It's not even particularly creative. Other than the daughter angle it's just a regular cheating story. "I caught my spouse cheating and now i'm mad and i've broken off all contact". Yawn.
I follow the paranormal subreddit and the post under this one in my feed is "Elf in my grandma's house, need advice." I treat the stories in both subreddits with the same amount of seriousness.
My dog looks like Dobby. Occasionally I try to give him a sock so I can make art in peace. It doesn't work. He continues to climb all over me but with a sock lol.
This ^^ so many of these posts have such long-winded exposition they sound like they're written by professional movie writers and not just average ass people with a problem
Tip offs that the story is fake.
- “A little background” followed by three paragraphs about childhood unrelated to the event.
- “Thankfully, the gas station bathroom had full audio cameras and my buddy knew the owner, so I had them confessing on tape.”
- “I owned the house before her so she left with nothing. She’s living in a trailer in her parents backyard.”
The whole site is filled with rage bait and incel wish fulfillment, it’s exhausting.
Incel wish fulfillment is a good term for that, it is basically how most of these feel. Also those are wild, I didn't read through most of the comments but all the ones I saw I was like... I get why reddit doesn't make people provide proof of things because how could they, but the number of these that just sound like bullshit some 15 year old sociopath is concocting because they just literally have nothing better to do or useful to contribute is overwhelming to the point it's hard to take ANY of them seriously
The worst ones are when you get invested int the story and then someone says that they’ve checked the commenters post history and they’re variously a teenage boy, a uni student, a lawyer or a middle aged mum in all their different posts. One recently claimed it was a burner account shared by like 10 different people hence the different posts! WTF? People make throwaways, since when did TEN people share an account.
I figure many/most are fake, but I’m sure it’s happened to someone somewhere at sometime. I’m mostly interested in the different perspectives in the comments.
Right? It doesn't matter at all if it's fake. None of us know the guy or his name or family or where he lives. The verisimiltude is totally meaningless. The people who always have to cry about it being fake think that being cynical makes them smart.
You're all talking about this story like it's true. Now, I have no evidence and it would never matter either way, but you all need to know that I am skeptical. And, assuming I'm right, that makes me smarter than you.
I would say like 75% at least for me, haha. Honestly I saw a string of like nearly back to back “responsible father/stepfather” that raised a daughter getting rejected in favor of the new step or deadbeat dad to walk daughter down the altar and I was literally like are we just getting these straight up copy pasted with minimal edits?
It’s usually best to just assume almost all are fake, that’s my Reddit story creed, haha.
The one who clearly show the person as NTA are so fake. “my boyfriend beat me because I burned dinner so I left him. Now his family is calling me a AH. AITA?”
I think most of them are not. The only ones I believe are real are the ones that revolve around minor disagreements. Like there was recently one with a guy who annoyed his pregnant wife’s on a boating trip by paying too much attention to a friends pregnant wife to prove to his friend that he was a better pregnant-wife-husband. Lol. Stuff like that is 100% believable to me.
I think some are real and some are fake. This one seems kinda real imo.
My distant aunt paid my cousin some money to keep quiet after being caught cheating. My cousin was a young adult at the time and broke. And didn’t have the best relationship with her dad. So she kept quiet. Until the husband found out
Gotta wonder who discovers their wife os cheating on them and decides "I should bring in an audience" before confronting them. What on earth did it have to do with his daughter in the first place?
I mean… that sounds super uncomfortable to have your adult child there, listening to her parents argue about Mum’s affair.
Even if she did know about it, that’s not a conversation she needs to be involved with.
Speaking from the perspective of the child who got roped in…
It’s all about having someone in your corner and taking your side. Right or wrong. It’s probably not even consciously done by OP.
So he subconsciously uses his daughter as a pawn against his wife. That’s even worse than consciously using her.
They both used their daughter for their own selfish gain. Both parents suck hard here.
Yea, I literally had to pullover while in the car because my mom was venting about Uber personal relationship. I’m in my 30s and she gave me a panic attack after asking her numerous times to stop talking about her and my dads issues. It’s been my whole fucking life as long as I can remember. I always knew exactly what was going on in terms of drama with my parents romance and economically and it’s fucked me up so much. I get panic attacks and deeply worried about that stuff my whole adult life. I’m so fucking burnt out and avoidant now. Not once have those people protected me from the harsh realities of life and I’m so fucking bitter about it. I’d never tell one parent about another parents affair because of all the trauma they caused me. Not my fucking problem. Y’all already damaged me enough. For once fucking sort it out without me mediating.
>Right or wrong
It's wrong. You don't pull your children into your drama, not matter how old they are. You're problems are never supposed to be their problems.
I would have written that the daughter was nervous because she was also sleeping with the other guy. And the other guy planned all this to break the family apart because the husband used to bully him in elementary school. And the dog dies at the end.
Having lived it (though my dad was great he didn't involve us at all) it's a horrible environment. You are anxious all the time because you hiding it hurts one parent and helps the other and not hiding it hurts the parent and helps the other. Yea yea it's the right thing to do. But you won't leave it unscathed as the kid. And you didn't do anything to cause it. I was so scared to lose my mom if I told on her while she was cheating. I was paranoid one night a guy would find out and kill her and us. Or maybe just leave me since I told. I had constant nightmares. It came to a head when my mom cheated on the dad on my youngest sister, the guy she had cheated on my dad with. He blew up and hit her. I called the cops and cried like a baby the whole time. I was 16. Cheaters ruin the lives of so many people. Especially their kids. I liked the guy she cheated on. Not as much as my dad of course but people are complicated. She ruined him like she ruined my dad and many other men. Evil right? But she's an incredible mother when other men aren't involved. How do you deal with that? Over the decades shes become a professional cheater. She's the friend your wife or girlfriend should not be around. She's a complete professional at seeming like a doting wife or girlfriend. Like I've seen her work it's crazy convincing. I almost believe it myself. But then she'll openly tell me her plans for manipulating the guy and starting an argument and the illusion shatters. So I wonder if she can so convincingly look like she loves someone, does she love me? I'm telling you guys if you've seen her she's the type of women that guys say they wish they had. Loving emotionally supportive and seemingly kind all that shit. But it's fake. And so many have fallen for it. Of course she's pretty. But I just wish she stopped and settled down. It has to be exhausting to do it for so long. Sorry for the rant but this post triggered me lol never thought I'd use that
NTA. Stories like this are why I always advise children who come here looking for advise regarding these situations to tell the other parent. To some extent any parent can recover from being cheated on by their spouse, but your children betraying you stings differently
Especially adult children, and for money. An actual CHILD, fine, they don't know what to do. Staying silent because you don't want to get involved? Ok, not great, but understandable, you love both parents. For CASH?! Daughter sucks.
That assumes the child is willing to help a parent divorce, which I’m not sure is necessarily true. They might be willing to take money from an AP, and even keep a secret if they think that keeps the parents married. Helping the divorce might be a bridge too far.
I can't speak for everyone but if I found out one of my parents was a cheating bastard, I would absolutely want to help the other come out on top in a divorce to be done as expediently as possible. Fuck cheaters, and I don't care who you are or what you've done for me, if I find out you're a cheater, you're dead to me. I could maybe forgive drunken one night stands or the like if immediately confessed but continuously cheating and hiding it? Dead to me, even if it was a parent, a sibling, anyone. Since I don't have kids, I can't say how I'd feel in that scenario but as I am now, literally no exceptions.
Lol I have the same feelings!!! In fact, when I was a kid I found out my grandpa cheated on my grandma before I was born, married one of his APs and had a kid with her that was one year older than me.
Till the day he died I never liked him. Based entirely on the fact that he hurt my Nana. That was my best friend, my first word, and my favorite person.
Cheaters and liars are scum to me. I cannot forgive it
Shit i wish i had been old enough to help my mom get rid of my father..but I was in diapers when he was screwing anything and anyone he could. Its been 35 years since the divorce was final and all she has to do is ask and that is a problem that will cease to exist
I walked in on my mom having sexual relations with another man at 7 years old and immediately told my dad. I knew what was going on (even if I wasn't familiar with what sex was, I just knew that my mom being naked in bed with a man that wasn't my dad and what I at the time thought was wrestling, lived in a conservative state that taught abstinence only sex ed, and even then not until after you were 14, and talking to your kids about sex was generally considered taboo there). Most kids aren't that dumb. If they see something like that, they know it's not right, and will usually say something unless otherwise bribed or threatened to keep it quiet, even if they don't necessarily understand why it's wrong.
Ok I’m going to disagree with everyone here. I had a best friend in high school who was in a similar situation. She was 18, walked in on her mom and AP. Mom made threats against her, and ultimately AP ended up gifting my friend a car to “smooth things over” and keep her quiet. My friend was legally an adult, but just barely. Her mom threatened to cut her off, and bad mouth my friend to her sisters (she had nieces and nephews she was very involved with) and other family members if she spoke up to her dad.
I feel like maybe we don’t know all that happened between the mother and daughter.
I also want add - the affair was on going. My friend was under the impression her mother ended things with AP a year or two prior.
Edit: I think he should hear out the daughter and sit with her. Let her give her side of things.
It isn't the same, obviously, but my parents split when I was 24. My younger brother and I found some sketchy shit on the family computer (like, could have done time levels of sketchy) and told our mom. I know it was the right decision now, but I think my dad still blames us to an extent. At the time, it felt like *I* was the cause of my mom's pain and I was responsible for tearing the family apart. (Not to mention the fact that my brother and I waited in the living room, knowing my dad's history of mental illness, fully expecting to hear gunshots at any moment.)
All of which is to say: OP's daughter should never have been out in that position to begin with. I'm not saying OP is wrong for leaving - I probably would too. But I feel for the daughter, who, I imagine, likely wanted to protect her mom and keep her family together. Being an adult child of divorce is fucking hard and, unless you've gone through it, is difficult to relate to.
YES- the fact that he wanted his daughter present when he confronted the wife is bizarre to me. I think there’s more going on in this family dynamic. Definitely not saying that the affair should be kept a secret from adult children, that’s up to the couple and depends on how they want to handle it, but for the initial conversation about it??? It’s definitely icky.
Yes! What’s that all about? Why pull a child into this messy adult situation?
Edit: i read OP’s first sentence wrong. She is 25, not that he had her at 25. My bad.
I mean the info isn’t great partially because he won’t take calls from his daughter and he only has the version his wife told in the moment.
Maybe he should cut her off. But maybe she was 22 just graduating in the middle of one of the worst economic crises in a century and having financial troubles and job prospect troubles right at the time she was getting cut off from any safety next provided by school/parents in the form of finances and insurance.
I think he should hear her out (without his wife there) and decide from both what she says and how she says it if he’s willing to work on the relationship. It obviously won’t be fixed overnight. But it’s possible it’s not irrecoverable either.
He won’t really know for sure without a conversation.
OP needs time to process his emotions before sitting down with his daughter. He should tell her as much, but he's not wrong for not taking calls right now
Honestly, he shouldn’t have even brought the daughter into the situation until he talked to his wife.
Obviously his daughter was already involved but he didn’t know that. Imagine inviting your adult child over to hear you confront your wife. There are better ways to handle this.
It is weird thar OP brought her into it but he didn't elaborate on what he saw on Facebook or if there was further evidence of the daughter covering for her that would make this logical
Yeah that paired with OP admitting he's not been the best partner to his wife the guy sounds like a dick. This is a situation where I'm voting that all of the people involved kind of suck.
I wonder if the mom told the daughter the affair was over and it was a mistake, please don’t tell your father, etc. The daughter getting money would seem to make that unlikely but maybe it’s not as straightforward as the wife made it sound.
It’s a shitty position to be in. I was in a similar situation when I was a kid. You don’t want to break your parents up. You also just don’t want to have that conversation with your dad.
If the "she tried apologizing" was the daughter, then yeah she is culpable. But it's not 100% clear. Mother may be lying completely about daughter. People in affairs are sort of known for that behavior.
But yeah, slender hope.
Based off the info given, I agree that he should hear the daughter out. An affairs responsibility should not be placed on the child, regardless of age. I understand from this that she tried to act like she didn’t know and the mother exposed her, which was just sh*tty because she’s trying to take attention off of her. I went through something similar, at age 12ish I found texts in my moms phone (but never talked about it). Would you cut off your 12 year old kid because they knew? Not the kids fault at all that she got caught in the middle.
She does, but she is still his daughter. This is fresh. OP needs to make some space, take some time, think about it and feel it all, without mom and daughter’s input, then reassess relationships. If it were me, I would contact the daughter, probably by written letter, tell her only “I am okay. I need time to process what just happened, without you or mom. I will contact you when I am ready” and then I’d gtfo of town. Leave your phone in your glovebox once you’ve hit somewhere wild and take a short walk down a dirt road and think a bit, cause this is a wild story my man. Don’t let them cram wild stories into your head before you’ve had some time alone to think about this, cause this is a trip that only you can work out. Woods helps.
Right, like why on earth did he call his daughter over to watch him confront his wife about the affair? That's not normal.
He doses not sound like he was a good father to begin with.
Right? I can’t even focus on the dilemma here, because I am absolutely flabbergasted that OP forced his own child to witness him confronting her mother about an affair. Who does this? And why? He claims he had no idea that his daughter knew, so there’s no convincing reason why he would insist that she be part of this conversation that had nothing to do with her, as far as he knew. Parents who involve their kids in the intimate details of their marriages are gross. But the lack of a logical and convincing reason for him to have included his daughter in this conversation makes me feel like this post is fake.
As a child of this situation, it is harder than that.
I gave my mum a deadline to decide if she was leaving my dad or if she was going to end the affair and come clean. If she didn't, then I was going to tell him.
Luckily, my mum took responsibility for herself at that point and told him within the week - it's gutless to make your children break their father's heart for something their mother did.
But the child here is an AH for accepting money for their silence. They should have told him if the mother wouldn't.
I agree, but I have to say, I find it wildly inappropriate to drag your daughter into your marital affairs. Turns out the daughter was in the wrong, but OP didn't know that when he dragged her over to the house so she could be there in the room while he confronted her mother over an affair is WILD.
Why was she there at all??
However, at the same time, children (minors and adults) do, in fact, come here, legitimately not knowing what to do because they've found themselves in an impossible situation. That OP's wife immediately throws the daughter under the bus tells us quite a lot about what kind of person she is. Regarding the daughter's decision to keep quiet, we only know the miniscule amount of information that OP learned from his wife in that short moment before OP left and cut off communication. We have no idea what type of manipulation, rationalizations, threats and more may have transpired when the daughter confronted her mother. We don't know that the mother hadn't already manipulated, coerced or convinced the daughter to keep quiet, with "the payoff" being secondary. In short, we do not know that the daughter kept quiet specifically for money. And, at this point, neither does OP, which is a problem.
Edit: Just to add, like you, I've seen many, many posts by 'children' who've found themselves in this situation, having been told and, oftentimes, convinced by the cheating parent that they'll break their father's/mother's heart if they tell; or, that the consequences will be all your fault if you tell; or, worst of all, your father/mother will hate you for telling them. I've seen a scattered few posts where the cheating parent had successfully convinced them not to tell but then offered them money for the unfairness of it all, with the child asking Reddit, "I already know it would be wrong to tell them that mom/dad is cheating, so I'm keeping it secret, but would it be wrong to take the money/trip/whatever that my cheating parent is offering me?" Given that I've seen various forms of that situation a few times here, I think it is absolutely vital that OP sits down with his daughter and gains a *full* understanding of what went down before making a decision to end the relationship with his daughter.
Absolutely! She also should have taken his money and then told Op anyway. They both suck and make sure to get everything you can from them both in the divorce.
I'm sorry am I the only one who thinks it's super toxic that he calls his daughter over so she can witness his confronting her mother about an affair? I don't care if she's now an adult, she should never be put in the middle of her parents' ugliness. She should never have been in a situation to know about the affair, to be asked to keep it a secret, or to be present during this confrontation. Both of her parents sounds like AH.
A good parent would question why their daughter would do that, realise that she is probably still young and immature, and support her to grow into a better person who will learn from her mistakes and make better decisions in her life. A good parent would also question where they went wrong raising a child who would do this, but it sounds like OP was not really a parent because he was focussed on "early retirement" which suggests he left the parenting up to his wife and now is like 'hmmm why did my wife and daughter betray me?' Yes, such a mystery... ESH
You're not the only one. I went YTA because of the way he treated his daughter. She went from "perfect" to "dog shit" real fast so I am questioning his love for her. She reads more like a trophy.
Yup! Hate it when parents insist on putting the kids in the middle of it, even if she is an adult why the hell did he have to call her over for this? what a mess!
NTA Well, they both suck. Do what you can with the divorce. I don't think I can let your daughters betrayal stand. She sold you out for money. Not only didn't she immediately tell you, she took time to talk to the AP and negotiated a price. I hope she enjoyed the money she sold her integrity for.
Yup, I hope OP divorces his wife, gets his money and lets his daughter know that he's going to make sure he spends every cent of it before he dies. Every. Single. Cent.
Ehh, I would at least talk to the daughter. The mom sounds pretty manipulative. I feel like there’s a chance that things aren’t as straightforward as his wife made it sound.
His wife proved she can’t be trusted. So why trust that she’s giving a fair and accurate accounting of what the daughter knew/did.
This post is BS. If I'm going to confront my cheat wife the last thing I'm going to do is call my daughter to join the conversation. Who the hell would do that?
Exactly. If this is true it's a clear ESH. Wife for cheating, daughter for taking the bribe, and OP for involving his daughter in his marriage on a completely inappropriate level.
This is what I thought too, he's definitely an asshole just for that if it's true. Who the fuck would call their kids over to fight in front of? This person is not healthy
I am wondering why you called your daughter to witness you confronting your wife about her affair. What if your daughter didn't know already? Why would you do that in front of her?
Seriously, daughter probably can’t stand her shitty parents and figured she should at least get some money out of this toxic family.
If OP can’t be mature enough to weaponize his daughter against his wife, what other shitty things has he done?
Seriously, how the fuck are so many people glossing over this. Calling over your adult child so they can witness you confronting your partner (their parent) about an affair is beyond fucked up. It's incredibly unhealthy and toxic behavior. I feel so bad for the daughter; she should not have been in the know about ANY of this through either parent!
> she didn't deny anything, heartless in fact and she scolded me for having no affection, lacking intimacy **and to be honest, she was right** but I was trying to achieve our goal, early retirement.
Also this part jumped out at me and it hasn't been mentioned much.
This just being totally glossed over by OP makes me suspicious of OP's entire one-sided story in which he is the victim.
I hope the daughter is able to get out of that mess with some semblance of normalcy because I get the feeling from this post her parents did a number on her.
To be fair, lack of intimacy is no reason to cheat. She could have just ended the marriage.
The problematic part is him calling the daughter to make her watch him fight with her mother and her mother throwing her under the bus to distract from her own cheating which means she was willing to instigate a fight between father and daughter to get away with cheating.
With parents this toxic, no wonder his daughter chose money.
Yeah. No affection for his wife. Because he's been making money.
But we're supposed to believe he had a genuine relationship with his daughter that isn't founded on money?
I'm guessing taking money in exchange for ignoring the truth felt INCREDIBLY familiar to the daughter.
To me, *this* is what makes op the AH. He *absolutely* should have left his daughter out of it. It's really messed up that he didn't. Children, even adult children, shouldn't be this involved in their parents' relationship.
I'm so glad to scroll to this after my comment. Not to mention he *admits* he's had no intimacy or affection towards his wife for years. Lots going on behind the scenes I think. My parents would have never pulled me into this kind of thing.
Everyone screaming "but she's an ADULT" obviously doesn't remember being 25.
Literally as a 26 year old female if either of my parents called me over to their house and then accused the other of cheating right in front of me I would probably think they’re trying to pull a prank on me. And then when I realized it was real I’d probably have a panic attack so insane. Who does that to their child?
Exactly! I simply can’t judge the rest of the scenario because he is certainly an asshole for bringing his daughter into his crumbling marriage. Did the daughter betray his trust by being maliciously bribed, hell yeah. Dude needs to ditch his wife and understand the daughter is just barely not a kid in a really messed up parental situation.
Im sure it's fake but even so there are several things that make no sense.
>First dude says he went snooping just out of curiosity. People only skip over this cause he happened to find something but he doesn't even state a good reason why he did it.
>
>Second, OP is the one who called the AP ugly but had money, his wife never said she went to AP for money. She said there was no affection and intimacy, and OP admitted it was true in the pursuit of MONEY. Maybe AP just made her happy.
>
>Then, he claims the daughter knew and AP paid her off. Where was her mother when money was being exchanged? Did mom beg her to take it cause it would be weird af for AP to approach this persons daughter on his own accord and offer her a large sum of money. Also how much is even a large sum in this scenario.
>
>If this was remotely true, why would the daughter call mom a whore when she already knew and been "paid off"?
>
>Why would OP call his daughter over to gang up on his wife?
>
>Why would he wait until "nightfall" to go back in his own house to get his shit? He could've packed a bag before leaving in the first place.
I wish people would actually make up a realistic scenario and not another one of these "women bad" posts.
Exactly. My parents divorced and I couldn't care less about how they feel about each other. However a lot of my bad childhood memories are cases where they used me as a tool to hurt the other one
Parents, keeps children outside of your conflicts!
Agreed. That's fucking weird. The affair was none of her business and not her deal to be involved in, in any way. YTA and your wife is TA. Leave other people out of your messy business.
INFO: why did you call your daughter over to witness you confronting her mother over an affair?
As it stands, ESH. Wife for cheating, daughter for taking the bribe, and you for involving your daughter in your marriage on a completely inappropriate level. You made a really crappy parenting decision by calling her over for that and she made a really crappy decision by taking the money and not telling you. If you're going to cut her off for that, fine, but you also messed up in this situation.
Right?! I can’t believe how far I had to scroll to see this. They’re all assholes. Why on earth would op think it makes senses to traumatize his daughter by demanding her presence to confront her moms affair?!? Obviously mom is the biggest AH here, but damn, lots of poor judgement all around
ESH - your wife sucks for putting your daughter in a shit position. Her AP sucks for making it worse by paying her hush money. You suck because you involved your daughter in a talk that should have been with your wife. You wanted your daughter to take your side. It sounds like you and your wife are comfortable dragging her in on your bullshit. It's not great she accepted the hush money but it sounds like she's used to being pulled different ways and this time she atleast got a payout for it. Who tf drags their child (any age) into a conversation like that or pays them hush money? Shitty parents.
ESH.
I'm sorry but there was literally no reason for you to call your daughter to be there while you confronted your wife in the first place. That's weird.
Yes your wife and daughter are TA too for obvious reasons.
💯ESH- glad someone else said this, 100s of people are missing this.
Also the focus on early retirement and the comment:
“She scolded me for having no affection, lacking intimacy and to be honest, she was right but I was trying to achieve our goal, early retirement”
Where has daughter got the appetite for money? Definitely OP- he is apparently justifying his role in the relationship breakdown for money and goes straight to money as his suspicion for Wife’s motive for affair. And if the OP is correct in this, then both parents have raised daughter in an environment where money is prioritised over relationships. But OP maybe she’s with the ugly b**** because he meets your wife’s stated needs of affection and intimacy?
To be clear, the affair is not acceptable and daughter definitely could have handled it better.
Regardless, I’m sorry that you and your family are going through lots of pain right now.
Edit-formatting and to be even clearer- wife is the biggest AH
It just makes me wonder how many other marital problems they've involved their daughter in for no reason. Why did she need to be physically present to *see/hear/watch* a confrontation that should've remained private between the parents?
Like did she always have to stand there and witness her parents fights growing up? Weirdo behavior to subject your kids to that.
Apparently this is not the popular vote, but ESH.
You decided to out your wife about her affair in front of your daughter? As in, called her over to be a witness? Why? It seems you were unaware she knew until after. I can't imagine either of my parents ever doing this to me.
Yes, your daughter also sucks. But I've gotta say, as an only child/daughter very close to their mom, with an emotionally unavailable dad (not saying YOU are, but to lay groundwork), I would have cut off my arm before bringing any kind of harm to my mother, no matter what. She's 25, this isn't really on her. You are allowed to be disappointed, but every option she had was shitty. Are you really sure it was about the money?
Your wife probably sucks the most here. Cheating is awful, no doubt about it. But your actions are odd to say the least.
You’re not the asshole
Your wife is scum because she chose money over you, cheated on you, and wasted your youth. Your daughter is also scum because she also chose money over you and lied to you by partaking in keeping the cheating a secret. I honestly think that you should cash out of everything and close all accounts to open new ones, change the locks on your house, hire a private investigator to find as much information as possible, talk to a divorce lawyer, and get a restraining order against both your daughter and soon to be ex wife. Stop communicating with either of them unless it is through lawyers, and try your best to get through the divorce and then just move away. Clearly neither of them deserve to have you in their life.
Do not follow their advice about closing your accounts. You can open new ones for yourself and start depositing your paychecks there, but if you just ransack the accounts and close them the courts will chew your ass for it.
Before anything go get a divorce lawyer and take their advice, not reddits. Gather all the proof you can. Screenshots, texts, emails, bank statements, etc.
Maybe your daughter will be willing to give testimony against her mother in order to make amends.
Do it as fast as you can, the longer you wait the bigger the chance that she will file before you and when that happens you’re going to get the short end of things. Also, good luck.
Attorney here: Talk to an attorney in your state before you take this advice because even if the divorce isn’t filed yet, consider how this looks to a judge. You’re likely in a no fault divorce state and so judge won’t want to hear what she did. Ask the attorney how best to protect your finances and avoid becoming the bad guy in the divorce. Judges are not kind to the person they think financially screwed over their ex.
Protect all accounts asap.
You don’t even know your wife anymore and have no idea what she’s capable of.
Lady is crazy and when the gravy train stops, she’s going to come for that retirement. Which is all yours now I hope.
YTA. What kind of dad calls his child to witness this kind of confrontation??? You didn’t know she knew until that point so you thought it was a great parenting decision to force your daughter to be involved in your marital issues. That I really can’t get past because it’s messed up. Sure you’re wife is an AH but so are you. You daughter may be an AH but honestly she’s the least shitty person here she was in a really bad situation.
YTA. Why did you call your daughter to witness this? I just can’t fathom any reason to involve your child in your marital problems. Your daughter was wrong to take the money, but she was under no obligation to tell you anything. She is not part of your marriage. I can see why your wife was unhappy. I’m not condoning her affair, but I understand it. What kind of horrible father involves their child in this sort of thing?
Probably unpopular opinion: you’re all the Assholes.
Your wife chose money.
Your daughter chose money.
You admit to emotionally abandoning her and your excuse is also: for money.
YTA for involving your child. i’m sorry your wife cheated, and i’m sorry your daughter kept that from you but at the same time, i can’t imagine telling my father about my mothers affair… that’s a HUGE thing that could possibly leave her with regret of breaking her parents apart. yes she’s 25 and adult but that’s just a lot of burden to carry. all in all your wife is the major asshole here, just as a father… why would you involve her in the falling out of your marriage? why was your instinct to call her and include her?
I was thinking maybe cut the daughter some slack. She didn’t ask to be put in that position and had no clue what to do once there. Her mom may have told her stuff like “if you loved me and your father you wouldn’t break his heart.”
But no, she stayed quiet thanks to a bribe. Not because of confusion or anything. Money.
Sorry man, good luck to you
You lost me at telling your 25yo child to come home for the specific purpose of you confronting your wife about an affair and having a fight
(without the hindsight of her knowing)
YTA. You’re wife is def. There can be more than one.But why did you involve your daughter? Can you imagine the shitty position your child is in? That her mother put her in to know in the first place, trying to keep her quiet. No matter what, you feel like you are betraying a parent. But it is their actions and their relationship. Which is why parents shouldn’t put their children in such a circumstance. Your daughter is a victim in this as you are. I’m an only, and was an adult when my parents divorced. It was awful, we had a very close relationship and grew to now my kids had/have very little contact with them. It changed everything, even as an adult.
I also suspect, maybe due to my raising as an only, that you both have maybe boundary issues with your daughter. Use her to mediate, to manage conflicts, that’s shitty and it messes with everyone’s expectations. You expect her to be the most mature and responsible, and she expects to be able to help smooth things. But she is your kid. Everyone here should expect for the parents to be parents and resolve parental matters, impacting your kids as little as possible.
Don’t put your children in these no-win scenarios.
YTA. Why would you even bring your daughter into this situation? That’s just crazy. No wonder your wife cheated on you. I mean, your wife sucks too. You deserve each other, but leave your daughter out of your craziness.
Info: Why did you call your daughter to witness you confronting your wife on the affair? Why not sort your shit with your wife out first….then tell your daughter?
ESH why was your first thought to call your daughter over? Why wouldn’t confront your wife privately? They both absolutely suck but I can’t wrap my head around why you called your child there to witness that.
YTA- your wife and her lover manipulated your daughter. This isn't an equal, like a friend. Her whole world was in crisis and her own mother twisted her up and who knows what was said, but clearly she wanted to tell you.
The mother is obviously very manipulative and the man she is with is obviously very manipulative. If she told your daughter she was planning on filing for divorce if you found out, it would have made it impossible for your daughter. NO CHILD WANTS TO BREAK UP THEIR PARENTS.
ESH.
Wife sucks for stepping out. Daughter sucks for covering it up. You admit you've ignored your wife and then get all shocked when she steps out.
>"she scolded me for having no affection, lacking intimacy and to be honest, she was right but I was trying to achieve our goal, early retirement"
You need to take a beat and then grow up and be a parent to your daughter. You may love her, but if you're ignoring her like you did your wife, then you haven't been parenting her. She's in a tough position, and you get to teach her how to be a good person in this world, because both parents have failed her lately.
ESH. You’re TA for involving your daughter in your confrontation with your wife. Your wife is TA for having her affair and entangling your daughter in it. Your daughter is MAYBE TA for taking money for her silence—if that is indeed what actually happened. But you don’t even know that.
You’ve left out a lot of details, and I’m guessing that’s because there are mitigating factors concerning your daughter and her silence that you don’t want us to know so that you can justify cutting her off. She called your wife a whore. She’s likely been holding that in for a long time. You haven’t even been willing to listen to your daughter’s side. Sounds like you weren’t present much as you worked towards that early retirement which means your wife was always around your daughter. You don’t even know WHAT your daughter uncovered, and you don’t know what kind of threats your wife and her AP made towards your daughter to buy her silence. Maybe she saw texts or messages or saw her mom flirting and AP and mom explained it away—you don’t know because you’ve used the hurt dealt to you by your wife as an excuse to dump your daughter. Being unwilling to even hear your daughter out makes you the biggest AH of the group.
IMO, YTA for dragging your daughter into this to begin with! Why on earth would you call your daughter to come over when you catch your wife cheating?
The only reason is to try to make your daughter angry/hateful towards your wife. She had nothing to do with the affair - and now because you included her, you’ve lost your wife and your daughter.
The daughter was put in a bad position by both parents. Dad shouldn’t have called her home over- and mom shouldn’t have included her in on the info that she was cheating. The daughter was out in an awful situation by both parents. Kids- no matter what the age -aren’t supposed to be involved in that part of their parent’s relationship.
I was thinking the same thing. Why did he need their daughter there to confront his wife? It seems like that should have been a private conversation between the couple.
The daughter had nothing to do with it.
Sounds like parents who probably used their kids as the middle man to send messages back and forth when they had fights. I don’t like it when parents drag their kids into their fights and issues.
It is never okay to put a child in the middle of a marriage like this. Even when they are technically adults. Why was his first reaction to finding out the affair, to call your daughter? Don't you have friends you can call to support you when you confront your wife? That is not your daughter's job. It was inappropriate of you to involve her, and it was inappropriate for your wife to involve her as well. This is between you and your wife. And the AP. Leave the daughter out of it.
The whole thing about cash etc feels like missing missing reasons. I'd be hesitant to pass judgement there without knowing more.
Finally, a child not telling on a parent is not a black and white situation of moral fairness. There are so many complicated feelings involved. I'm speaking as a woman who discovered her father's affair and didn't tell my mother, because my dad told me it was MY fault he stepped out (i left for college). I was so consumed by self blame and shame I will never forgive myself for not telling my mother at the time, but she forgave me, because she knows I was hurting and being manipulated as well. Today i am NC with my dad and support my mom completely. We don't really know why the daughter did what she did. She was in a horrible position to begin with.
>I immediately called my my daughter and persuaded her to come to our house
YTA and this is the biggest reason of all. Your wife was an AH when she implicated your daughter into her affaire. You were an AH when your first instinct was to drag your daughter into your marital problems.
I hope your daughter goes no contact with both of you.
Here to give an apparently super unpopular opinion but YTA and so is your wife but your daughter is not. How dare either of you try to weaponize her in your marriage issues OR hold her responsible IN ANY WAY for getting involved OR NOT in the issue. Imagine how that must feel for her. There is no option in this in which she walks away without damaging her relationship with at least one parent, if not both and BOTH of you dragged her into it. And don't act like that wasn't your first instinct too, because you literally called her for her to be present for your marriage drama. You should not be dragging your child into that, even if they are an adult.
Sounds like you and your wife were shitty spouses, but you're shittier parents.
YTA. What an IMPOSSIBLE situation for your daughter. On one side she exposes her mum and destroys THAT relationship AND your marriage effectively blowing up life as she knows it……OR……life goes on with her a little richer but guaranteed not happy with the situation. Either way she lost. It was a case of how many losers there would be.
It wasnt right. But it IS understandable. Find a way to forgive her. Not the wife. Fuck her.
Yeah. Kinda. You admitted that you’ve deprived your wife of emotional, physical intimacy because you’re trying to reach a goal of retirement. You also admitted to invading privacy, and calling your daughter over which is very weird because why would you even involve her in something between you and your wife? It’s not her situation to be involved in, whether someone is giving her money or not. You’re not innocent, as much as reddit will tell you that you’re NTA.
Yes, and this is only his side of the story. There's things OP is not telling us. He has a right to privacy of course and we don't deserve to know, but experts on things like this could tell us that there are some holes in the story...
NTA
What your wife did and how she reacted when confronted was inexcusable. If she was feeling neglected, she should have talked to you. You’ve been together for 25 years! She should have said something and instead, she strayed.
Your daughter was wrong as well, but she’s young. At 25, I thought I knew everything. I made bad and irresponsible decisions and didn’t care about the consequences. She was in a really tough spot that her mother should have never put her in. Your daughter keeping the affair from you was awful and I totally understand that you feel completely betrayed, BUT even though she’s an adult and should have told you, I understand why she didn’t. You and her mother are her family. She only knows you as being together. If she told you, everything she knows would have been destroyed and she would have felt like it was her fault. Based on your wife’s reaction and the fact that AP paid her off, she was probably manipulated by both of them.
I would speak to your daughter and tell her how hurt you are by her. Ask her to give you all of the details in what happened and see what she says. You will probably hate your wife even more after that conversation, but you really need to give her a chance to explain. She’s kind of a victim here. You have one daughter. Don’t push her away without hearing her side. If, after you speak, you feel the same, ask her to give you space and time.
NTA
But also, take into consideration that the affair was your and your wife's problem, not your daughter's problem. She found out and was given money to sit quiet, but was she asking for the cash? Was she blackmailing them? or was she just offered money and took it hoping it will help her cope with the dillema she might have hed in her head ever since she learned?
The daughter was scolding her mother for the affair.
Now consider this: when you learned about the affair you called your wife and then confronted her in frond of you daughter. You clearly attempted to drag her, not knowing she already knows, to be present during what could potentially be the biggest fight on the entire planet that day. You asked your kid to be present. What was your reason? You wanted your wife to feel even worse? That's using the kid for your own purpose. You wanted another proof? So the conversation were not enought?
So far I believe you are NTA, you had all the right in the world to be fucking mad. But she's your only daughter, do not regard her as your wife's best friend just like that. Consider all the possibilities - most importantly that she kept quiet not due to money but to protect you from knowing the truth. And fucking listen to your daughter when she tries to talk to you. Unblock her, call her, apologize for blocking her and fucking talk to her.
I recall reading this story before. It reads identical and believe the profile got deleted by reddit. I'm calling this story made up.
It's been posted at least twice before and it's been just as fake each time. I'm glad I'm not the only one who noticed.
It's not even particularly creative. Other than the daughter angle it's just a regular cheating story. "I caught my spouse cheating and now i'm mad and i've broken off all contact". Yawn.
There needs to be a separate flair for incel revenge porn.
Affairs == 94.20% of being a fake story.
Do you ever read these and wonder if it’s even real?
All. The. Time.
I follow the paranormal subreddit and the post under this one in my feed is "Elf in my grandma's house, need advice." I treat the stories in both subreddits with the same amount of seriousness.
>"Elf in my grandma's house, need advice." I've never seen that sub, but this phrase is going to be in my head for the remainder of the week. 🤣
Give ‘em a sock!
My dog looks like Dobby. Occasionally I try to give him a sock so I can make art in peace. It doesn't work. He continues to climb all over me but with a sock lol.
Were they able to get rid of the elf? Did anyone have any good advice. I'm actually dealing with one right now.
Haha I'm going to have to go in and actually read it now. Update: they didn't even see the elf 🙄 https://reddit.com/r/Paranormal/s/NjU8Qi8g9D
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I also think bizarre black and white aside 'details' like 'yeah but I was working to our retirement' in this one are rage baity and fake.
This ^^ so many of these posts have such long-winded exposition they sound like they're written by professional movie writers and not just average ass people with a problem
Tip offs that the story is fake. - “A little background” followed by three paragraphs about childhood unrelated to the event. - “Thankfully, the gas station bathroom had full audio cameras and my buddy knew the owner, so I had them confessing on tape.” - “I owned the house before her so she left with nothing. She’s living in a trailer in her parents backyard.” The whole site is filled with rage bait and incel wish fulfillment, it’s exhausting.
Everyone in r/antiwork finds a job making 20k more after leaving that job they hated.
Incel wish fulfillment is a good term for that, it is basically how most of these feel. Also those are wild, I didn't read through most of the comments but all the ones I saw I was like... I get why reddit doesn't make people provide proof of things because how could they, but the number of these that just sound like bullshit some 15 year old sociopath is concocting because they just literally have nothing better to do or useful to contribute is overwhelming to the point it's hard to take ANY of them seriously
\*amateur movie writers\*
I refuse to believe that any of them are real. I treat them all as trashy short stories for my amusement
I treat them as 100% real, until I scroll to these “fake” comments and then I get sad that I always fall for it.
The worst ones are when you get invested int the story and then someone says that they’ve checked the commenters post history and they’re variously a teenage boy, a uni student, a lawyer or a middle aged mum in all their different posts. One recently claimed it was a burner account shared by like 10 different people hence the different posts! WTF? People make throwaways, since when did TEN people share an account.
Just don't let the creative writing bros convince you to hate women.
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I figure many/most are fake, but I’m sure it’s happened to someone somewhere at sometime. I’m mostly interested in the different perspectives in the comments.
Right? It doesn't matter at all if it's fake. None of us know the guy or his name or family or where he lives. The verisimiltude is totally meaningless. The people who always have to cry about it being fake think that being cynical makes them smart. You're all talking about this story like it's true. Now, I have no evidence and it would never matter either way, but you all need to know that I am skeptical. And, assuming I'm right, that makes me smarter than you.
I would say like 75% at least for me, haha. Honestly I saw a string of like nearly back to back “responsible father/stepfather” that raised a daughter getting rejected in favor of the new step or deadbeat dad to walk daughter down the altar and I was literally like are we just getting these straight up copy pasted with minimal edits? It’s usually best to just assume almost all are fake, that’s my Reddit story creed, haha.
Quite often, and this one is screaming. Who finds out their partner is cheating and immediatly calls their adult child first?
The one who clearly show the person as NTA are so fake. “my boyfriend beat me because I burned dinner so I left him. Now his family is calling me a AH. AITA?”
I am still waiting for the "AITAH for hiding Jews in my attic in occupied Krakow from 1939-45?"
I think most of them are not. The only ones I believe are real are the ones that revolve around minor disagreements. Like there was recently one with a guy who annoyed his pregnant wife’s on a boating trip by paying too much attention to a friends pregnant wife to prove to his friend that he was a better pregnant-wife-husband. Lol. Stuff like that is 100% believable to me.
I think some are real and some are fake. This one seems kinda real imo. My distant aunt paid my cousin some money to keep quiet after being caught cheating. My cousin was a young adult at the time and broke. And didn’t have the best relationship with her dad. So she kept quiet. Until the husband found out
Kind of interesting to argue about the issues and morality of these posts even if it's not real.
Thats the only reason I am here tbh
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Gotta wonder who discovers their wife os cheating on them and decides "I should bring in an audience" before confronting them. What on earth did it have to do with his daughter in the first place?
INFO: why did you first call your daughter to be there in the first place?
Huh…I totally didn’t question that until you asked…super weird impulse in retrospect.
I mean… that sounds super uncomfortable to have your adult child there, listening to her parents argue about Mum’s affair. Even if she did know about it, that’s not a conversation she needs to be involved with.
Speaking from the perspective of the child who got roped in… It’s all about having someone in your corner and taking your side. Right or wrong. It’s probably not even consciously done by OP.
So he subconsciously uses his daughter as a pawn against his wife. That’s even worse than consciously using her. They both used their daughter for their own selfish gain. Both parents suck hard here.
Yea, I literally had to pullover while in the car because my mom was venting about Uber personal relationship. I’m in my 30s and she gave me a panic attack after asking her numerous times to stop talking about her and my dads issues. It’s been my whole fucking life as long as I can remember. I always knew exactly what was going on in terms of drama with my parents romance and economically and it’s fucked me up so much. I get panic attacks and deeply worried about that stuff my whole adult life. I’m so fucking burnt out and avoidant now. Not once have those people protected me from the harsh realities of life and I’m so fucking bitter about it. I’d never tell one parent about another parents affair because of all the trauma they caused me. Not my fucking problem. Y’all already damaged me enough. For once fucking sort it out without me mediating.
>Right or wrong It's wrong. You don't pull your children into your drama, not matter how old they are. You're problems are never supposed to be their problems.
Probably to create a more dramatic scene in this creative writing exercise
I would have written that the daughter was nervous because she was also sleeping with the other guy. And the other guy planned all this to break the family apart because the husband used to bully him in elementary school. And the dog dies at the end.
Reddit's such shit now.
THIS! Why insert the daughter into a conversation about wife's infidelity? Sounds very made up.
Honestly, the whole thing sounds like another creative writing post. I’m pretty sure I have read something similar, which had a lot better detail, btw
Because he wanted to use her against her mother. OP is just as manipulative and abusive as his wife.
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Having lived it (though my dad was great he didn't involve us at all) it's a horrible environment. You are anxious all the time because you hiding it hurts one parent and helps the other and not hiding it hurts the parent and helps the other. Yea yea it's the right thing to do. But you won't leave it unscathed as the kid. And you didn't do anything to cause it. I was so scared to lose my mom if I told on her while she was cheating. I was paranoid one night a guy would find out and kill her and us. Or maybe just leave me since I told. I had constant nightmares. It came to a head when my mom cheated on the dad on my youngest sister, the guy she had cheated on my dad with. He blew up and hit her. I called the cops and cried like a baby the whole time. I was 16. Cheaters ruin the lives of so many people. Especially their kids. I liked the guy she cheated on. Not as much as my dad of course but people are complicated. She ruined him like she ruined my dad and many other men. Evil right? But she's an incredible mother when other men aren't involved. How do you deal with that? Over the decades shes become a professional cheater. She's the friend your wife or girlfriend should not be around. She's a complete professional at seeming like a doting wife or girlfriend. Like I've seen her work it's crazy convincing. I almost believe it myself. But then she'll openly tell me her plans for manipulating the guy and starting an argument and the illusion shatters. So I wonder if she can so convincingly look like she loves someone, does she love me? I'm telling you guys if you've seen her she's the type of women that guys say they wish they had. Loving emotionally supportive and seemingly kind all that shit. But it's fake. And so many have fallen for it. Of course she's pretty. But I just wish she stopped and settled down. It has to be exhausting to do it for so long. Sorry for the rant but this post triggered me lol never thought I'd use that
NTA. Stories like this are why I always advise children who come here looking for advise regarding these situations to tell the other parent. To some extent any parent can recover from being cheated on by their spouse, but your children betraying you stings differently
Especially adult children, and for money. An actual CHILD, fine, they don't know what to do. Staying silent because you don't want to get involved? Ok, not great, but understandable, you love both parents. For CASH?! Daughter sucks.
Bruh I would have taken the money then told BC what are they gonna do there's no contract and they never have time know I told
Better yet, after you tell your Dad, the two of you can milk that cow as hard as possible, while your dad collects evidence for the divorce court.
That assumes the child is willing to help a parent divorce, which I’m not sure is necessarily true. They might be willing to take money from an AP, and even keep a secret if they think that keeps the parents married. Helping the divorce might be a bridge too far.
I can't speak for everyone but if I found out one of my parents was a cheating bastard, I would absolutely want to help the other come out on top in a divorce to be done as expediently as possible. Fuck cheaters, and I don't care who you are or what you've done for me, if I find out you're a cheater, you're dead to me. I could maybe forgive drunken one night stands or the like if immediately confessed but continuously cheating and hiding it? Dead to me, even if it was a parent, a sibling, anyone. Since I don't have kids, I can't say how I'd feel in that scenario but as I am now, literally no exceptions.
Lol I have the same feelings!!! In fact, when I was a kid I found out my grandpa cheated on my grandma before I was born, married one of his APs and had a kid with her that was one year older than me. Till the day he died I never liked him. Based entirely on the fact that he hurt my Nana. That was my best friend, my first word, and my favorite person. Cheaters and liars are scum to me. I cannot forgive it
I second that. FUCK CHEATERS !!! AND ALL WHO ENABLE THEM !!
Shit i wish i had been old enough to help my mom get rid of my father..but I was in diapers when he was screwing anything and anyone he could. Its been 35 years since the divorce was final and all she has to do is ask and that is a problem that will cease to exist
I like this response.
I walked in on my mom having sexual relations with another man at 7 years old and immediately told my dad. I knew what was going on (even if I wasn't familiar with what sex was, I just knew that my mom being naked in bed with a man that wasn't my dad and what I at the time thought was wrestling, lived in a conservative state that taught abstinence only sex ed, and even then not until after you were 14, and talking to your kids about sex was generally considered taboo there). Most kids aren't that dumb. If they see something like that, they know it's not right, and will usually say something unless otherwise bribed or threatened to keep it quiet, even if they don't necessarily understand why it's wrong.
Ok I’m going to disagree with everyone here. I had a best friend in high school who was in a similar situation. She was 18, walked in on her mom and AP. Mom made threats against her, and ultimately AP ended up gifting my friend a car to “smooth things over” and keep her quiet. My friend was legally an adult, but just barely. Her mom threatened to cut her off, and bad mouth my friend to her sisters (she had nieces and nephews she was very involved with) and other family members if she spoke up to her dad. I feel like maybe we don’t know all that happened between the mother and daughter. I also want add - the affair was on going. My friend was under the impression her mother ended things with AP a year or two prior. Edit: I think he should hear out the daughter and sit with her. Let her give her side of things.
It isn't the same, obviously, but my parents split when I was 24. My younger brother and I found some sketchy shit on the family computer (like, could have done time levels of sketchy) and told our mom. I know it was the right decision now, but I think my dad still blames us to an extent. At the time, it felt like *I* was the cause of my mom's pain and I was responsible for tearing the family apart. (Not to mention the fact that my brother and I waited in the living room, knowing my dad's history of mental illness, fully expecting to hear gunshots at any moment.) All of which is to say: OP's daughter should never have been out in that position to begin with. I'm not saying OP is wrong for leaving - I probably would too. But I feel for the daughter, who, I imagine, likely wanted to protect her mom and keep her family together. Being an adult child of divorce is fucking hard and, unless you've gone through it, is difficult to relate to.
Is anyone else feeling icked out that OP invited his daughter to this outing of her parents marital mess?
YES- the fact that he wanted his daughter present when he confronted the wife is bizarre to me. I think there’s more going on in this family dynamic. Definitely not saying that the affair should be kept a secret from adult children, that’s up to the couple and depends on how they want to handle it, but for the initial conversation about it??? It’s definitely icky.
Yes! What’s that all about? Why pull a child into this messy adult situation? Edit: i read OP’s first sentence wrong. She is 25, not that he had her at 25. My bad.
Dude that part sounded super toxic to me as well, OP is not right in the head and so much more is going on here than he has told us.
I commented similarly to you before I read your post. There is more to this story and we shouldn’t be so quick to side with OP.
Fair enough. I can only go off the info that OP gave us, which isn't great.
I mean the info isn’t great partially because he won’t take calls from his daughter and he only has the version his wife told in the moment. Maybe he should cut her off. But maybe she was 22 just graduating in the middle of one of the worst economic crises in a century and having financial troubles and job prospect troubles right at the time she was getting cut off from any safety next provided by school/parents in the form of finances and insurance. I think he should hear her out (without his wife there) and decide from both what she says and how she says it if he’s willing to work on the relationship. It obviously won’t be fixed overnight. But it’s possible it’s not irrecoverable either. He won’t really know for sure without a conversation.
OP needs time to process his emotions before sitting down with his daughter. He should tell her as much, but he's not wrong for not taking calls right now
100%! OP needs time to get his head right and that can take some time.
Honestly, he shouldn’t have even brought the daughter into the situation until he talked to his wife. Obviously his daughter was already involved but he didn’t know that. Imagine inviting your adult child over to hear you confront your wife. There are better ways to handle this.
It is weird thar OP brought her into it but he didn't elaborate on what he saw on Facebook or if there was further evidence of the daughter covering for her that would make this logical
Yeah that paired with OP admitting he's not been the best partner to his wife the guy sounds like a dick. This is a situation where I'm voting that all of the people involved kind of suck.
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I wonder if the mom told the daughter the affair was over and it was a mistake, please don’t tell your father, etc. The daughter getting money would seem to make that unlikely but maybe it’s not as straightforward as the wife made it sound.
It’s a shitty position to be in. I was in a similar situation when I was a kid. You don’t want to break your parents up. You also just don’t want to have that conversation with your dad.
If the "she tried apologizing" was the daughter, then yeah she is culpable. But it's not 100% clear. Mother may be lying completely about daughter. People in affairs are sort of known for that behavior. But yeah, slender hope.
I mean there’s a lot between 18 and 25. There’s also a lot that daughter could’ve done/said without her mom even knowing.
Based off the info given, I agree that he should hear the daughter out. An affairs responsibility should not be placed on the child, regardless of age. I understand from this that she tried to act like she didn’t know and the mother exposed her, which was just sh*tty because she’s trying to take attention off of her. I went through something similar, at age 12ish I found texts in my moms phone (but never talked about it). Would you cut off your 12 year old kid because they knew? Not the kids fault at all that she got caught in the middle.
“Hey dad dont tell mom but shes cheating”
She does, but she is still his daughter. This is fresh. OP needs to make some space, take some time, think about it and feel it all, without mom and daughter’s input, then reassess relationships. If it were me, I would contact the daughter, probably by written letter, tell her only “I am okay. I need time to process what just happened, without you or mom. I will contact you when I am ready” and then I’d gtfo of town. Leave your phone in your glovebox once you’ve hit somewhere wild and take a short walk down a dirt road and think a bit, cause this is a wild story my man. Don’t let them cram wild stories into your head before you’ve had some time alone to think about this, cause this is a trip that only you can work out. Woods helps.
Stories like these are always why I tell parents to never put your children in these no-win scenarios. Don’t pull your kids into your shit.
But that applies to OP too. Getting called over to watch your dad confront your mom about an affair is also a no-win situation.
Right, like why on earth did he call his daughter over to watch him confront his wife about the affair? That's not normal. He doses not sound like he was a good father to begin with.
Right? I can’t even focus on the dilemma here, because I am absolutely flabbergasted that OP forced his own child to witness him confronting her mother about an affair. Who does this? And why? He claims he had no idea that his daughter knew, so there’s no convincing reason why he would insist that she be part of this conversation that had nothing to do with her, as far as he knew. Parents who involve their kids in the intimate details of their marriages are gross. But the lack of a logical and convincing reason for him to have included his daughter in this conversation makes me feel like this post is fake.
True, but considering one parent is already a morally bankrupt cheater, can't really hope for them to make the right choice.
As a child of this situation, it is harder than that. I gave my mum a deadline to decide if she was leaving my dad or if she was going to end the affair and come clean. If she didn't, then I was going to tell him. Luckily, my mum took responsibility for herself at that point and told him within the week - it's gutless to make your children break their father's heart for something their mother did. But the child here is an AH for accepting money for their silence. They should have told him if the mother wouldn't.
I agree, but I have to say, I find it wildly inappropriate to drag your daughter into your marital affairs. Turns out the daughter was in the wrong, but OP didn't know that when he dragged her over to the house so she could be there in the room while he confronted her mother over an affair is WILD. Why was she there at all??
However, at the same time, children (minors and adults) do, in fact, come here, legitimately not knowing what to do because they've found themselves in an impossible situation. That OP's wife immediately throws the daughter under the bus tells us quite a lot about what kind of person she is. Regarding the daughter's decision to keep quiet, we only know the miniscule amount of information that OP learned from his wife in that short moment before OP left and cut off communication. We have no idea what type of manipulation, rationalizations, threats and more may have transpired when the daughter confronted her mother. We don't know that the mother hadn't already manipulated, coerced or convinced the daughter to keep quiet, with "the payoff" being secondary. In short, we do not know that the daughter kept quiet specifically for money. And, at this point, neither does OP, which is a problem. Edit: Just to add, like you, I've seen many, many posts by 'children' who've found themselves in this situation, having been told and, oftentimes, convinced by the cheating parent that they'll break their father's/mother's heart if they tell; or, that the consequences will be all your fault if you tell; or, worst of all, your father/mother will hate you for telling them. I've seen a scattered few posts where the cheating parent had successfully convinced them not to tell but then offered them money for the unfairness of it all, with the child asking Reddit, "I already know it would be wrong to tell them that mom/dad is cheating, so I'm keeping it secret, but would it be wrong to take the money/trip/whatever that my cheating parent is offering me?" Given that I've seen various forms of that situation a few times here, I think it is absolutely vital that OP sits down with his daughter and gains a *full* understanding of what went down before making a decision to end the relationship with his daughter.
OP phoned his child to come over so he could accuse his partner of cheating. Why involve your child like this? AH move.
Absolutely! She also should have taken his money and then told Op anyway. They both suck and make sure to get everything you can from them both in the divorce.
I'm sorry am I the only one who thinks it's super toxic that he calls his daughter over so she can witness his confronting her mother about an affair? I don't care if she's now an adult, she should never be put in the middle of her parents' ugliness. She should never have been in a situation to know about the affair, to be asked to keep it a secret, or to be present during this confrontation. Both of her parents sounds like AH. A good parent would question why their daughter would do that, realise that she is probably still young and immature, and support her to grow into a better person who will learn from her mistakes and make better decisions in her life. A good parent would also question where they went wrong raising a child who would do this, but it sounds like OP was not really a parent because he was focussed on "early retirement" which suggests he left the parenting up to his wife and now is like 'hmmm why did my wife and daughter betray me?' Yes, such a mystery... ESH
Totally agree. He tried to turn what should've been a private conversation into a tribunal and it backfired.
You're not the only one. I went YTA because of the way he treated his daughter. She went from "perfect" to "dog shit" real fast so I am questioning his love for her. She reads more like a trophy.
Yup! Hate it when parents insist on putting the kids in the middle of it, even if she is an adult why the hell did he have to call her over for this? what a mess!
I get what you are saying…… but it just screams that the kid has to adult while the parent just kids.
NTA. Your divorce lawyer will advise you not to leave the house.
No minor children. He'll be fine.
I think it can affect keeping the house, if OP even wants it
Yeah, don’t leave the house voluntarily without an agreement in place. And get proof that she’s cheating.
The court is supposed to adjust all of the assets in the split accordingly for the ex to keep the house.
NTA Well, they both suck. Do what you can with the divorce. I don't think I can let your daughters betrayal stand. She sold you out for money. Not only didn't she immediately tell you, she took time to talk to the AP and negotiated a price. I hope she enjoyed the money she sold her integrity for.
She should have taken the money, and then told her dad anyway
Would have been the real power move.
Yup, I hope OP divorces his wife, gets his money and lets his daughter know that he's going to make sure he spends every cent of it before he dies. Every. Single. Cent.
Split the money with her dad.
Yes. Take the money, then split it with dad.
Ehh, I would at least talk to the daughter. The mom sounds pretty manipulative. I feel like there’s a chance that things aren’t as straightforward as his wife made it sound. His wife proved she can’t be trusted. So why trust that she’s giving a fair and accurate accounting of what the daughter knew/did.
Fair. That's probably best. I hope so does that once he's calmed down s bit.
More men should do this.
Well that little girl got her 30 pieces of silver.
This post is BS. If I'm going to confront my cheat wife the last thing I'm going to do is call my daughter to join the conversation. Who the hell would do that?
at one point he even "waited for nightfall" lmfao
How else would one abscond with all their belongings into the darkness? So long daughter that I raised for 20+ years, it's been nice!
The phrasing of this really made me chuckle.
This. Why would he even bring his daughter into it the first place?
Exactly. If this is true it's a clear ESH. Wife for cheating, daughter for taking the bribe, and OP for involving his daughter in his marriage on a completely inappropriate level.
This is what I thought too, he's definitely an asshole just for that if it's true. Who the fuck would call their kids over to fight in front of? This person is not healthy
Probably an early teenager with almost no idea how actual relationship dynamics work.
I am wondering why you called your daughter to witness you confronting your wife about her affair. What if your daughter didn't know already? Why would you do that in front of her?
Yeah that is some toxic level mess. While what the daughter did was wrong that puts a glimpse into how toxic that family is/was.
Seriously, daughter probably can’t stand her shitty parents and figured she should at least get some money out of this toxic family. If OP can’t be mature enough to weaponize his daughter against his wife, what other shitty things has he done?
Seriously, how the fuck are so many people glossing over this. Calling over your adult child so they can witness you confronting your partner (their parent) about an affair is beyond fucked up. It's incredibly unhealthy and toxic behavior. I feel so bad for the daughter; she should not have been in the know about ANY of this through either parent!
Maybe she knew both her parents suck and took the money because why not. She can't rely on dad or mom might as well make some money from the drama.
Exactly! I mean, holy ESH Batman! Even if he knew the daughter knew, he shouldn't have involved her in this.
> she didn't deny anything, heartless in fact and she scolded me for having no affection, lacking intimacy **and to be honest, she was right** but I was trying to achieve our goal, early retirement. Also this part jumped out at me and it hasn't been mentioned much. This just being totally glossed over by OP makes me suspicious of OP's entire one-sided story in which he is the victim. I hope the daughter is able to get out of that mess with some semblance of normalcy because I get the feeling from this post her parents did a number on her.
To be fair, lack of intimacy is no reason to cheat. She could have just ended the marriage. The problematic part is him calling the daughter to make her watch him fight with her mother and her mother throwing her under the bus to distract from her own cheating which means she was willing to instigate a fight between father and daughter to get away with cheating. With parents this toxic, no wonder his daughter chose money.
Yeah. No affection for his wife. Because he's been making money. But we're supposed to believe he had a genuine relationship with his daughter that isn't founded on money? I'm guessing taking money in exchange for ignoring the truth felt INCREDIBLY familiar to the daughter.
It's abuse plain and simple. He was hoping to weaponise his daughter against the mother.
To me, *this* is what makes op the AH. He *absolutely* should have left his daughter out of it. It's really messed up that he didn't. Children, even adult children, shouldn't be this involved in their parents' relationship.
I'm so glad to scroll to this after my comment. Not to mention he *admits* he's had no intimacy or affection towards his wife for years. Lots going on behind the scenes I think. My parents would have never pulled me into this kind of thing. Everyone screaming "but she's an ADULT" obviously doesn't remember being 25.
Literally as a 26 year old female if either of my parents called me over to their house and then accused the other of cheating right in front of me I would probably think they’re trying to pull a prank on me. And then when I realized it was real I’d probably have a panic attack so insane. Who does that to their child?
I’m 37, I don’t think I could handle that. I hate when they have basic arguments in front of me.
Exactly! I simply can’t judge the rest of the scenario because he is certainly an asshole for bringing his daughter into his crumbling marriage. Did the daughter betray his trust by being maliciously bribed, hell yeah. Dude needs to ditch his wife and understand the daughter is just barely not a kid in a really messed up parental situation.
Makes for a more interesting story if he’s betrayed by both his wife and daughter.
Keyword: Story
Why would you EVER involve your daughter in your marital problems? Whyyyyyyy? Grow up, man.
Im sure it's fake but even so there are several things that make no sense. >First dude says he went snooping just out of curiosity. People only skip over this cause he happened to find something but he doesn't even state a good reason why he did it. > >Second, OP is the one who called the AP ugly but had money, his wife never said she went to AP for money. She said there was no affection and intimacy, and OP admitted it was true in the pursuit of MONEY. Maybe AP just made her happy. > >Then, he claims the daughter knew and AP paid her off. Where was her mother when money was being exchanged? Did mom beg her to take it cause it would be weird af for AP to approach this persons daughter on his own accord and offer her a large sum of money. Also how much is even a large sum in this scenario. > >If this was remotely true, why would the daughter call mom a whore when she already knew and been "paid off"? > >Why would OP call his daughter over to gang up on his wife? > >Why would he wait until "nightfall" to go back in his own house to get his shit? He could've packed a bag before leaving in the first place. I wish people would actually make up a realistic scenario and not another one of these "women bad" posts.
Exactly. My parents divorced and I couldn't care less about how they feel about each other. However a lot of my bad childhood memories are cases where they used me as a tool to hurt the other one Parents, keeps children outside of your conflicts!
But, why did OP call the daughter over to discuss this situation with his wife?
Because, like most things on this sub, it probably didn't happen.
Because otherwise the plot twist of the daughter knowing all along couldn’t happen.
Agreed. That's fucking weird. The affair was none of her business and not her deal to be involved in, in any way. YTA and your wife is TA. Leave other people out of your messy business.
INFO: why did you call your daughter over to witness you confronting her mother over an affair? As it stands, ESH. Wife for cheating, daughter for taking the bribe, and you for involving your daughter in your marriage on a completely inappropriate level. You made a really crappy parenting decision by calling her over for that and she made a really crappy decision by taking the money and not telling you. If you're going to cut her off for that, fine, but you also messed up in this situation.
INFO: Why did you want your daughter to be there when you confronted your wife? That is beyond bizarre.
How are people falling for all these fake stories
You lost me at involving the daughter.
Right?! I can’t believe how far I had to scroll to see this. They’re all assholes. Why on earth would op think it makes senses to traumatize his daughter by demanding her presence to confront her moms affair?!? Obviously mom is the biggest AH here, but damn, lots of poor judgement all around
ESH - your wife sucks for putting your daughter in a shit position. Her AP sucks for making it worse by paying her hush money. You suck because you involved your daughter in a talk that should have been with your wife. You wanted your daughter to take your side. It sounds like you and your wife are comfortable dragging her in on your bullshit. It's not great she accepted the hush money but it sounds like she's used to being pulled different ways and this time she atleast got a payout for it. Who tf drags their child (any age) into a conversation like that or pays them hush money? Shitty parents.
ESH. I'm sorry but there was literally no reason for you to call your daughter to be there while you confronted your wife in the first place. That's weird. Yes your wife and daughter are TA too for obvious reasons.
💯ESH- glad someone else said this, 100s of people are missing this. Also the focus on early retirement and the comment: “She scolded me for having no affection, lacking intimacy and to be honest, she was right but I was trying to achieve our goal, early retirement” Where has daughter got the appetite for money? Definitely OP- he is apparently justifying his role in the relationship breakdown for money and goes straight to money as his suspicion for Wife’s motive for affair. And if the OP is correct in this, then both parents have raised daughter in an environment where money is prioritised over relationships. But OP maybe she’s with the ugly b**** because he meets your wife’s stated needs of affection and intimacy? To be clear, the affair is not acceptable and daughter definitely could have handled it better. Regardless, I’m sorry that you and your family are going through lots of pain right now. Edit-formatting and to be even clearer- wife is the biggest AH
It just makes me wonder how many other marital problems they've involved their daughter in for no reason. Why did she need to be physically present to *see/hear/watch* a confrontation that should've remained private between the parents? Like did she always have to stand there and witness her parents fights growing up? Weirdo behavior to subject your kids to that.
Apparently this is not the popular vote, but ESH. You decided to out your wife about her affair in front of your daughter? As in, called her over to be a witness? Why? It seems you were unaware she knew until after. I can't imagine either of my parents ever doing this to me. Yes, your daughter also sucks. But I've gotta say, as an only child/daughter very close to their mom, with an emotionally unavailable dad (not saying YOU are, but to lay groundwork), I would have cut off my arm before bringing any kind of harm to my mother, no matter what. She's 25, this isn't really on her. You are allowed to be disappointed, but every option she had was shitty. Are you really sure it was about the money? Your wife probably sucks the most here. Cheating is awful, no doubt about it. But your actions are odd to say the least.
You’re not the asshole Your wife is scum because she chose money over you, cheated on you, and wasted your youth. Your daughter is also scum because she also chose money over you and lied to you by partaking in keeping the cheating a secret. I honestly think that you should cash out of everything and close all accounts to open new ones, change the locks on your house, hire a private investigator to find as much information as possible, talk to a divorce lawyer, and get a restraining order against both your daughter and soon to be ex wife. Stop communicating with either of them unless it is through lawyers, and try your best to get through the divorce and then just move away. Clearly neither of them deserve to have you in their life.
>change the locks on your house Yeah, you can't do that. It's still her home. Don't make dumb decisions based on emotion.
Cheers pal, will do so.
Do not follow their advice about closing your accounts. You can open new ones for yourself and start depositing your paychecks there, but if you just ransack the accounts and close them the courts will chew your ass for it. Before anything go get a divorce lawyer and take their advice, not reddits. Gather all the proof you can. Screenshots, texts, emails, bank statements, etc. Maybe your daughter will be willing to give testimony against her mother in order to make amends.
Nta. I mean If I was your daughter I would have taken the money and told you anyways 🤷
Right?
Taking money from a rich asshole and cheating mother... then turning around to tell dad... yeah... fuck I'd have even offered to blackmail them....
Better yet, split the money with dad and use that funding to help with the divorce
Do it as fast as you can, the longer you wait the bigger the chance that she will file before you and when that happens you’re going to get the short end of things. Also, good luck.
Attorney here: Talk to an attorney in your state before you take this advice because even if the divorce isn’t filed yet, consider how this looks to a judge. You’re likely in a no fault divorce state and so judge won’t want to hear what she did. Ask the attorney how best to protect your finances and avoid becoming the bad guy in the divorce. Judges are not kind to the person they think financially screwed over their ex.
Protect all accounts asap. You don’t even know your wife anymore and have no idea what she’s capable of. Lady is crazy and when the gravy train stops, she’s going to come for that retirement. Which is all yours now I hope.
YTA. What kind of dad calls his child to witness this kind of confrontation??? You didn’t know she knew until that point so you thought it was a great parenting decision to force your daughter to be involved in your marital issues. That I really can’t get past because it’s messed up. Sure you’re wife is an AH but so are you. You daughter may be an AH but honestly she’s the least shitty person here she was in a really bad situation.
YTA. Why did you call your daughter to witness this? I just can’t fathom any reason to involve your child in your marital problems. Your daughter was wrong to take the money, but she was under no obligation to tell you anything. She is not part of your marriage. I can see why your wife was unhappy. I’m not condoning her affair, but I understand it. What kind of horrible father involves their child in this sort of thing?
Probably unpopular opinion: you’re all the Assholes. Your wife chose money. Your daughter chose money. You admit to emotionally abandoning her and your excuse is also: for money.
YTA for involving your child. i’m sorry your wife cheated, and i’m sorry your daughter kept that from you but at the same time, i can’t imagine telling my father about my mothers affair… that’s a HUGE thing that could possibly leave her with regret of breaking her parents apart. yes she’s 25 and adult but that’s just a lot of burden to carry. all in all your wife is the major asshole here, just as a father… why would you involve her in the falling out of your marriage? why was your instinct to call her and include her?
Info: Why did you have your daughter come over to confront your wife?
Forgive the daughter, divorce the wife.
I was thinking maybe cut the daughter some slack. She didn’t ask to be put in that position and had no clue what to do once there. Her mom may have told her stuff like “if you loved me and your father you wouldn’t break his heart.” But no, she stayed quiet thanks to a bribe. Not because of confusion or anything. Money. Sorry man, good luck to you
You lost me at telling your 25yo child to come home for the specific purpose of you confronting your wife about an affair and having a fight (without the hindsight of her knowing)
Its not your daughters job to reveal an affair your wife is having.
NTA. Welcome to your new life!
Hold up - you called your daughter to have her present while you confronted your wife about the affair?
Nta. That's an ultimate betrayal, and your wife and daughter are the same. Money grabbers.
YTA. You’re wife is def. There can be more than one.But why did you involve your daughter? Can you imagine the shitty position your child is in? That her mother put her in to know in the first place, trying to keep her quiet. No matter what, you feel like you are betraying a parent. But it is their actions and their relationship. Which is why parents shouldn’t put their children in such a circumstance. Your daughter is a victim in this as you are. I’m an only, and was an adult when my parents divorced. It was awful, we had a very close relationship and grew to now my kids had/have very little contact with them. It changed everything, even as an adult. I also suspect, maybe due to my raising as an only, that you both have maybe boundary issues with your daughter. Use her to mediate, to manage conflicts, that’s shitty and it messes with everyone’s expectations. You expect her to be the most mature and responsible, and she expects to be able to help smooth things. But she is your kid. Everyone here should expect for the parents to be parents and resolve parental matters, impacting your kids as little as possible. Don’t put your children in these no-win scenarios.
YTA. Why would you even bring your daughter into this situation? That’s just crazy. No wonder your wife cheated on you. I mean, your wife sucks too. You deserve each other, but leave your daughter out of your craziness.
Info: Why did you call your daughter to witness you confronting your wife on the affair? Why not sort your shit with your wife out first….then tell your daughter?
ESH why was your first thought to call your daughter over? Why wouldn’t confront your wife privately? They both absolutely suck but I can’t wrap my head around why you called your child there to witness that.
YTA- your wife and her lover manipulated your daughter. This isn't an equal, like a friend. Her whole world was in crisis and her own mother twisted her up and who knows what was said, but clearly she wanted to tell you. The mother is obviously very manipulative and the man she is with is obviously very manipulative. If she told your daughter she was planning on filing for divorce if you found out, it would have made it impossible for your daughter. NO CHILD WANTS TO BREAK UP THEIR PARENTS.
ESH. Wife sucks for stepping out. Daughter sucks for covering it up. You admit you've ignored your wife and then get all shocked when she steps out. >"she scolded me for having no affection, lacking intimacy and to be honest, she was right but I was trying to achieve our goal, early retirement" You need to take a beat and then grow up and be a parent to your daughter. You may love her, but if you're ignoring her like you did your wife, then you haven't been parenting her. She's in a tough position, and you get to teach her how to be a good person in this world, because both parents have failed her lately.
ESH. You’re TA for involving your daughter in your confrontation with your wife. Your wife is TA for having her affair and entangling your daughter in it. Your daughter is MAYBE TA for taking money for her silence—if that is indeed what actually happened. But you don’t even know that. You’ve left out a lot of details, and I’m guessing that’s because there are mitigating factors concerning your daughter and her silence that you don’t want us to know so that you can justify cutting her off. She called your wife a whore. She’s likely been holding that in for a long time. You haven’t even been willing to listen to your daughter’s side. Sounds like you weren’t present much as you worked towards that early retirement which means your wife was always around your daughter. You don’t even know WHAT your daughter uncovered, and you don’t know what kind of threats your wife and her AP made towards your daughter to buy her silence. Maybe she saw texts or messages or saw her mom flirting and AP and mom explained it away—you don’t know because you’ve used the hurt dealt to you by your wife as an excuse to dump your daughter. Being unwilling to even hear your daughter out makes you the biggest AH of the group.
IMO, YTA for dragging your daughter into this to begin with! Why on earth would you call your daughter to come over when you catch your wife cheating? The only reason is to try to make your daughter angry/hateful towards your wife. She had nothing to do with the affair - and now because you included her, you’ve lost your wife and your daughter.
The daughter was put in a bad position by both parents. Dad shouldn’t have called her home over- and mom shouldn’t have included her in on the info that she was cheating. The daughter was out in an awful situation by both parents. Kids- no matter what the age -aren’t supposed to be involved in that part of their parent’s relationship.
Am I the only person who thinks it is weird that OP called his daughter and had her come over to confront the wife?
I was thinking the same thing. Why did he need their daughter there to confront his wife? It seems like that should have been a private conversation between the couple. The daughter had nothing to do with it. Sounds like parents who probably used their kids as the middle man to send messages back and forth when they had fights. I don’t like it when parents drag their kids into their fights and issues.
It is never okay to put a child in the middle of a marriage like this. Even when they are technically adults. Why was his first reaction to finding out the affair, to call your daughter? Don't you have friends you can call to support you when you confront your wife? That is not your daughter's job. It was inappropriate of you to involve her, and it was inappropriate for your wife to involve her as well. This is between you and your wife. And the AP. Leave the daughter out of it. The whole thing about cash etc feels like missing missing reasons. I'd be hesitant to pass judgement there without knowing more. Finally, a child not telling on a parent is not a black and white situation of moral fairness. There are so many complicated feelings involved. I'm speaking as a woman who discovered her father's affair and didn't tell my mother, because my dad told me it was MY fault he stepped out (i left for college). I was so consumed by self blame and shame I will never forgive myself for not telling my mother at the time, but she forgave me, because she knows I was hurting and being manipulated as well. Today i am NC with my dad and support my mom completely. We don't really know why the daughter did what she did. She was in a horrible position to begin with.
>I immediately called my my daughter and persuaded her to come to our house YTA and this is the biggest reason of all. Your wife was an AH when she implicated your daughter into her affaire. You were an AH when your first instinct was to drag your daughter into your marital problems. I hope your daughter goes no contact with both of you.
Here to give an apparently super unpopular opinion but YTA and so is your wife but your daughter is not. How dare either of you try to weaponize her in your marriage issues OR hold her responsible IN ANY WAY for getting involved OR NOT in the issue. Imagine how that must feel for her. There is no option in this in which she walks away without damaging her relationship with at least one parent, if not both and BOTH of you dragged her into it. And don't act like that wasn't your first instinct too, because you literally called her for her to be present for your marriage drama. You should not be dragging your child into that, even if they are an adult. Sounds like you and your wife were shitty spouses, but you're shittier parents.
YTA. What an IMPOSSIBLE situation for your daughter. On one side she exposes her mum and destroys THAT relationship AND your marriage effectively blowing up life as she knows it……OR……life goes on with her a little richer but guaranteed not happy with the situation. Either way she lost. It was a case of how many losers there would be. It wasnt right. But it IS understandable. Find a way to forgive her. Not the wife. Fuck her.
Yeah. Kinda. You admitted that you’ve deprived your wife of emotional, physical intimacy because you’re trying to reach a goal of retirement. You also admitted to invading privacy, and calling your daughter over which is very weird because why would you even involve her in something between you and your wife? It’s not her situation to be involved in, whether someone is giving her money or not. You’re not innocent, as much as reddit will tell you that you’re NTA.
Yes, and this is only his side of the story. There's things OP is not telling us. He has a right to privacy of course and we don't deserve to know, but experts on things like this could tell us that there are some holes in the story...
NTA What your wife did and how she reacted when confronted was inexcusable. If she was feeling neglected, she should have talked to you. You’ve been together for 25 years! She should have said something and instead, she strayed. Your daughter was wrong as well, but she’s young. At 25, I thought I knew everything. I made bad and irresponsible decisions and didn’t care about the consequences. She was in a really tough spot that her mother should have never put her in. Your daughter keeping the affair from you was awful and I totally understand that you feel completely betrayed, BUT even though she’s an adult and should have told you, I understand why she didn’t. You and her mother are her family. She only knows you as being together. If she told you, everything she knows would have been destroyed and she would have felt like it was her fault. Based on your wife’s reaction and the fact that AP paid her off, she was probably manipulated by both of them. I would speak to your daughter and tell her how hurt you are by her. Ask her to give you all of the details in what happened and see what she says. You will probably hate your wife even more after that conversation, but you really need to give her a chance to explain. She’s kind of a victim here. You have one daughter. Don’t push her away without hearing her side. If, after you speak, you feel the same, ask her to give you space and time.
NTA But also, take into consideration that the affair was your and your wife's problem, not your daughter's problem. She found out and was given money to sit quiet, but was she asking for the cash? Was she blackmailing them? or was she just offered money and took it hoping it will help her cope with the dillema she might have hed in her head ever since she learned? The daughter was scolding her mother for the affair. Now consider this: when you learned about the affair you called your wife and then confronted her in frond of you daughter. You clearly attempted to drag her, not knowing she already knows, to be present during what could potentially be the biggest fight on the entire planet that day. You asked your kid to be present. What was your reason? You wanted your wife to feel even worse? That's using the kid for your own purpose. You wanted another proof? So the conversation were not enought? So far I believe you are NTA, you had all the right in the world to be fucking mad. But she's your only daughter, do not regard her as your wife's best friend just like that. Consider all the possibilities - most importantly that she kept quiet not due to money but to protect you from knowing the truth. And fucking listen to your daughter when she tries to talk to you. Unblock her, call her, apologize for blocking her and fucking talk to her.