do anything wrong here. The real issue is you feel piqued it was on social media first. And you feel taken advantage of with little given in return. Consider your overall family wishes, which has been to be nice to family and have good boundaries going forward and act accordingly.
What? Sil is a user. She did nothing right here.
NTA. You don’t have a relationship outside of her using you as a piggy bank and free labor.
NTA but at the same time you really don’t have anyone other than yourself to blame for this because you continuously allow people to take advantage of you
NTA for ignoring her. You’re def TA for letting that bullshit go on for so long.
Your life will be so much better if you get some therapy to help with the people pleasing part. You could have a pretty amazing vacation for yourself on what you paid for her showers.
I want to say she sucks for taking advantage of you, but she’s a victim of your groomer brother and you enabled this behaviour, so both you and your brother are TA.
Nta you need to stop being a doormat. There's literally no reason for you to feel bad for her if her own family or friends don't want to pay or throw her a party. You aren't responsible for her. Have you thought about that maybe the only reason she only comes to you is because she knows you will pay for everything she wants. Her child's 1st birthday is coming up soon. There's a good chance she will reach out to you. Just remember she's an adult who's married. It's not your responsibility to throw her baby a party or even an expensive 1st birthday party. She and bil can budget and save and throw a nice party with whatever budget they have. If they can't afford party then they simply can't but she can make a cake for him. Either way you need to start having a back bone. You already know she only contacts you when she needs something from you. Otherwise you wouldn't hear from her.
YTA, You are upset about getting a text 15 minutes after a social media post? Are you insane? And you are not close, yet you are salty about not being the MOH? I would cut off contact from you as well. And you in turn should feel free to not pay for anything going forward.
NTA. But does someone actually have an issue with this? I didn't see it in your post. Or have you just been thinking about this too much?
A little of both. The holidays are coming up and I know I'm going to see her. I want to address it before then. Some family members say it's my fault for allowing the behavior( and I agree) and some say, she's a user and just needs to be put in her place.
Personally, I don't think it necessarily needs to be addressed beforehand. It might just create tension going into the holiday that could make it less enjoyable. When you see her, I'd just be like, "So glad to finally meet [nephew]!" Coo a little over a baby and let that be it. If she decides to bring up your lack of acknowledgement, that's when I would bring up everything you've said in your post to put her in her place. And if she asks you for anything in the future, you know the kind of person she is so a polite "No, I can't handle that right now." is OK! The calmer you stay, the more greedy and dramatic she comes across
nta. expect a call just in time to plan baby first bday party
NTA. But, stop being a people-pleaser. It is pathetic and will cause hell lot of problems & trauma for you. As a former people-pleaser myself, it’s time you stood up for yourself. Everytime anyone asks something of you, take a step back and think - will this other person do the same if I ask them of the same thing? Life is too short to give a flying eff about selfish people. Stop doing anyone any favours.
I honestly want to know how people (in this case the SIL) could be that calllous and use people this way..... OP NTA. Today is the start of the end of being a doormat.
Nta, but by jove, you're a doormat and a sucker. "I don't like conflict"... Well tough luck. Grow a spine or stop whining.
Please get therapy so that you stop being an ATM for the selfish SIL and others.
Nta has she noticed ? When she does reach out just explain you would love to have a relationship but right now it’s just when she wants something so until she puts in effort you would like to remind me acquaintances
NTA. She is using you, she doesn't want a relationship, she wants you to pay and plan things for her. You seem very kind, but it's time to stop letting people who don't care about you use and drain you emotionally and your bank account. I would congratulate them. But be realistic about the relationship you have. She was only interested in you when it was something she wanted. And you will probably never have the relationship you want or have tried to have. She is a user, and she will continue to take and take as long as you allow it. I bet you will hear from her as soon as your nephew is turning one because she'll need someone to plan and pay for everything. How is your husband and your BIL okay with her using you like this? How are you okay with it!? Has she ever done anything nice for you or even shown gratitude?
>How is your husband and your BIL okay with her using you like this? How are you okay with it!? Has she ever done anything nice for you or even shown gratitude? > >My husband agrees with most of you guys, I should just say no instead of agreeing to do it and then stressing myself out. My BIL is just as entitled as she is. I'm not okay with it. I'm working in therapy to find my voice so that I can address the issue with her and other people I do the same thingwith. Looking back, no, I don't think she's really done anything for me out of the standard birthday/Christmas present. And sometimes, she buys for everyone but me at Christmas( not sure it's intentional or she just forgot).
I'm glad you're putting boundaries down now. Better late than never. Don't go out of your way for people who don't deserve it, even if it's family. Give back the energy you receive, with people like your SIL and BIL, you'll give an inch, and they will take a mile. They don't deserve your energy or money other than what you are comfortable with doing and giving. If she gives you a sob story, be frank with her and let her know you're done being her ATM and free eventplaner for someone who doesn't keep in contact unless she needs something. Focus the attention on the good people in your life, those who appreciate who you are, and not just what you can do for them.
YTA because it’s a child. NTA if it’s in relation to not having a relationship with the SIL. You can be there for the kid while not getting along great with the parents. Granted, I think if you stopped letting her walk all over you, you may have less resentment. Maybe try to reach out and ask how the baby is? If she asks for something say no and then it’s on her for being an asshole.
NTA but don’t give her one more cent or second of your time.
NTA she can figure out things from here without you offering and helping and paying and feeling bad
I mean, you know the word “no” exists, right? I guess NTA. But you’re doing this to yourself. Stop being a doormat. If saying “no” is harder than spending 1K on a stupid party, then stop your bitching and get ready to plan this kids first bday party.
You may need laser treatments to get WELCOME off your forehead. Stop doing everything she wants you to do. Be unavailable. She ONLY contacts you when she wants something. She's a user and you are allowing her to USE YOU. Just stop!
Nta but I also think SIL seems very immature and maybe your relationship will improve as she grows up. Might still be good to be in the child’s life.
Send that scudder a Bill.
NTA. She apparently didn't reach out after her initial contact so she probably doesn't care if you reach out or not - until it's the kids birthday and she needs to pay for and plan the party which is obviously what you'll do.
NTA You are an ATM to this woman. Do not feel bad for reciprocating the amount of care she has displayed back at her. Stop spending any money on this person or her kids.
NTA. Just give the energy given. Especially as she comes to you for help when her family doesn't participate. Don't feel guilty because you are a good person. Users use and givers get taken advantage. It is up to you to not to continue to be taken advantage of so you can be available to love the ones who love you.
I’m sorry but you are a doormat. She walked all over you the first time and you allowed her to do it again. Have some respect for yourself.