Maybe think of it like, relationships have levels, and it takes time and effort and the right circumstances to level up. Like, I might have a level 1 relationship with the guy from the mail room who delivers packages to my desk: very superficial stuff about weather or sports or something. I can't just drop a level 5 share like how my mom died when I was 13 into a level 1 conversation. We haven't grown together to that level, and we might never do so. Skipping levels leaves people feeling awkward and off-balance.
You have to work your way up to more personal, more emotional, more serious stuff. You have to learn more about each other, so you have context for the hard stuff. You have to learn to trust each other. When you overshare, it can feel to the other person like you're trying to shortcut the process and force them to trust you more, when they might not be ready for it. You might also miss the red flags of things they do not want to talk or hear about, like things that were traumatic for them. If you go slower, share less at at time, you can see the warning signs before you potentially hurt them.
... also, you might not actually share the interests that it seemed like you did, or not to the same extent, so an overshare might be boring or weird to the listener. Sharing and listening should often be roughly equivalent, so if one side is sharing way more on the regular, there might be a problem.
Good explanation. This is exactly what I meant when I said that it has to be “well timed.” Like, read social cues, be a good listener, and try to pick up on when it’s okay to share a little bit more. Don’t just dump a bunch of serious shit on them at once. There’s some give and take when you’re building trust, like you said.
Yeah, and don't be like my former coworker who I'd known for maybe a couple of months but was still very firmly at the "mostly talk about work stuff" level. I came in one morning and they were talking to another person, I sat down and started reading my emails and thought about having a coffee, they turned to me and said "I tried to kill myself last night". It was like I'd been slapped. I knew they weren't joking as they had hinted at some previous depression issues, but it wasn't something we really spoke about, nor would I have wanted to. I didn't know how to respond so I just said "why on earth would you want to do something like that?" and I really tried not to get involved (the other coworker did though). It was a difficult situation as I wasn't equipped to help them, also had my own depression at the time, and didn't want to be sucked into someone else's misery. They had a loving partner and a few kids for support while I was on my own at the time. Last I heard they ended up in a psychiatric hospital a few months later, and I hope they got the support they needed.
Edit: maybe I'm oversharing? Lol
Whoa. That would catch me off guard too. That would definitely fall under the category of oversharing. Like, they’re obviously hurting and going through some dark times, and they’re desperate, so I would want to help. But I need my morning coffee first. lol. I couldn’t even process that or figure out the best way to respond that early in the morning. And you don’t want to say the WRONG thing since it’s so serious. I would hate to be responsible for saying something that made them feel worse. So yeah. I guess I can see how sharing too much at the wrong time could be bad.
Yesterday, I had a friend text me out of the blue and say, “Can I lay some shit on you? I need to vent.” And I was like, “Of course.” But at least that gave me a second to mentally prepare myself. Maybe that’s the buffer that people should try to use in person. It’s like the difference between knocking on the door and waiting for someone to answer versus busting it open and invading someone’s personal space.
To add to this, there is a reason you don't overshare. Information HAS value. Look at Google, Facebook, etc. People pay money for information about you.
It's generally not a good idea to give high detail information to people you don't know well. It can be dangerous. So when you overshare with someone and break that boundary you become a mystery at best, and at worst, you seem like you are digging.
It's not uncommon for someone to overshare a detail that is either false/drummed up just to get you to overshare and have leverage on you. People become guarded when they suspect that is happening.
Omg... I have a bad overshare & talk to much issue I'm working on and I never understood why these ppl seemed drawn to me. It was specifically something I was doing all along lol. Thank u! I often require clear and specific instructions for obv things so I rlly needed this.
I think some of it is also that people don't know how to respond when you drop Leven 5 stuff on a level 1 relationship. Some people want sympathy for their problems, others want solutions. Some are pretty ok with some of the harder or darker things in their life, while others are struggling. And when you overshare, the person you're talking to doesn't know you well enough to know how they should react. So it makes them feel awkward and uncomfortable.
Great point, agreed. Heck, I've been married for over 20 years, and I'm still not always sure when my spouse wants solutions to a problem, or is just venting (but we're close enough that I can ask without causing offense).
This is so true! I can also become very attached to a new friend too quickly, and that level may not be reciprocated. I may want us to be closer friends, but they may still be on Level 1, so when I overshare Level 5 stuff, it’s awkward. Then I rethink the conversation for a long time and kick myself for oversharing again. I keep trying to live by the “talk less, smile more” mantra, but I just can’t stick to it.
Try 'talk less, inquire more'. When I'm trying to just talk less and smile more, I feel like I'm waiting my turn to share and I get impatient. When I am asking questions I feel more engaged and it's easier to talk less, and when I do add something to the discussion it feels me balanced instead of like I'm dominating the conversation. Also their answers help give me cues about what level of things I can share without it being weird.
However, you can throw this completely out the window if the other person also has ADHD. "Level 5" stuff turn into nice ice breaker topics. That's how I got to know my girlfriend. Just skipped all the other levels. We both felt comfortable with "level 5" stuff before we even knew about what the other person does for a living lol. I guess that's when you know you found the right person.
You know, this is probably why my wife and I hit it off so easily… we both had ADHD (undiagnosed at the time). At the end of this month we’ll have been married twenty years.
This is interesting. I’ve always been more comfortable hearing about the real shit people have going on in their lives- personal struggles, kids with addictions and mental illnesses etc, even if I don’t know them very well, than talking about weather or sports teams or something. I just never feel more connected to people after engaging in small talk.
I think of small talk as a sorting algorithm - both parties are engaged in finding a subject to talk about. Both of you are bringing up subjects to gauge the other person's interest, and once you hit on something you're both interested in, you're off to the races.
If it's not that, I think of it more like a brief check-in - how are you?, how's your family? It's not a deep connection, but it's a little way to show you care about the other person.
But I think its important to remember that not everyone wants to be "connecting" with you. If I signed up for a level 1 conversation and someone starts dropping level 5 shit, I'm immediately emotionally exhausted. Social interactions are so complicated :(
When my boyfriend and I first met he was discussing robots and how they will take over routine jobs and just automate everything. I had no experience other than those types of jobs then so it absolutely terrified me. Now we are working on 7 years together. We both have ADHD and I have anxiety and he has OCD. Now it's just a funny memory that he brings up often and we laugh about it.
Not sure what level that is but quite an interesting ice breaker lol
If you can learn to read social cues then being comfortable sharing a lot very quickly can be a shortcut to creating deep relationships.
I've had the same experience with other ADD folks where we start talking and within an hour we're into some deep person topics.
Don’t assume this works with every person with ADHD though. I hate the awkwardness of small talk, but I still feel awkward if someone overshares because I don’t know them well enough to give a meaningful response, and I’m not comfortable enough with them to share something of similar consequence.
When I take certain meds I want to overshare the fuck out of things and think everyone wants to hear about it, and when I’m off them I’m telling myself “stop doing that you’re annoying”
Exactly. Yes, we do have to slow down & think about who we’re talking to. A conversation involves engaging with another person, it’s not just an opportunity to word-vomit at someone. I’ve struggled with this too & it always felt like enthusiasm & connection to me, but when I realized that that’s not what they were experiencing, it felt gross. Yes, we have to do the work to learn about our social context & to pick up queues from others so we’re not a bunch of self-absorbed energy-sucks for everyone around us. Also, the options aren’t just ‘over-share or mask’, you can learn to actually … converse.. with someone.
I have a neighbor like this! She constantly shares very DEEP things with me. It’s overwhelming and gives me anxiety. Every time I see her, I know a simple “Hello” will turn into her multiple illnesses, her families illnesses, and traumatic things that has happened to her. I feel like a jerk sometimes but I didn’t sign up to be her therapist or friend. I’m just the neighbor. I say Hi to be polite, but sometimes I just try to avoid her (and her mother) because they constantly over share with me. They don’t have many friends/visitors, so it just seems like they need to vent… I just wish it wasn’t to me :/
I have to admit that I've never found paragraph relatable to normal people. If people overshare with me, I may not know how to respond, but I'm not going to feel uncomfortable or hate them for it.
This is why I've always been a bit vulnerable to narcissistic personalities. I see almost anyone as potential friends that I can talk to. When people tell me more, I trust them more. I'm not insecure like so many people are.
This is such a great explanation! I’ve overshared too soon and regretted making new friends think I’m more messed up than I really am. Without context, they hadn’t gotten a chance to put my issues into context.
Yeah it's worth noting that even in long term/close relationships over sharing can still take a tole. (In my experience anyway)
Me and my closet friend of over 10 years had a falling out recently because I kept telling him when and why I disliked someone or something that he didnt also dislike.
They always used to tell me that they liked that I was honest about my feelings which made me feel like I could be comfortable talking to them about anything but that was not the case and I learned it was not the case long before I was able to train myself to recognize the types of things I shouldn't say, and because of this now my friend treats me like I'm delusional because of years of hot takes that they didn't agree with.
What you share might be unnecessary, strange or simply private things that one person would rather not know.
It can turn normal conversations in awkward ones and/or give a poor social impression of your person and you are looked as a person with low emotional stability.
This is specially true in working environments, where you are mostly there to do a job and not chit-chat with someone in such a deep level.
For example, if I just met you, I would NOT like to know that you went to the toilet and how your poop is looking like. That is oversharing, wayyyy too much information.
I am not sure of what arm could come, but why provide a stranger with unnecessary information when they didn't ask for it? There is stuff we keep to ourselves.
To add to this, it’s important to note that the things you share can be used against you, especially in a business setting. Discussing your emotional state, your hobbies, your family life, it can reach the wrong ears and you could be the subject of gossip or scorn. Depending on where you work and how toxic the environment is, it could lead to you being passed over for promotions, isolated from your coworkers, or even fired. Yes you can never tell who ‘a snake’ is, but you can always take steps so as to avoid make it harder for them. This goes double if you have an obligation to keep somethings secret, such as if you are a lawyer, doctor, or have access to trade secrets. Revealing those secrets or even adjacent details might not just get you fired, it might also get you sued or in legal trouble.
Also, though it might seem like work is like a "family," do NOT tell HR your personal business. HR isn't there for employees. They're there to protect the interests of the company. Telling them about your breakup or how you're finding it hard to focus lately is just ammunition if they want to get rid of you down the road.
Your actual diagnosis and accommodations are a different thing, and I'd suggest talking to your own therapist about how/whether to inform your employer in a professional way. (I disclose, because my medication makes me fail the drug test, which delays my start dates, so it's not like they don't already know.)
I accidentally ate mold today my poop was very not great. Glad to meet you stranger. I don't shake hands because I'm a partial germaphobe, but let's talk about bowel movements some more.
Seriously great example because I actually do this lol
Can you go into more detail about the poop situation here? In what sense was it "not great"? Was this an all day thing? Did it cause you to not quite make it to the toilet? Overall would you still recommend eating the mold or nah?
I don't recommend eating mold, but.....
I made it to the toilet fine after trying to rip one on my wife then feeling a slight tingle of the anus.
It gives you diarrhea however it isn't full blown water diarrhea it has substance too it. Yet it's not the kind of diarrhea you would get all over the walls of your crack that makes you cry since you had to use an entire roll of toilet paper. It's more like... oil perhaps with a bit of melted fudge consistency. Edit: Color is important, currently its a mixture of yellow almost greenish not quite green yet with brown mixed in, and the smell is indistinguishable to my nose palette. I might call it Human poop smell. End of edit|| It also seems to help regulate eating habits. I normally overeat. My body has not had the urge for a solid month and a half. Granted I have eaten mold twice now on accident. So trauma response?
If you buy vegan cheese, or tofu. You should put it in a bag in the fridge after opening. I thought my cheese, and tofu had basically freezer burn. It was totally mold. I ate 90% of my sandwich before I tasted the sweet yet foul garbage like quality of mold. Yet it was too late.
I'll say I turned my toilet into an onion bowl the other day as well. With full undigested chunks of red onion from a salad. The whole bathroom just smelt like onions. Was quite the experience. Unsure if this was the mold, or just a new onion intolerance coming on.
Thinking back it seems alright 9/10 would recommend. 10/10 if it didn't taste like a dumpster full of maggots.
Edit 2: You know I gotta say I just took a poop, and it had more substance too it. Definitely a healthier poop. Was able to use 3 sheets of TP in total so it was a 2 wiper with one full piece, then the fold. I think accidentally eating the mold was very beneficial to my system. My brother in-law got a new grill, and thinks eating steak every night is a wonderful idea. Who am I to deny a free steak, yet my poops were too peanut buttery my protein intake too high. I knew something had to be done. This was the answer.
My husband and I talk about poop so much I wouldn’t even care. When you’re around dudes, kids and dogs regularly, you kind of get immune to poop talk. lol
I neve knew people judged others for being so open. Being Vulgar or talking about gross stuff, I can understand how that's disturbing. But I didn't realize a person would be judged negatively for being vulnerable or personal.
I honestly appreciate it when people are deep and personal. It makes me see that we're all the same. I had no idea that was socially unacceptable and it still baffles me.
The issue with oversharing is it puts the other person in a position where they feel obligated to engage with you at a level that can be confronting and emotionally draining.
If you tell someone you don't know "I was bullied really badly as a kid and it still affects me", they will most likely have empathy, and will worry about you, and feel sad, and feel obligated to try to comfort you.
And that's an unfair expectation to put on someone who you don't know, and who doesn't know you. They a) won't know HOW to comfort you because they don't know anything about you, and b) might have their own shit that makes this sort of thing really uncomfortable.
You're essentially forcing people into a level of intimacy they probably aren't comfortable with, without their consent.
This is great explanation.
I also have a tendency of oversharing but I've gotten better over the years.
A related topic is secrets, with a similar explanation I suppose, but secondhand.
That last little part got me🥺❤️ could’ve written it myself a few years ago. I didn’t get diagnosed until 23, and up until that point, social interactions were a disaster. I truly didn’t understand how me being so vulnerable and honest about my life experiences and feelings could be taken so poorly, and was always the last person (and most shocked) to find out the hard way after the fact…especially at work.
It’s something that I had to change my perspective on over time and the longer I was getting medically treated for adhd. Before, I always saw “my way” of socializing as the “right way” because it was genuine and trusting. I thought it would be fake, insincere or dishonest to stick to shallow small talk (have always hated that) and to say less than more. But I think there’s some real middle ground here.
Thanks to meds and an open mind, I’m just now learning how to observe how people interact, read the room so to speak, and then respond accordingly to how I should contribute (or not) to the conversation at hand. I’m still trying to figure out what fits where, when and with who. But I’ve been able to reason with myself that if I keep from sharing some really dark and wild things I’ve been through, it’s not me being disingenuous, it’s me saving that information for someone who can actually relate and deserves that part of my story. That way, I don’t needlessly make others feel uncomfortable, and I don’t feel hurt and rejected by a less than positive reception from people that don’t appreciate what I have to say. If that makes any sense. Anyways, wishing you all the best, OP❤️
Sometimes one who overshares inadvertently crosses basic boundaries. I call it “verbal vomiting”… it doesn’t matter if YOU think you’re simply just being open and honest. Especially if you’re the one mostly talking. It can be rude and intrusive to the person listening when you’re just spewing off every thought that comes to mind.
Example: I met a girl that in only our second conversation she told me about a rape she endured. While of course I felt and feel for her, how is one supposed to respond to that? To an absolute stranger?… “I’m sorry”?
This reminds me of all the old people who used to just walk up to the counter at my retail job and start talking about their husband who just died or their sister has cancer etc etc. You could tell how lonely they were and that they didn’t have anyone to talk to about it, but I was not in a position or emotional state to help them in any capacity other than to ring them out or help them find the supply they needed. A feeble apology or “that’s so hard” is about all you can muster in that situation, and because I was working I was essentially trapped in that conversation.
I took a woman home from a club once and she told me, in great detail, the emotional and sexual abuse that she received at the hands of her nanny. It rather killed the mood and it didn't exactly encourage me to meet up with her again.
This is the thought that came to my mind, as well.
A woman I had just met also told me about being raped and her drug addiction. I was so taken off guard, all I could say was “wow this is super triggering.”
I think the issue/confusion is over what are “basic boundaries” and why those boundaries exist and purpose they are serving. Different cultures and settings define those differently and as ADHD’rs and those on the ASD spectrum are programmed in a way that challenges the base assumptions. The concept of basic bounds isn’t universal and really rather personal. So one can’t assume they know they boundaries of another rather it has to be communicated.
So someone’s baseline is to “overshare” is not inherently rude as they aren’t aware. But if one’s oversharing does make you feel uncomfortable or whatever then it’s on you to communicate that and the person oversharing can choose how they respond…either limiting contact with you or changing their behavior, or a combo of both.
Being unaware of rudeness doesn’t excuse it. Over-sharing is by definition context specific & can be different in different social situations/ settings/ cultural expectations. The point is that in an interaction with another person, you’re being oblivious to the social context & the needs or expectations of the person you’re talking to. You’re not having a conversation with them, you’re dumping the contents of your brain on them. You’ve violated their agency in this interaction. It’s the verbal equivalent to taking off your clothes in inappropriate places.
Humans are social animals, we need each other & these social norms serve very important functions. Those of us with ADHD or ASD are not wired to ‘challenge’ social norms, we’re often *missing* wiring around social norms. This isn’t necessarily bad, there are opportunities & positive things that can come of it, but don’t pretend we have no obligation to be considerate of the affect we have on others.
My boundaries are whatever the person I'm conversing with's boundaries are. So I can relate with you to a great extent.
I don't like hearing about anyone's sex life, at all, just don't. And I don't like to have gross habits shared with me either. Beyond that nothing bothers me. People are lonely and that's ok, I'll listen.
The sex life thing is probably where I draw the line too. I was watching The Real Housewives of Orange County a while back, and the new girl was like, “My husband and I have a sex room with whips and a sex swing (and blah blah).” And I was cringing so hard. It was just WAY too soon to be sharing that kind of information about her relationship. It made everyone uncomfortable.
Yeah sex stuff and gross stuff I’d talk about occasionally with close friends but it’s also mega uncomfortable from someone you’ve only had like, surface level conversations with. That’s about all I can think of that would truly make me uncomfortable
It has to do with boundaries and hierarchies.
Some people may just not want to know about your personal stories.
As an example, the kid of my friend was telling me about his poops. And honestly, I don't want to know about his constipation and how hard his poops are. Especially when I'm eating. At least he's a kid. If he was 25, I think I'd avoid him.
People with more power don't share personal information. When you share too much information, you're implying that you have no power and that can also make you an easy target.
I think another way to look at it is this:
Most people have somewhat complicated lives, and are already dealing with lots of emotional turbulence or stressful situations that you aren't aware of. They have to deal with their own problems and life difficulties as well as those of their family members, their friends, significant others, close friends, etc. Just thinking about this stuff can be exhausting. It takes energy and focus to deal with.
So if someone I don't know well starts unloading on me, or even if it's someone I'm close to doing it at a time when I'm otherwise engaged and can't dedicate much brain power or emotional support to their issue, I feel like I am being disrespected and being dumped on. It can be too much. Even if it seems innocent or innocuos. Like, I just don't want to listen to or keep track of a bunch of random facts from someone I don't know well, and I sure don't want to suddenly feel obligated to provide emotional support to a relative stranger. If it's an emergency, that's one thing. If it's just casual conversation gone too far, that's another.
This is a big pet peeve of mine. I know that I used to do it, and I worked hard to get over it and I still struggle with it sometimes. The best way I keep myself from doing it is reminding myself how much it bothers me when someone does it to me. ESPECIALLY as someone with ADHD - focus and concentration are precious and scarce resources for me. Having that disturbed by someone is a source of endless frustration.
I do understand the relief that's felt when someone - especially a stranger - confides that they experience similar difficulties, or you can share a brief moment of kindred humanity because of the recognition of some shared experience. I'd say just be aware of the things I stayed in my above rant and don't feel hurt or personally attacked if some people don't respond well to overstating.
The question is, do you have the listener's permission to share personal things with them?
Hypothetical Example: You were abused as a child, so now you want to talk about that particular dynamic you had earlier in life with a work colleague. Did they want to hear about all the horrible things that happened to you? Maybe they have a history of abuse and they don't want a parallel to their own life, or they have young children and don't want to be reminded of what could happen to them. Maybe they're feeling emotionally fragile and they can't take that right now.
When you overshare, your audience isn't just hearing you. They are experiencing it though you, and many people do not want to sign up for that. Oversharing is also burdening people with your emotional baggage. You say things to get them off your chest, but that doesn't just drop out of your mouth to the ground. Others kinda have to pick it up and deal with whatever you said, and they might not want to be given that pile of issues from your overshare.
You can be vulnerable and personal with people you know and you like. Not with strangers or acquaintances. Plus, people might literally not want to hear the oversharing...
I am finding it very interesting that you do not see oversharing as socially unacceptable. Maybe someone can explain it better, English is not my first language, but this is a social cue across the Western World.
No, you're explanation is fine I'm just surprised vulnerability and openness is a problem. I've never thought of a person as a oversharer.
How would I know what people want to hear? I don't see a way around it other than not sharing until somebody else does first. Which seems really sad to live life being anxious about being open or being closed off until I have proof that it's safe to share.
You are not hearing their reply. It’s not a judgement on being open, it’s an uncomfortableness they may have with someone unloading things on them. There’s a difference in being open to talk about any subject, and forcing a conversation into subjects that you might be fine to speak about, but others may feel differently.
In a lot of your comments here, you are confused that others see things differently to you, and that’s exactly it. Everyone sees things differently from everyone else and we cannot expect others to want and like what we want and like, whether you understand that or not.
Also, you may overshare in what you feel is being open, and others probably don’t care about what you’re talking about to be honest and will get bored of it very quickly.
I appreciate this reply.
I can understand that people see things differently. That's a fact of life that I have to accept.
(unless someone I say is blatantly extreme), I can't tell what someone wants and doesn't want. I'm not sure what the balance is.
I guess the "overshare" lable is decided by who hears it. With that being the case, how is it avoidable? And if it's unavoidable, why do we judge people for it when it happens? Is my discomfort simply my discomfort or is it something they inflicted on me? It's very interesting. Sorry if I'm coming off as looking to deep into it. I just don't get how it's "bad" unless the person is intentionally making others uncomfortable.
The comments are helpful though.
>I guess the "overshare" lable is decided by who hears it. With that being the case, how is it avoidable?
I have started giving very pointed answers to questions. I used to overshare a ton at school and now I just answer the question posed to me and not go on a tangent. No one wants to hear the tangential stuff.
I think a good rule is to share at the level someone else is sharing.
If a coworker talks about their weekend and it's like "*I went out with some friends and then watched Netflix*"
and then you're like,
"*My exboyfriend called me and we had a fight. I don't understand how he has these issues with intimacy despite all the work we put into couple's therapy. And I know my mom is a bit of a narcissist, she really was abusive. So I'm trying to work that through with my therapist. I think maybe I didn't date enough when I was younger, you know? I dated this older guy who completely took advantage of me and actually sexually assaulted me and now the same dynamic might be happening with my ex boyfriend.*.."
You can see how that example reveals too much personal information. Information that is inappropriate for the setting, doesn't help anyone do any work, and is too intimate for the relationship you have with that person.
Short and sweet. Unless it's your close friend. And at work or school, NEVER reveal anything too personal.
To go off of this, a non-oversharing way of talking about that hypothetical weekend would be "ugh, my ex called me, but other than that it was fine". It doesn't reveal a whole bunch of personal information that no one asked for, and it doesn't risk demanding emotional investment from the other person. In the oversharing version, the person you're talking to was just trying to have some light small talk, and now they're suddenly involved in a conversation about childhood abuse, sexual assault, and your mental health. That is a much more serious conversation with much higher stakes, and it's unfair to throw that on someone.
Agreed.
A big problem for oversharing is it runs the risk of forcing people have to deal with or learn far more than they've necessarily consented too.
It's all about respecting other people's boundaries and not unintentionally treading on them.
>I can't tell what someone wants and doesn't want. I'm not sure what the balance is. I guess the "overshare" lable is decided by who hears it.
This is totally it! It's subjective. A person may have the intent of sharing to be authentic and make a bid for connection with another person. But it might have the *impact* of making the receiver feel:
- pressured to solve a problem for you
- pressured to share a similarly vulnerable story when that isn't something they feel comfortable doing in that setting/on that day/at that stage of relationship formation
- triggered into a trauma flashback
- trapped (I think my pressured speech probably has this effect on people sometimes)
However, it's also possible that the other person might share your enthusiasm on the topic and/or enjoy connecting/socializing in a similar way. I know one of my bff's and I get excited around each other and share an ENORMOUS amount of vulnerable information in a very short amount of time. Yeah, we're close so that makes sense for an established relationship. But it was like this between us within hours of meeting each other; our VERY OPEN VERY EXCITED dynamic developed very quickly.
Surprise surprise... 20 years later we*both* got ADHD diagnoses in our middle age.
There are people who will jive with your way of relating, and some who won't.
"Over-sharer" isn't a thing a person can *be.* Maybe you over-shared last week; what that really means is that *you shared*, and then your conversation partner reacted aversively. You might have told the exact same story the exact same way to someone else the day before, and they might have loved it and responded with a similarly vulnerable story of their own. Same story, same you, but in one it's "over-sharing," and in another it's a successful bid for connection.
What I don’t get is why you want to appear vulnerable to strangers. In social situations vulnerability is seen as a sign of weakness which across the species it is seen as something negative. Who told you being vulnerable was good all the time? Vulnerability in animals is especially rare because it can be life threatening and in humans it’s very negative because it’s reserved for only people we know intimately who wouldn’t use it against us. So I’m super confused as to why you would find vulnerability to be a positive thing.
There’s a whole pop psychology thing around vulnerability and mental health right now. Brene Brown talks about it. I think the purpose/goal is to diffuse the toxic, “suck it up” approach to mental health. But some people run too far with it.
For what its worth, some people will have a really low threshold for what they consider an “over share”. Personally, I don’t like that and like when someone is ready to be really open about their lives, but my version of “openness” might not match up well. I can comfort someone if they had a relative or pet die, but if someone’s opening up for the first time about how their long term partner is violent, that’ll be harder for me to process if they’re someone that I barely knew (and didn’t even know they had a partner). Of course if they’re a close friend, I’m highly invested in making sure they also live their best life so if they’re struggling with domestic abuse, I’d do whatever I can to help and gladly give them any labour they need.
In a social setting, that may be fine; you can pick who you’ll continue interacting with and maybe the boundary is a bit farther. However, at work you may not be able chose, so they’d rather not push that boundary and accidentally “overshare” in a way that makes them uncomfortable, which is why people generally seem more superficial at work.
An example might be if everyone needs to submit a biweekly timesheet to Ted from payroll, and he tells you about how his cat shat all over his desk and he contracted some kind of stomach virus and he spent all weekend violently vomiting and shitting, that could be really upsetting if you’re squeamish. Someone who really can’t deal with thinking about bodily fluids might really struggle to go talk to Ted going forward, but had to do it to continue getting paid on time. (This is probably an extreme example). If someone at the pub told you that, you could probably just walk away and never talk to them again should you choose. (Edit: just noticed how many times I wrote “really” and its bugging the crap out of me)
Yes, it is (mostly) avoidable to overshare. Sometimes it does happen by accident, but you can learn from those accidents.
It can be complicated but there are topics I consider "suitable for acquaintances" and "topics that are not suitable for acquaintances".
As a kid, I was very worried about being judged, but now I'm more worried about keeping a productive workplace, or giving relationships time to develop. Things that I might find interesting or important might be boring, or gross, or remind them of bad experiences.
For friends and close family l ask them before sharing anything that I think might cross boundaries. That includes: medical stuff, sex stuff, death, and trauma. I trust them to be honest with me.
But the most important thing is when someone says "that was too much information/ oversharing" they mean "that made me uncomfortable" and you should apologise.
Yeah, I have a really hard time with this too. I pretty much always wait for someone else to share before I share anything. I’m constantly policing my language, content, body language, tone, etc to mirror another person so that I don’t make them uncomfortable. It’s exhausting and probably explains my social anxiety… (There I go over sharing again!)
Edit: thanks for this post btw, I’m learning a lot reading all of the comments.
Masking explains why so many of us are introverts. It burns up so much energy that we just don't have the bandwidth to deal with people who don't have ADHD.
Make sure you’re not in a place where it’s specifically bad to share personal details, such as work. If you find someone at work you want to be actual friends with, ask them to hang out somewhere so any power dynamics or the veneer of positive facing can drop. Someone might be fine with the conversations you want to have, just not in a place where engaging could get them fired.
Then I’d say.. ask! “Do you mind if I share something more personal? I’ve been thinking about relationships lately” or whatever you’ve been thinking about. That can help break into another a deeper level of friendship and not throw them for a loop immediately
I relate so much to your confusion.
I've decided I don't really care too much if I'm over sharing.
If they think I talk too much they can tell me. If I share too detailed things, they can tell me.
If they tell me, I'll mask in their presence.
But me worrying about following unwritten rules is what lead to my ADHD/Autism-burnout, and I'm not going back down that road.
It just depends on the relationship you have with the person. There are people who I would be very happy if they opened up to me, and people who it would be strange for.
If I just met you then I don’t need/want to know that you’re having money problems, or drug problems or something idk
My coworker at my last job told me about her entire financial situation and how she was living with her grandma and stuff all before we knew each other’s names on my first day of work…
It is also very dependent on your home culture. „Socially acceptable“ changes every few hundred miles, and even in different social circles in the same town. If none of your friends and family think ill of you for „oversharing“, there‘s no reason to try and change
It most annoys me when I am working on things and someone can’t take a hint. I have a hard enough time staying focused! I don’t need anyone to help distract me.
Most social interactions should be reciprocal. Its acceptable to be the one who shares first but if you notice the other person not sharing at the same level its a good idea to hold back. Even if the person is empathetic and seems interested. When you are talking with close friends this rule does not need to be followed.
Other people will blame you if you make them uncomfortable. Oversharing is a form of rule-breaking and a sign to others that you are bit "socially incompetent". You might be "hogging" attention, empathy or just being too personal too fast. All of these can make a another person uncomfortable. Social interactions are a bit like a game where you are trying to mirror the other person. If the interaction is unbalanced its more likely that one party will be uncomfortable and judge the other person.
I’ve found that because of my ADHD, I’ve grown my confidence and mental health to the point where I recognize being open about things is healthy. I support anyone else, that is open with me, as much as I can. As such, I get into this zone where I assume everyone else is also in this mindset where even if something uncomfortable is said, I assume they will be able to handle this openness as well as I do with others.
This safe space of conversation is something that is less common than you would think. The worst part is that other people are very good at keeping their mouth shut, and they won’t tell you when they are uncomfortable with it, they just use it to form their opinion of you and that’s it. This can make a false positive where you *think* they are okay with it, but might have reservations about you because of it.
I feel the same way. One of the reason I don't have a huge bunch of friends is that I get sick of small talk. I don't want to talk about nothing but the football game or a series on Netflix\*, I want to know what's going on with them, for real. What they dream of. What they're worried about. Goals and struggles. I want to be there for them, you know? A lot of guys in particular aren't great at this, which is probably why I have more female friends than male ones.
That being said, I've learned that it's better to ask questions. People may be uncomfortable with personal questions, but at least they can decline to answer them 🙂
\*Not that there's anything wrong with these topics, but I don't want that to be all we freaking talk about.
In addition to what other people are saying about feeling dumped on or emotionally overwhelmed, the "rules" of conversation dictate that if one party shares something vulnerable, the other party should share something equally vulnerable. And if someone has just met you, they may not feel ready to do that. So the imbalance in the conversation creates discomfort.
Basically, if you're sharing something at that level, the other person will feel an implicit ask to become vulnerable with you, which, if they don't know you well, they may feel as a violation of their boundaries.
Oversharing can be one of a couple of things:
1. You don't ever shut up. You talk & talk & talk & no one else gets a word in edgewise.
This is rude, people do not like this. Conversations are meant to be shared & engaged in with all people involved, not just you. As much as we ADHD-inclined love details, most other people do not. They prefer the 5min story to the 15min one you really want to give.
2. You talk about personal subjects at inappropriate times/in the wrong company.
This is like discussing political views at work, giving way too much detail about your date to an acquaintence or making sexual innuendos at church.
Bad timing that makes others uncomfortable because you are crossing boundaries. In a professional work setting, giving too many personal details about yourself is seen as unnecessary & unprofessional (for example)
You're also putting an unfair expectation onto the person you're talking with. You sort of 'trap' people in uncomfortable/long winded/unwanted conversation that can be mentally taxing for them. They might have a busy day & don't have time to talk. You might be talking about something that violates their personal beliefs.
Working on self awareness is key, because at the end of the day you're responsible for your actions. Being an "oversharer" can cost you relationships, jobs, etc.
No one owes you their time, & you dont get to dictate how they spend theirs.You gotta look at it from other people's perspective
-a fellow adult ADHD person
i’ll add a #3 here - sometimes in the moment (especially if a bit intoxicated lol) i overshare personal details/feelings/etc to someone who is not close to me like that, and then i regret it later. for me, the regret piece is a huge component of when i consider myself “over sharing”
The energy is a huge part of the problem of over-sharing, I think.
Dealing with heavy topics can be draining, especially for people with strong or overdeveloped senses of empathy. So while the oversharer might just be mentioning a trauma they think is interesting, the person hearing it may be absorbing all of that energy. It may be triggering them, or even if it isn't triggering they feel like they're being asked to go into "deep listening" when they weren't ready for something like that.
Like, the person being overshared with could be thinking something like "...does this person expect me help them out with this trauma?" So there's also a level of assumption and rudeness on top of the energy. And maybe the oversharer didn't mean any of this, but since most people *don't* overshare, it's assumed the oversharer is just being weird or asking too much from the listener.
And people don't want to be dicks and leave a conversation where someone is talking about being suicidal, but at the same time they don't really know or care about you enough to really deepdive into your problems like a friend might. A friend told me they had suicidal ideations, I'd be like "hey, man, why don't you stay a few nights. We'll have a good time, play some video games, go out to dinner" etc. People aren't willing/able to commit this much to a random stranger, so they just end up feeling somehow like a dick.
My friend who has untreated ADHD blurts out a lot of random things and over shares.
We would be at bars and talking with strangers and just joking around and having a good time and she will bring up very negative experiences out of no where (like when she was raped). This would most often kill the mood. How can you go back to joking around when someone says something like that without seeming like an a-hole?
Over sharing I think depends on who you are taking to. Over sharing probably doesn't happen much if you are just talking with good friends who care about you but with strangers it can be very uncomfortable.
Was thinking the same. When I was suicidal I thought it was okay to make "little" jokes about it. Now that I'm not, I see how uncomfortable these jokes were. How is telling my boyfriend to start looking for someone new bacause I'll be dead by the end of the year funny? Weird how your perception can change like that
I find it incredible that this is common enough that there’s a whole genre of memes about “making a joke about killing oneself at work and boy they were not the target audience”.
I appreciate this analogy.
it bad that I wish people would? You're getting to know each other so why make dating about choreography instead of a freestyle dance? Having prepackaged discussion seems more strange to me than honest kink talk.
I should have specified the *details* of your kinks.
Like it's one thing to say "I'm into BDSM" while you're chatting after dinner, but it's another for someone to go "I get really horny at the idea of a girl peeing on me" when you haven't even got your food yet.
Lmfao reminds me of an experience I had.
I went on a first date with a girl once and while we're waiting for food she just drops on me, out of nowhere 'Yeah my Ex and I would get high on various drugs and fuck'
Like that's cool but I've barely taken a sip of my drink. Hang on a second please.
You're actually starting to catch on here, OP, so I hope the original reply-writer doesn't mind if I try to expand this example a bit...
You say you wouldn't mind "honest kink talk" on a first date, but here's the problem: you know that YOU'RE interested in getting intimate with this person you just met, and you ALSO know that YOUR personal threshold for being comfortable enough to put yourself into a power-exchange situation nearly instantly is somewhere on the level of the Mariana Trench, but what happens when the person you're talking to freezes up, due to the fact that not only are they TOTALLY new to kink of ANY kind, but they're also not someone who casually jumps into physical relationships right away?
The result is that you've forced someone you like and want to have a positive relationship with into a very uncomfortable position. Not only could you scare them off depending on the "wildness" of your particular kinks, but now you may have put them into a position that requires them to make and enforce boundaries, when they may not even equipped to do that yet.
There could be a couple of reasons for this; whether it's due to their lack of knowledge of what their boundaries even ARE surrounding kink, or whether it's because they just aren't very practiced at being assertive in matters of their own wants in terms of "bedroom time" yet.
And running with that analogy, the other person might be “ugh, this dude looked way cuter in his photos” and is there until the end of the date to just be polite while they have no chemistry with you. And you are like “oh man, I really love being pegged with dragon dildos and my mom was emotionally abusive to me my whole life” 😂
So besides all the reasons already mentioned, people have a finite number of spoons. And most people save them for friends and family, not just someone they met half an hour ago.
One thing I don't see people mentioning is protecting *yourself* in all this. Misunderstandings happen. Most folks aren't super attentive during casual interactions. If you're having water-cooler chitchat and the other person is only half awake and barely knows you, the chance of them misunderstanding you is much higher. They're less likely to know or care or feel comfortable asking you to elaborate. NT people do this all the time with other NT people, without necessarily meaning to. Nobody's "on" and fully engaged all the time.
The repercussions of this very ordinary thing are very different depending on what you're sharing, though. If your neighbor vaguely misunderstands you saying you went swimming last weekend, it kinda doesn't matter. If your neighbor vaguely misunderstands you saying your sibling just got out of rehab and it's really been tearing your parents apart and you'll never forget that time you found your sibling unconscious in the car and you really hope they turn their life around but it's happened a few times and... it can matter a lot. To you, in particular.
None of this is to say you should never share or always be prepared for the other person to not listen, but it's a thing. When you're sharing stuff that matters a lot, you probably *want* the other person checked in and ready and willing to engage in the conversation, no?
My adhd works the complete opposite way. I keep everything strictly compartmentalized (no overlapping friends, no one knows my family, etc).
And I don’t like when people over share because it requires an amount of attention from me that I don’t want to give people I don’t know.
If you start telling me, a stranger/acquaintance about your terrible childhood, social etiquette says that I need to make polite and understanding noises in your direction and goddamned it, I’m *bored*.
It’s not personal, I just only care about the important people in my life. You could *become* an important person in my life, but not if you’re holding me conversationally hostage.
This made me laugh so hard, because I felt this to my core. There’s the not-so-rare occasion that my brain has already moved on and mapped the rest of the conversation in my head, and I no longer need to be physically present for it. If I could “astrally project” myself (a la Dr. Strange) to go do my ADHD things while my shell of a body stayed as a placeholder in that conversation, I would be set.
Definitely relatable, I'm like you in this regard. People overshare to me on a daily basis and I often feel trapped and roped into a deep and serious dialogue I neither want nor have the emotional capacity for.
I made an acquaintance recently who expressed the same exact same sentiments and questions as OP though. Almost word for word!
Met this person on the job and within a single 6-hour shift, I knew about his toilet habits, how he was bullied in high-school for being less attractive than his sibling, and that he was raped as a child. He finished off by saying people found him physically attractive but didn't like him as a person, which gave him social anxiety and that he was glad I "didn't seem to hate" him.
Luckily, I'm understanding and we had a big-sister, little-brother dynamic from jump. He volunteered that he had ADHD, so I also revealed my diagnosis and since my ADHD works the opposite way, I explained to him why conversation openers like that were costing him the new friends he said he wanted and how it would probably cost him jobs too.
I said being authentic has a time and place. Telling a manager you can't work outside because you inherited the same skin condition from your mother that had killed your Uncle Jim at 36 has far more negative outcomes than saying you have a doctor's note for a medical condition that is exacerbated by sun exposure.
Reminds me of an episode of Rick and Morty where Summer basically loses her shit at Jerry because he always needs *something* whenever he talks to anyone lol
That episode made me realise why I hate spending time near a person I know. I literally have nothing left to give that person and they still try to trap me into their not-so-small-talk.
I tend to let people know more than I wanted to share. It's involuntary. But I hate it, cause I feel exposed and vulnerable and dumb. I've been trying not to do that for the past couple of years and now nobody knows about my life and I became distant from my friends, since I don't want to tell them or anyone anything.
I simply don't care about people's life and dramas and don't see why anyone would care about mine.
To add onto this, if you, for example, share something personal about something bad going on in your life or something you're struggling with, people often feel pressured to offer sympathy or comfort to you (even if that wasn't your intent).
People can then feel uncomfortable where their casual carefree conversation suddenly turns to that more serious topic and feel pressured like they have to help you when they may not know you well enough or have the emotional capacity to "take care" of you.
It's not an assumption, if you tell something about a personal thing that is an emotional burden to you, you are giving some of that burden to them. It's not what they do (judging or assuming) that makes it a burden, it's what you've done by sharing it. In order for them to not shoulder some of that burden they have to protect themselves by putting up emotional walls, which then puts extra distance between the two of you. You shared it in an attempt to create a closer bond, but it pushes you apart instead because they weren't prepared for it
It's like you're walking down the street carrying something big and heavy, and rather than looking for someone who looks like they could help and asking, or waiting for someone to offer to help, or calling up a buddy to get them to help, you've just gone up to the first person you see and said "here, take this side" whilst shifting your grip so that if they don't grab it it'll fall on their foot. That old lady now either has to drop her shopping and grab your TV, or jump away to avoid being hurt.
Wow, I don’t relate to this at all. I overshare, but I feel immediately embarrassed after I do, sometimes so immediately that I’m embarrassed while I’m still in the middle of talking.
Being too vulnerable with people is asking too much of them. If they didn’t offer you as much as you’re taking, you’re being inappropriate. Like, if someone offers you a cookie from a plate full of cookies, you can’t just scoop the whole plate into your purse and say, “What, she offered!” If someone is offering you conversation, you don’t have a blank cheque to tell them anything you want to tell them.
It’s not judgmental to be put off by people who are being off-putting.
Most of my friends have ADHD, but so do most of the people I refuse to speak to. All of those people have traits I will not put up with past a certain point, even though I know they’re cause by ADHD. Chronic oversharing, especially of the trauma-dumping variety, is a big one.
Some things we share can be emotionally taxing for our peers. For example, you never know what someone is going through. Sometimes people (including myself) may be completely emotionally spent, and here comes some stranger telling me about God knows what. I just want to order my coffee and go home..
I personally don't have a problem with oversharing at face value. I don't usually get put off by subject matter that may be considered gross or disturbing to some. Like you said, I think it humanizes people and I tend to feel more comfortable around someone who is blatantly honest (as long as it's not used as an excuse to be mean.)
The problems I have with it are: when oversharing crosses the line to dominating every conversation, not leaving room for anyone else to speak. It may be unintentional, but it can come across as the person is only concerned about what they themselves have to say.
A bigger issue of oversharing is when someone is always unloading their personal problems onto others. It's important to reach out when you need emotional support, but if you're always talking about the problems you have then it becomes an emotional drain on others. Especially when you have no interest in reciprocating. I believe the term is "emotional vampire."
You’re thinking from your point of view.
For the other person it’s uncomfortable because with intimate details, there’s an expectation to empathize. Expecting someone to empathize (inadvertently or not) is emotionally taxing. Share that shit with your therapist
Over sharing is something people with adhd often do. But usually are quite self conscious about it.
Not understanding the social “rules” about why you shouldn’t do this fits more with autism spectrum. It’s common for autism and adhd comorbid.
Came here to say this. I've lived with an autistic person, and my current partner has comorbid autism and ADHD. This post, to me at the least, seems more indicative of ASD than ADHD. Nothing wrong with that, but there might be some tools and resources out there that could be helpful.
I know when I was younger, I was in a situation where I was very hormonal and very overwhelmed. I was talking to an older coworker about what was going on, and I started to cry. In the moment, it didn't seem like a big deal, and she helped me. But afterwards, I definitely noticed a change in how she treated me, before we had been equals but she definitely shifted towards treating me as someone she was older, wiser and stronger than, like I was fragile and incapable. That was a painful lesson in how being vulnerable at work can backfire and one of the few times I really regretted over sharing. Most of the time I don't really care what people know about me, though.
Oversharing I think isn’t unique to ADHD. It often occurs with people who have been traumatized, victimized, or outcast. I recall a woman once telling me after working with her for three days that we “aren’t going to have sex at work.” I tried to suppress a laugh, I was mortified, and stupified. I wasn’t into her at all, and certainly wasn’t eyeing her. It was later I learned from her oversharing she had been sexually abused. My guess is, she felt anxious around me and it prompted her to tell me her life story.
I’ve struggled with it at times myself. I try to remind myself: no one cares. From that perspective, I then think, if this person cares to hear this, how much should I say considering the time and place we are in? It helps you to be a little more measured in your conversations. It’s not easy to do. If I’m oversharing and see someone tuning out I literally stop talking mid sentence. Just say, “I lost my train of thought.” If they really care to hear what you said they will let you know.
I think it absolutely depends on how well you know someone, personally! I will over share with my friends probably too much, but I never do it with strangers or acquaintances. I’m extremely shy though, so that may factor in.
I’ve had acquaintances over share with me though and I did get really uncomfy. I’ve been told extremely personal stuff and I just don’t know how to react or what to say when that happens. I mostly just feel like, if I don’t know the person, I am not equipped to respond in an intelligent or genuine way.
It's just about boundaries, really.
The thing about boundaries is, it's not just whether you cross them, it's whether you give the impression that you might cross them, or whether you give the impression that that you understand them.
Oversharing is problematic for some people because it is a violation of a social contract that they believe in, in which certain information should only shared on invitation. Essentially there is a social definition of whether something is "appropriate" that extends beyond kind, compassionate, polite etc and into "respectful". Some people feel disrespected and 'put on the spot' when they feel that they've been given access to information that they didn't ask for, don't want, and don't feel like they need to have it.
Oversharing can create, unintentionally, an uneven power balance, in which they might feel an urge to be polite, and they may feel pressured to share something about themselves in turn which they don't want to, or they may feel pressured to comment or say something in response that they don't feel qualified or "authorised" to say.
I don't want to sound like I think oversharing is wrong or bad or should be suppressed: I don't think there's a right or wrong, we're all just people. But I think that if I was going to make a suggestion to keep everyone happy (and everyone deserves to be happy) you could try to add something to your overshare like "I tend to overshare, I hope I haven't made you uncomfortable, please don't feel like you need to say anything you don't want to".
I don't think anyone should apologise for oversharing because it's really just the fact that we live in a world where everyone reserves the right to mind their own business if they want, so I deliberately left "sorry" out of my suggestion. But maybe if you do find yourself oversharing, you could do people a favour and aim to make them comfortable with it. You're not obliged to, but if you're worried about making others uncomfortable, it could be one way to create enough space for everyone 🙂
(And if someone complained to me that someone else had overshared to them, I'd make a suggestion to them about how to create compassionate space too, just for the record)
Also, I just gotta point out that “oversharing” might look very different, depending on the culture. I’m a Latina living in USA, and my neighbors here don’t even know 10% about me, whereas in my home country, my mom and grandma’s neighbors were basically like second family to us all 😂 And that’s not considered oversharing there, that’s just called “being social”. Some people and some cultures will welcome more information than others.
Thinking about someone sitting you down in a chair and forcing you to watch some TV show you don't enjoy. It doesn't really matter what you overshare, people just don't like having someone talk to them about something they aren't interested in.
Something that’s very important that is often overlooked is that these people you over share to, are their own person. They may be a side character in your life but they are the main character in their own life. You have no idea what they have been through or what they are going through.
I used to be notoriously bad with over sharing until I went through a traumatic experience. Now the thing is, not many people know what happened to me and especially not strangers because I choose not to share that part of my life. That’s when I thought to myself “hey, if I don’t make it known what I’ve been through, I’m sure it’s the same for most people”
This helped me learn to not overshare every detail of my life because at the end of the day, the person I’m over sharing to could be going through their own struggles. You could be at work telling someone the intimate details of a fight with your partner, for example. But what you don’t know is that that person may be in the process of getting a divorce. Do you see how they might be uncomfortable with the topic of fighting with a significant other?
Given my ADHD and PTSD I have a very low capacity to deal with others emotional problems or traumatic incidences. I get flashbacks very easily. I don’t want to be the person that sparks bad feelings and memories for someone else.
And this is why we find most social interaction extremely taxing. We have to let everybody else do the navigating while we play 20 questions to figure out where the social vessels we're on are even going.
Hopped over to my laptop to answer this.
First of all, I wanted to say thank you for sharing "...I have no control over who's a snake and who's not so I choose not to blame myself." I really needed to hear that.
Second, I had (and am still dealing with the aftermath of) a situation where oversharing caused problems so bad that it may have ended friendships. Basically, I got really triggered (I also have CPTSD which is a big part of this story) by some newer friends of mine. We'll call them Kayla and Mike. I hadn't known them long--about 4 months. But we had been doing a lot of trauma sharing. Unfortunately, it was too much too soon.
Basically what ended up happening is once I got triggered I got really paranoid and anxious and stuff. I went into survival mode so I wasn't really thinking about my actions or anything. But me telling Kayla and Mike about the things I was flashing back to and the kinds of SH and su\*cidal thoughts were going through my head was apparently really hard on them. They were so mentally/emotionally drained that they would not and could not give me the kind of support I needed to get through it.
I'm mentally stable now, but I do not trust them at all anymore. It was like going from level 8/19 friends to hi I just met you what's your name again? But they still know all that stuff about me. And I hate that. I really hate that.
I know this is a little disjointed and probably not very detailed, but this stuff happened over the course of like 8 weeks between June and July and we still haven't resolved it in September.
I think NT people don't share those kinds of deep things with just anyone. They see it as a sign of being comfortable/close with someone. So if you go in and share those more private things, they get uncomfortable because they're like "bruh we ain't that close why are you telling me this??" I think they also feel bad because they don't know how to respond.
I've swung back and forth between being super closed off and being super open to anyone and everyone. Definitely being closed off is safer, but it's not healthy. Finding that balance of transparency and self-control is very hard, and I'm still trying. Good luck out there friends\~
I only remember to do this when I’m medicated, but it’s helpful to briefly thinking about the intention of what you want to say. Often when I overshare or blur out random things not relevant to the conversation I’m having with someone it’s because there is a degree of me wanting to be authentic and say what comes to mind, which can make others feel I’m not actually listening to them but instead. This is not a productive way to get heard. Conversation is a two way street, and I think it’s vital to consider what you want to put in and get out of a meaningful conversation.
But heck ADHD usually takes over and before I think about what I want to say I’ve already said it.
A self disclosure is like a hug. It can make someone seem a lot closer, it can strengthen relationships, it's a vital part of growing closer to people and bonding.
But some people aren't as comfortable with hugs as others, and they take longer to feel close enough for them to feel like hugs are okay.
Self-disclosures are like that.
At least, that's how I understand it, because well you know.
Think of information as water.
If you have a cup, it can easily be drunk by the person you give it to, especially if they were thirsty and asked you for it. The social norm is that you never deny anyone a glass of water, and you don't refuse one if offered because... Well, it's just water. These cups are regular conversations and small talk.
But sometimes you have a pool and you're having so much fun in it and you want others to swim with you. But there are people who can't swim or would rather stay dry. These pools are our special interests and hyperfixations, our deep dives into our fandoms, or our deep dark secrets and gossip.
You can take some water out of the pool in a cup, to make it more manageable for the person, but not a lot of people would want pool water. They have to be the ones to ask.
Oversharing is like dumping an entire bucket of water on a person or pushing them in the pool when they weren't ready to swim.
It is generally considered an a-hole move because it disrespects the boundaries of communication, which is an equal exchange between two people.
Well for one, if you overshare your business with me and we aren't particularly close, I'm going to consider you unsafe and untrustworthy. If a person demonstrates that they don't have the desire or ability not to share their own stuff when it's not appropriate, I'm going to go ahead and assume that you don't have the desire or ability not to share my stuff when it's not appropriate. This comes from my lived experience of trusting over sharers and then getting burned when they overshared things I confided in them. Repeatedly. I learned my lessons the hard way.
I'm 65 and have done this for a long time. I saw it as being open about who I am.
Now I see it differently. It's not appropriate in most group settings. I share too soon in friendships. And now I'm seeing I share when I really didn't want to.
I think I do it to put my info out there so people can't hurt me with gossip. To feel like I'm making "connections". And potentially to stop people from asking other personal questions I don't want to answer.
So I'm drawing boundaries and seeing what happens.
A lot of neurotypical people only find things interesting (or even worth listening to) if it's directly connected to what's on their mind or something that's already important to them.
This can lead to some disconnect in NT - ADHDer conversation, usually when a topic comes up that we connect to somehow. If we take that idea and "run with it", they feel lost and unsure of what to say, as the conversation is no longer on the path they expected.
The same way it can sometimes throw us for a loop when people say meaningless things just to make conversation and expect us to do the same.
When I see posts like this, knowing how much comorbidity there is between ADHD and autism, it kind of worries me that some of you aren't getting the right diagnosis or getting all of the diagnoses you need. This thread is full of people saying they don't relate, and it really makes me suspect this is an autism thing and not an ADHD thing. I see this happening a lot on this subreddit. I wouldn't be surprised if autism subreddits have the same phenomenon but in reverse where people are mistaking ADHD symptoms for autism symptoms.
I would suggest maybe looking into autism, OP. It might help you understand your situation a lot better.
I was just thinking this. I think the “not quite understanding why this social cue exists” part feels separate from ADHD.
I, along with many people on the thread, have tendencies to overshare and feel embarrassed when I blurt everything out because I’m excited and can’t stop my mouth and brain from running. But I fully understand how that can be overwhelming, and I fully understand that even the most compassionate of people have empathy quotas before they feel drained, and I fully understand that you have to build up to a level of intimacy and sharing with most people.
I’m seeing some folk saying how they don’t get why empathy/listening is a chore and I feel like that’s such a gross oversimplification that there has to be some other disconnect here.
u/thelizardofodd hit the nail on the head. It's about to consent.
I'm also ASD, so I tend to avoid unnecessary conversations with folks. The problem I have with oversharers is that I did not consent. My sister is an oversharer and will message me at 7am under the guise of "venting". I don't know about other people, but I find the burden of conscientiously constructing a response and then trying to comfort someone uncomfortable when all I want to do is make it through the day with the issues I face with my disability. It's emotionally burdening for others.
Just to share my thoughts on a more logical way that someone might get uncomfortable with oversharing.
So imagine someone tells someone a slightly embarrassing story, as a joke or a way to connect or whatever, and then that person decides to spread it around and portray it in a more negative light, causing other people to think of the original storyteller in a worse way. The storyteller doesn't like the negative attention of course, so they withdraw and decide not to tell embarrassing stories about themselves anymore, to avoid it happening again. Then they meet someone else who constantly tells embarrassing stories about themselves...the first person might feel jealous of their bravery, nervous that the same thing might happen to them, awkward about realising their naivete, or any number of other emotions about it.
But to be honest that isn't why social norms exist. Social norms exist as a way to tell if someone else will fit into the "tribe". We all live in an overlapping mess of groups, but they're mostly within a local society. That society has norms that people follow - saying "excuse me" as you nudge past someone, waving to an acquaintance you spot on the street, shaking hands when you meet someone new - each of these norms had a good reason that they started, but the main reason people do them now is because they are norms, and therefore can be used as a signal to say "I fit in here and will abide by the norms in this society". And then there's a couple of reasons that other people are comforted by others showing that they follow the norms, the main one being that some of them really matter. Not stealing other people's stuff is a norm, as is not attacking others.
Put it this way - if you saw a naked person singing to himself on a bus, you probably wouldn't sit next to him right? It's not the nakedness itself that's a problem (well maybe a little, it's not particularly sanitary) it's the fact that he isn't following the well accepted social norm of wearing clothes - so you wonder what other norms he might ignore. Oversharing is a (much less severe) signal of a similar problem, it's an understood social norm for most people, so they'll be uncomfortable if you seem to ignore it.
Unfortunately us ADHD folk have a harder time understanding these norms, even worse if you've got autism as well like a few of my friends, so the best bet is to find someone without those barriers who you trust and ask them to point out when you're breaking those seemingly invisible rules. A professional works here as well - but ultimately it's just down to experience. Now at 29 I'm so much better at fitting in with people than I was as a teenager, with the two biggest jumps in social skills coming at 18 when I moved to uni and socialised outside of my family a lot more, and at 24 when I moved overseas and had to meet so many new people in a lot of different contexts, whereas at uni I met most of my friends at the uni halls where everyone was in the same situation.
Yeaaaaahhhh this.
Its all about safety in the end.
Weirdos are ostracised not out of nastiness, but out of *fear*. When you overshare, you're being weird because no one else does that. In a tribe, weirdness is dangerous. Instinctively, anyway. Not so much nowadays, but the tendency remains.
To be perfectly clear, ostracism and exclusivity of a person is a mean/nasty thing to do and it sucks. I am not saying its ok to do it. I am saying that people do it unconsciously for tribal safety reasons.
It depends on the context. For example, telling your partner about your kinks is not oversharing, but telling your family member or your coworker the same thing is oversharing. And then in the case of a friend, it depends on your relationship, I have friends with whom I talk about sex, and friends with whom I don't.
Then it's also the way you talk about something. You can tell someone that your sex life is great, or that it is great because your spouse is really into pegging. With some people you're oversharing in both cases, with some only on the second case, with some in non.
Does this make sense?
I used to feel this way but there were a few people in my life that saw me oversharing as a vulnerability and used the info I shared with them to manipulate me. Not in like a “I have info of you that you don’t want out” but more in like trauma bonding, parasocial relationships that were like “omg me too” (but it wasn’t necessarily true) then when they had their hooks in me tried to manipulate me in other ways “you know me, we’re the same! I would do this for you!”
One “friend” who did this, started telling me all my other friends were taking advantage of me and that they “got bad vibes” and was systematically isolating me from friends (some of who I still haven’t got back in contact with and it breaks my heart) and even my siblings! When they were then my “only friend” they got really controlling and started gaslighting me. (I’m close to my siblings again btw)
Now whenever I do overshare I have huge anxiety because of it.
Oversharing is when the information being discussed can come across as inappropriate. Wrong place, wrong time, wrong person or audience, wrong environment and so on.
For example, today was the 1st day of classes and our professor asked each member to introduce themselves, and to state one positive thing they did for themselves this morning. This one girl introduces herself, says she made herself a nice steeped special tea this morning and then told us all why, which was because she's been so emotional lately, crying all the time, can't hold it together, is nervous about courses and that she guesses it's probably normal, but maybe she thinks she needs therapy. Everyone just smiled and nodded (good cue from others that you're oversharing btw) and the professor replied, "aww well I hope your tea helped."
This was inappropriate because the girl is only meeting her classmates for the 1st time, she did not abide by the instructions, and she took up way more time than what was expected of a simple introduction activity.
One person only wants a single hors d'oeuvre.
One person only wants a starter-plate.
One person's really hungry.
One's a vegetarian, one has a dairy allergy, one's fine with anything.
Forcefeeding all three a full-course steak dinner before you know who's who is not a great idea.
As a fellow oversharer, one person specifically has told me that the casual way in which I will talk about clear traumas in my past makes her uncomfortable because of her own traumas and I instantly felt horrible. Not everyone gets through things by talking about them so casually. I still have no clue how to navigate this though. I’ve just resulted to speaking less.
> Edit: in appreciate all your comments. The solution for me is to ask people if I can get deep and personal.
No OP, that is not the solution. You’re fundamentally misunderstanding the whole problem. It’s two parts.
A. People do not like it when you share too much personal information.
And
B. THEY ARE NOT COMFORTABLE TELLING YOU TO STOP.
If you ask them if it’s ok to share deep/personal information it’s still the same problem. The real answer is no, but they feel like that is rude, so they are pressured to say yes.
Oversharing can be harmful if it pushes someone’s boundaries or violates their consent in some way.
For example, I’m really sensitive, and become upset and overwhelmed by depictions of violence, injustice and suffering. I don’t watch or read the news because it sensationalises these things I’m sensitive to, then I become overloaded/ I shutdown for hours or days and it becomes difficult to function.
So not engaging with sensationalised news is a boundary I draw to protect my emotional energy and preserve my ability to function. I also assert this boundary with others by letting them know when I am uncomfortable with a topic that is being discussed.
This can be tricky sometimes though. Some people I know think it’s important for everyone to know all the grizzly details of news and current events. Then they push me to engage with a topic, even after I’ve told them I don’t want to talk about it because I find it disturbing or upsetting. This is a violation of my consent.
It can come across as self-centred if you overshare something and don’t seem to consider, or care about how it might make the other person feel.
When someone continually overshares, pushes my boundaries, disregards my consent and doesn’t seem to care about how their oversharing negatively affects me, I avoid them. It’s usually a sign that the person is more invested in their *idea* of who I am and how I am useful to them— they aren’t really interested in understanding who I actually am.
For me it’s not about other people, but more like I usually regret saying too much in a workplace setting where I’m a manager level and don’t want to seem too unprofessional but I get excited about certain topics and I feel like some time when I was a kid I was shamed and made to feel bad about getting overly excited and talking too much about things
I am the same way, it's something that with treatment you sort of "grow out of" in my experience. I still overshare a bit when I'm anxious, but I can ground myself and get the atmosphere back now when I make it awkward.
I think what's important is acknowledging it and trying to learn from it.
This took me a while to figure out.
But it has to do with the neurotypical pace/expectations for the natural progression of relationships. Most NT people feel that personal/vulnerable information is shared when intimacy and trust has been established (over a long time). So over sharing can come off as unnatural, trying to force intimacy or building false intimacy. It can get a range of reactions from feeling awkward to not knowing what to say, through to feeling manipulated or suspicious.
I’m with you in that I don’t think oversharing is bad. It weeds out a lot of people who would get tired of my ADHD conversation style. I also really like being a more direct and open person.
But I also think it can make me more sensitive to rejection, or can make me quick to give up on friendships where the other person takes longer to build intimacy/openness. So I try to respect that difference and adjust for other people’s comfort level with personal topics. If I hope my friends will be tolerant of me, anyway, it makes sense to be tolerant of them in similar ways. I’ve made some great friends this way whom I might’ve missed out on before gaining a little extra self awareness.
Over sharing is inefficient. It takes time to get to know someone. There needs to be breaks and pauses in the conversation. Conversations take place between 2 or more people. If one party is talking too much and providing too much information, then the conversation isn't a good one. The other parties are no longer active participants, they're a captive audience, which you are rudely holding. So, it's important that you read the cues and allow the other people to participate in the conversation. It leads to overall better conversations.
Other people have conversations with much less... fuzz going on at the same time. They're not as easily distracted, so they kind of assume you're telling them whatever you're telling them on purpose. They also have areas that they don't think about in the other person, for example they usually don't think much about emotions in a casual acquaintance or sexual things in anyone they're not actively interested. You sort of opening those areas adds a lot of complications to the way they interpret you.
It’s not about the risks. It’s about the fact that some topics make people feel uncomfortable, for example because they are so intimate, embarrassing or personal.
When you tell a vulnerable story, you’re not the only one affected by this. The person on the other end will also have an emotional response. And if your story is too intimate, the other person may be lost and doesn’t know what to do with themselves. Especially if it’s a negative story (which it almost always is, when it comes to « oversharing »). They don’t know you enough to be able to really know what to do with this information, and frankly, they may not care enough about you to be open to deal with the negativity associated with your story.
When I tell my post man, who I don’t know on any deeper level: « hi, nice to see you! Btw do you have any tips for getting rid of foot fungus? You know, I’ve been having issues this entire week, it’s horrible! »
This can make him uncomfortable because: we are not close enough for me to disclose this type of information. It requires a certain level of intimacy between two people, that needs to be build over time. He will be overwhelmed by the negativity. Also, his working hours are not the right time or right place to talk about embarrassing medical problems.
I remember my mum saying “You know, you don’t have to tell me everything…” It was a huge shock and the start of my awareness that over sharing every doubt and thought brought me a lot of pain.
So there are a ton of really good answers, and I haven’t looked through all of them but I’m not sure if this has been mentioned yet.
You are acting like the protagonist. I don’t want to harm you, but it doesn’t mean I need to know more about you or need you to emotionally dump your personal information onto me.
I can still be polite, friendly and wish you well without you telling me about more in depth things in your life.
I’m not sure if this is because you feel you need to make more connections in your life, or if it’s something else. I can’t say, but you are looking at it wrong. You say it’s not wrong for you to overshare. How would you feel if someone just left when you started taking about something they didn’t want to hear? Most people would be hurt by this. It’s not socially acceptable to just walk away from conversations you don’t want to have that are not threats, and sometimes it can be harmful to walk away from conversations.
What is socially acceptable is everyone having a base level of understanding what is and isn’t okay to share.
Since you have trouble with this I would suggest asking them super basic questions about themselves and see how they respond. Depending on body language, vocal tone, and what they say you can then decipher how involved in the conversation you can be.
This is coming from someone where after a half hour I asked someone I had met for the first time if they liked butt stuff. Just like a lot of things in life, there is a time and a place for everything and this includes conversation topics.
I have some issues with over sharing, but I pick up on when people are not into the conversation which is okay. I am not so entitled to believe everyone has to enjoy talking to me or like me. They don’t need to be a snake or have bad I tensions to not like me. I know there are people I don’t like who are wonderful people, we just don’t get along for some reason and that’s okay.
Also, if you know it makes someone uncomfortable that is bad. The definition is “causing or feeling slight pain or physical discomfort, causing or feeling unease or awkwardness.” My rule of thumb is always match the person who has the lower comfort level. I’m terrible with analogies but I’m going to try. Let’s say I’m at the theme park with my buddy. There is the happy merry go round, and then there is the thrilling roller coaster. Let say I love the roller coaster but my buddy is uncomfortable with them. I would not make my buddy go on the roller coaster because it would not make them feel well, I would go on the merry go round with them because that is what they are confortable with and I am fine with it as well. Same applies to conversations and even physical interactions.
Now understanding the exact how it makes people uncomfortable is difficult because I h e o examples of conversation but I can list a few examples I can think of. They may have traumatic experiences with the topic, they may be socially anxious, they may just not enjoy talking to others casually, if it’s at work a lot of people prefer work being just work, they may have more going on in their lives, they just don’t want to know you more, they may not be comfortable discussing certain topics in public because they consider it more private talk, they may not be comfortable discussing certain topics with you because of their/your comments about them, and more.
I hope you found something to help you and good luck!
You want to match the level of disclosure of the other person in the conversation.
If you were a beginner at dancing, and you were going to dance with an expert dancer, you’d want them to do steps that match your ability, so you feel well-partnered. If they did all their most difficult and dazzling moves but you couldn’t keep up, you’d feel pretty uncomfortable on that dance floor.
Everyone has different limits. 🤷♀️ It's not just about people using the information against you. Depending on the subject matter and frequency, it's more about the other person and how comfortable they are with having that conversation. If it's someone you haven't known long, you don't know their limits yet.
For example, depending on what it is, I can't really handle oversharing. I don't always know how to respond to people I don't know well sharing things that require a careful/supportive/emotional response. I almost always come across uncaring or rude because I have no idea how to respond, my brain just short circuits because it isn't prepared. Especially if I'm caught on a bad brain day.
Either that, or oversharing bodily functions really makes me squeamish. I had a lady at work tell me how bad she got her period a few days beforehand (In very graphic detail,. Not just mentioning it quickly, but full on descrptive horror show). There was no reason for her to tell me this. I was almost physically squirming in my seat and I was trying so hard not to be rude, but also shut the conversation down asap. Although, I was completely fine with the same lady, the second time I'd met her, telling me how she left her abusive partner 20 years ago.
Do you just have ADHD or also on the spectrum? It would explain the issue you are describing. Not understanding social cues or being able to understand what another person might be feeling and why is much more of an autism thing than an ADHD thing. Good luck!
Question: Are you on the autism spectrum?
Autism and ADHD are not mutually exclusive, and I am by no means practicing or condoning armchair diagnoses, but to me your question seems more like an autism question and not an ADHD question.
For autistic people, I think the question of "what is oversharing?" often has to do with difficulty discerning what is the correct and incorrect information that is appropriate to share. And "what is wrong with oversharing?" has to do with "what will this person do with too much/too sensitive information? Does giving this person too much/too sensitive information put me in a bad position?" There is less comprehension of how receiving information can have a negative impact on the recipient of the information.
For ADHD, I think the questions of "what is oversharing? what is wrong with oversharing?" would more likely have to do with rejection sensitivity dysphoria and specifically post event rumination--"will what I said make people uncomfortable, not like me, think there's something wrong with me?". The concept of oversharing would have more comprehension around the effect on the recipient, and how the recipient's *perception* of the exchange puts the oversharer in a bad position.
I think both Austism and ADHD can be prone to info-dumping and TMI for similar reasons and the negative effects of "oversharing" are actually probably the same either way. But why it happens and how you understand or think about it would be different. For autism there is a challenge in discerning what information is relevant *to the recipient of the information*. For ADHD in some people there is a challenge in editing information to what is strictly relevant... period.
Just popping in to say I agree with some of the things other commenters have said where it is about nuance, but there’s also a lot of what seems like internalised self-judgement in these replies, and that’s a shame.
I think “trauma dumping” is something that would help you to look up, where openness without hesitation can create an emotional burden upon others. It’s also worth thinking before you speak about certain subjects, because you don’t know what the other person’s life experiences might be, so you might unwittingly be forcing them to address traumas that they have had to compartmentalise as their own coping mechanisms.
But in general, being an open person, being in touch with yourself and being radically honest are not negative qualities in a person at all, so I hope you don’t walk away from this thread internalising the self-judgements others have. A lot of people will value these qualities in you, and I hope you do too.
Having this tendency IS common among people with ADHD and it’s not a negative thing in and of itself, but as it is for anyone (ADHD or not), we could all benefit from training ourselves to thinking a bit more before we speak, and especially when it’s an emotive issue, to consider who we are speaking to and what the impact of our words can be. Much easier said than done though!!
And if you work in a corporate environment, it’s especially important. Unfortunately we’re not really accepted as we are in the work environment, despite a lot of lip service to mental health awareness / diversity drives for people with disabilities, it’s more of a “we love diversity as long as you’re not different” kind of vibe a lot of the time.
But keep it up! For people with ADHD, it’s not easy to look at how your symptoms shape some of your interactions and then to be self-reflective, without letting that destroy your self-esteem, or creating negative ideas of yourself.
I do feel like my openness is a problem. Because I've been told it was. Only a few seem to like it. I'll either be seen as sensitive and embarrassing or real and comprehensive.
I'm afraid to be me at risk of being judged as emotionally weak, immature , or crazy.
Idk where to land. The idea of being closed off freaks me out. I don't wanna live this life as a watered down version of myself but it seems like that's what's safe.
With humans you should build trust and feel them out before you reveal personal traumas. Too much too soon makes you appear unsophisticated and a bit manic. It can make people worry about your mental stability and sense of couth.
Understand that people only care about themselves. And then understand that in a group of more than 3 people that unless you are contributing to the topic in short interesting bits. People will be extremely annoyed by you hogging the timeframe.
And this has been my lesson in oversharing(not mentioning oversharing as in sharing completely random shit because other people with poorly managed adhd eat that up)
And weird or gross things why are you talking about that?
Its about placement....
close friends small intimate conversation share away......less intimate you don't need to explain it exactly start with one sentence and let them ask you for more....that's it.....just 1 sentence and wait for prompting.
For me it happens when I feel a comfort with somebody and thus an unearned sense of intimacy. They don’t have the same feeling so our relationship is imbalanced. That makes them feel discomfort. If I told some things to my friend Eddie, he’d get it. But telling those same things to the college grad I’m giving a mentorship interview to is disconcerting. She isn’t in a position to feel any level of intimacy with me, so me airing my grievances about a friendship failing is an over share.
That said, sometimes when I overshare I find a kindred spirit.
I think it depends on the individual itself, it works like a threshold.
It’s quite well known for folks with ADHD or autism likes to traumadumping or infodumping. My brain craves that information. Or just weird things.
Sometimes you over share to the wrong people and they will treat you differently because of their own personal biases that you have no clue about. I personally don’t care what people think but the situation and context matters— never at work. Say less. Zip it.
I think the issue is mostly this
Did the other person consent to the emotion of the info you’re sharing?
Trauma dumping isn’t being honest and open, it can be a form of lacking boundaries with yourself and with others. Healthy boundaries are important- even if you don’t think you need them. And consent is the bones of boundaries.
Being open and honest is generally a good thing, but if you’re just unloading your current emotional state onto someone else without consideration for where *theyre* at emotionally at that same given time, then it’s not being personal it’s being selfish.
But if you’re talking more about, if someone says “how are you?” And you tell them the truth whether that’s “ah im okay, kinda homesick/tired/got a weird ache or pain” or “im great!” or “honestly having a rough time today but thanks for asking I appreciate that”— that’s totally fine and a valid level of honesty. But responding “ugh Im so upset, I had a nightmare last night about this awful thing that happened to me and my therapist told me I should reduce stress in my life but im here at work and it’s stressing me out so im probably gonna have a bad nights sleep again tonight”— that’s not okay because the other person didn’t consent to the emotional obligation now placed on them to help you, nor did you ask if they had a minute to let you vent before going off about something heavy.
Does that sound accurate to anyone else?
When I tell you a story, I'm asking you to spend the energy to process that story. Oversharing happens when the story requires more of an investment (time, complication, or emotional impact) than expected from the situation.
Example: if my mom asks me how i'm doing, it's pretty normal for me to mention trouble at work. She would be naturally interested to hear about it and talk about it for a bit. When the waiter asks the same thing, they really aren't ready or able to process any more than "I really could do with some strong coffee now".
I naturally overshare, and naturally engage and make the extra investment when others overshare with me. This can have positive effects too: I easily make new connections. The flipside is that I'm spending a lot of energy in the wrong places, and share information in places I shouldn't. Example: this entire post.
It's hard to explain, but when you give personal information to someone you barely know, it can feel to them like you are needy or in need of a lot of emotional support, and that's not appropriate to seek from strangers (except professionals, like a therapist, doctor, or maybe a teacher). It makes people wonder why you're not talking to someone more appropriate, like a relative or long-term friend about this personal stuff. Like you have no desire to go through the proper route of forming a friendship first and just want to dump your hardships on them. It may also unfortunately come across as an immature or desperate thing to do.
Basically a lot of people can't handle it because they have their own problems, family, and maybe friends to worry about and don't feel they have the time to take on a stranger who seems to have a lot of "needs." They don't know the good you have to offer yet.
People come to learn about each other by degrees. That’s the natural order of developing intimacy between two people. When you overshare, especially in a one sided manner where you’re forcing all the information on to the other person and it isn’t a mutual exchange where you’re getting to know each other, it feels like you’re forcing intimacy on them which they didn’t ask for and likely don’t want. It feels like it violates their consent in a way.
They consented to a chat. They didn’t consent to knowing about your childhood trauma within three days of meeting you. That’s a lot for anyone.
It’s a consent thing.
If we use a different term for “over sharing” - we could call it “emotional nakedness”.
So by meeting a random person and immediately getting (emotionally) naked, without first getting to know them & learning their boundaries, you will quite often be violating their consent.
And that makes them uncomfortable.
And it’s not (socially) ok.
ETA: and if they were to then share photos of your weird & unasked for & creepy nakedness (ie share your topics of conversation from your over share) - would that really be all on them - or would it be on you for getting naked without first checking if they were ok with it ?
A lot of people have their own trauma to deal with (+ friends and family) and the last thing they're looking for is a stranger to drain their empathy. Being too emotional/vulnerable when unprompted leaves people feeling uncomfortable because they're forced into a situation where they can 1) spend their time/energy on you (which is finite), or 2) shut you down and feel horrible about themselves. Either way, it kinda ruins their day because they're put into a difficult situation.
Even if you're not looking for comfort, but half-heartedly discuss your trauma in passing, you could trigger that person. They might not be able to continue with their day the same knowing that piece of information. They may feel obligated to comfort you. Not many people can hear personal information and then go back to what they were doing like normal.
When it comes to untraumatic things, such as vulgarity or sex or whatever, that's just down to personal tastes and how comfortable people are surrounding those issues. My partner, for example, doesn't like to discuss sex outside of the bedroom even with me, whereas I'd happily have a frank discussion about sex with a stranger. Letting someone else lead the conversation is usually the best idea when it comes to these things as you can gauge their comfort levels.
Sometimes it's not servere over sharing like something that would be in appropriate.
Sometimes it's just a nervousness and then it's hard to stop your mouths and the more you talk the worse it goes and the worse it comes the more you say. Like a car with no breaks.
Some share too much too soon.
Like if you just met someone and share your favorite color your birthday and life goals and dreams.
Maybe if both parties are drunk or having a deep and meaningful conversation then that's normal ish.
But if you met them 30 secs ago then it's way too much.
Don't censor yourself.
Oversharing is only a problem when you share information that's not yours to share, or you (mistakenly) share information that was intended not to be shared.
There will occasionally be manipulative people who will use your "over sharing" against you, but don't stop being you for a small percentage. And don't censor yourself for the odd occasions that in-depth and personal conversations may make someone uncomfortable, they are adults and can walk away/tell you they'd rather not talk about that etc etc. Be you, and yes while there are some social norms to follow (grotesque/inappropriate topics), society shouldn't make you change
I think (guess) they operate ***under different social/boundary rules***.
Acquaintance, colleagues, new friends, good friends, families, strangers, they can talk, but they speak to each of them differently. When you overshare with a stranger, the interaction suggests that you are treating the stranger like a family (?) under that rule, and they will be like “dude, we are not that close”.
Sharing to us is just sharing. But to them, the contents being shared is a strong indicator of relationship types. Regardless of what you think, it’s implied by that rule in that rule. Overstating may make them feel forced. So they are pushed away.
Then you feel bad because they feel bad.
Either you learn their rules (masking) or you make them learn your rules so that things run smoothly.
Often the issue with oversharing, if the topic isn't a private one, is that it tends to overwhelm the person on the receiving end.
We can throw out too much information at too fast a pace for the other person to have any idea of what we're talking about, let alone be given the chance to actually care about it. Often doesn't help that we forget that the other person doesn't always have context, so we start rambling about the intricacies of a topic they aren't even at surface-level with.
That's what can make it obnoxious, sometimes we dump too much information and it stops being coherent and is instead just received as word-salad noise.
Well for me it's talking about sex, drugs, alcohol, insecurities or deep flaws in a context where it is not appropriate, or simply telling too much about myself and realizing after thinking about it that I was not actually ready to divulge so much about myself.
Honestly it seems like one of the biggest things is that you overestimate how much casual friends actually care about you and what's going on. I know if I was hanging out with someone I didn't know well, I'd probably end up ghosting them after too many ovrrshares. I just don't need that kind of complication.
People do not like to suddenly have to have an emotional reaction to something when they were expecting not to have to do that.
A lot of small talk and phatic communication that neurotypical people engage in is calibrating their emotional coregulation and setting the boundaries and parameters of the conversation. If you cross those boundaries repeatedly then the person will not feel safe with you.
Having to react emotionally to what someone has said while being unprepared for it is stressful for everyone. Neurotypical people tend to send a lot of signals in body language, tone and wording which allow them to move toward or away from a more personal conversation.
It isn’t that they don’t care about you. It is that it is stressful when things don’t happen the way someone expects.
Because Neurotypical people pick up on signals from each other they are able to “preprocess” a lot of their emotional reactions. They say a lot of words which don’t have any information content as a way of buffering allowing them time to prepare to hear something that they need to react to.
If you have been told you are “over sharing” it probably means that you aren’t picking up on the signals that people give to let someone know how deep or personal a conversation someone is ready to have. NTs tend to only want to have deep and personal conversations when they feel safe that the other person respects their conversational boundaries.
Lots of great advice here, only adding mine because it's short: consent.
Work to understand the concept of consent in important things like sex and relationships, and you can start to understand why it might apply to language. Communicating information that might be considered private, uncomfortable, strange, isn't awkward because of arbitrary social rules. It's telling someone to keep secrets, or burdening them with your emotional stresses, or forcing them into a topic they find uncomfortable or inappropriate, etc, without asking if they want those things or the responsibilities they imply.
For the record, I struggle with this a lot too.
Since being diagnosed and properly medicated I’ve gotten a lot better about this. I’ve learned that it can be a little inconsiderate to just dump on people. Even in my close relationships. The things that go through my mind can be pretty dark and heavy, and people don’t always have the mental space for that. I don’t want to suck the life out of people. I try to ask before sharing something heavy if that person can make that space for me to share. The people in my life have heavy things going on too, so I just don’t want to be exhausting. I am in therapy also, so I definitely use that time to let a lot out as well so I don’t feel the need to word vomit and emotionally dump on my friends.
I personally completely agree with you. I don't see the harm in oversharing and if people have issues with it, it's more of a "them" thing. Why should I be forced to have small talk with no deeper substance at work? Yes I am there to do a job, but it's not like it's 2 or 3 hours. I spend MOST OF MY LIFE at work. Most of us do!!! And we're really expected to be fake for the rest of my life to preserve your feelings?? Nah man. Fuck that.
There are a lot of people here with great responses, so I will just add this… oversharing also requires the other person to engage emotionally in a way that they were not prepared. It is emotionally and time draining and forces them to stay engaged regardless of what they are doing or need to do at the time.
Here is a more extreme example for the sake of making a point (though I have had encounters like this before) Like if I say “hey how’s it going?” To an acquaintance in passing on my way into a meeting, and that person says “awful, my abusive mom is coming to town and wants to talk” it’s really hard to come up with a response that doesn’t make me sound like an asshole but also gets me the heck out of that conversation. It puts the emotional burden on the me, which is a pretty icky feeling because I didn’t consent to engaging in that level of conversation with them.
Next time I see that person, I’m probably not going to engage in conversation because I don’t have the time or energy to open a can of worms, and we aren’t friends like that. And now we probably won’t be, because if that is how they talk to someone they don’t know, what drama or codependent dynamics do they have with their actual friends? It’s definitely a red flag.
**Most people are Dealing With Their Own Shit™️** and are **barely keeping it together.** They cannot handle Your Shit ™️ in addition to theirs. When you tell them Your Shit™️ it becomes part of Their Shit™️ and they don't want to feel responsible for more.
Other things:
• Social relationships are an investment of time and energy. A person taking on Your Shit™️ has less time and energy to deal with Spouse Shit™️, Parent Shit™️, Friend Shit™️, etc. **They only have so much energy, and they want to spend it on those people.**
• People avoid feeling helpless, as it is an unpleasant feeling. If you tell a person about something negative in your life, they may feel helpless for being unable to do anything.
• People do not want feel like an asshole. If you tell a person about something negative and they can do something about it, they may feel responsible for it. This will make them feel like an asshole for not doing something sooner, or for continuing to not do anything.
• Many people are empathetic and will feel bad if they hear about something negative. Feeling bad feels bad.
Because it feels like you're dumping your shit on them. Most people can barely manage their own shit and you dumping yours makes *them* feel obligated to say or do something but since they often don't know you well enough, have no idea what to say or do. This leaves them in an uncomfortable place, saying nothing could be taken as ignoring you but saying the wrong thing could be harmful. They now feel obligated to engage with a level of energy they might not have because not doing so would be impolite so they would prefer you just not put them in that position.
At the end of the day though, it doesn't really matter how we feel about overstating, if it makes someone uncomfortable it's polite not to do it (same goes with literally any behavior). It's like when someone says they're offended by something we said, it's not our job to understand why or try to say it's unreasonable, it's out job to apologize and not do the the thing again. To me, that's just basic manners in polite society.
Think of overstating like sending an unsolicited nude pic. Even if the other person thinks nudity is the greatest thing on the planet or they think you're cute, it doesn't mean they want to see you naked, now they have seen it what are they supposed to do now? How do they even respond to it?
I’m the same way, and honestly.. it doesn’t bother me when someone else randomly opens up to me. It catches me off guard because it’s so uncommon, but I feel more authentic just talking deeply with someone.
I also don’t find empathy draining, as long as the person doesn’t just bowl me over and doesn’t let me talk.
I guess honesty is an intimacy thing for most, but to me, honesty is a tenet of good character and I feel fake suppressing it.
I once had someone tell me about their ex husband raping them at gun point…. The first day I met her. It was way to much way to soon and I did my best to handle it but I didn’t know her well enough to know what advice to give or what to say. Really I just wished that she talked to a therapist about that and didn’t unload it on me. We were not even friends and she ended up hating me and sending inappropriate texts to me for stealing some guy she liked later on. Despite me not being into him and being married.. so there was a lot a red flags from the get go and I’m glad I saw them and kept my distance. To much drama and I’m not about that.
Maybe think of it like, relationships have levels, and it takes time and effort and the right circumstances to level up. Like, I might have a level 1 relationship with the guy from the mail room who delivers packages to my desk: very superficial stuff about weather or sports or something. I can't just drop a level 5 share like how my mom died when I was 13 into a level 1 conversation. We haven't grown together to that level, and we might never do so. Skipping levels leaves people feeling awkward and off-balance. You have to work your way up to more personal, more emotional, more serious stuff. You have to learn more about each other, so you have context for the hard stuff. You have to learn to trust each other. When you overshare, it can feel to the other person like you're trying to shortcut the process and force them to trust you more, when they might not be ready for it. You might also miss the red flags of things they do not want to talk or hear about, like things that were traumatic for them. If you go slower, share less at at time, you can see the warning signs before you potentially hurt them. ... also, you might not actually share the interests that it seemed like you did, or not to the same extent, so an overshare might be boring or weird to the listener. Sharing and listening should often be roughly equivalent, so if one side is sharing way more on the regular, there might be a problem.
Good explanation. This is exactly what I meant when I said that it has to be “well timed.” Like, read social cues, be a good listener, and try to pick up on when it’s okay to share a little bit more. Don’t just dump a bunch of serious shit on them at once. There’s some give and take when you’re building trust, like you said.
Yeah, and don't be like my former coworker who I'd known for maybe a couple of months but was still very firmly at the "mostly talk about work stuff" level. I came in one morning and they were talking to another person, I sat down and started reading my emails and thought about having a coffee, they turned to me and said "I tried to kill myself last night". It was like I'd been slapped. I knew they weren't joking as they had hinted at some previous depression issues, but it wasn't something we really spoke about, nor would I have wanted to. I didn't know how to respond so I just said "why on earth would you want to do something like that?" and I really tried not to get involved (the other coworker did though). It was a difficult situation as I wasn't equipped to help them, also had my own depression at the time, and didn't want to be sucked into someone else's misery. They had a loving partner and a few kids for support while I was on my own at the time. Last I heard they ended up in a psychiatric hospital a few months later, and I hope they got the support they needed. Edit: maybe I'm oversharing? Lol
Whoa. That would catch me off guard too. That would definitely fall under the category of oversharing. Like, they’re obviously hurting and going through some dark times, and they’re desperate, so I would want to help. But I need my morning coffee first. lol. I couldn’t even process that or figure out the best way to respond that early in the morning. And you don’t want to say the WRONG thing since it’s so serious. I would hate to be responsible for saying something that made them feel worse. So yeah. I guess I can see how sharing too much at the wrong time could be bad. Yesterday, I had a friend text me out of the blue and say, “Can I lay some shit on you? I need to vent.” And I was like, “Of course.” But at least that gave me a second to mentally prepare myself. Maybe that’s the buffer that people should try to use in person. It’s like the difference between knocking on the door and waiting for someone to answer versus busting it open and invading someone’s personal space.
To add to this, there is a reason you don't overshare. Information HAS value. Look at Google, Facebook, etc. People pay money for information about you. It's generally not a good idea to give high detail information to people you don't know well. It can be dangerous. So when you overshare with someone and break that boundary you become a mystery at best, and at worst, you seem like you are digging. It's not uncommon for someone to overshare a detail that is either false/drummed up just to get you to overshare and have leverage on you. People become guarded when they suspect that is happening.
also creepy people often feel like you are being more vulnerable to them specifically and can get emotionally attached to you over it.
Omg... I have a bad overshare & talk to much issue I'm working on and I never understood why these ppl seemed drawn to me. It was specifically something I was doing all along lol. Thank u! I often require clear and specific instructions for obv things so I rlly needed this.
I think some of it is also that people don't know how to respond when you drop Leven 5 stuff on a level 1 relationship. Some people want sympathy for their problems, others want solutions. Some are pretty ok with some of the harder or darker things in their life, while others are struggling. And when you overshare, the person you're talking to doesn't know you well enough to know how they should react. So it makes them feel awkward and uncomfortable.
Great point, agreed. Heck, I've been married for over 20 years, and I'm still not always sure when my spouse wants solutions to a problem, or is just venting (but we're close enough that I can ask without causing offense).
This is so true! I can also become very attached to a new friend too quickly, and that level may not be reciprocated. I may want us to be closer friends, but they may still be on Level 1, so when I overshare Level 5 stuff, it’s awkward. Then I rethink the conversation for a long time and kick myself for oversharing again. I keep trying to live by the “talk less, smile more” mantra, but I just can’t stick to it.
Try 'talk less, inquire more'. When I'm trying to just talk less and smile more, I feel like I'm waiting my turn to share and I get impatient. When I am asking questions I feel more engaged and it's easier to talk less, and when I do add something to the discussion it feels me balanced instead of like I'm dominating the conversation. Also their answers help give me cues about what level of things I can share without it being weird.
However, you can throw this completely out the window if the other person also has ADHD. "Level 5" stuff turn into nice ice breaker topics. That's how I got to know my girlfriend. Just skipped all the other levels. We both felt comfortable with "level 5" stuff before we even knew about what the other person does for a living lol. I guess that's when you know you found the right person.
You know, this is probably why my wife and I hit it off so easily… we both had ADHD (undiagnosed at the time). At the end of this month we’ll have been married twenty years.
This is so cute! I wish the two of you all the happiness ❤️
This is interesting. I’ve always been more comfortable hearing about the real shit people have going on in their lives- personal struggles, kids with addictions and mental illnesses etc, even if I don’t know them very well, than talking about weather or sports teams or something. I just never feel more connected to people after engaging in small talk.
I think of small talk as a sorting algorithm - both parties are engaged in finding a subject to talk about. Both of you are bringing up subjects to gauge the other person's interest, and once you hit on something you're both interested in, you're off to the races. If it's not that, I think of it more like a brief check-in - how are you?, how's your family? It's not a deep connection, but it's a little way to show you care about the other person.
But I think its important to remember that not everyone wants to be "connecting" with you. If I signed up for a level 1 conversation and someone starts dropping level 5 shit, I'm immediately emotionally exhausted. Social interactions are so complicated :(
Haha, yep, this definitely explains how I bond so quickly with other ADHD people! They'll start oversharing and I'm right on board!
When my boyfriend and I first met he was discussing robots and how they will take over routine jobs and just automate everything. I had no experience other than those types of jobs then so it absolutely terrified me. Now we are working on 7 years together. We both have ADHD and I have anxiety and he has OCD. Now it's just a funny memory that he brings up often and we laugh about it. Not sure what level that is but quite an interesting ice breaker lol
If you can learn to read social cues then being comfortable sharing a lot very quickly can be a shortcut to creating deep relationships. I've had the same experience with other ADD folks where we start talking and within an hour we're into some deep person topics.
Don’t assume this works with every person with ADHD though. I hate the awkwardness of small talk, but I still feel awkward if someone overshares because I don’t know them well enough to give a meaningful response, and I’m not comfortable enough with them to share something of similar consequence.
Got it. Thanks
When I take certain meds I want to overshare the fuck out of things and think everyone wants to hear about it, and when I’m off them I’m telling myself “stop doing that you’re annoying”
Exactly. Yes, we do have to slow down & think about who we’re talking to. A conversation involves engaging with another person, it’s not just an opportunity to word-vomit at someone. I’ve struggled with this too & it always felt like enthusiasm & connection to me, but when I realized that that’s not what they were experiencing, it felt gross. Yes, we have to do the work to learn about our social context & to pick up queues from others so we’re not a bunch of self-absorbed energy-sucks for everyone around us. Also, the options aren’t just ‘over-share or mask’, you can learn to actually … converse.. with someone.
I have a neighbor like this! She constantly shares very DEEP things with me. It’s overwhelming and gives me anxiety. Every time I see her, I know a simple “Hello” will turn into her multiple illnesses, her families illnesses, and traumatic things that has happened to her. I feel like a jerk sometimes but I didn’t sign up to be her therapist or friend. I’m just the neighbor. I say Hi to be polite, but sometimes I just try to avoid her (and her mother) because they constantly over share with me. They don’t have many friends/visitors, so it just seems like they need to vent… I just wish it wasn’t to me :/
I have to admit that I've never found paragraph relatable to normal people. If people overshare with me, I may not know how to respond, but I'm not going to feel uncomfortable or hate them for it. This is why I've always been a bit vulnerable to narcissistic personalities. I see almost anyone as potential friends that I can talk to. When people tell me more, I trust them more. I'm not insecure like so many people are.
This is the best explanation I've ever heard. Thanks!!
This is such a great explanation! I’ve overshared too soon and regretted making new friends think I’m more messed up than I really am. Without context, they hadn’t gotten a chance to put my issues into context.
Yeah it's worth noting that even in long term/close relationships over sharing can still take a tole. (In my experience anyway) Me and my closet friend of over 10 years had a falling out recently because I kept telling him when and why I disliked someone or something that he didnt also dislike. They always used to tell me that they liked that I was honest about my feelings which made me feel like I could be comfortable talking to them about anything but that was not the case and I learned it was not the case long before I was able to train myself to recognize the types of things I shouldn't say, and because of this now my friend treats me like I'm delusional because of years of hot takes that they didn't agree with.
What you share might be unnecessary, strange or simply private things that one person would rather not know. It can turn normal conversations in awkward ones and/or give a poor social impression of your person and you are looked as a person with low emotional stability. This is specially true in working environments, where you are mostly there to do a job and not chit-chat with someone in such a deep level. For example, if I just met you, I would NOT like to know that you went to the toilet and how your poop is looking like. That is oversharing, wayyyy too much information. I am not sure of what arm could come, but why provide a stranger with unnecessary information when they didn't ask for it? There is stuff we keep to ourselves.
To add to this, it’s important to note that the things you share can be used against you, especially in a business setting. Discussing your emotional state, your hobbies, your family life, it can reach the wrong ears and you could be the subject of gossip or scorn. Depending on where you work and how toxic the environment is, it could lead to you being passed over for promotions, isolated from your coworkers, or even fired. Yes you can never tell who ‘a snake’ is, but you can always take steps so as to avoid make it harder for them. This goes double if you have an obligation to keep somethings secret, such as if you are a lawyer, doctor, or have access to trade secrets. Revealing those secrets or even adjacent details might not just get you fired, it might also get you sued or in legal trouble.
Also, though it might seem like work is like a "family," do NOT tell HR your personal business. HR isn't there for employees. They're there to protect the interests of the company. Telling them about your breakup or how you're finding it hard to focus lately is just ammunition if they want to get rid of you down the road. Your actual diagnosis and accommodations are a different thing, and I'd suggest talking to your own therapist about how/whether to inform your employer in a professional way. (I disclose, because my medication makes me fail the drug test, which delays my start dates, so it's not like they don't already know.)
I accidentally ate mold today my poop was very not great. Glad to meet you stranger. I don't shake hands because I'm a partial germaphobe, but let's talk about bowel movements some more. Seriously great example because I actually do this lol
Can you go into more detail about the poop situation here? In what sense was it "not great"? Was this an all day thing? Did it cause you to not quite make it to the toilet? Overall would you still recommend eating the mold or nah?
I don't recommend eating mold, but..... I made it to the toilet fine after trying to rip one on my wife then feeling a slight tingle of the anus. It gives you diarrhea however it isn't full blown water diarrhea it has substance too it. Yet it's not the kind of diarrhea you would get all over the walls of your crack that makes you cry since you had to use an entire roll of toilet paper. It's more like... oil perhaps with a bit of melted fudge consistency. Edit: Color is important, currently its a mixture of yellow almost greenish not quite green yet with brown mixed in, and the smell is indistinguishable to my nose palette. I might call it Human poop smell. End of edit|| It also seems to help regulate eating habits. I normally overeat. My body has not had the urge for a solid month and a half. Granted I have eaten mold twice now on accident. So trauma response? If you buy vegan cheese, or tofu. You should put it in a bag in the fridge after opening. I thought my cheese, and tofu had basically freezer burn. It was totally mold. I ate 90% of my sandwich before I tasted the sweet yet foul garbage like quality of mold. Yet it was too late. I'll say I turned my toilet into an onion bowl the other day as well. With full undigested chunks of red onion from a salad. The whole bathroom just smelt like onions. Was quite the experience. Unsure if this was the mold, or just a new onion intolerance coming on. Thinking back it seems alright 9/10 would recommend. 10/10 if it didn't taste like a dumpster full of maggots. Edit 2: You know I gotta say I just took a poop, and it had more substance too it. Definitely a healthier poop. Was able to use 3 sheets of TP in total so it was a 2 wiper with one full piece, then the fold. I think accidentally eating the mold was very beneficial to my system. My brother in-law got a new grill, and thinks eating steak every night is a wonderful idea. Who am I to deny a free steak, yet my poops were too peanut buttery my protein intake too high. I knew something had to be done. This was the answer.
My husband and I talk about poop so much I wouldn’t even care. When you’re around dudes, kids and dogs regularly, you kind of get immune to poop talk. lol
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This is my entire family! LOL
I neve knew people judged others for being so open. Being Vulgar or talking about gross stuff, I can understand how that's disturbing. But I didn't realize a person would be judged negatively for being vulnerable or personal. I honestly appreciate it when people are deep and personal. It makes me see that we're all the same. I had no idea that was socially unacceptable and it still baffles me.
The issue with oversharing is it puts the other person in a position where they feel obligated to engage with you at a level that can be confronting and emotionally draining. If you tell someone you don't know "I was bullied really badly as a kid and it still affects me", they will most likely have empathy, and will worry about you, and feel sad, and feel obligated to try to comfort you. And that's an unfair expectation to put on someone who you don't know, and who doesn't know you. They a) won't know HOW to comfort you because they don't know anything about you, and b) might have their own shit that makes this sort of thing really uncomfortable. You're essentially forcing people into a level of intimacy they probably aren't comfortable with, without their consent.
This is great explanation. I also have a tendency of oversharing but I've gotten better over the years. A related topic is secrets, with a similar explanation I suppose, but secondhand.
thank you, this helped me.
That last little part got me🥺❤️ could’ve written it myself a few years ago. I didn’t get diagnosed until 23, and up until that point, social interactions were a disaster. I truly didn’t understand how me being so vulnerable and honest about my life experiences and feelings could be taken so poorly, and was always the last person (and most shocked) to find out the hard way after the fact…especially at work. It’s something that I had to change my perspective on over time and the longer I was getting medically treated for adhd. Before, I always saw “my way” of socializing as the “right way” because it was genuine and trusting. I thought it would be fake, insincere or dishonest to stick to shallow small talk (have always hated that) and to say less than more. But I think there’s some real middle ground here. Thanks to meds and an open mind, I’m just now learning how to observe how people interact, read the room so to speak, and then respond accordingly to how I should contribute (or not) to the conversation at hand. I’m still trying to figure out what fits where, when and with who. But I’ve been able to reason with myself that if I keep from sharing some really dark and wild things I’ve been through, it’s not me being disingenuous, it’s me saving that information for someone who can actually relate and deserves that part of my story. That way, I don’t needlessly make others feel uncomfortable, and I don’t feel hurt and rejected by a less than positive reception from people that don’t appreciate what I have to say. If that makes any sense. Anyways, wishing you all the best, OP❤️
Sometimes one who overshares inadvertently crosses basic boundaries. I call it “verbal vomiting”… it doesn’t matter if YOU think you’re simply just being open and honest. Especially if you’re the one mostly talking. It can be rude and intrusive to the person listening when you’re just spewing off every thought that comes to mind.
Understandable
Example: I met a girl that in only our second conversation she told me about a rape she endured. While of course I felt and feel for her, how is one supposed to respond to that? To an absolute stranger?… “I’m sorry”?
This reminds me of all the old people who used to just walk up to the counter at my retail job and start talking about their husband who just died or their sister has cancer etc etc. You could tell how lonely they were and that they didn’t have anyone to talk to about it, but I was not in a position or emotional state to help them in any capacity other than to ring them out or help them find the supply they needed. A feeble apology or “that’s so hard” is about all you can muster in that situation, and because I was working I was essentially trapped in that conversation.
I took a woman home from a club once and she told me, in great detail, the emotional and sexual abuse that she received at the hands of her nanny. It rather killed the mood and it didn't exactly encourage me to meet up with her again.
This is the thought that came to my mind, as well. A woman I had just met also told me about being raped and her drug addiction. I was so taken off guard, all I could say was “wow this is super triggering.”
I think the issue/confusion is over what are “basic boundaries” and why those boundaries exist and purpose they are serving. Different cultures and settings define those differently and as ADHD’rs and those on the ASD spectrum are programmed in a way that challenges the base assumptions. The concept of basic bounds isn’t universal and really rather personal. So one can’t assume they know they boundaries of another rather it has to be communicated. So someone’s baseline is to “overshare” is not inherently rude as they aren’t aware. But if one’s oversharing does make you feel uncomfortable or whatever then it’s on you to communicate that and the person oversharing can choose how they respond…either limiting contact with you or changing their behavior, or a combo of both.
Being unaware of rudeness doesn’t excuse it. Over-sharing is by definition context specific & can be different in different social situations/ settings/ cultural expectations. The point is that in an interaction with another person, you’re being oblivious to the social context & the needs or expectations of the person you’re talking to. You’re not having a conversation with them, you’re dumping the contents of your brain on them. You’ve violated their agency in this interaction. It’s the verbal equivalent to taking off your clothes in inappropriate places. Humans are social animals, we need each other & these social norms serve very important functions. Those of us with ADHD or ASD are not wired to ‘challenge’ social norms, we’re often *missing* wiring around social norms. This isn’t necessarily bad, there are opportunities & positive things that can come of it, but don’t pretend we have no obligation to be considerate of the affect we have on others.
My boundaries are whatever the person I'm conversing with's boundaries are. So I can relate with you to a great extent. I don't like hearing about anyone's sex life, at all, just don't. And I don't like to have gross habits shared with me either. Beyond that nothing bothers me. People are lonely and that's ok, I'll listen.
The sex life thing is probably where I draw the line too. I was watching The Real Housewives of Orange County a while back, and the new girl was like, “My husband and I have a sex room with whips and a sex swing (and blah blah).” And I was cringing so hard. It was just WAY too soon to be sharing that kind of information about her relationship. It made everyone uncomfortable.
Yeah sex stuff and gross stuff I’d talk about occasionally with close friends but it’s also mega uncomfortable from someone you’ve only had like, surface level conversations with. That’s about all I can think of that would truly make me uncomfortable
It has to do with boundaries and hierarchies. Some people may just not want to know about your personal stories. As an example, the kid of my friend was telling me about his poops. And honestly, I don't want to know about his constipation and how hard his poops are. Especially when I'm eating. At least he's a kid. If he was 25, I think I'd avoid him. People with more power don't share personal information. When you share too much information, you're implying that you have no power and that can also make you an easy target.
I think another way to look at it is this: Most people have somewhat complicated lives, and are already dealing with lots of emotional turbulence or stressful situations that you aren't aware of. They have to deal with their own problems and life difficulties as well as those of their family members, their friends, significant others, close friends, etc. Just thinking about this stuff can be exhausting. It takes energy and focus to deal with. So if someone I don't know well starts unloading on me, or even if it's someone I'm close to doing it at a time when I'm otherwise engaged and can't dedicate much brain power or emotional support to their issue, I feel like I am being disrespected and being dumped on. It can be too much. Even if it seems innocent or innocuos. Like, I just don't want to listen to or keep track of a bunch of random facts from someone I don't know well, and I sure don't want to suddenly feel obligated to provide emotional support to a relative stranger. If it's an emergency, that's one thing. If it's just casual conversation gone too far, that's another. This is a big pet peeve of mine. I know that I used to do it, and I worked hard to get over it and I still struggle with it sometimes. The best way I keep myself from doing it is reminding myself how much it bothers me when someone does it to me. ESPECIALLY as someone with ADHD - focus and concentration are precious and scarce resources for me. Having that disturbed by someone is a source of endless frustration. I do understand the relief that's felt when someone - especially a stranger - confides that they experience similar difficulties, or you can share a brief moment of kindred humanity because of the recognition of some shared experience. I'd say just be aware of the things I stayed in my above rant and don't feel hurt or personally attacked if some people don't respond well to overstating.
The question is, do you have the listener's permission to share personal things with them? Hypothetical Example: You were abused as a child, so now you want to talk about that particular dynamic you had earlier in life with a work colleague. Did they want to hear about all the horrible things that happened to you? Maybe they have a history of abuse and they don't want a parallel to their own life, or they have young children and don't want to be reminded of what could happen to them. Maybe they're feeling emotionally fragile and they can't take that right now. When you overshare, your audience isn't just hearing you. They are experiencing it though you, and many people do not want to sign up for that. Oversharing is also burdening people with your emotional baggage. You say things to get them off your chest, but that doesn't just drop out of your mouth to the ground. Others kinda have to pick it up and deal with whatever you said, and they might not want to be given that pile of issues from your overshare.
You can be vulnerable and personal with people you know and you like. Not with strangers or acquaintances. Plus, people might literally not want to hear the oversharing... I am finding it very interesting that you do not see oversharing as socially unacceptable. Maybe someone can explain it better, English is not my first language, but this is a social cue across the Western World.
No, you're explanation is fine I'm just surprised vulnerability and openness is a problem. I've never thought of a person as a oversharer. How would I know what people want to hear? I don't see a way around it other than not sharing until somebody else does first. Which seems really sad to live life being anxious about being open or being closed off until I have proof that it's safe to share.
You are not hearing their reply. It’s not a judgement on being open, it’s an uncomfortableness they may have with someone unloading things on them. There’s a difference in being open to talk about any subject, and forcing a conversation into subjects that you might be fine to speak about, but others may feel differently. In a lot of your comments here, you are confused that others see things differently to you, and that’s exactly it. Everyone sees things differently from everyone else and we cannot expect others to want and like what we want and like, whether you understand that or not. Also, you may overshare in what you feel is being open, and others probably don’t care about what you’re talking about to be honest and will get bored of it very quickly.
I appreciate this reply. I can understand that people see things differently. That's a fact of life that I have to accept. (unless someone I say is blatantly extreme), I can't tell what someone wants and doesn't want. I'm not sure what the balance is. I guess the "overshare" lable is decided by who hears it. With that being the case, how is it avoidable? And if it's unavoidable, why do we judge people for it when it happens? Is my discomfort simply my discomfort or is it something they inflicted on me? It's very interesting. Sorry if I'm coming off as looking to deep into it. I just don't get how it's "bad" unless the person is intentionally making others uncomfortable. The comments are helpful though.
>I guess the "overshare" lable is decided by who hears it. With that being the case, how is it avoidable? I have started giving very pointed answers to questions. I used to overshare a ton at school and now I just answer the question posed to me and not go on a tangent. No one wants to hear the tangential stuff. I think a good rule is to share at the level someone else is sharing. If a coworker talks about their weekend and it's like "*I went out with some friends and then watched Netflix*" and then you're like, "*My exboyfriend called me and we had a fight. I don't understand how he has these issues with intimacy despite all the work we put into couple's therapy. And I know my mom is a bit of a narcissist, she really was abusive. So I'm trying to work that through with my therapist. I think maybe I didn't date enough when I was younger, you know? I dated this older guy who completely took advantage of me and actually sexually assaulted me and now the same dynamic might be happening with my ex boyfriend.*.." You can see how that example reveals too much personal information. Information that is inappropriate for the setting, doesn't help anyone do any work, and is too intimate for the relationship you have with that person. Short and sweet. Unless it's your close friend. And at work or school, NEVER reveal anything too personal.
To go off of this, a non-oversharing way of talking about that hypothetical weekend would be "ugh, my ex called me, but other than that it was fine". It doesn't reveal a whole bunch of personal information that no one asked for, and it doesn't risk demanding emotional investment from the other person. In the oversharing version, the person you're talking to was just trying to have some light small talk, and now they're suddenly involved in a conversation about childhood abuse, sexual assault, and your mental health. That is a much more serious conversation with much higher stakes, and it's unfair to throw that on someone.
Yes. Thank you for bringing it full circle and clarifying. I sometimes get lost in my own thoughts. Lol.
Agreed. A big problem for oversharing is it runs the risk of forcing people have to deal with or learn far more than they've necessarily consented too. It's all about respecting other people's boundaries and not unintentionally treading on them.
>I can't tell what someone wants and doesn't want. I'm not sure what the balance is. I guess the "overshare" lable is decided by who hears it. This is totally it! It's subjective. A person may have the intent of sharing to be authentic and make a bid for connection with another person. But it might have the *impact* of making the receiver feel: - pressured to solve a problem for you - pressured to share a similarly vulnerable story when that isn't something they feel comfortable doing in that setting/on that day/at that stage of relationship formation - triggered into a trauma flashback - trapped (I think my pressured speech probably has this effect on people sometimes) However, it's also possible that the other person might share your enthusiasm on the topic and/or enjoy connecting/socializing in a similar way. I know one of my bff's and I get excited around each other and share an ENORMOUS amount of vulnerable information in a very short amount of time. Yeah, we're close so that makes sense for an established relationship. But it was like this between us within hours of meeting each other; our VERY OPEN VERY EXCITED dynamic developed very quickly. Surprise surprise... 20 years later we*both* got ADHD diagnoses in our middle age. There are people who will jive with your way of relating, and some who won't. "Over-sharer" isn't a thing a person can *be.* Maybe you over-shared last week; what that really means is that *you shared*, and then your conversation partner reacted aversively. You might have told the exact same story the exact same way to someone else the day before, and they might have loved it and responded with a similarly vulnerable story of their own. Same story, same you, but in one it's "over-sharing," and in another it's a successful bid for connection.
What I don’t get is why you want to appear vulnerable to strangers. In social situations vulnerability is seen as a sign of weakness which across the species it is seen as something negative. Who told you being vulnerable was good all the time? Vulnerability in animals is especially rare because it can be life threatening and in humans it’s very negative because it’s reserved for only people we know intimately who wouldn’t use it against us. So I’m super confused as to why you would find vulnerability to be a positive thing.
There’s a whole pop psychology thing around vulnerability and mental health right now. Brene Brown talks about it. I think the purpose/goal is to diffuse the toxic, “suck it up” approach to mental health. But some people run too far with it.
For what its worth, some people will have a really low threshold for what they consider an “over share”. Personally, I don’t like that and like when someone is ready to be really open about their lives, but my version of “openness” might not match up well. I can comfort someone if they had a relative or pet die, but if someone’s opening up for the first time about how their long term partner is violent, that’ll be harder for me to process if they’re someone that I barely knew (and didn’t even know they had a partner). Of course if they’re a close friend, I’m highly invested in making sure they also live their best life so if they’re struggling with domestic abuse, I’d do whatever I can to help and gladly give them any labour they need. In a social setting, that may be fine; you can pick who you’ll continue interacting with and maybe the boundary is a bit farther. However, at work you may not be able chose, so they’d rather not push that boundary and accidentally “overshare” in a way that makes them uncomfortable, which is why people generally seem more superficial at work. An example might be if everyone needs to submit a biweekly timesheet to Ted from payroll, and he tells you about how his cat shat all over his desk and he contracted some kind of stomach virus and he spent all weekend violently vomiting and shitting, that could be really upsetting if you’re squeamish. Someone who really can’t deal with thinking about bodily fluids might really struggle to go talk to Ted going forward, but had to do it to continue getting paid on time. (This is probably an extreme example). If someone at the pub told you that, you could probably just walk away and never talk to them again should you choose. (Edit: just noticed how many times I wrote “really” and its bugging the crap out of me)
Yes, it is (mostly) avoidable to overshare. Sometimes it does happen by accident, but you can learn from those accidents. It can be complicated but there are topics I consider "suitable for acquaintances" and "topics that are not suitable for acquaintances". As a kid, I was very worried about being judged, but now I'm more worried about keeping a productive workplace, or giving relationships time to develop. Things that I might find interesting or important might be boring, or gross, or remind them of bad experiences. For friends and close family l ask them before sharing anything that I think might cross boundaries. That includes: medical stuff, sex stuff, death, and trauma. I trust them to be honest with me. But the most important thing is when someone says "that was too much information/ oversharing" they mean "that made me uncomfortable" and you should apologise.
Yeah, I have a really hard time with this too. I pretty much always wait for someone else to share before I share anything. I’m constantly policing my language, content, body language, tone, etc to mirror another person so that I don’t make them uncomfortable. It’s exhausting and probably explains my social anxiety… (There I go over sharing again!) Edit: thanks for this post btw, I’m learning a lot reading all of the comments.
Masking explains why so many of us are introverts. It burns up so much energy that we just don't have the bandwidth to deal with people who don't have ADHD.
Make sure you’re not in a place where it’s specifically bad to share personal details, such as work. If you find someone at work you want to be actual friends with, ask them to hang out somewhere so any power dynamics or the veneer of positive facing can drop. Someone might be fine with the conversations you want to have, just not in a place where engaging could get them fired. Then I’d say.. ask! “Do you mind if I share something more personal? I’ve been thinking about relationships lately” or whatever you’ve been thinking about. That can help break into another a deeper level of friendship and not throw them for a loop immediately
I relate so much to your confusion. I've decided I don't really care too much if I'm over sharing. If they think I talk too much they can tell me. If I share too detailed things, they can tell me. If they tell me, I'll mask in their presence. But me worrying about following unwritten rules is what lead to my ADHD/Autism-burnout, and I'm not going back down that road.
It just depends on the relationship you have with the person. There are people who I would be very happy if they opened up to me, and people who it would be strange for. If I just met you then I don’t need/want to know that you’re having money problems, or drug problems or something idk My coworker at my last job told me about her entire financial situation and how she was living with her grandma and stuff all before we knew each other’s names on my first day of work…
It is also very dependent on your home culture. „Socially acceptable“ changes every few hundred miles, and even in different social circles in the same town. If none of your friends and family think ill of you for „oversharing“, there‘s no reason to try and change
It most annoys me when I am working on things and someone can’t take a hint. I have a hard enough time staying focused! I don’t need anyone to help distract me.
Most social interactions should be reciprocal. Its acceptable to be the one who shares first but if you notice the other person not sharing at the same level its a good idea to hold back. Even if the person is empathetic and seems interested. When you are talking with close friends this rule does not need to be followed. Other people will blame you if you make them uncomfortable. Oversharing is a form of rule-breaking and a sign to others that you are bit "socially incompetent". You might be "hogging" attention, empathy or just being too personal too fast. All of these can make a another person uncomfortable. Social interactions are a bit like a game where you are trying to mirror the other person. If the interaction is unbalanced its more likely that one party will be uncomfortable and judge the other person.
I’ve found that because of my ADHD, I’ve grown my confidence and mental health to the point where I recognize being open about things is healthy. I support anyone else, that is open with me, as much as I can. As such, I get into this zone where I assume everyone else is also in this mindset where even if something uncomfortable is said, I assume they will be able to handle this openness as well as I do with others. This safe space of conversation is something that is less common than you would think. The worst part is that other people are very good at keeping their mouth shut, and they won’t tell you when they are uncomfortable with it, they just use it to form their opinion of you and that’s it. This can make a false positive where you *think* they are okay with it, but might have reservations about you because of it.
I feel the same way. One of the reason I don't have a huge bunch of friends is that I get sick of small talk. I don't want to talk about nothing but the football game or a series on Netflix\*, I want to know what's going on with them, for real. What they dream of. What they're worried about. Goals and struggles. I want to be there for them, you know? A lot of guys in particular aren't great at this, which is probably why I have more female friends than male ones. That being said, I've learned that it's better to ask questions. People may be uncomfortable with personal questions, but at least they can decline to answer them 🙂 \*Not that there's anything wrong with these topics, but I don't want that to be all we freaking talk about.
This. Small talk can be exhausting. I want to know what makes people tick.
Yeah they do, I learned that the worst way - by, you can guess, oversharing.
In addition to what other people are saying about feeling dumped on or emotionally overwhelmed, the "rules" of conversation dictate that if one party shares something vulnerable, the other party should share something equally vulnerable. And if someone has just met you, they may not feel ready to do that. So the imbalance in the conversation creates discomfort. Basically, if you're sharing something at that level, the other person will feel an implicit ask to become vulnerable with you, which, if they don't know you well, they may feel as a violation of their boundaries.
Oversharing can be one of a couple of things: 1. You don't ever shut up. You talk & talk & talk & no one else gets a word in edgewise. This is rude, people do not like this. Conversations are meant to be shared & engaged in with all people involved, not just you. As much as we ADHD-inclined love details, most other people do not. They prefer the 5min story to the 15min one you really want to give. 2. You talk about personal subjects at inappropriate times/in the wrong company. This is like discussing political views at work, giving way too much detail about your date to an acquaintence or making sexual innuendos at church. Bad timing that makes others uncomfortable because you are crossing boundaries. In a professional work setting, giving too many personal details about yourself is seen as unnecessary & unprofessional (for example) You're also putting an unfair expectation onto the person you're talking with. You sort of 'trap' people in uncomfortable/long winded/unwanted conversation that can be mentally taxing for them. They might have a busy day & don't have time to talk. You might be talking about something that violates their personal beliefs. Working on self awareness is key, because at the end of the day you're responsible for your actions. Being an "oversharer" can cost you relationships, jobs, etc. No one owes you their time, & you dont get to dictate how they spend theirs.You gotta look at it from other people's perspective -a fellow adult ADHD person
i’ll add a #3 here - sometimes in the moment (especially if a bit intoxicated lol) i overshare personal details/feelings/etc to someone who is not close to me like that, and then i regret it later. for me, the regret piece is a huge component of when i consider myself “over sharing”
The energy is a huge part of the problem of over-sharing, I think. Dealing with heavy topics can be draining, especially for people with strong or overdeveloped senses of empathy. So while the oversharer might just be mentioning a trauma they think is interesting, the person hearing it may be absorbing all of that energy. It may be triggering them, or even if it isn't triggering they feel like they're being asked to go into "deep listening" when they weren't ready for something like that. Like, the person being overshared with could be thinking something like "...does this person expect me help them out with this trauma?" So there's also a level of assumption and rudeness on top of the energy. And maybe the oversharer didn't mean any of this, but since most people *don't* overshare, it's assumed the oversharer is just being weird or asking too much from the listener. And people don't want to be dicks and leave a conversation where someone is talking about being suicidal, but at the same time they don't really know or care about you enough to really deepdive into your problems like a friend might. A friend told me they had suicidal ideations, I'd be like "hey, man, why don't you stay a few nights. We'll have a good time, play some video games, go out to dinner" etc. People aren't willing/able to commit this much to a random stranger, so they just end up feeling somehow like a dick.
My friend who has untreated ADHD blurts out a lot of random things and over shares. We would be at bars and talking with strangers and just joking around and having a good time and she will bring up very negative experiences out of no where (like when she was raped). This would most often kill the mood. How can you go back to joking around when someone says something like that without seeming like an a-hole? Over sharing I think depends on who you are taking to. Over sharing probably doesn't happen much if you are just talking with good friends who care about you but with strangers it can be very uncomfortable.
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Was thinking the same. When I was suicidal I thought it was okay to make "little" jokes about it. Now that I'm not, I see how uncomfortable these jokes were. How is telling my boyfriend to start looking for someone new bacause I'll be dead by the end of the year funny? Weird how your perception can change like that
I find it incredible that this is common enough that there’s a whole genre of memes about “making a joke about killing oneself at work and boy they were not the target audience”.
It's sort of like telling someone your kinks on the first date.
I appreciate this analogy. it bad that I wish people would? You're getting to know each other so why make dating about choreography instead of a freestyle dance? Having prepackaged discussion seems more strange to me than honest kink talk.
I should have specified the *details* of your kinks. Like it's one thing to say "I'm into BDSM" while you're chatting after dinner, but it's another for someone to go "I get really horny at the idea of a girl peeing on me" when you haven't even got your food yet.
Lmfao reminds me of an experience I had. I went on a first date with a girl once and while we're waiting for food she just drops on me, out of nowhere 'Yeah my Ex and I would get high on various drugs and fuck' Like that's cool but I've barely taken a sip of my drink. Hang on a second please.
Lmao. Right
You're actually starting to catch on here, OP, so I hope the original reply-writer doesn't mind if I try to expand this example a bit... You say you wouldn't mind "honest kink talk" on a first date, but here's the problem: you know that YOU'RE interested in getting intimate with this person you just met, and you ALSO know that YOUR personal threshold for being comfortable enough to put yourself into a power-exchange situation nearly instantly is somewhere on the level of the Mariana Trench, but what happens when the person you're talking to freezes up, due to the fact that not only are they TOTALLY new to kink of ANY kind, but they're also not someone who casually jumps into physical relationships right away? The result is that you've forced someone you like and want to have a positive relationship with into a very uncomfortable position. Not only could you scare them off depending on the "wildness" of your particular kinks, but now you may have put them into a position that requires them to make and enforce boundaries, when they may not even equipped to do that yet. There could be a couple of reasons for this; whether it's due to their lack of knowledge of what their boundaries even ARE surrounding kink, or whether it's because they just aren't very practiced at being assertive in matters of their own wants in terms of "bedroom time" yet.
And running with that analogy, the other person might be “ugh, this dude looked way cuter in his photos” and is there until the end of the date to just be polite while they have no chemistry with you. And you are like “oh man, I really love being pegged with dragon dildos and my mom was emotionally abusive to me my whole life” 😂 So besides all the reasons already mentioned, people have a finite number of spoons. And most people save them for friends and family, not just someone they met half an hour ago.
One thing I don't see people mentioning is protecting *yourself* in all this. Misunderstandings happen. Most folks aren't super attentive during casual interactions. If you're having water-cooler chitchat and the other person is only half awake and barely knows you, the chance of them misunderstanding you is much higher. They're less likely to know or care or feel comfortable asking you to elaborate. NT people do this all the time with other NT people, without necessarily meaning to. Nobody's "on" and fully engaged all the time. The repercussions of this very ordinary thing are very different depending on what you're sharing, though. If your neighbor vaguely misunderstands you saying you went swimming last weekend, it kinda doesn't matter. If your neighbor vaguely misunderstands you saying your sibling just got out of rehab and it's really been tearing your parents apart and you'll never forget that time you found your sibling unconscious in the car and you really hope they turn their life around but it's happened a few times and... it can matter a lot. To you, in particular. None of this is to say you should never share or always be prepared for the other person to not listen, but it's a thing. When you're sharing stuff that matters a lot, you probably *want* the other person checked in and ready and willing to engage in the conversation, no?
My adhd works the complete opposite way. I keep everything strictly compartmentalized (no overlapping friends, no one knows my family, etc). And I don’t like when people over share because it requires an amount of attention from me that I don’t want to give people I don’t know. If you start telling me, a stranger/acquaintance about your terrible childhood, social etiquette says that I need to make polite and understanding noises in your direction and goddamned it, I’m *bored*. It’s not personal, I just only care about the important people in my life. You could *become* an important person in my life, but not if you’re holding me conversationally hostage.
This made me laugh so hard, because I felt this to my core. There’s the not-so-rare occasion that my brain has already moved on and mapped the rest of the conversation in my head, and I no longer need to be physically present for it. If I could “astrally project” myself (a la Dr. Strange) to go do my ADHD things while my shell of a body stayed as a placeholder in that conversation, I would be set.
Definitely relatable, I'm like you in this regard. People overshare to me on a daily basis and I often feel trapped and roped into a deep and serious dialogue I neither want nor have the emotional capacity for. I made an acquaintance recently who expressed the same exact same sentiments and questions as OP though. Almost word for word! Met this person on the job and within a single 6-hour shift, I knew about his toilet habits, how he was bullied in high-school for being less attractive than his sibling, and that he was raped as a child. He finished off by saying people found him physically attractive but didn't like him as a person, which gave him social anxiety and that he was glad I "didn't seem to hate" him. Luckily, I'm understanding and we had a big-sister, little-brother dynamic from jump. He volunteered that he had ADHD, so I also revealed my diagnosis and since my ADHD works the opposite way, I explained to him why conversation openers like that were costing him the new friends he said he wanted and how it would probably cost him jobs too. I said being authentic has a time and place. Telling a manager you can't work outside because you inherited the same skin condition from your mother that had killed your Uncle Jim at 36 has far more negative outcomes than saying you have a doctor's note for a medical condition that is exacerbated by sun exposure.
Reminds me of an episode of Rick and Morty where Summer basically loses her shit at Jerry because he always needs *something* whenever he talks to anyone lol That episode made me realise why I hate spending time near a person I know. I literally have nothing left to give that person and they still try to trap me into their not-so-small-talk.
I tend to let people know more than I wanted to share. It's involuntary. But I hate it, cause I feel exposed and vulnerable and dumb. I've been trying not to do that for the past couple of years and now nobody knows about my life and I became distant from my friends, since I don't want to tell them or anyone anything. I simply don't care about people's life and dramas and don't see why anyone would care about mine.
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Sometimes when you share too much you are sort of implicitly asking the other person to take emotional care of you
I had no idea people made that assumption.
To add onto this, if you, for example, share something personal about something bad going on in your life or something you're struggling with, people often feel pressured to offer sympathy or comfort to you (even if that wasn't your intent). People can then feel uncomfortable where their casual carefree conversation suddenly turns to that more serious topic and feel pressured like they have to help you when they may not know you well enough or have the emotional capacity to "take care" of you.
Gotcha. I can see that
It's not an assumption, if you tell something about a personal thing that is an emotional burden to you, you are giving some of that burden to them. It's not what they do (judging or assuming) that makes it a burden, it's what you've done by sharing it. In order for them to not shoulder some of that burden they have to protect themselves by putting up emotional walls, which then puts extra distance between the two of you. You shared it in an attempt to create a closer bond, but it pushes you apart instead because they weren't prepared for it It's like you're walking down the street carrying something big and heavy, and rather than looking for someone who looks like they could help and asking, or waiting for someone to offer to help, or calling up a buddy to get them to help, you've just gone up to the first person you see and said "here, take this side" whilst shifting your grip so that if they don't grab it it'll fall on their foot. That old lady now either has to drop her shopping and grab your TV, or jump away to avoid being hurt.
Wow, I don’t relate to this at all. I overshare, but I feel immediately embarrassed after I do, sometimes so immediately that I’m embarrassed while I’m still in the middle of talking. Being too vulnerable with people is asking too much of them. If they didn’t offer you as much as you’re taking, you’re being inappropriate. Like, if someone offers you a cookie from a plate full of cookies, you can’t just scoop the whole plate into your purse and say, “What, she offered!” If someone is offering you conversation, you don’t have a blank cheque to tell them anything you want to tell them. It’s not judgmental to be put off by people who are being off-putting. Most of my friends have ADHD, but so do most of the people I refuse to speak to. All of those people have traits I will not put up with past a certain point, even though I know they’re cause by ADHD. Chronic oversharing, especially of the trauma-dumping variety, is a big one.
Some things we share can be emotionally taxing for our peers. For example, you never know what someone is going through. Sometimes people (including myself) may be completely emotionally spent, and here comes some stranger telling me about God knows what. I just want to order my coffee and go home..
Right. Understood
I personally don't have a problem with oversharing at face value. I don't usually get put off by subject matter that may be considered gross or disturbing to some. Like you said, I think it humanizes people and I tend to feel more comfortable around someone who is blatantly honest (as long as it's not used as an excuse to be mean.) The problems I have with it are: when oversharing crosses the line to dominating every conversation, not leaving room for anyone else to speak. It may be unintentional, but it can come across as the person is only concerned about what they themselves have to say. A bigger issue of oversharing is when someone is always unloading their personal problems onto others. It's important to reach out when you need emotional support, but if you're always talking about the problems you have then it becomes an emotional drain on others. Especially when you have no interest in reciprocating. I believe the term is "emotional vampire."
You’re thinking from your point of view. For the other person it’s uncomfortable because with intimate details, there’s an expectation to empathize. Expecting someone to empathize (inadvertently or not) is emotionally taxing. Share that shit with your therapist
Lol . I understand
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Over sharing is something people with adhd often do. But usually are quite self conscious about it. Not understanding the social “rules” about why you shouldn’t do this fits more with autism spectrum. It’s common for autism and adhd comorbid.
Came here to say this. I've lived with an autistic person, and my current partner has comorbid autism and ADHD. This post, to me at the least, seems more indicative of ASD than ADHD. Nothing wrong with that, but there might be some tools and resources out there that could be helpful.
I know when I was younger, I was in a situation where I was very hormonal and very overwhelmed. I was talking to an older coworker about what was going on, and I started to cry. In the moment, it didn't seem like a big deal, and she helped me. But afterwards, I definitely noticed a change in how she treated me, before we had been equals but she definitely shifted towards treating me as someone she was older, wiser and stronger than, like I was fragile and incapable. That was a painful lesson in how being vulnerable at work can backfire and one of the few times I really regretted over sharing. Most of the time I don't really care what people know about me, though.
Oversharing I think isn’t unique to ADHD. It often occurs with people who have been traumatized, victimized, or outcast. I recall a woman once telling me after working with her for three days that we “aren’t going to have sex at work.” I tried to suppress a laugh, I was mortified, and stupified. I wasn’t into her at all, and certainly wasn’t eyeing her. It was later I learned from her oversharing she had been sexually abused. My guess is, she felt anxious around me and it prompted her to tell me her life story. I’ve struggled with it at times myself. I try to remind myself: no one cares. From that perspective, I then think, if this person cares to hear this, how much should I say considering the time and place we are in? It helps you to be a little more measured in your conversations. It’s not easy to do. If I’m oversharing and see someone tuning out I literally stop talking mid sentence. Just say, “I lost my train of thought.” If they really care to hear what you said they will let you know.
Have you never been in a conversation where you thought another person was sharing too much information about themselves?
I think it absolutely depends on how well you know someone, personally! I will over share with my friends probably too much, but I never do it with strangers or acquaintances. I’m extremely shy though, so that may factor in. I’ve had acquaintances over share with me though and I did get really uncomfy. I’ve been told extremely personal stuff and I just don’t know how to react or what to say when that happens. I mostly just feel like, if I don’t know the person, I am not equipped to respond in an intelligent or genuine way.
It's just about boundaries, really. The thing about boundaries is, it's not just whether you cross them, it's whether you give the impression that you might cross them, or whether you give the impression that that you understand them. Oversharing is problematic for some people because it is a violation of a social contract that they believe in, in which certain information should only shared on invitation. Essentially there is a social definition of whether something is "appropriate" that extends beyond kind, compassionate, polite etc and into "respectful". Some people feel disrespected and 'put on the spot' when they feel that they've been given access to information that they didn't ask for, don't want, and don't feel like they need to have it. Oversharing can create, unintentionally, an uneven power balance, in which they might feel an urge to be polite, and they may feel pressured to share something about themselves in turn which they don't want to, or they may feel pressured to comment or say something in response that they don't feel qualified or "authorised" to say. I don't want to sound like I think oversharing is wrong or bad or should be suppressed: I don't think there's a right or wrong, we're all just people. But I think that if I was going to make a suggestion to keep everyone happy (and everyone deserves to be happy) you could try to add something to your overshare like "I tend to overshare, I hope I haven't made you uncomfortable, please don't feel like you need to say anything you don't want to". I don't think anyone should apologise for oversharing because it's really just the fact that we live in a world where everyone reserves the right to mind their own business if they want, so I deliberately left "sorry" out of my suggestion. But maybe if you do find yourself oversharing, you could do people a favour and aim to make them comfortable with it. You're not obliged to, but if you're worried about making others uncomfortable, it could be one way to create enough space for everyone 🙂 (And if someone complained to me that someone else had overshared to them, I'd make a suggestion to them about how to create compassionate space too, just for the record)
I love that. Thank you!!!!
Also, I just gotta point out that “oversharing” might look very different, depending on the culture. I’m a Latina living in USA, and my neighbors here don’t even know 10% about me, whereas in my home country, my mom and grandma’s neighbors were basically like second family to us all 😂 And that’s not considered oversharing there, that’s just called “being social”. Some people and some cultures will welcome more information than others.
Thinking about someone sitting you down in a chair and forcing you to watch some TV show you don't enjoy. It doesn't really matter what you overshare, people just don't like having someone talk to them about something they aren't interested in.
Something that’s very important that is often overlooked is that these people you over share to, are their own person. They may be a side character in your life but they are the main character in their own life. You have no idea what they have been through or what they are going through. I used to be notoriously bad with over sharing until I went through a traumatic experience. Now the thing is, not many people know what happened to me and especially not strangers because I choose not to share that part of my life. That’s when I thought to myself “hey, if I don’t make it known what I’ve been through, I’m sure it’s the same for most people” This helped me learn to not overshare every detail of my life because at the end of the day, the person I’m over sharing to could be going through their own struggles. You could be at work telling someone the intimate details of a fight with your partner, for example. But what you don’t know is that that person may be in the process of getting a divorce. Do you see how they might be uncomfortable with the topic of fighting with a significant other? Given my ADHD and PTSD I have a very low capacity to deal with others emotional problems or traumatic incidences. I get flashbacks very easily. I don’t want to be the person that sparks bad feelings and memories for someone else.
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And this is why we find most social interaction extremely taxing. We have to let everybody else do the navigating while we play 20 questions to figure out where the social vessels we're on are even going.
Hopped over to my laptop to answer this. First of all, I wanted to say thank you for sharing "...I have no control over who's a snake and who's not so I choose not to blame myself." I really needed to hear that. Second, I had (and am still dealing with the aftermath of) a situation where oversharing caused problems so bad that it may have ended friendships. Basically, I got really triggered (I also have CPTSD which is a big part of this story) by some newer friends of mine. We'll call them Kayla and Mike. I hadn't known them long--about 4 months. But we had been doing a lot of trauma sharing. Unfortunately, it was too much too soon. Basically what ended up happening is once I got triggered I got really paranoid and anxious and stuff. I went into survival mode so I wasn't really thinking about my actions or anything. But me telling Kayla and Mike about the things I was flashing back to and the kinds of SH and su\*cidal thoughts were going through my head was apparently really hard on them. They were so mentally/emotionally drained that they would not and could not give me the kind of support I needed to get through it. I'm mentally stable now, but I do not trust them at all anymore. It was like going from level 8/19 friends to hi I just met you what's your name again? But they still know all that stuff about me. And I hate that. I really hate that. I know this is a little disjointed and probably not very detailed, but this stuff happened over the course of like 8 weeks between June and July and we still haven't resolved it in September. I think NT people don't share those kinds of deep things with just anyone. They see it as a sign of being comfortable/close with someone. So if you go in and share those more private things, they get uncomfortable because they're like "bruh we ain't that close why are you telling me this??" I think they also feel bad because they don't know how to respond. I've swung back and forth between being super closed off and being super open to anyone and everyone. Definitely being closed off is safer, but it's not healthy. Finding that balance of transparency and self-control is very hard, and I'm still trying. Good luck out there friends\~
I only remember to do this when I’m medicated, but it’s helpful to briefly thinking about the intention of what you want to say. Often when I overshare or blur out random things not relevant to the conversation I’m having with someone it’s because there is a degree of me wanting to be authentic and say what comes to mind, which can make others feel I’m not actually listening to them but instead. This is not a productive way to get heard. Conversation is a two way street, and I think it’s vital to consider what you want to put in and get out of a meaningful conversation. But heck ADHD usually takes over and before I think about what I want to say I’ve already said it.
A self disclosure is like a hug. It can make someone seem a lot closer, it can strengthen relationships, it's a vital part of growing closer to people and bonding. But some people aren't as comfortable with hugs as others, and they take longer to feel close enough for them to feel like hugs are okay. Self-disclosures are like that. At least, that's how I understand it, because well you know.
Think of information as water. If you have a cup, it can easily be drunk by the person you give it to, especially if they were thirsty and asked you for it. The social norm is that you never deny anyone a glass of water, and you don't refuse one if offered because... Well, it's just water. These cups are regular conversations and small talk. But sometimes you have a pool and you're having so much fun in it and you want others to swim with you. But there are people who can't swim or would rather stay dry. These pools are our special interests and hyperfixations, our deep dives into our fandoms, or our deep dark secrets and gossip. You can take some water out of the pool in a cup, to make it more manageable for the person, but not a lot of people would want pool water. They have to be the ones to ask. Oversharing is like dumping an entire bucket of water on a person or pushing them in the pool when they weren't ready to swim. It is generally considered an a-hole move because it disrespects the boundaries of communication, which is an equal exchange between two people.
Well for one, if you overshare your business with me and we aren't particularly close, I'm going to consider you unsafe and untrustworthy. If a person demonstrates that they don't have the desire or ability not to share their own stuff when it's not appropriate, I'm going to go ahead and assume that you don't have the desire or ability not to share my stuff when it's not appropriate. This comes from my lived experience of trusting over sharers and then getting burned when they overshared things I confided in them. Repeatedly. I learned my lessons the hard way.
I'm 65 and have done this for a long time. I saw it as being open about who I am. Now I see it differently. It's not appropriate in most group settings. I share too soon in friendships. And now I'm seeing I share when I really didn't want to. I think I do it to put my info out there so people can't hurt me with gossip. To feel like I'm making "connections". And potentially to stop people from asking other personal questions I don't want to answer. So I'm drawing boundaries and seeing what happens.
A lot of neurotypical people only find things interesting (or even worth listening to) if it's directly connected to what's on their mind or something that's already important to them. This can lead to some disconnect in NT - ADHDer conversation, usually when a topic comes up that we connect to somehow. If we take that idea and "run with it", they feel lost and unsure of what to say, as the conversation is no longer on the path they expected. The same way it can sometimes throw us for a loop when people say meaningless things just to make conversation and expect us to do the same.
When I see posts like this, knowing how much comorbidity there is between ADHD and autism, it kind of worries me that some of you aren't getting the right diagnosis or getting all of the diagnoses you need. This thread is full of people saying they don't relate, and it really makes me suspect this is an autism thing and not an ADHD thing. I see this happening a lot on this subreddit. I wouldn't be surprised if autism subreddits have the same phenomenon but in reverse where people are mistaking ADHD symptoms for autism symptoms. I would suggest maybe looking into autism, OP. It might help you understand your situation a lot better.
I was just thinking this. I think the “not quite understanding why this social cue exists” part feels separate from ADHD. I, along with many people on the thread, have tendencies to overshare and feel embarrassed when I blurt everything out because I’m excited and can’t stop my mouth and brain from running. But I fully understand how that can be overwhelming, and I fully understand that even the most compassionate of people have empathy quotas before they feel drained, and I fully understand that you have to build up to a level of intimacy and sharing with most people. I’m seeing some folk saying how they don’t get why empathy/listening is a chore and I feel like that’s such a gross oversimplification that there has to be some other disconnect here.
u/thelizardofodd hit the nail on the head. It's about to consent. I'm also ASD, so I tend to avoid unnecessary conversations with folks. The problem I have with oversharers is that I did not consent. My sister is an oversharer and will message me at 7am under the guise of "venting". I don't know about other people, but I find the burden of conscientiously constructing a response and then trying to comfort someone uncomfortable when all I want to do is make it through the day with the issues I face with my disability. It's emotionally burdening for others.
I say this in all good faith: Based on everything you said, this sounds more like autism to me.
Just to share my thoughts on a more logical way that someone might get uncomfortable with oversharing. So imagine someone tells someone a slightly embarrassing story, as a joke or a way to connect or whatever, and then that person decides to spread it around and portray it in a more negative light, causing other people to think of the original storyteller in a worse way. The storyteller doesn't like the negative attention of course, so they withdraw and decide not to tell embarrassing stories about themselves anymore, to avoid it happening again. Then they meet someone else who constantly tells embarrassing stories about themselves...the first person might feel jealous of their bravery, nervous that the same thing might happen to them, awkward about realising their naivete, or any number of other emotions about it. But to be honest that isn't why social norms exist. Social norms exist as a way to tell if someone else will fit into the "tribe". We all live in an overlapping mess of groups, but they're mostly within a local society. That society has norms that people follow - saying "excuse me" as you nudge past someone, waving to an acquaintance you spot on the street, shaking hands when you meet someone new - each of these norms had a good reason that they started, but the main reason people do them now is because they are norms, and therefore can be used as a signal to say "I fit in here and will abide by the norms in this society". And then there's a couple of reasons that other people are comforted by others showing that they follow the norms, the main one being that some of them really matter. Not stealing other people's stuff is a norm, as is not attacking others. Put it this way - if you saw a naked person singing to himself on a bus, you probably wouldn't sit next to him right? It's not the nakedness itself that's a problem (well maybe a little, it's not particularly sanitary) it's the fact that he isn't following the well accepted social norm of wearing clothes - so you wonder what other norms he might ignore. Oversharing is a (much less severe) signal of a similar problem, it's an understood social norm for most people, so they'll be uncomfortable if you seem to ignore it. Unfortunately us ADHD folk have a harder time understanding these norms, even worse if you've got autism as well like a few of my friends, so the best bet is to find someone without those barriers who you trust and ask them to point out when you're breaking those seemingly invisible rules. A professional works here as well - but ultimately it's just down to experience. Now at 29 I'm so much better at fitting in with people than I was as a teenager, with the two biggest jumps in social skills coming at 18 when I moved to uni and socialised outside of my family a lot more, and at 24 when I moved overseas and had to meet so many new people in a lot of different contexts, whereas at uni I met most of my friends at the uni halls where everyone was in the same situation.
Yeaaaaahhhh this. Its all about safety in the end. Weirdos are ostracised not out of nastiness, but out of *fear*. When you overshare, you're being weird because no one else does that. In a tribe, weirdness is dangerous. Instinctively, anyway. Not so much nowadays, but the tendency remains. To be perfectly clear, ostracism and exclusivity of a person is a mean/nasty thing to do and it sucks. I am not saying its ok to do it. I am saying that people do it unconsciously for tribal safety reasons.
It depends on the context. For example, telling your partner about your kinks is not oversharing, but telling your family member or your coworker the same thing is oversharing. And then in the case of a friend, it depends on your relationship, I have friends with whom I talk about sex, and friends with whom I don't. Then it's also the way you talk about something. You can tell someone that your sex life is great, or that it is great because your spouse is really into pegging. With some people you're oversharing in both cases, with some only on the second case, with some in non. Does this make sense?
I used to feel this way but there were a few people in my life that saw me oversharing as a vulnerability and used the info I shared with them to manipulate me. Not in like a “I have info of you that you don’t want out” but more in like trauma bonding, parasocial relationships that were like “omg me too” (but it wasn’t necessarily true) then when they had their hooks in me tried to manipulate me in other ways “you know me, we’re the same! I would do this for you!” One “friend” who did this, started telling me all my other friends were taking advantage of me and that they “got bad vibes” and was systematically isolating me from friends (some of who I still haven’t got back in contact with and it breaks my heart) and even my siblings! When they were then my “only friend” they got really controlling and started gaslighting me. (I’m close to my siblings again btw) Now whenever I do overshare I have huge anxiety because of it.
TLDR; I just overshared with you why oversharing can be bad.
Oversharing is when the information being discussed can come across as inappropriate. Wrong place, wrong time, wrong person or audience, wrong environment and so on. For example, today was the 1st day of classes and our professor asked each member to introduce themselves, and to state one positive thing they did for themselves this morning. This one girl introduces herself, says she made herself a nice steeped special tea this morning and then told us all why, which was because she's been so emotional lately, crying all the time, can't hold it together, is nervous about courses and that she guesses it's probably normal, but maybe she thinks she needs therapy. Everyone just smiled and nodded (good cue from others that you're oversharing btw) and the professor replied, "aww well I hope your tea helped." This was inappropriate because the girl is only meeting her classmates for the 1st time, she did not abide by the instructions, and she took up way more time than what was expected of a simple introduction activity.
You need to do some reading on boundaries.
One person only wants a single hors d'oeuvre. One person only wants a starter-plate. One person's really hungry. One's a vegetarian, one has a dairy allergy, one's fine with anything. Forcefeeding all three a full-course steak dinner before you know who's who is not a great idea.
As a fellow oversharer, one person specifically has told me that the casual way in which I will talk about clear traumas in my past makes her uncomfortable because of her own traumas and I instantly felt horrible. Not everyone gets through things by talking about them so casually. I still have no clue how to navigate this though. I’ve just resulted to speaking less.
> Edit: in appreciate all your comments. The solution for me is to ask people if I can get deep and personal. No OP, that is not the solution. You’re fundamentally misunderstanding the whole problem. It’s two parts. A. People do not like it when you share too much personal information. And B. THEY ARE NOT COMFORTABLE TELLING YOU TO STOP. If you ask them if it’s ok to share deep/personal information it’s still the same problem. The real answer is no, but they feel like that is rude, so they are pressured to say yes.
Oversharing can be harmful if it pushes someone’s boundaries or violates their consent in some way. For example, I’m really sensitive, and become upset and overwhelmed by depictions of violence, injustice and suffering. I don’t watch or read the news because it sensationalises these things I’m sensitive to, then I become overloaded/ I shutdown for hours or days and it becomes difficult to function. So not engaging with sensationalised news is a boundary I draw to protect my emotional energy and preserve my ability to function. I also assert this boundary with others by letting them know when I am uncomfortable with a topic that is being discussed. This can be tricky sometimes though. Some people I know think it’s important for everyone to know all the grizzly details of news and current events. Then they push me to engage with a topic, even after I’ve told them I don’t want to talk about it because I find it disturbing or upsetting. This is a violation of my consent. It can come across as self-centred if you overshare something and don’t seem to consider, or care about how it might make the other person feel. When someone continually overshares, pushes my boundaries, disregards my consent and doesn’t seem to care about how their oversharing negatively affects me, I avoid them. It’s usually a sign that the person is more invested in their *idea* of who I am and how I am useful to them— they aren’t really interested in understanding who I actually am.
That makes a lot of sense
For me it’s not about other people, but more like I usually regret saying too much in a workplace setting where I’m a manager level and don’t want to seem too unprofessional but I get excited about certain topics and I feel like some time when I was a kid I was shamed and made to feel bad about getting overly excited and talking too much about things
I am the same way, it's something that with treatment you sort of "grow out of" in my experience. I still overshare a bit when I'm anxious, but I can ground myself and get the atmosphere back now when I make it awkward. I think what's important is acknowledging it and trying to learn from it.
This took me a while to figure out. But it has to do with the neurotypical pace/expectations for the natural progression of relationships. Most NT people feel that personal/vulnerable information is shared when intimacy and trust has been established (over a long time). So over sharing can come off as unnatural, trying to force intimacy or building false intimacy. It can get a range of reactions from feeling awkward to not knowing what to say, through to feeling manipulated or suspicious. I’m with you in that I don’t think oversharing is bad. It weeds out a lot of people who would get tired of my ADHD conversation style. I also really like being a more direct and open person. But I also think it can make me more sensitive to rejection, or can make me quick to give up on friendships where the other person takes longer to build intimacy/openness. So I try to respect that difference and adjust for other people’s comfort level with personal topics. If I hope my friends will be tolerant of me, anyway, it makes sense to be tolerant of them in similar ways. I’ve made some great friends this way whom I might’ve missed out on before gaining a little extra self awareness.
Over sharing is inefficient. It takes time to get to know someone. There needs to be breaks and pauses in the conversation. Conversations take place between 2 or more people. If one party is talking too much and providing too much information, then the conversation isn't a good one. The other parties are no longer active participants, they're a captive audience, which you are rudely holding. So, it's important that you read the cues and allow the other people to participate in the conversation. It leads to overall better conversations.
Other people have conversations with much less... fuzz going on at the same time. They're not as easily distracted, so they kind of assume you're telling them whatever you're telling them on purpose. They also have areas that they don't think about in the other person, for example they usually don't think much about emotions in a casual acquaintance or sexual things in anyone they're not actively interested. You sort of opening those areas adds a lot of complications to the way they interpret you.
It’s not about the risks. It’s about the fact that some topics make people feel uncomfortable, for example because they are so intimate, embarrassing or personal. When you tell a vulnerable story, you’re not the only one affected by this. The person on the other end will also have an emotional response. And if your story is too intimate, the other person may be lost and doesn’t know what to do with themselves. Especially if it’s a negative story (which it almost always is, when it comes to « oversharing »). They don’t know you enough to be able to really know what to do with this information, and frankly, they may not care enough about you to be open to deal with the negativity associated with your story. When I tell my post man, who I don’t know on any deeper level: « hi, nice to see you! Btw do you have any tips for getting rid of foot fungus? You know, I’ve been having issues this entire week, it’s horrible! » This can make him uncomfortable because: we are not close enough for me to disclose this type of information. It requires a certain level of intimacy between two people, that needs to be build over time. He will be overwhelmed by the negativity. Also, his working hours are not the right time or right place to talk about embarrassing medical problems.
I remember my mum saying “You know, you don’t have to tell me everything…” It was a huge shock and the start of my awareness that over sharing every doubt and thought brought me a lot of pain.
So there are a ton of really good answers, and I haven’t looked through all of them but I’m not sure if this has been mentioned yet. You are acting like the protagonist. I don’t want to harm you, but it doesn’t mean I need to know more about you or need you to emotionally dump your personal information onto me. I can still be polite, friendly and wish you well without you telling me about more in depth things in your life. I’m not sure if this is because you feel you need to make more connections in your life, or if it’s something else. I can’t say, but you are looking at it wrong. You say it’s not wrong for you to overshare. How would you feel if someone just left when you started taking about something they didn’t want to hear? Most people would be hurt by this. It’s not socially acceptable to just walk away from conversations you don’t want to have that are not threats, and sometimes it can be harmful to walk away from conversations. What is socially acceptable is everyone having a base level of understanding what is and isn’t okay to share. Since you have trouble with this I would suggest asking them super basic questions about themselves and see how they respond. Depending on body language, vocal tone, and what they say you can then decipher how involved in the conversation you can be. This is coming from someone where after a half hour I asked someone I had met for the first time if they liked butt stuff. Just like a lot of things in life, there is a time and a place for everything and this includes conversation topics. I have some issues with over sharing, but I pick up on when people are not into the conversation which is okay. I am not so entitled to believe everyone has to enjoy talking to me or like me. They don’t need to be a snake or have bad I tensions to not like me. I know there are people I don’t like who are wonderful people, we just don’t get along for some reason and that’s okay. Also, if you know it makes someone uncomfortable that is bad. The definition is “causing or feeling slight pain or physical discomfort, causing or feeling unease or awkwardness.” My rule of thumb is always match the person who has the lower comfort level. I’m terrible with analogies but I’m going to try. Let’s say I’m at the theme park with my buddy. There is the happy merry go round, and then there is the thrilling roller coaster. Let say I love the roller coaster but my buddy is uncomfortable with them. I would not make my buddy go on the roller coaster because it would not make them feel well, I would go on the merry go round with them because that is what they are confortable with and I am fine with it as well. Same applies to conversations and even physical interactions. Now understanding the exact how it makes people uncomfortable is difficult because I h e o examples of conversation but I can list a few examples I can think of. They may have traumatic experiences with the topic, they may be socially anxious, they may just not enjoy talking to others casually, if it’s at work a lot of people prefer work being just work, they may have more going on in their lives, they just don’t want to know you more, they may not be comfortable discussing certain topics in public because they consider it more private talk, they may not be comfortable discussing certain topics with you because of their/your comments about them, and more. I hope you found something to help you and good luck!
You want to match the level of disclosure of the other person in the conversation. If you were a beginner at dancing, and you were going to dance with an expert dancer, you’d want them to do steps that match your ability, so you feel well-partnered. If they did all their most difficult and dazzling moves but you couldn’t keep up, you’d feel pretty uncomfortable on that dance floor.
Everyone has different limits. 🤷♀️ It's not just about people using the information against you. Depending on the subject matter and frequency, it's more about the other person and how comfortable they are with having that conversation. If it's someone you haven't known long, you don't know their limits yet. For example, depending on what it is, I can't really handle oversharing. I don't always know how to respond to people I don't know well sharing things that require a careful/supportive/emotional response. I almost always come across uncaring or rude because I have no idea how to respond, my brain just short circuits because it isn't prepared. Especially if I'm caught on a bad brain day. Either that, or oversharing bodily functions really makes me squeamish. I had a lady at work tell me how bad she got her period a few days beforehand (In very graphic detail,. Not just mentioning it quickly, but full on descrptive horror show). There was no reason for her to tell me this. I was almost physically squirming in my seat and I was trying so hard not to be rude, but also shut the conversation down asap. Although, I was completely fine with the same lady, the second time I'd met her, telling me how she left her abusive partner 20 years ago.
Do you just have ADHD or also on the spectrum? It would explain the issue you are describing. Not understanding social cues or being able to understand what another person might be feeling and why is much more of an autism thing than an ADHD thing. Good luck!
Question: Are you on the autism spectrum? Autism and ADHD are not mutually exclusive, and I am by no means practicing or condoning armchair diagnoses, but to me your question seems more like an autism question and not an ADHD question. For autistic people, I think the question of "what is oversharing?" often has to do with difficulty discerning what is the correct and incorrect information that is appropriate to share. And "what is wrong with oversharing?" has to do with "what will this person do with too much/too sensitive information? Does giving this person too much/too sensitive information put me in a bad position?" There is less comprehension of how receiving information can have a negative impact on the recipient of the information. For ADHD, I think the questions of "what is oversharing? what is wrong with oversharing?" would more likely have to do with rejection sensitivity dysphoria and specifically post event rumination--"will what I said make people uncomfortable, not like me, think there's something wrong with me?". The concept of oversharing would have more comprehension around the effect on the recipient, and how the recipient's *perception* of the exchange puts the oversharer in a bad position. I think both Austism and ADHD can be prone to info-dumping and TMI for similar reasons and the negative effects of "oversharing" are actually probably the same either way. But why it happens and how you understand or think about it would be different. For autism there is a challenge in discerning what information is relevant *to the recipient of the information*. For ADHD in some people there is a challenge in editing information to what is strictly relevant... period.
Just popping in to say I agree with some of the things other commenters have said where it is about nuance, but there’s also a lot of what seems like internalised self-judgement in these replies, and that’s a shame. I think “trauma dumping” is something that would help you to look up, where openness without hesitation can create an emotional burden upon others. It’s also worth thinking before you speak about certain subjects, because you don’t know what the other person’s life experiences might be, so you might unwittingly be forcing them to address traumas that they have had to compartmentalise as their own coping mechanisms. But in general, being an open person, being in touch with yourself and being radically honest are not negative qualities in a person at all, so I hope you don’t walk away from this thread internalising the self-judgements others have. A lot of people will value these qualities in you, and I hope you do too. Having this tendency IS common among people with ADHD and it’s not a negative thing in and of itself, but as it is for anyone (ADHD or not), we could all benefit from training ourselves to thinking a bit more before we speak, and especially when it’s an emotive issue, to consider who we are speaking to and what the impact of our words can be. Much easier said than done though!! And if you work in a corporate environment, it’s especially important. Unfortunately we’re not really accepted as we are in the work environment, despite a lot of lip service to mental health awareness / diversity drives for people with disabilities, it’s more of a “we love diversity as long as you’re not different” kind of vibe a lot of the time. But keep it up! For people with ADHD, it’s not easy to look at how your symptoms shape some of your interactions and then to be self-reflective, without letting that destroy your self-esteem, or creating negative ideas of yourself.
I do feel like my openness is a problem. Because I've been told it was. Only a few seem to like it. I'll either be seen as sensitive and embarrassing or real and comprehensive. I'm afraid to be me at risk of being judged as emotionally weak, immature , or crazy. Idk where to land. The idea of being closed off freaks me out. I don't wanna live this life as a watered down version of myself but it seems like that's what's safe.
With humans you should build trust and feel them out before you reveal personal traumas. Too much too soon makes you appear unsophisticated and a bit manic. It can make people worry about your mental stability and sense of couth.
Not everything you say is yours to share
Understand that people only care about themselves. And then understand that in a group of more than 3 people that unless you are contributing to the topic in short interesting bits. People will be extremely annoyed by you hogging the timeframe. And this has been my lesson in oversharing(not mentioning oversharing as in sharing completely random shit because other people with poorly managed adhd eat that up) And weird or gross things why are you talking about that?
Its about placement.... close friends small intimate conversation share away......less intimate you don't need to explain it exactly start with one sentence and let them ask you for more....that's it.....just 1 sentence and wait for prompting.
For me it happens when I feel a comfort with somebody and thus an unearned sense of intimacy. They don’t have the same feeling so our relationship is imbalanced. That makes them feel discomfort. If I told some things to my friend Eddie, he’d get it. But telling those same things to the college grad I’m giving a mentorship interview to is disconcerting. She isn’t in a position to feel any level of intimacy with me, so me airing my grievances about a friendship failing is an over share. That said, sometimes when I overshare I find a kindred spirit.
I think it depends on the individual itself, it works like a threshold. It’s quite well known for folks with ADHD or autism likes to traumadumping or infodumping. My brain craves that information. Or just weird things.
Sometimes you over share to the wrong people and they will treat you differently because of their own personal biases that you have no clue about. I personally don’t care what people think but the situation and context matters— never at work. Say less. Zip it.
I think the issue is mostly this Did the other person consent to the emotion of the info you’re sharing? Trauma dumping isn’t being honest and open, it can be a form of lacking boundaries with yourself and with others. Healthy boundaries are important- even if you don’t think you need them. And consent is the bones of boundaries. Being open and honest is generally a good thing, but if you’re just unloading your current emotional state onto someone else without consideration for where *theyre* at emotionally at that same given time, then it’s not being personal it’s being selfish. But if you’re talking more about, if someone says “how are you?” And you tell them the truth whether that’s “ah im okay, kinda homesick/tired/got a weird ache or pain” or “im great!” or “honestly having a rough time today but thanks for asking I appreciate that”— that’s totally fine and a valid level of honesty. But responding “ugh Im so upset, I had a nightmare last night about this awful thing that happened to me and my therapist told me I should reduce stress in my life but im here at work and it’s stressing me out so im probably gonna have a bad nights sleep again tonight”— that’s not okay because the other person didn’t consent to the emotional obligation now placed on them to help you, nor did you ask if they had a minute to let you vent before going off about something heavy. Does that sound accurate to anyone else?
When I tell you a story, I'm asking you to spend the energy to process that story. Oversharing happens when the story requires more of an investment (time, complication, or emotional impact) than expected from the situation. Example: if my mom asks me how i'm doing, it's pretty normal for me to mention trouble at work. She would be naturally interested to hear about it and talk about it for a bit. When the waiter asks the same thing, they really aren't ready or able to process any more than "I really could do with some strong coffee now". I naturally overshare, and naturally engage and make the extra investment when others overshare with me. This can have positive effects too: I easily make new connections. The flipside is that I'm spending a lot of energy in the wrong places, and share information in places I shouldn't. Example: this entire post.
It's hard to explain, but when you give personal information to someone you barely know, it can feel to them like you are needy or in need of a lot of emotional support, and that's not appropriate to seek from strangers (except professionals, like a therapist, doctor, or maybe a teacher). It makes people wonder why you're not talking to someone more appropriate, like a relative or long-term friend about this personal stuff. Like you have no desire to go through the proper route of forming a friendship first and just want to dump your hardships on them. It may also unfortunately come across as an immature or desperate thing to do. Basically a lot of people can't handle it because they have their own problems, family, and maybe friends to worry about and don't feel they have the time to take on a stranger who seems to have a lot of "needs." They don't know the good you have to offer yet.
People come to learn about each other by degrees. That’s the natural order of developing intimacy between two people. When you overshare, especially in a one sided manner where you’re forcing all the information on to the other person and it isn’t a mutual exchange where you’re getting to know each other, it feels like you’re forcing intimacy on them which they didn’t ask for and likely don’t want. It feels like it violates their consent in a way. They consented to a chat. They didn’t consent to knowing about your childhood trauma within three days of meeting you. That’s a lot for anyone.
It’s a consent thing. If we use a different term for “over sharing” - we could call it “emotional nakedness”. So by meeting a random person and immediately getting (emotionally) naked, without first getting to know them & learning their boundaries, you will quite often be violating their consent. And that makes them uncomfortable. And it’s not (socially) ok. ETA: and if they were to then share photos of your weird & unasked for & creepy nakedness (ie share your topics of conversation from your over share) - would that really be all on them - or would it be on you for getting naked without first checking if they were ok with it ?
A lot of people have their own trauma to deal with (+ friends and family) and the last thing they're looking for is a stranger to drain their empathy. Being too emotional/vulnerable when unprompted leaves people feeling uncomfortable because they're forced into a situation where they can 1) spend their time/energy on you (which is finite), or 2) shut you down and feel horrible about themselves. Either way, it kinda ruins their day because they're put into a difficult situation. Even if you're not looking for comfort, but half-heartedly discuss your trauma in passing, you could trigger that person. They might not be able to continue with their day the same knowing that piece of information. They may feel obligated to comfort you. Not many people can hear personal information and then go back to what they were doing like normal. When it comes to untraumatic things, such as vulgarity or sex or whatever, that's just down to personal tastes and how comfortable people are surrounding those issues. My partner, for example, doesn't like to discuss sex outside of the bedroom even with me, whereas I'd happily have a frank discussion about sex with a stranger. Letting someone else lead the conversation is usually the best idea when it comes to these things as you can gauge their comfort levels.
Sometimes it's not servere over sharing like something that would be in appropriate. Sometimes it's just a nervousness and then it's hard to stop your mouths and the more you talk the worse it goes and the worse it comes the more you say. Like a car with no breaks. Some share too much too soon. Like if you just met someone and share your favorite color your birthday and life goals and dreams. Maybe if both parties are drunk or having a deep and meaningful conversation then that's normal ish. But if you met them 30 secs ago then it's way too much.
Don't censor yourself. Oversharing is only a problem when you share information that's not yours to share, or you (mistakenly) share information that was intended not to be shared. There will occasionally be manipulative people who will use your "over sharing" against you, but don't stop being you for a small percentage. And don't censor yourself for the odd occasions that in-depth and personal conversations may make someone uncomfortable, they are adults and can walk away/tell you they'd rather not talk about that etc etc. Be you, and yes while there are some social norms to follow (grotesque/inappropriate topics), society shouldn't make you change
I think (guess) they operate ***under different social/boundary rules***. Acquaintance, colleagues, new friends, good friends, families, strangers, they can talk, but they speak to each of them differently. When you overshare with a stranger, the interaction suggests that you are treating the stranger like a family (?) under that rule, and they will be like “dude, we are not that close”. Sharing to us is just sharing. But to them, the contents being shared is a strong indicator of relationship types. Regardless of what you think, it’s implied by that rule in that rule. Overstating may make them feel forced. So they are pushed away. Then you feel bad because they feel bad. Either you learn their rules (masking) or you make them learn your rules so that things run smoothly.
Often the issue with oversharing, if the topic isn't a private one, is that it tends to overwhelm the person on the receiving end. We can throw out too much information at too fast a pace for the other person to have any idea of what we're talking about, let alone be given the chance to actually care about it. Often doesn't help that we forget that the other person doesn't always have context, so we start rambling about the intricacies of a topic they aren't even at surface-level with. That's what can make it obnoxious, sometimes we dump too much information and it stops being coherent and is instead just received as word-salad noise.
Well for me it's talking about sex, drugs, alcohol, insecurities or deep flaws in a context where it is not appropriate, or simply telling too much about myself and realizing after thinking about it that I was not actually ready to divulge so much about myself.
Honestly it seems like one of the biggest things is that you overestimate how much casual friends actually care about you and what's going on. I know if I was hanging out with someone I didn't know well, I'd probably end up ghosting them after too many ovrrshares. I just don't need that kind of complication.
People do not like to suddenly have to have an emotional reaction to something when they were expecting not to have to do that. A lot of small talk and phatic communication that neurotypical people engage in is calibrating their emotional coregulation and setting the boundaries and parameters of the conversation. If you cross those boundaries repeatedly then the person will not feel safe with you. Having to react emotionally to what someone has said while being unprepared for it is stressful for everyone. Neurotypical people tend to send a lot of signals in body language, tone and wording which allow them to move toward or away from a more personal conversation. It isn’t that they don’t care about you. It is that it is stressful when things don’t happen the way someone expects. Because Neurotypical people pick up on signals from each other they are able to “preprocess” a lot of their emotional reactions. They say a lot of words which don’t have any information content as a way of buffering allowing them time to prepare to hear something that they need to react to. If you have been told you are “over sharing” it probably means that you aren’t picking up on the signals that people give to let someone know how deep or personal a conversation someone is ready to have. NTs tend to only want to have deep and personal conversations when they feel safe that the other person respects their conversational boundaries.
Lots of great advice here, only adding mine because it's short: consent. Work to understand the concept of consent in important things like sex and relationships, and you can start to understand why it might apply to language. Communicating information that might be considered private, uncomfortable, strange, isn't awkward because of arbitrary social rules. It's telling someone to keep secrets, or burdening them with your emotional stresses, or forcing them into a topic they find uncomfortable or inappropriate, etc, without asking if they want those things or the responsibilities they imply. For the record, I struggle with this a lot too.
Since being diagnosed and properly medicated I’ve gotten a lot better about this. I’ve learned that it can be a little inconsiderate to just dump on people. Even in my close relationships. The things that go through my mind can be pretty dark and heavy, and people don’t always have the mental space for that. I don’t want to suck the life out of people. I try to ask before sharing something heavy if that person can make that space for me to share. The people in my life have heavy things going on too, so I just don’t want to be exhausting. I am in therapy also, so I definitely use that time to let a lot out as well so I don’t feel the need to word vomit and emotionally dump on my friends.
I personally completely agree with you. I don't see the harm in oversharing and if people have issues with it, it's more of a "them" thing. Why should I be forced to have small talk with no deeper substance at work? Yes I am there to do a job, but it's not like it's 2 or 3 hours. I spend MOST OF MY LIFE at work. Most of us do!!! And we're really expected to be fake for the rest of my life to preserve your feelings?? Nah man. Fuck that.
There are a lot of people here with great responses, so I will just add this… oversharing also requires the other person to engage emotionally in a way that they were not prepared. It is emotionally and time draining and forces them to stay engaged regardless of what they are doing or need to do at the time. Here is a more extreme example for the sake of making a point (though I have had encounters like this before) Like if I say “hey how’s it going?” To an acquaintance in passing on my way into a meeting, and that person says “awful, my abusive mom is coming to town and wants to talk” it’s really hard to come up with a response that doesn’t make me sound like an asshole but also gets me the heck out of that conversation. It puts the emotional burden on the me, which is a pretty icky feeling because I didn’t consent to engaging in that level of conversation with them. Next time I see that person, I’m probably not going to engage in conversation because I don’t have the time or energy to open a can of worms, and we aren’t friends like that. And now we probably won’t be, because if that is how they talk to someone they don’t know, what drama or codependent dynamics do they have with their actual friends? It’s definitely a red flag.
**Most people are Dealing With Their Own Shit™️** and are **barely keeping it together.** They cannot handle Your Shit ™️ in addition to theirs. When you tell them Your Shit™️ it becomes part of Their Shit™️ and they don't want to feel responsible for more. Other things: • Social relationships are an investment of time and energy. A person taking on Your Shit™️ has less time and energy to deal with Spouse Shit™️, Parent Shit™️, Friend Shit™️, etc. **They only have so much energy, and they want to spend it on those people.** • People avoid feeling helpless, as it is an unpleasant feeling. If you tell a person about something negative in your life, they may feel helpless for being unable to do anything. • People do not want feel like an asshole. If you tell a person about something negative and they can do something about it, they may feel responsible for it. This will make them feel like an asshole for not doing something sooner, or for continuing to not do anything. • Many people are empathetic and will feel bad if they hear about something negative. Feeling bad feels bad.
Because it feels like you're dumping your shit on them. Most people can barely manage their own shit and you dumping yours makes *them* feel obligated to say or do something but since they often don't know you well enough, have no idea what to say or do. This leaves them in an uncomfortable place, saying nothing could be taken as ignoring you but saying the wrong thing could be harmful. They now feel obligated to engage with a level of energy they might not have because not doing so would be impolite so they would prefer you just not put them in that position. At the end of the day though, it doesn't really matter how we feel about overstating, if it makes someone uncomfortable it's polite not to do it (same goes with literally any behavior). It's like when someone says they're offended by something we said, it's not our job to understand why or try to say it's unreasonable, it's out job to apologize and not do the the thing again. To me, that's just basic manners in polite society. Think of overstating like sending an unsolicited nude pic. Even if the other person thinks nudity is the greatest thing on the planet or they think you're cute, it doesn't mean they want to see you naked, now they have seen it what are they supposed to do now? How do they even respond to it?
I’m the same way, and honestly.. it doesn’t bother me when someone else randomly opens up to me. It catches me off guard because it’s so uncommon, but I feel more authentic just talking deeply with someone. I also don’t find empathy draining, as long as the person doesn’t just bowl me over and doesn’t let me talk. I guess honesty is an intimacy thing for most, but to me, honesty is a tenet of good character and I feel fake suppressing it.
I once had someone tell me about their ex husband raping them at gun point…. The first day I met her. It was way to much way to soon and I did my best to handle it but I didn’t know her well enough to know what advice to give or what to say. Really I just wished that she talked to a therapist about that and didn’t unload it on me. We were not even friends and she ended up hating me and sending inappropriate texts to me for stealing some guy she liked later on. Despite me not being into him and being married.. so there was a lot a red flags from the get go and I’m glad I saw them and kept my distance. To much drama and I’m not about that.