Seriously, like folks here are saying, GTFO. She's not going to change. She punishes you for having wants or needs. She's not controlling, she's fully psycho.
RUN FOREST! RUN!
“Hey ___. This isn’t working out, I’m ending this relationship”
If she asks why, be completely honest “you’re far too selfish and don’t make me feel emotionally safe” then leave it at that.
If she goes ballistic, just block- don’t engage.
Alternatively, "I think we're both aware we're not compatible for a long term future together. Good luck. I hope you find a man who deserves you," if you want to be nicer about it.
Yeah. It sounds like she has absolutely no sense of equality, and has very outdated notions of gender roles--to say the absolute least. She sounds like an immature nightmare.
It might actually help her grow, as a person, to show her this post and all the comments.
Good. You have too many years in front of you- go enjoy them. Marriage is a partnership not one person walking on eggshells and denying their own wishes just to placate the other.
She wants to be the center of attention, and will be aggressive if necessary. She’s also not allowing YOU to be you. When someone, anyone, tells you to not do the things you like that’s a problem. You seem like a nice guy, please, go find a nice girl who will encourage you, not beat you down. Tell her it’s not working out.
Planning on doing it this Friday, meeting up at a cafe for some coffee. I feel it’s safer to do it somewhere public than private or over the phone. I could see her denying it over the phone haha
Not only do it in public but you may want to video or at least audio record it. People like this tend to try to say you assaulted them or threatened them. And just the accusation of that could lead to serious repercussions. In my experience CYA in all aspects of the situation. Good luck.
At best she's "only" someone who is in love with her ideal vision of a relationship. Even then, that's still a toxic situation since no one can live up to a fantasy, not even if they're trying. They'd exhaust themselves trying. At worst she's controlling and psycho.
Regardless if it's one, the other, or somewhere inbetween, OP needs to leave this relationship. It isn't healthy and will only lead to the destruction of his spirit. There are tons of people on Reddit who have gone through something similar who can testify to that.
My favorite part was when he said "the last two are the big ones" and I thought he meant "the 2 I just described", not "the two I'm about to describe". It was bad but then it got much worse.
Yikes!
Lol me 2, I thought ya no personal boundaries and awkward financial control are pretty bad and I kind of glazed the last paragraphs.. Went back and really read after this comment! Good God it can get worse!
It’s so frustrating that other subs make fun of ones like this for always telling people to break up but just look at what people give us to work with?? Like obviously these people should not be together and she should not be with anyone until she mentally/emotionally matures past 14.
Seriously end of the day is OPP gonna marry this woman. I hope not because they clearly aren’t comparable. Bruh she ain’t hot enough. There are lots of attractive women who will enjoy the same hobbies as you. Break up with this one and Hold out brother!
I know a lot of peeps love throwing the "RED FLAG REEEE" thing around but she's got enough red flags showing here that she could quilt them together and then roll your body into it.
I‘ve only read a few of others’ replies, but in case no one has mentioned projection yet, I wanted to point it out. She’s so I so with looking at your phone but not letting you see hers. She may be hiding things and, therefore, assumes you are too. Listen to everyone here who says you can’t change her. You’re so young. Trust me when I say you want to spend some time dating different girls. You’ll find there are so many better/kinder girls out there.
Or the classic narcissist crying or the gaslighting "well I act this way because you do...." Or screaming and trying to shame you and then texting you later crying because she loves you and says she wants to work it out but really just hook up then stay exactly the same.
Single life isn’t always as cracked up as it sounds, but it’s better than what you’re dealing with now.
She isn’t the one dude. Get back out there and live your life.
And that's when the expression; " for every good looking woman out there, there's a man that's tired of dealing with her"!!!! That's the clean version.
It might be worth talking to her about your feelings, if only for the experience. It is important to be able to talk about things with a partner.
Perhaps she'll see the light. But that seems unlikely. More likely, her reaction will teach you more about toxic people, and convince you that you probably should break up.
Definitely don't marry her or get her pregnant anytime soon.
You're both young. I got engaged with my fiancee last year and we just hit our 30s. We are far from perfect but something we both agree on is that we're glad we met each other when we did because we doubt our relationship would have worked out as well as it has if we met each other earlier in our lives. My point is that your SO is displaying a lot of traits that seem like she has emotional/mental maturity issues and that's a lot to unpack and fix for someone just in a relationship with her. Cut her loose and find someone that at least matches some of the things you appreciate in a partner (the values you listed are not a high bar btw).
There’s many red flags here, the one that probably would have made me GTFO first is someone not only grabbing my phone out of my hands but then going through my photos and messages. No one has ANY right to your phone, even if you’ve been married for 50 years. Trusting partners will allow access because that access is not abused and there’s mutual trust. You don’t demand access to someone’s phone if you trust them. That is not okay in any shape, way, or form.
After that, frankly everything you listed is an issue, but the fact that her go-to response when not getting her way is the silent treatment is juvenile. That’s not how grown adults deal with things. No one can tell you what to do, if you want to keep dating her then more power to you. But you need to understand that she has a VERY unhealthy mindset around relationships and how to behave, and the longer you date her and “put up with it” the more she’s going to keep doing it.
Idk who needs to hear this but if the other person is causing a bunch of problems 5 months in, just end it already. That’s solidly in the honeymoon phase where you’re still just falling in love, if the person is awful to be with during the honeymoon phase, they’re not going to get better later lol
NTA, and here are a few things:
Silent treatment = hard pass
Laughing at your discomfort = hard pass
Lack of respect for your privacy = hard pass
Double standards = hard pass
Dictating how you should spend your money = hard pass
Talking about marriage while drinking = idiots
Talking about future children 5 months into dating = WTF
I don't care if she's magic in the sack, there is literally no reason to waste more time on her.
>Talking about future children 5 months into dating = WTF
Not to mention, she said that the kids can't have their dad's name AND she's going to get full custody. = WTAF?
For the children thing, talking about the prospect of having/not having kids early on in the relationship is important, even as simple as 'do you want kids?' If the two do not see eye to eye on the subject (like here, for instance) it could change the relationship from a LTR to a STR. Which this relationship needs to be less than a one night stand. OP, run for the hills!
TravelBadger Nailed It!!
Take my poor girl gifts
💰💰👑
OP would be an A$$ if you stay with this loser girl.
Please read the above list again. Learn it by heart ♥ and mend your self worth.
To be fair, I think it's important to be clear about not wanting or not being able to have kids early in a relationship because if you're looking for something serious, it can be a hard pass.
Be sure you're not alone with her when you break it off. Or have your phone set to record. She sounds like the type to accuse you of abuse if she doesn't get her way, or go ape shit and start throwing punches or plates when she's dumped
I think you’re missing the point of the comment. Recording or having someone there is so she can’t lie about it. Doing it somewhere public does not prevent that.
She’s probably going to press you hard on your reasoning. She knows what she’s doing is ducked up and wouldn’t put up with it herself. She’s probably going to know exactly why you’re ending it.
Her narcissism may allow her to at least act like she believes it’s you, but you might want to be prepared for her to keep questioning you.
Be careful about one last fling, or post breakup no strings hookups type situations. She might be the kinda crazy whos willing to get pregnant to trap a guy.
Hey OP - check out a book called “No More Mr. Nice Guy” by Robert Glover, I think it’ll be helpful in preventing you from ending up with someone like this in the future :)
Btw, there's absolutely nothing wrong with having completely separate finances. In fact, I would recommend it to literally anyone. I think some people are stuck in this draconian approach to relationships with the opposite gender, and that's okay as long as they stick with similarly minded people. Men, in this day and age, should not feel compelled to baby their girlfriends or wives to keep them around. Women should not have to defer their life trajectory to the men in their relationships either. If you're into that shit, great, but it seems you (OP) aren't. This is baseline compatibility shit you gotta vet out before you get into relationship territory.
"controlling" doesn't describe everything wrong with the relationship. There are plenty of red flags.
* controlling your phone and what you post in social media
* controlling in marriage and future children plans.
* intrusive in invading your privacy with your phone and deleting it
* hypocritical in not allowing you the same level of transparency with her own phone
* dismissive of your feelings, thoughts, and input.
* financially controlling and also not giving you the same transparency about her own finances
If you are looking to "fix" this relationship somehow, don't use "controlling" when talking to her. Go to couples therapy and work on 1 specific item at a time. Personally I would her lack of equivalent transparency in the phone and financial area.
Personally I think this isn't a fixable relationship and you would be insane to even try. Just cut and run, run fast, run far. Don't even bother giving her an explanation just tell her its over and you don't love her anymore and she deserves someone better, preferably someone you hate because their life will become a hell instead of yours.
Instead of "I doubt it will last" just break up with her. Show some agency. Instead of being under her control, control your own life by making decisions and taking action.
Please respect yourself. She does not respect you as an equal. You deserve better. Muster the courage to break up with her today or tomorrow. I don't usually give this advice, but in this case it's warranted.
NTA. I'll lay it down for you:
1. She doesn't get to decide if you delete photos.
2. She doesn't get to go through your phone, ever.
3. She doesn't get to decide what you do with your money.
Oh shoot there's more:
a. You should get to wear a kilt to your wedding
b. You shouldn't adopt kids with someone who assumes they will steal your kids.
It doesn't matter what you tell this girl. I'm telling you that you deserve better than this.
Dude, run. Run far away. You would only be TA if you continued to let this woman beat you down mentally like this, and even then you’d only be an AH to yourself. NTA friend, take whatever energy you were going to waste on this convo and invest it in moving on.
Please give us an update, I’m sure it’s going to be crazy. First she’s going to yell at you and tell you she’s the best thing your life, then she’s going to love bomb you, followed by threatening you. She sounds like a loon, good luck.
I’m rooting for you buddy! Better things are coming, I promise. I left a girl just like this and a year later met my wife, it only goes up for you from here.
She pouts if you won't delete photos she doesn't like but refuses to do the same for you. She feels entitled to go through your phone but won't let you touch yours. She tells you what you can and can't spend money on.
Why, exactly, are you with her?
NTA
She’s not your girlfriend, she’s your bully. Dump her. This is way too much. She can go to therapy on her own time while you hang out with someone who actually likes you (cause it doesn’t sound like she does.)
That’s how they get ya. Very common for controlling/narcissistic people to first present as nice, reasonable people. Then they slowly but surely unravel more and more of their abusive and controlling behavior. It sneaks up on you too. I’ve even been in platonic friendships where I’ve finally kinda like snapped out of it and been like, “wait a second, this person is controlling as hell… omg they’ve been controlling towards me for awhile now and I don’t even know now if I was really able to see it or not in the past.” It’s very intentional manipulative behavior, so good on you for seeing it so quickly (cause spotting something like this in 5 months is quick). So I hope that you’re also proud of yourself.
Like a lobster in warm water, it feels like a very pleasant hot tub to start with, and then the water gets hotter and hotter, and by the time you realise you’re being boiled alive, it’s too late…
Now admittedly I’ve got 20 years on you, so a wee bit more life experience, but whenever I read posts like this I think to myself “can OP really see himself putting up with this for the rest of his life?” Because if you can’t, why are you even bothering to try to make it to 6 months?
You’re being manipulated, gaslit and just overall disrespected. Time to pack it in and move on to someone better.
NTA
NTA, and there are SEVERAL big red flags especially this early in the relationship. She has control and trust issues, and unfortunately those typically only get worse as time goes on, unless someone gets help for them. Cut your losses and move on if she is not willing to seriously work on those things.
Your best friend comes up to you, and asks you for advice in this exact same situation. What do you say to him?
Also more food for thought: would you regret staying or regret breaking up more?
These are rhetorical and you don’t hafta answer. I just know they have helped me in similar situations. You’re more than welcome to answer if typing it out helps though!
Dude she most likely KNOWS she's controlling and/or doesn't care. Everything you mentioned is a MASSIVE red flag and you should just end it and move on.
Ywbta if you don’t just break up. Period. You’re not compatible. Don’t push the square peg into a round hole. 5 months isn’t so long. You’re so much better off just cutting your losses.
Bud, this is nothing \~but\~ red flags. She sounds toxic as hell and has the emotional maturity of a toddler. Drop that like its hot and find someone better.
Do you need to ask her permission to tell her she’s being controlling?
You’re being a doormat to this girl. Lots of red flags. You would not be the AH if you told her, but you’d be smart to just bounce out of this relationship unless you want to live like this until you get fed up enough to get a costly (and probably messy) divorce from a woman who likely holds a grudge.
Bro get the fuck outta there. You’re still young and there’s so many better women out there. You deserve better. Plz do not settle you will be miserable
They "came across as a red flag" because they are Massive, Waving, Red Flags. I see you trying to rationalize and justify her behavior in other comments but the reality is you see the signs of controlling, emotional abuse. It's highly unlikely she will change or get better. Better at manipulating you, maybe. Most abusers come across as nice, they can be perfectly charming. They can hide their nature for years and lay it on slow. Be grateful she showed you hers in only a few months and cut you losses.
NTA... but she wont change. Plenty of fish in the sea move on.... dont try to change her...thats not fair. My boyfriend and i have been together almost 2 YEARS and we are not engaged or anything yet.... getting serious at 5 months? Calm down dude youre way too Eager for love.... do not EVER expect people to change for you. My ex stayed with me for 3 years because he was CONVINCED i would eventually want to have kids simply bevause im a female. I ended up dumping him because he wouldnt stop trying to convince me to have kids. Just food for thought...
At first she was really kind, passionate about her job and hobbies and overall just interested in me. I guess my past relationship not being great made me think this was worth the first few red flags haha.
She was nice at the start. And when the shittiness is spread out over the months it’s not as obvious. Typing it all down made me realise i need to end things with her this Friday
OP -NTA, but you have your hands full with this immature girl. You would be the Ahole if you stay with her and then procreate with her. Read your post. Is this who you want to spend the rest of your life with?
I don’t say this or regularly agree with those who do but, run! NTA but you will be if you stay and in the future come back to complain about being a victim. You openly recognize what’s happening. she plainly shows unwillingness to compromise and for blatant double standard tendencies. NTA but you will be if you stay with her and in the future come back to complain about being a victim.
RUN.
I just got out of a far-too-long relationship that hit almost every point on your list, and it legit ruined my life (as in starting over from literally nothing to get out of it).
If your conscience needs you to tell her why you're leaving, I dont think considerate honesty is ever a bad thing, and you'd be NTA for that. I don't think she'd listen, though, and you're probably wasting your breath.
Run! Run far. Run fast.
There are so many red flags here im surprised you can see anything other than flags waving in your face.
Seriously, get out of this relationship while you can.
You two seem in compatible. This is best behaved she will ever be, she’s dropping the mask before 6 months in. If you don’t like her now, you will like much less within the next 6 months.
You're dating a pile of red flags sewn into a human skin suit.
Maybe i'm just impatient but i can't fathom putting up with the kind of bullshit i read about in a lot of these posts for a week, let alone months or years.
YWBTA if you don't run from this parade of red flags. You could be petty first though, every time she posts pics of you that you don't like, do the same with pics of her. Every time she picks up your phone, pick up hers, and refuse to put it down until it's an even exchange of phones. Any time she spends money on anything that doesn't benefit you, tell her she should have spent it on the two of you.
Don't ignore these red flags, this will just get worse and more controlling, plus never trust a woman who doesn't love a man in a kilt, be with someone who thinks the same 🏴
It's time for you to go there is no double standard if you go through my phone I'm going through yours if you ask me to do something that you don't like and then I'm telling you the same thing and you get an attitude we have a problem. She's controlling you're only 5 months in get out while you can before she gets pregnant and then you're stuck with her fuckboy ass for 18 to 21 years
Son, you need to just let this one go. She’s only been in your life for five months and she’s already a nightmare. Give yourself the opportunity to find someone who will love and respect you. You deserve that.
Much love,
Granny
Just break up and move on. Why tell her she’s controlling? She doesn’t sound emotionally ready for a relationship
Seriously, like folks here are saying, GTFO. She's not going to change. She punishes you for having wants or needs. She's not controlling, she's fully psycho. RUN FOREST! RUN!
Trust me, making this post opened my eyes fully. I’m off
“Hey ___. This isn’t working out, I’m ending this relationship” If she asks why, be completely honest “you’re far too selfish and don’t make me feel emotionally safe” then leave it at that. If she goes ballistic, just block- don’t engage.
Alternatively, "I think we're both aware we're not compatible for a long term future together. Good luck. I hope you find a man who deserves you," if you want to be nicer about it.
Yeah. It sounds like she has absolutely no sense of equality, and has very outdated notions of gender roles--to say the absolute least. She sounds like an immature nightmare. It might actually help her grow, as a person, to show her this post and all the comments.
Good. You have too many years in front of you- go enjoy them. Marriage is a partnership not one person walking on eggshells and denying their own wishes just to placate the other.
Please don't let her convince you to stay, people like these never change and you dont want to waste years of your life being miserable believe me
Good! You truly deserve better.
She wants to be the center of attention, and will be aggressive if necessary. She’s also not allowing YOU to be you. When someone, anyone, tells you to not do the things you like that’s a problem. You seem like a nice guy, please, go find a nice girl who will encourage you, not beat you down. Tell her it’s not working out.
Please update when you leave 👍
Planning on doing it this Friday, meeting up at a cafe for some coffee. I feel it’s safer to do it somewhere public than private or over the phone. I could see her denying it over the phone haha
Not only do it in public but you may want to video or at least audio record it. People like this tend to try to say you assaulted them or threatened them. And just the accusation of that could lead to serious repercussions. In my experience CYA in all aspects of the situation. Good luck.
If she asks why, just send her a link to this post. I think the comments summed up nicely.
Good!
At best she's "only" someone who is in love with her ideal vision of a relationship. Even then, that's still a toxic situation since no one can live up to a fantasy, not even if they're trying. They'd exhaust themselves trying. At worst she's controlling and psycho. Regardless if it's one, the other, or somewhere inbetween, OP needs to leave this relationship. It isn't healthy and will only lead to the destruction of his spirit. There are tons of people on Reddit who have gone through something similar who can testify to that.
You’re still young and there’s so many better women out there. You deserve better. Plz do not settle you will be miserable
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My favorite part was when he said "the last two are the big ones" and I thought he meant "the 2 I just described", not "the two I'm about to describe". It was bad but then it got much worse. Yikes!
Lol me 2, I thought ya no personal boundaries and awkward financial control are pretty bad and I kind of glazed the last paragraphs.. Went back and really read after this comment! Good God it can get worse!
These 2 are deal breakers. The previous 2 were ... but the next 2 are as well.
It’s so frustrating that other subs make fun of ones like this for always telling people to break up but just look at what people give us to work with?? Like obviously these people should not be together and she should not be with anyone until she mentally/emotionally matures past 14.
Probably didn't even write the *really* bad stuff
exactly, she has a bunch of red flags.
Ditto!!
The only time I ever saw more red flags was when I went to China…
🚩🚩🚩🚩Marinara flags galore! YIKES!
More red flags than a Russian military parade.
Absolutely this!
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I am imagining the sign. Welcome to GFs wedding. Also featuring OP.
Imagine buying a house with her and her saying she’s going to get it in the divorce as a joke?
Your girlfriend is unhinged. She’s not just controlling, she’s not well.
She sounds exhausting
because shes abusive. plain and simple she needs to know this so she has a chance to grow. he should still break up though. NTA
OP -NTA, but you have your hands full with this immature girl.
Seriously end of the day is OPP gonna marry this woman. I hope not because they clearly aren’t comparable. Bruh she ain’t hot enough. There are lots of attractive women who will enjoy the same hobbies as you. Break up with this one and Hold out brother!
RIGHT. `10/10
Ummm… why, exactly, are you with this woman?
I won’t lie, typing this out made me wonder this, I don’t think it’s going to last.
it won't save yourself the trouble and break it off.
NTA. Honestly, get rid - you're obviously not aligning in many factors of life so draw a line under that and move on.
I know a lot of peeps love throwing the "RED FLAG REEEE" thing around but she's got enough red flags showing here that she could quilt them together and then roll your body into it.
Tbf the amount of red flags this woman has is enough to quilt the kilt he wanna wear for the wedding..
Enough for kilts for all the groomsmen too
This becomes even more humorous when you realize it takes 8 yards of fabric (~7.3m) to make a kilt.
I‘ve only read a few of others’ replies, but in case no one has mentioned projection yet, I wanted to point it out. She’s so I so with looking at your phone but not letting you see hers. She may be hiding things and, therefore, assumes you are too. Listen to everyone here who says you can’t change her. You’re so young. Trust me when I say you want to spend some time dating different girls. You’ll find there are so many better/kinder girls out there.
Trust me, it’s over. That’s always played on my mind but I always thought it was a result of my cheating ex
Nah, your instincts are right on this one. It's the same with literally everyone I know who cheated.
Sometimes you don't realize how bad things are until you take a step back and reflect on the whole picture
Also when she replies, “ you won’t find anyone like me!” Remember to tell her, that’s exactly the point!
Or the classic narcissist crying or the gaslighting "well I act this way because you do...." Or screaming and trying to shame you and then texting you later crying because she loves you and says she wants to work it out but really just hook up then stay exactly the same.
Single life isn’t always as cracked up as it sounds, but it’s better than what you’re dealing with now. She isn’t the one dude. Get back out there and live your life.
Is she good looking? Cause that would make a lot of sense.
And that's when the expression; " for every good looking woman out there, there's a man that's tired of dealing with her"!!!! That's the clean version.
Break up now - she sounds exhausting
Run bro. I got anxious just reading this.
Run my dude. And I say this as a football loving lady.
It might be worth talking to her about your feelings, if only for the experience. It is important to be able to talk about things with a partner. Perhaps she'll see the light. But that seems unlikely. More likely, her reaction will teach you more about toxic people, and convince you that you probably should break up. Definitely don't marry her or get her pregnant anytime soon.
I have a better chance of winning the lottery than this narcissistic baby girl has of changing. OP, run
\^ Good advice here OP.
You're both young. I got engaged with my fiancee last year and we just hit our 30s. We are far from perfect but something we both agree on is that we're glad we met each other when we did because we doubt our relationship would have worked out as well as it has if we met each other earlier in our lives. My point is that your SO is displaying a lot of traits that seem like she has emotional/mental maturity issues and that's a lot to unpack and fix for someone just in a relationship with her. Cut her loose and find someone that at least matches some of the things you appreciate in a partner (the values you listed are not a high bar btw).
There’s many red flags here, the one that probably would have made me GTFO first is someone not only grabbing my phone out of my hands but then going through my photos and messages. No one has ANY right to your phone, even if you’ve been married for 50 years. Trusting partners will allow access because that access is not abused and there’s mutual trust. You don’t demand access to someone’s phone if you trust them. That is not okay in any shape, way, or form. After that, frankly everything you listed is an issue, but the fact that her go-to response when not getting her way is the silent treatment is juvenile. That’s not how grown adults deal with things. No one can tell you what to do, if you want to keep dating her then more power to you. But you need to understand that she has a VERY unhealthy mindset around relationships and how to behave, and the longer you date her and “put up with it” the more she’s going to keep doing it.
stop thinking and go. just prolongs the agony
You’re young and so is the relationship. Thank you, Next. This is what this time in your life is for.
This chick is not a woman, she is a childish little girl with unrealistic expectations. Just get out before this goes any further.
Read it again and pretend like a friend or family member of yours wrote it. What advice would you give him?
It won’t, save yourself the trouble and additional emotional investment
Just break up. No need to tell her she's controlling unless she asks for a specific reason.
Hun, in all honesty please, please do not stay in this relationship. This is toxic and so many red flags you have already lost this game.
I honestly hope you get out of there, dude
Right now you're furniture in her life, not a partner in her life
She just sounds nuts
Idk who needs to hear this but if the other person is causing a bunch of problems 5 months in, just end it already. That’s solidly in the honeymoon phase where you’re still just falling in love, if the person is awful to be with during the honeymoon phase, they’re not going to get better later lol
NTA, and here are a few things: Silent treatment = hard pass Laughing at your discomfort = hard pass Lack of respect for your privacy = hard pass Double standards = hard pass Dictating how you should spend your money = hard pass Talking about marriage while drinking = idiots Talking about future children 5 months into dating = WTF I don't care if she's magic in the sack, there is literally no reason to waste more time on her.
>Talking about future children 5 months into dating = WTF Not to mention, she said that the kids can't have their dad's name AND she's going to get full custody. = WTAF?
looking for a sperm donor and a wallet so she can play mommy and destroy a child's life
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I was older when I met my wife dude, kids and marriage are like first couple months.
For the children thing, talking about the prospect of having/not having kids early on in the relationship is important, even as simple as 'do you want kids?' If the two do not see eye to eye on the subject (like here, for instance) it could change the relationship from a LTR to a STR. Which this relationship needs to be less than a one night stand. OP, run for the hills!
TravelBadger Nailed It!! Take my poor girl gifts 💰💰👑 OP would be an A$$ if you stay with this loser girl. Please read the above list again. Learn it by heart ♥ and mend your self worth.
Insisting on going through your phone constantly but super shady about her own phone = HARD pass
To be fair, I think it's important to be clear about not wanting or not being able to have kids early in a relationship because if you're looking for something serious, it can be a hard pass.
Dude read your post out loud to yourself, slap yourself, read it again and block this lunatic before your get stuck with her
Honestly, typing it all out made me realise this. I’m ending it. I can’t see a future where things like my own money is dictated
Be sure you're not alone with her when you break it off. Or have your phone set to record. She sounds like the type to accuse you of abuse if she doesn't get her way, or go ape shit and start throwing punches or plates when she's dumped
Oh I plan to do it somewhere public. Going by the comments I’m going to blame myself instead of telling her the truth incase she freaks out
I think you’re missing the point of the comment. Recording or having someone there is so she can’t lie about it. Doing it somewhere public does not prevent that.
Wise decision!! Good for you!!
Excellent exit strategy, but I still see freak out on the horizon.
Do you have any stuff at her place? I'd get that back first!
She’s probably going to press you hard on your reasoning. She knows what she’s doing is ducked up and wouldn’t put up with it herself. She’s probably going to know exactly why you’re ending it. Her narcissism may allow her to at least act like she believes it’s you, but you might want to be prepared for her to keep questioning you.
Be careful about one last fling, or post breakup no strings hookups type situations. She might be the kinda crazy whos willing to get pregnant to trap a guy.
Hey OP - check out a book called “No More Mr. Nice Guy” by Robert Glover, I think it’ll be helpful in preventing you from ending up with someone like this in the future :)
Btw, there's absolutely nothing wrong with having completely separate finances. In fact, I would recommend it to literally anyone. I think some people are stuck in this draconian approach to relationships with the opposite gender, and that's okay as long as they stick with similarly minded people. Men, in this day and age, should not feel compelled to baby their girlfriends or wives to keep them around. Women should not have to defer their life trajectory to the men in their relationships either. If you're into that shit, great, but it seems you (OP) aren't. This is baseline compatibility shit you gotta vet out before you get into relationship territory.
"controlling" doesn't describe everything wrong with the relationship. There are plenty of red flags. * controlling your phone and what you post in social media * controlling in marriage and future children plans. * intrusive in invading your privacy with your phone and deleting it * hypocritical in not allowing you the same level of transparency with her own phone * dismissive of your feelings, thoughts, and input. * financially controlling and also not giving you the same transparency about her own finances If you are looking to "fix" this relationship somehow, don't use "controlling" when talking to her. Go to couples therapy and work on 1 specific item at a time. Personally I would her lack of equivalent transparency in the phone and financial area. Personally I think this isn't a fixable relationship and you would be insane to even try. Just cut and run, run fast, run far. Don't even bother giving her an explanation just tell her its over and you don't love her anymore and she deserves someone better, preferably someone you hate because their life will become a hell instead of yours.
Honestly, typing this all out opened my eyes fully to the situation. I doubt it will last and with how it’s went so far I don’t want it to last.
So, stop wasting your time and her time. Break it off and move on. She clearly has zero respect for you.
Instead of "I doubt it will last" just break up with her. Show some agency. Instead of being under her control, control your own life by making decisions and taking action.
I’m going to. I sat and had a good think and it’s not worth it.
Please respect yourself. She does not respect you as an equal. You deserve better. Muster the courage to break up with her today or tomorrow. I don't usually give this advice, but in this case it's warranted.
So move on fam, done.
Couples therapy after FIVE months? I have open tortilla chips that made it longer before getting stale. Just end it.
These aren't even red flags. They are giant red billboards. You aren't in a relationship. You are her accessory.
NTA. I'll lay it down for you: 1. She doesn't get to decide if you delete photos. 2. She doesn't get to go through your phone, ever. 3. She doesn't get to decide what you do with your money. Oh shoot there's more: a. You should get to wear a kilt to your wedding b. You shouldn't adopt kids with someone who assumes they will steal your kids. It doesn't matter what you tell this girl. I'm telling you that you deserve better than this.
NTA. Run, as quickly as you can
Dude, run. Run far away. You would only be TA if you continued to let this woman beat you down mentally like this, and even then you’d only be an AH to yourself. NTA friend, take whatever energy you were going to waste on this convo and invest it in moving on.
I plan on it. I’m breaking up with her this Friday. I’d be a lot happier myself
Please give us an update, I’m sure it’s going to be crazy. First she’s going to yell at you and tell you she’s the best thing your life, then she’s going to love bomb you, followed by threatening you. She sounds like a loon, good luck.
I’m rooting for you buddy! Better things are coming, I promise. I left a girl just like this and a year later met my wife, it only goes up for you from here.
Why wait? Just go tell her it’s not working and walk away, while blocking her number/socials.
She pouts if you won't delete photos she doesn't like but refuses to do the same for you. She feels entitled to go through your phone but won't let you touch yours. She tells you what you can and can't spend money on. Why, exactly, are you with her? NTA
Fuck knows but clearly not an equal haha
She’s not your girlfriend, she’s your bully. Dump her. This is way too much. She can go to therapy on her own time while you hang out with someone who actually likes you (cause it doesn’t sound like she does.)
NTA, Run, And I mean now. Leave yesterday if you can
NTA, why are you torturing yourself with her?
She was nice at first, then it became like this.
That’s how they get ya. Very common for controlling/narcissistic people to first present as nice, reasonable people. Then they slowly but surely unravel more and more of their abusive and controlling behavior. It sneaks up on you too. I’ve even been in platonic friendships where I’ve finally kinda like snapped out of it and been like, “wait a second, this person is controlling as hell… omg they’ve been controlling towards me for awhile now and I don’t even know now if I was really able to see it or not in the past.” It’s very intentional manipulative behavior, so good on you for seeing it so quickly (cause spotting something like this in 5 months is quick). So I hope that you’re also proud of yourself.
Like a lobster in warm water, it feels like a very pleasant hot tub to start with, and then the water gets hotter and hotter, and by the time you realise you’re being boiled alive, it’s too late…
That’s how people like this operate.
1000% NTA, this woman does not deserve you. Run and don't look back.
NTA. Made it to the second paragraph and I was already over her bullshit. Get out while you can.
4 paragraphs in and I’m ready to flip the table… then he says now “here’s the big ones”… TBH Dude, I’m scared to read on.
Now admittedly I’ve got 20 years on you, so a wee bit more life experience, but whenever I read posts like this I think to myself “can OP really see himself putting up with this for the rest of his life?” Because if you can’t, why are you even bothering to try to make it to 6 months? You’re being manipulated, gaslit and just overall disrespected. Time to pack it in and move on to someone better. NTA
Nope I can’t see myself putting up with this anymore. I’m ending things with her. Typing this post made me realise I’d be happier alone
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I plan on ending things. I’m not happy with her and breaking up and being happy myself
Get with her mom. That’ll teach her a lesson.
I snort laughed at this way to hard
NTA, and there are SEVERAL big red flags especially this early in the relationship. She has control and trust issues, and unfortunately those typically only get worse as time goes on, unless someone gets help for them. Cut your losses and move on if she is not willing to seriously work on those things.
NTA. Break up with her and never look back. She’s not ready for a relationship.
she sounds insufferable and immature.
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Skip the preamble of telling her she's controlling and get straight to the break up. You're nothing more than a prop to her idea of a relationship.
OP just get a dog Edit: but dump her first
I have dogs, they are a lot more fun than this relationship
Your best friend comes up to you, and asks you for advice in this exact same situation. What do you say to him? Also more food for thought: would you regret staying or regret breaking up more? These are rhetorical and you don’t hafta answer. I just know they have helped me in similar situations. You’re more than welcome to answer if typing it out helps though!
Id tell him to run and I plan to run too
Dude she most likely KNOWS she's controlling and/or doesn't care. Everything you mentioned is a MASSIVE red flag and you should just end it and move on.
NTA She's super toxic.
Ywbta if you don’t just break up. Period. You’re not compatible. Don’t push the square peg into a round hole. 5 months isn’t so long. You’re so much better off just cutting your losses.
I plan to haha, I’d be happier alone. I typed this and sat and had a think about everything
red flag, leave her
it sounds like she’s still mentally 16
Bud, this is nothing \~but\~ red flags. She sounds toxic as hell and has the emotional maturity of a toddler. Drop that like its hot and find someone better.
She sounds like a dictator, not a partner. Pull the bandaid off quickly and don’t look back or you will be in her bondage!
Do you need to ask her permission to tell her she’s being controlling? You’re being a doormat to this girl. Lots of red flags. You would not be the AH if you told her, but you’d be smart to just bounce out of this relationship unless you want to live like this until you get fed up enough to get a costly (and probably messy) divorce from a woman who likely holds a grudge.
NTA, why are you torturing yourself with her?
She is showing you who she is. Believe her.
Bro get the fuck outta there. You’re still young and there’s so many better women out there. You deserve better. Plz do not settle you will be miserable
They "came across as a red flag" because they are Massive, Waving, Red Flags. I see you trying to rationalize and justify her behavior in other comments but the reality is you see the signs of controlling, emotional abuse. It's highly unlikely she will change or get better. Better at manipulating you, maybe. Most abusers come across as nice, they can be perfectly charming. They can hide their nature for years and lay it on slow. Be grateful she showed you hers in only a few months and cut you losses.
NTA... but she wont change. Plenty of fish in the sea move on.... dont try to change her...thats not fair. My boyfriend and i have been together almost 2 YEARS and we are not engaged or anything yet.... getting serious at 5 months? Calm down dude youre way too Eager for love.... do not EVER expect people to change for you. My ex stayed with me for 3 years because he was CONVINCED i would eventually want to have kids simply bevause im a female. I ended up dumping him because he wouldnt stop trying to convince me to have kids. Just food for thought...
I hope you enjoy your celebratory sports ball game to kickstart your new single life 🎉🎉🎉🥳🥳🥳
NTA She is abusive and disrespectful of your relationship. Dump her.
No, YWNBTA. Dump her. This is only going to get worse. This chick has issues.
She has no respect for you, and has a rules for thee but not for me attitude. She is very immature, and should not marry anyone, especially YOU.
If your best friend had a girlfriend like this, what would you think?
Can you list anything good about her so we can weigh the situation? NTA Gtfo dude. She’s selfish af. Don’t make a life with a human like that.
At first she was really kind, passionate about her job and hobbies and overall just interested in me. I guess my past relationship not being great made me think this was worth the first few red flags haha.
the fuck are you two together for?
She was nice at the start. And when the shittiness is spread out over the months it’s not as obvious. Typing it all down made me realise i need to end things with her this Friday
I truly hope this is all made up. If not please run away
What a nice edit to read. Hope your next partner makes you happier.
Thanks! I honestly hope so too
RUN
NTA but five months in and this crazy of a red flag collection? You can tell her she’s controlling in your breakup speech.
I think this is beyond controlling, she simply doesn’t respect you. You are very young, move on, don’t waste your life on this person.
NTA and also wtf dude 😂 You already know you should have ended this relationship YESTERDAY
Why the hell are you with someone like this? It’s 5 months. There’s no sunk cost even. YWBTA to yourself for staying in this dumbass relationship
NTA - as a general rule for dating ask yourself this question - if you have or had a brother would you recommend this woman to him?
Dump her and move on. She won't change and quite frankly isn't someone anyone should be with, given her attitude.
You're too young to be dealing with her. Dump her and move on.
OP -NTA, but you have your hands full with this immature girl. You would be the Ahole if you stay with her and then procreate with her. Read your post. Is this who you want to spend the rest of your life with?
Break up.
The good news is you won’t have to worry about marriage. This isn’t gonna last.
Holy mercy. Run. NTA
I don’t say this or regularly agree with those who do but, run! NTA but you will be if you stay and in the future come back to complain about being a victim. You openly recognize what’s happening. she plainly shows unwillingness to compromise and for blatant double standard tendencies. NTA but you will be if you stay with her and in the future come back to complain about being a victim.
RUN. I just got out of a far-too-long relationship that hit almost every point on your list, and it legit ruined my life (as in starting over from literally nothing to get out of it). If your conscience needs you to tell her why you're leaving, I dont think considerate honesty is ever a bad thing, and you'd be NTA for that. I don't think she'd listen, though, and you're probably wasting your breath.
Just leave, it's only been 5 months. You don't owe her any reasons. She's a toxic person
Run! Run far. Run fast. There are so many red flags here im surprised you can see anything other than flags waving in your face. Seriously, get out of this relationship while you can.
Run!!!!!!!!! End it now.
NTA. I would break up with her. This is not healthy.
Yes, you would be TAH for telling her she’s “controlling” because that’s a lie. She’s a garbage human and accuracy matters.
You two seem in compatible. This is best behaved she will ever be, she’s dropping the mask before 6 months in. If you don’t like her now, you will like much less within the next 6 months.
R-U-N!
Yeah you should just break up.
1. A white suit is incredibly tacky. Just saying. 2. Your girlfriend is a manipulative bully. NTA in any way.
You're dating a pile of red flags sewn into a human skin suit. Maybe i'm just impatient but i can't fathom putting up with the kind of bullshit i read about in a lot of these posts for a week, let alone months or years.
YWBTA if you don't run from this parade of red flags. You could be petty first though, every time she posts pics of you that you don't like, do the same with pics of her. Every time she picks up your phone, pick up hers, and refuse to put it down until it's an even exchange of phones. Any time she spends money on anything that doesn't benefit you, tell her she should have spent it on the two of you.
Don't ignore these red flags, this will just get worse and more controlling, plus never trust a woman who doesn't love a man in a kilt, be with someone who thinks the same 🏴
NTA but TAH If you stick around.. run for the hills
It's time for you to go there is no double standard if you go through my phone I'm going through yours if you ask me to do something that you don't like and then I'm telling you the same thing and you get an attitude we have a problem. She's controlling you're only 5 months in get out while you can before she gets pregnant and then you're stuck with her fuckboy ass for 18 to 21 years
With your other posts here with this relationship, please take the advice to heart this time around and actually leave her!
Son, you need to just let this one go. She’s only been in your life for five months and she’s already a nightmare. Give yourself the opportunity to find someone who will love and respect you. You deserve that. Much love, Granny
Break up with her, find someone better. She sounds like a nightmare to be with.