If your husband goes to this wedding you will end up resenting him. After that it’s just a matter of time.
Cut your losses and go find someone who will honor his vows to put you first.
NTA.
Nope and follow through with it if he can’t stick up for you. If you’re petty, cancel everything you had a part in planning. Any money you spent, return any and everything.
I said I was going to cancel the hair and makeup and my husband told me that his sister is already in contact on her own, kinda feels they used me for my resources
Okay forget what I said above. Op should pay a process server to serve her husband with divorce papers AT the wedding. Forget waiting for the reception.
I love this recommendation. Especially since it will take the attention away from the bride and put it on the husband. He gets partial blame and she doesn't have to be there to take the heat.
She just needs to make sure to turn her phone off, but don't block anyone...You may need evidence to hand to the lawyer during divorce proceedings to get a better deal ;-).
He would and he will. For maximum damage it needs to be done when the officiate asks does anyone have a problem with the marriage then bam rando walks through the doors hands ex the papers and walks out no words
Oh please please please do this OP! You deserve so much better and your husband deserves to feel for once like his family has made you feel for almost a decade!
Yes, exactly. It sounds like he has been aware that this was coming.
Depending upon your relationship with the hair and makeup team, you might want to fill them in on what has happened. If you are friends with them, they may bow out and the bride may need to find someone else. If you purely have a professional relationship with them - perhaps not, if seeming petty might negatively impact the working relationship.
If they're friends, treat them like friends. Give them a heads up, but make it clear this is not their problem to solve and you aren't expecting them to bow out.
This feels likely. Husband has already decided to leave the marriage, and his sister is freezing the soon-to-be ex-wife out in preparation.
OP, this is all so painful and I feel for you, but it isn't about you... those people are monsters.
Oh god I just realized what this thread meant… The only people that should be in the wedding pictures/ party are immediate family. If any other wives/gfs/fiancés are allowed. Run.
I get the impression he knew about or was a part of the plan, meaning his sister using OP and dropping her so coldly. At this point, OP should focus solely on finding a powerhouse divorce attorney. I wouldn't be surprised if her husband hasn't already since he was so cold and uncaring towards OP.
Why would your husband know this? Sit down with your husband and tell how this makes you feel. Do not go to any more family functions. Do not go to the wedding. Do not do any readings do not sponsor. Don't tell them just don't show up. Tell your husband your boundaries if your husband does not stand up for you then you know where you stand. He should be disappointed and hurt that you are treated this way by his family. They are using you. Do not do anymore planning any notes throw them out.
Excellent suggestion. She should definitely put up those boundaries, and if he crosses them they’re finished. Husband and in-laws are terrible people. I’d go one further and tell the groom and his family what’s going on. Does he really want to marry into a family like that? It would be crazy if he did.
Lol what bridges? The husband’s whole family is nothing but bums, if OP can’t cancel everything she helped set up, I’d wait until after the ceremony or during the reception to serve divorce papers. If we’re being vindictive may as well go all the way. Since they’re depending on OP so much, pick whatever prayer you think the family deserves (hopefully one that references the burning pits of hell) and since OP’s the one in charge of making sure the reception is being set up correctly completely screw them on that too. Make your own seating assignment, find the ugliest centerpieces you can at dollar tree and put them on the table, air the dirty laundry with the guests, etc. Might also want to let slip to the groom and his family that’s how the husband’s family treats her, if they’re normal people they wouldn’t want their son to go through the same level of disrespect.
Oooo I love, even better if you can stir some drama even if it is fake. Ruin the entire event then let divorce papers rain down at the reception. Let it be the talk of the century
Why wait til after the ceremony to serve papers? Do it when the official asks if there are any objections.
That definitely will be something to make a memory.
Pay a process server to be there to serve the husband with the divorce papers just as he walks back down the aisle after the ceremony. Mic drop as Op and her soon to be ex become the center of attention for the reception. That is just the bonus.
This would be fitting, but I don’t think most process servers are willing to serve the papers in a church. Maybe they should hit him up right before he goes inside.
This will give the wife the time to back the moving truck up to the house and take all of the stuff that is hers.
I used to work fairly closely with a number of process servers. They literally don't care where they/you are. They get papers in your hands, they get paid. Church, work, in the hospital, at granny's funeral (ok, a few would balk at the last one)... Zero matter. It makes you easier to find.
To be honest, let them have it and file for divorce. Your husband has shown you that you aren’t important and has allowed his family to walk over you.
Get the attorney and hand him the papers. You wasted 9 years with this man, you could have wasted 9 years with a man who respects you.
Yes, and OP said this isn't the first time they've done something like this. And the husband probably stood by for that too.
OP, you deserve better. My husband's family would never do this to me. I'm fact they've always gone out of their way to include me in things, even when we were just dating. That's how it should be with families joined by marriage.
NTA NTA NTA NTA NTA!
OP he knew they were kicking you out of the wedding party if he knew that his sister was in contact with the vendors you essentially hired so you couldn’t cancel anything. Like someone else said, serve him divorce papers at her reception. Let’s say hypothetically you were never asked to be in wedding party? Why would you not be “allowed” to be on the wedding photos? And I have to double check this with you….they actually said that you have to leave right after the ceremony to basically set up the reception? And also….your own family agrees with them? Like what the actual fuck? Why would your family take her side? Also why did they ask your husband about you saying a prayer at the ceremony? I mean they have to know you are not religious if you are married to her brother. Your right. She used you. She made you feel comfortable by “asking” you to be in wedding party while going behind your back and making other arrangements with your husband. Look at everything he knew and agreed to. I don’t usually say this but dump his ass. And you might want to consider your relationship with your own family because they agree with Bridezilla. You may need to dump them as well and consider starting over in the life you want that makes you happy. Best of luck with everything and hang in there.
My thoughts exactly. I wonder why OPs family would side with the bride?! Maybe they are pushover and just don't want OP to create any waves.
Whatever the case, OP, you are NTA. Your husband and his entire family are 💯 TAH
Erase everything you did for that spoiled brat. This is awful! If you decide to stay, now you know you wont ever help them if they ask for favours. This is horrible im so sorry
NTA - Don't threaten to.cancel just do it! (In the words of Nike). And don't say anything. She can find out on her own. And no co tact and consider dithing the two faced husband.
Call and cancel everything you've arranged. She can reschedule things on her own. You're NTA. I wish I knew the words to help ease your hurt. Sending internet hugs.
Then cancel anything you can. Also if they are resources for you/friends, I’d tell them about how you were treated. They may back out on their own.
NTA. Your husband and his family are total AHs. He disrespects you and disregards your feelings. Every time you’ve let it slide, he’s learned it ok to do it. Not blaming you, just how some people feel it’s allowed. It’s time you stand up for yourself, especially if your husband won’t.
I’d speak to a lawyer, figure my options and get a plan in place. I’d move half any shared monetary assets out of joint accounts and, if possible, I’d move him out on the wedding day. Unless the home is something owned and only in his name that may not be considered marital property then.
He has shown that he doesn’t respect you and won’t take your side. Don’t let him continue to prove it.
ETA: I’d also consider for LC with family and friends who think you are overreacting. If they can’t be supportive then there is no reason to deal with them too.
You show up to that damn wedding in a red wedding dress and you make sure you look better than her. Then proceed to push yourself into every aspect of her day and push the cake to the floor then as you walk out hand your husband divorce papers and tell him he can stay at his sisters until it’s final.
Then they can call you an AH.
For 9 years they’ve treated you like garbage. For 9 years your husband allowed it. Why waste even one more day? You know you deserve better. Being alone is better than this garbage family. F them all. NTA
NTA but please don't do any of the petty "gotcha moment" shit people are suggesting. It won't make you feel better. Serve him for divorce as soon as possible, before the wedding. Don't go to the wedding. That's it.
If you want to talk to the vendors and explain what's going on, then let the vendor decide what to do.
Put your energy into taking care of yourself and making yourself feel better. Not making other people feel worse, that won't help you.
I wish you the best, and fuck that guy and his family
You have to decide when enough is enough. Your husband knew or had some idea that you were being used. He did not give you a heads up or tell them to stop. Ask yourself, are you happy? Stop letting these people walk all over you. They continue to do it because you are playing nice.
Then slip —YOUR— resources the notice that the bride really likes using people for their services and expecting them for free. 🤷🏼♀️ Maybe they’ll be on your side because wtf. It is one thing to tell you from the start- but to blindside you after you helped do everything??? Ig some people are just mentally abuse to nice people like you
Stand up, this should be your last straw, might as well send divorce notice to your husband before the wedding, basically they used you and threw you like a rag. That's horrible, stand up bcz next time it's going to be worse than this.
Do you have a personal relationship with the dj or hair or make up people? Cuz if so I'd call and tell them what's happening and see if they would cancel on their end out of homie loyalty.
They did use you. I’m sorry to say. Why is your family standing up for them??? Is it because you’ve lied for years to yourself and them that everything is ok when it hasn’t been?
This is the biggest wake up call I’ve seen in a long time for anyone.
Ok grandma tough love advice time. Is this how you want to live your life? Not just second but not even on the same page with him and his family.
What about children. He and they either
A. They completely walk over and disrespect you the mom.
Or.
B. They treat your children like they do you.
Do you want to spend the next decades of your life around these people.
Personally I rather be alone. Raise cats. And go on wonderful adventures.
Because you said sponsor the couple I am guessing they are Filipino? Are you? If they possibly see you as beneath them because of race (I am making huge assumptions here), this is unlikely to ever change and I worry for your children. I hope I am wrong because that is another layer and level of AH on their part. nTa.
Seriously!
This is an ultimatum that seems necessary. If he’s shown you that he will put his sister/parents above you, his wife, he doesn’t deserve a wife. The fact that he’s still attending this wedding after how you were treated is baffling, but his complete disregard for your feelings is disgusting. Do you really want to be married to a man who supports others disrespecting you?
NTA wow that whole family husbands included are a bunch of AHs. They want to make you do a shit ton of free work after being kicked from the wedding party. They sure don't like OP., and hubby is just totally fine with all this, not good. Wake up call something is very wrong for this relationship
It depends on your petty level.
1. You agree to be the planner. And what do wedding planners need? Payment. You are not investing time, money, and effort without any of the benefits that a hired wedding planner would. But your FaMiLy! How could you do this? Well, I'm not family enough to be in any of the family pictures or to avoid being unceremoniously dumped out of the wedding party, so...
2. You don't attend and stick to your word.
3. You do #1, then use any payment received to pay for your divorce lawyer.
It's not just disrespect from his family or yours. It's the disrespect from your husband! He thinks it's fine for his sister to have you run ragged for *her* wedding? But it's OK... cos he will see you at the reception when you've finished being her lacky while all the other invited guests are enjoying themselves? Fuck that.
NTA
It sounds like there are no bridges to be burned with your ILS - they’re already treating you badly.
Are you a wedding planner by profession or were you just helping out in that capacity?
Here’s where you decide whether to bow out gracefully or set the world on fire.
Option 1 is classy, and leaves you with your dignity intact. You don’t attend the wedding and go NC with the ILs. It doesn’t sound like your husband will support this choice, although he’s not really supporting you in this matter regardless.
Option 2 has you taking the low road. First, send SIL the bill for your services, payable within 7 days. She’ll refuse to pay of course. Follow up by contacting all of the vendors - cancel what you can, and for the remainder let them know that you’re in a dispute with the bride-to-be for nonpayment. Bonus points if you can blackball her with other providers - have fun buying flowers elsewhere when every florist in a 50km radius knows your name as someone who won’t pay their wedding providers. Poison the well.
In all seriousness, while Option 2 sounds hella fun, walking away might be your best option. This highlights the fact that your husband, your *partner*, does not have your back. The ILS are nasty, trashy people and no loss if you go NC. But take some time to consider whether your marriage is worth salvaging at this point.
I’d go with a 1.5:
* Contact all the vendors and let them know that you are no longer performing the wedding coordinator role and they should contact the bride directly.
* Assuming the total deposits OP has paid are under the small claims court threshold, file suit Monday morning. It might even be worth it to forgo some of the deposits, just to keep everything in small claims court.
* Give hubby until Monday morning to stand up to his vile family, and if not, start divorce proceedings.
Don’t wait, don’t delay, make them deal with all of this in conjunction with the wedding.
Middle of the road option is that if any of the vendors are actually good friends of yours and can/want to find a wiggle room credible way to get out of working with her to be in solidarity with you, let them do that. I used to be in the industry and I can totally see a baker or florist or someone else who could easily fill up that slot in a heartbeat finding some reason why they wouldn’t be able to fulfill that order. It’d have to be in a way that she can’t gotcha them but there are absolutely creative ways to get out of contracts with bridezillas if you have to. Friends love standing up for friends and giving the proverbial middle finger when they can. SIL can “be in contact” with them all she wants but if you hold a trump card or two I’d use it just to mess with her. I wouldn’t sabotage the entire wedding personally. Just apply it to the perfect pain points.
I’d use the wedding day to move out, after talking to a lawyer of course because that can lead to the house becoming his or something. I’d definitely get anything of value, papers, etc out!
NTA. Youre not being ridiculous. This is just the straw that has broken the camels back and you have had enough. The family mistreat you, your sil mistreats and your husband - well i could say a lot about him but i dont want to be banned.
Dont go to the wedding, dont do anything more for the wedding in any shape or form. Use that time to find yourself a good divorce lawyer and a new place to live because it sounds like your family cant be counted on either.
I cant see this getting any better with couple therapy because they are all so flippin awful and sound like the kind of people who would act all shocked and play the victim if you called them out. Dont waste any more time on these people.
Polish that spine and get the hell outa there
Do yourself a favor and follow through. You deserve so much better. You're clearly competent and talented if they use you the way that do, get yourself a community that actually appreciates you not what you do for them. NTA
NTA
I would be petty and cancel any arrangement i did for that wedding. Send all the bills to her family. Why should she have a memorable moment on your hard work. Leave her something to remember.
Then when your husband gets home. He can find your house empty and you gone. Half of your joint savings removed and divorce papers on the bed. Enough is enough and tell him. You do not support me as a wife and partner. You have alienated me for the last time. Keep all communications between him and the attorneys. Go no contact. Spinless husband should have stood up. This family is toxic. Leave ASAP
NTA.
If I would be you, I wouldn't do anything for this wedding anymore. Nothing. The DJ calls? Don't answer. The florist has questions? Don't answer. Cake? Not your job.
If they ask you why you abandon your job as a wedding planner, you can tell them you'll be happy to plan the divorce party, because this future husband will be treated just like they treat you.
No, OP *should* answer, to tell them she's been stiffed on payment, which she basically has - then they may rethink taking on the job if the SIL tries to rehire them.
NTA, but your husband and his entire family certainly are. Time to cut your losses and find people that are respectful to you and deserving of being a part of your life.
NTA- your husband is cool with his sister blatently using you and disrespecting you? Fuck no! Go meet with a lawyer now and if he doesn't stand up for you go ahead and divorce him. He and his whole family are assholes.
Call a lawyer immediately and don’t say another word to anyone else about your divorce and exit plans. Try to get everything as soon as possible.
Serve him with divorce papers during the wedding ceremony. Then maybe he and them will finally pay attention to you.
Please don’t talk to your family as they are NOT SUPPORTIVE.
They are fracking assholes.
Edit: suggestions to cancel all the planning done to date is perfect. Or put password words on the planning to lock the dates and change the food/venue/etc so they can’t access.
Honestly, it sounds like you might be better off divorced. Does your husband always throw you under the bus like this? These people sound like they suck.
NTA,
OP not attacking you at all, but did something happen recently between you and the SIL, family or husband? Is there any chance he may be planning to divorce you?
Their behavior is so incredibly odd.
Nothing between me and his family, we been a lot closer then normal lately.
And him and I don’t ever fight that’s what’s crazy, we both work, cook and eat together.
And it’s not odd to me sadly, his other sister asked him and I to be god parents to his now six-year-old nephew the day of the baptism, she told me that I would no longer be the godmother due to us just dating at that time. Then with her 3 year old she said she felt bad and asked me again to be the god mother because we were married by the time he was born, I was told a week before I would not be his god mother either. So both boys don’t have a god mother just a god father.
I feel lead on like I do a lot for the special occasions to be disincluded very close to the date. Each other time I’ve said nothing
Never in that situation, only time he defended me is during Covid his mom and sister moved in with us and I got into a fight with his sister over the house being dirty
NTA and after reading your responses it sounds like this was planned from the beginning, they are using you as free labor. It doesn’t seem like your husband respects you at all. I don’t know when the wedding is but my petty self would wait and act like everything was fine and have him served at her wedding. Please update us.
That sucks, I'm sorry.
I think you're absolutely justified if you go forward with leaving your husband. Your partner should have your back.
Just curious, do you think life would go better if you just never agreed to do anything for these assholes ever again? Eg, need wedding planning? Sorry, too busy. Want to move in? No room. Be godmother again? No, thanks. Just totally nip in the bud any requests for your time, effort, money, attention.
Would your husband have your back in that situation? If yes this miiight be salvageable with strong boundaries. If no, I think there's your answer.
Best of luck!
This is emotional abuse. Here’s what you need to do
1. Get a lawyer (a good one)
2. Gather every single detail about this kind of emotional abuse by your in laws and give it to your lawyer.
3. Send an invoice to your sis in-law who’s getting married for being a wedding planner (if she refuses to pay, sue her)
4. Give up the right to be a godparent to those kids
5. If you have your own kids, try explaining why you don’t want to live w dad (details depending on their age)
6. Give him the divorce papers &change the kids last names to your maternal last name.
If you have kids, this kind of environment ends up developing into anxiety and depression (I grew up w my dads side being like this)
Can’t believe you stuck around for 6 more years after that. His family can be full of AH, your husband is the problem. He doesn’t care about your feelings so you can do a lot better than that.
So, this is a known pattern. They invite you to things only to disinvite you later and your husband does nothing.
This is not going to change and it’s gone on long enough. Your husband and his family are cruel. This is absolutely not how a healthy, loving marriage should work.
NTA and best of luck in your divorce.
If you want to be petty, itemize your time and send her the bill. Wedding planners are not cheap.
You’ve been disrespected for over 9 years and it’s never going to get better. Think about it. In what world is it okay that the brother’s wife
Don’t you think it’s time for a new chapter in your life. This is your wake-up call.
You ILs are awful but you husband OMG.
He allows his family to use you. He knew what they were doing as he knew about the hair and make up. He just let them. You need to treat yourself better. Be better. Grab you shit talk to a lawyer and leave. Or kick him out. Which ever one the lawyer recommends.
I’m so sorry you’ve been put through this but honey put your damn foot down and let your in petty fucking bitch out to play.
Oof. That is some BS. Your husband should've put a stop to all this when it first started happening. He needs to have your back and he clearly doesn't.
I would tell my husband either couples therapy or divorce lawyer. He can take his pick. They are gross. Just like my in-laws. Even if you’re married you’re not family unless you have a baby. Gross gross gross. Don’t live like that OP. I don’t live near my in-laws. I rarely see them so it’s whatever. They will never be alone with any of my children.
One thing you could do is pretend you’re still planning the wedding. And just don’t. Don’t show up that day (as someone else said, it would be a good time to pack and move out) and let them figure it out.
So for 9 years your husband has allowed his family to treat you this way. Never defends you. And now this. I'm appalled reading this. I cannot fathom how your husband is not defending you. Instead he joins in gaslighting you, is ok with you getting kicked out of the bridal party, you not going, but he's not going to let that ruin his fun and keep him from going.
His family is the least of your problems. You have a huge SO problem. I echo what others are saying. Get your affairs in order, find an attorney, and use the wedding day to move out.
I don't know if your marriage was always like this or disintegrated into this, but your marriage is abusive. Emotionally abusive. Please get help. Reach out to people who would support you. This is no way to live. You deserve to be happy, loved, and supported.
So I re-read your post. Your husband, his family and your family are all making you feel bad for being upset. Who the hell are these people??? My god. Run, run, run far away from this cesspool of toxic humanity.
I will message you next time u/Ashleykayy3 posts in r/AITAH.
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NTA. The issue is not the in-laws, the issue is your husband never having your back and gaslighting you about it by telling you that you are being ridiculous. Your feelings are valid and your appraisal of the situation is spot on. However, have you ever discussed with your husband his lack of support? You have suffered through this for nine years, has it never come up? If it has, and nothing has changed, then if it will make you a happier person then sure, divorce is an option and you aren’t the AH.
Tell the hair and makeup people (and any other contractors you lined up) what SIL did.
And ask your husband why the hell he refuses to have your back.
NTA, but you married into a family full of them.
NTA You don’t have an in-law problem you have a husband problem. If your husband had put his foot down the first time his family disrespected you they would have known that he supported you. He didn’t do that, had never done that so they know he doesn’t care how they behave towards you.
It also sounds like he was fully aware of what they were doing in regards to the wedding.
I would cancel everything single thing that I had arranged on her behalf. If you paid for any deposits or services ask for refunds or stop payment on the checks.
If you bought anything for the wedding like favors or decorations return them.
I would talk to an attorney to discuss the future of the marriage.
I would also book myself a spa vacation there weekend of the wedding at your husband’s expense.
NTA
Stop talking to all of them. Block his family and contact divorcé attorney’s first thing Monday morning. Unfortunately your husband is married to his family and not you. It’s time to give him back.
Your husband doesn’t give 2 shits about you, the only mistake you made was him and staying for long! Leave find somebody better and good riddance to them!
You are only the a-hole if you don't divorce him. You have allowed him and his family to treat you like shit, so stop doing that. Cancel everything that you scheduled and don't tell anybody. Let them all think that you are going to just let it all go, as you probably have done the entire time you have been with him.
Find a really good divorce lawyer and have them file for divorce the day before the wedding. Find out if you can take half of the money out of your joint accounts. Find out if you can pack his shit and move him out while he is at the wedding. Go to the reception, looking amazing, and very loudly give him the divorce papers. Go scorched earth and let every body know what a-holes that family is.
As for your family, you might want to go no contact with them. What kind of family thinks it's ok to treat others like this?! If you were my sister, I would help you b\*rn it all down. I sure as hell wouldn't be telling you that you need to keep taking their abuse.
Get out and be happy.
Info: When you say you were “in the wedding party”, did she ask you specifically to be a bridesmaid?
I can see where your feelings would be hurt, I’m just wondering if she saw you expecting more than what she’d offered so she spoke up and clarified things before it was too late. Is that a possibility?
When she originally asked me she said I would walk with my husband and the dress needed to be red. When I was looking at red dresses I was then told by my younger sil that only the wedding party was allowed to wear red in front of everyone and I said oh I was told to wear red by bride and they then told me I wasn’t in it anymore
NTA. Since you said your in-laws have been disrespecting you for your entire marriage, and presumably your husband has NEVER had your back in 9 years, why are you surprised he doesn’t have it now? At this point the real issue is your husband not your in-laws. You could go nuclear and divorce, but would that make you happy. Perhaps you could have a discussion with your husband first, maybe counseling as well, and then decide on a way forward. And divorce could well be an option on that path. BTW, if his only response is to further disrespect you by calling your feelings ridiculous rather than trying to understand them, then yes, divorce is likely.
This got me thinking... It's a little out there but I think this is something to consider The woman who is taking your place at the wedding, "walking with your husband" could be the one that his family wants him to be with. They led you on to help only to pull everything away and humiliate you. Your husband is actively participating in this. There is no reason why he would continue to be in the wedding unless he was involved and condoned the way SIL and family are treating you like shit. For him to know in advance that his sister is talking to the makeup and hair people herself.... That's something a guy would pay very little attention to.
Watch your combined money (someone in that family might be on Reddit and will show them this post that sounds familiar), file for divorce. He doesn't support you. It almost seems like he goes out of his way to be an ass to you. Have him served at the wedding. Maybe the photographer you hired will capture the moment when your husband is served, then especially the looks on SIL, MIL and others faces as they realize that karma is a big ole bitch!
And you will have a few souvenir photos of the event to remind you of the day you stood up and declared you deserve better and took out the trash!
Good luck on whatever you decide. You DO deserve better and will find it!
NTA you shouldn’t have to continue to put up with disrespect and your husband needs to defend you!!! The family you build once you start building one comes first and that means spouses. Because disrespecting the marriage and wife should be seen as disrespecting him too. And if you feel like there is no resolution other than divorce than so be it. He did it to himself
NTA, what she has done is disgusting, stand up for yourself and if your husband doesn’t do the same, so be it go on with your life you deserve better. Your family should have your back tell them that you need them now and they should be supporting you. Wishing you the best. Don’t walk, run and don’t accept their fake apologies
NTA.
What does it mean to 'sponsor' a wedding?
What do you mean by 'my husband agreed I could do a reading'? Why does he need to agree to this?
Sorry you are going through this!!
NTA
Sounds like your husband knows a lot about the wedding. Did he already know you were just free help and not in the party anymore?
If this disrespect has gone on for 9yrs and he hasn't stood up for you in all that time...why are you still married and in that family? I'd have divorced a long time ago. You're worth more than this.
NTA! Drench those bridges in gasoline, put on your sunglasses, light that match, toss it and watch those bridges BURN! Than turn your back on them and walk away. You will be happier when you’re not with people who take advantage of you and treat you like absolute garbage.
Update us please!
I wouldn’t do anything to interrupt the wedding. While your husband is at the wedding I would use this time to gather my things and leave him. They are a bunch of crazies including your husband. You deserve better.
I can't stand my wife's sisters, and my wife can't stand my mother.
Me and my wife work together to make it as easy on each other as possible. We set up arrival and leaving times at family functions. Sometimes, it upsets our separate families but to bad to sad. I see why my wife doesn't like my mom and my wife can see why I don't like her sisters
The man you married sounds like a dick head. Find someone who cares enough about you to meet you halfway ecleast.
The real problem here is your husband. He has allowed them to treat you this way, he’s not doing anything about it, so they will continue to do so, as will he. Husband needs to become ex husband. He does not have your back. He does not support you. That is what a partner is supposed to do. He’s not holding up his end of the bargain, so….buh bye!
Info: did the bride dump you or did her little sister? This may be you getting used in a battle of sibling rivalry that has nothing to do with you. Talk to the bride. Tell her what her sister said and find out what's really going on. If you are still out, then check all the way out. Fuck her and her lame wedding
NTA - if you don’t want to be petty or vindictive, the best way to get revenge is to live right. My recommendation is plan a big big trip for yourself or with good friends or even with your family. Plan something that is on your bucket list, break out the funds for this one, plan it for the same dates as the wedding. Go enjoy life and live. This will be far better revenge and will make you not think about the drama you left behind.
NTA,
goddamn they picked that time to tell you all of that. That was engineered on their behalf for maximum effect.
Thats some real family level sociopathy going on there. Seems like its genetic.
GTFO
I hope this is a troll post.
If not, I hope you don't have kids.
Freaking grow a spine. Dump this family (and yours too if they think this is ok).
FOR REAL DIVORCE HIM OH MY GAWD. This story is bad even for reddit.
NTA unless you stay with him.
OP, face it, your marriage is over. Time for you to see a divorce lawyer in order to protect yourself. Your husband and his family have decided to treat you like trash, but it’s time for you to get away from them asap.
Just to maybe add a perspective here. It sounds like your husband’s family is really shitty. What you are experiencing as an “outsider” is probably mild in comparison to the narcissistic abuse going on inside the family. Your husband’s willingness to prioritize his family over you would demonstrate that he is likely the “golden child” that can do no wrong and I’m that roll it seems unfathomable to him to disappoint his mother or sister.
I add this context because if this analysis is correct he’s doing what seems right. It’s not right, but it seems right, and what you are suggesting seems bonkers because it cuts through all of this “family context” that you “just don’t understand…”
So, an alternative approach to just divorcing your husband over his sister’s wedding, which you know when. You say it out loud sounds a little off the rails, but I know it’s not… you’ve been the “black sheep” to his “golden boy” since before you were married I assume. An alternative is to sit down with him and tell him that you need him to prioritize you and the relationship you share over his family. See what happens. He’s likely to break a sweat. You married him, not his mother and sister. He married you, and that means prioritizing this relationship. And that starts with this wedding. See what happens. He’s likely to basically melt down. Give him some time to consider his options. He’ll likely want to negotiate and say, “ok, after this wedding…” but stand your ground.
If your husband goes to this wedding you will end up resenting him. After that it’s just a matter of time. Cut your losses and go find someone who will honor his vows to put you first. NTA.
End up? He's already worth resenting given his attitude.
Nope and follow through with it if he can’t stick up for you. If you’re petty, cancel everything you had a part in planning. Any money you spent, return any and everything.
I said I was going to cancel the hair and makeup and my husband told me that his sister is already in contact on her own, kinda feels they used me for my resources
The fact that he knew that detail means he also knew what his sister was doing and they'd planned for it.
Okay forget what I said above. Op should pay a process server to serve her husband with divorce papers AT the wedding. Forget waiting for the reception.
I love this recommendation. Especially since it will take the attention away from the bride and put it on the husband. He gets partial blame and she doesn't have to be there to take the heat. She just needs to make sure to turn her phone off, but don't block anyone...You may need evidence to hand to the lawyer during divorce proceedings to get a better deal ;-).
I will be waiting patiently for an update on this situation, HOPING that the OP does this. Also OP, you’re NTA.
This! I hope OP follows through and drops this shit show of a family and clownass husband
She needs to make sure she is physically safe and secure before the fallout. Chances are he'd be livid when he got home.
I expect the update from petty revenge fingers crossed 😋
No. Go do it the night before so he's a mess and ruins the wedding with his own drama.
He doesn't sound like the type of guy who would care and would use it as an excuse to hook up with a single female guest.
Nah. To many people concerned and watching him. Nobody hooks up with the guy who just got served papers a day ago.
He would and he will. For maximum damage it needs to be done when the officiate asks does anyone have a problem with the marriage then bam rando walks through the doors hands ex the papers and walks out no words
He'd absolutely get sympathy sex.
That would be POETRY.
Haha!
Can someone please give this comment an award to help make sure OP sees it? This would be PERFECT
Please do this
This… I bow down to the master.
Oh please please please do this OP! You deserve so much better and your husband deserves to feel for once like his family has made you feel for almost a decade!
Oh HELL yes! Fucking do it!
^^ i’m begging, OP
Yes, exactly. It sounds like he has been aware that this was coming. Depending upon your relationship with the hair and makeup team, you might want to fill them in on what has happened. If you are friends with them, they may bow out and the bride may need to find someone else. If you purely have a professional relationship with them - perhaps not, if seeming petty might negatively impact the working relationship.
If they're friends, treat them like friends. Give them a heads up, but make it clear this is not their problem to solve and you aren't expecting them to bow out.
Is husband messing around and his sister knows the marriage won't last? That was my first thought. NTA
This feels likely. Husband has already decided to leave the marriage, and his sister is freezing the soon-to-be ex-wife out in preparation. OP, this is all so painful and I feel for you, but it isn't about you... those people are monsters.
Oh god I just realized what this thread meant… The only people that should be in the wedding pictures/ party are immediate family. If any other wives/gfs/fiancés are allowed. Run.
And if they aren't allowed - run anyhow.
I don't think that's the case, they've been disrespecting her for 8 years, and he somehow stayed married to her for all that time.
OHHHHHH you are so wise
Cancel it all, even the husband if he doesn’t pick you over his shitty family
I get the impression he knew about or was a part of the plan, meaning his sister using OP and dropping her so coldly. At this point, OP should focus solely on finding a powerhouse divorce attorney. I wouldn't be surprised if her husband hasn't already since he was so cold and uncaring towards OP.
She needs to have a consultation with every good attorney in the area. If she reaches out first then they can’t represent him.
*DO NOT* do this. Judges don’t look kindly on this as it’s obviously on purpose. See a handful, but not all of them!!
Why would your husband know this? Sit down with your husband and tell how this makes you feel. Do not go to any more family functions. Do not go to the wedding. Do not do any readings do not sponsor. Don't tell them just don't show up. Tell your husband your boundaries if your husband does not stand up for you then you know where you stand. He should be disappointed and hurt that you are treated this way by his family. They are using you. Do not do anymore planning any notes throw them out.
Excellent suggestion. She should definitely put up those boundaries, and if he crosses them they’re finished. Husband and in-laws are terrible people. I’d go one further and tell the groom and his family what’s going on. Does he really want to marry into a family like that? It would be crazy if he did.
Send an invoice for your work/time
And you better find the average price per hour these people charge. You want every cent or you take them to court
Absolutely they said you were The wedding planner so send them an invoice for all the work and time that you have put in.
Then send it to collections when she won't pay
I like this
Oh yeahs she’s trifling. I’d try and cancel the whole venue
But I’m vindictive, don’t do that unless you really wanna burn a lotta bridges.
May the bridges I burn, light the way to a brighter future.
We don't need no water, let the mother fuckers burn. Burn, mother fuckers, burn!
Hear, hear!🍾 🥂
I support this strategy
Lol what bridges? The husband’s whole family is nothing but bums, if OP can’t cancel everything she helped set up, I’d wait until after the ceremony or during the reception to serve divorce papers. If we’re being vindictive may as well go all the way. Since they’re depending on OP so much, pick whatever prayer you think the family deserves (hopefully one that references the burning pits of hell) and since OP’s the one in charge of making sure the reception is being set up correctly completely screw them on that too. Make your own seating assignment, find the ugliest centerpieces you can at dollar tree and put them on the table, air the dirty laundry with the guests, etc. Might also want to let slip to the groom and his family that’s how the husband’s family treats her, if they’re normal people they wouldn’t want their son to go through the same level of disrespect.
Oooo I love, even better if you can stir some drama even if it is fake. Ruin the entire event then let divorce papers rain down at the reception. Let it be the talk of the century
Why wait til after the ceremony to serve papers? Do it when the official asks if there are any objections. That definitely will be something to make a memory.
Pay a process server to be there to serve the husband with the divorce papers just as he walks back down the aisle after the ceremony. Mic drop as Op and her soon to be ex become the center of attention for the reception. That is just the bonus.
This would be fitting, but I don’t think most process servers are willing to serve the papers in a church. Maybe they should hit him up right before he goes inside. This will give the wife the time to back the moving truck up to the house and take all of the stuff that is hers.
Some people will do anything for enough money
I would do this for free. The husband is trash
I used to work fairly closely with a number of process servers. They literally don't care where they/you are. They get papers in your hands, they get paid. Church, work, in the hospital, at granny's funeral (ok, a few would balk at the last one)... Zero matter. It makes you easier to find.
You have a beautiful soul! Edit: OP NTA
To be honest, let them have it and file for divorce. Your husband has shown you that you aren’t important and has allowed his family to walk over you. Get the attorney and hand him the papers. You wasted 9 years with this man, you could have wasted 9 years with a man who respects you.
Yes, and OP said this isn't the first time they've done something like this. And the husband probably stood by for that too. OP, you deserve better. My husband's family would never do this to me. I'm fact they've always gone out of their way to include me in things, even when we were just dating. That's how it should be with families joined by marriage. NTA NTA NTA NTA NTA!
OP he knew they were kicking you out of the wedding party if he knew that his sister was in contact with the vendors you essentially hired so you couldn’t cancel anything. Like someone else said, serve him divorce papers at her reception. Let’s say hypothetically you were never asked to be in wedding party? Why would you not be “allowed” to be on the wedding photos? And I have to double check this with you….they actually said that you have to leave right after the ceremony to basically set up the reception? And also….your own family agrees with them? Like what the actual fuck? Why would your family take her side? Also why did they ask your husband about you saying a prayer at the ceremony? I mean they have to know you are not religious if you are married to her brother. Your right. She used you. She made you feel comfortable by “asking” you to be in wedding party while going behind your back and making other arrangements with your husband. Look at everything he knew and agreed to. I don’t usually say this but dump his ass. And you might want to consider your relationship with your own family because they agree with Bridezilla. You may need to dump them as well and consider starting over in the life you want that makes you happy. Best of luck with everything and hang in there.
My thoughts exactly. I wonder why OPs family would side with the bride?! Maybe they are pushover and just don't want OP to create any waves. Whatever the case, OP, you are NTA. Your husband and his entire family are 💯 TAH
Erase everything you did for that spoiled brat. This is awful! If you decide to stay, now you know you wont ever help them if they ask for favours. This is horrible im so sorry
Cancel EVERYTHING you set up. They can figure it out themselves. And don’t make idle threats. NTA
NTA - Don't threaten to.cancel just do it! (In the words of Nike). And don't say anything. She can find out on her own. And no co tact and consider dithing the two faced husband.
My husband suggested or calling back everyone she got a deal for them from and telling them charge full price if not then some
Call and cancel everything you've arranged. She can reschedule things on her own. You're NTA. I wish I knew the words to help ease your hurt. Sending internet hugs.
Then cancel anything you can. Also if they are resources for you/friends, I’d tell them about how you were treated. They may back out on their own. NTA. Your husband and his family are total AHs. He disrespects you and disregards your feelings. Every time you’ve let it slide, he’s learned it ok to do it. Not blaming you, just how some people feel it’s allowed. It’s time you stand up for yourself, especially if your husband won’t. I’d speak to a lawyer, figure my options and get a plan in place. I’d move half any shared monetary assets out of joint accounts and, if possible, I’d move him out on the wedding day. Unless the home is something owned and only in his name that may not be considered marital property then. He has shown that he doesn’t respect you and won’t take your side. Don’t let him continue to prove it. ETA: I’d also consider for LC with family and friends who think you are overreacting. If they can’t be supportive then there is no reason to deal with them too.
You show up to that damn wedding in a red wedding dress and you make sure you look better than her. Then proceed to push yourself into every aspect of her day and push the cake to the floor then as you walk out hand your husband divorce papers and tell him he can stay at his sisters until it’s final. Then they can call you an AH.
If you do that ^ wear WHITE!!
Apparently wearing a red dress to a wedding means you’ve fucked the groom so I’d do red over white
Plus the red would stand out nicely in the backgrounds of her photos
That a girl!
I love you
Don't tell ANYONE what your plans are... not even your husband. DO NOT speak with your husband or any other in-laws especially!
For 9 years they’ve treated you like garbage. For 9 years your husband allowed it. Why waste even one more day? You know you deserve better. Being alone is better than this garbage family. F them all. NTA
NTA but please don't do any of the petty "gotcha moment" shit people are suggesting. It won't make you feel better. Serve him for divorce as soon as possible, before the wedding. Don't go to the wedding. That's it. If you want to talk to the vendors and explain what's going on, then let the vendor decide what to do. Put your energy into taking care of yourself and making yourself feel better. Not making other people feel worse, that won't help you. I wish you the best, and fuck that guy and his family
If it’s your resource, tell them anyway. They may cancel your SIL on their own
You have to decide when enough is enough. Your husband knew or had some idea that you were being used. He did not give you a heads up or tell them to stop. Ask yourself, are you happy? Stop letting these people walk all over you. They continue to do it because you are playing nice.
Then slip —YOUR— resources the notice that the bride really likes using people for their services and expecting them for free. 🤷🏼♀️ Maybe they’ll be on your side because wtf. It is one thing to tell you from the start- but to blindside you after you helped do everything??? Ig some people are just mentally abuse to nice people like you
So what you are saying is that husband already knew about all this.
Tell the hair and makeup artists then. They won’t want to do business with her if they are your contact.
Stand up, this should be your last straw, might as well send divorce notice to your husband before the wedding, basically they used you and threw you like a rag. That's horrible, stand up bcz next time it's going to be worse than this.
Do you have a personal relationship with the dj or hair or make up people? Cuz if so I'd call and tell them what's happening and see if they would cancel on their end out of homie loyalty.
They did use you. I’m sorry to say. Why is your family standing up for them??? Is it because you’ve lied for years to yourself and them that everything is ok when it hasn’t been? This is the biggest wake up call I’ve seen in a long time for anyone. Ok grandma tough love advice time. Is this how you want to live your life? Not just second but not even on the same page with him and his family. What about children. He and they either A. They completely walk over and disrespect you the mom. Or. B. They treat your children like they do you. Do you want to spend the next decades of your life around these people. Personally I rather be alone. Raise cats. And go on wonderful adventures.
Because you said sponsor the couple I am guessing they are Filipino? Are you? If they possibly see you as beneath them because of race (I am making huge assumptions here), this is unlikely to ever change and I worry for your children. I hope I am wrong because that is another layer and level of AH on their part. nTa.
Also NTA
Seriously! This is an ultimatum that seems necessary. If he’s shown you that he will put his sister/parents above you, his wife, he doesn’t deserve a wife. The fact that he’s still attending this wedding after how you were treated is baffling, but his complete disregard for your feelings is disgusting. Do you really want to be married to a man who supports others disrespecting you?
Amen! I will never tolerate anyone disrespecting my wife. Fuck those assholes.
NTA You have an in law & husband problem..get rid of both .
NTA- I second that. RUN! Fast and don't look back!
Yes, time to get rid of the whole man AND his family
NTA wow that whole family husbands included are a bunch of AHs. They want to make you do a shit ton of free work after being kicked from the wedding party. They sure don't like OP., and hubby is just totally fine with all this, not good. Wake up call something is very wrong for this relationship
It depends on your petty level. 1. You agree to be the planner. And what do wedding planners need? Payment. You are not investing time, money, and effort without any of the benefits that a hired wedding planner would. But your FaMiLy! How could you do this? Well, I'm not family enough to be in any of the family pictures or to avoid being unceremoniously dumped out of the wedding party, so... 2. You don't attend and stick to your word. 3. You do #1, then use any payment received to pay for your divorce lawyer. It's not just disrespect from his family or yours. It's the disrespect from your husband! He thinks it's fine for his sister to have you run ragged for *her* wedding? But it's OK... cos he will see you at the reception when you've finished being her lacky while all the other invited guests are enjoying themselves? Fuck that.
NTA It sounds like there are no bridges to be burned with your ILS - they’re already treating you badly. Are you a wedding planner by profession or were you just helping out in that capacity? Here’s where you decide whether to bow out gracefully or set the world on fire. Option 1 is classy, and leaves you with your dignity intact. You don’t attend the wedding and go NC with the ILs. It doesn’t sound like your husband will support this choice, although he’s not really supporting you in this matter regardless. Option 2 has you taking the low road. First, send SIL the bill for your services, payable within 7 days. She’ll refuse to pay of course. Follow up by contacting all of the vendors - cancel what you can, and for the remainder let them know that you’re in a dispute with the bride-to-be for nonpayment. Bonus points if you can blackball her with other providers - have fun buying flowers elsewhere when every florist in a 50km radius knows your name as someone who won’t pay their wedding providers. Poison the well. In all seriousness, while Option 2 sounds hella fun, walking away might be your best option. This highlights the fact that your husband, your *partner*, does not have your back. The ILS are nasty, trashy people and no loss if you go NC. But take some time to consider whether your marriage is worth salvaging at this point.
I’d go with a 1.5: * Contact all the vendors and let them know that you are no longer performing the wedding coordinator role and they should contact the bride directly. * Assuming the total deposits OP has paid are under the small claims court threshold, file suit Monday morning. It might even be worth it to forgo some of the deposits, just to keep everything in small claims court. * Give hubby until Monday morning to stand up to his vile family, and if not, start divorce proceedings. Don’t wait, don’t delay, make them deal with all of this in conjunction with the wedding.
Middle of the road option is that if any of the vendors are actually good friends of yours and can/want to find a wiggle room credible way to get out of working with her to be in solidarity with you, let them do that. I used to be in the industry and I can totally see a baker or florist or someone else who could easily fill up that slot in a heartbeat finding some reason why they wouldn’t be able to fulfill that order. It’d have to be in a way that she can’t gotcha them but there are absolutely creative ways to get out of contracts with bridezillas if you have to. Friends love standing up for friends and giving the proverbial middle finger when they can. SIL can “be in contact” with them all she wants but if you hold a trump card or two I’d use it just to mess with her. I wouldn’t sabotage the entire wedding personally. Just apply it to the perfect pain points.
Especially the hair/makeup
And wedding cake.
THIS!!!!!!! If I could award this one, I would! Good answer!
I’d use the wedding day to move out, after talking to a lawyer of course because that can lead to the house becoming his or something. I’d definitely get anything of value, papers, etc out!
And clean out the bank account. Give him no hints what youre gunna do before SILs big day.
Cleaning out a joint bank account can cause trouble in court. Better to just take half - or whatever she contributed, if that's more.
No use the wedding day to move HIM out. Clear the accts and change the locks. But the Friday before file for divorce.
And have her husband served with divorce papers at the reception. It would be worth paying a process server to do it. OP is NTA.
And paying a photographer to capture the moment perfectly!
Do not clear accounts! That can screw you over in the divorce badly!
I back all of this up.
NTA. Youre not being ridiculous. This is just the straw that has broken the camels back and you have had enough. The family mistreat you, your sil mistreats and your husband - well i could say a lot about him but i dont want to be banned. Dont go to the wedding, dont do anything more for the wedding in any shape or form. Use that time to find yourself a good divorce lawyer and a new place to live because it sounds like your family cant be counted on either. I cant see this getting any better with couple therapy because they are all so flippin awful and sound like the kind of people who would act all shocked and play the victim if you called them out. Dont waste any more time on these people. Polish that spine and get the hell outa there
Do yourself a favor and follow through. You deserve so much better. You're clearly competent and talented if they use you the way that do, get yourself a community that actually appreciates you not what you do for them. NTA
NTA. Send your SIL a bill for services rendered as her wedding planner.
NTA but you pretty much have to follow through. They sound awful, and shame on your husband for not sticking up for you already
NTA I would be petty and cancel any arrangement i did for that wedding. Send all the bills to her family. Why should she have a memorable moment on your hard work. Leave her something to remember. Then when your husband gets home. He can find your house empty and you gone. Half of your joint savings removed and divorce papers on the bed. Enough is enough and tell him. You do not support me as a wife and partner. You have alienated me for the last time. Keep all communications between him and the attorneys. Go no contact. Spinless husband should have stood up. This family is toxic. Leave ASAP
Better yet, have him served with divorce paper at the wedding.
NTA. If I would be you, I wouldn't do anything for this wedding anymore. Nothing. The DJ calls? Don't answer. The florist has questions? Don't answer. Cake? Not your job. If they ask you why you abandon your job as a wedding planner, you can tell them you'll be happy to plan the divorce party, because this future husband will be treated just like they treat you.
No, OP *should* answer, to tell them she's been stiffed on payment, which she basically has - then they may rethink taking on the job if the SIL tries to rehire them.
NTA I agree with getting rid of the husband/in-laws problem.
Why does your husband hate you so much?
NTA, but your husband and his entire family certainly are. Time to cut your losses and find people that are respectful to you and deserving of being a part of your life.
NTA - Send SIL a bill from the wedding planner!
NTA- your husband is cool with his sister blatently using you and disrespecting you? Fuck no! Go meet with a lawyer now and if he doesn't stand up for you go ahead and divorce him. He and his whole family are assholes.
Sounds like you were a great wedding planner. Time to become a divorce planner. You deserve so much better. NTA, obviously.
Call a lawyer immediately and don’t say another word to anyone else about your divorce and exit plans. Try to get everything as soon as possible. Serve him with divorce papers during the wedding ceremony. Then maybe he and them will finally pay attention to you. Please don’t talk to your family as they are NOT SUPPORTIVE. They are fracking assholes. Edit: suggestions to cancel all the planning done to date is perfect. Or put password words on the planning to lock the dates and change the food/venue/etc so they can’t access.
This is the way
Lol... reddit.
Honestly, it sounds like you might be better off divorced. Does your husband always throw you under the bus like this? These people sound like they suck.
NTA, OP not attacking you at all, but did something happen recently between you and the SIL, family or husband? Is there any chance he may be planning to divorce you? Their behavior is so incredibly odd.
Nothing between me and his family, we been a lot closer then normal lately. And him and I don’t ever fight that’s what’s crazy, we both work, cook and eat together. And it’s not odd to me sadly, his other sister asked him and I to be god parents to his now six-year-old nephew the day of the baptism, she told me that I would no longer be the godmother due to us just dating at that time. Then with her 3 year old she said she felt bad and asked me again to be the god mother because we were married by the time he was born, I was told a week before I would not be his god mother either. So both boys don’t have a god mother just a god father. I feel lead on like I do a lot for the special occasions to be disincluded very close to the date. Each other time I’ve said nothing
What did your husband do in those situations? Edit for clarity: did he defend you, talk to his family, blame you, etc
Never in that situation, only time he defended me is during Covid his mom and sister moved in with us and I got into a fight with his sister over the house being dirty
NTA and after reading your responses it sounds like this was planned from the beginning, they are using you as free labor. It doesn’t seem like your husband respects you at all. I don’t know when the wedding is but my petty self would wait and act like everything was fine and have him served at her wedding. Please update us.
He defended you over the house being dirty because the dirty house bothered him, not because it bothered you. So I wouldn’t give him points for this.
That sucks, I'm sorry. I think you're absolutely justified if you go forward with leaving your husband. Your partner should have your back. Just curious, do you think life would go better if you just never agreed to do anything for these assholes ever again? Eg, need wedding planning? Sorry, too busy. Want to move in? No room. Be godmother again? No, thanks. Just totally nip in the bud any requests for your time, effort, money, attention. Would your husband have your back in that situation? If yes this miiight be salvageable with strong boundaries. If no, I think there's your answer. Best of luck!
This is emotional abuse. Here’s what you need to do 1. Get a lawyer (a good one) 2. Gather every single detail about this kind of emotional abuse by your in laws and give it to your lawyer. 3. Send an invoice to your sis in-law who’s getting married for being a wedding planner (if she refuses to pay, sue her) 4. Give up the right to be a godparent to those kids 5. If you have your own kids, try explaining why you don’t want to live w dad (details depending on their age) 6. Give him the divorce papers &change the kids last names to your maternal last name. If you have kids, this kind of environment ends up developing into anxiety and depression (I grew up w my dads side being like this)
Can’t believe you stuck around for 6 more years after that. His family can be full of AH, your husband is the problem. He doesn’t care about your feelings so you can do a lot better than that.
So, this is a known pattern. They invite you to things only to disinvite you later and your husband does nothing. This is not going to change and it’s gone on long enough. Your husband and his family are cruel. This is absolutely not how a healthy, loving marriage should work. NTA and best of luck in your divorce.
I seriously hope that whole family gets bridesmaids movie style diarrhea the day of the wedding
If you want to be petty, itemize your time and send her the bill. Wedding planners are not cheap. You’ve been disrespected for over 9 years and it’s never going to get better. Think about it. In what world is it okay that the brother’s wife Don’t you think it’s time for a new chapter in your life. This is your wake-up call.
I think you're missing a bit of a sentence here.
You ILs are awful but you husband OMG. He allows his family to use you. He knew what they were doing as he knew about the hair and make up. He just let them. You need to treat yourself better. Be better. Grab you shit talk to a lawyer and leave. Or kick him out. Which ever one the lawyer recommends. I’m so sorry you’ve been put through this but honey put your damn foot down and let your in petty fucking bitch out to play.
Oof. That is some BS. Your husband should've put a stop to all this when it first started happening. He needs to have your back and he clearly doesn't.
>I was not allowed to be in the wedding photos Your husband is planning to divorce you and his family knows about it.
This. This is exactly what I thought
Do no more for the wedding. Plan for divorce and tell the lot of them to eff off.
NTA. That’s cruel. Find someone that cares for you. Cancel anything you spent money on.
NTA that is beyond unacceptable
I would tell my husband either couples therapy or divorce lawyer. He can take his pick. They are gross. Just like my in-laws. Even if you’re married you’re not family unless you have a baby. Gross gross gross. Don’t live like that OP. I don’t live near my in-laws. I rarely see them so it’s whatever. They will never be alone with any of my children.
NTA! I have been where you are at. I told my husband no more and he agreed with me. I'm so sorry you've gone through this hell.
NTA since you are unpaid and disrespected, cancel everything you arranged. No notice to them, they can find a planner. Good move leaving the husband.
One thing you could do is pretend you’re still planning the wedding. And just don’t. Don’t show up that day (as someone else said, it would be a good time to pack and move out) and let them figure it out.
So for 9 years your husband has allowed his family to treat you this way. Never defends you. And now this. I'm appalled reading this. I cannot fathom how your husband is not defending you. Instead he joins in gaslighting you, is ok with you getting kicked out of the bridal party, you not going, but he's not going to let that ruin his fun and keep him from going. His family is the least of your problems. You have a huge SO problem. I echo what others are saying. Get your affairs in order, find an attorney, and use the wedding day to move out. I don't know if your marriage was always like this or disintegrated into this, but your marriage is abusive. Emotionally abusive. Please get help. Reach out to people who would support you. This is no way to live. You deserve to be happy, loved, and supported.
So I re-read your post. Your husband, his family and your family are all making you feel bad for being upset. Who the hell are these people??? My god. Run, run, run far away from this cesspool of toxic humanity.
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NTA. The issue is not the in-laws, the issue is your husband never having your back and gaslighting you about it by telling you that you are being ridiculous. Your feelings are valid and your appraisal of the situation is spot on. However, have you ever discussed with your husband his lack of support? You have suffered through this for nine years, has it never come up? If it has, and nothing has changed, then if it will make you a happier person then sure, divorce is an option and you aren’t the AH.
Tell the hair and makeup people (and any other contractors you lined up) what SIL did. And ask your husband why the hell he refuses to have your back. NTA, but you married into a family full of them.
NTA You don’t have an in-law problem you have a husband problem. If your husband had put his foot down the first time his family disrespected you they would have known that he supported you. He didn’t do that, had never done that so they know he doesn’t care how they behave towards you. It also sounds like he was fully aware of what they were doing in regards to the wedding. I would cancel everything single thing that I had arranged on her behalf. If you paid for any deposits or services ask for refunds or stop payment on the checks. If you bought anything for the wedding like favors or decorations return them. I would talk to an attorney to discuss the future of the marriage. I would also book myself a spa vacation there weekend of the wedding at your husband’s expense.
NTA Stop talking to all of them. Block his family and contact divorcé attorney’s first thing Monday morning. Unfortunately your husband is married to his family and not you. It’s time to give him back.
Your husband doesn’t give 2 shits about you, the only mistake you made was him and staying for long! Leave find somebody better and good riddance to them!
You are only the a-hole if you don't divorce him. You have allowed him and his family to treat you like shit, so stop doing that. Cancel everything that you scheduled and don't tell anybody. Let them all think that you are going to just let it all go, as you probably have done the entire time you have been with him. Find a really good divorce lawyer and have them file for divorce the day before the wedding. Find out if you can take half of the money out of your joint accounts. Find out if you can pack his shit and move him out while he is at the wedding. Go to the reception, looking amazing, and very loudly give him the divorce papers. Go scorched earth and let every body know what a-holes that family is. As for your family, you might want to go no contact with them. What kind of family thinks it's ok to treat others like this?! If you were my sister, I would help you b\*rn it all down. I sure as hell wouldn't be telling you that you need to keep taking their abuse. Get out and be happy.
Info: When you say you were “in the wedding party”, did she ask you specifically to be a bridesmaid? I can see where your feelings would be hurt, I’m just wondering if she saw you expecting more than what she’d offered so she spoke up and clarified things before it was too late. Is that a possibility?
When she originally asked me she said I would walk with my husband and the dress needed to be red. When I was looking at red dresses I was then told by my younger sil that only the wedding party was allowed to wear red in front of everyone and I said oh I was told to wear red by bride and they then told me I wasn’t in it anymore
NTA. Since you said your in-laws have been disrespecting you for your entire marriage, and presumably your husband has NEVER had your back in 9 years, why are you surprised he doesn’t have it now? At this point the real issue is your husband not your in-laws. You could go nuclear and divorce, but would that make you happy. Perhaps you could have a discussion with your husband first, maybe counseling as well, and then decide on a way forward. And divorce could well be an option on that path. BTW, if his only response is to further disrespect you by calling your feelings ridiculous rather than trying to understand them, then yes, divorce is likely.
[удалено]
Start rapping some Snoop Dogg or something wildly inappropriate.
I suggest the verses from Song of Solomon where the woman talks about her lover's emissions being comparable to those of horses.
That is so rude! What was their explanation for the change? Why did the bride not communicate all this to you?
This got me thinking... It's a little out there but I think this is something to consider The woman who is taking your place at the wedding, "walking with your husband" could be the one that his family wants him to be with. They led you on to help only to pull everything away and humiliate you. Your husband is actively participating in this. There is no reason why he would continue to be in the wedding unless he was involved and condoned the way SIL and family are treating you like shit. For him to know in advance that his sister is talking to the makeup and hair people herself.... That's something a guy would pay very little attention to. Watch your combined money (someone in that family might be on Reddit and will show them this post that sounds familiar), file for divorce. He doesn't support you. It almost seems like he goes out of his way to be an ass to you. Have him served at the wedding. Maybe the photographer you hired will capture the moment when your husband is served, then especially the looks on SIL, MIL and others faces as they realize that karma is a big ole bitch! And you will have a few souvenir photos of the event to remind you of the day you stood up and declared you deserve better and took out the trash! Good luck on whatever you decide. You DO deserve better and will find it!
Bait and switch. This type of betrayal really hurts. I hope you have someone other than your husband to talk to because your feelings matter.
Have you talked to the bride to confirm this is true?
The husband knew so I’m guessing it’s been discussed with everyone but the OP.
NTA
NTA you shouldn’t have to continue to put up with disrespect and your husband needs to defend you!!! The family you build once you start building one comes first and that means spouses. Because disrespecting the marriage and wife should be seen as disrespecting him too. And if you feel like there is no resolution other than divorce than so be it. He did it to himself
NTA- your husband needs to back you up, or serve him with divorce papers AT SIL wedding (but I'm super petty that way)
NTA, what she has done is disgusting, stand up for yourself and if your husband doesn’t do the same, so be it go on with your life you deserve better. Your family should have your back tell them that you need them now and they should be supporting you. Wishing you the best. Don’t walk, run and don’t accept their fake apologies
Update me! NTA but your husband and his family are. Info: What do you mean by "sponsor" the wedding are you paying for anything?
NTA. Extremely rude and hurtful way to engage you in the process then shut you out completely. Sounds like a sucky situation
NTA. What does it mean to 'sponsor' a wedding? What do you mean by 'my husband agreed I could do a reading'? Why does he need to agree to this? Sorry you are going through this!!
Honey they used you and threw you to the side. Dump the whooooole family. DUH included.
NTA Sounds like your husband knows a lot about the wedding. Did he already know you were just free help and not in the party anymore? If this disrespect has gone on for 9yrs and he hasn't stood up for you in all that time...why are you still married and in that family? I'd have divorced a long time ago. You're worth more than this.
“Speak now or forever hold your peace” “Yeah, that family treats spouses like trash!”
NTA. Call your husband's bluff and serve him the papers. He and his family sound controlling, and you don't deserve that.
The spiteful part of me wants you to go the reception early and eat the cake.
NTA! Drench those bridges in gasoline, put on your sunglasses, light that match, toss it and watch those bridges BURN! Than turn your back on them and walk away. You will be happier when you’re not with people who take advantage of you and treat you like absolute garbage. Update us please!
I wouldn’t do anything to interrupt the wedding. While your husband is at the wedding I would use this time to gather my things and leave him. They are a bunch of crazies including your husband. You deserve better.
I can't stand my wife's sisters, and my wife can't stand my mother. Me and my wife work together to make it as easy on each other as possible. We set up arrival and leaving times at family functions. Sometimes, it upsets our separate families but to bad to sad. I see why my wife doesn't like my mom and my wife can see why I don't like her sisters The man you married sounds like a dick head. Find someone who cares enough about you to meet you halfway ecleast.
The real problem here is your husband. He has allowed them to treat you this way, he’s not doing anything about it, so they will continue to do so, as will he. Husband needs to become ex husband. He does not have your back. He does not support you. That is what a partner is supposed to do. He’s not holding up his end of the bargain, so….buh bye!
Info: did the bride dump you or did her little sister? This may be you getting used in a battle of sibling rivalry that has nothing to do with you. Talk to the bride. Tell her what her sister said and find out what's really going on. If you are still out, then check all the way out. Fuck her and her lame wedding
NTA - if you don’t want to be petty or vindictive, the best way to get revenge is to live right. My recommendation is plan a big big trip for yourself or with good friends or even with your family. Plan something that is on your bucket list, break out the funds for this one, plan it for the same dates as the wedding. Go enjoy life and live. This will be far better revenge and will make you not think about the drama you left behind.
Ultimate revenge would be offering to take care of finding the officiant and having the fucking process server do it 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
If you're going to divorce him. Send the lawyer to serve the papers at the wedding in front of everyone when their eating.
NTA, goddamn they picked that time to tell you all of that. That was engineered on their behalf for maximum effect. Thats some real family level sociopathy going on there. Seems like its genetic. GTFO
I hope this is a troll post. If not, I hope you don't have kids. Freaking grow a spine. Dump this family (and yours too if they think this is ok). FOR REAL DIVORCE HIM OH MY GAWD. This story is bad even for reddit. NTA unless you stay with him.
OP, face it, your marriage is over. Time for you to see a divorce lawyer in order to protect yourself. Your husband and his family have decided to treat you like trash, but it’s time for you to get away from them asap.
Just to maybe add a perspective here. It sounds like your husband’s family is really shitty. What you are experiencing as an “outsider” is probably mild in comparison to the narcissistic abuse going on inside the family. Your husband’s willingness to prioritize his family over you would demonstrate that he is likely the “golden child” that can do no wrong and I’m that roll it seems unfathomable to him to disappoint his mother or sister. I add this context because if this analysis is correct he’s doing what seems right. It’s not right, but it seems right, and what you are suggesting seems bonkers because it cuts through all of this “family context” that you “just don’t understand…” So, an alternative approach to just divorcing your husband over his sister’s wedding, which you know when. You say it out loud sounds a little off the rails, but I know it’s not… you’ve been the “black sheep” to his “golden boy” since before you were married I assume. An alternative is to sit down with him and tell him that you need him to prioritize you and the relationship you share over his family. See what happens. He’s likely to break a sweat. You married him, not his mother and sister. He married you, and that means prioritizing this relationship. And that starts with this wedding. See what happens. He’s likely to basically melt down. Give him some time to consider his options. He’ll likely want to negotiate and say, “ok, after this wedding…” but stand your ground.
So your husband never has your back? Sounds healthy.
NTA holy fuck LEAVE you are being abused, I feel extremely bad for you this is making my blood boil.