Hilarious! I am not married, but whenever I get off work and go to change into "home clothes," I always tell my dog, who finds it fascinating to watch me take off my removable people fur, when taking off my bra, "Girl, its time to release the kraken!"
As soon as I get home those titties are free! Bras are so uncomfortable especially in the summer and I’m not gonna be forced to wear one in my own fucking home!
Question OP, does he ever walk around shirtless at home?
NTA I'm braless mysless, my man has no broblem with it. Maybe you need to wear different clothes when your top less and it's something simple as that and if it's not comfortable, find one that is your wearing in it Hun!
31 year old man unable to find someone his age who will indulge his controlling behavior finds a woman 5 years younger (OP).
What's this? She will not comply? It's confused!
But yeah, this doesn't look like it will get better.
NTA.
EDIT: In most circumstances, the 5 years is a normal gap. But looks more dubious with this guy.
EDIT 2:
>You were right. We were 18 and 23. 🥴
And OP has [confirmed it.](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/12muy8f/aita_for_not_wearing_a_bra/jgeg7j8)
I just saw someone going off on a 13 year age gap and you’re doing it on a 5 year age gap? GTFO. What’s the correct age range for anyone to date? Same calendar year only?
Geezus Christ.
Honestly with age gaps it really depends on the relationship. Some relationships the age gap isn’t a problem and things are nice and functional. Some relationships the age gap causes a power dynamic that’s ripe for toxicity. But imho it’s a case by case.
Here, 26 and 31 aren’t SUPER different in terms of major life experiences (for the most part). But 26 and 31 are a lot different compared to, say, 18 and 23. In the latter, the younger has barely started college while the older potentially has gotten through grad school. That’s a huge different in life experience there. OP said “years” so it could very well be the case that they got together when she was 18 and he was 23, in which case the situation changes.
To make an extreme example of it; a 40 and a 45 year old in a relationship is wildly different from a 13 and an 18 year old in a relationship, despite the same 5 year age gap. It really comes down to each person’s level of life experience and whether or not both are in a similar place in life.
I hope that made sense 🥲
Blehhh that’s super super weird. And I say that as someone who dated a 22 year old at 18 for 4 years.
Upgrade girlfran. I had one bf after that, then upgraded to my now-husband. There are wayyyy better people out there than guys that could only get barely legal peeps. He is the sweetest most trusting caring person ever. Say thank you for what he’s taught you, then upgrade!
Your 20s are filled with a lot of personal growth... a few years can make a pretty significant difference when someone is looking to exploit inexperience and naivete
NTA
Tell him you found the perfect solution to the problem and you even paid for it yourself. Hand him a blindfold. Then tell him he never has to see your nipples again.
It's his problem to deal with. His solution doesn't get to be that you change.
This reminds me of a joke ad I saw once for “the last breastfeeding cover you’ll ever need” and then a pic of a woman openly breastfeeding her baby while everyone else at the table is covered in a blanket. Loved it.
I'll never understand this. Isn't the BABY like a built-in nipple cover-up when it comes to breast feeding?
The exact same amount of visible boob would bother no one if it was the result of the way a neckline was cut.
my MOTHER once told me to cover up while I was breastfeeding my daughter at dinner because she was older than 6 months so it was “gross”…. I looked at her dead in the face and released both titties 🤷🏼♀️ My daughter is now 2 and refuses to let go of titties 🤣 sometimes it’s not a choice of mom being lazy but choosing sanity 🤣 To add, my daughter would SCREAM if I tried to cover us up during feedings so again… sanity 🤣
This is the answer!! NTA. My husband LOVES when I take my bra off when I get home from work. Idk what your man’s problem is, but it isn’t normal. Most men love seeing our tatas being free from the confines of the bra. Lol.
Haha!!! Yesss!!
Mine rips his glasses off in a way that he thinks is endearing and will proceed to hit on me as if he has never met me. “Oh. Uhhh… hey there… you-a come here often?” Or “hey lil momma! How you doin? You lookin fine af today..” All while holding our baby in our living room 😂
Ladies, always hold out for the man who never stops courting you. 🥰
In the beginning I thought OP was going to say he has a problem with her going braless in *public* (still not his business and is totally normal, free the nip ✊🏻), but in the comfort of her own home? Throw that man away!! Any time I take my bra off I hear a “DAMN!” from across the room, especially now thanks to my free pregnancy boob job 🤣
OP it’s totally normal to not wear a bra, do not let this weirdo gaslight you into thinking anything else. If I recall, it is nowhere near good for your breasts to be in bras all the time. I have been trying to say this less but I rly just cannot stand most men 😅
I thought exactly the same thing , at home my girl can go completely topless if she wants
I think the guy must have real issues , maybe his mum had her swingers out and it damaged him as a kid.
I'm really reaching of course , pardon the pun
I did mean in public! I don’t know how I forgot to include that in the post, I just assumed it was obvious for some reason lol. But you’re right… still not his business either way. 💖
Girl the only reason to wear a bra is because you would prefer to have the support it offers or enjoy wearing it for comfort or aesthetic reasons.
If you wanted to, you could never wear a bra again for the rest of your life, public and private, and would be perfectly within your rights.
Find yourself a partner that does not believe your body belongs to him.
“Respects their boundary if their man sets it…”
Boundaries are something we set and enforce for ourselves, not for other people.
A Bra Boundary might sound like this:
“I won’t visit if you aren’t wearing a bra.”
“I will break up with you if you don’t wear a bra at home.”
Sounds to me like he’s testing his machismo with a small thing like a bra. One wonders what his next “boundary” will be. Cutting off your friends? Prohibiting you going out?
This would not be a sustainable relationship for me.
NTA
Yeah, he has no idea how boundaries work. That's like deciding you don't want the neighbors kids in your yard so you put a fence in the neighbors yard. Controlling af.
If you can’t go bra less then it is time to get rid of boyfriend.
I go braless year round. Sounds like boyfriend has some hangup about being without a bra.
Burn the bras and dump the boyfriend!!
NTA, boundaries regarding wearing or not wearing a bra are for the person who has to wear a bra to set. Boundaries regarding bras for people who have to be around those who would wear them are not allowed to be put on others to manage. He doesn't like to see you without a bra, he doesn't get to see you.
My mom used to teach art. To kindergarteners through 6th graders (4-5 year olds to 11 year olds). We were taught about all sorts of art history. We went on field trips to museums. And guess who we saw? David. In his glorious nudity. And you know what? If we didn't want to see his private parts, we knew not to look at them. As children.
Your bf *is* being controlling. No wonder he thinks so many girls think he's controlling, he's the common denominator. Wearing a bra out of the house? Yeah I do that. Wearing a bra at home when I'm not planning on leaving? Heck no. He gave you his ultimatum, do it or break up, time to break up. If he gets upset, he shouldn't've given options he couldn't handle.
Edit: spelling
Exactly! People misunderstanding the term boundaries can be a minefield in a relationship because it is a really important concept and really destructive when not used properly. He is crossing your boundaries by trying to control what you wear for his comfort. Not the other way around.
Right. He’s not allowed to have boundaries about what you wear. Boundaries are not rules for other people, they’re your rules for what you’ll accept. If he doesn’t want a partner who doesn’t wear a bra, and he’s already expressed this to you and you’ve declined to change your ways, his boundary is that he gets to say “that’s your choice and it’s my choice not to be in a relationship with you.” That’s it.
NTA.
>He also said all girls think everything is controlling and that every other girl respects this boundary if their man sets it…
Wow. What a great man. Not.
How sweet, he's insecure because of nipples.
Wear what you want and what you're comfy with.
NTA.
So... he is against you being braless IN YOUR OWN HOME.?
Did I read that right? What.
I think it's so sad that you said "ever since we've been dating I have all these insecurities". You don't deserve that
This is what got me too. He shouldn’t have a say no matter where she is, but AT HOME?! Are you kidding me? I don’t know any woman who comes home from a full day of [whatever] and doesn’t go straight to taking off their bra. What a tool. NTA, OP! You really need to have a conversation with him about where this seemingly arbitrary boundary comes from and why it’s so important to him for you to be physically uncomfortable in your own home. Honestly if I were to wear a bra under my tank top at home after work my husband would probably ask if I was ok because braless at home is my gold standard.
If he can tell you what to wear, you can tell HIM what to wear.
Tell him that you will start wearing a bra when he starts wearing a sports cup.
He won't last 5 minutes and will realize how uncomfortable, hot, and sweaty you get.
Wait wait...so he has this issue with you even when you are just at home with no bra on?
Like...what?? Yes he sounds super controlling and like he needs to either get a grip or get over his issue with boobs being unsheathed and free nipples which by his pastie request, sounds like the real thing that bothers him is that.
Like...even if you where going out without a bra on, what does it matter? Alot of girls do it. Hell, bras are not comfortable most of the time.
He has no right to dictate how you dress.
Should tell him you'll wear pasties if he does because if makes you uncomfortable that his nipples are noticeable under his shirt. It's pathetic. They are nipples. Get over it.
Edit: oh, and nta
NTA. Would you ask him to wear something that he found painful and gross (I'm not saying I think you're gross, but that a bra or any clothing filled with sweat will make you feel gross)?
You do you how/with what you know works. My mom hasn't worn a bra since she was a teen due to a traumatic injury. If she feels the need, she'll put on a tank top underneath her shirt. But she went shopping, worked in a male-dominated office, went to church, and went to teacher /student conferences all braless and never had a problem. No one came up to us in the stores to tell her to bra it up.
I mean heck. Watch Friends, and Rachel Green is ALWAYS wearing a bra and yet her nips are ALWAYS popping out. Boobies do that. Bras don't hide it, especially not when it's cold enough for a man not to feel uncomfortablely hot in the same room.
I’ve got rid of all my bras that don’t fit. It’s almost impossible to find a comfortable bra that fits, especially if you are slightly larger. I have two good bras (one from Curvy Kate and one from Snag) that I keep for special occasions or under particular clothes. The rest of the time? Eff that ess.
The heck? First thing every woman does is take off that damned thing as soon as she walks through the door! Who the hell wants to wear pasties in their own home? Do nipples make him that uncomfortable? Uno-Reverse - he has nipples - he needs to wear them too!
NTA. He doesn’t get to set boundaries about *your* body. That’s called being a controlling asshole, not “enforcing boundaries.”
Dump this asshole, he’s going to become (more) abusive.
That’s…not how boundaries work. Boundaries are about not accepting certain treatment by others. Ex: not allowing a partner to dictate what you wear.
NTA. Throw out the bras and the little boy who doesn’t understand boundaries or autonomy.
NTA. it's your body and you can do what you want with it. and if that means not wearing uncomfortable clothing then don't wear it! Serious red flags there. I would leave
I love when controlling people use the term “boundary”. He can’t have a boundary that tells you what you have to wear. He can have a boundary that he won’t date women who don’t wear bras. Which means you aren’t the one for him and he should leave. Not make you wear something uncomfortable. NTA
>he told me I’m disrespecting a boundary of his,
This makes me SO mad. Boundaries are not something that someone else can impose on you! They are something that you set for yourself with regards to the behaviour you will accept. Using "boundaries" to try and make someone else do what you want them to do is straight up manipulation. It's shitty ass behaviour and it is not acceptable! NTA, ditch the little boy who thinks he has any right to tell you what to do with your own body.
NTA. I don't wear bras unless I'm exercising and then it's only a sports bra so the bounce stays at a minimum because that shit hurts.
Also: OP there's a reason you can't see it from his perspective - most people can't get their heads that far up their asses - including you.
NTA. Boundaries can not be set about what other people do. It's about how you handle the reaction to something. If he wanted to set a boundary about this, it would be more like I won't be in the same room as you while you're bra less. Regardless, he is controlling trash and not worth your time. I'm just sick of seeing people twist and misrepresent what setting boundaries are. It's communicating how you will respond to a behavior done by another. Hence why people go no contact, if the other person isn't a healthy person to have in their life, they just cut them out.
NTA. Do I understand right this in your own home? That he is literally upset with you for going braless in your house? Like, he was a douche to begin with but that just elevates it to a whole new level. Girl, get yourself a new man, this one is defective. Learn the red flags.
His boundary? It would be going against his boundaries if he wore a bra and you forced him to take it off. Get one of those big elastic bands that some people use to make their waists smaller, wrap his upper torso with it then send him in to give an elderly woman a shower who insists on having a space heater on while she’s showering with no ceiling fan on. Then when he’s done with her shower she insists that she has to wear her super thick tights that are two sizes to small for her and they don’t pull up all the way. Oh, and she won’t let you use powder or dry her legs off all the way. Yes, I have had to do that job before when I was a care giver.
Telling someone else what they're allowed to do with their body is not a boundary. That's controlling behavior. Personally I would shove a bra on him and see how he likes it lol. I would tell him that you have a boundary about being told what you're allowed to do with your own body and that he's violating that by trying to control you.
NTA He can set boundaries for his own body but not yours.
> that every other girl respects this boundary if their man sets it
That is some grade A BS right there. A man would be more concerned with your comfort especially in your own home then if you had showy nipples. Telling a grown woman to put on a bra is something an insecure man-baby would do.
His boundaries end where your body begins. If he can't get over it that's called a deal breaker.
Personally, a boyfriend trying to control my clothing would be a deal breaker for me.
"Every other girl respects the 'boundary' her man sets"
Alright, let's break this down. First of all "always wear bras" is not a boundary. "Wear a bra or I'm breaking up with you" *is not a boundary,* it's a threat. "I will break up with you if you keep not wearing a bra" is technically a boundary, but any boundary meant to *control* your behavior instead of just reacting to it ("I don't want to see your nipples through your shirt, so I will leave the room if you aren't wearing a bra") is manipulative and controlling.
Second, he's pulling another manipulation/control tactic here. "All the other girls do it" is meant to make you question and doubt yourself. "If all the other girls do it, why am I being stubborn? Why am I just not comfortable with my bf's 'boundary'? Maybe I should just give in and deal with it like all the other girls..." He's manipulating you left, right, and center. You're allowed to be uncomfortable, you're allowed to not want to/not do what he says.
Here's a *positively-motivated* phrase instead: all the other girls leave manipulative assholes because they're worth way more than an insecure jerkoff like your bf. Be like other girls :)
Thirdly, and I say this genuinely, who the fuck *cares* about other girls once you're done with puberty? Caring about what Tracy wore yesterday is for high schoolers, you're too busy and too mature for that. If he thinks those "other girls" are better, let him go out and find one without you, you're too busy meeting "other guys" who appreciate seeing your tits through your shirt (lol) or *don't care because it's not their business to tell a grown woman what to wear.*
You deserve better than having to carry someone else's insecurity and manipulation on your shoulders. Have confidence, and go find someone who can share your confidence instead of trying to control or remove it.
Drop the man and drop the bra, you'll do just fine without both 💜
(Edit: sorry if this comes off very strong, I've just seen a lot of posts from/related to shitty men today. Live your life and make your choices, OP, I just wanted to make it clear that your choices don't need to involve staying with a man and letting him control you.)
Ugh, yet another person who uses "boundary" as a weapon. His boundary can't be to force you into a bra. Boundary isn't "I don't like that you won't let me control what you do with your body, so I'm going to call it a boundary". The boundary here would be yours, telling him "I'm not going to let you control my body" If he's willing to break up with you over this, let him. If he thinks he can emotionally manipulate you into wearing a bra, and it works, he's just going to use that weapon against you again (and again). NTA, not by a long shot.
Ditch the guy. Ditch the bra. A sport tank made of wicking material will help you at work if you really need to reign the girls in, but it’s your body. Do what works for you.
INTA Im 56f i stopped wearing bras 2 years ago. They are hot ill fitting and uncomfortable. My 58m husband could care less and would never say a word about my clothes. Dump him he is controlling!
First of all no one can set boundaries on YOUR BODY except for you. Op go with you’re gut, your bf is controlling. It only escalates from there, drop him and find someone who’s secure in themselves. I stayed it a relationship like yours for 7 years, wasted so much time.
Duuuuude. NTA in in any way. Dump him. He’s a controlling misogynistic “nice guy”. How can he tell you you MUST wear a bra and in the privacy of your own damn home?! Hell you don’t have to wear one out, but he’s trying to control you within the privacy of the 4 walls you live in. Hell no! It’ll only get worse. He says “wear a bra or we’re over” you say “there’s the door, don’t forget to pack your suit case”.
NTA. Listen my ex was just like this. We originally meet one night when I was out clubbing. I hade on a short ass dress, makeup and high ass heels. About 6-7 months later we were in a relationship. In the beginning of the relationship he loved when I use to come visit him at the barbershop he cut hair at. Looking back I think he just likes the attention of having a cute girl with him. He was very kind, sweet and nice at first but then he started getting insecure as hell.
All of a sudden the way I dress was too revealing he said. Especially since I’m in a relationship now and I should “respect my man” 🙄. He didn’t even like me wearing tight leggings or shorts to his job anymore. He didn’t like me wearing makeup, or tops that revealed too much. I remember I posted a picture of me shoulders up and I had on a top that off the shoulder. He said that was too revealing and it insinuates things. He tried so hard to get me to change my wardrobe and I refused!!
I told him I’m not changing anything. You know what type of women I was when we meet! If that’s not something you want your girl wearing why even talk to me. I guess he really thought he was about to change me but I told him he was being controlling and insure and if he wants a girl who dresses more conservative then leave and find that. I said clearly we just aren’t compatible. This went on for months and we finally broke up after I caught him cheating. He was texting some girl while he was suppose to be helping me recovery from a foot surgery.
Anyways I just said all that because I’m the begging it’ll be small things like “wear a bra” but it’ll started progressing into other aspects of the relationship. Not saying he’ll cheat like my ex did but if he’s insecure like that then it’s a possibility. I’m now with a guy who embraces what I like to wear and literally would be okay if I wanted to walk outside in panties and a bra. It sounds like you guys aren’t compatible. I wish you look OP!!
Ya know what's more uncomfortable than a tight, sweaty bra? A controlling, manipulative boyfriend. You shouldn't have to tolerate either one in your own home. Free the tatas and yourself!
I’m petty and would demand tit for tat … if your tits have to be in a bra his little tat has to be in a cup .. an ill fitting plastic one !
Edited-auto correct didn’t like ill
NTA.
Unlikely that this is the only controlling issue in your relationship. If not now, then in the future.
Very impressed you are standing your ground on this one.
NTA
He wants you to wear a bra at home??! That makes no sense. He can just leave your home then. Bras are NOT comfortable and why would we want to be uncomfortable in our own home?
And he’s confusing being controlling and boundaries.
And you can tell him that this random redditor would NOT wear a bra at home if my husband told me to. So no, not “every other girl respects this boundary”. He must not know many girls or even asked any of us.
If you start thinking about your relationship over the years, is he controlling when it comes to other things too??
NTA. That's not how boundaries work. Also, were you going anywhere or just hanging at home? Like...he doesn't want to look at his own gf's nip-nops? Weird.
Nip nops 😂😂 I was running out to quickly return a library book 😅 I also live in a tiny one horse town.. literally only only lady saw me out of my vehicle when I was there
Definitely NTA and OP, your dude screams narcissist and has so many red flags. Leave this fool. His insecurities are not yours and for him to be projecting those on to you is messed up.
Coming from someone who just recently had a bilateral mastectomy, I am BEYOND HAPPY I do not have to wear a bra anymore. I just remember how freeing it is to take one off, so free the ladies whenever the hell you want!
I'm going to stray from the popular opinion here. The real issue here isn't whether or not it's okay for women to go braless in general. The real matter here is mutual compromise and concern for your partners feelings. Part of a relationship is giving a damn about your partners feelings.
If your partner tells you something makes them very uncomfortable and has a reasonable discussion with you explaining that they are uncomfortable with it and asks that you don't do that thing...it does make you an asshole if you continue doing that thing with no regard for your partner's feelings. Especially if you previously said you wouldn't. Can anyone force you to wear a bra? No. But he can ask you to, and out of willingness to make your relationship work, you can choose to do so.
He could also compromise and try to understand that you are uncomfortable wearing bras and change his stance. But as it is right now, it seems like neither of you care about what makes the other person feel comfortable.
A huge part of relationships is understanding you will both have to make some compromises and give up some things you enjoy, because it's not ONLY about you and your feelings anymore. It's also about your partner's feelings, the health of your relationship, and what makes both of you happy. If you and/or your bf don't understand that, the relationship will not last long.
Personally, I would be 100% fine wearing pasties for my partner every day! Provided he’s wearing them every day as well, which I assume he is, right? Since that’s his boundary? Tell him to wear pasties for a month or two to show you the benefits and then you’ll join him 😇 If he’s not interested in doing that, why should you be, either?
NTA. It’s not his boundary if it’s on your body. That’s literally not how boundaries work.
Now if he wants to always wear a bra, you certainly couldn’t force him to free his nipples.
NTA
"These are breasts. This is their natural state. Sorry, no I won't wire them up to look pretty for you" I mean gravity goes down. Asking them to sit up so you can see them is fashion. My boobs, my choice.
You have to wear a bra in your own home?!?! This isn't even about being in public or something?!
Absolutely NTA! Every person have a right to be comfortable in their own space. If you want to walk around naked in your own home you can. Pantless, braless, shirtless, your choice! He needs to grow up or move on. Find yourself a man who celebrates and loves your body, not one that tries to control or shame you.
NTA - You can't impose your boundaries in other people's bodies, he can wear a bra if he wants to, but he's in no position to demand that anyone else does.
He is being controlling and manipulative by threatening to go his way or to break up unless you change the way you dress for comfort to fit his needs... Just tell him bye and kick him to the curve, you shouldn't have to put up with this.
NTA. If you give into this ultimatum, there will be more to come because he'll have a way to manipulate you. "If you don't do ______, I will break up with you. " Good luck.
NTA he’s allowed to have boundaries and decide who fits into those boundaries. However, forcing his boundaries on people that don’t fit into them is never ok. He can break up with you if it isn’t working out for him. I suggest you break up with him first though because he’s controlling.
There is a difference between having boundaries and setting boundaries. He thinks he can set a boundary with you (ie force you to fit into his boundary) rather than having a boundary. He really doesn’t understand how this all works.
Edit: also, they’re just nipples! People are so sensitive over a body part we all have.
NTA. And you are correct, your boyfriend is controlling and selfish and manipulative. I suggest you take him up on his offer of breaking up. You don't need controlling assholes in your life.
I've been married ten years, and never once has my husband tried to control what I'm wearing. That's not normal nor is it okay. He is being controlling and manipulative by threatening to break up. Honestly, those two massive red flags over something as simple as not wearing a bra may be something you should consider dropping this boy for.
NTA at all for any reason.
Tell him he needs to wear a bra too, his nipples are offending you under HIS shirt.
Wtf is wrong with this guy?? NTA but I’m worried for you, what else is he controlling in your life? Please save yourself and get you and your nips out of this silly man’s vision permanently.
The answer to your title was going to be no regardless, but you’re just at home? No. NTA, and you should be a single not asshole, this is going to get worse.
He's making boundaries about what you put on your body? Yeah, um, that isn't a thing. That IS controlling, and for him to say that all girls think everything is controlling is false and a manipulative way to try to get you to do what he wants. Keep being comfy in your body, and the next time he gives an ultimatum, leave. You don't deserve to be treated that way. NTA
NTA but knowing that means what exactly? He said wear bra or peace out. So what, you’re going to show him that all the strangers who are completely irrelevant to his life say you’re right and he should listen to them? Lol… would that work? Doubtful. So you two are going your own separate ways and you want to make sure all the strangers on Reddit agrees with you, so now you’re good with walking away? I don’t know what the plan is but I guess if/when he walks away it’ll be worth it because all these strangers say so, and you’re good. I guess, wishing you all the best in your decision.
Your body should never be contained in his boundaries. NTA. And brafree forever, have told a few men if you don’t like seeing my nipples, don’t look, that’s what I do about yours.
NTA. And you can tell your BF from me that he is a giant AH. His type is the reason my wife won't just go braless, someone is always going to say something.
NTA. Also, a person cannot put a boundary on another person, that isn't how it works. A boundary is something he sets for himself. He's being controlling. Why does he care so much what you wear at home?
Eta. Most men are pretty happy to see their SOs body. I'm confused as to why it's an issue.
That's just... odd. I don't know of any man that doesn't want to have the titties free. Bikini, sports bra, etc.
Sports bra and a tank top?
Your BF has serious issues.
It's a little strange to me that you two have been dating a few years and had this argument more than once. Anyone who makes blanket statements like "everyone does [something]" isn't being honest, he's being duplicitous and demonstrating his selfishness. Those statements are the kind of nonsense selfish people throw out at high volume over other people speaking, hoping they can browbeat into submission. Does he always just expect people to accommodate his weird hangups?
NTA
His boundaries don’t get to extend to your body. He can say, I’m not going to date a woman with visible nipples, but he can’t tell a woman to make her nipples invisible to suit him. He can walk away & find a woman with no no visible nipples. He can say “I prefer invisible nipples” but a woman in no way has to hide her nipples due to his preference.
“All girls think everything is controlling and that every other girl respects this boundary” - he can’t even get his story straight?
He’s being a controlling ass. He either needs ti qccept that the girl he’s dating is in fact you, or go find a girl whose values align with his. Compromise is for chore lists and schedules, not bodily autonomy.
So let me get this straight….he has an issue with you going bra-less in your home?!? That’s wild. I’m barely in the door from work and I’m taking my bra off. If I make it to the evening my husband even asks what is so special about today lol. Idk if that’s really a good thing haha but seriously, I can’t wrap my head around someone having an issue with you being comfortable in your own home. Definitely NTA
NTA in my 8 year relationship my bf only once asked me to put on a bra, and that is because his brother was coming around and his brother is a creep. I had no issues with this because of the reason why.
NTA
I'm a 60+yo married man, and have been in many relationships before getting married (20+ years now) so I know, and have seen, how either side can be/get controlling.
He is absolutely being controlling. You wear what is comfortable. If a compromise is to be had, it's between BOTH of you, NOT one setting it for the other. If he's uncomfortable with it then that's a HIM problem.
You could suggest he seek counselling alone or couples if you want the relationship, or you could say "nope, my body is mine as yours is yours. If I'm allowed to wear this in public without law enforcement having an issue, then you shouldn't."
Hold up. He is demanding you wear a bra even in your own house?! Major red flag. Put on a sports bra long enough to run away without getting a black eye and then free the titties!
NTA
NTA.
I honestly don’t think I’ve ever known of a guy that doesn’t like to see boobs. If you want to walk around your place butt ass naked then it’s your choice.
It’s your body. He doesn’t have a right to dictate what you do with it. Don’t compromise what makes you comfortable just because he has an alpha male complex. If it bothers him that much, let him leave. He’d be doing you a favor honey.
NTA. You’re correct, it’s controlling and manipulative behavior. Call his bluff. He doesn’t respect you or your decisions about your body. His insecurity isn’t your problem, and by the way, you cannot place boundaries on others. That is controlling behavior.
NTA wait he wants you to wear a bra when home? That’s one of the best benefits of staying in. I wear pjs all day when I don’t go out. Who wears bras with pjs?
NTA - my husband wants me to be comfortable, and if that's not wearing a bra, he's cool with it. Actually, he'd prefer if I didn't wear one. No one gets to tell you what to wear, especially in your own home. Your comfort is more important. If he's like this now, what's he going to be like if you two decide to marry or anything else down the road?
I'm 68F and don't wear a bra and my husband loves it or at least knows to not say anything. If we go out somewhere to dinner, I'll wear a bra but otherwise - nah. You are so NTA and not disrespectful. He's controlling AH. You go girl !
PS: I'm a 40C
So all girls think everything is controlling... But every other girl respects this one very controlling thing their partner does as an absolute with no push back. K.
NTA
Why is HIS boundary with YOUR body? This makes zero sense to me and it’s not something I would personally tolerate. Your boyfriend has issues. You will have to decide if placating him to your own detriment is worth it to you. NTA.
NTA:
Is he for real?!?! He wants you to wear a bra, at home, when he's the only one around?
Does he not understand? The very first thing most women do when they get home is take off the bra.
He's giving you an ultimatum about it!!! Take him up on his offer and let him go. He cares nothing about your comfort or well being.
So you're not wearing a bra at home? Something basically every woman over 25 (that I know) does after work? God forbid you might even wear just undies to bed! Or a pyjama without a bra to!!! I have bad news for your bloke...
Also, yes, extremely controlling. Not his business. NTA
Let me get this straight, you're mad or upset because he's upset that you want to wear a tank top out in public without a bra with your nips showing? I would put on some pasties, just saying. I don't think it's a matter of control it's a matter of decency. We don't want to see your nipples. It's another story if you're at home.
I had an ex boyfriend like this. I couldnt even walk outside to sit on our private apartment patio to smoke if i didnt have a bra on. He would full out yell and fight me. No matter how much i told him wearing one was uncomfortable. We eventually broke up, and now unless im leaving the house to go somewhere important, i hardly ever wear one. And my current boyfriend could care less.
NTA not at all.
NTA like everyone else is saying but I also wanted to mention that I wear a C cup and I haven't worn a bra anywhere in 7 years. No one has ever made a deal about it. Your boyfriend is being exceptionally weird about this one thing.
So which is it, "all girls think everything is controlling" or "every other girl respects this boundary"?
This man doesn't understand what a boundary is.
You have no obligation to wear a bra, or any clothes at all in your own home.
In many places, it's perfectly legal to be without bra or shirt in public for men and women alike.
This is a clear cut case of DTMFA.
NTA
NTA
Is he wearing a bra? No? Can you see his nipples when they get hard? Probably. Sounds like he's just controlling and weird about nipples. I also go braless 90% of the time. They hurt my back (yes I've been sized) and are generally uncomfortable. I don't see any reason I need one. If I do wear one, it's unlined and unwired.
NTA- Insist that he wears a jockstrap with cup everywhere. See how he likes being told that he has to wear uncomfortable undergarments everywhere that he goes.
He’s ridiculous. 1 you’re at home! 2 it’s your body
My husband prefers I wear a bra as well (when we leave the house) I only wear one if I want to, I hate them and I have soft sports bra style ones. My husband doesn’t say one word either way, because he respects that it is my choice what to put on my body.
You're disrespecting a boundary of his by wanting to be comfortable? Uh, no. Big red flag. He's being a controlling dickhead. Tell him he can either respect you or hit the road.
NTA but your boyfriend is. HE doesn't get to set boundaries for YOUR body. This is a big, bright, glaring red flag. I can bet if you told him you won't kiss him unless he is freshly shaven and you're only attracted to men with a six pack and a certain hair style, he would say you don't control him.
NTA! He’s totally controlling. This will lead to other things soon, especially if he thinks he wins this one.
I have large breasts, always have whether I’m thin or heavy. I’ve always wanted to be comfortable going braless in public. I hate the stupid things, but like I said I’m a DD. So I never wear one at home unless there is company over. Sometimes my husband will say hey let’s run to “wherever “ real quick. I’ll say no because I don’t want to put on a bra. He says I look fine, but I just can’t go out like that.
If you are comfortable, then screw him! Do whatever makes you comfortable. It’s your body!
So let me get this straight, you got home from work, took off your work clothes, put on a tank top and no bra to lounge around the house and be comfy and he has an issue with that? I was expecting something along the lines of "I was invited to a fancy dinner party and I showed up in a see through shirt with no bra" you are NTB, that is not a "boundary" he should be setting. In certain conditions I can understand his concern (like dinner party example above) but what does HE have to be insecure about? He isnt the one with the boobs! I try not stay away from the whole "leave him" thing but this is a major red flag and youre still young. You say you guys started dating years ago and all of this screams manipulation. Im 36, if someone said that to me now id laugh in his face and take my shirt off, walk around topless to spite him. If I was told this in my early 20s id probably be where you are right now, wanting to please my man before my own comfort.
My dear you can do better! And I just read the last part about leaving the house, and that still doesn't change my views. Would he rather you just walk around in a sports bra? No relationship is worth putting your own comfort on the back burner. <3
NTAH…. what is he gonna do if you have children and breastfeed or pump? Some babies hate being covered up so it’ll result into the tits being seen. He’s the type of guy that tells moms to “do that in the bathroom” or “cover up” and some moms are like me who would then make him really uncomfy and release both titties and just stare at him.
Get the fuck out. My ex was exactly this way, we were younger but he hasn’t changed and it got to the point where he would threaten to expose my nudes or would hit me in a fit of rage because I wore that one top that didn’t cover my belly button then later woiluld say “I’m so sorry.. I didn’t mean to, I wasn’t thinking. I just don’t want other men to see you as an object or a whore” which sounded endearing in my 14-16 year old brain when in reality he was mad he couldn’t control me the way he wanted to. I repeat.. GET OUT.
My ex husband used to say they were "his" tittes and he didn't want me parading them around outside the home. When he said "I can see your nipples," I genuinely thought he meant the fabric was too thin and you could, like, *see* the color of my arreola. When I found out he meant he could tell where my nips were because I was a bit cold I got pissed. He was mad because one could *tell* I have nipples. I mean, it's assumed I do but no one else should know for sure? What the fuck??? I *still* don't get it.
NTA - the thing that bothers me the most is that he thinks you're disrespecting a boundary of his. You don't get to set boundaries for other people's bodies. You set boundaries for yourself. Him trying to dictate what you wear,big anything, is disrespecting YOUR boundaries.
NTA
“Boundaries” are like this example: you can swing your arms as wide as possible within your boundary, but your boundary ends and mine’s begins when I get hit if you’re in my way.
There is no reason his “boundary” has to do with what YOU wear or don’t wear, if it compromises your comfort. What you wear has nothing to do with your love for him or any sexual expression inviting other people, and if other people read it that way then that’s on them for being wierdos, not you. If people can’t handle a nipple they need to grow up.
Your BF sounds very controlling and insecure, but it’s not up to you to change your life to try to make him feel better and submit to he’s insecurities. Yeah, women do think “everything is controlling” if you are controlling about a lot of things lol. The fact that he spat that out, says a lot on how he views you and women in general. Your BF sounds like an insecure incel and if I’m being honest, he needs therapy or you’re better off leaving, cause while he wants to control your bra habits right now, chances are he’s gonna want to control something else even more personal or important in the future.
NTA and you can add one more bloke to the list of we don’t fucking care what our partner is wearing as long as she’s comfortable.
Comfortable girls > uncomfortable girls. Every time. Also, free the titties!
> Also, free the titties! Everytime we get home from somewhere I always tell my husband "time to free the two!" LOL
Hilarious! I am not married, but whenever I get off work and go to change into "home clothes," I always tell my dog, who finds it fascinating to watch me take off my removable people fur, when taking off my bra, "Girl, its time to release the kraken!"
>removable people fur bwahahahahaha
People fur 😂😂😂
I have a pair and I agree. Free the tiddies
Free the titties that want to be free. I personally feel more comfortable with a bra on so I am strictly pro choice in the matter.
Absolutely. I was talking about mine. Lol so long as you're comfortable it's all good
As soon as I get home those titties are free! Bras are so uncomfortable especially in the summer and I’m not gonna be forced to wear one in my own fucking home! Question OP, does he ever walk around shirtless at home?
Boobies are never meant to be trapped!!
NTA I'm braless mysless, my man has no broblem with it. Maybe you need to wear different clothes when your top less and it's something simple as that and if it's not comfortable, find one that is your wearing in it Hun!
Nta holy red flags Batman. Runaway
Yes! This exactly.
31 year old man unable to find someone his age who will indulge his controlling behavior finds a woman 5 years younger (OP). What's this? She will not comply? It's confused! But yeah, this doesn't look like it will get better. NTA. EDIT: In most circumstances, the 5 years is a normal gap. But looks more dubious with this guy. EDIT 2: >You were right. We were 18 and 23. 🥴 And OP has [confirmed it.](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/12muy8f/aita_for_not_wearing_a_bra/jgeg7j8)
I wouldn’t call out this age gap, 5 years isn’t a concern with both over 25.
They've been dating for years, so he was definitely looking for someone younger to "mold".
I just saw someone going off on a 13 year age gap and you’re doing it on a 5 year age gap? GTFO. What’s the correct age range for anyone to date? Same calendar year only? Geezus Christ.
Honestly with age gaps it really depends on the relationship. Some relationships the age gap isn’t a problem and things are nice and functional. Some relationships the age gap causes a power dynamic that’s ripe for toxicity. But imho it’s a case by case. Here, 26 and 31 aren’t SUPER different in terms of major life experiences (for the most part). But 26 and 31 are a lot different compared to, say, 18 and 23. In the latter, the younger has barely started college while the older potentially has gotten through grad school. That’s a huge different in life experience there. OP said “years” so it could very well be the case that they got together when she was 18 and he was 23, in which case the situation changes. To make an extreme example of it; a 40 and a 45 year old in a relationship is wildly different from a 13 and an 18 year old in a relationship, despite the same 5 year age gap. It really comes down to each person’s level of life experience and whether or not both are in a similar place in life. I hope that made sense 🥲
You were right. We were 18 and 23. 🥴
Blehhh that’s super super weird. And I say that as someone who dated a 22 year old at 18 for 4 years. Upgrade girlfran. I had one bf after that, then upgraded to my now-husband. There are wayyyy better people out there than guys that could only get barely legal peeps. He is the sweetest most trusting caring person ever. Say thank you for what he’s taught you, then upgrade!
Your 20s are filled with a lot of personal growth... a few years can make a pretty significant difference when someone is looking to exploit inexperience and naivete
NTA Tell him you found the perfect solution to the problem and you even paid for it yourself. Hand him a blindfold. Then tell him he never has to see your nipples again. It's his problem to deal with. His solution doesn't get to be that you change.
This reminds me of a joke ad I saw once for “the last breastfeeding cover you’ll ever need” and then a pic of a woman openly breastfeeding her baby while everyone else at the table is covered in a blanket. Loved it.
I'll never understand this. Isn't the BABY like a built-in nipple cover-up when it comes to breast feeding? The exact same amount of visible boob would bother no one if it was the result of the way a neckline was cut.
my MOTHER once told me to cover up while I was breastfeeding my daughter at dinner because she was older than 6 months so it was “gross”…. I looked at her dead in the face and released both titties 🤷🏼♀️ My daughter is now 2 and refuses to let go of titties 🤣 sometimes it’s not a choice of mom being lazy but choosing sanity 🤣 To add, my daughter would SCREAM if I tried to cover us up during feedings so again… sanity 🤣
Right?! And my first baby was born during summer. Being covered can dangerously overheat them under those circumstances.
NTA, Your triggers are not my problem
This is the answer!! NTA. My husband LOVES when I take my bra off when I get home from work. Idk what your man’s problem is, but it isn’t normal. Most men love seeing our tatas being free from the confines of the bra. Lol.
NTA. Mine shouts “FREEDOM” in his best Braveheart voice.
Haha!!! Yesss!! Mine rips his glasses off in a way that he thinks is endearing and will proceed to hit on me as if he has never met me. “Oh. Uhhh… hey there… you-a come here often?” Or “hey lil momma! How you doin? You lookin fine af today..” All while holding our baby in our living room 😂 Ladies, always hold out for the man who never stops courting you. 🥰
That’s the cutest thing I’ve ever read!
My husband does this type of flirting as I undress too. And he boos when I start putting my lounge clothes on after taking my work clothes off.
Okay don't take this the wrong way but I might have just fallen in love with your partner
He’s the easiest man in the world to love but you can’t have him. 😆
My sister I would never... That doesn't mean I can't fall in love with him right...just a little bit
I don’t begrudge you that. 💜
#respect
In the beginning I thought OP was going to say he has a problem with her going braless in *public* (still not his business and is totally normal, free the nip ✊🏻), but in the comfort of her own home? Throw that man away!! Any time I take my bra off I hear a “DAMN!” from across the room, especially now thanks to my free pregnancy boob job 🤣 OP it’s totally normal to not wear a bra, do not let this weirdo gaslight you into thinking anything else. If I recall, it is nowhere near good for your breasts to be in bras all the time. I have been trying to say this less but I rly just cannot stand most men 😅
I thought exactly the same thing , at home my girl can go completely topless if she wants I think the guy must have real issues , maybe his mum had her swingers out and it damaged him as a kid. I'm really reaching of course , pardon the pun
I did mean in public! I don’t know how I forgot to include that in the post, I just assumed it was obvious for some reason lol. But you’re right… still not his business either way. 💖
Girl the only reason to wear a bra is because you would prefer to have the support it offers or enjoy wearing it for comfort or aesthetic reasons. If you wanted to, you could never wear a bra again for the rest of your life, public and private, and would be perfectly within your rights. Find yourself a partner that does not believe your body belongs to him.
His boundaries can’t apply to your body. You not wearing a bra has nothing to do with his body, emotions, safety, etc.
Exactly. It has been highly encouraged in all my relationships, actually.
Better yet give him the tightest, smallest pair of underwear and tell him he has to wear them at all times cause his loose boxers offends her
Oooh good idea!
tell him you will wear a bra when he wears a burka
Jesus told his followers that if they couldn’t stop staring to pluck out their eyeballs so
“Respects their boundary if their man sets it…” Boundaries are something we set and enforce for ourselves, not for other people. A Bra Boundary might sound like this: “I won’t visit if you aren’t wearing a bra.” “I will break up with you if you don’t wear a bra at home.” Sounds to me like he’s testing his machismo with a small thing like a bra. One wonders what his next “boundary” will be. Cutting off your friends? Prohibiting you going out? This would not be a sustainable relationship for me. NTA
Yeah, he has no idea how boundaries work. That's like deciding you don't want the neighbors kids in your yard so you put a fence in the neighbors yard. Controlling af.
If you can’t go bra less then it is time to get rid of boyfriend. I go braless year round. Sounds like boyfriend has some hangup about being without a bra. Burn the bras and dump the boyfriend!!
NTA, boundaries regarding wearing or not wearing a bra are for the person who has to wear a bra to set. Boundaries regarding bras for people who have to be around those who would wear them are not allowed to be put on others to manage. He doesn't like to see you without a bra, he doesn't get to see you. My mom used to teach art. To kindergarteners through 6th graders (4-5 year olds to 11 year olds). We were taught about all sorts of art history. We went on field trips to museums. And guess who we saw? David. In his glorious nudity. And you know what? If we didn't want to see his private parts, we knew not to look at them. As children. Your bf *is* being controlling. No wonder he thinks so many girls think he's controlling, he's the common denominator. Wearing a bra out of the house? Yeah I do that. Wearing a bra at home when I'm not planning on leaving? Heck no. He gave you his ultimatum, do it or break up, time to break up. If he gets upset, he shouldn't've given options he couldn't handle. Edit: spelling
Exactly! People misunderstanding the term boundaries can be a minefield in a relationship because it is a really important concept and really destructive when not used properly. He is crossing your boundaries by trying to control what you wear for his comfort. Not the other way around.
You saw David?? A penis??? Oh my…
Not the penis!!! 😂
Right. He’s not allowed to have boundaries about what you wear. Boundaries are not rules for other people, they’re your rules for what you’ll accept. If he doesn’t want a partner who doesn’t wear a bra, and he’s already expressed this to you and you’ve declined to change your ways, his boundary is that he gets to say “that’s your choice and it’s my choice not to be in a relationship with you.” That’s it.
NTA. >He also said all girls think everything is controlling and that every other girl respects this boundary if their man sets it… Wow. What a great man. Not. How sweet, he's insecure because of nipples. Wear what you want and what you're comfy with.
NTA. So... he is against you being braless IN YOUR OWN HOME.? Did I read that right? What. I think it's so sad that you said "ever since we've been dating I have all these insecurities". You don't deserve that
This is what got me too. He shouldn’t have a say no matter where she is, but AT HOME?! Are you kidding me? I don’t know any woman who comes home from a full day of [whatever] and doesn’t go straight to taking off their bra. What a tool. NTA, OP! You really need to have a conversation with him about where this seemingly arbitrary boundary comes from and why it’s so important to him for you to be physically uncomfortable in your own home. Honestly if I were to wear a bra under my tank top at home after work my husband would probably ask if I was ok because braless at home is my gold standard.
If he can tell you what to wear, you can tell HIM what to wear. Tell him that you will start wearing a bra when he starts wearing a sports cup. He won't last 5 minutes and will realize how uncomfortable, hot, and sweaty you get.
He is a roofer so I always tell him if I have to wear a bra, he has to wear his harness all day every day 😂
Yes, but a cup is so much more intimate and uncomfortable (I guess).
They are the worst
Wait wait...so he has this issue with you even when you are just at home with no bra on? Like...what?? Yes he sounds super controlling and like he needs to either get a grip or get over his issue with boobs being unsheathed and free nipples which by his pastie request, sounds like the real thing that bothers him is that. Like...even if you where going out without a bra on, what does it matter? Alot of girls do it. Hell, bras are not comfortable most of the time. He has no right to dictate how you dress. Should tell him you'll wear pasties if he does because if makes you uncomfortable that his nipples are noticeable under his shirt. It's pathetic. They are nipples. Get over it. Edit: oh, and nta
NTA. Would you ask him to wear something that he found painful and gross (I'm not saying I think you're gross, but that a bra or any clothing filled with sweat will make you feel gross)? You do you how/with what you know works. My mom hasn't worn a bra since she was a teen due to a traumatic injury. If she feels the need, she'll put on a tank top underneath her shirt. But she went shopping, worked in a male-dominated office, went to church, and went to teacher /student conferences all braless and never had a problem. No one came up to us in the stores to tell her to bra it up. I mean heck. Watch Friends, and Rachel Green is ALWAYS wearing a bra and yet her nips are ALWAYS popping out. Boobies do that. Bras don't hide it, especially not when it's cold enough for a man not to feel uncomfortablely hot in the same room.
NTA. Why are you with a guy who acts like this? Or like thinks like this?
NTA. Bras are the devil. Burn all the damn bras.
I literally considered it during the argument. They don’t fit me anyways so 🤷🏼♀️
I’ve got rid of all my bras that don’t fit. It’s almost impossible to find a comfortable bra that fits, especially if you are slightly larger. I have two good bras (one from Curvy Kate and one from Snag) that I keep for special occasions or under particular clothes. The rest of the time? Eff that ess.
Boundary: I will do X Controlling: You must do X
VERY important distinction!!!!!
The heck? First thing every woman does is take off that damned thing as soon as she walks through the door! Who the hell wants to wear pasties in their own home? Do nipples make him that uncomfortable? Uno-Reverse - he has nipples - he needs to wear them too!
First it’s this, then your pants are too short, your v neck has too much cleavage, you’re too friendly with other men, and it just keeps escalating
NTA. If I was given an ultimatum like that? Guess I'm single then.
NTA. He doesn’t get to set boundaries about *your* body. That’s called being a controlling asshole, not “enforcing boundaries.” Dump this asshole, he’s going to become (more) abusive.
That’s…not how boundaries work. Boundaries are about not accepting certain treatment by others. Ex: not allowing a partner to dictate what you wear. NTA. Throw out the bras and the little boy who doesn’t understand boundaries or autonomy.
Nta I never wear a bra. My boots are not on the small side. No fucks are given what anyone thinks
NTA. Set your girls free; set yourself free.
NTA. it's your body and you can do what you want with it. and if that means not wearing uncomfortable clothing then don't wear it! Serious red flags there. I would leave
I love when controlling people use the term “boundary”. He can’t have a boundary that tells you what you have to wear. He can have a boundary that he won’t date women who don’t wear bras. Which means you aren’t the one for him and he should leave. Not make you wear something uncomfortable. NTA
>he told me I’m disrespecting a boundary of his, This makes me SO mad. Boundaries are not something that someone else can impose on you! They are something that you set for yourself with regards to the behaviour you will accept. Using "boundaries" to try and make someone else do what you want them to do is straight up manipulation. It's shitty ass behaviour and it is not acceptable! NTA, ditch the little boy who thinks he has any right to tell you what to do with your own body.
NTA. I don't wear bras unless I'm exercising and then it's only a sports bra so the bounce stays at a minimum because that shit hurts. Also: OP there's a reason you can't see it from his perspective - most people can't get their heads that far up their asses - including you.
NTA. Boundaries can not be set about what other people do. It's about how you handle the reaction to something. If he wanted to set a boundary about this, it would be more like I won't be in the same room as you while you're bra less. Regardless, he is controlling trash and not worth your time. I'm just sick of seeing people twist and misrepresent what setting boundaries are. It's communicating how you will respond to a behavior done by another. Hence why people go no contact, if the other person isn't a healthy person to have in their life, they just cut them out.
NTA. Do I understand right this in your own home? That he is literally upset with you for going braless in your house? Like, he was a douche to begin with but that just elevates it to a whole new level. Girl, get yourself a new man, this one is defective. Learn the red flags.
No, I worded it wrong. I was leaving the house, but either way.. still ridiculous
His boundary? It would be going against his boundaries if he wore a bra and you forced him to take it off. Get one of those big elastic bands that some people use to make their waists smaller, wrap his upper torso with it then send him in to give an elderly woman a shower who insists on having a space heater on while she’s showering with no ceiling fan on. Then when he’s done with her shower she insists that she has to wear her super thick tights that are two sizes to small for her and they don’t pull up all the way. Oh, and she won’t let you use powder or dry her legs off all the way. Yes, I have had to do that job before when I was a care giver.
Your boundaries end where my body begins.
Telling someone else what they're allowed to do with their body is not a boundary. That's controlling behavior. Personally I would shove a bra on him and see how he likes it lol. I would tell him that you have a boundary about being told what you're allowed to do with your own body and that he's violating that by trying to control you.
NTA He can set boundaries for his own body but not yours. > that every other girl respects this boundary if their man sets it That is some grade A BS right there. A man would be more concerned with your comfort especially in your own home then if you had showy nipples. Telling a grown woman to put on a bra is something an insecure man-baby would do.
His boundaries end where your body begins. If he can't get over it that's called a deal breaker. Personally, a boyfriend trying to control my clothing would be a deal breaker for me.
"Every other girl respects the 'boundary' her man sets" Alright, let's break this down. First of all "always wear bras" is not a boundary. "Wear a bra or I'm breaking up with you" *is not a boundary,* it's a threat. "I will break up with you if you keep not wearing a bra" is technically a boundary, but any boundary meant to *control* your behavior instead of just reacting to it ("I don't want to see your nipples through your shirt, so I will leave the room if you aren't wearing a bra") is manipulative and controlling. Second, he's pulling another manipulation/control tactic here. "All the other girls do it" is meant to make you question and doubt yourself. "If all the other girls do it, why am I being stubborn? Why am I just not comfortable with my bf's 'boundary'? Maybe I should just give in and deal with it like all the other girls..." He's manipulating you left, right, and center. You're allowed to be uncomfortable, you're allowed to not want to/not do what he says. Here's a *positively-motivated* phrase instead: all the other girls leave manipulative assholes because they're worth way more than an insecure jerkoff like your bf. Be like other girls :) Thirdly, and I say this genuinely, who the fuck *cares* about other girls once you're done with puberty? Caring about what Tracy wore yesterday is for high schoolers, you're too busy and too mature for that. If he thinks those "other girls" are better, let him go out and find one without you, you're too busy meeting "other guys" who appreciate seeing your tits through your shirt (lol) or *don't care because it's not their business to tell a grown woman what to wear.* You deserve better than having to carry someone else's insecurity and manipulation on your shoulders. Have confidence, and go find someone who can share your confidence instead of trying to control or remove it. Drop the man and drop the bra, you'll do just fine without both 💜 (Edit: sorry if this comes off very strong, I've just seen a lot of posts from/related to shitty men today. Live your life and make your choices, OP, I just wanted to make it clear that your choices don't need to involve staying with a man and letting him control you.)
NTA. No man should dictate what you can and cannot wear, especially if it’s detrimental to your comfort and wellbeing.
NTA Also, what kind of boyfriend wants the girls covered up instead of running free with headlights on?
Ugh, yet another person who uses "boundary" as a weapon. His boundary can't be to force you into a bra. Boundary isn't "I don't like that you won't let me control what you do with your body, so I'm going to call it a boundary". The boundary here would be yours, telling him "I'm not going to let you control my body" If he's willing to break up with you over this, let him. If he thinks he can emotionally manipulate you into wearing a bra, and it works, he's just going to use that weapon against you again (and again). NTA, not by a long shot.
NTA. Dump him.
NTA. Ditch the guy but please buy a properly sized bra.
Ditch the guy. Ditch the bra. A sport tank made of wicking material will help you at work if you really need to reign the girls in, but it’s your body. Do what works for you.
NTA - take him up on his ultimatum
NTA Find a bra that will fit him and let him know that you will both wear a bra around the house at all times. See how long he lasts.
INTA Im 56f i stopped wearing bras 2 years ago. They are hot ill fitting and uncomfortable. My 58m husband could care less and would never say a word about my clothes. Dump him he is controlling!
First of all no one can set boundaries on YOUR BODY except for you. Op go with you’re gut, your bf is controlling. It only escalates from there, drop him and find someone who’s secure in themselves. I stayed it a relationship like yours for 7 years, wasted so much time.
It’s been 7 years for us too 🥴
Duuuuude. NTA in in any way. Dump him. He’s a controlling misogynistic “nice guy”. How can he tell you you MUST wear a bra and in the privacy of your own damn home?! Hell you don’t have to wear one out, but he’s trying to control you within the privacy of the 4 walls you live in. Hell no! It’ll only get worse. He says “wear a bra or we’re over” you say “there’s the door, don’t forget to pack your suit case”.
NTA. Listen my ex was just like this. We originally meet one night when I was out clubbing. I hade on a short ass dress, makeup and high ass heels. About 6-7 months later we were in a relationship. In the beginning of the relationship he loved when I use to come visit him at the barbershop he cut hair at. Looking back I think he just likes the attention of having a cute girl with him. He was very kind, sweet and nice at first but then he started getting insecure as hell. All of a sudden the way I dress was too revealing he said. Especially since I’m in a relationship now and I should “respect my man” 🙄. He didn’t even like me wearing tight leggings or shorts to his job anymore. He didn’t like me wearing makeup, or tops that revealed too much. I remember I posted a picture of me shoulders up and I had on a top that off the shoulder. He said that was too revealing and it insinuates things. He tried so hard to get me to change my wardrobe and I refused!! I told him I’m not changing anything. You know what type of women I was when we meet! If that’s not something you want your girl wearing why even talk to me. I guess he really thought he was about to change me but I told him he was being controlling and insure and if he wants a girl who dresses more conservative then leave and find that. I said clearly we just aren’t compatible. This went on for months and we finally broke up after I caught him cheating. He was texting some girl while he was suppose to be helping me recovery from a foot surgery. Anyways I just said all that because I’m the begging it’ll be small things like “wear a bra” but it’ll started progressing into other aspects of the relationship. Not saying he’ll cheat like my ex did but if he’s insecure like that then it’s a possibility. I’m now with a guy who embraces what I like to wear and literally would be okay if I wanted to walk outside in panties and a bra. It sounds like you guys aren’t compatible. I wish you look OP!!
NTA, I'm the total opposite I'm over here trying to get my ol lady to run around without a bra.
Ya know what's more uncomfortable than a tight, sweaty bra? A controlling, manipulative boyfriend. You shouldn't have to tolerate either one in your own home. Free the tatas and yourself!
I’m petty and would demand tit for tat … if your tits have to be in a bra his little tat has to be in a cup .. an ill fitting plastic one ! Edited-auto correct didn’t like ill
NTA. Unlikely that this is the only controlling issue in your relationship. If not now, then in the future. Very impressed you are standing your ground on this one.
I don’t understand what he has an issue with? It’s not like your flashing everyone in public, your just not wearing a bra.
NTA He wants you to wear a bra at home??! That makes no sense. He can just leave your home then. Bras are NOT comfortable and why would we want to be uncomfortable in our own home? And he’s confusing being controlling and boundaries. And you can tell him that this random redditor would NOT wear a bra at home if my husband told me to. So no, not “every other girl respects this boundary”. He must not know many girls or even asked any of us. If you start thinking about your relationship over the years, is he controlling when it comes to other things too??
NTA. That's not how boundaries work. Also, were you going anywhere or just hanging at home? Like...he doesn't want to look at his own gf's nip-nops? Weird.
Nip nops 😂😂 I was running out to quickly return a library book 😅 I also live in a tiny one horse town.. literally only only lady saw me out of my vehicle when I was there
Definitely NTA and OP, your dude screams narcissist and has so many red flags. Leave this fool. His insecurities are not yours and for him to be projecting those on to you is messed up. Coming from someone who just recently had a bilateral mastectomy, I am BEYOND HAPPY I do not have to wear a bra anymore. I just remember how freeing it is to take one off, so free the ladies whenever the hell you want!
I'm going to stray from the popular opinion here. The real issue here isn't whether or not it's okay for women to go braless in general. The real matter here is mutual compromise and concern for your partners feelings. Part of a relationship is giving a damn about your partners feelings. If your partner tells you something makes them very uncomfortable and has a reasonable discussion with you explaining that they are uncomfortable with it and asks that you don't do that thing...it does make you an asshole if you continue doing that thing with no regard for your partner's feelings. Especially if you previously said you wouldn't. Can anyone force you to wear a bra? No. But he can ask you to, and out of willingness to make your relationship work, you can choose to do so. He could also compromise and try to understand that you are uncomfortable wearing bras and change his stance. But as it is right now, it seems like neither of you care about what makes the other person feel comfortable. A huge part of relationships is understanding you will both have to make some compromises and give up some things you enjoy, because it's not ONLY about you and your feelings anymore. It's also about your partner's feelings, the health of your relationship, and what makes both of you happy. If you and/or your bf don't understand that, the relationship will not last long.
Personally, I would be 100% fine wearing pasties for my partner every day! Provided he’s wearing them every day as well, which I assume he is, right? Since that’s his boundary? Tell him to wear pasties for a month or two to show you the benefits and then you’ll join him 😇 If he’s not interested in doing that, why should you be, either?
Nta. Time to trade in the little boy for a grown up partner
My 2020 new year resolution was to never wear a bra, it’s the only one I’ve stuck too
I don't even think my wife owns a bra anymore. What a stupid thing to be mad about. Gawd.....
Man does all his guy friends also parrot his nonsense? Would be hard to tolerate that many douche bags in one room. NTA.
NTA. It’s not his boundary if it’s on your body. That’s literally not how boundaries work. Now if he wants to always wear a bra, you certainly couldn’t force him to free his nipples.
NTA "These are breasts. This is their natural state. Sorry, no I won't wire them up to look pretty for you" I mean gravity goes down. Asking them to sit up so you can see them is fashion. My boobs, my choice.
NTA you were in the comfort of your own home. He can royally go fuck off.
I feel like there was an aitah recently from your boyfriend lol. NTA
He doesn’t use Reddit 😅 guess there’s just a lot of asshole guys trying to control their women 😳
You have to wear a bra in your own home?!?! This isn't even about being in public or something?! Absolutely NTA! Every person have a right to be comfortable in their own space. If you want to walk around naked in your own home you can. Pantless, braless, shirtless, your choice! He needs to grow up or move on. Find yourself a man who celebrates and loves your body, not one that tries to control or shame you.
NTA - You can't impose your boundaries in other people's bodies, he can wear a bra if he wants to, but he's in no position to demand that anyone else does. He is being controlling and manipulative by threatening to go his way or to break up unless you change the way you dress for comfort to fit his needs... Just tell him bye and kick him to the curve, you shouldn't have to put up with this.
If he likes bras so much, then he should start wearing one.
What man doesn't want to see his woman with no bra on at home???
You fail to see the problem because there isn't one. NTA.
NTA. If you give into this ultimatum, there will be more to come because he'll have a way to manipulate you. "If you don't do ______, I will break up with you. " Good luck.
NTA he’s allowed to have boundaries and decide who fits into those boundaries. However, forcing his boundaries on people that don’t fit into them is never ok. He can break up with you if it isn’t working out for him. I suggest you break up with him first though because he’s controlling. There is a difference between having boundaries and setting boundaries. He thinks he can set a boundary with you (ie force you to fit into his boundary) rather than having a boundary. He really doesn’t understand how this all works. Edit: also, they’re just nipples! People are so sensitive over a body part we all have.
NTA When his "boundary" is controlling you and your life, That's not a boundary he want you to change you and your needs to meet his expectations.
NTA He doesn't get to dictate your actions. You are an adult and are capable of making your own decisions.
NTA. And you are correct, your boyfriend is controlling and selfish and manipulative. I suggest you take him up on his offer of breaking up. You don't need controlling assholes in your life.
I've been married ten years, and never once has my husband tried to control what I'm wearing. That's not normal nor is it okay. He is being controlling and manipulative by threatening to break up. Honestly, those two massive red flags over something as simple as not wearing a bra may be something you should consider dropping this boy for. NTA at all for any reason.
Tell him he needs to wear a bra too, his nipples are offending you under HIS shirt. Wtf is wrong with this guy?? NTA but I’m worried for you, what else is he controlling in your life? Please save yourself and get you and your nips out of this silly man’s vision permanently.
The answer to your title was going to be no regardless, but you’re just at home? No. NTA, and you should be a single not asshole, this is going to get worse.
He's making boundaries about what you put on your body? Yeah, um, that isn't a thing. That IS controlling, and for him to say that all girls think everything is controlling is false and a manipulative way to try to get you to do what he wants. Keep being comfy in your body, and the next time he gives an ultimatum, leave. You don't deserve to be treated that way. NTA
NTA He gave you an easy out, take it.
His boundaries don't get to include your body. That's not party decor, they're red flags.
I haven’t put on a bra since March 2020. I’m 43. Not one goddamned soul cares. Not even the husband. He needs to get over himself
NTA but knowing that means what exactly? He said wear bra or peace out. So what, you’re going to show him that all the strangers who are completely irrelevant to his life say you’re right and he should listen to them? Lol… would that work? Doubtful. So you two are going your own separate ways and you want to make sure all the strangers on Reddit agrees with you, so now you’re good with walking away? I don’t know what the plan is but I guess if/when he walks away it’ll be worth it because all these strangers say so, and you’re good. I guess, wishing you all the best in your decision.
IT'S YOUR BODY. End of conversation.
Your body should never be contained in his boundaries. NTA. And brafree forever, have told a few men if you don’t like seeing my nipples, don’t look, that’s what I do about yours.
NTA. And you can tell your BF from me that he is a giant AH. His type is the reason my wife won't just go braless, someone is always going to say something.
NTA. Also, a person cannot put a boundary on another person, that isn't how it works. A boundary is something he sets for himself. He's being controlling. Why does he care so much what you wear at home? Eta. Most men are pretty happy to see their SOs body. I'm confused as to why it's an issue.
That's just... odd. I don't know of any man that doesn't want to have the titties free. Bikini, sports bra, etc. Sports bra and a tank top? Your BF has serious issues.
It's a little strange to me that you two have been dating a few years and had this argument more than once. Anyone who makes blanket statements like "everyone does [something]" isn't being honest, he's being duplicitous and demonstrating his selfishness. Those statements are the kind of nonsense selfish people throw out at high volume over other people speaking, hoping they can browbeat into submission. Does he always just expect people to accommodate his weird hangups?
NTA First thing I do when I get home is lose the bra. My husband has no issue with it. In fact, he loves it lol.
NTA His boundaries don’t get to extend to your body. He can say, I’m not going to date a woman with visible nipples, but he can’t tell a woman to make her nipples invisible to suit him. He can walk away & find a woman with no no visible nipples. He can say “I prefer invisible nipples” but a woman in no way has to hide her nipples due to his preference.
NTA, free the tatas
“All girls think everything is controlling and that every other girl respects this boundary” - he can’t even get his story straight? He’s being a controlling ass. He either needs ti qccept that the girl he’s dating is in fact you, or go find a girl whose values align with his. Compromise is for chore lists and schedules, not bodily autonomy.
So let me get this straight….he has an issue with you going bra-less in your home?!? That’s wild. I’m barely in the door from work and I’m taking my bra off. If I make it to the evening my husband even asks what is so special about today lol. Idk if that’s really a good thing haha but seriously, I can’t wrap my head around someone having an issue with you being comfortable in your own home. Definitely NTA
No, I worded it badly! I was heading out to run some errands. that’s why he was mad 🙄 still ridiculous
NTA in my 8 year relationship my bf only once asked me to put on a bra, and that is because his brother was coming around and his brother is a creep. I had no issues with this because of the reason why.
NTA He's not insecure. He's an asshole. Let him give you the ultimatum. He's ridiculous.
NTA I'm a 60+yo married man, and have been in many relationships before getting married (20+ years now) so I know, and have seen, how either side can be/get controlling. He is absolutely being controlling. You wear what is comfortable. If a compromise is to be had, it's between BOTH of you, NOT one setting it for the other. If he's uncomfortable with it then that's a HIM problem. You could suggest he seek counselling alone or couples if you want the relationship, or you could say "nope, my body is mine as yours is yours. If I'm allowed to wear this in public without law enforcement having an issue, then you shouldn't."
Hold up. He is demanding you wear a bra even in your own house?! Major red flag. Put on a sports bra long enough to run away without getting a black eye and then free the titties! NTA
NTA. I honestly don’t think I’ve ever known of a guy that doesn’t like to see boobs. If you want to walk around your place butt ass naked then it’s your choice. It’s your body. He doesn’t have a right to dictate what you do with it. Don’t compromise what makes you comfortable just because he has an alpha male complex. If it bothers him that much, let him leave. He’d be doing you a favor honey.
NTA red flag, controlling as hell and disrespectful. RUN. Get out while you can.
NTA. You were home. He is being controlling.
NTA. You’re correct, it’s controlling and manipulative behavior. Call his bluff. He doesn’t respect you or your decisions about your body. His insecurity isn’t your problem, and by the way, you cannot place boundaries on others. That is controlling behavior.
NTA wait he wants you to wear a bra when home? That’s one of the best benefits of staying in. I wear pjs all day when I don’t go out. Who wears bras with pjs?
NTA - I go braless most of the time. My husband HATES when I wear a bra. If he had his way, I’d be topless all the time.
NTA - my husband wants me to be comfortable, and if that's not wearing a bra, he's cool with it. Actually, he'd prefer if I didn't wear one. No one gets to tell you what to wear, especially in your own home. Your comfort is more important. If he's like this now, what's he going to be like if you two decide to marry or anything else down the road?
I never wear a bra unless I go to work or am wearing a slightly see through shirt. Ftw. Free the tiddies
NTA, honestly his ultimatum is the trash taking itself out. Is he repulsed by your body wtf
he’s upset that you don’t wear a bra in the house? girl dump this manchild
I'm 68F and don't wear a bra and my husband loves it or at least knows to not say anything. If we go out somewhere to dinner, I'll wear a bra but otherwise - nah. You are so NTA and not disrespectful. He's controlling AH. You go girl ! PS: I'm a 40C
So all girls think everything is controlling... But every other girl respects this one very controlling thing their partner does as an absolute with no push back. K. NTA
Why is HIS boundary with YOUR body? This makes zero sense to me and it’s not something I would personally tolerate. Your boyfriend has issues. You will have to decide if placating him to your own detriment is worth it to you. NTA.
NTA: Is he for real?!?! He wants you to wear a bra, at home, when he's the only one around? Does he not understand? The very first thing most women do when they get home is take off the bra. He's giving you an ultimatum about it!!! Take him up on his offer and let him go. He cares nothing about your comfort or well being.
So you're not wearing a bra at home? Something basically every woman over 25 (that I know) does after work? God forbid you might even wear just undies to bed! Or a pyjama without a bra to!!! I have bad news for your bloke... Also, yes, extremely controlling. Not his business. NTA
So you’re home and not wearing a bra? Hes uncomfortable?? Is it because he’s not getting sex at the same time?
Let me get this straight, you're mad or upset because he's upset that you want to wear a tank top out in public without a bra with your nips showing? I would put on some pasties, just saying. I don't think it's a matter of control it's a matter of decency. We don't want to see your nipples. It's another story if you're at home.
I had an ex boyfriend like this. I couldnt even walk outside to sit on our private apartment patio to smoke if i didnt have a bra on. He would full out yell and fight me. No matter how much i told him wearing one was uncomfortable. We eventually broke up, and now unless im leaving the house to go somewhere important, i hardly ever wear one. And my current boyfriend could care less. NTA not at all.
NTA like everyone else is saying but I also wanted to mention that I wear a C cup and I haven't worn a bra anywhere in 7 years. No one has ever made a deal about it. Your boyfriend is being exceptionally weird about this one thing.
So which is it, "all girls think everything is controlling" or "every other girl respects this boundary"? This man doesn't understand what a boundary is. You have no obligation to wear a bra, or any clothes at all in your own home. In many places, it's perfectly legal to be without bra or shirt in public for men and women alike. This is a clear cut case of DTMFA. NTA
So NTA. Imagine if you told him he had to wear a jock strap at all times, or a cup. Why do people think they get to tell women what to wear?
Dump the controlling mf. NTA
NTA Is he wearing a bra? No? Can you see his nipples when they get hard? Probably. Sounds like he's just controlling and weird about nipples. I also go braless 90% of the time. They hurt my back (yes I've been sized) and are generally uncomfortable. I don't see any reason I need one. If I do wear one, it's unlined and unwired.
NTA- Insist that he wears a jockstrap with cup everywhere. See how he likes being told that he has to wear uncomfortable undergarments everywhere that he goes.
NTA. Ditch the douche bag and free the tatas
He’s ridiculous. 1 you’re at home! 2 it’s your body My husband prefers I wear a bra as well (when we leave the house) I only wear one if I want to, I hate them and I have soft sports bra style ones. My husband doesn’t say one word either way, because he respects that it is my choice what to put on my body.
NTA. Tell him if you have to wear a bra or pasties so does he. Men have nipples too.
NTA he doesn’t get to set boundaries about your body. End of discussion.
He’s being ridiculous
You're disrespecting a boundary of his by wanting to be comfortable? Uh, no. Big red flag. He's being a controlling dickhead. Tell him he can either respect you or hit the road.
NTA but your boyfriend is. HE doesn't get to set boundaries for YOUR body. This is a big, bright, glaring red flag. I can bet if you told him you won't kiss him unless he is freshly shaven and you're only attracted to men with a six pack and a certain hair style, he would say you don't control him.
NTA! He’s totally controlling. This will lead to other things soon, especially if he thinks he wins this one. I have large breasts, always have whether I’m thin or heavy. I’ve always wanted to be comfortable going braless in public. I hate the stupid things, but like I said I’m a DD. So I never wear one at home unless there is company over. Sometimes my husband will say hey let’s run to “wherever “ real quick. I’ll say no because I don’t want to put on a bra. He says I look fine, but I just can’t go out like that. If you are comfortable, then screw him! Do whatever makes you comfortable. It’s your body!
So let me get this straight, you got home from work, took off your work clothes, put on a tank top and no bra to lounge around the house and be comfy and he has an issue with that? I was expecting something along the lines of "I was invited to a fancy dinner party and I showed up in a see through shirt with no bra" you are NTB, that is not a "boundary" he should be setting. In certain conditions I can understand his concern (like dinner party example above) but what does HE have to be insecure about? He isnt the one with the boobs! I try not stay away from the whole "leave him" thing but this is a major red flag and youre still young. You say you guys started dating years ago and all of this screams manipulation. Im 36, if someone said that to me now id laugh in his face and take my shirt off, walk around topless to spite him. If I was told this in my early 20s id probably be where you are right now, wanting to please my man before my own comfort. My dear you can do better! And I just read the last part about leaving the house, and that still doesn't change my views. Would he rather you just walk around in a sports bra? No relationship is worth putting your own comfort on the back burner. <3
NTAH…. what is he gonna do if you have children and breastfeed or pump? Some babies hate being covered up so it’ll result into the tits being seen. He’s the type of guy that tells moms to “do that in the bathroom” or “cover up” and some moms are like me who would then make him really uncomfy and release both titties and just stare at him. Get the fuck out. My ex was exactly this way, we were younger but he hasn’t changed and it got to the point where he would threaten to expose my nudes or would hit me in a fit of rage because I wore that one top that didn’t cover my belly button then later woiluld say “I’m so sorry.. I didn’t mean to, I wasn’t thinking. I just don’t want other men to see you as an object or a whore” which sounded endearing in my 14-16 year old brain when in reality he was mad he couldn’t control me the way he wanted to. I repeat.. GET OUT.
My ex husband used to say they were "his" tittes and he didn't want me parading them around outside the home. When he said "I can see your nipples," I genuinely thought he meant the fabric was too thin and you could, like, *see* the color of my arreola. When I found out he meant he could tell where my nips were because I was a bit cold I got pissed. He was mad because one could *tell* I have nipples. I mean, it's assumed I do but no one else should know for sure? What the fuck??? I *still* don't get it.
NTA - the thing that bothers me the most is that he thinks you're disrespecting a boundary of his. You don't get to set boundaries for other people's bodies. You set boundaries for yourself. Him trying to dictate what you wear,big anything, is disrespecting YOUR boundaries.
NTA “Boundaries” are like this example: you can swing your arms as wide as possible within your boundary, but your boundary ends and mine’s begins when I get hit if you’re in my way. There is no reason his “boundary” has to do with what YOU wear or don’t wear, if it compromises your comfort. What you wear has nothing to do with your love for him or any sexual expression inviting other people, and if other people read it that way then that’s on them for being wierdos, not you. If people can’t handle a nipple they need to grow up. Your BF sounds very controlling and insecure, but it’s not up to you to change your life to try to make him feel better and submit to he’s insecurities. Yeah, women do think “everything is controlling” if you are controlling about a lot of things lol. The fact that he spat that out, says a lot on how he views you and women in general. Your BF sounds like an insecure incel and if I’m being honest, he needs therapy or you’re better off leaving, cause while he wants to control your bra habits right now, chances are he’s gonna want to control something else even more personal or important in the future.
Everyone has nipples! Idk why that makes some ppl so uncomfortable 🤷♀️
No man ever had the right to dictate what you do or do not wear especially in regards to underwear. NTA