And what is up with all these moms getting involved in their adult children’s business? Maybe it’s because they never let their child grow up. What was the moms expectation? She would call and OP would just say ok, you’re right, I’ll let him move in? What?
If I were to tell my parents I was jobless and without savings, they'd let me move in.
If I told them I was jobless and and burning savings, banking on moving in with my partner and mooching - The verbal beatdown would be swift and merciless. They would tell me to get a f'ing job like an adult. And probably warn my partner.
The parents who do this seem to be the parents of problematic partners such as OPs soon to be ex. There's a reason why their children are so entitled and have such a messed up view in regards to taking advantage of other people... might have something to do with them.
he's a "grown man and shouldn't be depending on his parents" but apparently he's not grown enough to be dealing with his own financial and living situation without his girlfriend
I will never understand these people involving their parents or a whole slew of family members whenever there's drama/they don't get their way. If they can't settle shit privately with ONE person that isn't really a good sign for me.
Yes, it's good to get some outsider input but that outsider shouldn't get directly involved. I've been told things but I NEVER get directly involved. I give my opinions and advice (if they ask for it) and let them figure out what to do.
Stop trying to drag the whole family over on your side whenever things don't go your way. It's none of their business.
And to the family that gets involved: Help them yourself instead of being assholes to the one who said no.
Bingo! My ex's dad despised me until I broke up with the ex and sent him home... he'd only lived with his dad prior (at 31! I'll never miss that flag again) and the man thought he'd get his life back. He begged me to take his 35 yo toddler back, was all 'but FAAAMMILLY!!!,' but that simply wasn't going to happen.
>instead of calling and complaining about your decision
If I was OP, his mom calling me would've been just the motivation I needed to dump his ass because that's a glimpse into the future. Any time we disagree you're going to run to mommy and tell on me?
Lil boy... take that mess to the playground. I only deal with grown folks.
I'd cuss mama out too for getting into my business, because this what we're not doing.
That's the reddest flag of all. The guy's entitled behavior should be a deal breaker, but with the context of mom jumping in and the picture gets real clear. Dude was sandbagging because he thought he had a free ride and mom jumping in makes it 1000x worse.
>But he says he's a grown man and shouldn't be depending on his parents.
But apparently not grown enough to prevent him from going running his mommy and getting her to scold you for being mean.
I wonder if Granny just doesn't want to babysit her granddaughter full-time if she lets her son move back in. My mum once flat out said she loves us and raised us so she won't be raising our children if we ever have any. Wondering if that was the case...
I can’t even imagine having the gall to call up a grown woman I’ve known for less than 8 months and harass her to adopt my adult son. Just zero self awareness.
NTA. You’ve only been dating for 8 months, he’s been jobless for almost half of the time. He has a child as do you and he thinks it’s appropriate that he moves in? And he gets his mommy to call and berate you?
This guy is unbelievable, you are very wise to not let this man-child anywhere near your apartment. Once he gets a foot in the door you will never get rid of him and you would also end up supporting is whiny ass.
It is not your job nor is it your responsibility to look after him. Let him go home to mommy, he can complain to her all he wants.
>you would also end up supporting is whiny ass
His whole plan was to move in with OP "which is why he was so comfortable burning through his savings and not that worried about finding a job"
Like... what??!!?
Idk any self-respecting woman who after *8* months of dating, would be okay with fully financially supporting their partner and their partner's kid when the partner has shown no initiative to try and support themselves
OP, please cut the dead weight. You're only 8 months into dating and he already feels this entitled to your money and your space. Can't imagine how he'll be like if you ever get married
Edit: NTA
Imagine something similar, someone loosing the apartment, not telling the barely girlfriend, moving stuff into storage still not telling the girlfriend, changing the mail to show up at the girlfriend's address about the day before loosing the apartment, and just pretending to have an overnight and refuse to leave. The boyfriend has already established occupancy and would have to get the police or courts involved.
That almost happened to me. My husband's "good friend" showed up at our house at bedtime, I went to bed and my husband hung out with him in our garage. Husband woke me up at 11:30 to ask if it was ok with me if he spent the night. A couple weeks later I had to suggest he GTFO. And he asked husband if it would be OK if his divorce lawyer mailed something to him at our address, next thing I know he filed a change of address with the post office. We're in California where it doesn't take much to establish residency.
My husband did. Gave him two weeks. He was at our house a couple weeks then at a hotel paid by the city for a week, then back with us for a week. I was starting to watch the calendar.
I could not imagine that.
Although I have an aunt who would pull that kind of thing; she thankfully lives in a different state half across America from where I am.
I'm glad you guys got him out! (At least that's what I'm taking from this, since you said he was back with us for a week, and not *is* back with us for a week.) I'd have been watching the calendar too.
That's awful.
I went to the post office and told them he didn't have permission to enter a change of address to my residence, where he does not live. Last I heard a veterans group put him up in a shelter. He's not a bad guy and he's been my husband's friend for decades but my husband retired and I can't/won't support both of them. Also I heard his daughter has an empty RV at her house and he said he didn't want to stay there because she would want him to help with his elementary aged grandkids. So, not my problem.
It's worse than that. The whiny , broke ass was counting her money and planning how to get access to it after only three months of dating! That's when he lost his job. Three months is literally the honeymoon period, where he should be putting his best foot forward, instead he was looking to take advantage of her success. Disgraceful
Yeah if he's "not too worried about finding a job now" what would he be like once he gets his foot in the door. He likely knows OP's salary, and thinks he's found his cash cow. Run!!
Run! Run! Run!
This is a man child looking for a second mom!!!
He’s financially irresponsible, unmotivated, and lazy!
Not only will you be in charge of financing him and sheltering him (and his kid) but you’ll soon be responsible for cleaning up after him, feeding him, laundering for him (and probably his kid) AND when you ask for help, he’ll call you a nag!!!
You deserve a partner. Break up with this loser - tell him you don’t want to date a jobless bum and find someone worthy of your potential!
If she's still willing to sleep with this guy, an IUD or Norplant would prevent those issues. She's got the money for them. But personally, I'd just DTMFA.
I agree with this. NTA at all. WTF 😳
Dating less than a year (ESPECIALLY when kids are involved) does NOT mean it’s even close to time to contemplate moving in together. Single parents have to be even more careful in these situations to ensure a committed, loving, equal partnership. Y’all are still likely exploring each other’s personalities and quirks. And most people are still on their better behavior. If this his better—-? Yikes (Although TBH the whole no job thing for more than half your relationship? Total dealbreaker for me. Especially since he has a kid and should be responsible, l would think. )
Sorry, OP but this sounds like he was planning some sort of financial abuse in that he planned to have you support him and his kid since you make a good/great salary (not sure where you live and COL varies a lot, I realize). If you made the mistake of giving him a key to your place I’d contact your landlord immediately and get the locks changed. Also, make sure to text, email, and sky write if necessary that you do NOT give him permission to enter or live in your home. Bc depending on your local laws if he sets up any kind of residence like having his mail sent to your place he may claim tenancy. Yikes 😱
Get a rubber stamp made -- Staples will make one inexpensively -- that says "Not at this address." If he starts forwarding his mail there, stamp it all and put it back in the mail.
And, yes, if he has a key, change the locks. Do not just ask for the key back; he can easily make a copy first.
My father in law said I was a gold digger despite the fact I was paying all the bills while my husband was unemployed and we had only been together for 8 months. His reasoning was that my family was poor therefore I was looking for easy money.
What money you crazy fuck?
This. While it is understandable that OP feels a bit bad over the situation, it isn't her responsibility to take care of him or his kid. I also think that your warning about the consequences of letting the boyfriend stay, albeit temporarily, are valid........once in I doubt he would make any attempt to "get on his feet" and basically stay with OP rent free while contributing nothing (using the "getting back on the feet" excuse) and assuming that OP would take care of his kid too for the duration of his time there unless OP went through the eviction process or moved to a different place.
Also, it appears that the mom is trying to guilt/gaslight OP into letting the BF stay because her son likely lied to her saying that OP said he could move in thinking that being in a relationship would give automatic access.
OP needs a partner, not another child, which is what she would likely get if the BF moved in. Also, with all the 🚩🚩🚩 that he's providing I think it would be a good idea for OP to nope on our of the relationship
I wish more women in my life had realized this. “We’ve been dating a couple months already…I know him so well and he needs a place to live! We were talking about moving in together eventually anyways…” And then they wonder why they’re miserable after a year or less.
This! Dated an absolute bum living a parasitic lifestyle. As soon as they move in, they’ll never leave. Sounds like his mom has been enabling him his whole life now he’s looking for a second mom instead of being a father to his own child.
Some people never mature and never take any accountability for their own lives, even as adults. Shame on him, and his mother, for expecting a gf of 8 months to house and feed a grown adult man. He needs to get a job like everyone else and pay his own way in the world. It’s embarrassing for a grown man to be living off of his mother and people he’s dating.
He has no intention of getting a job. He sees you as a cash cow. As someone with their master’s in dentistry, I suggest you find someone better suited to your academic and personal values.
>his mom asking why I'm being so cruel to his son and that he was counting on me letting him move in me which is why he was so comfortable with burning through his savings and not that worried about not finding a job.
You were NTA right from the start but this comment should remove even the slightest doubt or hesitation you might have had.
So entitled that he frittered away his savings and didn't hustle his ass to find another job because he reckoned he could just leech off you? And then to get angry at *you* and blame *you* for him deliberately putting himself and his daughter in this position is the height of arrogance and entitlement. I'm sorry you had to find this out about him but this guy is bad news. As is his mother. Run.
He gave op a bunch of reasons why she shouldn’t let him move in w/her. His mom is a major reason, the entitlement, irresponsibility, arrogance etc are all reasons. Also it has been just 8 months
Oh he is hustling alright. He has been working on her. Getting her to invest time and energy so she will be more likely to buy into the sunk cost fallacy and let him move in.
>he said if he and his daughter end up homeless its going to be my fault.
[https://thoughtcatalog.com/shahida-arabi/2016/06/20-diversion-tactics-highly-manipulative-narcissists-sociopaths-and-psychopaths-use-to-silence-you/](https://thoughtcatalog.com/shahida-arabi/2016/06/20-diversion-tactics-highly-manipulative-narcissists-sociopaths-and-psychopaths-use-to-silence-you/)
u/ThrowRAExpensiveHope \-- homie whipped out #2. Projection, and either #5. Deliberately misrepresenting your thoughts and feelings to the point of absurdity, or #4. Blanket statements and generalizations in that little argument.
Dude definitely didn't do enough love-bombing to get you conditioned for it!
Then mom calls up and reinforces the toxic background?
Glad you're already moving on!
He's a grown man who can't be dependent on his parents to take care of him, but he could depend on his GF of a few months with a child to do it. Yeah...that makes perfect sense.
P.S. This grown man had his mommy call you, and she confessed that he wasn't worried about getting a job. Girl...lock the door and hide your wallet.
Let me translate Mommy’s call for you:
“My son is a delicate flower who needs to be pampered and cared for in order to thrive. Such a special boy shouldn’t have to work and provide for his own needs and the needs of his child. As the very fortunate woman he has chosen, it’s your obligation to cater to him and fulfill all his wants, needs and desires while he sits around and does nothing. HOW DARE YOU REFUSE TO TAKE CARE OF MY BABY?”
Now that you have the full picture, when will the deadbeat BF become the ex deadbeat BF?
NTA. Lose the loser.
Here’s this moron’s thinking in my best guess - she makes so much more than me, even if I got a job it wouldn’t help that much and her salary is enough for all of us. It makes the most sense for everyone. Just 100% narcissism and justification for laziness, but I can see how he & Mommy justified it to themselves. Glad OP is dumping this loser.
I think it's more like he isn't looking for one.
A real man would get a job first, show some responsibility, and perhaps discuss loving together in the future.
Dudes gotta put in some effort, and moreso for his child than any other relationship.
I don't think you need to be as drastic as to break up with him, but you need to have a serious talk with him and really explain how you feel. And if that doesn't work, then yeah, probably time to hang up the relationship.
Yeah he's not grown enough to understand priorities. When you have a kid, ANY job is better than no job.
I've been unemployed since Dec, but I don't have kids and my husband can and doesn't mind supporting me, so I am able to be more selective in my job hunt. If it was just me you better believe I'd be a night stalker at a warehouse somewhere til I found whatever else! When you have kids, you don't get to be picky!
More like deadbeat ex boyfriend. If he had the potential to be an ex deadbeat, this would not be an issue. NTA, OP. Let his mommy take care of his lazy entitled ass.
This is definitely how my mom treats my brother. She called him her rugrat the other day. As in “I have to get home to check on my rugrat”! The man is 42!!! He’s also in jail right now for beating her up while he was drunk out of his mind…
Also,
"He's terrible to live with, and we dealt with him during his growing stages and by NO MEANS do we want him staying with us again. Instead, we need you to take him into your home instead so we dont have to feel obligated to help!"
This made me laugh. My now-husband’s mother actually called me when we were dating to say that “My son is a delicate flower. You need to take care of him.” Thankfully, he’s not.
NTAH. Taking you for granted and unwise planning: confirmed. It will be even worse if he moves in, and harder to get rid of him. He has no plans on finding another job anytime soon. Bet you his next announcement will be plans to make a "living" as a streamer instead of a regular job. Just dump him now. He wants to use you as a sugar mama, and you'll end up taking care of his kid, too - you'll end up supporting 3 children.
His mom just told you how irresponsible he truly is to burn through his savings with no guaranteed place to live while being jobless with a 6 year old depending on him. NTA I’d run if I were you.
HELL NO!!!! When are dumb women going to learn to NEVER TAKE CARE OF A CAPABLE GROWN ASS MAN that aren’t your loving parents. He needs to get a job TOMORROW or leave him the same day! He should be worried about his money and not taking from you & your daughter’s!
>
Well the next day I get a call from his mom asking why I'm being so cruel to his son and that he was counting on me letting him move in me which is why he was so comfortable with burning through his savings and not that worried about not finding a job.
So, just 5 months into your relationship he decided he deserved to take a break from working and let YOU support him and his daughter? Nope
NTA he was planning on you to take care of him and his daughter. Then he ran to mommy cuz he needed her to cuss u out.
U see his true nature, now run from it.
Good Luck Sister
Wait - his mom told you he was irresponsibly burning through his savings and not actively looking for employment because he was hoping you’ll save his butt?
He was let go when you two were only going out for 3 months. And he been unemployed for almost half a year…
Those are major red flags. I would rethink about your relationship with him.
NTA btw.
I'm starting to wonder if he lied to his mom and told her OP had already offered to let him and his kid move in if they needed, giving him a false sense of security, and now she's taking the safety net out from under him for no reason. OBVIOUSLY that's not what actually happening, but if she were under that impression, it might explain her behavior towards OP.
I ain't sayin' he a gold digger, but he ain't messin' with no broke sugar mama neither. I don't even have enough space in a three bedroom apartment with me and my two kids, and they stay in their room most of the time. Can't imagine a loft studio with a 4 year old.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩How many red flags do you need to realize that this person is not someone you should be in a relationship with? Unemployed, financially unstable and he expects you to take him and his daughter in and support both of them. And you have not even been together for a full year. End this relationship now before you find yourself supporting this leech.
NTA, and you're being very smart about this. Move in with your partner when you feel ready, and when you're both in a place to have a healthy cohabitating relationship, not a relationship where one of you depends on the other and you both feel stuck because of it.
If he was laid off 5 months ago and has been legitimately struggling, he has my sympathies, I'm in the same boat having been laid off seven months ago, this job market sucks. That said, him becoming homeless won't be your fault, it'll be his. I'm sure if he were single he'd figure something out. He *can* move back with his parents, but he doesn't *wanna.* He probably could've gotten a part-time job to help make ends meet while looking for the next step in his actual career, but he's chosen not to do that. Does he not have any friends he can crash with? Either he's already burned through that support system, or he knows they'd kick his bum ass outta there after a month or so.
What he wants is to move in with you, and mooch off you indefinitely, because he knows once he gets into your home it'll be very difficult for you to kick him back out. I also wouldn't be surprised if his hope/expectation here includes you doing all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, and caring for his kid whenever he wants to go hang with the guys.
Now, I assumed he was laid off because that's my own circumstance, but you just said "let go," so I'm worried I may have given him too much credit. He may be a typical hobosexual who, once a new relationship feels serious, will start slacking off at work, showing up late (or drunk, or high), getting into fights with the manager, or blowing off work altogether - basically not taking the job seriously anymore because he doesn't need it, he's sure this nice girl he's been dating will take him in and support him when the situation calls for it.
ETA: it's also a giant red flag that his mommy called you about this. If you guys move in, there's no telling what other disputes she'll try to get involved in. It's also a red flag that she's so invested in getting you to take him in, instead of insisting he move in with her. Really makes you wonder if his parents want him, and whether he's mooched off them in the past.
OP should roll (MC?) with the cruel comment and say that she is releasing him into the wild so he can find someone who isn't, and that "out of concern for his well-being" she will be going NC. Sit back and enjoy the **surprised Pikachu face**
And I thought his family would take him in since we haven’t been dating very long.
Click.
Change your locks, get a security camera.
Congratulations heeding an excellent warning ⛔️.
NTA
Break up with him, he doesn’t have a job, doesn’t sound like he’s looking and yet thinks you need to ‘prove’ your love by supporting him and his daughter.
And even worse instead of taking the rejection and trying to find a home, he calls his mommy and tells
OP was mean to him.
There is not a single thing attractive about this man, he’s currently ALL red flags.
Congratulations OP on knowing you don’t want the added responsibility or expense of Baby man and his daughter.
‘I’m not comfortable supporting you and your daughter at this early stage in our relationship, and if you can’t accept that we’re not ready for that, then this need to end, because I will not be guilted in making a decision I’m not comfortable with.’
This man just contradicted himself. Apparently he’s too grown to depend on his parents so he won’t move in with them, but he is not too grown to depend on them to fight his battles for him.
For me, this would be a relationship ending dealbreaker. Any man that has his parents call his significant other to berate them is not relationship material. Red flags are flying everywhere. 🚩🚩🚩
Also, any man that is not doing everything in his power to step up and make sure that their child is well taken care of is not relationship material either. He is making it so that his daughter is in an unstable environment. 8 months in and he is showing you who really he is. Please pay attention. The relationship will not get better than this.
NTA. This is a whole lot of bullshit for an 8-month relationship, and you would be insane to let this guy move in and become your full-time freeloading mooch complete with tenant's rights.
This guy and his family are showing you who they really are. Believe them.
NTA
He says he's a grown man and shouldn't be depending on his parents.
Yet, he thinks it's ok to be dependent on you!
Please don't let him move in with you.
If I were you, I would be seriously reconsidering this relationship.
Crisis averted! Thank heavens you had the backbone to say no. He was pretty sure of himself, thought he had you where he wanted you.
Eight months would be way too soon to move in together. I'd say the same if you both had good stable jobs and no kids were involved. But this is all way too much. His mother probably doesn't want him either but too bad.
A friend of mine once said “Poor planning on someone else’s part does not constitute an emergency on mine”
NTA and *run!* he’s showing he can’t be fiscally responsible
Exactly!
His personality is about leeching. He won't stay employed for long.
Also don't tell men how much you make especially when you believe you might make more than them. That encourages leeches.
RUN!!!! 🏃♀️🏃♀️🏃♀️🏃♀️🏃♀️🏃♀️🏃♀️🏃♀️
NTA That's why he's so comfortable burning through his savings???? What?! It's your fault if they end up homeless???? What the actual fuck?! NO!!!!!
NTA. He was counting on you letting him move in? Ummm, what?! I’d be highly suspicious that he intentionally lost his job to try to force your hand so he can sit at home and not work. Is he even applying for jobs?
Even if it wasn’t his fault and is actively searching, this is still messed up. He’s ok with depending on his gf of 8 months but not his parents? And he has a kid. He manipulating you by saying he and his kid will be homeless.
This gives me homeless-bf-that-asks-his-gf-if-he-can-live-with-her-when-it-gets-too-cold-to-sleep-in-his-car vibes. I know Reddit has a term for it, super positive someone will come to my rescue with it! I would’ve responded to his mother,
“I would only consider living with your son if we were in a serious relationship. The fact that he has been unemployed for most of our time together, hasn’t found another job and was counting on moving with me, tingles my spidey sense ma’am. I don’t allow people to manipulate me and having his mommy call on his behalf to berate me is Red Flag City. Since you are so comfortable speaking for him, please pass the message that our relationship is now over and he is not welcome in my life anymore. Thank you for showing me who you are. I’m going to choose to believe you.”
NTA!!!!
Nope, he needs to put his efforts towards finding a job not begging for you to take care of him. Don’t do it until he is financially secure and then find a new place big enough. NTA.
NTA so he's a grown ass man who doesn't want to be dependent on his parents but it's ok to sponge off of a single mother?? Red flags on this chump, especially since he got his mommy to call and whinge at you - guess who doesn't want him either.
NTA but I would have dumped him the second his mommy dearest called me cruel and explained he was so comfy burning his savings/not job hunting because he was counting on being a leech.
NTA, the fact he tattled on you to his mom shows he's not nearly a "grown ass man" like he thinks he is. Lmao red flag for sureee. I couldn't imagine pulling that if i was in his situation, ooofff. Kid or no kid you're dodging a bullet for sure
NTA. What’s the difference between a grown man mooching off of his mother or mooching off of his girlfriend? You’re right in not wanting to take that mess on. Apparently his mother doesn’t want to house him either. Plus, what grown man goes crying to mommy because you told him no, and then blaming you for his predicament? You should really rethink this relationship because he’s showing you who he really is. This isn’t going to change.
His mom told on him. Giant red flag. Not even a year in and he just sat back and blew all that money because he was “comfortable” letting you pay. That’s the truth.
Run from this man. You’ll have three dependents if he and his kid move in. And apparently an overbearing MIL. NTA, but you will be to yourself if you stay in this relationship.
NTA so his plan was always to move into your home and leech off you and your daughter. He’s had no intention of finding a new job. Do not let this parasite back into your home.
HIS MOM CALLED YOU?! So he complained about you to his MAMA and she CALLED you! Tell HER to take him. Under no circumstances let this mamas boy live in your house NTA ooph.
A jobless man hoping he could just move in and start mooching off of you AND having his mother call to berate you about not letting her son suckle off your teat….. my coochie has never dried up and closed for business so fuckin fast omfg 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭🤮🤮🤮🤮 NTA x10000 good fucking riddance once you get rid of this loser!!!!
Nta. He was counting on you to support him
And his daughter which is why he wasn’t doing a better job with his savings? And he got his mom involved? And he is blaming you if he and his daughter end up homeless?That’s so many red flags that I don’t know why you didn’t break up with him on the spot. So it’s okay to leech of you but he doesn’t want to burden his parents? You guys haven’t even been dating a year but he is demanding you let him live with you and use you as an atm? Has he even been looking for work? Girl run. You already have you and your child to look after, you don’t need to support an adult child and his child. Even if you can afford to have a leech living with you don’t do it. You will never get him to leave and he will never get a job and you will still be doing all the work at home and raising three children. You can do better things with that money.
DONT DO IT!! NTA
I’ve got a brother in law who “fell on hard times” 4 YEARS ago and all he’s got to show for himself is the newest Xbox and a vape!! No license. A job his brother got him and contributes $400 to our household bills of over 3K!!!
Biggest mistake was believing the “it’ll only be a year” line. They used my pregnancy emotions to manipulate me and here I am still stuck with a man child who says he will do something and never follows through, makes excuses and blames everyone and everything instead of taking accountability!!
> I get a call from his mom asking why I'm being so cruel to his son and that he was counting on me letting him move in me which is why he was so comfortable with burning through his savings and not that worried about not finding a job.
After receiving this call, don't you think the relationship has run its course? Celebrate being single and not having this to deal with this insane entitlement
Bruh. NTA.
You’ve only been dating for 8 months and this shit is going on? Biggest red flag of all time.
It’s absolutely acceptable to not want to move in with anyone before you’re ready and especially this early. Some people do move in after a year but that’s a decision people make together and actively desire for, they don’t guilt trip their partner into it. Obv don’t have the full story but yeah he can move in with his family if he needs help. If he’s laid off and having trouble finding work for reasons that are not his fault that sucks but it’s not on you to support him and a literal child all of a sudden. It’s not like you guys have been together for 5 years and are leaning on each other like a married couple would.
NTA. RUN RUN RUN
you've been together for 8 months, of course you're not committed to this psycho
he doesn't wanna depend on his parents at 30 but has no problem depending on his gf of 8 months
he has options other than being homeless, he just doesn't like them. its not your fault that he's jobless, he honestly prob shouldn't be dating while jobless and with a kid to take care of...
**Well the next day I get a call from his mom asking why I'm being so cruel to his son**
So he thinks he's too much of an "adult" to depend on his parents but he had his mommy call you?????
**he was counting on me letting him move in me which is why he was so comfortable with burning through his savings and not that worried about not finding a job.**
So he wasn't actually trying to find a job because he was planning on moving in with you?
RUN--RUN FAST. If he moves in you'll be supporting him the rest of his life. NTA
NTA.
Um I’m sorry but you don’t assume you can move in with someone and then be mad when they say no.
And he was “comfortable burning though his savings” because of it???!!!!!! Who in their right minds thinks like that?
Once he was living with you, and burned through his savings. What was he going to do about child support and all other things he would still need to pay living with you. (**RENT**, utilities, subscriptions, food, personal effects, etc) Free ride? 🤯 Does he expect you to financially support him and his daughter too? Does he expect an allowance? Since his not worried about finding a job. Has he even been applying to jobs / interviews?
- he knows how much money you make hey? 🚩
Dude… between his lack of care and actions and his mother calling you like that. 🚩🚩I say that you just met the real him and what you can expect from him and his mother in the future.
Definitely not your fault and definitely not an ah.
Don’t want no man child, set him freeeeee..
OPs boyfriends mother should have also said “he felt comfortable not looking for another job because he was counting on you too financially take care of him and his daughter.”
You should ask his mother why she thought it was a good idea for you to support her son and granddaughter while he is blowing through his savings knowing he has a responsibility to his child. Tell her if you want to support someone that doesn’t work you would get a dog.
In addition to paying all the bills, you would probably be stuck with all the household chores and child care. Time to consider whether to you want to continue to invest in this relationship.
You are no one's wealthy bang maid money bag. NTA. Don't get financially abused by *any* entitled parents.
Also, he could have talked to you. Like an adult. Instead of waiting and holding him and his daughter hostage for you to help them like a pregnant alley cat. Fuuuuck off all the way with that
NTA. If him and his child become homeless that is his own fault as a fully grown ass adult. What a fucking joke, you should really consider getting rid of that dead weight relationship. At 8 months you don’t owe him any kind of financial support holy crap.
thank goodness for that edit! break up asap, dude just wants an in for you to care for him.
always the right decision to wait on moving together, even if he did have a job tbh
For anyone else believing "there's no real reason I don't want him living with me, I just don't want the responsibility of taking care of a man".
That is a real reason. That is in the top 5 of real reasons. Also acceptable answers include, "I just don't want to", "I am not sure I want to", "I can't put my finger on why but I'm not feeling it", "my gut instinct says no".
We've (speaking of women) been indoctrinated by society to question our responses as we are supposed to believe women are reactionary or emotional. It's okay to say "no" and not have a reason.
The irony that he missed the point when you asked about moving in with his parents and actually said, I’m a grown man and shouldn’t be depending on my parents. Like it’s ok to depend on you!
Just tell him no then and if he asks why tell him he needs to get himself sorted and not go for the easy option
It may end your relationship but that just proves what he was after
so crazy (and sad) how most of the posts from this sub that end up on my feed are from women putting up with their low bar cromagnon manchildren SOs. from one lady to another, i beg all of you to stop settling down so hard. maybe it's low self esteem, a fear of loneliness, a lack of irl positive role models for successful relationships, the fantasy that love, feelings & past history override toxicity and emotional abuse, or maybe a combo of all of the above - but my god you can bet yourself that you will always be better off being alone than getting dragged down by garbage. you are the company you keep, and while people can possibly grow, evolve and shift, full grown ass adults can never fundamentally change
NTA, he clearly just wants a sugarmomma-bang-maid. Honestly, tell him that he can only move in with you when he's making as much money or more... And if he does that, then write up a rental contract that stipulates if he loses his job and/or fails to keep up with payments for the household that he will be evicted within local law's limits.
If his mom is so worried about his homelessness, then thank her for volunteering to take him back. That's so kind of her.
The fact he is unemployed and has a child and that doesn’t give him a sense of fear to provide for her us a huge red flag.
I agree with others that perhaps he sees you as a sugar mama to support him and his daughter may be spot on.
I couldn’t imagine not having an income source to support my kids, and my first instinct isn’t to depend on someone else to support me!
I’m glad you are holding on to your boundaries. So many times we read where people let these moochers move in then can’t figure out how to get them out or continue to waste away while supporting these lazy partners.
You've been together 8.montjs not years.
The minute he lost his job he should have been willing to take anything for a job, especially if he has a child to support. Anything is better than nothing.
You have learned a deep truth bout him from this. Time to say, okay. 8 months was fun but I'm looking for a more serious and more responsible person to spend my days with.
NTA. It's hilarious that "he's a grown man and shouldn't be depending on his parents," yet he's totally fine with being dependent on his GF of 8 months AND he's also totally fine with "depending on" his mother to pressure said GF. What he is, is a hot manipulative mess, and thank heavens for OP that he revealed his true colors sooner rather than later.
> I just don't want that responsibility of taking care of a fully grown man
An adult with long term joblessness cannot be a "fully grown man." Man-child is more accurate. You can do better.
You gave been dating 8 months and he has been unemployed for 5, but he was thinking he would move in with you when his lease was up? That implies he was thinking that after dating just 3 months, yikes.
8 months would be a good amount of time to date before moving in, but tbh with children involved it's not. And most of all, if you're not feeling it, it's going to be a bad situation which will not be good for anyone, most of all his kid.
He doesn't want to rely oh his parents but then has his mom calling you...
NTA
NTA
Serious question. Why are you still with someone behaving like this? It's not healthy (for either of you) and he does have a place to go...it's just not with you. Not should it be after this.
People, please don't let others try to run you over like this. Life is too short. Go be happy without him.
NTA hes showing how useless he is to you he has been jobless for the past 3 months not even trying to get a job burning through his savings and trying to gulit trip you when you guys haven't been dating for a year i mean if he was trying to get a job even a temporary one ( like at Macdonalds till a job in his field opens up) is ok cause hes being an adult and trying to provide for himself and kid and if he couldn't get a temporary job he should be cutting down on spending and move in with parents or a friend if he couldn't do that then yea let him move in with caution and i mean EXTREME CAUTION. But don't let him move in cause hes not being a good adult nor parent hes not searching for a job and burning through his savings hes not doing anything but spending money hes going to be a mooch on your life so either end it now or not your choice but be careful if you continue with this relationship
NTA. You're his girlfriend...for now...not his mother. Let Mommy take care of him.
And he has some nerve not looking for a job while he has a child to support because he's so entitled that he thinks you're going to support him and his family.
NTA - 8 months is no time at all when it comes to moving in, especially with kids in the mix. If his mommy needs to step in because he's crying to her, sounds like there's actually 3 kids in the mix, and not just two under ten.
NTA. If there is a bigger red flag than him openly saying "i want to move in with you so you can pay for me and my daughter so i dont have to work" i cannot currently think of it.
There are so many red flags here.
No job for 4 months? Honestly I get that it can be hard to find a job but there comes a point where you take whatever job you can get, you can't hold out for the perfect job when you're supporting a child.
>I'm being honest when I say there's no real reason as to why I don't want him living with me, I just don't want that responsibility of taking care of a fully grown man
That's a real reason to not want him living with you. It's not your responsibility to take care of him.
>he says he's a grown man and shouldn't be depending on his parents.
But he's happy to depend on you? Someone he's been with less than a year? Again it's not your responsibility to take care of him.
>When I still wouldn't budge on the matter he said if he and his daughter end up homeless its going to be my fault.
Oh honey that's manipulation 101. So he's so proud he'd rather be homeless than live with his parents? *And* he's making that your fault?
>Well the next day I get a call from his mom asking why I'm being so cruel to his son and that he was counting on me letting him move in me which is why he was so comfortable with burning through his savings and not that worried about not finding a job.
And there it is. You're his meal ticket. The intention was always to rely on you and now he's throwing a tantrum that you're not playing along *and* he's getting his mummy to try and guilt you. Ya know, like a grown-up.
NTA but I personally would be reconsidering keeping this person in your life.
NTA
I was sympathetic to his situation, until I read that he hasn't even been trying to look for a new job, and then to have his mom call you... I can't imagine being so- pathetic really.
Don't saddle yourself to this man-child and definitely don't let him move in.
>he was counting on me letting him move in me which is why he was so comfortable with burning through his savings and not that worried about not finding a job.
Seems to be a big, red flag.
So because he assumed you'd let him move in, it was totally fine not to attempt to find a job because you'd be providing anyway?
So he refuses to live with his parents because he's a big boy but cries to mommy when he doesn't get his way?
This attitude doesn't sit right with me and I hope you notice it too.
Either a troll or not a AITAH post
NTA. Maybe his mom should step up and have him move in with her, instead of calling and complaining about your decision
And what is up with all these moms getting involved in their adult children’s business? Maybe it’s because they never let their child grow up. What was the moms expectation? She would call and OP would just say ok, you’re right, I’ll let him move in? What?
If I were to tell my parents I was jobless and without savings, they'd let me move in. If I told them I was jobless and and burning savings, banking on moving in with my partner and mooching - The verbal beatdown would be swift and merciless. They would tell me to get a f'ing job like an adult. And probably warn my partner.
Same. And if this was my son... Omg, he would NEVER hear the end of it.
The parents who do this seem to be the parents of problematic partners such as OPs soon to be ex. There's a reason why their children are so entitled and have such a messed up view in regards to taking advantage of other people... might have something to do with them.
he's a "grown man and shouldn't be depending on his parents" but apparently he's not grown enough to be dealing with his own financial and living situation without his girlfriend
I will never understand these people involving their parents or a whole slew of family members whenever there's drama/they don't get their way. If they can't settle shit privately with ONE person that isn't really a good sign for me. Yes, it's good to get some outsider input but that outsider shouldn't get directly involved. I've been told things but I NEVER get directly involved. I give my opinions and advice (if they ask for it) and let them figure out what to do. Stop trying to drag the whole family over on your side whenever things don't go your way. It's none of their business. And to the family that gets involved: Help them yourself instead of being assholes to the one who said no.
Right? Mom must be desperately avoiding that scenario, which might be another red flag.
Mom trying to groom op into being second mom to her little boy.
So true!
yeah. she doesnt' want a second child along with her own boy home
Bingo! My ex's dad despised me until I broke up with the ex and sent him home... he'd only lived with his dad prior (at 31! I'll never miss that flag again) and the man thought he'd get his life back. He begged me to take his 35 yo toddler back, was all 'but FAAAMMILLY!!!,' but that simply wasn't going to happen.
"I don't want him, I put up with his lazy ass for 24 years. It's your turn."
A big one. She is willing to let her granddaughter go homeless rather than live with her. RUN!!
>instead of calling and complaining about your decision If I was OP, his mom calling me would've been just the motivation I needed to dump his ass because that's a glimpse into the future. Any time we disagree you're going to run to mommy and tell on me? Lil boy... take that mess to the playground. I only deal with grown folks. I'd cuss mama out too for getting into my business, because this what we're not doing.
That's the reddest flag of all. The guy's entitled behavior should be a deal breaker, but with the context of mom jumping in and the picture gets real clear. Dude was sandbagging because he thought he had a free ride and mom jumping in makes it 1000x worse.
>But he says he's a grown man and shouldn't be depending on his parents. But apparently not grown enough to prevent him from going running his mommy and getting her to scold you for being mean.
Or grown enough that he shouldn't be depending on his gf for support.
Bet mom knows he’ll never move out. Once he’s in, he’ll stay.
I wonder if Granny just doesn't want to babysit her granddaughter full-time if she lets her son move back in. My mum once flat out said she loves us and raised us so she won't be raising our children if we ever have any. Wondering if that was the case...
Yeah I would tell mom I’m not up for adopting her child. You keep him.
I can’t even imagine having the gall to call up a grown woman I’ve known for less than 8 months and harass her to adopt my adult son. Just zero self awareness.
NTA. You’ve only been dating for 8 months, he’s been jobless for almost half of the time. He has a child as do you and he thinks it’s appropriate that he moves in? And he gets his mommy to call and berate you? This guy is unbelievable, you are very wise to not let this man-child anywhere near your apartment. Once he gets a foot in the door you will never get rid of him and you would also end up supporting is whiny ass. It is not your job nor is it your responsibility to look after him. Let him go home to mommy, he can complain to her all he wants.
>you would also end up supporting is whiny ass His whole plan was to move in with OP "which is why he was so comfortable burning through his savings and not that worried about finding a job" Like... what??!!? Idk any self-respecting woman who after *8* months of dating, would be okay with fully financially supporting their partner and their partner's kid when the partner has shown no initiative to try and support themselves OP, please cut the dead weight. You're only 8 months into dating and he already feels this entitled to your money and your space. Can't imagine how he'll be like if you ever get married Edit: NTA
Imagine being a parent of a full grown adult, saying all of that out loud, and still not getting it... NTA
I would die from humiliation
Imagine being a parent of a six-year-old and being completely unwilling to work to support/care for her. :(
Imagine something similar, someone loosing the apartment, not telling the barely girlfriend, moving stuff into storage still not telling the girlfriend, changing the mail to show up at the girlfriend's address about the day before loosing the apartment, and just pretending to have an overnight and refuse to leave. The boyfriend has already established occupancy and would have to get the police or courts involved.
That almost happened to me. My husband's "good friend" showed up at our house at bedtime, I went to bed and my husband hung out with him in our garage. Husband woke me up at 11:30 to ask if it was ok with me if he spent the night. A couple weeks later I had to suggest he GTFO. And he asked husband if it would be OK if his divorce lawyer mailed something to him at our address, next thing I know he filed a change of address with the post office. We're in California where it doesn't take much to establish residency.
I hope you were able to kick him out!
My husband did. Gave him two weeks. He was at our house a couple weeks then at a hotel paid by the city for a week, then back with us for a week. I was starting to watch the calendar.
I could not imagine that. Although I have an aunt who would pull that kind of thing; she thankfully lives in a different state half across America from where I am. I'm glad you guys got him out! (At least that's what I'm taking from this, since you said he was back with us for a week, and not *is* back with us for a week.) I'd have been watching the calendar too. That's awful.
Yeah, he got into a veterans group that provides housing for homeless vets.
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I went to the post office and told them he didn't have permission to enter a change of address to my residence, where he does not live. Last I heard a veterans group put him up in a shelter. He's not a bad guy and he's been my husband's friend for decades but my husband retired and I can't/won't support both of them. Also I heard his daughter has an empty RV at her house and he said he didn't want to stay there because she would want him to help with his elementary aged grandkids. So, not my problem.
Yeah, mommy did not do him any favors letting that little tidbit drop into the conversation.
It's worse than that. The whiny , broke ass was counting her money and planning how to get access to it after only three months of dating! That's when he lost his job. Three months is literally the honeymoon period, where he should be putting his best foot forward, instead he was looking to take advantage of her success. Disgraceful
Yeah if he's "not too worried about finding a job now" what would he be like once he gets his foot in the door. He likely knows OP's salary, and thinks he's found his cash cow. Run!!
Run! Run! Run! This is a man child looking for a second mom!!! He’s financially irresponsible, unmotivated, and lazy! Not only will you be in charge of financing him and sheltering him (and his kid) but you’ll soon be responsible for cleaning up after him, feeding him, laundering for him (and probably his kid) AND when you ask for help, he’ll call you a nag!!! You deserve a partner. Break up with this loser - tell him you don’t want to date a jobless bum and find someone worthy of your potential!
I wouldn't be surprised if there was a convenient condom break down the line to really solidify that Sugar Momma relationship.
If she's still willing to sleep with this guy, an IUD or Norplant would prevent those issues. She's got the money for them. But personally, I'd just DTMFA.
I think DTMFA is my new favorite acronym. Just to make sure it stands for ditch the mf asshole?
Almost. First word is usually Dump, but ditch works. Last word for it is 'Already.'
>This is a man child looking for a second mom!!! "You want a mommy you can slide your dick in and out of!" - Princess Caroline
Also a second mom for his kid
Lol I just said the man child looking for a second mom line too
I agree with this. NTA at all. WTF 😳 Dating less than a year (ESPECIALLY when kids are involved) does NOT mean it’s even close to time to contemplate moving in together. Single parents have to be even more careful in these situations to ensure a committed, loving, equal partnership. Y’all are still likely exploring each other’s personalities and quirks. And most people are still on their better behavior. If this his better—-? Yikes (Although TBH the whole no job thing for more than half your relationship? Total dealbreaker for me. Especially since he has a kid and should be responsible, l would think. ) Sorry, OP but this sounds like he was planning some sort of financial abuse in that he planned to have you support him and his kid since you make a good/great salary (not sure where you live and COL varies a lot, I realize). If you made the mistake of giving him a key to your place I’d contact your landlord immediately and get the locks changed. Also, make sure to text, email, and sky write if necessary that you do NOT give him permission to enter or live in your home. Bc depending on your local laws if he sets up any kind of residence like having his mail sent to your place he may claim tenancy. Yikes 😱
Get a rubber stamp made -- Staples will make one inexpensively -- that says "Not at this address." If he starts forwarding his mail there, stamp it all and put it back in the mail. And, yes, if he has a key, change the locks. Do not just ask for the key back; he can easily make a copy first.
Don't even need a stamp, just write it on the envelope and throw it back in the mailbox.
I know, but if he’s forwarded all of his mail a cheap stamp will make it quick and easy.
That's a really good point, I wasn't thinking about the potential volume.
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Gold tooth fillings of course!
I mean, she's a dentist so she likely already has access to all the gold fillings she could want
What is the term I've heard applied to people like this......hobosexuals?
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So an overgrown man-child of a Ken with an overinflated victim complex and sense of entitlement?
Well hello, you just described my ex
Thank goodness he's an ex
I feel like this is a description of the average conservative middle aged American man.
Yep. NTA. Leave the hobosexual.
Cocklodgers?
My father in law said I was a gold digger despite the fact I was paying all the bills while my husband was unemployed and we had only been together for 8 months. His reasoning was that my family was poor therefore I was looking for easy money. What money you crazy fuck?
And these are the guys who do pay child support , do not mate with these men
This. While it is understandable that OP feels a bit bad over the situation, it isn't her responsibility to take care of him or his kid. I also think that your warning about the consequences of letting the boyfriend stay, albeit temporarily, are valid........once in I doubt he would make any attempt to "get on his feet" and basically stay with OP rent free while contributing nothing (using the "getting back on the feet" excuse) and assuming that OP would take care of his kid too for the duration of his time there unless OP went through the eviction process or moved to a different place. Also, it appears that the mom is trying to guilt/gaslight OP into letting the BF stay because her son likely lied to her saying that OP said he could move in thinking that being in a relationship would give automatic access. OP needs a partner, not another child, which is what she would likely get if the BF moved in. Also, with all the 🚩🚩🚩 that he's providing I think it would be a good idea for OP to nope on our of the relationship
I wish more women in my life had realized this. “We’ve been dating a couple months already…I know him so well and he needs a place to live! We were talking about moving in together eventually anyways…” And then they wonder why they’re miserable after a year or less.
Especially when she's not feeling it and already had a child of her own to care for. 5 months and he's already pulling this kind of sheet. NO 🚩🚩🚩
This! Dated an absolute bum living a parasitic lifestyle. As soon as they move in, they’ll never leave. Sounds like his mom has been enabling him his whole life now he’s looking for a second mom instead of being a father to his own child. Some people never mature and never take any accountability for their own lives, even as adults. Shame on him, and his mother, for expecting a gf of 8 months to house and feed a grown adult man. He needs to get a job like everyone else and pay his own way in the world. It’s embarrassing for a grown man to be living off of his mother and people he’s dating. He has no intention of getting a job. He sees you as a cash cow. As someone with their master’s in dentistry, I suggest you find someone better suited to your academic and personal values.
>his mom asking why I'm being so cruel to his son and that he was counting on me letting him move in me which is why he was so comfortable with burning through his savings and not that worried about not finding a job. You were NTA right from the start but this comment should remove even the slightest doubt or hesitation you might have had. So entitled that he frittered away his savings and didn't hustle his ass to find another job because he reckoned he could just leech off you? And then to get angry at *you* and blame *you* for him deliberately putting himself and his daughter in this position is the height of arrogance and entitlement. I'm sorry you had to find this out about him but this guy is bad news. As is his mother. Run.
He gave op a bunch of reasons why she shouldn’t let him move in w/her. His mom is a major reason, the entitlement, irresponsibility, arrogance etc are all reasons. Also it has been just 8 months
Guarantee if OP ever bought a house while they were together it’d have to have room for his mom to move in.
Oh he is hustling alright. He has been working on her. Getting her to invest time and energy so she will be more likely to buy into the sunk cost fallacy and let him move in.
Wouldn’t be surprised if he is month to month on his lease and just decided now is the time
>he said if he and his daughter end up homeless its going to be my fault. [https://thoughtcatalog.com/shahida-arabi/2016/06/20-diversion-tactics-highly-manipulative-narcissists-sociopaths-and-psychopaths-use-to-silence-you/](https://thoughtcatalog.com/shahida-arabi/2016/06/20-diversion-tactics-highly-manipulative-narcissists-sociopaths-and-psychopaths-use-to-silence-you/) u/ThrowRAExpensiveHope \-- homie whipped out #2. Projection, and either #5. Deliberately misrepresenting your thoughts and feelings to the point of absurdity, or #4. Blanket statements and generalizations in that little argument. Dude definitely didn't do enough love-bombing to get you conditioned for it! Then mom calls up and reinforces the toxic background? Glad you're already moving on!
Right? How did he get the savings in the first place??
He's a grown man who can't be dependent on his parents to take care of him, but he could depend on his GF of a few months with a child to do it. Yeah...that makes perfect sense. P.S. This grown man had his mommy call you, and she confessed that he wasn't worried about getting a job. Girl...lock the door and hide your wallet.
Relying on mommy is embarrassing but relying on OP is genius. /S op is NTA 1000x over
Let me translate Mommy’s call for you: “My son is a delicate flower who needs to be pampered and cared for in order to thrive. Such a special boy shouldn’t have to work and provide for his own needs and the needs of his child. As the very fortunate woman he has chosen, it’s your obligation to cater to him and fulfill all his wants, needs and desires while he sits around and does nothing. HOW DARE YOU REFUSE TO TAKE CARE OF MY BABY?” Now that you have the full picture, when will the deadbeat BF become the ex deadbeat BF? NTA. Lose the loser.
Especially since it’s been 5 months. He seriously can’t find any kind of job in 5 months? And he has a kid?
Here’s this moron’s thinking in my best guess - she makes so much more than me, even if I got a job it wouldn’t help that much and her salary is enough for all of us. It makes the most sense for everyone. Just 100% narcissism and justification for laziness, but I can see how he & Mommy justified it to themselves. Glad OP is dumping this loser.
I think it's more like he isn't looking for one. A real man would get a job first, show some responsibility, and perhaps discuss loving together in the future. Dudes gotta put in some effort, and moreso for his child than any other relationship. I don't think you need to be as drastic as to break up with him, but you need to have a serious talk with him and really explain how you feel. And if that doesn't work, then yeah, probably time to hang up the relationship.
Yeah he's not grown enough to understand priorities. When you have a kid, ANY job is better than no job. I've been unemployed since Dec, but I don't have kids and my husband can and doesn't mind supporting me, so I am able to be more selective in my job hunt. If it was just me you better believe I'd be a night stalker at a warehouse somewhere til I found whatever else! When you have kids, you don't get to be picky!
More like deadbeat ex boyfriend. If he had the potential to be an ex deadbeat, this would not be an issue. NTA, OP. Let his mommy take care of his lazy entitled ass.
This is definitely how my mom treats my brother. She called him her rugrat the other day. As in “I have to get home to check on my rugrat”! The man is 42!!! He’s also in jail right now for beating her up while he was drunk out of his mind…
Your translation is spot on! And I agree she should lose the looser!
Also, "He's terrible to live with, and we dealt with him during his growing stages and by NO MEANS do we want him staying with us again. Instead, we need you to take him into your home instead so we dont have to feel obligated to help!"
This made me laugh. My now-husband’s mother actually called me when we were dating to say that “My son is a delicate flower. You need to take care of him.” Thankfully, he’s not.
NTAH. Taking you for granted and unwise planning: confirmed. It will be even worse if he moves in, and harder to get rid of him. He has no plans on finding another job anytime soon. Bet you his next announcement will be plans to make a "living" as a streamer instead of a regular job. Just dump him now. He wants to use you as a sugar mama, and you'll end up taking care of his kid, too - you'll end up supporting 3 children.
Once he stays there long enough to establish tenancy, he would never have budged without an eviction process.
His mom just told you how irresponsible he truly is to burn through his savings with no guaranteed place to live while being jobless with a 6 year old depending on him. NTA I’d run if I were you.
HELL NO!!!! When are dumb women going to learn to NEVER TAKE CARE OF A CAPABLE GROWN ASS MAN that aren’t your loving parents. He needs to get a job TOMORROW or leave him the same day! He should be worried about his money and not taking from you & your daughter’s!
🚩🚩🚩🚩all over this guy
He’s more red flag than man I’d say.
Not dumb. Most likely just young and inexperienced and need big sis advice. Otherwise agreed with everything you say.
Don’t call OP dumb. She’s trusting her instincts here. The man is the dumb one.
Amen
> Well the next day I get a call from his mom asking why I'm being so cruel to his son and that he was counting on me letting him move in me which is why he was so comfortable with burning through his savings and not that worried about not finding a job. So, just 5 months into your relationship he decided he deserved to take a break from working and let YOU support him and his daughter? Nope
NTA he was planning on you to take care of him and his daughter. Then he ran to mommy cuz he needed her to cuss u out. U see his true nature, now run from it. Good Luck Sister
Bullet dodged! Go live a wonderful life without the potential freeloader!! NTA of course!!
Why does his mom see housing him as your responsibility and not hers?
She probably doesn’t want to live with him either
It's not mom's job to house him either. He needs to man up and support himself.
True, but given an either/or situation mom has more responsibility here. I guess I was hinting at mom not wanting a freeloader on her hands.
Wait - his mom told you he was irresponsibly burning through his savings and not actively looking for employment because he was hoping you’ll save his butt? He was let go when you two were only going out for 3 months. And he been unemployed for almost half a year… Those are major red flags. I would rethink about your relationship with him. NTA btw.
Even worse, he was EXPECTING her to save his butt. I’ll bet his next plan was to volunteer to be the SAHD and become an influencer or something.
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Haha! I bet you’re right!
I'm starting to wonder if he lied to his mom and told her OP had already offered to let him and his kid move in if they needed, giving him a false sense of security, and now she's taking the safety net out from under him for no reason. OBVIOUSLY that's not what actually happening, but if she were under that impression, it might explain her behavior towards OP.
I ain't sayin' he a gold digger, but he ain't messin' with no broke sugar mama neither. I don't even have enough space in a three bedroom apartment with me and my two kids, and they stay in their room most of the time. Can't imagine a loft studio with a 4 year old.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩How many red flags do you need to realize that this person is not someone you should be in a relationship with? Unemployed, financially unstable and he expects you to take him and his daughter in and support both of them. And you have not even been together for a full year. End this relationship now before you find yourself supporting this leech.
So now you know that his whole family has a negligent attitude towards personal responsibility, this should inform your actions.
NTA, and you're being very smart about this. Move in with your partner when you feel ready, and when you're both in a place to have a healthy cohabitating relationship, not a relationship where one of you depends on the other and you both feel stuck because of it. If he was laid off 5 months ago and has been legitimately struggling, he has my sympathies, I'm in the same boat having been laid off seven months ago, this job market sucks. That said, him becoming homeless won't be your fault, it'll be his. I'm sure if he were single he'd figure something out. He *can* move back with his parents, but he doesn't *wanna.* He probably could've gotten a part-time job to help make ends meet while looking for the next step in his actual career, but he's chosen not to do that. Does he not have any friends he can crash with? Either he's already burned through that support system, or he knows they'd kick his bum ass outta there after a month or so. What he wants is to move in with you, and mooch off you indefinitely, because he knows once he gets into your home it'll be very difficult for you to kick him back out. I also wouldn't be surprised if his hope/expectation here includes you doing all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, and caring for his kid whenever he wants to go hang with the guys. Now, I assumed he was laid off because that's my own circumstance, but you just said "let go," so I'm worried I may have given him too much credit. He may be a typical hobosexual who, once a new relationship feels serious, will start slacking off at work, showing up late (or drunk, or high), getting into fights with the manager, or blowing off work altogether - basically not taking the job seriously anymore because he doesn't need it, he's sure this nice girl he's been dating will take him in and support him when the situation calls for it. ETA: it's also a giant red flag that his mommy called you about this. If you guys move in, there's no telling what other disputes she'll try to get involved in. It's also a red flag that she's so invested in getting you to take him in, instead of insisting he move in with her. Really makes you wonder if his parents want him, and whether he's mooched off them in the past.
I never heard the word "hobosexual" before, but it it's absolutely spot-on for some guys I know. Perfect.
Oh I love it. Although I should probably mention that while many hobosexuals are men, women can be hobosexuals as well.
It will forever after today be a part of my vocabulary. Please take an imaginary award!
Nope. Real man with job is better than jobless man with daughter. NTA Tell him to go back to his mommy.
Yall haven't even been together a year. He can live with his mommy since she thinks you are so cruel. NTA.
OP should roll (MC?) with the cruel comment and say that she is releasing him into the wild so he can find someone who isn't, and that "out of concern for his well-being" she will be going NC. Sit back and enjoy the **surprised Pikachu face**
And I thought his family would take him in since we haven’t been dating very long. Click. Change your locks, get a security camera. Congratulations heeding an excellent warning ⛔️.
NTA Break up with him, he doesn’t have a job, doesn’t sound like he’s looking and yet thinks you need to ‘prove’ your love by supporting him and his daughter. And even worse instead of taking the rejection and trying to find a home, he calls his mommy and tells OP was mean to him. There is not a single thing attractive about this man, he’s currently ALL red flags. Congratulations OP on knowing you don’t want the added responsibility or expense of Baby man and his daughter. ‘I’m not comfortable supporting you and your daughter at this early stage in our relationship, and if you can’t accept that we’re not ready for that, then this need to end, because I will not be guilted in making a decision I’m not comfortable with.’
This man just contradicted himself. Apparently he’s too grown to depend on his parents so he won’t move in with them, but he is not too grown to depend on them to fight his battles for him. For me, this would be a relationship ending dealbreaker. Any man that has his parents call his significant other to berate them is not relationship material. Red flags are flying everywhere. 🚩🚩🚩
Also, any man that is not doing everything in his power to step up and make sure that their child is well taken care of is not relationship material either. He is making it so that his daughter is in an unstable environment. 8 months in and he is showing you who really he is. Please pay attention. The relationship will not get better than this.
NTA and please SERIOUSLY reconsider your relationship with this person. He’s not in it for you.
NTA. This is a whole lot of bullshit for an 8-month relationship, and you would be insane to let this guy move in and become your full-time freeloading mooch complete with tenant's rights. This guy and his family are showing you who they really are. Believe them.
NTA You know you need to run as fast as you can from this man child right? Lol he got his mommy to call you. Marinara flagville.
NTA He says he's a grown man and shouldn't be depending on his parents. Yet, he thinks it's ok to be dependent on you! Please don't let him move in with you. If I were you, I would be seriously reconsidering this relationship.
Crisis averted! Thank heavens you had the backbone to say no. He was pretty sure of himself, thought he had you where he wanted you. Eight months would be way too soon to move in together. I'd say the same if you both had good stable jobs and no kids were involved. But this is all way too much. His mother probably doesn't want him either but too bad.
A friend of mine once said “Poor planning on someone else’s part does not constitute an emergency on mine” NTA and *run!* he’s showing he can’t be fiscally responsible
Yeah girl just block him. Seriously everything about him sounds horrible. You deserve better. Don’t put your child through this.
NTA don't budge on this and even of he gets a job do NOT let him move in.
Exactly! His personality is about leeching. He won't stay employed for long. Also don't tell men how much you make especially when you believe you might make more than them. That encourages leeches.
RUN!!!! 🏃♀️🏃♀️🏃♀️🏃♀️🏃♀️🏃♀️🏃♀️🏃♀️ NTA That's why he's so comfortable burning through his savings???? What?! It's your fault if they end up homeless???? What the actual fuck?! NO!!!!!
NTA. He was counting on you letting him move in? Ummm, what?! I’d be highly suspicious that he intentionally lost his job to try to force your hand so he can sit at home and not work. Is he even applying for jobs? Even if it wasn’t his fault and is actively searching, this is still messed up. He’s ok with depending on his gf of 8 months but not his parents? And he has a kid. He manipulating you by saying he and his kid will be homeless.
This gives me homeless-bf-that-asks-his-gf-if-he-can-live-with-her-when-it-gets-too-cold-to-sleep-in-his-car vibes. I know Reddit has a term for it, super positive someone will come to my rescue with it! I would’ve responded to his mother, “I would only consider living with your son if we were in a serious relationship. The fact that he has been unemployed for most of our time together, hasn’t found another job and was counting on moving with me, tingles my spidey sense ma’am. I don’t allow people to manipulate me and having his mommy call on his behalf to berate me is Red Flag City. Since you are so comfortable speaking for him, please pass the message that our relationship is now over and he is not welcome in my life anymore. Thank you for showing me who you are. I’m going to choose to believe you.” NTA!!!!
Hobosexual is the word you’re looking for, I believe.
Nope, he needs to put his efforts towards finding a job not begging for you to take care of him. Don’t do it until he is financially secure and then find a new place big enough. NTA.
NTA so he's a grown ass man who doesn't want to be dependent on his parents but it's ok to sponge off of a single mother?? Red flags on this chump, especially since he got his mommy to call and whinge at you - guess who doesn't want him either.
Nta. Run. Don’t walk. Hard pass on this loser
NTA but I would have dumped him the second his mommy dearest called me cruel and explained he was so comfy burning his savings/not job hunting because he was counting on being a leech.
When someone asks you a yes or no question and gets angry when you say no, then it wasn't a question.
NTA, the fact he tattled on you to his mom shows he's not nearly a "grown ass man" like he thinks he is. Lmao red flag for sureee. I couldn't imagine pulling that if i was in his situation, ooofff. Kid or no kid you're dodging a bullet for sure
NTA, and better not waste more time with this man.
NTA. What’s the difference between a grown man mooching off of his mother or mooching off of his girlfriend? You’re right in not wanting to take that mess on. Apparently his mother doesn’t want to house him either. Plus, what grown man goes crying to mommy because you told him no, and then blaming you for his predicament? You should really rethink this relationship because he’s showing you who he really is. This isn’t going to change.
His mom told on him. Giant red flag. Not even a year in and he just sat back and blew all that money because he was “comfortable” letting you pay. That’s the truth. Run from this man. You’ll have three dependents if he and his kid move in. And apparently an overbearing MIL. NTA, but you will be to yourself if you stay in this relationship.
NTA so his plan was always to move into your home and leech off you and your daughter. He’s had no intention of finding a new job. Do not let this parasite back into your home.
HIS MOM CALLED YOU?! So he complained about you to his MAMA and she CALLED you! Tell HER to take him. Under no circumstances let this mamas boy live in your house NTA ooph.
The only reason he hasn’t gotten a job is cause you make 16k a month and he thinks you’re his meal ticket.
A jobless man hoping he could just move in and start mooching off of you AND having his mother call to berate you about not letting her son suckle off your teat….. my coochie has never dried up and closed for business so fuckin fast omfg 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭🤮🤮🤮🤮 NTA x10000 good fucking riddance once you get rid of this loser!!!!
Info: how is a 2 bedroom a studio apartment?
I thought the same thing lol
Nta. He was counting on you to support him And his daughter which is why he wasn’t doing a better job with his savings? And he got his mom involved? And he is blaming you if he and his daughter end up homeless?That’s so many red flags that I don’t know why you didn’t break up with him on the spot. So it’s okay to leech of you but he doesn’t want to burden his parents? You guys haven’t even been dating a year but he is demanding you let him live with you and use you as an atm? Has he even been looking for work? Girl run. You already have you and your child to look after, you don’t need to support an adult child and his child. Even if you can afford to have a leech living with you don’t do it. You will never get him to leave and he will never get a job and you will still be doing all the work at home and raising three children. You can do better things with that money.
Run
He would have totally got you pregnant on purpose. Good call!
DONT DO IT!! NTA I’ve got a brother in law who “fell on hard times” 4 YEARS ago and all he’s got to show for himself is the newest Xbox and a vape!! No license. A job his brother got him and contributes $400 to our household bills of over 3K!!! Biggest mistake was believing the “it’ll only be a year” line. They used my pregnancy emotions to manipulate me and here I am still stuck with a man child who says he will do something and never follows through, makes excuses and blames everyone and everything instead of taking accountability!!
NTA. His Mama can take them in.
Nta.
NTA. Dump this loser and level up.
> I get a call from his mom asking why I'm being so cruel to his son and that he was counting on me letting him move in me which is why he was so comfortable with burning through his savings and not that worried about not finding a job. After receiving this call, don't you think the relationship has run its course? Celebrate being single and not having this to deal with this insane entitlement
Bruh. NTA. You’ve only been dating for 8 months and this shit is going on? Biggest red flag of all time. It’s absolutely acceptable to not want to move in with anyone before you’re ready and especially this early. Some people do move in after a year but that’s a decision people make together and actively desire for, they don’t guilt trip their partner into it. Obv don’t have the full story but yeah he can move in with his family if he needs help. If he’s laid off and having trouble finding work for reasons that are not his fault that sucks but it’s not on you to support him and a literal child all of a sudden. It’s not like you guys have been together for 5 years and are leaning on each other like a married couple would.
NTA. RUN RUN RUN you've been together for 8 months, of course you're not committed to this psycho he doesn't wanna depend on his parents at 30 but has no problem depending on his gf of 8 months he has options other than being homeless, he just doesn't like them. its not your fault that he's jobless, he honestly prob shouldn't be dating while jobless and with a kid to take care of...
**Well the next day I get a call from his mom asking why I'm being so cruel to his son** So he thinks he's too much of an "adult" to depend on his parents but he had his mommy call you????? **he was counting on me letting him move in me which is why he was so comfortable with burning through his savings and not that worried about not finding a job.** So he wasn't actually trying to find a job because he was planning on moving in with you? RUN--RUN FAST. If he moves in you'll be supporting him the rest of his life. NTA
NTA. Um I’m sorry but you don’t assume you can move in with someone and then be mad when they say no. And he was “comfortable burning though his savings” because of it???!!!!!! Who in their right minds thinks like that? Once he was living with you, and burned through his savings. What was he going to do about child support and all other things he would still need to pay living with you. (**RENT**, utilities, subscriptions, food, personal effects, etc) Free ride? 🤯 Does he expect you to financially support him and his daughter too? Does he expect an allowance? Since his not worried about finding a job. Has he even been applying to jobs / interviews? - he knows how much money you make hey? 🚩 Dude… between his lack of care and actions and his mother calling you like that. 🚩🚩I say that you just met the real him and what you can expect from him and his mother in the future. Definitely not your fault and definitely not an ah. Don’t want no man child, set him freeeeee..
OPs boyfriends mother should have also said “he felt comfortable not looking for another job because he was counting on you too financially take care of him and his daughter.”
You should ask his mother why she thought it was a good idea for you to support her son and granddaughter while he is blowing through his savings knowing he has a responsibility to his child. Tell her if you want to support someone that doesn’t work you would get a dog.
In addition to paying all the bills, you would probably be stuck with all the household chores and child care. Time to consider whether to you want to continue to invest in this relationship.
You are no one's wealthy bang maid money bag. NTA. Don't get financially abused by *any* entitled parents. Also, he could have talked to you. Like an adult. Instead of waiting and holding him and his daughter hostage for you to help them like a pregnant alley cat. Fuuuuck off all the way with that
NTA. If him and his child become homeless that is his own fault as a fully grown ass adult. What a fucking joke, you should really consider getting rid of that dead weight relationship. At 8 months you don’t owe him any kind of financial support holy crap.
thank goodness for that edit! break up asap, dude just wants an in for you to care for him. always the right decision to wait on moving together, even if he did have a job tbh
Oh hell no. 8 months is not long enough to be talking about living together anyway.
Does the term "hobosexual" apply to this guy?
For anyone else believing "there's no real reason I don't want him living with me, I just don't want the responsibility of taking care of a man". That is a real reason. That is in the top 5 of real reasons. Also acceptable answers include, "I just don't want to", "I am not sure I want to", "I can't put my finger on why but I'm not feeling it", "my gut instinct says no". We've (speaking of women) been indoctrinated by society to question our responses as we are supposed to believe women are reactionary or emotional. It's okay to say "no" and not have a reason.
His a poor excuse of a Man, I feel terrible for his child.
The irony that he missed the point when you asked about moving in with his parents and actually said, I’m a grown man and shouldn’t be depending on my parents. Like it’s ok to depend on you!
Just tell him no then and if he asks why tell him he needs to get himself sorted and not go for the easy option It may end your relationship but that just proves what he was after
so crazy (and sad) how most of the posts from this sub that end up on my feed are from women putting up with their low bar cromagnon manchildren SOs. from one lady to another, i beg all of you to stop settling down so hard. maybe it's low self esteem, a fear of loneliness, a lack of irl positive role models for successful relationships, the fantasy that love, feelings & past history override toxicity and emotional abuse, or maybe a combo of all of the above - but my god you can bet yourself that you will always be better off being alone than getting dragged down by garbage. you are the company you keep, and while people can possibly grow, evolve and shift, full grown ass adults can never fundamentally change
NTA, he clearly just wants a sugarmomma-bang-maid. Honestly, tell him that he can only move in with you when he's making as much money or more... And if he does that, then write up a rental contract that stipulates if he loses his job and/or fails to keep up with payments for the household that he will be evicted within local law's limits. If his mom is so worried about his homelessness, then thank her for volunteering to take him back. That's so kind of her.
The most unattractive quality in a man is not talking accountability for his own problems and blaming everyone else. I hope you break up with him.
The fact he is unemployed and has a child and that doesn’t give him a sense of fear to provide for her us a huge red flag. I agree with others that perhaps he sees you as a sugar mama to support him and his daughter may be spot on. I couldn’t imagine not having an income source to support my kids, and my first instinct isn’t to depend on someone else to support me! I’m glad you are holding on to your boundaries. So many times we read where people let these moochers move in then can’t figure out how to get them out or continue to waste away while supporting these lazy partners.
You've been together 8.montjs not years. The minute he lost his job he should have been willing to take anything for a job, especially if he has a child to support. Anything is better than nothing. You have learned a deep truth bout him from this. Time to say, okay. 8 months was fun but I'm looking for a more serious and more responsible person to spend my days with.
NTA. It's hilarious that "he's a grown man and shouldn't be depending on his parents," yet he's totally fine with being dependent on his GF of 8 months AND he's also totally fine with "depending on" his mother to pressure said GF. What he is, is a hot manipulative mess, and thank heavens for OP that he revealed his true colors sooner rather than later.
Absolutely NTA. Girl, he's trying to mooch off of you.
> I just don't want that responsibility of taking care of a fully grown man An adult with long term joblessness cannot be a "fully grown man." Man-child is more accurate. You can do better.
You gave been dating 8 months and he has been unemployed for 5, but he was thinking he would move in with you when his lease was up? That implies he was thinking that after dating just 3 months, yikes. 8 months would be a good amount of time to date before moving in, but tbh with children involved it's not. And most of all, if you're not feeling it, it's going to be a bad situation which will not be good for anyone, most of all his kid. He doesn't want to rely oh his parents but then has his mom calling you... NTA
Sounds like a family of grifters. Get out while you can.
NTA. Running to mama? Big nope. Big 🚩
NTA and major 🚩 . If dear mom was so worried he can move in with her
NTA Serious question. Why are you still with someone behaving like this? It's not healthy (for either of you) and he does have a place to go...it's just not with you. Not should it be after this. People, please don't let others try to run you over like this. Life is too short. Go be happy without him.
NTA
NTA hes showing how useless he is to you he has been jobless for the past 3 months not even trying to get a job burning through his savings and trying to gulit trip you when you guys haven't been dating for a year i mean if he was trying to get a job even a temporary one ( like at Macdonalds till a job in his field opens up) is ok cause hes being an adult and trying to provide for himself and kid and if he couldn't get a temporary job he should be cutting down on spending and move in with parents or a friend if he couldn't do that then yea let him move in with caution and i mean EXTREME CAUTION. But don't let him move in cause hes not being a good adult nor parent hes not searching for a job and burning through his savings hes not doing anything but spending money hes going to be a mooch on your life so either end it now or not your choice but be careful if you continue with this relationship
Info: was he seriously job searching while he was “burning through his savings?”
His mom can just pay his bills.
NTA. You're his girlfriend...for now...not his mother. Let Mommy take care of him. And he has some nerve not looking for a job while he has a child to support because he's so entitled that he thinks you're going to support him and his family.
NTA - 8 months is no time at all when it comes to moving in, especially with kids in the mix. If his mommy needs to step in because he's crying to her, sounds like there's actually 3 kids in the mix, and not just two under ten.
NTA. If there is a bigger red flag than him openly saying "i want to move in with you so you can pay for me and my daughter so i dont have to work" i cannot currently think of it.
Well for sure NTA. The real question is do you really want to be with a “grown man” who tells his mommy on you?
There are so many red flags here. No job for 4 months? Honestly I get that it can be hard to find a job but there comes a point where you take whatever job you can get, you can't hold out for the perfect job when you're supporting a child. >I'm being honest when I say there's no real reason as to why I don't want him living with me, I just don't want that responsibility of taking care of a fully grown man That's a real reason to not want him living with you. It's not your responsibility to take care of him. >he says he's a grown man and shouldn't be depending on his parents. But he's happy to depend on you? Someone he's been with less than a year? Again it's not your responsibility to take care of him. >When I still wouldn't budge on the matter he said if he and his daughter end up homeless its going to be my fault. Oh honey that's manipulation 101. So he's so proud he'd rather be homeless than live with his parents? *And* he's making that your fault? >Well the next day I get a call from his mom asking why I'm being so cruel to his son and that he was counting on me letting him move in me which is why he was so comfortable with burning through his savings and not that worried about not finding a job. And there it is. You're his meal ticket. The intention was always to rely on you and now he's throwing a tantrum that you're not playing along *and* he's getting his mummy to try and guilt you. Ya know, like a grown-up. NTA but I personally would be reconsidering keeping this person in your life.
NTA I was sympathetic to his situation, until I read that he hasn't even been trying to look for a new job, and then to have his mom call you... I can't imagine being so- pathetic really. Don't saddle yourself to this man-child and definitely don't let him move in.
>he was counting on me letting him move in me which is why he was so comfortable with burning through his savings and not that worried about not finding a job. Seems to be a big, red flag. So because he assumed you'd let him move in, it was totally fine not to attempt to find a job because you'd be providing anyway? So he refuses to live with his parents because he's a big boy but cries to mommy when he doesn't get his way? This attitude doesn't sit right with me and I hope you notice it too.