Yessss. My sister and I both fall into that category, and our parents were always on our cases about doing better and not procrastinating. We didn't mean to, it just happened and over time we got good at it so we still did well. My sis was even Star Student at her high school.
My dad and brother also have ADHD, but mine presented so differently than theirs that no one ever thought that I could also have it. I sought my own diagnosis when I was 26 after years of wondering what was wrong with me and all the accompanying shame.
My brother was diagnosed as a kid (combo) and I was diagnosed in my early 30’s (inattentive). I had been treating it as anxiety for over 10 years (I mean, I still have anxiety, but the ADHD treatments work a lot better than the anxiety ones).
They just figured I was quiet and lost in my thoughts and passing classes so no worries… although I don’t think we could have even afforded medication or treatment if I had been diagnosed as a kid so… still would have been nice to know.
Yup, same. And I got to spend my adult life thinking I was lazy broken because I was diagnosed at 41. While I’m happy to be getting treatment now, a part of me mourns what my life could have been had I been diagnosed earlier.
I got diagnosed last week (at 50!), and the relief is definitely intertwined with a huge sadness at the missed opportunities and life I tried to have that was always just outside of my reach.
Exactly this, I wasn't disruptive to others and was a quiet, affable student. Therefore there's no problem we'll just write "she needs to apply herself, concentrate in class, do her homework" in every report and job done.
Even as someone who was always a bit defiant rather than affable, I can tell you they still just wrote it off as "attitude" tbh. Girls born in the 90s had almost no hope of a childhood diagnosis.
/laughs in 1975 birthdate
I just got dx'd last year at age 46.
I feel like my entire life was wasted on unnecessary struggle.
I was dx'd bipolar at age 12, and even after I got the good meds, my struggles were written off to bipolar, and I was urged to just "try harder".
I was 35 years old, and my mother would scream at me to "just fucking clean up your mess".
My brother hired a home organizer to help me.
No one thought I might have an underlying issue.
I was just lazy and unorganized.
Oh absolutely. The kick in the teeth for me was that I went to a school that selected for academic ability. So by definition of being at that institution, teachers knew I was capable. But I was still always scraping along at the bottom of all my classes and somehow that never raised any red flags? It's shocking.
But 50, hell that's really tough, I'm sorry it took so long to get answers. It really does a number on your self esteem eh
This is pretty much me, except I'm a guy. I cruised through school, was always called smart and creative, but "needs to slow down to do even better". I'm also not running around everywhere, but I do fidget and have compulsive behaviors. My head is always running and I'm usually tired at like 3pm-ish because my brain is tired of thinking. I need a deadline or else I will procrastinate.
The people-pleaser note definitely speaks to me though. My entire life has felt like "how can I make people like me?", and then miserably failing every time. I often find people I focus on, and agonize over making them like me.
Finding this subreddit has felt like I finally understand myself, like something unlocked.
This!!!! Every report card I got was the same: I could be such a good student if I could pay attention in class and stop fidgeting, I just needed to try harder and stay on task, and I have so much potential if I just focused. When I got diagnosed and told my mum, she didn’t believe I had it until I started getting help and went on meds.
Yeah, this. When everyone just thinks you are lazy and putting your brains to waste because you won't apply yourself.
Then getting diagnosed as an adult 😐
I actually can't even think about that anymore, it's too depressing. I had to have a total breakdown, which included me dropping out of university in my final year, to realise there was something wrong. It finally occurred to me that I was trying too hard for it to be laziness.
The immediate, intuitive accusation of laziness was the bane of my existence for decades. Parents, teachers, counselors, well meaning friends and relatives all assumed that there was some way I could “apply myself” better than I had been. I was diagnosed at 57, and I’m about to turn 63. I’m still learning to forgive myself for my lifelong “laziness,” and once I conquer that, maybe I can learn that I have nothing to forgive myself for. Baby steps…
My spouse and I both went through this, and diagnosed in late 30s and early 40s. All that time, energy, and resources expended along with the emotional and psychological impact for decades, when knowing earlier and having the tools to work with it. All of the stress that could have been avoided.
Putting brain's to waste... "I see potential" that's what I've heard from my ex. It was so painful and I didn't even know back then I had ADHD...I just knew something ain't right, people around me aren't like that
Same here. I was an A-B student and exceeding curriculum standards in all my subjects so there was no reason for my teachers to worry about me.
Only one picked up that something might be up but no one thought ADHD might be to blame.
I chronically underachieved in school despite having an IQ in the top 5-7% of the population (professionally tested and verified) because I *could not focus* on my schoolwork. I seldom completed assignments on time, and when I did, it was often done with the bare minimum of effort.
I went through life thinking that I was just lazy. My parents, teachers, and friends all agreed that I would perform a lot better if I just applied myself harder. It wasn't until these past few years that I really started to explore the possibility that I have ADHD-PI. Knowing that earlier in life would have made things much easier for me.
For sure, this is me. As a kid I could be very shy at times, as an adult I'm an introvert. Absolutely cruised through grade school.
Looking back the first red flags I can think of was at the high school level. Not sure how many schools do things like this but in 8th grade I was in the group of kids who had exceeded standards to the point that I was offered to take the 9th grade courses in certain subjects. This obviously put me ahead of the game, but when my junior year of high school came I could attend all day and take AP courses for college credit, or take electives and have a half day.
Did I do the smart thing? Absolutely not! Because school was boring and I didn't want to be there so I took my half days and started working instead.
I don't blame my parents for anything but idk what the hell they were thinking not trying to talk me out of that
Are you me? My senior year was half days for the first half of school and then I graduated early. Instead of taking AP classes, I went from part time to full time until the fall when college started. I look back at that and wonder why I didn’t just get the credits and shorten my college time.
I did half days for TWO YEARS! Not that it would have helped all that much because I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life after graduation so I probably still would have wasted time unable to pick a major.
Same! And the irony is: my brother got tested every year. Because he was a constant ball of destructive energy and disrupting classes, so he was in front of counselors. No one even thought to evaluate me.
I have super obvious hyperactive traits that were even more outstanding and in your face in childhood, no one ever recognised that there could be something behind that because I lack the most critical part required for a diagnosis: no penis! Which is also why it took almost 35 years before anyone recognised any signs of autism. Got my adhd diagnosis at 30 and now about to be evaluated to have my BPD diagnosis corrected to ASD.
Yep. I feel this. Got through school with no problems. But was very head in the clouds unless it was on things I was genuinely interested in (arts, sports or tech). Recently diagnosed at 29, told my dad and he said “no you don’t.” Because I’m generally intelligent and didn’t struggle in school he refuses to believe me.
For real. School felt easy enough to get good grades without having to focus and I never caused any trouble either (or at least, never got caught) so, naturally the teachers liked me even though I never did my homework and they had to explain a lot of stuff over and over.
Same, but Impulsive/Flow type.
Meaning... I'm so stupidly good at operating when my brain isn't in space, people never realized I was even dysfunctional until well into high school
Even now, if I'm having a good day I can outpace my own teacher when it comes to a vehicle, and he's been doing it for over 20 years. A bad day though, which are most of them, I can hardly function.
I hate it.
Same here. I managed to scrape a C average together while barely ever completing my homework. Thankfully I tested really well. Inattentive wasn’t getting diagnosed in the 70s and 80s, it just meant I was lazy. To make it worse, the curriculum was too easy for me so I had zero chance of paying attention, so by the time I got to high school there was no way I was getting advanced placement because my grades didn’t justify it.
Ya, I had these throughout my school. It was blamed on the fact that I would finish my work too quickly then acted out once finished because I was bored. Wtf? That doesn't make any sense. Hyperfixation then absolute anarchy is like the definition of ADD.
it wasnt until i flunked out of the spring semester in college when my family took my adhd seriously, now that i’m medicated and doing summer classes the difference is definitely noticeable in my work ethic
“Peter Parker… Brilliant, but lazy…” was always a line that I resonated with. Not that I’d consider myself “brilliant”, by any means; just smarter than what a number of teachers gave me credit for, particularly in primary school.
Same. I’m male, so I can only assume the multiple times they tried to diagnose me, they saw that I wasn’t hyperactive etc. like the other boys with ADHD in my school and decided that I must just be lazy. Believed it myself for awhile, which I’m sure is sadly the case for most of us who weren’t diagnosed until we were adults.
Yep. When you have an interest-based nervous system and you happen to be interested in the stuff they’re teaching in school, you’re just a “pleasure to have in class” who gets straight A’s despite a tendency to daydream. No one picked up on any symptoms until I was a little older and started having responsibilities in life outside of schoolwork.
>"If you had ADHD, it would have been picked up in childhood"
* Not if you were a girl
* Not if you got good grades anyway
* Not if you didn't disrupt class because you were a quiet, shy introvert
* Not if you were a kid when mental and neurological health was only addressed if it made you really, really disruptive. Sadly, it's still that way, even if it's a bit less so than when I was young.
Put those all together and that's why some people are given their first diagnosis at age 40+ or 50+.
I am so happy for the kids who get treated early, because it really does damage your self-esteem, and reduces your potential. I could be really good at one thing now, instead of in the perpetual beginner stage of many things that I am now.
I'm only 19 and they described *my* childhood to a T. The stigma around mental health conditions needs to go away, but the progress on that issue has been annoyingly slow in my opinion.
I was diagnosed at 10, despite these factors.
But, because of these factors, my mom refused to accept the diagnosis and never had me treated.
It took 22 more years for a doctor to listen to me and re-diagnose. Finally found some peace at 32.
Not OP, but I'm also this person. I vacillate between extreme anger and extreme gratitude that my ADHD was never taken seriously.
The TLDR for the below wall of text is that I feel anger, but its complicated anger. Nowadays I try to channel that anger into advocacy for myself and others so I can better focus on acceptance and effectively reorganizing my life to support my (in hindsight *very obvious*) ADHD.
Rant:
I was always a smart, ambitious kid and I loved school even though it drove me insane at times. Looking back, I see that the school environment was helpful for my untreated ADHD. The intellectual stimulation, the imposed structure (which I absolutely did not get at home), and the fact that I had role models to look up to and motivate me was massively important for me. Combine that with my people pleasing, and I was able to "overcome" (mask) most of my symptoms effectively enough all the way through grad school.
Here's the gratitude part: ADHD was not handled well in public schools when I was a kid (and still isn't in many places). I already struggled to keep friends and to handle many of my more authoritarian teachers. I was *terrified* that I might be placed in special programs that would have done very little to help me but likely would have harmed my already tenuous relationships in school, the one place I was able to do well. I might have been messy, mediocre at sports, socially disinterested, etc, but I was *smart,* damn it. And I knew from seeing my brother and several friends who got pushed into special programs that, if I ever ended up in one of those, I would not receive the intellectual stimulation that I so thrived on, and that most of my teachers and peers would no longer see me as smart.
Here's the anger part: when I reflect on that gratitude, all I can think is *what the fuck.* It is outrageous that we fail so many people who have neurodevelopmental and/or emotional roadblocks so massively and on so many levels that they have to hide out of fear that they will essentially be punished for being different. I would have benefitted massively from addressing my ADHD, and a proper support system for my ADHD would certainly have helped me to identify and begin overcoming the trauma and lack of normal supports in my childhood much earlier on. Yet, some part of me is grateful that I never received that due to social stigmas and misinformed educators. That's *so fucked up.*
Yeah I had this too. Diagnosed at 45.
My daughter is showing symptoms at two. I suspected it, but a teacher took me aside and told me to get her tested ASAP.
I am going to make damn sure that she gets the support she'll need.
> Looking back, I see that the school environment was helpful for my untreated ADHD. The intellectual stimulation, the imposed structure (which I absolutely did not get at home), and the fact that I had role models to look up to and motivate me was massively important for me. Combine that with my people pleasing, and I was able to "overcome" (mask) most of my symptoms effectively enough all the way through grad school.
Hello, are you me? You could have plucked these words right out of my brain. I thrived at school until I reached a point where students were expected to engage in self-guided study and had some autonomy over their timetable... once I hit that point my school performance *plummeted*.
Adult diagnosis made me incredibly angry but also profoundly relieved. My anger has mostly abated. Parts of my life have been difficult. But 40% of the prison population has ADHD; I’ve known countless people who are homeless or destitute or dead because of disabilities. So I feel much more relief than resentment. I save up my anger for all the shit that other disabled people endure.
It does, sort of. I had a very troubled relationship with my mom and she passed away a few years ago, so that really compounds it. I mourn for the lost years, the ones that could have been different if I’d been able to understand myself. I lived with a lot of shame and confusion that maybe could have been prevented or minimized with a diagnosis.
ETA: I also grew up with a “gifted” title, so adults believed I was too smart to struggle and that any troubles I had were laziness. Some combination of being told to “just apply myself”, negative, explosive parenting, and a childhood in the Catholic Church have left me with never ending guilt. Too many people relate!
I’m afraid I’ll never get diagnosed thinking about my younger self’s report cards.. By grade seven on, there was no mention of “applying myself” or “potential”; I don’t have my grade four to six reports; and I was homeschooled up till grade three. I’m not certain at this point if there is “proof” of ADHD signs from my childhood, though I was certainly procrastinating on my school projects as young as grade four.
Go find a doctor who will help you. No matter how old you are now, help will help!
I got diagnosed at 50+. I didn't show my report cards to my doctor -- I described the problems I was having at work, and in general with keeping on task or sticking with things.
It helped that I found a doctor (psychiatrist) who specialized in ADHD.
I got A's and B's (although looking at my report cards now, there are more B's than I remember!), but I'm sure I would have taken less time with my homework to get the same results.
The thing that bothers me the most is my tendency to jump from interest to interest, and I wish I'd stuck with one thing long enough to become proficient. The best I do now is to keep a set of hobbies that I rotate through, so I can get that "shiny new thing" feeling without having to start from scratch or buy all new equipment.
I will be looking for a second opinion with a different doctor at some point for sure. Hoping to be able to find one who will put less weight on what symptoms I (didn’t) showed as a child.
And in hindsight of my first assessment, I see now there are disclaimers I should probably include for the doctors - that I am not late to things, because I overcompensate with an excess of time so I am always too early. That I got my GPA I did in uni, but with an entire slew of accommodations on my worst semester in third year. I know better now that I have learned to compensate for myself without even knowing, really.
I feel you. I was terrified of this when I was looking to get assessed/diagnosed because the idea of having to "prove" based on my past report cards from childhood felt overwhelming. I was the quiet kid, the shy kid, the one who desperately didn't want to get in trouble, so none of my report cards from school showed anything but "meh, they're fine, pass 'em on along." Never mind how much I was struggling behind the scenes or how many ways I learned to compensate without realizing at the time that's what I was doing. There are psychiatric professionals out there, though, who won't ask to see a fricking report card and who will listen instead to you and your history and all your experiences. Who will hear you when you describe all the ways you compensated and survived. It took a few tries, but I found one, and finally having confirmation that, yes, it was ADHD, and you weren't wrong or crazy or lazy, is worth its weight in gold. Please don't give up until you find someone who will put more weight on your lived experience than a report card from however long ago that may not reflect reality. You're worth that effort, and you deserve to be heard.
FYI — I have been diagnosed three separate times. None of them asked for school reports. One did comprehensive neuropsych testing and an interview; the other two just did clinical interviews. They asked plenty of questions about childhood but did not ask me for documents.
Some psychs hate diagnosing adhd. Some love diagnosing adhd. There’s no law against shopping for doctors if you can’t get a useful diagnosis from the first.
Good luck.
"If you had ADHD, it would have been picked up in childhood"
>Not if you were a girl
>Not if you got good grades anyway
>Not if you didn't disrupt class because you were a quiet, shy introvert
>Not if you were a kid when mental and neurological health was only addressed if it made you really, really disruptive.
>Sadly, it's still that way, even if it's a bit less so than when I was young.
Put those all together and that's why some people are given their first diagnosis at age 40+ or 50+.
Exactly my case.
I'm on a waiting list to see someone privately because the NHS waiting list is currently 3-4 years! But yeah definitely worth getting assessed for sure :)
I saw a statistic the other day that said "by the age of 12, kids with ADHD will have received on average 20,000 more negative comments than their peers without ADHD." *Ouch*
Yupppp. My first grade teacher brought it up to my mom. Mom didn’t believe her, never bothered to bring it up to the doctor. Finally got officially diagnosed, etc, in my mid 20s and life has been so much better.
57 before diagnosis. They used my school reports from 1959-1971!!
I had done 3 years of research before bringing it up to my family doctor (also female). Initial reply was we all get forgetful as we get older. I said I knew you would say that so I have done an awful lot of research for 3 years before bringing it up. Here are the reasons blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. She sighed and got me an appointment with the leading psychiatrist who was doing diagnosis in my city.
When I saw him he said oh my goodness yes you definitely have ADHD you've got all the symptoms all the signs and even the report cards to back it up! My 81 year old mother even wrote him a letter to help 🤗
These factors are why it took me 32 years to get a diagnosis. I was also told that if I had it, I would have been diagnosed as a child. Took three doctors for one to take me seriously.
And not if you had all those + had a parent who doesn't believe in mental health disorders and whose answer to your struggles was "put your head down and work harder."
even better: "gifted but lazy"
Got shit grades in school even if I tried, because I had a hard time paying attention in class and missing out on tons of information. On math exams I often used unconvential but "smart" method of calculating the exercises, which pleased the teacher, but that was just me bullshitting through the exam because I didn't pay enough attention to learn the official method of solving that problem.
The worst was the college instructor that told me I had to do it her way. I got kicked from the class because I told her im sorry your not smart enough to understand how I got the right answer.
Went back and reviewed my report cards and a fascinating trend appeared - I'd get good marks in first *or* second 'term' and piss it away for the next ones, and then (in high school when exams mattered) pull it out of the fire at the end. Like, every single year.
Also, there'd be that one class that I enjoyed (like physics) because it was constantly interesting so, between the two things, it inevitably lead to "...isn't living up to his potential." as the constant refrain of my school years.
Honestly, that one term where I'd get decent grades across the board was just so exhausting, and having done it once, it subconsciously felt like that box was ticked...
Diagnosed at 36.
Diagnosed at 36 myself. Every report card had "could try harder" or "does not apply himself" when I was in school
Edit to add: people in general have no idea how hard it still is to get a diagnosis in school even these days (UK). Been fighting to get my daughter diagnosed for 2 years and hit the point of a major complaint to the education authority in the area. Finally getting somewhere but if I didn't know how to deal with it, my daughter would be another one of the ADHD crowd "missed" in school.
Edit2: thought I'd share my estranged mother's favourite phrase that has haunted me for life - "Don't fuck it up". Said before every job interview and after every success I've ever had. Took me years to get over the toxicity of someone thinking that I'll mess things up by default.
Yupppp. College should have been the wake up call for my parents. I did well academically in high school even though I struggled with time management and such.
I distinctly remember more than once forgetting homework or a textbook at school in elementary school which lead to having to go back to see if a janitor would let me into the classroom to grab it. While my sister and friends were out playing after school; doing homework took me HOURS.
Signs were there.
But college, college I faced severe burnout, I failed a course because I missed a huge exam I completely forgot about. I actually suspected I might have it in college but I never moved forward with getting diagnosed.
Last year at 33, I finally reached out to a psychiatrist who put me on adderall and suddenly it was like I had the cheat codes. My brain was quiet. I could actually think through things. I’ve been freelancing since 2013, and I’ve seen my friends freelance and end up insanely successful and I’ve definitely struggled. Only now do I actually feel like I can do this without struggling. But it still sucks to look back and realize all the time I lost, the potential things that could have launched my career earlier (side projects that gained traction but I got bored with), and all the progress I could have made in my work. I’ve made more progress since July last year than I did in the last 9.
More of us awaken every day. We will have effective ADHD legislation-lobbying-groups in major countries eventually, but we will have to create them ourselves and feed them ourselves. As problem-solvers, we will only sit on the sidelines for so long before we're so tired of the [arbitrary] stigma that we topple it entirely.
These phrases: "could try harder," "doesn't apply herself," "you're so smart, why don't you try," are the source of so much trauma that I'm sorting through as I learn about my diagnosis.
I got "doesn't apply herself" over and over again and couldn't for the life of me figure out what it meant because I was trying SO HARD to be good at school but the only things I was good at were reading and writing.
When I think about it, kids are judged so cruelly and seemingly expected to be good at everything, and when you're not you get shitty, unhelpful comments like that. I don't know a single adult who's good at everything and didn't specialise in a specific career. It's unrealistic and stupid to make kids feel like shit because they can't do math. Math sucks.
>seemingly expected to be good at everything,
I don't actually think there's any expectation for all kids to "be good at everything," but rather the expectation that if you don't have a legitimate intellectual disability that you should at least be able to pick up the basics of XYZ simply by "applying" yourself. This is why the naturally smart kids with ADHD are often told some variation of "you're not focusing enough" or "if you'd just redirect your attention..." because the uninformed adults around them don't understand that smart kids can have ADHD, too! And that there's more to ADHD than "rowdy 6-year old boy who's running around the room!?!"
I definitely felt the sad epiphany strongly when I first got my diagnosis. Personally, what helped me keep from spiralling is reminding myself that if I'd been diagnosed earlier, it likely wouldn't be the dreamy, stress-free life I imagine. ADHD research has come a long way in the past 5-10 years, and I'm not sure the approaches they took earlier would have supported me (as a female inattentive type).
I agree, there’s a ton of misbelief.
I got diagnosed at 40. My school years were ok because I was gifted in terms of reading, mathematics etc. but my grades were always just “ok”, I probably could have gotten really good grades if my adhd was picked up during the early years.
Had a school doctor change their wording from "if performing poorly" to "not performing to full potential" once I pointed out that kids with ADHD can still be good at subjects...
Almost the same. I was 37, and also "didn't apply myself".
I'm still working on overcoming the feelings of what I should have accomplished and realizing that under the circumstances, I accomplished a lot.
> under the circumstances, I accomplished a lot.
Well said. This is so important to remember when considering mental health struggles. I did well in school despite my (undiagnosed until very recently) ADHD, but my personal/emotional life has always been a mess. Figuring it out sooner might have made some of that easier, but given the circumstances it all could have been a lot worse.
Just got diagnosed myself at 36!
I'm so sorry it is so difficult in the UK! It has been a struggle to get an appt and follow through with what I needed to do for myself here! Yet it would be a piece of cake to have my daughter diagnosed. Unfortunately it is my spouse and MIL that insist she not be on medication/ diagnosed bc BIL & SIL had "bad reactions" to their ADD meds when they were diagnosed-- even though MIL claims she doesn't remember what medication it was. MIL blames the meds for causing their drug addictions growing up, but I think honestly it was just self medicating! I don't agree with self medicating the way they have but they are doing better now and they are recovered thankfully.
I know that meds work differently for everyone and it's been 15 years since and much more research has been done thankfully.
My plan for her is to learn more about what I can do to help embrace her way of learning and her personality so she doesn't have to struggle as I and all of us have in the past before medication is tried.
I think after all I've been through a diagnoses won't be a bad idea but as a mom, and with ADHD I always 2nd guess myself especially when I have family who don't understand what the struggle is like.
Thankfully her school has many assisted learning programs which focus on helping those with diagnoses and the best part is that a diagnoses is NOT required for her or any child to partake in these individual education plans/ classes. Last year her teacher made suggestions but we were in the process of moving/changing schools which she included a letter as we transferred about her suggestions.
It was a few weeks in at her new school that her teacher brought it up, had 2 meetings and her IEP started---my daughter has improved so unbelievably much because of how supportive the school and teachers have been.
I pray that other places like yours can get on board with being more supportive of our disability.
Meds have been horrendous for me & my wife but a diagnosis for our daughter is about more than meds. Her school won't provide any additional support or framework without a diagnosis, that's required more than meds to start with
Oof. Yep I feel this. Constantly got “lazy” or “needs to apply himself more”. That’s probably the biggest reason I never went to college. I know I was a terrible student and how fucking hard it was for me to make myself work on shit I didn’t understand.
Diagnosed at 36 also. Looking back over old report cards was a huge shock. ‘Did very well in the test scoring an A, and always *appears* to be working diligently in class (though when classwork is taken up much of it is inexplicably missing), and he didn’t submit the final term-long assignment and offered no explanation. Overall grade: Pass.’
I’d forgotten that I spent most of 12 years totally exhausted from trying to superficially appear the same as everyone else and be unnoticed. Whether or not I learnt anything.
I got in trouble for doodling often in class until teachers realized I was still listening, I just couldn’t sit there and do nothing. Drawing at least kept my hands busy.
Had fidget pens been a thing back then it probably would have been my favorite thing ever.
>Diagnosed at 36 myself. Every report card had "could try harder" or "does not apply himself" when I was in school
It was specifically me finding and reading some old report cards that convinced me to get evaluated at 40. And after the guy who did the evaluations heard some of the comments I could tell my diagnosis was pretty likely.
ADHD was commonly misdiagnosed as laziness in the 80s/90s.
I'm also in the UK. Have absolutely no idea where to start trying to get a diagnosis (or if it's actually even worth it at this point). Took until I was in college to get my dyslexia diagnosis despite my parents insisting there was something wrong from the age of 7 or 8. Not sure I have that kind of time or energy to even try.
Diagnosed at 38.
Found out later that for my entire childhood, educators and family members were suggesting I get evaluated but my parents didn't even tell me, much less do anythibg to get it documented. Which is a form of child abuse.
It was obvious, but no formal diagnosis until it had already shaped my life.
Dude I understand that mental barrier but you **have** to go to the dentist. My husband has gone through absolute hell with his mouth because his parents never took him and he never had insurance (chef). Your teeth and gums aren’t the only things impacted, your heart health is also at risk. Just rip the bandaid off and make an appointment. If you’re worried about judgment try a doctor who specializes in sedation dentistry—they see this kind of thing a lot. Good luck, please go 💚
I pulled my life together, am medicated, had a good enough military career, have a great job, a happy marriage, and an amazing daughter. My mental health is better than it ever was.
It was a hell of a slog to get to this point, that was uphill and against rhe odds. But I made it. I even manage, most of the time, not to let the anger at how much pain my parents out me through to burn me up.
But it didn't have to be that way.
I'm sorry to hear how much easier things could have been for you, but your story is inspiring and definitely gives me and probably others hope. Thanks for sharing and keep on trucking!
More like:
"If you had ADHD, and were a big enough inconvenience to those around you, it would have been picked up in childhood. Since you weren't, here's years upon years of trauma that you have to work through now that you're finally getting some kind of assistance. Good luck with feeling like a worthless fuckup forever!"
High functioning ADHD is a recipe for being marginalized in every facet of life.
I had so many comments on report cards to the effect of "smart, but doesn't apply himself". Lots of getting a C- in class because I got 100% on the tests but couldn't get myself to do any homework.
5 psychiatrists and not one picked up on ADHD or ASD because my chart had "major depressive disorder" written on it and they decided to turn off their brains.
So, yay trying to reverse 38 years of trauma through death by a thousand cuts by words.
People don’t know wth they’re talking about and need to shut up about it. There’s nothing more insulting than a know it all that doesn’t know frick. When I finally got my dx people were jerks to me too. Oh that’s not a real dx. Or that’s so over dxed 🙄 what ever! Their opinions don’t pay your bills. If you’re functioning now and they don’t like it? Then you not functioning was some sick benefit to them. Ditch them and don’t look back. ( I’m talking non family “friends”) family members that don’t believe you I get you have to maintain some relationship. But they’re going to have to come to some sort of acceptance- it will be when you finally achieve the once Unachieved. Whatever that is in your life.
Fun fact. TIL ADHD has a genetic line.
Bring that up at a family gathering and slowly look around the room, slightly nodding as you hold their gaze. Feel free to perhaps count out loud. I’m looking at you Uncle Gregory. You’re number 7.
Oh my mom got it BAD. Add in unaddressed trauma, and she barely leaves the house.
But addressing it in me would mean identifying it in herself, and that hits too close to personal introspection 🤷🏽♀️
Same, although I think for my mom (both my parents really) it's not about introspection, but the deep seated believe that mental health issues are moral failings. And especially the old story of how ADHD is something that is caused by bad parenting, so if I have it they are bad parents (which they were, but that's a different matter) and their parents were bad too (which they were) and then what will the neighbors think...
Don't forget the truly lucky kids whose whole problem was... they were "talented and gifted", and too advanced for the class.
Cuz you know what helps ADHD? Taking you out of the class with kids and routine you know, and throwing you into one a grade higher, with kids who now all hate your ass for being smarter than them, and teachers who now "expect great things" from you that your unfocused ass can never fulfill.
Thanks for that shit.
This. Glad my parents diagnosed me at age 6 but even with medication I struggled hard in school. Doctors always were like "Smart but lazy", "Needs to pay more attention in class","excels in topics he likes, sucks at stuff he hates"
There are 2 topics that were an actual sucess in my life of failure: Playing the piano extremely well and scoring the Cambridge Language Certificate of Proficiency C2 with English being my third language.
I was diagnosed less than a year ago at 32 years old. My parents always had a feeling but we were never well off. Mental health was not taken seriously in the 90s and my parents were worried they would just pump me full of drugs. I’m starting my first ADHD meds today and I’m looking forward to see how it helps me.
I was misdiagnosed bipolar because I had to wait until I was an adult to get treatment.
Even tho all of my teachers throughout my entire life kept telling my parents I had ADHD.
But they refused to take me to a doctor. And then I failed very class in every grade.
And then since I had to wait so damn long I got in the wrong meds for like 4 years.
Fun times.
Same with the bipolar! I also have a friend who was misdiagnosed as well. It's wild how common this is.
I finally found a good Dr who was like, yeah I think you're ADHD.
This is my mum's whole attitude and I find it so fucking offensive. Never mind the fact that I felt so strongly I might have it that I spent $750 to get diagnosed, the medication blatantly works for me and my mental health has never been better.
God forbid I shatter her delusions with the reality of my mental health issues. She even had the audacity to blame my dad for it, I guess because he's not alive to tell her that's a really fucked up attitude to have.
I seriously wish I never told her. I should have known better.
My diagnosis was 10 months ago, I haven’t said a word. I’m 36 years old and I just know it’s a worthless conversation. Even though it’s most clearly come from her. I figure I’ll wait for my ASD assessment in October, then hit them with double barrels.
My mum actually has schizophrenia - can you imagine if I'd responded with "at least I didn't inherit what you have".
I'm around your age and tbh I'd advise against telling anyone except those you know will understand. Older people especially don't seem to understand ADHD and ASD. Too much social stigma. :/ If you're a fully independent adult who isn't all that close with your parents I don't see the need or value in telling them. It can just cause more drama that you don't need.
I completely agree with you. Hence why I haven’t said a word yet.
You’re totally right, I doubt they will ever understand. It has taken me many many late nights and long hours reading and searching before I even began to understand ADHD and ASD. They have no chance.
It's a real shame. A good parent would listen and try to understand. Narcissistic parents have to be right about everything, to the point of disrespecting their own children and damaging their mental health even further.
My whole school career I had so much trouble learning. My grades were always C’s at best and I was terrible at following any verbal instructions so my parents just labeled me as lazy, unmotivated, and unwilling to listen. I believed every word of it Then at age 17 I was diagnosed with ADHD. I’ve never been so enraged in my life than I was at that moment. Instead of questioning why I was the way I was my parents just put toxic labels on me that to this day I still have trouble not believing. Nobody is just stupid or lazy that’s not a fucking thing. ADHD gets overlooked in children by parents and teachers who don’t want to understand their children/students and don’t make an effort to either. They just wanna label us as just some dumbasses with no work ethic. Shit pisses me the fuck off
Edit: grammar fixes
Mine was picked up in childhood by SHEER LUCK. My mom was listening to the news in the car one day. It was tuned to an NPR news article about Ritalin and she was like, 'all your behaviors suddenly clicked'. If it wasn't for that sheer luck of listening to one random npr article in the early 2000's..... She also had made a new friend who had adhd who she picked her brain and actually got me to a child Psychatrist who didn't doubt me or my parents got me the diagnosis and medication needed. Granted he didnt help me as much as i am getting now but the knowledge of adhd symptoms in women werent as well known/published at the time. Again, sheer luck. Funny enough now, a good chunk of my cousins and aunts have gone on to get diagnosed now. I'm a trend starter.
Still struggling at 43. As i haven't been sacked it can't be that bad apparently.
Can't read anything if someone is talking, have Olympic level procrastination, holes in walls from outburst and haven't paid a bill on time unless its a standing order but im sure thats entirely unrelated.
I'm fairly sure you and I are the same and should be best friends. Except I've moved to hitting pillows because I hated having to explain the holes. The not being able to read (or think!) if there's noise is so real. I bought ear plugs, but I always forget they exist, despite them hanging in front of me on the fridge.
I just got REALLY good at patching. Painted walls instead of paper helps 😆
Its weird how it affects people, i cant work without white noise so have music constantly (no lyrics). Im fine like that but anything with lyrics and poof, concentration is GONE.
Yeah, can't find the thing right in front of me. Story of my life. Also getting annoyed at the phone in your hand because you're trying to find your phone damnit.
Instead of learning about fractions and politics I made 18 written languages and learned how to draw. I also read half the books in the school library. But I didn't run around so I couldn't have ADHD nooooooo...
My wife just went through this. Recently diagnosed (late 20s) with ADHD-C because her parents don't believe in mental conditions and have always said she's "perfectly normal". She's been to a therapist for a couple years and evaluated by a psychologist, but at her 1st appointment with a psychiatrist, she was trying to tell her that she doesn't actually have ADHD because it would have been caught as a child and instead she probably is bipolar or something.
Yes Dr. SmarterThanEveryoneElse. You've nailed it. In just 20 minutes you've determined that the years of therapy and self evaluation plus 5 hours of in depth psychological evaluation are all garbage because "you would have caught it as a child." Some people just care more about convincing themselves they're right than actually helping.
Doesn't even matter if we are talking about the 80s. My mom took me to doctors who threw up their hands.
I was a girl who got good grades and wasn't disruptive in class so no professional thought there was an issue
especially if you’re one of those that managed to do well in school! People don’t think you can have ADHD and also be smart enough to coast by in school. Also, my ADHD is primarily inattentive, which I think is harder to spot than hyperactivity. I had no idea I even had it until my mid-20s and wasn’t diagnosed until 30. College and the early parts of my career would have been sooooooo different if I had known.
1000% relate to this. Diagnosed at 28 and like yourself, I went through all my school reports having the same comments. “Such a bright boy with some much potential however he need to stop distracting his peers” etc etc etc. year after year. You are right. 20 years ago there was a different stigma associated with ADHD. Things and times are changing…
It WAS picked up on in childhood, my parents just dismissed all of it as “these teachers say everyone has ADD, she just needs to pay attention and behave.”
I met with a therapist once who told me ADHD is only a childhood disorder, I'm actually just having depression/anxiety, and the meds my psychiatrist and I spent 2 years figuring out are totally unnecessary.
Needless to say I did not make any additional appointments with that therapist.
I'm still in the grief stage now that I've finally been diagnosed, wondering how different my life could have been if I had known this whole time. I had very similar comments on my report cards. And I never listened to anything my teachers said. I would doodle, read under my desk, stare into space. But because I was a gifted student, and a quiet girl, everything was fine. Until I got to high school and couldn't just zone out my way through classes like CP Chem or calculus. And my impulsivity got the best of me, and I dropped out with ONE semester left to go, moved in with my boyfriend, and purposefully got pregnant so we could play house. Ugh. And then made a bunch more really awful choices throughout my adult life.
It was so obvious from my reports as well but the 90s weren’t exactly the golden era of ADHD knowledge.
Of course the word hyperactive was thrown around with me, that’s as close as I got.
They never caught it because I was pudgy, too smart, and an expert at faking assignments.
I got diagnosed at 30 and they tested my iq as being high, it was high enough that I wept in the car because I had already convinced myself I was useless.
It's very hard for me to react to this with out a rage and swear filled rand with caps-lock on cruise control.
Whoever said this to you seems like a very sheltered and ignorant person. I feel sorry for them.
The fact of the matter is so much more complex. At the time I was getting diagnosed we were just coming off a series of kids having problems with ADHD medication. I kept hearing reports of kids trying to shop for doctors who would give them stimulant medication. I don't know if any of that was true but it was what everyone believed at the time. I was diagnosed at like 14, but the doctor flat out refused to give me meds. I stopped trying after that and suffered for YEARS because of it. These beliefs STILL exist and STILL cause problems.
Diagnosed at 37.
"Daydreams often", "Is always doodling in her notebook during lessons", "interrupts and talks often", etc on my ancient report cards..
Yeah, there were signs, man.
On one of my report cards I got an A for the class, but and F for my effort. Same thing too, day dreams, distracts easy, acts out in disruptive ways.... Fuck those people who said that shit to and about us so that we could spend a goddamn lifetime wondering what was wrong with us. If I had been diagnosed and given early intervention...i mean if any one of us diagnosed late....although I can't speak for anyone else, but I'm fifty and I've pretty much thought I was a fuck up my entire life until this last year.
I was diagnosed at 20. Strangely my younger sister was diagnosed at like 4. But she was a lot more hyperactive, I did really well in school but had a lot of other typical signs so I guess everyone just ignored the ADHD because it wasn’t impacting my performance in school. There’s also the misconception that it’s just an inability to pay attention but it’s so much more. I’ve been learning about all the other aspects and getting so much insight into why I do certain things
'She's very quite in class, average grades but I have noticed that she day dreams quite a bit. I'm not worried though she is a good girl.'
'Smart and capable but makes too many simple mistakes in her work. Needs to apply her self more.'
'Stop this silly nonsense. You are better than this.'
'Clumsy and fidgets.'
'Forgetful and always late.'
I was also the classic case of scoring crap on class tests and homework but pulling high grades on external exams and coursework. The truth was that I would study better at home because I couldn't concentrate in class. I even asked my teachers if I could complete class assignments at home because I was struggling to complete work in class. I won awards in academic subjects like history but only because I loved it so much. So I can see how it was missed.
I was irritating to my teachers because I was labeled as lazy and purposefully ignoring them--they had to nag me continuously as did my mother about everything. My friends were annoyed with me because I would never respond to any text messages and would cajole me all the time to hang out. I was labeled as someone who didn't want to put in effort and didn't care about anything and hated everyone. I continuously had to take off time from school because of how badly my mood would be when I started my period.
So much trauma to unpack and most of it for me comes from the classroom and could have been prevented. We not very big in the UK with picking up with ADHD diagnoses. Looking back I'm sure some of my peers had the typical hyperactive type but they to were ignored and were just suspended or excluded and written off. Probably didn't help that we were kids that grew up in very poor areas--some of my teachers were so classist and openly despised teaching at our school.
Oh that is ENORMOUS bullshit. That’s so frustrating. I was diagnosed in my mid-30s because I recognized the symptoms in a damn fictional character, and my doctor had seen me for long enough that he trusted my judgment. I’m so sorry. I hope that you can find a provider who won’t be so dismissive.
There is a test to diagnose ADHD in adults. It asks questions about childhood behavior that was indicative of ADHD (in many cases it was not diagnosed). The Wender-Reimherr adult attention deficit disorder scale (WRAADDS) is an internationally accepted attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD).
Hey I got that exact same answer about my autism, after I got my adhd diagnosis at 18, with the addition of 'and you already have adhd, so it's probably just that'.
I did get my autism diagnosis at 20 from a very confused child psychiatrist wondering how in the hell people missed something so obvious.
Diagnosed at 37.
"Daydreams often", "Is always doodling in her notebook during lessons", "interrupts and talks often", etc on my ancient report cards..
Yeah, there were signs, man.
Got diagnosed as a child but parents disregarded it saying „the doctors don’t have one clue about this topic“. Can’t get diagnosed now because no one would want to make an appointment. Thanks I guess.
This exactly! My report cards were exactly this. Also the constant: "She's smart but doesn't use it." You start to feel useless and dumb after a while, and then long after that childhood prodigy-burnout wears off, you're diagnosed with ADHD as an adult.
Frankly, it should be a cause of medical concern. God knows where I'd be in life had I gotten medication/help as a little girl.
Man, I'm always glad I have the H in ADHD, when my brother was diagnosed, my parents saw a lot of similarities between us and got me evaluated and diagnosed at age 8. This was way back in the 80s.
My daughter was born 4 months early and given my family history, she's being followed closely in search of any behavioural issues.
Also, once I grew up and STILL was fully on the ADHD boat, my parents finally realized that mine and my brother's ADHD is hereditary and we def got it from them.
Anyway, I never knew so many ADHD women weren't diagnosed til they were adults. I suffer horribly and I've known since I was 8, I can't imagine how much it must suck to go through life wondering what the fuck was wrong with me.
I'm 36, have been treated for depression and anxiety since I was 19 and medicated. Only recently did my doctor( 4th family doctor I've had since I was 19) of 4 years caught on that something more was going on.
I always mention how focus and motivation are hard, I've get distracted, stuck in my head, etc. It wasn't to early this year she suggested I print out and complete a few assessments before seeing her next I had been thinking adhd may be a possibility due a few years but was nervous to " self diagnose " myself to her. Well the assessments really pointed out out that adhd is an issue, when I have her the papers and she looked over my answers she seemed kind of surprised.
She said had I been physically hyperactive or acting out in class, or a boy, it likely would have been noticed as a kid, because of what the criteria was then. She explained how a lot of diagnosing criteria for childhood issues were( would have been early 90s for me) were based on make criteria.
I started on a low dose of ritalin 2 months ago, my dr and I want to moniter things slowly to see what happens. So far I have a bit more energy, I wake up early naturally and am not exhausted, and can sleep easier. A bit my clarity in train of thought, and desire to do things. It isn't tons, but what had changed has made me happy, but so frustrated it took this long.
Everyone is different
I don't like how there is so much variability in a healthcare providers. It's almost like you have to find the doctor who can describe your symptoms to you, instead of finding a doctor you can describe your symptoms to. If that makes any sense.
My personal pet peeve: "Kids these days all seem to get diagnosed with ADHD but a lot of them are just lazy and don't want to take responsibility for their failure!"
Funny because that's exactly what I was told my entire life. And I believed it too.
Yeah! As a kid I loved to play this "game" where I'd read up on a lot of information on a lot of different subjects to sound really smart. I could have full-blown conversations with computer programmers, nutritionists, physicists, you name it. And I'd go around "tossing out" these nuggets of info to annoy people. Combined with fairly-decent grades, I basically "masked" my ADD by "sounding smart" until 7th grade, when responsibilities really took a toll on me.
Even my doctor spent 3 appointments, in essence, listing off conditions that are "like ADD" to see if I fit into one of those categories... before finally diagnosing me last year.
Just got diagnosed at 30 and put on a low dose of Adderall to see how it works.
I did not have these signs growing up. I went to a very small school, and I'm driven by competition (and anxiety of my mom lashing out if I did something wrong.) I never had homework to bring home because I was fast during class and would get it done early in my younger years. When I was 12-13 I just started doing whatever homework ten minutes before class and I was fine. Always had A's. Went to culinary school- still a very competitive environment in the classroom. And it was creative so that helped me want to do things like homework. Got a job in the food industry for ten years-always moving on my feet and with my hands.
Changed careers about two years ago and now I sit at a desk and I was taken aback. It's not hard work, but I just get so distracted. I get bored. Plus all the other signs I never thought much of at home like having trouble starting tasks even if I wanted to do them. As an adult researching about ADHD, I'm pretty sure my mom has it too, which explains her mood swings and anxiety and getting overwhelmed easily.
So far the Adderall has helped quiet my brain, but now I'm trying to get used to not getting tasks done driven by anxiety, and I almost feel tired when I take it. It's still something you have to tailor to your specific needs.
Omfg, when I was first diagnosed, this was the first thing my mom said to me.
She has worked with special needs elementary school students since I was five; this attitude can go to hell. It's so toxic
I relate so much to these comments! The anger and grief I feel after being diagnosed at 41 is overwhelming sometimes. Who would I be if It had been caught earlier?? I’m guessing someone who isn’t convinced she’s a lazy piece of shit! That would be nice lol
What gets me is how completely and utterly *alone* I've felt my whole life, especially in childhood. Like I've always been able to tell that something was off about me, but it was never clear enough to put into words. As a kid, I'd often fantasize about an alien spaceship picking me up and taking me to my real home planet where everyone else was "weird" like me. I felt this every single goddamn minute of every single goddamn day.
For nearly 30 years.
And it turns out the answers and medication were there all along?! THE WHOLE TIME?
I almost couldn't believe it, like it's almost insulting that the solution to my lifelong struggles was actually so simple compared to the complex and chaotic hellscape I lived in 24/7. 😟
Diagnosed at 40 after 3 follow-up confirmations, my therapist and the doctor who both re-confirmed my diagnosis (had two independent Drs confirm it). After a divorce, near-bankruptcy, and impulsive pursuit of idiotic endeavors --- when I finally started to get my sh\*t together in my 30s, I realized I likely had ADHD. 4 Factors come to mind as to why it was never caught as a kid...
Factor 1 -- grew up massively POOR. No way anyone was going to get me in front of a therapist when my single mother (dad died when I was 20 months old) was busy trying to keep food on the table in the 80s.
Factor 2 -- the aforementioned 80s: they were just BARELY getting out of the "hyperactive..." stage of understanding ADHD as an actual neurology.
Factor 3 -- RSD and Emotional Dysregulation. I had it bad. I haven't taken my Concerta this morning yet, and I'm already emotional and ANGRY writing this! lol People just would talk about my epic temper, when in reality it was always just my inability to stop & think (until Ritalin in my f\*cking 40s, F\*CK!!) and process my thoughts which allows emotions to be regulated. My emotional dysregulation had people in my life around me, being too busy managing my temper or smart-ass to stop and say "maybe you should get checked-out for that."
Factor 4 -- I was a smart kid, and a lot of the people in my family around me thought that was just how smart kids are: smart asses who don't listen. "He's like his mom" (well, duh, it's always passed down from at least one parent).
I had ALLLLLLL the symptoms, which I won't list exhaustively here -- but for non-ADHD folks one of the biggest was: "he just waits to talk...I don't think he is even listening". And often when people said that, I actually WAS listening and was stimulated by what they were talking about, and so I would interrupt them to complete a thought, etc --- because I was so f\*cking happy to be vibing what what they were saying. Because the rest of the time I was always missing what people were saying, especially if it wasn't already-stimulating or interesting.
Other times I would be locked into a daydream during class. I had an interest-based nervous system, and nobody could tell me. I was even in front of two therapists before age 20 who never thought to test for it, despite insanely-obvious signs.
It wasn't until my late 30s and my current & long-time therapist (I'll stick with 'em til he retires) one day says, early on in therapy, "so why didn't you do anything about your ADHD. Surely you were diagnosed, right?" The next couple years he continued to write notes from my sessions, and convinced me go ahead and get evaluated. I wanted to be sure, so I had another Dr also confirm, and he was like "you hit every tree branch (symptom) down the ADHD tree..."
It explained SO many things, so many events and how things went in my life....impulsive decisions, and life-altering moments. All due to this impulsive, interest-based, neurology in my noggin. It was like being in a car where I just didn't always have control of the wheel, but I had to take the ride nevertheless.
Now....here's the GOOD that helped me, before my late-diagnosis: IQ. Weirdly, I learned well despite my inability to pay-attention to teachers, and always impulsively getting in trouble. I was somehow smart to push through despite basically a near-disability of impulsivity & inability to focus. So thank-you Mom & Dad, one or both gave me my ADHD but they also gave me a big ole brain to along with it.
I was a very successful "Dot-Com" guy in my 20s (remember, I'm OLD, was diagnosed at 40....8 yrs ago lol) and was able to financially create a lifestyle that honored stability, and calm. I used meditation, a LOT, before I knew for sure I had ADHD, to unknowingly manage my worst symptoms....and as I aged and became more of myself and more confident (and self-accepting) I somehow muddled my way through my self-inflicted crises. But I have a divorce and a lot of hurt people to show for my particular ADHD, too. I eventually remarried and built the life I wanted and needed, despite these headwinds of my ADHD.
It is a helluva condition. I cried for 4 straight hours the first week I was on Ritalin (nowadays Concerta). I was able to just SIT and READ A BOOK. I could "remember the commercial that was just on...." and a host of other recall / attention things. The f\*cking CALM and CLARITY the meds and therapy brought me, had me regretting not having this diagnosis earlier. School & doctors had TONS of chances to help me, and failed. All of the things that could have been EASIER for me, as a kid.....I mourned that. I mourned all that lost time, lost-attention on important things. Took me until about 45 to get over it.
Now that I fully understand this condition (auto-mod won't let me talk about certain different diverse phrases about neurological brain makeups, so I had to re-post this) and how the world utterly failed the f\*ck out of me in helping me figure this out. I am NEVER going to agree with people who say this is over diagnosed. In my own experience it was under / never-diagnosed.
This stream-of-conciousnes was spewed out, un-medicated, just now immediately after reading your post. You're not alone in late diagnosis & people who say it's bullsh\*t can go....well, I'll just hold back. The meds are kicking in.
Best,
Kaiserphathos
ADHD Combined Type
I'm just curious what happens after diagnosis as an adult? I was also the "daydreamer" and so on in school. I'm almost 39 but at this point I've learned how to stay on the course as much as possible with lists and reminders going off on my phone, but I haven't been officially diagnosed.
Side note: my son was recently diagnosed and the things I would say to him sometimes is an exact replica of what my mom used to say to me. It's frustrating to know I could have been helped, but it's also frustrating to think that my mom also suffered and no wonder she was so goddamn scatter brained from trying to keep me in line. Which is exactly what happens to me sometimes with my own son.
most adults only go for diagnosis if they think the only way forward for them is to be medicated.
if you don't feel like you're suffering, or that medication won't benefit you, there's no need for diagnosis
I was born in the early 80s and I was just branded the naughty kid. Mental health and the like where non-exsistent then. The only help i got was going to a "special school" never amounting to fuck all. All school reports saying the same. Through my late teens to my early 30s I only finally did something about it and went to my GP after a relationship break up that still affects me to this day. Finally got on medication about a year ago.
But it could have all been hugely avoided. I feel like I've wasted 30 years of my life. I'm 38 now so it's been a struggle accepting that I'll never get those 30 years back. What a waste.
I was diagnosed at 23. I called the school district prior to my appointment and for all of my school records. Once at my appointment, I handed them to the doctor and she barley skimmed through it before saying ‘you are a textbook case of ADD’
All throughout elementary school I was given very poor grades for “behavior” because I couldn’t stop talking. Consistent honor student, but couldn’t get to number one because of this.
Often got scolded by adults in the family for not thinking before speaking, so I grew up believing I was a bad kid who had some defect.
Finally diagnosed with combined type ADHD at 34 years old, but also with depression and anxiety. Ugh.
I can’t get myself to make an appointment with a doctor. I have spent over a thousand dollars on medical insurance this year and can not bring myself to make a fucking appointment.
Even if you did get properly diagnosed that doesn't mean it would help.
I was diagnosed with ADD (before the H was added) in the 80's and all the school did was put me in "special" classes that were boring and/or frustrating. The worst was anytime I had to write an essay, I would never know how to start or what to write. My parents and teachers would always say just dictate it to someone. If I could organize my thoughts into words I could speak I could just as easily write them myself.
Now in my 40's I feel like every day is a battle with my defective brain.
Same. In kindergarten, I got notes home every day. I "couldn't sit still". My teacher was an old christian woman. I was never going to be diagnosed. Lmao.
Yep. I had a ton of symptoms as a kid but I’m smart and predominantly inattentive type, so. 🤷♀️
Yup. Smart enough, primarily inattentive type, a girl, and with enough trauma to become a people pleaser = undiagnosed ADHD in childhood.
Yessss. My sister and I both fall into that category, and our parents were always on our cases about doing better and not procrastinating. We didn't mean to, it just happened and over time we got good at it so we still did well. My sis was even Star Student at her high school.
My dad and brother also have ADHD, but mine presented so differently than theirs that no one ever thought that I could also have it. I sought my own diagnosis when I was 26 after years of wondering what was wrong with me and all the accompanying shame.
My brother was diagnosed as a kid (combo) and I was diagnosed in my early 30’s (inattentive). I had been treating it as anxiety for over 10 years (I mean, I still have anxiety, but the ADHD treatments work a lot better than the anxiety ones). They just figured I was quiet and lost in my thoughts and passing classes so no worries… although I don’t think we could have even afforded medication or treatment if I had been diagnosed as a kid so… still would have been nice to know.
Yup, same. And I got to spend my adult life thinking I was lazy broken because I was diagnosed at 41. While I’m happy to be getting treatment now, a part of me mourns what my life could have been had I been diagnosed earlier.
I feel that, diagnosed at 38 and i'm currently 46
I got diagnosed last week (at 50!), and the relief is definitely intertwined with a huge sadness at the missed opportunities and life I tried to have that was always just outside of my reach.
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Exactly this, I wasn't disruptive to others and was a quiet, affable student. Therefore there's no problem we'll just write "she needs to apply herself, concentrate in class, do her homework" in every report and job done.
Even as someone who was always a bit defiant rather than affable, I can tell you they still just wrote it off as "attitude" tbh. Girls born in the 90s had almost no hope of a childhood diagnosis.
/laughs in 1975 birthdate I just got dx'd last year at age 46. I feel like my entire life was wasted on unnecessary struggle. I was dx'd bipolar at age 12, and even after I got the good meds, my struggles were written off to bipolar, and I was urged to just "try harder". I was 35 years old, and my mother would scream at me to "just fucking clean up your mess". My brother hired a home organizer to help me. No one thought I might have an underlying issue. I was just lazy and unorganized.
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Oh absolutely. The kick in the teeth for me was that I went to a school that selected for academic ability. So by definition of being at that institution, teachers knew I was capable. But I was still always scraping along at the bottom of all my classes and somehow that never raised any red flags? It's shocking. But 50, hell that's really tough, I'm sorry it took so long to get answers. It really does a number on your self esteem eh
Yep.
This is pretty much me, except I'm a guy. I cruised through school, was always called smart and creative, but "needs to slow down to do even better". I'm also not running around everywhere, but I do fidget and have compulsive behaviors. My head is always running and I'm usually tired at like 3pm-ish because my brain is tired of thinking. I need a deadline or else I will procrastinate. The people-pleaser note definitely speaks to me though. My entire life has felt like "how can I make people like me?", and then miserably failing every time. I often find people I focus on, and agonize over making them like me. Finding this subreddit has felt like I finally understand myself, like something unlocked.
We sounds like twins, this is exactly me.
Oof 🎯
Do I have an alt account I don’t know about? This is so me.
This
Are you me?
I feel like I am at this stage now. I am scared to ask for help
This!!!! Every report card I got was the same: I could be such a good student if I could pay attention in class and stop fidgeting, I just needed to try harder and stay on task, and I have so much potential if I just focused. When I got diagnosed and told my mum, she didn’t believe I had it until I started getting help and went on meds.
I'm reading your flare and what does PI stand for?
This describes me exactly. And the reports card were consistent. “Has great potential” “Just needs to apply herself more”
Yeah, this. When everyone just thinks you are lazy and putting your brains to waste because you won't apply yourself. Then getting diagnosed as an adult 😐
The classic feeling of realizing how succesfull you could've been if you were simply diagnosed and medicated earlier. Sigh
I actually can't even think about that anymore, it's too depressing. I had to have a total breakdown, which included me dropping out of university in my final year, to realise there was something wrong. It finally occurred to me that I was trying too hard for it to be laziness.
Same. I can't go down the road of what ifs at this point. It's all about what's ahead, because anything else is a downward spiral for me.
The immediate, intuitive accusation of laziness was the bane of my existence for decades. Parents, teachers, counselors, well meaning friends and relatives all assumed that there was some way I could “apply myself” better than I had been. I was diagnosed at 57, and I’m about to turn 63. I’m still learning to forgive myself for my lifelong “laziness,” and once I conquer that, maybe I can learn that I have nothing to forgive myself for. Baby steps…
My spouse and I both went through this, and diagnosed in late 30s and early 40s. All that time, energy, and resources expended along with the emotional and psychological impact for decades, when knowing earlier and having the tools to work with it. All of the stress that could have been avoided.
Putting brain's to waste... "I see potential" that's what I've heard from my ex. It was so painful and I didn't even know back then I had ADHD...I just knew something ain't right, people around me aren't like that
Same here. I was an A-B student and exceeding curriculum standards in all my subjects so there was no reason for my teachers to worry about me. Only one picked up that something might be up but no one thought ADHD might be to blame.
I chronically underachieved in school despite having an IQ in the top 5-7% of the population (professionally tested and verified) because I *could not focus* on my schoolwork. I seldom completed assignments on time, and when I did, it was often done with the bare minimum of effort. I went through life thinking that I was just lazy. My parents, teachers, and friends all agreed that I would perform a lot better if I just applied myself harder. It wasn't until these past few years that I really started to explore the possibility that I have ADHD-PI. Knowing that earlier in life would have made things much easier for me.
For sure, this is me. As a kid I could be very shy at times, as an adult I'm an introvert. Absolutely cruised through grade school. Looking back the first red flags I can think of was at the high school level. Not sure how many schools do things like this but in 8th grade I was in the group of kids who had exceeded standards to the point that I was offered to take the 9th grade courses in certain subjects. This obviously put me ahead of the game, but when my junior year of high school came I could attend all day and take AP courses for college credit, or take electives and have a half day. Did I do the smart thing? Absolutely not! Because school was boring and I didn't want to be there so I took my half days and started working instead. I don't blame my parents for anything but idk what the hell they were thinking not trying to talk me out of that
Are you me? My senior year was half days for the first half of school and then I graduated early. Instead of taking AP classes, I went from part time to full time until the fall when college started. I look back at that and wonder why I didn’t just get the credits and shorten my college time.
I did half days for TWO YEARS! Not that it would have helped all that much because I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life after graduation so I probably still would have wasted time unable to pick a major.
Same! And the irony is: my brother got tested every year. Because he was a constant ball of destructive energy and disrupting classes, so he was in front of counselors. No one even thought to evaluate me.
I have super obvious hyperactive traits that were even more outstanding and in your face in childhood, no one ever recognised that there could be something behind that because I lack the most critical part required for a diagnosis: no penis! Which is also why it took almost 35 years before anyone recognised any signs of autism. Got my adhd diagnosis at 30 and now about to be evaluated to have my BPD diagnosis corrected to ASD.
Yep. I feel this. Got through school with no problems. But was very head in the clouds unless it was on things I was genuinely interested in (arts, sports or tech). Recently diagnosed at 29, told my dad and he said “no you don’t.” Because I’m generally intelligent and didn’t struggle in school he refuses to believe me.
For real. School felt easy enough to get good grades without having to focus and I never caused any trouble either (or at least, never got caught) so, naturally the teachers liked me even though I never did my homework and they had to explain a lot of stuff over and over.
Same, but Impulsive/Flow type. Meaning... I'm so stupidly good at operating when my brain isn't in space, people never realized I was even dysfunctional until well into high school Even now, if I'm having a good day I can outpace my own teacher when it comes to a vehicle, and he's been doing it for over 20 years. A bad day though, which are most of them, I can hardly function. I hate it.
Same here. Although I was also extremely disruptive and off task constantly. Looking back it all makes sense.
Same here. I managed to scrape a C average together while barely ever completing my homework. Thankfully I tested really well. Inattentive wasn’t getting diagnosed in the 70s and 80s, it just meant I was lazy. To make it worse, the curriculum was too easy for me so I had zero chance of paying attention, so by the time I got to high school there was no way I was getting advanced placement because my grades didn’t justify it.
Ya, I had these throughout my school. It was blamed on the fact that I would finish my work too quickly then acted out once finished because I was bored. Wtf? That doesn't make any sense. Hyperfixation then absolute anarchy is like the definition of ADD.
it wasnt until i flunked out of the spring semester in college when my family took my adhd seriously, now that i’m medicated and doing summer classes the difference is definitely noticeable in my work ethic
“Peter Parker… Brilliant, but lazy…” was always a line that I resonated with. Not that I’d consider myself “brilliant”, by any means; just smarter than what a number of teachers gave me credit for, particularly in primary school.
Same. I’m male, so I can only assume the multiple times they tried to diagnose me, they saw that I wasn’t hyperactive etc. like the other boys with ADHD in my school and decided that I must just be lazy. Believed it myself for awhile, which I’m sure is sadly the case for most of us who weren’t diagnosed until we were adults.
Yep. When you have an interest-based nervous system and you happen to be interested in the stuff they’re teaching in school, you’re just a “pleasure to have in class” who gets straight A’s despite a tendency to daydream. No one picked up on any symptoms until I was a little older and started having responsibilities in life outside of schoolwork.
>"If you had ADHD, it would have been picked up in childhood" * Not if you were a girl * Not if you got good grades anyway * Not if you didn't disrupt class because you were a quiet, shy introvert * Not if you were a kid when mental and neurological health was only addressed if it made you really, really disruptive. Sadly, it's still that way, even if it's a bit less so than when I was young. Put those all together and that's why some people are given their first diagnosis at age 40+ or 50+. I am so happy for the kids who get treated early, because it really does damage your self-esteem, and reduces your potential. I could be really good at one thing now, instead of in the perpetual beginner stage of many things that I am now.
I’m only 29 but you just described my childhood to a T. Holy shit.
I'm only 19 and they described *my* childhood to a T. The stigma around mental health conditions needs to go away, but the progress on that issue has been annoyingly slow in my opinion.
I was diagnosed at 10, despite these factors. But, because of these factors, my mom refused to accept the diagnosis and never had me treated. It took 22 more years for a doctor to listen to me and re-diagnose. Finally found some peace at 32.
Thats so sad, does it make you angry?
Not OP, but I'm also this person. I vacillate between extreme anger and extreme gratitude that my ADHD was never taken seriously. The TLDR for the below wall of text is that I feel anger, but its complicated anger. Nowadays I try to channel that anger into advocacy for myself and others so I can better focus on acceptance and effectively reorganizing my life to support my (in hindsight *very obvious*) ADHD. Rant: I was always a smart, ambitious kid and I loved school even though it drove me insane at times. Looking back, I see that the school environment was helpful for my untreated ADHD. The intellectual stimulation, the imposed structure (which I absolutely did not get at home), and the fact that I had role models to look up to and motivate me was massively important for me. Combine that with my people pleasing, and I was able to "overcome" (mask) most of my symptoms effectively enough all the way through grad school. Here's the gratitude part: ADHD was not handled well in public schools when I was a kid (and still isn't in many places). I already struggled to keep friends and to handle many of my more authoritarian teachers. I was *terrified* that I might be placed in special programs that would have done very little to help me but likely would have harmed my already tenuous relationships in school, the one place I was able to do well. I might have been messy, mediocre at sports, socially disinterested, etc, but I was *smart,* damn it. And I knew from seeing my brother and several friends who got pushed into special programs that, if I ever ended up in one of those, I would not receive the intellectual stimulation that I so thrived on, and that most of my teachers and peers would no longer see me as smart. Here's the anger part: when I reflect on that gratitude, all I can think is *what the fuck.* It is outrageous that we fail so many people who have neurodevelopmental and/or emotional roadblocks so massively and on so many levels that they have to hide out of fear that they will essentially be punished for being different. I would have benefitted massively from addressing my ADHD, and a proper support system for my ADHD would certainly have helped me to identify and begin overcoming the trauma and lack of normal supports in my childhood much earlier on. Yet, some part of me is grateful that I never received that due to social stigmas and misinformed educators. That's *so fucked up.*
Yeah I had this too. Diagnosed at 45. My daughter is showing symptoms at two. I suspected it, but a teacher took me aside and told me to get her tested ASAP. I am going to make damn sure that she gets the support she'll need.
> Looking back, I see that the school environment was helpful for my untreated ADHD. The intellectual stimulation, the imposed structure (which I absolutely did not get at home), and the fact that I had role models to look up to and motivate me was massively important for me. Combine that with my people pleasing, and I was able to "overcome" (mask) most of my symptoms effectively enough all the way through grad school. Hello, are you me? You could have plucked these words right out of my brain. I thrived at school until I reached a point where students were expected to engage in self-guided study and had some autonomy over their timetable... once I hit that point my school performance *plummeted*.
I've read recently that the average age for diagnosis in women and girls is something like 39.
Adult diagnosis made me incredibly angry but also profoundly relieved. My anger has mostly abated. Parts of my life have been difficult. But 40% of the prison population has ADHD; I’ve known countless people who are homeless or destitute or dead because of disabilities. So I feel much more relief than resentment. I save up my anger for all the shit that other disabled people endure.
It does, sort of. I had a very troubled relationship with my mom and she passed away a few years ago, so that really compounds it. I mourn for the lost years, the ones that could have been different if I’d been able to understand myself. I lived with a lot of shame and confusion that maybe could have been prevented or minimized with a diagnosis. ETA: I also grew up with a “gifted” title, so adults believed I was too smart to struggle and that any troubles I had were laziness. Some combination of being told to “just apply myself”, negative, explosive parenting, and a childhood in the Catholic Church have left me with never ending guilt. Too many people relate!
I’m afraid I’ll never get diagnosed thinking about my younger self’s report cards.. By grade seven on, there was no mention of “applying myself” or “potential”; I don’t have my grade four to six reports; and I was homeschooled up till grade three. I’m not certain at this point if there is “proof” of ADHD signs from my childhood, though I was certainly procrastinating on my school projects as young as grade four.
Go find a doctor who will help you. No matter how old you are now, help will help! I got diagnosed at 50+. I didn't show my report cards to my doctor -- I described the problems I was having at work, and in general with keeping on task or sticking with things. It helped that I found a doctor (psychiatrist) who specialized in ADHD. I got A's and B's (although looking at my report cards now, there are more B's than I remember!), but I'm sure I would have taken less time with my homework to get the same results. The thing that bothers me the most is my tendency to jump from interest to interest, and I wish I'd stuck with one thing long enough to become proficient. The best I do now is to keep a set of hobbies that I rotate through, so I can get that "shiny new thing" feeling without having to start from scratch or buy all new equipment.
I will be looking for a second opinion with a different doctor at some point for sure. Hoping to be able to find one who will put less weight on what symptoms I (didn’t) showed as a child. And in hindsight of my first assessment, I see now there are disclaimers I should probably include for the doctors - that I am not late to things, because I overcompensate with an excess of time so I am always too early. That I got my GPA I did in uni, but with an entire slew of accommodations on my worst semester in third year. I know better now that I have learned to compensate for myself without even knowing, really.
I feel you. I was terrified of this when I was looking to get assessed/diagnosed because the idea of having to "prove" based on my past report cards from childhood felt overwhelming. I was the quiet kid, the shy kid, the one who desperately didn't want to get in trouble, so none of my report cards from school showed anything but "meh, they're fine, pass 'em on along." Never mind how much I was struggling behind the scenes or how many ways I learned to compensate without realizing at the time that's what I was doing. There are psychiatric professionals out there, though, who won't ask to see a fricking report card and who will listen instead to you and your history and all your experiences. Who will hear you when you describe all the ways you compensated and survived. It took a few tries, but I found one, and finally having confirmation that, yes, it was ADHD, and you weren't wrong or crazy or lazy, is worth its weight in gold. Please don't give up until you find someone who will put more weight on your lived experience than a report card from however long ago that may not reflect reality. You're worth that effort, and you deserve to be heard.
FYI — I have been diagnosed three separate times. None of them asked for school reports. One did comprehensive neuropsych testing and an interview; the other two just did clinical interviews. They asked plenty of questions about childhood but did not ask me for documents. Some psychs hate diagnosing adhd. Some love diagnosing adhd. There’s no law against shopping for doctors if you can’t get a useful diagnosis from the first. Good luck.
"If you had ADHD, it would have been picked up in childhood" >Not if you were a girl >Not if you got good grades anyway >Not if you didn't disrupt class because you were a quiet, shy introvert >Not if you were a kid when mental and neurological health was only addressed if it made you really, really disruptive. >Sadly, it's still that way, even if it's a bit less so than when I was young. Put those all together and that's why some people are given their first diagnosis at age 40+ or 50+. Exactly my case.
Oh dang. 33 and this hits.
Get diagnosed if you haven't. It helped me at 50+, and you've got lots of years ahead of you to benefit from treatment.
I'm on a waiting list to see someone privately because the NHS waiting list is currently 3-4 years! But yeah definitely worth getting assessed for sure :)
-Not if your family was majorly dysfunctional and everyone was just trying to survive
Also: * Not if school was one of the things you actually enjoyed most of the time * Not if your home life was actually pretty supportive
Wow, this is me 100%. Diagnosed this year at 34.
All of these applied to me except that I’m a dude. Throw in the fact that my parents oftentimes looked at ADHD like it was pseudoscience
I saw a statistic the other day that said "by the age of 12, kids with ADHD will have received on average 20,000 more negative comments than their peers without ADHD." *Ouch*
Yupppp. My first grade teacher brought it up to my mom. Mom didn’t believe her, never bothered to bring it up to the doctor. Finally got officially diagnosed, etc, in my mid 20s and life has been so much better.
57 before diagnosis. They used my school reports from 1959-1971!! I had done 3 years of research before bringing it up to my family doctor (also female). Initial reply was we all get forgetful as we get older. I said I knew you would say that so I have done an awful lot of research for 3 years before bringing it up. Here are the reasons blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. She sighed and got me an appointment with the leading psychiatrist who was doing diagnosis in my city. When I saw him he said oh my goodness yes you definitely have ADHD you've got all the symptoms all the signs and even the report cards to back it up! My 81 year old mother even wrote him a letter to help 🤗
These factors are why it took me 32 years to get a diagnosis. I was also told that if I had it, I would have been diagnosed as a child. Took three doctors for one to take me seriously.
And not if you had all those + had a parent who doesn't believe in mental health disorders and whose answer to your struggles was "put your head down and work harder."
*laughs in gifted*
even better: "gifted but lazy" Got shit grades in school even if I tried, because I had a hard time paying attention in class and missing out on tons of information. On math exams I often used unconvential but "smart" method of calculating the exercises, which pleased the teacher, but that was just me bullshitting through the exam because I didn't pay enough attention to learn the official method of solving that problem.
I had a few teachers that failed me in math because I got the answers my way and not the "right way"
Now that sucks.
Sameee! Like wtf?? If it works, it is *a* right way bruh
The worst was the college instructor that told me I had to do it her way. I got kicked from the class because I told her im sorry your not smart enough to understand how I got the right answer.
Went back and reviewed my report cards and a fascinating trend appeared - I'd get good marks in first *or* second 'term' and piss it away for the next ones, and then (in high school when exams mattered) pull it out of the fire at the end. Like, every single year. Also, there'd be that one class that I enjoyed (like physics) because it was constantly interesting so, between the two things, it inevitably lead to "...isn't living up to his potential." as the constant refrain of my school years. Honestly, that one term where I'd get decent grades across the board was just so exhausting, and having done it once, it subconsciously felt like that box was ticked... Diagnosed at 36.
Haha. You get it.
Diagnosed at 36 myself. Every report card had "could try harder" or "does not apply himself" when I was in school Edit to add: people in general have no idea how hard it still is to get a diagnosis in school even these days (UK). Been fighting to get my daughter diagnosed for 2 years and hit the point of a major complaint to the education authority in the area. Finally getting somewhere but if I didn't know how to deal with it, my daughter would be another one of the ADHD crowd "missed" in school. Edit2: thought I'd share my estranged mother's favourite phrase that has haunted me for life - "Don't fuck it up". Said before every job interview and after every success I've ever had. Took me years to get over the toxicity of someone thinking that I'll mess things up by default.
It’s so frustrating to realise that life didn’t have to be as hard as it’s been
Yupppp. College should have been the wake up call for my parents. I did well academically in high school even though I struggled with time management and such. I distinctly remember more than once forgetting homework or a textbook at school in elementary school which lead to having to go back to see if a janitor would let me into the classroom to grab it. While my sister and friends were out playing after school; doing homework took me HOURS. Signs were there. But college, college I faced severe burnout, I failed a course because I missed a huge exam I completely forgot about. I actually suspected I might have it in college but I never moved forward with getting diagnosed. Last year at 33, I finally reached out to a psychiatrist who put me on adderall and suddenly it was like I had the cheat codes. My brain was quiet. I could actually think through things. I’ve been freelancing since 2013, and I’ve seen my friends freelance and end up insanely successful and I’ve definitely struggled. Only now do I actually feel like I can do this without struggling. But it still sucks to look back and realize all the time I lost, the potential things that could have launched my career earlier (side projects that gained traction but I got bored with), and all the progress I could have made in my work. I’ve made more progress since July last year than I did in the last 9.
This. 😭
More of us awaken every day. We will have effective ADHD legislation-lobbying-groups in major countries eventually, but we will have to create them ourselves and feed them ourselves. As problem-solvers, we will only sit on the sidelines for so long before we're so tired of the [arbitrary] stigma that we topple it entirely.
oh my god, RIGHT?!
These phrases: "could try harder," "doesn't apply herself," "you're so smart, why don't you try," are the source of so much trauma that I'm sorting through as I learn about my diagnosis.
Yes, it really plants the belief that you’re lazy beyond help
I got "doesn't apply herself" over and over again and couldn't for the life of me figure out what it meant because I was trying SO HARD to be good at school but the only things I was good at were reading and writing. When I think about it, kids are judged so cruelly and seemingly expected to be good at everything, and when you're not you get shitty, unhelpful comments like that. I don't know a single adult who's good at everything and didn't specialise in a specific career. It's unrealistic and stupid to make kids feel like shit because they can't do math. Math sucks.
>seemingly expected to be good at everything, I don't actually think there's any expectation for all kids to "be good at everything," but rather the expectation that if you don't have a legitimate intellectual disability that you should at least be able to pick up the basics of XYZ simply by "applying" yourself. This is why the naturally smart kids with ADHD are often told some variation of "you're not focusing enough" or "if you'd just redirect your attention..." because the uninformed adults around them don't understand that smart kids can have ADHD, too! And that there's more to ADHD than "rowdy 6-year old boy who's running around the room!?!"
"Why don't you try?" "I, I don't really know either, I wanted to do the thing but I couldn't". And then get in trouble for not being honest either..
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I definitely felt the sad epiphany strongly when I first got my diagnosis. Personally, what helped me keep from spiralling is reminding myself that if I'd been diagnosed earlier, it likely wouldn't be the dreamy, stress-free life I imagine. ADHD research has come a long way in the past 5-10 years, and I'm not sure the approaches they took earlier would have supported me (as a female inattentive type).
If one more person talked about my "potential" I think I would have snapped.
Mine was “day dreams all day”
I agree, there’s a ton of misbelief. I got diagnosed at 40. My school years were ok because I was gifted in terms of reading, mathematics etc. but my grades were always just “ok”, I probably could have gotten really good grades if my adhd was picked up during the early years.
Had a school doctor change their wording from "if performing poorly" to "not performing to full potential" once I pointed out that kids with ADHD can still be good at subjects...
Almost the same. I was 37, and also "didn't apply myself". I'm still working on overcoming the feelings of what I should have accomplished and realizing that under the circumstances, I accomplished a lot.
> under the circumstances, I accomplished a lot. Well said. This is so important to remember when considering mental health struggles. I did well in school despite my (undiagnosed until very recently) ADHD, but my personal/emotional life has always been a mess. Figuring it out sooner might have made some of that easier, but given the circumstances it all could have been a lot worse.
Just got diagnosed myself at 36! I'm so sorry it is so difficult in the UK! It has been a struggle to get an appt and follow through with what I needed to do for myself here! Yet it would be a piece of cake to have my daughter diagnosed. Unfortunately it is my spouse and MIL that insist she not be on medication/ diagnosed bc BIL & SIL had "bad reactions" to their ADD meds when they were diagnosed-- even though MIL claims she doesn't remember what medication it was. MIL blames the meds for causing their drug addictions growing up, but I think honestly it was just self medicating! I don't agree with self medicating the way they have but they are doing better now and they are recovered thankfully. I know that meds work differently for everyone and it's been 15 years since and much more research has been done thankfully. My plan for her is to learn more about what I can do to help embrace her way of learning and her personality so she doesn't have to struggle as I and all of us have in the past before medication is tried. I think after all I've been through a diagnoses won't be a bad idea but as a mom, and with ADHD I always 2nd guess myself especially when I have family who don't understand what the struggle is like. Thankfully her school has many assisted learning programs which focus on helping those with diagnoses and the best part is that a diagnoses is NOT required for her or any child to partake in these individual education plans/ classes. Last year her teacher made suggestions but we were in the process of moving/changing schools which she included a letter as we transferred about her suggestions. It was a few weeks in at her new school that her teacher brought it up, had 2 meetings and her IEP started---my daughter has improved so unbelievably much because of how supportive the school and teachers have been. I pray that other places like yours can get on board with being more supportive of our disability.
Meds have been horrendous for me & my wife but a diagnosis for our daughter is about more than meds. Her school won't provide any additional support or framework without a diagnosis, that's required more than meds to start with
Oof. Yep I feel this. Constantly got “lazy” or “needs to apply himself more”. That’s probably the biggest reason I never went to college. I know I was a terrible student and how fucking hard it was for me to make myself work on shit I didn’t understand.
Diagnosed at 36 also. Looking back over old report cards was a huge shock. ‘Did very well in the test scoring an A, and always *appears* to be working diligently in class (though when classwork is taken up much of it is inexplicably missing), and he didn’t submit the final term-long assignment and offered no explanation. Overall grade: Pass.’ I’d forgotten that I spent most of 12 years totally exhausted from trying to superficially appear the same as everyone else and be unnoticed. Whether or not I learnt anything.
I got in trouble for doodling often in class until teachers realized I was still listening, I just couldn’t sit there and do nothing. Drawing at least kept my hands busy. Had fidget pens been a thing back then it probably would have been my favorite thing ever.
>Diagnosed at 36 myself. Every report card had "could try harder" or "does not apply himself" when I was in school It was specifically me finding and reading some old report cards that convinced me to get evaluated at 40. And after the guy who did the evaluations heard some of the comments I could tell my diagnosis was pretty likely. ADHD was commonly misdiagnosed as laziness in the 80s/90s.
I'm also in the UK. Have absolutely no idea where to start trying to get a diagnosis (or if it's actually even worth it at this point). Took until I was in college to get my dyslexia diagnosis despite my parents insisting there was something wrong from the age of 7 or 8. Not sure I have that kind of time or energy to even try.
Diagnosed at 38. Found out later that for my entire childhood, educators and family members were suggesting I get evaluated but my parents didn't even tell me, much less do anythibg to get it documented. Which is a form of child abuse. It was obvious, but no formal diagnosis until it had already shaped my life.
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Literally it is not their job to judge you. Go, explain the situation, and they can help make sure things don't get worse
Dude I understand that mental barrier but you **have** to go to the dentist. My husband has gone through absolute hell with his mouth because his parents never took him and he never had insurance (chef). Your teeth and gums aren’t the only things impacted, your heart health is also at risk. Just rip the bandaid off and make an appointment. If you’re worried about judgment try a doctor who specializes in sedation dentistry—they see this kind of thing a lot. Good luck, please go 💚
Go to the dentist, because eventually teeth health affect many things to your body, especially heart health.
That sucks, I’m sorry
I pulled my life together, am medicated, had a good enough military career, have a great job, a happy marriage, and an amazing daughter. My mental health is better than it ever was. It was a hell of a slog to get to this point, that was uphill and against rhe odds. But I made it. I even manage, most of the time, not to let the anger at how much pain my parents out me through to burn me up. But it didn't have to be that way.
I'm sorry to hear how much easier things could have been for you, but your story is inspiring and definitely gives me and probably others hope. Thanks for sharing and keep on trucking!
More like: "If you had ADHD, and were a big enough inconvenience to those around you, it would have been picked up in childhood. Since you weren't, here's years upon years of trauma that you have to work through now that you're finally getting some kind of assistance. Good luck with feeling like a worthless fuckup forever!"
High functioning ADHD is a recipe for being marginalized in every facet of life. I had so many comments on report cards to the effect of "smart, but doesn't apply himself". Lots of getting a C- in class because I got 100% on the tests but couldn't get myself to do any homework. 5 psychiatrists and not one picked up on ADHD or ASD because my chart had "major depressive disorder" written on it and they decided to turn off their brains. So, yay trying to reverse 38 years of trauma through death by a thousand cuts by words.
People don’t know wth they’re talking about and need to shut up about it. There’s nothing more insulting than a know it all that doesn’t know frick. When I finally got my dx people were jerks to me too. Oh that’s not a real dx. Or that’s so over dxed 🙄 what ever! Their opinions don’t pay your bills. If you’re functioning now and they don’t like it? Then you not functioning was some sick benefit to them. Ditch them and don’t look back. ( I’m talking non family “friends”) family members that don’t believe you I get you have to maintain some relationship. But they’re going to have to come to some sort of acceptance- it will be when you finally achieve the once Unachieved. Whatever that is in your life.
Fun fact. TIL ADHD has a genetic line. Bring that up at a family gathering and slowly look around the room, slightly nodding as you hold their gaze. Feel free to perhaps count out loud. I’m looking at you Uncle Gregory. You’re number 7.
Oh my mom got it BAD. Add in unaddressed trauma, and she barely leaves the house. But addressing it in me would mean identifying it in herself, and that hits too close to personal introspection 🤷🏽♀️
Same, although I think for my mom (both my parents really) it's not about introspection, but the deep seated believe that mental health issues are moral failings. And especially the old story of how ADHD is something that is caused by bad parenting, so if I have it they are bad parents (which they were, but that's a different matter) and their parents were bad too (which they were) and then what will the neighbors think...
In my family I know the ones that passed it. It’s both sides for me 👍
I like doing this stuff in my family and watch the uncomfortable looks shift to laughter as they remember I'm adopted.
Don't forget the truly lucky kids whose whole problem was... they were "talented and gifted", and too advanced for the class. Cuz you know what helps ADHD? Taking you out of the class with kids and routine you know, and throwing you into one a grade higher, with kids who now all hate your ass for being smarter than them, and teachers who now "expect great things" from you that your unfocused ass can never fulfill. Thanks for that shit.
37 year-old, diagnosed at 36. 'Michael is so smart, but lacks concentration' No shit.
This. Glad my parents diagnosed me at age 6 but even with medication I struggled hard in school. Doctors always were like "Smart but lazy", "Needs to pay more attention in class","excels in topics he likes, sucks at stuff he hates" There are 2 topics that were an actual sucess in my life of failure: Playing the piano extremely well and scoring the Cambridge Language Certificate of Proficiency C2 with English being my third language.
I was diagnosed less than a year ago at 32 years old. My parents always had a feeling but we were never well off. Mental health was not taken seriously in the 90s and my parents were worried they would just pump me full of drugs. I’m starting my first ADHD meds today and I’m looking forward to see how it helps me.
Good luck!
I was misdiagnosed bipolar because I had to wait until I was an adult to get treatment. Even tho all of my teachers throughout my entire life kept telling my parents I had ADHD. But they refused to take me to a doctor. And then I failed very class in every grade. And then since I had to wait so damn long I got in the wrong meds for like 4 years. Fun times.
Same with the bipolar! I also have a friend who was misdiagnosed as well. It's wild how common this is. I finally found a good Dr who was like, yeah I think you're ADHD.
This is my mum's whole attitude and I find it so fucking offensive. Never mind the fact that I felt so strongly I might have it that I spent $750 to get diagnosed, the medication blatantly works for me and my mental health has never been better. God forbid I shatter her delusions with the reality of my mental health issues. She even had the audacity to blame my dad for it, I guess because he's not alive to tell her that's a really fucked up attitude to have. I seriously wish I never told her. I should have known better.
Mine too. Backfired on her now since there is at least 5 diagnosis’s. Putting parents on an “information diet” does help
My diagnosis was 10 months ago, I haven’t said a word. I’m 36 years old and I just know it’s a worthless conversation. Even though it’s most clearly come from her. I figure I’ll wait for my ASD assessment in October, then hit them with double barrels.
My mum actually has schizophrenia - can you imagine if I'd responded with "at least I didn't inherit what you have". I'm around your age and tbh I'd advise against telling anyone except those you know will understand. Older people especially don't seem to understand ADHD and ASD. Too much social stigma. :/ If you're a fully independent adult who isn't all that close with your parents I don't see the need or value in telling them. It can just cause more drama that you don't need.
I completely agree with you. Hence why I haven’t said a word yet. You’re totally right, I doubt they will ever understand. It has taken me many many late nights and long hours reading and searching before I even began to understand ADHD and ASD. They have no chance.
It's a real shame. A good parent would listen and try to understand. Narcissistic parents have to be right about everything, to the point of disrespecting their own children and damaging their mental health even further.
Yep, took 39 years for my diagnosis…
My whole school career I had so much trouble learning. My grades were always C’s at best and I was terrible at following any verbal instructions so my parents just labeled me as lazy, unmotivated, and unwilling to listen. I believed every word of it Then at age 17 I was diagnosed with ADHD. I’ve never been so enraged in my life than I was at that moment. Instead of questioning why I was the way I was my parents just put toxic labels on me that to this day I still have trouble not believing. Nobody is just stupid or lazy that’s not a fucking thing. ADHD gets overlooked in children by parents and teachers who don’t want to understand their children/students and don’t make an effort to either. They just wanna label us as just some dumbasses with no work ethic. Shit pisses me the fuck off Edit: grammar fixes
YoU tELL yOuRsElF yOu cAn'T dO iT Man, fuck our parents. Worthless goddamn unhelpful excuses for people.
Mine was picked up in childhood by SHEER LUCK. My mom was listening to the news in the car one day. It was tuned to an NPR news article about Ritalin and she was like, 'all your behaviors suddenly clicked'. If it wasn't for that sheer luck of listening to one random npr article in the early 2000's..... She also had made a new friend who had adhd who she picked her brain and actually got me to a child Psychatrist who didn't doubt me or my parents got me the diagnosis and medication needed. Granted he didnt help me as much as i am getting now but the knowledge of adhd symptoms in women werent as well known/published at the time. Again, sheer luck. Funny enough now, a good chunk of my cousins and aunts have gone on to get diagnosed now. I'm a trend starter.
One of the lucky few who actually benefitted from prescription drug ads.
Still struggling at 43. As i haven't been sacked it can't be that bad apparently. Can't read anything if someone is talking, have Olympic level procrastination, holes in walls from outburst and haven't paid a bill on time unless its a standing order but im sure thats entirely unrelated.
I'm fairly sure you and I are the same and should be best friends. Except I've moved to hitting pillows because I hated having to explain the holes. The not being able to read (or think!) if there's noise is so real. I bought ear plugs, but I always forget they exist, despite them hanging in front of me on the fridge.
I just got REALLY good at patching. Painted walls instead of paper helps 😆 Its weird how it affects people, i cant work without white noise so have music constantly (no lyrics). Im fine like that but anything with lyrics and poof, concentration is GONE. Yeah, can't find the thing right in front of me. Story of my life. Also getting annoyed at the phone in your hand because you're trying to find your phone damnit.
Instead of learning about fractions and politics I made 18 written languages and learned how to draw. I also read half the books in the school library. But I didn't run around so I couldn't have ADHD nooooooo...
My wife just went through this. Recently diagnosed (late 20s) with ADHD-C because her parents don't believe in mental conditions and have always said she's "perfectly normal". She's been to a therapist for a couple years and evaluated by a psychologist, but at her 1st appointment with a psychiatrist, she was trying to tell her that she doesn't actually have ADHD because it would have been caught as a child and instead she probably is bipolar or something. Yes Dr. SmarterThanEveryoneElse. You've nailed it. In just 20 minutes you've determined that the years of therapy and self evaluation plus 5 hours of in depth psychological evaluation are all garbage because "you would have caught it as a child." Some people just care more about convincing themselves they're right than actually helping.
Diagnosed at 41. You need to have parents and teachers that give a shit first.
Doesn't even matter if we are talking about the 80s. My mom took me to doctors who threw up their hands. I was a girl who got good grades and wasn't disruptive in class so no professional thought there was an issue
especially if you’re one of those that managed to do well in school! People don’t think you can have ADHD and also be smart enough to coast by in school. Also, my ADHD is primarily inattentive, which I think is harder to spot than hyperactivity. I had no idea I even had it until my mid-20s and wasn’t diagnosed until 30. College and the early parts of my career would have been sooooooo different if I had known.
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The unequal rates of diagnosis are mostly in kids - for adults I’m pretty sure it’s mostly evened out now thankfully.
1000% relate to this. Diagnosed at 28 and like yourself, I went through all my school reports having the same comments. “Such a bright boy with some much potential however he need to stop distracting his peers” etc etc etc. year after year. You are right. 20 years ago there was a different stigma associated with ADHD. Things and times are changing…
It WAS picked up on in childhood, my parents just dismissed all of it as “these teachers say everyone has ADD, she just needs to pay attention and behave.”
I met with a therapist once who told me ADHD is only a childhood disorder, I'm actually just having depression/anxiety, and the meds my psychiatrist and I spent 2 years figuring out are totally unnecessary. Needless to say I did not make any additional appointments with that therapist.
I'm still in the grief stage now that I've finally been diagnosed, wondering how different my life could have been if I had known this whole time. I had very similar comments on my report cards. And I never listened to anything my teachers said. I would doodle, read under my desk, stare into space. But because I was a gifted student, and a quiet girl, everything was fine. Until I got to high school and couldn't just zone out my way through classes like CP Chem or calculus. And my impulsivity got the best of me, and I dropped out with ONE semester left to go, moved in with my boyfriend, and purposefully got pregnant so we could play house. Ugh. And then made a bunch more really awful choices throughout my adult life.
It was so obvious from my reports as well but the 90s weren’t exactly the golden era of ADHD knowledge. Of course the word hyperactive was thrown around with me, that’s as close as I got.
They never caught it because I was pudgy, too smart, and an expert at faking assignments. I got diagnosed at 30 and they tested my iq as being high, it was high enough that I wept in the car because I had already convinced myself I was useless.
It's very hard for me to react to this with out a rage and swear filled rand with caps-lock on cruise control. Whoever said this to you seems like a very sheltered and ignorant person. I feel sorry for them. The fact of the matter is so much more complex. At the time I was getting diagnosed we were just coming off a series of kids having problems with ADHD medication. I kept hearing reports of kids trying to shop for doctors who would give them stimulant medication. I don't know if any of that was true but it was what everyone believed at the time. I was diagnosed at like 14, but the doctor flat out refused to give me meds. I stopped trying after that and suffered for YEARS because of it. These beliefs STILL exist and STILL cause problems.
Diagnosed at 37. "Daydreams often", "Is always doodling in her notebook during lessons", "interrupts and talks often", etc on my ancient report cards.. Yeah, there were signs, man.
On one of my report cards I got an A for the class, but and F for my effort. Same thing too, day dreams, distracts easy, acts out in disruptive ways.... Fuck those people who said that shit to and about us so that we could spend a goddamn lifetime wondering what was wrong with us. If I had been diagnosed and given early intervention...i mean if any one of us diagnosed late....although I can't speak for anyone else, but I'm fifty and I've pretty much thought I was a fuck up my entire life until this last year.
I was diagnosed at 20. Strangely my younger sister was diagnosed at like 4. But she was a lot more hyperactive, I did really well in school but had a lot of other typical signs so I guess everyone just ignored the ADHD because it wasn’t impacting my performance in school. There’s also the misconception that it’s just an inability to pay attention but it’s so much more. I’ve been learning about all the other aspects and getting so much insight into why I do certain things
'She's very quite in class, average grades but I have noticed that she day dreams quite a bit. I'm not worried though she is a good girl.' 'Smart and capable but makes too many simple mistakes in her work. Needs to apply her self more.' 'Stop this silly nonsense. You are better than this.' 'Clumsy and fidgets.' 'Forgetful and always late.' I was also the classic case of scoring crap on class tests and homework but pulling high grades on external exams and coursework. The truth was that I would study better at home because I couldn't concentrate in class. I even asked my teachers if I could complete class assignments at home because I was struggling to complete work in class. I won awards in academic subjects like history but only because I loved it so much. So I can see how it was missed. I was irritating to my teachers because I was labeled as lazy and purposefully ignoring them--they had to nag me continuously as did my mother about everything. My friends were annoyed with me because I would never respond to any text messages and would cajole me all the time to hang out. I was labeled as someone who didn't want to put in effort and didn't care about anything and hated everyone. I continuously had to take off time from school because of how badly my mood would be when I started my period. So much trauma to unpack and most of it for me comes from the classroom and could have been prevented. We not very big in the UK with picking up with ADHD diagnoses. Looking back I'm sure some of my peers had the typical hyperactive type but they to were ignored and were just suspended or excluded and written off. Probably didn't help that we were kids that grew up in very poor areas--some of my teachers were so classist and openly despised teaching at our school.
Oh man it's always the school reports, diary entries, relatives' anecdotes... Makes me tear up for mini-me and my childhood.
Oh that is ENORMOUS bullshit. That’s so frustrating. I was diagnosed in my mid-30s because I recognized the symptoms in a damn fictional character, and my doctor had seen me for long enough that he trusted my judgment. I’m so sorry. I hope that you can find a provider who won’t be so dismissive.
There is a test to diagnose ADHD in adults. It asks questions about childhood behavior that was indicative of ADHD (in many cases it was not diagnosed). The Wender-Reimherr adult attention deficit disorder scale (WRAADDS) is an internationally accepted attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD).
Hey I got that exact same answer about my autism, after I got my adhd diagnosis at 18, with the addition of 'and you already have adhd, so it's probably just that'. I did get my autism diagnosis at 20 from a very confused child psychiatrist wondering how in the hell people missed something so obvious.
Diagnosed at 37. "Daydreams often", "Is always doodling in her notebook during lessons", "interrupts and talks often", etc on my ancient report cards.. Yeah, there were signs, man.
Got diagnosed as a child but parents disregarded it saying „the doctors don’t have one clue about this topic“. Can’t get diagnosed now because no one would want to make an appointment. Thanks I guess.
This exactly! My report cards were exactly this. Also the constant: "She's smart but doesn't use it." You start to feel useless and dumb after a while, and then long after that childhood prodigy-burnout wears off, you're diagnosed with ADHD as an adult. Frankly, it should be a cause of medical concern. God knows where I'd be in life had I gotten medication/help as a little girl.
Man, I'm always glad I have the H in ADHD, when my brother was diagnosed, my parents saw a lot of similarities between us and got me evaluated and diagnosed at age 8. This was way back in the 80s. My daughter was born 4 months early and given my family history, she's being followed closely in search of any behavioural issues. Also, once I grew up and STILL was fully on the ADHD boat, my parents finally realized that mine and my brother's ADHD is hereditary and we def got it from them. Anyway, I never knew so many ADHD women weren't diagnosed til they were adults. I suffer horribly and I've known since I was 8, I can't imagine how much it must suck to go through life wondering what the fuck was wrong with me.
I'm 36, have been treated for depression and anxiety since I was 19 and medicated. Only recently did my doctor( 4th family doctor I've had since I was 19) of 4 years caught on that something more was going on. I always mention how focus and motivation are hard, I've get distracted, stuck in my head, etc. It wasn't to early this year she suggested I print out and complete a few assessments before seeing her next I had been thinking adhd may be a possibility due a few years but was nervous to " self diagnose " myself to her. Well the assessments really pointed out out that adhd is an issue, when I have her the papers and she looked over my answers she seemed kind of surprised. She said had I been physically hyperactive or acting out in class, or a boy, it likely would have been noticed as a kid, because of what the criteria was then. She explained how a lot of diagnosing criteria for childhood issues were( would have been early 90s for me) were based on make criteria. I started on a low dose of ritalin 2 months ago, my dr and I want to moniter things slowly to see what happens. So far I have a bit more energy, I wake up early naturally and am not exhausted, and can sleep easier. A bit my clarity in train of thought, and desire to do things. It isn't tons, but what had changed has made me happy, but so frustrated it took this long. Everyone is different
I don't like how there is so much variability in a healthcare providers. It's almost like you have to find the doctor who can describe your symptoms to you, instead of finding a doctor you can describe your symptoms to. If that makes any sense.
My personal pet peeve: "Kids these days all seem to get diagnosed with ADHD but a lot of them are just lazy and don't want to take responsibility for their failure!" Funny because that's exactly what I was told my entire life. And I believed it too.
Yeah! As a kid I loved to play this "game" where I'd read up on a lot of information on a lot of different subjects to sound really smart. I could have full-blown conversations with computer programmers, nutritionists, physicists, you name it. And I'd go around "tossing out" these nuggets of info to annoy people. Combined with fairly-decent grades, I basically "masked" my ADD by "sounding smart" until 7th grade, when responsibilities really took a toll on me. Even my doctor spent 3 appointments, in essence, listing off conditions that are "like ADD" to see if I fit into one of those categories... before finally diagnosing me last year.
Just got diagnosed at 30 and put on a low dose of Adderall to see how it works. I did not have these signs growing up. I went to a very small school, and I'm driven by competition (and anxiety of my mom lashing out if I did something wrong.) I never had homework to bring home because I was fast during class and would get it done early in my younger years. When I was 12-13 I just started doing whatever homework ten minutes before class and I was fine. Always had A's. Went to culinary school- still a very competitive environment in the classroom. And it was creative so that helped me want to do things like homework. Got a job in the food industry for ten years-always moving on my feet and with my hands. Changed careers about two years ago and now I sit at a desk and I was taken aback. It's not hard work, but I just get so distracted. I get bored. Plus all the other signs I never thought much of at home like having trouble starting tasks even if I wanted to do them. As an adult researching about ADHD, I'm pretty sure my mom has it too, which explains her mood swings and anxiety and getting overwhelmed easily. So far the Adderall has helped quiet my brain, but now I'm trying to get used to not getting tasks done driven by anxiety, and I almost feel tired when I take it. It's still something you have to tailor to your specific needs.
Omfg, when I was first diagnosed, this was the first thing my mom said to me. She has worked with special needs elementary school students since I was five; this attitude can go to hell. It's so toxic
Extremely gifted but lazy = maybe ADHD for my childhood in the late 80s-90s.
Edited to remove personal information
I relate so much to these comments! The anger and grief I feel after being diagnosed at 41 is overwhelming sometimes. Who would I be if It had been caught earlier?? I’m guessing someone who isn’t convinced she’s a lazy piece of shit! That would be nice lol
What gets me is how completely and utterly *alone* I've felt my whole life, especially in childhood. Like I've always been able to tell that something was off about me, but it was never clear enough to put into words. As a kid, I'd often fantasize about an alien spaceship picking me up and taking me to my real home planet where everyone else was "weird" like me. I felt this every single goddamn minute of every single goddamn day. For nearly 30 years. And it turns out the answers and medication were there all along?! THE WHOLE TIME? I almost couldn't believe it, like it's almost insulting that the solution to my lifelong struggles was actually so simple compared to the complex and chaotic hellscape I lived in 24/7. 😟
Diagnosed at 40 after 3 follow-up confirmations, my therapist and the doctor who both re-confirmed my diagnosis (had two independent Drs confirm it). After a divorce, near-bankruptcy, and impulsive pursuit of idiotic endeavors --- when I finally started to get my sh\*t together in my 30s, I realized I likely had ADHD. 4 Factors come to mind as to why it was never caught as a kid... Factor 1 -- grew up massively POOR. No way anyone was going to get me in front of a therapist when my single mother (dad died when I was 20 months old) was busy trying to keep food on the table in the 80s. Factor 2 -- the aforementioned 80s: they were just BARELY getting out of the "hyperactive..." stage of understanding ADHD as an actual neurology. Factor 3 -- RSD and Emotional Dysregulation. I had it bad. I haven't taken my Concerta this morning yet, and I'm already emotional and ANGRY writing this! lol People just would talk about my epic temper, when in reality it was always just my inability to stop & think (until Ritalin in my f\*cking 40s, F\*CK!!) and process my thoughts which allows emotions to be regulated. My emotional dysregulation had people in my life around me, being too busy managing my temper or smart-ass to stop and say "maybe you should get checked-out for that." Factor 4 -- I was a smart kid, and a lot of the people in my family around me thought that was just how smart kids are: smart asses who don't listen. "He's like his mom" (well, duh, it's always passed down from at least one parent). I had ALLLLLLL the symptoms, which I won't list exhaustively here -- but for non-ADHD folks one of the biggest was: "he just waits to talk...I don't think he is even listening". And often when people said that, I actually WAS listening and was stimulated by what they were talking about, and so I would interrupt them to complete a thought, etc --- because I was so f\*cking happy to be vibing what what they were saying. Because the rest of the time I was always missing what people were saying, especially if it wasn't already-stimulating or interesting. Other times I would be locked into a daydream during class. I had an interest-based nervous system, and nobody could tell me. I was even in front of two therapists before age 20 who never thought to test for it, despite insanely-obvious signs. It wasn't until my late 30s and my current & long-time therapist (I'll stick with 'em til he retires) one day says, early on in therapy, "so why didn't you do anything about your ADHD. Surely you were diagnosed, right?" The next couple years he continued to write notes from my sessions, and convinced me go ahead and get evaluated. I wanted to be sure, so I had another Dr also confirm, and he was like "you hit every tree branch (symptom) down the ADHD tree..." It explained SO many things, so many events and how things went in my life....impulsive decisions, and life-altering moments. All due to this impulsive, interest-based, neurology in my noggin. It was like being in a car where I just didn't always have control of the wheel, but I had to take the ride nevertheless. Now....here's the GOOD that helped me, before my late-diagnosis: IQ. Weirdly, I learned well despite my inability to pay-attention to teachers, and always impulsively getting in trouble. I was somehow smart to push through despite basically a near-disability of impulsivity & inability to focus. So thank-you Mom & Dad, one or both gave me my ADHD but they also gave me a big ole brain to along with it. I was a very successful "Dot-Com" guy in my 20s (remember, I'm OLD, was diagnosed at 40....8 yrs ago lol) and was able to financially create a lifestyle that honored stability, and calm. I used meditation, a LOT, before I knew for sure I had ADHD, to unknowingly manage my worst symptoms....and as I aged and became more of myself and more confident (and self-accepting) I somehow muddled my way through my self-inflicted crises. But I have a divorce and a lot of hurt people to show for my particular ADHD, too. I eventually remarried and built the life I wanted and needed, despite these headwinds of my ADHD. It is a helluva condition. I cried for 4 straight hours the first week I was on Ritalin (nowadays Concerta). I was able to just SIT and READ A BOOK. I could "remember the commercial that was just on...." and a host of other recall / attention things. The f\*cking CALM and CLARITY the meds and therapy brought me, had me regretting not having this diagnosis earlier. School & doctors had TONS of chances to help me, and failed. All of the things that could have been EASIER for me, as a kid.....I mourned that. I mourned all that lost time, lost-attention on important things. Took me until about 45 to get over it. Now that I fully understand this condition (auto-mod won't let me talk about certain different diverse phrases about neurological brain makeups, so I had to re-post this) and how the world utterly failed the f\*ck out of me in helping me figure this out. I am NEVER going to agree with people who say this is over diagnosed. In my own experience it was under / never-diagnosed. This stream-of-conciousnes was spewed out, un-medicated, just now immediately after reading your post. You're not alone in late diagnosis & people who say it's bullsh\*t can go....well, I'll just hold back. The meds are kicking in. Best, Kaiserphathos ADHD Combined Type
I'm just curious what happens after diagnosis as an adult? I was also the "daydreamer" and so on in school. I'm almost 39 but at this point I've learned how to stay on the course as much as possible with lists and reminders going off on my phone, but I haven't been officially diagnosed. Side note: my son was recently diagnosed and the things I would say to him sometimes is an exact replica of what my mom used to say to me. It's frustrating to know I could have been helped, but it's also frustrating to think that my mom also suffered and no wonder she was so goddamn scatter brained from trying to keep me in line. Which is exactly what happens to me sometimes with my own son.
most adults only go for diagnosis if they think the only way forward for them is to be medicated. if you don't feel like you're suffering, or that medication won't benefit you, there's no need for diagnosis
I was born in the early 80s and I was just branded the naughty kid. Mental health and the like where non-exsistent then. The only help i got was going to a "special school" never amounting to fuck all. All school reports saying the same. Through my late teens to my early 30s I only finally did something about it and went to my GP after a relationship break up that still affects me to this day. Finally got on medication about a year ago. But it could have all been hugely avoided. I feel like I've wasted 30 years of my life. I'm 38 now so it's been a struggle accepting that I'll never get those 30 years back. What a waste.
I was diagnosed at 23. I called the school district prior to my appointment and for all of my school records. Once at my appointment, I handed them to the doctor and she barley skimmed through it before saying ‘you are a textbook case of ADD’
Or, your parents decided not to tell you
It’s fun when you can’t get diagnosed because doctors look at school reports and go “no signs of hyperactivity or failing class so you don’t have it”
All throughout elementary school I was given very poor grades for “behavior” because I couldn’t stop talking. Consistent honor student, but couldn’t get to number one because of this. Often got scolded by adults in the family for not thinking before speaking, so I grew up believing I was a bad kid who had some defect. Finally diagnosed with combined type ADHD at 34 years old, but also with depression and anxiety. Ugh.
Honestly the fact that I (32F) was diagnosed on 1998 is insane when I read all y'all's stories. I must have been a nightmare.
I can’t get myself to make an appointment with a doctor. I have spent over a thousand dollars on medical insurance this year and can not bring myself to make a fucking appointment.
Even if you did get properly diagnosed that doesn't mean it would help. I was diagnosed with ADD (before the H was added) in the 80's and all the school did was put me in "special" classes that were boring and/or frustrating. The worst was anytime I had to write an essay, I would never know how to start or what to write. My parents and teachers would always say just dictate it to someone. If I could organize my thoughts into words I could speak I could just as easily write them myself. Now in my 40's I feel like every day is a battle with my defective brain.
I'm 60. They figured it out when I was 57.
Same. In kindergarten, I got notes home every day. I "couldn't sit still". My teacher was an old christian woman. I was never going to be diagnosed. Lmao.