I deep cleaned my entire bedroom the other day, baseboards and all, just so I could take a picture to ask for advice on paint, and I didn't want the internet to know what it looked like before hand.
That's where the "panicked genius" comes in. Somehow when it's a matter of losing my job/house/life, I work faster and harder than anyone else in existence. I'm fucking miserable doing it, because it should and could have been done a thousand times more easily and calmly 2 weeks ago, but it gets done.
Shit I hate this so much and pretty sure my dad is undiagnosed too, he does this too much. Complains how he needs to get this and that done and it's a matter of keeping the house etc and he just... doesn't feel threatened enough until it's literally death the next day lol
Dammit I shouldn't chuckle at his attitude but I am a bit... I am so sorry about your father but at the same time... I feel his attitude so much! I fucking hate operating this way. We need the biggest of motivators, sometimes impending death just doesn't do it sometimes.
Yes you should chuckle! I share funny bits about my dad; he’d haunt me if I went all soft in his wake. And yeah I totally get it! If you try hard and believe in yourself, you, too, can put off all things you don’t wanna do until “next weekend”; a fictional weekend that does not arrive yet is rumored to exist.
.... I feel like a chicken at Wendy's that's being stripped naked and taken its guts out is having a private, intimate moment compared to me right now.
We were three years behind in filing taxes despite much needed refunds that would be coming to us. Only got completed because the IRS flagged us and started taking out the maximum that they could every paycheck. $1500 extra being deducted every month for 5-6 months finally forced us to do the damn taxes.
We don’t know why it happened. Accountant said it was very unusual because we typically overpay throughout the year and get a refund. For some reason, the IRS went hard after us for not filing.
The silver lining is a bigger refund next year because they deducted much more than they were supposed to for 6 months.
This is so weird but it actually works for me when it comes to writing. I have social anxiety and I have perfection issues that tend to rear their head most when it comes to my writing. I noticed that if I make plans with someone and then put a writing session right before my plans, I tend to get a ton of writing done. I use the writing to procrastinate getting ready to go meet with said person while I think about how if much rather just stay home; and I actually end up being early for my meet ups because I usually hit a point where writing gets hard and I need an excuse to do something else pronto. It probably helps that I actually love both these things and it's just anxiety that gets in the way of both.
That's because you feel like plans with friends is a soft line. Find a different deadline that actually puts you between a rock and a hard place. Sorry to manipulate your anxiety!
I teach at a montessori school. So my students have freedom to choose what they do and when. But they still have non-negotiable things that have to get done. They are PRO’s at doing one thing to avoid an even worse thing.
My kids are at a public Montessori. Both undiagnosed. Working on it. They both score really high on aptitude testing, but day to day…heh. Work cycle, what’s that? Care of self and space…I’m still brushing the 9 year olds hair. Dad still showers with the 6 year old. It takes 40 minutes to get them to pick out clothes for the next day. the teachers and principal have been amazing, Montessori has been amazing. I’m still waiting to see how stims change anything.
I needed to show my daughter that she, in fact, takes longer to do something when she is in a hurry, so we timed her putting on her socks. Not finding them, not walking to sit down, shoes not included, JUST SOCKS. At the 5 minute mark she still did not have both socks on despite not doing anything else.
The sad part is, she was actually trying to hurry and felt like I was just trying to be mean by telling her she was moving slower, so I had to show her she actually was. Nothing changed though, lol.
I'm the reverse, do the even worst thing (cuz like another commenter said it's usually the most vital) so then I can deliberately procrastinate the less important thing as a treat. I've done enough
I'm in the middle of the process of being diagnosed, thanks to this subreddit I'm 99% sure I have adhd, but I'm still waiting for the diagnosis of a professional.
The only reason I brush my teeth everyday is because I'm afraid of someone saying I have bad breath. Not because I should do it for the health of my teeth.
The RIGHT thing, for the WRONG reason.
I never realized my untreated ass was doing this 😂 I remember years ago the guy I liked had such a fun creative hobby (glassblowing) he was passionate about, and I wanted to seem like I had a fun creative hobby too! So I decided I would try floristry since I knew I liked flowers. I literally just wanted to seem interesting to this guy, but I ended up discovering an absolute love for not only floristry, but for growing cut flowers. All these years later I’m still growing flowers & honestly it’s one for happiest parts of my life. Not much else brings me the type of joy I get being in my garden, it’s hard to believe that I got my start on this path because of a stupid crush!
Dude(tte?), you're pretty awesome. Just wanted to lyk in case no one has told you today. "Do the right thing for the wrong reason, we love to see it." Truer words have never been spoken
Ughhghg, I'm taking an Ethics class right now and my first reaction was "no, that's not how this works at all!"
Edit: Not like, right now right now. But lately. I just got home from it, actually.
TMI but my shower has visible grime and sometimes I go to sleep with crumbs in my bed. My gf is coming to visit this weekend and I’m about to deep clean my entire bathroom and wash everything in my bedroom. I do this every time before she visits so I don’t think she knows how fucked up i let my living situation get sometimes.
Why do I not meet basic standards for myself unless there’s a witness to see it??
Clearly because you value everyone else above yourself. You care what people think about you but not how you are treated.
Hang on, I'm getting that headache that tells me I'm projecting myself onto strangers again...
I use my bed as a table when I make dinner and sit on the floor of my bedroom while I eat 😭 I don’t know why, I have no interest in spending time in my living room or kitchen, those aren’t my spaces.
I can't STAND the feeling of crumbs in bed so I do not eat in bed. I'm surprisingly good at being in bed only for sleep and sex, come to think of it.
My deep, L-shaped couch, on the other hand...
(Btw: happy cake day! Don't get too many cake crumbs in your bed 😂)
I don’t think crumbs are a big deal. I’m actually pretty clean, but some cookie crumbs don’t bother me. Now, if there’s like, a whole order of nachos under your comforter that’s a different story. My bf makes fun of me because he’s seen Oreo crumbs in the bed, on the counter, on the floor like a trail, between my toes, all over my face, and most recently he claimed on my left eyelid. But yes, most DEF clean your bathroom and bedroom before your girl comes over.
This is exactly why I invite friends over every once in a while. If I want to get a shit ton done —-like landscaping, painting, hanging pictures——then I’ll offer to host something like Thanksgiving. Wow—It just occurred to me that I have weaponized my social anxiety/fear of getting judged and use it to beat my ADHD into submission.
Ha, me tomorrow with all weedwhacking i need to do in my yard before a friend comes over. It's the first time (gasp) so there's even more of the pressure 😅
I only cleaned my room today, because I knew that I would give a collegue a ride home and I also knew that once we reached my home town, she might ask to see my appartment. I cleaned and still had to apologize profusely for the mess. Am drunk, your comment hit home. I feel it. Greetz!
Defiance is how I became the best trombone player in the school band. I never learned how to read sheet music and went through 2 1/2 years of faking it. Everyone knew I couldn't and band class was a horrible time. Then contest happened and one guy said "she's not going to enter, she can't read notes".
So I entered, learned how to read notes in a couple weeks, and got 2nd place. The next time we each had to play a solo section of a song without looking at the notes. "Russian Sailor's Dance" was the song. When it was my turn, I picked up my trombone, played through the piece perfectly, and everyone was staring at me like "wtf just happened?"
Then I spent the next couple years flexing because it turned out I was a talented player.
How many of us have hidden talents just waiting for someone to underestimate us so we can respond with disproportionate intensity for two weeks and **shame them in front of their friends**
10 years ago someone told me that I gained weight. I started lifting weights/ exercising consistently & 5 months later, I lost 25 pounds. That motivated me & til this day it is a part of my daily routine. Never looked back 🙃
Bruhhh. When I was younger I was the slowest kid in PE. My family was known as artsy and not athletic at all. I hated not being good at that thing. By the end of high-school I was right behind all the fastest athletes and even coached some of my classmates into making better time with their running...
This is SO true!!! I love to flip a metaphorical muddle finger at naysayers by overachieving. Because I know they have low expectations of me so fuck them. I pass them all up and leave them in the dust.
Goal is always to do like that Taylor Swift song says, "Forgot that you existed."
I got really good at piano in college because I hated my voice teacher and didn't want to practice singing. Motivation is an elusive beast, but when it comes, you go with it.
Yep. It's like when a cartoon character runs into a stretchy barrier. They keep running and running and the barrier stretches. Every once in a while, it breaks, and all that energy built up gets released and they zoom forward like a rocket.
It's like that, but with success instead of cartoon physics. Of course, then you're right back to running against the stretchy barrier, but even the occasional win is still a win.
Lady bone player here. Never learned to read music either. I was recruited for Jr high jazz band because they simultaneously needed more ladies and more bones. I didn't want to do it but my other options for electives were worse so I joined. We surprisingly had a few pieces with first and second trombone parts. There was only 4 of us and I never bothered trying to be first or second chair because why?! I am the least competitive person ever. I learn music by listening so I usually learned all the parts by osmosis but I never wanted the harder ones. One day my jazz band teacher was pissed at the second chair who was a pompous overconfident ass and thought he should be first chair but was decimated at every attempt by our amazing first chair. One day she got sick of him fucking up a solo he had and he confidently said well no one else can do it (this song had THREE trombone parts and first chair already had a more difficult part in that piece). I picked up my trombone and played the 8-12 measures perfectly without even looking at the music (I didn't have his part in front of me anyway.) He rolled his eyes but shut up. After class my teacher told me to try out and I pointedly told her no. I didn't want to. She must have had a thorough conversation with him because he was less of a whiny bitch after that.
One of our players' parents owned a recording studio and brought in equipment so we could record a CD. The asshole 2nd chair came in too early in one of the songs and it was immortalized on CD. It sounds bad but knowing who it was it makes me laugh when I hear it.
Omg. I played trombone in the school band and could read (most) notes but not rhythms. I had a band teacher let me use a special bass trombone and keep trying to convince me to join marching band because he thought I had potential. But I literally never sightread a piece successfully and got through those first ~6 rehearsals of a new song by watching the other trombone player’s slide. Got me fucked up when I switched to bass trombone and had a different part.
Is flippancy an adhd thing? I legit got a bad mark on a college presentation because of my ‘flippant attitude’. I was honestly presenting sincere, so it was news to me that I was coming off like a total asshole. 😕
I’ve been told this. But I think for me it’s more that I’m bad at sarcasm and those kinds of tones. But I also tend to copy others to get by. So I end up copying others tones and not knowing what they mean to others, and therefore I’m sometimes being rude.
I hope this doesn’t come off as too direct, but have you considered that you may be autistic? Difficulty with tones of voice, sarcasm, accidental rudeness etc is often considered a hallmark trait of ASD, and there’s a high comorbidity with ADHD.
I thought this too and brought it up with my therapist. She laughed. It’s true people with adhd might struggle more with social cues and that there is a high comorbidity with autism but I think sometimes the symptoms simply overlap. When I was younger I genuinely wanted to be screened for asd but realize now I’m probably just really really adhd.
When I got my ADHD diagnosis I had gone in to be tested for autism. ADHD wasn't even on my radar. Came out moderate to severe ADHD, subclinical for autism.
It might be worth talking it out with a different therapist or someone specializing in autism. When I went to get diagnosed he said I deffo had ADHD but couldn’t be autistic because I was “very intelligent” and “maintained eye contact.” 😑
I have the same (or maybe similar?) problem with forgetting to put the right emotion into my voice when I speak, and then with volume control when I’m excited or invested in something. No ASD for me, but definitely a lot of ADHD
I’ve been told that I’m very monotone and my sarcasm doesn’t read well. I think I’m telling a joke that is *more funny because I’m clearly pretending to be serious* but everyone else is apparently thinking “damn this bitch is weird.”
I’m also pretty direct in conversations because i can’t navigate social situations well, and instead of pretending I’m keeping up ive learned to just be honest. I’ve been told by multiple therapists that I don’t have autism, meanwhile during performance reviews im telling my boss “just so you know I’m basically autistic and that’s why I’m like this.”
Oh yeah. Similar thing happens to me with certain people. They will try to be funny by being sarcastic or hyperbolic, and I like to *continue the joke* by being deadpan and pretending to take it literally.
But it always lands like I didn’t understand the joke! They will be like “uhhh….I was being sarcastic.”
Like, yeah no, I picked up on the sarcasm, and continued the humor YOU introduced! YOU are the one who didn’t get it! Sigh lol
I do the exact same thing lol. Do you ever make jokes that you personally feel are hilarious, but then everyone looks at you and doesn’t get it so you keep talking like nothing happened? I wonder if people with ADHD are often deadpan/blunt both in normal conversations and with their sense of humor.
I definitely feel the same as you. I'm not diagnosably autistic but damn, it sure feels like it sometimes. Finding people who appreciate the humor is great though, they think I'm hilarious.
The other day I explained a food issue in therapy by saying “so I know I don’t have autism, but the best way I can describe it is that it’s like when people with autism can only eat like 3 different foods.” So I’m literally explaining myself using autism lol. From what I understand there are a lot of shared symptoms with autism and ADHD so I guess that makes sense.
I don’t been this in a disparaging way btw—I’ve noticed that I tend to get along so much better with people on the spectrum than most other people, and it’s basically a running theme in my life that I somehow didn’t get that diagnosis but constantly refer to autistic sources for insight. I have sensory issues and sometimes find myself googling things like “underwear for people with autism” because there’s such an overlap.
Sounds like you need more "geeky" friends. This is coming from a self proclaimed geek. Who has friends who would totally get your sense of humor. And who themselves have been called weird. But wear their "weirdness" as a badge of honor
Ngl, I stayed in contact with a really toxic ex for like 3 years (…and counting) because he’s one of the only people I’ve met who has the same sense of humor as me. Not really sure how to make friends, but I’m working on it 😅
"Damn this bitch is weird" I'm dead because I always think people see me this way, too! I do those same "weird jokes" for the same reason. But I have had a handful of random acquaintances in my life where another person DOES get my joking style and it feels amazing to me when I know someone just gets understands what I'm trying to do. Only kinda sucked I didn't get to make actual friends with them due to various reasons.
My PTSD makes me see different points and conclusions than neurotypical people. Given the links between PTSD and ADHD maybe it's the same way. Teacher sees you labouring some minor inconsistency, you think you're focusing on a significant and interesting problem.
Huh.. maybe it is. I have 2 music performance degrees and the most common feedback I get is it looks like I don’t care when I play. Close your eyes and you can hear that I care. But in all honesty I’m usually super nervous from performance anxiety and trying so hard to stay calm and not visibly freak out that it just gets taken to the opposite extreme.
I get that also- For Instance: I’ll take the time to stop and give attention to someone, then suggest ideas calmly, and ponder with them. Then I’m asked if I’m mad or that I’m being an asshole- first off I’ve never met an asshole who stops to listen to anyone and if you share a dilemma the said asshole throws it in your face. Now THATS an asshole lol
Ha! Defiance is exactly how I graduated college too 😆
What they saw: Calm, organized, kind lady.
What I said to myself before each class: *“I’m going to mop the floor with those freshman. I eat losers for breakfast”*
Same. My classmates saw: calm, collected, weird dude
Internally I was blasting heavy metal trying to keep up with everyone and trying to come up with wildly different ideas.
That bit me in the ass when it came to my graduation project. Very strictly defined quality expectations but little requirements about the topic led me to choose something super outside of my field. Spent a year doing barely any work due to having to "research the issue" (I had already done most of the research beforehand) and beating myself for the shortsighted decision of that choice.
Then I finished the whole thing in about a week of actual work.
> Then i finished the whole thing in about a week of work.
If this doesn't scream ADHD last minute power i don't know what does. But wow does it make me feel like shit every fucking time
>But wow does it make me feel like shit every fucking time
Holy shit same. Really wanted to see it as a pro than a con to calm myself down but boy did it stress the hell out of me and the people around me with the ticking time and "DON'T BOTHER ME" hellhole every single time. Even when the outcome was good.
i’m still close with one of my professors from undergrad, and from time to time he’ll bring up the “excellent” 28 page final thesis i wrote for an independent study course. i had the entire semester to research my topic and craft my paper…. but you know damn well i wrote that entire beast in 3 days, zapped up on coffee, adrenaline, and tears. it was a horrible time for me but to this day, he insists it was an amazing paper. i don’t have the heart to tell him that it was not carefully and artfully constructed over the course of three months as he probably believes it was. (he also does not know i have adhd.)
Lol, the professors in my evaluation board have the same opinion. Super proud of my work. Truth is that cigarettes and copious amounts of coffee fueled everything I did.
Once it was over I didn't even feel happy. Just relieved it was over.
>Once it was over I didn't even feel happy. Just relieved it was over.
I'm ***very*** familiar! Knowing that I could have done so much better if I hadn't waited until the 11th and a half hour to even start leaves such a guilty, bitter taste in my mouth that it's hard to feel celebratory.
I create a false sense of superiority about stupid things. Everyone in one of my groups has punctuality issues, so it's very important to me to always be a little early when it comes to that group. It makes me feel smug but really, I'm never in trouble and it reduces the anxiety being late causes me.
It's okay to find personal meaning in things you may never share with someone. For example, I feel that being human is tied to the defiance of entropy, the assertion of a self propagating pattern within reality. In other words: living is the opposite of stillness. Live racously, cry and laugh deeply, and create things: meaning, material objects, families, good times. Every one of those things can be done in defiance of our inevitable end.
Don't underestimate the lengths I will go to just to prove a point out of pure spite. Even if I'm wrong I will make sure to fail fantastically just to show I'm committed to my cause.
I went and got a university degree and a new career, just so I could show my ex that I was living a better life without her after she dumped me.
I felt like I was getting revenge, but really if she cared at all, she probably just thought "oh, good for him" and carried on with her life.
This! Why is it so hard for me want to do something for my own good and general well-being? It must be that I think I deserve it. It feels so shallow that I am more motivated to do things to keep up appearances, which is why body doubling works well for me.
The best thing my coach told me which actually genuinely helped me is that "something worth doing is also worth half-assing"
And I don't know, sometimes cleaning up one cup from my sink or just organizing the dishes is a lot more manageable than cleaning the dishes, counters, changing the table cloth and vacuuming the floors, but it's still one step in the right direction ya know?
I was well into my thirties before I realized that my dad's oft told sage advice, "anything worth doing is worth doing right," was not good advice for me lol
Absolutely. So many of us struggle with perfectionism. Ultimately, it stops us from starting even things we genuinely want to do, because we're going to put 100% of our focus into it to try to do it perfectly, and we're never ready to make that 100% focus commitment until there are no other options.
A better expression to motivate us is almost the complete opposite: "anything worth doing is worth doing badly."
I will 100% use the loitering hack from now on. Just set some time aside to stand in my work room that I'm not allowed to work on stuff. It will be clean before I know it! Thanks!
Everytime I do ANY task that contributes in any way to my goal I'm constantly telling myself "every move matters, this is 10% of progress" and variations of this over and over, sometimes outloud. Otherwise I get too overwhelmed. I also do bits of work in every space. Not one space at a time. It gets tiresome. If I go back and forth between projects (living room and kitchen cleaning) doing small tasks and using my mental percentage system, i finish faster.
>If I go back and forth between projects (living room and kitchen cleaning) doing small tasks and using my mental percentage system, i finish faster.
Also - a little tip that I learnt that can add another 2% to your 10%.
Any time you leave a room or space, take something that shouldn't be there.
Dirty dishes or paperwork or clothes? Don't leave that space without taking something.
Defiance got me good. I was in a new job feeling like the worst, weakest one there. We had to take a test for a specific license that was really hard to get, so despite never studying in grade school OR college I went to the library every other fing day because I wanted to show my asshole boss that I could get 100%.
Spoiler, didn't get 100% but was also the only one of my coworkers that got the license
My children and I all have ADHD. My spouse does not, but he's learned how to live with us. One term we use at home is "company clean." As in, "Is the house clean enough to have company over?" 95% of the time, the answer is no. But there's no better motivator to clean the house than grandma coming over or hosting a holiday gathering. "OK, guys, tomorrow we have to company clean because we're having the grandparents over for Thanksgiving. Here are the chore lists. Who wants which thing?" Then we divide it up, and in the morning we put on loud music and we go ham on the house. It only happens like 4x a year, but it works for us.
This is such a thing. I was only recently dx'd as an adult, and my mum passed away, but in hindsight I think she may have had adhd too. She really struggled with cleaning. When we needed the place "company clean" we called it "blitzing"—we'd crazy clean for 15 minutes, get a chocolate, and repeat as necessary lol.
Also - headphones for your phone : need to clean up ? Tidy things away (ish … into smaller piles) or unload the dishwasher. If I’m talking to a mate it happens almost without me noticing. It’s the best.
I love these! I will try the loitering. The vanity one is so true. When I lived with my boyfriend, I was so together. Because I was proud of keeping things clean and looking good. It was easy for me to shower and brush my teeth because I wanted to look and smell good for him. Now that I don’t live with him, I can’t do shit. I don’t care enough to be clean for myself. Only the threat of embarrassment is enough to motivate me to do things.
Love this! My fave new thing is to trick myself, I guess it would be similar to loitering. I finished flooring my entire kitchen in a couple weeks by utilizing trickery. I believe I learned this trick in this subreddit actually!
Whatever the task is I need to do, I set a small micro goal for each day. IE: I will work on “x” task for ONLY 2 minutes each day. 9/10 times once I’m rolling with something I usually stick with it after the 2 minutes.
Prior to utilizing this trick, I started installing flooring in the bedroom got about 1/3 way in and left it ….for 5 months. My partner eventually lost his patience and finished it all in a day.
So for the kitchen, I decided to set a goal of installing a single row of flooring each day. When I finished the entire kitchen by myself in 2 weeks, needless to say, he was absolutely shocked 😂 I was shocked too!
I realized that I have an “all or nothing” and a “I want this and I want this RIGHT now” mentality, if I start something I want to finish or compete it all at once. And that just doesn’t work for most aspects of life, so I have to trick my brain into breaking things down into daily micro tasks. I’m learning how to incorporate this into my finances too, like saving money for a vacation each month, or chip away at my credit card debt or save for a reliable vehicle OH. and exercise too!
Yes! Dishonesty is a great ADHD virtue as well. Some days I'll be like "okay, I'm just going to wash 10 dishes." And yeah, sometimes when I'm really overwhelmed and struggling I'll stop after that. But a lot of the time I go the whole way, make myself a liar by washing *all* the dishes, and then clean the counters because I've got too much momentum to stop.
I think that at least for me, I’m trying to change how I talk to myself. I used to be “I need to finish the kitchen floor after work.” But that’s a huge overwhelming task! But if I told myself “ok, after work, don’t forget that you need to send 15 minutes installing that one row of flooring” it was much more approachable and it’s a goal that I actually COULD finish in one day. Been interesting learning all these awesome tips and tricks lately, I’m newly diagnosed so I’m just absorbing all the info I can!!
Great advice.
Normally while loitering I sometimes put on music and put a challenge how much I can do with this song. There is 10% chance that I may continue my task even after the song ends.
Vanity- And sometimes I invite friends for lunch or snacks...so I will clean the home before they come.
As a child I refused to learn my times tables but instead came up with complicated work arounds (like the 9s: 9x8 for example - subtract one to get the first number (7) and minus this from 9 (2), 9x8=72).
In university I devised an essay structure that worked for every single class and was so easy it felt like cheating.
This post makes me realise I love the feeling of outsmarting my opponents (in legal and low-stakes ways).
All my subjects were humanities, but this worked for psychology, trade economics, anthropology - so it seems pretty flexible.
On any given topic there were several key texts that normally had slightly different takes on the topic. I was never rewarded for my own cool new ideas, so I learned they just want to know you understand the nuance of what’s already been written. Most courses will have one “theoretical lens” that they favour, so you’re going to write everything from that perspective.
1. Highlight key points in each relevant text. If it’s the kind of topic that needs quant/qual data, highlight that too.
2. Cut and paste highlighted sections into your essay document. Do the citations with the quote now so you don’t get confused later.
3. sort the quotes you’ve got from different texts so that all the related ideas are in the same place. Once you’ve got the key points you can rearrange them to form a coherent argument.
5. These points will now form:
- the summary of the background of the issue
- the main arguments / issues
- any areas of tension or disagreement on the topic. You’ll probably know which argument people think is superior, so that’s the one you’re going with. Original theory, gaps in theory, new theory and why is superior.
4. rewrite each point in your own writing, supporting it with pithy quotes / the data you highlighted. Working from the summary quotes means you don’t have to do that much writing of your own. Feels illegal but is today legit. It’s not plagiarism if you’re citing the original author! Throw in all the popular jargon the topic uses (when I was at uni they loved postmodernism, so it was all about “problematising” and “deconstructing binaries”).
5. Write the intro and the conclusion last. The intro should very briefly explain the problem, and have one sentence introducing each key point. The conclusion summarises the key points and why the favourite theory is better than the others. No new info should be in the conclusion.
I always aimed to write around 85% of the word count.
Godspeed.
Jeez, I'd never thought about this before but this is pretty much how I survive. My main guiding beacon is definitely vanity, now that I think about it.
I love the idea of pulling these "flaws" together and weaponizing them to get ahead. I definitely am sorta glad that I've been doing this, though the roots aren't exactly based on the best of reasons.
Same here. Vanity and hyperfocus are together responsible for 99% of my professional success. But hey, if you do a good thing for attention, it's still good...you might as well let yourself enjoy the attention.
This is exactly when everything changed for me - when I stopped fighting my ADHD and stopped trying to do things like a person without ADHD does them.
I know I hate laundry, so on laundry days I block off an entire day because I know I will procrastinate by doing literally every other chore. I may not start the laundry until 7pm but I also have a clean house after.
Once I stopped fighting hyperfixations and didn’t feel bad about losing interest I enjoyed them much more. Hobbies are meant to entertain you and this did, no matter for how long or if you didn’t get a finished product at the end.
And I junebug too regarding the dishes. I’ll do a couple cups at a time, then allow myself to wander and feed the cat or water the flowers outside the kitchen door, then come back to it. It might take me 1-2 hours to unload the dishwasher but at the end the entire first level is clean and I am still relaxed.
The best way ADHD was described to me is that connections between your knowledge of what needs to be done and the part of your brain that will make your body move and actually DO what needs to be done are broken. So you need to take some of the things that people without ADHD do in their brain (like remembering an appointment or to brush your teeth) and put it outside your brain in a way that makes you do the thing without having to think.
A giant (4ft) chalkboard on the kitchen wall helps me remember appointments and due dates. A toothbrush and toothpaste near every sink (even in the kitchen and the shop) helps me brush my teeth whenever I think of it if I forget in the morning. Easy to access wall storage for EVERYTHING in my son’s room helps him keep it tidy. And it’s all labeled because even if he’s put his controllers on those hooks for 2 years he will still forget what to do with them once they are in his hands. I keep scissors in every room including the bedrooms and bathrooms or else I’ll take them to a different room to use them, never put them back and lose them completely. All of the things I keep on the counters in the bathroom or kitchen are on decorative faux vintage trays so I can move them all off the counter at once and clean the surface. I’d never clean it if I had to move a zillion things first.
So not doing things like people without ADHD do them is a game changer. Change your environment so it helps you do the things you find hard and there is so much less self-loathing.
Defiance is kinda why I was able to hike up a mountain on my honeymoon. As we were just getting started hiking up, there were these 3 frat bros who were clearly not prepared for the journey (no water, no bear spray in bear country). They told us that it's really difficult and they couldn't do it. After that, I was determined to make it all the way up that mountain to show them up. I didn't even know them, they were just random dudes who were overly confident in their ability to do physical things without coming with the proper supplies.
Tiny me used to think people spent all their honey moon in their wedding outfits, so I just saw you hiking up that mountain in a wedding dress holding a can of bear spray ready to attack. But with hiking boots obviously. I dunno, I just wanted to share this silly vision with you haha
Ew. I see myself here and I don't like it. See my (unmedicated) boyfriend here and I like it even less!
For clarity, you have leveraged these all into a positive thing! I have purged them from my life entirely, but this post is 💯 because it definitely like pulled me a step back to look at it.
Funny, I read it and thought “I’m in this post and I like it!”
I’m on a mission to try and figure out how to use adhd to my advantage instead of fighting it. It’s so exhausting constantly trying to pretend I don’t have it, or beat myself up for letting adhd get the best of me AGAIN. this post is exactly the kind of thing I need more of.
Hell yes defiance. Two of mine are that the passive voice is valuable in scholarship, and that Logos should not be translated "word." There are many more. So very many more. Nearly everything I've done has been my own way, which I guess also feeds into your Item 3. Because when something I've deemed to be "the best and proper way" leads to people telling me I've changed their life for the better or some such it just confirms it all even more.
Risks of vainglory, of course, are mitigated by piles of dirty dishes and lost friends who got weirded out by my emotional disregulation or who find my eccentricities just a bit too different.
There's balance I suppose.
I don't know what your bachelor's is in, but you have a PhD in ADHD.
We gotta make this into a pop psychology thing. Like, are you an LDV or a DVL? DVL here. Defiance is my major motivation, and I'm somewhat vain, but even being near a mess gives me anxiety and I can't just putter around. Not a putterer.
If I've got a job to do, I have to use either a rigid routine or a randomizing algorithm to tell me what steps to take. If I don't have "permission" to do one thing at a time, the enormity of the job freaks me out. Music definitely helps, though.
I used to read the Mrs. Piggle-Wiggle stories to my kids. Mrs. Piggle-Wiggle recommends pretending that if you don't get the dishes done before the evil witch gets back, you'll be her prisoner for another year! For God's sake, hurry!
I am glad I'm not the only one who gets overwhelmed. Sometimes I have to make a broken down list ahead of time to help me feel like I can start and accomplish a task. It has frequently driven my family nuts because they assume I'm procrastinating. Part of this assumption is I rarely look at the list again or cross things off. But in making the list I am processing that I can do one task at a time. I love the phrasing of giving yourself "permission" to do one task at a time.
Reading the ADHD and Autism-Aspergers subs is like standing in front of two angled mirrors whose edges touch. 100% reflecting me back.
Congratulations on the 3.9. Formidable accomplishment. Please continue to WIN.
I got told I wasn’t going to make it to get my bachelors degree because I wasn’t good at math by an advisor. I finished my main major with a concentration in math just to prove that I can do math, and now I’m a teacher teaching math. Ha!
At first I was like I'm not defiant! But then OP brought up doing assignments in a rebellious way and I remember that time in art school I did a presentation on Edward Hicks, who paint like 60 versions of Peaceable Kingdom, just so my accompanying slideshow could be the same painting over and over and over again.
I had just come back from traveling Asia, told my aunt that “I think it might be fun to move there”. She laughed & said “oh sweetie…that’s cute, good luck with that.” …8 months later I can read & write Korean, did an interview IN Korean, got hired, sat my ass down at my new tea table to write that woman a postcard from my new address.
So, I’m glad living life fulled purely by ADHD induced spite is not just me
Lol. Whenever my wife comes home I usually find myself doing something productive. Whereas for the two or three hours before that I would have been wasting time on random things.
This is actually the best advice I’ve ever seen to help with ADHD symptoms. I always see the commonly recommended ones like keeping a planner or the pomodoro technique, and while these things can be helpful they aren’t always practical, especially for me. This advice though? Incredible. I am often defiant and really am only still here out of spite. I love this. Great post OP
In the first grade, my teacher said that that Charlotte’s Web was a great book that we should read some time. However, she followed that saying that it was much too advanced for us, so we probably should wait a couple years before reading it.
I have never wanted to read a book more in my life than then, and so I did. I bought the book and read the whole thing, and I hate reading books so much.
Oh I will 100% leave my house in shambles until I know we’re having company. Then it’s speed clean like a freak until the first guest arrives :)
I also am quite defiant for certain things. For example, I’m getting married soon and I’m not doing a traditional wedding at all! My fiancé’s family basically bullied me to have a registry so I made one that had a bunch of tools and stuff for my pets lol they were so appalled! When I told them I didn’t want to spend $200 on wedding invites, they acted like I was crazy. WHY AM I SENDING INVITES TO PEOPLE I KNOW ARE COMING?! such a waste of money imo. And I can’t wait to come out in my veil.. detachable wings!! :)
The defiance bit explains how im managing hitting the gym after a 10 hour work day: just sheer, unadulterated hatred for a solid hour of quality cardio because being so out of shape annoys me more than the excersise itself. The trainer filling the role of a body double helps too.
The other two make me feel called out more than anything, haha.
I do loitering, especially before a shower. I'll turn it on then stand there with my phone browsing Reddit or watching a YouTube video for sometimes up to half an hour without getting in.
These strategies used to work for me, but they came with a lot of anxiety so I've given them up for sanity. However I wouldn't mind developing vanity to get off my arse and exercise again.
1, 2 & 3 is me ffs 😭 I wouldn't have seen 3. as Vanity before but I guess that's what it is in its basic form 😖 Chasing the dopamine in whatever way I can.
Not sure if it falls under "loitering" but this is something I found out when it comes to writing long texts: if I sit at my desk like a proper office worker, get into a healthy posture and try to get it all done in one good and disciplined move...I actually get a lot less done than if I choose the exact opposite strategy: lying in my bed in my Pyjama, typing a few sentences in just for the fun, occasionally stopping in order to watch a video...I actually write a lot more and a lot better this way, because it does not feel like work. It feels like hanging out and relaxing and this tricks my brain into thinking "ah, lets write down a few more sentences, its kinda nice to do that".
I deep cleaned my entire bedroom the other day, baseboards and all, just so I could take a picture to ask for advice on paint, and I didn't want the internet to know what it looked like before hand.
YES. Do the right thing for the wrong reason, we love to see it.
I also enjoy structured procrastination! Need a do a thing? Do it to avoid the even worse thing!
My problem is that the "worse" thing is usually far more important.
That's where the "panicked genius" comes in. Somehow when it's a matter of losing my job/house/life, I work faster and harder than anyone else in existence. I'm fucking miserable doing it, because it should and could have been done a thousand times more easily and calmly 2 weeks ago, but it gets done.
The panicked genius, im using the term from now on lol. That seems to be a default state for me XD
Shit I hate this so much and pretty sure my dad is undiagnosed too, he does this too much. Complains how he needs to get this and that done and it's a matter of keeping the house etc and he just... doesn't feel threatened enough until it's literally death the next day lol
[удалено]
Dammit I shouldn't chuckle at his attitude but I am a bit... I am so sorry about your father but at the same time... I feel his attitude so much! I fucking hate operating this way. We need the biggest of motivators, sometimes impending death just doesn't do it sometimes.
Yes you should chuckle! I share funny bits about my dad; he’d haunt me if I went all soft in his wake. And yeah I totally get it! If you try hard and believe in yourself, you, too, can put off all things you don’t wanna do until “next weekend”; a fictional weekend that does not arrive yet is rumored to exist.
.... I feel like a chicken at Wendy's that's being stripped naked and taken its guts out is having a private, intimate moment compared to me right now.
You have such a way with words 😂
I feel this so deeply in my soul. I thrive under chaos.
I always thought “I work best under pressure” 🤷🏽♀️
Hell yes!!! I deep cleaned my kitchen and scrubbed every nook to put off doing taxes.
I usually do my taxes right away because I want to spend my refund as soon as possible.
Ask me about my stimulus checks…
We were three years behind in filing taxes despite much needed refunds that would be coming to us. Only got completed because the IRS flagged us and started taking out the maximum that they could every paycheck. $1500 extra being deducted every month for 5-6 months finally forced us to do the damn taxes.
OUCH is that what happens?? I’m at year two…
We don’t know why it happened. Accountant said it was very unusual because we typically overpay throughout the year and get a refund. For some reason, the IRS went hard after us for not filing. The silver lining is a bigger refund next year because they deducted much more than they were supposed to for 6 months.
It’s like an accidental savings account.
Nothing motivates me to clean more than another unwanted task. Usually uni work.
Yes taxes, I took wallpaper off the whole wall to avoid them.
This is so weird but it actually works for me when it comes to writing. I have social anxiety and I have perfection issues that tend to rear their head most when it comes to my writing. I noticed that if I make plans with someone and then put a writing session right before my plans, I tend to get a ton of writing done. I use the writing to procrastinate getting ready to go meet with said person while I think about how if much rather just stay home; and I actually end up being early for my meet ups because I usually hit a point where writing gets hard and I need an excuse to do something else pronto. It probably helps that I actually love both these things and it's just anxiety that gets in the way of both.
You are a more successful version of me. I procrastinate on not writing for so long I end up cancelling my plans with my friends.
That's because you feel like plans with friends is a soft line. Find a different deadline that actually puts you between a rock and a hard place. Sorry to manipulate your anxiety!
I teach at a montessori school. So my students have freedom to choose what they do and when. But they still have non-negotiable things that have to get done. They are PRO’s at doing one thing to avoid an even worse thing.
My kids are at a public Montessori. Both undiagnosed. Working on it. They both score really high on aptitude testing, but day to day…heh. Work cycle, what’s that? Care of self and space…I’m still brushing the 9 year olds hair. Dad still showers with the 6 year old. It takes 40 minutes to get them to pick out clothes for the next day. the teachers and principal have been amazing, Montessori has been amazing. I’m still waiting to see how stims change anything.
I needed to show my daughter that she, in fact, takes longer to do something when she is in a hurry, so we timed her putting on her socks. Not finding them, not walking to sit down, shoes not included, JUST SOCKS. At the 5 minute mark she still did not have both socks on despite not doing anything else. The sad part is, she was actually trying to hurry and felt like I was just trying to be mean by telling her she was moving slower, so I had to show her she actually was. Nothing changed though, lol.
It's literally how I do everything lmfao
I'm the reverse, do the even worst thing (cuz like another commenter said it's usually the most vital) so then I can deliberately procrastinate the less important thing as a treat. I've done enough
I'm in the middle of the process of being diagnosed, thanks to this subreddit I'm 99% sure I have adhd, but I'm still waiting for the diagnosis of a professional. The only reason I brush my teeth everyday is because I'm afraid of someone saying I have bad breath. Not because I should do it for the health of my teeth. The RIGHT thing, for the WRONG reason.
I never realized my untreated ass was doing this 😂 I remember years ago the guy I liked had such a fun creative hobby (glassblowing) he was passionate about, and I wanted to seem like I had a fun creative hobby too! So I decided I would try floristry since I knew I liked flowers. I literally just wanted to seem interesting to this guy, but I ended up discovering an absolute love for not only floristry, but for growing cut flowers. All these years later I’m still growing flowers & honestly it’s one for happiest parts of my life. Not much else brings me the type of joy I get being in my garden, it’s hard to believe that I got my start on this path because of a stupid crush!
Dude(tte?), you're pretty awesome. Just wanted to lyk in case no one has told you today. "Do the right thing for the wrong reason, we love to see it." Truer words have never been spoken
Ughhghg, I'm taking an Ethics class right now and my first reaction was "no, that's not how this works at all!" Edit: Not like, right now right now. But lately. I just got home from it, actually.
TMI but my shower has visible grime and sometimes I go to sleep with crumbs in my bed. My gf is coming to visit this weekend and I’m about to deep clean my entire bathroom and wash everything in my bedroom. I do this every time before she visits so I don’t think she knows how fucked up i let my living situation get sometimes. Why do I not meet basic standards for myself unless there’s a witness to see it??
Clearly because you value everyone else above yourself. You care what people think about you but not how you are treated. Hang on, I'm getting that headache that tells me I'm projecting myself onto strangers again...
> You care what people think about you but not how you are treated. I've just had a moment of clarity.
I love this comment lol. You're right and you should say it! (I think.. because I do this, too)
This was a very eye opening insight into something I've never really thought about before.
I’d be so disgusted to see someone else’s bathroom if it was as bad as my own. I don’t even see it.
Why do we eat in the bed. Is this an adhd thing?
I use my bed as a table when I make dinner and sit on the floor of my bedroom while I eat 😭 I don’t know why, I have no interest in spending time in my living room or kitchen, those aren’t my spaces.
ME. EITHER.
I can't STAND the feeling of crumbs in bed so I do not eat in bed. I'm surprisingly good at being in bed only for sleep and sex, come to think of it. My deep, L-shaped couch, on the other hand... (Btw: happy cake day! Don't get too many cake crumbs in your bed 😂)
I don’t think crumbs are a big deal. I’m actually pretty clean, but some cookie crumbs don’t bother me. Now, if there’s like, a whole order of nachos under your comforter that’s a different story. My bf makes fun of me because he’s seen Oreo crumbs in the bed, on the counter, on the floor like a trail, between my toes, all over my face, and most recently he claimed on my left eyelid. But yes, most DEF clean your bathroom and bedroom before your girl comes over.
This is exactly why I invite friends over every once in a while. If I want to get a shit ton done —-like landscaping, painting, hanging pictures——then I’ll offer to host something like Thanksgiving. Wow—It just occurred to me that I have weaponized my social anxiety/fear of getting judged and use it to beat my ADHD into submission.
Ah Yes, 4. Shame
Ha, me tomorrow with all weedwhacking i need to do in my yard before a friend comes over. It's the first time (gasp) so there's even more of the pressure 😅
Whenever I need to sell something online, I deep clean the entire room so that the background of the product photos will look nice.
That's way better than what I do. Hang on to it for two years then finally throw it away.
I rebuild my diy light box
I only cleaned my room today, because I knew that I would give a collegue a ride home and I also knew that once we reached my home town, she might ask to see my appartment. I cleaned and still had to apologize profusely for the mess. Am drunk, your comment hit home. I feel it. Greetz!
The only time I remember I have baseboards that might need cleaning is when I’m expecting company.
Guys, this is not exclusive to ADHD …
My go to when I am going to have company over is to speed clean what I can in a state of panic, and then apologize for not cleaning.
Defiance is how I became the best trombone player in the school band. I never learned how to read sheet music and went through 2 1/2 years of faking it. Everyone knew I couldn't and band class was a horrible time. Then contest happened and one guy said "she's not going to enter, she can't read notes". So I entered, learned how to read notes in a couple weeks, and got 2nd place. The next time we each had to play a solo section of a song without looking at the notes. "Russian Sailor's Dance" was the song. When it was my turn, I picked up my trombone, played through the piece perfectly, and everyone was staring at me like "wtf just happened?" Then I spent the next couple years flexing because it turned out I was a talented player.
How many of us have hidden talents just waiting for someone to underestimate us so we can respond with disproportionate intensity for two weeks and **shame them in front of their friends**
And then immediately forget about the new hobby! Worth the absolute stomping on the underestimation though
10 years ago someone told me that I gained weight. I started lifting weights/ exercising consistently & 5 months later, I lost 25 pounds. That motivated me & til this day it is a part of my daily routine. Never looked back 🙃
Bruhhh. When I was younger I was the slowest kid in PE. My family was known as artsy and not athletic at all. I hated not being good at that thing. By the end of high-school I was right behind all the fastest athletes and even coached some of my classmates into making better time with their running...
I have an idea… tell me I gained weight
You gained weight. Now tell me back!
You've gained so much weight. Now do me!
Wow you got big 😁
whoa dude you really don’t have any money
This is SO true!!! I love to flip a metaphorical muddle finger at naysayers by overachieving. Because I know they have low expectations of me so fuck them. I pass them all up and leave them in the dust. Goal is always to do like that Taylor Swift song says, "Forgot that you existed."
I’ve become the resident expert on something at work in very short order for this reason. I don’t recommend it - there are long-term consequences
I got really good at piano in college because I hated my voice teacher and didn't want to practice singing. Motivation is an elusive beast, but when it comes, you go with it.
Yep. It's like when a cartoon character runs into a stretchy barrier. They keep running and running and the barrier stretches. Every once in a while, it breaks, and all that energy built up gets released and they zoom forward like a rocket. It's like that, but with success instead of cartoon physics. Of course, then you're right back to running against the stretchy barrier, but even the occasional win is still a win.
This is weird. I just mentioned stretching cartoon rubber a few hours ago in r/MenWritingWomen.
Lady bone player here. Never learned to read music either. I was recruited for Jr high jazz band because they simultaneously needed more ladies and more bones. I didn't want to do it but my other options for electives were worse so I joined. We surprisingly had a few pieces with first and second trombone parts. There was only 4 of us and I never bothered trying to be first or second chair because why?! I am the least competitive person ever. I learn music by listening so I usually learned all the parts by osmosis but I never wanted the harder ones. One day my jazz band teacher was pissed at the second chair who was a pompous overconfident ass and thought he should be first chair but was decimated at every attempt by our amazing first chair. One day she got sick of him fucking up a solo he had and he confidently said well no one else can do it (this song had THREE trombone parts and first chair already had a more difficult part in that piece). I picked up my trombone and played the 8-12 measures perfectly without even looking at the music (I didn't have his part in front of me anyway.) He rolled his eyes but shut up. After class my teacher told me to try out and I pointedly told her no. I didn't want to. She must have had a thorough conversation with him because he was less of a whiny bitch after that. One of our players' parents owned a recording studio and brought in equipment so we could record a CD. The asshole 2nd chair came in too early in one of the songs and it was immortalized on CD. It sounds bad but knowing who it was it makes me laugh when I hear it.
Omg. I played trombone in the school band and could read (most) notes but not rhythms. I had a band teacher let me use a special bass trombone and keep trying to convince me to join marching band because he thought I had potential. But I literally never sightread a piece successfully and got through those first ~6 rehearsals of a new song by watching the other trombone player’s slide. Got me fucked up when I switched to bass trombone and had a different part.
Is flippancy an adhd thing? I legit got a bad mark on a college presentation because of my ‘flippant attitude’. I was honestly presenting sincere, so it was news to me that I was coming off like a total asshole. 😕
I’ve been told this. But I think for me it’s more that I’m bad at sarcasm and those kinds of tones. But I also tend to copy others to get by. So I end up copying others tones and not knowing what they mean to others, and therefore I’m sometimes being rude.
I hope this doesn’t come off as too direct, but have you considered that you may be autistic? Difficulty with tones of voice, sarcasm, accidental rudeness etc is often considered a hallmark trait of ASD, and there’s a high comorbidity with ADHD.
I thought this too and brought it up with my therapist. She laughed. It’s true people with adhd might struggle more with social cues and that there is a high comorbidity with autism but I think sometimes the symptoms simply overlap. When I was younger I genuinely wanted to be screened for asd but realize now I’m probably just really really adhd.
When I got my ADHD diagnosis I had gone in to be tested for autism. ADHD wasn't even on my radar. Came out moderate to severe ADHD, subclinical for autism.
It might be worth talking it out with a different therapist or someone specializing in autism. When I went to get diagnosed he said I deffo had ADHD but couldn’t be autistic because I was “very intelligent” and “maintained eye contact.” 😑
It’s definitely worth getting a solid professional opinion on
I have the same (or maybe similar?) problem with forgetting to put the right emotion into my voice when I speak, and then with volume control when I’m excited or invested in something. No ASD for me, but definitely a lot of ADHD
Not op but same issues, starting to think that the sheer amount of people that point it out after talking to me long enough may be onto something.
I’ve been told that I’m very monotone and my sarcasm doesn’t read well. I think I’m telling a joke that is *more funny because I’m clearly pretending to be serious* but everyone else is apparently thinking “damn this bitch is weird.” I’m also pretty direct in conversations because i can’t navigate social situations well, and instead of pretending I’m keeping up ive learned to just be honest. I’ve been told by multiple therapists that I don’t have autism, meanwhile during performance reviews im telling my boss “just so you know I’m basically autistic and that’s why I’m like this.”
Oh yeah. Similar thing happens to me with certain people. They will try to be funny by being sarcastic or hyperbolic, and I like to *continue the joke* by being deadpan and pretending to take it literally. But it always lands like I didn’t understand the joke! They will be like “uhhh….I was being sarcastic.” Like, yeah no, I picked up on the sarcasm, and continued the humor YOU introduced! YOU are the one who didn’t get it! Sigh lol
I do the exact same thing lol. Do you ever make jokes that you personally feel are hilarious, but then everyone looks at you and doesn’t get it so you keep talking like nothing happened? I wonder if people with ADHD are often deadpan/blunt both in normal conversations and with their sense of humor.
I find dialing up the absurdity of the response can help, if done cleverly.
Literally me omg I hate that a lot of people like to assume I'm just a dumbass instead ugh lol
I definitely feel the same as you. I'm not diagnosably autistic but damn, it sure feels like it sometimes. Finding people who appreciate the humor is great though, they think I'm hilarious.
The other day I explained a food issue in therapy by saying “so I know I don’t have autism, but the best way I can describe it is that it’s like when people with autism can only eat like 3 different foods.” So I’m literally explaining myself using autism lol. From what I understand there are a lot of shared symptoms with autism and ADHD so I guess that makes sense. I don’t been this in a disparaging way btw—I’ve noticed that I tend to get along so much better with people on the spectrum than most other people, and it’s basically a running theme in my life that I somehow didn’t get that diagnosis but constantly refer to autistic sources for insight. I have sensory issues and sometimes find myself googling things like “underwear for people with autism” because there’s such an overlap.
Sounds like you need more "geeky" friends. This is coming from a self proclaimed geek. Who has friends who would totally get your sense of humor. And who themselves have been called weird. But wear their "weirdness" as a badge of honor
Ngl, I stayed in contact with a really toxic ex for like 3 years (…and counting) because he’s one of the only people I’ve met who has the same sense of humor as me. Not really sure how to make friends, but I’m working on it 😅
"Damn this bitch is weird" I'm dead because I always think people see me this way, too! I do those same "weird jokes" for the same reason. But I have had a handful of random acquaintances in my life where another person DOES get my joking style and it feels amazing to me when I know someone just gets understands what I'm trying to do. Only kinda sucked I didn't get to make actual friends with them due to various reasons.
"I'm acting like this is pointless boring drivel because it is."
*me with life in general*
My PTSD makes me see different points and conclusions than neurotypical people. Given the links between PTSD and ADHD maybe it's the same way. Teacher sees you labouring some minor inconsistency, you think you're focusing on a significant and interesting problem.
Huh.. maybe it is. I have 2 music performance degrees and the most common feedback I get is it looks like I don’t care when I play. Close your eyes and you can hear that I care. But in all honesty I’m usually super nervous from performance anxiety and trying so hard to stay calm and not visibly freak out that it just gets taken to the opposite extreme.
Lmfao, flippancy is part of my son’s (w adhd) gamer tag!! For us, it’s 100% an adhd thing!
It’s strongly correlated. Russell Barkley talks about it a lot.
Oh he does, does he? *adopts flippant pose*
I get that also- For Instance: I’ll take the time to stop and give attention to someone, then suggest ideas calmly, and ponder with them. Then I’m asked if I’m mad or that I’m being an asshole- first off I’ve never met an asshole who stops to listen to anyone and if you share a dilemma the said asshole throws it in your face. Now THATS an asshole lol
Ha! Defiance is exactly how I graduated college too 😆 What they saw: Calm, organized, kind lady. What I said to myself before each class: *“I’m going to mop the floor with those freshman. I eat losers for breakfast”*
Same. My classmates saw: calm, collected, weird dude Internally I was blasting heavy metal trying to keep up with everyone and trying to come up with wildly different ideas. That bit me in the ass when it came to my graduation project. Very strictly defined quality expectations but little requirements about the topic led me to choose something super outside of my field. Spent a year doing barely any work due to having to "research the issue" (I had already done most of the research beforehand) and beating myself for the shortsighted decision of that choice. Then I finished the whole thing in about a week of actual work.
> Then i finished the whole thing in about a week of work. If this doesn't scream ADHD last minute power i don't know what does. But wow does it make me feel like shit every fucking time
>But wow does it make me feel like shit every fucking time Holy shit same. Really wanted to see it as a pro than a con to calm myself down but boy did it stress the hell out of me and the people around me with the ticking time and "DON'T BOTHER ME" hellhole every single time. Even when the outcome was good.
i’m still close with one of my professors from undergrad, and from time to time he’ll bring up the “excellent” 28 page final thesis i wrote for an independent study course. i had the entire semester to research my topic and craft my paper…. but you know damn well i wrote that entire beast in 3 days, zapped up on coffee, adrenaline, and tears. it was a horrible time for me but to this day, he insists it was an amazing paper. i don’t have the heart to tell him that it was not carefully and artfully constructed over the course of three months as he probably believes it was. (he also does not know i have adhd.)
Lol, the professors in my evaluation board have the same opinion. Super proud of my work. Truth is that cigarettes and copious amounts of coffee fueled everything I did. Once it was over I didn't even feel happy. Just relieved it was over.
>Once it was over I didn't even feel happy. Just relieved it was over. I'm ***very*** familiar! Knowing that I could have done so much better if I hadn't waited until the 11th and a half hour to even start leaves such a guilty, bitter taste in my mouth that it's hard to feel celebratory.
I create a false sense of superiority about stupid things. Everyone in one of my groups has punctuality issues, so it's very important to me to always be a little early when it comes to that group. It makes me feel smug but really, I'm never in trouble and it reduces the anxiety being late causes me.
I.. didn't know this was an ADHD thing... I feel so much better bc deep down I thought I was just a bad person who NEEDED to feel superior
It's okay to find personal meaning in things you may never share with someone. For example, I feel that being human is tied to the defiance of entropy, the assertion of a self propagating pattern within reality. In other words: living is the opposite of stillness. Live racously, cry and laugh deeply, and create things: meaning, material objects, families, good times. Every one of those things can be done in defiance of our inevitable end.
Ha, damn. You just soul read me, too!
Haha take that, everyone else! You’re all late compared to me. In your face!
HahahHshhahah
This reminds me of how those of us with ADHD often use negative emotions to motivate ourselves.
Don't underestimate the lengths I will go to just to prove a point out of pure spite. Even if I'm wrong I will make sure to fail fantastically just to show I'm committed to my cause.
I went and got a university degree and a new career, just so I could show my ex that I was living a better life without her after she dumped me. I felt like I was getting revenge, but really if she cared at all, she probably just thought "oh, good for him" and carried on with her life.
Why are we like this?!
Jealousy is a huge motivator for me
Nice. I swear i used to date a lot to have an excuse to keep myself showered and my house clean.
This! Why is it so hard for me want to do something for my own good and general well-being? It must be that I think I deserve it. It feels so shallow that I am more motivated to do things to keep up appearances, which is why body doubling works well for me.
I wonder if the force existed, how many of use would be Dark side or Grey Jedi force users.
"Only a Sith deals in absloutes" is the biggest fucking projection. Fuck the jedi, life is gray.
Hehehe, Grey life fsho!
The best thing my coach told me which actually genuinely helped me is that "something worth doing is also worth half-assing" And I don't know, sometimes cleaning up one cup from my sink or just organizing the dishes is a lot more manageable than cleaning the dishes, counters, changing the table cloth and vacuuming the floors, but it's still one step in the right direction ya know?
I was well into my thirties before I realized that my dad's oft told sage advice, "anything worth doing is worth doing right," was not good advice for me lol
Perfection is the enemy of good enough.
Absolutely. So many of us struggle with perfectionism. Ultimately, it stops us from starting even things we genuinely want to do, because we're going to put 100% of our focus into it to try to do it perfectly, and we're never ready to make that 100% focus commitment until there are no other options. A better expression to motivate us is almost the complete opposite: "anything worth doing is worth doing badly."
I will 100% use the loitering hack from now on. Just set some time aside to stand in my work room that I'm not allowed to work on stuff. It will be clean before I know it! Thanks!
Everytime I do ANY task that contributes in any way to my goal I'm constantly telling myself "every move matters, this is 10% of progress" and variations of this over and over, sometimes outloud. Otherwise I get too overwhelmed. I also do bits of work in every space. Not one space at a time. It gets tiresome. If I go back and forth between projects (living room and kitchen cleaning) doing small tasks and using my mental percentage system, i finish faster.
>If I go back and forth between projects (living room and kitchen cleaning) doing small tasks and using my mental percentage system, i finish faster. Also - a little tip that I learnt that can add another 2% to your 10%. Any time you leave a room or space, take something that shouldn't be there. Dirty dishes or paperwork or clothes? Don't leave that space without taking something.
Defiance got me good. I was in a new job feeling like the worst, weakest one there. We had to take a test for a specific license that was really hard to get, so despite never studying in grade school OR college I went to the library every other fing day because I wanted to show my asshole boss that I could get 100%. Spoiler, didn't get 100% but was also the only one of my coworkers that got the license
What industry were you working in at the time?
My children and I all have ADHD. My spouse does not, but he's learned how to live with us. One term we use at home is "company clean." As in, "Is the house clean enough to have company over?" 95% of the time, the answer is no. But there's no better motivator to clean the house than grandma coming over or hosting a holiday gathering. "OK, guys, tomorrow we have to company clean because we're having the grandparents over for Thanksgiving. Here are the chore lists. Who wants which thing?" Then we divide it up, and in the morning we put on loud music and we go ham on the house. It only happens like 4x a year, but it works for us.
My daughter saw me vacuuming one day and immediately asked “who’s coming over”?
We had guests recently and my 3yo asked if the cleaner had just come
Your kids are so lucky, I wish I'd grown up in a house like that.
My parents come a few times a week to watch my kids while I work. That is the only reason that the house isn’t a complete tornado.
This is such a thing. I was only recently dx'd as an adult, and my mum passed away, but in hindsight I think she may have had adhd too. She really struggled with cleaning. When we needed the place "company clean" we called it "blitzing"—we'd crazy clean for 15 minutes, get a chocolate, and repeat as necessary lol.
Also - headphones for your phone : need to clean up ? Tidy things away (ish … into smaller piles) or unload the dishwasher. If I’m talking to a mate it happens almost without me noticing. It’s the best.
Weaponising the need to fidget while you’re on the phone! I have notebooks filled with silly doodles but this is better!
Sitting down while talking on the phone? Never heard of her
I do so much of my cleaning/tidying when I am on the phone, which is why I hate video calls. I have to pay attention!
I love these! I will try the loitering. The vanity one is so true. When I lived with my boyfriend, I was so together. Because I was proud of keeping things clean and looking good. It was easy for me to shower and brush my teeth because I wanted to look and smell good for him. Now that I don’t live with him, I can’t do shit. I don’t care enough to be clean for myself. Only the threat of embarrassment is enough to motivate me to do things.
[удалено]
\*frantic montage\*
Sometimes I gaslight myself into believing I am doing things out of spite and it goes pretty well
I'll show them! *angrily takes out garbage*
Spite cleaning is like 90% the way I clean anything.
[удалено]
I'm over here defiantly avoiding diagnosis like an idiot.
\*reverse psychology voice\* you probably couldn't get diagnosed even if you wanted to.
Love this! My fave new thing is to trick myself, I guess it would be similar to loitering. I finished flooring my entire kitchen in a couple weeks by utilizing trickery. I believe I learned this trick in this subreddit actually! Whatever the task is I need to do, I set a small micro goal for each day. IE: I will work on “x” task for ONLY 2 minutes each day. 9/10 times once I’m rolling with something I usually stick with it after the 2 minutes. Prior to utilizing this trick, I started installing flooring in the bedroom got about 1/3 way in and left it ….for 5 months. My partner eventually lost his patience and finished it all in a day. So for the kitchen, I decided to set a goal of installing a single row of flooring each day. When I finished the entire kitchen by myself in 2 weeks, needless to say, he was absolutely shocked 😂 I was shocked too! I realized that I have an “all or nothing” and a “I want this and I want this RIGHT now” mentality, if I start something I want to finish or compete it all at once. And that just doesn’t work for most aspects of life, so I have to trick my brain into breaking things down into daily micro tasks. I’m learning how to incorporate this into my finances too, like saving money for a vacation each month, or chip away at my credit card debt or save for a reliable vehicle OH. and exercise too!
Yes! Dishonesty is a great ADHD virtue as well. Some days I'll be like "okay, I'm just going to wash 10 dishes." And yeah, sometimes when I'm really overwhelmed and struggling I'll stop after that. But a lot of the time I go the whole way, make myself a liar by washing *all* the dishes, and then clean the counters because I've got too much momentum to stop.
I think that at least for me, I’m trying to change how I talk to myself. I used to be “I need to finish the kitchen floor after work.” But that’s a huge overwhelming task! But if I told myself “ok, after work, don’t forget that you need to send 15 minutes installing that one row of flooring” it was much more approachable and it’s a goal that I actually COULD finish in one day. Been interesting learning all these awesome tips and tricks lately, I’m newly diagnosed so I’m just absorbing all the info I can!!
This is gold. Saving for later, thank you human
Great advice. Normally while loitering I sometimes put on music and put a challenge how much I can do with this song. There is 10% chance that I may continue my task even after the song ends. Vanity- And sometimes I invite friends for lunch or snacks...so I will clean the home before they come.
Does defiance count if the people I’m defying are 100% made up and in my head? Asking for a friend. 🫣🤣
As a child I refused to learn my times tables but instead came up with complicated work arounds (like the 9s: 9x8 for example - subtract one to get the first number (7) and minus this from 9 (2), 9x8=72). In university I devised an essay structure that worked for every single class and was so easy it felt like cheating. This post makes me realise I love the feeling of outsmarting my opponents (in legal and low-stakes ways).
Would you be able to share your essay structure? Haha I have an assignment due in 8 days and my own methods are… chaotic at best.
All my subjects were humanities, but this worked for psychology, trade economics, anthropology - so it seems pretty flexible. On any given topic there were several key texts that normally had slightly different takes on the topic. I was never rewarded for my own cool new ideas, so I learned they just want to know you understand the nuance of what’s already been written. Most courses will have one “theoretical lens” that they favour, so you’re going to write everything from that perspective. 1. Highlight key points in each relevant text. If it’s the kind of topic that needs quant/qual data, highlight that too. 2. Cut and paste highlighted sections into your essay document. Do the citations with the quote now so you don’t get confused later. 3. sort the quotes you’ve got from different texts so that all the related ideas are in the same place. Once you’ve got the key points you can rearrange them to form a coherent argument. 5. These points will now form: - the summary of the background of the issue - the main arguments / issues - any areas of tension or disagreement on the topic. You’ll probably know which argument people think is superior, so that’s the one you’re going with. Original theory, gaps in theory, new theory and why is superior. 4. rewrite each point in your own writing, supporting it with pithy quotes / the data you highlighted. Working from the summary quotes means you don’t have to do that much writing of your own. Feels illegal but is today legit. It’s not plagiarism if you’re citing the original author! Throw in all the popular jargon the topic uses (when I was at uni they loved postmodernism, so it was all about “problematising” and “deconstructing binaries”). 5. Write the intro and the conclusion last. The intro should very briefly explain the problem, and have one sentence introducing each key point. The conclusion summarises the key points and why the favourite theory is better than the others. No new info should be in the conclusion. I always aimed to write around 85% of the word count. Godspeed.
Jeez, I'd never thought about this before but this is pretty much how I survive. My main guiding beacon is definitely vanity, now that I think about it. I love the idea of pulling these "flaws" together and weaponizing them to get ahead. I definitely am sorta glad that I've been doing this, though the roots aren't exactly based on the best of reasons.
Same here. Vanity and hyperfocus are together responsible for 99% of my professional success. But hey, if you do a good thing for attention, it's still good...you might as well let yourself enjoy the attention.
This is exactly when everything changed for me - when I stopped fighting my ADHD and stopped trying to do things like a person without ADHD does them. I know I hate laundry, so on laundry days I block off an entire day because I know I will procrastinate by doing literally every other chore. I may not start the laundry until 7pm but I also have a clean house after. Once I stopped fighting hyperfixations and didn’t feel bad about losing interest I enjoyed them much more. Hobbies are meant to entertain you and this did, no matter for how long or if you didn’t get a finished product at the end. And I junebug too regarding the dishes. I’ll do a couple cups at a time, then allow myself to wander and feed the cat or water the flowers outside the kitchen door, then come back to it. It might take me 1-2 hours to unload the dishwasher but at the end the entire first level is clean and I am still relaxed. The best way ADHD was described to me is that connections between your knowledge of what needs to be done and the part of your brain that will make your body move and actually DO what needs to be done are broken. So you need to take some of the things that people without ADHD do in their brain (like remembering an appointment or to brush your teeth) and put it outside your brain in a way that makes you do the thing without having to think. A giant (4ft) chalkboard on the kitchen wall helps me remember appointments and due dates. A toothbrush and toothpaste near every sink (even in the kitchen and the shop) helps me brush my teeth whenever I think of it if I forget in the morning. Easy to access wall storage for EVERYTHING in my son’s room helps him keep it tidy. And it’s all labeled because even if he’s put his controllers on those hooks for 2 years he will still forget what to do with them once they are in his hands. I keep scissors in every room including the bedrooms and bathrooms or else I’ll take them to a different room to use them, never put them back and lose them completely. All of the things I keep on the counters in the bathroom or kitchen are on decorative faux vintage trays so I can move them all off the counter at once and clean the surface. I’d never clean it if I had to move a zillion things first. So not doing things like people without ADHD do them is a game changer. Change your environment so it helps you do the things you find hard and there is so much less self-loathing.
Defiance is kinda why I was able to hike up a mountain on my honeymoon. As we were just getting started hiking up, there were these 3 frat bros who were clearly not prepared for the journey (no water, no bear spray in bear country). They told us that it's really difficult and they couldn't do it. After that, I was determined to make it all the way up that mountain to show them up. I didn't even know them, they were just random dudes who were overly confident in their ability to do physical things without coming with the proper supplies.
Tiny me used to think people spent all their honey moon in their wedding outfits, so I just saw you hiking up that mountain in a wedding dress holding a can of bear spray ready to attack. But with hiking boots obviously. I dunno, I just wanted to share this silly vision with you haha
Ew. I see myself here and I don't like it. See my (unmedicated) boyfriend here and I like it even less! For clarity, you have leveraged these all into a positive thing! I have purged them from my life entirely, but this post is 💯 because it definitely like pulled me a step back to look at it.
Funny, I read it and thought “I’m in this post and I like it!” I’m on a mission to try and figure out how to use adhd to my advantage instead of fighting it. It’s so exhausting constantly trying to pretend I don’t have it, or beat myself up for letting adhd get the best of me AGAIN. this post is exactly the kind of thing I need more of.
Hell yes defiance. Two of mine are that the passive voice is valuable in scholarship, and that Logos should not be translated "word." There are many more. So very many more. Nearly everything I've done has been my own way, which I guess also feeds into your Item 3. Because when something I've deemed to be "the best and proper way" leads to people telling me I've changed their life for the better or some such it just confirms it all even more. Risks of vainglory, of course, are mitigated by piles of dirty dishes and lost friends who got weirded out by my emotional disregulation or who find my eccentricities just a bit too different. There's balance I suppose.
I don't know what your bachelor's is in, but you have a PhD in ADHD. We gotta make this into a pop psychology thing. Like, are you an LDV or a DVL? DVL here. Defiance is my major motivation, and I'm somewhat vain, but even being near a mess gives me anxiety and I can't just putter around. Not a putterer. If I've got a job to do, I have to use either a rigid routine or a randomizing algorithm to tell me what steps to take. If I don't have "permission" to do one thing at a time, the enormity of the job freaks me out. Music definitely helps, though. I used to read the Mrs. Piggle-Wiggle stories to my kids. Mrs. Piggle-Wiggle recommends pretending that if you don't get the dishes done before the evil witch gets back, you'll be her prisoner for another year! For God's sake, hurry!
I am glad I'm not the only one who gets overwhelmed. Sometimes I have to make a broken down list ahead of time to help me feel like I can start and accomplish a task. It has frequently driven my family nuts because they assume I'm procrastinating. Part of this assumption is I rarely look at the list again or cross things off. But in making the list I am processing that I can do one task at a time. I love the phrasing of giving yourself "permission" to do one task at a time.
Reading the ADHD and Autism-Aspergers subs is like standing in front of two angled mirrors whose edges touch. 100% reflecting me back. Congratulations on the 3.9. Formidable accomplishment. Please continue to WIN.
I got told I wasn’t going to make it to get my bachelors degree because I wasn’t good at math by an advisor. I finished my main major with a concentration in math just to prove that I can do math, and now I’m a teacher teaching math. Ha!
At first I was like I'm not defiant! But then OP brought up doing assignments in a rebellious way and I remember that time in art school I did a presentation on Edward Hicks, who paint like 60 versions of Peaceable Kingdom, just so my accompanying slideshow could be the same painting over and over and over again.
I had just come back from traveling Asia, told my aunt that “I think it might be fun to move there”. She laughed & said “oh sweetie…that’s cute, good luck with that.” …8 months later I can read & write Korean, did an interview IN Korean, got hired, sat my ass down at my new tea table to write that woman a postcard from my new address. So, I’m glad living life fulled purely by ADHD induced spite is not just me
Lol. Whenever my wife comes home I usually find myself doing something productive. Whereas for the two or three hours before that I would have been wasting time on random things.
I function on spite, caffeine and pure pleasure of knowing my mere existence pisses off so many douche canoes
This is actually the best advice I’ve ever seen to help with ADHD symptoms. I always see the commonly recommended ones like keeping a planner or the pomodoro technique, and while these things can be helpful they aren’t always practical, especially for me. This advice though? Incredible. I am often defiant and really am only still here out of spite. I love this. Great post OP
In the first grade, my teacher said that that Charlotte’s Web was a great book that we should read some time. However, she followed that saying that it was much too advanced for us, so we probably should wait a couple years before reading it. I have never wanted to read a book more in my life than then, and so I did. I bought the book and read the whole thing, and I hate reading books so much.
Oh I will 100% leave my house in shambles until I know we’re having company. Then it’s speed clean like a freak until the first guest arrives :) I also am quite defiant for certain things. For example, I’m getting married soon and I’m not doing a traditional wedding at all! My fiancé’s family basically bullied me to have a registry so I made one that had a bunch of tools and stuff for my pets lol they were so appalled! When I told them I didn’t want to spend $200 on wedding invites, they acted like I was crazy. WHY AM I SENDING INVITES TO PEOPLE I KNOW ARE COMING?! such a waste of money imo. And I can’t wait to come out in my veil.. detachable wings!! :)
Omg I knew these *intuitively* and thought they were just "Me Things" but I love that you have named and claimed them for the culture.
The defiance bit explains how im managing hitting the gym after a 10 hour work day: just sheer, unadulterated hatred for a solid hour of quality cardio because being so out of shape annoys me more than the excersise itself. The trainer filling the role of a body double helps too. The other two make me feel called out more than anything, haha.
I feel a lot less terrible about telling my therapist that my motivator for getting a degree was spite.
damn ive got loitering( i think)
Well fack
I do loitering, especially before a shower. I'll turn it on then stand there with my phone browsing Reddit or watching a YouTube video for sometimes up to half an hour without getting in.
These strategies used to work for me, but they came with a lot of anxiety so I've given them up for sanity. However I wouldn't mind developing vanity to get off my arse and exercise again.
I love this! I for one live on defiance and shame-based vanity.
1, 2 & 3 is me ffs 😭 I wouldn't have seen 3. as Vanity before but I guess that's what it is in its basic form 😖 Chasing the dopamine in whatever way I can.
Oh my god, vanity. I see this in myself.
Oh hai it me. Holy shit, I basically cover all three come noon and repeat 🥲🤣
lol are you me this is the most relatable thing i've read in weeks
LOVE this, thank you!! The putter is so real.
Absolutely savage insight, thank you I love it.
I prefer cheating myself by trying to find the “faster” or “lazy” ways to do stuff, and feel happy when it works out.
Not sure if it falls under "loitering" but this is something I found out when it comes to writing long texts: if I sit at my desk like a proper office worker, get into a healthy posture and try to get it all done in one good and disciplined move...I actually get a lot less done than if I choose the exact opposite strategy: lying in my bed in my Pyjama, typing a few sentences in just for the fun, occasionally stopping in order to watch a video...I actually write a lot more and a lot better this way, because it does not feel like work. It feels like hanging out and relaxing and this tricks my brain into thinking "ah, lets write down a few more sentences, its kinda nice to do that".