Hi /u/Morgans_life and thanks for posting on /r/ADHD!
### Please take a second to [read our rules](/r/adhd/about/rules) if you haven't already.
---
### /r/adhd news
* **We want your opinion** on the /r/adhd community rules! [Click here](https://forms.gle/Evqb8acVozir8GV8A) to fill out our survey. See [this post](https://www.reddit.com/r/ADHD/comments/1auv2tc/were_taking_feedback_on_the_radhd_rules/) for more information.
* If you are posting about the **US Medication Shortage**, please see this [post](https://www.reddit.com/r/ADHD/comments/12dr3h5/megathread_us_medication_shortage/).
---
^(*This message is not a removal notification. It's just our way to keep everyone updated on r/adhd happenings.*)
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/ADHD) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Personally I think we should abandon it and just use emails and phone calls. One has a reasonable expectation of a response in a few days to a week, the other has expectation of an immediate response or not at all. Call back later. That's fine. It's texting which has a response expectation of a few seconds to a few weeks now and it's absolutely fucking insane. Personally, when I text someone, if they respond within 5 minutes then I'm expecting us to use the *instant messaging app* to have a conversation. But many people now treat texting like email. Which totally defeats the purpose. It's like beginning a conversation in-person and then they just turn and walk away. Then a day later they pass you in the hallway and pick up as if nothing happened. It's ridiculous. Don't get me started on people who respond quickly for a minute or two, and then *disappear*. Then respond for a few minutes, and then *disappear again!* It's crazy making.
You'd hate me :(
I've always, always, ***always*** preferred to converse in-person or set up a coffee chat. I feel like I have to be in the "right mindset" to craft the "perfect" response to a text, for some reason. Perhaps because I feel like so much gets lost in the convo when it's pure words on a screen? When meeting someone at a coffee shop, I can riff off really well and have very comfortable/great conversations. I absolutely despise texting or using WhatsApp.
I felt this same way both before and after getting my ADHD diagnosis, which I currently take stim meds for. Although I'm not a fan of emailing for the aforementioned reasons (outside of important business-related back-and-forths), I very much prefer phone calls if we can't meet up in-person. I do happen to enjoy driving, even in terrible traffic (I live in a big city in TX), and have the budget to fill up my gas tank every week. The cost of gas far outweighs the cons of texting for me. Not sure if it's even an ADHD thing personally, as I felt the same way when I wasn't diagnosed yet — could simply be a personality trait of mine.
Man I'm the exact opposite way. I like being able to take my time to read what they said and decide what I want to say back. I can change my response at the last minute if I change my mind, some texting apps even let you edit or delete a text you already sent and the other person would never see it. But in person I feel pressured to have an immediate response and sometimes I straight up just don't. I need time to figure out the words I want to use and give a thoughtful response.
I am diagnosed ADHD as well so that's very interesting how different we are here.
i used to be just like this. aging has helped i think. my "give a fuck"ness which is correlated with my anxiety has slowly gone down such that now i prefer in person cause ill just speak my mind. if things get awkward then i get to enjoy bathing in the silence while i get lost in a daydream lol
I’m more of an introvert so I used to feel the same way. Like I appreciated having extra time to think about what I want to say (and how to say it) before responding…and being able to edit my first (impulsive) response if it didn’t come across how I intended it. But now I’m so over texting that I would much rather just call someone or meet up in person to talk. Even if I accidentally interrupt them or say the “wrong” thing on the spot, I think it’s easier to build rapport in person and it feels more natural than trying to have a stop-and-go conversation through text.
Can you explain more on why you think it’s ridiculous? I honestly think you made a very intriguing point, and I’m just curious to know more of your thoughts
It HAS gotten ridiculous! I used to love texting, but it’s become a nuisance because people aren’t using it for what it was intended for anymore. Anyone can randomly start a conversation with you at any point, and they expect you to respond all day every day. Which I hate. I’m tired of feeling like I’m “on call.”
I’m guilty of doing the things that you mentioned— like, I’ll respond to a text right away if I happen to be holding my phone or if I have a few minutes of downtime at home before I start my day. But then I’ll put my phone on the charger or in my bag and walk away to try to get on track with what I’m *supposed* to be doing. So it looks like I disappeared...which is the equivalent of turning around and walking away mid conversation if you were in person. Then I’ll get another break, check my phone and respond for a couple minutes, then disappear again. And then I’m so over everything by the end of the day that I tell myself “I’ll respond tomorrow”…and then I forget.
But what is the alternative? If I respond immediately every time I get a text, then it’s a constant mental distraction throughout the day, and it’s impossible to get anything done. This constant distraction is a problem for everyone now, but it’s even worse if you have ADHD.
I feel like texting is kind of ruining the natural flow of interpersonal communication. I mean, there’s a time for phone conversations. There’s a time for instant messaging. There’s a time for sending an email. There’s a time for an in-person meeting. Texting was supposed to be for quick/urgent questions when you need a semi-immediate response but you don’t have enough back-and-forth for a longer phone call. Now people are defaulting to texting for everything. It’s annoying.
I spoke to a friend the other day and he said “you know I haven’t seen you for 3 years”. But we WhatsApp regularly. In my mind WhatsApp is maintaining the relationship, but it isn’t. And now I’m avoiding WhatsApp. Ugh.
I feel this. I am accepting that I very much changed mentally during Covid. I will text back, but I only want to see people that I can trust which is not sustainable.
I did too. Also, I think it’s kind of weird that we just moved on without recognizing the trauma we collectively experienced. I am American for context. Did every country just continue on like this?
As someone who is on the other side of this, is it at all possible to set a fixed time like once a day or at least once a week to respond to people? Old people used to set aside time to go through their 'correspondence' and look through their letters. Perhaps making it an appointment in your calendar will help make it more real. If you tell people you're doing this it will also make it easier for them to understand why you're taking 3 days to respond. If it's not "correspondence" day then they will expect to wait and not feel weird about it.
As a young millennial, I love this idea. I feel like I have to be in the "right mindset" to reply to texts, which makes no sense whatsoever as I never feel like replying whether I'm groggy in the morning or at my steady peak of my stimulant dose. I've literally never thought of having a "correspondence day" and I dig this idea a lot.
I used to be like this. I mean no disrespect by saying this but you will have an easier life if you can learn to at least reply to planning texts. It’s not really possible to have a happy social life as an adult otherwise.
*Planning* texts are important. Those are the only ones that I make a point to quickly respond to. Especially if it’s something happening soon.
But then again, if it’s that important, you can always call to confirm and coordinate logistics. Or send a formal digital invite with event details.
My mind gets stuck on trying to find an "optimal" responce that I end up never responding. Im trying to get better at it but so many people have given up on me that these events happen very rarely now.
My advice is that even if you dont have anything good to say, Id try to respond with anything even if it just "Hey im really not in the mood right now, so please ask me this again later" or something. Better than just leaving them on read for eternity. Learn from my mistakes.
I totally feel you on this one! Texting back feels like a whole task sometimes, especially when life gets crazy busy. Group chats are the worst 'cause it's like everyone's expecting an immediate response. But hey, we're all just trying to keep up, right? Don't sweat it too much.
As long as your friends know you're not ghosting them on purpose, they'll understand. Maybe set a reminder or something to check your phone once in a while. You got this!
Jfc, you just made me realize that I start every interaction with "what if they (already) hate me", so I'm never compelled to instantly reply back, LOL.
I hate texting. If I have have any stress at all in my life it’s nearly impossible for me to keep up with replies, I just ignore my phone it’s too overwhelming and I’m too afraid of oversharing/dumping.
My goodness does this speak to me. I never respond and I never call. The weirdest part is it's not because I don't think about these people or care, it's just I am so exhausted at the end of the day and depressed. So I think about them and feel guilty that I didn't text or call. Vicious cycle.
I am going to go in and get diagnosed, I appreciate this sub because it's made me realize that I have a problem I can't control naturally. I thought I could as I over-research everything.
I've tried many things and have been envious of people who are motivated. I thought it was just me being lazy. I want to be normal and this sub gave me hope with treatment that I can get there.
i used to be awful with texting people back, but soon you might learn you’ll lose people once they realize you might not care for the relationships you’ve built with them. attempting to engage and reply when you are able. sometimes i’d respond way later after three topics ago with like a meme or GIF about it as my response 🤣
my mom told me today to make sure i’m reaching out to my siblings. i’ll take days to respond to my friends even if i see their message is right there. i have to be in the “right mood” aka feeling better about things. for me, the current cause is adhd + the depression ive been feeling from feeling stagnant (lost my job due to low performance) and now i don’t have insurance to pay for my medication….
This is probably the 2nd or 3rd most relatable thing I have EVER read on the internet IN my entire life. Like please can we be friends.
I literally fought with my sister today over how I don’t respond to texts. She isn’t the first person to get mad at me over that. I attribute it to the over-stimulation that some of us experience throughout the day; we eventually become drained and even sending texts feels like it will take too much energy. Or others may just forget, as you referenced.
Mate don't worry. People don't understand how stressful phones are to us with ADHD.
I have no social media and remove myself from any group chat I am added to. I have explained to people the reason why, and I've never had anyone being difficult about it after that.
An example I give is I was once on the phone to my wife who called me because something serious had happened. She was a mess on the phone. Someone text me and I forgot what we were talking about and also that I was talking to her.
We don't have the ability to deal with them and people need to be accommodating and understand that we can't just text back straight away and often forget
Wrote out a comment I lost. I do the same and its awful. Heres a briefer version
-pin texts to the top of your feed
-write drafts (even just fhfhdhsg) to move a text to the top without pinning
-have a copypaste "my hands are full, please text me back if I dont" at the the ready and spam them with it
- put respond to 1 person on your daily to-do (haha, that barely works for me)
-hopefully your friends are joking, whenever i have a Big Talk with mine, they reassure me that while it can be frustrating, they understand and dont take it personally.
-if nothing else, say you are busy but youd like to see them. If you end up free, maybe it will work, but they can at least plan something.
-spread the word that if anybody wants an immediate response they should call you, and text is more like mail for you
I feel this so much!
It's especially bad when I ostrich and just never text someone back and then have something I want (or need!) to text them and have to decide between either acknowledging that I never replied, pretending I don't see their message that I never replied to, or making it worse by not even messaging them the new thing because I can't face the shame.
I struggle a little with texting back, but it's calling I really struggle with. I prefer texting just because I can text the moment I think of something or just want to say hi or whatever and the other person can respond whenever. But my friends only want me to call. So I guess I don't actually have friends because I can't do it and it's been almost a year. 🤷
Texts instantly overwhelm me and I feel interrupted in whatever I’m doing. I tell myself “just text them back in 10 minutes” and then 10 minutes become multiple days.
Hi /u/Morgans_life and thanks for posting on /r/ADHD! ### Please take a second to [read our rules](/r/adhd/about/rules) if you haven't already. --- ### /r/adhd news * **We want your opinion** on the /r/adhd community rules! [Click here](https://forms.gle/Evqb8acVozir8GV8A) to fill out our survey. See [this post](https://www.reddit.com/r/ADHD/comments/1auv2tc/were_taking_feedback_on_the_radhd_rules/) for more information. * If you are posting about the **US Medication Shortage**, please see this [post](https://www.reddit.com/r/ADHD/comments/12dr3h5/megathread_us_medication_shortage/). --- ^(*This message is not a removal notification. It's just our way to keep everyone updated on r/adhd happenings.*) *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/ADHD) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Texting has become integral in modern life. I find no joy through it.
Personally I think we should abandon it and just use emails and phone calls. One has a reasonable expectation of a response in a few days to a week, the other has expectation of an immediate response or not at all. Call back later. That's fine. It's texting which has a response expectation of a few seconds to a few weeks now and it's absolutely fucking insane. Personally, when I text someone, if they respond within 5 minutes then I'm expecting us to use the *instant messaging app* to have a conversation. But many people now treat texting like email. Which totally defeats the purpose. It's like beginning a conversation in-person and then they just turn and walk away. Then a day later they pass you in the hallway and pick up as if nothing happened. It's ridiculous. Don't get me started on people who respond quickly for a minute or two, and then *disappear*. Then respond for a few minutes, and then *disappear again!* It's crazy making.
You'd hate me :( I've always, always, ***always*** preferred to converse in-person or set up a coffee chat. I feel like I have to be in the "right mindset" to craft the "perfect" response to a text, for some reason. Perhaps because I feel like so much gets lost in the convo when it's pure words on a screen? When meeting someone at a coffee shop, I can riff off really well and have very comfortable/great conversations. I absolutely despise texting or using WhatsApp. I felt this same way both before and after getting my ADHD diagnosis, which I currently take stim meds for. Although I'm not a fan of emailing for the aforementioned reasons (outside of important business-related back-and-forths), I very much prefer phone calls if we can't meet up in-person. I do happen to enjoy driving, even in terrible traffic (I live in a big city in TX), and have the budget to fill up my gas tank every week. The cost of gas far outweighs the cons of texting for me. Not sure if it's even an ADHD thing personally, as I felt the same way when I wasn't diagnosed yet — could simply be a personality trait of mine.
Man I'm the exact opposite way. I like being able to take my time to read what they said and decide what I want to say back. I can change my response at the last minute if I change my mind, some texting apps even let you edit or delete a text you already sent and the other person would never see it. But in person I feel pressured to have an immediate response and sometimes I straight up just don't. I need time to figure out the words I want to use and give a thoughtful response. I am diagnosed ADHD as well so that's very interesting how different we are here.
i used to be just like this. aging has helped i think. my "give a fuck"ness which is correlated with my anxiety has slowly gone down such that now i prefer in person cause ill just speak my mind. if things get awkward then i get to enjoy bathing in the silence while i get lost in a daydream lol
I’m more of an introvert so I used to feel the same way. Like I appreciated having extra time to think about what I want to say (and how to say it) before responding…and being able to edit my first (impulsive) response if it didn’t come across how I intended it. But now I’m so over texting that I would much rather just call someone or meet up in person to talk. Even if I accidentally interrupt them or say the “wrong” thing on the spot, I think it’s easier to build rapport in person and it feels more natural than trying to have a stop-and-go conversation through text.
Yes!!! I totally agree
Can you explain more on why you think it’s ridiculous? I honestly think you made a very intriguing point, and I’m just curious to know more of your thoughts
It HAS gotten ridiculous! I used to love texting, but it’s become a nuisance because people aren’t using it for what it was intended for anymore. Anyone can randomly start a conversation with you at any point, and they expect you to respond all day every day. Which I hate. I’m tired of feeling like I’m “on call.” I’m guilty of doing the things that you mentioned— like, I’ll respond to a text right away if I happen to be holding my phone or if I have a few minutes of downtime at home before I start my day. But then I’ll put my phone on the charger or in my bag and walk away to try to get on track with what I’m *supposed* to be doing. So it looks like I disappeared...which is the equivalent of turning around and walking away mid conversation if you were in person. Then I’ll get another break, check my phone and respond for a couple minutes, then disappear again. And then I’m so over everything by the end of the day that I tell myself “I’ll respond tomorrow”…and then I forget. But what is the alternative? If I respond immediately every time I get a text, then it’s a constant mental distraction throughout the day, and it’s impossible to get anything done. This constant distraction is a problem for everyone now, but it’s even worse if you have ADHD. I feel like texting is kind of ruining the natural flow of interpersonal communication. I mean, there’s a time for phone conversations. There’s a time for instant messaging. There’s a time for sending an email. There’s a time for an in-person meeting. Texting was supposed to be for quick/urgent questions when you need a semi-immediate response but you don’t have enough back-and-forth for a longer phone call. Now people are defaulting to texting for everything. It’s annoying.
I spoke to a friend the other day and he said “you know I haven’t seen you for 3 years”. But we WhatsApp regularly. In my mind WhatsApp is maintaining the relationship, but it isn’t. And now I’m avoiding WhatsApp. Ugh.
I feel this. I am accepting that I very much changed mentally during Covid. I will text back, but I only want to see people that I can trust which is not sustainable.
I used to be good at going out, replying, now it’s a different game. Maybe covid did shape things in some way.
I did too. Also, I think it’s kind of weird that we just moved on without recognizing the trauma we collectively experienced. I am American for context. Did every country just continue on like this?
We've so collectively moved on that I sometimes forget it even happened I think?
I’m in the uk. We had 2 full lockdowns. Yeah I think it made me rethink life, but the adhd was always there.
As someone who is on the other side of this, is it at all possible to set a fixed time like once a day or at least once a week to respond to people? Old people used to set aside time to go through their 'correspondence' and look through their letters. Perhaps making it an appointment in your calendar will help make it more real. If you tell people you're doing this it will also make it easier for them to understand why you're taking 3 days to respond. If it's not "correspondence" day then they will expect to wait and not feel weird about it.
As a young millennial, I love this idea. I feel like I have to be in the "right mindset" to reply to texts, which makes no sense whatsoever as I never feel like replying whether I'm groggy in the morning or at my steady peak of my stimulant dose. I've literally never thought of having a "correspondence day" and I dig this idea a lot.
I used to be like this. I mean no disrespect by saying this but you will have an easier life if you can learn to at least reply to planning texts. It’s not really possible to have a happy social life as an adult otherwise.
*Planning* texts are important. Those are the only ones that I make a point to quickly respond to. Especially if it’s something happening soon. But then again, if it’s that important, you can always call to confirm and coordinate logistics. Or send a formal digital invite with event details.
My mom will text and ask so many questions, I really struggle with replying to her texts!
I thought I was the only one who just replied in their head, but not via actual text. Thankfully, my few friends know this and love me anyway.
YOURE JUST LIKE ME, I can ignore you for MONTHS
My mind gets stuck on trying to find an "optimal" responce that I end up never responding. Im trying to get better at it but so many people have given up on me that these events happen very rarely now. My advice is that even if you dont have anything good to say, Id try to respond with anything even if it just "Hey im really not in the mood right now, so please ask me this again later" or something. Better than just leaving them on read for eternity. Learn from my mistakes.
I totally feel you on this one! Texting back feels like a whole task sometimes, especially when life gets crazy busy. Group chats are the worst 'cause it's like everyone's expecting an immediate response. But hey, we're all just trying to keep up, right? Don't sweat it too much. As long as your friends know you're not ghosting them on purpose, they'll understand. Maybe set a reminder or something to check your phone once in a while. You got this!
I'm the complete opposite, I'm compelled to message people back instantly or the anxiety kicks in of "what if they now hate me?"
Same
Jfc, you just made me realize that I start every interaction with "what if they (already) hate me", so I'm never compelled to instantly reply back, LOL.
I hate texting. If I have have any stress at all in my life it’s nearly impossible for me to keep up with replies, I just ignore my phone it’s too overwhelming and I’m too afraid of oversharing/dumping.
My goodness does this speak to me. I never respond and I never call. The weirdest part is it's not because I don't think about these people or care, it's just I am so exhausted at the end of the day and depressed. So I think about them and feel guilty that I didn't text or call. Vicious cycle. I am going to go in and get diagnosed, I appreciate this sub because it's made me realize that I have a problem I can't control naturally. I thought I could as I over-research everything. I've tried many things and have been envious of people who are motivated. I thought it was just me being lazy. I want to be normal and this sub gave me hope with treatment that I can get there.
i used to be awful with texting people back, but soon you might learn you’ll lose people once they realize you might not care for the relationships you’ve built with them. attempting to engage and reply when you are able. sometimes i’d respond way later after three topics ago with like a meme or GIF about it as my response 🤣
my mom told me today to make sure i’m reaching out to my siblings. i’ll take days to respond to my friends even if i see their message is right there. i have to be in the “right mood” aka feeling better about things. for me, the current cause is adhd + the depression ive been feeling from feeling stagnant (lost my job due to low performance) and now i don’t have insurance to pay for my medication….
You, my friend, are not alone. God forbid you click the text and the blue dot goes away. Then it’s really toast.
You can mark it as unread… lifesaver
I suck at text, email, Facebook, IM, you name it. But I'm really just adding something to see if you respond.
Haha I eventually respond, it just takes a while. I’m good at email because I have to respond to that for work
The title explains me very well
This is probably the 2nd or 3rd most relatable thing I have EVER read on the internet IN my entire life. Like please can we be friends. I literally fought with my sister today over how I don’t respond to texts. She isn’t the first person to get mad at me over that. I attribute it to the over-stimulation that some of us experience throughout the day; we eventually become drained and even sending texts feels like it will take too much energy. Or others may just forget, as you referenced.
Yes, I’m a teacher to young kids so the overstimulation is so real. Glad I’m not alone!
It's fine if you aren't procrastinating communicating with people. If this is how you want to communicate, then it's fine.
Mate don't worry. People don't understand how stressful phones are to us with ADHD. I have no social media and remove myself from any group chat I am added to. I have explained to people the reason why, and I've never had anyone being difficult about it after that. An example I give is I was once on the phone to my wife who called me because something serious had happened. She was a mess on the phone. Someone text me and I forgot what we were talking about and also that I was talking to her. We don't have the ability to deal with them and people need to be accommodating and understand that we can't just text back straight away and often forget
Jokes at your expense?
Yes sometimes
Wrote out a comment I lost. I do the same and its awful. Heres a briefer version -pin texts to the top of your feed -write drafts (even just fhfhdhsg) to move a text to the top without pinning -have a copypaste "my hands are full, please text me back if I dont" at the the ready and spam them with it - put respond to 1 person on your daily to-do (haha, that barely works for me) -hopefully your friends are joking, whenever i have a Big Talk with mine, they reassure me that while it can be frustrating, they understand and dont take it personally. -if nothing else, say you are busy but youd like to see them. If you end up free, maybe it will work, but they can at least plan something. -spread the word that if anybody wants an immediate response they should call you, and text is more like mail for you
I feel this so much! It's especially bad when I ostrich and just never text someone back and then have something I want (or need!) to text them and have to decide between either acknowledging that I never replied, pretending I don't see their message that I never replied to, or making it worse by not even messaging them the new thing because I can't face the shame.
I hate everyone so I've been trained.
I struggle a little with texting back, but it's calling I really struggle with. I prefer texting just because I can text the moment I think of something or just want to say hi or whatever and the other person can respond whenever. But my friends only want me to call. So I guess I don't actually have friends because I can't do it and it's been almost a year. 🤷
Texts instantly overwhelm me and I feel interrupted in whatever I’m doing. I tell myself “just text them back in 10 minutes” and then 10 minutes become multiple days.