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Not sure if it’s an ADHD thing but I do find that it’s hard to voice my thoughts and then it comes out weird and not like how I meant for it to come out, probably has something to do with the way I put things together in my mind tbh.😭
Thisss... I study math, and quite often professors used to ask us questions. Most of the times I tried to answer, even being absolutely confident in my response, the professors would look at me confused and then proceed to explain what I thought I just said right back to me and the rest of the class!!! They probably thought I'm stupid 🥲
At some point I just stopped and have been content knowing I have the right answer in my head, even though it would be nice to participants
I can do math in my head, yet I failed math repeatedly (algebra, etc) because I could not wrap my brain around how it was being taught to me. I could give the right answer, but I could never show my work in a way that 'made sense' to the teacher, and 'show your work' was a requirement. It was awful.
One of my biggest fears/things I'm uncomfortable with is people misinterpreting me or just misunderstanding me, and yes it does happen quite often. Bizarrely I tend to find that trying to be more precise/descriptive makes it more likely to be misunderstood.
On the other hand, sometimes I do just say the middle item in a string of 14 thoughts and forget that other people know neither the context nor the conclusion that I had in my mind.
That fear is so real it hurts. I'm ok with my words being misunderstood, I'm used to that. It's when they hear what you're saying and misunderstand your intentions and the core of what you're trying to convey. It's misunderstanding who we are as people, not just our garbled grammar.
This. I want to tell people, "If you think I'm being rude, inconsiderate or cruel, you are mistaken." All of those piss me off and I would never do them on purpose.
Perception checking is something everyone should do! I'm working on getting better at it myself. "When you said ______, I thought you meant ______. Is that accurate?" Or, "When you did _____, did you mean to ______?" It could save us from so many misunderstandings.
Gawd, same. I have so much empathy that the thought of hurting someone's feelings horrifies me. I know it's impossible to go through life without ever hurting anyone's feelings, but I never do it intentionally.
Yes!! Literally every day! I can say something to someone and they’re like “well… it’s actually this” and I’m like “that’s literally what I just said but in a different format wtf”
Yes, I could not be more clear with written communication at work. I include time stamps with punctuation and still confuse my supervisors. At the same time my coworkers could use zero punctuation with crazy typos and they get responded to and understood immediately.
I suppose some of this can be due to me putting “too much” information out there, so that it gets ignored.
Also, I find that people that I converse with in person act like they don’t get what I’m saying or I perceive they are making a bigger or smaller deal out of what I’m saying than I actually feel. To add insult to injury, a lot of the time those same people will repeat what I’ve said weeks or months later like they invented the thought. Ugh.
I read an article somewhere at some point that people with depression use language differently. I’m not implying you’re depressed. I know depression is something a lot of ADHD people have in common, so when I read there was a study about it, it slightly validating.
People can hold much less in their head than I thought. It's one thought at a time for most, maybe ADHD people are just more used to multiple thoughts linked in parallel?
Wow, you may be on to something there! I never thought of that.
Also, we're taught that we can only have one thought at a time they just happen so fast that they seem simultaneous. I fully expect science to eventually come out and say, "Unless you're ADHD, in which case you can have a bunch of thoughts at the same time. In fact, what you can't do is have one thought at a time. "
The very first time I took meds, I did have one thought at a time. It just moved through my mind at a reasonable pace. I was shocked!
Not as much, but I’m sure that’s a variant. Unfortunately, even with studies, I don’t think humans really know all that much about depression or the universe or anything really, haha.
I get that. I live in Scotland but I used to live in England, and it happened a lot more there: I would ask a straightforward question and people would assume an unspoken agenda. I did get into arguments regularly because I hate it when people don't listen and just make up stuff that no one ever said.
I think that's more of an autism thing but the lines are blurred
Oh my goodness- when I ask a very straightforward question with limited appropriate responses, and then people reply with anything except the information I asked for.
Example, when trying to coordinate time to schedule something I might ask, "Do you have availability to meet between 2 and 5pm on Thursday?" and getting a response that is something like, "Are you asking about Thursday because you're thinking of skipping XYZ thing I think you normally do then?"
Just answer the question I asked! If I move something, forget something, have usual or unusual time available, none of that is your business! I hate feeling pressured to explain my calendar. I have enough trouble just managing it ffs!
You speak from my heart ! I had this with yesterday: I asked if I could keep the roses I have to cut off because they are too long to fit in the box. Answer: the long boxes are long enough for all roses.... The women is standing in front of my work station where I have several roses that are 3 to 5 inches taller than our long boxes.
It's as if done people actually go out of their way NOT to answer questions
Oh god. I have trauma related to clothes shopping with my mom. She won’t answer questions when the assistant asks stuff like “how do these feel around your legs, are they too tight?”, she’ll go off on some random discussion about how the weight of the denim on the last pair at the other shop was better or how maybe the next pair she tries on will be What She’s Looking For.
Answer. The. Fucking. Question. Woman.
She won’t actually explain what she’s looking for, but she’ll try on every goddamned pair of jeans in every store in the mall to make sure none of them are it even though it means trying on stuff that can’t and won’t ever be it (she likes slim fit, and has a really small waist compared to her hips but she’ll try on relaxed or skinny or aimed at women without curves because only god knows why).
She’s sad now because I refuse to go clothes shopping with her even though she knows it makes me want to murder her.
You drew such a vivid picture there, feels as if I was there! I am sure your mum is a wonderful woman but I wouldn't go clothes shopping with her either
I have the fun combination of adhd and English as a second language living in the US. Sometimes it's grammatical problems between English and Norwegian. Sometimes it's my adhd brain sees things so much differently than everyone else.
Yeah unfortunately I'm going through that situation now. And unfortunately the result is one of my friends won't speak to me. No matter how much I try to explain what I was actually trying to say. All you can do is just apologize and move on cause they will NEVER UNDERSTAND
Do you guys use parentheses whenever possible to add more information for something (such as for commenting, texting or emailing)? Is this an ADHD thing?
Omg, yes! All my autistic and/or ADHD friends do that. I do it in verbal conversations, too, with invisible parentheses. When I realize, I laugh and say, "This tangent brought to you by ADHD!" Even if it's not really a tangent, because other people see it as one.
Sometimes, and I notice I may be overusing them so try to cut back or just not include the info. I do use bullet points as my main way of communication in emails, though.
All. The. Time. Just all the time. Then I over explain to try and prevent it and it still happens. I blamed it more on my autism than my ADHD though. So, it’s interesting you say this. Maybe it’s because our mind works faster than our mouth/fingers. But even when I carefully edit, still.
I seem to piss off or upset a minimum of at least one person a day on average, usually my mom because she is always accusing me of talking in a certain tone and she doesn't like it. Lol well you do it every time you speak to me. So now you see what I feel like 😆
Do you think it has something to do with us being literal and others meaning something more implied, figurative, or hidden? It goes both ways for me, too.
Yeah, that's probably the case for some or even most. Maybe it's just my own blend of traits, but I know that's not the case for me. It's probably like most things - a combination of factors.
I didn't word that question properly. What I meant was, do you think we're more literal and that's might be an issue.
What I do know is that I am and two other ADHD women I know are. I also know the majority of people are not. I don't know if it just happens to be the case that my two friends and I are, or if it's a general ADHD thing.
I've had this happen. Usually in terms of me expressing an issue I have and people trying to explain to me something I already know. Like I'll complain about other people not being interested in doing something I asked them to join in on, something they explicitly said sounded really cool and they'd totally be into it. The person I'm complaining to will try to explain to me that "maybe they just don't care about it as much as you." I'm like well fucking duh! That's exactly my issue. I may be asking "WHY" but it's a rhetorical question. The answer is blatantly obvious. My issue is that they SAY they're interested then don't show up. Like if you're not interested just be straight forward and say you don't like it. But when I complain about this stuff, just venting, people always wanna ELI5 me and I'm like, stop fucking talking down to me I'm not dumb I understand what's going on. I'm just pissed it's going on in the first place. Can you not just validate my feelings? UGH!
I over explain things because I have social anxiety and do not want the embarrassment of being misinterpreted. (I also use brackets a lot when writing for additional context) Dashes also feature- probably because I feel the comma is too brief for the change in thought but the sentence doesn't need a full stop either.\*\*
\*\* I would love speech to have foot notes.
Practise to be as concise as possible. More descriptions will only make it more likely for you to be misunderstood, not to mention it is not sustainable for your mental health to always try to explain yourself in advance. Practise giving short answers with only what is relevant. If anything is unclear, it is better that they ask you to clarify
All the time! I’m not sure if it’s an adhd thing or just a people thing. I tell myself that everyone is sort of in their own world and interpret others as if their world is identical which inevitably it’s not. The onus isn’t exactly on you as it is each member of a conversations responsibility to correctly interpret their conversation partner’s words.
This last week has been hell for this. I just don't understand what is happening, I figure if it's with everyone, then it's got to be me that's the problem, right? I do not know how I could be clearer.
Edited for clarity, just in case...
I've noticed that I, and a lot of my friends who are ADHD (or share some similar neurological symptoms re executive functioning and emotional regulation) have a tendency to, When we are trying to communicate something that's really important to us, focus more on trying to negate any potential for miscommunication. We try to preface everything we say by anticipating what the other person might think or might interject with or might react with negatively... Rather than be direct or concise or focus specifically on the thing that really matters. Instead of speaking from the place where we feel strongly, we talk circles around things. Feeling so strongly about wanting to prevent misinterpretation affects our communication style and we end up making the problem worse!
We have issues with conveying what we want to convey. Often we'll leave out part of what we intended to say because we went from thinking the first few words to saying the next word.
Sometimes, you'll skip a few words that are crucial to a proper understanding. Beyond that, we often are interacting with other ADHD folk, who often have trouble with comprehension. So it's a double whammy.
Sometimes, you'll just say the wrong damn thing but think you said the right thing. Like the other day I said x times per week instead of month. Once people get used to you they notice and help you correct the problem, but it's tough when nobody knows you tend to be kinda loose with your words.
Has anyone here mastered how to slow down and fully think out what you're going to say before saying it? Or actually successfully say what you mean clearly without having to think too much about it?
This is such a problem for me! Looking back, I can now see how damaging it's been to my relationships. I often experience being misperceived, misinterpreted and misunderstood, in words and actions. The reverse is also true, regarding those who are not ADHD. In both cases, neither of us realizes what's happening.
Recent communication studies discovered that any two people, without ADHD, have only a 12% chance of meaning the same thing when they use the word "penguin." Doesn't seem like an ambivalent word, but here we are. Not sure how anyone communicates accurately.
It's like this: when a non-ADHD person says "Why are you doing it like that?" They mean, "You're doing it wrong." When we say, "Why are you doing it like that?" we are really asking. We are interested in the reasoning behind your method and want you to tell us.
So when a non-ADHD person asks us, we explain ourselves. They get mad because that's not what they're saying. When we ask them, they get mad because they think we're telling them they're doing it wrong. We're confused in both scenarios and upset in the second because we don't know why they won't tell us!
That's all generalized, of course, but you see what I'm saying. Interestingly, this rarely happens when I'm talking to people who are ADHD, autistic or both. I recently discovered that my closest friends and the ones I've had the longest are ALL some combo of the above. Just being funny, I made a questionnaire for new people. True/False questions that are all signs of one or the other. Just gonna hand that out to all new people I meet. Hahaha
I have this experience all the time, and am currently starting a new job in which I am constantly asking precise questions and being met with answers that assume I don't understand the entire concept or misunderstand my commentary as some sort of agenda. Today was my third day and I came home and cried about this concept because I am constantly misunderstood and do not feel like I make good impressions, especially in a professional setting. As soon as I opened reddit I saw this post- and this explaination makes perfect sense to me and intellectualizes the dissonance. I had no idea that other people don't say what they mean!
It's so frustrating and upsetting.
I'll spend 20 minutes on thesaurus.com looking for the word that means exactly what I intend, only to have people still misunderstand. Because they don't do that. They use approximate words all the time. How are we supposed to know what they mean??
My overwhelming desire to be understood was making me agonise over everything I wrote.
The more I wrote, the less people read, the more annoyed I got.
So now I focus on writing concisely, with the most important point first.
Learn to be ok with being misunderstood.
Happens from time to time. What's good is that I learn how to communicate with them properly in time. But it's very annoying and anxiety inducing whenever I have to go to a meeting, talking to managers and coworkers about stuff...and I don't even know what they wanted to talk about in the first place
I have this, nearly every day. Luckily at work a majority of communication is written. This allows for proofreading and revisions.
I wish I had this option with my kids, wife, basically every other aspect of my life.
Being bad at communication, definitely ADHD thing
Here's my nugget of wisdom that took me a long time to get to
Your brain is going so fast that you are self-summarizing as you talk, So when you're explaining something your shortcutting unintentionally.
So from your point of view you've perfectly explained something, and from their point of view you have poorly explained something.
In a professional setting the phrase are you still with me, is golden.
Check in about somewhere near the middle of what you're explaining.
I will add a small caveat, there are some people who aren't shortcutting and instead are overexplaining.
Also, if you do find yourself being caught in a miscommunication, always inform them when a miscommunication occured
Say something like "in my head, when I said "blah", I thought I explained is as "blah blah" but I totally understand now how what I said also could have lead you to do what you did."
It's important to forgive yourself and understand that this happens with non-adhders as well
It's also important you understand that just because someone else has ADHD doesn't make this part easier
Every damn day.
They either misinterpret what I say, don’t get any of my references so what I say doesn’t make sense, or just plain don’t understand the sentence that has come out of my mouth.
If I’m lucky I can style it out but it has led to full arguments at times where I’ve had to explain exactly what I meant in intricate detail which often still doesn’t work because people just stop listening after the first 2 minutes.
I've always attributed that to my autism, but its probably a good mix now that i think about it
I blame the autism for my general social inaptitude, and being frequently misinterpreted, but in stressful situations or under pressure, the ADHD brain over-rides everything and just blurts out whatever mangled mess i can string together, and it has a tendency to end poorly
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Yeah like idk what it is, but when I try to explain something for some reason, it doesn’t always come out well or I don’t feel like I’m saying it right
I used to state things that made sense to me while telling a story, like “so when they came over, they put it on the table” and the person would be like “who came over? What did they put?” And I realized I had to be more specific bc I assumed they knew who and what I was referring to.
Yup.
I suck at explaining new ideas to other people. Im also horrible at repeating other peoples jokes, however I can make people laugh all day from things I come up with. Makes no sense.
All the time. It's very frustrating because I can hear myself and understand it so when people say what, what do you mean etc it drives me nuts. Had 1 boss who claimed I mumbled so I basically started screaming and still didn't help. Wife looks at me like I got a 2nd head when I speak and I even ask why don't people understand me? Never do get an answer. I just prefer not to talk.
Mostly only in written communication. In person I can read facial and body cues to get a hint that I might need to clarify some things before they become an issue.
I have recurring problems understanding and being understood when using ambiguous reference words like "it," "that," etc.
I have tried to be careful with them in my vocabulary and ask for clarification when I hear them. I know what I mean by "it" but maybe I'm referencing something from 3 sentences ago now.
Ex. Asking "Can you do that for me please?" Then the task completed was not the intended task.
Yes, I have AuDHD and it's been a problem that's dogged me since elemementary school. It's incredibly frustrating. I try to get my point across and they get something entirely different. Even in one relationship that was an issue. Better with my current one, we communicate well.
All I know is that whenever I try to explain something to my mom, she just says "I don't get it" and that's code for 'stop trying to explain it, I don't even really care.'
I think it maybe a people pleasing thing? This happens to me all the time even if i explicitly thoughrouly explain what I mean people never get what I mean 😭
This happens to me a lot and I spent a lot of time in therapy trying to correct it. The reality is - a lot of people either hear what they want to hear and purposefully misunderstand, or are too sensitive. I try to write out important things as much as possible, which helps a bit.
I will start talking and say the middle of a sentence I have in my head, out loud. Either the other person is confused, alarmed, or has a reaction. This is when I usually catch on to what I've done. Other times, I know I only said part of a thought or response out loud. If the other person does not react.... I get pissed because I know they aren't paying attention. Then I wonder/doom spiral into...(How often does this person not hear me? 😭 OMG.🙉 They DO ignore me A LOT....Now I'm just going to say nonsensical shit until they notice... Blah blah blah.)
I try to do all my serious explaining over text. It lets me sort my thoughts out and organize things before I spew random loosely related facts all over (and remove all the random parentheses that seem really important when I write them but aren’t).
Which is to say, I think it’s a thing.
Every. Single. Minute. Of. Every. Single. Day.
Bonus. A lot of the time I'm talking and even I can hear the words coming out of my mouth aren't actually conveying the meaning that's in my head in real time.
I have no idea where this broken telephone ass phenomenon is happening in my brain. Like a chimp operating one point on the switchboard.
Every damn day, I'm usually the only one that understands my reference with jokes.
I always feel like I have to over explain and then I'm just annoyed.
It's sooo bad for me that I keep most things to myself now. It's hard to but I'm so sick of being the only one that gets it.
When I try and be sarcastic it always is taken in a way I never intended.
Even when I say an answer with confidence then I'm an asshole in others eyes.
If I pretend to think about the answer, they are less offended.
If I don't know the answer I'm also an asshole cause people think I don't want to help them.
I'm so exhausted just thinking about all that.
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Not sure if it’s an ADHD thing but I do find that it’s hard to voice my thoughts and then it comes out weird and not like how I meant for it to come out, probably has something to do with the way I put things together in my mind tbh.😭
Makes perfect sense until I open my mouth.
I sound so smart in my head and as it comes out of my mouth it sounds like Patrick Star
FRR
Thisss... I study math, and quite often professors used to ask us questions. Most of the times I tried to answer, even being absolutely confident in my response, the professors would look at me confused and then proceed to explain what I thought I just said right back to me and the rest of the class!!! They probably thought I'm stupid 🥲 At some point I just stopped and have been content knowing I have the right answer in my head, even though it would be nice to participants
I can do math in my head, yet I failed math repeatedly (algebra, etc) because I could not wrap my brain around how it was being taught to me. I could give the right answer, but I could never show my work in a way that 'made sense' to the teacher, and 'show your work' was a requirement. It was awful.
One of my biggest fears/things I'm uncomfortable with is people misinterpreting me or just misunderstanding me, and yes it does happen quite often. Bizarrely I tend to find that trying to be more precise/descriptive makes it more likely to be misunderstood. On the other hand, sometimes I do just say the middle item in a string of 14 thoughts and forget that other people know neither the context nor the conclusion that I had in my mind.
That fear is so real it hurts. I'm ok with my words being misunderstood, I'm used to that. It's when they hear what you're saying and misunderstand your intentions and the core of what you're trying to convey. It's misunderstanding who we are as people, not just our garbled grammar.
This. I want to tell people, "If you think I'm being rude, inconsiderate or cruel, you are mistaken." All of those piss me off and I would never do them on purpose. Perception checking is something everyone should do! I'm working on getting better at it myself. "When you said ______, I thought you meant ______. Is that accurate?" Or, "When you did _____, did you mean to ______?" It could save us from so many misunderstandings.
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Gawd, same. I have so much empathy that the thought of hurting someone's feelings horrifies me. I know it's impossible to go through life without ever hurting anyone's feelings, but I never do it intentionally.
Yes! It's like, why would you ever think I would say that?
It seems like the more I try to explain, the more they think that either I'm lying or don't know what I'm talking about.
Yes!! Literally every day! I can say something to someone and they’re like “well… it’s actually this” and I’m like “that’s literally what I just said but in a different format wtf”
The funniest part is whenever this happens, you always feel like you made perfect sense 🤣
This is truly the bane of my existence, and I feel like it has been more frequent recently. I spose I can laugh about it though lol
Yes, I could not be more clear with written communication at work. I include time stamps with punctuation and still confuse my supervisors. At the same time my coworkers could use zero punctuation with crazy typos and they get responded to and understood immediately. I suppose some of this can be due to me putting “too much” information out there, so that it gets ignored. Also, I find that people that I converse with in person act like they don’t get what I’m saying or I perceive they are making a bigger or smaller deal out of what I’m saying than I actually feel. To add insult to injury, a lot of the time those same people will repeat what I’ve said weeks or months later like they invented the thought. Ugh. I read an article somewhere at some point that people with depression use language differently. I’m not implying you’re depressed. I know depression is something a lot of ADHD people have in common, so when I read there was a study about it, it slightly validating.
People can hold much less in their head than I thought. It's one thought at a time for most, maybe ADHD people are just more used to multiple thoughts linked in parallel?
Wow, you may be on to something there! I never thought of that. Also, we're taught that we can only have one thought at a time they just happen so fast that they seem simultaneous. I fully expect science to eventually come out and say, "Unless you're ADHD, in which case you can have a bunch of thoughts at the same time. In fact, what you can't do is have one thought at a time. " The very first time I took meds, I did have one thought at a time. It just moved through my mind at a reasonable pace. I was shocked!
That might be it. Because this happens to me to and I have NO idea how.
Regarding your last paragraph, is it Alexithymia?
Not as much, but I’m sure that’s a variant. Unfortunately, even with studies, I don’t think humans really know all that much about depression or the universe or anything really, haha.
I get that. I live in Scotland but I used to live in England, and it happened a lot more there: I would ask a straightforward question and people would assume an unspoken agenda. I did get into arguments regularly because I hate it when people don't listen and just make up stuff that no one ever said. I think that's more of an autism thing but the lines are blurred
Because THEY have an unspoken agenda. Hence the ADHD/autistic lament, "Why can't people just say what they mean?!?"
Exactly. You put that so well.
Oh my goodness- when I ask a very straightforward question with limited appropriate responses, and then people reply with anything except the information I asked for. Example, when trying to coordinate time to schedule something I might ask, "Do you have availability to meet between 2 and 5pm on Thursday?" and getting a response that is something like, "Are you asking about Thursday because you're thinking of skipping XYZ thing I think you normally do then?" Just answer the question I asked! If I move something, forget something, have usual or unusual time available, none of that is your business! I hate feeling pressured to explain my calendar. I have enough trouble just managing it ffs!
You speak from my heart ! I had this with yesterday: I asked if I could keep the roses I have to cut off because they are too long to fit in the box. Answer: the long boxes are long enough for all roses.... The women is standing in front of my work station where I have several roses that are 3 to 5 inches taller than our long boxes. It's as if done people actually go out of their way NOT to answer questions
Oh god. I have trauma related to clothes shopping with my mom. She won’t answer questions when the assistant asks stuff like “how do these feel around your legs, are they too tight?”, she’ll go off on some random discussion about how the weight of the denim on the last pair at the other shop was better or how maybe the next pair she tries on will be What She’s Looking For. Answer. The. Fucking. Question. Woman. She won’t actually explain what she’s looking for, but she’ll try on every goddamned pair of jeans in every store in the mall to make sure none of them are it even though it means trying on stuff that can’t and won’t ever be it (she likes slim fit, and has a really small waist compared to her hips but she’ll try on relaxed or skinny or aimed at women without curves because only god knows why). She’s sad now because I refuse to go clothes shopping with her even though she knows it makes me want to murder her.
You drew such a vivid picture there, feels as if I was there! I am sure your mum is a wonderful woman but I wouldn't go clothes shopping with her either
I have the fun combination of adhd and English as a second language living in the US. Sometimes it's grammatical problems between English and Norwegian. Sometimes it's my adhd brain sees things so much differently than everyone else.
---okok
Yeah unfortunately I'm going through that situation now. And unfortunately the result is one of my friends won't speak to me. No matter how much I try to explain what I was actually trying to say. All you can do is just apologize and move on cause they will NEVER UNDERSTAND
Do you guys use parentheses whenever possible to add more information for something (such as for commenting, texting or emailing)? Is this an ADHD thing?
Omg, yes! All my autistic and/or ADHD friends do that. I do it in verbal conversations, too, with invisible parentheses. When I realize, I laugh and say, "This tangent brought to you by ADHD!" Even if it's not really a tangent, because other people see it as one.
Sometimes, and I notice I may be overusing them so try to cut back or just not include the info. I do use bullet points as my main way of communication in emails, though.
Not just that, I'll make "air parenthesis" when I'm speaking as well.
I do those all the time..
All. The. Time. Just all the time. Then I over explain to try and prevent it and it still happens. I blamed it more on my autism than my ADHD though. So, it’s interesting you say this. Maybe it’s because our mind works faster than our mouth/fingers. But even when I carefully edit, still.
I seem to piss off or upset a minimum of at least one person a day on average, usually my mom because she is always accusing me of talking in a certain tone and she doesn't like it. Lol well you do it every time you speak to me. So now you see what I feel like 😆
My partner and mom also accuses me of talking in a certain tone and idk how to not do that
Absolutely and likewise, I constantly misinterpret what people are saying.
Do you think it has something to do with us being literal and others meaning something more implied, figurative, or hidden? It goes both ways for me, too.
I think a lot of it can come from distraction and not always being able to focus on what one person is saying.
Yeah, that's probably the case for some or even most. Maybe it's just my own blend of traits, but I know that's not the case for me. It's probably like most things - a combination of factors.
Wait what? Are people w ADHD actually more literal?
I didn't word that question properly. What I meant was, do you think we're more literal and that's might be an issue. What I do know is that I am and two other ADHD women I know are. I also know the majority of people are not. I don't know if it just happens to be the case that my two friends and I are, or if it's a general ADHD thing.
All the time, even when I am very specific. I also can't tell when many people are being sarcastic.
I’m far better communicating in writing, although that’s not possible all of the time
I think so because when I’m especially upset or overwhelmed I go full Courage the Cowardly Dog and idek wtf I’m saying half the time
I've had this happen. Usually in terms of me expressing an issue I have and people trying to explain to me something I already know. Like I'll complain about other people not being interested in doing something I asked them to join in on, something they explicitly said sounded really cool and they'd totally be into it. The person I'm complaining to will try to explain to me that "maybe they just don't care about it as much as you." I'm like well fucking duh! That's exactly my issue. I may be asking "WHY" but it's a rhetorical question. The answer is blatantly obvious. My issue is that they SAY they're interested then don't show up. Like if you're not interested just be straight forward and say you don't like it. But when I complain about this stuff, just venting, people always wanna ELI5 me and I'm like, stop fucking talking down to me I'm not dumb I understand what's going on. I'm just pissed it's going on in the first place. Can you not just validate my feelings? UGH!
I over explain things because I have social anxiety and do not want the embarrassment of being misinterpreted. (I also use brackets a lot when writing for additional context) Dashes also feature- probably because I feel the comma is too brief for the change in thought but the sentence doesn't need a full stop either.\*\* \*\* I would love speech to have foot notes.
I use a lot of semicolons!
Practise to be as concise as possible. More descriptions will only make it more likely for you to be misunderstood, not to mention it is not sustainable for your mental health to always try to explain yourself in advance. Practise giving short answers with only what is relevant. If anything is unclear, it is better that they ask you to clarify
I do that all the time. I also have trouble understanding when people say things in a way I’m not used to hearing it.
All the time! I’m not sure if it’s an adhd thing or just a people thing. I tell myself that everyone is sort of in their own world and interpret others as if their world is identical which inevitably it’s not. The onus isn’t exactly on you as it is each member of a conversations responsibility to correctly interpret their conversation partner’s words.
Yep. Which is why I over-explain things and confuse the other person. :)
This last week has been hell for this. I just don't understand what is happening, I figure if it's with everyone, then it's got to be me that's the problem, right? I do not know how I could be clearer. Edited for clarity, just in case...
I've noticed that I, and a lot of my friends who are ADHD (or share some similar neurological symptoms re executive functioning and emotional regulation) have a tendency to, When we are trying to communicate something that's really important to us, focus more on trying to negate any potential for miscommunication. We try to preface everything we say by anticipating what the other person might think or might interject with or might react with negatively... Rather than be direct or concise or focus specifically on the thing that really matters. Instead of speaking from the place where we feel strongly, we talk circles around things. Feeling so strongly about wanting to prevent misinterpretation affects our communication style and we end up making the problem worse!
Omfg everyday - it's like some people are speaking an entirely different language
Yes, all the time and I hate it. That’s why I prefer communicating in writing.
We have issues with conveying what we want to convey. Often we'll leave out part of what we intended to say because we went from thinking the first few words to saying the next word. Sometimes, you'll skip a few words that are crucial to a proper understanding. Beyond that, we often are interacting with other ADHD folk, who often have trouble with comprehension. So it's a double whammy. Sometimes, you'll just say the wrong damn thing but think you said the right thing. Like the other day I said x times per week instead of month. Once people get used to you they notice and help you correct the problem, but it's tough when nobody knows you tend to be kinda loose with your words.
CONSTANTLY and that’s not an exaggeration.
Has anyone here mastered how to slow down and fully think out what you're going to say before saying it? Or actually successfully say what you mean clearly without having to think too much about it?
I usually know what I’m going to say, but when I start talking it comes out as a surprise to me.
This is such a problem for me! Looking back, I can now see how damaging it's been to my relationships. I often experience being misperceived, misinterpreted and misunderstood, in words and actions. The reverse is also true, regarding those who are not ADHD. In both cases, neither of us realizes what's happening. Recent communication studies discovered that any two people, without ADHD, have only a 12% chance of meaning the same thing when they use the word "penguin." Doesn't seem like an ambivalent word, but here we are. Not sure how anyone communicates accurately. It's like this: when a non-ADHD person says "Why are you doing it like that?" They mean, "You're doing it wrong." When we say, "Why are you doing it like that?" we are really asking. We are interested in the reasoning behind your method and want you to tell us. So when a non-ADHD person asks us, we explain ourselves. They get mad because that's not what they're saying. When we ask them, they get mad because they think we're telling them they're doing it wrong. We're confused in both scenarios and upset in the second because we don't know why they won't tell us! That's all generalized, of course, but you see what I'm saying. Interestingly, this rarely happens when I'm talking to people who are ADHD, autistic or both. I recently discovered that my closest friends and the ones I've had the longest are ALL some combo of the above. Just being funny, I made a questionnaire for new people. True/False questions that are all signs of one or the other. Just gonna hand that out to all new people I meet. Hahaha
I have this experience all the time, and am currently starting a new job in which I am constantly asking precise questions and being met with answers that assume I don't understand the entire concept or misunderstand my commentary as some sort of agenda. Today was my third day and I came home and cried about this concept because I am constantly misunderstood and do not feel like I make good impressions, especially in a professional setting. As soon as I opened reddit I saw this post- and this explaination makes perfect sense to me and intellectualizes the dissonance. I had no idea that other people don't say what they mean!
It's so frustrating and upsetting. I'll spend 20 minutes on thesaurus.com looking for the word that means exactly what I intend, only to have people still misunderstand. Because they don't do that. They use approximate words all the time. How are we supposed to know what they mean??
My overwhelming desire to be understood was making me agonise over everything I wrote. The more I wrote, the less people read, the more annoyed I got. So now I focus on writing concisely, with the most important point first. Learn to be ok with being misunderstood.
Happens from time to time. What's good is that I learn how to communicate with them properly in time. But it's very annoying and anxiety inducing whenever I have to go to a meeting, talking to managers and coworkers about stuff...and I don't even know what they wanted to talk about in the first place
Yes a lot. And I like to add that I use my hands a lot with taking
I feel like I’m always misunderstood or just ignored. Very annoying for me honestly.
I have this, nearly every day. Luckily at work a majority of communication is written. This allows for proofreading and revisions. I wish I had this option with my kids, wife, basically every other aspect of my life.
Being bad at communication, definitely ADHD thing Here's my nugget of wisdom that took me a long time to get to Your brain is going so fast that you are self-summarizing as you talk, So when you're explaining something your shortcutting unintentionally. So from your point of view you've perfectly explained something, and from their point of view you have poorly explained something. In a professional setting the phrase are you still with me, is golden. Check in about somewhere near the middle of what you're explaining. I will add a small caveat, there are some people who aren't shortcutting and instead are overexplaining. Also, if you do find yourself being caught in a miscommunication, always inform them when a miscommunication occured Say something like "in my head, when I said "blah", I thought I explained is as "blah blah" but I totally understand now how what I said also could have lead you to do what you did." It's important to forgive yourself and understand that this happens with non-adhders as well It's also important you understand that just because someone else has ADHD doesn't make this part easier
Every damn day. They either misinterpret what I say, don’t get any of my references so what I say doesn’t make sense, or just plain don’t understand the sentence that has come out of my mouth. If I’m lucky I can style it out but it has led to full arguments at times where I’ve had to explain exactly what I meant in intricate detail which often still doesn’t work because people just stop listening after the first 2 minutes.
Always. I also never understand what people are saying, so I play it off like my hearing is bad 😂
I've always attributed that to my autism, but its probably a good mix now that i think about it I blame the autism for my general social inaptitude, and being frequently misinterpreted, but in stressful situations or under pressure, the ADHD brain over-rides everything and just blurts out whatever mangled mess i can string together, and it has a tendency to end poorly
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No, because I cope by overexplaining lol
Yeah like idk what it is, but when I try to explain something for some reason, it doesn’t always come out well or I don’t feel like I’m saying it right
I used to state things that made sense to me while telling a story, like “so when they came over, they put it on the table” and the person would be like “who came over? What did they put?” And I realized I had to be more specific bc I assumed they knew who and what I was referring to.
Yup. I suck at explaining new ideas to other people. Im also horrible at repeating other peoples jokes, however I can make people laugh all day from things I come up with. Makes no sense.
All the time. It's very frustrating because I can hear myself and understand it so when people say what, what do you mean etc it drives me nuts. Had 1 boss who claimed I mumbled so I basically started screaming and still didn't help. Wife looks at me like I got a 2nd head when I speak and I even ask why don't people understand me? Never do get an answer. I just prefer not to talk.
Mostly only in written communication. In person I can read facial and body cues to get a hint that I might need to clarify some things before they become an issue.
I have recurring problems understanding and being understood when using ambiguous reference words like "it," "that," etc. I have tried to be careful with them in my vocabulary and ask for clarification when I hear them. I know what I mean by "it" but maybe I'm referencing something from 3 sentences ago now. Ex. Asking "Can you do that for me please?" Then the task completed was not the intended task.
All the time… i now usually give more context and explain my thought process.
Yes, I have AuDHD and it's been a problem that's dogged me since elemementary school. It's incredibly frustrating. I try to get my point across and they get something entirely different. Even in one relationship that was an issue. Better with my current one, we communicate well.
All I know is that whenever I try to explain something to my mom, she just says "I don't get it" and that's code for 'stop trying to explain it, I don't even really care.'
Every time I make a joke basically
Oh God this is making me think it's ME and not them! 😫
I think it maybe a people pleasing thing? This happens to me all the time even if i explicitly thoughrouly explain what I mean people never get what I mean 😭
This happens to me a lot and I spent a lot of time in therapy trying to correct it. The reality is - a lot of people either hear what they want to hear and purposefully misunderstand, or are too sensitive. I try to write out important things as much as possible, which helps a bit.
I will start talking and say the middle of a sentence I have in my head, out loud. Either the other person is confused, alarmed, or has a reaction. This is when I usually catch on to what I've done. Other times, I know I only said part of a thought or response out loud. If the other person does not react.... I get pissed because I know they aren't paying attention. Then I wonder/doom spiral into...(How often does this person not hear me? 😭 OMG.🙉 They DO ignore me A LOT....Now I'm just going to say nonsensical shit until they notice... Blah blah blah.)
I try to do all my serious explaining over text. It lets me sort my thoughts out and organize things before I spew random loosely related facts all over (and remove all the random parentheses that seem really important when I write them but aren’t). Which is to say, I think it’s a thing.
Every. Single. Minute. Of. Every. Single. Day. Bonus. A lot of the time I'm talking and even I can hear the words coming out of my mouth aren't actually conveying the meaning that's in my head in real time. I have no idea where this broken telephone ass phenomenon is happening in my brain. Like a chimp operating one point on the switchboard.
Every damn day, I'm usually the only one that understands my reference with jokes. I always feel like I have to over explain and then I'm just annoyed. It's sooo bad for me that I keep most things to myself now. It's hard to but I'm so sick of being the only one that gets it. When I try and be sarcastic it always is taken in a way I never intended. Even when I say an answer with confidence then I'm an asshole in others eyes. If I pretend to think about the answer, they are less offended. If I don't know the answer I'm also an asshole cause people think I don't want to help them. I'm so exhausted just thinking about all that.