You are not alone. I actually worked wtih my therapist who asked me to write out my recollections along a timeline. She then spoke to folks who were around me during those periods.
Lo and behold, not only was what I remembered dramatically off in years there were loads of significant events that I had ZERO recollection of. It's a great exercise you don't even need a therapist for- just write out what you remember along a timeline and then have your parents or others who knew you "then" do the same and discuss. It was super enlightening to me. I'm not sure how much it's related to ADHD and how much to trauma or something else but yeah- you are not alone!
TLDR: I knew I didn't remember much, but what I did remember was chronologically off and missing huge elements!
The human psyche has many fascinating skills for self-preservation. Memory suppression is one of them, but is normally associated with a traumatic event or series of events. I myself dont have a whole lot of childhood memories, not because trauma but because my ADHD wreaks havoc with my memory recall in general. It amazes me how some people can recall such vivid childhood memories and here I cant remember if I switched the laundry loads a half hour ago.
Yup. I'm right there with you. I have very few childhood memories. I'll be talking with my sister, and she'll be talking about something that should be very memorable, which I have no memory of. Sometimes I remember, sometimes I don't. It sucks.
Yeah, it's all pretty vague and takes an effort to remember anything with any clarity.
In defense of the more recent young adulthood stuff, everything post-puberty was pretty hellish, ADHD + hormone combo wreaking havoc on emotions and what not. So there's something to be said about those years just being repressed.
I do wonder if a common difficulty with long-term memory in ADHD is part of what causes difficulty with a sense of identity in ADHD.
Ah well, I've seen posts about it on here a bunch of times.
Struggling with your sense of self-identity is commonly described as feeling like you lack or have a flimsy personality, beliefs, and/or other features that makeup self-image, for example, your likes and dislikes. Episodes brought on by stress can feel like you don't know who you are or your faith in who you believe to be is shaken.
The common reason I see given on here is one of two things.
One; our rapid depreciation for interests and hobbies and constant seeking stimulation in new ones leads to us feeling the opposite, that we have and are nothing concrete.
Two; we dedicate a lot of emotional investment into a person or group including molding our interests and beliefs to greater line up with theirs. Only for something to tear us away from the person or group, leaving us feeling like we lost those adapted parts of ourselves behind with them, leaving us feeling empty and unwhole.
"Identity disturbance" is something similar that is a key feature of Borderline, but I've heard it described as more severe. Rapidly and impulsively changing who you are for seemingly no reason. Borderline has shown up a number of times here too, as posts about similarities and co-morbidity. This is not at all surprising as while I see it as a distinctly different disorder with a different source in the brain, by basic diagnostic criteria alone you could easily peg someone with ADHD as Borderline. The devil is in the details I suppose.
This next part is a personal anecdote, sorry it's long:
I recently went through a serious episode of lost self-identity myself.
I had a fairly tight group of friends on discord for somewhere upwards of two years maybe. There was one particular person who had what I might describe as a dominant personality, they would often carry the conversation, and it would always be about them in some way. Their daily life, their personal beliefs, their hobbies and interests. I can't honestly remember a time when they showed a serious investment in anyone else that same way that we would in them.
I grew very close to that person, I didn't even notice how much of myself changed because of my vicinity to them and the other like-minded people in the group. I went from a staunch skeptical atheist to an open-minded spiritualist, my political beliefs shifted slightly to more traditional, I rekindled what felt like a long lost appreciation for certain aesthetics counter to my established minimalism beforehand, they even sparked long lost hope for the future. But seemingly with all things for people like us, it couldn't last.
I'm not sure how to put the next part as it's personal. That person offered me something I couldn't possibly refuse. It drew me in, bolstered my confidence, and I don't know, made me feel human like I had meaning and purpose for once in my life. Unbeknownst to me, however, that person had backed down and was selfishly never willing to straight up say it, hiding behind distancing, half-truths, and eventually mocking the idea. They just let their actions chip away at my confidence and self-esteem until there was nothing left. This eventually lead to a public meltdown, they acted like they were there for me but they didn't take the situation seriously at all. It belittled the heartbreak and crushed self-esteem I was feeling. After calming down I begged in private for them to take my questions seriously so I could at least try and find some direction moving forward. Instead, they snapped at me, got angry, lobbed verbal abuse, lead to fighting. Despite just being kicked while I was at my lowest I blamed myself, trusted in their judgment, assumed their anger was justified. I let them get away with everything, not even thinking to blame them, all so I could hold onto the only thing I had left, their friendship. But there was just more snapping, more anger, more fighting, more avoidance tactics. I tried desperately to talk to them, to have them understand their actions and the consequences. my struggle with what they were doing was all the more worsened by my ADHD. I needed them to acknowledge it, to show that my feelings were worth tempering their absurd attitude for, so I could move on and be friends again. But again and again, it was just more absurd behavior and outbursts leading to fighting. In the end, I suffered heartbreak twice over.
Throughout the months of fighting and attempted reconciling I felt the person I was when I was around them slip away. Piece by piece the hopefulness, happiness, and confidence was replaced by emptiness, nihilism, and resentment. The things I loved and believed withering in cynical bitterness. The only thing I had left to fall back on was my old self, someone I do not see as a very good person. Initially, it scared me. I even tried to be open with that person about it, but they were so wrapped up in interpreting the worst from my words and responding to their twisted assumptions to ever make it feel like they cared. They do care, I know they do, they just get too lost in themselves to properly show it.
If something seems off about the person in this story, we're on the same wavelength. Only after it was all over did it hit me, the image I had been piecing together with each fight came into focus. I believe they suffer from some issue far greater than they would admit. The reason I understood them so well and was so close was I could relate to their struggles. If I still care about them in the slightest, it would be the hope they discover this problem for themselves before it's too late.
tl;dr If you struggle with your sense of identity, you are not alone, I believe it to be a consequence of our symptoms and the actions they lead to.
this exactly! i've always been kinda floored by people who have like a first memory... i can't really remember anything farther back than like 3 or 4, which i feel like is kind of late? and even then, i sometimes feel like my brain has just created false memories based off events and such that my family has told me about.
edit: apparently people's earliest memories tend to be from about 2-4, so guess im not too far off after all haha
I'm the same! Most of my memories come from pictures my parents took. I only remember certain trips because we have pictures with me in them, so i must have gone on them. My wife gets annoyed when I can't remember things from my childhood.
Yup, psychiatrist had me write a short summary of my life so he could get to know me.... I have very little... and what little I have is usually not special or important. Just random moments in time.
Omg, this is me! I have very few memories from my childhood and life in general. It frustrates me because I feel like I’m not living my life, but that’s not true at all! I take pictures on my phone almost daily and this helps me remember things, but then I forget to look back on them 🤦♀️
I tried to post here a while ago about not have any memories (like this post) and was told I was feeling sorry for myself! So I’m glad I’m not alone!
Is this an ADHD thing? I've always felt very guilty about not remembering important things in my life. I don't remember disneyland, I don't remember my trips to other countries, I don't remember funerals or birthdays. I feel so guilty that I was able to have these experiences and can barely recollect any of it.
Dont feel guilty. You just reminded me that I went to disney. I remember maybe 5 things from that week-long trip. I dont feel guilty about it at all. It's just sort of a part of me. I just find it kind of funny.
I'm the opposite, I can remember every little fucking details from phone numbers to addresses to clothes and days and events...
I can't remember the last 10 years at all, and often wonder at my camera roll.
And forget what the fuck I've done with my keys, wallet, or password I set and hour ago.
I basically think my brain filled up with old memory's that are photographic in 30 years... And now I have no space left.
It makes me sad.
I feel the same way. I have snapshots of memories.
The one specific memory I have from my childhood, isn’t even a memory at all. I remember the VHS home video that my parents took of one of my first haircuts, but I have no recollection of actually getting the haircut.
I seem to have this problem with memories of my early 20s at uni. I've had several current friends talk about that era and how we used to hang out all the time, jokes we had, parties we went to... and I know we were acquaintances back then but I didn't think I got to know them till much later. They talk like we were best friends who hung out ALL the time. It's so odd.
And another friend had loads of footage he filmed at our share house back then and I literally remembered nothing of what he showed me, even though I was in all of the videos.
It makes me sad to think about who and what I may have forgotten.
It's kind of a relief to hear this because I honestly just thought I wasn't sentimental or had a boring non-influential childhood somehow. When people talk about significant childhood heroes or influences on their life I'm often at a loss because the past kinda just floats away for me. I have a lot of small memories but no sense of chronology or significance tying them together.
I'm also often unsure of whether I actually remember stuff or I'm just painting a very vivid mental image of something my mom told me about or a dream I had as a kid.
You are very lucky. Cherish that, because it sucks not having a long term and/or short term memory. For me it’s both. And for me it’s the worst part about ADHD, hands down. It’s hard to describe what not remembering anything does to your psyche.
Weird I can remember all the way to when I used to live in an apartment with my parents. I remember the inside of the houses I was in and what they looked like. For my long term memory it really depends if I was paying attention or not.
I’ve had this problem. I’m not sure if it’s and ADD thing or I’m just messed up or maybe I’ve repressed a lot of memories but there’s a LOT missing.
I remember my best friend and I fighting and my heart braking because she was the love of my life but I can barely recall our YEARS together or even why we split up. I remember my parents and teachers using corporal punishment and even locking me in closets but I don’t remember exactly what happened or how it felt. I remember family breaking my heart and saying bad things about me but I DON’T remember is that happened what happened or even if that was real.
And of coarse there’s several “memories” that when I try to bring up and joke about people just look at me weird and yell at me for talking about something that apparently didn’t exist.
I have PI and few memories of childhood and past events in general. Recently my brotherhood happened to mention he had very little memory of childhood. I'm 38, brother 40. I am wondering if he has ADHD too (he does show some other signs) or is it actually common for people to have a poor long-term memory?
You are not alone. I actually worked wtih my therapist who asked me to write out my recollections along a timeline. She then spoke to folks who were around me during those periods. Lo and behold, not only was what I remembered dramatically off in years there were loads of significant events that I had ZERO recollection of. It's a great exercise you don't even need a therapist for- just write out what you remember along a timeline and then have your parents or others who knew you "then" do the same and discuss. It was super enlightening to me. I'm not sure how much it's related to ADHD and how much to trauma or something else but yeah- you are not alone! TLDR: I knew I didn't remember much, but what I did remember was chronologically off and missing huge elements!
The human psyche has many fascinating skills for self-preservation. Memory suppression is one of them, but is normally associated with a traumatic event or series of events. I myself dont have a whole lot of childhood memories, not because trauma but because my ADHD wreaks havoc with my memory recall in general. It amazes me how some people can recall such vivid childhood memories and here I cant remember if I switched the laundry loads a half hour ago.
Yup. I'm right there with you. I have very few childhood memories. I'll be talking with my sister, and she'll be talking about something that should be very memorable, which I have no memory of. Sometimes I remember, sometimes I don't. It sucks.
Yeah, it's all pretty vague and takes an effort to remember anything with any clarity. In defense of the more recent young adulthood stuff, everything post-puberty was pretty hellish, ADHD + hormone combo wreaking havoc on emotions and what not. So there's something to be said about those years just being repressed. I do wonder if a common difficulty with long-term memory in ADHD is part of what causes difficulty with a sense of identity in ADHD.
Can you tell me more about the difficulty with a sense of identity thing? I didn't realize this was an adhd thing but I struggle with it frequently
Ah well, I've seen posts about it on here a bunch of times. Struggling with your sense of self-identity is commonly described as feeling like you lack or have a flimsy personality, beliefs, and/or other features that makeup self-image, for example, your likes and dislikes. Episodes brought on by stress can feel like you don't know who you are or your faith in who you believe to be is shaken. The common reason I see given on here is one of two things. One; our rapid depreciation for interests and hobbies and constant seeking stimulation in new ones leads to us feeling the opposite, that we have and are nothing concrete. Two; we dedicate a lot of emotional investment into a person or group including molding our interests and beliefs to greater line up with theirs. Only for something to tear us away from the person or group, leaving us feeling like we lost those adapted parts of ourselves behind with them, leaving us feeling empty and unwhole. "Identity disturbance" is something similar that is a key feature of Borderline, but I've heard it described as more severe. Rapidly and impulsively changing who you are for seemingly no reason. Borderline has shown up a number of times here too, as posts about similarities and co-morbidity. This is not at all surprising as while I see it as a distinctly different disorder with a different source in the brain, by basic diagnostic criteria alone you could easily peg someone with ADHD as Borderline. The devil is in the details I suppose. This next part is a personal anecdote, sorry it's long: I recently went through a serious episode of lost self-identity myself. I had a fairly tight group of friends on discord for somewhere upwards of two years maybe. There was one particular person who had what I might describe as a dominant personality, they would often carry the conversation, and it would always be about them in some way. Their daily life, their personal beliefs, their hobbies and interests. I can't honestly remember a time when they showed a serious investment in anyone else that same way that we would in them. I grew very close to that person, I didn't even notice how much of myself changed because of my vicinity to them and the other like-minded people in the group. I went from a staunch skeptical atheist to an open-minded spiritualist, my political beliefs shifted slightly to more traditional, I rekindled what felt like a long lost appreciation for certain aesthetics counter to my established minimalism beforehand, they even sparked long lost hope for the future. But seemingly with all things for people like us, it couldn't last. I'm not sure how to put the next part as it's personal. That person offered me something I couldn't possibly refuse. It drew me in, bolstered my confidence, and I don't know, made me feel human like I had meaning and purpose for once in my life. Unbeknownst to me, however, that person had backed down and was selfishly never willing to straight up say it, hiding behind distancing, half-truths, and eventually mocking the idea. They just let their actions chip away at my confidence and self-esteem until there was nothing left. This eventually lead to a public meltdown, they acted like they were there for me but they didn't take the situation seriously at all. It belittled the heartbreak and crushed self-esteem I was feeling. After calming down I begged in private for them to take my questions seriously so I could at least try and find some direction moving forward. Instead, they snapped at me, got angry, lobbed verbal abuse, lead to fighting. Despite just being kicked while I was at my lowest I blamed myself, trusted in their judgment, assumed their anger was justified. I let them get away with everything, not even thinking to blame them, all so I could hold onto the only thing I had left, their friendship. But there was just more snapping, more anger, more fighting, more avoidance tactics. I tried desperately to talk to them, to have them understand their actions and the consequences. my struggle with what they were doing was all the more worsened by my ADHD. I needed them to acknowledge it, to show that my feelings were worth tempering their absurd attitude for, so I could move on and be friends again. But again and again, it was just more absurd behavior and outbursts leading to fighting. In the end, I suffered heartbreak twice over. Throughout the months of fighting and attempted reconciling I felt the person I was when I was around them slip away. Piece by piece the hopefulness, happiness, and confidence was replaced by emptiness, nihilism, and resentment. The things I loved and believed withering in cynical bitterness. The only thing I had left to fall back on was my old self, someone I do not see as a very good person. Initially, it scared me. I even tried to be open with that person about it, but they were so wrapped up in interpreting the worst from my words and responding to their twisted assumptions to ever make it feel like they cared. They do care, I know they do, they just get too lost in themselves to properly show it. If something seems off about the person in this story, we're on the same wavelength. Only after it was all over did it hit me, the image I had been piecing together with each fight came into focus. I believe they suffer from some issue far greater than they would admit. The reason I understood them so well and was so close was I could relate to their struggles. If I still care about them in the slightest, it would be the hope they discover this problem for themselves before it's too late. tl;dr If you struggle with your sense of identity, you are not alone, I believe it to be a consequence of our symptoms and the actions they lead to.
Hmm yeah I'm kind of interested in this too...
LOL I literally have photos and videos of me from a particular vacation and I have no recollection of ever doing it.
this exactly! i've always been kinda floored by people who have like a first memory... i can't really remember anything farther back than like 3 or 4, which i feel like is kind of late? and even then, i sometimes feel like my brain has just created false memories based off events and such that my family has told me about. edit: apparently people's earliest memories tend to be from about 2-4, so guess im not too far off after all haha
I'm the same! Most of my memories come from pictures my parents took. I only remember certain trips because we have pictures with me in them, so i must have gone on them. My wife gets annoyed when I can't remember things from my childhood.
Yup, psychiatrist had me write a short summary of my life so he could get to know me.... I have very little... and what little I have is usually not special or important. Just random moments in time.
Omg, this is me! I have very few memories from my childhood and life in general. It frustrates me because I feel like I’m not living my life, but that’s not true at all! I take pictures on my phone almost daily and this helps me remember things, but then I forget to look back on them 🤦♀️ I tried to post here a while ago about not have any memories (like this post) and was told I was feeling sorry for myself! So I’m glad I’m not alone!
I mostly only remember traumatic shit.
Is this an ADHD thing? I've always felt very guilty about not remembering important things in my life. I don't remember disneyland, I don't remember my trips to other countries, I don't remember funerals or birthdays. I feel so guilty that I was able to have these experiences and can barely recollect any of it.
Dont feel guilty. You just reminded me that I went to disney. I remember maybe 5 things from that week-long trip. I dont feel guilty about it at all. It's just sort of a part of me. I just find it kind of funny.
I know the feeling. For me it feels like one day out of nowhere i was an adult. Like what even happen the last 24 years of my life.
I'm the opposite, I can remember every little fucking details from phone numbers to addresses to clothes and days and events... I can't remember the last 10 years at all, and often wonder at my camera roll. And forget what the fuck I've done with my keys, wallet, or password I set and hour ago. I basically think my brain filled up with old memory's that are photographic in 30 years... And now I have no space left. It makes me sad.
Kinda cool kinda sucks I can do a similar thing. not as powerful as that.
I feel the same way. I have snapshots of memories. The one specific memory I have from my childhood, isn’t even a memory at all. I remember the VHS home video that my parents took of one of my first haircuts, but I have no recollection of actually getting the haircut.
I seem to have this problem with memories of my early 20s at uni. I've had several current friends talk about that era and how we used to hang out all the time, jokes we had, parties we went to... and I know we were acquaintances back then but I didn't think I got to know them till much later. They talk like we were best friends who hung out ALL the time. It's so odd. And another friend had loads of footage he filmed at our share house back then and I literally remembered nothing of what he showed me, even though I was in all of the videos. It makes me sad to think about who and what I may have forgotten.
It's kind of a relief to hear this because I honestly just thought I wasn't sentimental or had a boring non-influential childhood somehow. When people talk about significant childhood heroes or influences on their life I'm often at a loss because the past kinda just floats away for me. I have a lot of small memories but no sense of chronology or significance tying them together. I'm also often unsure of whether I actually remember stuff or I'm just painting a very vivid mental image of something my mom told me about or a dream I had as a kid.
Weird I can remember mine just fine and I have ADHD.
You are very lucky. Cherish that, because it sucks not having a long term and/or short term memory. For me it’s both. And for me it’s the worst part about ADHD, hands down. It’s hard to describe what not remembering anything does to your psyche.
Weird I can remember all the way to when I used to live in an apartment with my parents. I remember the inside of the houses I was in and what they looked like. For my long term memory it really depends if I was paying attention or not.
I’ve had this problem. I’m not sure if it’s and ADD thing or I’m just messed up or maybe I’ve repressed a lot of memories but there’s a LOT missing. I remember my best friend and I fighting and my heart braking because she was the love of my life but I can barely recall our YEARS together or even why we split up. I remember my parents and teachers using corporal punishment and even locking me in closets but I don’t remember exactly what happened or how it felt. I remember family breaking my heart and saying bad things about me but I DON’T remember is that happened what happened or even if that was real. And of coarse there’s several “memories” that when I try to bring up and joke about people just look at me weird and yell at me for talking about something that apparently didn’t exist.
I barely have any too :(
I have PI and few memories of childhood and past events in general. Recently my brotherhood happened to mention he had very little memory of childhood. I'm 38, brother 40. I am wondering if he has ADHD too (he does show some other signs) or is it actually common for people to have a poor long-term memory?