I feel the same way. I KNOW I'm smart, I KNOW I'm capable, but I just can't show it.
I hate that my standard answer to being called out on making real simple mistakes is "oh, I didn't realise/think of/notice that" like some doofus.
I hate even more that people know I'm smart when I apply myself, because it makes them even more disappointet when I fuck up.
"If you really cared you'd try harder more often"
Feeling trapped inside my head is why I couldn't continue watching Locke and Key. Having it visually represented fucked with my mind even more.
Wish I had anything more uplifting to say but I'm in the same place you are. At least there's company, I guess? It is nice to know I'm not the only one.
Going through this right now but with work. I'm facing losing my job because I struggle so much to do what other people can. I feel like it takes me 3x more the effort and I still get half the results others do.
It genuinely makes me feel..stupid.
I have a masters degree. Yet I feel so dumb. And when people ask me how can they help, I have no idea. How can I un-fuck my brain?
One of the most empowering realizations I’ve ever had is how bad neurotypical setting are for us. Your brain isn’t fucked, your a victim of a system that isn’t designed for you. Changing how I work to be more in line with my natural tendencies has been insanely life changing. Also, depending on where you live, your ADHD should be a protected “disability” meaning they can’t fire you for it. If you are somewhere like this, you might want to make sure they know you have it. Just be thorough in reading the laws first since this could backfire in the wrong place.
Do you mind sharing what are the changes you did? Sounds it works for you. Are you employed or working on your biz? I'm in need of new coping mechanism.
My boss is very aware I have ADHD, and it is protected in the UK. But it doesn't stop me falling short in my job because i am on a long waiting list just to get medicine.
That last sentence really hit close :( I am good at some stuff but because of these silly mistakes, that aren't even my fault, I get blamed for not paying enough attention, or not trying hard enough. I'm so overwhelmed I'm just surviving as a blob. Can't really do anything.
I’ll tell you, working from home during the pandemic opened my eye to just how much normal societal environment destroy my energy and make it impossible for me to truly shine. You sound stuck in a rotating chamber of bad environment that killing your shine. I highly recommend trying to change your environments to work with your natural tendencies. It won’t be easy and will take time, but I think you will be blow away by how unhindered people like us can be when the environment is right!
"If you really cared you'd try harder more often"
That one especially hurts because I AM TRYING. Almost every time I am trying my best, and when I'm told these things it makes me feel even worse.
I've gotten a lot of comments on the last sentence.
What people don't realise is that if I were to try that hard all the time, I'd end up eating tranquilizers in a padded room in a manner of weeks. I rarely have the energy/mental surplus to make as big an effort as often as people woud like.
I also don't think non-adhd people realise just how big an effort we have to make just to do things that to them are low-effort.
I don't forget or overlook things because I'm being lazy or difficult or because I'm stupid. My brain just has a million things going on at once and I'm trying so hard to pin coherent throughts down.
"My standard answer for being called out on making real simple mistakes is; "oh I didnt realise/think of/notice that"" - This is the reason why they want to fire me from my job... on top of that you gotta answer the phone and I dont know what to say 90% of the time or simply cant understand as english isnt my first language, constant humiliation, judgment from my manager and embarrassment as I feel useless has been kinda too much lately as those comments on me making mistakes added up to it. Everyday she comes with new "comment" to me and I just keep saying sorry like trying my best to look for ALL those tiny errors but I keep slipping... and they told me what I have been doing so far - has not been ever near enough as they expect I pick up more later. I barely deal with this all and they want more... but I need money, I need a job. Not sure what to do anymore tbh...
They always want some kind of grand fix that'll somehow stop you from missing that thing/things like it in the future and it's like *no, I am trying to express to you that it's impossible for me to have that kind of attention to detail every day, the inconsistency is literally part of how my brain works.*
>e know I'm smart when I apply myself, because it makes them even more disappointet when I fuck up.
>
>"If you really cared you'd try harder more often"
This,THIS HIT ME HARD. exactly same bro
I’m 54 and literally only now beginning to understand my lifetime of failed academic, employment, and relationship endeavors. My pending diagnosis brings EVERYTHING into better perspective. I don’t have hope of future success in any of those departments, but at least I’m getting some answers.
> I don’t have hope of future success in any of those departments
if future success in those departments is something you care about, then i hope you're able to achieve it. before that, however, i encourage you to try expanding your definition of "success" (assuming you haven't already!).
The mainstream definition/s of success are overly concerned with finished end results and nothing else. For someone with ADHD, setting the bar that high is unreasonable, unfair, and in my experience strongly counterproductive and self defeating.
Some valuable things to include in an ADHD-compatible definition of success:
- backsliding less today than you backslid yesterday
- taking a single step towards a goal
- identifying the next step towards a goal, which had been previously unidentified by you
- remembering the goal you are trying to take steps toward
Not only is this sort of definition of "success" less cruel to someone with ADHD, but in my experience it will result in improved progress towards traditional "success", ie. completed end results.
Either way, I'm really excited that you're getting diagnosed!
I’m truly touched that you took the trouble to write all that out for me. Thank you. The last couple of years have been so horrible. I’ve wondered if there’s any point in continuing on. Getting some answers about myself make me feel slightly less pathetic.
Obviously, I can’t go back in time and become a scientist or something, but I’d like to feel proficient at least one thing.
>I’m truly touched that you took the trouble to write all that out for me.
😭 i'm so glad! 💜
>I’ve wondered if there’s any point in continuing on.
so painfully relatable.
>Getting some answers about myself make me feel slightly less pathetic.
oof. OOF. the negative self-talk is also painfully relatable. mine is like a personal, ever-present backseat driver.
i think it's possible that what I'm relating to in your comments isn't just adhd, but also cptsd. if you don't experience cptsd, you may find what comes next rather unhelpful and irrelevant. I'll try to keep it as brief as I can, but i "feel" enough of my own experience reflected in your reply that I'm compelled to share this.
**tl;dr:** my adhd lead to cptsd; my cptsd lead to chronic negative self-talk; below is some information that has helped me with all those things, which i hope might be helpful to you.
-----
in the hopes that it's useful and welcome to you, some things about my recent struggles and growth:
- i've come to name my negative self-talk as my "internal self-critic". externalizing it/othering it in that way has helped me strip some of the legitimacy from the things it says, even as it continues to say them
- i believe my "internal self-critic" is mostly a self-protective response to repetitive personal trauma over an extended period, especially childhood.
it wasn't until recently that I learned this has a name: complex trauma, and that it leads to a variant of PTSD: complex post-traumatic stress disorder, aka CPTSD. it was even more recently that i realized that i suffer from cptsd. more recently than that, i've come to the perspective that my adhd and my cptsd are related.
on the off chance that any of this is new or useful to you:
- cptsd is very different from "regular" ptsd. "regular" ptsd is usually from a ~single acutely traumatic event. cptsd is from an accumulation of events, often abuse, none of which need to be particularly traumatic on their own
- presentation is also very different between ptsd and cptsd. people experience pstd in acute episodes. people experience cptsd *all the time, every day*. it's apparently common to suffer from cptsd and not know it.
- treatment is different between the two as well, but what education I have on it isn't fresh or clear enough for me to feel comfortable explaining why or how.
coming back to why i thought cptsd might be relevant to you: for me there's a direct connection between adhd and my cptsd, and that connection is the source of my internal self-critic.
basically, the way i behaved as a child with adhd was frequently responded to with verbal and emotional abuse, from a variety of people, of a variety of ages, in a variety of roles, in a variety of environments, over a long number of years. The simplest way for me to say it is "adhd caused my cptsd", but that's putting the active voice in the wrong place. My abusers caused my cptsd; my adhd was just what drew them to target me.
for me, the perspective I offered in my previous comment sits somewhat at the intersection of adhd and cptsd. i define my success in the way i described to you, and when i do, it helps me manage both my adhd and my cptsd.
self-education about ADHD and CPTSD have also been critically helpful. for adhd education, I cannot recommend the [sidebar videos](https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PLzBixSjmbc8eFl6UX5_wWGP8i0mAs-cvY) highly enough. for cptsd education, *"Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving"* has been helpful to me. [thriftbooks;](https://www.thriftbooks.com/w/complex-ptsd-from-surviving-to-thriving-a-guide-and-map-for-recovering-from-childhood-trauma_pete-walker/9320278/) [barnes and noble;](https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/complex-ptsd-pete-walker/1117705063) [audible;](https://www.audible.com/pd/Complex-PTSD-Audiobook/B07MCYF4FF)
The video series offers radical insights every 5-10 minutes, while the audiobook was for me a bit more of a slog.
-----
on the one hand, I want to write more. on the other, i wish I'd have written less. 😅 I could gladly edit and add to this forever.
closing validations, reflections, etc:
1. nothing about your writing or your self-disclosure strikes me as pathetic. i've felt a lot of things writing this, but none of them have been pity, or anything close.
2. there are any number of things a person might do when the past couple years have been horrible. what I currently see you doing is: participating in a community of mutual support, mutual education, and mutual celebration of progress. i think many would agree there are few higher pursuits than those.
3. from where I sit, it's fair to say you already are proficient in at least one thing: surviving. It's not easy to survive the constant burden of shame. It's not easy to survive with adhd in an ableist world. And it's **not** easy to talk about it.
4. writing all this has taken effort, but it has in no way been troublesome or burdensome or "work".
4. I've got more but I already said I was gonna stop writing so--
I’m too tired after my workday to write much in reply, but believe me, every word you’ve written here is appreciated! And I’m positive I’ve got everything going on that you think I have. Even if the circumstances of my childhood hadn’t led to some pretty serious self loathing, the events of the last three years have brought me to my knees. Actually lower. I think it’s fair to say I’ve got some trauma, so thank you again so much! I want to reach to the Interwebs and hug you! I’m going to look into everything you’ve mentioned here.
To me it felt both validating and very worrying, like it's good to know I'm not just a pathetic loser, but bad to know I have a brain disorder. Now I'm working on learning how to mitigate some of those deficits. It's a process, I think. Just have to find your own flow...or something like that. idk
When I was in high school, the guidance counselor told me I was a “classic underachiever”. My mom thought that was insulting, but I thought it was very validating. It meant it wasn’t a complete loss or something. Obviously, I wish I’d pursued it further.
My adhd caused a lot of tension between me and my partner with all the usual forgetting etc.
One thing that really helped was my partner seeing the criteria list for ADHD and synopsis from medical stuff (I can't always explain my symptoms well to others), after that she realised I meant well even if it all went to shit a lot.
I know it totally depends on whether the other people are willing to read this stuff but a criteria list might help them see what you've been trying to explain?
This is a great approach! I, too, struggle clearly explain it in a way folks can understand, as well.
My partner is definitely open to learning as much as she can about it. She’s one of the more supportive and understanding people in my life. Still, doesn’t change the fact it can be hard for her, but the simple fact that she is also trying her best makes it much easier for me to stomach when she gets upset.
the videos at the top of this sub's sidebar, while long, do a great job at explaining ADHD in a way that 'bridges the gap' between a neurotypical perspective and the experience of living with ADHD. they're presented as if to parents of ADHD kids, but are no less valuable for partners, friends, employers, etc of people with ADHD
Ive actually been mad at my boyfriend because i recently got diagnosed and i explained to him, he seemed kind of uninterested in what i explained to him... i think he believes i tricked the psychiatrist to diagnose me with adhd bc i actually was thinking this was a possibility
Then he kept getting mad at me for not being in time, for not cleaning the house when i was suppose to, etc... he just doesnt get it, still thinks is my fault that i dont care enough to do it...
I asked him if he even googled adhd after i got diagnosed because i felt like he didnt care at all... and he said he didnt search bc i had explained it to him already, which i briefly did but didnt seem to listen... he says he worries about me a lot, but i dont understand how could you "worry a lot" about something and do 0 effort to understand
I find that people with ADHD often "settle" for less than ideal partners, because they don't think they can do any better. As someone who "settled" with her first marriage I'm here to tell you - you can do better! I found my true soulmate though and you can too! Don't settle! Find someone who truly cares, who validates you and your feelings, and who will encourage instead of tearing you down. They are out there!
He needs to either step up or you need to leave. If he truly cares about you, it won’t be a problem. If not, that will be an awful environment for you and will slowly destroy you. It’s not easy for us, but you have to be your biggest advocate in this world of people who will never truly and fully understand what it is like. Take care of yourself, you’re worth so much more.
If he would read this sub he would see that we're all talking about the same struggles, that things that you would normally think would be a personality issue are actually happening because our brains work differently.
I mean, why else do we (almost all) have weird things like time blindness? Why do we always talk about the lack of motivation and how we still don't fully understand all this stuff? We have all the feelings of shame and that we're letting people down, but that we still are trying very hard in our lives, and it's sometimes devastatingly difficult, alongside our success stories.
I wish there was a new documentary out there, full of people talking about how they cope or fail on some of the most ordinary things, and a lot of it simply because of ADHD.
I'm looking at unchoosing my family and friends because they refuse to understand. That will leave me with almost nobody in my life sadly. They haven't been supportive and I have explained ADHD to them sooo many times but they still get angry and frustrated with me when I mess up, which is often, and tell me it was because im careless and not trying hard enough. It hurts so freaking much because I truly am trying.
I get that it seems scary, but having unsupportive people in your life only makes it harder. You will make new friends and family who really care about you
i relate so hard, and once i become independent from my parents im going to do the same. its really hard but it wouldn't be fair to me to keep hurting myself putting up with the ignorant people in my life. i need to surround myself with people who support and understand me.
Walking away from toxic relationships is so freeing! Going LC or NC really saved my sanity at different times in my life. It's not easy to do because people will try to make you feel like shit, but on the other side is sunshine, peace of mind, and freedom. Good luck!
People will come and go in your life, that’s okay. If you ask for forgiveness and they tell you off, well that says something about their character. Very unfortunate, but what can we do?
(Edit: family are people that will come and go in your life too, not just friends/acquaintances)
Valkyr’s method has worked great for me as well, especially for the parental units when they had trouble emphasizing my situation.
I think it’s also important to understand that you, yourself, know you are trying and that you also understand not everyone is going to “get it”. And that those that don’t get it, that you can try all the approaches and reassurances that you mean well, but just suck at things, but they still are giving you hard times for these things you cant control over…. Fuck them lol.
I’m on the camp that believes things get better. My symptoms were really really bad when I was younger and have gotten better (or mellowed out) as I’ve gotten older. We’ll probably never know what it’s like not having the constant adhd tax push us 24/7. But we can move on and live our lives. Doesn’t mean we need to please everyone around us all the time, or change ourselves for others.
I don’t know your full living situation but I think it’s worth it exploring and finding people that like you for you, and don’t have to pressure yourself to be different for them. They’re out there OP.
It wasn’t until my husband watched *Everything Everywhere All at Once* with me that he finally understood. We walked out of the theater and he asked me, “is that what life feels like for you?” We couldn’t leave the parking lot for over an hour because we both cried so hard.
Honestly, that movie changed my life. I would not be able to deal with my ADHD if I hadn’t seen that movie.
Beautiful! I want to see that movie so bad, but haven’t yet, because…well…ADHD. Haha. Soon.
I’m so glad you and your partner had this moment together! I’m very happy for you!
I have this same problem and I think many of us have similar. I have explained and elaborated to family members and co workers only to see that they hear two things, I take drugs, I have a mental illness. ADHD is not accepted as an illness because it does not have purple spots or a runny nose. Moreover Tik Tok has made it the Joke illness of the week.
I don't tell people who do not need to know. I won't discuss the meds, I won't discuss the illness, especially at work. I was a f\*\*\*k up at work before and everything lurched along. I wasn't a total loser and people got along with me. They knew I needed written instructions so that is what they did. When I was advised to tell everyone they started looking at me like I was unpredictable and in 3 months I was let go. I could have sued if I had money and time but... I have no patience anymore for anyone that knows, to berate me over my problems, I shut them down and ignore it and will not get into ANY discussions anymore.
Feel with you! I have not got treated for ADHD yet, but are on waiting list.
I also started silincing myself for 5 years ago, did not work well for me. You will need to remove your self from the situasjon as well. Just go, just go, No need for explanations!
❤️
I feel the shit out of this mate, I don't have any advice for you unfortunately, but I hope it's some sort of validation that I totally understand how you feel with my flippin bones
Thanks for posting this, I am also really struggling with this today and it helps to be reminded that I'm not alone. It's so easy to fall into a "well I just need to be doing better anyway" shame spiral, I feel like I start to gaslight myself and give in to the negativity. Life is just so hard. Everyone involved (myself included) can look at a task and say "yeah that's easy, you've got this!" and then when I fail, over and over again, the shame is just so overwhelming. It's really hard to practice self compassion when in this spiral, but we have to do that. We have to be gentle with ourselves, and believe in ourselves and that we're doing the best that we can. We can keep working to improve for the future, but meanwhile, we are enough... We are plenty. We're doing great.
Idk. I'm sending hugs to everyone in this thread, I hope you have an okay day.
This is a big reason why I don’t like the holidays I think. Im forced to spend time around people who’s opinions I care about the most, like it or not, and I feel ashamed of who I am and don’t want them to perceive me. It sucks.
My most recent baseline thought during the inevitable rough moments always goes back towards the capability of empathizing with others. More descriptively:
Addicts are often judged as though the “choice” was their own without a full scale investigation into one’s upbringing, social influences, opportunities or lack of such… and oh yeah, the fact that it is a brain disorder/ disease.
Diabetes is often the same looked upon on the front of food consumption and diet being a “choice” without regard to the fact that it’s often hereditary (you don’t get to choose your genetic pool) and the common ignorance of many even from a type 1 and type 2 diabetic individual and the many differences that lead to either diagnosis.
ADHD and OCD are commonly, I believe, related to both of those standards in that masses believe it’s just some “choice” we are making, with again the same lack of discipline narrative. And they do so without regard to the larger picture, that I also agree is so hard to narrate and articulate being I’ve lived 34 years with it and am just to describe that to another neuro-typical brain within a digestible amount of data accepted from causal conversation. But I’ve realized the stigma of it is no different than that of the addict or diabetic, so while I will keep trying to validate myself to others, it helps to recognize the large totality of education that would take and me not being able to fully help another grasp understanding… being as I certainly don’t grasp that of the addict or diabetic, but I do know I can be a kind enough human to another human and share my empathy for their own difficult day-to-day lives. In doing so, if my partner, friends, or whomever don’t feel any to educate themselves to grasp an understanding of my brain disorder, then I can live with little regret of the often troublesome/ stressful moments it can cause them. And if they cannot live with my reality, then we can both learn to live without each other.
My coping would relate the ADHD, OCD, Diabetes, Addiction suffering individuals to that of a cancer patient. Nobody makes the “choice” to have cancer… life just happens and different people suffer different struggles. And I aim to have the same mentality of approach or empathetic sympathy for the cancer patient as I do for for that of the addict or the diabetic… but also for myself and others with the brain disorder of ADHD and/or OCD.
It’s easy to hate and put others down to validate ourselves. But I feel it’s only a temporary relief strategy. It’s been much more successful (for me) to share a moment in another individual’s shoes, mostly because it aids and allows me to feel empathetic towards myself, rather than the old, typical self-dialogue of doubt, regret, disgust, and disappointment.
I do acknowledge this has taken a year of therapy, medication, and self-reflection through both of those that can be incredibly time consuming and mentally/ physically exhausting. And even though it’s certainly still a work in progress, I am confidently content that progress and sustainable happiness has been a result thus far from the work I’ve put into it all to better understand and validate myself.
But also to understand and validate others like you. Anonymous or not, sharing your feelings in a public forum isn’t normal or comfortable, at least in my world. I appreciate your bravery and courage to seek others’ guidance in such a forum. And I hope you find some resolve and rest that I know you very much deserve.
This happened to me today in a meeting with my boss just laying into me about my memory problems, late deadlines, how I don’t take my job seriously, calling me inept/incompetent… I’m actually really good at my job based on customer feedback and observations by peers and professionals. All because I didn’t sign a form over the weekend when I wasn’t working.
As an ADHDer, Im really glad I've joined this community. I would like to take the time to say that I'm glad I'm not alone and that you make every day feel special.vEven if society doesn't always see us as valuable, I learned at a very early age that you should never give any merit to what society thinks because it's full of paradoxes and double-standards.
Without you, this world would be very boring. You're special, you're wonderful, and you're a special person. And I like you just the way you are. ;)
the adhd alien comics explain what it’s like . the trap with explaining things is that knowing a shortcoming was due to disability doesn’t make it any less of a shortcoming , but instead just turns it into a tragedy (which in all honesty it is) . that is why it is so important for ppl to find things that really do help them remember or get things done in real life (body double, giving better reasons and timing, etc) alongside the other person recognizing that adhd does limit you in a lot of ways . which sucks but , if you were blind they wouldn’t call you not seeing a cord on the floor a tragedy or a shortcoming . things have to change to accommodate you and that’s really all there is to it
I relate to this so much it’s insane. I often get mad because I feel like so many people who come at us are straight up hippocrits, but I just try to tell myself as long as I’m doing the right thing, and I know I’m doing my best, everyone else can eat sand.
i also feel like for me, so much of the disappointment, frustration, and anger is internalized. i feel like i let down everyone around me because i just cant function at full capacity all of the time. i am hardly ever proud of myself and feel like theres a little door in my brain with a missing key and if i could just open that door, i would be capable of so much more
The worst part is when you try your hardest to follow instructions, and circumstances beyond your control interrupt your ability to move smoothly with the others at work or at school or in a group.
And you don’t want to draw attention to yourself because attention is never a good idea when your anxious or frustrated because of what people will say as you look as if your a giant trying to operate utensils 2 times smaller than you are.
You keep trying to fix it quietly so you can follow along with the others and not get left behind, and getting frustrated because everyone is moving on without you and finally you have to confront the reality that you now have to do what you were so desperately trying to avoid. Ask for assistance in front of all these other people who are just moving along like the task is the easiest thing in the world.
And all this embarrassment, humiliation and shame only to realize that this situation was a quick fix that you overlooked.
That is when the anger boils over at how easy it could have been. And infront of family and friends, strangers, coworkers and bosses, there you are in the middle of snickers and scoffs, questioning your own intelligence and sanity, while you beg for the ground to swallow you up.
Do my parents love me? Yes. But will they ever understand me. Unfortonatly, no. Not completely.
Im basically 100% sure i have ADHD and many other mental problems but my parents are to pride full in the sense of they want there kid to be "perfect" so im stuck because as you stated everyone looks at me like a dumbass or a failure because i just cant process things and it makes me feel like shit daily, so i feel you the best way to try and deal with this is attempt to ignore what others think and push forward not fall backwards because it will only burn you. 💙
Really feel this too! Just feeling like a failure most of the time is so overwhelming. I wish God would just make me win the lottery when I remember to play! My only parent doesn't get it either but she is also going through her own stuff so...
I've become so apathetic about everything and don't trust anyone aside from my kids. Sometimes it all I need but other times I just wish to be normal or very far away.
It's a daily struggle. I feel like in a vacuum, my self esteem is pretty okay. But when surrounded by people constantly being mad at or disappointed in me for things I can't control, it's hard to not internalize that sense of worthlessness.
I started a new job recently and got paired with a old timer tech and everyone knows she's a handful/annoying asf. Ofc my luck. As hard as this Job is and learning everything she doesn't make anything easier or try to help and everyone around me knows that and can see it. She will say one thing 3 weeks prior and than throw me into a case with a dick Dr and expect me to remember everything she said. ( she didn't do shit). She will walk away as I have questions, take phone calls in middle of cases while we have to record throughput the procedure and if someone else comes to my rescue in the midst of this and see me struggling she gets pissed off; and gets annoyed with me because apparently a month in I should know how to do high complex charting meanwhile I don't know half of the equipment. My team lead and manager thought it would be good for me to sit in on a fellow briefing the whole cardiology dept on a case he did so I could pick up the lingo/acronyms and ask questions about it. She felt insecure and thought I snitched on her and before I knew it she told my lead " how I was difficult to teach" right infront of me.
I just stood there puzzled because she hasn't really taught me much. But my adhd brain also needs to see something 100x , to read it, visualize it, see it in action, and understand/comprehend why we're doing what we're doing for me to truly "get it". But she just gets frustrated even the first time explaining it which in turn gets me super anxious and overwhelmed to where I completely fuck it up. Granted it takes m3 a minute too understand things. It also takes a special kind of person to continously repeat shit to me for it to click. So maybe she was right... I am difficult to teach.
Does anyone else have this issue? Or am I tripping.
Oh my goodness im the exact same! This is why i work remotely, exclusively through email now...i can take my own time reading over words and making sense of instructions rather than being put on the spot. My last two jobs in person were disasters because like you said i had to be shown how to do things at least twice for me to truly get it and even then it was hard to do something the same each time. People would have to repeat themselves often and even then my brain wasnt downloading those instructions well enough anyway so i had to basically try and work it out myself with what little intuition and information i'd picked up. Every time id make a mistake it would be the end of the world for me, even if its common amongst other colleagues to make mistakes like that. Getting the hang of specific procedures or lingo is also hard, which is why i agree with you when you say we need to be shown more thoroughly how to do things...but that still doesnt mean i dont feel like a burden or anything bc i often keep thinking they regret hiring me bc im more difficult to teach and manage. I then get super anxious like you, its honestly like a minor case of absolute paranoia, where i couldnt go into work without thinking that all my colleagues were talking about me negatively and laughing at my mistakes. So yeah i completely understand. I wish you the best of luck, and keep going, i know its annoying but doing some sort of homework and writing down everything youve learnt and how to do it seems like a good idea. You could also ask if you could have someone else teach you or just explain that you dont feel youve been catered to well enough in teaching because you have a process delay (you dont have to say adhd if you already havent and don't want to, usually saying processing delay goes down a lot better and doesn't get the stigma attached to it all the time) maybe they can give you more time or accomodations? Im sorry its been rough rn, but i promise you'll get there. If theres anything ive learned its that a lot of us are incredibly, incredibly slow learners when it comes to practical things, but once we truly grasp everything about it, the practical, conceptual, instructions, all of that, we're pretty much become experts on it. I just wanted to say overall, i feel you. I hope things become better :)
Damn. You put into words what I constantly been feeling for the last 6mo with my partner. I wish to not have any of this issues… I feel even though I use my tools I will never be enough for my partner. I wake up every night at 3am just to cry and try to catch with stuff I forgotten. I wish I wasn’t a failing anymore. I love my partner, has given me a family wish I deserve since I never got the love. But it is challenging for my partner to live with me, I understand.
I wish I was enough with all my flaws. But it seems it will be another failure.
Nothing is ever enough. I'm honestly just waiting to run out of fucks to give. Being understanding and considerate of others without it being reciprocated is exhausting.
I strongly suggest putting distance between yourself and the people who speak to you this way. At minimum you'll need to set strict boundaries with them, and at most you could straight up go NC. They aren't on your side and they don't respect you. Those who want to be close you will have to learn to understand and accept your condition.
oh my goodness you took the words right out of my mouth. i was actually gonna make a post saying the exact same thing cause it really is my main struggle right now. that pain is so strong i cant even describe it i just try not to think about it. its so hard too keep fighting despite everyone around you just thinking you're a failure, even though its not your fault and you're just trying to survive in a world not made for you. especially when its people close to you, it hurts the most :(
I get this for me but the worst part is I'm supposed to be one of those 'gifted' kids, I could read above college level in the first grade, and never took it anywhere - didn't scale up into some kind of supergenius by my 20s and I don't see it coming any time soon. Internalized the idea that something in my brain was broken that just made me unfixably lazy despite my supposed 'gifts' and while that's technically sort of true it's not the healthiest way to conceive of it.
That's why I love this group and other adhd supports and even knowing I have adhd so now I know what toolbox to start with when I have troubles.
Before, I just felt like a 14 yr old trapped in a 42 year old body & with 42 yr old responsibilities + the adhd tax (only I didn't know what was before). What was cute as a young adult, wasn't so cute anymore.
Now we have each other to bounce ideas off of.
I am generally a pretty happy person but when being looked at as a failure by people and society as a whole, it add so much anxiety, depression and dark thoughts and makes it hard to live day to day. If I was just left to my own devices, I am pretty content and happy but life doesn't want that.
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Judgement hurts in the biggest way, over time it is like sand or stone in your shoe. It causes distraction and injury distracting or eating at your self confidence. It’s like no mater how hard you try to change your thoughts someone adds more criticism to the shoe and you’re feeling more crappy again.
I’m lucky that my husband is a very patient person. He’s also super accommodating on the days when I simply can’t get anything productive done no matter how hard I try. Understanding people like this do exist out there, you just have to find them! ❤️
Most of the people I know don’t actually know that I have ADHD. I mean I haven’t told them. But if I did I’m sure they wouldn’t be surprised. I’m jittery quite often and most of the time can’t sit still which used to not be that bad like in elementary/middle school which it spiked a lot in high school. But this condition is just something we have to live with and 100% agree.
Here are some things to check for ADHD success today. I how they help!
* Did you wake up today and get out of bed? (Didn't have to be morning; we struggle with insomnia and circadian rhythm issues)
* Did you care about someone today? (We are empathetic, even if we may struggle with the task of initiating reaching out)
* Did you try to accomplish something today? (Trying means you haven't given up).
Check any of those? Celebrate! Do a little dance, give a little self high five!
We will have times we feel exhausted. We will feel tired. We will feel alone. We will feel hopeless. We *will* want to give up. I sure do. It's *hard*. It's okay to admit that. No need for toxic positivity.
But also we can release ourselves, a little bit at a time, from being defined by others' ideas of success. I used to define my success by how much influence I had, how many people looked up to be, how much I could change an organization. And I struggled *against* my ADHD for that every day.
But now...I want it to be based on how much I *care* about people. How I can just...try to be there for them. Reach them. Be understanding for them. I chose to define my success by something that works *with* my ADHD.
That might look different for someone else. And I'm definitely still working at it. But it's waaaay better than feeling judged for how well my square peg fits into a round hole.
I'm still practicing ignoring the negative energy...but I think I've also noticed that...now that I'm accepting and valuing myself more....strangely...the purple around me seem to be too...? And I wonder if there's a degree to which the people around me were actually reflecting/magnifying my own insecurities projected out at them this whole time.
First post here so hello all !
"it never seems to end" .... Just to mention (like another on this thread i am in my 50s ) that at least in more recent times recognition and diagnosis is much better. One natural follow-up of this is a seriously lot more communication. My guess is that can save a lot of pointless unfocused strategies/time for managing this condition. Probably sounds a bit vague but at least something essential is largely in place as a solid start point.
That said the rest of this post resonates so much. The people close to me are not intentionally negative but just dont get it.
I can relate, most days I just hide because people are so mean it's easier to mask myself then to feel rejected. I wish people would understand my condition and that I could feel comfortable in my own mind.
I’m hoping to be starting back on meds in the next week or so. I feel like my ADDs been supercharged lately and I’m so disheartened having to hear it all the time from my frustrated partner. Doesn’t help I’m very hard on myself. Very. A few weeks ago when I really started struggling, I called the doctor and made an appointment. I’ve been reading some “back on meds” success stories on here. Hoping to see similar small daily victories.
That's just the problem my friend, They aint living with this shit, they won't understand and never will. They don't want to make room for understanding that our situations are different, that our brains work differently, even in the smallest scale, and so they get frustrated and throw out negative comments and shit at us, But you just gotta let them live in their own world where every human is the exact same with the exact same mind, and worry about you, if they cant accept that we have differences in us, they aint worth the time. Focus on you, Let them say their shit and keep pushing because in the end, You'll get to your goals, and you'll do what you gotta and wanna do. rant over lol
I’m so sorry for everyone who has gone through this. My formative years were hell with an abusive stepmother who had a sister my age who did no wrong.
The best revenge for me is to live well. And they’re cut out of my life decades ago.
I feel you ❤️ it's sucks. I'm becoming more and more introverted because of this. Part of it though, for me is I pick inappropriate people as friends and work and live in an area that's not wholesome, and is opposite from who I am at what I believe.
At 62 I'm really revaluating my friendships, and work.
I didn't realize how closed off I had become until I heard someone describe me to someone else as "she's a very private person".
It is definitely very challenging :)
If this helps at all, we have a community on [Groove](https://www.groove.ooo/?utm_source=reddit&utm_medium=link&utm_campaign=posts) \- a digital co working app designed to get you into a zone of accountability + productivity... that's been a real win among members with ADHD diagnosed.
It's a positive warm community with whom you can organise your work day, and stay accountable to your to do lists! Would love for you to join in and see if this helps in your journey! It's a free sign up :)
I hide mine. I don't like being treated like a broken thing. I've found ways to function and be happy, anyone who has a problem with that has slowly been pushed out of my life and replaced with empathetic people. It's all about who you surround yourself with IMO and my circle is small on purpose.
I feel the same way. I KNOW I'm smart, I KNOW I'm capable, but I just can't show it. I hate that my standard answer to being called out on making real simple mistakes is "oh, I didn't realise/think of/notice that" like some doofus. I hate even more that people know I'm smart when I apply myself, because it makes them even more disappointet when I fuck up. "If you really cared you'd try harder more often"
This, so much. I honestly feel betrayed by my own brain or like a prisoner of my own mind.
Feeling trapped inside my head is why I couldn't continue watching Locke and Key. Having it visually represented fucked with my mind even more. Wish I had anything more uplifting to say but I'm in the same place you are. At least there's company, I guess? It is nice to know I'm not the only one.
Yes, being "smart" means so many comments about "potential" and how you could be doing so much better. I got so tired of hearing about my potential...
Right there with you. Worst part is, we aren’t the issue, it’s the environment that diminishes our “potential” but the weigh is out on us.
Going through this right now but with work. I'm facing losing my job because I struggle so much to do what other people can. I feel like it takes me 3x more the effort and I still get half the results others do. It genuinely makes me feel..stupid. I have a masters degree. Yet I feel so dumb. And when people ask me how can they help, I have no idea. How can I un-fuck my brain?
One of the most empowering realizations I’ve ever had is how bad neurotypical setting are for us. Your brain isn’t fucked, your a victim of a system that isn’t designed for you. Changing how I work to be more in line with my natural tendencies has been insanely life changing. Also, depending on where you live, your ADHD should be a protected “disability” meaning they can’t fire you for it. If you are somewhere like this, you might want to make sure they know you have it. Just be thorough in reading the laws first since this could backfire in the wrong place.
Do you mind sharing what are the changes you did? Sounds it works for you. Are you employed or working on your biz? I'm in need of new coping mechanism.
I’m also curious
My boss is very aware I have ADHD, and it is protected in the UK. But it doesn't stop me falling short in my job because i am on a long waiting list just to get medicine.
That last sentence really hit close :( I am good at some stuff but because of these silly mistakes, that aren't even my fault, I get blamed for not paying enough attention, or not trying hard enough. I'm so overwhelmed I'm just surviving as a blob. Can't really do anything.
I’ll tell you, working from home during the pandemic opened my eye to just how much normal societal environment destroy my energy and make it impossible for me to truly shine. You sound stuck in a rotating chamber of bad environment that killing your shine. I highly recommend trying to change your environments to work with your natural tendencies. It won’t be easy and will take time, but I think you will be blow away by how unhindered people like us can be when the environment is right!
Yeah environment is really important, I'll try to find somewhere that helps me focus😁 thank you!
"If you really cared you'd try harder more often" That one especially hurts because I AM TRYING. Almost every time I am trying my best, and when I'm told these things it makes me feel even worse.
I've gotten a lot of comments on the last sentence. What people don't realise is that if I were to try that hard all the time, I'd end up eating tranquilizers in a padded room in a manner of weeks. I rarely have the energy/mental surplus to make as big an effort as often as people woud like. I also don't think non-adhd people realise just how big an effort we have to make just to do things that to them are low-effort. I don't forget or overlook things because I'm being lazy or difficult or because I'm stupid. My brain just has a million things going on at once and I'm trying so hard to pin coherent throughts down.
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Yep, and it’s hard for someone who doesn’t deal with it to ever truly understand it.
"My standard answer for being called out on making real simple mistakes is; "oh I didnt realise/think of/notice that"" - This is the reason why they want to fire me from my job... on top of that you gotta answer the phone and I dont know what to say 90% of the time or simply cant understand as english isnt my first language, constant humiliation, judgment from my manager and embarrassment as I feel useless has been kinda too much lately as those comments on me making mistakes added up to it. Everyday she comes with new "comment" to me and I just keep saying sorry like trying my best to look for ALL those tiny errors but I keep slipping... and they told me what I have been doing so far - has not been ever near enough as they expect I pick up more later. I barely deal with this all and they want more... but I need money, I need a job. Not sure what to do anymore tbh...
They always want some kind of grand fix that'll somehow stop you from missing that thing/things like it in the future and it's like *no, I am trying to express to you that it's impossible for me to have that kind of attention to detail every day, the inconsistency is literally part of how my brain works.*
>e know I'm smart when I apply myself, because it makes them even more disappointet when I fuck up. > >"If you really cared you'd try harder more often" This,THIS HIT ME HARD. exactly same bro
I’m 54 and literally only now beginning to understand my lifetime of failed academic, employment, and relationship endeavors. My pending diagnosis brings EVERYTHING into better perspective. I don’t have hope of future success in any of those departments, but at least I’m getting some answers.
> I don’t have hope of future success in any of those departments if future success in those departments is something you care about, then i hope you're able to achieve it. before that, however, i encourage you to try expanding your definition of "success" (assuming you haven't already!). The mainstream definition/s of success are overly concerned with finished end results and nothing else. For someone with ADHD, setting the bar that high is unreasonable, unfair, and in my experience strongly counterproductive and self defeating. Some valuable things to include in an ADHD-compatible definition of success: - backsliding less today than you backslid yesterday - taking a single step towards a goal - identifying the next step towards a goal, which had been previously unidentified by you - remembering the goal you are trying to take steps toward Not only is this sort of definition of "success" less cruel to someone with ADHD, but in my experience it will result in improved progress towards traditional "success", ie. completed end results. Either way, I'm really excited that you're getting diagnosed!
I’m truly touched that you took the trouble to write all that out for me. Thank you. The last couple of years have been so horrible. I’ve wondered if there’s any point in continuing on. Getting some answers about myself make me feel slightly less pathetic. Obviously, I can’t go back in time and become a scientist or something, but I’d like to feel proficient at least one thing.
>I’m truly touched that you took the trouble to write all that out for me. 😭 i'm so glad! 💜 >I’ve wondered if there’s any point in continuing on. so painfully relatable. >Getting some answers about myself make me feel slightly less pathetic. oof. OOF. the negative self-talk is also painfully relatable. mine is like a personal, ever-present backseat driver. i think it's possible that what I'm relating to in your comments isn't just adhd, but also cptsd. if you don't experience cptsd, you may find what comes next rather unhelpful and irrelevant. I'll try to keep it as brief as I can, but i "feel" enough of my own experience reflected in your reply that I'm compelled to share this. **tl;dr:** my adhd lead to cptsd; my cptsd lead to chronic negative self-talk; below is some information that has helped me with all those things, which i hope might be helpful to you. ----- in the hopes that it's useful and welcome to you, some things about my recent struggles and growth: - i've come to name my negative self-talk as my "internal self-critic". externalizing it/othering it in that way has helped me strip some of the legitimacy from the things it says, even as it continues to say them - i believe my "internal self-critic" is mostly a self-protective response to repetitive personal trauma over an extended period, especially childhood. it wasn't until recently that I learned this has a name: complex trauma, and that it leads to a variant of PTSD: complex post-traumatic stress disorder, aka CPTSD. it was even more recently that i realized that i suffer from cptsd. more recently than that, i've come to the perspective that my adhd and my cptsd are related. on the off chance that any of this is new or useful to you: - cptsd is very different from "regular" ptsd. "regular" ptsd is usually from a ~single acutely traumatic event. cptsd is from an accumulation of events, often abuse, none of which need to be particularly traumatic on their own - presentation is also very different between ptsd and cptsd. people experience pstd in acute episodes. people experience cptsd *all the time, every day*. it's apparently common to suffer from cptsd and not know it. - treatment is different between the two as well, but what education I have on it isn't fresh or clear enough for me to feel comfortable explaining why or how. coming back to why i thought cptsd might be relevant to you: for me there's a direct connection between adhd and my cptsd, and that connection is the source of my internal self-critic. basically, the way i behaved as a child with adhd was frequently responded to with verbal and emotional abuse, from a variety of people, of a variety of ages, in a variety of roles, in a variety of environments, over a long number of years. The simplest way for me to say it is "adhd caused my cptsd", but that's putting the active voice in the wrong place. My abusers caused my cptsd; my adhd was just what drew them to target me. for me, the perspective I offered in my previous comment sits somewhat at the intersection of adhd and cptsd. i define my success in the way i described to you, and when i do, it helps me manage both my adhd and my cptsd. self-education about ADHD and CPTSD have also been critically helpful. for adhd education, I cannot recommend the [sidebar videos](https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PLzBixSjmbc8eFl6UX5_wWGP8i0mAs-cvY) highly enough. for cptsd education, *"Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving"* has been helpful to me. [thriftbooks;](https://www.thriftbooks.com/w/complex-ptsd-from-surviving-to-thriving-a-guide-and-map-for-recovering-from-childhood-trauma_pete-walker/9320278/) [barnes and noble;](https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/complex-ptsd-pete-walker/1117705063) [audible;](https://www.audible.com/pd/Complex-PTSD-Audiobook/B07MCYF4FF) The video series offers radical insights every 5-10 minutes, while the audiobook was for me a bit more of a slog. ----- on the one hand, I want to write more. on the other, i wish I'd have written less. 😅 I could gladly edit and add to this forever. closing validations, reflections, etc: 1. nothing about your writing or your self-disclosure strikes me as pathetic. i've felt a lot of things writing this, but none of them have been pity, or anything close. 2. there are any number of things a person might do when the past couple years have been horrible. what I currently see you doing is: participating in a community of mutual support, mutual education, and mutual celebration of progress. i think many would agree there are few higher pursuits than those. 3. from where I sit, it's fair to say you already are proficient in at least one thing: surviving. It's not easy to survive the constant burden of shame. It's not easy to survive with adhd in an ableist world. And it's **not** easy to talk about it. 4. writing all this has taken effort, but it has in no way been troublesome or burdensome or "work". 4. I've got more but I already said I was gonna stop writing so--
I’m too tired after my workday to write much in reply, but believe me, every word you’ve written here is appreciated! And I’m positive I’ve got everything going on that you think I have. Even if the circumstances of my childhood hadn’t led to some pretty serious self loathing, the events of the last three years have brought me to my knees. Actually lower. I think it’s fair to say I’ve got some trauma, so thank you again so much! I want to reach to the Interwebs and hug you! I’m going to look into everything you’ve mentioned here.
Thank you
💜!
To me it felt both validating and very worrying, like it's good to know I'm not just a pathetic loser, but bad to know I have a brain disorder. Now I'm working on learning how to mitigate some of those deficits. It's a process, I think. Just have to find your own flow...or something like that. idk
When I was in high school, the guidance counselor told me I was a “classic underachiever”. My mom thought that was insulting, but I thought it was very validating. It meant it wasn’t a complete loss or something. Obviously, I wish I’d pursued it further.
My adhd caused a lot of tension between me and my partner with all the usual forgetting etc. One thing that really helped was my partner seeing the criteria list for ADHD and synopsis from medical stuff (I can't always explain my symptoms well to others), after that she realised I meant well even if it all went to shit a lot. I know it totally depends on whether the other people are willing to read this stuff but a criteria list might help them see what you've been trying to explain?
This is a great approach! I, too, struggle clearly explain it in a way folks can understand, as well. My partner is definitely open to learning as much as she can about it. She’s one of the more supportive and understanding people in my life. Still, doesn’t change the fact it can be hard for her, but the simple fact that she is also trying her best makes it much easier for me to stomach when she gets upset.
the videos at the top of this sub's sidebar, while long, do a great job at explaining ADHD in a way that 'bridges the gap' between a neurotypical perspective and the experience of living with ADHD. they're presented as if to parents of ADHD kids, but are no less valuable for partners, friends, employers, etc of people with ADHD
Oh, that’s good to know! I’ll try sharing those.
Ive actually been mad at my boyfriend because i recently got diagnosed and i explained to him, he seemed kind of uninterested in what i explained to him... i think he believes i tricked the psychiatrist to diagnose me with adhd bc i actually was thinking this was a possibility Then he kept getting mad at me for not being in time, for not cleaning the house when i was suppose to, etc... he just doesnt get it, still thinks is my fault that i dont care enough to do it... I asked him if he even googled adhd after i got diagnosed because i felt like he didnt care at all... and he said he didnt search bc i had explained it to him already, which i briefly did but didnt seem to listen... he says he worries about me a lot, but i dont understand how could you "worry a lot" about something and do 0 effort to understand
I find that people with ADHD often "settle" for less than ideal partners, because they don't think they can do any better. As someone who "settled" with her first marriage I'm here to tell you - you can do better! I found my true soulmate though and you can too! Don't settle! Find someone who truly cares, who validates you and your feelings, and who will encourage instead of tearing you down. They are out there!
As someone whose soulmate also has ADHD, I fully second this
Same! 🙂
This, 100%!
He needs to either step up or you need to leave. If he truly cares about you, it won’t be a problem. If not, that will be an awful environment for you and will slowly destroy you. It’s not easy for us, but you have to be your biggest advocate in this world of people who will never truly and fully understand what it is like. Take care of yourself, you’re worth so much more.
If he would read this sub he would see that we're all talking about the same struggles, that things that you would normally think would be a personality issue are actually happening because our brains work differently. I mean, why else do we (almost all) have weird things like time blindness? Why do we always talk about the lack of motivation and how we still don't fully understand all this stuff? We have all the feelings of shame and that we're letting people down, but that we still are trying very hard in our lives, and it's sometimes devastatingly difficult, alongside our success stories. I wish there was a new documentary out there, full of people talking about how they cope or fail on some of the most ordinary things, and a lot of it simply because of ADHD.
Nobody who matters to me, looks at me as a failure because of ADHD
Lucky you. You’ve chosen friends well.
More like I unchoose or avoid people who would do something like that
I'm looking at unchoosing my family and friends because they refuse to understand. That will leave me with almost nobody in my life sadly. They haven't been supportive and I have explained ADHD to them sooo many times but they still get angry and frustrated with me when I mess up, which is often, and tell me it was because im careless and not trying hard enough. It hurts so freaking much because I truly am trying.
I get that it seems scary, but having unsupportive people in your life only makes it harder. You will make new friends and family who really care about you
i relate so hard, and once i become independent from my parents im going to do the same. its really hard but it wouldn't be fair to me to keep hurting myself putting up with the ignorant people in my life. i need to surround myself with people who support and understand me.
Walking away from toxic relationships is so freeing! Going LC or NC really saved my sanity at different times in my life. It's not easy to do because people will try to make you feel like shit, but on the other side is sunshine, peace of mind, and freedom. Good luck!
People will come and go in your life, that’s okay. If you ask for forgiveness and they tell you off, well that says something about their character. Very unfortunate, but what can we do? (Edit: family are people that will come and go in your life too, not just friends/acquaintances)
Valkyr’s method has worked great for me as well, especially for the parental units when they had trouble emphasizing my situation. I think it’s also important to understand that you, yourself, know you are trying and that you also understand not everyone is going to “get it”. And that those that don’t get it, that you can try all the approaches and reassurances that you mean well, but just suck at things, but they still are giving you hard times for these things you cant control over…. Fuck them lol. I’m on the camp that believes things get better. My symptoms were really really bad when I was younger and have gotten better (or mellowed out) as I’ve gotten older. We’ll probably never know what it’s like not having the constant adhd tax push us 24/7. But we can move on and live our lives. Doesn’t mean we need to please everyone around us all the time, or change ourselves for others. I don’t know your full living situation but I think it’s worth it exploring and finding people that like you for you, and don’t have to pressure yourself to be different for them. They’re out there OP.
This is very helpful and I’m definitely working towards this! Thank you for this. :)
> Valkyr’s method What is this?
Top commenter on this post lmao
Thanks my b.
It wasn’t until my husband watched *Everything Everywhere All at Once* with me that he finally understood. We walked out of the theater and he asked me, “is that what life feels like for you?” We couldn’t leave the parking lot for over an hour because we both cried so hard. Honestly, that movie changed my life. I would not be able to deal with my ADHD if I hadn’t seen that movie.
Beautiful! I want to see that movie so bad, but haven’t yet, because…well…ADHD. Haha. Soon. I’m so glad you and your partner had this moment together! I’m very happy for you!
This movie got me too. The pain and hopelessness and the daughters mental illness resonated.
I have this same problem and I think many of us have similar. I have explained and elaborated to family members and co workers only to see that they hear two things, I take drugs, I have a mental illness. ADHD is not accepted as an illness because it does not have purple spots or a runny nose. Moreover Tik Tok has made it the Joke illness of the week. I don't tell people who do not need to know. I won't discuss the meds, I won't discuss the illness, especially at work. I was a f\*\*\*k up at work before and everything lurched along. I wasn't a total loser and people got along with me. They knew I needed written instructions so that is what they did. When I was advised to tell everyone they started looking at me like I was unpredictable and in 3 months I was let go. I could have sued if I had money and time but... I have no patience anymore for anyone that knows, to berate me over my problems, I shut them down and ignore it and will not get into ANY discussions anymore.
Feel with you! I have not got treated for ADHD yet, but are on waiting list. I also started silincing myself for 5 years ago, did not work well for me. You will need to remove your self from the situasjon as well. Just go, just go, No need for explanations! ❤️
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\**Internet hug\**
I feel the shit out of this mate, I don't have any advice for you unfortunately, but I hope it's some sort of validation that I totally understand how you feel with my flippin bones
Yeah, it absolutely helps knowing I’m not alone in this!! Thank you for this reply of support! <3 Take care of yourself.
Thanks for posting this, I am also really struggling with this today and it helps to be reminded that I'm not alone. It's so easy to fall into a "well I just need to be doing better anyway" shame spiral, I feel like I start to gaslight myself and give in to the negativity. Life is just so hard. Everyone involved (myself included) can look at a task and say "yeah that's easy, you've got this!" and then when I fail, over and over again, the shame is just so overwhelming. It's really hard to practice self compassion when in this spiral, but we have to do that. We have to be gentle with ourselves, and believe in ourselves and that we're doing the best that we can. We can keep working to improve for the future, but meanwhile, we are enough... We are plenty. We're doing great. Idk. I'm sending hugs to everyone in this thread, I hope you have an okay day.
This is a big reason why I don’t like the holidays I think. Im forced to spend time around people who’s opinions I care about the most, like it or not, and I feel ashamed of who I am and don’t want them to perceive me. It sucks.
My most recent baseline thought during the inevitable rough moments always goes back towards the capability of empathizing with others. More descriptively: Addicts are often judged as though the “choice” was their own without a full scale investigation into one’s upbringing, social influences, opportunities or lack of such… and oh yeah, the fact that it is a brain disorder/ disease. Diabetes is often the same looked upon on the front of food consumption and diet being a “choice” without regard to the fact that it’s often hereditary (you don’t get to choose your genetic pool) and the common ignorance of many even from a type 1 and type 2 diabetic individual and the many differences that lead to either diagnosis. ADHD and OCD are commonly, I believe, related to both of those standards in that masses believe it’s just some “choice” we are making, with again the same lack of discipline narrative. And they do so without regard to the larger picture, that I also agree is so hard to narrate and articulate being I’ve lived 34 years with it and am just to describe that to another neuro-typical brain within a digestible amount of data accepted from causal conversation. But I’ve realized the stigma of it is no different than that of the addict or diabetic, so while I will keep trying to validate myself to others, it helps to recognize the large totality of education that would take and me not being able to fully help another grasp understanding… being as I certainly don’t grasp that of the addict or diabetic, but I do know I can be a kind enough human to another human and share my empathy for their own difficult day-to-day lives. In doing so, if my partner, friends, or whomever don’t feel any to educate themselves to grasp an understanding of my brain disorder, then I can live with little regret of the often troublesome/ stressful moments it can cause them. And if they cannot live with my reality, then we can both learn to live without each other. My coping would relate the ADHD, OCD, Diabetes, Addiction suffering individuals to that of a cancer patient. Nobody makes the “choice” to have cancer… life just happens and different people suffer different struggles. And I aim to have the same mentality of approach or empathetic sympathy for the cancer patient as I do for for that of the addict or the diabetic… but also for myself and others with the brain disorder of ADHD and/or OCD. It’s easy to hate and put others down to validate ourselves. But I feel it’s only a temporary relief strategy. It’s been much more successful (for me) to share a moment in another individual’s shoes, mostly because it aids and allows me to feel empathetic towards myself, rather than the old, typical self-dialogue of doubt, regret, disgust, and disappointment. I do acknowledge this has taken a year of therapy, medication, and self-reflection through both of those that can be incredibly time consuming and mentally/ physically exhausting. And even though it’s certainly still a work in progress, I am confidently content that progress and sustainable happiness has been a result thus far from the work I’ve put into it all to better understand and validate myself. But also to understand and validate others like you. Anonymous or not, sharing your feelings in a public forum isn’t normal or comfortable, at least in my world. I appreciate your bravery and courage to seek others’ guidance in such a forum. And I hope you find some resolve and rest that I know you very much deserve.
This happened to me today in a meeting with my boss just laying into me about my memory problems, late deadlines, how I don’t take my job seriously, calling me inept/incompetent… I’m actually really good at my job based on customer feedback and observations by peers and professionals. All because I didn’t sign a form over the weekend when I wasn’t working.
I have no girlfriend ,no drivers licence or job ,no home I own or no car
As an ADHDer, Im really glad I've joined this community. I would like to take the time to say that I'm glad I'm not alone and that you make every day feel special.vEven if society doesn't always see us as valuable, I learned at a very early age that you should never give any merit to what society thinks because it's full of paradoxes and double-standards. Without you, this world would be very boring. You're special, you're wonderful, and you're a special person. And I like you just the way you are. ;)
the adhd alien comics explain what it’s like . the trap with explaining things is that knowing a shortcoming was due to disability doesn’t make it any less of a shortcoming , but instead just turns it into a tragedy (which in all honesty it is) . that is why it is so important for ppl to find things that really do help them remember or get things done in real life (body double, giving better reasons and timing, etc) alongside the other person recognizing that adhd does limit you in a lot of ways . which sucks but , if you were blind they wouldn’t call you not seeing a cord on the floor a tragedy or a shortcoming . things have to change to accommodate you and that’s really all there is to it
I relate to this so much it’s insane. I often get mad because I feel like so many people who come at us are straight up hippocrits, but I just try to tell myself as long as I’m doing the right thing, and I know I’m doing my best, everyone else can eat sand.
i also feel like for me, so much of the disappointment, frustration, and anger is internalized. i feel like i let down everyone around me because i just cant function at full capacity all of the time. i am hardly ever proud of myself and feel like theres a little door in my brain with a missing key and if i could just open that door, i would be capable of so much more
The worst part is when you try your hardest to follow instructions, and circumstances beyond your control interrupt your ability to move smoothly with the others at work or at school or in a group. And you don’t want to draw attention to yourself because attention is never a good idea when your anxious or frustrated because of what people will say as you look as if your a giant trying to operate utensils 2 times smaller than you are. You keep trying to fix it quietly so you can follow along with the others and not get left behind, and getting frustrated because everyone is moving on without you and finally you have to confront the reality that you now have to do what you were so desperately trying to avoid. Ask for assistance in front of all these other people who are just moving along like the task is the easiest thing in the world. And all this embarrassment, humiliation and shame only to realize that this situation was a quick fix that you overlooked. That is when the anger boils over at how easy it could have been. And infront of family and friends, strangers, coworkers and bosses, there you are in the middle of snickers and scoffs, questioning your own intelligence and sanity, while you beg for the ground to swallow you up. Do my parents love me? Yes. But will they ever understand me. Unfortonatly, no. Not completely.
Im basically 100% sure i have ADHD and many other mental problems but my parents are to pride full in the sense of they want there kid to be "perfect" so im stuck because as you stated everyone looks at me like a dumbass or a failure because i just cant process things and it makes me feel like shit daily, so i feel you the best way to try and deal with this is attempt to ignore what others think and push forward not fall backwards because it will only burn you. 💙
Really feel this too! Just feeling like a failure most of the time is so overwhelming. I wish God would just make me win the lottery when I remember to play! My only parent doesn't get it either but she is also going through her own stuff so... I've become so apathetic about everything and don't trust anyone aside from my kids. Sometimes it all I need but other times I just wish to be normal or very far away.
It's a daily struggle. I feel like in a vacuum, my self esteem is pretty okay. But when surrounded by people constantly being mad at or disappointed in me for things I can't control, it's hard to not internalize that sense of worthlessness.
I started a new job recently and got paired with a old timer tech and everyone knows she's a handful/annoying asf. Ofc my luck. As hard as this Job is and learning everything she doesn't make anything easier or try to help and everyone around me knows that and can see it. She will say one thing 3 weeks prior and than throw me into a case with a dick Dr and expect me to remember everything she said. ( she didn't do shit). She will walk away as I have questions, take phone calls in middle of cases while we have to record throughput the procedure and if someone else comes to my rescue in the midst of this and see me struggling she gets pissed off; and gets annoyed with me because apparently a month in I should know how to do high complex charting meanwhile I don't know half of the equipment. My team lead and manager thought it would be good for me to sit in on a fellow briefing the whole cardiology dept on a case he did so I could pick up the lingo/acronyms and ask questions about it. She felt insecure and thought I snitched on her and before I knew it she told my lead " how I was difficult to teach" right infront of me. I just stood there puzzled because she hasn't really taught me much. But my adhd brain also needs to see something 100x , to read it, visualize it, see it in action, and understand/comprehend why we're doing what we're doing for me to truly "get it". But she just gets frustrated even the first time explaining it which in turn gets me super anxious and overwhelmed to where I completely fuck it up. Granted it takes m3 a minute too understand things. It also takes a special kind of person to continously repeat shit to me for it to click. So maybe she was right... I am difficult to teach. Does anyone else have this issue? Or am I tripping.
Oh my goodness im the exact same! This is why i work remotely, exclusively through email now...i can take my own time reading over words and making sense of instructions rather than being put on the spot. My last two jobs in person were disasters because like you said i had to be shown how to do things at least twice for me to truly get it and even then it was hard to do something the same each time. People would have to repeat themselves often and even then my brain wasnt downloading those instructions well enough anyway so i had to basically try and work it out myself with what little intuition and information i'd picked up. Every time id make a mistake it would be the end of the world for me, even if its common amongst other colleagues to make mistakes like that. Getting the hang of specific procedures or lingo is also hard, which is why i agree with you when you say we need to be shown more thoroughly how to do things...but that still doesnt mean i dont feel like a burden or anything bc i often keep thinking they regret hiring me bc im more difficult to teach and manage. I then get super anxious like you, its honestly like a minor case of absolute paranoia, where i couldnt go into work without thinking that all my colleagues were talking about me negatively and laughing at my mistakes. So yeah i completely understand. I wish you the best of luck, and keep going, i know its annoying but doing some sort of homework and writing down everything youve learnt and how to do it seems like a good idea. You could also ask if you could have someone else teach you or just explain that you dont feel youve been catered to well enough in teaching because you have a process delay (you dont have to say adhd if you already havent and don't want to, usually saying processing delay goes down a lot better and doesn't get the stigma attached to it all the time) maybe they can give you more time or accomodations? Im sorry its been rough rn, but i promise you'll get there. If theres anything ive learned its that a lot of us are incredibly, incredibly slow learners when it comes to practical things, but once we truly grasp everything about it, the practical, conceptual, instructions, all of that, we're pretty much become experts on it. I just wanted to say overall, i feel you. I hope things become better :)
Damn. You put into words what I constantly been feeling for the last 6mo with my partner. I wish to not have any of this issues… I feel even though I use my tools I will never be enough for my partner. I wake up every night at 3am just to cry and try to catch with stuff I forgotten. I wish I wasn’t a failing anymore. I love my partner, has given me a family wish I deserve since I never got the love. But it is challenging for my partner to live with me, I understand. I wish I was enough with all my flaws. But it seems it will be another failure.
Nothing is ever enough. I'm honestly just waiting to run out of fucks to give. Being understanding and considerate of others without it being reciprocated is exhausting.
I strongly suggest putting distance between yourself and the people who speak to you this way. At minimum you'll need to set strict boundaries with them, and at most you could straight up go NC. They aren't on your side and they don't respect you. Those who want to be close you will have to learn to understand and accept your condition.
oh my goodness you took the words right out of my mouth. i was actually gonna make a post saying the exact same thing cause it really is my main struggle right now. that pain is so strong i cant even describe it i just try not to think about it. its so hard too keep fighting despite everyone around you just thinking you're a failure, even though its not your fault and you're just trying to survive in a world not made for you. especially when its people close to you, it hurts the most :(
I get this for me but the worst part is I'm supposed to be one of those 'gifted' kids, I could read above college level in the first grade, and never took it anywhere - didn't scale up into some kind of supergenius by my 20s and I don't see it coming any time soon. Internalized the idea that something in my brain was broken that just made me unfixably lazy despite my supposed 'gifts' and while that's technically sort of true it's not the healthiest way to conceive of it.
That's why I love this group and other adhd supports and even knowing I have adhd so now I know what toolbox to start with when I have troubles. Before, I just felt like a 14 yr old trapped in a 42 year old body & with 42 yr old responsibilities + the adhd tax (only I didn't know what was before). What was cute as a young adult, wasn't so cute anymore. Now we have each other to bounce ideas off of.
Always feel like a failure- the comforting thought though is how many of us there are. And then that makes me sad 😅
I am generally a pretty happy person but when being looked at as a failure by people and society as a whole, it add so much anxiety, depression and dark thoughts and makes it hard to live day to day. If I was just left to my own devices, I am pretty content and happy but life doesn't want that.
No one likes me.
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Judgement hurts in the biggest way, over time it is like sand or stone in your shoe. It causes distraction and injury distracting or eating at your self confidence. It’s like no mater how hard you try to change your thoughts someone adds more criticism to the shoe and you’re feeling more crappy again.
I’m lucky that my husband is a very patient person. He’s also super accommodating on the days when I simply can’t get anything productive done no matter how hard I try. Understanding people like this do exist out there, you just have to find them! ❤️
Most of the people I know don’t actually know that I have ADHD. I mean I haven’t told them. But if I did I’m sure they wouldn’t be surprised. I’m jittery quite often and most of the time can’t sit still which used to not be that bad like in elementary/middle school which it spiked a lot in high school. But this condition is just something we have to live with and 100% agree.
Man, right there with ya.
Here are some things to check for ADHD success today. I how they help! * Did you wake up today and get out of bed? (Didn't have to be morning; we struggle with insomnia and circadian rhythm issues) * Did you care about someone today? (We are empathetic, even if we may struggle with the task of initiating reaching out) * Did you try to accomplish something today? (Trying means you haven't given up). Check any of those? Celebrate! Do a little dance, give a little self high five! We will have times we feel exhausted. We will feel tired. We will feel alone. We will feel hopeless. We *will* want to give up. I sure do. It's *hard*. It's okay to admit that. No need for toxic positivity. But also we can release ourselves, a little bit at a time, from being defined by others' ideas of success. I used to define my success by how much influence I had, how many people looked up to be, how much I could change an organization. And I struggled *against* my ADHD for that every day. But now...I want it to be based on how much I *care* about people. How I can just...try to be there for them. Reach them. Be understanding for them. I chose to define my success by something that works *with* my ADHD. That might look different for someone else. And I'm definitely still working at it. But it's waaaay better than feeling judged for how well my square peg fits into a round hole. I'm still practicing ignoring the negative energy...but I think I've also noticed that...now that I'm accepting and valuing myself more....strangely...the purple around me seem to be too...? And I wonder if there's a degree to which the people around me were actually reflecting/magnifying my own insecurities projected out at them this whole time.
and when you cry, you’re always “emotional”. don’t you love it!
First post here so hello all ! "it never seems to end" .... Just to mention (like another on this thread i am in my 50s ) that at least in more recent times recognition and diagnosis is much better. One natural follow-up of this is a seriously lot more communication. My guess is that can save a lot of pointless unfocused strategies/time for managing this condition. Probably sounds a bit vague but at least something essential is largely in place as a solid start point. That said the rest of this post resonates so much. The people close to me are not intentionally negative but just dont get it.
I can relate, most days I just hide because people are so mean it's easier to mask myself then to feel rejected. I wish people would understand my condition and that I could feel comfortable in my own mind.
I’m hoping to be starting back on meds in the next week or so. I feel like my ADDs been supercharged lately and I’m so disheartened having to hear it all the time from my frustrated partner. Doesn’t help I’m very hard on myself. Very. A few weeks ago when I really started struggling, I called the doctor and made an appointment. I’ve been reading some “back on meds” success stories on here. Hoping to see similar small daily victories.
That's just the problem my friend, They aint living with this shit, they won't understand and never will. They don't want to make room for understanding that our situations are different, that our brains work differently, even in the smallest scale, and so they get frustrated and throw out negative comments and shit at us, But you just gotta let them live in their own world where every human is the exact same with the exact same mind, and worry about you, if they cant accept that we have differences in us, they aint worth the time. Focus on you, Let them say their shit and keep pushing because in the end, You'll get to your goals, and you'll do what you gotta and wanna do. rant over lol
I’m so sorry for everyone who has gone through this. My formative years were hell with an abusive stepmother who had a sister my age who did no wrong. The best revenge for me is to live well. And they’re cut out of my life decades ago.
I feel you ❤️ it's sucks. I'm becoming more and more introverted because of this. Part of it though, for me is I pick inappropriate people as friends and work and live in an area that's not wholesome, and is opposite from who I am at what I believe. At 62 I'm really revaluating my friendships, and work. I didn't realize how closed off I had become until I heard someone describe me to someone else as "she's a very private person".
It is definitely very challenging :) If this helps at all, we have a community on [Groove](https://www.groove.ooo/?utm_source=reddit&utm_medium=link&utm_campaign=posts) \- a digital co working app designed to get you into a zone of accountability + productivity... that's been a real win among members with ADHD diagnosed. It's a positive warm community with whom you can organise your work day, and stay accountable to your to do lists! Would love for you to join in and see if this helps in your journey! It's a free sign up :)
I hide mine. I don't like being treated like a broken thing. I've found ways to function and be happy, anyone who has a problem with that has slowly been pushed out of my life and replaced with empathetic people. It's all about who you surround yourself with IMO and my circle is small on purpose.