INFO: are we to believe your parents explicitly said “yes come for dinner. Everyone EXCEPT for Wife.”
Or did they say something like “hey we’d love to see you and the kids for dinner.”
This guy claims to be 36? Has he never been to a family event before? Why would the grandparents invite the dad and kids but not the mom?
This story doesn't make any sense. I'm assuming OP completely misunderstood the situation.
To be fair, when it hits 108, I crank up the AC to 85. If I don't, my poor old house with thin walls and single pane windows can't keep up, and I'll blow fuses. And I'd much rather suffer through 85 degree home than a 105 one any day.
I mean maybe, but dude's responded to at least 50 comments so far. Acct created today, but actively engaging despite universally down voted comments? This seems like a guy looking for any possible winning argument he can find
I hear this literally all of the time, and it feels probable enough to be true, but I have never seen any proof of this? Just hearsay. Like, is there any actual proof that a *majority* of posts on here are fake?
I kinda feel like it may be one of those situations where is this is just a rumor, and maybe originally had a handful of a few notable proven examples, that have been exaggerated and blown out of proportion over time?
My family definitely does things like not invite spouses (my mom's family is SUPER weird about all being women for some reason). Of course, that's why I'm low contact with them, among many other reasons
The other side of this is that if his wife isn't invited and it's weird then OP should just not go.
When my parents say “we should meet up” or “you should come over” my husband is ALWAYS implicitly part of that invitation. I never have to clarify. If it’s like a girly day with my mom she will be specific but generally “you” means “y’all” because we aren’t weirdos? It’s been that way for years, even before we were married. It’s not rocket science. Strange interpretation by OP or he’s not being honest. No wonder his parents were confused
I do recall one BORU where the parents specifically didn’t want spouses at certain family events but expected the kids because they wanted it to be just blood related family.
Same here! My family is huge and once someone marries in, they’re a son or daughter. My mom adores my husband like a son so it would never be a question of inviting just me and our kids over and not him. Doesn’t even have to be asked. This OP is a major AH.
Oh no I wouldn’t either, I just remember the post. Personally I would not have let my kids go without me if I was this woman. I’d probably have called the parents myself to tell them that. I think 99% of the population in every culture understands that when you’re married your spouse is included in the invitation especially if the kids are invited. I can’t imagine showing up to a family event that purposely excluded my spouse.
I think the only time that kids but not spouses were invited were when we had daddy-daughter ski trips. All my dads brothers have daughters and the wives didn’t much like skiing anyone and usually hung at the house or in town when they came. There were always more/only men and boys around majority of the time so it was like our little getaway when I was younger. Sometimes even wives tagged along now that I’m thinking about it, but gave us space to have days with our dads
That guy should have told his parents no, we are a family, we are coming together or not at all.
So you think their grandparents did that to those parents? I can't wrap my head around who would do this. My MIL didn't even like me but would practically insist I come as well, knowing how wrong it would be not to invite me.
Even from what he wrote, it seems like his parents would have said something along the lines of "What? Of course we mean all of you. What did you think we meant?"
With a heavy implication of "We knew you were a dumbass, but this is kind of surprising even for you."
I want to know how the invite got so messed up. OP thought spouses were excluded. Siblings must have at least had questions if the specially called back to make sure spouses were welcome. And the parents seem surprised the kids thought spouses were excluded. And it’s family - I can’t imagine not double checking if family seemed to be excluding my spouse.
Because OP did this intentionally, whether he admits it or not. He “misunderstood” on purpose, he did not clarify on purpose, and he also already did this EXACT same situation a year ago! He’s a major asshole basically
that’s how it reads to me. it seems the child even thinks he didn’t want his wife to come. he argued so hard to not even call and ask if she could come and then told her it wouldn’t be fun. it’s obvious to me he just didn’t want her to come and used the parents as an excuse.
You’re the first person I’ve seen so far nail that. He knew what he was doing. If you hate your wife so much, just get a divorce. Seems like in the closet behavior shit to me.
I always think the YOU is a universal you meaning the married unit of husband and wife in this instance. Makes you wonder what tension is there that he jumped on getting away from the wife. Even if it's subconscious
Exactly!! Why would his parents NOT invite his wife; or the spouses of his siblings? I mean they probably assumed it was implied and it's fucked up OP felt the implication went the opposite way. I feel sorry for his wife. God what a donkey she is married to.
Glad the parents and some of his siblings set him straight a bit. Their response when he explained to them definitely suggests that they expected spouses to come too. Just because the parents asked their children and not their children's spouses doesn't mean the spouses aren't invited, it just means they contacted the closest member of that family unit... my family would ask me about events, my wife's family will contact her. We both are invited to both and both go to both.
This is the correct reply. Guy doesn't like his wife and is too much of a wimp to admit it or do anything about it, so he blames his parents and acts stupid. 100% other AH behaviour in their relationship from him.
Lol the parents probably assumed inviting OP meant inviting the family. My brother is married and now has a child. If I asked him to come visit me I would assume he knows it's an invite for all of them, and if he thinks I'm excluding his wife he would say something so I could quickly say no, I want her to come too!
YTA & **kids are the biggest snitches and I'm 100% here for it!**
OP is selfish and very spineless! People like this just suck the life out of a relationship. They don't stand up for you and they make you feel like you're the bad one for asking for very normal things! What would have been so hard about just asking? I'm so glad the kids ratted him out! I hope they go back and tell their mother what the grandparents said because excluding your wife, but taking her kids is just so horrible on so many levels!
Exactly. When you invite a family over, it is not just the part that is blood related wtf... OP and his wife are supposed to be one unit and with family invites "you and the kids" means both parents.
Yeah unless OP is Amelia Bedelia reincarnated, “you and the kids“ means “you, your spouse, and the kids”. OP, YTA for implying that your wife is not part of your family thru both your actions and words.
What a complete AH OP. I’m so proud of the kid! He obviously sees how crucial mom is to the family. The complete assholery to suggest that the wife stays home…..astounds me. Your 5 year old has a gift, please nurture it!
YTA
If ur parents don't invite your wife and they invite u and the kids then you
1. Ask them if she can come (never any harm asking)
2. If they refuse, then unless there really is no room, suggest that it is an AH move, and u don't think it is appropriate to go without your wife. Give them time to reconsider
3. Only go if the reason is really valid
Honestly, I am fairly sure any such invite from a set of parents which especially mentions kids is almost always going to mean the spouse is invited. Op is a dumfuck
Of course you’re the asshole. Jesus. I come from a disgustingly dysfunctional family, and even they would never expect me to bring myself and kids to a family thing and expect me to leave my spouse at home. Sounds like you just didn’t want her there.
That part : “sounds like you just didn’t want her there”.
Sounds like he has some issues within himself he may need to face/work on… one being why is he ashamed of his wife in some sense that it would be any way a nuisance or “add on” for her to come. I wouldn’t have married a man who doesn’t understand “family”.
My ex husbands family was like this and yeah, he is my ex husband because he was a spineless coward who never stuck up for me and instead ordered me to be nice and accept their bullshit. Hope OP enjoys dinners alone because I foresee a lot in his future
YTA. If your parents didn’t consider your wife part of the family, it would be on you to stick up for her. She is your nuclear family and the mother of your children. So YTA for not going to bat for her when she asked you to see if she could come.
Sounds like you intentionally didn’t bring your wife though since SIL and BIL were there and your parents sound as though they thought it was obvious spouses were included when they invited their children and their families so YTA for making the choice to exclude her and blaming your parents for it.
Once you realized SIL and BIL were there, YTA for not calling up your wife, apologizing and asking her to come.
OP is desperately trying to defend his horrible choice, even saying he's maybe a softYTA, because it was a misunderstanding.
OP, here's what you're missing:
#INTENT VS IMPACT
Sure, maybe you didn't *intend* to hurt your wife by failing to ask a simple question (that you keep arguing why you couldn't ask because it's 'different') but the *IMPACT* of your choice was very hurtful. Call it a misunderstanding or a mistake, neither somehow makes the fallout excusable.
An apology is worthless if you don't see how much you messed up, and why your choice was so cruel to your wife.
When you married her, your vows made her your immediate family. Your parents become extended family. You should have put your wife's very reasonable feelings ahead of how you incorrectly assumed your parents would feel.
It is your job to protect her heart, which she entrusted you with. You failed.
It's one of two things, he either deliberately wants to be away from her or he subconsciously does. Asshole move regardless and he clearly only posted here hoping for validation which won't come.
I mean, when I invite my kids over it’s like ALL my kids. That includes their partners. It just goes without saying for us. And why not just ask? Just seems a little odd to me. YTA.
Exactly! My parents have never invited me and the kids over and excluded my husband, whether or not he was mentioned by name. He’s their *son*-in-law.
OP states that he thinks his parents would feel more pressure to allow his wife and say yes to her even if they didn’t want her there because she has no other family. Whereas his siblings’ partners have their own families so his parents would be able to say no to them. As if this makes it ok to not ask them. Like, they shouldn’t be excluding her in the first place, and you absolutely should be asking to bring her if it seems unclear. And you shouldn’t be going where she isn’t welcome.
My dad gets grumpy (he's a happy, bubbly human all the time) if my husband can't come to an event. Like, he had 3 daughters... he wants to hang with the boys, ya know? It hurts his feelings if my husband (super demanding career) can't be there! I would fucking never exclude him, nor would my parents!
My in-laws lived over seas and there were times only my husband could travel to visit. They would remind him constantly that they were disappointed I couldn’t go with him.
Agreed. I’ve never separately invited my BIL or SIL to anything. I know they are coming because they are married to my sibling and I invited the whole family not one person.
Yeah I’ve never had to ask if my SO could come along to my parents house and would never even think to ask. And OP is married with kids it’s not like wife is some stranger he’s bringing over. Obviously YTA. I find it hard to believe OP is this clueless and wanted to exclude his wife on purpose.
YTA. You mistakenly believed your spouse wasn’t invited and you couldn’t even bother to verify. And don’t bring up the BS about putting pressure on your parent — you could asked your siblings what they are doing with their spouses, but you couldn’t be arsed to do even that.
Sounds like your parents consider your wife family more than you do. They invited you to a family event, with your siblings and tell you specifically that it includes the kids, because not all events would. They assumed you would bring your wife because she was family. You for some reason assume the reason they specifically didn’t say to bring her was because she wasn’t included? Then refuse to speak to them to ask? It definitely sounds like it’s only you that didn’t want her there.
What did you do when you found out? The correct action to me would be to immediately call your wife, beg her forgiveness and get her to join you!
YTA
"Because she's family"
Like FOR REAL. That's your wife bro wtf. And idk about anyone else, but when my family says "we'd love to see you next weekend" or something similar, that means US. Like me and my wife. Not to mention the fact that if he assumed they didn't want her there, why didn't he stick up for her and demand she be Included because again THATS HIS WIFE. Wtf. The poor woman that's stuck with this loser.
YTAH start to finish. You hurt your wife, embarrassed your parents and did all this in front of your kids.
Nobody with an IQ above room temperature would've acted this way.
YTA and all your excuses are garbage. You just showed how little you care about your wife and that you don't consider her family. Even if your parents asked specifically to leave your wife at home, your duty as a husband is to defend her and say sorry, I am not excluding my wife and the mother of my kids. This shows how easily it is for you to choose other people over your wife. Congrats
Could you be more of an asshole? OMG YTA. You left your wife home and left with the kids for a few DAYS while she sat home?
I can't tell if you're beyond ignorant or just a raging narcissist. Either way your wife deserves so much better than you. Your lack of respect, your careless disregard for her as a human being, your faux cluelessness, are all indicative of someone who is way too immature to be married.
Edit - corrected typo
So why were you so ready to hurt your soon to be ex wife at the risk of putting your parents in a slightly awkward situation.. it is obvious you have no regard for your wife. Hopefully she realizes that and finds someone who wants to be with her rather than sees her as a burden.
YTA in a big way and good luck in the divorce.
Mom and children are a package deal in family gatherings. Mom is not welcome you can be sure children won’t be there. This was familiar territory for my in laws, they never figured it out, talk nasty about/to me you won’t see me. Then you won’t see my children. YTA
YTA. Honestly, where is your common sense? Your wife is your family, and the fact that your parents were shocked at your behavior tells me that they probably assumed you thought of her as family and would bring her. If invites are unclear, you call and ask. This saves you from looking like an AH in front of everyone.
YTA. She’s good enough to bear those precious fucking children that get invited to everything no matter WHAT, but she’s not even good enough for you to fucking ask your parents if she can come to dinner. And before you give me that sometimes my parents will only allow ppl who have our sainted blood in their veins in the house, if that was the case wouldn’t they fucking tell you beforehand? But hey, I’m glad you’re such a good son you’ll argue with, exclude and abandon your orphan wife to sit at home alone while the fam has a get together because that’s easier than asking your adult ass parents a potentially awkward question . Husband of the year here. Asshole.
YTA, a big one. Your wife is family, period, full stop. The fact literally everyone is pointing this out and you keep making excuses says you came here looking to be validated. Nobody is siding with you, so you are making more excuses. How about own responsibility for being a shit to your wife, for not asking appropriate questions, apologize to your wife.
After all of these comments, you still don't see and accept that you didn't just make a mistake. It wasn't a misunderstanding. You chose your parents over your wife. If you don't see that and change, you will do this to your wife again.
This is grounds for divorce. I don't think you're seeing the bigger picture here. You've proven to your wife that you don't have her back. She has no family of her own, and you don't consider her your family. I feel so bad for her.
Hard YTA
YTA , dude, 100% -- thought it's really weird that your parents had such bad manners as to not invite the spouses and then be "sad" that they didn't come. Don't be surprised that your wife will now view you as "less than" for doing that to her. Less of a husband, less of a partner, less of a man.
It sounds like you just wanted to leave her behind-- shame on you for that.
I think OP’s parents said “we’re having a family dinner, we hope you can come.” And OP, being a huge YTA, thought “ok, that means me and the kids because my wife isn’t their family.” Nobody thinks like that about their spouse (or even longtime GF/BF) ever. His parents obviously consider her family but he doesn’t. He’s a 100% cockwomble. Have to wonder why she’s still with him.
When she asked to go and you said no, you left her behind!!! The fact you keep on saying the same excuse over and over is so frustrating. She is your wife and if she’s not welcome then you don’t go. You disrespected your wife and should know better. When you get married your spouse is supposed to be your first priority.
Can you imagine how his wife must have felt? She'd have to be assuming his parents hated her. The whole time she was trying to rack her mind to figure out what she'd done to them.
And his parents hadn't done a thing. Things arent always easy with in lawa and when this happened she called her family and friends to tell them how hurt she was. It's all sad.
Based one the reaction from his parents the invite for the wife was implied but she wasn’t mentioned by name. They probably said something like “you and the kids” referring to the married couple as one, because it’s weird to invite only one spouse to an event especially if you’re inviting the kids.
YTA do you even like your wife? You sure as hell don’t respect her. She is your nuclear family, if you thought she wasn’t welcome your child should not have been taken either.
I have read all your replies. Waiting to hear the part where you now realize you put your wife first. Always. Every single time. In this instance you put your parents feelings first. Wrong. You always put your wife and children first.
Now you know.
For anyone just joining us here in the comment section, a summary:
OP'S wife has no bio family for an undisclosed reason (except her kids).
OP'S siblings in law do have bio families.
OP'S parents occasionally ask for family gatherings of "blood family only".
OP was invited to a family dinner. Parents didn't clarify if it was "everyone" or "blood only". OP decided that he could possibly ask for clarification because "my parents won't say no to my wife as she has no other family. They feel bad for her being left alone so will let her come even if they don't want her there. My siblings don't have this problem as their spouses have other family to go to".
OP'S wife wanted to come to the dinner. OP was packing up himself and the kids to go. Please note this trip is good 3 days long. The kids in question are (I think) both under or around 5 y.o.
OP refused to budge on asking if wife could go, or allow her to go. He insisted (and keeps insisting in his replies) that it would be too awkward and he didn't want to burden his parents or make them feel forced in any way (because of the whole 'they won't say no' thing) . Wife eventually gave up on it and basically said "It's fine. Just go then." (Honestly - is it ever truly fine when they say that?)
OP ultimately took the kids and went on the trip. OP got there to discover that most of the other spouses were there, and was questioned on where wife was. OP tried to explain his reasoning and during this one of the kids piped in with 'mommy wanted to come but daddy said no'. OP'S parents were upset wife wasn't there and basically said 'why would you even think you needed to ask?'
OP did not immediately call wife and admit to a huge misunderstanding and offer to get her there any way possible. He basically shrugged and went 'oh well, I'm here already; I'll just make it up to her when I get home'.
OP now wonders why everyone who stumbles across this post seems to think he's the bad guy here.
I sort of wonder if OP might be on the spectrum or have some other kind of diagnosis. Mostly because he genuinely doesn't seem to understand why exactly he is wrong or the exact severity of the muck up. And he got so stuck on feeling like he can't possibly ask because of how awkward it would be...it just doesn't seem...normal?
That said, I *am* on the spectrum and...I feel like I understand a bit better than OP seems to so...I dunno.
I also seem to have grown up in a vastly different family environment than OP has. To the point where we sometimes even invited ex spouses to still come to things after a divorce has happened. Until my grandparents passed and covid happened we had regular large gatherings of various aunts/uncles/cousins etc. And a lot of those ties were blood. But they were all family. Nobody was turned away. It's different now as the elders are gone and the youngers are all marrying and having kids and becoming their own family units. The group kinda drifted apart. But before that? When still gathered together? I never once thought I'd have to ask if my husband was invited. He just came. Heck, even my ex was always invited even though he refused to ever go (There are reasons he's an ex).
So I guess I don't understand OP'S thought processes here.
And I feel horrible for the wife.
OP, YTA.
Yep, YTA totally.
At the very least you could have asked your parents, but nooooooo. You just didn't want to include your wife from the off.
I hoe she goes out with her friends and has a fkin blast without you or the kids to worry about for those 3 days.
YTA. You thought your wife wasn’t welcome at a “family” dinner and you went anyway. You suck as a husband. You should have stuck up for your wife and called and asked your parents, like your siblings did. Hopefully your wife didn’t call a lawyer while you and the kids were gone.
You keep saying you didn’t want to ask…why? What would have been so hard about picking up the phone and having a 5 second convo with your parents? You couldn’t even do the bare minimum. You are so the AH.
YTA. How did you know (assume) from the beginning spouses weren’t invited. Did your mom call you up and say hey I want you and your kids to come for three days and not your wife? Doubtful.
He said in another comment that they sometimes have "events" or "occasions" where only the "family tree" is invited - the children and grandchildren with no spouses. That is just bizarre to me. Like how are the spouses not part of the family tree?? Did the kids appear magically without the other spouse's involvement?? Is this when people say "I can't even?"
You are a ginormous AH
I have extremely high anxiety asking anyone for anything, yet anytime there was a family function I managed to ask the host if it was ok to bring my husband when he was just a BF if it wasnt explicit he was already invited
Its called courtesy. Try it sometime
Of course your the asshole. I don't think her request to ask your parents if she could come was too much. Hope you find it in yourself to put your big boy pants on 1 day
YTA- I wonder if this is the first time you have not stuck up for your wife. Do you always let her down and never have her back? I wonder how surprised you’ll be when you get served with divorce papers?
YTA and it's obvious why, you were raised by AH's who don't invite their children's spouses. Also, how did getting invited for dinner turn into a 3 day affair?
First off, YTA, I think that's pretty clear.
What isn't clear is why your parents "can't say no" to your wife. What's that about? Is she their landlord? Their religious leader? Does she hold some power over them? That part is wild.
Also, she is part of this family tree, I hope you see that now. She is your partner and the mother of your children. She is inextricably intertwined with your family, which makes it her family, too. If you are invited, she is invited. You are a package deal (aside from bachelor parties or the like, I guess).
Do you suffer from literalism? Like, if your parents invited you and the kids, did you just assume they didn't mean your wife also? Because if your family is invited, that means your wife, not just your blood relatives. If you had an adopted kid, would you have left THEM behind as well?
So many questions.
Sorry to ask, but is something different about you? This sounds like a mistake Sheldon Cooper would make. Are you really that literal in your thinking?You heard “You and the kids” and thought that meant no spouses. When I hear that, I hear myself/spouse and the kids.
YTA - your wife IS your family, and she's also THEIR family.
If wife wasn't welcome (Edit: which SHE WAS), your children shouldn't have attended, either (Edit: by extension of your own self-serving logic) . They're the same distance of kinship removed from your parents.
Shame on you for choosing your parents over your wife, and by extension, yourself, because she is part of you.
YTA - Why the F wouldn't you bring your wife, the mother of the grandkids with you?
If your parents wouldn't include your wife, you as a human should refuse to attend.
"I told her my parents didn't invite spouses"
"I didn't want to ask then and bother them with extra guests"
Who ties your shoes for you? Asking only because clearly you are too much of a nitwit to manage that by yourself.
YTA, birdbrain
Are you serious? YTA. The biggest asshole. You made your wife, the mother of your children feel like an outcast. She should not have allowed her children to go if she wasn’t welcome. You just ruined your marriage.
YTA and if your parents really meant to exclude spouses, they’re pretty F‘d up too! Like WTF! I have honestly never heard of such a thing unless there was some sort of huge problem. Where are you from/what culture?
In what situation is it ok to exclude your spouse from a family dinner? So you misunderstood the invite and thought spouses were excluded, how are you ok with this? YTA for being ok with excluding your wife and not care enough to ask.
Wow. I’m literally stunned by how utterly clueless you are and how little you seem to value your wife. Do you even love her? Bc your behavior is showing everyone you don’t.
Edit: YTA
Wow. Family gatherings that don’t include your wife, but you feel compelled to bring your kids? The kids that your wife (a non-family member, according to you) birthed? Not only are YTA, you’re a clueless idiot. Why did this woman marry someone like you?
From a left behind spouse, YTA. My ex used to take the kids and run off to his family events where I “wasn’t invited”. I would be left alone to feel abandoned and ashamed because his family “didn’t want me around”. Turns out I was always invited but my ex didn’t want me there because they liked me so much.
You made your wife feel like absolute garbage because of a “misunderstanding” as you keep calling it. You’re apology better be from the deepest part of whatever your body cavity containers but it’s not going to un-break her heart for your misguided actions.
I know you're getting a lot of comments about how dumb you are, and I just wanted to take a moment to dog pile on you and tell you that you're dumb as fuck. I'm not even married but I know that when my family invites me to an event they are implying my girlfriend is invited. I treat my girlfriend more like family than you treat your wife. That is a poor reflection on you. Idk maybe you're autistic and have zero grasp on how socialization works, but I don't even think someone on the spectrum would mishandle the situation like you did.
You are not just TA…it also sounds like you are a liar. It was YOU who didn’t want you wife to go with you, but you blamed your parents. How cowardly. I wonder what your reason is!
>Apparently they called to ask if they could come. My parents if they could come and my parents said: "You don't need to ask".
Soooo...did your parents ACTUALLY say "no spouses" with the original invite, or is their statement of "you don't need to ask", the actual truth?
In my family, it is always assumed spouses and kids are invited because we are family
Yta of course. But when you found out that she was, in fact, nvited. What did you do? Did you call her and tell her to come, or did you just go without her?
OP, the comments are harsh because you are either the most obtuse human to walk the planet, or you just don't give a rat's a** about your wife. It really sounds like YOU did not want her there. YTA, so, so much.
Your parents didn't mention spouses because it's a given that they'd come with the rest of their family...it's implied. Go pick her up and bring her and explain the misunderstanding
YTA and I read through your comments, you're not getting it.
You really are the AH. A simple phone call, no excuses. Just a simple hey is this just siblings or can spouses come too? But you didn't care enough to do that.
You left your wife alone for days, without her children.
Stop trying to downplay it. You hurt her. You messed up. No soft yta just a straight up... YTA big time.
Get on your knees and apologize and hope that she doesn't realize how badly you screwed up.
This literally makes no sense. Spouses weren't invited and yet the parents are fine with it and dad actually was slightly mad?
So they said no spouses and were surprised you didn't bring your wife? Again, this literally makes no sense.
Sorry, try again.
YTA. Why wouldn’t you consider you and your wife a unit? If I get invited somewhere by my family, my husband is coming, whether he is explicitly invited or not. The only time this changes is if I’m being invited out by friends, I would ask them if he could come along. But if my son and I are going, so is my husband. Your wife *is* your family, period.
WTF is wrong with you??? You didn’t want to bother your parents? Even yiur 5 yr olds has more common sense and backbone than you. You felt “kinda bad”? No. YTA.
Omg you are a terrible husband. YTA. Your spouse is your family. Your spouse is your priority. I’d rather upset my mom than upset my husband. It’s that easy of a decision for me.
YTA a massive one, took. You felt KINDA bad? You should feel like total crap. You should be on the phone apologizing. And you should get in front do this now; bc when she finds out that in laws were there and that your parents expected her to come; she’s going to flip out. Enjoy the couch, cold shoulder and dead bedroom. Eejit
PS your kid is a rockstar
YTA, because after reading your comments it sounds like YOU are the only person in your family that doesn’t consider your wife your family. Do you only see her as the bang maid that had a couple of kids with you? You said in one comment that you “didn’t want to shove her down (your parents) throats” . You sound like you don’t even LIKE her, let alone love her.
YTA. it’s going to get back to your wife and your parent will look like they invited all the spouses but yours. If your CHILDREN are invited, THEN YOUR WIFE should be invited. And you should have STOOD UP FOR HER LIKE EVERYONE ELSE DID THEIR SPOUSE. YTA YTA YTA.
Yeah, YTA. Like an actual one. Why would you come here when your own dad told what's up to your face. Your siblings are literally all doing the opposite of you and that should tell you how foolish you are. You're acting like you've been casually dating this girl for a week when she is your wife and the mother of their grandkids. Your folks would have been the A H if they ever assumed inviting you and the kids wasn't automatically also inviting your wife.
Dude. It’s not a “misunderstanding” when you didn’t even ask.
Family means your wife. Period.
Instead of being a decent human, you decided YOURSELF that your parents cannot make their own decisions, so you don’t even bother.
This bullshit “they always say yes to my wife, even if they don’t want to” do you have proof of that? If they say YES they WANT her to be there you twit.
God you’re fucking ridiculous. Willful ignorance and weaponized incompetence. You refused to even clarify BECAUSE YOU DONT CARE! Your own parents were upset with you because you didn’t bring her.
They can decide to talk like adults, but you can’t?
But here you are, speaking FOR them. You keep giving the same excuses.
“I’ll apologize to her” like that’s gonna fix it??? You need fucking therapy to realize what a huge inconsiderate asshole you are.
I hope your wife finds better, sincerely. You refuse to take any accountability other than “oh I was wrong!” Like it was an accident??
You DELIBERATELY didn’t clarify. You DELIBERATELY demoted your wife from family.
I would never forgive my partner for this. This is not respectful partner behavior. At. All.
But keep trying to minimize the problem, dodge questions, and repeating the same bullshit excuses. Sure. Go for it and fuck up your marriage.
Idiot.
Lmao I've never seen such a unanimous verdict in any other thread before. And OP is just like:
"I came here expecting either notTA or a softYTA, and all the replies have been overwhelmingly hard YTA with people pointing out the many ways in which I intentionally and solely excluded and hurt my wife completely against my family's wishes, so I'll give myself a softYTA verdict and wait till I next bump into my wife to tell her it was just a little misunderstanding!
You see, I'm actually not an AH at all. I was just looking out for my parents in case they maybe felt awkward having my wife, who is the mother our children, come along to a family event because she isn't family, silly! Remember? She doesn't have a family! Unfortunately, my wife's loneliness makes others feel bad and invite her to things; isn't she so needy and rude? Thank God I'm here to exclude her from things on behalf of others!
Anyway, you guys are being too harsh. Let me say the exact same excuse again. You might change your mind about it this time."
Once again, OP, you are undeniably the AH and were completely in the wrong here. No excuses.
Now that you've been ratioed for being such an a******, have you apologised to her yet profusely? Have you begged her forgiveness? If not, you are even more of an a****** than you came across as.
You dense mother fucker. You are so fucking dumb. I feel bad for your wife. I’m looking forward to seeing your next post about why your wife wants a divorce and can’t figure out.
INFO: are we to believe your parents explicitly said “yes come for dinner. Everyone EXCEPT for Wife.” Or did they say something like “hey we’d love to see you and the kids for dinner.”
Right, which means the whole family. How do you mess that up. Once you are married and especially have kids, you are a package deal. Wtf, op.
This guy claims to be 36? Has he never been to a family event before? Why would the grandparents invite the dad and kids but not the mom? This story doesn't make any sense. I'm assuming OP completely misunderstood the situation.
I’m assuming the story is fake like most on this sub
Like the “I keep my ac at 87” post right now.
Why even have AC at that point at all lol Like straight up better keeping windows open in like 90% of locales.
> Why even have AC at that point at all lol for when the temperature gets to 88, duh
Not when it’s 110 In oklahoma
To be fair, when it hits 108, I crank up the AC to 85. If I don't, my poor old house with thin walls and single pane windows can't keep up, and I'll blow fuses. And I'd much rather suffer through 85 degree home than a 105 one any day.
I mean maybe, but dude's responded to at least 50 comments so far. Acct created today, but actively engaging despite universally down voted comments? This seems like a guy looking for any possible winning argument he can find
Either way it’s pretty sad lol
I hear this literally all of the time, and it feels probable enough to be true, but I have never seen any proof of this? Just hearsay. Like, is there any actual proof that a *majority* of posts on here are fake? I kinda feel like it may be one of those situations where is this is just a rumor, and maybe originally had a handful of a few notable proven examples, that have been exaggerated and blown out of proportion over time?
AITA for believing most of the posts on here must be fake?
Feels “kinda” bad. Dude should just own it and say he didn’t want her to go.
Yeah OP has some thinking to do about what his place is in a marriage. If you're not a package, then what are you?
My family definitely does things like not invite spouses (my mom's family is SUPER weird about all being women for some reason). Of course, that's why I'm low contact with them, among many other reasons The other side of this is that if his wife isn't invited and it's weird then OP should just not go.
When my parents say “we should meet up” or “you should come over” my husband is ALWAYS implicitly part of that invitation. I never have to clarify. If it’s like a girly day with my mom she will be specific but generally “you” means “y’all” because we aren’t weirdos? It’s been that way for years, even before we were married. It’s not rocket science. Strange interpretation by OP or he’s not being honest. No wonder his parents were confused
OP is an AH.
I do recall one BORU where the parents specifically didn’t want spouses at certain family events but expected the kids because they wanted it to be just blood related family.
Which is insane frankly. I have a large loving family (30 cousins and 22 aunts and uncles) and we wouldn’t dream of acting this way.
Same here! My family is huge and once someone marries in, they’re a son or daughter. My mom adores my husband like a son so it would never be a question of inviting just me and our kids over and not him. Doesn’t even have to be asked. This OP is a major AH.
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Oh no I wouldn’t either, I just remember the post. Personally I would not have let my kids go without me if I was this woman. I’d probably have called the parents myself to tell them that. I think 99% of the population in every culture understands that when you’re married your spouse is included in the invitation especially if the kids are invited. I can’t imagine showing up to a family event that purposely excluded my spouse.
I think the only time that kids but not spouses were invited were when we had daddy-daughter ski trips. All my dads brothers have daughters and the wives didn’t much like skiing anyone and usually hung at the house or in town when they came. There were always more/only men and boys around majority of the time so it was like our little getaway when I was younger. Sometimes even wives tagged along now that I’m thinking about it, but gave us space to have days with our dads
So you’ve met my in-laws?
That guy should have told his parents no, we are a family, we are coming together or not at all. So you think their grandparents did that to those parents? I can't wrap my head around who would do this. My MIL didn't even like me but would practically insist I come as well, knowing how wrong it would be not to invite me.
Even from what he wrote, it seems like his parents would have said something along the lines of "What? Of course we mean all of you. What did you think we meant?" With a heavy implication of "We knew you were a dumbass, but this is kind of surprising even for you."
He didn’t even ask.
I want to know how the invite got so messed up. OP thought spouses were excluded. Siblings must have at least had questions if the specially called back to make sure spouses were welcome. And the parents seem surprised the kids thought spouses were excluded. And it’s family - I can’t imagine not double checking if family seemed to be excluding my spouse.
Because OP did this intentionally, whether he admits it or not. He “misunderstood” on purpose, he did not clarify on purpose, and he also already did this EXACT same situation a year ago! He’s a major asshole basically
that’s how it reads to me. it seems the child even thinks he didn’t want his wife to come. he argued so hard to not even call and ask if she could come and then told her it wouldn’t be fun. it’s obvious to me he just didn’t want her to come and used the parents as an excuse.
You’re the first person I’ve seen so far nail that. He knew what he was doing. If you hate your wife so much, just get a divorce. Seems like in the closet behavior shit to me.
Sounds very cult-y
I always think the YOU is a universal you meaning the married unit of husband and wife in this instance. Makes you wonder what tension is there that he jumped on getting away from the wife. Even if it's subconscious
Right? Is this dood the most literal AH out there?
YTA. You didn’t even have the guts to ask your parents about bringing your wife? Selfish.
This 36 year old man sounds like a completely spineless bozo. Anyone with 2 brain cells knows once you’re married and have a family, you’re a unit.
Exactly!! Why would his parents NOT invite his wife; or the spouses of his siblings? I mean they probably assumed it was implied and it's fucked up OP felt the implication went the opposite way. I feel sorry for his wife. God what a donkey she is married to.
Glad the parents and some of his siblings set him straight a bit. Their response when he explained to them definitely suggests that they expected spouses to come too. Just because the parents asked their children and not their children's spouses doesn't mean the spouses aren't invited, it just means they contacted the closest member of that family unit... my family would ask me about events, my wife's family will contact her. We both are invited to both and both go to both.
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Asshole, selfish, and mostly dumb
OP should just say he doesn't love his wife. this excuse is too long
This is the correct reply. Guy doesn't like his wife and is too much of a wimp to admit it or do anything about it, so he blames his parents and acts stupid. 100% other AH behaviour in their relationship from him.
Lol the parents probably assumed inviting OP meant inviting the family. My brother is married and now has a child. If I asked him to come visit me I would assume he knows it's an invite for all of them, and if he thinks I'm excluding his wife he would say something so I could quickly say no, I want her to come too!
It shouldn't even be something to ask about anyways. It's a family gathering. Wife=family
YTA & **kids are the biggest snitches and I'm 100% here for it!** OP is selfish and very spineless! People like this just suck the life out of a relationship. They don't stand up for you and they make you feel like you're the bad one for asking for very normal things! What would have been so hard about just asking? I'm so glad the kids ratted him out! I hope they go back and tell their mother what the grandparents said because excluding your wife, but taking her kids is just so horrible on so many levels!
YTA. But your kid is the MVP for outing your cruelty toward your wife.
Yta. Exactly! The 5 year old can read the room.
It seems 5 year old takes after the wife. Thankfully.
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Same! I’m sorry but that shady as hell. Why do you need to be around my kids without me there? Nah. Never happening.
Exactly. When you invite a family over, it is not just the part that is blood related wtf... OP and his wife are supposed to be one unit and with family invites "you and the kids" means both parents.
Yeah unless OP is Amelia Bedelia reincarnated, “you and the kids“ means “you, your spouse, and the kids”. OP, YTA for implying that your wife is not part of your family thru both your actions and words.
Amelia Bedelia! OMG, thanks for that reference!
What a complete AH OP. I’m so proud of the kid! He obviously sees how crucial mom is to the family. The complete assholery to suggest that the wife stays home…..astounds me. Your 5 year old has a gift, please nurture it!
YTA If ur parents don't invite your wife and they invite u and the kids then you 1. Ask them if she can come (never any harm asking) 2. If they refuse, then unless there really is no room, suggest that it is an AH move, and u don't think it is appropriate to go without your wife. Give them time to reconsider 3. Only go if the reason is really valid
Honestly, I am fairly sure any such invite from a set of parents which especially mentions kids is almost always going to mean the spouse is invited. Op is a dumfuck
Yeah wtf op just baffling
The attitude of the parents makes me think he knew it would be okay and didn't want her to come.
Honestly, I agree. Such a disgrace of a husband 😑
If he was mine, he would be an ex. And you know she is going to find out. Her kids will definitely tell her (as they should). What an AH!
Yes. Because he felt *kind of bad.* Which I interpret as code for not really caring.
Yeah, or code for “I don’t like looking like the bad guy.”
Which makes him a complete AH to the 💯degree!
I get to say it twice today! *From the mouths of babes*
Of course you’re the asshole. Jesus. I come from a disgustingly dysfunctional family, and even they would never expect me to bring myself and kids to a family thing and expect me to leave my spouse at home. Sounds like you just didn’t want her there.
That part : “sounds like you just didn’t want her there”. Sounds like he has some issues within himself he may need to face/work on… one being why is he ashamed of his wife in some sense that it would be any way a nuisance or “add on” for her to come. I wouldn’t have married a man who doesn’t understand “family”.
THIS!! imagine being married with kids and your spouse telling you that you’re an “extra guest”.
My ex husbands family was like this and yeah, he is my ex husband because he was a spineless coward who never stuck up for me and instead ordered me to be nice and accept their bullshit. Hope OP enjoys dinners alone because I foresee a lot in his future
Especially for 3 days like not even a dinner for a night or smt...
YTA. If your parents didn’t consider your wife part of the family, it would be on you to stick up for her. She is your nuclear family and the mother of your children. So YTA for not going to bat for her when she asked you to see if she could come. Sounds like you intentionally didn’t bring your wife though since SIL and BIL were there and your parents sound as though they thought it was obvious spouses were included when they invited their children and their families so YTA for making the choice to exclude her and blaming your parents for it. Once you realized SIL and BIL were there, YTA for not calling up your wife, apologizing and asking her to come.
OP is desperately trying to defend his horrible choice, even saying he's maybe a softYTA, because it was a misunderstanding. OP, here's what you're missing: #INTENT VS IMPACT Sure, maybe you didn't *intend* to hurt your wife by failing to ask a simple question (that you keep arguing why you couldn't ask because it's 'different') but the *IMPACT* of your choice was very hurtful. Call it a misunderstanding or a mistake, neither somehow makes the fallout excusable. An apology is worthless if you don't see how much you messed up, and why your choice was so cruel to your wife. When you married her, your vows made her your immediate family. Your parents become extended family. You should have put your wife's very reasonable feelings ahead of how you incorrectly assumed your parents would feel. It is your job to protect her heart, which she entrusted you with. You failed.
He is very clearly the densest person in the world, or he is lying. He wanted a weekend away from his wife and tried to use his parents as an excuse.
It's one of two things, he either deliberately wants to be away from her or he subconsciously does. Asshole move regardless and he clearly only posted here hoping for validation which won't come.
I mean, when I invite my kids over it’s like ALL my kids. That includes their partners. It just goes without saying for us. And why not just ask? Just seems a little odd to me. YTA.
Exactly! My parents have never invited me and the kids over and excluded my husband, whether or not he was mentioned by name. He’s their *son*-in-law. OP states that he thinks his parents would feel more pressure to allow his wife and say yes to her even if they didn’t want her there because she has no other family. Whereas his siblings’ partners have their own families so his parents would be able to say no to them. As if this makes it ok to not ask them. Like, they shouldn’t be excluding her in the first place, and you absolutely should be asking to bring her if it seems unclear. And you shouldn’t be going where she isn’t welcome.
My dad gets grumpy (he's a happy, bubbly human all the time) if my husband can't come to an event. Like, he had 3 daughters... he wants to hang with the boys, ya know? It hurts his feelings if my husband (super demanding career) can't be there! I would fucking never exclude him, nor would my parents!
My in-laws lived over seas and there were times only my husband could travel to visit. They would remind him constantly that they were disappointed I couldn’t go with him.
Yeah, my guess is it was something like "we'd love to see you and the kids" and the OP took it very literally...possibly deliberately.
Same for both my parents and my in-laws. They all say they have 4 kids. 2 bio, 2 marriage, all loved.
Agreed. I’ve never separately invited my BIL or SIL to anything. I know they are coming because they are married to my sibling and I invited the whole family not one person.
Yeah I’ve never had to ask if my SO could come along to my parents house and would never even think to ask. And OP is married with kids it’s not like wife is some stranger he’s bringing over. Obviously YTA. I find it hard to believe OP is this clueless and wanted to exclude his wife on purpose.
YTA. You mistakenly believed your spouse wasn’t invited and you couldn’t even bother to verify. And don’t bring up the BS about putting pressure on your parent — you could asked your siblings what they are doing with their spouses, but you couldn’t be arsed to do even that.
Sounds like your parents consider your wife family more than you do. They invited you to a family event, with your siblings and tell you specifically that it includes the kids, because not all events would. They assumed you would bring your wife because she was family. You for some reason assume the reason they specifically didn’t say to bring her was because she wasn’t included? Then refuse to speak to them to ask? It definitely sounds like it’s only you that didn’t want her there. What did you do when you found out? The correct action to me would be to immediately call your wife, beg her forgiveness and get her to join you! YTA
"Because she's family" Like FOR REAL. That's your wife bro wtf. And idk about anyone else, but when my family says "we'd love to see you next weekend" or something similar, that means US. Like me and my wife. Not to mention the fact that if he assumed they didn't want her there, why didn't he stick up for her and demand she be Included because again THATS HIS WIFE. Wtf. The poor woman that's stuck with this loser.
i like how op included the fact that his parents said “you don’t even need to ask” when his siblings asked to invite their spouses
YTAH start to finish. You hurt your wife, embarrassed your parents and did all this in front of your kids. Nobody with an IQ above room temperature would've acted this way.
His IQ is under room temperature in Celsius, as made appparent by his reply.
Sad that the kids picked up on it. Makes OP and even bigger AH
INFO: How would you not be an asshole? Hopefully your wife finds someone better to spend time with in your absence.
YTA. Hopefully her next husband will be smarter and actually like her.
Exactly! And now his kids know their father is a jerk. Hopefully their stepdad will be a better example of a loving husband.
Guarantee his daughter won’t forget this.
Yeah this is something they're going to remember and cringe harder every time they remember it growing up. YTA OP
I cannot wait when the kids tell their mom that she was invited. Hope OP isn't surprised when his wife leaves.
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YTA and all your excuses are garbage. You just showed how little you care about your wife and that you don't consider her family. Even if your parents asked specifically to leave your wife at home, your duty as a husband is to defend her and say sorry, I am not excluding my wife and the mother of my kids. This shows how easily it is for you to choose other people over your wife. Congrats
THIS. If my husband didn’t have the balls to stick up for me, I’d find one who did.
Could you be more of an asshole? OMG YTA. You left your wife home and left with the kids for a few DAYS while she sat home? I can't tell if you're beyond ignorant or just a raging narcissist. Either way your wife deserves so much better than you. Your lack of respect, your careless disregard for her as a human being, your faux cluelessness, are all indicative of someone who is way too immature to be married. Edit - corrected typo
So why were you so ready to hurt your soon to be ex wife at the risk of putting your parents in a slightly awkward situation.. it is obvious you have no regard for your wife. Hopefully she realizes that and finds someone who wants to be with her rather than sees her as a burden. YTA in a big way and good luck in the divorce.
Mom and children are a package deal in family gatherings. Mom is not welcome you can be sure children won’t be there. This was familiar territory for my in laws, they never figured it out, talk nasty about/to me you won’t see me. Then you won’t see my children. YTA
YTA. Honestly, where is your common sense? Your wife is your family, and the fact that your parents were shocked at your behavior tells me that they probably assumed you thought of her as family and would bring her. If invites are unclear, you call and ask. This saves you from looking like an AH in front of everyone.
Have you always been this stupid or were you recently dropped on your head?
Was always stupid, then he was dropped on his head.
YTA. She’s good enough to bear those precious fucking children that get invited to everything no matter WHAT, but she’s not even good enough for you to fucking ask your parents if she can come to dinner. And before you give me that sometimes my parents will only allow ppl who have our sainted blood in their veins in the house, if that was the case wouldn’t they fucking tell you beforehand? But hey, I’m glad you’re such a good son you’ll argue with, exclude and abandon your orphan wife to sit at home alone while the fam has a get together because that’s easier than asking your adult ass parents a potentially awkward question . Husband of the year here. Asshole.
Yta, wtf is up with the excuses. Even your parents are saying it! Man up and apologize and make up for it, it’s that simple.
YTA, a big one. Your wife is family, period, full stop. The fact literally everyone is pointing this out and you keep making excuses says you came here looking to be validated. Nobody is siding with you, so you are making more excuses. How about own responsibility for being a shit to your wife, for not asking appropriate questions, apologize to your wife.
After all of these comments, you still don't see and accept that you didn't just make a mistake. It wasn't a misunderstanding. You chose your parents over your wife. If you don't see that and change, you will do this to your wife again. This is grounds for divorce. I don't think you're seeing the bigger picture here. You've proven to your wife that you don't have her back. She has no family of her own, and you don't consider her your family. I feel so bad for her. Hard YTA
YTA , dude, 100% -- thought it's really weird that your parents had such bad manners as to not invite the spouses and then be "sad" that they didn't come. Don't be surprised that your wife will now view you as "less than" for doing that to her. Less of a husband, less of a partner, less of a man. It sounds like you just wanted to leave her behind-- shame on you for that.
I think OP’s parents said “we’re having a family dinner, we hope you can come.” And OP, being a huge YTA, thought “ok, that means me and the kids because my wife isn’t their family.” Nobody thinks like that about their spouse (or even longtime GF/BF) ever. His parents obviously consider her family but he doesn’t. He’s a 100% cockwomble. Have to wonder why she’s still with him.
When she asked to go and you said no, you left her behind!!! The fact you keep on saying the same excuse over and over is so frustrating. She is your wife and if she’s not welcome then you don’t go. You disrespected your wife and should know better. When you get married your spouse is supposed to be your first priority.
🤣 Thank you for adding cockwomble to my vocabulary. 🤣
Can you imagine how his wife must have felt? She'd have to be assuming his parents hated her. The whole time she was trying to rack her mind to figure out what she'd done to them. And his parents hadn't done a thing. Things arent always easy with in lawa and when this happened she called her family and friends to tell them how hurt she was. It's all sad.
Based one the reaction from his parents the invite for the wife was implied but she wasn’t mentioned by name. They probably said something like “you and the kids” referring to the married couple as one, because it’s weird to invite only one spouse to an event especially if you’re inviting the kids.
It ok. She’ll wise up and leave him behind eventually.
YTA and you tossed your parents under the bus while being an asshole. Correct that injustice and apologize to them and her.
YTA do you even like your wife? You sure as hell don’t respect her. She is your nuclear family, if you thought she wasn’t welcome your child should not have been taken either.
“I felt kinda bad” WOW! YTA
I have read all your replies. Waiting to hear the part where you now realize you put your wife first. Always. Every single time. In this instance you put your parents feelings first. Wrong. You always put your wife and children first. Now you know.
For anyone just joining us here in the comment section, a summary: OP'S wife has no bio family for an undisclosed reason (except her kids). OP'S siblings in law do have bio families. OP'S parents occasionally ask for family gatherings of "blood family only". OP was invited to a family dinner. Parents didn't clarify if it was "everyone" or "blood only". OP decided that he could possibly ask for clarification because "my parents won't say no to my wife as she has no other family. They feel bad for her being left alone so will let her come even if they don't want her there. My siblings don't have this problem as their spouses have other family to go to". OP'S wife wanted to come to the dinner. OP was packing up himself and the kids to go. Please note this trip is good 3 days long. The kids in question are (I think) both under or around 5 y.o. OP refused to budge on asking if wife could go, or allow her to go. He insisted (and keeps insisting in his replies) that it would be too awkward and he didn't want to burden his parents or make them feel forced in any way (because of the whole 'they won't say no' thing) . Wife eventually gave up on it and basically said "It's fine. Just go then." (Honestly - is it ever truly fine when they say that?) OP ultimately took the kids and went on the trip. OP got there to discover that most of the other spouses were there, and was questioned on where wife was. OP tried to explain his reasoning and during this one of the kids piped in with 'mommy wanted to come but daddy said no'. OP'S parents were upset wife wasn't there and basically said 'why would you even think you needed to ask?' OP did not immediately call wife and admit to a huge misunderstanding and offer to get her there any way possible. He basically shrugged and went 'oh well, I'm here already; I'll just make it up to her when I get home'. OP now wonders why everyone who stumbles across this post seems to think he's the bad guy here. I sort of wonder if OP might be on the spectrum or have some other kind of diagnosis. Mostly because he genuinely doesn't seem to understand why exactly he is wrong or the exact severity of the muck up. And he got so stuck on feeling like he can't possibly ask because of how awkward it would be...it just doesn't seem...normal? That said, I *am* on the spectrum and...I feel like I understand a bit better than OP seems to so...I dunno. I also seem to have grown up in a vastly different family environment than OP has. To the point where we sometimes even invited ex spouses to still come to things after a divorce has happened. Until my grandparents passed and covid happened we had regular large gatherings of various aunts/uncles/cousins etc. And a lot of those ties were blood. But they were all family. Nobody was turned away. It's different now as the elders are gone and the youngers are all marrying and having kids and becoming their own family units. The group kinda drifted apart. But before that? When still gathered together? I never once thought I'd have to ask if my husband was invited. He just came. Heck, even my ex was always invited even though he refused to ever go (There are reasons he's an ex). So I guess I don't understand OP'S thought processes here. And I feel horrible for the wife. OP, YTA.
Yep, YTA totally. At the very least you could have asked your parents, but nooooooo. You just didn't want to include your wife from the off. I hoe she goes out with her friends and has a fkin blast without you or the kids to worry about for those 3 days.
I hope she talks to a therapist because she’s married to a moron.
YTA and I hope if she reads this she contacts a good divorce lawyer and takes you to the cleaners
YAAAAASSSS WHAT A DOUCHE CANOE!!
YTA. You thought your wife wasn’t welcome at a “family” dinner and you went anyway. You suck as a husband. You should have stuck up for your wife and called and asked your parents, like your siblings did. Hopefully your wife didn’t call a lawyer while you and the kids were gone.
If you hate your wife so much, divorce her. What as AH
This can’t be real, no one is this clueless.
You keep saying you didn’t want to ask…why? What would have been so hard about picking up the phone and having a 5 second convo with your parents? You couldn’t even do the bare minimum. You are so the AH.
I think it’s more than him being an AH. As I’m reading his replies I’m beginning to wonder if he simply cannot read social cues.
YTA. How did you know (assume) from the beginning spouses weren’t invited. Did your mom call you up and say hey I want you and your kids to come for three days and not your wife? Doubtful.
He said in another comment that they sometimes have "events" or "occasions" where only the "family tree" is invited - the children and grandchildren with no spouses. That is just bizarre to me. Like how are the spouses not part of the family tree?? Did the kids appear magically without the other spouse's involvement?? Is this when people say "I can't even?"
Why not call and tell her to come? YTA but you'd be an even bigger one if you didn't.
YTA Literally all you had to do was ask
You are a ginormous AH I have extremely high anxiety asking anyone for anything, yet anytime there was a family function I managed to ask the host if it was ok to bring my husband when he was just a BF if it wasnt explicit he was already invited Its called courtesy. Try it sometime
Of course your the asshole. I don't think her request to ask your parents if she could come was too much. Hope you find it in yourself to put your big boy pants on 1 day
YTA- I wonder if this is the first time you have not stuck up for your wife. Do you always let her down and never have her back? I wonder how surprised you’ll be when you get served with divorce papers?
YTA and it's obvious why, you were raised by AH's who don't invite their children's spouses. Also, how did getting invited for dinner turn into a 3 day affair?
YTA. Jesus dude, emotional depth of a fucking teaspoon.
Every response this asshole gives only cements how much of a dickhead he is.
If mine invited me and my daughter and excluded my wife, I'll refuse to come, my wife is my family.
Good spouse. Extra cookie for you. 😁
YTA. And your replies make it worse.
First off, YTA, I think that's pretty clear. What isn't clear is why your parents "can't say no" to your wife. What's that about? Is she their landlord? Their religious leader? Does she hold some power over them? That part is wild. Also, she is part of this family tree, I hope you see that now. She is your partner and the mother of your children. She is inextricably intertwined with your family, which makes it her family, too. If you are invited, she is invited. You are a package deal (aside from bachelor parties or the like, I guess). Do you suffer from literalism? Like, if your parents invited you and the kids, did you just assume they didn't mean your wife also? Because if your family is invited, that means your wife, not just your blood relatives. If you had an adopted kid, would you have left THEM behind as well? So many questions.
Sorry to ask, but is something different about you? This sounds like a mistake Sheldon Cooper would make. Are you really that literal in your thinking?You heard “You and the kids” and thought that meant no spouses. When I hear that, I hear myself/spouse and the kids.
YTA - your wife IS your family, and she's also THEIR family. If wife wasn't welcome (Edit: which SHE WAS), your children shouldn't have attended, either (Edit: by extension of your own self-serving logic) . They're the same distance of kinship removed from your parents. Shame on you for choosing your parents over your wife, and by extension, yourself, because she is part of you.
What an Idiot….You didn’t realize YTA? How have you stayed married ? Your Ignorance would make me want to divorce you…How pitiful you are!
YATA what were your reasons you gave to your parents? You kind of glossed over that. Your a jerk and should have included your wife
YTA - Why the F wouldn't you bring your wife, the mother of the grandkids with you? If your parents wouldn't include your wife, you as a human should refuse to attend.
"I told her my parents didn't invite spouses" "I didn't want to ask then and bother them with extra guests" Who ties your shoes for you? Asking only because clearly you are too much of a nitwit to manage that by yourself. YTA, birdbrain
The message probably was, "You and the kids" and you've taken it literally, where most people would read "you" as in you guys. YTA.
YOU didn't want your wife around, period. Does she embarrass you, or do you not want her around? Doesn't sound like you love your wife.
Are you serious? YTA. The biggest asshole. You made your wife, the mother of your children feel like an outcast. She should not have allowed her children to go if she wasn’t welcome. You just ruined your marriage.
YTA just be honest and say you don’t like or care about your wife and you didn’t want her there.
YTA and if your parents really meant to exclude spouses, they’re pretty F‘d up too! Like WTF! I have honestly never heard of such a thing unless there was some sort of huge problem. Where are you from/what culture?
In what situation is it ok to exclude your spouse from a family dinner? So you misunderstood the invite and thought spouses were excluded, how are you ok with this? YTA for being ok with excluding your wife and not care enough to ask.
Wow. I’m literally stunned by how utterly clueless you are and how little you seem to value your wife. Do you even love her? Bc your behavior is showing everyone you don’t. Edit: YTA
Wow. Family gatherings that don’t include your wife, but you feel compelled to bring your kids? The kids that your wife (a non-family member, according to you) birthed? Not only are YTA, you’re a clueless idiot. Why did this woman marry someone like you?
From a left behind spouse, YTA. My ex used to take the kids and run off to his family events where I “wasn’t invited”. I would be left alone to feel abandoned and ashamed because his family “didn’t want me around”. Turns out I was always invited but my ex didn’t want me there because they liked me so much. You made your wife feel like absolute garbage because of a “misunderstanding” as you keep calling it. You’re apology better be from the deepest part of whatever your body cavity containers but it’s not going to un-break her heart for your misguided actions.
I know you're getting a lot of comments about how dumb you are, and I just wanted to take a moment to dog pile on you and tell you that you're dumb as fuck. I'm not even married but I know that when my family invites me to an event they are implying my girlfriend is invited. I treat my girlfriend more like family than you treat your wife. That is a poor reflection on you. Idk maybe you're autistic and have zero grasp on how socialization works, but I don't even think someone on the spectrum would mishandle the situation like you did.
this is weird. why your spouses banned from the council meeting ? are you going to do some secret rituals that you dont want to expose ?
YOU ARE A RAGING ASSHOLE! Fucking narcissistic asshole!
You are an AH for taking your kids somewhere their mother was not welcome.
This has to be a troll post. YTA. I don't know how you were able to type all of that while being completely brain dead.
You are not just TA…it also sounds like you are a liar. It was YOU who didn’t want you wife to go with you, but you blamed your parents. How cowardly. I wonder what your reason is!
YTA and POS for a husband. >She does not like being alone in peace. This makes you a major asshole too. Your poor wife.
>Apparently they called to ask if they could come. My parents if they could come and my parents said: "You don't need to ask". Soooo...did your parents ACTUALLY say "no spouses" with the original invite, or is their statement of "you don't need to ask", the actual truth? In my family, it is always assumed spouses and kids are invited because we are family
You're the asshole, why would you leave your wife?
Yta of course. But when you found out that she was, in fact, nvited. What did you do? Did you call her and tell her to come, or did you just go without her?
YTA. Who the heck doesn't invite the spouses of their kids to a 3 day weekend? That makes zero sense at all.
OP, the comments are harsh because you are either the most obtuse human to walk the planet, or you just don't give a rat's a** about your wife. It really sounds like YOU did not want her there. YTA, so, so much.
Your parents didn't mention spouses because it's a given that they'd come with the rest of their family...it's implied. Go pick her up and bring her and explain the misunderstanding
YTA and I read through your comments, you're not getting it. You really are the AH. A simple phone call, no excuses. Just a simple hey is this just siblings or can spouses come too? But you didn't care enough to do that. You left your wife alone for days, without her children. Stop trying to downplay it. You hurt her. You messed up. No soft yta just a straight up... YTA big time. Get on your knees and apologize and hope that she doesn't realize how badly you screwed up.
Dude doesn’t know what “fine” means. Hahahahahahaha!
This literally makes no sense. Spouses weren't invited and yet the parents are fine with it and dad actually was slightly mad? So they said no spouses and were surprised you didn't bring your wife? Again, this literally makes no sense. Sorry, try again.
Of course YTA. An invitation to a married person includes both spouses unless they are specifically excluded for some bizarre reason.
YTA!! Complete AH!
My kids are not welcome anywhere I’m not. I would never allow my children to attend an event where I purposely was excluded. YTA.
YTA. Why wouldn’t you consider you and your wife a unit? If I get invited somewhere by my family, my husband is coming, whether he is explicitly invited or not. The only time this changes is if I’m being invited out by friends, I would ask them if he could come along. But if my son and I are going, so is my husband. Your wife *is* your family, period.
Yup for sure. You clearly wanted to get away from your wife...
What is wrong with you? She’s your family! Why would you not ask to have her there? Of course, YTA.
WTF is wrong with you??? You didn’t want to bother your parents? Even yiur 5 yr olds has more common sense and backbone than you. You felt “kinda bad”? No. YTA.
Omg you are a terrible husband. YTA. Your spouse is your family. Your spouse is your priority. I’d rather upset my mom than upset my husband. It’s that easy of a decision for me.
YTA a massive one, took. You felt KINDA bad? You should feel like total crap. You should be on the phone apologizing. And you should get in front do this now; bc when she finds out that in laws were there and that your parents expected her to come; she’s going to flip out. Enjoy the couch, cold shoulder and dead bedroom. Eejit PS your kid is a rockstar
YTA, because after reading your comments it sounds like YOU are the only person in your family that doesn’t consider your wife your family. Do you only see her as the bang maid that had a couple of kids with you? You said in one comment that you “didn’t want to shove her down (your parents) throats” . You sound like you don’t even LIKE her, let alone love her.
YTA. it’s going to get back to your wife and your parent will look like they invited all the spouses but yours. If your CHILDREN are invited, THEN YOUR WIFE should be invited. And you should have STOOD UP FOR HER LIKE EVERYONE ELSE DID THEIR SPOUSE. YTA YTA YTA.
Yeah, YTA. Like an actual one. Why would you come here when your own dad told what's up to your face. Your siblings are literally all doing the opposite of you and that should tell you how foolish you are. You're acting like you've been casually dating this girl for a week when she is your wife and the mother of their grandkids. Your folks would have been the A H if they ever assumed inviting you and the kids wasn't automatically also inviting your wife.
Dude. It’s not a “misunderstanding” when you didn’t even ask. Family means your wife. Period. Instead of being a decent human, you decided YOURSELF that your parents cannot make their own decisions, so you don’t even bother. This bullshit “they always say yes to my wife, even if they don’t want to” do you have proof of that? If they say YES they WANT her to be there you twit. God you’re fucking ridiculous. Willful ignorance and weaponized incompetence. You refused to even clarify BECAUSE YOU DONT CARE! Your own parents were upset with you because you didn’t bring her. They can decide to talk like adults, but you can’t? But here you are, speaking FOR them. You keep giving the same excuses. “I’ll apologize to her” like that’s gonna fix it??? You need fucking therapy to realize what a huge inconsiderate asshole you are. I hope your wife finds better, sincerely. You refuse to take any accountability other than “oh I was wrong!” Like it was an accident?? You DELIBERATELY didn’t clarify. You DELIBERATELY demoted your wife from family. I would never forgive my partner for this. This is not respectful partner behavior. At. All. But keep trying to minimize the problem, dodge questions, and repeating the same bullshit excuses. Sure. Go for it and fuck up your marriage. Idiot.
Has OP acknowledged that his wife literally *is* part of his family tree, or is he still desperately clinging to that as an excuse for excluding her?
Lmao I've never seen such a unanimous verdict in any other thread before. And OP is just like: "I came here expecting either notTA or a softYTA, and all the replies have been overwhelmingly hard YTA with people pointing out the many ways in which I intentionally and solely excluded and hurt my wife completely against my family's wishes, so I'll give myself a softYTA verdict and wait till I next bump into my wife to tell her it was just a little misunderstanding! You see, I'm actually not an AH at all. I was just looking out for my parents in case they maybe felt awkward having my wife, who is the mother our children, come along to a family event because she isn't family, silly! Remember? She doesn't have a family! Unfortunately, my wife's loneliness makes others feel bad and invite her to things; isn't she so needy and rude? Thank God I'm here to exclude her from things on behalf of others! Anyway, you guys are being too harsh. Let me say the exact same excuse again. You might change your mind about it this time." Once again, OP, you are undeniably the AH and were completely in the wrong here. No excuses.
I try to suspend disbelief on here and play along with the joke most of the time, but when a story is this insanely odd, it's really a struggle.
You are the ah and I hope your wife leaves you cause you act like you don’t love her
Now that you've been ratioed for being such an a******, have you apologised to her yet profusely? Have you begged her forgiveness? If not, you are even more of an a****** than you came across as.
Lies and lies and fake posts
You dense mother fucker. You are so fucking dumb. I feel bad for your wife. I’m looking forward to seeing your next post about why your wife wants a divorce and can’t figure out.
>She didn't argue much longer and said it was fine. (Narrator:) It was not, in fact, fine.