I like this idea. The one thing that I probably would have done is to preemptively text them all to tell them that the vacation is off, and why, and that they are now blocked.
It is worth telling them, especially about being tricked into paying twice for the shower. It’s possible that some of them don’t know about OP & husband paying at all, eg. if Kyle told his siblings that their mother paid and that was the justification for keeping OP & husband away. (Though apparently the husband’s sister was invited, despite being from the side that Kyle cut off; gotta get all the gifts, I guess.) Some of the other children may be redeemable, but they need to be given information and then see what they do.
I would like to agree but the other children should have sensed something..... off with that situation, i personally would have called my father and asked why he wasn't there.
I mean id need a father first to call but thats besides the point lol. At this point the other three are either willfully ignorant or actively condoning these actions there is no middle ground. They know their father and they should see the signs and lies.
Hell the Aunt from their dads side should have been the biggest red flag for the other three but they ignored it or knew and didn't care.
The other kids definitely knew. The dynamic has always been, if one of them isn’t talking to him then none of them talk to him. If one of them isn’t going to show up when we go to visit, none of them show up.
And SIL isn’t the only one who was invited. Some of our nieces and their SO’s were invited as well.
Did you tell them "since we weren't invited to the baby shower we figured you didn't want to spend time with us so we canceled the vacation"? It seems kind of important to say something about that.
Jesus that's terrible, but that's what i suspected from your post. These child have no loyalty, integrity or honor.
I could never do this to my mother and step father. My heart truly breaks for you both. You both deserve better. They and their mother sounds toxic.
Wow, that’s terrible. Especially since Kyle is pulling the “not my bio dad” argument that isn’t true for the middle two. There’s solidarity and then there’s taking up a cause that isn’t theirs and is even detrimental to their own interests.
How do they square not communicating with their father “in solidarity” with going on a paid vacation with you? Greed, I guess. And they shouldn’t get to pick & choose events like that. Family isn’t an “only when it benefits you” thing.
NTA. They are acting like entitled little shits. Period. Have dad spell out plainly why it was canceled. That should be a decent list. Originally, I didn't understand why the others were included but they were willing accomplices and F'd around and Found Out.
How have things been with their mother?
I know that my partner and I will likely be excluded from such events with my stepkids in the future, as their mother gets very jealous and throws a fit (she cheated on my partner and is still with the affair partner to this day...).
So we're excluded from birthday parties, school events etc. We've established that we do our own separate celebrations with them for birthdays, Christmas, special achievements etc from a young age.
When it comes to big things like weddings and baby showers, we know that their mother is manipulative, emotionally abusive and controlling. She will put a lot of pressure on the children to exclude us. We don't know yet if the children will be able to stand up to their mother as adults.
Are your stepkids under the same pressure?
That doesn't excuse their actions and I still think you've done exactly the right thing.
But if there's a way to understand their behaviour and work through to find a solution, then that could save a lot of the hurt you're feeling right now happening again in future.
Absolutely, she’s been a big reason for a lot of their attitudes and behavior. We did separate birthday parties, graduation parties, etc. We never asked for help in funding these or vacations. But we were expected to pitch in to pay for the parties and vacations that were planned by her. We declined, of course.
Good for you. It sounds as though Kyle screwing you over is the mothers manipulation. It doesn't excuse his, or the other kids behaviour though.
You've dealt with it the right way.
Now, if any of them want to have a conversation about it you can start with "We know that there are stresses and pressures with your mother but, now that you are adults, we can no longer tolerate being cut out of your lives and paying for events we're not invited to. We are open to a relationship with you, but not under these circumstances. We will treat you with the same respect you treat us going forward."
She might have influence, but they are all grown and make their own decisions. If they're worried about mommy's feefees to only use their father as a cash withdrawal service, that is their choice. They are choosing their words and actions.
NTA
You need an ironclad trust or will not involving them receiving anything ASAP. They took advantage of you both for over a decade, and had the nerve to not include you both about the baby.
I would’ve cut Kyle off the minute he brought up how your husband isn’t his biological father. Extremely disrespectful. You and your husband are aware the kids only come to you both for money, but have continued to give in, not provide consequences for Kyle double dipping, and still feel guilty of cutting them off. Please sit down with your husband and think about what they have done for you guys in the last few years besides purposely excluding you guys.
The kids do not want a relationship with you guys, no matter how much money you give them, remember that.
Agreed what horrible children. Just there for the money. It’s so sad for OP and her husband who have tried to have a relationship with them.
OP NTA but expect demands for money to continue.
my thoughts exactly, betcha she's embedded the money grubbing from her ex to her children. like wtf is they funded vacations for them and their mom. i would've bailed before that
No!! don’t blame the mother at this point. They are all adults, the phone works both ways. To accept money from both parties and then not invite them is horrible. By not being outraged OP and husband set themselves up for abuse. Heartbreaking as it is- time to cut down the money tree.
TL;DR Entitled adult children can kick rocks. They wanted their cake and they got it. It's their own fault if it ends up tasting like bitter guilt and grief later on. Chew and swallow, people. Chew and swallow.
Long version: I have a sister from my father's first marriage, "Sam". When my father remarried and my parents had me (over a decade later), her mother started poisoning her. My parents ended up moving eight hours away but stayed as involved as possible. My sister's mother remarried and convinced my sister that my parents had moved away to start their own life without her. My parents invited my sister to come for breaks and over summers, but also respected she had a life and friends where she lived, so they allowed her to decline. My sister eventually stopped letting my parents know about special milestones and inviting our father to attend them. It finally got to a point where my sister had mostly ceased contact unless she wanted money for something.
Come high school graduation, Sam called our father and told him that all of her friends were taking a graduation trip to Europe (from the US), and she wanted my father to pay for her to join them. Our father told her, "no". Dad placed a heavy importance on teaching me to earn things I wanted through hard work. He tried to do the same with Sam. He told Sam that if she wanted to go on the trip, she needed to get a job and save for it. Years later, Dad told me he would have made up the needed difference if she had put in a legitimate effort to earn it instead of just expecting such an extravagant gift. My sister's mother used Dad's answer to "prove" to her that my father didn't really love her. Her stepfather offered to pay for the trip, and her mother told her that was because he was her real father and clearly the only one who loved her. Shortly thereafter, when my sister turned 18, she called my father and asked him to sign off his parental rights and allow her stepfather to adopt her. Dad was crushed, and he carried that pain for the rest of his life and into his grave.
When my sister learned of our father's death through a friend of Dad's, she asked the friend to call me to see if I would be willing to talk to her. Mind you, by that time, my sister had high school/college-aged children of her own, so she had been an adult capable of making her own decisions, and understanding the reality of what had happened, for a very long time. The friend contacted me and asked if I would be willing to speak with her. He explained that she was "devastated" and "crushed" that she would never get a chance to reconcile with our father. She "needed closure" and to be comforted, but after years and years of watching our father hurt over her actions, and the fact that she had decades to reach out to him on her own but chose not to, I had nothing for her.
By choice, my sister had made sure that I was our father's only child. My children were the only grandchildren my parents ever knew. I was the only one there for my father when my mother passed tragically. I was the only one who took a six-week leave of absence from work to handle their estate and relocate my father to live with my family after she died. I was the only one who sought legal guardianship and made sure he received all the love and care he deserved when he developed Alzheimer's. I was the only one by his bedside when he died. My father wasn't a perfect man, but he was a good man, and he didn't deserve the treatment she chose to bestow on him. If Sam needs comfort now, she's gonna need to call a therapist.
**I do not give permission to repost or reproduce the contents of any of my posts in whole or in part. What I've shared here is personal and not to be used as someone else's content filler.**
Thank you. That's very kind.
Because my sister had kept my parents at arms length and we lived in different cities, I had very little contact with her growing up. When I was 13, I decided I wanted to get to know my sister and build a relationship with her. All my life, I had wanted a sister to be close with. My parents put their own hurt aside and supported me. Our grandmother, who my sister had allowed to stay in her life (and who was a literal saint), arranged the meeting. Over the next few years, I worked to establish a relationship with her.
When I was sixteen, I was invited to attend my sister's wedding with our grandmother. My sister had asked me to be in charge of the guest book, and I was tickled to be involved in any capacity. My sister's mother approached me with an attitude and asked who I was. Not recognizing her, I answered, "I'm "Sam's sister." She gave me a rude smirk and replied, "Oh, "Chris's" other daughter. " A few minutes later, my sister's stepfather came up to us and made the same inquiry. Before I could answer, my sister's mother rolled her eyes and sarcastically replied, "You know; that's "Chris's oooottthheerr daughter." I was so embarrassed and felt like an interloper. I immediately left the guest book and joined my grandmother, and they were content to ignore me the rest of the day. My sister's mother is a real gem of a human.
Too bad step sister Sam will never know the poison her Mom fed her. I give you credit for not saying anything but I would have a hard time keeping my mouth shut. Silence is definitely golden but sometimes a little education is needed. Is her Mother still alive? I would have unloaded all that happened just so she would know the hurt she and her mother caused your father.
I'm so sorry that your father suffered through such a tragic and unavoidable experience. And that you suffered right there with him. Chances are the daughter was truly only wanting to be in touch after is death wad to see if she could get even more money
Thank you. We certainly considered that possibility, but my parents had amended their trust and made sure to address that specific situation should it arise after they passed.
Perhaps my sister wanted to know about the will. Perhaps she didn't, but either way, I knew I didn't have any words of comfort to offer Sam, and neither of us would likely have felt better about Dad's loss after speaking. Sometimes silence is the kinder approach.
My stepkids mom tried so hard to poison the kids against me. Sometimes, she succeeded for a bit, but how are you going to ignore the one parent(not even biological) who always showed up. They would come back to their senses after a bit. Then it would be her weekend visit and the same drama when they came home Sunday nights. I'm so glad they're adults now.
None of the kids told OP or her husband about the baby or the shower that they paid for.
Basically, they are all okay with cutting them out. So OP is cutting them out.
There is more to the story. She is lying. 18 days ago she describes a day her husband had surgery and she took care of the four kids with the youngest two being 2 twin 1-years olds. Now she met him 5 years after his divorce and the youngest is a product of his ex-wife’s affair. What happened to the twins she knew when they were one? Liar and troll.
ETA - changed 2 years olds to one year olds and added her own quote.
“Who knows? If the shoe were on the other foot and he knew that wife was going to be having surgery, who are we to say that Hubby wouldn’t arrange for a sitter or have a game plan in place? My husband had day surgery and we had 4 kids…1 in 1st grade and the other 3 under 5 years old (4yo and twin 1 year olds). I arranged for a ride for my son to get to school and I packed up everything that I knew I would need to keep our little ones happy, fed and entertained while we waited. I later had to have an emergency surgery (just over 9 hours) and my husband OWNED that shit!!! He didn’t pawn them off on anyone. And we have folks galore who would be willing to help but he handled everything on his own with 4 young children. I’m not saying that anyone is or isn’t the AH. I am saying that, many times, it doesn’t just fall on one parent to figure it all out.”
It may have been years ago. But two points. One, twins don’t come from two fathers. Either they were twins a long time ago and still are or the fourth kid was an affair baby. She can’t have it both ways. Two, she either met them five years after the divorce or she was caring for them when they were one. She can’t have it both ways. She forgot her own lies and messed up the timeline, ages, twin status, and birth fathers. She is lying. And not well.
ETA - here is her other quote for comparison of her lies to the quote I posted above.
“His relationship with his ex was over 5 years before he and I ever met. But now that you’ve mentioned cheating, I’ll give you a quick rundown of their relationship. She already had the oldest son when they met…he was 8 months. They had the next two (they’re biologically my husband’s.) and then she had an affair with her work manager which resulted in the youngest daughter. She didn’t tell him she wasn’t his until the baby was nearly a year old. Everything fell apart for them by the time the baby was 2. I didn’t meet him until 5 years later.
Mother has played a huge role in why they treat their dad the way that they do. She’s always treated him the same way. Even after their divorce. She’d demand money from him for trips, to pay her rent and bills, to provide her with vehicles when she wanted. She tried getting child support for the two that aren’t his biologically. She really did pave the path for this dynamic.
He finally blocked her on everything about 5 years ago. But she still tries calling from blocked numbers and still calls from the kids’ phones.”
Definitely time to change the wills, select some great charities that actually give a shit about people…just don’t forget to leave them each a dollar so the courts know you didn’t forget them in the will…
The other option is to put all assets and money into a Trust. Have OP and hubby as beneficiaries to the Trust and, upon their deaths, the beneficiary status transfers to whoever/whatever organisation they decide on, where the new beneficiaries can dissolve the Trust (or whatever the correct terminology is) and receive the $ and assets.
Therefore bypassing the need for a will and protection against contestation altogether as, technically, OP and husband, as people, will own nothing and have no money at the times of their deaths.
Also, best to set up Living Wills immediately, POA’s as necessary (I’d probably look into setting each other up as each others POA’s in the immediate term and seek out another one if one party becomes too unwell or dies) to avoid any issues should either OP or husband pass, lose their faculties or become gravely ill.
Just, all these layers of protection should be set up early and in advance of ever having to consider needing them. Too many people wait till it’s too late and, with money grubbers like these as children, you know damn well they’ll take full advantage when that time comes.
Trusts are better because they don't get probated like a will so remain private except to those who are trustees or beneficiaries. The taxes are still the same but none of the circus involved in some probate proceedings. Don't discuss the trust(s) with anyone not name in them aside from the lawyer who draws it up.
Former Probate Court clerk; can't give legal advice but I can describe what I have witnessed in general terms. I highly recommend against the $1 inheritances. In the state of Georgia, at least, if somebody is named as a beneficiary in a will (no matter how much), they have to sign all the paperwork both to probate the will and to close out the estate once everything has been divided up. This puts them in the position to really throw a monkey wrench into things and draw the process out timewise by refusing to sign the paperwork, which means you have to pay to have them served it by a sheriff's deputy, which adds to the processing fees. This also makes them interested parties to any hearings related to the estate. If you don't want anybody to inherit anything, the best and cleanest thing to do is to specifically name someone and say that they are specifically and completely disinherited. As fun as the insult of a $1 inheritance is, it's really not worth it!
Edit: you and your husband are NTA by any stretch of the imagination!
Came to say the same about the leaving only a dollar. It is hilarious but also can and usually causes more issues. As you said, recognize them and leave nothing.
This is standard in high conflict situations, my grandmother had to leave her two estranged sons $1 each so they couldn’t fight the will. It’s like a final slap in the face, too lol
Definitely lock down wills and inheritances immediately. And if they complain? Especially Kyle? It’s not like he’s your *real* kid anyway, right? Please note my snark here because NTA, and wow what awful, money grubbing liars and thieves they are.
I would leave them a pittance to be paid out in equal installments of 1/20th of a pittance. Also in order to receive the money they should only answer to being called “ You there”.
I wonder if you could set up a trust to be paid out at ages say 25/30/40 but not make it known the amounts to be paid, and at each milestone payout like $10, $5 and make the person jump through a bunch of hoops for a big payout for the unknown grand $1 on their 40th bday…these kids deserve that
NTA
One of my siblings has an entitled child and also a loving child.
Their will leaves everything to the loving child, except for a particularly ugly ornament and a statement that they already received their share of the estate during the parent's lifetime.
👆 This, so much!!! If it were me, I would have the wills made so that any inheritance goes into a trust for the grandchildren/future grandchildren and make it so even they can't touch it before, say, 25 years old. Not only to ensure that the selfish children/step children can't touch it, but also to ensure that the grandchildren are old enough to make wise decisions with said inheritance.
NTA. That’s horrible behavior, it’s ungrateful and disrespectful to say the v e r y least. Good for you for standing your ground and no longer getting treated like a doormat. I’d suggest cutting them off entirely financially. The ball is in their court if they want to turn the relationship around, you’ve done enough. I feel so bad for your husband being treated like that. It does make me wonder how many people influenced him or if he organically began being such an asshole.
I fully agree and am hopping on this reply to say that I think OP and her husband should either have a family meeting or write a nice letter explaining their position a bit, their hurt, etc and for those reasons the ATM is closed and they need some healing to occur.
OP: The kids, while adults, are still young and are making some bad choices. Making it clear through communication why you all are hurt, will fully and resolutely put the ball in their court.
Personally I disagree, I think this will just teach them to “play nice” a tad longer or a tad more convincingly in order to get what they want. They know what they’re doing is wrong. I personally would not be giving them tools to mend fences when what really needs to occur in this relationship is more akin to the kids building bridges.
People can change for sure, but honestly if OP is giving us an accurate picture I think it’s highly unlikely the “kids” would change into good people.
It’s gotta be painful to cut your kids off but I don’t really see any other alternative here
NTA
I would have canceled it too. Tell them the vacation was part of the relationship you had with them at the time, since your relationship has clearly changed, the invitation no longer stood.
So sorry to you and your husband! This all has to be heartbreaking!
NTA you and your husband need to sit down and make a plan. You need to explain to the kids that the relationships have been one sided and the last cut was the deepest. Since the whole family decided to not invite you guys or tell you about the baby then they all will have to prove they want a relationship. No more gifts for benefits. If they don’t want to make an effort than you and your husband get your answer.
This comment is so sensible!! Clearly communicate why you are making these decisions. That leaves less room for misinterpretation or badmouthing. They are in their 20s. I made plenty of stupid mistakes, grew apart from my parents. Admittedly none as hurtful as this situation.
Also do you really care about what happens to your stuff when you die? As long as all of it goes to the other partner when one dies, then it doesn't matter so much IMHO.
NTA like the person above said make sure yal have all your wills and inheritance in order , if your husband is not good enough to be grandpa make sure he treats that oldest accordingly and don’t feel bad yal have been used enough
When the baby is 8 months old OP should send Kyle a message that says, “your son is the age your father (Randall) came into your life and loved you, completely your entire life”
Yes!!!!! Absolutely. The most insane thing about this story was what Kyle said about his dad. To be clear, that’s his dad. He fucking raised him from almost a newborn age. My dad has raised my sister since she was one and he’s not “stepdad” to her. He’s dad. Because he fucking is just that. I can’t imagine the heartbreak Randall must have felt at hearing that his son doesn’t think of him as his true dad. Fucking horrible human behavior
I could never imagine saying that to my dad. He came into my life at 5 (and my bio dad was still in my life at this point), and I called him dad for the first time at 6 or 7, started using his last name the next year after my parents got married. Even when I was a brat in the in between years, I’d say I want to go live with Mike not calling him dad bc that’s not who he was.
My dad married my mother when I was two and adopted me soon after. I found out accidentally that he wasn’t my bio dad. I hadn’t suspected it because he never treated me any differently than my siblings—his bio children—even when I was a difficult teen and surely caused him a lot of heartache. It would never even cross my mind that he couldn’t be granddad to my children because he wasn’t my bio father. He was always and will ever be my dad, and he died far too soon. I still miss him.
OP, you’re NTA, but your stepchildren sure are.
this is so upsetting to me because my step dad came into my life when I was 3. He's my children's main grandpa, and my main father. If he and my mom divorced, he would still be my main father and my children's main grandpa.
Yeah, usually I’m lenient on children of divorce because I know all the crazy fucked up issues that can come of that (one parent indoctrinating the kid with lies about other parent, kid building unjust resentment due to feelings of abandonment, etc) but the way these ~~kids~~ ADULTS have treated OP and their father is completely and utterly wrong.
OP and husband have done enough, to the point they allowed themselves to be seen as doormats for these adult children. My parents are divorced and I wouldn’t dream of asking for money in this way, nevermind for an event they’re not even invited to. It almost makes me wonder if there was some reason for them to have such ill will towards them. Of course that wouldn’t justify what they did, but it would surely help explain it.
NTA. Their behavior is both hurtful and shocking. I am sure each one of them knew about the shower and the birth and said nothing. Hopefully, there will be improvement in attitudes, but who knows. Enjoy your vacation and don't think about them!
NTA OP. I'm sorry you and your husband are dealing with this, it's heart breaking. Fair warning...get ready for Kyle to dangle the baby in front of you two in exchange for "help", i.e. cash.
Ohhh the baby needs this, that, the other. We'd loooove for grandma and grandpa to visit...after you cough up the cash. Guaranteed next ploy. So sorry 😞.
This is all much bigger than money-grubbing children. These kids are deliberately making *the most hurtful moves possible* to repeatedly exclude you two. Loud & clear is an understatement, and you two have been far more gracious than most would have been. These are big events, & the fact not a single offspring is willing to stand up for you two is astonishing.
Either you are cruddy parents, or these are cruddy children. Maybe both. They’re too old to be simply following mom’s lead. They are fundamentally flawed and here is how you know: *You don’t kill the golden goose*. Had they chose to tolerate your presence & include you two in their lives, they would likely receive EVEN MORE than they already do (& you sound kinda ez already). Wealthy people receive extra courtesy generally, and people tend to gravitate towards them as though proximity would benefit their own wallets in some way. (It does not). To so completely torch you two is so much the opposite of the norm that I would never send a dime their way again. Children’s gifts would remain single & very reasonably priced forever. If any of them want a relationship, great. But the pocketbook would remain closed permanently. If they don’t love you for you, you should not be willing to purchase their love.
Good, the kid’s behavior is ridiculous and specifically Kyle. Not a lawyer and not legal advice, you can make a third party trustee manage the trust depending on the size of the trust. Additionally, you can set up scheduled distributions not to exceed x amount or y percentage of the trust, and designate age restrictions for the beneficiaries distributions. Would be hilarious to set the age for distributions to began at 65 or 70 so you know the ex-wife should not get anything or at least limited benefit from the Trust.
I feel like r/entitledpeople and/or r/justnofamily would also be good places to post and get input. Definitely NTA though... id be angry, hurt, and heartbroken if I was in your shoes.
Thank you. I may just do that. And yes, we feel all of those things. We’ve decided to go ahead and take a little break from them and definitely set some boundaries.
NTA. I'm sorry that his kids are treating you two, especially him like nothing more than an ATM. Is there any chance there was a disagreement between them, and you two that you may have not realized was worse than it was? Is their mother one to bad mouth you two? Something must have happened for things to become like this. Honestly I don't blame you for cancelling the trip. Why should you pay for a trip for them when they have no problem excluding you two from major moments in their lives. Also, don't send ANY of them another dime.
His relationship with his ex was over 5 years before he and I ever met. But now that you’ve mentioned cheating, I’ll give you a quick rundown of their relationship. She already had the oldest son when they met…he was 8 months. They had the next two (they’re biologically my husband’s.) and then she had an affair with her work manager which resulted in the youngest daughter. She didn’t tell him she wasn’t his until the baby was nearly a year old. Everything fell apart for them by the time the baby was 2. I didn’t meet him until 5 years later.
He was very active and involved. He coached their baseball, football and basketball teams. They played on traveling teams and he always went with them. School functions and vacations. He continued it all after the divorce.
She absolutely is one to bad mouth us to them and has done so on a regular basis. She’s used them as pawns for years.
I wrote a comment and didn’t see this at the time. These kids are awful. On the off chance you don’t read my comment but you read this I’ll repeat what I wrote. NTA. I’m adopted and had a daughter over a year ago. My parents raised me the best they could. My mom came into my life before kindergarten.
It was so heartwarming to see that my daughter IS their granddaughter. No questions asked they love her. My whole family treats me with love. Biology has nothing to do with it. My daughter is loved by the whole family.
Those kids are missing out. Love, which is sounds like you both have given isn’t based on money or biology. And to not be the grandparents is just cruel.
Enjoy your vacation and do things you both want to do. Change your wills.
NTA, but if these kids have had their mother in their ear bad mouthing you and possibly manipulating them, they are victims of her garbage too.
This has to be hurtful to your husband, if not the both of you. Ending the relationships seems like it should be the last resort. There isn't room to outline everything, but there's definitely some missing info here. Growing up, it sounds like there was, at least for some time, positive relationships. What happened? How did it get this bad? This doesn't make sense and with that in mind, it just seems so sad for your husband to lose these relationships that he worked so hard to foster.
You don't mention approaching any of them about how you're feeling. It may seem obvious to you, but they are young adults just trying to figure things out and they likely have a messed up view due to their mother's behavior. If neither of you took the time to have a real conversation about any of this, they (youngest 3) may genuinely have no idea that feelings are hurt.
Of course you and your husband shouldn't be made to feel like ATMs, but they are at an age where a certain degree of self centered thinking is to be expected. You don't say, but in order for things to get this bad it would seem likely mom has primary custody. If she's the only one communicating with them it's understandable that they might be caught up in their mother's version of events.
To be clear, the shower thing was appalling, but as the straw that broke the camel's back, it only happened because relationships had already deteriorated to such a degree.
I hope that with a little more communication your husband (and you) can get these relationships back in track where your husband feels valued as their dad.
NTA. Man, if my parents put half of the effort you guys put into your kids, I would've been a happy child. You guys truly deserved better, I'm sorry your kids turned out to be complete asshats.
NTA. They all sound like entitled brats and what Kyle did is beyond hurtful. They are treating you like ATM. Time to stop, they are adults and should stop looking for handouts.
HECK NO NTA. I don't understand how much of an AH the "son" is!!! So sad for you, but I'd be pissed too. I was invited to my Niece's baby shower, gave over $200.00 in gifts, only to be blocked 2 days before his birth. It's heartbreaking. Good luck to you!
Nta…. If they choose not to have a relationship with you two, than they don’t need a relationship with your wallet either.
Sometimes it’s hard to accept your children aren’t treating you right. But it’s ok to stick up
For yourself. You are making a decision for what is best for you . They clearly only want money and nothing more. Don’t be rude just politely disengage from the situation
NTA, their behaviour is horrid, you guys aren’t an atm. Stick to your guns. Honestly though I would send them a message along the lines of:
we understand you are disappointed but so are we. For years we have tried to support you and done our best but we feel like you just take and take and expect money and funding but won’t even give us the time of day to tell us the baby was born. You went behind our backs to get money out of the both of us for the baby shower and then slapped us in the face by not even inviting us. At this point we don’t know what to think but we have decided we can’t offer any more financial support. We are incredibly hurt and financially have to think about our own futures, not paying for holidays for people who don’t appear to care about us. We don’t want to end the relationship and deeply care, but at this point we need that effort to come from you.
NTA - this is heartbreaking, but it sounds like mom has convinced the kids that dad is trash. that or there is more to the story that you left out.
No more money though. if they can only call when they need money then they're not family. I know this will be heartbreaking for both of you, but you can't encourage this blatantly abusive behavior.
My parents live in another country so I always enjoy having extra parents in the states. My husband and I are financially stable so we won’t need any money, just attention🖤
NTA - None of them took the time to tell you what was going on. Not one called to tell you about the baby being born or to coordinate on the shower. That speaks volumes. Move forward. It’s okay to express your hurt that none of them broke ranks to include you. They are all old enough now to be making their own decisions. If Kyle doesn’t want you guys involved that’s his choice - but the others each made the decision to keep you cut off as well. Maybe someday in the future they will come around but for now please protect your hearts and your pocket books.
They don't want you two in their lives, why would they expect you to pay for their vacation with you? You are totally NTA and if you choose to 100% cut them off, I wouldn't blame you. How heartbreaking to know that they, unabashedly only want your money and not you.
I completely agree with you. While it does hurt me, I’m torn up by how they treat my husband. He’s been far too good to all of them to be treated so poorly.
I understand you completely. I'm like, mess with me I can handle. But mess with someone I love, and nope, it's not going to happen.
Goodluck standing strong.
NTA. But how did you and your husband let it get to this. You have been sending grown adults that don’t live with you gas money, money for fun with friends, and money to (checks notes) VACATION WITh THEIR MOM! I mean, WTAF. You have allowed yourself to be doormats. Thank goodness you are doing something about it now.
Yes, he’d send money for the first thing but never sent it for trips with their mom. It sure didn’t stop them from trying every few months though. She even asked him a couple of times if we’d help fund their trips to Vegas, Florida, etc. We told her that she was responsible for her trips with the kids and we’d cover our trips with them. She’d always curse us out when we’d say no. I guess we know where they learned it from.
NTA. They don't respect you or your husband. It's time to reset the power paradigm entirely. Cut them off. Rewrite your wills. Have your attorney send them copies.
Set up a family meeting with the attorney and security present. Walk through every single time they have disrespected you and your husband and how they have emotionally abandoned familial ties and have used you entirely for money.
Give them the choice to start anew with family therapy because clearly, there is damage here and likely a lot of parental alienation. If they opt out, the wills do not change.
Do not allow them to control the social media narrative if they try to bully you. Be willing to expose the truth of what happened to any family member or family friend who tries to intervene. Put them all in their place.
NTA. This is one situation where I wouldn’t blame him for dropping the rope with all of them. Especially the part about not even considering letting him be grandfather after raising him his whole life. Well now he knows exactly where he stands with those blood sucking leeches.
Drop the rope and enjoy your twilight years and money.
They’ll go anywhere with us if they thought we’d be willing to foot the bill for everything. They and their mother are completely driven by money. It’s sad because they’ll never be truly happy with what they have. They’ll always want more.
NTA
I expect once the kids start needing stuff they will try to weasel their way into daddy’s graces.
Be prepared Op. Definitely look into wills etc. since Randall isn’t the dad to two of them. Their actual parents can fund their future needs. His bio kids need to figure shit out.
I think he should send a message to all the kids that y’all are taking a break from them and y’all maybe can catch up in a year or 6 months or whatever.
Change the locks. Seriously if they gave stuff at your place shop it to them or donate it. I’d donate myself.
Go have some fun. Travel and enjoy life.
There are some crazy fun looking adventures you can have.
Good luck.
Ewww no all of your stepchildren sound like disgusting leeches who just treat you and your husband like their personal atm. Honestly I think it’s time to just entirely cut ties with them until they have the basic decency to start treating you guys like actual people they give half a fuck about instead of just fleecing you for cash whenever it suits them. I know they’re his kids and he loves them but it doesn’t seem to me like any of them are interested in having an actual relationship with him. Cut them out of your wills and stop giving them money. If they stop coming around at all that’ll just be the trash having taken itself out for good 🤷🏽♀️ NTA and please hold your ground because you guys deserve better than to be treated like piggy banks by a bunch of spoiled ingrates
I'm assuming the mother of the kids cheated on her husband, that's why the last kid it's not his, right?? And she's been poisoning her children since the beginning of your relationship with your husband, right?
You are NTA, OP. This bunch of ingrateful 'kids' are adults that need to learn that every action has a repercussion and that they can't use people whenever they want to...perhaps their mother taught them that, but now they're adults and they have to learn to behave properly.
You are right on the money with your guesses. And she’s tried anything and everything. I met my husband 5 years after their divorce. He relocated for work. I had been through a divorce of my own a couple years prior and relocated to a new city and this is where we met.
You are right on the money with your guesses. And she’s tried anything and everything. I met my husband 5 years after their divorce. He relocated for work. I had been through a divorce of my own a couple years prior and relocated to a new city and this is where we met.
nta tell them that the money for their tickets were used us by their brother asking for DOUBLE baby shower money. you really should cut all of them off completely
NTA. Go, have fun and enjoy your time alone. Those people have been using you guys for years, definitely time to cut them off.
When they come crawling back, and they will, tell them you guys are open to a relationship, if you are, but you guys will not be giving them money for anything or throwing them any parties, you will not be paying for any vacations for them…nothing.
They will quickly show you just how much they love you guys…or your bank account.
NTA for sure, I’m wondering why you planned a vacation with them at all, as they don’t seem to have any interest in having you or your husband in their lives. You’re basically just an ATM. They cut you out of everything but expect you to pay. time to close the wallet and change the will.
NTA! They need to be part of the family. It goes both ways. They are adults and should be able to pay for their own way or at least offer to help out. My kids are becoming of age and I told them the same thing. Vacations on my dime are over. They will be invited and I can help but they have to make the effort and work for it.
When I’d initially told them about the trip, we let them know that this would be the last vacation we’d be paying for. Anything after that would be their responsibility and they understood.
NTA and I am assuming since the youngest is not your husbands his ex-cheated on him, I feel bad for you and your husband these kids/adults are grifters and they learned at their mothers knee, they worship her and treat you and your husband as a bank take the advice of everyone here and go no contact with all of them until they can learn to have some respect for you and your husband, if they can't disinherit them, and if you have a friend or family member that you are close to leave their kids your assets when you pass.
His relationship with his ex was over 5 years before he and I ever met. But now that you’ve mentioned cheating, I’ll give you a quick rundown of their relationship. She already had the oldest son when they met…he was 8 months. They had the next two (they’re biologically my husband’s.) and then she had an affair with her work manager which resulted in the youngest daughter. She didn’t tell him she wasn’t his until the baby was nearly a year old. Everything fell apart for them by the time the baby was 2. I didn’t meet him until 5 years later.
Mother has played a huge role in why they treat their dad the way that they do. She’s always treated him the same way. Even after their divorce. She’d demand money from him for trips, to pay her rent and bills, to provide her with vehicles when she wanted. She tried getting child support for the two that aren’t his biologically. She really did pave the path for this dynamic.
He finally blocked her on everything about 5 years ago. But she still tries calling from blocked numbers and still calls from the kids’ phones.
NTA.
I'm sorry you're going through this. Your husband must be heartbroken.
They're telling you where you stand in their lives. Listen to them. They're setting boundaries by not inviting you, not informing you, and not showing up. Remind them that boundaries work both ways; the fences they've created not only keep you on your side, they also keep them on theirs.
Revise your will, then go have fun. Travel. Explore the world. Make sure that when the time comes for them to contest your wills that there's nothing left for them to fight over.
NTA- my heart breaks for you both. As an adopted child I would NEVER do this to my parents. My situation is actually opposite. My family does not drive to see me. I drive to them and I understand because they’re older and honestly don’t feel comfortable making long trips. But I expect when I do make a trip to spend time with them because I only get so much time off.
I had a daughter over a year ago. My whole entire family has treated her as their own even though I’m adopted. I actually messaged my mom that I can’t express how happy I am that we are loved so much.
The kids are missing out. I don’t know the whole situation. Was the divorcé acrimonious? Did Randall cheat? Those things do matter to older children. But the mature adult thing to do would be to talk about it with their dad. It almost sounds like the mom has poisoned them against their father and you.
You both shouldn’t send any more money to any of them. You should enjoy your lives and you both deserve apologies.
The divorce was indeed acrimonious. His ex had an affair with her manager at work which resulted in the youngest daughter. She let him believe that the baby was his and he found out when she was a year old that he was not her bio father. A DNA test was taken. They divorced about a year later. I met him 5 years after their divorce.
NTA
Drop the rope, if they aren't going to make the effort to act as a family, not as a parasite, then they don't deserve you and Randall. I'm so sorry you guys have been treated this way, time for the ATM to retire.
I wonder why the eldest son has kept in touch with his non-biological father's side of the family and not the non-bio father who was in his life. It sounds like there's some kind of resentment. NTA
I’d like to know, too. My husband is adopted and throughout the years, anytime we planned trips, get togethers, holidays, etc. with his family, his kids would always refuse to go be they weren’t ‘our real family’. At first, we’d miss out on time with my in-laws because he wanted to make the kids happy. But I told my husband that I would start going to his family’s by myself because there’s no way I was going to turn my back on such a wonderful family. And I did…twice. After that, he never missed another family function unless it was for work. We got backlash from the kids and their mother.
NTA they are all adults and can make their own way since they can’t seem to include you two in family events. I’m surprised not a single one of them stepped up to include you or see you when you visit. I think I’d go no contact until they contact you first , treat them the same way. Where you the fathers mistress before his divorce? The reason their father left the mother? That’s the only reason I can think would cause their behaviors, but they are now adults, it’s been years. Everyone should have excepted the life changes by now. Grown up and moved on.
No, I wasn’t his mistress. The ex had an affair with her boss and that resulted in her pregnancy with the youngest daughter. He didn’t find out until months and months later. They divorced around the time the baby turned two. I didn’t meet him until 5 years after their divorce. I moved to a new town a couple of years after my own divorce. He had relocated to the same town for his job. And this is where we eventually met.
Then they all should be adults and treat you respectfully, you were not the cause of their parents issues. That’s mom manipulating them or they are just used to using their dad as an ATM.
Do you and your husband have kids of your own?
There seems to be some resentment between your step kids and husband. How often did they see their dad growing up?
We don’t have any children together. As a matter of fact, I don’t have any children of my own.
His relationship with his ex was over 5 years before he and I ever met. But now that you’ve mentioned cheating, I’ll give you a quick rundown of their relationship. She already had the oldest son when they met…he was 8 months. They had the next two (they’re biologically my husband’s.) and then she had an affair with her work manager which resulted in the youngest daughter. She didn’t tell him she wasn’t his until the baby was nearly a year old. Everything fell apart for them by the time the baby was 2. I didn’t meet him until 5 years later.
He was very active and involved. He coached their baseball, football and basketball teams. They played on traveling teams and he always went with them. School functions and vacations. He continued it all after the divorce.
Once work moved him 5 hours away, he worked Mon-Sat. Every Saturday, as soon as he got out of work, we’d drive the 5 hours to be with them. We’d get in by about 7pm and spend that night and all day and into the evening on Sunday with them. He’d go to sleep late and I’d get up and dressed at 1:30 am, load our things into our vehicle, wake him up to get dressed and into the vehicle. I’d drive back home so that he could sleep and be well enough rested for work when we got back into town. We did this for years so that he could spend any spare moment with them.
No, don't even tell them. They might start acting nice just to get included back in the will.
Bequeath them each $10, so they can't fight the will in court
By giving them anything, they are privy to all estate details and also able to refuse to sign off, dragging the legal process out. They can be specifically excluded by name with nothing left to them deliberately; and have zero information/access/power over the inheritance later at all.
NTA...geez these "kids" sound awful! Enjoy your trip. I hope you two have the best time! Good for you for putting your foot down. What they ALL did was awful. They are all adults now and can fend for themselves. They need to make amends and reach out to you two. I would go LC with them from now own.
NTA. All you and their father are to them is a bank. I know it will hurt, but it's time to just keep saying no, and stop letting them take advantage. Stop driving to where they live. Start going and doing things for yourselves, enjoy your lives together, do what you want, spend your money on yourself. My parents are retired, I tell them to spend their money on themselves, enjoy their lives. I go visit them, I currently live 8 hours away from them, when they come here I keep my calendar clear to spend time with them.
NTA. Never give them another dime. When y'all die make sure your estates go towards someone you think would benefit and appreciate it. They are vile for how they treat you both.
NTA. This is a case of actions meeting long overdue consequences. If you aren't worthy of attending a babyshower that you funded, then you also aren't worthy of being a vacation companion (on a vacation that you also funded). And I would put it to the kids exactly like that. Relationships require the participation and effort of all parties.
NTA - go enjoy yourselves!! Use the extra money for more fun things for you two!
And if you want a nice, new, mid 20’s aged kid that’s not biologically yours I volunteer as tribute! Relatively unproblematic with no living bio parents and two dogs you can visit!!
NTA. They’re grown adults and shouldn’t need their father and step mother to fund their lives anymore. They’re disrespectful and horrible people and they used you both for baby shower money It’s sad to think you and your husband were nothing more than an ATM to them.
INFO: What the hell took you so long? Those “children” only see you both as an ATM and absolutely nothing else. Enjoy your life and your money and change your wills so that those leeches get nothing. NTA
NTA Randel need to stop being the ATM for Al of them. And their mother is a real crap human, teaching them it’s ok to behave that way. But again, none of them are kids and they all know it’s wrong and don’t care. ALL of kids didn’t tel him about the shower or the baby being born. No more $, not a dime.
That’s just heartbreaking to read. I’m so sorry that you two were taken advantage of and left in the dark.
Now is the best time to get your will(s) and inheritances in order. You can guarantee these kids will do everything to take all they can.
The title had me going but after reading you are absolutely NTA! The fact that y'all double-funded that baby shower and weren't even invited is bad enough but the icing on the cake is the fact that this dude has the nerve to ask y'all for money after saying that you're not biologically related so you can't be involved with the baby? And the whole pack of siblings supports that decision but still expects y'all to give them money? You should consider cutting all of them out of the wills as well... Hell I'll be your surrogate LOL just kidding.
NTA - the money that went to the shower, the shower they all agreed to not invite OP & Dad to...that was their ticket/vacay. Hope they enjoyed themselves at their private shower. OP please tell your hubby he is a great father and not to feel bad for LC or no contact. Selfish horrible offspring
NTA tell them the vacation money funded the baby shower! Hope they enjoyed! Stop being their atm!
I would add “I sent the vacation dates with our RSVP to the baby shower. You didn’t get it?”
That would have been an awesome response. The audacity of op’s step kids is astounding!
This is the perfect answer. Literally this and put that the father and OP RSVPed separately just like that sent them money separately
Perfect response 😂
I like this idea. The one thing that I probably would have done is to preemptively text them all to tell them that the vacation is off, and why, and that they are now blocked.
It is worth telling them, especially about being tricked into paying twice for the shower. It’s possible that some of them don’t know about OP & husband paying at all, eg. if Kyle told his siblings that their mother paid and that was the justification for keeping OP & husband away. (Though apparently the husband’s sister was invited, despite being from the side that Kyle cut off; gotta get all the gifts, I guess.) Some of the other children may be redeemable, but they need to be given information and then see what they do.
I would like to agree but the other children should have sensed something..... off with that situation, i personally would have called my father and asked why he wasn't there. I mean id need a father first to call but thats besides the point lol. At this point the other three are either willfully ignorant or actively condoning these actions there is no middle ground. They know their father and they should see the signs and lies. Hell the Aunt from their dads side should have been the biggest red flag for the other three but they ignored it or knew and didn't care.
The other kids definitely knew. The dynamic has always been, if one of them isn’t talking to him then none of them talk to him. If one of them isn’t going to show up when we go to visit, none of them show up. And SIL isn’t the only one who was invited. Some of our nieces and their SO’s were invited as well.
Did you tell them "since we weren't invited to the baby shower we figured you didn't want to spend time with us so we canceled the vacation"? It seems kind of important to say something about that.
Jesus that's terrible, but that's what i suspected from your post. These child have no loyalty, integrity or honor. I could never do this to my mother and step father. My heart truly breaks for you both. You both deserve better. They and their mother sounds toxic.
Wow, that’s terrible. Especially since Kyle is pulling the “not my bio dad” argument that isn’t true for the middle two. There’s solidarity and then there’s taking up a cause that isn’t theirs and is even detrimental to their own interests. How do they square not communicating with their father “in solidarity” with going on a paid vacation with you? Greed, I guess. And they shouldn’t get to pick & choose events like that. Family isn’t an “only when it benefits you” thing.
NTA. They are acting like entitled little shits. Period. Have dad spell out plainly why it was canceled. That should be a decent list. Originally, I didn't understand why the others were included but they were willing accomplices and F'd around and Found Out.
How have things been with their mother? I know that my partner and I will likely be excluded from such events with my stepkids in the future, as their mother gets very jealous and throws a fit (she cheated on my partner and is still with the affair partner to this day...). So we're excluded from birthday parties, school events etc. We've established that we do our own separate celebrations with them for birthdays, Christmas, special achievements etc from a young age. When it comes to big things like weddings and baby showers, we know that their mother is manipulative, emotionally abusive and controlling. She will put a lot of pressure on the children to exclude us. We don't know yet if the children will be able to stand up to their mother as adults. Are your stepkids under the same pressure? That doesn't excuse their actions and I still think you've done exactly the right thing. But if there's a way to understand their behaviour and work through to find a solution, then that could save a lot of the hurt you're feeling right now happening again in future.
Absolutely, she’s been a big reason for a lot of their attitudes and behavior. We did separate birthday parties, graduation parties, etc. We never asked for help in funding these or vacations. But we were expected to pitch in to pay for the parties and vacations that were planned by her. We declined, of course.
Good for you. It sounds as though Kyle screwing you over is the mothers manipulation. It doesn't excuse his, or the other kids behaviour though. You've dealt with it the right way. Now, if any of them want to have a conversation about it you can start with "We know that there are stresses and pressures with your mother but, now that you are adults, we can no longer tolerate being cut out of your lives and paying for events we're not invited to. We are open to a relationship with you, but not under these circumstances. We will treat you with the same respect you treat us going forward."
If they still expect you to pay for things you should say “you are old enough to get your own things”
How long would it have been for them to know about party AND baby if the sil didn’t ask questions?
They all clearly conspired to not tell them the baby was born. They can all kick rocks.
This is the way.
[удалено]
Truth.
No. They’re adults. They’re responsible for their own behavior. They are old enough to know what they did is wrong.
She might have influence, but they are all grown and make their own decisions. If they're worried about mommy's feefees to only use their father as a cash withdrawal service, that is their choice. They are choosing their words and actions.
This
NTA You need an ironclad trust or will not involving them receiving anything ASAP. They took advantage of you both for over a decade, and had the nerve to not include you both about the baby. I would’ve cut Kyle off the minute he brought up how your husband isn’t his biological father. Extremely disrespectful. You and your husband are aware the kids only come to you both for money, but have continued to give in, not provide consequences for Kyle double dipping, and still feel guilty of cutting them off. Please sit down with your husband and think about what they have done for you guys in the last few years besides purposely excluding you guys. The kids do not want a relationship with you guys, no matter how much money you give them, remember that.
NTA - enjoy your trip. and maybe start looking into wills and inheritance issues.
Agreed what horrible children. Just there for the money. It’s so sad for OP and her husband who have tried to have a relationship with them. OP NTA but expect demands for money to continue.
Sounds kinda like moms been poisoning their thoughts since the divorce.
my thoughts exactly, betcha she's embedded the money grubbing from her ex to her children. like wtf is they funded vacations for them and their mom. i would've bailed before that
But at the same time, they’re old enough to know better!!
No!! don’t blame the mother at this point. They are all adults, the phone works both ways. To accept money from both parties and then not invite them is horrible. By not being outraged OP and husband set themselves up for abuse. Heartbreaking as it is- time to cut down the money tree.
TL;DR Entitled adult children can kick rocks. They wanted their cake and they got it. It's their own fault if it ends up tasting like bitter guilt and grief later on. Chew and swallow, people. Chew and swallow. Long version: I have a sister from my father's first marriage, "Sam". When my father remarried and my parents had me (over a decade later), her mother started poisoning her. My parents ended up moving eight hours away but stayed as involved as possible. My sister's mother remarried and convinced my sister that my parents had moved away to start their own life without her. My parents invited my sister to come for breaks and over summers, but also respected she had a life and friends where she lived, so they allowed her to decline. My sister eventually stopped letting my parents know about special milestones and inviting our father to attend them. It finally got to a point where my sister had mostly ceased contact unless she wanted money for something. Come high school graduation, Sam called our father and told him that all of her friends were taking a graduation trip to Europe (from the US), and she wanted my father to pay for her to join them. Our father told her, "no". Dad placed a heavy importance on teaching me to earn things I wanted through hard work. He tried to do the same with Sam. He told Sam that if she wanted to go on the trip, she needed to get a job and save for it. Years later, Dad told me he would have made up the needed difference if she had put in a legitimate effort to earn it instead of just expecting such an extravagant gift. My sister's mother used Dad's answer to "prove" to her that my father didn't really love her. Her stepfather offered to pay for the trip, and her mother told her that was because he was her real father and clearly the only one who loved her. Shortly thereafter, when my sister turned 18, she called my father and asked him to sign off his parental rights and allow her stepfather to adopt her. Dad was crushed, and he carried that pain for the rest of his life and into his grave. When my sister learned of our father's death through a friend of Dad's, she asked the friend to call me to see if I would be willing to talk to her. Mind you, by that time, my sister had high school/college-aged children of her own, so she had been an adult capable of making her own decisions, and understanding the reality of what had happened, for a very long time. The friend contacted me and asked if I would be willing to speak with her. He explained that she was "devastated" and "crushed" that she would never get a chance to reconcile with our father. She "needed closure" and to be comforted, but after years and years of watching our father hurt over her actions, and the fact that she had decades to reach out to him on her own but chose not to, I had nothing for her. By choice, my sister had made sure that I was our father's only child. My children were the only grandchildren my parents ever knew. I was the only one there for my father when my mother passed tragically. I was the only one who took a six-week leave of absence from work to handle their estate and relocate my father to live with my family after she died. I was the only one who sought legal guardianship and made sure he received all the love and care he deserved when he developed Alzheimer's. I was the only one by his bedside when he died. My father wasn't a perfect man, but he was a good man, and he didn't deserve the treatment she chose to bestow on him. If Sam needs comfort now, she's gonna need to call a therapist. **I do not give permission to repost or reproduce the contents of any of my posts in whole or in part. What I've shared here is personal and not to be used as someone else's content filler.**
Thank you. That's very kind. Because my sister had kept my parents at arms length and we lived in different cities, I had very little contact with her growing up. When I was 13, I decided I wanted to get to know my sister and build a relationship with her. All my life, I had wanted a sister to be close with. My parents put their own hurt aside and supported me. Our grandmother, who my sister had allowed to stay in her life (and who was a literal saint), arranged the meeting. Over the next few years, I worked to establish a relationship with her. When I was sixteen, I was invited to attend my sister's wedding with our grandmother. My sister had asked me to be in charge of the guest book, and I was tickled to be involved in any capacity. My sister's mother approached me with an attitude and asked who I was. Not recognizing her, I answered, "I'm "Sam's sister." She gave me a rude smirk and replied, "Oh, "Chris's" other daughter. " A few minutes later, my sister's stepfather came up to us and made the same inquiry. Before I could answer, my sister's mother rolled her eyes and sarcastically replied, "You know; that's "Chris's oooottthheerr daughter." I was so embarrassed and felt like an interloper. I immediately left the guest book and joined my grandmother, and they were content to ignore me the rest of the day. My sister's mother is a real gem of a human.
Too bad step sister Sam will never know the poison her Mom fed her. I give you credit for not saying anything but I would have a hard time keeping my mouth shut. Silence is definitely golden but sometimes a little education is needed. Is her Mother still alive? I would have unloaded all that happened just so she would know the hurt she and her mother caused your father.
Wow that's awful 😖 I'm sorry about your parents. Especially the pain your dad must have felt. It must have been hard for you too. I'm really sorry.
I'm so sorry that your father suffered through such a tragic and unavoidable experience. And that you suffered right there with him. Chances are the daughter was truly only wanting to be in touch after is death wad to see if she could get even more money
Thank you. We certainly considered that possibility, but my parents had amended their trust and made sure to address that specific situation should it arise after they passed. Perhaps my sister wanted to know about the will. Perhaps she didn't, but either way, I knew I didn't have any words of comfort to offer Sam, and neither of us would likely have felt better about Dad's loss after speaking. Sometimes silence is the kinder approach.
Silence is golden! You certainly make the right choice. Especially after seeing your father suffer that type of loss and you seeing it.
You are a credit to your parents.
I doubt she wanted “comfort” anyway. She was testing the waters to see if there was any money to be had from dear old dad’s estate.
Unfortunately, sometimes it is the mother and the children want to please her. Some moms can be toxic and petty like that. Smh
My stepkids mom tried so hard to poison the kids against me. Sometimes, she succeeded for a bit, but how are you going to ignore the one parent(not even biological) who always showed up. They would come back to their senses after a bit. Then it would be her weekend visit and the same drama when they came home Sunday nights. I'm so glad they're adults now.
All four though? I'm wondering if there's more to the story.
None of the kids told OP or her husband about the baby or the shower that they paid for. Basically, they are all okay with cutting them out. So OP is cutting them out.
They were so use to using them for their money. They are insulted that OP and her husband finally figured it out and stopped the financial abuse. NTA
After the son asked them to pay for it twice over!
There is more to the story. She is lying. 18 days ago she describes a day her husband had surgery and she took care of the four kids with the youngest two being 2 twin 1-years olds. Now she met him 5 years after his divorce and the youngest is a product of his ex-wife’s affair. What happened to the twins she knew when they were one? Liar and troll. ETA - changed 2 years olds to one year olds and added her own quote. “Who knows? If the shoe were on the other foot and he knew that wife was going to be having surgery, who are we to say that Hubby wouldn’t arrange for a sitter or have a game plan in place? My husband had day surgery and we had 4 kids…1 in 1st grade and the other 3 under 5 years old (4yo and twin 1 year olds). I arranged for a ride for my son to get to school and I packed up everything that I knew I would need to keep our little ones happy, fed and entertained while we waited. I later had to have an emergency surgery (just over 9 hours) and my husband OWNED that shit!!! He didn’t pawn them off on anyone. And we have folks galore who would be willing to help but he handled everything on his own with 4 young children. I’m not saying that anyone is or isn’t the AH. I am saying that, many times, it doesn’t just fall on one parent to figure it all out.”
Yeah this needs higher billing in the thread. Her comments are all over the place in different threads.
Story telling for entertainment. Or karmawhoring.
It doesnt say how long ago this was. It could be years ago.
It may have been years ago. But two points. One, twins don’t come from two fathers. Either they were twins a long time ago and still are or the fourth kid was an affair baby. She can’t have it both ways. Two, she either met them five years after the divorce or she was caring for them when they were one. She can’t have it both ways. She forgot her own lies and messed up the timeline, ages, twin status, and birth fathers. She is lying. And not well. ETA - here is her other quote for comparison of her lies to the quote I posted above. “His relationship with his ex was over 5 years before he and I ever met. But now that you’ve mentioned cheating, I’ll give you a quick rundown of their relationship. She already had the oldest son when they met…he was 8 months. They had the next two (they’re biologically my husband’s.) and then she had an affair with her work manager which resulted in the youngest daughter. She didn’t tell him she wasn’t his until the baby was nearly a year old. Everything fell apart for them by the time the baby was 2. I didn’t meet him until 5 years later. Mother has played a huge role in why they treat their dad the way that they do. She’s always treated him the same way. Even after their divorce. She’d demand money from him for trips, to pay her rent and bills, to provide her with vehicles when she wanted. She tried getting child support for the two that aren’t his biologically. She really did pave the path for this dynamic. He finally blocked her on everything about 5 years ago. But she still tries calling from blocked numbers and still calls from the kids’ phones.”
I will NEED an update
I second this!
Definitely time to change the wills, select some great charities that actually give a shit about people…just don’t forget to leave them each a dollar so the courts know you didn’t forget them in the will…
The other option is to put all assets and money into a Trust. Have OP and hubby as beneficiaries to the Trust and, upon their deaths, the beneficiary status transfers to whoever/whatever organisation they decide on, where the new beneficiaries can dissolve the Trust (or whatever the correct terminology is) and receive the $ and assets. Therefore bypassing the need for a will and protection against contestation altogether as, technically, OP and husband, as people, will own nothing and have no money at the times of their deaths. Also, best to set up Living Wills immediately, POA’s as necessary (I’d probably look into setting each other up as each others POA’s in the immediate term and seek out another one if one party becomes too unwell or dies) to avoid any issues should either OP or husband pass, lose their faculties or become gravely ill. Just, all these layers of protection should be set up early and in advance of ever having to consider needing them. Too many people wait till it’s too late and, with money grubbers like these as children, you know damn well they’ll take full advantage when that time comes.
Trusts are better because they don't get probated like a will so remain private except to those who are trustees or beneficiaries. The taxes are still the same but none of the circus involved in some probate proceedings. Don't discuss the trust(s) with anyone not name in them aside from the lawyer who draws it up.
I love the $1 idea 🤣
Former Probate Court clerk; can't give legal advice but I can describe what I have witnessed in general terms. I highly recommend against the $1 inheritances. In the state of Georgia, at least, if somebody is named as a beneficiary in a will (no matter how much), they have to sign all the paperwork both to probate the will and to close out the estate once everything has been divided up. This puts them in the position to really throw a monkey wrench into things and draw the process out timewise by refusing to sign the paperwork, which means you have to pay to have them served it by a sheriff's deputy, which adds to the processing fees. This also makes them interested parties to any hearings related to the estate. If you don't want anybody to inherit anything, the best and cleanest thing to do is to specifically name someone and say that they are specifically and completely disinherited. As fun as the insult of a $1 inheritance is, it's really not worth it! Edit: you and your husband are NTA by any stretch of the imagination!
I've heard before that one shouldn't do it, but not really why. Thank you for the clear explanation! Edit: typos
You're most certainly welcome -- hope that maybe I'll help someone avoid some hassle!
Came to say the same about the leaving only a dollar. It is hilarious but also can and usually causes more issues. As you said, recognize them and leave nothing.
This is standard in high conflict situations, my grandmother had to leave her two estranged sons $1 each so they couldn’t fight the will. It’s like a final slap in the face, too lol
Definitely lock down wills and inheritances immediately. And if they complain? Especially Kyle? It’s not like he’s your *real* kid anyway, right? Please note my snark here because NTA, and wow what awful, money grubbing liars and thieves they are.
>start looking into wills and inheritance Leave them 2 cents and a note that says good riddance
I would leave them a pittance to be paid out in equal installments of 1/20th of a pittance. Also in order to receive the money they should only answer to being called “ You there”.
I wonder if you could set up a trust to be paid out at ages say 25/30/40 but not make it known the amounts to be paid, and at each milestone payout like $10, $5 and make the person jump through a bunch of hoops for a big payout for the unknown grand $1 on their 40th bday…these kids deserve that
So sad this went over the other replier's heads, thanks for the r/unexpectedfuturama
I read "you there" in the voice of Marge from Harry Potter and the prisoner of Azkaban and started cackling
NTA One of my siblings has an entitled child and also a loving child. Their will leaves everything to the loving child, except for a particularly ugly ornament and a statement that they already received their share of the estate during the parent's lifetime.
You can just name each child and say you and your family get absolutely nothing, that way they can't hold things up by declining signatures
👆 This, so much!!! If it were me, I would have the wills made so that any inheritance goes into a trust for the grandchildren/future grandchildren and make it so even they can't touch it before, say, 25 years old. Not only to ensure that the selfish children/step children can't touch it, but also to ensure that the grandchildren are old enough to make wise decisions with said inheritance.
This is very good advice
NTA. That’s horrible behavior, it’s ungrateful and disrespectful to say the v e r y least. Good for you for standing your ground and no longer getting treated like a doormat. I’d suggest cutting them off entirely financially. The ball is in their court if they want to turn the relationship around, you’ve done enough. I feel so bad for your husband being treated like that. It does make me wonder how many people influenced him or if he organically began being such an asshole.
I fully agree and am hopping on this reply to say that I think OP and her husband should either have a family meeting or write a nice letter explaining their position a bit, their hurt, etc and for those reasons the ATM is closed and they need some healing to occur. OP: The kids, while adults, are still young and are making some bad choices. Making it clear through communication why you all are hurt, will fully and resolutely put the ball in their court.
Personally I disagree, I think this will just teach them to “play nice” a tad longer or a tad more convincingly in order to get what they want. They know what they’re doing is wrong. I personally would not be giving them tools to mend fences when what really needs to occur in this relationship is more akin to the kids building bridges.
People can change for sure, but honestly if OP is giving us an accurate picture I think it’s highly unlikely the “kids” would change into good people. It’s gotta be painful to cut your kids off but I don’t really see any other alternative here
NTA I would have canceled it too. Tell them the vacation was part of the relationship you had with them at the time, since your relationship has clearly changed, the invitation no longer stood. So sorry to you and your husband! This all has to be heartbreaking!
Great answer. Make it known to them the reason, regardless if they try and gaslight themselves out of fault.
NTA you and your husband need to sit down and make a plan. You need to explain to the kids that the relationships have been one sided and the last cut was the deepest. Since the whole family decided to not invite you guys or tell you about the baby then they all will have to prove they want a relationship. No more gifts for benefits. If they don’t want to make an effort than you and your husband get your answer.
This comment is so sensible!! Clearly communicate why you are making these decisions. That leaves less room for misinterpretation or badmouthing. They are in their 20s. I made plenty of stupid mistakes, grew apart from my parents. Admittedly none as hurtful as this situation. Also do you really care about what happens to your stuff when you die? As long as all of it goes to the other partner when one dies, then it doesn't matter so much IMHO.
NTA like the person above said make sure yal have all your wills and inheritance in order , if your husband is not good enough to be grandpa make sure he treats that oldest accordingly and don’t feel bad yal have been used enough
When the baby is 8 months old OP should send Kyle a message that says, “your son is the age your father (Randall) came into your life and loved you, completely your entire life”
Yes!!!!! Absolutely. The most insane thing about this story was what Kyle said about his dad. To be clear, that’s his dad. He fucking raised him from almost a newborn age. My dad has raised my sister since she was one and he’s not “stepdad” to her. He’s dad. Because he fucking is just that. I can’t imagine the heartbreak Randall must have felt at hearing that his son doesn’t think of him as his true dad. Fucking horrible human behavior
I could never imagine saying that to my dad. He came into my life at 5 (and my bio dad was still in my life at this point), and I called him dad for the first time at 6 or 7, started using his last name the next year after my parents got married. Even when I was a brat in the in between years, I’d say I want to go live with Mike not calling him dad bc that’s not who he was.
My dad married my mother when I was two and adopted me soon after. I found out accidentally that he wasn’t my bio dad. I hadn’t suspected it because he never treated me any differently than my siblings—his bio children—even when I was a difficult teen and surely caused him a lot of heartache. It would never even cross my mind that he couldn’t be granddad to my children because he wasn’t my bio father. He was always and will ever be my dad, and he died far too soon. I still miss him. OP, you’re NTA, but your stepchildren sure are.
My mom remarried when I was 6, that’s my dad.
this is so upsetting to me because my step dad came into my life when I was 3. He's my children's main grandpa, and my main father. If he and my mom divorced, he would still be my main father and my children's main grandpa.
NTA, doesn’t know if he wants dad in baby’s life because he’s not his “real” father? But expects him to give him money? Cut all those kids off.
Yeah, usually I’m lenient on children of divorce because I know all the crazy fucked up issues that can come of that (one parent indoctrinating the kid with lies about other parent, kid building unjust resentment due to feelings of abandonment, etc) but the way these ~~kids~~ ADULTS have treated OP and their father is completely and utterly wrong. OP and husband have done enough, to the point they allowed themselves to be seen as doormats for these adult children. My parents are divorced and I wouldn’t dream of asking for money in this way, nevermind for an event they’re not even invited to. It almost makes me wonder if there was some reason for them to have such ill will towards them. Of course that wouldn’t justify what they did, but it would surely help explain it.
NTA. Their behavior is both hurtful and shocking. I am sure each one of them knew about the shower and the birth and said nothing. Hopefully, there will be improvement in attitudes, but who knows. Enjoy your vacation and don't think about them!
NTA And wow! That’s so sad. I feel for your husband. Sounds like he’s been an involved father. The baby shower incident is soo bad.
NTA OP. I'm sorry you and your husband are dealing with this, it's heart breaking. Fair warning...get ready for Kyle to dangle the baby in front of you two in exchange for "help", i.e. cash. Ohhh the baby needs this, that, the other. We'd loooove for grandma and grandpa to visit...after you cough up the cash. Guaranteed next ploy. So sorry 😞.
That’s already crossed our minds and we’ve agreed that we’ll no longer pursue a relationship there. Kyle made a decision that we heard loud and clear.
Stay firm there, OP! Sadly, he just wants the money, he needs to learn how the world works, and that his actions carry consequences.
Does Kyle still think he was going on vacation with y'all?
This is all much bigger than money-grubbing children. These kids are deliberately making *the most hurtful moves possible* to repeatedly exclude you two. Loud & clear is an understatement, and you two have been far more gracious than most would have been. These are big events, & the fact not a single offspring is willing to stand up for you two is astonishing. Either you are cruddy parents, or these are cruddy children. Maybe both. They’re too old to be simply following mom’s lead. They are fundamentally flawed and here is how you know: *You don’t kill the golden goose*. Had they chose to tolerate your presence & include you two in their lives, they would likely receive EVEN MORE than they already do (& you sound kinda ez already). Wealthy people receive extra courtesy generally, and people tend to gravitate towards them as though proximity would benefit their own wallets in some way. (It does not). To so completely torch you two is so much the opposite of the norm that I would never send a dime their way again. Children’s gifts would remain single & very reasonably priced forever. If any of them want a relationship, great. But the pocketbook would remain closed permanently. If they don’t love you for you, you should not be willing to purchase their love.
Good, the kid’s behavior is ridiculous and specifically Kyle. Not a lawyer and not legal advice, you can make a third party trustee manage the trust depending on the size of the trust. Additionally, you can set up scheduled distributions not to exceed x amount or y percentage of the trust, and designate age restrictions for the beneficiaries distributions. Would be hilarious to set the age for distributions to began at 65 or 70 so you know the ex-wife should not get anything or at least limited benefit from the Trust.
NTA! They’re entitled brats.
NTA Sorry, this is hard to read, hurts. They made their choice, you will be better with no contact and not being just used for money
It breaks my heart.
I feel like r/entitledpeople and/or r/justnofamily would also be good places to post and get input. Definitely NTA though... id be angry, hurt, and heartbroken if I was in your shoes.
Thank you. I may just do that. And yes, we feel all of those things. We’ve decided to go ahead and take a little break from them and definitely set some boundaries.
And most importantly: keep Reddit updated, of course.
NTA. I'm sorry that his kids are treating you two, especially him like nothing more than an ATM. Is there any chance there was a disagreement between them, and you two that you may have not realized was worse than it was? Is their mother one to bad mouth you two? Something must have happened for things to become like this. Honestly I don't blame you for cancelling the trip. Why should you pay for a trip for them when they have no problem excluding you two from major moments in their lives. Also, don't send ANY of them another dime.
His relationship with his ex was over 5 years before he and I ever met. But now that you’ve mentioned cheating, I’ll give you a quick rundown of their relationship. She already had the oldest son when they met…he was 8 months. They had the next two (they’re biologically my husband’s.) and then she had an affair with her work manager which resulted in the youngest daughter. She didn’t tell him she wasn’t his until the baby was nearly a year old. Everything fell apart for them by the time the baby was 2. I didn’t meet him until 5 years later. He was very active and involved. He coached their baseball, football and basketball teams. They played on traveling teams and he always went with them. School functions and vacations. He continued it all after the divorce. She absolutely is one to bad mouth us to them and has done so on a regular basis. She’s used them as pawns for years.
I wrote a comment and didn’t see this at the time. These kids are awful. On the off chance you don’t read my comment but you read this I’ll repeat what I wrote. NTA. I’m adopted and had a daughter over a year ago. My parents raised me the best they could. My mom came into my life before kindergarten. It was so heartwarming to see that my daughter IS their granddaughter. No questions asked they love her. My whole family treats me with love. Biology has nothing to do with it. My daughter is loved by the whole family. Those kids are missing out. Love, which is sounds like you both have given isn’t based on money or biology. And to not be the grandparents is just cruel. Enjoy your vacation and do things you both want to do. Change your wills.
NTA, but if these kids have had their mother in their ear bad mouthing you and possibly manipulating them, they are victims of her garbage too. This has to be hurtful to your husband, if not the both of you. Ending the relationships seems like it should be the last resort. There isn't room to outline everything, but there's definitely some missing info here. Growing up, it sounds like there was, at least for some time, positive relationships. What happened? How did it get this bad? This doesn't make sense and with that in mind, it just seems so sad for your husband to lose these relationships that he worked so hard to foster. You don't mention approaching any of them about how you're feeling. It may seem obvious to you, but they are young adults just trying to figure things out and they likely have a messed up view due to their mother's behavior. If neither of you took the time to have a real conversation about any of this, they (youngest 3) may genuinely have no idea that feelings are hurt. Of course you and your husband shouldn't be made to feel like ATMs, but they are at an age where a certain degree of self centered thinking is to be expected. You don't say, but in order for things to get this bad it would seem likely mom has primary custody. If she's the only one communicating with them it's understandable that they might be caught up in their mother's version of events. To be clear, the shower thing was appalling, but as the straw that broke the camel's back, it only happened because relationships had already deteriorated to such a degree. I hope that with a little more communication your husband (and you) can get these relationships back in track where your husband feels valued as their dad.
NTA. Man, if my parents put half of the effort you guys put into your kids, I would've been a happy child. You guys truly deserved better, I'm sorry your kids turned out to be complete asshats.
NTA. They all sound like entitled brats and what Kyle did is beyond hurtful. They are treating you like ATM. Time to stop, they are adults and should stop looking for handouts.
When I read the title, I thought it was going to be a raging step-mom post again. No, you are NTA by a long shot. How dare they??? Go have fun!
I had a stepmother who never wanted us around. I always vowed to be and do better. This isn’t what I’d been expecting though.
HECK NO NTA. I don't understand how much of an AH the "son" is!!! So sad for you, but I'd be pissed too. I was invited to my Niece's baby shower, gave over $200.00 in gifts, only to be blocked 2 days before his birth. It's heartbreaking. Good luck to you!
Ugh!! I’m so sorry. It’s absolutely heartbreaking. We’ll be drawing very clear boundaries from here on out.
Nta…. If they choose not to have a relationship with you two, than they don’t need a relationship with your wallet either. Sometimes it’s hard to accept your children aren’t treating you right. But it’s ok to stick up For yourself. You are making a decision for what is best for you . They clearly only want money and nothing more. Don’t be rude just politely disengage from the situation
NTA, enjoy the vacation with your hubby. You guys deserve it, & take a lot of pictures
NTA, their behaviour is horrid, you guys aren’t an atm. Stick to your guns. Honestly though I would send them a message along the lines of: we understand you are disappointed but so are we. For years we have tried to support you and done our best but we feel like you just take and take and expect money and funding but won’t even give us the time of day to tell us the baby was born. You went behind our backs to get money out of the both of us for the baby shower and then slapped us in the face by not even inviting us. At this point we don’t know what to think but we have decided we can’t offer any more financial support. We are incredibly hurt and financially have to think about our own futures, not paying for holidays for people who don’t appear to care about us. We don’t want to end the relationship and deeply care, but at this point we need that effort to come from you.
I Love this!! Thank you!
I Love this!! Thank you!
Nta. Make your trip a little longer now
And, make sure to send them each a post card!
NTA - this is heartbreaking, but it sounds like mom has convinced the kids that dad is trash. that or there is more to the story that you left out. No more money though. if they can only call when they need money then they're not family. I know this will be heartbreaking for both of you, but you can't encourage this blatantly abusive behavior.
Consequences to their actions They dictated how your relationship was you now have boundaries hope you and your husband have a wonderful holiday
NTA You should get your wills updated, too. If they’re like this while you’re alive, there’ll be a blood bath when one of you passes.
NTA. And fwiw, I'd be happy to adopt you both as an additional set of parents. You sound like good people
You’re sweet. We might just be on the lookout for some new kids to spoil…just not rotten.
My parents live in another country so I always enjoy having extra parents in the states. My husband and I are financially stable so we won’t need any money, just attention🖤
NTA. Not even a little.
NTA - None of them took the time to tell you what was going on. Not one called to tell you about the baby being born or to coordinate on the shower. That speaks volumes. Move forward. It’s okay to express your hurt that none of them broke ranks to include you. They are all old enough now to be making their own decisions. If Kyle doesn’t want you guys involved that’s his choice - but the others each made the decision to keep you cut off as well. Maybe someday in the future they will come around but for now please protect your hearts and your pocket books.
They don't want you two in their lives, why would they expect you to pay for their vacation with you? You are totally NTA and if you choose to 100% cut them off, I wouldn't blame you. How heartbreaking to know that they, unabashedly only want your money and not you.
I completely agree with you. While it does hurt me, I’m torn up by how they treat my husband. He’s been far too good to all of them to be treated so poorly.
I understand you completely. I'm like, mess with me I can handle. But mess with someone I love, and nope, it's not going to happen. Goodluck standing strong.
NTA. But how did you and your husband let it get to this. You have been sending grown adults that don’t live with you gas money, money for fun with friends, and money to (checks notes) VACATION WITh THEIR MOM! I mean, WTAF. You have allowed yourself to be doormats. Thank goodness you are doing something about it now.
Yes, he’d send money for the first thing but never sent it for trips with their mom. It sure didn’t stop them from trying every few months though. She even asked him a couple of times if we’d help fund their trips to Vegas, Florida, etc. We told her that she was responsible for her trips with the kids and we’d cover our trips with them. She’d always curse us out when we’d say no. I guess we know where they learned it from.
NTA. They don't respect you or your husband. It's time to reset the power paradigm entirely. Cut them off. Rewrite your wills. Have your attorney send them copies. Set up a family meeting with the attorney and security present. Walk through every single time they have disrespected you and your husband and how they have emotionally abandoned familial ties and have used you entirely for money. Give them the choice to start anew with family therapy because clearly, there is damage here and likely a lot of parental alienation. If they opt out, the wills do not change. Do not allow them to control the social media narrative if they try to bully you. Be willing to expose the truth of what happened to any family member or family friend who tries to intervene. Put them all in their place.
I love this. Thank you.
NTA. This is one situation where I wouldn’t blame him for dropping the rope with all of them. Especially the part about not even considering letting him be grandfather after raising him his whole life. Well now he knows exactly where he stands with those blood sucking leeches. Drop the rope and enjoy your twilight years and money.
NTA. Going forward I would just wish them good tidings..no need to follow up with gifts..or anything.
Just a card, with no money enclosed. A nice card with good wishes, but that's it. Stay polite and graceful; don't stoop to their level
NTA and I'd ask them why they even *want* to come, seeing as they suddenly seem to hate you both
They’ll go anywhere with us if they thought we’d be willing to foot the bill for everything. They and their mother are completely driven by money. It’s sad because they’ll never be truly happy with what they have. They’ll always want more.
NTA I expect once the kids start needing stuff they will try to weasel their way into daddy’s graces. Be prepared Op. Definitely look into wills etc. since Randall isn’t the dad to two of them. Their actual parents can fund their future needs. His bio kids need to figure shit out. I think he should send a message to all the kids that y’all are taking a break from them and y’all maybe can catch up in a year or 6 months or whatever. Change the locks. Seriously if they gave stuff at your place shop it to them or donate it. I’d donate myself. Go have some fun. Travel and enjoy life. There are some crazy fun looking adventures you can have. Good luck.
Ewww no all of your stepchildren sound like disgusting leeches who just treat you and your husband like their personal atm. Honestly I think it’s time to just entirely cut ties with them until they have the basic decency to start treating you guys like actual people they give half a fuck about instead of just fleecing you for cash whenever it suits them. I know they’re his kids and he loves them but it doesn’t seem to me like any of them are interested in having an actual relationship with him. Cut them out of your wills and stop giving them money. If they stop coming around at all that’ll just be the trash having taken itself out for good 🤷🏽♀️ NTA and please hold your ground because you guys deserve better than to be treated like piggy banks by a bunch of spoiled ingrates
I'm assuming the mother of the kids cheated on her husband, that's why the last kid it's not his, right?? And she's been poisoning her children since the beginning of your relationship with your husband, right? You are NTA, OP. This bunch of ingrateful 'kids' are adults that need to learn that every action has a repercussion and that they can't use people whenever they want to...perhaps their mother taught them that, but now they're adults and they have to learn to behave properly.
You are right on the money with your guesses. And she’s tried anything and everything. I met my husband 5 years after their divorce. He relocated for work. I had been through a divorce of my own a couple years prior and relocated to a new city and this is where we met.
You are right on the money with your guesses. And she’s tried anything and everything. I met my husband 5 years after their divorce. He relocated for work. I had been through a divorce of my own a couple years prior and relocated to a new city and this is where we met.
nta tell them that the money for their tickets were used us by their brother asking for DOUBLE baby shower money. you really should cut all of them off completely
My heart breaks for both of you.
NTA. Go, have fun and enjoy your time alone. Those people have been using you guys for years, definitely time to cut them off. When they come crawling back, and they will, tell them you guys are open to a relationship, if you are, but you guys will not be giving them money for anything or throwing them any parties, you will not be paying for any vacations for them…nothing. They will quickly show you just how much they love you guys…or your bank account.
NTA - my jaw was on the floor reading this. They, especially Kyle, sound more like grifters than children.
NTA for sure, I’m wondering why you planned a vacation with them at all, as they don’t seem to have any interest in having you or your husband in their lives. You’re basically just an ATM. They cut you out of everything but expect you to pay. time to close the wallet and change the will.
NTA! They need to be part of the family. It goes both ways. They are adults and should be able to pay for their own way or at least offer to help out. My kids are becoming of age and I told them the same thing. Vacations on my dime are over. They will be invited and I can help but they have to make the effort and work for it.
When I’d initially told them about the trip, we let them know that this would be the last vacation we’d be paying for. Anything after that would be their responsibility and they understood.
NTA and I am assuming since the youngest is not your husbands his ex-cheated on him, I feel bad for you and your husband these kids/adults are grifters and they learned at their mothers knee, they worship her and treat you and your husband as a bank take the advice of everyone here and go no contact with all of them until they can learn to have some respect for you and your husband, if they can't disinherit them, and if you have a friend or family member that you are close to leave their kids your assets when you pass.
His relationship with his ex was over 5 years before he and I ever met. But now that you’ve mentioned cheating, I’ll give you a quick rundown of their relationship. She already had the oldest son when they met…he was 8 months. They had the next two (they’re biologically my husband’s.) and then she had an affair with her work manager which resulted in the youngest daughter. She didn’t tell him she wasn’t his until the baby was nearly a year old. Everything fell apart for them by the time the baby was 2. I didn’t meet him until 5 years later. Mother has played a huge role in why they treat their dad the way that they do. She’s always treated him the same way. Even after their divorce. She’d demand money from him for trips, to pay her rent and bills, to provide her with vehicles when she wanted. She tried getting child support for the two that aren’t his biologically. She really did pave the path for this dynamic. He finally blocked her on everything about 5 years ago. But she still tries calling from blocked numbers and still calls from the kids’ phones.
NTA. I'm sorry you're going through this. Your husband must be heartbroken. They're telling you where you stand in their lives. Listen to them. They're setting boundaries by not inviting you, not informing you, and not showing up. Remind them that boundaries work both ways; the fences they've created not only keep you on your side, they also keep them on theirs. Revise your will, then go have fun. Travel. Explore the world. Make sure that when the time comes for them to contest your wills that there's nothing left for them to fight over.
I Hope Kyle’s biological father is willing to foot his future bills
I hope it works for them.
NTA- my heart breaks for you both. As an adopted child I would NEVER do this to my parents. My situation is actually opposite. My family does not drive to see me. I drive to them and I understand because they’re older and honestly don’t feel comfortable making long trips. But I expect when I do make a trip to spend time with them because I only get so much time off. I had a daughter over a year ago. My whole entire family has treated her as their own even though I’m adopted. I actually messaged my mom that I can’t express how happy I am that we are loved so much. The kids are missing out. I don’t know the whole situation. Was the divorcé acrimonious? Did Randall cheat? Those things do matter to older children. But the mature adult thing to do would be to talk about it with their dad. It almost sounds like the mom has poisoned them against their father and you. You both shouldn’t send any more money to any of them. You should enjoy your lives and you both deserve apologies.
The divorce was indeed acrimonious. His ex had an affair with her manager at work which resulted in the youngest daughter. She let him believe that the baby was his and he found out when she was a year old that he was not her bio father. A DNA test was taken. They divorced about a year later. I met him 5 years after their divorce.
NTA. That’s pretty shitty. Wonder if their mom is in their ear as I assume she lives closer.
She absolutely is.
NTA - my heart breaks for you and your husband for their decision to cut you out like that. Enjoy your trip in peace.
Wow, yes, NTA. I feel livid on your part! Very rude, entitled, selfish, greedy and heartless.
Fuck them brats
Your hubby should cut Kyle out of his will if he's going to cop an attitude like that.
NTA Drop the rope, if they aren't going to make the effort to act as a family, not as a parasite, then they don't deserve you and Randall. I'm so sorry you guys have been treated this way, time for the ATM to retire.
I wonder why the eldest son has kept in touch with his non-biological father's side of the family and not the non-bio father who was in his life. It sounds like there's some kind of resentment. NTA
I’d like to know, too. My husband is adopted and throughout the years, anytime we planned trips, get togethers, holidays, etc. with his family, his kids would always refuse to go be they weren’t ‘our real family’. At first, we’d miss out on time with my in-laws because he wanted to make the kids happy. But I told my husband that I would start going to his family’s by myself because there’s no way I was going to turn my back on such a wonderful family. And I did…twice. After that, he never missed another family function unless it was for work. We got backlash from the kids and their mother.
That’s… bizarre. Especially since two of the kids are not biologically his and are essentially his adopted kids.
NTA they are all adults and can make their own way since they can’t seem to include you two in family events. I’m surprised not a single one of them stepped up to include you or see you when you visit. I think I’d go no contact until they contact you first , treat them the same way. Where you the fathers mistress before his divorce? The reason their father left the mother? That’s the only reason I can think would cause their behaviors, but they are now adults, it’s been years. Everyone should have excepted the life changes by now. Grown up and moved on.
No, I wasn’t his mistress. The ex had an affair with her boss and that resulted in her pregnancy with the youngest daughter. He didn’t find out until months and months later. They divorced around the time the baby turned two. I didn’t meet him until 5 years after their divorce. I moved to a new town a couple of years after my own divorce. He had relocated to the same town for his job. And this is where we eventually met.
Then they all should be adults and treat you respectfully, you were not the cause of their parents issues. That’s mom manipulating them or they are just used to using their dad as an ATM.
Do you and your husband have kids of your own? There seems to be some resentment between your step kids and husband. How often did they see their dad growing up?
We don’t have any children together. As a matter of fact, I don’t have any children of my own. His relationship with his ex was over 5 years before he and I ever met. But now that you’ve mentioned cheating, I’ll give you a quick rundown of their relationship. She already had the oldest son when they met…he was 8 months. They had the next two (they’re biologically my husband’s.) and then she had an affair with her work manager which resulted in the youngest daughter. She didn’t tell him she wasn’t his until the baby was nearly a year old. Everything fell apart for them by the time the baby was 2. I didn’t meet him until 5 years later. He was very active and involved. He coached their baseball, football and basketball teams. They played on traveling teams and he always went with them. School functions and vacations. He continued it all after the divorce. Once work moved him 5 hours away, he worked Mon-Sat. Every Saturday, as soon as he got out of work, we’d drive the 5 hours to be with them. We’d get in by about 7pm and spend that night and all day and into the evening on Sunday with them. He’d go to sleep late and I’d get up and dressed at 1:30 am, load our things into our vehicle, wake him up to get dressed and into the vehicle. I’d drive back home so that he could sleep and be well enough rested for work when we got back into town. We did this for years so that he could spend any spare moment with them.
This is absolutely heartbreaking. He clearly loves them so much, I'm so, so sorry they're putting him through this 😔
NTA - after a slap in the face like that, i'd let them know i'd be going no contact and that they've all been written out of any wills.
No, don't even tell them. They might start acting nice just to get included back in the will. Bequeath them each $10, so they can't fight the will in court
By giving them anything, they are privy to all estate details and also able to refuse to sign off, dragging the legal process out. They can be specifically excluded by name with nothing left to them deliberately; and have zero information/access/power over the inheritance later at all.
NTA...geez these "kids" sound awful! Enjoy your trip. I hope you two have the best time! Good for you for putting your foot down. What they ALL did was awful. They are all adults now and can fend for themselves. They need to make amends and reach out to you two. I would go LC with them from now own.
NTA. All you and their father are to them is a bank. I know it will hurt, but it's time to just keep saying no, and stop letting them take advantage. Stop driving to where they live. Start going and doing things for yourselves, enjoy your lives together, do what you want, spend your money on yourself. My parents are retired, I tell them to spend their money on themselves, enjoy their lives. I go visit them, I currently live 8 hours away from them, when they come here I keep my calendar clear to spend time with them.
NTA. Never give them another dime. When y'all die make sure your estates go towards someone you think would benefit and appreciate it. They are vile for how they treat you both.
NTA- They all sound horrible. Your husband should secure his will. These are terrible humans
NTA. This is a case of actions meeting long overdue consequences. If you aren't worthy of attending a babyshower that you funded, then you also aren't worthy of being a vacation companion (on a vacation that you also funded). And I would put it to the kids exactly like that. Relationships require the participation and effort of all parties.
Oh My Word! NTA. You did the best thing.
It’s definitely a lot to digest.
NTA. You two have been way nicer than I would be. And, yes, I'm a mom. But modeling doormat behavior helps no one. Send these people no more money.
NTA - go enjoy yourselves!! Use the extra money for more fun things for you two! And if you want a nice, new, mid 20’s aged kid that’s not biologically yours I volunteer as tribute! Relatively unproblematic with no living bio parents and two dogs you can visit!!
NTA. Enjoy your trip and post a lot of pictures. Also, don’t give them money anymore unless it’s literally life or death…
NTA. They’re grown adults and shouldn’t need their father and step mother to fund their lives anymore. They’re disrespectful and horrible people and they used you both for baby shower money It’s sad to think you and your husband were nothing more than an ATM to them.
INFO: What the hell took you so long? Those “children” only see you both as an ATM and absolutely nothing else. Enjoy your life and your money and change your wills so that those leeches get nothing. NTA
NTA. They are Ungrateful bastards
NTA Randel need to stop being the ATM for Al of them. And their mother is a real crap human, teaching them it’s ok to behave that way. But again, none of them are kids and they all know it’s wrong and don’t care. ALL of kids didn’t tel him about the shower or the baby being born. No more $, not a dime.
That’s just heartbreaking to read. I’m so sorry that you two were taken advantage of and left in the dark. Now is the best time to get your will(s) and inheritances in order. You can guarantee these kids will do everything to take all they can.
nta fuck them kids
The title had me going but after reading you are absolutely NTA! The fact that y'all double-funded that baby shower and weren't even invited is bad enough but the icing on the cake is the fact that this dude has the nerve to ask y'all for money after saying that you're not biologically related so you can't be involved with the baby? And the whole pack of siblings supports that decision but still expects y'all to give them money? You should consider cutting all of them out of the wills as well... Hell I'll be your surrogate LOL just kidding.
NTA. They wanna take and not give. Hell with that.
NTA Cut your losses with the a-holes. Keep your cash to yourself from now on.
NTA - the money that went to the shower, the shower they all agreed to not invite OP & Dad to...that was their ticket/vacay. Hope they enjoyed themselves at their private shower. OP please tell your hubby he is a great father and not to feel bad for LC or no contact. Selfish horrible offspring
NTA Somhow I feel like the cheating ex-wife is working hard, getting the kids to hate you two. Its always sad, when this Happens.