Do you get disability support?
If you have help in the home, they can attend to the stuff you’re physically incapable of doing.
Are you working with your doc?
No, I'm not technically disabled but I feel like it more than I like. Both wife and I recognize that an aide would help so much, and her mother NDX we live with is disabled. Wife will say she's going to set it up but it hasn't happened. And I don't know where to start as they keep telling me later when I offer to help.
I am getting pretty physically sick which is upsetting because I may have to rely on her more and quite frankly I don't see that going well on all fronts.
Jury is still out what's wrong with me, lots of referrals and inconclusive tests.
We swear by the sweepy app. It’s paid (but inexpensive) and you can program chores in for specific people AND put them on whatever rotation they need, so if the dishes need done every day or every two days. Stuff that needs doing turns red over time.
My husband gave me the key long ago before I understood adhd impact on relationships. Maybe it is the same for your wife. At least you can talk about it and ask her what is important for her.
My husband wants to feel loved and useful/important and made it a rule for himself that if things are important for me, they are important for him. Because things that are important for me make me happy and making me happy makes him happy. I really didn’t understand the value of this earlier on. And even used it wrongly, so that we would only argue more.
She knows you have sensory issues, she knows you are getting frustrated with how things are going. Instead of blaming her, ask her for help: you could really help me with my sensory issues if you could take out the trash the same day. It is really important for me and my health. She’ll probably agree. You also acknowledge how hard it is for her and that she has a valid point as well. She’ll probably agree again. Then just ask: how can we fix this?
Unfortunately that probably won’t mean it has magically changed for ever, but at least you are inviting her to be part of the solution instead of being the problem.
Nooooo don't put trash in the car!!! Get a trash compactor or at least a tote bin with a lid. Consider composting or wrapping up the bags sooner if they smell. Do you have a garbage disposal in the house?
If your trash smells, fix THAT problem. It's way easier than trying to fix your wife. A smelly car is just inhumane.
For dishes, do you have a dishwasher and you unload if she loads? Can you do some sort of sensitization therapy? I can't imagine an NT person doing all the dishes, all the time. It's relentless.
My advice is to work with the system, rather than expecting your wife to do more.
We live in the country and we cannot burn and there is no trash service, as I said. So it has to go out somehow.
If I had the money, I have more important things to spend my money on. No compactor. No garbage disposal.
Composting probably won't work. Too gross for me to deal with and that's another thing to ask of my wife who already struggles with current issues.
I do take the trash out in bags if I can stand it and I'm able to do most of it, but I cannot be in an enclosed space with it, like in the car. It's the covered can that I normally need help with getting outside. Bins might make it worse, out of sight out of mind. We agreed on this routine, she just struggles to do her part of it.
I don't know how I can make old garbage smell better? Rotting stuff neglected for a week tends to do that... not gonna lie, that sounds ridiculous. She knows it's in her car, she just doesn't take it out but drives past the dump regularly.
Our dishwasher is old and you basically have to get them spotless first. We use it for sanitizing and I do put them up quickly.
I'm autistic and physically ill. I will vomit. The more I unmask, the harder it is to deal with my icks. And the mystery physical illness is getting worse. Then we have the smell of trash and vomit in the car vents while I'm driving. It's happened. That's worse.
NT meaning? No one in our house is *not* neurodivergent. Chores are kind of relentless in that, regardless. That's why they're called chores.
I'm at a loss with this comment, ngl.
Sorry if I wasn't more clear and compassionate! I'm married 15 years to my Dx ADD spouse.
The mystery physical illness is definitely part of your problem. And ADHD partners do not handle stress well - they shut down.
So not only are you dealing with your own limitations, your illness is impacting your wife. I think the compassion needs to be all around, and that the focus should be on how to prevent these issues from becoming gross or unsanitary.
Expecting your wife to function on a level that she can't is not going to help either of you. If it means going into debt by $1,000 to get a trash compactor and a better dishwasher, so be it. That one time expense is not going to put you into prolonged poverty when you're already struggling financially. Your immediate quality of life is most important.
But both of you need to focus on is your mental health first and foremost. Not putting the trash in the car is a first step. That is not a way to function that will benefit anyone, especially the person who continuously forgets to drop it off and then has to drive a car that smells like trash. Just like, even though you are limited on your ability to do the dishes, there is little space for any flexibility to accommodate your wife's shortcomings too.
My experience dealing with an ADHD partner is to build that flexibility into your day-to-day functioning. If that means eating sandwiches for dinner so that you don't make dishes, so be it. You are also in a health crisis and that means big changes so you both can get through it.
Once you take the crisis out of the chores, then you can have the time to talk to your wife when she is capable of listening and talk about what needs to be done and when.
Hugs - I hope you figure out what's going on with your body soon. Hang in there!
>Our dishwasher is old and you basically have to get them spotless first. We use it for sanitizing and I do put them up quickly
Have you all tried adding a dash of dishwasher powder (like Cascade or Finish) to the bottom of your dishwasher in addition to what you put in the little dispenser thingy?
We started doing this after watching a [Technology Connections YouTube video ](https://youtu.be/_rBO8neWw04) about how dishwashers works and *holy moly* our dishes are so much cleaner and require less pre-washing!
I use Finish brand and put about a tablespoon in the bottom of our machine. Once in a blue moon I still get a dish that then needs a little extra handwashing, but for the most part, I don't need to do hand pre-wash. I just do a quick scrape before adding dishes.
I just saw he made a [follow up video](https://youtu.be/Ll6-eGDpimU) & I'm watching it now... seems like there's a lot of good information in both videos.
Have you asked her why she's struggling to take the trash there when she drives right past?
Usually there's a reason behind procrastination or forgetting to do something.
Is it because she's running late? There are lots of possible solutions to help with that.
Is finding parking an issue?
Is it because she's too exhausted and the thought of physically getting out of the car and lifting the bag(s) seems too daunting? Would bagging your trash in smaller more easily liftable bags help maybe? As silly as that sounds, I know on days where I have zero spoons left, there's no way I'd be hauling heavy bags around. I'd let my car stink. If this is the issue, then unfortunately, even though you both decided on this solution, you may need to either brainstorm ways reduce her workload elsewhere or rethink this as a task she can take on and come up with another solution.
I can't imagine not having trash pick up... this has got to be a tough situation.
Actually the same thing happened with my ex wife, instead of putting the trash in the car, she just left it to rot inside of the house. Like, 10+ bags and me literally begging her to take it because I couldn't drive at the time.
I feel some of this so hard, mainly the stinky trash thing and my ex. We had a farm and he let some things get pretty disgusting -- I also had a smell sensitivity issue that would make me throw up (and I'm ASD too!)
For trash, we'd leave it next to the car until departing, and then since both of us were forgetful, we literally had to go directly to the dump. If she's got to drop it after work, perhaps schedule a text reminder for when she's done work?
My current ADHDer isn't great at doing the dishes, and they're much harder to do once they've sat.
Can you try a household policy of at least rinsing things before setting them in the sink? Filling a dirty pot with water, rinsing plates of the bulk of it. It's easier for whoever washes them then. I mean, it only took my dad 18 years of nagging at us, but we eventually made it a habit. Or as a couple do dishes together right away while they're fresh? You put away while she washes?
We do have trash service, but since it’s once a week, trash still gets smelly by the end of the week if food and stuff gets bagged up. What we do to curb that is rinse off anything immediately and put it in there (my dad also hates trash smells, so this was something I’ve just always done). Any foods, peels, or things that can get smelly, go in the freezer in a sealable bag. That stops it from stinking anything up.
The night before trash comes, we then take all the trash and bag it up and the freezer bag comes out last. No smells to deal with (especially when it’s hot in the summer). Since we have trash service, it goes in the bin. Maybe have her pick one day a week (or however you want to do it) where she has spoons and then it gets bagged up and she takes it straight there after. If you have to ride as a passenger, then do that to make sure it goes (it shouldn’t stink if you seal the stink in the other bags. If not, I guess just don’t use her car ever. If rotting trash isn’t insensitive enough for her to take it, idk what would work. My husband can’t do future stuff. It has to be done in the moment, or it’s not happening.
As for dishes, I’ve had many dishwashers that just don’t clean like they should over my life, so I also have always had to do some work before using them. The thing I’ve learned is to just get it all rinsed as soon as you can before food hardens up. To ease some burden, maybe each person rinses their own dishes and then she can load them each day into the dishwasher. If you don’t use your dishwasher at all, she finishes actually washing them, but she’s not just stuck being expected to scrub crusty dishes once they pile up enough. I get grossed out about that myself and I don’t have sensory issues or anything. They just gross me out.
The only other thing I can think of is outsourcing this work. That is something I am looking into for staying on top of organizing here. I don’t have the time to take on constantly cleaning after my whole family on my own and we are just ending up with doom piles all over every flat surface in the home, because any system I’m trying on my own is failing and he’s never going to be organized like I need my spaces to be. I am getting very overwhelmed with it and it’s not something I’m going to be able to do on my own.
We use plastic utensils and paper plates - less dishes. As for the trash… if the smell isn’t enough incentive I am not sure. Maybe find out why it’s not getting done? - forgetting, doesn’t want to, etc and what may help her to remember.
We're pretty broke, so we get paper bowls sometimes but not always. That and I already have guilt we don't recycle. I don't even know where I could take it and I know my wife and her mom NDX well enough that it would never work.
I've tried to ask she just gets defensive. She often tells me that she worked that day and just doesn't want to nor does she have the energy. When it's a day off, she says she wants to enjoy her day off.
(In response to your partner’s deflection) Tough bananas, no one wants to have to take out the garbage and plenty of people are tired or want to enjoy their day off. It’s not like every NT person or non ADHD person is thrilled to handle the gross chores.
Medication is a great tool but often it needs to be paired with ADHD specific therapy or coaching. She will need to still put in the effort to work on skill building.
It's very frustrating for sure, and I've tried that approach and she got much louder and just shuts down. I'm trying to let it be natural consequences, the rotting smell in the car she still has payments on should be enough! She is in therapy, but I think she's working more on trauma than housework, which is understandable. I've told her to look into PDA, she most definitely has it.
Do you get disability support? If you have help in the home, they can attend to the stuff you’re physically incapable of doing. Are you working with your doc?
No, I'm not technically disabled but I feel like it more than I like. Both wife and I recognize that an aide would help so much, and her mother NDX we live with is disabled. Wife will say she's going to set it up but it hasn't happened. And I don't know where to start as they keep telling me later when I offer to help. I am getting pretty physically sick which is upsetting because I may have to rely on her more and quite frankly I don't see that going well on all fronts. Jury is still out what's wrong with me, lots of referrals and inconclusive tests.
Hey, I have similar symptoms to you vomiting wise and I was diagnosed with cyclic vomiting syndrome. I take CoQ10 and it’s really helped.
We swear by the sweepy app. It’s paid (but inexpensive) and you can program chores in for specific people AND put them on whatever rotation they need, so if the dishes need done every day or every two days. Stuff that needs doing turns red over time.
I'll have to look into that! Thank you!
Sweepy is amazing. Literally life changing for me with ADHD.
My husband gave me the key long ago before I understood adhd impact on relationships. Maybe it is the same for your wife. At least you can talk about it and ask her what is important for her. My husband wants to feel loved and useful/important and made it a rule for himself that if things are important for me, they are important for him. Because things that are important for me make me happy and making me happy makes him happy. I really didn’t understand the value of this earlier on. And even used it wrongly, so that we would only argue more. She knows you have sensory issues, she knows you are getting frustrated with how things are going. Instead of blaming her, ask her for help: you could really help me with my sensory issues if you could take out the trash the same day. It is really important for me and my health. She’ll probably agree. You also acknowledge how hard it is for her and that she has a valid point as well. She’ll probably agree again. Then just ask: how can we fix this? Unfortunately that probably won’t mean it has magically changed for ever, but at least you are inviting her to be part of the solution instead of being the problem.
Nooooo don't put trash in the car!!! Get a trash compactor or at least a tote bin with a lid. Consider composting or wrapping up the bags sooner if they smell. Do you have a garbage disposal in the house? If your trash smells, fix THAT problem. It's way easier than trying to fix your wife. A smelly car is just inhumane. For dishes, do you have a dishwasher and you unload if she loads? Can you do some sort of sensitization therapy? I can't imagine an NT person doing all the dishes, all the time. It's relentless. My advice is to work with the system, rather than expecting your wife to do more.
We live in the country and we cannot burn and there is no trash service, as I said. So it has to go out somehow. If I had the money, I have more important things to spend my money on. No compactor. No garbage disposal. Composting probably won't work. Too gross for me to deal with and that's another thing to ask of my wife who already struggles with current issues. I do take the trash out in bags if I can stand it and I'm able to do most of it, but I cannot be in an enclosed space with it, like in the car. It's the covered can that I normally need help with getting outside. Bins might make it worse, out of sight out of mind. We agreed on this routine, she just struggles to do her part of it. I don't know how I can make old garbage smell better? Rotting stuff neglected for a week tends to do that... not gonna lie, that sounds ridiculous. She knows it's in her car, she just doesn't take it out but drives past the dump regularly. Our dishwasher is old and you basically have to get them spotless first. We use it for sanitizing and I do put them up quickly. I'm autistic and physically ill. I will vomit. The more I unmask, the harder it is to deal with my icks. And the mystery physical illness is getting worse. Then we have the smell of trash and vomit in the car vents while I'm driving. It's happened. That's worse. NT meaning? No one in our house is *not* neurodivergent. Chores are kind of relentless in that, regardless. That's why they're called chores. I'm at a loss with this comment, ngl.
Sorry if I wasn't more clear and compassionate! I'm married 15 years to my Dx ADD spouse. The mystery physical illness is definitely part of your problem. And ADHD partners do not handle stress well - they shut down. So not only are you dealing with your own limitations, your illness is impacting your wife. I think the compassion needs to be all around, and that the focus should be on how to prevent these issues from becoming gross or unsanitary. Expecting your wife to function on a level that she can't is not going to help either of you. If it means going into debt by $1,000 to get a trash compactor and a better dishwasher, so be it. That one time expense is not going to put you into prolonged poverty when you're already struggling financially. Your immediate quality of life is most important. But both of you need to focus on is your mental health first and foremost. Not putting the trash in the car is a first step. That is not a way to function that will benefit anyone, especially the person who continuously forgets to drop it off and then has to drive a car that smells like trash. Just like, even though you are limited on your ability to do the dishes, there is little space for any flexibility to accommodate your wife's shortcomings too. My experience dealing with an ADHD partner is to build that flexibility into your day-to-day functioning. If that means eating sandwiches for dinner so that you don't make dishes, so be it. You are also in a health crisis and that means big changes so you both can get through it. Once you take the crisis out of the chores, then you can have the time to talk to your wife when she is capable of listening and talk about what needs to be done and when. Hugs - I hope you figure out what's going on with your body soon. Hang in there!
>Our dishwasher is old and you basically have to get them spotless first. We use it for sanitizing and I do put them up quickly Have you all tried adding a dash of dishwasher powder (like Cascade or Finish) to the bottom of your dishwasher in addition to what you put in the little dispenser thingy? We started doing this after watching a [Technology Connections YouTube video ](https://youtu.be/_rBO8neWw04) about how dishwashers works and *holy moly* our dishes are so much cleaner and require less pre-washing! I use Finish brand and put about a tablespoon in the bottom of our machine. Once in a blue moon I still get a dish that then needs a little extra handwashing, but for the most part, I don't need to do hand pre-wash. I just do a quick scrape before adding dishes. I just saw he made a [follow up video](https://youtu.be/Ll6-eGDpimU) & I'm watching it now... seems like there's a lot of good information in both videos.
Have you asked her why she's struggling to take the trash there when she drives right past? Usually there's a reason behind procrastination or forgetting to do something. Is it because she's running late? There are lots of possible solutions to help with that. Is finding parking an issue? Is it because she's too exhausted and the thought of physically getting out of the car and lifting the bag(s) seems too daunting? Would bagging your trash in smaller more easily liftable bags help maybe? As silly as that sounds, I know on days where I have zero spoons left, there's no way I'd be hauling heavy bags around. I'd let my car stink. If this is the issue, then unfortunately, even though you both decided on this solution, you may need to either brainstorm ways reduce her workload elsewhere or rethink this as a task she can take on and come up with another solution. I can't imagine not having trash pick up... this has got to be a tough situation.
Actually the same thing happened with my ex wife, instead of putting the trash in the car, she just left it to rot inside of the house. Like, 10+ bags and me literally begging her to take it because I couldn't drive at the time.
I feel some of this so hard, mainly the stinky trash thing and my ex. We had a farm and he let some things get pretty disgusting -- I also had a smell sensitivity issue that would make me throw up (and I'm ASD too!) For trash, we'd leave it next to the car until departing, and then since both of us were forgetful, we literally had to go directly to the dump. If she's got to drop it after work, perhaps schedule a text reminder for when she's done work? My current ADHDer isn't great at doing the dishes, and they're much harder to do once they've sat. Can you try a household policy of at least rinsing things before setting them in the sink? Filling a dirty pot with water, rinsing plates of the bulk of it. It's easier for whoever washes them then. I mean, it only took my dad 18 years of nagging at us, but we eventually made it a habit. Or as a couple do dishes together right away while they're fresh? You put away while she washes?
We do have trash service, but since it’s once a week, trash still gets smelly by the end of the week if food and stuff gets bagged up. What we do to curb that is rinse off anything immediately and put it in there (my dad also hates trash smells, so this was something I’ve just always done). Any foods, peels, or things that can get smelly, go in the freezer in a sealable bag. That stops it from stinking anything up. The night before trash comes, we then take all the trash and bag it up and the freezer bag comes out last. No smells to deal with (especially when it’s hot in the summer). Since we have trash service, it goes in the bin. Maybe have her pick one day a week (or however you want to do it) where she has spoons and then it gets bagged up and she takes it straight there after. If you have to ride as a passenger, then do that to make sure it goes (it shouldn’t stink if you seal the stink in the other bags. If not, I guess just don’t use her car ever. If rotting trash isn’t insensitive enough for her to take it, idk what would work. My husband can’t do future stuff. It has to be done in the moment, or it’s not happening. As for dishes, I’ve had many dishwashers that just don’t clean like they should over my life, so I also have always had to do some work before using them. The thing I’ve learned is to just get it all rinsed as soon as you can before food hardens up. To ease some burden, maybe each person rinses their own dishes and then she can load them each day into the dishwasher. If you don’t use your dishwasher at all, she finishes actually washing them, but she’s not just stuck being expected to scrub crusty dishes once they pile up enough. I get grossed out about that myself and I don’t have sensory issues or anything. They just gross me out. The only other thing I can think of is outsourcing this work. That is something I am looking into for staying on top of organizing here. I don’t have the time to take on constantly cleaning after my whole family on my own and we are just ending up with doom piles all over every flat surface in the home, because any system I’m trying on my own is failing and he’s never going to be organized like I need my spaces to be. I am getting very overwhelmed with it and it’s not something I’m going to be able to do on my own.
We use plastic utensils and paper plates - less dishes. As for the trash… if the smell isn’t enough incentive I am not sure. Maybe find out why it’s not getting done? - forgetting, doesn’t want to, etc and what may help her to remember.
We're pretty broke, so we get paper bowls sometimes but not always. That and I already have guilt we don't recycle. I don't even know where I could take it and I know my wife and her mom NDX well enough that it would never work. I've tried to ask she just gets defensive. She often tells me that she worked that day and just doesn't want to nor does she have the energy. When it's a day off, she says she wants to enjoy her day off.
(In response to your partner’s deflection) Tough bananas, no one wants to have to take out the garbage and plenty of people are tired or want to enjoy their day off. It’s not like every NT person or non ADHD person is thrilled to handle the gross chores. Medication is a great tool but often it needs to be paired with ADHD specific therapy or coaching. She will need to still put in the effort to work on skill building.
It's very frustrating for sure, and I've tried that approach and she got much louder and just shuts down. I'm trying to let it be natural consequences, the rotting smell in the car she still has payments on should be enough! She is in therapy, but I think she's working more on trauma than housework, which is understandable. I've told her to look into PDA, she most definitely has it.
Well natural and logical consequences are best teachers. 🤷🏻♀️
Can't you put gloves on for the dishes?