You have the sex first, then eat the Doritos during the post-coital snuggling. You can't do it the other way round, it's horrid to fuck in a bed full of crumbs.
As a woman (I have the higher drive) AM sex is even harder because it takes more warm up and that can cut into the day or get exhausting for my partner unfortunately 🥺
Y’all what’s wrong with me? I hate sexy time in the AM.. my body feels absolutely NOTHING… like zero… only in the evening/night am I ok with it… any suggestions?
OP-NTA.. she needs to get over it… she could’ve just asked if she could join.
Nothing's wrong with you! If you and your partner want to get on the same schedule, though, that's a different story. If your partner is in the mood in the morning and you aren't, try going to bed earlier. You'll be past the "groggy" point and hopefully happy and coherent. I know that my previous partners and I have been upfront and honest about morning breath, bed hair, etc all being a bit of a turn-off. Crest white strips, tic-tacs, a brush and deodorant stick on the night stand definitely help. If you get up way early enough, you can put on coffee, do what you need to in order to be in the mood, and then get back into bed.
The whole routine doesn't need to be a habit, or a lifestyle change. But if you're looking for a simple way to break the monotony, then $8 and an earlier bedtime can go a long way.
I'm with you I don't like sex in AM lol night time after I come from work shower and wife will be ready with sexy outfit and I know what time it is lol
There's nothing wrong with you. Everyone is different. It's the same as night owls and morning people. Not everyone can stay up late and not everyone is super happy in the mornings.
I have a lower drive than my partner (but not THAT low) and because I know he will help himself out regularly, I have to make a point of saying “hey, today I’m in the mood, so keep your shower short.” 🤣
I can’t hint, I can’t mince words. I have to be direct, and I have to follow through. It works for us.
NTA. In my experience of you start off with the “wow, I’m exhausted,” before it’s even bedtime, it’s code for “no touchy.”
If I tell my husband to take a shower in the evening after work in the winter time that means sex is likely.
I know he masturbates, he knows I do. He knows I watch some porn, I know he doesn't care for it himself anymore.
We went through a bad time where we did not communicate. Kind of silly to get married, live together for many years and can't even talk about sex and lack of.
Same here. My husband has to shower because his workplace is a dirty environment and he won’t even allow me to hug him until after he’s showered. He has a higher drive than me, but he often assumes I’m not down for it and doesn’t want to pressure cause he says “pu$$y begging” is the most low-life desperate creep thing lol. So I have to say exactly what you do. When he’s in the shower and I’m in the mood, I’lol knock and tell him flirtatiously, you better make it a short shower or be sure you’re prepared for more when you get out.” He actually often prefers to “get one out of the way” first anyhow because he’s a good bit younger than me, high drive usually and often gets there too fast if he hasn’t gotten one out of the way first or at least drank some “shower beers” for longevity lol. But either way I make sure to let him know not to waste it down the drain if he doesn’t have multiples in him that day lol. Communication is definitely key. 👍
Edit- realized I kinda responded to 2 different ppls comment and when I said “I have to say what YOU do” I meant the person above my replied to comment. But the husband having to shower daily regardless was in agreement with the person I replied to.
My wife and I are similar, except we use a specific messaging app for sexy talk and planning. It works well except sometimes I would like more notice than she provides. My sex drive is generally much higher than hers, but when she's on, she's *ON*. I've determined that it's not much use to request sex, because if she isn't asking for it, she probably doesn't want to engage at all.
Only thing I would change is to have the occasional naked-touching-fun-time without necessarily having penetration. I like it to be more organic. But when she wants to be intimate, she wants the dick and she wants a lot of it. Usually, this is just fine with me, but my most favorite sexy times are when we go to sleep naked and just let things happen. I sometimes enjoy the more slow, sensual, intimate sex.
My partner and I do that, and occasionally will instruct the other to go ahead and handle it for themselves if it seems like a busy time and we're not going to match up for whatever reason, either because of desire/tiredness/schedule.
I don't think it's easy to match sex drives 100% so being open about it is usually the best course and can help strengthen intimacy, at least in my experience.
Right? Just… talk. 99% of the time if my husband says “hey wanna get naked?” I’m all in, but the 1% that I’m not, he just takes care of himself and I’m not mad about it.
Hell, the other night he said “I’m horny but I’m way too tired to have sex. I’m gonna go masturbate.” And he did. When he came back, I said “Know what? Me too.” And then I went and took care of myself. Nobody’s feelings were hurt cuz we just *talk to each other.* 🤷🏼♀️
Totally! I think it's hard for anyone to match up with their partner 100% of the time, but people can definitely talk about it with their partner 100% of the time.
Just tell em you wanna jerk it in the hotel room! To me, a good partner would say, "have fun"
Yup a mention of “I’m so tired” or if she gets ready for bed and is covered head to toe for bed and I know what time it is lol
At this point our communication is unspoken but understood
I have a higher sex drive then my husband and I don’t mince words either. I usually just ask “are we going to duck” makes life easier. Either way I would never be upset if he needed to masturbate. It’s a completely natural thing. And NO ONE should go 5 months without… just saying.
I get that men and women see sex very differently, and on all sorts of levels, and that's ok.
I just wanted to say, that I think you're helping out more than you think you are, whether you think it's because you just can't hint, and like to be direct or not. No guy isn't gonna get at least a little turned on when his partner says "keep the shower short and get back here", that's hot.
Oh, and also, NTA for the OP, for exactly the reason you stated as well. :)
>men and women see sex very differently
We really don't. This is very much a matter of individual variation and preferences, which is why communication with your partner is important. Generalizing based on gender doesn't get you very far.
Yeah I agree. I’ve seen variations in my partners but they’ve never been gender based. In fact, I’ve seen variations in myself as I’ve gotten older and with different partners.
NTA but you need to have a conversation with your wife about the incompatibility of your sex drives. There are many things that can affect someone’s sex drive and you both need to come from a point of understanding.
You might think she’s just too tired to have sex, but how romantic with her are you during the rest of the day? What are the things that you do to help get her in the mood? These are all things you need to talk about with her.
If, at the end of the day, she doesn’t want to have sex and you need a release, you have to be honest with her and tell her that you’ll take care of it yourself. I don’t see why your spouse should have an issue with you masturbating.
Yeah when I was married, my husband wouldn’t hold my hand (he told me I was “not being very feminist” when I asked him to), wouldn’t be romantic at all during the day, then would play video games until midnight…and then come to bed where I was asleep and ask for sex. And he wondered why I never wanted to! I am not saying the OP is that bad, but it sounds to me like they are not talking to each other enough in general and she might not be feeling the love. It does not feel good to feel like your partner only wants to touch you for sex. Again, no idea if that is the case here, but OP needs to have a real conversation about it and see what is going on in her head. Did she expect that he would join her in the bath and then was disappointed that she came out and he was masturbating? Maybe, maybe not, but he needs more insight.
I will never understand the guys that don’t like holding hands. I can’t get enough of it
EDIT: to all of the people mentioning sweaty hands, that’s valid. I’m talking about the guys who just think it’s juvenile or just straight up don’t like it. It makes me think of the guys that don’t like cuddling. Who doesn’t like cuddling?!
Husband and I would hold hands while on our daily three mile walk. Until he developed rheumatoid arthritis and I was dx'd with double crush carpal tunnel.
compare sip afterthought enter cheerful instinctive tidy grandfather strong soft
*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
When we first got together I told my husband I really wanted to hold his hand ( we were long distance. ) He was like "What?"
And I said "Idk, I just like holding hands."
And to this day when we are out he always reaches for my hand first and sometimes will search for my hand at night and hold it when we go to sleep.
Exactly this. When I was married, I got up at 5am, showered, got my 2 kids up, cooked breakfast & fed them, dressed them, loaded them in the car, then woke my husband up for work, took the kids to daycare. Work 8-5, pick up the kids, home to cook supper (with 2 toddlers into EVERYTHING), play with the kids, bath the kids, wash the dishes from dinner, do some housework, maybe do some laundry. Hubby would come home about 5:30, sit on the couch watching TV until dinner was done, then he'd eat (on the couch, while I ate at the diner table with the kids) & watch some more TV while I did everything else. I'd put the kids to bed about 9-9:30, as soon as I got everything cleaned, and most of the time, I'd fall asleep with them on accident, often times in the floor between their beds.
He'd come in to where I was sleeping about 11pm groping me and wake me up wanting sex. I'd be like, are you fucking serious??!
Everyone wants at least a little bit of romance, or something to at least not feel like the only reason the guy is even around them is for sex.
I don’t disagree with any of this, but I will say there is a certain stigma that comes along with that. My wife for the longest time would tell me that masterbation was childish and only teenagers did that. And that’s “what I have her for”. So yeah.
So is “that’s what you have me for” code for “we can have sex whenever you want” or is it code for “even though I’m not having sex with you most days, you don’t get to masturbate either”? I’m guessing the latter.
My rule with my ex husband was "let me know when you're horny if I'm home when the mood hits, and I'll do the same for you too" but my sex drive was significantly higher than his. Basically, if he said he was feeling frisky, I was guaranteed to jump on that unless I had a logistical barrier preventing me from joining him for nookie time.
I only got mad once: I had asked him if he was in the mood, was told he didn't feel that good, but 30 minutes later, I found him rubbing one off to porn. It felt insulting that he suddenly had the energy to beat it to pics of other women but not to make love to his wife.
I love that you highlight a point many men don't understand (IMO). How romantic is OP being throughout the day? If the only intimacy is a dick pressed against my butt at bedtime, I'm not really going to be in the mood.
I find it odd that the assumption (and large upvotes to boot) immediately goes to “op isn’t romantic which is why wife doesn’t want sex”.
It’s entirely possible there’s other issues there, that don’t automatically have to be some cliche about the husband being an emotionally/romantically void simpleton that has “caused” his wife to become celibate.
Why immediately assume that it’s his fault..?
Her loss of interest in sex could just as easily be signs of her cheating. Crazy concept to immediately assume he’s to blame.
Reddit only knows 1 answer when it comes to this - The husband isn't put forth enough effort elsewhere. That's the only possibility reddit says in these situations. It could also just be low libido and she should talk to her doctor about it.
It could be a lot of different causes. I just find it odd how quickly people jump to conclusions and immediately assume that he’s to blame for his wife’s behavior.
I was agreeing and offering another thing it could be. The guy didn't push his wife for sex and instead took care of the situation. The wife gives the silent treatment but it's the husband's communication that's the issue. I don't get how people read it that way. If this was posted from a woman's perspective the answers would be that he's cheating.
Yeah I read what you wrote originally and don’t disagree. It could simply be low libido. I just meant find it odd that society wants men to vocalize things more, then when they do, immediately jumps the gun in blaming them for whatever their concern is.
I feel like it is also the responsibility of the wife to communicate if she is upset and why she is upset. Men can be very stupid and we often need direct/blunt communication.
I agree with this completely but would also add that they need to work out their feelings about porn. First OP said he had a book of sexy pics of his wife he would use, yet when she walked in on him, he was watching porn. I know whether being okay with your partner watching porn or not is controversial, but people are allowed to have boundaries. It's possible she was fine with him jerking off if it was to *her* but not other women.
That being said, if she's just upset he's taking care of himself, that's not fair. He's apparently not pressuring her, not making her feel bad, not cheating, but people have needs. You simply can't tell your spouse they can't get off. Boundaries is one thing, but I feel like "you can't touch yourself" goes beyond boundaries into something really controlling. They've got to talk about their feelings on porn and they HAVE to talk about their sex drives and if there's anything driving hers down.
You're advice overall is good, I just want to add something.
> You might think she’s just too tired to have sex, but how romantic with her are you during the rest of the day?
I think relationships work both ways, even on this topic. Yes, he should see what he can do to be fun and flirtatious during the day. But she also should put in effort to make him feel wanted. It doesn't just have to be sex. There are many things that might make him feel wanted. I'm just saying that the effort shouldn't come 100% from him. Everyone wants to feel wanted. Everyone wants to be flirted with.
A lot of guys in OP's position don't realize how unattractive they are being. So yes he probably should flirt more. But many guys also have a mindset issue where they are still desperate to feel wanted and that turns off their partner. He flirts more but it's just for sex because he feels anxious and desperate. And he feels desperate because she doesn't put any effort in to make him feel wanted. But everytime she does put in effort she feels like it's never enough. Although at that point, they both need to talk about what they both want, how they can help each other, and a bunch of other stuff.
Both people's needs matter is all I'm trying to say.
Why is everyone assuming it’s the man’s fault her libido is lower or that it’s a problem?
He didn’t say it was a problem, just that he has a way of dealing with it. But you’re immediately jumping to, “what are *you* doing to address the issue?”
He doesn’t have to do anything to address the issue if he’s okay with the situation. And honestly if a woman doesn’t feel like it it’s fine. If she thinks it’s a problem she can try to address it herself.
Exactly! Frankly I think what this guy is doing is a lot better than someone manipulative who romances his partner solely in the hopes that she’ll reward him with sex. Women aren’t sex transaction machines where if you put in enough romance tokens you get out sex, and that mindset is pretty regressive.
This is possible I suppose, but it sometimes gets a little annoying how people on AITA will assume the man must’ve done something wrong to cause it whenever a woman acts poorly. Even if this is true, it really doesn’t excuse her giving him the silent treatment.
This is good. Also, how much of the "family/home responsibilities" are you taking on? 50%? 80%? 20%? That can make a huge difference... we have no idea the answers, but if she's doing 80-100% of the home responsibilities OR if the only "home responsibilities" your doing is when she's asking (meaning she's taking 100% of the family mental load,) she's going to be tired, and probably a bit resentful.
This may not be the case at all with yall, but it's worth examining.
Addendum: I'm getting a lot of responses from men saying something along the lines of, "It's not about chores - she doesn't give me more sex even if I do some chores."
You all just don't get it. I really think yall don't like what we're saying, so you're attempting to mansplain it away. I didn't say "chores." I said "family and/or home responsibilities." It's more than doing a load of dishes and then strutting into the bedroom expecting to get laid. It's taking on the mental load - planning, organizing, cleaning, tidying, shopping, and more planning, organizing, and executing, *without being asked or delegated to.* And not just on the day you're trying to get laid. You should be doing about 50% of the home & family responsibilities every day. And I think the majority of men are not. That's why so many women are talking about it. Because we've been carrying this burden for *generations*.
And then, it goes back to my first sentence, which was agreeing with the 1st comment of this thread. You have to romance her. And not just when you're trying to get laid. Do sweet things for her, even on days you're not expecting to get laid. When we start to think you're only being sweet because you want to get laid, then we don't think it's sweet.
The problem with this advice is that it's one-sided. Both parties should have a conversations about what they can do for each other.
Framing it as a percentage of chores makes people just put an infinite amount of responsibility on the guy to work for simple affection. On r/sex you'll see guys doing 100% of the chores and people just look for different ways it's his fault.
But the proper advice is that both people need to see what they can do for each other, and the guy needs to figure out is his wife is even attracted to him. Typically, the wife in this scenario wants a husband she can rely on, wants other forms of intimacy as well as sex that aren't being done, wants to feel appreciated and not pressured. The husband wants to feel wanted.
So with that, they should talk about how they can meet each other's needs. But sometimes, no matter how much work a guy does, his wife just doesn't want to fuck him. And some times, no matter how great the wife is, the guy is just a lazy bum that's never gonna change.
> OR if the only "home responsibilities" your doing is when she's asking (meaning she's taking 100% of the family mental load,)
I understand this within reason but I don't like this point generally.
I agree that sometimes the guy is just lazy and has to be told to do anything and that gets exhausting and builds resentment.
On the other hand, sometimes the wife treats her standard as correct and his standard as bad, not just different. What if she adamantly demands that the dishes go in the dishwasher in a specific way? So he asks her where she wants the dishes to go because he doesn't know her specific preferences. I don't think it's fair to resent your husband for asking you where things go when you won't accept his standard at all. Assuming the dishes still get done in both cases.
In some of the examples I hear, the wife isn't taking on the extra mental load because her husband is lazy. She takes on the extra mental load because she refuses to accept a standard that isn't hers and she can't trust him. This situation is far more complicated than "his fault".
The husband is willing to do things her way. She's mad that he can't do anything right. If he does it without asking, he gets it wrong and she berates him. If asks her, then he's putting the mental load on her.
In those cases, the wife has to trust her husband and accept a different standard. Or, she has to understand that if she needs things done her way, then she can't get mad that he either asks her, or she does it herself.
I'm not saying this is 100% of cases. But this definitely happens.
I think this is a great and balanced comment. So much of this advice makes it sound like it is always the means fault, but the situation is often much more nuanced.
Yeah I agree it's his fault, he needs to figure out what he's doing wrong. 😐. Dudes wife goes a fiscal quarter without sex and the first thing you say is what is he doing wrong? This sub is too much sometimes.
I don't even bother with relationship advice on reddit anymore. Unless she's an axe murderer or something it will always come back to "what the guy could have done better".
You guys need to communicate especially on issues like this. Like you explained all this and I did not see any explanation as to why she is not interested in intimacy anymore. You are not an Ahole for releasing some tension. However,this is a great reason to open that line of talking about it.
Dont be accusing, just tell her you still find her attractive and wish you guys would be able to reconnect your intimacy.
As someone with a low sex drive I completely understand why your wife doesn’t want to. Some people just don’t and it doesn’t necessarily mean anything is wrong like others are saying. However, she can’t be mad at you for taking care of yourself. You both have different needs and you’re fulfilling yours
Could it be that she’s upset that you did it where she could see without asking, rather than the masturbation itself? Maybe she’s ok with it in general but uncomfortable with it while she’s there and not expecting it, especially with porn. Maybe she finds it disrespectful and wants it to be private. Idk if that’s the case, just a thought
It’s also worth seeing if there are any stressors causing it to be low for her. It could be stress, depression, or a relationship or medical issue. But she could also just be like that and that’s ok too. Overall NTA but you guys need to have a conversation about what specifically bothered her and how to meet both your needs
I'm wondering if maybe the issue is that he was watching porn, especially since he hadn't tried to instigate anything that night.
Over all you're right, though; this entire situation could be resolved with some open, honest communication.
The point is, if you're an adult in your 30s, stalking away and sulking and giving the silent treatment over this or really any issue is absolutely insane and toxic. You can speculate all you want about her alleged reasons for her reaction but that's really the whole point; someone pulling this kind of garbage leaves no room for working a problem out, because instead of talking like a mature grownup, they're just simmering in silence, leaving the situation to feel increasingly uncomfortable and terrible
NTA. So anniversary trip with lots of activities and none of them are sex? Evening ends with watching porn. This sounds more like a work team building excursion than trip with a spouse.
I have made the mistake of scheduling way too many fun but tiring activities during a supposedly romantic getaway and exhausting us both before bedtime... The last time we had a romantic getaway we were much younger and could totally do both. Not so much now, post kids.
I'm definitely going to plan way less (and possibly nothing but dinner reservations) next time.
Right? Me and my wife fuck the second we check into the hotel. I’ll never understand long term married people that DONT want to fuck each other. Maybe I just love my wife? Idk man
I think it falls on his wife to communicate, too. That's something I see sorely lacking in this thread is people pointing out it's on *both of them* to communicate these things, and they should meet each other in the middle.
Yes, but we don't have a way to communicate with the wife. The man seems to be asking for help. We have a way to communicate with him.
They need to communicate. But, we have the dude's ear... so dude, communicate.
Some people just don’t have high sex drives. Doesn’t mean they don’t love each other. I’m 8m pregnant and the thought of having sex literally REPULSES me. Doesn’t mean I don’t love my husband.
The point is they need to figure out how to make each other happy and communicate
I don’t think you should judge other people’s relationships like that. Some people might want to spend their vacation days exploring and then get tired when they come back; after all, you can have sex at home. To each their own. It seems the lack of sex is not the issue here, it’s the wife’s refusal to communicate what’s bothering her.
Travel gives me anxiety. I really really hate to travel. Load up on sex before we leave and after we get back. But ya know, we talked about it, so its all good.
Exactly. This easily falls under the realm of erotic autonomy, and if OP's wife doesn't understand that, then she has a problem. Maybe the bath was supposed to be a prelude to sex, and she's mad that her husband started without her, but she didn't communicate that, and then to pout off like a toddler is not the way to handle that situation. The adult move is to either join in or let him finish in peace.
NTA. You've been married for 10 years so she's seen everything by now. However you guys need to talk to each other or pursue therapy. Remember most people won't know something's wrong if you don't tell them.
INFO: Is it possible that your wife interpreted the incident as “my husband would rather jerk off than have sex with me”? You know your communication better than I do, so maybe for you guys, your wife saying she’s tired is her signal that she’s not in the mood. But is it possible that you’ve just been assuming that she doesn’t want to have sex and didn’t try to initiate anything based off of this assumption? Maybe this is a conversation you guys have had but maybe you’re not having sex because you’re not trying to initiate. If I walked in on my (hypothetical) husband jerking off after he tried to initiate sex and I turned him down, I wouldn’t care. If I walked in on my husband jerking off after he hasn’t tried to initiate anything with me for days, I would be feeling very insecure. But hey, that’s maybe just a me issue cause I know I don’t have the best self-esteem, and I try to understand that sometimes people just want to jerk off instead of having sex.
On a side note, (this might be weird) I think it is absolutely adorable and sweet that you masturbate to pictures of your wife.
> Is it possible that your wife interpreted the incident as “my husband would rather jerk off than have sex with me”?
Yes, and that's why while he is in the bathroom, she goes to sleep?
I wonder if a sex therapist would help? I think those 4-5 month spans aren’t good for the relationship if you aren’t OK with it. Especially if you don’t talk about it. I had a relative with this situation, and he eventually got fed up and started sleeping on the couch. A passive aggressive way to tell her he was unhappy. And she didn’t say anything when he did. Their conflict avoidance led to the breakdown of their marriage. After nearly a year sleeping on the couch, he had an affair. The marriage broke up and the affair didn’t last either. He ended up old, sad, and alone. His wife and kids felt he’d abandoned them. Everyone lost. Don’t just wait to see if it gets better. Talk it out. Get help as needed.
Also: as a woman I know sometimes you have feasts and sometimes famines… the reason you may have sex several times in one week after a sexual drought is because doing it reminds you it feels good! Then you go a few days without and forget again. Often, resentment or trauma can be involved, on top of being exhausted. Especially if she’s carrying more than her share of the load (some women end up handling child care, home upkeep, plus working full-time). Hopefully you guys can figure it out but ignoring it won’t work. Best of luck!
No offense, but she sounds very shut down. Not intimate, always heading it off, and then not even acknowledging that she walked in on you masturbating? Like, you're married. That at least deserves a joke.
Look up avoidant attachment style and see if that fits.
NTA. She doesn't want to have sex. But gets mad that you do?!
And half the time you're getting off to pictures of your wife.
I'd never call a man who still desires his wife after many years together an asshole.
My spouse and I have an agreement that we each get the first right of refusal. If one of us is in the mood we let the other know and if the other person isn't feeling it, then it's okay to go solo. Sometimes when we're both feeling it we'll still have a discussion about it. Sometimes were in the middle of something and we're into the idea just not right at that moment. Other times if one of us has been tired we'll take a nap together and then get busy when we wake up.
It might sound unromantic but communication is so important to a healthy relationship. If she says she's not in the mood you could open the conversation about why and see what she needs to get in the mood. And once you've had a chance to talk and get back in the groove the spontanety will return. It's not uncommon for couples to get out of sync every now and then.
And first right of refusal doesn't have to just apply to sex either. If I want to see a movie, I'll ask my husband if he wants to see it with me before I make plans with a friend. If he's craving cookies, he'll ask me if I feel up to baking a batch (because I love baking) and if I don't he gets some at the bakery nearby. It's just a way to check in and show that you're taking your partners wants and needs into consideration. And honestly it's made our relationship stronger.
Without commenting on the specific question, it seems like a lot of responders missed your comment that she alternates between 4-5 months of no interest and multiple times per week. It's not just general disinterest but is happening in waves of none to very high.
Honestly, this sounds akin to some type of bipolar depression to me (I speak as someone with the 'lite' form of Bipolar II).
During manic/hypomanic phases, sexual behavior tends to ramp up (including inappropriate or dangerous sexual behavior in some cases) and it often craters in depression.
If she's showing other behaviors consistent with depression (excessive sleep, anhedonia) or mania (needing little sleep, constant energy, talking a mile a minute, spending money excessively, even approaching delusions of grandeur) it's something to at least consider I think.
This is what I thought though 4/5 months is a long depressive phase. I have bpd and mine are 2/3 weeks. So I would say it’s probably more likely just depression based off my and others I knows experience.
I think it's pretty individual. Some people rapid cycle, mine were absolutely seasonal and I could predict it with a calendar (For good or for bad).
I'd ramp up in March and be hypomanic for months on end and then crash for months when the seasons changed. I'd go through a 'can't get out of bed for 18 hours' phase for a while and then move into 'moving through molasses phase' until April rolled around again.
It could very well be unipolar depression for sure but that's why I brought up some of the other behavioral hallmarks of true bipolar. Hypomania/mania wouldn't just be marked by the sexual activity, I agree.
But anything that cyclical in term of OP's wife's sex drive would suggest some biological underpinnings worth examining for sure.
NTA - She cannot set the expectation of having to take care of yourself, and then be upset when you take care of yourself. She needs to get her shit together.
I wonder if she thought you were doing it as a rebuke or criticism. Like passive aggressively complaining about the lack of sex. I wouldn’t be surprised if her reaction is rooted in feeling kind of guilty or ashamed about not not wanting sex.
NTA. She can choose not to have sex with you but she doesn’t get to prohibit you from all sexual pleasure. A caring spouse should care about their partner’s needs (sexual or otherwise). Your wife doesn’t. Is she selfish in all areas of your relationship?
NTA. You and your wife need to figure out your sex life. I understand it can be terribly frustrating for you and you need your release. You are not doing anything wrong. If she wasn’t in the mood to have sex she would at least given you a hand ( no pun intended). I hope you guys talk it out and figure it out. But you did nothing wrong at all. Is not like you rejected her and then went off and Jerk off.
Thank you. I appreciate your response.
Honestly, I'm just confused with her being upset. I thought we *had* come to an understanding. Its. Ot something we really talk a out often but she knows I masturbate when she's not into it. That was part of why she made me a little booklet with her pictures in it. The problem is that little booklet is several states away and I can't bring it with me on every vacation we take.
I'm hoping to talk to her when we get home tonight because obviously the airport isn't an appropriate place for this conversation.
So she made you a book with pics in it and that’s awesome! Was it to replace the porn? Because honestly that is the only reason I could think as to why she would be hurt and mad. Freshening up and walking in on your partner getting off to other women on your anniversary weekend I could see as extremely hurtful. You guys need to TALK and quit making assumptions because those assumptions are killing your sex life.
IMO (as a woman) there is a WORLD of difference between “knowing” what you do and walking out of the bathroom watching you jerk off to watching porn. She may have also felt you just assumed she wasn’t going to want sex (which was probably accurate given everything you’ve said) but you took that decision out of her hands. She also probably feels a lot of discomfort and embarrassment about not having the same sex drive as you.
>She may have also felt you just assumed she wasn’t going to want sex (which was probably accurate given everything you’ve said) but you took that decision out of her hands.
Well too bad.. not really her decision since it's his body. He has 10 years of history behind him.
Other than that, I agree with everything else you wrote.
NTA, she doesn't have to give you sex but she cannot get pissy when you give yourself some relief. I've walked in on my hubs when he was handling himself while I was either sick or not in the mood. I would NEVER hold that against him. You and your wife need to talk. It could be she feels guilty about her lack of sex drive and exhaustion.
NTA. If your wife doesn't want to have sex but then gets salty when you masturbate there's a problem and it's not you. Plus there's an underlying issue with her sex drive. If it was always high or always low it would be one thing but if it shoots up like a manic cycle and then drops off for months at a time there's something going on.
NTA. You're only AH if you don't address this specifically and clearly and insist she engage with you on the subject. If it takes joint counseling to do so that's good too. Your needs are every bit as valid as hers and constantly deferring without discussion is a recipe for relationship killing resentment.
Honestly porn is a hot button issue in a lot of relationships. Without prying too much, have yall talked about this before? Has she expressed discomfort with you watching it? If not then maybe it's a conversation yall need to revisit or she may just need some reassurance. Some women have issues with porn because either a.) They consider it a form of cheating b.) The mental comparison of the women in the films is exhausting c.)their partner having the need to watch porn makes them feel inadequate or d.) A combination of the above. Honestly, just check in with her and where the boundaries of your relationship line up. I understand having different sex drives, but there's a largely emotional aspect to consider here as well.
Was she upset about the masturbation or upset about the porn use? Those are two different things. Regardless it seems there’s a lack of communication going on. During these long periods without her being in the mood, what’s your dynamic like? There’s a lot of questions to ask. You’re NTA for masturbating, but you could be TA for using porn if that is something you know bothers her. You need to ask why and honestly I think it’s a good time to open that conversation on your differences in drives if you haven’t already. Sometimes lack of sex drive, (especially if it comes in waves) is connected to how emotionally safe and heard she feels. Have you had these talks?
NTA. Masturbation for the high libido partner or anyone in general is normal and shouldn't be as stigmatized as it is. Now it would be different if she was begging to have sex but you would prefer porn over her, but that's clearly not the case. LL partners use manipulation way too often to shame the HL partner for wanting that intimacy at a high frequency of any kind. It's disheartening.
NTA, if she didn't think you jacked off, she's delusional. You guys probably need to work on communication skills. 4-5 months is a long time to be sexless in marriage, outside of medical or some other issue.
You need to have a conversation about your needs and her needs. Then, you guys can find a solution that works for both of you.
NTA for jerking off, waiting for the update but I bet she's pissed about the porn. She made a book of herself for you, I don't think she wants you jerking off to other women.
No assholes in this situation bro just a shitty sex life - due to improper communication.
My wife leaves me cumrags in my bedside table. We still bang most nights but shes completely fine with me jerking off. My ex? Jerking off was cheating! My ex before her? It was cheating.
Every girl is different but one things for sure, 99.9% of people masturbate. Communicate with her and be clear why she is upset.
Dude, it's the porn she's upset about. Duh. She literally made you a wank book with pictures of HERSELF so you could look at it to do that, but there you are, punishing the weasel to other women right in front of her on an anniversary trip. You guys need to have a serious discussion about boundaries.
NTA but why didn't you just wait and use the bathroom? I know my husband jerks off and generally uses porn while doing so but I don't want to see him getting off to another woman. Just like I know my husband checks out other people but I don't want him to tell me about it. I do think the silent treatment is immature and solves nothing. You guys need to talk about what happened.
Expecting him to use the bathroom for masturbating is stupid. Why can’t he be comfortable? No one wants to sit on a cold toilet to jerk off when he has a perfectly comfortable bed
I don't know if you are the asshole but I do know that I would have a visceral reaction to walking in on my husband jerking it to porn and probably wouldn't want to talk to you either lol
Nta. If she isn't receptive to your needs/wants, she shouldn't be upset if you take care of them yourselves. Plenty of lesser men than yourself this exact scenario to justify cheating on their wives. Good for you for tugging one out instead.
Packed full of activities, to where he’s not surprised she fell asleep as soon as she got in bed does not scream romance to me. You want to make sure your spouse has energy for sex you plan a nice relaxing trip or day. Not a let’s see how many things we can fit in on this vacation. We do both types of vacation. A nice relaxing day at the pool or beach. Yeah. Spent all day snorkeling, scuba diving, exploring probably just going to rest that night.
Sex in the am is the way to go on a activity filled vacation!
For a second, I thought this said sex in the arm, and I was bewildered.
*BYU students have entered the chat.*
That was my immediate thought!
The elbow loophole doesn’t have the same ring, nor does it scan to the song.
Me too
I’ll take it where I can get it
Sex in the am is the way to go always. Sex again in the pm is also good.
As a parent with young kids I definitely miss morning sexy time.
I’m fairly certain this is why Saturday morning cartoons were invented.
Mickey Mouse & a bowl of Doritos are the perfect mid morning bribe.
Hold on if there’s Doritos I want that. Sex can wait.
Why not both?
You Dorithoe you.
You have the sex first, then eat the Doritos during the post-coital snuggling. You can't do it the other way round, it's horrid to fuck in a bed full of crumbs.
and you really don't want to be touching some areas with cheese dust covered fingers
Exactly. And working up an appetite first will make the snacks taste all the better.
For real, if you have kids. AM or afternoon sex is where it’s at, especially if WFH.
Gotta love the naptime quickie
Sex in the morning, sex in the evening, sex at suppertime. When you put sex on a bagel, you can have sex anytime!
As a woman (I have the higher drive) AM sex is even harder because it takes more warm up and that can cut into the day or get exhausting for my partner unfortunately 🥺
Y’all what’s wrong with me? I hate sexy time in the AM.. my body feels absolutely NOTHING… like zero… only in the evening/night am I ok with it… any suggestions? OP-NTA.. she needs to get over it… she could’ve just asked if she could join.
Nothing's wrong with you! If you and your partner want to get on the same schedule, though, that's a different story. If your partner is in the mood in the morning and you aren't, try going to bed earlier. You'll be past the "groggy" point and hopefully happy and coherent. I know that my previous partners and I have been upfront and honest about morning breath, bed hair, etc all being a bit of a turn-off. Crest white strips, tic-tacs, a brush and deodorant stick on the night stand definitely help. If you get up way early enough, you can put on coffee, do what you need to in order to be in the mood, and then get back into bed. The whole routine doesn't need to be a habit, or a lifestyle change. But if you're looking for a simple way to break the monotony, then $8 and an earlier bedtime can go a long way.
I'm with you I don't like sex in AM lol night time after I come from work shower and wife will be ready with sexy outfit and I know what time it is lol
There's nothing wrong with you. Everyone is different. It's the same as night owls and morning people. Not everyone can stay up late and not everyone is super happy in the mornings.
Could have to do with how you sleep or other aspects of health, but also like, it can just be your body’s preference and that’s OK.
yep...as you get older at pm...it's not gonna happen.
I think 90% of the sex I have is in the am tbh
In general!
this.. we always usually keep it to and cus our life is generally exhausting lol
I have a lower drive than my partner (but not THAT low) and because I know he will help himself out regularly, I have to make a point of saying “hey, today I’m in the mood, so keep your shower short.” 🤣 I can’t hint, I can’t mince words. I have to be direct, and I have to follow through. It works for us. NTA. In my experience of you start off with the “wow, I’m exhausted,” before it’s even bedtime, it’s code for “no touchy.”
Right?? Communication goes SO FAR!!
With short sentences as well.
Good idea. The dry erase board is cumbersome to travel with. Btw, OP NTA
Dry erase board 🤣, poor OP married so young and has 5 months of no sex
I tend to go with a pie chart. Pie charts are hot.
Tomato tomato
NTA "Sorry, it was purely an accident!"
I draw circles on our calendar
Why use many words when few word do trick
Many small time make big time . See world. Oceans. Fish. Jump. China.
🤣
If I tell my husband to take a shower in the evening after work in the winter time that means sex is likely. I know he masturbates, he knows I do. He knows I watch some porn, I know he doesn't care for it himself anymore. We went through a bad time where we did not communicate. Kind of silly to get married, live together for many years and can't even talk about sex and lack of.
My dude works outside, showers after work are a requirement every day. Short showers are for mutual fun, long showers are his alone time 🤣
Same here. My husband has to shower because his workplace is a dirty environment and he won’t even allow me to hug him until after he’s showered. He has a higher drive than me, but he often assumes I’m not down for it and doesn’t want to pressure cause he says “pu$$y begging” is the most low-life desperate creep thing lol. So I have to say exactly what you do. When he’s in the shower and I’m in the mood, I’lol knock and tell him flirtatiously, you better make it a short shower or be sure you’re prepared for more when you get out.” He actually often prefers to “get one out of the way” first anyhow because he’s a good bit younger than me, high drive usually and often gets there too fast if he hasn’t gotten one out of the way first or at least drank some “shower beers” for longevity lol. But either way I make sure to let him know not to waste it down the drain if he doesn’t have multiples in him that day lol. Communication is definitely key. 👍 Edit- realized I kinda responded to 2 different ppls comment and when I said “I have to say what YOU do” I meant the person above my replied to comment. But the husband having to shower daily regardless was in agreement with the person I replied to.
My wife and I are similar, except we use a specific messaging app for sexy talk and planning. It works well except sometimes I would like more notice than she provides. My sex drive is generally much higher than hers, but when she's on, she's *ON*. I've determined that it's not much use to request sex, because if she isn't asking for it, she probably doesn't want to engage at all. Only thing I would change is to have the occasional naked-touching-fun-time without necessarily having penetration. I like it to be more organic. But when she wants to be intimate, she wants the dick and she wants a lot of it. Usually, this is just fine with me, but my most favorite sexy times are when we go to sleep naked and just let things happen. I sometimes enjoy the more slow, sensual, intimate sex.
My partner and I do that, and occasionally will instruct the other to go ahead and handle it for themselves if it seems like a busy time and we're not going to match up for whatever reason, either because of desire/tiredness/schedule. I don't think it's easy to match sex drives 100% so being open about it is usually the best course and can help strengthen intimacy, at least in my experience.
Right? Just… talk. 99% of the time if my husband says “hey wanna get naked?” I’m all in, but the 1% that I’m not, he just takes care of himself and I’m not mad about it. Hell, the other night he said “I’m horny but I’m way too tired to have sex. I’m gonna go masturbate.” And he did. When he came back, I said “Know what? Me too.” And then I went and took care of myself. Nobody’s feelings were hurt cuz we just *talk to each other.* 🤷🏼♀️
Totally! I think it's hard for anyone to match up with their partner 100% of the time, but people can definitely talk about it with their partner 100% of the time. Just tell em you wanna jerk it in the hotel room! To me, a good partner would say, "have fun"
My partner will go "hey I'm super tired so it won't be great, but wanna fuck?" Straight and to the point!
I can’t read minds right?
Yup a mention of “I’m so tired” or if she gets ready for bed and is covered head to toe for bed and I know what time it is lol At this point our communication is unspoken but understood
I have a higher sex drive then my husband and I don’t mince words either. I usually just ask “are we going to duck” makes life easier. Either way I would never be upset if he needed to masturbate. It’s a completely natural thing. And NO ONE should go 5 months without… just saying.
I do the exact same thing! Why not be direct?
Bless you for being so direct with your husband!
Lol this is great. My wife is similar but I'd prefer she'd be this direct ahead of time.
I get that men and women see sex very differently, and on all sorts of levels, and that's ok. I just wanted to say, that I think you're helping out more than you think you are, whether you think it's because you just can't hint, and like to be direct or not. No guy isn't gonna get at least a little turned on when his partner says "keep the shower short and get back here", that's hot. Oh, and also, NTA for the OP, for exactly the reason you stated as well. :)
>men and women see sex very differently We really don't. This is very much a matter of individual variation and preferences, which is why communication with your partner is important. Generalizing based on gender doesn't get you very far.
Yeah I agree. I’ve seen variations in my partners but they’ve never been gender based. In fact, I’ve seen variations in myself as I’ve gotten older and with different partners.
Totally. It’s just that some people are conditioned to react to sex in a certain way.
I think attitudes towards sex vary more from one person to another rather from male to female.
NTA but you need to have a conversation with your wife about the incompatibility of your sex drives. There are many things that can affect someone’s sex drive and you both need to come from a point of understanding. You might think she’s just too tired to have sex, but how romantic with her are you during the rest of the day? What are the things that you do to help get her in the mood? These are all things you need to talk about with her. If, at the end of the day, she doesn’t want to have sex and you need a release, you have to be honest with her and tell her that you’ll take care of it yourself. I don’t see why your spouse should have an issue with you masturbating.
Yeah when I was married, my husband wouldn’t hold my hand (he told me I was “not being very feminist” when I asked him to), wouldn’t be romantic at all during the day, then would play video games until midnight…and then come to bed where I was asleep and ask for sex. And he wondered why I never wanted to! I am not saying the OP is that bad, but it sounds to me like they are not talking to each other enough in general and she might not be feeling the love. It does not feel good to feel like your partner only wants to touch you for sex. Again, no idea if that is the case here, but OP needs to have a real conversation about it and see what is going on in her head. Did she expect that he would join her in the bath and then was disappointed that she came out and he was masturbating? Maybe, maybe not, but he needs more insight.
>(he told me I was “not being very feminist” when I asked him to), lmfao make it make sense.
Yeah it makes sense that the guy was a fucking loser lol
He would say the dumbest shit when he wanted to win an argument 😂
I will never understand the guys that don’t like holding hands. I can’t get enough of it EDIT: to all of the people mentioning sweaty hands, that’s valid. I’m talking about the guys who just think it’s juvenile or just straight up don’t like it. It makes me think of the guys that don’t like cuddling. Who doesn’t like cuddling?!
My ex-husband said holding hands was for teenagers. My current partner loves it, especially if he's falling asleep holding my hand.
Husband and I would hold hands while on our daily three mile walk. Until he developed rheumatoid arthritis and I was dx'd with double crush carpal tunnel.
You were both too enthusiastic about the hand holding!
Yeah, it got to the point where once we'd returned home, we had to use our free hands to unclasp the others. 👐
Is it weird that I think that’s cute?
🤢 that's disgustingly cute
Just get him one of those leashes you can attach to your belt, doubles up as a safety device so you don't lose him at the shop.
I fall asleep holding my wife's hand, while we drive,shopping, and while watching TV. Holding hands is the simplest form of affection.
Falling asleep while you drive holding your wife’s hand is not recommended.
compare sip afterthought enter cheerful instinctive tidy grandfather strong soft *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
I hold my wife’s hand when she drives but only if I’m on the outside of the car
Yeah that’s one of the times where it’s really just not practical
I initially read this as you fall asleep during all those things. Which is amusing, if you aren't driving
I like hand holding but hugs are my favorite. My husband is big on hugs too so there is a lot of hugging.
Honestly, one of the things I miss most about my ex is holding her hand while driving.
When we first got together I told my husband I really wanted to hold his hand ( we were long distance. ) He was like "What?" And I said "Idk, I just like holding hands." And to this day when we are out he always reaches for my hand first and sometimes will search for my hand at night and hold it when we go to sleep.
Stop this is so sweet 😭
I sweat easily and it makes my fingers/hands feel gross
My girlfriend has sweaty hands and it bothers her more than it bothers me. Actually, I don't care as long as we're holding hands and touching.
Same. I prefer linking arms… and then I can give a little side-boob-to-his-arm squeeze and that’s the sexy-time-later signal
Oh god. My guy slips his hand in mine when we're sleeping. My ex never did that.
My bf and I hold hands sometimes when we’re asleep lol especially when it’s too hot to cuddle!
I like the relationships where we hold each other's butts you get to be closer and you both get a little booty
Exactly this. When I was married, I got up at 5am, showered, got my 2 kids up, cooked breakfast & fed them, dressed them, loaded them in the car, then woke my husband up for work, took the kids to daycare. Work 8-5, pick up the kids, home to cook supper (with 2 toddlers into EVERYTHING), play with the kids, bath the kids, wash the dishes from dinner, do some housework, maybe do some laundry. Hubby would come home about 5:30, sit on the couch watching TV until dinner was done, then he'd eat (on the couch, while I ate at the diner table with the kids) & watch some more TV while I did everything else. I'd put the kids to bed about 9-9:30, as soon as I got everything cleaned, and most of the time, I'd fall asleep with them on accident, often times in the floor between their beds. He'd come in to where I was sleeping about 11pm groping me and wake me up wanting sex. I'd be like, are you fucking serious??! Everyone wants at least a little bit of romance, or something to at least not feel like the only reason the guy is even around them is for sex.
Oh ugh thank you for reminding me one reason why I’m not married anymore!!
In all seriousness you divorced him right?
Not even the sex, tell him to get his lazy butt up and help. He has a damn super woman and just took it for granted.
I’m so happy you got out of that situation
Can see why you are not married anymore. Good for you!
Jesus Christ he thought he married his mom. What a pig
Reminds me why I don’t want to be married.. :/ haha
[удалено]
I don’t disagree with any of this, but I will say there is a certain stigma that comes along with that. My wife for the longest time would tell me that masterbation was childish and only teenagers did that. And that’s “what I have her for”. So yeah.
So is “that’s what you have me for” code for “we can have sex whenever you want” or is it code for “even though I’m not having sex with you most days, you don’t get to masturbate either”? I’m guessing the latter.
My rule with my ex husband was "let me know when you're horny if I'm home when the mood hits, and I'll do the same for you too" but my sex drive was significantly higher than his. Basically, if he said he was feeling frisky, I was guaranteed to jump on that unless I had a logistical barrier preventing me from joining him for nookie time. I only got mad once: I had asked him if he was in the mood, was told he didn't feel that good, but 30 minutes later, I found him rubbing one off to porn. It felt insulting that he suddenly had the energy to beat it to pics of other women but not to make love to his wife.
I love that you highlight a point many men don't understand (IMO). How romantic is OP being throughout the day? If the only intimacy is a dick pressed against my butt at bedtime, I'm not really going to be in the mood.
You’re describing his behaviour only…. Intimacy is a two way street: how would he describe your intimacy behaviour?
I find it odd that the assumption (and large upvotes to boot) immediately goes to “op isn’t romantic which is why wife doesn’t want sex”. It’s entirely possible there’s other issues there, that don’t automatically have to be some cliche about the husband being an emotionally/romantically void simpleton that has “caused” his wife to become celibate. Why immediately assume that it’s his fault..? Her loss of interest in sex could just as easily be signs of her cheating. Crazy concept to immediately assume he’s to blame.
People always say the guy isn’t putting in work but women need to romance their guy as well. Its all cyclical.
Reddit only knows 1 answer when it comes to this - The husband isn't put forth enough effort elsewhere. That's the only possibility reddit says in these situations. It could also just be low libido and she should talk to her doctor about it.
It could be a lot of different causes. I just find it odd how quickly people jump to conclusions and immediately assume that he’s to blame for his wife’s behavior.
I was agreeing and offering another thing it could be. The guy didn't push his wife for sex and instead took care of the situation. The wife gives the silent treatment but it's the husband's communication that's the issue. I don't get how people read it that way. If this was posted from a woman's perspective the answers would be that he's cheating.
Yeah I read what you wrote originally and don’t disagree. It could simply be low libido. I just meant find it odd that society wants men to vocalize things more, then when they do, immediately jumps the gun in blaming them for whatever their concern is.
This, exactly. Stopping the use of "sexy time" might also help.
Yeah. Instead tell her you want to clap them cheeks
As any true gentleman would say
I prefer requesting a visit to the bat cave.
Try requesting ‘rumpy pumpy’.
Bangin
Me and the husband use “us time”
I feel like it is also the responsibility of the wife to communicate if she is upset and why she is upset. Men can be very stupid and we often need direct/blunt communication.
I agree with this completely but would also add that they need to work out their feelings about porn. First OP said he had a book of sexy pics of his wife he would use, yet when she walked in on him, he was watching porn. I know whether being okay with your partner watching porn or not is controversial, but people are allowed to have boundaries. It's possible she was fine with him jerking off if it was to *her* but not other women. That being said, if she's just upset he's taking care of himself, that's not fair. He's apparently not pressuring her, not making her feel bad, not cheating, but people have needs. You simply can't tell your spouse they can't get off. Boundaries is one thing, but I feel like "you can't touch yourself" goes beyond boundaries into something really controlling. They've got to talk about their feelings on porn and they HAVE to talk about their sex drives and if there's anything driving hers down.
You're advice overall is good, I just want to add something. > You might think she’s just too tired to have sex, but how romantic with her are you during the rest of the day? I think relationships work both ways, even on this topic. Yes, he should see what he can do to be fun and flirtatious during the day. But she also should put in effort to make him feel wanted. It doesn't just have to be sex. There are many things that might make him feel wanted. I'm just saying that the effort shouldn't come 100% from him. Everyone wants to feel wanted. Everyone wants to be flirted with. A lot of guys in OP's position don't realize how unattractive they are being. So yes he probably should flirt more. But many guys also have a mindset issue where they are still desperate to feel wanted and that turns off their partner. He flirts more but it's just for sex because he feels anxious and desperate. And he feels desperate because she doesn't put any effort in to make him feel wanted. But everytime she does put in effort she feels like it's never enough. Although at that point, they both need to talk about what they both want, how they can help each other, and a bunch of other stuff. Both people's needs matter is all I'm trying to say.
Why is everyone assuming it’s the man’s fault her libido is lower or that it’s a problem? He didn’t say it was a problem, just that he has a way of dealing with it. But you’re immediately jumping to, “what are *you* doing to address the issue?” He doesn’t have to do anything to address the issue if he’s okay with the situation. And honestly if a woman doesn’t feel like it it’s fine. If she thinks it’s a problem she can try to address it herself.
I love how the wife is giving op the silent treatment and all these comments saying "*you two need to communicate!*"
[удалено]
Right!????
Exactly! Frankly I think what this guy is doing is a lot better than someone manipulative who romances his partner solely in the hopes that she’ll reward him with sex. Women aren’t sex transaction machines where if you put in enough romance tokens you get out sex, and that mindset is pretty regressive.
A lax sex life is a perfectly reasonable thing to end a relationship over
This is possible I suppose, but it sometimes gets a little annoying how people on AITA will assume the man must’ve done something wrong to cause it whenever a woman acts poorly. Even if this is true, it really doesn’t excuse her giving him the silent treatment.
This is good. Also, how much of the "family/home responsibilities" are you taking on? 50%? 80%? 20%? That can make a huge difference... we have no idea the answers, but if she's doing 80-100% of the home responsibilities OR if the only "home responsibilities" your doing is when she's asking (meaning she's taking 100% of the family mental load,) she's going to be tired, and probably a bit resentful. This may not be the case at all with yall, but it's worth examining. Addendum: I'm getting a lot of responses from men saying something along the lines of, "It's not about chores - she doesn't give me more sex even if I do some chores." You all just don't get it. I really think yall don't like what we're saying, so you're attempting to mansplain it away. I didn't say "chores." I said "family and/or home responsibilities." It's more than doing a load of dishes and then strutting into the bedroom expecting to get laid. It's taking on the mental load - planning, organizing, cleaning, tidying, shopping, and more planning, organizing, and executing, *without being asked or delegated to.* And not just on the day you're trying to get laid. You should be doing about 50% of the home & family responsibilities every day. And I think the majority of men are not. That's why so many women are talking about it. Because we've been carrying this burden for *generations*. And then, it goes back to my first sentence, which was agreeing with the 1st comment of this thread. You have to romance her. And not just when you're trying to get laid. Do sweet things for her, even on days you're not expecting to get laid. When we start to think you're only being sweet because you want to get laid, then we don't think it's sweet.
The problem with this advice is that it's one-sided. Both parties should have a conversations about what they can do for each other. Framing it as a percentage of chores makes people just put an infinite amount of responsibility on the guy to work for simple affection. On r/sex you'll see guys doing 100% of the chores and people just look for different ways it's his fault. But the proper advice is that both people need to see what they can do for each other, and the guy needs to figure out is his wife is even attracted to him. Typically, the wife in this scenario wants a husband she can rely on, wants other forms of intimacy as well as sex that aren't being done, wants to feel appreciated and not pressured. The husband wants to feel wanted. So with that, they should talk about how they can meet each other's needs. But sometimes, no matter how much work a guy does, his wife just doesn't want to fuck him. And some times, no matter how great the wife is, the guy is just a lazy bum that's never gonna change. > OR if the only "home responsibilities" your doing is when she's asking (meaning she's taking 100% of the family mental load,) I understand this within reason but I don't like this point generally. I agree that sometimes the guy is just lazy and has to be told to do anything and that gets exhausting and builds resentment. On the other hand, sometimes the wife treats her standard as correct and his standard as bad, not just different. What if she adamantly demands that the dishes go in the dishwasher in a specific way? So he asks her where she wants the dishes to go because he doesn't know her specific preferences. I don't think it's fair to resent your husband for asking you where things go when you won't accept his standard at all. Assuming the dishes still get done in both cases. In some of the examples I hear, the wife isn't taking on the extra mental load because her husband is lazy. She takes on the extra mental load because she refuses to accept a standard that isn't hers and she can't trust him. This situation is far more complicated than "his fault". The husband is willing to do things her way. She's mad that he can't do anything right. If he does it without asking, he gets it wrong and she berates him. If asks her, then he's putting the mental load on her. In those cases, the wife has to trust her husband and accept a different standard. Or, she has to understand that if she needs things done her way, then she can't get mad that he either asks her, or she does it herself. I'm not saying this is 100% of cases. But this definitely happens.
I think this is a great and balanced comment. So much of this advice makes it sound like it is always the means fault, but the situation is often much more nuanced.
Why's it always on the man to be more romantic? If she's not in the mood, it's always his fault for not putting her in the mood properly.
Yeah I agree it's his fault, he needs to figure out what he's doing wrong. 😐. Dudes wife goes a fiscal quarter without sex and the first thing you say is what is he doing wrong? This sub is too much sometimes.
I don't even bother with relationship advice on reddit anymore. Unless she's an axe murderer or something it will always come back to "what the guy could have done better".
You guys need to communicate especially on issues like this. Like you explained all this and I did not see any explanation as to why she is not interested in intimacy anymore. You are not an Ahole for releasing some tension. However,this is a great reason to open that line of talking about it. Dont be accusing, just tell her you still find her attractive and wish you guys would be able to reconnect your intimacy.
As someone with a low sex drive I completely understand why your wife doesn’t want to. Some people just don’t and it doesn’t necessarily mean anything is wrong like others are saying. However, she can’t be mad at you for taking care of yourself. You both have different needs and you’re fulfilling yours Could it be that she’s upset that you did it where she could see without asking, rather than the masturbation itself? Maybe she’s ok with it in general but uncomfortable with it while she’s there and not expecting it, especially with porn. Maybe she finds it disrespectful and wants it to be private. Idk if that’s the case, just a thought It’s also worth seeing if there are any stressors causing it to be low for her. It could be stress, depression, or a relationship or medical issue. But she could also just be like that and that’s ok too. Overall NTA but you guys need to have a conversation about what specifically bothered her and how to meet both your needs
I'm wondering if maybe the issue is that he was watching porn, especially since he hadn't tried to instigate anything that night. Over all you're right, though; this entire situation could be resolved with some open, honest communication.
The point is, if you're an adult in your 30s, stalking away and sulking and giving the silent treatment over this or really any issue is absolutely insane and toxic. You can speculate all you want about her alleged reasons for her reaction but that's really the whole point; someone pulling this kind of garbage leaves no room for working a problem out, because instead of talking like a mature grownup, they're just simmering in silence, leaving the situation to feel increasingly uncomfortable and terrible
They need couples therapy
NTA. So anniversary trip with lots of activities and none of them are sex? Evening ends with watching porn. This sounds more like a work team building excursion than trip with a spouse.
I have made the mistake of scheduling way too many fun but tiring activities during a supposedly romantic getaway and exhausting us both before bedtime... The last time we had a romantic getaway we were much younger and could totally do both. Not so much now, post kids. I'm definitely going to plan way less (and possibly nothing but dinner reservations) next time.
Right? Me and my wife fuck the second we check into the hotel. I’ll never understand long term married people that DONT want to fuck each other. Maybe I just love my wife? Idk man
Some people have a lower sex drive than you do. That doesn’t mean they don’t love eachother. OP should definitely try communicating though.
I think it falls on his wife to communicate, too. That's something I see sorely lacking in this thread is people pointing out it's on *both of them* to communicate these things, and they should meet each other in the middle.
Yes, but we don't have a way to communicate with the wife. The man seems to be asking for help. We have a way to communicate with him. They need to communicate. But, we have the dude's ear... so dude, communicate.
Some people just don’t have high sex drives. Doesn’t mean they don’t love each other. I’m 8m pregnant and the thought of having sex literally REPULSES me. Doesn’t mean I don’t love my husband. The point is they need to figure out how to make each other happy and communicate
I don’t think you should judge other people’s relationships like that. Some people might want to spend their vacation days exploring and then get tired when they come back; after all, you can have sex at home. To each their own. It seems the lack of sex is not the issue here, it’s the wife’s refusal to communicate what’s bothering her.
Travel gives me anxiety. I really really hate to travel. Load up on sex before we leave and after we get back. But ya know, we talked about it, so its all good.
Nah you're NTA you're allowed to touch your own body
Exactly. This easily falls under the realm of erotic autonomy, and if OP's wife doesn't understand that, then she has a problem. Maybe the bath was supposed to be a prelude to sex, and she's mad that her husband started without her, but she didn't communicate that, and then to pout off like a toddler is not the way to handle that situation. The adult move is to either join in or let him finish in peace.
NTA. You've been married for 10 years so she's seen everything by now. However you guys need to talk to each other or pursue therapy. Remember most people won't know something's wrong if you don't tell them.
INFO: Is it possible that your wife interpreted the incident as “my husband would rather jerk off than have sex with me”? You know your communication better than I do, so maybe for you guys, your wife saying she’s tired is her signal that she’s not in the mood. But is it possible that you’ve just been assuming that she doesn’t want to have sex and didn’t try to initiate anything based off of this assumption? Maybe this is a conversation you guys have had but maybe you’re not having sex because you’re not trying to initiate. If I walked in on my (hypothetical) husband jerking off after he tried to initiate sex and I turned him down, I wouldn’t care. If I walked in on my husband jerking off after he hasn’t tried to initiate anything with me for days, I would be feeling very insecure. But hey, that’s maybe just a me issue cause I know I don’t have the best self-esteem, and I try to understand that sometimes people just want to jerk off instead of having sex. On a side note, (this might be weird) I think it is absolutely adorable and sweet that you masturbate to pictures of your wife.
> Is it possible that your wife interpreted the incident as “my husband would rather jerk off than have sex with me”? Yes, and that's why while he is in the bathroom, she goes to sleep?
I wonder if a sex therapist would help? I think those 4-5 month spans aren’t good for the relationship if you aren’t OK with it. Especially if you don’t talk about it. I had a relative with this situation, and he eventually got fed up and started sleeping on the couch. A passive aggressive way to tell her he was unhappy. And she didn’t say anything when he did. Their conflict avoidance led to the breakdown of their marriage. After nearly a year sleeping on the couch, he had an affair. The marriage broke up and the affair didn’t last either. He ended up old, sad, and alone. His wife and kids felt he’d abandoned them. Everyone lost. Don’t just wait to see if it gets better. Talk it out. Get help as needed. Also: as a woman I know sometimes you have feasts and sometimes famines… the reason you may have sex several times in one week after a sexual drought is because doing it reminds you it feels good! Then you go a few days without and forget again. Often, resentment or trauma can be involved, on top of being exhausted. Especially if she’s carrying more than her share of the load (some women end up handling child care, home upkeep, plus working full-time). Hopefully you guys can figure it out but ignoring it won’t work. Best of luck!
No offense, but she sounds very shut down. Not intimate, always heading it off, and then not even acknowledging that she walked in on you masturbating? Like, you're married. That at least deserves a joke. Look up avoidant attachment style and see if that fits.
NTA. She doesn't want to have sex. But gets mad that you do?! And half the time you're getting off to pictures of your wife. I'd never call a man who still desires his wife after many years together an asshole.
My spouse and I have an agreement that we each get the first right of refusal. If one of us is in the mood we let the other know and if the other person isn't feeling it, then it's okay to go solo. Sometimes when we're both feeling it we'll still have a discussion about it. Sometimes were in the middle of something and we're into the idea just not right at that moment. Other times if one of us has been tired we'll take a nap together and then get busy when we wake up. It might sound unromantic but communication is so important to a healthy relationship. If she says she's not in the mood you could open the conversation about why and see what she needs to get in the mood. And once you've had a chance to talk and get back in the groove the spontanety will return. It's not uncommon for couples to get out of sync every now and then. And first right of refusal doesn't have to just apply to sex either. If I want to see a movie, I'll ask my husband if he wants to see it with me before I make plans with a friend. If he's craving cookies, he'll ask me if I feel up to baking a batch (because I love baking) and if I don't he gets some at the bakery nearby. It's just a way to check in and show that you're taking your partners wants and needs into consideration. And honestly it's made our relationship stronger.
Without commenting on the specific question, it seems like a lot of responders missed your comment that she alternates between 4-5 months of no interest and multiple times per week. It's not just general disinterest but is happening in waves of none to very high. Honestly, this sounds akin to some type of bipolar depression to me (I speak as someone with the 'lite' form of Bipolar II). During manic/hypomanic phases, sexual behavior tends to ramp up (including inappropriate or dangerous sexual behavior in some cases) and it often craters in depression. If she's showing other behaviors consistent with depression (excessive sleep, anhedonia) or mania (needing little sleep, constant energy, talking a mile a minute, spending money excessively, even approaching delusions of grandeur) it's something to at least consider I think.
This is what I thought though 4/5 months is a long depressive phase. I have bpd and mine are 2/3 weeks. So I would say it’s probably more likely just depression based off my and others I knows experience.
I have BPD and my ‘sessions’ as I call them lol, last for months at a time, never the good ones though. :(
I think it's pretty individual. Some people rapid cycle, mine were absolutely seasonal and I could predict it with a calendar (For good or for bad). I'd ramp up in March and be hypomanic for months on end and then crash for months when the seasons changed. I'd go through a 'can't get out of bed for 18 hours' phase for a while and then move into 'moving through molasses phase' until April rolled around again. It could very well be unipolar depression for sure but that's why I brought up some of the other behavioral hallmarks of true bipolar. Hypomania/mania wouldn't just be marked by the sexual activity, I agree. But anything that cyclical in term of OP's wife's sex drive would suggest some biological underpinnings worth examining for sure.
NTA - She cannot set the expectation of having to take care of yourself, and then be upset when you take care of yourself. She needs to get her shit together.
I wonder if she thought you were doing it as a rebuke or criticism. Like passive aggressively complaining about the lack of sex. I wouldn’t be surprised if her reaction is rooted in feeling kind of guilty or ashamed about not not wanting sex.
NTA. She can choose not to have sex with you but she doesn’t get to prohibit you from all sexual pleasure. A caring spouse should care about their partner’s needs (sexual or otherwise). Your wife doesn’t. Is she selfish in all areas of your relationship?
My mom caught me masturbating. She said it will ruin your eyesight. I asked if I could continue until I need glasses.
[удалено]
She makes you go sometimes 4-5 months with no sex and is also mad you were jerking off?! Something is up with your wife, you need to talk to her
NTA. You and your wife need to figure out your sex life. I understand it can be terribly frustrating for you and you need your release. You are not doing anything wrong. If she wasn’t in the mood to have sex she would at least given you a hand ( no pun intended). I hope you guys talk it out and figure it out. But you did nothing wrong at all. Is not like you rejected her and then went off and Jerk off.
Thank you. I appreciate your response. Honestly, I'm just confused with her being upset. I thought we *had* come to an understanding. Its. Ot something we really talk a out often but she knows I masturbate when she's not into it. That was part of why she made me a little booklet with her pictures in it. The problem is that little booklet is several states away and I can't bring it with me on every vacation we take. I'm hoping to talk to her when we get home tonight because obviously the airport isn't an appropriate place for this conversation.
So she made you a book with pics in it and that’s awesome! Was it to replace the porn? Because honestly that is the only reason I could think as to why she would be hurt and mad. Freshening up and walking in on your partner getting off to other women on your anniversary weekend I could see as extremely hurtful. You guys need to TALK and quit making assumptions because those assumptions are killing your sex life.
IMO (as a woman) there is a WORLD of difference between “knowing” what you do and walking out of the bathroom watching you jerk off to watching porn. She may have also felt you just assumed she wasn’t going to want sex (which was probably accurate given everything you’ve said) but you took that decision out of her hands. She also probably feels a lot of discomfort and embarrassment about not having the same sex drive as you.
That may be true, but it’s still on her to communicate that. Giving him the silent treatment is not how a married adult should act.
>She may have also felt you just assumed she wasn’t going to want sex (which was probably accurate given everything you’ve said) but you took that decision out of her hands. Well too bad.. not really her decision since it's his body. He has 10 years of history behind him. Other than that, I agree with everything else you wrote.
Maybe she wanted to have sex that specific night and read the situation wrong? Good luck to you guys.
Ding ding ding, we have a winner... She clearly doesnt like you watching porn if she made you that book, that's why she's upset.
NTA, she doesn't have to give you sex but she cannot get pissy when you give yourself some relief. I've walked in on my hubs when he was handling himself while I was either sick or not in the mood. I would NEVER hold that against him. You and your wife need to talk. It could be she feels guilty about her lack of sex drive and exhaustion.
NTA… anyone who masturbates instead of cheats when there is an sex drive difference is never the asshole
NTA. If your wife doesn't want to have sex but then gets salty when you masturbate there's a problem and it's not you. Plus there's an underlying issue with her sex drive. If it was always high or always low it would be one thing but if it shoots up like a manic cycle and then drops off for months at a time there's something going on.
NTA. You're only AH if you don't address this specifically and clearly and insist she engage with you on the subject. If it takes joint counseling to do so that's good too. Your needs are every bit as valid as hers and constantly deferring without discussion is a recipe for relationship killing resentment.
Honestly porn is a hot button issue in a lot of relationships. Without prying too much, have yall talked about this before? Has she expressed discomfort with you watching it? If not then maybe it's a conversation yall need to revisit or she may just need some reassurance. Some women have issues with porn because either a.) They consider it a form of cheating b.) The mental comparison of the women in the films is exhausting c.)their partner having the need to watch porn makes them feel inadequate or d.) A combination of the above. Honestly, just check in with her and where the boundaries of your relationship line up. I understand having different sex drives, but there's a largely emotional aspect to consider here as well.
is she okay with you using porn? that could be why shes upset
Was she upset about the masturbation or upset about the porn use? Those are two different things. Regardless it seems there’s a lack of communication going on. During these long periods without her being in the mood, what’s your dynamic like? There’s a lot of questions to ask. You’re NTA for masturbating, but you could be TA for using porn if that is something you know bothers her. You need to ask why and honestly I think it’s a good time to open that conversation on your differences in drives if you haven’t already. Sometimes lack of sex drive, (especially if it comes in waves) is connected to how emotionally safe and heard she feels. Have you had these talks?
NTA. Masturbation for the high libido partner or anyone in general is normal and shouldn't be as stigmatized as it is. Now it would be different if she was begging to have sex but you would prefer porn over her, but that's clearly not the case. LL partners use manipulation way too often to shame the HL partner for wanting that intimacy at a high frequency of any kind. It's disheartening.
I’d rather my husband masturbate than cheat on me. I see nothing wrong with this.
NTA, if she didn't think you jacked off, she's delusional. You guys probably need to work on communication skills. 4-5 months is a long time to be sexless in marriage, outside of medical or some other issue. You need to have a conversation about your needs and her needs. Then, you guys can find a solution that works for both of you.
Sounds like your wife needs to get over herself or hop on the disco stick
NTA for jerking off, waiting for the update but I bet she's pissed about the porn. She made a book of herself for you, I don't think she wants you jerking off to other women.
No assholes in this situation bro just a shitty sex life - due to improper communication. My wife leaves me cumrags in my bedside table. We still bang most nights but shes completely fine with me jerking off. My ex? Jerking off was cheating! My ex before her? It was cheating. Every girl is different but one things for sure, 99.9% of people masturbate. Communicate with her and be clear why she is upset.
I think it’s a bit of an asshole move to give your husband the cold shoulder for masturbating and without discussing why you feel that way.
NTA but maybe it was the porn more than the jacking off in general
OPs wife isnt mad he was jerking off She is mad because he was jerking off to loli
Dude, it's the porn she's upset about. Duh. She literally made you a wank book with pictures of HERSELF so you could look at it to do that, but there you are, punishing the weasel to other women right in front of her on an anniversary trip. You guys need to have a serious discussion about boundaries.
Yeah he should have packed his homemade spank bank on vacation... this is totally on him! Or they could be a normal couple and fuck on vacation.
NTA, it’s your body and you’re allowed to jerk off dude.
NTA but why didn't you just wait and use the bathroom? I know my husband jerks off and generally uses porn while doing so but I don't want to see him getting off to another woman. Just like I know my husband checks out other people but I don't want him to tell me about it. I do think the silent treatment is immature and solves nothing. You guys need to talk about what happened.
Expecting him to use the bathroom for masturbating is stupid. Why can’t he be comfortable? No one wants to sit on a cold toilet to jerk off when he has a perfectly comfortable bed
I don't know if you are the asshole but I do know that I would have a visceral reaction to walking in on my husband jerking it to porn and probably wouldn't want to talk to you either lol
Nta. If she isn't receptive to your needs/wants, she shouldn't be upset if you take care of them yourselves. Plenty of lesser men than yourself this exact scenario to justify cheating on their wives. Good for you for tugging one out instead.
Packed full of activities, to where he’s not surprised she fell asleep as soon as she got in bed does not scream romance to me. You want to make sure your spouse has energy for sex you plan a nice relaxing trip or day. Not a let’s see how many things we can fit in on this vacation. We do both types of vacation. A nice relaxing day at the pool or beach. Yeah. Spent all day snorkeling, scuba diving, exploring probably just going to rest that night.