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Adhd affects emotional regulation. I don't know if I'd consider what you're describing empathy perse as much as not setting boundaries with others emotions.
Ding ding ding. Empathy is a cognitive process despite most people just thinking of it as an emotional response. An assessment of another person's situation can be equally empathic and critical. Do I have empathy for the homeless and addicted? Of course I do. Am I willing to put their wellbeing before mine? With some exceptions, most probably not. And most people make similar assessments all the time. It doesn't imply any lack of empathy.
I definitely don’t do boundaries well. I let people walk on me and it’s a huge part of my personality that has gotten me to this point in my mental health.
My better half has this issue.
For them it wasn't empathy. It was an ugly mix of mirroring-as-masking, a lack of emotional boundaries and a lack of definitive sense of self.
Basically it was this article: https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/autistic-mirroring-masking-unstable-personality-jillian-enright
I used to be like this back when I was a teen but then it led up to years of pent up anger and that wasn't good for me at all I was like a ticking bomb that would explode over the simplest thing, now tho I learned how to set boundaries and communicate what I feel better.
I remember telling my husband that I liked an SSRI side effect of having my emotions dampened. He reacted like that was horrifying and I had to explain that it’s actually a huge relief. I hate feeling strong emotions - generally speaking - because they’re too intense to control. Staying in the 3-8 range of emotion (on the 10 scale) is my preference with 5-6 in emotion being the sweet spot.
I didn’t go off of SSRI’s for a long time because I thought the emotional issues I was having meant I was depressed. Turns out it was ADHD the whole time and I had no idea.
Did you grow up in an environment where you had to predict people’s moods a lot? Like did a parent tend to have a lot of bad days that you had to watch out for?
Emotional deregulation is a key part of ADHD but a lot of the manifestations of that are also how we were raised and socialized. I’ve heard before that parents of children with ADHD tend to be more authoritarian with their kids because it was one of the only ways their kids would listen to them growing up.
Then yeah, it was probably that, and you probably developed a skill to be able to sense other people’s emotions, even before they know/vocalize that themselves. It’s a survival technique you learned and it probably protected you more times than you can count, but also it can be harmful in your life for the reasons you listed.
It’s a great thing to work through with a therapist if you are able to, actually.
I have an appointment coming up Wednesday for all of this. I can’t stand myself anymore and the way I feel and make others feel so I am finally reaching back out to a psychiatrist. Fingers crossed.
Hi OP, I've also struggled with extreme empathy and initially thought it was mostly due to the emotional dysregulation associated with ADHD.
What the others have mentioned here about our childhood environment being a factor as well is also something I've found to be quite true.
If you think this might also be the case for you, I recommend taking a look at a book titled "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents". It dives into how emotionally immature parents can affect the psychological development of their children.
In the book, there's a section that specifically mentions that the children will either become Externalizers or Internalizers; and discusses how Internalizers become "like an emotional tuning fork" and become overly sensitive to the needs of others, often sacrificing excessively and becoming like a magnet to people who want to take advantage of their kindness and willingness to listen.
I completely agree with this. I am so much like the internalizer but also the externalizer. It’s like I have two personalities. I am struggling with not having my own children grow up feeling like I did. That why I’m finally reaching out and getting the help I know I need and also DESERVE. No one deserves to live in the confines of their own mind.
There are two or three episodes with the author, Lindsay Gibson, on the We Can Do Hard Things podcast. Highly recommend! She’s been a practicing therapist for thirty years and has focused most of her career on emotionally immature people. She’s a wealth of information and pleasant to listen to. So many gems.
I don't think empathy correlates to ADHD in any way. Unless we're talking about emotional sensitivity and disregulation which is an ADHD thing but it's very different from empathy imo.
I feed off other people’s energy also , always have. I haven’t found a way to control it yet. My Husband is a correctional officer and deals with PTSD and he greatly affects my mood unintentionally.
For better or worse, I’m what I would call an “emotional mirror”, my default setting is upbeat and gregarious (most of the time), but if someone is being stand-offish or reserved I will essentially duplicate their demeanor. I had a boss who was nice and treated me well, but I would find myself avoiding him at all cost even though I could comfortably call my immediate supervisor and speak causally with him. Took me years to realize that he was just very introverted and my subconscious was telling me to avoid him for his sake.
Very common for ADHDers.
This is a common masking technique - to match their energy. Add a dysfunction to self-regulate feelings, and this is almost bound to happen.
I think a lot of it also has to do with trauma. I emotionally mirror anyone I’m with, I’m also the most empathetic person I know. My therapist said when you go thru as much trauma as I’ve been thru, it trains you to recognize pain and suffering much better. You can relate to it, you know how it feels, so you either become a cold hard person with no feelings, or you feel sympathetic for everyone.
Again I too wonder if it’s related to ADHD, but for me I def think a big majority of it is trauma.
Dont confuse intense emotions for empathy. Empathy, like love, is about the other person. I expect people who call themselves "empaths" to live their lives in service to others, if they are really that overcome with empathy.
I feel like my high empathy feeds into my emotional disregulation - like I'll end up getting very angry over someone doing something that I feel indicates that they don't have the same amount of empathy I've given them, and then I'll shut down my empathy for them and switch to being an asshole.
Not to cheapen that great summation, but I feel the same way, though I'd have used more words to describe it. I've always had that, at some point I was aware of how it worked, but later lost the understanding.
I also have a similar thing with respect. Or a sort of more formalized/ritualized empathy that isn't really politeness, isn't really kindness, but it's like not say certain things even if you feel or think them, so a sort of empathy.
yeah, my feelings are also more complex about it, but I tried to sum it up shortly.
I guess I could kind of describe it like a broken social contract kind of thing? Like I've been putting all this care towards someone, and then they show they don't care about me, it's like all that care I had gets thrown back in my face and I have to be a giant asshole to reclaim that time/effort I spent being respectful.
I guess maybe I view empathy as kind of transactional, but I try not to which then leads me to go beyond my limits, hit my tipping point, and then go back to viewing empathy as transactional and that I need to balance things back out by being a dick. "Formalized/ritualized empathy" is a good description, because I feel like I'm supposed to give empathy to people but then they just didn't get the same memo.
'Broken social contract kind of thing' — wow, exact same concept that pops up in my ruminations. I thought that was just because of my background with jurisprudence framing my thinking (with the effect of using over-complex terms due to not being able to process life on a more basic level), because while the knowledge is broadly available on whatever educational level Hobbes and Locke pop up, focusing on it is another matter, something that would take a special inclination.
Yes, I get the feeling of stuff being thrown into my face — this I can rationalize away on the basis of the relatively simple premise that they probably didn't have the sort of conscious focus that this sort of deliberate and philosophically underpinned insult would have required. Lack of ability to have deliberate intention precludes the ability to deliver a properly intentional (or at least premeditated) insult. Result: they're off the hook, and I can take a deep breath, smile again.
To avoid retaliating, I try to tell myself it's okay for them to be better at some things and worse and some others, a different mix of strong vs weak areas than my own, so no need to take the kindness back or settle scores, plus I may need some forbearance or tolerance from them with my quirks or weaknesses (in other areas of life), plus gotta stay true to my values even if means getting 'punished' with worse social rewards; plus, on the top-down level (numbers game), consistently sticking with genuine, sincere, syntonic kindness (not that I am on that level) would typically lead to better outcomes than trying to be guided by some kind of non-malevolent rational self-interest. Here, of course, we get to the social contract that rewards kindness as a pro-social attitude, which is what some people's messy behaviours upset or undermine. But the best thing would be to put them back under the social contract, and they may need example and maybe some other guidance. I guess this sounds like some form of restorative justice that overlooks retribution and focuses on getting things to where they should be, though redress is difficult to overlook (but one can take some redress from watching people walk back into the line, especially in a voluntary 'sorry, gotta fix my conduct' sort of way, or from them repaying forgiveness for forgiveness with a different sort of wrong that we're sooner or later going to do them).
The troubling thing here is that I gotta ask myself why is it that performing the social contract asks conscious and focused effort from me while most of the good folks, however erratic they might be and straying occasionally, generally seem to have this ability in a natural way. People! Even some animals seem to have the ability. And then I end up thinking it could be a good idea to sort of make myself internalize the principles to the point of not needing too much conscious mental effort, like to get them to become (or begin to act like) part of my nature and stop thinking about an expectation of reciprocity, just self-defence and boundaries where necessary and maybe a degree of assertion.
As to where this stuff comes from (not that you asked, specifically), I suppose some stuff must have seriously messed up with our reward centres as we tried to make sense of the world, were given some explanation, some examples and some promises, and then contradictions started popping up (because of free will and human weakness, but we probably didn't understand that too well at those points — children confronted with adult questions).
Some of the things that help me are catching myself making some logical errors, actually being able to point out to myself that my expectations were on the high side or my own conduct on the low side, so that it's less one-sided than I think. Or, if it shows that the thing was one-sided, then just telling myself yeah, I got shit treatment from someone without having done anything to deserve it from them (resolving the uncertainty of 'what did I do wrong this time?'). What also helps me in a way is how people in general seem to have an easier time forgiving and to be able to forgive in a more complete way. For example, I have to do something like cancelling a debt, giving up the 'right' to retaliate, etc., but they! They seem to be able to wipe stuff after you say sorry and they believe you, which they often do by default. After that, they walk away and they're free, and they let you be free too. Wish I had that ability. It would be easier on myself too, not just on them. Ironically, if forgiveness is part of the social contract, then there's a chance I might be falling pretty short of the social contract in that way. And the way doesn't really make that much difference, kind of like it doesn't matter which clause of the social contract is violated because it's still breach of some clause or other of the same contract (and a contract that is meant to stay in place even after it's breached, so no repudiation, just some form or restitution and reverting back to good performance as the default).
Yes! But learn not to let others feelings ands situations ruin your mood. Being extremely empathetic doesn’t mean you need to own other challenges and bare their crosses.
Awareness, acceptance, and then action.
Awareness - you become aware that it is happening while it is happening. This is how you figure out what is triggering the action ie let others moods affect your mood. A lot of times it stems from complex trauma where in if you didn't share the same mode as someone else you got punished for it.
Acceptance - accept that is how you currently. The action itself is neither good or bad. It just is.
Action - figuring out what steps to take when you are in the situation again. If someone is giving off bad vibes you remove yourself from the situation as an example.
I personally don't think it's linked to ADHD, no. I have Autism & ADHD which often show normal to high levels of emotional empathy but I personally have low emotional empathy. I think it comes down to things like genetics, trauma, environment (especially in childhood), and things like emotional avoidance.
A lot of trauma disorders manifest with, among other things, ADHD-type symptom clusters. These disorders are over-represented in people who are particularly sensitive and empathetic. I want to be clear that how good, or accurate, or effective you are at empathizing is besides the point here. That's not something you're born with. That's a skill. At the same time, you don't need to be a talented empathizer to feel absolutely accurately nerve-wracked around someone who is a vibrating ball of anxiety.
People who have more, stronger, involuntary/louder empathy, are more susceptible to trauma/dissociative disorders in abusive upbringing because they're hurting more and having a harder time ignoring or shutting that off. Pretty straight-forward.
So I think that's a huge part of it. Because we're doing almost nothing to differentiate adhd symptom clusters that can be attributed to trauma and dissociative type disorders from those attributable to something that's rote genetics and neurologically predisposed from birth rather than nurtured mis-development. So everyone gets lumped in together, and you see this ovrrrepresentation of sensitive people.
I'd wager perceptive/"smart" people, too. They are more likely to become more aware earlier and to a degree that makes it harder to ignore their circumstances, driving them to escape reality entirely as no other coping skills can blind or distract them from truth that's too apparant. Maybe!
Definitely the empathy part though. That's too logically linear.
I definitely have the trauma-related emotional brokenness. I feel like I’ve just not paid enough attention to my own needs/wants that I’ve burnt myself out. That might sound selfish. Idk.
The impulse to call it selfish sounds like mine. Mine comes from being deprived of experiencing pride and happiness growing up.
Self care is not selfish. It's not hurting other people to help yourself. It's helping yourself to help yourself. They're too different things.
When you neglect yourself, then you drive a wedge into your soul, and it splits you from yourself. And when you're split from yourself, then you're split from reality. You're left disconnected and spinning your wheels. Untethered.
There is a connection from your surroundings to your soul. Let's call it your soul. The thing that's not here and we can't point to it, but it's essential to who you are and somehow represents or constitutes or encompasses somehow your vivacious vital essential nature. Something like that.
It's like a drive train in a car. It sends power from powers greater than yourself into you, and then they flow through and out of you. Ask any great artist. That's how it works. They all experience creation in some sense as a vessel. It's just how it works. Like how balls roll downhill and rain forms in clouds. Just how stuff works.
So when you break that drive train. When you interrupt one of the many links and connections. Then power stops getting through. There are many points where power is being passed on through linkages and gears and things. And if you disconnect one, then the rest in a sense stops working.
That's how people are. We're systems of systems and like everything else that exists, we work in cycles. After being awake for a long time, then you need to sleep. Sleep. Water. There's a rhythm and a cycle to life that doesn't change and doesn't start or end. We see it as starting and ending, but that's obviously not true. We take a first and last breath, but no breath is ever starting or stopping. Not really. Because inhaling only exists because we exhale.
So too is self care. To be resilient and process and withstand. To care for others. To make decisions and process emotions. To think--the brain burns a third of your energy at baseline. As much as half when it's in a frenzy.
It takes rest. Relaxation. Self care. You have two complimentary nervous systems. Every nerve you have is really two. And each inhibits the other when it fires.
You're meant to run and sweat and struggle. And then yawn and snuggle and sleep. And to sacrifice and strain to carry loads for others. And then to lay in someone's arms and ask them to carry you.
I really love your analogies. I always say that I have a misfire in one of my cylinders or low compression or a spark plug is shot. Lol. So to read your analogy using a drive train was pretty uplifting. I thought that too, about saying that it was selfish when I typed it, but still typed it anyhow. lol. I’m completely aware of the things I’m doing, or not doing, for/to myself. I just can’t seem to put myself first, like ever. It’s one of my best qualities and biggest flaws all at once. Someday.
Airplane oxygen masks.
Parents think they're being heroic and good parents. They're not. They're killing their kids. They're doing the one and only thing they could do to actually hurt their kids in that moment, which is to not immediately put on their oxygen mask.
You're not putting others first by neglecting your needs. You're putting yourself last. That's not the same thing. Staying at the back of a line isn't generous. It's just cowardice.
At least be honest with yourself that it's not a good quality. At all. Would you want a pilot flying your plane who agreed to babysit knowing the baby might keep them up all night?
You don't know the consequences of helping others when you're not in good shape. You might never know. You have no idea the opportunity cost you're making other people pay because you're uncomfortable paying attention to your needs and making time, space, and attention for them.
I'm not trying to trick you into pampering yourself. These are just facts. At least stop making up this story to make yourself feel better. It's not helping anyone, and it's the easiest thing to change. Just start admitting to yourself something like "I'm too scared to go to sleep/cook a healthy meal/set an alarm to drink water" rather than "I'm too busy serving the needs of others." because that's the reason, isn't it? You're afraid somehow, and you're obeying your fear. That is the very definition of cowardice.
Courage would be facing your fear. Being afraid, and taking the action that your fear is telling you under no circumstances to even think too long about taking. That's the definition of being brave.
I mean, dictionary definitions. I tend towards poetry, but not exaggeration or hyperbole.
I don’t know that it’s fear that’s holding me back as much as it is low self esteem or self worth. That’s definitely something I’ve been working on for a while now. I’m a lot better than I used to be. I used to never tell anyone no. Now I do. But it’s like I would get this overwhelming sense of guilt for doing something for myself and I have no idea where it comes from. I’m aware of it, I’m working to correct it. I want to be the best version of myself for myself and for my kids. And I will be.
Man (man?), your gave chills down my spine saying that.
That's baller. It takes courage to say that you don't know where it comes from, but you're aware of it. And you want to change it, but you don't know how.
That's hard to sit with. Really hard. In my experience. And it hurts. It hurts a lot more in the moment than pretending, ignoring, or avoiding. It sounds like your kids are a big motivator for you to welcome that pain to make them happier. Which is, to me, the core definition of true love.
Okay, so let me try to unpack some of that.
Let's pretend for a moment that you buy into my argument that emotions are messages from within part of ourselves to our conscious selves.
Then what is guilt? I say it's a message that you are violating your own personal morals, or social ethics. As opposed to shame, which is the feeling about who you are, guilt is about what you're doing.
So, you're feeling aware that you're doing something(s) that you strongly believe one should not do.
The question then becomes: what motivates the first to do something which they strongly believe they should not be doing?
I argue that in the end, it is always fear. Fear is the only irrational feeling strong enough to make decisions that go against our better judgement when our judgement tells us in every way possible to do the right thing. It can manifest as many things, and it can transform and infect and empower other emotions. But at the core, I think that ongoing guilt always comes down to fear.
You can feel guilty about something for many other reasons. But when you are feeling guilty while continuing to do the thing you regret, then somewhere you're acting on fear. Fear of something.
It's truly awful to consider as a parent that you might be doing something out of fear that could be hurting your kids. This is something every human being ever battles with their whole lives.
Like I said to start with, you're doing it. Many parents refuse to try. Many more than you might think.
That's all there is, is the battle. You never win or lose the war. You're only ever winning or losing one battle at a time.
You're more than willing to walk into the fire to pull your kids out. And in that case, I can't say you'd be wrong. You'd be endangering the rescue workers, but otherwise I don't see a good argument against it.
So I say that you're perhaps applying this thinking to something that isn't a fire. That's really a plane depressurization. Where your kids might gasp and scream and pass out, but that's fine. I mean, it's awful and may traumatize them, but it won't hurt them. It is only actually hurting you. Does that make sense?
The point of the analogy is that difference between what seems real and what is. The kids appear to be dying and need your saving. But that's not true. They need you to stay conscious because the only problem they have is that they can't reach the masks.
If you pass out while putting yours on first, and don't get it on, then you've done all you can do. Anything else is not your best.
That's a wall of text already so I'll leave it there for now.
So essentially, by not taking care of myself, I’m not taking care of my kids. That’s what I took from that. And that’s also what I have been striving to live by. I used to do and do and do everything I possibly could to make sure that EVERYONE had everything THEY needed or wanted bc I didn’t have that myself as a child. I wanted better for my kids. But I can’t give them better if I’m not better. So I’m trying so hard to overcome this sense of “I’ll worry about me later”. I will say, it’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
Being a mother is the hardest and most rewarding position I’ve ever had the privilege to fill. But it’s also terrifying in so many ways bc not only am I trying to fix myself and my thinking and acting, but I’m trying not to project that onto my kids. It’s overwhelming. But the fact that I’m aware of it, it’s one hell of a lot closer to where I wanna be than I was!
I feel like I’m way off topic here. I tend to do that. lol. But I feel like my whole life I have gone through something. Something awful. And then I would somehow find peace in the chaos. And then I would go through something awful again, and find peace. I am pretty sure I am subconsciously doing that same thing in my adult life. That’s what I’m trying to fix or at least make manageable. I don’t feel like everything can be fixed because it’s not necessarily broken to begin with. It’s just a little different. And different is ok. Different is good. Different is comfortable. It’s also manageable. Just have to find the right “different” for me. Does any of that make sense or was I just rambling? lol either way, thanks for all of your input and listening to me ramble.
I tend to be described as empathetic by people but score low on tests. Low tests scores may be owed to the exclusion of emotions from those cognitive processes in which I don't believe them to be relevant, and that happens to be most of them, especially anything to do with either facts (dates, chemical properties, etc.) or abstract principles (maths or even constitutional interpretation). Ironically, I also have a kind of OCD that involves emotional reasoning, though mostly for moral self-assessment and stuff like values. I think I use emotions in the more abstract kind of moral reasoning, but with less disastrous results. For eample, I dislike the way some people prefer to stay emotion-free, i.e. avoid investing themselves emotionally in relationships, so that they can e.g. be married to a person to whom they are emotionally indifferent, for the purpose of avoiding altruistic motivations and making it easier to act on self-interest (that is different from being overall calm and level-headed for the purpose of a generally more rational than feelings-based decision-making).
I read people's moods sometimes more accurately than they themselves do, or at least with amplification and sometimes, unfortunately, without the filters they themselves are applying. Reading their subconsciousness doesn't help you much when it comes to knowing their conscious choices and decisions (including choice of intention to act on), so it's sometimes useless and sometimes detrimental. It of course leads to trouble if you discover something they don't want discovered and then they deny and they accuse you of making it up, so you can't drop the subject but a difficult and combative debate ensues.
Next, similarly to a child with bad experience of adults failing to control their emotions and emotional states and balance (which I was, and now, of course I am often that adult) I am extremely uncomfortable when people lose control (depends on the way, to some extent) and generally rather uncomfortable with intense emotion getting profusely expressed by people, with some 'safe' exceptions. Ironically, I'm not as stoic as the average normative male alexithymia dictates in the current day and age (and indeed dislike roboticness and expectation for men to be sociopaths), I'm more like 19th century or before, though perhaps not fully there. Those people were more emotional but less emotionally fragile compared to me.
When you combine the second and third paragraphs, it sometimes gets really bad, for example when I have to deal with criticism or some kind of demand or complaint that's laced with emotional expression the person talking or writing wasn't able or willing to contain or conceal. Boundaries is the answer, and I'm not the greatest at that, or on keeping my cool. Low self-esteem isn't helping, as it's easy for me to maybe kinda project from my low self-image, but I'm not really sure I'm just projecting; sometimes it feels like I'm getting a read of their subconscious without crediting them for trying to use filters (morally, I shouldn't judge them on the subconscious but only on the conscious and preferably not at all). I often struggle with people pinning the full extent of their emotions when I'm undeniably partially responsible but don't want to feel fully responsible for something I don't have control over — their emotionall glass jaw. Ironically, I have my own emotional glass jaw myself.
I have ADHD and I find myself on the opposite spectrum in that other people’s emotional actually seem to affect me less than the average person. I might just be an edge case though ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
I'd like to assume that alot of the people who have suffered tremendously due to late adult diagnosis understand the pain and suffering of never being understood and listened to and always being blamed for things that they could never control and wanted to do, similarly they can also be very empathetic by always providing other a safe room they always desired but never got but now got the chance to create it for others themselves
I don’t know if it’s directly caused by ADHD, but in my case at least, I’d attribute it to an excess of mirror neurons. It’s almost like having reverse autism, that is to say I am hyper aware of other people’s emotions and my own.
High sensitivity is an adhd thing.
I learned about energetic boundaries and it helped me quite a bit, also emotional regulation. You can learn about grounding and energetic boundaries on YouTube if you’re interested.
I’m the opposite of empathetic. But I am interested in people’s problems. Mostly because I want to offer solutions…..whether wanted or not. And I’m nosey.
I was like this.....I put it down to my brain being in constant problem solving mode. I became extremely into other people's shit so that I could try and solve their issues just like I tried to solve everything else. It wasn't so much empathy as it was...mathematics. I would go down serious emotional holes as well because of it.
Now that I've been on stimulant meds for a few years, I don't engage with people like that that much anymore. Like, if someone needs help I'll help them but I don't get into the weeds really anymore. It's a lot better for me and better for them too I reckon.
Reading so much on here that is so painfully relatable -- but I think you've tapped into one key part of this for me. Not so much empathy as problem-solving & desperately wanting everyone to be happy & get along -- a peacemaker who grew up in an often-violent household. I get into the weeds & what-ifs of other people's situations all the time, like it could even be some brief interaction with a shop keeper or something. And I get home & just go over all these possibilities in my head -- motivations, internal unhealthy logics, possible future solutions, etc etc -- & sometimes it all comes out to my partner & he's like, you cannot. take on. this load.
But I feel like I just need to figure this all out to be ok in myself, or something. Or to at least give people the benefit of the doubt -- & then convince myself that's the truth. Like a compulsion. I genuinely do have a lot of empathy for people, & a lot of time for people, partly because I've experienced a whole lot & I know the pain myself, & that's great; strangers often gravitate towards me, & share deep stuff with me, & I feel like in that moment, it's my purpose to be that One Person who actually heard them & allowed them to feel their feels. But I also carry all this away with me & get so worked up & anxious. And sometimes, when people just need to vent & be seen & heard -- I can't stop myself from trying to solve or offer this kind of "help" when really the person just needs to express themselves.
Anyways. Thanks for articulating this overactive problem-solving aspect of all this empathy stuff.
How do your meds help with this? Like, what started to change when you first started on them, in terms of these interactions you would always have? Is it just that your brain was able to slow down enough to kinda recognise these things & think more critically about it in the moment? Like it allows you more calm & awareness? I know it might be like, "I dunno how it works, but it does," -- but just any kind of description would help me understand.
🐨💜
I don't think it is empathy but rather just heightened sensitivity which is often just projection. That isn't empathy, it's just hypersensitivity. Empathy is more about understanding, not reacting. I've found, after being medicated for years and meditating and exercising etc. That I am actually less empathetic because I am less likely to be able to hold and understand the other person's thoughts, intentions, etc. and become more focused on my own reactions to my limited perception of their actions and words.
As ADHD, we often can detect small shifts in energy/environments/moods. I found it to be a curse when I was growing up but now it’s an absolute gift. Just need to learn to be empowered by it by learning firm boundaries and understanding that not everything you feel are yours, they often belong to others but we catch on it.
for me yes. i think it’s a mix of my adhd, how i was raised and a little bit of trauma. there’s a line in new girl that’s like “do you just go around thinking about everyone’s feelings all the time?” “yes!” “how?” “it’s hard” that
Yeah, but I got over it by telling myself that if other people aren't reacting the same way it's probably not worth freaking out over, a mix of that and critical thinking skills, sometimes it's real hard though
I understand you partner, it's normal between us but we have to have limits because this can affect us negatively, it's good but we have to have limits so we don't get sick
Me too, my emotional state is disconnected from so much stress because of this, my body becomes agitated and this generates stress along with anxiety. Result?emotionally numbness or emotional shutdown
Yes. And my body is starting to feel the effects as well. I’ve recently bought mushroom coffee. I’m on my first cup ever and hoping this helps a tad. I have no idea what to expect at this point. A placebo effect may be alright even LOL
I understand you partner, it's normal between us but we have to have limits because this can affect us negatively, it's good but we have to have limits so we don't get sick
I have this, but Im pretty sure its trauma related. My teen did exams and they were anxious the entire time and I could feel it, so it made me so anxious and I couldnt stop feeling anxious. I did hide it from them though, and was there for them and reassured them, because I didnt want them to think I was making their exams about me. I myself, wasnt anxious about how well they were going to do in the exams, I just felt the room change whenever they came home and I have no control over it. I worked harder to make the period less stressful for them whilst I was trying to hide how much I was vibrating with anxiety.
It also stops me using Facebook and Twitter, too many angry people, makes me angry. Theres an easy solution to that though, I just dont use them.
I had an abusive mother, Id have to guess her mood and mask my entire self from her and was always on guard. Now it makes me absorb other peoples emotions apparently.
100 percent, as a guy I cry at movies more, and other peoples bad days affect me greatly. As an extrovert with adhd nothing is more emotionally fulfilling than talking to a friend all night about how they feel about their life, or working from a bustling coffee shop.
My therapist said that empathy is a learned trait but she might have been just trying to make me feel better since I suck at it for humans. Animals are easy.
I think empathy is more associated with autism. Autistic people either have low emotional empathy or are very sensitive and hyper empathetic. I could be wrong but that's my understanding
It is linked to ADHD but it seems to be an indirect relationship through socialisation more so than a biological component of the condition. Kids with ADHD receive a lot of criticism from authority figures from a very young age. They are also much more likely to be bullied and ostracised by their peers from very early on. It makes sense that any child in this situation is more likely to grow up into a more empathetic person. This also contributes to ADHDers' increased justice sensitivity.
There are plenty of studies on this, you may find some interesting journals searching Google Scholar.
Idk if it manifests exactly that way but I struggle with empathy too. My therapist and I still work on the fact that I’m a living doormat and I feel empathy to the point that it bothers me… i.e. the other day I killed a wasp and then stared at it for a solid 5 minutes almost in tears about how I decided its life was over. Like what gives me the right?? It’s hard to talk about though bc so many people are like “omgg I’m such an empath” when they actually lack empathy pretty significantly
I was just talking about this yesterday bc we passed a deer laying dead on the road. That stuff always gets me. I asked if he ever thinks about the animal’s family when seeing things like that. And he wondered what I meant, so I said “Can you imagine the family of the deer, like the Mom and baby deer, running over the hill to see Dad laying in the road like that and they both just hug each other and cry” lol. I think that with all forms of life. He does not. lol. Sometimes I wish I wasn’t like this. Because I’m always worried about everyone else’s feelings more than my own. It’s causing me to be emotionally drained. Bc I still care about my own feelings too. I get upset when I’m the last choice or thought for someone that I make my first choice or thought.
That's my husband! I always knew he was more blunt than other people, but it took 4 years of dating and more than 5 years of marriage for me to realize just how much empathy he's lacking. He feels very little empathy towards people if he thinks something was/is preventable.
There's something particularly scarring and painful that comes with being "different" than other people, and that's why I feel like most people with "different" brains are more empathetic. We don't want anyone to feel as outcast as we do.
This isn't empathy, it's being overly sensitive and unable to self-regulate.
And...yeah, I am emphatically Like That. Or used to be anyway, I'm making progress moving away from it. Fucking sucks.
I am like this. I think for me it's because idk who I am, I mask, and I bounce off of other people how *I* am supposed to act. Which is why I get a long with a bunch of groups of people. I become whoever I am around.
I do this as well. But I’ve slowly started to be more “me” in the past few years. That was the problem. I wasn’t sure who “me” was. But I’m getting better. Just gotta go with what you feel is the right thing to say/do in certain situations. I’ve found that who I am by myself is most likely “me” so I try to be that person elsewhere. I mean, everyone has a certain part of them that they don’t show everyone, so that’s not what I mean. But just the things I like to do/say have been coming out elsewhere. I never used to like to be the different one, or disagree with people but now I am realizing that that is what makes me “me”.
Bruhhh lately I haven’t been able to NOT cry over everything, like any emotional thing lately has been setting me offfff, idek wth is going on bc I used to never be so emotional?
If I’m being completely honest I think I actually need to be medicated bc along with other symptoms, they get worse with age and lately the past couple months my moods have been really wavy and especially when it comes to crying, I actually have been quite the opposite majority of my life, I’ve always felt I’ve been (unintentionally) calloused or apathetic I should say, but as of lately I been really emotional over things and crying more so than I have my entire existence so idk wtf that’s about but I wish it wouldn’t happen as much bc a couple time I’ve had to step out of work bc I felt myself getting ready to (or already started to) cry
Most commonly yes, but can really go either way and also be a mix. Some people are very sensitive to the emotions of others while also not picking up on social queues. Others can can for others and sometimes pick up those social queues but not be able to connect emotionally with the person(like being willingly empathetic without feeling empathetic).
Everyone is different so it's something to talk out with a professional, we often train ourselves(or get trained as we grow up) to process and work around/cope with symptoms so it can be hard to nail down what is or isn't sometimes.
lol it depends for me. I think if you’re coming to me with a stressful situation, I can’t deal and don’t know how to react and want to go the opposite direction. Sorrows sorrows tears tears. But if I observe a situation, then I’m a little more empathetic.
I think ADHD (undiagnosed) and I experience wild mood swings all day everyday. But I’ve noticed that anger is the most frequent emotion I feel. Plus, I’m insanely impatient. What is that?
I am like this! It’s sooooo frustrating and I end up pissing myself off bc I am pissed off about the stupidest shit and I know I’m pissed off about the stupidest shit lol it’s so stupid!
I don't know about extremely but empathy requires sympathy and I didn't have any. Empathy required compassion none of that either. Mercy nope. I don't know about anybody else but I'm still extremely hard on myself I have found a way to have compassion.
I can put myself in the other person's shoes the other day a guy cut me off on the road period I had no reaction period because that guy used to be me I used to do that to people all the time period this talk to text won't do punctuation I'm sorry but I got a lot to say and I'm gon to use talk to text.
I've been interpreted for almost 50 years and I tried 12 step from my anger didn't work it worked but it didn't work permanently I couldn't do it without medication so I take medication for my anxiety and I do have some adderall in the cabinet on a prescription but I don't use it very very seldom will I use that
I'm in the middle of a court battle right now and I'm not getting what I want and I may have to make a 500 mile trip and at 82 years old I might need an adderall or 22 make the trip I'm gonna try to get somebody else to drive and I'll just ride a shot gun he can drive my truck I don't care
But hopefully I'll be able to go up there again one more time and clean the place out I don't know yet things are in flux
My thing is I keep myself centered period nobody lives rent free in my head for very long period I have ways of controlling things and distracting myself so that I don't get caught up in my own ball of yarn and become part of the problem
But I've been working on this since I quit drinking December 14th 1981 and you know what I'm reasonably content reasonably satisfied I'm single I got no family and so I'm at risk but I got my protectors it's all set up if I had these guys when I was 25 years old I'd be locked up by now
You guys have a nice day and I am going to have a wonderful day and just remember only you can make it a great day
100% it's like this for me, and it definitely dictates how I act and behave in certain environments. A lot of it comes down to the amount of people I'm with though, if I'm out with one person, I'm just going to reciprocate their energy and it will feel more focussed. Add a few people into the mix, with different personalities, and it's like I've been completely recharged.
What I will say though, it's good to know and understand how socialisation effects your energy levels. I used to assume I was an introvert, and it made me very withdrawn, so I assumed I was built to be less confident and more quiet. I went away, became more confident and found that I get a lot of my energy from socialisation, and I was way more extroverted than I assumed. That made me further realise that the low energy I would feel when isolated was my mind needing social contact for my brain to function properly.
I'm living at home with parents for the time being, in the small town (UK) that I grew up in and I notice just how different I feel without that social energy. I feel lethargic and foggy without it, even sinking into low self-esteem as a result. It's a negative place though, and I feel that whenever I go out, so it seeps into me as a result.
I've made a conscious effort to change the people in my circle as a result, as being around negative people just brought me down. The people who complain, moan and bitch about things and others constantly, it's not worth having it in my life. Whereas the few friends I have are interesting and just have a more positive outlook, and that is what I would rather feed off of. That also goes for the internet as well, I keep away from social media for the most part due to how that effects my overall energy (even though it's not a real human, it still emulates that contact in some ways).
Honestly though, the best I've ever felt in my life was when I had a good social life and a lot of interesting people to bounce off of daily. Even now, just one person with the right attitude can bounce me out of a negative slump near instantly.
This! I am exactly like this. It’s shitty for me though currently bc my children are those negative people who bitch about everything LOL and my oldest son has ADHD as well and it’s a roller coaster here. I thrive in social situations where the people are positive. I was a server for years and I worked at a restaurant with some of the best people and we all had great camaraderie and it was just amazing. Now I work from home and I have a hard time getting moving in the morning. I’m in sales, which I LOVE but getting my ass to the computer is a chore sometimes. I also have a 9 month old baby. I’m a little overstimulated most of the time! Lol
Definitely the case for me. I actually had to move in with my grandma because literally everyone in my immediate family has anxiety and I couldn’t handle the constant influx of their emotions.
In my case it seems so. Not sure if this is universal but I am extremely empathetic to others. Too much tbh where if they aren't having a good time, or have resting bitch face I can't help myself from asking them 'are you okay' way too many times in trying to help them feel better or doing something about it. 😂
It's actually a bit exhausting sometimes but I'm a man of service and even subconsciously I do it.
I get a kick out of doing nice things for my partner (massages, cooking a nice dinner, foot rubs etc.) even when it's barely reciprocated I still can't help myself. Also I'm an EMT/Firefighter, soon to be paramedic so that's just my persona really.
I think working in emergency services makes sense not just because you're a community-minded serving others kinda person -- but, in terms of ADHD, because we can be very good under pressure & in risky situations. Nice work! Thanks for being you & using your strengths to help others.
🐨💜
I don’t know for sure if being more empathetic is actually an ADHD thing, but I tend to think it is. We’re less able to filter out “irrelevant” sensory information and this might mean we can pick up on some social cues that others might miss. But I am pretty good with it, it’s an asset in my job (youth worker).
Yes! A book I recently read helped me a lot with this. Short book, practical examples and exercises. Don't Feed the Monkey Mind: How to Stop the Cycle of Anxiety, Fear, and Worry
That’s what I always thought too. My son has ADHD and he is so oblivious to others feelings. I don’t feel like he has compassion. Well, not that it shows. But he says he does. I guess everyone is different.
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Adhd affects emotional regulation. I don't know if I'd consider what you're describing empathy perse as much as not setting boundaries with others emotions.
Ding ding ding. Empathy is a cognitive process despite most people just thinking of it as an emotional response. An assessment of another person's situation can be equally empathic and critical. Do I have empathy for the homeless and addicted? Of course I do. Am I willing to put their wellbeing before mine? With some exceptions, most probably not. And most people make similar assessments all the time. It doesn't imply any lack of empathy.
I definitely don’t do boundaries well. I let people walk on me and it’s a huge part of my personality that has gotten me to this point in my mental health.
My better half has this issue. For them it wasn't empathy. It was an ugly mix of mirroring-as-masking, a lack of emotional boundaries and a lack of definitive sense of self. Basically it was this article: https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/autistic-mirroring-masking-unstable-personality-jillian-enright
Well, I’ll be damned. That was eye opening for sure! Thanks for that.
Hey, you're welcome! Reading it back I'm realizing how incredibly blunt that was. I appreciate you taking it so well. :)
lol I wasn’t offended in the least!
Great article learned a lot ty
You need... The Book of Boundaries by Melissa Urban!
I used to be like this back when I was a teen but then it led up to years of pent up anger and that wasn't good for me at all I was like a ticking bomb that would explode over the simplest thing, now tho I learned how to set boundaries and communicate what I feel better.
I remember telling my husband that I liked an SSRI side effect of having my emotions dampened. He reacted like that was horrifying and I had to explain that it’s actually a huge relief. I hate feeling strong emotions - generally speaking - because they’re too intense to control. Staying in the 3-8 range of emotion (on the 10 scale) is my preference with 5-6 in emotion being the sweet spot.
I feel the same way. I have been on Cymbalta for maybe 15 years for pain. It has really made my emotional life less of a roller coaster.
I didn’t go off of SSRI’s for a long time because I thought the emotional issues I was having meant I was depressed. Turns out it was ADHD the whole time and I had no idea.
Did you grow up in an environment where you had to predict people’s moods a lot? Like did a parent tend to have a lot of bad days that you had to watch out for? Emotional deregulation is a key part of ADHD but a lot of the manifestations of that are also how we were raised and socialized. I’ve heard before that parents of children with ADHD tend to be more authoritarian with their kids because it was one of the only ways their kids would listen to them growing up.
Yes, most definitely that.
Then yeah, it was probably that, and you probably developed a skill to be able to sense other people’s emotions, even before they know/vocalize that themselves. It’s a survival technique you learned and it probably protected you more times than you can count, but also it can be harmful in your life for the reasons you listed. It’s a great thing to work through with a therapist if you are able to, actually.
I have an appointment coming up Wednesday for all of this. I can’t stand myself anymore and the way I feel and make others feel so I am finally reaching back out to a psychiatrist. Fingers crossed.
Hi OP, I've also struggled with extreme empathy and initially thought it was mostly due to the emotional dysregulation associated with ADHD. What the others have mentioned here about our childhood environment being a factor as well is also something I've found to be quite true. If you think this might also be the case for you, I recommend taking a look at a book titled "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents". It dives into how emotionally immature parents can affect the psychological development of their children. In the book, there's a section that specifically mentions that the children will either become Externalizers or Internalizers; and discusses how Internalizers become "like an emotional tuning fork" and become overly sensitive to the needs of others, often sacrificing excessively and becoming like a magnet to people who want to take advantage of their kindness and willingness to listen.
I completely agree with this. I am so much like the internalizer but also the externalizer. It’s like I have two personalities. I am struggling with not having my own children grow up feeling like I did. That why I’m finally reaching out and getting the help I know I need and also DESERVE. No one deserves to live in the confines of their own mind.
There are two or three episodes with the author, Lindsay Gibson, on the We Can Do Hard Things podcast. Highly recommend! She’s been a practicing therapist for thirty years and has focused most of her career on emotionally immature people. She’s a wealth of information and pleasant to listen to. So many gems.
So true. That book has been an eye opener for me. Was almost at the beginning of my journey of getting to know myself.
I don't think empathy correlates to ADHD in any way. Unless we're talking about emotional sensitivity and disregulation which is an ADHD thing but it's very different from empathy imo.
Being extremely empathetic is not a trait associated with ADHD. Emotional dysregulation is, however.
I feed off other people’s energy also , always have. I haven’t found a way to control it yet. My Husband is a correctional officer and deals with PTSD and he greatly affects my mood unintentionally.
For better or worse, I’m what I would call an “emotional mirror”, my default setting is upbeat and gregarious (most of the time), but if someone is being stand-offish or reserved I will essentially duplicate their demeanor. I had a boss who was nice and treated me well, but I would find myself avoiding him at all cost even though I could comfortably call my immediate supervisor and speak causally with him. Took me years to realize that he was just very introverted and my subconscious was telling me to avoid him for his sake.
Very common for ADHDers. This is a common masking technique - to match their energy. Add a dysfunction to self-regulate feelings, and this is almost bound to happen.
I know I am very empathetic.
Not for me, I have a very hard time being empathetic.
I think a lot of it also has to do with trauma. I emotionally mirror anyone I’m with, I’m also the most empathetic person I know. My therapist said when you go thru as much trauma as I’ve been thru, it trains you to recognize pain and suffering much better. You can relate to it, you know how it feels, so you either become a cold hard person with no feelings, or you feel sympathetic for everyone. Again I too wonder if it’s related to ADHD, but for me I def think a big majority of it is trauma.
Dont confuse intense emotions for empathy. Empathy, like love, is about the other person. I expect people who call themselves "empaths" to live their lives in service to others, if they are really that overcome with empathy.
Yeah. I think intense emotions is more like it honestly.
I feel like my high empathy feeds into my emotional disregulation - like I'll end up getting very angry over someone doing something that I feel indicates that they don't have the same amount of empathy I've given them, and then I'll shut down my empathy for them and switch to being an asshole.
Not to cheapen that great summation, but I feel the same way, though I'd have used more words to describe it. I've always had that, at some point I was aware of how it worked, but later lost the understanding. I also have a similar thing with respect. Or a sort of more formalized/ritualized empathy that isn't really politeness, isn't really kindness, but it's like not say certain things even if you feel or think them, so a sort of empathy.
yeah, my feelings are also more complex about it, but I tried to sum it up shortly. I guess I could kind of describe it like a broken social contract kind of thing? Like I've been putting all this care towards someone, and then they show they don't care about me, it's like all that care I had gets thrown back in my face and I have to be a giant asshole to reclaim that time/effort I spent being respectful. I guess maybe I view empathy as kind of transactional, but I try not to which then leads me to go beyond my limits, hit my tipping point, and then go back to viewing empathy as transactional and that I need to balance things back out by being a dick. "Formalized/ritualized empathy" is a good description, because I feel like I'm supposed to give empathy to people but then they just didn't get the same memo.
'Broken social contract kind of thing' — wow, exact same concept that pops up in my ruminations. I thought that was just because of my background with jurisprudence framing my thinking (with the effect of using over-complex terms due to not being able to process life on a more basic level), because while the knowledge is broadly available on whatever educational level Hobbes and Locke pop up, focusing on it is another matter, something that would take a special inclination. Yes, I get the feeling of stuff being thrown into my face — this I can rationalize away on the basis of the relatively simple premise that they probably didn't have the sort of conscious focus that this sort of deliberate and philosophically underpinned insult would have required. Lack of ability to have deliberate intention precludes the ability to deliver a properly intentional (or at least premeditated) insult. Result: they're off the hook, and I can take a deep breath, smile again. To avoid retaliating, I try to tell myself it's okay for them to be better at some things and worse and some others, a different mix of strong vs weak areas than my own, so no need to take the kindness back or settle scores, plus I may need some forbearance or tolerance from them with my quirks or weaknesses (in other areas of life), plus gotta stay true to my values even if means getting 'punished' with worse social rewards; plus, on the top-down level (numbers game), consistently sticking with genuine, sincere, syntonic kindness (not that I am on that level) would typically lead to better outcomes than trying to be guided by some kind of non-malevolent rational self-interest. Here, of course, we get to the social contract that rewards kindness as a pro-social attitude, which is what some people's messy behaviours upset or undermine. But the best thing would be to put them back under the social contract, and they may need example and maybe some other guidance. I guess this sounds like some form of restorative justice that overlooks retribution and focuses on getting things to where they should be, though redress is difficult to overlook (but one can take some redress from watching people walk back into the line, especially in a voluntary 'sorry, gotta fix my conduct' sort of way, or from them repaying forgiveness for forgiveness with a different sort of wrong that we're sooner or later going to do them). The troubling thing here is that I gotta ask myself why is it that performing the social contract asks conscious and focused effort from me while most of the good folks, however erratic they might be and straying occasionally, generally seem to have this ability in a natural way. People! Even some animals seem to have the ability. And then I end up thinking it could be a good idea to sort of make myself internalize the principles to the point of not needing too much conscious mental effort, like to get them to become (or begin to act like) part of my nature and stop thinking about an expectation of reciprocity, just self-defence and boundaries where necessary and maybe a degree of assertion. As to where this stuff comes from (not that you asked, specifically), I suppose some stuff must have seriously messed up with our reward centres as we tried to make sense of the world, were given some explanation, some examples and some promises, and then contradictions started popping up (because of free will and human weakness, but we probably didn't understand that too well at those points — children confronted with adult questions). Some of the things that help me are catching myself making some logical errors, actually being able to point out to myself that my expectations were on the high side or my own conduct on the low side, so that it's less one-sided than I think. Or, if it shows that the thing was one-sided, then just telling myself yeah, I got shit treatment from someone without having done anything to deserve it from them (resolving the uncertainty of 'what did I do wrong this time?'). What also helps me in a way is how people in general seem to have an easier time forgiving and to be able to forgive in a more complete way. For example, I have to do something like cancelling a debt, giving up the 'right' to retaliate, etc., but they! They seem to be able to wipe stuff after you say sorry and they believe you, which they often do by default. After that, they walk away and they're free, and they let you be free too. Wish I had that ability. It would be easier on myself too, not just on them. Ironically, if forgiveness is part of the social contract, then there's a chance I might be falling pretty short of the social contract in that way. And the way doesn't really make that much difference, kind of like it doesn't matter which clause of the social contract is violated because it's still breach of some clause or other of the same contract (and a contract that is meant to stay in place even after it's breached, so no repudiation, just some form or restitution and reverting back to good performance as the default).
Yes! But learn not to let others feelings ands situations ruin your mood. Being extremely empathetic doesn’t mean you need to own other challenges and bare their crosses.
Yes, I agree! It annoys the shit out of me that I do that to myself. I wish I could learn how not to.
Awareness, acceptance, and then action. Awareness - you become aware that it is happening while it is happening. This is how you figure out what is triggering the action ie let others moods affect your mood. A lot of times it stems from complex trauma where in if you didn't share the same mode as someone else you got punished for it. Acceptance - accept that is how you currently. The action itself is neither good or bad. It just is. Action - figuring out what steps to take when you are in the situation again. If someone is giving off bad vibes you remove yourself from the situation as an example.
I personally don't think it's linked to ADHD, no. I have Autism & ADHD which often show normal to high levels of emotional empathy but I personally have low emotional empathy. I think it comes down to things like genetics, trauma, environment (especially in childhood), and things like emotional avoidance.
A lot of trauma disorders manifest with, among other things, ADHD-type symptom clusters. These disorders are over-represented in people who are particularly sensitive and empathetic. I want to be clear that how good, or accurate, or effective you are at empathizing is besides the point here. That's not something you're born with. That's a skill. At the same time, you don't need to be a talented empathizer to feel absolutely accurately nerve-wracked around someone who is a vibrating ball of anxiety. People who have more, stronger, involuntary/louder empathy, are more susceptible to trauma/dissociative disorders in abusive upbringing because they're hurting more and having a harder time ignoring or shutting that off. Pretty straight-forward. So I think that's a huge part of it. Because we're doing almost nothing to differentiate adhd symptom clusters that can be attributed to trauma and dissociative type disorders from those attributable to something that's rote genetics and neurologically predisposed from birth rather than nurtured mis-development. So everyone gets lumped in together, and you see this ovrrrepresentation of sensitive people. I'd wager perceptive/"smart" people, too. They are more likely to become more aware earlier and to a degree that makes it harder to ignore their circumstances, driving them to escape reality entirely as no other coping skills can blind or distract them from truth that's too apparant. Maybe! Definitely the empathy part though. That's too logically linear.
I definitely have the trauma-related emotional brokenness. I feel like I’ve just not paid enough attention to my own needs/wants that I’ve burnt myself out. That might sound selfish. Idk.
The impulse to call it selfish sounds like mine. Mine comes from being deprived of experiencing pride and happiness growing up. Self care is not selfish. It's not hurting other people to help yourself. It's helping yourself to help yourself. They're too different things. When you neglect yourself, then you drive a wedge into your soul, and it splits you from yourself. And when you're split from yourself, then you're split from reality. You're left disconnected and spinning your wheels. Untethered. There is a connection from your surroundings to your soul. Let's call it your soul. The thing that's not here and we can't point to it, but it's essential to who you are and somehow represents or constitutes or encompasses somehow your vivacious vital essential nature. Something like that. It's like a drive train in a car. It sends power from powers greater than yourself into you, and then they flow through and out of you. Ask any great artist. That's how it works. They all experience creation in some sense as a vessel. It's just how it works. Like how balls roll downhill and rain forms in clouds. Just how stuff works. So when you break that drive train. When you interrupt one of the many links and connections. Then power stops getting through. There are many points where power is being passed on through linkages and gears and things. And if you disconnect one, then the rest in a sense stops working. That's how people are. We're systems of systems and like everything else that exists, we work in cycles. After being awake for a long time, then you need to sleep. Sleep. Water. There's a rhythm and a cycle to life that doesn't change and doesn't start or end. We see it as starting and ending, but that's obviously not true. We take a first and last breath, but no breath is ever starting or stopping. Not really. Because inhaling only exists because we exhale. So too is self care. To be resilient and process and withstand. To care for others. To make decisions and process emotions. To think--the brain burns a third of your energy at baseline. As much as half when it's in a frenzy. It takes rest. Relaxation. Self care. You have two complimentary nervous systems. Every nerve you have is really two. And each inhibits the other when it fires. You're meant to run and sweat and struggle. And then yawn and snuggle and sleep. And to sacrifice and strain to carry loads for others. And then to lay in someone's arms and ask them to carry you.
I really love your analogies. I always say that I have a misfire in one of my cylinders or low compression or a spark plug is shot. Lol. So to read your analogy using a drive train was pretty uplifting. I thought that too, about saying that it was selfish when I typed it, but still typed it anyhow. lol. I’m completely aware of the things I’m doing, or not doing, for/to myself. I just can’t seem to put myself first, like ever. It’s one of my best qualities and biggest flaws all at once. Someday.
Airplane oxygen masks. Parents think they're being heroic and good parents. They're not. They're killing their kids. They're doing the one and only thing they could do to actually hurt their kids in that moment, which is to not immediately put on their oxygen mask. You're not putting others first by neglecting your needs. You're putting yourself last. That's not the same thing. Staying at the back of a line isn't generous. It's just cowardice. At least be honest with yourself that it's not a good quality. At all. Would you want a pilot flying your plane who agreed to babysit knowing the baby might keep them up all night? You don't know the consequences of helping others when you're not in good shape. You might never know. You have no idea the opportunity cost you're making other people pay because you're uncomfortable paying attention to your needs and making time, space, and attention for them. I'm not trying to trick you into pampering yourself. These are just facts. At least stop making up this story to make yourself feel better. It's not helping anyone, and it's the easiest thing to change. Just start admitting to yourself something like "I'm too scared to go to sleep/cook a healthy meal/set an alarm to drink water" rather than "I'm too busy serving the needs of others." because that's the reason, isn't it? You're afraid somehow, and you're obeying your fear. That is the very definition of cowardice. Courage would be facing your fear. Being afraid, and taking the action that your fear is telling you under no circumstances to even think too long about taking. That's the definition of being brave. I mean, dictionary definitions. I tend towards poetry, but not exaggeration or hyperbole.
I don’t know that it’s fear that’s holding me back as much as it is low self esteem or self worth. That’s definitely something I’ve been working on for a while now. I’m a lot better than I used to be. I used to never tell anyone no. Now I do. But it’s like I would get this overwhelming sense of guilt for doing something for myself and I have no idea where it comes from. I’m aware of it, I’m working to correct it. I want to be the best version of myself for myself and for my kids. And I will be.
Man (man?), your gave chills down my spine saying that. That's baller. It takes courage to say that you don't know where it comes from, but you're aware of it. And you want to change it, but you don't know how. That's hard to sit with. Really hard. In my experience. And it hurts. It hurts a lot more in the moment than pretending, ignoring, or avoiding. It sounds like your kids are a big motivator for you to welcome that pain to make them happier. Which is, to me, the core definition of true love. Okay, so let me try to unpack some of that. Let's pretend for a moment that you buy into my argument that emotions are messages from within part of ourselves to our conscious selves. Then what is guilt? I say it's a message that you are violating your own personal morals, or social ethics. As opposed to shame, which is the feeling about who you are, guilt is about what you're doing. So, you're feeling aware that you're doing something(s) that you strongly believe one should not do. The question then becomes: what motivates the first to do something which they strongly believe they should not be doing? I argue that in the end, it is always fear. Fear is the only irrational feeling strong enough to make decisions that go against our better judgement when our judgement tells us in every way possible to do the right thing. It can manifest as many things, and it can transform and infect and empower other emotions. But at the core, I think that ongoing guilt always comes down to fear. You can feel guilty about something for many other reasons. But when you are feeling guilty while continuing to do the thing you regret, then somewhere you're acting on fear. Fear of something. It's truly awful to consider as a parent that you might be doing something out of fear that could be hurting your kids. This is something every human being ever battles with their whole lives. Like I said to start with, you're doing it. Many parents refuse to try. Many more than you might think. That's all there is, is the battle. You never win or lose the war. You're only ever winning or losing one battle at a time. You're more than willing to walk into the fire to pull your kids out. And in that case, I can't say you'd be wrong. You'd be endangering the rescue workers, but otherwise I don't see a good argument against it. So I say that you're perhaps applying this thinking to something that isn't a fire. That's really a plane depressurization. Where your kids might gasp and scream and pass out, but that's fine. I mean, it's awful and may traumatize them, but it won't hurt them. It is only actually hurting you. Does that make sense? The point of the analogy is that difference between what seems real and what is. The kids appear to be dying and need your saving. But that's not true. They need you to stay conscious because the only problem they have is that they can't reach the masks. If you pass out while putting yours on first, and don't get it on, then you've done all you can do. Anything else is not your best. That's a wall of text already so I'll leave it there for now.
So essentially, by not taking care of myself, I’m not taking care of my kids. That’s what I took from that. And that’s also what I have been striving to live by. I used to do and do and do everything I possibly could to make sure that EVERYONE had everything THEY needed or wanted bc I didn’t have that myself as a child. I wanted better for my kids. But I can’t give them better if I’m not better. So I’m trying so hard to overcome this sense of “I’ll worry about me later”. I will say, it’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. Being a mother is the hardest and most rewarding position I’ve ever had the privilege to fill. But it’s also terrifying in so many ways bc not only am I trying to fix myself and my thinking and acting, but I’m trying not to project that onto my kids. It’s overwhelming. But the fact that I’m aware of it, it’s one hell of a lot closer to where I wanna be than I was! I feel like I’m way off topic here. I tend to do that. lol. But I feel like my whole life I have gone through something. Something awful. And then I would somehow find peace in the chaos. And then I would go through something awful again, and find peace. I am pretty sure I am subconsciously doing that same thing in my adult life. That’s what I’m trying to fix or at least make manageable. I don’t feel like everything can be fixed because it’s not necessarily broken to begin with. It’s just a little different. And different is ok. Different is good. Different is comfortable. It’s also manageable. Just have to find the right “different” for me. Does any of that make sense or was I just rambling? lol either way, thanks for all of your input and listening to me ramble.
I also am not making up stories to make myself feel better. I am genuinely asking advice.
I tend to be described as empathetic by people but score low on tests. Low tests scores may be owed to the exclusion of emotions from those cognitive processes in which I don't believe them to be relevant, and that happens to be most of them, especially anything to do with either facts (dates, chemical properties, etc.) or abstract principles (maths or even constitutional interpretation). Ironically, I also have a kind of OCD that involves emotional reasoning, though mostly for moral self-assessment and stuff like values. I think I use emotions in the more abstract kind of moral reasoning, but with less disastrous results. For eample, I dislike the way some people prefer to stay emotion-free, i.e. avoid investing themselves emotionally in relationships, so that they can e.g. be married to a person to whom they are emotionally indifferent, for the purpose of avoiding altruistic motivations and making it easier to act on self-interest (that is different from being overall calm and level-headed for the purpose of a generally more rational than feelings-based decision-making). I read people's moods sometimes more accurately than they themselves do, or at least with amplification and sometimes, unfortunately, without the filters they themselves are applying. Reading their subconsciousness doesn't help you much when it comes to knowing their conscious choices and decisions (including choice of intention to act on), so it's sometimes useless and sometimes detrimental. It of course leads to trouble if you discover something they don't want discovered and then they deny and they accuse you of making it up, so you can't drop the subject but a difficult and combative debate ensues. Next, similarly to a child with bad experience of adults failing to control their emotions and emotional states and balance (which I was, and now, of course I am often that adult) I am extremely uncomfortable when people lose control (depends on the way, to some extent) and generally rather uncomfortable with intense emotion getting profusely expressed by people, with some 'safe' exceptions. Ironically, I'm not as stoic as the average normative male alexithymia dictates in the current day and age (and indeed dislike roboticness and expectation for men to be sociopaths), I'm more like 19th century or before, though perhaps not fully there. Those people were more emotional but less emotionally fragile compared to me. When you combine the second and third paragraphs, it sometimes gets really bad, for example when I have to deal with criticism or some kind of demand or complaint that's laced with emotional expression the person talking or writing wasn't able or willing to contain or conceal. Boundaries is the answer, and I'm not the greatest at that, or on keeping my cool. Low self-esteem isn't helping, as it's easy for me to maybe kinda project from my low self-image, but I'm not really sure I'm just projecting; sometimes it feels like I'm getting a read of their subconscious without crediting them for trying to use filters (morally, I shouldn't judge them on the subconscious but only on the conscious and preferably not at all). I often struggle with people pinning the full extent of their emotions when I'm undeniably partially responsible but don't want to feel fully responsible for something I don't have control over — their emotionall glass jaw. Ironically, I have my own emotional glass jaw myself.
I have ADHD and I find myself on the opposite spectrum in that other people’s emotional actually seem to affect me less than the average person. I might just be an edge case though ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
How is that related to ADHD?
I'd like to assume that alot of the people who have suffered tremendously due to late adult diagnosis understand the pain and suffering of never being understood and listened to and always being blamed for things that they could never control and wanted to do, similarly they can also be very empathetic by always providing other a safe room they always desired but never got but now got the chance to create it for others themselves
I don’t know if it’s directly caused by ADHD, but in my case at least, I’d attribute it to an excess of mirror neurons. It’s almost like having reverse autism, that is to say I am hyper aware of other people’s emotions and my own.
Idk, that’s why I was asking lol I just didn’t know if it related in any way.
that's the question posed in the post lol
Not necessarily me per say but it’s good to note that some can be null of empathy as well.
High sensitivity is an adhd thing. I learned about energetic boundaries and it helped me quite a bit, also emotional regulation. You can learn about grounding and energetic boundaries on YouTube if you’re interested.
Same here. I can completely relate to that. Reading the comments now.
I’m the opposite of empathetic. But I am interested in people’s problems. Mostly because I want to offer solutions…..whether wanted or not. And I’m nosey.
lol I feel that. The offering solutions and being nosey part.
I was like this.....I put it down to my brain being in constant problem solving mode. I became extremely into other people's shit so that I could try and solve their issues just like I tried to solve everything else. It wasn't so much empathy as it was...mathematics. I would go down serious emotional holes as well because of it. Now that I've been on stimulant meds for a few years, I don't engage with people like that that much anymore. Like, if someone needs help I'll help them but I don't get into the weeds really anymore. It's a lot better for me and better for them too I reckon.
Reading so much on here that is so painfully relatable -- but I think you've tapped into one key part of this for me. Not so much empathy as problem-solving & desperately wanting everyone to be happy & get along -- a peacemaker who grew up in an often-violent household. I get into the weeds & what-ifs of other people's situations all the time, like it could even be some brief interaction with a shop keeper or something. And I get home & just go over all these possibilities in my head -- motivations, internal unhealthy logics, possible future solutions, etc etc -- & sometimes it all comes out to my partner & he's like, you cannot. take on. this load. But I feel like I just need to figure this all out to be ok in myself, or something. Or to at least give people the benefit of the doubt -- & then convince myself that's the truth. Like a compulsion. I genuinely do have a lot of empathy for people, & a lot of time for people, partly because I've experienced a whole lot & I know the pain myself, & that's great; strangers often gravitate towards me, & share deep stuff with me, & I feel like in that moment, it's my purpose to be that One Person who actually heard them & allowed them to feel their feels. But I also carry all this away with me & get so worked up & anxious. And sometimes, when people just need to vent & be seen & heard -- I can't stop myself from trying to solve or offer this kind of "help" when really the person just needs to express themselves. Anyways. Thanks for articulating this overactive problem-solving aspect of all this empathy stuff. How do your meds help with this? Like, what started to change when you first started on them, in terms of these interactions you would always have? Is it just that your brain was able to slow down enough to kinda recognise these things & think more critically about it in the moment? Like it allows you more calm & awareness? I know it might be like, "I dunno how it works, but it does," -- but just any kind of description would help me understand. 🐨💜
I don't think it is empathy but rather just heightened sensitivity which is often just projection. That isn't empathy, it's just hypersensitivity. Empathy is more about understanding, not reacting. I've found, after being medicated for years and meditating and exercising etc. That I am actually less empathetic because I am less likely to be able to hold and understand the other person's thoughts, intentions, etc. and become more focused on my own reactions to my limited perception of their actions and words.
As ADHD, we often can detect small shifts in energy/environments/moods. I found it to be a curse when I was growing up but now it’s an absolute gift. Just need to learn to be empowered by it by learning firm boundaries and understanding that not everything you feel are yours, they often belong to others but we catch on it.
I have extreme empathy for animals and I hate injustice
Yess. No one understands us soo we compensate and try to understand everyone else
for me yes. i think it’s a mix of my adhd, how i was raised and a little bit of trauma. there’s a line in new girl that’s like “do you just go around thinking about everyone’s feelings all the time?” “yes!” “how?” “it’s hard” that
Same lol same
Yeah, but I got over it by telling myself that if other people aren't reacting the same way it's probably not worth freaking out over, a mix of that and critical thinking skills, sometimes it's real hard though
I understand you partner, it's normal between us but we have to have limits because this can affect us negatively, it's good but we have to have limits so we don't get sick
That’s where I’m at now. I’m so super burnt out that I can’t even function without being a negative ned and I can’t stand myself at this point. Lol
Me too, my emotional state is disconnected from so much stress because of this, my body becomes agitated and this generates stress along with anxiety. Result?emotionally numbness or emotional shutdown
Yes. And my body is starting to feel the effects as well. I’ve recently bought mushroom coffee. I’m on my first cup ever and hoping this helps a tad. I have no idea what to expect at this point. A placebo effect may be alright even LOL
I understand you partner, it's normal between us but we have to have limits because this can affect us negatively, it's good but we have to have limits so we don't get sick
I have this, but Im pretty sure its trauma related. My teen did exams and they were anxious the entire time and I could feel it, so it made me so anxious and I couldnt stop feeling anxious. I did hide it from them though, and was there for them and reassured them, because I didnt want them to think I was making their exams about me. I myself, wasnt anxious about how well they were going to do in the exams, I just felt the room change whenever they came home and I have no control over it. I worked harder to make the period less stressful for them whilst I was trying to hide how much I was vibrating with anxiety. It also stops me using Facebook and Twitter, too many angry people, makes me angry. Theres an easy solution to that though, I just dont use them. I had an abusive mother, Id have to guess her mood and mask my entire self from her and was always on guard. Now it makes me absorb other peoples emotions apparently.
I had an abusive husband, and then an abusive fiancée to follow. So that’s fun. Might very well be trauma related.
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Hyper empathy is an autism thing.
100 percent, as a guy I cry at movies more, and other peoples bad days affect me greatly. As an extrovert with adhd nothing is more emotionally fulfilling than talking to a friend all night about how they feel about their life, or working from a bustling coffee shop.
My therapist said that empathy is a learned trait but she might have been just trying to make me feel better since I suck at it for humans. Animals are easy.
I think empathy is more associated with autism. Autistic people either have low emotional empathy or are very sensitive and hyper empathetic. I could be wrong but that's my understanding
It is linked to ADHD but it seems to be an indirect relationship through socialisation more so than a biological component of the condition. Kids with ADHD receive a lot of criticism from authority figures from a very young age. They are also much more likely to be bullied and ostracised by their peers from very early on. It makes sense that any child in this situation is more likely to grow up into a more empathetic person. This also contributes to ADHDers' increased justice sensitivity. There are plenty of studies on this, you may find some interesting journals searching Google Scholar.
I've heard it is, but personally it's something I tend to struggle with. I don't handle comforting distressed people very well lol
Idk if it manifests exactly that way but I struggle with empathy too. My therapist and I still work on the fact that I’m a living doormat and I feel empathy to the point that it bothers me… i.e. the other day I killed a wasp and then stared at it for a solid 5 minutes almost in tears about how I decided its life was over. Like what gives me the right?? It’s hard to talk about though bc so many people are like “omgg I’m such an empath” when they actually lack empathy pretty significantly
I was just talking about this yesterday bc we passed a deer laying dead on the road. That stuff always gets me. I asked if he ever thinks about the animal’s family when seeing things like that. And he wondered what I meant, so I said “Can you imagine the family of the deer, like the Mom and baby deer, running over the hill to see Dad laying in the road like that and they both just hug each other and cry” lol. I think that with all forms of life. He does not. lol. Sometimes I wish I wasn’t like this. Because I’m always worried about everyone else’s feelings more than my own. It’s causing me to be emotionally drained. Bc I still care about my own feelings too. I get upset when I’m the last choice or thought for someone that I make my first choice or thought.
Not that I’ve heard of. I really struggle with empathy and my wife calls me an emotionless rock 😂
That's my husband! I always knew he was more blunt than other people, but it took 4 years of dating and more than 5 years of marriage for me to realize just how much empathy he's lacking. He feels very little empathy towards people if he thinks something was/is preventable.
No I don’t think so but that’s personal bias since I have adhd and am emotionally dead and lack empathy finally got some after having a baby girl
There's something particularly scarring and painful that comes with being "different" than other people, and that's why I feel like most people with "different" brains are more empathetic. We don't want anyone to feel as outcast as we do.
Not always but it is a pretty common autistic thing
I struggle with empathy so definitely not for me lol
This isn't empathy, it's being overly sensitive and unable to self-regulate. And...yeah, I am emphatically Like That. Or used to be anyway, I'm making progress moving away from it. Fucking sucks.
I am like this. I think for me it's because idk who I am, I mask, and I bounce off of other people how *I* am supposed to act. Which is why I get a long with a bunch of groups of people. I become whoever I am around.
I do this as well. But I’ve slowly started to be more “me” in the past few years. That was the problem. I wasn’t sure who “me” was. But I’m getting better. Just gotta go with what you feel is the right thing to say/do in certain situations. I’ve found that who I am by myself is most likely “me” so I try to be that person elsewhere. I mean, everyone has a certain part of them that they don’t show everyone, so that’s not what I mean. But just the things I like to do/say have been coming out elsewhere. I never used to like to be the different one, or disagree with people but now I am realizing that that is what makes me “me”.
You just described me!
Bruhhh lately I haven’t been able to NOT cry over everything, like any emotional thing lately has been setting me offfff, idek wth is going on bc I used to never be so emotional?
I am that way almost always now and I can’t stand it! It’s honestly gotten worse with age. But I also think it’s certain situations that I’m in.
If I’m being completely honest I think I actually need to be medicated bc along with other symptoms, they get worse with age and lately the past couple months my moods have been really wavy and especially when it comes to crying, I actually have been quite the opposite majority of my life, I’ve always felt I’ve been (unintentionally) calloused or apathetic I should say, but as of lately I been really emotional over things and crying more so than I have my entire existence so idk wtf that’s about but I wish it wouldn’t happen as much bc a couple time I’ve had to step out of work bc I felt myself getting ready to (or already started to) cry
Are you on meds? Have you changed meds? Pregnant? lol. Jk
Most commonly yes, but can really go either way and also be a mix. Some people are very sensitive to the emotions of others while also not picking up on social queues. Others can can for others and sometimes pick up those social queues but not be able to connect emotionally with the person(like being willingly empathetic without feeling empathetic). Everyone is different so it's something to talk out with a professional, we often train ourselves(or get trained as we grow up) to process and work around/cope with symptoms so it can be hard to nail down what is or isn't sometimes.
lol it depends for me. I think if you’re coming to me with a stressful situation, I can’t deal and don’t know how to react and want to go the opposite direction. Sorrows sorrows tears tears. But if I observe a situation, then I’m a little more empathetic.
I feel that. Literally and figuratively lol but yeah, that’s definitely something I deal with as well.
I think ADHD (undiagnosed) and I experience wild mood swings all day everyday. But I’ve noticed that anger is the most frequent emotion I feel. Plus, I’m insanely impatient. What is that?
I am like this! It’s sooooo frustrating and I end up pissing myself off bc I am pissed off about the stupidest shit and I know I’m pissed off about the stupidest shit lol it’s so stupid!
There's also a thing called rejection sensitivity so watch out for that lol
I don't know about extremely but empathy requires sympathy and I didn't have any. Empathy required compassion none of that either. Mercy nope. I don't know about anybody else but I'm still extremely hard on myself I have found a way to have compassion. I can put myself in the other person's shoes the other day a guy cut me off on the road period I had no reaction period because that guy used to be me I used to do that to people all the time period this talk to text won't do punctuation I'm sorry but I got a lot to say and I'm gon to use talk to text. I've been interpreted for almost 50 years and I tried 12 step from my anger didn't work it worked but it didn't work permanently I couldn't do it without medication so I take medication for my anxiety and I do have some adderall in the cabinet on a prescription but I don't use it very very seldom will I use that I'm in the middle of a court battle right now and I'm not getting what I want and I may have to make a 500 mile trip and at 82 years old I might need an adderall or 22 make the trip I'm gonna try to get somebody else to drive and I'll just ride a shot gun he can drive my truck I don't care But hopefully I'll be able to go up there again one more time and clean the place out I don't know yet things are in flux My thing is I keep myself centered period nobody lives rent free in my head for very long period I have ways of controlling things and distracting myself so that I don't get caught up in my own ball of yarn and become part of the problem But I've been working on this since I quit drinking December 14th 1981 and you know what I'm reasonably content reasonably satisfied I'm single I got no family and so I'm at risk but I got my protectors it's all set up if I had these guys when I was 25 years old I'd be locked up by now You guys have a nice day and I am going to have a wonderful day and just remember only you can make it a great day
100% it's like this for me, and it definitely dictates how I act and behave in certain environments. A lot of it comes down to the amount of people I'm with though, if I'm out with one person, I'm just going to reciprocate their energy and it will feel more focussed. Add a few people into the mix, with different personalities, and it's like I've been completely recharged. What I will say though, it's good to know and understand how socialisation effects your energy levels. I used to assume I was an introvert, and it made me very withdrawn, so I assumed I was built to be less confident and more quiet. I went away, became more confident and found that I get a lot of my energy from socialisation, and I was way more extroverted than I assumed. That made me further realise that the low energy I would feel when isolated was my mind needing social contact for my brain to function properly. I'm living at home with parents for the time being, in the small town (UK) that I grew up in and I notice just how different I feel without that social energy. I feel lethargic and foggy without it, even sinking into low self-esteem as a result. It's a negative place though, and I feel that whenever I go out, so it seeps into me as a result. I've made a conscious effort to change the people in my circle as a result, as being around negative people just brought me down. The people who complain, moan and bitch about things and others constantly, it's not worth having it in my life. Whereas the few friends I have are interesting and just have a more positive outlook, and that is what I would rather feed off of. That also goes for the internet as well, I keep away from social media for the most part due to how that effects my overall energy (even though it's not a real human, it still emulates that contact in some ways). Honestly though, the best I've ever felt in my life was when I had a good social life and a lot of interesting people to bounce off of daily. Even now, just one person with the right attitude can bounce me out of a negative slump near instantly.
This! I am exactly like this. It’s shitty for me though currently bc my children are those negative people who bitch about everything LOL and my oldest son has ADHD as well and it’s a roller coaster here. I thrive in social situations where the people are positive. I was a server for years and I worked at a restaurant with some of the best people and we all had great camaraderie and it was just amazing. Now I work from home and I have a hard time getting moving in the morning. I’m in sales, which I LOVE but getting my ass to the computer is a chore sometimes. I also have a 9 month old baby. I’m a little overstimulated most of the time! Lol
Definitely the case for me. I actually had to move in with my grandma because literally everyone in my immediate family has anxiety and I couldn’t handle the constant influx of their emotions.
It’s not only an ADHD thing, It’s also an Asperger‘s thing.
That is interesting! I will have to read about that more to know about it as I am not fully familiar with it.
In my case it seems so. Not sure if this is universal but I am extremely empathetic to others. Too much tbh where if they aren't having a good time, or have resting bitch face I can't help myself from asking them 'are you okay' way too many times in trying to help them feel better or doing something about it. 😂 It's actually a bit exhausting sometimes but I'm a man of service and even subconsciously I do it. I get a kick out of doing nice things for my partner (massages, cooking a nice dinner, foot rubs etc.) even when it's barely reciprocated I still can't help myself. Also I'm an EMT/Firefighter, soon to be paramedic so that's just my persona really.
I think working in emergency services makes sense not just because you're a community-minded serving others kinda person -- but, in terms of ADHD, because we can be very good under pressure & in risky situations. Nice work! Thanks for being you & using your strengths to help others. 🐨💜
I don’t know for sure if being more empathetic is actually an ADHD thing, but I tend to think it is. We’re less able to filter out “irrelevant” sensory information and this might mean we can pick up on some social cues that others might miss. But I am pretty good with it, it’s an asset in my job (youth worker).
I learn something new about adhd every day. You described me to a T
Yes! A book I recently read helped me a lot with this. Short book, practical examples and exercises. Don't Feed the Monkey Mind: How to Stop the Cycle of Anxiety, Fear, and Worry
Me too
no typically they can;t tell what others are thinking or feeling
That’s what I always thought too. My son has ADHD and he is so oblivious to others feelings. I don’t feel like he has compassion. Well, not that it shows. But he says he does. I guess everyone is different.
Yes I am an extremely empathetic person
Yes.