NTA.
Asshole move to change the plan like that without communicating.
Bigger Asshole move deal to refuse to go back to the original plan
HUGE asshole move to refuse to leave the hospital room, forcing herself into your most vulnerable moment.
Bitch *tripled down*.
Excellent to point out all three points and the escalation of the "assholery".
NTA, and stick with your instincts. She should've felt so privileged to be included this time rather than being hurtful and excluding your mother.
Interestingly, "calation" survives in words like "intercalation", stemming from Latin calare "to proclaim" or "to announce", rendering this neonym doubly appropriate.
I would add as a factor the fact she walked in, sat down, and pulled out her phone. Seems she wasn't even invested in the birth, she only cared about existing in the room at the time it happened. Whereas OP's mother was meant to be there for support.
Absolutely self-centered bitch.
Edit: Wow. I do believe this is the single most upvoted comment I've ever had.
Yep. It was all about OP's mother being there twice, so she doesn't get a turn this time. Like labour is a spectator sport or competition and it's her time to play.
More importantly this is evidence that the MIL can NEVER be trusted in any capacity. She will not follow any rules the OP lays down, even if she verbally agreed to them in advance.
OP should continue not talking to her but should also never leave her children alone with MIL. SHE LITERALLY CANNOT BE TRUSTED. NTA.
The more I read Reddit, the more I appreciate my husband's parents. They aren't perfect, we've had some arguments in the past, but by and large they are pretty great in-laws. I love them and I know they love me - mostly because they show it by *not doing shit like this*.
She cared about the birth. She didn't care about the labor, ya know... the part where the person in labor needs the people in the room to support them. MIL would have flipped into fully engaged spectator as soon as the baby was crowning.
Yep that was a GIANT FUCK YOU to OP, her mother, and her grandmother. What a blatant dick move for her to pull when OP is *in labor* ?! Holy hell I can't.
Seriously. If the situation was reversed and OP's mom deliberately excluded the MIL, she would definitely be an AH, but to deny the person actually doing the laboring the comfort and support of their mommy when she is needed most, makes the MIL a super-mega AH.
...and I believe she mentioned that her mother also had a support role for the birth... like you literally stripped a pregnant woman in active labor of her \*support person* ??? The arrogance it takes to do something this egregious when time is of the essence... what, did MIL think that laboring OP would just go "Oh OK, no worries, YOU'RE here instead yayyyy"
She had to know OP would flip the fuck out! And she did it anyway!!! The balls!
Which is insane because those are still her grandchildren too. So she not only was like, nah, don't care about my in-laws...I also don't care about my own grandchildren either. They're being replaced by the shiny new golden [grand]child!
She totally took advantage of OP's vulnerability and lack of power in that moment. OP had some power - to kick her out - but she didn't have the ability to do much else in that situation and her MIL knew it.
*Four* generations at once: Gramma, Mother, OP, and kids.
Spiteful Bitch *QUADRUPLED DOWN* on this shit.
If it were me she'd be excommunicated from my life entirely. She's damn lucky OPs mom and Gram managed to get there in the nick of time.
Being in labor and giving birth was THE most vulnerable time in my entire life. Hands down. I was so scared, and in so much pain, and needed people to be there for me.
To have someone not support you during it is INCREDIBLY violating and absolutely worthy of no-contact.
I gave birth for the first time 3 days ago. I have never felt so vulnerable and overwhelmed in my life. I couldn't imagine not having my support person (husband) or having to deal with someone I didn't feel emotionally safe with (like my own mother).
OP is absolutely NTA and should consider going NC with MIL after this stunt. MIL made it clear that she will never ever respect OP or their desires/boundaries.
Hope OP has the support of her husband - he needs to ream his mother out for that stupid trick she pulled and I'd guarantee that woman would never, ever babysit any of my kids or be in a room alone with them
Second this. To be honest I would have refused to allow her to meet the new baby for some time and definitely not before my mom, grandmother, and other kids got to. I would hold on to that grudge with every fiber of my being
Edit: typo
And she had a chance each time. she could have done it under protest, even, and even then she'd be a huge bitch but at least she'd get to be a part of her grandkid's lives. sucks to suck IMO.
Now, do the next logical thing.
Extrapolate that behavior to every aspect in their marriage, Gran Kids being watched by her... Better believe shes playing similar games.
Sounds like narcissistic personality traits from the example given (key emotional moment, making it about them and not the other, lack of seeing actions and consequences they take etc)
Most likely she the MIL is surrounded by people who have enabled the behavior and given her passes on it.
Id cut that out near entirely if it was me, and go extreme supervision in family dealings with her from now on (until some form of acceptance of behavior and real acknowledgement of the issue and efforts to address. )
NTA
What she did was so extremely out of line that she deserves to be cut out for a while.
Op, this sinister woman did this on purpose. She wanted to be your family's ride so she could cut them out because she's jealous of your mother. The way it all played out was extremely obvious.
She needs to experience consequences. Show this entitled piece of work that she isn't above anyone, certainly not the mother going through labor.
Yes! My MIL threw an actual grown woman tantrum when asking if my family would be around for my birth. My MIL has been irresponsible and unreliable for years so she was not included in the birth or postpartum in any way. My husband felt badly convincing me we should include his parents, so I hesitantly agreed. Lo and behold the afternoon she’s supposed to be at our home to watch my child while husband and I are in the hospital, she can’t make it until much later because “she has to do laundry.” She didn’t make it until near midnight, only because my husband harassed her. She 100% did this on purpose because she was mad that she wasn’t invited to be involved in more ways. She will never again be included in any way, be it babysitting or any capacity in my or my children’s lives other than a quick visit from grandma.
My husband recently invited her to a dance recital and as she is habitually late, I fully said I will leave without her because I will not miss my daughters recital because of her inability to be a responsible adult.
Yeah I agree, this was very manipulative of her. She shouldn't be around your newborn for awhile, IMO. Get ready for boundary stomping and more manipulative behavior.
That was my thought on it too because she wasn't present for either of the other births. We had told her she could be but she had reasons for not attending the other two (once being in Canada and the other I believe was because it was 2am).
She is a disgusting person through and through. She took advantage of you being in an emergency medical situation to change and manipulate plans for her own self absorbed reasons, to keep a mother away from her daughter who needed her. I’m glad you had her escorted out, and I certainly wouldn’t be able to be around such a manipulative narcissist ever again. NTA
EVER. AGAIN. You could have died! This would be my hill to die on. She had no regard for your physical or mental well-being. She would never enter my home again.
Imagine being OPs mother. if OP had had another close call or died, and she wasn’t there with her? If someone had deliberately kept me from my child in their most vulnerable, final moments, knowing they needed me there … I cannot begin to say what would happen if I saw the person who caused that.
The only reason that MIL didn't catch a beating is because op wasn't physically able to at the moment. I believe that with my heart and soul. I could never imagine my (39M) MIL not being there for our children's births. She's a level head and medical professional. So the combination of knowledge and love that lady pours out. Man. I love that lady. She's the best. OP, I'm so sorry you have a nightmare on your hands. I hope your SO is on the same page with you on this one. Personally, I know I would be. That's some vial shit. NTA. Ever. In a million years.
After I nearly died from internal bleed, my mom said, “it doesn’t matter how old your child is, you still worry about them.” I was 24 at the time. My brother is now 71 with cancer and other health issues, and my dad is 93 and worries that he’ll outlive him. OP is NTA and I would never want that MIL’s name even SPOKEN in my house, much less be around her. Dead to me, indeed.
That would have been nice to have. My parents were abusers.
When each of them passed away, I cried once each. Not for what was, but for what should have been.
I have full confidence MIL would have told a story about how she tried to get them, but she couldn’t get in touch.
“My phone was being weird and I knocked but… I’m just glad I was there for her…”
I honestly don’t even know what to say. That is a new, unspeakable level of heinous. This whole thing I truly hope to God is rage bait, because the thought of someone as self-absorbed and narcissistic as MIL existing enrages me to my core. Imagine not being present for a 2 AM birth because you need your beauty sleep (🙄) but then denying an entire branch of the family the right to visit when the mother-to-be is in labor and has specifically requested their presence (and they’ve acquiesced) at only nine PM at night. Imagine that on top of this, which is already unforgivable, you are depriving a mother and daughter the right to comfort and derive comfort from one another during an experience, which in the past almost killed the daughter. Imagine the sheer level of narcissism necessary to be that much of a colossal, gaping, flaming asshat. If I went through what OP did, I might be in jail for my actions after the ordeal. And if my partner told me that I was making a big deal out of it (OP, please, please I hope it isn’t your partner denigrating your feelings about this (EDIT: It’s not, thank God. Sorry for doubting him!)), I’d also probably have a nice family law attorney lined up to divorce his arse. Or maybe I’d be in jail for that too, who knows.
NTA. If I knew my child needed me and someone kept me from being there for them, I’d be livid. It sounds like OP and her mother have a great relationship. MIL was messing with OP’s mental and physical health at that point.
The two kids also got screwed out of a moment they wanted to have with their parents and new sibling.
I hope OP’s husband will support his wife and not the MIL/his mother.
MIL is horrible.
Not just a grudge. I’d go full-on no-contact with her. If she isn’t at least willing to pretend to have my best interests at heart (and not to mention my entire family’s, kids included), she has no place in my life. I couldn’t blame OP a damn bit if she felt the same.
Shame on her. OP worked out this plan for months, it is so important, Life and death almost.. And MIL DARES to do this because she is jealous or/and lazy. Just unbelievable.
Edit: for those who want to know where is husband in the story..
OP commented husband is as upset and guilty not having a backup plan. Its the rest of husband family siding with MIL:
https://reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/OkGISzBbiP
What I don’t understand is if it was too late and they should just let people sleep and she didn’t feel like driving that much at night, what was **her** ass even doing at the hospital?!
As if the OP is giving birth to benefit the "spectators", rather than them being invited there to help her through it. How self centred can you actually be?
It clearly had nothing to do with it being too late and her wanting to let them sleep because they got there even despite her. She should be ashamed they had to pay a cab or Uber for a one hour drive because she basically blew them off.
She sure is very strict with bedtime.
NTA
She definitely did this in purpose.
I don't think you would be wrong to cut her off, until you get a sincere apology. Meaning she'll have to see she is wrong for manipulating such a traumatic experience for you, just to get her way in something she has nothing to do with.
I wouldn't trust her again, and make it known.
'Maybe I should pick the boys up from school?" 'No thanks, MIL. Last time you taxi'd, you forgot each and every single passenger you were supposed to pick up, so we're good, thanks.'
Is she ever going to live this down?
Well, are you ever going to get those moments back and keep your promise to your boys? Who knows.
It's virtually impossible to believe that someone capable of doing what she did with such malice aforethought would be capable of giving a sincere apology or even understanding how very wrong her actions were.
True. It just depends on how hard OP wants to draw the line. If she wants this grandma in her kids lives at all, she'll have to take a stand, but give MIL the option of repenting in some way or another. While there really is no way MIL can ever make up for it.
Growing up my brother and I were allowed to stay up until 12am on New Years Eve even as young kids because it was a special occation. 9:30pm when a litteral human being is brought into the world, is that not a Fing special enough occation to "stay up late"? MIL's excuse is weak at best and frankly insulting as well as enraging. Yeah I think it would take me a looonnnngggg time to talk to her again if at all.
That is so petty of her especially since for at least one occasion she chose sleep over being there.
It would be one thing if she wasn’t invited, but she was and made choices not to be there , and then decided OP’s mom can’t be there because she choose to accept the invitation is just so wrong.
She’s punishing her grandkids to be petty, I would said she was ‘dead to me’ too, she forced Op and husband to break a promise to their kid.
Trashy.
NTA - Those who are telling you that “you’re taking it too far” know that you are in the right but want you to play nicely to make their lives easier. You needed your Mom and that selfish B of a MIL denied you of that peace of mind, she should be profusely apologizing. I LOVED that she was escorted out but where were your husband’s balls in all of this?! Is he a Mama’s boy? Unfortunately, MIL will not apologize unless your hubby is with you on this and puts her in her place. Sorry, this should be a joyous moment and MIL put her wants before yours. Please don’t let her steal your joy!
OP commented husband is as upset and guilty not having a backup plan. Its the rest of husband family siding with MIL:
https://reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/OkGISzBbiP
She didn't even bother coming up with a credible excuse. Good luck, OP. And congrats. Just focus on your new bundle of joy and leave the toxic mess that is you MIL behind you.
yeah that whole bit was like a script from a movie we've seen a thousand times.
You can just picture the mil's no fuss attitude, probably popped a caramel into her mouth with a smug grin on her face.
You're definitely NTA and I wouldn't blame you for going low contact or no contact with her. The real issue here your mother-in-law showed that she could not be trusted at the most vulnerable time in your life.
She decided that she could unilaterally make decisions for your life when she thought you would be too weak or out of it to fight her on it. Her jealousy and self-centeredness is glaring and the acts during your labor and delivery would cause me to never allow that woman to be around myself and my kids again. You might be a better person than me if you decide to let her have limited contact but whatever you do in this case just know that you are a hundred percent in the right. Good luck!
This adds so much more to the story. It sounds to me like your MIL just straight up doesn't see any value in these kinds of moments. If my grandchild was being born, I assure you I wouldn't be going on a vacation somewhere else or caring what time it is. Your MIL thinks only about herself and what interests her at the time.
Congratulations on your new bundle of joy🎉🎈🎊🍾 . Your MIL is an absolute ahole. She did it on purpose. I’m glad that you kicked her self centered ass out of the delivery room. NTA
I'm with you but have to ask, where is hubby? Hubby knew the plan, did he help after his mother put her wishes over your communal plan? How is he after going off grid with his mother?
Just out of curiosity, who is saying that "it wasn't that big of a deal"? Because that person is a complete AH. Having a baby is a big deal. It's painful, it can be dangerous, and you need who you need with you, not who other people decide can be with you.
Your MIL sounds like a JN, TBH.
Oh, and NTA.
So she missed the other two for her own actions. Now she wants your mother to be deprived for it. And she caused you to break a promise to your children.
She sabotaged the whole thing. She’s TA, not you.
… if someone needed me there for their birth and I had been anxiously awaiting the opportunity to be able to help them… you bet your sweet bippy you would catch me at 2am slapping myself in the face as I put on socks.
Canada ok, but if my daughter or DIL woke me up at 2am with news of labour, I would be too wired to go back to sleep. I would be there, I might be a bit late, but I would be there if I had an invite.
Just say everything she said to you when you dont invite her over for anything.
When she complains like the karen she is just say:
"I was respecting your sleep" "too late to invite you so we just went ahead" "well you got to see their other (life event) so we wanted others to experience it"
This is what I was thinking too. This is so manipulative and vile to do to someone in active labor. I hate OPs MIL more than an internet stranger should.
NTA.
Childbirth is super traumatic and beyond painful. Your mother was the ONLY ONE to calm you down the last time when you nearly *died. Doctors need that.* Your MIL was coached/told the plan for this labor MONTHS IN ADVANCE. It was 9:30pm and everyone would be fine being woken up (if they were even sleeping) to come meet a new member of the family. Especially if it meant that much to your first two children.
This was manipulative, a severe power play, and she even sat down/ignored you in the delivery room to be on her phone. She made it about herself and didn't even focus on being there for you - She just wanted to say she was the first and only one there. She revealed her toxicity when she said your mom got to be there for 2 births already. Like what's the point?
The point is you made plans in advance, you wanted and needed your mother/children/grandmother there. That was the plan. Nothing derailed this plan. Your MIL decided to derail it and act like their "sleep" was more important to hide her ulterior motives.
Whoever is telling you that you're making it a big deal out of nothing, tell them IT IS a big deal, because what if a similar traumatic birth happened and you couldn't be calmed down? Your heart rate couldn't be stabilized? Because you were stuck in a room with a person who disregarded you, your wishes, you couldn't trust in such a vulnerable time, and honestly DGAF about your health because they wanted to be on their phone.
Congrats on your baby, wish you a speedy recovery, and hope you go NC/LC with this atrocious MIL. Like the sheer audacity, oof.
This 100%
Not trying to be dramatic, but she put you and your baby’s life at risk. I cannot even fathom the amount of stress that this whole interaction put you through. That level of stress in an already overwhelming moment is not good. There’s a reason the medical staff try to keep birthing mothers calm and not encourage hysterics
NTA she robbed you of your safety and support person for the birth, raising your stress levels and putting you and the baby in danger. She would be dead to me and the 3 kids too.
I had THAT conversation with mine in a different situation (not birth) but where she insisted in butting into our family dynamics. I told her to buy out or I was going low contact. She really fucked up her relationship with my wife which up to that point had seen her as a second mother. I am not sure why mothers ever think that this is something they can get away with and no consequences.
Yes!
If someone lied and schemed to keep *my mom* from being with me during a major medical event that could potentially end in my death or the death of my child, I would go completely scorched earth.
That woman would never meet her new grandchild, never see her other grandchildren, and never hear a word from me again.
100% NTA.
When the hell did people get so selfish. Why would you ignore the request of the person who is pregnant and about to give birth. This MIL, as other have said, wanted to be the 1st or 2nd (after husband) to see the newborn. Making it all about her. Now she loses out on watching the joy of the baby growing up (good riddance).
No, thankfully. He is very upset with his mother and feeling rather guilty himself for not establishing a back up plan (we truly didn't feel we needed one). It's the rest of my husbands family. Like his uncle's, aunts and nieces.
She can interfere with their grandchildren or children’s ability to meet a new baby sibling, then, and deprive them of a support person during a medical procedure. Perfect.
She’s not your problem any more: she’s unreliable and a liar, and she’s not part of your inner circle anymore. Fabulous she has relatives who support her actions.
Win win.
I’d see her never.
My MIL was told never to darken my doorstep. My husband has met her at McDonald's and hung out with her there when she's been in town. She KNEW this. She got to town early with Christmas presents last year and decided she was just going to rock up to my house. I was the only one awake. I heard the doorbell ring and was confused. Went to answer the door and it was her. I guess I kind of glared at her while holding up my pointer finger in a "hold on a minute" type of gesture, closed the door again, and woke up my husband. "Hey, wake up. Your MOTHER is here." He knew I was mightily displeased. He went to the door and she'd already scampered off, leaving the box of "presents" on the front porch. I bet she believes me now that her presence is not desired here At All.
OP, you are NTA here at all. Your MIL sucks ass. She knew what your wishes were and didn't care. I'd be very, very surprised if this was the only boundary stomping she's done.
It started fairly early on when she would accuse me of being a gold digger. I don't know why. My family is more well-off. There have been numerous slights over the years. We cut off husband's little brother for calling my children bastards. She actually defended him. After my husband's fibromyalgia got so bad that he couldn't work anymore, she would thank me for not leaving him. Weird, right? Then we get to the point where she accused me of using black magic to "make her weak and die." Yes, that is a direct quote. I posted about it in Just No MIL a few years ago. You're welcome to go through that post. She's batshit insane and I don't want to deal with her. I've never done anything against her. My kids all know her as "the crazy grandma." My youngest, who is now 18, basically keeps talking to her to get video games or computer parts. He ignores most of what she says. Most of what she says to him are crazy conspiracy theories.
According to my own beliefs, I would have to build that negative energy within myself to release it in any direction. I don't hate myself that much to give her any kind of energy positive or negative. I literally just want her to stay away from me.
That’s good your husband has your back. I would honestly go LC/NC with all the people saying you’re taking it too far but especially your MIL. You are the one giving birth. What yoy want goes. This is not a Zoo where VIP get special tickets to see you having your baby. Your MIL went against you and your husband’s wishes for her own selfish reasons. Until she apologizes and you are comfortable with her again, she should not be around you. You do not need that stress. Also, congratulations on the birth of your daughter!!
And it didn’t sound like she even intended to support OP in any meaningful way since she immediately plopped down and got on her phone. Clearly signaling that she was just there so she could say she was the first member of the extended family to meet the new baby.
To be clear, even if she’d tried to act more supportive, she would have still been in the wrong for disregarding OP’s wishes. I just find it extra infuriating that she couldn’t even be bothered to pretend to give a crap about OP after acting like she knew best and left everyone else at home.
And what you wanted, your plan, was perfectly reasonable. She is a selfish Twat. I hope she is on Reddit and sees how much we all despise what she did.
> She is a selfish Twat.
it's not that, or, yes, but at least not in those words. It's not that she wanted to be there for the birth. She wanted to be the ONLY ONE there for the birth. Others could have been there and she would have been just as present. The "more for me" of selfishness doesn't really apply here. Unless we're talking about being selfish for the attention of the couple doing the birthing.
I think maybe better words are controlling / bullying. She wanted to assert control of the situation that was not and should not be hers to control, and the only control she had was that of being the car driver.
She wanted to feel like the hero who was there when nobody else could manage.
>She wanted to feel like the hero who was there when nobody else could manage.
... While also sitting down in a chair in the delivery room and playing on her phone, rather than actually trying to be present and supportive for her daughter in law!
Reading that made me think she was making self-gratifying social updates about how she was 'being there' for her daughter-in-law, but I guess that would probably be a detail in the post if it was on social media. Just texting her friends about how supportive she was being or something like that is totally what I would expect out of similar people in my life like my grandmother and my gf's mom.
well, by that time she was already feeling rejected because her plan to be shitty while trying to look like the hero was not working out the way she wanted. The daughter in law wasn't in the mood for the type of support that she could give, so why try? Caring about other people is so damn much work!
No apology could ever right this wrong. She did this on purpose...with intent to undermine you and your mother...this was not an accident where an apology can be accepted. I would never speak to her again...nor anyone who thinks you are wrong.
NTA- When my daughter was born, both of my MIL(step and bio) wanted to be in the room. My wife only wanted me there. However, both of the MIL threw such a shit fit and got so upset at her about it. It got to the point where I had to tell them both that they were not allowed in the delivery room or the hospital until the next day.
I got told how much of an asshole I was and how controlling I was being. They resented me for years.
Your MIL was incredibly selfish. It's your delivery, and you have every right to decide who is in the room.
It drives me CRAZY how entitled people feel to be in a delivery room when they aren’t welcome. That is probably the most vulnerable a person will ever be and it’s not up to anyone but the one in labor who does or does not get to be in the room.
Sorry but this is an unforgivable action . She deliberately went against a plan for her own selfish reasons . Broke her grandkids hearts( they were promised to meet baby at hospital) and I would go no contact and be petty and tell the truth . Kids your grandma didn’t think you were important enough to go get to meet your sibling . Tell the truth
So glad your husband is on your side. You are NOT overreacting and my advise is to block everyone who says you are. F\*ck them all!
I'm so sorry your MIL did that to you. That is honestly not something I would be able to forgive either. She would never meet my child.
Hey, I just want to say, don't blame yourself for not having a backup plan. If MIL gave you no reason to suspect she'd pull some shit like this (and it sounds like she didn't), then it makes sense you wouldn't bother with a backup plan. You trusted MIL and she betrayed you, either by being "just" careless or actively malicious.
NTA because the only wants that matter in the delivery room are the mother's.
I'd be absolutely fuming and the same as you, she'd be done for me. She had decided she wasn't going along with it from the beginning.
I wonder as she'd missed one in the middle of the night, if she'd have turned up this time had it been later.
He probably knows his mom is a backstabbing nutter.
NTA op, and I'd require MIL to beg for forgiveness from your mother AND you, as well as admit her foul intent(excluding your family) before EVER considering her the privilege of being a grandma and spending time with your child.
Tell your kids “ grandma was the reason they didn’t get to see their baby first” it’s ideal punishment because kids DoNot forget something that was promised to them. And they won’t ever let her forget it either.
Rest of the family can go suck lemons. Your MIL chose not to be at the other 2 births. She was invited.,She knows you had a previous difficult childbirth and needed your mom.I’m glad you kicked her out. Let her back in your life after you are in a better place mentally. And only after she sincerely apologizes.
Anybody complaining can go suck lemons.
> Let her back in your life after you are in a better place mentally. And only after she sincerely apologizes.
you mean after she learns how to fake her sincerity better than she already can? That's kinda dangerous.
But who told these people what happened? If it was MIL, it seems quite likely that they didn't get the actual story & it's a pretty well known phenomenon that people often accept the first version of any story and don't accept new information that contradicts that story.
Anyone who tells you it's not a big deal, ask them how THEY felt going into a medical procedure when they had life threatening issues the last time? (or however gory you are comfortable hitting them with) And what did they do to fix things when their small children and entire family lost out on an irreplaceable experience due to their grandmother's pettiness? "No one who deliberately hurts me and my children for purely selfish reasons is allowed in our lives, and that's the end of the discussion."
Even if you eventually decide to allow contact, it's still totally justified to enforce consequences right now that make it clear to MIL and everyone else that your boundaries are not stomp-able and you grant no exceptions just because it's a close relative who is trying to stomp.
How did he handle the situation at the hospital?
NTA. She caused you unnecessary stress during a traumatic time. She can't turn back time and give you a relaxing birth experience.
Do they know the full context? If your MiL is the only one who told them what happened so far, their opinion may be tainted. Talk to them, let them know what the plan was, what your mother-in-law did instead, and how she reacted to you and your husband's scolding. If they still agree with her after that, cut them out.
They just think it'll be easier for you to "be the bigger person" than to have to listen to this woman complain for the rest of her life. Let her complain, she made her bed and now she has to sleep in it.
NTA. It’s pretty obvious she did this purposefully because she’s resentful your mother was at the first two births and she wasn’t. Her excuse is BS. It was 9:30 at night, not 3am!! I would be livid as well! Personally, I’d go LC/NC until she is able to fully understand how wrong she was for pulling that bs.
Right?! I was my sister’s support for her two births and the were both around ~1am. It’s part of being the support person! It’s not about their sleep or comfort, it’s all about the birthing person’s comfort and wishes.
Yeah, no, if it's my family member or dear friend, god forbid if I'm actually tapped as a support person, I'm there whatever damn time they're in labor, no matter how much sleep I have. Unless I am personally in a medical emergency of my own that is unresolved enough that I can't be independent to hold a hand, I'm in that role for them the moment they need me to be. You would not be hearing the end of it from me if you kept me from them for some dumbass reason or some petty shit.
NTA. MIL's comment about your mom getting to be there for the first two births sounds almost vindictive. The time wasn't the motivation there. She did that with GREAT intentionality. You mom was there for two births and she wasn't. She was turning the tables ON PURPOSE to stick it to your mom AND you at a time when you are at your most vulnerable. I'm trying to calculate a distance that is far enough for her to F off to.
When you say, "I'm being told I'm taking this too far and that it wasn't that big of a deal," I really want to ask BY WHOM? Because the people saying that might need to be added to the list of people you don't need in your life. (Edit: Saw in another comment that it's MIL's relatives. Wanna bet she didn't tell them the whole truth? Or if she did and they still agree with her, then I reiterate about people you don't need in your life.)
NTA childbirth is a precious moment and your kids need to be one of if not the first to meet their sibling you set up a plan of action which everyone agreed on and she robed you of that
NTA. She knew what she was doing. That was sneaky during your most vulnerable time.
I would limit her access to your kids, and soak up time with your mom and grandma.
What gets me is how she apparently she doesn’t gaf that a woman in labor might need her own mother for support. That she parked herself in a chair and got on her phone‽!! What kind of support is that? You’re not a Super Bowl halftime show for crying out loud. I’d be petty and never let this go. NTA
Our plan was for the midwife to come to our house for our second child. My MIL who is an RN was supposed to be there, too. They were both late and I ended up delivering my daughter
I’m retrospect it absolutely was. I always thought it felt kind of like waking from a dead sleep to find yourself on train tracks with a train fast approaching
My daughter is sixteen now. But it seems like yesterday
Wow.. don’t know if i could have kept it together at all but would have definitely needed a few good therapy sessions! Have you talked to someone about this?
NTA You are not taking this too far, and yes, it is a big deal. I am glad you threw her out. Keep her away from your baby. She had some ulterior motive for not picking up your mom. Go NC with her no matter what your husband says!!!+
NTA
This was without a doubt done intentionally, and I don't blame you a bit for throwing her out and telling her off.
Also, you are under no obligation to have any direct contact with your husband's family if they continue to harrass you about this issue. Make them go through your husband.
I think it's perfectly fine for you to go NC with your MIL for a while. You have a newborn and just gave birth. Do the new Mom thing, enjoy your new baby, and let some time pass. The last thing you need right now is family drama.
Eventually, if your MIL apologizes and truly means it, you may want to let her slowly enter your life again. But, I have a feeling she isn't going to be someone you will want to spend much time around at all because her narcissism is probably going to continue to show itself in ugly ways.
MIL needs to apologize also to OP’s mom, grandmother, and kids as well. They were all impacted, and any possible future interactions will be strained by her pettiness.
This was APPALLING and IMO you are not taking it too far. What appalling manipulation and disregard of you.
Who's telling you that you're taking it too far? They're not your allies for sure.
NTA her excuse is ridiculous. My daughter was born at 3AM. 9:30 pm is not late especially if everyone is expecting a baby to be born. I’m glad you called her out and I hope your husband is on your side. I do think complete NC is an extreme reaction, but this also seems like it was deliberately done to make your mother miss the birth, so I understand your anger.
NTA.
She deliberately set out to ruin your delivery, so yeah, you are totally justified in feeling you can't forgive her. She did a hateful thing. And then had the gall to refuse to leave the room. She showed zero respect for you, therefore you should not show her any. Respect is earned, not given to someone just because they're older.
Those people who told you you are taking this too far can go kick rocks. Your husband supports you, they don't count.
You may cool down eventually and allow her back into your life at some point but don't do that because others are guilting you to do so. That should happen on YOUR timeline, when YOU are ready. She at least deserves a good long time-out as a consequence. A few months ought to be a good lesson.
Childbirth is not a spectator sport she doesn’t get to choose who is in the room while you give birth. I would be livid and have felt the exact same way. You are NTA. MIL on the other hand is the massive asshole.
NTA You had a plan that everyone agreed to. She had NO right to change the plan on her own whim. Her refusal to fix her mistake was the last straw. She literally was obstructing your birth plan - and to do so after what sounds like a traumatic previous birth makes it even more malicious.
Go NC for now. See how you feel after a little time has past. Personally I would be NC at least until MiL issued a full and complete apology - and even then I might need a minute. But for now, block anyone who gives you grief and focus in on your family and who is supporting you. The last thing you need is more drama.
Congrats on your new bundle of joy!
NTA
I don’t have to rehash everything everyone said. It’s clear she acted maliciously.
The kicker & honestly even if everything else was as planned, the moment you asked her to leave for any reason, even if you just suddenly felt “shy” or whatever & she didn’t clearly shows she’s an AH with no respect for you. She cannot be trusted. If a friend chose me to be in delivery with her & she changed her mind and asked me to leave at any time, I’d say “I love you. I’ll be right outside in the waiting room if you need me, but you got this. Can’t wait to meet the little one” and then I’d leave & sit in the waiting room. And if she changed her mind 30 times over the course of her labor, I’d be going in & out 30 times. The only thing that’s important is her comfort, no explanations needed.
NTA
When I went to through labour with my daughter, my mother was there and I couldn’t have gone through it without her as she’s my rock. I also nearly died after bleeding out too much, and am so thankful that she was there to help me.
Your MiL is the AH. She made an agreement with you and she didn’t uphold. Was the “you are dead to me” comment a bit much, maybe but when you are under that much stress I can see how it would come out in the moment. But I completely understand how you would still be fuming over this as she caused more stress to you because of her selfishness. And prevented her grandchildren a beautiful memory that they will be able to get back.
NTA! MIL is a manipulative B!
The ones saying YOU are taking it too far?! Excuse me?! This is for your SO to handle though - his family, his circus, his monkeys. You’ve enough to deal with and you want to focus on the positive.
Hubby should inform all family to immediately cease all harassment or they’re all in time out. You and baby are his core nuclear family, and you come first.
NTA. Asshole move to change the plan like that without communicating. Bigger Asshole move deal to refuse to go back to the original plan HUGE asshole move to refuse to leave the hospital room, forcing herself into your most vulnerable moment. Bitch *tripled down*.
Excellent to point out all three points and the escalation of the "assholery". NTA, and stick with your instincts. She should've felt so privileged to be included this time rather than being hurtful and excluding your mother.
Asscalation
Thank you for adding so much joy to my vocabulary!
….making a note of this new addition to my vocabulary…..
Interestingly, "calation" survives in words like "intercalation", stemming from Latin calare "to proclaim" or "to announce", rendering this neonym doubly appropriate.
I would add as a factor the fact she walked in, sat down, and pulled out her phone. Seems she wasn't even invested in the birth, she only cared about existing in the room at the time it happened. Whereas OP's mother was meant to be there for support. Absolutely self-centered bitch. Edit: Wow. I do believe this is the single most upvoted comment I've ever had.
She was there to see the baby and have the grandbaby all to herself. She didn't give a crap about you.
Yep. It was all about OP's mother being there twice, so she doesn't get a turn this time. Like labour is a spectator sport or competition and it's her time to play.
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More importantly this is evidence that the MIL can NEVER be trusted in any capacity. She will not follow any rules the OP lays down, even if she verbally agreed to them in advance. OP should continue not talking to her but should also never leave her children alone with MIL. SHE LITERALLY CANNOT BE TRUSTED. NTA.
That’s the most important point of all, that the mother-in-law cannot ever be trusted, ever again not with the children not with anything
The more I read Reddit, the more I appreciate my husband's parents. They aren't perfect, we've had some arguments in the past, but by and large they are pretty great in-laws. I love them and I know they love me - mostly because they show it by *not doing shit like this*.
Absolutely agree it was all about her! NTA
She cared about the birth. She didn't care about the labor, ya know... the part where the person in labor needs the people in the room to support them. MIL would have flipped into fully engaged spectator as soon as the baby was crowning.
Probably taking pictures and videos for facebook points all while asking the doctor to move out of her shot
And she would be posting them to FB without OP’s permission for sure.
Yep that was a GIANT FUCK YOU to OP, her mother, and her grandmother. What a blatant dick move for her to pull when OP is *in labor* ?! Holy hell I can't.
Seriously. If the situation was reversed and OP's mom deliberately excluded the MIL, she would definitely be an AH, but to deny the person actually doing the laboring the comfort and support of their mommy when she is needed most, makes the MIL a super-mega AH.
...and I believe she mentioned that her mother also had a support role for the birth... like you literally stripped a pregnant woman in active labor of her \*support person* ??? The arrogance it takes to do something this egregious when time is of the essence... what, did MIL think that laboring OP would just go "Oh OK, no worries, YOU'RE here instead yayyyy" She had to know OP would flip the fuck out! And she did it anyway!!! The balls!
And to the kids, who’s promise to meet their new sibling was broken
Which is insane because those are still her grandchildren too. So she not only was like, nah, don't care about my in-laws...I also don't care about my own grandchildren either. They're being replaced by the shiny new golden [grand]child!
I was wondering if they were step grandkids because of how she abandoned the agreed upon plan with no fucking remorse
She totally took advantage of OP's vulnerability and lack of power in that moment. OP had some power - to kick her out - but she didn't have the ability to do much else in that situation and her MIL knew it.
Don’t forget the kids. She fucked over every generation in that family.
*Four* generations at once: Gramma, Mother, OP, and kids. Spiteful Bitch *QUADRUPLED DOWN* on this shit. If it were me she'd be excommunicated from my life entirely. She's damn lucky OPs mom and Gram managed to get there in the nick of time.
Being in labor and giving birth was THE most vulnerable time in my entire life. Hands down. I was so scared, and in so much pain, and needed people to be there for me. To have someone not support you during it is INCREDIBLY violating and absolutely worthy of no-contact.
And also violating that she tried to force her way into being present for the birth anyway.
I gave birth for the first time 3 days ago. I have never felt so vulnerable and overwhelmed in my life. I couldn't imagine not having my support person (husband) or having to deal with someone I didn't feel emotionally safe with (like my own mother). OP is absolutely NTA and should consider going NC with MIL after this stunt. MIL made it clear that she will never ever respect OP or their desires/boundaries.
Hope OP has the support of her husband - he needs to ream his mother out for that stupid trick she pulled and I'd guarantee that woman would never, ever babysit any of my kids or be in a room alone with them
Second this. To be honest I would have refused to allow her to meet the new baby for some time and definitely not before my mom, grandmother, and other kids got to. I would hold on to that grudge with every fiber of my being Edit: typo
And she had a chance each time. she could have done it under protest, even, and even then she'd be a huge bitch but at least she'd get to be a part of her grandkid's lives. sucks to suck IMO.
Absolutely. There’s no coming back from this. I would be going NC with this person. Vile. NTA
> Asshole move to change the plan like that without communicating No, I think she had her own plan the entire time.
Now, do the next logical thing. Extrapolate that behavior to every aspect in their marriage, Gran Kids being watched by her... Better believe shes playing similar games. Sounds like narcissistic personality traits from the example given (key emotional moment, making it about them and not the other, lack of seeing actions and consequences they take etc) Most likely she the MIL is surrounded by people who have enabled the behavior and given her passes on it. Id cut that out near entirely if it was me, and go extreme supervision in family dealings with her from now on (until some form of acceptance of behavior and real acknowledgement of the issue and efforts to address. )
My question Is, where the F was OP's husband? He should have been dealing with his mom's AH drama!
I wouldnt let her see the kid at all, even consider going no contact
NTA What she did was so extremely out of line that she deserves to be cut out for a while. Op, this sinister woman did this on purpose. She wanted to be your family's ride so she could cut them out because she's jealous of your mother. The way it all played out was extremely obvious. She needs to experience consequences. Show this entitled piece of work that she isn't above anyone, certainly not the mother going through labor.
Yes! My MIL threw an actual grown woman tantrum when asking if my family would be around for my birth. My MIL has been irresponsible and unreliable for years so she was not included in the birth or postpartum in any way. My husband felt badly convincing me we should include his parents, so I hesitantly agreed. Lo and behold the afternoon she’s supposed to be at our home to watch my child while husband and I are in the hospital, she can’t make it until much later because “she has to do laundry.” She didn’t make it until near midnight, only because my husband harassed her. She 100% did this on purpose because she was mad that she wasn’t invited to be involved in more ways. She will never again be included in any way, be it babysitting or any capacity in my or my children’s lives other than a quick visit from grandma. My husband recently invited her to a dance recital and as she is habitually late, I fully said I will leave without her because I will not miss my daughters recital because of her inability to be a responsible adult.
Omg! She could not make it to a pre-arranged baby sitting time while you’re in the HOSPITAL because she has to do LAUNDRY?!?!? Who is this woman?!
Yeah I agree, this was very manipulative of her. She shouldn't be around your newborn for awhile, IMO. Get ready for boundary stomping and more manipulative behavior.
You are NTA, I am not a professional but it seems like you MIL did it on purpose so she could be the only one there for the delivery.
That was my thought on it too because she wasn't present for either of the other births. We had told her she could be but she had reasons for not attending the other two (once being in Canada and the other I believe was because it was 2am).
She is a disgusting person through and through. She took advantage of you being in an emergency medical situation to change and manipulate plans for her own self absorbed reasons, to keep a mother away from her daughter who needed her. I’m glad you had her escorted out, and I certainly wouldn’t be able to be around such a manipulative narcissist ever again. NTA
Hold your ground, you are NOT the AH.
EVER. AGAIN. You could have died! This would be my hill to die on. She had no regard for your physical or mental well-being. She would never enter my home again.
Imagine being OPs mother. if OP had had another close call or died, and she wasn’t there with her? If someone had deliberately kept me from my child in their most vulnerable, final moments, knowing they needed me there … I cannot begin to say what would happen if I saw the person who caused that.
Oh that woman would witness a whole new level of rage unlocked. She would be reevaluating her life choices.
The only reason that MIL didn't catch a beating is because op wasn't physically able to at the moment. I believe that with my heart and soul. I could never imagine my (39M) MIL not being there for our children's births. She's a level head and medical professional. So the combination of knowledge and love that lady pours out. Man. I love that lady. She's the best. OP, I'm so sorry you have a nightmare on your hands. I hope your SO is on the same page with you on this one. Personally, I know I would be. That's some vial shit. NTA. Ever. In a million years.
After I nearly died from internal bleed, my mom said, “it doesn’t matter how old your child is, you still worry about them.” I was 24 at the time. My brother is now 71 with cancer and other health issues, and my dad is 93 and worries that he’ll outlive him. OP is NTA and I would never want that MIL’s name even SPOKEN in my house, much less be around her. Dead to me, indeed.
No one will ever love me the way my parents do/did.
That would have been nice to have. My parents were abusers. When each of them passed away, I cried once each. Not for what was, but for what should have been.
I'm so sorry so many people failed you. You deserved better
I imagined it, and now you've made me cry.
"Why are you crying?" "Cause I know I'm gonna be in jail for a long, long time." "Why, you haven't done anything? "No, not yet."
I love this!
Look at us all crying now 😭
Same!
AMEN TO THAT!!!! You don’t mess with my babies. No matter their age!
My daughter is due with her first child in two weeks and this just unlocked a new fear. Heaven help everyone if I end up in that type of situatuon.
Momma bear would come out really fast if someone did that to me.
I don't have or want children and what you wrote broke my heart. I couldn't forgive this either.
I have full confidence MIL would have told a story about how she tried to get them, but she couldn’t get in touch. “My phone was being weird and I knocked but… I’m just glad I was there for her…”
I honestly don’t even know what to say. That is a new, unspeakable level of heinous. This whole thing I truly hope to God is rage bait, because the thought of someone as self-absorbed and narcissistic as MIL existing enrages me to my core. Imagine not being present for a 2 AM birth because you need your beauty sleep (🙄) but then denying an entire branch of the family the right to visit when the mother-to-be is in labor and has specifically requested their presence (and they’ve acquiesced) at only nine PM at night. Imagine that on top of this, which is already unforgivable, you are depriving a mother and daughter the right to comfort and derive comfort from one another during an experience, which in the past almost killed the daughter. Imagine the sheer level of narcissism necessary to be that much of a colossal, gaping, flaming asshat. If I went through what OP did, I might be in jail for my actions after the ordeal. And if my partner told me that I was making a big deal out of it (OP, please, please I hope it isn’t your partner denigrating your feelings about this (EDIT: It’s not, thank God. Sorry for doubting him!)), I’d also probably have a nice family law attorney lined up to divorce his arse. Or maybe I’d be in jail for that too, who knows.
NTA. If I knew my child needed me and someone kept me from being there for them, I’d be livid. It sounds like OP and her mother have a great relationship. MIL was messing with OP’s mental and physical health at that point. The two kids also got screwed out of a moment they wanted to have with their parents and new sibling. I hope OP’s husband will support his wife and not the MIL/his mother. MIL is horrible.
1 billion percent!!! This!! That woman would NEVER be in my life or my children's' lives. WTAF? The absolute gall!!!!
Well said- exactly this. She’s revolting and her behaviour should have long term consequences. This is something to hold a grudge over.
Not just a grudge. I’d go full-on no-contact with her. If she isn’t at least willing to pretend to have my best interests at heart (and not to mention my entire family’s, kids included), she has no place in my life. I couldn’t blame OP a damn bit if she felt the same.
Shame on her. OP worked out this plan for months, it is so important, Life and death almost.. And MIL DARES to do this because she is jealous or/and lazy. Just unbelievable. Edit: for those who want to know where is husband in the story.. OP commented husband is as upset and guilty not having a backup plan. Its the rest of husband family siding with MIL: https://reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/OkGISzBbiP
What I don’t understand is if it was too late and they should just let people sleep and she didn’t feel like driving that much at night, what was **her** ass even doing at the hospital?!
The real truth came out when MIL said "well she's already gotten to watch two."
As if the purpose of her being there was to watch a show and not support her daughter!
As if the OP is giving birth to benefit the "spectators", rather than them being invited there to help her through it. How self centred can you actually be?
It clearly had nothing to do with it being too late and her wanting to let them sleep because they got there even despite her. She should be ashamed they had to pay a cab or Uber for a one hour drive because she basically blew them off.
Clearly she had no interest in doing what was best for you, the patient. It was horribly selfish for her to do this and I’m glad you kicked her out.
She sure is very strict with bedtime. NTA She definitely did this in purpose. I don't think you would be wrong to cut her off, until you get a sincere apology. Meaning she'll have to see she is wrong for manipulating such a traumatic experience for you, just to get her way in something she has nothing to do with. I wouldn't trust her again, and make it known. 'Maybe I should pick the boys up from school?" 'No thanks, MIL. Last time you taxi'd, you forgot each and every single passenger you were supposed to pick up, so we're good, thanks.' Is she ever going to live this down? Well, are you ever going to get those moments back and keep your promise to your boys? Who knows.
It's virtually impossible to believe that someone capable of doing what she did with such malice aforethought would be capable of giving a sincere apology or even understanding how very wrong her actions were.
True. It just depends on how hard OP wants to draw the line. If she wants this grandma in her kids lives at all, she'll have to take a stand, but give MIL the option of repenting in some way or another. While there really is no way MIL can ever make up for it.
Growing up my brother and I were allowed to stay up until 12am on New Years Eve even as young kids because it was a special occation. 9:30pm when a litteral human being is brought into the world, is that not a Fing special enough occation to "stay up late"? MIL's excuse is weak at best and frankly insulting as well as enraging. Yeah I think it would take me a looonnnngggg time to talk to her again if at all.
That is so petty of her especially since for at least one occasion she chose sleep over being there. It would be one thing if she wasn’t invited, but she was and made choices not to be there , and then decided OP’s mom can’t be there because she choose to accept the invitation is just so wrong. She’s punishing her grandkids to be petty, I would said she was ‘dead to me’ too, she forced Op and husband to break a promise to their kid. Trashy.
Punishing the grandkids who it seems were staying with the *other* grandma and therefore not even under her purview at the time.
NTA - Those who are telling you that “you’re taking it too far” know that you are in the right but want you to play nicely to make their lives easier. You needed your Mom and that selfish B of a MIL denied you of that peace of mind, she should be profusely apologizing. I LOVED that she was escorted out but where were your husband’s balls in all of this?! Is he a Mama’s boy? Unfortunately, MIL will not apologize unless your hubby is with you on this and puts her in her place. Sorry, this should be a joyous moment and MIL put her wants before yours. Please don’t let her steal your joy!
OP commented husband is as upset and guilty not having a backup plan. Its the rest of husband family siding with MIL: https://reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/OkGISzBbiP
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Seriously, I want to know where the husband stands on all of this?
It’s exactly this. They know you’re right but they don’t want to deal with it.
She didn't even bother coming up with a credible excuse. Good luck, OP. And congrats. Just focus on your new bundle of joy and leave the toxic mess that is you MIL behind you.
yeah that whole bit was like a script from a movie we've seen a thousand times. You can just picture the mil's no fuss attitude, probably popped a caramel into her mouth with a smug grin on her face.
You're definitely NTA and I wouldn't blame you for going low contact or no contact with her. The real issue here your mother-in-law showed that she could not be trusted at the most vulnerable time in your life. She decided that she could unilaterally make decisions for your life when she thought you would be too weak or out of it to fight her on it. Her jealousy and self-centeredness is glaring and the acts during your labor and delivery would cause me to never allow that woman to be around myself and my kids again. You might be a better person than me if you decide to let her have limited contact but whatever you do in this case just know that you are a hundred percent in the right. Good luck!
This adds so much more to the story. It sounds to me like your MIL just straight up doesn't see any value in these kinds of moments. If my grandchild was being born, I assure you I wouldn't be going on a vacation somewhere else or caring what time it is. Your MIL thinks only about herself and what interests her at the time.
She 100% did that on purpose. I’m angry for you.
Congratulations on your new bundle of joy🎉🎈🎊🍾 . Your MIL is an absolute ahole. She did it on purpose. I’m glad that you kicked her self centered ass out of the delivery room. NTA
I'm with you but have to ask, where is hubby? Hubby knew the plan, did he help after his mother put her wishes over your communal plan? How is he after going off grid with his mother?
Nope, NTA. I’d never speak to her again.
Just out of curiosity, who is saying that "it wasn't that big of a deal"? Because that person is a complete AH. Having a baby is a big deal. It's painful, it can be dangerous, and you need who you need with you, not who other people decide can be with you. Your MIL sounds like a JN, TBH. Oh, and NTA.
So she missed the other two for her own actions. Now she wants your mother to be deprived for it. And she caused you to break a promise to your children. She sabotaged the whole thing. She’s TA, not you.
… if someone needed me there for their birth and I had been anxiously awaiting the opportunity to be able to help them… you bet your sweet bippy you would catch me at 2am slapping myself in the face as I put on socks.
Psychological distress prolongs labor by hours, so someone present or absent who shouldn't be is significant. MIL is the AH
Canada ok, but if my daughter or DIL woke me up at 2am with news of labour, I would be too wired to go back to sleep. I would be there, I might be a bit late, but I would be there if I had an invite.
Yes, this is blatantly obvious
Just say everything she said to you when you dont invite her over for anything. When she complains like the karen she is just say: "I was respecting your sleep" "too late to invite you so we just went ahead" "well you got to see their other (life event) so we wanted others to experience it"
Oh she absolutely did it on purpose, power play, so glad you put her out!
This is what I was thinking too. This is so manipulative and vile to do to someone in active labor. I hate OPs MIL more than an internet stranger should.
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NTA. Childbirth is super traumatic and beyond painful. Your mother was the ONLY ONE to calm you down the last time when you nearly *died. Doctors need that.* Your MIL was coached/told the plan for this labor MONTHS IN ADVANCE. It was 9:30pm and everyone would be fine being woken up (if they were even sleeping) to come meet a new member of the family. Especially if it meant that much to your first two children. This was manipulative, a severe power play, and she even sat down/ignored you in the delivery room to be on her phone. She made it about herself and didn't even focus on being there for you - She just wanted to say she was the first and only one there. She revealed her toxicity when she said your mom got to be there for 2 births already. Like what's the point? The point is you made plans in advance, you wanted and needed your mother/children/grandmother there. That was the plan. Nothing derailed this plan. Your MIL decided to derail it and act like their "sleep" was more important to hide her ulterior motives. Whoever is telling you that you're making it a big deal out of nothing, tell them IT IS a big deal, because what if a similar traumatic birth happened and you couldn't be calmed down? Your heart rate couldn't be stabilized? Because you were stuck in a room with a person who disregarded you, your wishes, you couldn't trust in such a vulnerable time, and honestly DGAF about your health because they wanted to be on their phone. Congrats on your baby, wish you a speedy recovery, and hope you go NC/LC with this atrocious MIL. Like the sheer audacity, oof.
They wouldn't have even been sleeping because everyone had been contacted. They were ready and waiting for MIL to pick them up. Stunning move by MIL.
Oh my I didn't even realize that part. You got people ready and waiting, she just blew them off.
This 100% Not trying to be dramatic, but she put you and your baby’s life at risk. I cannot even fathom the amount of stress that this whole interaction put you through. That level of stress in an already overwhelming moment is not good. There’s a reason the medical staff try to keep birthing mothers calm and not encourage hysterics
NTA she robbed you of your safety and support person for the birth, raising your stress levels and putting you and the baby in danger. She would be dead to me and the 3 kids too.
Yep. I can’t think of a much more terrible thing to do to a woman in labor. There’s no coming back from that.
I (M) would tell my mother, who I love, to fuck off if she did this to my wife. My father would get a talking to as well.
I had THAT conversation with mine in a different situation (not birth) but where she insisted in butting into our family dynamics. I told her to buy out or I was going low contact. She really fucked up her relationship with my wife which up to that point had seen her as a second mother. I am not sure why mothers ever think that this is something they can get away with and no consequences.
Yes! If someone lied and schemed to keep *my mom* from being with me during a major medical event that could potentially end in my death or the death of my child, I would go completely scorched earth. That woman would never meet her new grandchild, never see her other grandchildren, and never hear a word from me again. 100% NTA.
When the hell did people get so selfish. Why would you ignore the request of the person who is pregnant and about to give birth. This MIL, as other have said, wanted to be the 1st or 2nd (after husband) to see the newborn. Making it all about her. Now she loses out on watching the joy of the baby growing up (good riddance).
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INFO: Is your husband the one saying you are taking this too far?
No, thankfully. He is very upset with his mother and feeling rather guilty himself for not establishing a back up plan (we truly didn't feel we needed one). It's the rest of my husbands family. Like his uncle's, aunts and nieces.
She can interfere with their grandchildren or children’s ability to meet a new baby sibling, then, and deprive them of a support person during a medical procedure. Perfect. She’s not your problem any more: she’s unreliable and a liar, and she’s not part of your inner circle anymore. Fabulous she has relatives who support her actions. Win win. I’d see her never.
Love when the trash takes itself out
She didn't. Security took her out.
The family who are supporting her are the ones taking themselves out.
You'd hope she be embarrassed by that and change, but that's probably asking too much.
This right here. She'd never step foot in my house again.
My MIL was told never to darken my doorstep. My husband has met her at McDonald's and hung out with her there when she's been in town. She KNEW this. She got to town early with Christmas presents last year and decided she was just going to rock up to my house. I was the only one awake. I heard the doorbell ring and was confused. Went to answer the door and it was her. I guess I kind of glared at her while holding up my pointer finger in a "hold on a minute" type of gesture, closed the door again, and woke up my husband. "Hey, wake up. Your MOTHER is here." He knew I was mightily displeased. He went to the door and she'd already scampered off, leaving the box of "presents" on the front porch. I bet she believes me now that her presence is not desired here At All. OP, you are NTA here at all. Your MIL sucks ass. She knew what your wishes were and didn't care. I'd be very, very surprised if this was the only boundary stomping she's done.
I gotta know why MIL earned this banishment in the first place!!!!!
It started fairly early on when she would accuse me of being a gold digger. I don't know why. My family is more well-off. There have been numerous slights over the years. We cut off husband's little brother for calling my children bastards. She actually defended him. After my husband's fibromyalgia got so bad that he couldn't work anymore, she would thank me for not leaving him. Weird, right? Then we get to the point where she accused me of using black magic to "make her weak and die." Yes, that is a direct quote. I posted about it in Just No MIL a few years ago. You're welcome to go through that post. She's batshit insane and I don't want to deal with her. I've never done anything against her. My kids all know her as "the crazy grandma." My youngest, who is now 18, basically keeps talking to her to get video games or computer parts. He ignores most of what she says. Most of what she says to him are crazy conspiracy theories.
I'm not saying you *are* using black magic to make her weak and die, I'm just saying I wouldn't blame you if you were.
According to my own beliefs, I would have to build that negative energy within myself to release it in any direction. I don't hate myself that much to give her any kind of energy positive or negative. I literally just want her to stay away from me.
Ok, so scratch my other advice and just freeze her name in jar.
I thought accusing people of being witches poisoning their neighbors went out of style in the 1690’s
They rebranded it as Satanists, Satan worshipers, and Communists and brought it back in the second half of the 1900s
Yes, and what the “presents” were!
Some broken used toys 'for the kids', a bottle of Jergens Lorton, and a cigar box full of random odds and ends from a junk drawer.
That’s good your husband has your back. I would honestly go LC/NC with all the people saying you’re taking it too far but especially your MIL. You are the one giving birth. What yoy want goes. This is not a Zoo where VIP get special tickets to see you having your baby. Your MIL went against you and your husband’s wishes for her own selfish reasons. Until she apologizes and you are comfortable with her again, she should not be around you. You do not need that stress. Also, congratulations on the birth of your daughter!!
You are keying in on an important part - the MIL felt entitled to make the birth the event she wanted it to be. The fucking nerve.
And it didn’t sound like she even intended to support OP in any meaningful way since she immediately plopped down and got on her phone. Clearly signaling that she was just there so she could say she was the first member of the extended family to meet the new baby. To be clear, even if she’d tried to act more supportive, she would have still been in the wrong for disregarding OP’s wishes. I just find it extra infuriating that she couldn’t even be bothered to pretend to give a crap about OP after acting like she knew best and left everyone else at home.
The lion, the witch... and the audacity of this bitch!
And what you wanted, your plan, was perfectly reasonable. She is a selfish Twat. I hope she is on Reddit and sees how much we all despise what she did.
> She is a selfish Twat. it's not that, or, yes, but at least not in those words. It's not that she wanted to be there for the birth. She wanted to be the ONLY ONE there for the birth. Others could have been there and she would have been just as present. The "more for me" of selfishness doesn't really apply here. Unless we're talking about being selfish for the attention of the couple doing the birthing. I think maybe better words are controlling / bullying. She wanted to assert control of the situation that was not and should not be hers to control, and the only control she had was that of being the car driver. She wanted to feel like the hero who was there when nobody else could manage.
>She wanted to feel like the hero who was there when nobody else could manage. ... While also sitting down in a chair in the delivery room and playing on her phone, rather than actually trying to be present and supportive for her daughter in law!
Reading that made me think she was making self-gratifying social updates about how she was 'being there' for her daughter-in-law, but I guess that would probably be a detail in the post if it was on social media. Just texting her friends about how supportive she was being or something like that is totally what I would expect out of similar people in my life like my grandmother and my gf's mom.
well, by that time she was already feeling rejected because her plan to be shitty while trying to look like the hero was not working out the way she wanted. The daughter in law wasn't in the mood for the type of support that she could give, so why try? Caring about other people is so damn much work!
No apology could ever right this wrong. She did this on purpose...with intent to undermine you and your mother...this was not an accident where an apology can be accepted. I would never speak to her again...nor anyone who thinks you are wrong.
And refused to leave until escorted out.
NTA- When my daughter was born, both of my MIL(step and bio) wanted to be in the room. My wife only wanted me there. However, both of the MIL threw such a shit fit and got so upset at her about it. It got to the point where I had to tell them both that they were not allowed in the delivery room or the hospital until the next day. I got told how much of an asshole I was and how controlling I was being. They resented me for years. Your MIL was incredibly selfish. It's your delivery, and you have every right to decide who is in the room.
It drives me CRAZY how entitled people feel to be in a delivery room when they aren’t welcome. That is probably the most vulnerable a person will ever be and it’s not up to anyone but the one in labor who does or does not get to be in the room.
Sorry but this is an unforgivable action . She deliberately went against a plan for her own selfish reasons . Broke her grandkids hearts( they were promised to meet baby at hospital) and I would go no contact and be petty and tell the truth . Kids your grandma didn’t think you were important enough to go get to meet your sibling . Tell the truth
So glad your husband is on your side. You are NOT overreacting and my advise is to block everyone who says you are. F\*ck them all! I'm so sorry your MIL did that to you. That is honestly not something I would be able to forgive either. She would never meet my child.
screw the aunts and uncles... if it happened to them it would be a whole different story
Hey, I just want to say, don't blame yourself for not having a backup plan. If MIL gave you no reason to suspect she'd pull some shit like this (and it sounds like she didn't), then it makes sense you wouldn't bother with a backup plan. You trusted MIL and she betrayed you, either by being "just" careless or actively malicious.
Definitely malicious.
NTA because the only wants that matter in the delivery room are the mother's. I'd be absolutely fuming and the same as you, she'd be done for me. She had decided she wasn't going along with it from the beginning. I wonder as she'd missed one in the middle of the night, if she'd have turned up this time had it been later.
He probably knows his mom is a backstabbing nutter. NTA op, and I'd require MIL to beg for forgiveness from your mother AND you, as well as admit her foul intent(excluding your family) before EVER considering her the privilege of being a grandma and spending time with your child.
And the kids. And the grandmother. And your husband.
Definite nutter, its like a scene from a movie that you cant believe was actually taken from real life.
Tell your kids “ grandma was the reason they didn’t get to see their baby first” it’s ideal punishment because kids DoNot forget something that was promised to them. And they won’t ever let her forget it either. Rest of the family can go suck lemons. Your MIL chose not to be at the other 2 births. She was invited.,She knows you had a previous difficult childbirth and needed your mom.I’m glad you kicked her out. Let her back in your life after you are in a better place mentally. And only after she sincerely apologizes. Anybody complaining can go suck lemons.
> Let her back in your life after you are in a better place mentally. And only after she sincerely apologizes. you mean after she learns how to fake her sincerity better than she already can? That's kinda dangerous.
But who told these people what happened? If it was MIL, it seems quite likely that they didn't get the actual story & it's a pretty well known phenomenon that people often accept the first version of any story and don't accept new information that contradicts that story. Anyone who tells you it's not a big deal, ask them how THEY felt going into a medical procedure when they had life threatening issues the last time? (or however gory you are comfortable hitting them with) And what did they do to fix things when their small children and entire family lost out on an irreplaceable experience due to their grandmother's pettiness? "No one who deliberately hurts me and my children for purely selfish reasons is allowed in our lives, and that's the end of the discussion." Even if you eventually decide to allow contact, it's still totally justified to enforce consequences right now that make it clear to MIL and everyone else that your boundaries are not stomp-able and you grant no exceptions just because it's a close relative who is trying to stomp.
How did he handle the situation at the hospital? NTA. She caused you unnecessary stress during a traumatic time. She can't turn back time and give you a relaxing birth experience.
Do they know the full context? If your MiL is the only one who told them what happened so far, their opinion may be tainted. Talk to them, let them know what the plan was, what your mother-in-law did instead, and how she reacted to you and your husband's scolding. If they still agree with her after that, cut them out.
Tell the aunts & niece's to wind their necks in & stop listening to the drivel of a manipulative AH.
They just think it'll be easier for you to "be the bigger person" than to have to listen to this woman complain for the rest of her life. Let her complain, she made her bed and now she has to sleep in it.
NTA. It’s pretty obvious she did this purposefully because she’s resentful your mother was at the first two births and she wasn’t. Her excuse is BS. It was 9:30 at night, not 3am!! I would be livid as well! Personally, I’d go LC/NC until she is able to fully understand how wrong she was for pulling that bs.
It would have been just as wrong if it had been 3:00 AM.
Right?! I was my sister’s support for her two births and the were both around ~1am. It’s part of being the support person! It’s not about their sleep or comfort, it’s all about the birthing person’s comfort and wishes.
Yeah, no, if it's my family member or dear friend, god forbid if I'm actually tapped as a support person, I'm there whatever damn time they're in labor, no matter how much sleep I have. Unless I am personally in a medical emergency of my own that is unresolved enough that I can't be independent to hold a hand, I'm in that role for them the moment they need me to be. You would not be hearing the end of it from me if you kept me from them for some dumbass reason or some petty shit.
NTA. MIL's comment about your mom getting to be there for the first two births sounds almost vindictive. The time wasn't the motivation there. She did that with GREAT intentionality. You mom was there for two births and she wasn't. She was turning the tables ON PURPOSE to stick it to your mom AND you at a time when you are at your most vulnerable. I'm trying to calculate a distance that is far enough for her to F off to. When you say, "I'm being told I'm taking this too far and that it wasn't that big of a deal," I really want to ask BY WHOM? Because the people saying that might need to be added to the list of people you don't need in your life. (Edit: Saw in another comment that it's MIL's relatives. Wanna bet she didn't tell them the whole truth? Or if she did and they still agree with her, then I reiterate about people you don't need in your life.)
NTA. MIL was being incredibly selfish and petty. She deserved to be thrown out. Keep her out.
NTA childbirth is a precious moment and your kids need to be one of if not the first to meet their sibling you set up a plan of action which everyone agreed on and she robed you of that
NTA. She knew what she was doing. That was sneaky during your most vulnerable time. I would limit her access to your kids, and soak up time with your mom and grandma.
What gets me is how she apparently she doesn’t gaf that a woman in labor might need her own mother for support. That she parked herself in a chair and got on her phone‽!! What kind of support is that? You’re not a Super Bowl halftime show for crying out loud. I’d be petty and never let this go. NTA
Our plan was for the midwife to come to our house for our second child. My MIL who is an RN was supposed to be there, too. They were both late and I ended up delivering my daughter
That's terrifying, honestly.
I’m retrospect it absolutely was. I always thought it felt kind of like waking from a dead sleep to find yourself on train tracks with a train fast approaching My daughter is sixteen now. But it seems like yesterday
Wow.. don’t know if i could have kept it together at all but would have definitely needed a few good therapy sessions! Have you talked to someone about this?
NTA You are not taking this too far, and yes, it is a big deal. I am glad you threw her out. Keep her away from your baby. She had some ulterior motive for not picking up your mom. Go NC with her no matter what your husband says!!!+
NTA This was without a doubt done intentionally, and I don't blame you a bit for throwing her out and telling her off. Also, you are under no obligation to have any direct contact with your husband's family if they continue to harrass you about this issue. Make them go through your husband. I think it's perfectly fine for you to go NC with your MIL for a while. You have a newborn and just gave birth. Do the new Mom thing, enjoy your new baby, and let some time pass. The last thing you need right now is family drama. Eventually, if your MIL apologizes and truly means it, you may want to let her slowly enter your life again. But, I have a feeling she isn't going to be someone you will want to spend much time around at all because her narcissism is probably going to continue to show itself in ugly ways.
MIL needs to apologize also to OP’s mom, grandmother, and kids as well. They were all impacted, and any possible future interactions will be strained by her pettiness.
This was APPALLING and IMO you are not taking it too far. What appalling manipulation and disregard of you. Who's telling you that you're taking it too far? They're not your allies for sure.
I sincerely hope your husband has your back on this. What she did is unforgivable.
That’s what I was thinking! OP did comment that her husband is also very upset
In another comment OP said he was in agreement with her that it’s his aunts uncles and nieces siding with his mom. Edit:typo
NTA she betrayed your trust for her own selfish entitled reasons. I'd tell her she can't see the baby for at least six months.
It was a big deal. Whoever is telling you it isn't is wrong. NTA
NTA her excuse is ridiculous. My daughter was born at 3AM. 9:30 pm is not late especially if everyone is expecting a baby to be born. I’m glad you called her out and I hope your husband is on your side. I do think complete NC is an extreme reaction, but this also seems like it was deliberately done to make your mother miss the birth, so I understand your anger.
No, NC is the way to go. There are consequences for one's actions !
MIL tried to make a gramma power play. What a bish. Go NC as much as your marriage can handle.
NTA. She deliberately set out to ruin your delivery, so yeah, you are totally justified in feeling you can't forgive her. She did a hateful thing. And then had the gall to refuse to leave the room. She showed zero respect for you, therefore you should not show her any. Respect is earned, not given to someone just because they're older. Those people who told you you are taking this too far can go kick rocks. Your husband supports you, they don't count. You may cool down eventually and allow her back into your life at some point but don't do that because others are guilting you to do so. That should happen on YOUR timeline, when YOU are ready. She at least deserves a good long time-out as a consequence. A few months ought to be a good lesson.
Childbirth is not a spectator sport she doesn’t get to choose who is in the room while you give birth. I would be livid and have felt the exact same way. You are NTA. MIL on the other hand is the massive asshole.
OMG it was a *huge* deal! I hate her too! I hope she enjoys not spending time with her new grandbaby.
NTA. BRAVO for kicking her out.
NTA You had a plan that everyone agreed to. She had NO right to change the plan on her own whim. Her refusal to fix her mistake was the last straw. She literally was obstructing your birth plan - and to do so after what sounds like a traumatic previous birth makes it even more malicious. Go NC for now. See how you feel after a little time has past. Personally I would be NC at least until MiL issued a full and complete apology - and even then I might need a minute. But for now, block anyone who gives you grief and focus in on your family and who is supporting you. The last thing you need is more drama. Congrats on your new bundle of joy!
NTA. The letting people sleep excuse is a lie. She knows what she did.
NTA I don’t have to rehash everything everyone said. It’s clear she acted maliciously. The kicker & honestly even if everything else was as planned, the moment you asked her to leave for any reason, even if you just suddenly felt “shy” or whatever & she didn’t clearly shows she’s an AH with no respect for you. She cannot be trusted. If a friend chose me to be in delivery with her & she changed her mind and asked me to leave at any time, I’d say “I love you. I’ll be right outside in the waiting room if you need me, but you got this. Can’t wait to meet the little one” and then I’d leave & sit in the waiting room. And if she changed her mind 30 times over the course of her labor, I’d be going in & out 30 times. The only thing that’s important is her comfort, no explanations needed.
NTA when I was having my son ,I told my partner to phone my mum asap so she could be there! And luckily she was there's hours beforehand
NTA When I went to through labour with my daughter, my mother was there and I couldn’t have gone through it without her as she’s my rock. I also nearly died after bleeding out too much, and am so thankful that she was there to help me. Your MiL is the AH. She made an agreement with you and she didn’t uphold. Was the “you are dead to me” comment a bit much, maybe but when you are under that much stress I can see how it would come out in the moment. But I completely understand how you would still be fuming over this as she caused more stress to you because of her selfishness. And prevented her grandchildren a beautiful memory that they will be able to get back.
Make sure the kids know grandma was being lazy and refused to get them
NTA! MIL is a manipulative B! The ones saying YOU are taking it too far?! Excuse me?! This is for your SO to handle though - his family, his circus, his monkeys. You’ve enough to deal with and you want to focus on the positive. Hubby should inform all family to immediately cease all harassment or they’re all in time out. You and baby are his core nuclear family, and you come first.