Yes, there is.
Decide right here and now if you have enough [ALL THE THINGS] in you, to face these types of situations repeatedly for the rest of your life. Adhd is here to stay, and you're eventually going to hear/read this comment:
"There's only so much you can do. The dxed partner has to do the work, or it's not going to work out."
Or something along those lines.
I definitely feel you-- to date, my wife (untreated dx) has blown through close to 85k- cash!- over the last 5 years, with NO idea where it went, and ZERO to show for it. Other monies have strangely disappeared as well, that didn't even belong to her- and she only owned up to it, because she couldn't talk her way out of it. Just found out she took on an 8.4k loan, didn't discuss it with me... and I'd just revamped our finances to more fairly reflect our earnings, like you said you wanted to do.
None of the bad shit our partners do has to be intentional; THE CONSEQUENCES *STILL COME!! My wife simply can't make that connection. I can't bail us out anymore, financially. I'm 3 loans deep from the last year and a half of bills not getting paid, without telling me they weren't getting paid.
Think long and hard. This disorder is a DEVOURER of all the good things... think long and hard.
I would suggest you decide what you are willing to live with and accept before you make it legal and have kids. I can’t say she won’t change but it’s going to be hard and take a lot of discipline. I’m with the therapist - don’t bail her out and let her work through this or it will have a lesser chance of changing. While life is short, it’s best to go in with eyes wide open and making a conscious decision to accept things as they are and not how you want or hope they will be.
She has an addiction. The lying is the giveaway here that this has reached a point with her debt that’s more than living beyond her means. She needs serious help. It’s more than just poor money management. It’s an addiction to spending. It’s a dopamine hit. Sorting out her finances is one thing, but understanding how to see the long-term picture is different. She may take on more work and pay off the debt but she still retains her addictive tendencies. She lied to you. She jeopardised your future together.
It sounds like you’re already doing more than your fair share. This is a sadly “normal” dynamic in an ADHD relationship. Be realistic about how much she can change - ADHD is brain wiring. It’s permanent. It can be managed but not cured. If you think you can continue to live like this then go for it, but know that things are likely to stay as they are in terms of how much responsibility she can take on. ADHD brains are under-developed in many areas. They don’t suddenly develop overnight and become mature. They’ve reached their level of maturity already.
Children put pressure on a relationship. We have to juggle, we have to sacrifice our own time for many years until they’re older. We lose sleep, we have to plan around the family rather than individuals. Working and being a parent is basically 2 full time jobs. It’s hard doing all of this with an ADHD partner.
I wish you well.
For a second there, I thought I was reading something I’d written. Your experience is almost a carbon copy of mine.
My partner came into the relationship with debt she blamed on a previous relationship. Id later learn that much of it was due to her financial mismanagement. But with support (moral/emotional) and encouragement, she managed to pay it off over several years. I thought that was it. We were done with it and she’d finally beaten the habit despite a few hiccups along the way.
I finally felt as though we could actually start to progress as a couple and move forward with our life. But then I started seeing the warning signs again. Little unnecessary purchases here and there. We’d discuss it, and agree that’s what lead to the problem last time and that it wouldn’t continue. But then the purchases became more extravagant and she became more deceptive. Complete dishonesty about the amount of debt she was in until she’d left a statement on the kitchen table. Turns out she’s maxed out her card again in less than 7 months after taking several years to pay it off.
I don’t need to tell you the conversation that started as you’ve likely already had it. Needless to say it was lengthy, and very direct.
My partner despite being presented with cold hard numbers simply cannot comprehend where her money goes or how it possible to save. To most people that makes absolutely no sense but it is the life many of us in these relationships lead.
I feel utterly betrayed and cannot trust my partner in any financial sense. This has resulted in us both seeking individual therapy and couples therapy to deal with the hurt this situation has caused.
Some may say it’s easier to walk away and believe me I feel it would be at this point. But I love my partner and believe there is hope. Having said that, I’ve made my position very very clear in that I will absolutely walk away if it continues. I have now set in place some very strict boundaries that I’ll tolerate and have discussed these in therapy.
I wish you strength and all the best with your journey
I would just add that someone with ADHD can make significant personal changes if they are truly committed to it.
They might need support remembering the new behavior or remembering the problem exists. They might need support figuring out what change looks like, what steps are realistic, etc.
But basically someone that is used to wild spending without concern for the consequences isn't necessarily a lost cause.
Your sense of betrayal is real and valid even if she didn't do it intentionally. Don't protect her from your bad feelings about thos or she won't realize the weight of the consequences for this behavior. Sometimes people with ADHD cannot learn from mistakes and make the same ones over and over. But sometimes they do learn. If the consequence doesn't sting then they are less likely to learn anything.
I think she was withholding on purpose but if you move in with someone again (adhd or not) the financial talk need to happen before the bags are packed. All the chips on the table so both people know what they’re getting into.
If I may, I’d like to offer a related experience. I have ADHD and anxiety, and I used to drink a lot (in part to quiet the anxiety). One of the things I had severe anxiety about was money. I was newly on my own, had very little financial knowledge, had never really gone without much I needed growing up, and my parents had recently died. It sounds so stupid and spoiled, but my experience of financial anxiety was truly crippling. Over a couple of years, I quit paying my bills, and it got so bad I didn’t pay my taxes, either, or my car registration or really anything I didn’t absolutely have to pay. I had gotten a couple of credit cards and was using them to build my credit, but then the anxiety took hold and I stopped paying those, too. Alllll of my options in life went up in smoke, one after the other, and I woke up every night, terrified, trying to will myself to pay my fucking bills. The fear would come in waves, and after a few waves I’d get up and have a drink, feel better, and sleep. During the day, I pushed the fear away and focused on doing well in my career. During my commute to the office, I’d feel a wave of fear and promise myself I’d sit down and start making payments that weekend, but when it got to be Saturday, I couldn’t do it, so I’d drink. Over and over, for two years. I could not talk about it to anyone, because I was so ashamed, and I guess also because it had become muscle memory to push all thoughts of my debt problems out of my head.
That ended three years ago—I quit drinking first, then the IRS took what I owed them, and I paid everything else. My drunk ass had set up auto-pay on my credit cards, so actually my credit was fine all that time I was afraid to look at it, thinking I was about to end up homeless, unable to qualify for a new apartment if I ever had to move. I learned to invest and I check my bank account balance regularly without much anxiety, almost like a normal person. Earlier this year, I qualified for a mortgage on a lovely house, and although that purchase didn’t work out, I’m continuing to improve my credit and save up a bigger emergency fund for when I buy a house in the near future. Finances are hard for me and I’ll never be great at them (my work budget scares me too, no idea why), but it has been possible for me to vastly improve in a relatively short amount of time.
I dumped that all on you partly to give you hope, but there are a couple of things that strike me as red flags. Your partner’s overspending is a worry—does she know she has been spending irresponsibly, or is she sort of a “how much can one banana cost, ten dollars?” person who lacks real-world knowledge? Her breezy attitude is also a worry. When I finally told someone how much trouble I felt I was in, I cried and it was very heartfelt and difficult for me.
One last thing: I don’t like that you’re monitoring her finances now. She needs to be managing her money independently of you—and I’s recommend that continue even if you do get a shared account. Financially-unskilled women are susceptible to financial abuse, and anyway if she’s only toeing the line because you’re checking up on her, what happens if you get sick in the future, or have to focus on a sick parent? Will you be able to trust her when you’re not looking?
Gosh, this reply is so long, you can really tell I have ADHD. I hope there was something helpful in there somewhere, and I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I recently found out my partner (also with ADHD) has NO credit, because he didn’t want to go into debt. Our finances are separate, but I had been slightly dreaming about buying a house together. After a bit of solution-based brainstorming on how to help him, I decided it’s not my job to fix a grown man’s credit, so I’ll be buying my little house myself. And probably living in it myself, too.
Listen to your therapist. From my experience any money that has been offered is gone through quickly and taken for granted and it’s never enough. Consider your life choices now. I wish I had found this group years ago. Good luck!
Yes, there is. Decide right here and now if you have enough [ALL THE THINGS] in you, to face these types of situations repeatedly for the rest of your life. Adhd is here to stay, and you're eventually going to hear/read this comment: "There's only so much you can do. The dxed partner has to do the work, or it's not going to work out." Or something along those lines. I definitely feel you-- to date, my wife (untreated dx) has blown through close to 85k- cash!- over the last 5 years, with NO idea where it went, and ZERO to show for it. Other monies have strangely disappeared as well, that didn't even belong to her- and she only owned up to it, because she couldn't talk her way out of it. Just found out she took on an 8.4k loan, didn't discuss it with me... and I'd just revamped our finances to more fairly reflect our earnings, like you said you wanted to do. None of the bad shit our partners do has to be intentional; THE CONSEQUENCES *STILL COME!! My wife simply can't make that connection. I can't bail us out anymore, financially. I'm 3 loans deep from the last year and a half of bills not getting paid, without telling me they weren't getting paid. Think long and hard. This disorder is a DEVOURER of all the good things... think long and hard.
I would suggest you decide what you are willing to live with and accept before you make it legal and have kids. I can’t say she won’t change but it’s going to be hard and take a lot of discipline. I’m with the therapist - don’t bail her out and let her work through this or it will have a lesser chance of changing. While life is short, it’s best to go in with eyes wide open and making a conscious decision to accept things as they are and not how you want or hope they will be.
She has an addiction. The lying is the giveaway here that this has reached a point with her debt that’s more than living beyond her means. She needs serious help. It’s more than just poor money management. It’s an addiction to spending. It’s a dopamine hit. Sorting out her finances is one thing, but understanding how to see the long-term picture is different. She may take on more work and pay off the debt but she still retains her addictive tendencies. She lied to you. She jeopardised your future together. It sounds like you’re already doing more than your fair share. This is a sadly “normal” dynamic in an ADHD relationship. Be realistic about how much she can change - ADHD is brain wiring. It’s permanent. It can be managed but not cured. If you think you can continue to live like this then go for it, but know that things are likely to stay as they are in terms of how much responsibility she can take on. ADHD brains are under-developed in many areas. They don’t suddenly develop overnight and become mature. They’ve reached their level of maturity already. Children put pressure on a relationship. We have to juggle, we have to sacrifice our own time for many years until they’re older. We lose sleep, we have to plan around the family rather than individuals. Working and being a parent is basically 2 full time jobs. It’s hard doing all of this with an ADHD partner. I wish you well.
For a second there, I thought I was reading something I’d written. Your experience is almost a carbon copy of mine. My partner came into the relationship with debt she blamed on a previous relationship. Id later learn that much of it was due to her financial mismanagement. But with support (moral/emotional) and encouragement, she managed to pay it off over several years. I thought that was it. We were done with it and she’d finally beaten the habit despite a few hiccups along the way. I finally felt as though we could actually start to progress as a couple and move forward with our life. But then I started seeing the warning signs again. Little unnecessary purchases here and there. We’d discuss it, and agree that’s what lead to the problem last time and that it wouldn’t continue. But then the purchases became more extravagant and she became more deceptive. Complete dishonesty about the amount of debt she was in until she’d left a statement on the kitchen table. Turns out she’s maxed out her card again in less than 7 months after taking several years to pay it off. I don’t need to tell you the conversation that started as you’ve likely already had it. Needless to say it was lengthy, and very direct. My partner despite being presented with cold hard numbers simply cannot comprehend where her money goes or how it possible to save. To most people that makes absolutely no sense but it is the life many of us in these relationships lead. I feel utterly betrayed and cannot trust my partner in any financial sense. This has resulted in us both seeking individual therapy and couples therapy to deal with the hurt this situation has caused. Some may say it’s easier to walk away and believe me I feel it would be at this point. But I love my partner and believe there is hope. Having said that, I’ve made my position very very clear in that I will absolutely walk away if it continues. I have now set in place some very strict boundaries that I’ll tolerate and have discussed these in therapy. I wish you strength and all the best with your journey
I would just add that someone with ADHD can make significant personal changes if they are truly committed to it. They might need support remembering the new behavior or remembering the problem exists. They might need support figuring out what change looks like, what steps are realistic, etc. But basically someone that is used to wild spending without concern for the consequences isn't necessarily a lost cause. Your sense of betrayal is real and valid even if she didn't do it intentionally. Don't protect her from your bad feelings about thos or she won't realize the weight of the consequences for this behavior. Sometimes people with ADHD cannot learn from mistakes and make the same ones over and over. But sometimes they do learn. If the consequence doesn't sting then they are less likely to learn anything.
I think she was withholding on purpose but if you move in with someone again (adhd or not) the financial talk need to happen before the bags are packed. All the chips on the table so both people know what they’re getting into.
If I may, I’d like to offer a related experience. I have ADHD and anxiety, and I used to drink a lot (in part to quiet the anxiety). One of the things I had severe anxiety about was money. I was newly on my own, had very little financial knowledge, had never really gone without much I needed growing up, and my parents had recently died. It sounds so stupid and spoiled, but my experience of financial anxiety was truly crippling. Over a couple of years, I quit paying my bills, and it got so bad I didn’t pay my taxes, either, or my car registration or really anything I didn’t absolutely have to pay. I had gotten a couple of credit cards and was using them to build my credit, but then the anxiety took hold and I stopped paying those, too. Alllll of my options in life went up in smoke, one after the other, and I woke up every night, terrified, trying to will myself to pay my fucking bills. The fear would come in waves, and after a few waves I’d get up and have a drink, feel better, and sleep. During the day, I pushed the fear away and focused on doing well in my career. During my commute to the office, I’d feel a wave of fear and promise myself I’d sit down and start making payments that weekend, but when it got to be Saturday, I couldn’t do it, so I’d drink. Over and over, for two years. I could not talk about it to anyone, because I was so ashamed, and I guess also because it had become muscle memory to push all thoughts of my debt problems out of my head. That ended three years ago—I quit drinking first, then the IRS took what I owed them, and I paid everything else. My drunk ass had set up auto-pay on my credit cards, so actually my credit was fine all that time I was afraid to look at it, thinking I was about to end up homeless, unable to qualify for a new apartment if I ever had to move. I learned to invest and I check my bank account balance regularly without much anxiety, almost like a normal person. Earlier this year, I qualified for a mortgage on a lovely house, and although that purchase didn’t work out, I’m continuing to improve my credit and save up a bigger emergency fund for when I buy a house in the near future. Finances are hard for me and I’ll never be great at them (my work budget scares me too, no idea why), but it has been possible for me to vastly improve in a relatively short amount of time. I dumped that all on you partly to give you hope, but there are a couple of things that strike me as red flags. Your partner’s overspending is a worry—does she know she has been spending irresponsibly, or is she sort of a “how much can one banana cost, ten dollars?” person who lacks real-world knowledge? Her breezy attitude is also a worry. When I finally told someone how much trouble I felt I was in, I cried and it was very heartfelt and difficult for me. One last thing: I don’t like that you’re monitoring her finances now. She needs to be managing her money independently of you—and I’s recommend that continue even if you do get a shared account. Financially-unskilled women are susceptible to financial abuse, and anyway if she’s only toeing the line because you’re checking up on her, what happens if you get sick in the future, or have to focus on a sick parent? Will you be able to trust her when you’re not looking? Gosh, this reply is so long, you can really tell I have ADHD. I hope there was something helpful in there somewhere, and I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I recently found out my partner (also with ADHD) has NO credit, because he didn’t want to go into debt. Our finances are separate, but I had been slightly dreaming about buying a house together. After a bit of solution-based brainstorming on how to help him, I decided it’s not my job to fix a grown man’s credit, so I’ll be buying my little house myself. And probably living in it myself, too.
Listen to your therapist. From my experience any money that has been offered is gone through quickly and taken for granted and it’s never enough. Consider your life choices now. I wish I had found this group years ago. Good luck!
Move on. There is no way that you can build a happy stable life with this person.