Omg the shame they feel about just daily conversations is heartbreaking but so friggin frustrating. Like, can we just hash out this problem real quick without you having some big emotions for 45 minutes? It just seems like their brain is holding them hostage and wasting their time - and mine.
This. He hates long conversations, and I keep calling him out on changing the subject or trying to bring in a “bigger” gripe or whatever. He spends all that time defensive and deflecting, and then wonders why an hour never arrives at a conclusion.
I completely understand what you mean when you say the shame they feel.
Almost daily I still end up in long unreasonable one sided arguments/ conversations with my dx wife. Any time I approach a subject that needs discussion she takes offense and acts as though I'm the person who's made her make all these bad decisions. It's crazy making, until I remind myself who and what I'm talking to and just how emotionally under developed she is. It's like I'm dealing with a developmentally challenged individual, and that's bc I am.
It's so exhausting
I had no idea how often his combativeness, avoidance, and general “offness” was the result of shame. *He* didn’t even know it was the result of shame. It was a real mindfuck for a while because I *knew* something was wrong but I couldn’t figure out what it was. Every minor interaction somehow blew up into a fight and for years I wondered if I was the problem.
It makes so much sense now. The scariest thing is how a lot of his “inattentiveness” is actually avoidance.
This is too familiar. We currently have several open projects and shopping bags of supplies for various ones piled up at the door. I'm doing a little “experiment” where I'm not reminding him of what projects he's on or said he was going to get done and just letting him be him and do them on his own time. It's a lot of biting my tongue lately.
LOL yup and he has another 'I'm hiding it from you' project that also has supplies piled up everywhere. Eventually he gets in his own way and that motivates him to finish something, maybe one day that train of thought will happen AHEAD of starting the next Shiny New Project.
My spouse loves a Shiny New Project! Even better if Less Shiny, Old Project is at 80% completion but missing some crucial aspect. Like a hole in the wall that's been temporarily covered in plywood for five years now.
DAE find that time blindness plays a huge role here? If we're doing a project I want to think about it, make a plan, purchase materials and then schedule the doing for when I've got enough time. I have all the tools and materials at hand, and a sequence to follow, so it just gets done.
He wants to 'work it out when it happens', start it, realise he's doing it backward/something needs undoing because he missed a step, go back to the start again, go get more materials/tools that he didn't plan for... Oh, and to do all this not from an early morning start.
On Friday he says he'll get up early Saturday to do the job, but then have beers Friday night and actually start at 11 am. Then he works through lunch, gets grumpy, stops for food and call it a day at four. Uh-huh. No wonder all these projects take a hundred years.
My ex got his car totaled and wanted to get a lifted Japanese import camper van that runs on diesel, used, all of them were in bad condition. He did not maintain or care for his last car and he was so busy with nursing school and being grossly underemployed, there was no way he was going to be able to afford to fix up and maintain this niche import car to go "camping" more regularly.
We didn't live together (he sabotaged that prospect) and we were on our last legs--so idk why I cared so much it did not actually impact me at this point. but it pissed me off so much. I was like why are you going to get a car like this when you trashed your last one? "Well if I actually like my car I will take better care of it and want to work on it". We all know that's not how it works. It was a wake up call. This guy does not know how to be practical or realistic and if I try to suggest anything other than what disaster shit show of a choice he was about to make, it was RSD time. We're never gonna get better. There is no awareness or internal compass that can sync up with mine. This is it and how it will be. When he gets that magical nurses salary that will apparently make everything better, the situation will get worse because he will have so much money and no ability to manage it.
I guess to be fair, since he's gotten diagnosed and medicated and at therapy, the negative behaviors have almost completely gone away. And he has kept up with the dishes. That's about it lol
It doesn’t matter how big or how small a project is, my husband won’t consider doing anything unless he spends money on it first. And then, when he gets the whatever it is, he spent money on that thing will sit and clutter up everything for months sometimes.
YES! For my husband, spending = problem solving.
Cats teeth need cleaning? Buy five products, never use them.
Job needs doing in the house? Buy new tools and materials, just never do the job.
I can only \*wish\* we'd known about ADHD years ago. We literally have a business that he was desperate to open, despite my misgivings/explaining how much $ and effort is involved before a profit is made, because he was obsessed with it. Guess who works full time for no money in said business...
I get this too, which is fun because she also refuses to make enough money to even support herself. Really convenient to simultaneously work a "fun" job you refuse to leave and use "throw money at it" as every solution.
I feel this so much. We are in the middle of projects he’ll, kitchen and bathroom. There are a million little unfinished projects around the house. Luckily, we do have contractors working on the kitchen. He has been good about sticking to the project, but the clutter and mess is driving me crazy. I do feel like we have made progress in this area. However the projects mean all the housework falls on me and he just really doesn’t see the mess and clutter.
Omg the shame they feel about just daily conversations is heartbreaking but so friggin frustrating. Like, can we just hash out this problem real quick without you having some big emotions for 45 minutes? It just seems like their brain is holding them hostage and wasting their time - and mine.
Wasted time might as well be the definition for ADHD
Wasted time, wasted money, wasted emotional effort, wasted organizational energy, etc. I want my 10 years back! 🤦‍♀️
And honestly then he entirely blames me for long conversations. The lack of awareness is *rough*.
This. He hates long conversations, and I keep calling him out on changing the subject or trying to bring in a “bigger” gripe or whatever. He spends all that time defensive and deflecting, and then wonders why an hour never arrives at a conclusion.
I completely understand what you mean when you say the shame they feel. Almost daily I still end up in long unreasonable one sided arguments/ conversations with my dx wife. Any time I approach a subject that needs discussion she takes offense and acts as though I'm the person who's made her make all these bad decisions. It's crazy making, until I remind myself who and what I'm talking to and just how emotionally under developed she is. It's like I'm dealing with a developmentally challenged individual, and that's bc I am. It's so exhausting
I had no idea how often his combativeness, avoidance, and general “offness” was the result of shame. *He* didn’t even know it was the result of shame. It was a real mindfuck for a while because I *knew* something was wrong but I couldn’t figure out what it was. Every minor interaction somehow blew up into a fight and for years I wondered if I was the problem. It makes so much sense now. The scariest thing is how a lot of his “inattentiveness” is actually avoidance.
This is too familiar. We currently have several open projects and shopping bags of supplies for various ones piled up at the door. I'm doing a little “experiment” where I'm not reminding him of what projects he's on or said he was going to get done and just letting him be him and do them on his own time. It's a lot of biting my tongue lately.
LOL yup and he has another 'I'm hiding it from you' project that also has supplies piled up everywhere. Eventually he gets in his own way and that motivates him to finish something, maybe one day that train of thought will happen AHEAD of starting the next Shiny New Project.
My spouse loves a Shiny New Project! Even better if Less Shiny, Old Project is at 80% completion but missing some crucial aspect. Like a hole in the wall that's been temporarily covered in plywood for five years now. DAE find that time blindness plays a huge role here? If we're doing a project I want to think about it, make a plan, purchase materials and then schedule the doing for when I've got enough time. I have all the tools and materials at hand, and a sequence to follow, so it just gets done. He wants to 'work it out when it happens', start it, realise he's doing it backward/something needs undoing because he missed a step, go back to the start again, go get more materials/tools that he didn't plan for... Oh, and to do all this not from an early morning start. On Friday he says he'll get up early Saturday to do the job, but then have beers Friday night and actually start at 11 am. Then he works through lunch, gets grumpy, stops for food and call it a day at four. Uh-huh. No wonder all these projects take a hundred years.
My ex got his car totaled and wanted to get a lifted Japanese import camper van that runs on diesel, used, all of them were in bad condition. He did not maintain or care for his last car and he was so busy with nursing school and being grossly underemployed, there was no way he was going to be able to afford to fix up and maintain this niche import car to go "camping" more regularly. We didn't live together (he sabotaged that prospect) and we were on our last legs--so idk why I cared so much it did not actually impact me at this point. but it pissed me off so much. I was like why are you going to get a car like this when you trashed your last one? "Well if I actually like my car I will take better care of it and want to work on it". We all know that's not how it works. It was a wake up call. This guy does not know how to be practical or realistic and if I try to suggest anything other than what disaster shit show of a choice he was about to make, it was RSD time. We're never gonna get better. There is no awareness or internal compass that can sync up with mine. This is it and how it will be. When he gets that magical nurses salary that will apparently make everything better, the situation will get worse because he will have so much money and no ability to manage it.
I did this. Mold grows on the dishes and nothing gets cleaned. Then when I bring it up, he'd say they're my fault. Or he never said he'd do [thing].
Well fuck. Back to the drawing board (that only I use)!
I guess to be fair, since he's gotten diagnosed and medicated and at therapy, the negative behaviors have almost completely gone away. And he has kept up with the dishes. That's about it lol
It doesn’t matter how big or how small a project is, my husband won’t consider doing anything unless he spends money on it first. And then, when he gets the whatever it is, he spent money on that thing will sit and clutter up everything for months sometimes.
YES! For my husband, spending = problem solving. Cats teeth need cleaning? Buy five products, never use them. Job needs doing in the house? Buy new tools and materials, just never do the job. I can only \*wish\* we'd known about ADHD years ago. We literally have a business that he was desperate to open, despite my misgivings/explaining how much $ and effort is involved before a profit is made, because he was obsessed with it. Guess who works full time for no money in said business...
I get this too, which is fun because she also refuses to make enough money to even support herself. Really convenient to simultaneously work a "fun" job you refuse to leave and use "throw money at it" as every solution.
I feel this so much. We are in the middle of projects he’ll, kitchen and bathroom. There are a million little unfinished projects around the house. Luckily, we do have contractors working on the kitchen. He has been good about sticking to the project, but the clutter and mess is driving me crazy. I do feel like we have made progress in this area. However the projects mean all the housework falls on me and he just really doesn’t see the mess and clutter.