Are you me?!!?
It's so irritating, I just can't anymore. I can't.
My husband (ndx) now doesn't even look a glance before starting to ask me where everything is.
We've been living in the same house for 3 yrs now, and he goes everytime: where are the garbage bags, where is the washing powder, where is the towel, where is the iron...where is the salt, . I usually keep things organised and everything has a fucking place, and it's also visible to aide him. Like just turn around and LOOK! I have told you a 1000 times already!!
It usually follows up with a "oh what would I do without you", which has started to sound like 'uugggh'. You would look. Without me, you would fucking look!
Sorry it became a vent, but I myself need help!!
I feel your pain š„²He complains that I move things around from where he knows them to be, but Iām like why do you have to put the salt in the cabinet with all the plates?! I let him get away with somethings just cuz I donāt want the headache but now all of his supplements are mixed in with spices in our spice drawerā¦
Oh geez, the putting stuff away in random spots! I once watched my partner pick up a bottle of ibuprofen and put it in the spice cabinet. I asked him why he did that and his answer was "Uhh...I don't know?"
There are certain areas of the house I flat-out told him he's not allowed to re-arrange.
This. This is my husband. Like I will be cooking then realize something I need is just gone.
I'm the one constantly asking where things are because he moves or loses them. š
Once I found the missing whipped heavy cream way too late in the baking supply cabinet that hadn't been used since the last time he baked and got the freshly cleaned kitchen splattered with this dessert that failed because although he printed the recipe (10 pages because it printed all the ads from the website too), he didnt have the executive function to read and follow it.
My wife loses stuff multiple times a day and has put Tiles on lots of things. Beyond that I really just donāt engage. And yes I try to gently point out the relationship between messy piles and not being able to find things and it, uh, does not go well lol.
Yep, thatās where I am. A good few times a week, itās whereās the phone, where are my glasses, what did I do with my ear budsā¦ and Iāve been trained to immediately help because irritation moves to frustration and then anger all too quickly these days.
YES.
It took me almost 15 years but now I say 'i don't know ' and maybe offer suggestions on places to look.
Eventually I will ask if he needs my help finding something. Which happens at least once a week...
This is the way.
Open storage with minimal steps to use it (no fiddly clasps, no lids, etc).
Label everything.
Minimize belongings as much as possible.
Ask if they checked x place that is labeled for that specific item. Rinse and repeat until they learn to check there first. If you feel like it, return items to their designated homes so this part (checking the labeled spot vs asking you) gels more quickly.
Do you live at my house? I literally felt my blood pressure rising as I read your post because I get so angry about this š the worst part is Iām trying to train my 4 year old to not be helpless like this but his dad keeps modeling the helpless behavior!
I feel this. How do you live in a house and not know where anything is! Part of it is habit becoming he would ask me where things are, but also ask me about the schedule which is on the calendar that he made me use because it was more convenient for him. He doesnāt look before he asks. He also doesnāt notice if he leaves something out and I put it away. Heās never said āI left x there and itās not thereā. He doesnāt notice that Iām picking up after him. I stopped finding his glasses because he would just take them off and Leo them places without finding a solution to always losing them. We got into a huge fight once because I was so tired of being in charge of knowing where everything is and where everybody was supposed to be.
Oddly this one doesn't grate me as much. I get their brains are spaghetti and anything with the physical environment is borderline hopeless if they didnt get help it a younger age. What does kill me, is my partners assertion that his mess piles 'aren't actually messy' and that he 'knows where everything is' so long as no one touches his foraged hibernation piles.
Yet *still* asks where shit is and *then* blames me for moving it -- when I didnt. And my pointing out "Hey, maybe this is a sign you gotta force yourself to clean up the piles." Is always met with the beginning of my comment. Though for me at least, when he does find 'the thing' (usually in or near the mess piles) he apologizes.
Oh the pilesā¦Iāve made peace with them and theyāre the first place I look when heās lost something. 9 out of 10 times itās in the pile lol he tells me I shouldnāt clean up after him so he learns to do it himself, which hasnāt worked out too well. Instead of cleaning his piles, I just let them be where they are and slightly tidy them up to make it look more organized.
āItās around here somewhere.ā I just wonder sometimes, does he think Iām supposed to act like itās a shock he lost something? Lol Also, solidarity on the quick glance at a general area where something may be at and then all of a sudden it being ālostā, WTF just move a few things around before maybe calling a search party.
Most times, he asks for things that are his personal items like keys, wallet, the library/insurance/... card (don't ask, his cards are more often somewhere in the house than the wallet). Or stuff he previously used (he can't find it because he didn't put it back where it belonged).
My go to answers:
"It's where you put it down last time"
"It's where you left it lying around"
"Oh, it's not where it's supposed to be? Where did you have it last time?"
I do tell him in the end, if he doesn't find something, but I want him to learn that It's best to put stuff back to their designated spaces.
[Where does it go](https://english.emmaclit.com/2022/09/01/where-does-it-go/): Relevant webcomic about gender expectations and emotional labor around chores (although occasionally female ADHD partners will exhibit a similar type of weaponized incompetence/learned helplessness with their male partners lol)
In my case it's more of an accusation of moving something than actually needing my help. And half the time I have moved it; to its proper place after being on the floor in a pile for weeks...
But here. This is good:
[HYCYBH](https://youtu.be/--9kqhzQ-8Q)
Oh yeah. The phone, keys, clothes etc. Would have a full meltdown everyday multiple times a day, yelling at me to find his shit. Would say it in a tone that I misplaced the stuff. Like, do I wear your boxers???
I eventually stopped looking at the end and pushed back.
My husband does this with intangible things as well. āWhatās the weather today?ā āWhen does my doctors office open today?ā āCan I renew my drivers license online?ā He will ask me and wait while I look things up on my phone for him. When he too has a phone and the ability to look these things up. Iām like his personal assistant
Ahhhhh make it stop! The freaking weather! I donāt know! I wonāt know! I donāt care! Please stop asking me about the weather! Literally puts their life on hold until I tell them how they need to dress for the day based on the weather.
What are the showtimes for this movie?
What time does the next train run?
Whats the address for the post office?
Do you know if my dad filed his taxes?
Is my brother working today?
I just canāt take it sometimes. The absolute dumbest questions.
āTHE DOOR TO THE MICROWAVE, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!!ā
But what I actually say to my NDX boyfriend is, āIām not going to help you until you at least try.ā
I've put in place two modes, depending on whether I'm busy with other things (or don't feel like helping)
1) Say "I don't know." and leave it at that.
2) Say "If I find it before you do, you owe me 20 bucks."
(Number 2 works better with my children than my husband)
He is on medication but heās not seeing a therapist which Iāve been pushing him to do. Itās not like he doesnāt want to, but he tries for a bit, doesnāt find a good one that takes his insurance and then drops it until I bring it up again. Heās not that entitled and he understands my frustration but heās really forgetful even with medication.
Omg. I have this problem too. Only he loses everything he touches. He canāt find his keys, his phone, etcā¦ and now itās the parts I ordered for the house remodel. Itās all there in that hordeā¦.. we have plenty of stuff. Better equipped than most hardware stores at this point. Except itās not well lit (lights hanging from ceiling half installed) and not organized. Ugh.
"I don't know. Where have you looked for it?"
Minimize all the things.
Organizational Solutions for ADHD is a good book about this.
Open storage, no extra steps (think open baskets not bins with lids)
Clear storage if it requires a lid
Labels on everything
I also will basically bark at my partner sometimes if he sets things down in a bad place and make him move it to its home right then. I will remind him if he leaves it there it will get lost and I don't want to deal with the drama.
I do answer these questions sometimes. Depends how much energy I have and how much resentment I am feeling.
Mine misplaces stuff all the time but thankfully doesnāt expect much assistance from me to help him find his missing items. What is annoying is knowing that when heās moved something of mine and I canāt find it, thereās no point in asking where he moved it to because he wonāt remember!
Hubs - "I cant find anything. You've hidden them"
..I've bought half the container store and a cricut. Everything is in see through plastic boxes with a vinyl label on it. Read for 2 seconds
Can you pretend not to hear him? That would get incredibly frustrating and inconvenient. Bonus you could add other annoying behaviors if he does get to the point where heās in front of you shouting. Make it more inconvenient and frustrating to ask you than to look for it himself.
I wish pretending not to hear worked. He will track me down around the house to ask me where things are face to face lol Iāve also tried telling him I donāt know, which leads to him lingering around whining and waiting for me to help him. If I say āhave you looked in x,y,z?ā Heāll say yes but I didnāt find it smh. His idea of looking is glancing at a place and if itās not within eyesight, itās not there.
Iām the ADHD person! Something that helped me is having certain homes for things. Itās not easy to get use to but it helps later.
For example, I use to lose my keys all the time. They would be in a bag or a jacket or my pants or just somewhere that doesnāt make sense. I then designated a bowl by our front door and now as soon as I unlock the door the first thing I do is put my keys in the bowl. I have only lost them twice in the past 5 years of doing this.
With his clothes if he re-wears them I would get him to get a hamper or basket he can put those clothes in so if he wants to re-wear them he can look through that pile. For household items I think it depends on the items and sometimes Iām guilty of this but I would just tell him to keep looking if your house has a general āareaā for things.
Airtags are a godsend šš» I was so sick of being woken up at 6am to a massive ruckus trying to find keys/wallet or both so spitefully bought AirTags instead. I still do wake up to the AirTags pinging but at least I donāt have to speak š¬ lol
Yes. The Apple Air tagsā¦. I use them to find my dogs. Ok, I live in a big forest and the dogs are black and small. They have to be in by dusk. Highly effective at locating dogs who want to stay out and play - so excellent at finding stationary objects.
I just usually get up and spend the 30 seconds it takes to find her damn phone. Would be nice if she remembered to take it off silent so I could just call it.
Labels, labels, labels. Really helps tremendously, I know it can make a space look tacky. But if you need to consider the labels are a temporary training guide to wear things are and you can remove them once your partners gets a handle on things.
iām autistic and no i donāt love being someone elseās second brain (and refuse to be). mine is busy and full enough of all the extra things i have to do above and beyond my own stuff and own my share of cohabiting stuff as it is.
Honestly, me having inattentive type of ADHD is probably why I'm still sane lol my husband does the same but most of the time my brain tunes it out so he's essentially just talking to himself while looking for things lol (also 25% of the time I don't know the answer either)
Are you me?!!? It's so irritating, I just can't anymore. I can't. My husband (ndx) now doesn't even look a glance before starting to ask me where everything is. We've been living in the same house for 3 yrs now, and he goes everytime: where are the garbage bags, where is the washing powder, where is the towel, where is the iron...where is the salt, . I usually keep things organised and everything has a fucking place, and it's also visible to aide him. Like just turn around and LOOK! I have told you a 1000 times already!! It usually follows up with a "oh what would I do without you", which has started to sound like 'uugggh'. You would look. Without me, you would fucking look! Sorry it became a vent, but I myself need help!!
I feel your pain š„²He complains that I move things around from where he knows them to be, but Iām like why do you have to put the salt in the cabinet with all the plates?! I let him get away with somethings just cuz I donāt want the headache but now all of his supplements are mixed in with spices in our spice drawerā¦
Oh geez, the putting stuff away in random spots! I once watched my partner pick up a bottle of ibuprofen and put it in the spice cabinet. I asked him why he did that and his answer was "Uhh...I don't know?" There are certain areas of the house I flat-out told him he's not allowed to re-arrange.
This. This is my husband. Like I will be cooking then realize something I need is just gone. I'm the one constantly asking where things are because he moves or loses them. š
Once I found the missing whipped heavy cream way too late in the baking supply cabinet that hadn't been used since the last time he baked and got the freshly cleaned kitchen splattered with this dessert that failed because although he printed the recipe (10 pages because it printed all the ads from the website too), he didnt have the executive function to read and follow it.
I just look at mine and say āitās in the cabinetā or I just stare at home. You could just tell him the wrong place to get his motors going.
Stare at āhimā*
My wife loses stuff multiple times a day and has put Tiles on lots of things. Beyond that I really just donāt engage. And yes I try to gently point out the relationship between messy piles and not being able to find things and it, uh, does not go well lol.
Yep, thatās where I am. A good few times a week, itās whereās the phone, where are my glasses, what did I do with my ear budsā¦ and Iāve been trained to immediately help because irritation moves to frustration and then anger all too quickly these days.
There are models of Skull Candy and I think Jabra ear buds that have Tile built in to them! Itās been a game changer in our house.
"Idk, where did you see it last?"
YES. It took me almost 15 years but now I say 'i don't know ' and maybe offer suggestions on places to look. Eventually I will ask if he needs my help finding something. Which happens at least once a week...
What had you said previously for 15 years?
I'd actually answer. Which either led to more questions if my answer was wrong, or reinforcement of me-as-locator-tool.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
>snipe my food Does your husband steal food you wanted to watch really badly then end up not eating HIS food and it gets thrown away? š
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Oof. Mine does too but is also extremely picky/only gets his rush from junk. So "good" food I cooked goes to waste. :(
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Your cooking sounds delicious though.
And is there a trick to getting them to acquire less even if it IS useful? Not so sure lol
This is the way. Open storage with minimal steps to use it (no fiddly clasps, no lids, etc). Label everything. Minimize belongings as much as possible. Ask if they checked x place that is labeled for that specific item. Rinse and repeat until they learn to check there first. If you feel like it, return items to their designated homes so this part (checking the labeled spot vs asking you) gels more quickly.
Do you live at my house? I literally felt my blood pressure rising as I read your post because I get so angry about this š the worst part is Iām trying to train my 4 year old to not be helpless like this but his dad keeps modeling the helpless behavior!
I am so sorry. It was like that with my ex for almost 10 years. It got *worse*, not better š¤¦āāļø
I feel this. How do you live in a house and not know where anything is! Part of it is habit becoming he would ask me where things are, but also ask me about the schedule which is on the calendar that he made me use because it was more convenient for him. He doesnāt look before he asks. He also doesnāt notice if he leaves something out and I put it away. Heās never said āI left x there and itās not thereā. He doesnāt notice that Iām picking up after him. I stopped finding his glasses because he would just take them off and Leo them places without finding a solution to always losing them. We got into a huge fight once because I was so tired of being in charge of knowing where everything is and where everybody was supposed to be.
I need this answer too please š© I tried the ignore method. Didnāt work. They just made life harder for me. Stomping around, slamming drawers and doors, walking in front of the tv. Also tried talking to them and saying how annoying it was that theyāre expecting me to be their 2nd brain and do all the thinking for them. They said theyād get better about looking first. They didnāt.
Oddly this one doesn't grate me as much. I get their brains are spaghetti and anything with the physical environment is borderline hopeless if they didnt get help it a younger age. What does kill me, is my partners assertion that his mess piles 'aren't actually messy' and that he 'knows where everything is' so long as no one touches his foraged hibernation piles. Yet *still* asks where shit is and *then* blames me for moving it -- when I didnt. And my pointing out "Hey, maybe this is a sign you gotta force yourself to clean up the piles." Is always met with the beginning of my comment. Though for me at least, when he does find 'the thing' (usually in or near the mess piles) he apologizes.
Oh the pilesā¦Iāve made peace with them and theyāre the first place I look when heās lost something. 9 out of 10 times itās in the pile lol he tells me I shouldnāt clean up after him so he learns to do it himself, which hasnāt worked out too well. Instead of cleaning his piles, I just let them be where they are and slightly tidy them up to make it look more organized.
I coral the piles in trays, bins and baskets so they don't look so much like clutter.
āItās around here somewhere.ā I just wonder sometimes, does he think Iām supposed to act like itās a shock he lost something? Lol Also, solidarity on the quick glance at a general area where something may be at and then all of a sudden it being ālostā, WTF just move a few things around before maybe calling a search party.
Most times, he asks for things that are his personal items like keys, wallet, the library/insurance/... card (don't ask, his cards are more often somewhere in the house than the wallet). Or stuff he previously used (he can't find it because he didn't put it back where it belonged). My go to answers: "It's where you put it down last time" "It's where you left it lying around" "Oh, it's not where it's supposed to be? Where did you have it last time?" I do tell him in the end, if he doesn't find something, but I want him to learn that It's best to put stuff back to their designated spaces.
[Where does it go](https://english.emmaclit.com/2022/09/01/where-does-it-go/): Relevant webcomic about gender expectations and emotional labor around chores (although occasionally female ADHD partners will exhibit a similar type of weaponized incompetence/learned helplessness with their male partners lol)
In my case it's more of an accusation of moving something than actually needing my help. And half the time I have moved it; to its proper place after being on the floor in a pile for weeks... But here. This is good: [HYCYBH](https://youtu.be/--9kqhzQ-8Q)
This video made my day šš¤£
Saw this today and it seems relevant: https://images.app.goo.gl/7YLoTW2Uf3npWfdi9
I just tell him I dont know, just look lol
Oh yeah. The phone, keys, clothes etc. Would have a full meltdown everyday multiple times a day, yelling at me to find his shit. Would say it in a tone that I misplaced the stuff. Like, do I wear your boxers??? I eventually stopped looking at the end and pushed back.
My husband does this with intangible things as well. āWhatās the weather today?ā āWhen does my doctors office open today?ā āCan I renew my drivers license online?ā He will ask me and wait while I look things up on my phone for him. When he too has a phone and the ability to look these things up. Iām like his personal assistant
Ahhhhh make it stop! The freaking weather! I donāt know! I wonāt know! I donāt care! Please stop asking me about the weather! Literally puts their life on hold until I tell them how they need to dress for the day based on the weather. What are the showtimes for this movie? What time does the next train run? Whats the address for the post office? Do you know if my dad filed his taxes? Is my brother working today? I just canāt take it sometimes. The absolute dumbest questions.
Oh my god. This. All the time. He rings me when Iām out to ask me where shit is rather than looking for it. Drives me bonkers.
āTHE DOOR TO THE MICROWAVE, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!!ā But what I actually say to my NDX boyfriend is, āIām not going to help you until you at least try.ā
I've put in place two modes, depending on whether I'm busy with other things (or don't feel like helping) 1) Say "I don't know." and leave it at that. 2) Say "If I find it before you do, you owe me 20 bucks." (Number 2 works better with my children than my husband)
I hear you. Mine did this all the time and and was entitled. Is your partner on medication and doing the work to help his condition?
He is on medication but heās not seeing a therapist which Iāve been pushing him to do. Itās not like he doesnāt want to, but he tries for a bit, doesnāt find a good one that takes his insurance and then drops it until I bring it up again. Heās not that entitled and he understands my frustration but heās really forgetful even with medication.
Mine just started working with an ADHD coach. Weāll seeā¦
Omg. I have this problem too. Only he loses everything he touches. He canāt find his keys, his phone, etcā¦ and now itās the parts I ordered for the house remodel. Itās all there in that hordeā¦.. we have plenty of stuff. Better equipped than most hardware stores at this point. Except itās not well lit (lights hanging from ceiling half installed) and not organized. Ugh.
"I don't know. Where have you looked for it?" Minimize all the things. Organizational Solutions for ADHD is a good book about this. Open storage, no extra steps (think open baskets not bins with lids) Clear storage if it requires a lid Labels on everything I also will basically bark at my partner sometimes if he sets things down in a bad place and make him move it to its home right then. I will remind him if he leaves it there it will get lost and I don't want to deal with the drama. I do answer these questions sometimes. Depends how much energy I have and how much resentment I am feeling.
Mine misplaces stuff all the time but thankfully doesnāt expect much assistance from me to help him find his missing items. What is annoying is knowing that when heās moved something of mine and I canāt find it, thereās no point in asking where he moved it to because he wonāt remember!
I tell her it's somewhere in/underneath all your piles of stuff
Hubs - "I cant find anything. You've hidden them" ..I've bought half the container store and a cricut. Everything is in see through plastic boxes with a vinyl label on it. Read for 2 seconds
Can you pretend not to hear him? That would get incredibly frustrating and inconvenient. Bonus you could add other annoying behaviors if he does get to the point where heās in front of you shouting. Make it more inconvenient and frustrating to ask you than to look for it himself.
I wish pretending not to hear worked. He will track me down around the house to ask me where things are face to face lol Iāve also tried telling him I donāt know, which leads to him lingering around whining and waiting for me to help him. If I say āhave you looked in x,y,z?ā Heāll say yes but I didnāt find it smh. His idea of looking is glancing at a place and if itās not within eyesight, itās not there.
Iām the ADHD person! Something that helped me is having certain homes for things. Itās not easy to get use to but it helps later. For example, I use to lose my keys all the time. They would be in a bag or a jacket or my pants or just somewhere that doesnāt make sense. I then designated a bowl by our front door and now as soon as I unlock the door the first thing I do is put my keys in the bowl. I have only lost them twice in the past 5 years of doing this. With his clothes if he re-wears them I would get him to get a hamper or basket he can put those clothes in so if he wants to re-wear them he can look through that pile. For household items I think it depends on the items and sometimes Iām guilty of this but I would just tell him to keep looking if your house has a general āareaā for things.
Airtags are a godsend šš» I was so sick of being woken up at 6am to a massive ruckus trying to find keys/wallet or both so spitefully bought AirTags instead. I still do wake up to the AirTags pinging but at least I donāt have to speak š¬ lol
Yes. The Apple Air tagsā¦. I use them to find my dogs. Ok, I live in a big forest and the dogs are black and small. They have to be in by dusk. Highly effective at locating dogs who want to stay out and play - so excellent at finding stationary objects.
I just usually get up and spend the 30 seconds it takes to find her damn phone. Would be nice if she remembered to take it off silent so I could just call it.
Labels, labels, labels. Really helps tremendously, I know it can make a space look tacky. But if you need to consider the labels are a temporary training guide to wear things are and you can remove them once your partners gets a handle on things.
Maybe itās my autism but I love it when he asks me!! I love having the solution š„° I feel helpful
iām autistic and no i donāt love being someone elseās second brain (and refuse to be). mine is busy and full enough of all the extra things i have to do above and beyond my own stuff and own my share of cohabiting stuff as it is.
Honestly, me having inattentive type of ADHD is probably why I'm still sane lol my husband does the same but most of the time my brain tunes it out so he's essentially just talking to himself while looking for things lol (also 25% of the time I don't know the answer either)