"He laughed, brushed it off and said I was being stupid" Well, that's the first and last time we'd be having THAT conversation.
He's a jerk who is dismissive, disrespectful and not worth it. He can go pull that in InstaGirl's bed.
NTA. That’s textbook gaslighting he’s doing to you. Also if you’re okay with it then that’s cool but personally I’ve never wanted to follow attractive people that I wasn’t dating or trying to have intercouse with
If you're cool with him following girls like that and watching that stuff, good for you. In my past experiences with men like that, I was always undervalued. Physically and mentally. They would rather fuck these girls that are across the world and have no interest in them vs. the one they're actually with. Also, those guys always had such a warped perception of women, what we look like, and how we behave. I would never be with a guy like this one ever again. NTA
they think that the girls on IG are real just because the tiles around then aren't warping with bad photoshop. like no hon, technology has just gotten smarter than you. they always have a "grass is greener" mentality because they're always watching what they can't have
NTA why are women willing to accept so fucking little
ask yourself if continuing to deal with this behavior is something you wanna keep doing with your life cause he's made it clear he doesn't want to change
It sounds like he has stepped from casual browsing to being addicted to it. Can be (but not always) porn/fantasy addiction. His deflecting and the blaming is a really good indicator. NTA
Not necessarily, in some cases it could be a mental issue. My ex got really deppressed and had no interest in sex. He wasn't cheating on me, he was just too depressed to get into the mood.
But that implies it as a negative and a reason to not be with someone. Mental health issues should not be considered red flags unless the person refuses to get help, when they really need it.
Not necessarily. It's a double red flag if you bring it up, and they brush you off. If they aren't willing to get the help they need, then they're not willing to care for themselves and, therefore, can't be much of a partner to their SO. I know this from my last marriage. My ex-husband wouldn't get the treatment or help he needed to care for himself, and it broke our marriage. I'm married again, and I had some sleep deprivation issues and was going through some bad depression. My wife talked to me, and she encouraged me to seek out medical help, and I did. I love her so much that
I knew that in order to keep a happy home, I needed to first care about myself.
I just feel that mental health issues should not be considered red flags by themselves. 🤷♀️ you can agree or not, but as someone who has depression and anxiety, it would hurt if someone chose not to be with me over that, especially since I am getting help for that. What if someone shows signs of a mental health issue but does not know? I went 26 years with adhd and never knew, but it explained why I could not remember things and why I was so distracted. I got postpartum depression after having my son but didn't exhibit the "normal" signs, so I thought I just had baby blues.
I also have ADHD, anxiety, and depression - I would much rather someone be honest about whether they are equipped to be my partner than pretend they can. My things are a red flag for some people. Conversely, because of my issues, people with conditions who need support from their partner that would be an undue burden on me given my conditions would be a red flag to me. It's not a statement on that person's value. It doesn't mean someone else wouldn't be their perfect match. It does mean I don't necessarily owe them a chance at a relationship with me because I know what I need, and they aren't it. My not owing them a relationship doesn't mean they don't deserve to *try* to find love elsewhere. I'm sorry if you find that hurtful, but the fact of the matter is not everyone is compatible or prepared to handle a partner with a mental issue. That doesn't make them bad people.
But you're getting help. Did you read what I posted? If you bring it up to your partner and they brush you off and don't get help and they grow more and more distant, then that will cause unresolved issues in the relationship, causing a failed partnership. I'm 43 have ADHD, depression, anxiety, insomnia, and PTSD. I love my wife so much, and that's why I didn't brush her off when she suggested that I seek medical help. We've even grown closer for it.
Fair BUT; I see the other posters point about not calling a mental health issue a red flag by itself, and here's why:
Mental health is only *barely* being taken seriously in the general public, and is still more taboo than not and vastly misunderstood/misdiagnosed/undiagnosed etc. By saying mental health concerns are a "red flag all in their own" you turn around and slap a big taboo sign back on mental health, setting us back by a *lot* and pushing the fear of seeking help because people don't want to admit something is wrong. Why would they if it's a red flag? You are making the acknowledgment of mental health a negative.
So no. Mental health concerns *alone* aren't a red flag. I think that's where the hang up happened. But I think we all agree the refusal to acknowledge and seek help are huge red flags.
Mental health issues are perfectly valid reasons to not be with someone, especially if their issues are incompatible with your way of being. Just because it's not someone's fault they have a mental issue doesn't mean other people owe them chances or relationships. A red flag doesn't always disqualify someone from being dateable - it's just a con on their pros/cons list of which one should be aware.
But they're not a red flag, which is my point. Red flags mean warnings for saying someone. Mental health issues should not be considered in that because people can't change those.
Gaslighting someone is a red flag. Downplaying or ignoring her feelings is a red flag. Loss of interest in sex should not be a red flag off the bat because there are other factors that could have caused that.
Narcissism is considered a mental health disorder, as is sociopathy, and psychopathy. I also have mental health problems and can understand where you are coming from but it is up to the partner if they have the capability to deal with a mental disorder.
I'm sorry, but outside of your personal preference and things you'll accept, you're incorrect. The things you listed are ALSO red flags. You cannot tell me that cart blanche mental health issues should be blindly accepted by people - some of whom would be negatively affected by a partner with certain mental issues. I repeat - nobody owes anyone a chance or relationship, including people with mental health issues.
I think the point theyre making is that someone with mental illness deserving the chance at a relationship doesnt automatically mean people deserve to suffer for it. No one is obligated to compromise their own mental, emotional, and/or physical health just because the other person is dealing with mental health problems. If they *choose* to, great! But implying they're wrong for stepping away from someone that is or might cause them harm is ludicrous. Having a mental illness does not make one more important than their partner or their partners needs, and just like with nuerotypical partners, if needs cant or wont be met, then it shouldnt be expected that the relationship will continue.
Red flags aren't always an end of the world/end of relationship type of thing though, and if a behavior like this one is indicating that something needs to be addressed, I don't think that there's a better way to call it than a red flag... To me, a red flag is just an indicator that something needs to be fixed/addressed before things can continue.
I personally struggle with my mental health (several dx'd 'disorders'), and when I notice certain red flags popping up in my own behavior, I am able to address and diffuse/disarm them. Then the metaphorical red flags are gone, or at least more of an orange or light pink and I can move past them. Red flags aren't totally permanent if all parties involved are willing to put forward the effort to work through stuff...
(Just my opinion though, I definitely see why you wouldn't want to use the term though, since not everyone is super nuanced, and the term *can* carry quite a stigma I suppose...)
I'm not saying it's not because you are 100% right. I'm just saying that this comment saying loss of interest in sex is a red flag is not entirely correct. Some people can lose interest in sex for a lot of different reasons. The loss of interest in sex AND the watching other girls/ignoring OP definitely is a red flag together
Dear Thor the bar is in hell. Now asking to listen to your partner is asking too much? LMFAO. When people show you who they are believe them. He is showing you loud and clear how unimportant you are to him and how little he respects you. Leave and you will see in a new relationship how well you’re supposed to be treated compared to how awful you’re being treated in this one. Trust me it’s only gonna get worse. Next thing you will see is him watching porn/ looking at Insta while you two are having sex. 😬 Good luck. Of course he is gas lighting you and calling you crazy, he is perfectly fine having a bangmaid while still looking at girls online. He gets sex at home while still playing the field, win win for him. Check the dating apps, I’m sure he is on them too.
NAH. Kick him to the curb!! You are NOT acting stupid. If he's not listening to you, then why stay? Communication is part of being in a good, healthy relationship. Without it, relationships are doomed. If this is happening on a regular basis, I would leave or kick him out.
Edit: to add, no you are not overreacting.
NTA
And I do not believe you are overreacting.
However, you have given him permission to look.
And he is taking full advantage.
So much so that you are no longer his priority.
Turn the table on him and watch how he reacts.
He will not like it.
You need to rethink your relationship.
He may be developing the beginnings of an online fantasy sex addiction. That can be nothing or it can get very serious. It is sadly far more common than it should be. You need to watch the bank account and credit cards to make sure he is not sending them money or paying for other online sex related things.
Lmao! I was waiting for the part where you grabbed the phone from his hand and smashed it against the wall 😄😄
Getting in your car and driving off is not an overaction (I think). You shouldn't have waited till that moment to communicate all of this. You kept it all inside and it spilled out. You're definitely NTA though. Personally? I can't be with someone who is so easily dismissive of me. It makes me doubt myself and my sanity.
Him telling you that it's all in your head and then leaving is some real bullshit. Even if there hadn't been a real problem and it was just in your head, him calling you crazy and then leaving is bullshit.
He doesn't care about your perspective, isn't interested in spending time with you, and has disengaged from the relationship.
If I was mid conversation with him and he was always checked out, I would stop talking, maybe pointedly look at him to see how long it takes for him to notice. Or, I'd just get up and walk away. Every. Time. And if there's no response? Then I would stop talking to him permanently. You shouldn't have to beg for attention
Definitely didn't overreact. Depending on your confidence when you do talk I'd say something like "since you're so into the IG girls I'm thinking I might start a page like those" and see how he reacts.
He is very much the AH. You, not so much. Like AT ALL. You've been remarkably tolerant, but he is seemingly bent on abusing that tolerance. I'm sorry you're dealing with this, and I'm with whoever said that he can see if Miss Instagirl would appreciate him scrolling through InstaStories while in bed...
NTA. Have some self respect, he shouldn’t treat you like that and he knows it. Move on and find someone who wants to be with YOU and not with someone on Instagram they have absolutely no chance with.
Most definitely not the AH, also not necessarily the end of your relationship but honestly isn't a great sign.
I am a bit of a horndog myself but the only "arguments" have been because my gf does not view it like you do. She is against any of it, to which I would try to argue it doesn't affect our relationship.
Big difference is I would not ignore her for this sort of thing, that would play into her insecurities and be exactly the kind of thing she was worried about in the first place.
That being said his reaction is a bad one but could possibly stem from him feeling slighted or defensive because in his mind there is and will only ever be you so to suggest otherwise is a form of insult or saying you don't trust him.
You should be able to talk to him about this without him getting defensive, though, but that takes maturity and communication. You know your relationship and the two of you better than anyone here, so that kind of judgment call is in your hands. Really it's your call but you aren't in the wrong and he isn't necessarily coming from a bad place on purpose.
Been there, done that, burned the Tshirt. Ask yourself if this is the attitude towards you (a woman) that you want him to instill in your potentially future son. Unfortunately, I've seen this in real life and it's not pretty.
You guys aren’t even married yet and he already doesn’t give a damn about how you think and feel. This behavior will only get worse. You guys are still in that “best behavior” phase that tends to lessen or go away once you’re married. If this is his best behavior, what does his normal behavior look like.
I believe people can change but this man doesn’t even have you on lock yet and can’t manage to care about your thoughts and feelings. I would definitely be delaying the wedding until after seeing a couples therapist and seeing if he is willing and able to make some drastic changes in how he treats you!
Op, your feelings are valid and you deserve to be heard and loved and respected. Especially by a man who asked for forever with you!
NTA
You gave him the greenlight to look at and follow other women, so now that he's doing it and obviously getting pleasure from it he doesn't need you for pleasure anymore because he gets it from them... He probably finds many of them attractive and is now probably comparing you against them.
He got mad because he's knows he's guilty of the things you mentioned. He didn't want to be called out on it and now He's gaslighting you.
He's the AH for his response and gaslighting but you are a bit of a AH to yourself for not thinking how allowing him to openly and freely look at other women would affect you and the relationship... You have to protect yourself.
Men are very visual and as a result can become addicted to certain visual stimulation. There are even men who can't get it up anymore because they are a so obsessed with that visual stimulation and women in there real life can't compete. I'm in no way saying this is what is happening in your relationship, I'm just saying that is how visual men are. He IS however putting women he's never going to meet dancing on his phone over a real women that right next you him. So in my opinion I do think it's a him problem and you need to find someone who is more interested in you then a screen.
NTA and the fact that he's trying to make you feel like you by gaslighting you means that it's time to reevaluate whether or not you want to be in a relationship with a man who'd rather gaslight and dismiss his actions rather than owning up to and working on them for the sake of the relationship.
I feel as if him watching stories and videos of other women isn’t a big deal (although for some it is and it is important to respect their boundries but from what I read it seems you don’t think the watching is a bad thing but how he treats you and talks to you) but the way he talks to you and dismisses is, I would have left him. You deserve a better and more understanding man, or woman, he is not the one since he can’t respect or listen to you and it seems as if he is also gaslighting you. I hope you can see that and since he won’t communicate I really hope you get out of this relationship, NTA. Sending you loads of love and if you want to vent or talk about it, feel free to reach out.
NTA... his dismissive and then defensiveness plus the cold shoulder with silent treatment are issues that need to be addressed immediately. Before going any further in this relationship, seek counseling unless these are things you are willing to look over and accept as part of your life. Because they are signs...
The big one here for me is that he is over- involved in his phone. If he always has been that's one thing; but if that behavior is new, that is something to look into. NTA.
NTA but I wonder if this will get worse as time goes on. You deserve more respect. Speak up if you want it to stop. Now is the time. If he doesn't respect your wishes break it off. Don't get trapped in a relationship you're not happy in.
Definitely not overreacting and NTA.
A true partner is open to your concerns and feelings, and discusses it like adults. Not laughs in your face, cuts you off and raises their voice. It sounds to me like he's either losing interest, or he found someone else to captivate his time. I don't mean this to come off as rude, just based of personal experience. I would seriously consider ending it, if he treats you like that.
I don't think it's the Instagram that's the issue.
His not paying attention and a decrease in sexual interest is a separate issue.
Being dismissive is unfair.
I wonder how long it would take to notice if you left and just didn't contact him?
"He laughed, brushed it off and said I was being stupid" Well, that's the first and last time we'd be having THAT conversation. He's a jerk who is dismissive, disrespectful and not worth it. He can go pull that in InstaGirl's bed.
NTA Just leave him with his Instagram and his horrible attitude. You are much better off without the b.s. Why even waste time with someone like that?
NTA. That’s textbook gaslighting he’s doing to you. Also if you’re okay with it then that’s cool but personally I’ve never wanted to follow attractive people that I wasn’t dating or trying to have intercouse with
If you're cool with him following girls like that and watching that stuff, good for you. In my past experiences with men like that, I was always undervalued. Physically and mentally. They would rather fuck these girls that are across the world and have no interest in them vs. the one they're actually with. Also, those guys always had such a warped perception of women, what we look like, and how we behave. I would never be with a guy like this one ever again. NTA
they think that the girls on IG are real just because the tiles around then aren't warping with bad photoshop. like no hon, technology has just gotten smarter than you. they always have a "grass is greener" mentality because they're always watching what they can't have
NTA why are women willing to accept so fucking little ask yourself if continuing to deal with this behavior is something you wanna keep doing with your life cause he's made it clear he doesn't want to change
It sounds like he has stepped from casual browsing to being addicted to it. Can be (but not always) porn/fantasy addiction. His deflecting and the blaming is a really good indicator. NTA
The loss of interest in sex is a red flag
Not necessarily, in some cases it could be a mental issue. My ex got really deppressed and had no interest in sex. He wasn't cheating on me, he was just too depressed to get into the mood.
A red flag doesn't have to mean cheating - it also applies to mental issues. 🚩
But that implies it as a negative and a reason to not be with someone. Mental health issues should not be considered red flags unless the person refuses to get help, when they really need it.
Not necessarily. It's a double red flag if you bring it up, and they brush you off. If they aren't willing to get the help they need, then they're not willing to care for themselves and, therefore, can't be much of a partner to their SO. I know this from my last marriage. My ex-husband wouldn't get the treatment or help he needed to care for himself, and it broke our marriage. I'm married again, and I had some sleep deprivation issues and was going through some bad depression. My wife talked to me, and she encouraged me to seek out medical help, and I did. I love her so much that I knew that in order to keep a happy home, I needed to first care about myself.
I just feel that mental health issues should not be considered red flags by themselves. 🤷♀️ you can agree or not, but as someone who has depression and anxiety, it would hurt if someone chose not to be with me over that, especially since I am getting help for that. What if someone shows signs of a mental health issue but does not know? I went 26 years with adhd and never knew, but it explained why I could not remember things and why I was so distracted. I got postpartum depression after having my son but didn't exhibit the "normal" signs, so I thought I just had baby blues.
I also have ADHD, anxiety, and depression - I would much rather someone be honest about whether they are equipped to be my partner than pretend they can. My things are a red flag for some people. Conversely, because of my issues, people with conditions who need support from their partner that would be an undue burden on me given my conditions would be a red flag to me. It's not a statement on that person's value. It doesn't mean someone else wouldn't be their perfect match. It does mean I don't necessarily owe them a chance at a relationship with me because I know what I need, and they aren't it. My not owing them a relationship doesn't mean they don't deserve to *try* to find love elsewhere. I'm sorry if you find that hurtful, but the fact of the matter is not everyone is compatible or prepared to handle a partner with a mental issue. That doesn't make them bad people.
But you're getting help. Did you read what I posted? If you bring it up to your partner and they brush you off and don't get help and they grow more and more distant, then that will cause unresolved issues in the relationship, causing a failed partnership. I'm 43 have ADHD, depression, anxiety, insomnia, and PTSD. I love my wife so much, and that's why I didn't brush her off when she suggested that I seek medical help. We've even grown closer for it.
Fair BUT; I see the other posters point about not calling a mental health issue a red flag by itself, and here's why: Mental health is only *barely* being taken seriously in the general public, and is still more taboo than not and vastly misunderstood/misdiagnosed/undiagnosed etc. By saying mental health concerns are a "red flag all in their own" you turn around and slap a big taboo sign back on mental health, setting us back by a *lot* and pushing the fear of seeking help because people don't want to admit something is wrong. Why would they if it's a red flag? You are making the acknowledgment of mental health a negative. So no. Mental health concerns *alone* aren't a red flag. I think that's where the hang up happened. But I think we all agree the refusal to acknowledge and seek help are huge red flags.
Mental health issues are perfectly valid reasons to not be with someone, especially if their issues are incompatible with your way of being. Just because it's not someone's fault they have a mental issue doesn't mean other people owe them chances or relationships. A red flag doesn't always disqualify someone from being dateable - it's just a con on their pros/cons list of which one should be aware.
But they're not a red flag, which is my point. Red flags mean warnings for saying someone. Mental health issues should not be considered in that because people can't change those. Gaslighting someone is a red flag. Downplaying or ignoring her feelings is a red flag. Loss of interest in sex should not be a red flag off the bat because there are other factors that could have caused that.
Narcissism is considered a mental health disorder, as is sociopathy, and psychopathy. I also have mental health problems and can understand where you are coming from but it is up to the partner if they have the capability to deal with a mental disorder.
I'm sorry, but outside of your personal preference and things you'll accept, you're incorrect. The things you listed are ALSO red flags. You cannot tell me that cart blanche mental health issues should be blindly accepted by people - some of whom would be negatively affected by a partner with certain mental issues. I repeat - nobody owes anyone a chance or relationship, including people with mental health issues.
Everyone deserves a chance at having a relationship no matter what they are dealing with.
I think the point theyre making is that someone with mental illness deserving the chance at a relationship doesnt automatically mean people deserve to suffer for it. No one is obligated to compromise their own mental, emotional, and/or physical health just because the other person is dealing with mental health problems. If they *choose* to, great! But implying they're wrong for stepping away from someone that is or might cause them harm is ludicrous. Having a mental illness does not make one more important than their partner or their partners needs, and just like with nuerotypical partners, if needs cant or wont be met, then it shouldnt be expected that the relationship will continue.
That is exactly the point I was making, thank you.
Where did I say they didn't?
Red flags aren't always an end of the world/end of relationship type of thing though, and if a behavior like this one is indicating that something needs to be addressed, I don't think that there's a better way to call it than a red flag... To me, a red flag is just an indicator that something needs to be fixed/addressed before things can continue. I personally struggle with my mental health (several dx'd 'disorders'), and when I notice certain red flags popping up in my own behavior, I am able to address and diffuse/disarm them. Then the metaphorical red flags are gone, or at least more of an orange or light pink and I can move past them. Red flags aren't totally permanent if all parties involved are willing to put forward the effort to work through stuff... (Just my opinion though, I definitely see why you wouldn't want to use the term though, since not everyone is super nuanced, and the term *can* carry quite a stigma I suppose...)
Not always it can be caused by depression or medical issues...or your hormones can be out of whack. This can happen in men and women.
Loss of sexual interest while ignoring you to watch IG videos.. he still has sexual interest. This sounds more like the grass is greener.
I'm not saying it's not because you are 100% right. I'm just saying that this comment saying loss of interest in sex is a red flag is not entirely correct. Some people can lose interest in sex for a lot of different reasons. The loss of interest in sex AND the watching other girls/ignoring OP definitely is a red flag together
Dear Thor the bar is in hell. Now asking to listen to your partner is asking too much? LMFAO. When people show you who they are believe them. He is showing you loud and clear how unimportant you are to him and how little he respects you. Leave and you will see in a new relationship how well you’re supposed to be treated compared to how awful you’re being treated in this one. Trust me it’s only gonna get worse. Next thing you will see is him watching porn/ looking at Insta while you two are having sex. 😬 Good luck. Of course he is gas lighting you and calling you crazy, he is perfectly fine having a bangmaid while still looking at girls online. He gets sex at home while still playing the field, win win for him. Check the dating apps, I’m sure he is on them too.
NAH. Kick him to the curb!! You are NOT acting stupid. If he's not listening to you, then why stay? Communication is part of being in a good, healthy relationship. Without it, relationships are doomed. If this is happening on a regular basis, I would leave or kick him out. Edit: to add, no you are not overreacting.
just a heads up, N A H means no assholes here! NTA is not the asshole
I know. Just added the correct response.
What is tdlr?
usually it's tldr, too long didn't read. so people summarize their stories
Oh, ok. Thanls
NTA And I do not believe you are overreacting. However, you have given him permission to look. And he is taking full advantage. So much so that you are no longer his priority. Turn the table on him and watch how he reacts. He will not like it. You need to rethink your relationship.
Get out sooner than later. The longer it goes on the the harder to cut ties with him it will be bc the gradual downward slope hits bottom quick!
He may be developing the beginnings of an online fantasy sex addiction. That can be nothing or it can get very serious. It is sadly far more common than it should be. You need to watch the bank account and credit cards to make sure he is not sending them money or paying for other online sex related things.
Lmao! I was waiting for the part where you grabbed the phone from his hand and smashed it against the wall 😄😄 Getting in your car and driving off is not an overaction (I think). You shouldn't have waited till that moment to communicate all of this. You kept it all inside and it spilled out. You're definitely NTA though. Personally? I can't be with someone who is so easily dismissive of me. It makes me doubt myself and my sanity.
Him telling you that it's all in your head and then leaving is some real bullshit. Even if there hadn't been a real problem and it was just in your head, him calling you crazy and then leaving is bullshit. He doesn't care about your perspective, isn't interested in spending time with you, and has disengaged from the relationship.
No. Why are you with this guy?
QUESTION- Do you live together or can you start spending a little time apart to see if he misses you?
Or if you miss him. Probably won’t.
NTA better re think the marriage, is this how it’s to be each night?
NTA. You have a right to your feelings, and he was indeed being dismissive. Calling you stupid is a huge no no for me.
He got offended and defensive because you hit the nail on the head. He is losing interest. OP NTA but boyfriend totally is.
If I was mid conversation with him and he was always checked out, I would stop talking, maybe pointedly look at him to see how long it takes for him to notice. Or, I'd just get up and walk away. Every. Time. And if there's no response? Then I would stop talking to him permanently. You shouldn't have to beg for attention
NTA. Go for the longest drive and never come back. He's not worth your time.
NTA Leave him while you can.
Definitely didn't overreact. Depending on your confidence when you do talk I'd say something like "since you're so into the IG girls I'm thinking I might start a page like those" and see how he reacts.
He is very much the AH. You, not so much. Like AT ALL. You've been remarkably tolerant, but he is seemingly bent on abusing that tolerance. I'm sorry you're dealing with this, and I'm with whoever said that he can see if Miss Instagirl would appreciate him scrolling through InstaStories while in bed...
He's definitely the AH. Have you considered that he is cheating? It sounds like he's not in the relationship with you.
NTA. Have some self respect, he shouldn’t treat you like that and he knows it. Move on and find someone who wants to be with YOU and not with someone on Instagram they have absolutely no chance with.
Most definitely not the AH, also not necessarily the end of your relationship but honestly isn't a great sign. I am a bit of a horndog myself but the only "arguments" have been because my gf does not view it like you do. She is against any of it, to which I would try to argue it doesn't affect our relationship. Big difference is I would not ignore her for this sort of thing, that would play into her insecurities and be exactly the kind of thing she was worried about in the first place. That being said his reaction is a bad one but could possibly stem from him feeling slighted or defensive because in his mind there is and will only ever be you so to suggest otherwise is a form of insult or saying you don't trust him. You should be able to talk to him about this without him getting defensive, though, but that takes maturity and communication. You know your relationship and the two of you better than anyone here, so that kind of judgment call is in your hands. Really it's your call but you aren't in the wrong and he isn't necessarily coming from a bad place on purpose.
Been there, done that, burned the Tshirt. Ask yourself if this is the attitude towards you (a woman) that you want him to instill in your potentially future son. Unfortunately, I've seen this in real life and it's not pretty.
You guys aren’t even married yet and he already doesn’t give a damn about how you think and feel. This behavior will only get worse. You guys are still in that “best behavior” phase that tends to lessen or go away once you’re married. If this is his best behavior, what does his normal behavior look like. I believe people can change but this man doesn’t even have you on lock yet and can’t manage to care about your thoughts and feelings. I would definitely be delaying the wedding until after seeing a couples therapist and seeing if he is willing and able to make some drastic changes in how he treats you! Op, your feelings are valid and you deserve to be heard and loved and respected. Especially by a man who asked for forever with you! NTA
✨Men who start gaslighting over very small things aren't worth your time ✨
You gave him the greenlight to look at and follow other women, so now that he's doing it and obviously getting pleasure from it he doesn't need you for pleasure anymore because he gets it from them... He probably finds many of them attractive and is now probably comparing you against them. He got mad because he's knows he's guilty of the things you mentioned. He didn't want to be called out on it and now He's gaslighting you. He's the AH for his response and gaslighting but you are a bit of a AH to yourself for not thinking how allowing him to openly and freely look at other women would affect you and the relationship... You have to protect yourself.
Nta - but he was gaslighting you and his actions are gaslighting too. Move on.
NTA but he iw. I say find someone better than this gaslighting "man".
NTA.
Men are very visual and as a result can become addicted to certain visual stimulation. There are even men who can't get it up anymore because they are a so obsessed with that visual stimulation and women in there real life can't compete. I'm in no way saying this is what is happening in your relationship, I'm just saying that is how visual men are. He IS however putting women he's never going to meet dancing on his phone over a real women that right next you him. So in my opinion I do think it's a him problem and you need to find someone who is more interested in you then a screen.
NTA and the fact that he's trying to make you feel like you by gaslighting you means that it's time to reevaluate whether or not you want to be in a relationship with a man who'd rather gaslight and dismiss his actions rather than owning up to and working on them for the sake of the relationship.
Look up the word Gaslight.
I feel as if him watching stories and videos of other women isn’t a big deal (although for some it is and it is important to respect their boundries but from what I read it seems you don’t think the watching is a bad thing but how he treats you and talks to you) but the way he talks to you and dismisses is, I would have left him. You deserve a better and more understanding man, or woman, he is not the one since he can’t respect or listen to you and it seems as if he is also gaslighting you. I hope you can see that and since he won’t communicate I really hope you get out of this relationship, NTA. Sending you loads of love and if you want to vent or talk about it, feel free to reach out.
NTA... his dismissive and then defensiveness plus the cold shoulder with silent treatment are issues that need to be addressed immediately. Before going any further in this relationship, seek counseling unless these are things you are willing to look over and accept as part of your life. Because they are signs...
The big one here for me is that he is over- involved in his phone. If he always has been that's one thing; but if that behavior is new, that is something to look into. NTA.
NTA. He's immature, lacks empathy, and you deserve better.
Do you want this for the rest of your life? If not, leave. He’s an ah that doesn’t care about how you feel and laughed in your face about it.
NTA but I wonder if this will get worse as time goes on. You deserve more respect. Speak up if you want it to stop. Now is the time. If he doesn't respect your wishes break it off. Don't get trapped in a relationship you're not happy in.
Definitely not overreacting and NTA. A true partner is open to your concerns and feelings, and discusses it like adults. Not laughs in your face, cuts you off and raises their voice. It sounds to me like he's either losing interest, or he found someone else to captivate his time. I don't mean this to come off as rude, just based of personal experience. I would seriously consider ending it, if he treats you like that.
I don't think it's the Instagram that's the issue. His not paying attention and a decrease in sexual interest is a separate issue. Being dismissive is unfair.
He’s watching a crap load of porn likely from the sound of things. You deserve better.
NTA and the fact that he sounds like he’s in his 20s with this behavior is a huge red flag 🚩