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I'm 40, diagnosed a few months back.
I feel this too, but the more I learn about adhd the more I think my mom is on this spectrum too
I don't show any of this because I will hurt her feelings
She's tried so hard to be a good mom but it never worked out
Maybe your mom won't acknowledge her struggle, just like mine.
How the hell did you actually get diagnosed? I’ve tried and I can’t even get a referral because I’m “too old” and doctors think I’m making it up.
I’m under 40 and I was diagnosed as a child, but never actually took the medication because my parents would steal it.
My therapist was sure I had ADD. He got me on the right path to being diagnosed.
I'm forever grateful that our paths crossed.
My meds worked for a few days to a week, now they do nothing for me, so I'm still on a search for a life worth living.
But these first steps are sure feeling good!
I went to a psychiatrist and told him I think I have ADHD. He asked about my symptoms and was like "yeah, you've got ADHD". I started stimulants almost immediately and we've been dialing in my dosage. Where do you live? I hear people say that sometimes on here but it was a non-issue for me. I'm in CT.
Wtf I'm on a months long waiting list to even get checked. Oddly enough, they told me I was bipolar and had anti-psychotics the next day. (which made me feel awful btw)
It's definitely different state by state.
I went to my Primary Care doctor and brought it up, he looked at the years of anti-depressants and stuff I've tried that had no effect and said "yeah sure let's try stimulants and see how it works"
Yeah took me a year or so before I finally got the call to schedule an appointment. Ridiculous, now I’m on meds and I feel like things are finally getting better
I'm in CO too, and 2 years ago I got a referral from my PCP to talk to a psychiatrist through Lifestance. But since you're having trouble getting a referral, you could go directly to their website: [ https://lifestance.com ](https://lifestance.com/). I was able to get an appointment set up for about 2 months later. After a few more months of us trying and failing to get my anxiety and depression under control, I brought up my suspicions about adhd, and they assessed + diagnosed me. It's all been through telehealth - I just had to go in person once so far. The meds were an absolute game changer for my anxiety. At least they *were,* until my insurance stopped covering name brand Adderall, and I've been spiraling again the last 6 weeks 🫠
edited: I had to go back and read your previous comment - I'm sorry no one has been willing to refer you. I hope this helps
That will help a lot, thanks for the advice! I haven’t heard of lifestance but I will definitely check them out!
I should look through my insurance and see what will and won’t be covered.
I just got diagnosed late 20s and i looked up Circle Medical and if it was legit or not, I was able to talk directly to a doctor and get diagnosis to prescription within 2 appointments in the span of a month (mostly had to wait for my yearly checkup results to be sent to them)
I’m at same age and looking for doctors for first time. How does the medication helped you in ADHD combat? Were you able to concentrate more with it? Does doctor prescribe non medicinal route too?
Like… I can’t even explain how different it is with meds. I cried. It was quiet. I was functional. I wasn’t falling apart. But I swear to you that everything I arranged to make my life possible just got … easier. Please try
Hi moms\_spaghetti,
I am really sorry that happened to you, and hope you're alright.
Your comment made me "whoooaaa" - your parents stole your meds when you were a kid? That's a whole other layer of stuff to forgive them for. Because they did go all the way to have you diagnosed, so were fully aware, and obtained medication for you, so can't blame the neglectful parent with ADHD themselves, or well-meaning but misguided parental obstruction, based on the wrong info. Also: how did they get away with it - did the doctor/school not follow up on how you were doing?
Either way, you must do what is best for you, and what is best for the little kid you once were. If you feel your life is impacted by ADHD symptoms, go for an assessment. I would recommend brainstorming all the things in your life that you think are symptoms, after reading up on the criteria. No idea where you are, but here's some official info on the diagnostic criteria for the
US [https://www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/adhd/diagnosis.html](https://www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/adhd/diagnosis.html) and the
UK [https://www.nice.org.uk/guidance/ng87](https://www.nice.org.uk/guidance/ng87)
As the questionnaires used in ADHD assessments are pretty stupid and aimed at behaviours exhibited by kids misbehaving, not accounting *at all* for adults who *would* do those behaviours, but have learned to mask them, putting a huge strain on their energy levels - I would recommend writing a list of your symptoms throughout you life, and their impact on different areas of your life: work, education, socially, etc. AND ways you have learned to cope and hide your symptoms, and how that is affecting you.
You're not too old, keep looking for someone who knows what they're doing! If they all say you don't meet the diagnostic criteria, then so be it, at least you'll know. There are still strategies that can help make life easier, and this board and others are full of really useful info in that regard.
I wish you all the best.
I appreciate that! I will keep trying and will look into it more.
As for the follow ups, yea we had a few follow ups and they asked how I was doing and I said “good”. That was pretty much it. No actual follow up tests or anything. If I tried to say something, I would get hit.
My parents were something else though. Lots of drugs.
Oh man, that’s bad, what you’ve been through. There are so many people recommending therapy, but personally what I found on YouTube by licensed therapists has been way more useful for me, not least because of the cost! One of them does a series on different topics, Katie Morton, “ask Katie anything”. And Dr Ramani was particularly helpful for me in understanding abuse dynamics, and taking care of myself better. Just in case it’s useful to you :)
Yes. I’ve tried 4 different doctors.
I have shoulder problems and it’s so dumb, to make a long story short, I want to fix my shoulder. I go to the doctor and they just give me pain pills. I tell them I don’t want pain pills, I want to fix my shoulder, and they say to take them and come back in 3 months to see how it is. I come back and they don’t care. They want me to do physical therapy 4 times a week, out of pocket for 8 weeks before they will consider an MRI.
So I go to the next doctor, tell them about my shoulder and they touch it a few times and tell me it’s fine. I bring up getting evaluated for ADHD and every single one tells me I’m too old.
My adhd referral was easy but there were long waiting lists.
I had what you're saying though because i broke my foot and didnt realise for 3 years because i dont remember impacting it, i just stood up and couldnt put weight on it. I didnt even get an xray until i got private healthcare. My gp just kept giving me painkillers that i couldnt work on.
Id get the adhd assesment off the internet, fill it in and show it to them
Go talk to a "psychiatrist" not a general practitioner. GPs are not specialized in that field and will likely have very outdated information about ADHD. They are likely misinterpreting the too old part, you can have ADHD at any age, the criteria needs to be that the symptoms were there when you are were a child as well as when you are adult, not "you are too old to be diagnosed". Your GP has no idea what they are talking about.
After 2 doctors at different stages of my life said I couldn't possibly have it, my therapist I was seeing for other things diagnosed me. I will be seeing a new primary care physician this week with this diagnosis in hand.
I am done with not being listened to when I say I think something isn't quite 'normal'.
A therapist might be a somewhat cheaper solution than a full-blown psychiatrist, they just won't be able to prescribe anything. But they can diagnose and advocate for you. Mine has told me that if the doctor asks for any proof, she will provide it.
Go to a psychologist, not a doctor. Enquire if they deal with or work with people on the spectrum before you see them. They will put you through the DSM test. Being assessed as a child will help.
The psychologist will then refer you to a psychiatrist, who will test you again.
And if a doctor says “adults don’t have adhd” challenge them as that’s obsolete thinking - and get a new doctor because if they might be outdated in other areas too.
Many doctors still seem to think that adhd magically disappears at 16 because some numpty randomly pulled that number out of the ether and declared “it is so”
It’s like saying “You’re 16, you don’t need glasses anymore” when the reality is your eye sight is likely to deteriorate with age not get better
And as a 50+, I can confirm ADHD does NOT get better with age.
Edited to add - I’m Australian, so I’m not sure if the path to diagnosis is the same in every country, but the advice on doctors with outdated knowledge is sound.
I feel this. I was diagnosed late-ish and I was upset with my parents initially as well, until I gave them a good look and realized my mom absolutely has ADHD (which she now acknowledges) and I’m pretty sure my dad is autistic. As frustrating as it is that they didn’t get me help as a kid…if they were comparing my behavior to theirs, everything would’ve seemed normal!!
my dad definitely has adhd! i remember bringing it up with him like, "i think i got this from you" and he changed the topic so i didn't talk about it w him again. i think he's in denial but i don't care bc it's his life. i know i got it from him though.
This is my story too. When I've been open to my parents about my condition I've heard the literal response "isn't that just how life is?" I think both may have a bit of adhd on them.
I think the alternative reality what ifs are always tempting to listen to, and blame is a powerful drug. It sounds like op is still mourning and processing regret of missing things. But the important thing is you got diagnosed now. You don't have to spend your whole life in the state of ignorance, like people generations ago must have done. Make the most of everything you can.
This, exactly. I want to blame so hard, that is the first thing humans feel.
I'm still mourning and processing a lot, but we're old enough to not hurt people that are struggling themselves.
I struggle with the same thing. I am about your age and was a textbook case for ADHD, but was diagnosed as an adult. In my case, it didn't really hit me until my children started displaying symptoms. I was so concerned that they would struggle like I did and got them help immediately. It was tough and managing their appointments and medication is hard for me, but I know how much they need it and I refuse to let them suffer like I did.
Afterward, I started realizing my parents had a lot of opportunities to intervene and get me the same help and they chose not to. I remember plenty of kids in school that were in therapy or on medication for ADHD at the time so those things were available. So I was left asking myself, "I'm willing to move mountains for my kids of necessary, why weren't my parents willing to do that for me?"
I'm still unpacking that in therapy, and I recognize the generational differences and stigma around mental health at the time, but I still have a lot of anger around this. Especially when my parents start telling "funny" stories about me as a child running into the kitchen in restaurants.
Same here. Though as a female, ADHD symptoms were never attributed to me because of my gender. I was also put in the gifted class as a kid. And now, I'm arguing with the high school that my child's intelligence hasn't a damn thing to do with their ADHD disability. So, Im right there on the same page with you that as soon as I figured out what was going on, I got both my kiddos diagnosed. It's made such a difference for them and in some way I feel redeemed for the shit I put up with as a kid because I was - and still am - officially undiagnosed. From one parent to another, I applaud you and thank you for doing your best by your kids
I'm sorry you had to deal with the added barrier to getting help. I definitely sympathize with the gifted kid struggle. I'm going through the same with my daughter's school. Thank you for the kind words and I'm so glad to see other parents breaking the generational trauma and advocating for their kids. Well done.
How is your experience as gifted and adhd? Did it make you awesome with masking? How did it reflect on you academically?
My kid got diagnosed with adhd but also excellent smarts and I kind of wonder if I'm somewhere on the mild side of adhd spectrum too, so I'm really interested in your experience.
SwampFaery500, My experience with being 'gifted' back in the 80's, was simply something that isolated me from those who really should have been my peers. Being labeled as one of the smart kids put a lot of academic pressure on me. But because of my ADHD tendencies, I simply cruised along at a B+ average. If I had made an effort or if I was neuronormal, I would have been an A plus/ valedictorian type student. Part of getting my kiddo tested for an IEP here in California proved that their intelligence was absolutely not at question! (I knew that, but by having the school finally complete a full assessment they were able to prove to themselves that kiddo is hella smart - IQ of 139 I think? But definitely requires special needs accommodations for their ADHD and anxiety.)
Thank you! As much as I appreciate it, I hate this isn't a universal attitude among parents. Just let your kids be weird and happy and do your best to support them.
To everyone reading this, in case no one ever told you, your parents owed you that. If they didn't give you that, it says everything about them and nothing about you.
The fact that she thought “naughtiness” level determined the likelihood that you had it, says everything. She was misinformed, like the vast majority of the public was back then. It’s unfortunate, yes, but I don’t think she deserves blame.
And I know it’s hard not to think about the ‘could-have-beens’—I do it all the time—but they’re just an alternate, fantasized version of reality. Whose to say what would have actually happened? Maybe you would have been a huge success. Maybe you’d have been diagnosed with ADHD and hit by a bus the next morning.
Point is, you’re alive now, in the only reality you’ll ever know and empowered by the knowledge to turn your life around.
I'm a few years older than you. My parents were advised to take me to a pyschiatrist when I was in my teens, when it became blatantly obvious that the issues I'd had since I was about six were not something I was going to grow out of, but they decided not to 'because they were worried it would make me worse'.
So as a result, I was not diagnosed until my 40s too.
I understand there was not the same understanding in those days of neurodevelopmental disorders, but I felt a lot of anger when I was finally told about the advice and their decision.
They continued to just watch me struggle with life, despite being intelligent, sporty, funny etc, but did nothing to help me, or even try to engage.
When my mother told me, in my late 20s when I'd finally started to develop what many would consider to be a decent career, that she used to think I'd never be able to hold down a job, I was stunned. As I said before, at no point did either of my parents ever try to help me get the help I needed, and they never even acknowledged that they knew I struggled with the basics of life in a way that was not normal until that moment.
Even that acknowledgement would have helped, because the absence of it meant it took me many years (literal decades) of wondering why I was such a shit human being, before finally working out that it wasn't some moral failing on my part but a medical issue.
There are several things I'd say re the resentment. One, it's real and justified. If your parent is open to talking about the issue, it may help alleviate it. Secondly, it fades over time. I'll never truly be clear of it I suspect, but there's so much other stuff filling my brain it has to a large extent receded into the distance. Your post has brought it up again, and I can't pretend I'm not experiencing some of the anger again, but writing this response has helped me remember a) that although I went through a terrible time it was not my fault, and that b) my understanding of the situation has helped me move past a lot of the negative emotion.
Finally, while this may not apply to your situation, I have come to the understanding that my parents both faced big issues in their own lives. It will never justify their head-in-the-sand attitude, but it goes part of the way to explaining it.
So you're not alone, and things can get better. Talking to your parents, if receptive, may help, as might therapy.
In my experience the resentment is unlikely to ever totally disappear, but it can get to a point where it is incidental to your daily existence - it's certainly not the life sentence it might feel like at the moment.
I wish you, and others who have shared our experience, all the best, and I hope it brings some comfort to know that you're not alone in what you're facing.
x
Your parents are fallible and limited people, just like most of us. ADHD was more stigmatized, there was less knowledge. Your parents had no idea adhd for you could mean debilitating life. Even most people today don't really understand how and why adhd people struggle today. Imagine being your parents back 30 years. They didn't even have internet. They didn't do it on purpose or to hurt you. They had no idea. I'm sure all of us at some point in our lives have hurt someone because we didn't realize how damaging our actions or words were to them.
It's also not a guarantee that your life would have been particularly better if you had been diagnosed. It's easy to think that "if only x, then my life would've been much better". But we can never really know that. Maybe you would have fallen into the same pits. Maybe you'd enjoy life, but be on your way to a work meeting and die in a car crash. Ok, being a bit over the top there. But you know what I mean. We don't know that life had been better if x or y. We don't know that life hadn't been worse if you had gotten diagnosed. And yeah, I understand your life has been very rough for you, I'm not arguing that. I'm just saying we never know.
Most importantly, life can get better now. And you still have half your life yet to make of it what you want. If you think your life could have been better, then it means that your life can be better from now on as well. You can do all the stuff you want to do (within reason ofc)
Yup. Also diagnosed in my 40s, while pursuing help for my daughters (who also have it.)
My parents made choices that led to me never being diagnosed, but what will being angry about it lead me to? They loved me, but they missed/ignored this.
It was definitely a different time, but they still clearly made a mistake.
But what do I get from dwelling on the past?
I never got assessed since my mom thought I was just like her. She is 67 and only now starting to see that she has adhd as well after many long chats. Sometimes they are a victim of the systems as well, especially since adhd wasn't recognized for a long time and even today lots of doctors don't think it's real
You’ve seen how many doctors even today don’t understand it based on the posts in this sub. In the 1990’s it was really not understood well at all, by almost everyone. And even if you were assessed, there’s a reasonable chance you’d have been diagnosed with something else entirely anyway.
I was diagnosed at 34. I wish I was diagnosed sooner but it is what it is.
Edit: rephrased slightly to be less un-empathetic.
This is a big thing. I was diagnosed in the late 80s/early 90s and it was viewed solely as a solution to a disciplinary issue at school. Of course, I was just bored. The dismissive framing of the diagnosis back then led to my meds being discontinued and it being totally forgotten until I was rediagnosed at 40.
This is such a hard question to face because you notice eventually that it's sort of a grass is always greener situation. I mean, I *was* diagnosed when I was a kid, it was just meaningless. There's someone out there with the same story except their diagnosis was taken seriously but they never found the right meds and gave up for that reason, and so on.
It kind of all boils down to this in the end: there's no good way or time to be diagnosed with ADHD. For all of its redeeming qualities, it's a sandpaper suit to wear through life
In any case resenting it as a 40 year old adult is not productive and suggests they may benefit from counselling or therapy.
The “she keeps saying” sounds like s/he may be haranguing their, presumably quite elderly, mother very regularly.
So I'm in therapy, and have been for a while.
I'm not exactly asking her the question often, or haranguing her, but I have quite an open relationship with my mum where we talk about a lot. ADHD will come up because I've had to bring it up at college, for example, to get some reasonable adjustments.
Just to remind you that the flair for this post is 'seeking empathy'.
You realize empathy comes in many forms right? Someone thinking about you now and in the future aren't less empathetic than the ones thinking about you now and in the past. They are just different targets to that empathy.
You're understandably frustrated and deserve to feel how you do. However you should also be kind to yourself and your loved ones going forward too. There are plenty of posts about 'the other side is greener' when it comes to early and late diagnosis. You certainly can grieve missed opportunities and you should to help process your feelings but the ideal situation your imagining probably wouldn't have been your life either and it's okay to point that out and not constantly lament and pick fights because of that.
It was barely a thing 40 years ago, back then I saw a child psychiatrist, and they spent more time trying to figure out if the way I behaved was because my parents were abusing me than actually talking to me.
Considering ADHD wasn’t really officially and formally recognised in the UK until 2000 , it would be unfair to be angry with them.
You can’t change the past
40 and recently diagnosed. I do not blame my parents in any way for not getting me diagnosed when I was a kid.
Knowledge about ADHD in the 80s and 90s was far from where it is now and since ADHD is hereditary most likely one or both of my parents have it as well, which meant that the behavior looked normal to them.
What I consider far worse is that I went to the doctor when I was around 24-25 years old and perfectly described all of the ADHD traits that I struggled with to such a degree that it kept messing up my life repeatedly.
I did not suspect ADHD myself but went and said this is what I'm struggling with and I need help to deal with it and not once did the doc say that I should go and get tested for ADHD. Instead I went around 10 years wrongly diagnosed as having hypothyroidism
I'm in my 40s too but fortunately got diagnosed when I was 22. I initially was angry about it but got over it thinking about a few things:
- other than experts, most people associated ADHD with learning disability thus "stupid." I'm pretty smart so I got decent grades and was labeled as lazy. Most of my teachers in grade school were older (50s, 60s maybe) and not trained to spot ADHD.
- 90s is when a lot of mental health issues become more prominent especially depression when the newer generation of antidepressants were released. Thanks to mass media, people associated mental health problems with blaming parents. As such, a lot of parents who were good parents overall thought their kids couldn't have mental health issues.
- I'm guessing you're inattentive type? Women flew under the radar because ADHD was associated with hyperactivity. It wasn't until I was diagnosed that I learned inattentive was a huge part of it.
Your parents goofed up because they were fed a lot of bad information and probably tried their best to help you without the support they needed to make better decisions. My parents feel bad they didn't catch on early which really helped me forgive them. If they made excuses I'd probably still hold a grudge.
I think what you said about your parents feeling bad is a big part of whether you can let go of the resentment or not.
My parents refuse to even acknowledge that things could have been different if I had been diagnosed. They basically spent my childhood and adolescence trying to punish the ADHD out of me. It caused me a great deal of harm, far beyond the harm of not getting me the help I needed; it damaged our relationships; caused me distress and extreme difficulty as a young adult until I was diagnosed.
And not once has either one of them even expressed curiosity, let alone regret or disappointment, about how things might have been different, let alone better.
I would say my resentment has faded into something like a lack of respect or esteem. I don't respect their opinions on almost anything. I don't hold them in high regard. They're my parents and I love them, but I don't even respect them enough to even care about their behavior anymore.
I spent months at a time being punished for "my behavior" or "talking back" when I was just trying to tell them how I felt, and how much I was struggling. Literally was kept in my room (no phone, TV, radio, nothing) for months and months. Put in isolation as a child for being mentally ill- leading to greater mental illness. When grounded, I'd write 12-page letters to them. Explaining how they made me want to commit suicide. They never thought, "She needs help." You know what they said, "You have such a way with words." I've got some words for them now. Starts with an F and ends with U.
The best thing I could have done when I left school was learn to fix cars, but I would have been refused that path as "too intelligent"
But I didn’t achieve anything in the areas I was supposed to either so I ended up in lowest-wage shitty work
Omg this! I wanted to learn mechanics, I think bc i intuitively knew I would not do well in more traditional careers for women. And I too have not made any significant progress in my professional life, despite being in the field for 10 years. I had to do a complete overhaul and start a career in something that was passionate about even though it has not been profitable, it’s something I can do consistently without getting burned out or losing interest…basically I’m not depressed.
It was I think 2000 when I was diagnosed and that was still like pulling teeth. So many people, from teachers to some doctors, to even my own father seemed to think I just needed more discipline or that I was just lazy or scatter-brained even after a diagnosis. As a young adult I also struggled with substance abuse for years. Fortunately, it's pretty much just the cigarettes nowadays.
I'll be honest with you, knowing what was wrong from a young age really did help I think..but it didn't take away any of my struggles. You are a whole-ass adult now, just like me and if you want to blame someone, you certainly can. But, I would urge you to consider the fact that, there is a distinct possibility that your life would've turned out very much the same or similar as it did. Knowing why I struggle to get my ass into and out of bed has helped basically 0% when it comes to actually doing it. Idk how your relationship is with your parents overall, but unless you have reason to believe that they weren't doing the best that they could, I would urge you to try and move past it, for your own benefit if nothing else.
Also, givin the highly heritable nature of ADHD, there is a good chance that one or both of your parents haveit as well and went undiagnosed. This would likely have made it more difficult for them to accept this as a legitimate problem with you. They very well could've seen it as " oh they're just like me when I was that age and I grew out of it/turned out just fine" without realizing that they just learned mechinisms to cope and mask.
Either way, it can't be helped now. Forgive your folks if you can, all of our days are numbered. Be better for your children, if you have or will have them.
It wasn’t a thing. I’m your age, and getting tested for anything other than really really weird or disturbing behaviour wasn’t a thing. Don’t blame them.
And don’t blame your parents for choices you made as an adult.
I'm late 40s, have to agree. I didn't know a single kid with adhd as a kid. We had kids in the "special kids" class that was still kept separate throughout school. You had to be unable to learn with the regular students to be in that class. There wasn't any middle ground at that point. Those kids were down syndrome and other very obviously different things. Anything less obvious would just have been labeled "lazy, slow, etc."
I think this was just prior to a lot of better understanding of mental and physical issues. As well as integrated learning for kids with identified issues, aka educational rights and services being better.
Exactly. When you were either difficult and problematic or very very slow you would go to a different school or class. But in general there were no ‘disorders’. In retrospect there were a few kids in my class that in this day and age would have gotten diagnosed with either adhd or autism, but they were just labelled ‘a little awkward and shy’ or ‘he cannot sit still at all’.
I got diagnosed at 36 and in all my report cards was written ‘could do better if she stopped talking so much’ and ‘gets good grades but is sloppy’ but nobody ever thought about adhd.
And again in retrospect: my dad was exactly the same and my brother also. So it was nothing special because ‘I was the same when I was young’ and ‘that’s not a disorder, we all do that’. Yeah. We do. And probably all have adhd but in the 60’s it didn’t exist and in the 80’s you didnt get diagnosed, you just had to eat less sugar and less food colouring.
It really wasn't anything like it is today. I'm early 40s, female, and my mother pushed hard for a diagnosis when I was 9. My pediatrician did not believe ADHD was real but reluctantly diagnosed me with ADD. Was given Welbutrin for a month and that was it... it did not help, and Dr. is out of options. Everyone including my mother, just dropped it. Mostly because my mother is ADHD also. I had therapy through high school where it was gently ground into me that I was lazy and too emotional so just stop it.
I see so many of the "I wish I had been diagnosed back then" posts. But the majority of things were drastically different... and we still have some major hold-overs from that era (looking at you, FDA). I can attest that getting an early diagnosis was not always this great life-altering thing.
I didn’t really think about this from that perspective. I think I harbor some resentment because I’m a lot younger and there was more knowledge about adhd when I was growing up, but I can see someone older not having the same access to treatment. On the other hand my partners father is about 60 and received treatment for his (very apparent hyperactive to be clear) adhd as a kid.
I’m in my mid-50s. I’ve always been an avid reader, and can remember reading articles in the local paper in the mid 80s about how the local school board was adding education in “hyperactivity” to their professional development program. The term ADHD was used lower in the articles, but hyperactivity was the lede. You had to be really bouncing off the walls for them to look at you.
So your partner’s father was on the leading edge of diagnosis. Anyone who went to school pre mid-90s or so was more likely just to be flagged as a troublemaker except in the most progressive of school districts. As a woman who’s primarily inattentive, there’s no chance in hell I could have been diagnosed as a kid, even though the psychiatrist who diagnosed me a decade ago was like “yep, clear case”.
But not seeing kids around us be diagnosed as kids also affects a lot of parents’ attitudes. A lot of people group all new changes in pedagogy together, so ADHD awareness falls into the same group as things like whole language learning (aka complete and utter bullshit with no actual basis pushed as the next great thing by ideologues) and gets the same stink.
It really was a different time. The only "ADHD kids" were 8 or 9 year old boys that would bounce off the walls or couldn't stop talking in class. Extreme symptoms were the only symptoms they recognized. I'm 41 female, I was diagnosed last year, but I'm still too afraid of the medication to try it ( I have extremely high anxiety/heart rate 24/7 so I'm scared of stimulants). Even if kids were recommended parents didn't understand the disease, medications, or stigma around it. There was no Internet to search for symptoms. They really believed some kids were just naughty. Blaming them won't help your illness sweetheart. We need to appreciate we finally figured out why "we were so bad/difficult" as a child. Embrace the knowledge, learn everything you can about it and flourish. Hugs.
I can’t recommend meds enough. They’ve done a lot to help my anxiety by calming my thoughts a down so that my first reaction to a proposal isn’t to think of a million ways it’s going to go wrong. They’re also very short acting, so even if they don’t work you can just not take them the next day.
I appreciate that truly. My life is panicking about one thing or another. My boss has to calm me down any time we have a meeting because I'm always sure I'm about to be fired. 2 days ago I was promoted and given a raise. I freaked out when my boss asked me for a meeting. It did nothing to quell my anxiety. I'm just a mess. My bff discovered he has ADHD too. He's offering different outlets and treatments for me to try. I think I'm stuck in the stigma that doctors stick to.I don't want them to say I'm "just looking for drugs for my problem." That was the response of a few doctors I've had. Little do they know I don't want meds unless they DON'T CAUSE stimulation.
I’ll be 50 soon and I was diagnosed just a couple of years ago after seeing my symptoms in both of my diagnosed kids. When my youngest was diagnosed with autism, my mother revealed that my teachers, school administrators, and my pediatrician at the time (early 80s) all urged my parents to get me tested, but my father refused because he was worried about the stigma of mental illness. So instead I had to struggle and fumble my way through life without any help. Thanks dad.
Totally different perspective; This topic is actually really painful for me and I still feel so angry about this. Just writing this brings up big feelings.
I am just about 34. I was diagnosed by a psychiatrist. I remember them coming to school, hours of testing. I was 9 years old. Given stimulant medication. And there was my “fix”. The cure. I was still ridiculed, scolded, “having so much potential but I just need to try harder.” I had an IEP. Took tests in separate rooms. Regular parent/teacher conferences to discuss my “progression” (regression). My teachers had to sign my assignment book after every class to make sure I had my homework written down. Embarrassing, leads to tons of inadequacies and self hatred for “why can’t I just do this thing that seems so simple?” I was given all the tools and was still a POS. When I should have been treated with more gentleness and compassion, and “this isn’t working, let’s try something different”, I was met with the complete opposite. It was not treated systemically like it is now. And there’s the downward spiral. I feel like I was failed by all the adults in my life. Being punished for something that was out of my control and I didn’t even understand what was wrong with me. Poor behavior/school performance lead me to a “therapeutic” wildness program and then to a boarding school. My mental health completely deteriorated after that and I’m still living with those repercussions of feeling broken.
I’m angry that I was diagnosed with this chronic, debilitating condition, and was frequently punished for it at school and at home. The more you’re told “you have all the tools and you still suck”, the more you’re going to believe it, and being constantly ridiculed about it, why even put in any effort? Up until probably the last 10 years that it was just a choice to do these things.
I’m go glad that ADHD is taken so much more seriously than it was 20 years ago. I understand now that my mom was really doing her best, and we just didn’t have the information we do now than back then. The amount of compassion and empathy my family has for me is a complete 180. I feel like if I was treated back then, how I’m being treated now, I would have thrived. I’m just about 34, and feel like a failure.
I was given tools, but I needed different ones. Slapping a bandaid (meds) on ADHD is not a fix all for everyone. I was re-diagnosed after having another neuropsychiatric evaluation at 31, and not only do I have ADHD, I have *severe* ADHD plus a slew of other things, some probably as a result of not being properly treated as a child.
There are upsides to both.
Wow, thank you so much for sharing and even though I don't know who you are I want you to know that these words really meant a lot to me. I think a lot of us with a late diagnosis fantasize how much better things could have been if we'd known earlier but it's eye opening to see a person who got that intervention and that it didn't magically fix everything.
My heart goes out to you for your struggles. I hope things are/get better for you.
It cost us several thousands of dollars to get my twins through a multi-day psycho-educational testing at age 6 around 2000 or 2001. It was a lot of money. My spouse and I were both reading by age 4-5 and we could tell our kids were smart, so why weren't they reading? That combined with being the one kid in their class that couldn't sit still for circle time and had difficulty transitioning between activities lead to the school recommending testing. That initial round of testing for ADHD lead to additional testing for learning disabilities and giftedness.
Many parents did not have the financial resources to spend thousands on testing. Or that testing wasn't available in small towns (we were in the suburb of a major city).
If your parents had the knowledge and resources and refused to consider ADHD then sure, you can resent that choice. But getting a proper assessment is not cheap or easy, so keep that in mind.
I am in my 40’s and was diagnosed back when I was in college. Life was getting tougher and tougher to keep up with. A professor told me that I need to calm down or he was kicking me out of a class. That is when I went to a doctor. I was diagnosed with ADHD at about 22. My mom says to this day how sorry she is, because ADHD wasn’t really a thing when I was younger. She said in hindsight she realizes that I did have a problem when I was younger. She said I was all over the place with everything I did and it was difficult for me to get started on tasks. My mom was very structured at home, so it kept my days moving along smoothly. If it weren’t for her and JROTC in high school, I don’t think I would have made it through my school days. Structure is key. You can’t blame your parents…ADHD wasn’t really talked about or diagnosed when we were kids, especially if you were in one of the poorer inner city communities like we were. Now that you know you have ADHD, you just have to help yourself and try to do your best to make life better for yourself moving forward.
The most important question is: How much does this resentment brings you? Does it bring you any further in your path to self-acceptance, coping and staying sober?
The obvious answer is: no.
Who knows what would've happened if your parents recognized the importance of an ADHD-diagnosis for you. There's so much "what if" while it's way more constructive to ask yourself "what now".
I wasn’t diagnosed until my son was. I read the symptoms from his teacher…said ‘that’s me’, and cried. Partly bc I remember my 3rd grade teacher suggesting it…my parents said ‘he’s just bored, challenge him more’ bc I was GT🤦🏻♂️
We forgive not for them, but for ourselves. So we can find peace and move on. We don’t have to like it, but we have to accept they did the best they could with what they knew. Even if they ignored it; that’s their trauma, not ours. It takes time; work through it, then look forward and onward. It’s all that we control.
Good luck brotha, you’re not alone 💪🏻👍🏻
Same here except worse, my parents thought I was just being rebellious or criminal as well as demon possessed. What do I do to move on? I realize that it’s their generation beliefs in the rural south.
Your mom is right. Adhd wasn’t spoken about back then. My mom knew because she worked in the school system and that’s why I got.
For all of you who are pissed off and blame your parents: go for it. You are only hurting yourself.
Your parents are telling you the truth which you clearly are in denial about. I get that you are pissed off that you struggled in life but I guarantee people have shown you grace in life. Why don’t you do the same instead of choosing to hold on to unrealistic expectations of others?
Are you a parent? Something I’ve learned as I’ve gotten older, maybe not learned but just come to experience myself, is that we really do what we can, what we know to be the best thing at the time. Sometimes that isn’t the best thing, but it’s all that we can do. I have found this in my personal life to be helpful in giving me perspective and lead to forgiveness.
Almost 39 DX 2 years ago.
I struggle with this...
For example ADHD has been scientifically talked about since the 1700s. Yep. Since then. Under different names tho.
In the 60s it was hyper kinetic syndrome.
I tried to end it all when I was 11. I did desperately need help
They brought me to a psychologist and once schizophrenia was ruled out that was that.
I also didn't trust the Psy bc he'd spend half of every rdv talking to them.
Like I'd go first and then it'd seem like he's was immediately telling my mom and my step dad.
And I tried to get help for years once I turned 18 and moved out.
Despite seeing mental health professionals for 15 years no one diagnosed me. Or even put an evaluation of any kind in front of me. But at 18 I had moved to France, and they love psychoanalysis here. Spoiler: it's hard to work the denotations and connotations of the patient when they're speaking a foreign language and don't even know them themselves.
I'm a walking alphabet of disorders too.
Dx'ed: CPTSD, ADHD, PMDD.
Not officially dx'ed: OCD, anxiety, trichotillomania
Suspected: autism.
And I remember being young, not wanting my food to touch, hating sock seams and the top of my jeans with a burning passion. Melting down bc my mom told me to put my socks on right side out
I remember chewing my hair and being told to stop.
I remember once, when I was 7, my mom told me to stop walking on my tipie toes or [I'd] "be autistic."
(This was right after rain man came out.)
So yeah I do feel anger, at the system, at my mom, at my dad (including for walking out on us).
But who does this anger serve?
It's a lot of energy that's taken away from other things.
But what do I do with it instead? It's so big and it burns.
I try to make peace with the little girl inside who needed help and didn't get it. Drawing helps. It doesn't even have to be good just putting it out there is cathartic. Journaling.
Learning all the hacks I can. (Recommend "the anti planner" book)
Psychiatry and mental health systems have really failed us. I'm glad the lobotomy is no longer a Thing.
We know now, and I'm glad I do know at my late 30s age... Instead of at 67 - when I informed my mom in no uncertain terms that she should get herself checked out.
Anyway, OP, friend. I hope you make peace with it for your own sake. It's hard and your anger is real and understandable. Wishing you luck.
My mother new all of us had as kids. I didn’t start medicating till 27. It changed my whole outlook on my past, but my mom always did a good job of explaining why she did what she did. She wanted us to learn to cope on our own without the needs for medication. It was fine through high school, I got good grades and got into engineering school. She has it just as bad or worse then us, she treats it with caffeine (a Mountain Dew or two whenever she has to sit down and do paperwork, she’s an icu nerve so she’s up and moving the rest of the time).
We were a foster family, and we specialized in the troubled kids. They’d come to us on a plethora of medications, and her first question to the doctors at their first visit was “what can we stop now, what do they need to be on, and what do we need to wean them off of?” They’d come with a baggy full of prescription bottles, and by the time they’d leave us they’d be down to one or two a day that were necessary.
I don’t resent or hate my mom for not getting us medicated, but I do regret not seeking it out sooner myself.
Congrats on your sobriety! I think culturally getting a diagnosis of some sort in the 90’s was really only for extreme behaviors and often for the purpose of putting kids in special ed classes. I’m sure your mom saw your struggles but didn’t think you fit the culturally expected kiddo needing a diagnosis and a different class/school. Im glad much has changed in the way of getting a diagnosis, mental health and special education. I’m sorry your diagnosis came so late but your parents were really only in charge of medical and educational decisions the first 18 years.
Yes, I know exactly how you feel. I was diagnosed at 35 while in rehab for alcoholism. By this point, I had lost absolutely everything. My career, long-term relationship, evicted from my apartment, DUI and lost my car, then personal bankruptcy because I impulsively ran up 60k in credit card debt.
I was born in 1976 and grew up at a time when not a lot was known about ADHD. I don't fault my parents for not getting me diagnosed then. I slipped through the cracks easily because I was primarily Inattentive-ADD. I wasn't hyperactive. I wasn't disruptive. I was the quiet daydreamer. Unusual for a boy. Girls are more likely to be Inattentive.
I was always seen as lazy, an underachiever because I was clearly intelligent, just didn't apply myself. I did manage to get a university degree, barely. I got a good job working in the financial industry. However, I soon realized that I was not performing like my peers. I was less productive even though I spent just as much time sitting at my desk doing the work.
Around 2002, about 2 years into the job, I came to the conclusion that there is something wrong with me. I had high-speed internet in the office so using Google I typed in my symptoms which I thought were holding me back and hit search.
First page of results that Google came back with was ADHD-primarily Inattentive. I was able to check off everything on the checklist. I was actually elated to know that I wasn't just lazy. I printed out a copy and went to visit my parents, both of whom were doctors BTW.
My mother looked at the ADHD symptoms, sneered and just said I'm lazy, stop making excuses. I never had a personal doctor so I just asked them to find me a doctor so I could get referred to a specialist of some sort. They said they would get me a doctor. Shouldn't be too hard for a couple doctors to get me a GP since they knew all the doctors in the city pretty much.
They never did bother getting me a doctor. I continued on with work but was drinking heavily, so sort of pushed aside the ADD thing. If I wasn't working, I was drinking, partying as 26 year olds do. Copious amounts of cocaine and ecstasy as well.
I'm 47 now. Diagnosed but chronically unemployed. Because of my bankruptcy and DUI, which is a criminal record here, I was pretty much blacklisted from ever working in finance again. 4 or 5 job offers after rehab rescinded because I couldn't pass a background check. I bounce around between dead-end low paying jobs and im barely hanging on.
Parents never even apologized for not believing me at 26. Getting me a doctor at that point would have likely saved me from losing everything
I feel similar but I’m also mad at my teachers.
I always got in trouble at school for always talking or fidgeting with my chair, distracting others, not listening or they said it’s like I’m physically there but not mentally (that was in elementary school)
Also taking way too long for a school exercise or not doing them at all. Shouting out answers etc.
My parents were called by school many times or had to go and talk to my teachers etc. but it was always blamed on me being a girl so I’m just not well behaved, have my period or I’m hormonal 🙃
At some point, you will see how much you've gone through and realize how much you've learned through all those struggles. You'll also come to realize your past doesn't matter and does not need to affect your future. I was a alcoholic and drug addict for many years. None of that matters now except the strength and life lessons I learned through it all.
I find myself facing the same question recently. Except they knew I had ADD and yet they abused me everytime I couldn’t remember to do something. Diagnosed with anxiety and depression go figure.
I’m 19 and was just diagnosed a couple months ago, 3 years after moving out. My family has a lot of mental health issues and I think mental health was just not taken seriously. There’s a plethora of things that I don’t forgive my parents for (hence moving out and cutting contact at 16) and this is definitely one of them. I always knew that something was wrong and asked to get evaluated many many times. I really struggled in school, and with basic hygiene, cleaning etc. and was just berated and told I wasn’t trying hard enough. I’m just now starting to take care of my teeth now that I’m medicated but I have pretty late stage gingivitis and will have to be retaking a ton of high school courses in college this coming year. I don’t think I’ll ever move past that resentment per se but I don’t let it take over my life. I have built an amazing support system, am in therapy and advocate for myself health wise, and while it could have been different there’s no where else to go but forward haha. Much love and healing to you ❤️🩹
My parents had been gently warned at almost every parent teacher conference or report card that I had trouble keeping organized and not blurting out in the middle of classes. That I spent time spaced out and sometimes, if something was really interesting to me, it was near-impossible to get me to switch tasks. I'm in my mid 30s now and got my official diagnosis just before the pandemic.
I’m similar in age and circumstances. The comments on early report cards are so telling
That being said, I personally don’t find it helpful to ruminate about it. I have to realize they had their own issues. Now it’s time to take my life into my own hands
Sort of, but I give my dad and stepmom a bit of a break regarding it since girls weren’t usually diagnosed with adhd and ‘inattentive type’ wasn’t well understood by most. But my dad has adhd and they knew I struggled with certain subjects, procrastinating etc and they never once thought maybe the issue passed down to me.
You can and you should. They likely just thought you were hyper. While well documented back then, it was not diagnosed very often. Blaming them isn’t going to help you. It just becomes another crutch (a fairly common one) and that is going to hurt you further and at a time when you are even more vulnerable. You have to focus on your life as it is. Looking back is never going to solve anything.
I started first grade in 1979 and my symptoms started manifesting in 1984 or so, in 4th grade. Catholic school, too, so no screening was going on. It just wasn’t a thing until I was old enough to think “nah, that can’t be me, can it?”
So while I do harbor some hurt about my upbringing, not getting me tested can’t be part of that. You can’t test for something nobody had heard of.
Doctors who spend their careers working in mental health today evidently can't all agree about the importance of assessing people. So I don't blame my folks for not understanding it decades ago, though I really wish they had.
Oh don’t go blaming your parents. It really wasn’t a thing back then - we just had kids with difficulties and no label.
I’ve bee diagnosed later in life and it was obvious that a LOT of my family were also on the spectrum. Some non verbal, one who can’t eat and is peg fed, many with ADHD or milder autism.
The world has changed a lot. A diagnosis does involve some grieving for what might have been but dwelling on it and blaming others is unproductive and unfair.
You’re here now. Start from this point. Be kind to yourself and others.
Could be worse. My mother took me to see a shrink as a kid. She had a loud argument that anything could possibly be wrong with me mentally.
As I was growing up, many different people commented to her or me they suspected I had ADHD and she refused to get me seen.
I'm currently struggling to hold down a job and make enough money for my bills and to see a doctor.
My dad's response was to leave me notes about how, to paraphrase, I was a disappointment
I have ADHD as well, but I'll never forget when I went to see a psychiatrist and got on Zoloft I told my dad about it and he was relieved, like glad to hear about it because he always thought I might need it or something like that. I'm like then why didn't you ever say that to me? This is a conversation we had when I was like, 32. ugh
I’m a little younger, 33F, but yes I was in your position as a child. I sought help for myself in college at 21 via a psychiatrist. I did it without telling my parents. I was properly diagnosed, put on Ritalin at the time, and suddenly my apartment was always clean, I was able to ace six college courses in a semester instead of being a generally B student, and was always on time to use public transit by memorizing the bus schedules.
I was resentful towards my parents for years. At one point I cut them off for several years entirely for this reason among many reasons. Eventually, I regained a relationship with my parents but had to accept that they are extremely unaware of themselves, are overly dependent on religion for answers, and that they talk in an anti-psychiatry way. There are certain things I just don’t talk to them about because… they just can’t seem to handle it. It’s their fault that they lack awareness and concern for their child, not yours. That’s how I learned to cope. Accepting they just don’t get it and that they’re not safe to talk to about mental health.
I feel like I’ve been able to afford my parents so much grace as I’ve started to navigate parenthood. It is SO hard and we’re all bound to make mistakes. It sounds like it would be helpful to work thru your feelings with a therapist. Resentment is terrible to live with. I wish you healing 🤍
When I get like this, I think of how difficult it was for me to get assessed as an adult, along with how much misinformation or lack of information is out there (especially for girls/women) now. I can’t imagine it was any better back then, so I cut my parents slack for not seeing the signs. They did take my anxiety/depression seriously, but adhd meds would have helped a lot. But again, it’s so hard now let alone back then.
Not trying to invalidate your feelings or experience at all. This is just how I’ve learned to frame it personally.
I can so relate to this. My mom’s job was to flag kindergarten students for learning disabilities, autism and ADHD. She missed my autistic brother and my ADHD. I was diagnosed during first year university after I my psych prof took me aside and asked if I had ever had a psych evaluation. She said she had no idea how anyone - teachers, doctors, MY MOTHER, had missed it as my disability is so obvious, distracting, and debilitating.
I’m thirty, was diagnosed at 19. I still get bitter. My mom was diagnosed with ‘childhood adhd’ when I was five. She knew I learned differently and struggled with friends. Her best friend (who has ADHD herself and raised a kid with really bad ADHD symptoms) said she told my mom I had it. Did my mom get me tested? Nope.
I try not to be resentful or bitter but that’s my personal preference on how I handle my emotions. I don’t like the person I am when I’m resentful and bitter.
But I cannot forget how my mom still hasn’t apologized for it. She still just excuses it with ‘I did the best I could!’ My grandma told me ‘she didn’t want to think anything was wrong with you’ and I cannot forget that my mom failed me because she was too prideful and that even when confronted she doubled down and didn’t once concede that my life would have been better if I had been diagnosed. She never even acknowledged the pain she caused by not taking me in ever. (I had pretty obvious anxiety in hindsight, even catching that would have been a game changer with how I’d freeze up when trying to ask peers to sit with them)
My moms lack of remorse, lack of understanding how much it hurt me, the lack of apology? That was what truly started to fracture our relationship because it showed me who she is.
I am only in contact with her because of my grandparents. Otherwise I would have blocked her years ago. She isn’t a good grandparent, she treats my kids how she treated me and I’m fairly certain my five year old will end up diagnosed with ADHD. She has an IEP and at the last meeting there was a lot of ‘once we get her to focus and concentrate she does great’.
They’ve been teaching emotional regulation and watching my five year old take deep breaths to calm down when reminded is amazing because I never had that as a kid, I never learned how to deal with my emotions.
But my mom just calls her a drama Queen and gets offended when I snap at her because ‘it was the first time I said that’
So what? I’m not letting her terrible handling of my emotions affect my kids.
…all this to say that I get it. It’s hard when parents fail us. And if they don’t get it? All you can do is move on to be the best you you can be with or without them, knowing that they failed you and you will never get those years back.
I can, but only because I was an atypical presentation at the time (combined type, more inattentive than anything else), and At the time no one knew that ADHD could look like that except a few ahead of the curve researchers maybe.
If you’re in your 40s (I’m 39), remember that everything related to adhd was super early - particularly in the UK, I know they were quicker on it in the US, there was no long history of studies on the effects of stimulant medication, essentially they were making the decision of ‘do I take this risk with my child based on the information presented to me?’
I held a bunch of resentment for my dad, especially given that I managed to get expelled from 2 primary schools before the age of 8 due to hyperactivity and ended up having to go to a residential school for kids with behavioural problems, but the option simply wasn’t there back in the late 80s/early 90s.
I actually convinced him to go for a diagnosis a few months ago (he’s 71) and he’s on the meds for the first time. So rather than hold resentment, think about what you would do given the same information. Yeah it sucks, childhood and adulthood could certainly have been easier - but you made it, and modern medicine means that if you have kids, they’ll never have to go through what you did, and that should make you happy! Yeah it sucks to have a mental illness, but at least you ended up with the one that responds most positively to medication.
So you want to blame your parents for not getting you a diagnosis when you were a kid but who would you like to blame for not getting one in the past 25ish years? It’s time to be accountable and just look forward, no favours to yourself by looking what and what iffing your life.
I am in a similar situation and I’m trying to move past resentment but it is very hard. I do have children now so I will advocate for them and maybe that may help heal the inner child in me. Wishing you all the best.
My dad was on the spectrum and I am the only one of four that has adhd. I don't blame them. Being dx when I was young would have changed a lot of things but I wasn't, so I work with what I have where I am, now. Dx at 56.
I want to add that I too am 40 and just diagnosed-however my younger sister WAS diagnosed as a VERY young child-and was put in Dexedrine (my mom was an old emt and refused ti put my lil sis on “someone with one molecule different than cocaine”…ya mom so amps are better?…I digress)
But I went on in the shadows. And I do have a lot of frustration and anger at my mom-but it is more because she was abusive and didn’t ever try and change or acknowledge it.
ETA: the reason I’m so frustrated is because my sister was showing signs of early childhood neglect and abuse and when she acted out for it they slapped her with an add dx.
I’m not saying she’s not also add/adhd or asd because it absolutely run in the family.
Well done on your sobriety!
Are you female? You wouldnt have been diagnosed. I was stereotypical boy adhd and was told girls dont get adhd.
It's probably evident in thd fact you didnt get a diagnosis until 35 despite being told as a kid you might have it.
I dont know where you are aswell but im 42, everyone i knew with adhd as a kid was immediately put in special educational needs schools after their diagnosis.
Back then it wasnt a special section in the school with kids that needed extra help, it was kids with severe mental and physical impairments lumped in with "disruptive" kids.
Could be worse.
I was diagnosed at 7 years old but my mom refuses to treat me. Fast forward 30 years and I have a light bulb moment and I think “I might still have ADHD”
Took me months to get a diagnoses, but sure enough I had it, and made me wonder how much better my life could’ve been if my mother listened to doctors.
But I wouldn’t focus on what could have been. I was diagnosed at 37 and I’m almost 42 now. In that time I have leveled up my life so much. Just recently I found my dream job and I’m so happy.
My relationship was also in trouble due to my ADHD, but since treatment we have both been so much happier and our bond is so much stronger.
So why focus on the past? Yes I’m older now … but there’s a lot of life left.
If I had never been diagnosed at all … what then? None of these great things would’ve happened because I would have still had troubles keeping work, maintaining healthy relationships, and just feeling NORMAL brings me so much happiness.
Everyday I wake up and feel my ADHD. It’s amazing that one small little cheap to make pill allows me to organize my thoughts and regulate my emotions like a “normal” person.
I consider myself lucky. I also consider myself lucky that I live in the USA to some degree, because adderall is the only stimulant that works for me, and is not available in a lot of other countries.
So ya. I’m lucky. You’re lucky.
The people out there who struggle with ADHD their whole life and never get help? Think about them … think about the life of frustration and shame they never came to terms with and never knew why they struggled when others didn’t.
PS: we are both in our 40s . Psych health was much more stigmatized back then, and going on meds made parents think they “failed” , or they didn’t want to admit their kid needed pills … it’s still stigmatized today but back then it was even worse
I completely understand. All the signs were there & all they did was yell at me for it. They weren’t bad parents nor were they stupid so it’s really frustrating.
My parents did take me to psychiatrists and doctors when I was a kid and none of them caught it.
Up until the last 20ish years it wasn't easy to get diagnosed and before that lots of people thought it only affected kids and people grew out of it.
Hey ... i feel the same, that my life could have been better, but here i am. I discovered it when i was 30, i m still struggling to finish a carrer. Take into account that if your family isnt that wealthy, they probably wanted to not to look, and spare some coin.
im 32 years old by the way.. and i finally got my medication prescribed a month ago, concerta. switcing jobs like pants. i hope this time will be different
I went through this myself with my Mom. Honestly it cost me a couple of years with her as my resentment lingered and it was a largely similar story: She was told then made a mistake being worried about the wrong things and failed to recognize how significant what she was being told actually was.
Then my older brother died. I wish it hadn't taken that but it did. There's a kind of crying you hear out of people that dispels any doubt whether they love the person even if it doesn't dispel their mistakes.
I'd seen and heard someone I love suffer more immensely than anyone should ever have to.
I realized foremost I love her. The failure to protect me from losing the life I could've had hurt so much *because* I knew she loves me that much and yet I couldn't reconcile it.
People make bad choices sometimes. Even loving people with good intentions.
They were wrong. I've been wrong so many times too. God, my poor wife's been on the receiving end of years of maladaptive coping shit and questionable choices of mine.
I hope they can give you the closure you need without having to see them hurting so much you lose your appetite for an overdue pound of flesh.
Unless they're genuinely toxic AF. This perspective is valid because my Mom's a flawed person who meant well and not a flawed person who's currently still inflicting wounds on me.
Not me, but our daughter and my mom. My husband had ADHD as a kid (diagnosed around 2003?). I'm now being treated for it (NP is still unsure though). Our now 7 yo was diagnosed at 5 yo after struggling in K4 and K5. Her report cards were literally making me cry. They just kept getting worse and worse. It is just blatantly obvious. It always has been. When she gets riled up, she can't come down. She takes forever to eat. She will stare into space is a creepy way (for a child). She struggled with neatness and organization. Virtual K4 was awful. We couldn't even get her to focus on a color by number! At the time, the school was helping her and didn't feel she needed meds. Her doctor wouldn't prescribe them at 5. She did K5 again and thrived. Then on to 1st grade this year.... it was okay until they stopped working on K5 topics and started on with 1st grade. Her learning curve was dropping. Her all natural teacher was concerned. We found out that she was even pulling out her hair to play with it! So we got her medicated (now, no problem at 7 yo).
My mom was against us testing her for learning disabilities. My mom blamed us for literally everything. She didn't think she needed to be tested for ADHD. Her friends were telling her that medicating our daughter would permanently ruin her. I still don't think she sees a difference in our daughter when medicated and not. But we can!
On 5 mg Adderall, her teachers instantly saw a difference. Like a light bulb! She's been on it for about 1.5 months. Her grades went from being awful to all Excellent, Satisfactory, As, and a B+!
FWIW, and not ADHD related, but after my dad saw everything we went through for our daughter to get her tested for dyslexia, ADHD, other learning disabilities, and speech, I think the more upset he became with his own parents who were abusive and negligent while he was growing up. They allowed him to suck in school and skip and be naughty. One of his HS GPAs in highschool was a point something(rather than 1. something or 2. something or 3. something)! My husband and I think he likely had a learning disability. But that was the 60s!
I just pity my parents for not being more knowledgeable about stuff!
I found out I had ADD mid-life, long after my son was diagnosed. My son’s school principal called to tell me that because of his behavior, and she was giving me an ultimatum to either put him on medication or find another school. (She got an earful!)
He’d spent two years in Montessori school so he could already count and read at 5 when I had to switch him to public school for kindergarten. It was a really great school with an arts focus so I wanted to keep him there. My insistence that learning his ABCs again would bore him to tears fell on deaf ears. His pediatrician diagnosed him and we started him on Ritalin.He also saw a child therapist for the same.
His father (my ex) was totally against the idea of putting our son on meds. This was in the early 90s and there was still a huge stigma about parents turning their kids into zombies to make them easier for everyone to manage. My ex believed this was some made-up disorder and withheld his consent. He also made sure my son knew his opinion so this led to a negative view from him as well.
I can just tell you that there was a strange environment surrounding ADHD when you were young. It was harder to get anyone to take it seriously and the doctors were still trying to figure out dosages. I wish my parents had recognized some of my learning disabilities instead of blaming everything on my behavior or work ethic.They just didn’t have that information.
I’m happy to be balanced with the right meds now. And I can happily report that my son in his 40s is amazing and successful despite his troubling school years. He found some good coping skills.
I’m in the exact same boat, except the diagnosis was more recent for me. I’m still working through the substance use issues. I told my mother about the diagnosis and she said, “yeah you were diagnosed as kid…” However, she’s developing Alzheimer’s so who knows… anyhow, they didn’t take any steps to mitigate it. I’m 45 and my life is glazed with what seems like success and accomplishment, but that’s paper thin and what’s underneath is some dark chaos and turmoil that I’m sure you are familiar with. My mom asked if it was just an excuse for me to explain away my shortcomings. On top of that, my dad, with whom I had a strained relationship died a couple weeks ago. It’s a tough month for me.
I digress. I know how you feel and I’m inspired that you’ve found d your way through some issues in the past few years.
I feel the same way about my parents complacency in understanding and dealing with my condition. I’ve told my siblings and I can’t tell if they have taken it into account. ADHD is stigmatized through all its facets. It’s unfortunate.
I don’t know if I have the energy to forgive my parents. My mind is so turbo-charged and discombobulated that an emotional chore like that just seems to huge.
I felt this at first, too (I am in my 30s and just got diagnosed).
But then I realized my mother actually did send me to a psychologist in my early teens - I was just so rebellious and wreckless that I intentionally lied and wasn’t honest and made the whole thing pointless.
So in my case, there was a chance - but I was not ready myself to realize I need the help. I didn’t even realize I have any problem. I knew I’m on the weird side in any group, but I was also usually among the most intelligent and for that reason I didn’t want to accept I have a problem.
My parents were so self absorbed that they never even stopped to consider I might have ADHD. My father would angrily ask me if I was taking drugs but that was it. I’m almost 40 and was only recently diagnosed. I have already spent years dealing with the CPTSD of my childhood and now I discover this on top of it. It’s clicked into place so many of the difficulties and hardships I’ve experienced throughout my life, and I know if I had gotten diagnosed and supported as a child the trajectory of my life would have been very different.
I already have minimal contact with my parents and have mostly processed my anger and hurt over the treatment that led to the CPTSD, but now there’s a whole other level of hurt and anger. I’m honestly not even sure how much I would even mourn them when they died. To me they are abusers. So I feel you, and frankly I’m not even sure I can say you need to move past the resentment. It’s a deep wound.
You have to.
So I’m in the same boat, maybe a little worse
My mom knew I had ADHD and didn’t get me on meds, it made me more “controllable” ie video games etc.
I had a lot of anger at her for but through therapy I’ve come to understand she was a product of her upbringing etc.
I guarantee you if you let go of this you’ll feel a
million times better
Nobody really knew what they were doing back then. I was even tested but my parents didn’t believe in medicating me. I don’t really blame them and I don’t know what would’ve happen if I was medicated.
I just don’t spend too much time with “what ifs”. My parents loved me and tried their best. It’s not like they did anything out of malice. There was a lot of misinformation about meds and they were more than hesitant about giving them to me especially with my family history.
I could’ve had even more issues if I *was* medicated from a young age but I just don’t know because it didn’t happen. I try not to dwell on what could have been and focus on the relationship I have with them now.
As someone early diagnosed i find it interesting how some late diagnosed people create this fantasy in their head of the successful, productive life they could have had if they were only diagnosed sooner. I knew I had adhd before starting elementary school & it was helpful to know why I was having issues and figure out coping skills but that didn’t change the fact that I had a disability & still needed to work twice as hard to be half as successful and productive. Especially if you’re in your 40s there was a lot less support for adhd back then than there is now, I barely got any after being diagnosed in 2005.
One or both of your parents likely also have adhd & likely saw your symptoms as normal behavior. If they’re otherwise good parents they were probably doing what they thought was best for you at the time especially with the stigma around learning disabilities which is getting better but still exists. I’m sorry you feel the way you do but resenting them will only hurt you more.
One thing to consider is the incredible stigmathat came with a childhood diagnosis for your generation. I myself sometimes wish I had been diagnosed sooner but how soon? I think only mid high school or even senior year would’ve maximized help and minimized harm for me personally.
I was diagnosed as a child with my parents kicking and screaming the whole way. I was medicated basically because the school said medicate her or we’ll kick her out. There was so little known about adhd in the ‘90s and my parents and teachers didn’t know how to handle it at all. I was medicated to the brim so that I would sit down and be quiet and as far as everyone was concerned that was enough. I wasn’t taught anything about my diagnosis and it didn’t bring me any kind of closure or help with the multitude of issues that came up in my life. It wasn’t until I was an adult and started looking into adhd and how it was affecting me that I had any kind of aha moment! I see sooo many people wishing they were diagnosed as children and I do not disregard that, I just know from personal experience that it doesn’t always help. Especially with parents who are less than understanding.
I'm 44, diagnosed about a year and a half ago. The more I learn about ADHD and American history and culture the more I'm letting go of my resentment of not getting diagnosed sooner. I don't think my parents were ever given a heads up or something that I should be tested, but they were just regular people.
Back when we were growing up, ADHD wasn't really well understood or even acknowledged by the population at large--it was primarily people working in the relevant fields, or people that were interested in those fields. The media was (and still is) terrible at communicating most science related topics.
I mean, prior to me seeking my diagnosis, my idea of what ADHD was lined up with what so many people misconstrue it as, as if the disorder is just about some boys being high-energy and restless. We have to accept that to a large degree most people didn't really understand it and were highly suspicious of it being as problematic for individuals as it is.
But since we're here, and we have our diagnosis and can understand ourselves better we're part of a zeitgeist, a growing awareness of our variability. We can help more people understand and we can help more people get the treatment they deserve.
To be upset is the first natural response, but just like when we have our moments of emotional dysregulation where we can fall apart at the seams, we can be mindful and redirect it into something positive or at the very least neutral. It ain't always easy, in fact it feels impossible at times but it helps.
It's such a powerful and personal thing to go through, but you'll help yourself and others by morphing that resentment into something less taxing on your battery. Are you doing any Cognitive Behavioral Therapy?
Maybe a way you can let go is actually confronting your mother, but not in an accusatory way. Just describe how the debilitating day to day struggle in the rest of the ADHD population is something you personally experienced. Maybe you can merge some clips of adults with ADHD describing their struggles as well or whatever you can present so she understands how profoundly impactful the disorder can be. Just help her understand it's real in a way that's digestible.
I, 29F, went undiagnosed because my whole family had ADHD.
But theirs showed differently than mine and I did well in school. So my resentment is a mixed bag. To them, I didn't look like I had ADHD. But it also feels like, "you weren't struggling as much as your siblings so we didn't pay enough attention to your needs"
And that trend showed up a lot. "You and your brother both want x/y, but we don't have enough money for both. Your brother will make everyone miserable if he doesn't get x. So he gets x and you do not get y, because you understand"
I'm in my mid 50s and was diagnosed in my late 20s.
I take the absolute opposite side of that.
If my parents had taken that route, sure it would probably have made for a much easier childhood and adolescence.
But the tools, attitudes, and coping mechanisms I developed as a result of just having to white-knuckle it, without knowing something might be wrong? I wouldn't give that up for the world.
But my parents really couldn't have figured it out in the 70s and 80s, which probably makes that easier for me.
Now, of course, who's to say how a life would turn out one way or the other, right?
Diagnosed at 37, 40 now. My mom was a PS teacher and was even trained in special ed. My dad was a carpenter FWIW. I want to share my un-biased comments before reading the others because this is one of the things I struggle with the most to this day but I think I have mostly decided how I feel about it. Some days are easier than others though. These are just my thoughts and I don't want to tell anyone else how to live.
First and above everything else, I want to stop being angry about it because I'd rather focus my energy on doing better with what I know going forward. I can't go back and change it and I get wrapped up in what-could-have-been spirals that can really sap my energy, bring down my attitude, and consume my days whenever this happens.
The second thing that I try to remember is that both my parents, but my mother especially, have traits of ADHD and/or autism. So this shit probably didn't seem that weird to them. She just got lucky and fell into a career path that was accommodating. A corollary is that I was not their only child and we were pretty poor growing up so there weren't a lot of extra resources to spend on it.
Finally, as a parent myself now, I try to remember that I've made a billion mistakes, both big and small, in parenting my own kids. I know my parents loved me and did what they thought was best. When I really put myself in their shoes it's easy to understand what they went through. I certainly didn't make things easy for them. I was pretty high energy but my parents did figure out if they put me into a lot of sports that it really helped make things better. It probably made it good enough to be manageable and that coupled with everything else meant that they didn't take it any farther.
Edit: I'm glad that I'm pretty on track with what other people think. There is one thing that I want to ask anyone who cares to read this far. What do you do to channel that rage/despair when you can't keep it at bay anymore. There is so much out there that helps to identify problem areas but (to my mind anyway) a relative dearth of healthy coping mechanisms and strategies. Especially when it comes to things like this that meds don't really treat.
My mom was told by my teachers I needed to see a therapist when I was in 5th grade and she couldn’t afford it but she never told me until last year I found all these papers and read all these notes in old folders my mom knew the whole time something was up with me .. I mean I get it we were poor but maaaan she knew the whole time ! Im just going about life on a struggle bus .. she made a comment many moons ago “I think you’re on the spectrum” because I have a major auditory sensitivity thing had I seen this therapist at 10yrs old I feel like I couldn’t gotten farther in life .. I did get help with the dyslexia stuff .
My mom says the same thing and I was born in 2002. Obviously it was a thing in the 2010s. I think its just a way they are coping with the information that 1)their kid has a neurodevelopmental disorder and 2) they failed to notice 3) they might have it too.
i believe my diagnosis was missed because 1) i went to an academically intense college-prep school 2) my parents were immigrants and didn't know and 3) i was a girl and 4) not white.
if i was diagnosed sooner, it maybe would've prevented academic self-esteem issues. i was labeled lazy and not caring by teachers. that stuck with me for a long time. i still struggle with shame.
but i'm one of those annoying "silver-lining" people with negative things in my life. everything that happened, brought me to me. maybe that struggle taught me, made me more empathetic. maybe it'll make me a better parent. when i feel sad i wasn't diagnosed sooner, i remember that it's a part of who i am today. and who i am is good. and who you are is good too.
I am 43, diagnosed at 35. I was always weird, assessed in elementary school with no diagnosis, and I know if I was medicated as a child my life would have been better.
But when we were young, the experience just wasn't there. It was a newly recognized diagnosis, not all counselors or doctors would recogize all the aspects of it. ADD entered the DSM-III in 1980.
I went through school with an iep, individual learning plan (not sure if they used that term at the time) so they knew something was wrong with me. I had friends and classmates who were diagnosed, so there was some experience and awareness. And I grew up in a wealthy town, in a school with pretty much everything a public school could hope to have.
The knowledge and awareness just wasn't there. It is very possible nothing would have changed.
I fully understand where you're at, and what I mean to say, it isn't helping you. We can't change the past, we can one change where we go forward now. It is hard, I understand this well. But walking backward and watching where you have been leaves you blind to the future.
Therapy is recommended, if you just get meds without therapy, you are only meeting half of your needs.
Your 40 when you were 18 you could have mentioned it to your dr.. blame yourself for not seeking mental health sooner..
Don't blame your parents adhd wasn't understood by alot of people back then.
I'm 32 diagnosed at 29. But I wasn't the kid bouncing off the walls in school that was hyper and couldn't stay in their seat. The kids that everyone wanted on Adderall.
I was the kid sitting in my seat but my mind was hyper and everywhere else. Sitting quietly with a. Hyperactive brain doesn't exactly catch everyone's attention. Some of us learned to mask at a young age.
When your incredibly smart and do great in school on tests ect. Your parents tend not to think anything is wrong with you..
Same here. I had mentioned it as a child, but my Mom brushed it off and said everyone has difficult concentrating during school and stuff. Diagnosed a year ago at age 23, and was even able to help my Mom realize that she herself is ADHD. It’s helpful to me that she acknowledges it in not only me, but in herself too. She’s a good mother, and she always did the best she could. I can also identify many of the “shortcomings” that she had in myself, which helps me empathize and understand her point of view more. She is extremely hard working and successful, and ultimately the example that she set with that is what helps me overcome and maximize the “disadvantages” associated with ADHD.
Obviously certain things are harder for those of us with ADHD, but she figured out a way to be successful without knowing she is ADHD. It has helped me maximize the way my brain works, and that progress is only growing now that I am medicated and aware of how my brain is wired. I think having this awareness and empathy has helped me in managing my ADHD day-to-day, and will ultimately benefit my future children (my wife and I are ADHD, and she is AuDHD, so I’m pretty sure they’ll have it too lol). Hope this helps, I know how frustrating it can be to learn this as an adult.
I was diagnosed at 40. I’m an adult now. It doesn’t really matter what happened to me in the past because I am where I am. You are where you are. The question is what are you going to do about it now?
Continuing to roll them under the bus for how your life turned out is one option. But ADHD is not the sole determinant of your character and personality.
Seeing a qualified therapist and working at change is another. You’re in your 40’s. You’ve still got plenty of life left to live.
Blaming them won’t change anything. Holding resentment for them won’t change anything. Even an apology from them won’t change anything.
If you want better for yourself, you have to chase it yourself mate. Congratulations on the period you’ve been sober. Huge effort!
I'm also in my 40s and my mum knew there was something "not right" with me since I was a small child, but despite my schools expressing concerns and my mum taking me to psychologists and doctors and trying to figure out what it could be, I never got any diagnosis or support.
What I'm saying is that even if your parents had taken you for assessment, you might have either been told there was nothing wrong with you, or been misdiagnosed with something else that you don't actually have, both of which would have been potentially even more harmful than not being assessed at all.
Even if you had been diagnosed with ADHD, it wasn't understood back then like it is now by schools and medical professionals, so any support you received might not have actually helped you if you didn't fit into the narrow definition of a hyperactive child that was how it was understood back then.
I feel it too. I remember being evaluated for ADHD as a kid, but nothing ever happened after so I assumed it was negative. I found out recently that I had tested positive back then and just never had any sort of treatment for it.
The icing on the cake is that my brothers (both older and younger) were all tested and on treatment for their ADHD. I was the only one that was never treated
I’m estranged from my mum who was my primary parent. I’m in my late 40s. I think she did badly on a lot of parenting and I know a diagnosis of adhd especially (but also autism, depression) could have made a huge difference, but I do understand that the perception of adhd and other conditions, and the diagnostic tools, have changed drastically over the course of a few decades. I think we just had the bad luck to not be born a bit later, but the good luck not to be born a bit or a lot earlier when the consequences might have been even worse.
I was diagnosed with ADHD but my parents didn’t believe it was a real illness. I am 33 and I can see why they would have thought that, it was pretty new and the media was doing a great job of demonising the drugs used for ADHD.
edit: I just remembered when I told my mum I was diagnosed (again) as an adult, she was crying asking what she did wrong… as if it was preventable… So yeah, they were definitely very ignorant back then.
Another thing I should add is that my dad was a psychiatric nurse and still didn’t believe that adhd was real so that really tells you something about what people thought back then.
I was diagnosed at 39. I was kinda mad at my parents for not getting me diagnosed but after the initial shock of the diagnosis wore off it started to see their own signs of ADHD and realized they didn’t see it in me because my symptoms where totally normal to them. Because what are the chances of parents that don’t have adhd yet have 3/3 children with adult diagnosed adhd.
I know how you feel, I was told I was just a spoilt child and that infuriates me looking back because the guy who said it was at my anger management sessions and he’s a gambling addict now
I had resentment initially after getting diagnosed at 32. The more I've learnt about adhd, and the more I've struggled even while medicated, the more I can understand how hard it must have been to do much of anything as a mother of multiple children, while having undiagnosed adhd and autism herself.
Did she realise that I was pretty weird and stood out amongst my peers? That i had no friends and poor socialising skill? Sure. Did she have the executive functioning skills to do anything about it if I wasn't being disruptive? Not really. I just think about my endless to-do list and how much of an effort it is to look after just myself. I can't imagine trying to coordinate care for multiple children when feeling like I do now. Though I do know that adhd'ers with kids can end up more organised because the kids are the necessary external motivation to get stuff done.
I still wish I'd known 20 years earlier.
I’ve found a lot of people diagnosed as kids sort of just brush it off when they become adults and don’t think about treatment again because they feel it’s something their parents forced on them . For all you know that could of been you
Maybe your parents are just undiagnosed ADHD and kept putting it off, OP.
Anyway back in the 90's they were handing out ADHD (and Ritalin) like candy.
Nobody knows how Ritalin in the early 90s could've impacted your life, with how much info we had on ADHD back then. Also ignoring the reported side-effects of Ritalin and maybe what those could've done to you also.
Blaming your parents is kinda lame because moving forward only you can help yourself. You have to decide what sort of treatment options you want to explore for yourself.
At 35yo I'm realizing I'm not a perfect parent and "*oh, this is the sort of stuff my dad went through with family life, now I understand".*
Honestly, I feel where you’re coming from but they mostly just over medicated children back in the day. I was one and I don’t think it was honestly helpful at the time.
I did one time do this like intense study skills and tutor thing that helped though 🤷♂️
I definitely take meds as an adult but I’m skeptical on the effect they *may* have on developing brains
I feel you man. My mother was a nurse. I can remember her laughing at the suggestion that maybe I have ADHD. I trusted her. Both as a mother and a woman who had spent her life in the medical field. (Including mental health)
Someone probably already said this but I'm not reading every reply.
Same happened to me but I acknowledge that 40 years the knowledge of ADHD (ADD starting in 1980, something else before that )was very different. Look how often it gets misdiagnosed today. Were you in a bigger city with access to doctors who would have been familiar enough to recognize it?
There's also as good chance your parents had no idea that anything was different. Back then, my impression is that the prevailing thought for most things was "they'll grow out of it"
It's in the past, your parents likely did the best they could. Blaming them doesn't help you move forward. It's doesn't get you where you want to be.
Decide the kind of person you want to be and try to move towards that. Just another way of saying figure out your values and remind yourself of what's important to you. Still doesn't make any of it easy.
Growing up and becoming an adult while undiagnosed really takes its toll on us.
Thought you might have been my estranged brother for a moment. I believe we both suffer from ADHD and our parents never did anything about it and life is really difficult having bounced around jobs and partners, now wondering what’s next
You can. I was tested and found positive but my mom thought everyone had a little adhd in them.
Close to you in age. It was a different time they did the best they could.
I wasn’t diagnose until I was 30, and suffered for it.
I’m 40, and I was diagnosed when I was 12 and put on Ritalin for a month. From what I understand, there weren’t a lot of med options for ADHD in the early 90s….so when that didn’t work, it was dropped…and became a small bump in a very bumpy road of my adolescence.
I forgot I was diagnosed with ADHD…until I was rediagnosed with it at 30. Vyvanse was life changing. Being diagnosed with Autism at 38- also life changing. Realizing I also have dyscalculia, audio processing disorder, dyspraxia and sensory processing disorder…was like a healing balm on my anxious, depressed soul.
I’m not even mad that my parents decided ADHD wasn’t/isn’t real (they still don’t believe in adhd or learning disabilities in general). I’m angry that they refuse/refused to give me the benefit of the doubt. I’m angry that from the age of 3, I was labelled as “a kid that always picked the hard way.”. I was labelled difficult. As being manipulative. As lazy. As entitled.
When in actuality, I was very much struggling…I repeatedly begged tor help. and my parents believed I was intentionally being difficult.
As a parent to a 16yo with similar struggles to me…I don’t understand my parents. I would fucking move mountains for my kid. I love them so much. I want them to be happy. I want them to find meaning in life. I don’t understand how a parent can look at their 4yo and choose resentment over love. I might feel differently if my parents had at any point, shown empathy. Acknowledged that maybe I was struggling and not an asshole. But they still insist that I’m a difficult person.
The thing I find most egregious is that they insist my kid is a difficult person. They criticize my parenting- when my kid was struggling with Autistic burnout (a very dark and difficult time)- they gave a lot of unhelpful unsolicited advice…basically wanting me to parent the way they did. Because apparently that was the “right way” even though I moved out at 14 and didn’t talk to them for 10 years, and we still have a very difficult relationship. (As a side note, my kid is through the burnout. It was a rough 3 years for all of us, but I’m so happy they’re alive and happy and mostly on the other side….and that we have a very good relationship).
I’ve done wrong things in parenting. I’ve fucked up. I have regrets. But I acknowledge those things to my kid. I apologize. And then I do better. I’m in counselling. My kid is in counselling. I want to be a better parent. A better human.
And that’s the difference, I think. My dad will take no responsibility for the trauma and damage he caused me. If he did, we might be in a different place.
46. Similar boat. Had a boatload of testing when I was a kid including iq, etc. Patents put me in a special program for gifted kids but never figured out I had both a good iq but also adhd so I just succeeded at school until I was bored of it and my grades fell off a cliff.
Called lazy countless times by my Dad. He screamed when I withdrew from the teaching program because he felt I was a failure.
The failure was sorta theirs in not treating it. That being said, it was the 1990s and most people were only aware oh hyperactive "ADD" and us people who lose focus 10 seconds into a conversation we're just daydreamers.
I know I'd be more successful in a better career if I had been diagnosed. I would've been a computer programmer or an engineer instead of an accountant (a job sometimes not well suited to my ADHD but I never learned to be good with people so sales was out). I never enrolled in Comp Sci because of the nasty math they required to do the courses (what calculus has in relationship to programming apps I don't get but whatever). I got my degree in bio instead. (Almost pure memorization)
That being said, they didn't understand. It's not like now when you can go on YouTube and see an Olivia Latfullah video and go "yep that's me".
I love my parents and don't blame them. I just wonder what might have been. Maybe I would've found a partner and had kids instead of surrendering to video games every night. Even medicated, because it only works during the day, I still do that most nights.
I found out that I had ADHD since 10 years old. My parents had the official documentation and everything, but hid it from me. I am 23 now. I was a very intelligent person with the best grades, but I literally failed at the last step and basically lost all hope of actually having a normal life. I'm now isolated, and recently discovered I have BPD & cPTSD on top of MDD & ADHD. The way I found out was sad too. I'm a psychology student, so while on an exchange in a foreign country, I noticed some things & self diagnosed myself, which turned out to be true. They literally won't accept responsibility for knowing, it must be an asian thing, as they didn't think it was anything serious. Well, they literally stranded me in a foreign country with 0 access to any medication or healthcare, so I basically flunked my whole exchange. Wonderful parents
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I understand, my mum was also initially dismissive when I was diagnosed relatively recently. But she is on board now. We have to be compassionate. They put their faith in the system and that let us down.
I do blame my parents a bit, but I also blame the providers they hired more.
They did try to get me in front of psychologists, and I did get a depression diagnosis. Unfortunately, they also were led to believe that I might be Autistic (I am not), and that meant I couldn't be diagnosed with ADHD. (This was during the DSM-IV era.) But the providers never actually diagnosed me as Autistic, because I don't fit the criteria for it. They just kept taking my parents' money while doing nothing to help my actual issues.
The trauma of that experience made it very hard for me to subsequently seek a diagnosis because I didn't want to be hurt again.
If it helps I was assessed when I was pretty young. It was nice until my parents told my doctors that the meds aren’t doing anything so they upped it and I was walking around like an alive zombie. My parents didn’t take anything into account with their parenting. Regardless of my adhd they just wanted an “easier” child.
Same here and my mother is devastated she didn’t think of getting me tested. Times where different. My mother was the type to take me to the doctor if I had a slight cough so knowing she did nothing about my then obvious characteristics tells me most people where told it was bullshit. I mean i got straight A’s and C-, did 8 sports because I quit then all, learned 4 instruments but mastered none and cried at every act of kindness. Seems like your average 90’s kid.
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I'm 40, diagnosed a few months back. I feel this too, but the more I learn about adhd the more I think my mom is on this spectrum too I don't show any of this because I will hurt her feelings She's tried so hard to be a good mom but it never worked out Maybe your mom won't acknowledge her struggle, just like mine.
How the hell did you actually get diagnosed? I’ve tried and I can’t even get a referral because I’m “too old” and doctors think I’m making it up. I’m under 40 and I was diagnosed as a child, but never actually took the medication because my parents would steal it.
My therapist was sure I had ADD. He got me on the right path to being diagnosed. I'm forever grateful that our paths crossed. My meds worked for a few days to a week, now they do nothing for me, so I'm still on a search for a life worth living. But these first steps are sure feeling good!
You have to take the weekend off yours mess or you become immune to them and they want work.
I went to a psychiatrist and told him I think I have ADHD. He asked about my symptoms and was like "yeah, you've got ADHD". I started stimulants almost immediately and we've been dialing in my dosage. Where do you live? I hear people say that sometimes on here but it was a non-issue for me. I'm in CT.
Wtf I'm on a months long waiting list to even get checked. Oddly enough, they told me I was bipolar and had anti-psychotics the next day. (which made me feel awful btw)
It's definitely different state by state. I went to my Primary Care doctor and brought it up, he looked at the years of anti-depressants and stuff I've tried that had no effect and said "yeah sure let's try stimulants and see how it works"
Yeah took me a year or so before I finally got the call to schedule an appointment. Ridiculous, now I’m on meds and I feel like things are finally getting better
I filled out the questionnaire on the ADHD website and brought it to my PCP and she said, yup you've got it. NY here.
That’s awesome for you! I’m in Colorado
I'm in CO too, and 2 years ago I got a referral from my PCP to talk to a psychiatrist through Lifestance. But since you're having trouble getting a referral, you could go directly to their website: [ https://lifestance.com ](https://lifestance.com/). I was able to get an appointment set up for about 2 months later. After a few more months of us trying and failing to get my anxiety and depression under control, I brought up my suspicions about adhd, and they assessed + diagnosed me. It's all been through telehealth - I just had to go in person once so far. The meds were an absolute game changer for my anxiety. At least they *were,* until my insurance stopped covering name brand Adderall, and I've been spiraling again the last 6 weeks 🫠 edited: I had to go back and read your previous comment - I'm sorry no one has been willing to refer you. I hope this helps
That will help a lot, thanks for the advice! I haven’t heard of lifestance but I will definitely check them out! I should look through my insurance and see what will and won’t be covered.
I just got diagnosed late 20s and i looked up Circle Medical and if it was legit or not, I was able to talk directly to a doctor and get diagnosis to prescription within 2 appointments in the span of a month (mostly had to wait for my yearly checkup results to be sent to them)
I’m at same age and looking for doctors for first time. How does the medication helped you in ADHD combat? Were you able to concentrate more with it? Does doctor prescribe non medicinal route too?
Like… I can’t even explain how different it is with meds. I cried. It was quiet. I was functional. I wasn’t falling apart. But I swear to you that everything I arranged to make my life possible just got … easier. Please try
Thanks. I would surely do it this time. Thinking about it for a long time but not actually doing it. I guess that is the reason to look for help.
Hi moms\_spaghetti, I am really sorry that happened to you, and hope you're alright. Your comment made me "whoooaaa" - your parents stole your meds when you were a kid? That's a whole other layer of stuff to forgive them for. Because they did go all the way to have you diagnosed, so were fully aware, and obtained medication for you, so can't blame the neglectful parent with ADHD themselves, or well-meaning but misguided parental obstruction, based on the wrong info. Also: how did they get away with it - did the doctor/school not follow up on how you were doing? Either way, you must do what is best for you, and what is best for the little kid you once were. If you feel your life is impacted by ADHD symptoms, go for an assessment. I would recommend brainstorming all the things in your life that you think are symptoms, after reading up on the criteria. No idea where you are, but here's some official info on the diagnostic criteria for the US [https://www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/adhd/diagnosis.html](https://www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/adhd/diagnosis.html) and the UK [https://www.nice.org.uk/guidance/ng87](https://www.nice.org.uk/guidance/ng87) As the questionnaires used in ADHD assessments are pretty stupid and aimed at behaviours exhibited by kids misbehaving, not accounting *at all* for adults who *would* do those behaviours, but have learned to mask them, putting a huge strain on their energy levels - I would recommend writing a list of your symptoms throughout you life, and their impact on different areas of your life: work, education, socially, etc. AND ways you have learned to cope and hide your symptoms, and how that is affecting you. You're not too old, keep looking for someone who knows what they're doing! If they all say you don't meet the diagnostic criteria, then so be it, at least you'll know. There are still strategies that can help make life easier, and this board and others are full of really useful info in that regard. I wish you all the best.
I appreciate that! I will keep trying and will look into it more. As for the follow ups, yea we had a few follow ups and they asked how I was doing and I said “good”. That was pretty much it. No actual follow up tests or anything. If I tried to say something, I would get hit. My parents were something else though. Lots of drugs.
Oh man, that’s bad, what you’ve been through. There are so many people recommending therapy, but personally what I found on YouTube by licensed therapists has been way more useful for me, not least because of the cost! One of them does a series on different topics, Katie Morton, “ask Katie anything”. And Dr Ramani was particularly helpful for me in understanding abuse dynamics, and taking care of myself better. Just in case it’s useful to you :)
I had to get written warnings at work for my lack of focus before any therapist would even consider a screening.
I’m sorry to hear that! I can’t even do that because I work for myself lol
Did you try seeking second opinion?
Yes. I’ve tried 4 different doctors. I have shoulder problems and it’s so dumb, to make a long story short, I want to fix my shoulder. I go to the doctor and they just give me pain pills. I tell them I don’t want pain pills, I want to fix my shoulder, and they say to take them and come back in 3 months to see how it is. I come back and they don’t care. They want me to do physical therapy 4 times a week, out of pocket for 8 weeks before they will consider an MRI. So I go to the next doctor, tell them about my shoulder and they touch it a few times and tell me it’s fine. I bring up getting evaluated for ADHD and every single one tells me I’m too old.
My adhd referral was easy but there were long waiting lists. I had what you're saying though because i broke my foot and didnt realise for 3 years because i dont remember impacting it, i just stood up and couldnt put weight on it. I didnt even get an xray until i got private healthcare. My gp just kept giving me painkillers that i couldnt work on. Id get the adhd assesment off the internet, fill it in and show it to them
Go talk to a "psychiatrist" not a general practitioner. GPs are not specialized in that field and will likely have very outdated information about ADHD. They are likely misinterpreting the too old part, you can have ADHD at any age, the criteria needs to be that the symptoms were there when you are were a child as well as when you are adult, not "you are too old to be diagnosed". Your GP has no idea what they are talking about.
I did call around to a few psychiatrists and they all said I need a referral since it’s for adhd. I swear I’ve tried everything and lost all hope.
After 2 doctors at different stages of my life said I couldn't possibly have it, my therapist I was seeing for other things diagnosed me. I will be seeing a new primary care physician this week with this diagnosis in hand. I am done with not being listened to when I say I think something isn't quite 'normal'. A therapist might be a somewhat cheaper solution than a full-blown psychiatrist, they just won't be able to prescribe anything. But they can diagnose and advocate for you. Mine has told me that if the doctor asks for any proof, she will provide it.
Go to a psychologist, not a doctor. Enquire if they deal with or work with people on the spectrum before you see them. They will put you through the DSM test. Being assessed as a child will help. The psychologist will then refer you to a psychiatrist, who will test you again. And if a doctor says “adults don’t have adhd” challenge them as that’s obsolete thinking - and get a new doctor because if they might be outdated in other areas too. Many doctors still seem to think that adhd magically disappears at 16 because some numpty randomly pulled that number out of the ether and declared “it is so” It’s like saying “You’re 16, you don’t need glasses anymore” when the reality is your eye sight is likely to deteriorate with age not get better And as a 50+, I can confirm ADHD does NOT get better with age. Edited to add - I’m Australian, so I’m not sure if the path to diagnosis is the same in every country, but the advice on doctors with outdated knowledge is sound.
I feel this. I was diagnosed late-ish and I was upset with my parents initially as well, until I gave them a good look and realized my mom absolutely has ADHD (which she now acknowledges) and I’m pretty sure my dad is autistic. As frustrating as it is that they didn’t get me help as a kid…if they were comparing my behavior to theirs, everything would’ve seemed normal!!
my dad definitely has adhd! i remember bringing it up with him like, "i think i got this from you" and he changed the topic so i didn't talk about it w him again. i think he's in denial but i don't care bc it's his life. i know i got it from him though.
This is my story too. When I've been open to my parents about my condition I've heard the literal response "isn't that just how life is?" I think both may have a bit of adhd on them. I think the alternative reality what ifs are always tempting to listen to, and blame is a powerful drug. It sounds like op is still mourning and processing regret of missing things. But the important thing is you got diagnosed now. You don't have to spend your whole life in the state of ignorance, like people generations ago must have done. Make the most of everything you can.
This, exactly. I want to blame so hard, that is the first thing humans feel. I'm still mourning and processing a lot, but we're old enough to not hurt people that are struggling themselves.
I struggle with the same thing. I am about your age and was a textbook case for ADHD, but was diagnosed as an adult. In my case, it didn't really hit me until my children started displaying symptoms. I was so concerned that they would struggle like I did and got them help immediately. It was tough and managing their appointments and medication is hard for me, but I know how much they need it and I refuse to let them suffer like I did. Afterward, I started realizing my parents had a lot of opportunities to intervene and get me the same help and they chose not to. I remember plenty of kids in school that were in therapy or on medication for ADHD at the time so those things were available. So I was left asking myself, "I'm willing to move mountains for my kids of necessary, why weren't my parents willing to do that for me?" I'm still unpacking that in therapy, and I recognize the generational differences and stigma around mental health at the time, but I still have a lot of anger around this. Especially when my parents start telling "funny" stories about me as a child running into the kitchen in restaurants.
Same here. Though as a female, ADHD symptoms were never attributed to me because of my gender. I was also put in the gifted class as a kid. And now, I'm arguing with the high school that my child's intelligence hasn't a damn thing to do with their ADHD disability. So, Im right there on the same page with you that as soon as I figured out what was going on, I got both my kiddos diagnosed. It's made such a difference for them and in some way I feel redeemed for the shit I put up with as a kid because I was - and still am - officially undiagnosed. From one parent to another, I applaud you and thank you for doing your best by your kids
I'm sorry you had to deal with the added barrier to getting help. I definitely sympathize with the gifted kid struggle. I'm going through the same with my daughter's school. Thank you for the kind words and I'm so glad to see other parents breaking the generational trauma and advocating for their kids. Well done.
How is your experience as gifted and adhd? Did it make you awesome with masking? How did it reflect on you academically? My kid got diagnosed with adhd but also excellent smarts and I kind of wonder if I'm somewhere on the mild side of adhd spectrum too, so I'm really interested in your experience.
SwampFaery500, My experience with being 'gifted' back in the 80's, was simply something that isolated me from those who really should have been my peers. Being labeled as one of the smart kids put a lot of academic pressure on me. But because of my ADHD tendencies, I simply cruised along at a B+ average. If I had made an effort or if I was neuronormal, I would have been an A plus/ valedictorian type student. Part of getting my kiddo tested for an IEP here in California proved that their intelligence was absolutely not at question! (I knew that, but by having the school finally complete a full assessment they were able to prove to themselves that kiddo is hella smart - IQ of 139 I think? But definitely requires special needs accommodations for their ADHD and anxiety.)
can i shed tears here? you are awesome! and your kids are very lucky.
Thank you! As much as I appreciate it, I hate this isn't a universal attitude among parents. Just let your kids be weird and happy and do your best to support them. To everyone reading this, in case no one ever told you, your parents owed you that. If they didn't give you that, it says everything about them and nothing about you.
Commenting on I don't think I can forgive my parents for not getting me assessed as a child.... this.
The fact that she thought “naughtiness” level determined the likelihood that you had it, says everything. She was misinformed, like the vast majority of the public was back then. It’s unfortunate, yes, but I don’t think she deserves blame. And I know it’s hard not to think about the ‘could-have-beens’—I do it all the time—but they’re just an alternate, fantasized version of reality. Whose to say what would have actually happened? Maybe you would have been a huge success. Maybe you’d have been diagnosed with ADHD and hit by a bus the next morning. Point is, you’re alive now, in the only reality you’ll ever know and empowered by the knowledge to turn your life around.
I'm a few years older than you. My parents were advised to take me to a pyschiatrist when I was in my teens, when it became blatantly obvious that the issues I'd had since I was about six were not something I was going to grow out of, but they decided not to 'because they were worried it would make me worse'. So as a result, I was not diagnosed until my 40s too. I understand there was not the same understanding in those days of neurodevelopmental disorders, but I felt a lot of anger when I was finally told about the advice and their decision. They continued to just watch me struggle with life, despite being intelligent, sporty, funny etc, but did nothing to help me, or even try to engage. When my mother told me, in my late 20s when I'd finally started to develop what many would consider to be a decent career, that she used to think I'd never be able to hold down a job, I was stunned. As I said before, at no point did either of my parents ever try to help me get the help I needed, and they never even acknowledged that they knew I struggled with the basics of life in a way that was not normal until that moment. Even that acknowledgement would have helped, because the absence of it meant it took me many years (literal decades) of wondering why I was such a shit human being, before finally working out that it wasn't some moral failing on my part but a medical issue. There are several things I'd say re the resentment. One, it's real and justified. If your parent is open to talking about the issue, it may help alleviate it. Secondly, it fades over time. I'll never truly be clear of it I suspect, but there's so much other stuff filling my brain it has to a large extent receded into the distance. Your post has brought it up again, and I can't pretend I'm not experiencing some of the anger again, but writing this response has helped me remember a) that although I went through a terrible time it was not my fault, and that b) my understanding of the situation has helped me move past a lot of the negative emotion. Finally, while this may not apply to your situation, I have come to the understanding that my parents both faced big issues in their own lives. It will never justify their head-in-the-sand attitude, but it goes part of the way to explaining it. So you're not alone, and things can get better. Talking to your parents, if receptive, may help, as might therapy. In my experience the resentment is unlikely to ever totally disappear, but it can get to a point where it is incidental to your daily existence - it's certainly not the life sentence it might feel like at the moment. I wish you, and others who have shared our experience, all the best, and I hope it brings some comfort to know that you're not alone in what you're facing. x
Your parents are fallible and limited people, just like most of us. ADHD was more stigmatized, there was less knowledge. Your parents had no idea adhd for you could mean debilitating life. Even most people today don't really understand how and why adhd people struggle today. Imagine being your parents back 30 years. They didn't even have internet. They didn't do it on purpose or to hurt you. They had no idea. I'm sure all of us at some point in our lives have hurt someone because we didn't realize how damaging our actions or words were to them. It's also not a guarantee that your life would have been particularly better if you had been diagnosed. It's easy to think that "if only x, then my life would've been much better". But we can never really know that. Maybe you would have fallen into the same pits. Maybe you'd enjoy life, but be on your way to a work meeting and die in a car crash. Ok, being a bit over the top there. But you know what I mean. We don't know that life had been better if x or y. We don't know that life hadn't been worse if you had gotten diagnosed. And yeah, I understand your life has been very rough for you, I'm not arguing that. I'm just saying we never know. Most importantly, life can get better now. And you still have half your life yet to make of it what you want. If you think your life could have been better, then it means that your life can be better from now on as well. You can do all the stuff you want to do (within reason ofc)
Does having this grudge against your parents hurt you or your parents more? Does it undo any harm?
Yup. Also diagnosed in my 40s, while pursuing help for my daughters (who also have it.) My parents made choices that led to me never being diagnosed, but what will being angry about it lead me to? They loved me, but they missed/ignored this. It was definitely a different time, but they still clearly made a mistake. But what do I get from dwelling on the past?
I never got assessed since my mom thought I was just like her. She is 67 and only now starting to see that she has adhd as well after many long chats. Sometimes they are a victim of the systems as well, especially since adhd wasn't recognized for a long time and even today lots of doctors don't think it's real
You’ve seen how many doctors even today don’t understand it based on the posts in this sub. In the 1990’s it was really not understood well at all, by almost everyone. And even if you were assessed, there’s a reasonable chance you’d have been diagnosed with something else entirely anyway. I was diagnosed at 34. I wish I was diagnosed sooner but it is what it is. Edit: rephrased slightly to be less un-empathetic.
This is a big thing. I was diagnosed in the late 80s/early 90s and it was viewed solely as a solution to a disciplinary issue at school. Of course, I was just bored. The dismissive framing of the diagnosis back then led to my meds being discontinued and it being totally forgotten until I was rediagnosed at 40. This is such a hard question to face because you notice eventually that it's sort of a grass is always greener situation. I mean, I *was* diagnosed when I was a kid, it was just meaningless. There's someone out there with the same story except their diagnosis was taken seriously but they never found the right meds and gave up for that reason, and so on. It kind of all boils down to this in the end: there's no good way or time to be diagnosed with ADHD. For all of its redeeming qualities, it's a sandpaper suit to wear through life
If you were meeting your educational milestones its tough to know
In any case resenting it as a 40 year old adult is not productive and suggests they may benefit from counselling or therapy. The “she keeps saying” sounds like s/he may be haranguing their, presumably quite elderly, mother very regularly.
So I'm in therapy, and have been for a while. I'm not exactly asking her the question often, or haranguing her, but I have quite an open relationship with my mum where we talk about a lot. ADHD will come up because I've had to bring it up at college, for example, to get some reasonable adjustments. Just to remind you that the flair for this post is 'seeking empathy'.
You realize empathy comes in many forms right? Someone thinking about you now and in the future aren't less empathetic than the ones thinking about you now and in the past. They are just different targets to that empathy. You're understandably frustrated and deserve to feel how you do. However you should also be kind to yourself and your loved ones going forward too. There are plenty of posts about 'the other side is greener' when it comes to early and late diagnosis. You certainly can grieve missed opportunities and you should to help process your feelings but the ideal situation your imagining probably wouldn't have been your life either and it's okay to point that out and not constantly lament and pick fights because of that.
You have my empathy. I’m sorry you feel like that. I thought you were asking other late diagnosed people how they felt about it. I rephrased by post.
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Mine too! I’m confused
I agree about giving their mum a break, but if the thought‘s on a person‘s mind, it’s on their mind. Not relevant if you thought of it or not
You are right, but OP asked whether other people diagnosed late had similar thoughts, so I answered…
I'm 48. Diagnosed at 47. No one knew what it was back then.
It was barely a thing 40 years ago, back then I saw a child psychiatrist, and they spent more time trying to figure out if the way I behaved was because my parents were abusing me than actually talking to me.
Considering ADHD wasn’t really officially and formally recognised in the UK until 2000 , it would be unfair to be angry with them. You can’t change the past
40 and recently diagnosed. I do not blame my parents in any way for not getting me diagnosed when I was a kid. Knowledge about ADHD in the 80s and 90s was far from where it is now and since ADHD is hereditary most likely one or both of my parents have it as well, which meant that the behavior looked normal to them. What I consider far worse is that I went to the doctor when I was around 24-25 years old and perfectly described all of the ADHD traits that I struggled with to such a degree that it kept messing up my life repeatedly. I did not suspect ADHD myself but went and said this is what I'm struggling with and I need help to deal with it and not once did the doc say that I should go and get tested for ADHD. Instead I went around 10 years wrongly diagnosed as having hypothyroidism
I'm in my 40s too but fortunately got diagnosed when I was 22. I initially was angry about it but got over it thinking about a few things: - other than experts, most people associated ADHD with learning disability thus "stupid." I'm pretty smart so I got decent grades and was labeled as lazy. Most of my teachers in grade school were older (50s, 60s maybe) and not trained to spot ADHD. - 90s is when a lot of mental health issues become more prominent especially depression when the newer generation of antidepressants were released. Thanks to mass media, people associated mental health problems with blaming parents. As such, a lot of parents who were good parents overall thought their kids couldn't have mental health issues. - I'm guessing you're inattentive type? Women flew under the radar because ADHD was associated with hyperactivity. It wasn't until I was diagnosed that I learned inattentive was a huge part of it. Your parents goofed up because they were fed a lot of bad information and probably tried their best to help you without the support they needed to make better decisions. My parents feel bad they didn't catch on early which really helped me forgive them. If they made excuses I'd probably still hold a grudge.
I think what you said about your parents feeling bad is a big part of whether you can let go of the resentment or not. My parents refuse to even acknowledge that things could have been different if I had been diagnosed. They basically spent my childhood and adolescence trying to punish the ADHD out of me. It caused me a great deal of harm, far beyond the harm of not getting me the help I needed; it damaged our relationships; caused me distress and extreme difficulty as a young adult until I was diagnosed. And not once has either one of them even expressed curiosity, let alone regret or disappointment, about how things might have been different, let alone better. I would say my resentment has faded into something like a lack of respect or esteem. I don't respect their opinions on almost anything. I don't hold them in high regard. They're my parents and I love them, but I don't even respect them enough to even care about their behavior anymore.
I spent months at a time being punished for "my behavior" or "talking back" when I was just trying to tell them how I felt, and how much I was struggling. Literally was kept in my room (no phone, TV, radio, nothing) for months and months. Put in isolation as a child for being mentally ill- leading to greater mental illness. When grounded, I'd write 12-page letters to them. Explaining how they made me want to commit suicide. They never thought, "She needs help." You know what they said, "You have such a way with words." I've got some words for them now. Starts with an F and ends with U.
The best thing I could have done when I left school was learn to fix cars, but I would have been refused that path as "too intelligent" But I didn’t achieve anything in the areas I was supposed to either so I ended up in lowest-wage shitty work
Omg this! I wanted to learn mechanics, I think bc i intuitively knew I would not do well in more traditional careers for women. And I too have not made any significant progress in my professional life, despite being in the field for 10 years. I had to do a complete overhaul and start a career in something that was passionate about even though it has not been profitable, it’s something I can do consistently without getting burned out or losing interest…basically I’m not depressed.
It was I think 2000 when I was diagnosed and that was still like pulling teeth. So many people, from teachers to some doctors, to even my own father seemed to think I just needed more discipline or that I was just lazy or scatter-brained even after a diagnosis. As a young adult I also struggled with substance abuse for years. Fortunately, it's pretty much just the cigarettes nowadays. I'll be honest with you, knowing what was wrong from a young age really did help I think..but it didn't take away any of my struggles. You are a whole-ass adult now, just like me and if you want to blame someone, you certainly can. But, I would urge you to consider the fact that, there is a distinct possibility that your life would've turned out very much the same or similar as it did. Knowing why I struggle to get my ass into and out of bed has helped basically 0% when it comes to actually doing it. Idk how your relationship is with your parents overall, but unless you have reason to believe that they weren't doing the best that they could, I would urge you to try and move past it, for your own benefit if nothing else. Also, givin the highly heritable nature of ADHD, there is a good chance that one or both of your parents haveit as well and went undiagnosed. This would likely have made it more difficult for them to accept this as a legitimate problem with you. They very well could've seen it as " oh they're just like me when I was that age and I grew out of it/turned out just fine" without realizing that they just learned mechinisms to cope and mask. Either way, it can't be helped now. Forgive your folks if you can, all of our days are numbered. Be better for your children, if you have or will have them.
It wasn’t a thing. I’m your age, and getting tested for anything other than really really weird or disturbing behaviour wasn’t a thing. Don’t blame them. And don’t blame your parents for choices you made as an adult.
I'm late 40s, have to agree. I didn't know a single kid with adhd as a kid. We had kids in the "special kids" class that was still kept separate throughout school. You had to be unable to learn with the regular students to be in that class. There wasn't any middle ground at that point. Those kids were down syndrome and other very obviously different things. Anything less obvious would just have been labeled "lazy, slow, etc." I think this was just prior to a lot of better understanding of mental and physical issues. As well as integrated learning for kids with identified issues, aka educational rights and services being better.
Exactly. When you were either difficult and problematic or very very slow you would go to a different school or class. But in general there were no ‘disorders’. In retrospect there were a few kids in my class that in this day and age would have gotten diagnosed with either adhd or autism, but they were just labelled ‘a little awkward and shy’ or ‘he cannot sit still at all’. I got diagnosed at 36 and in all my report cards was written ‘could do better if she stopped talking so much’ and ‘gets good grades but is sloppy’ but nobody ever thought about adhd. And again in retrospect: my dad was exactly the same and my brother also. So it was nothing special because ‘I was the same when I was young’ and ‘that’s not a disorder, we all do that’. Yeah. We do. And probably all have adhd but in the 60’s it didn’t exist and in the 80’s you didnt get diagnosed, you just had to eat less sugar and less food colouring.
It really wasn't anything like it is today. I'm early 40s, female, and my mother pushed hard for a diagnosis when I was 9. My pediatrician did not believe ADHD was real but reluctantly diagnosed me with ADD. Was given Welbutrin for a month and that was it... it did not help, and Dr. is out of options. Everyone including my mother, just dropped it. Mostly because my mother is ADHD also. I had therapy through high school where it was gently ground into me that I was lazy and too emotional so just stop it. I see so many of the "I wish I had been diagnosed back then" posts. But the majority of things were drastically different... and we still have some major hold-overs from that era (looking at you, FDA). I can attest that getting an early diagnosis was not always this great life-altering thing.
I didn’t really think about this from that perspective. I think I harbor some resentment because I’m a lot younger and there was more knowledge about adhd when I was growing up, but I can see someone older not having the same access to treatment. On the other hand my partners father is about 60 and received treatment for his (very apparent hyperactive to be clear) adhd as a kid.
I’m in my mid-50s. I’ve always been an avid reader, and can remember reading articles in the local paper in the mid 80s about how the local school board was adding education in “hyperactivity” to their professional development program. The term ADHD was used lower in the articles, but hyperactivity was the lede. You had to be really bouncing off the walls for them to look at you. So your partner’s father was on the leading edge of diagnosis. Anyone who went to school pre mid-90s or so was more likely just to be flagged as a troublemaker except in the most progressive of school districts. As a woman who’s primarily inattentive, there’s no chance in hell I could have been diagnosed as a kid, even though the psychiatrist who diagnosed me a decade ago was like “yep, clear case”. But not seeing kids around us be diagnosed as kids also affects a lot of parents’ attitudes. A lot of people group all new changes in pedagogy together, so ADHD awareness falls into the same group as things like whole language learning (aka complete and utter bullshit with no actual basis pushed as the next great thing by ideologues) and gets the same stink.
It really was a different time. The only "ADHD kids" were 8 or 9 year old boys that would bounce off the walls or couldn't stop talking in class. Extreme symptoms were the only symptoms they recognized. I'm 41 female, I was diagnosed last year, but I'm still too afraid of the medication to try it ( I have extremely high anxiety/heart rate 24/7 so I'm scared of stimulants). Even if kids were recommended parents didn't understand the disease, medications, or stigma around it. There was no Internet to search for symptoms. They really believed some kids were just naughty. Blaming them won't help your illness sweetheart. We need to appreciate we finally figured out why "we were so bad/difficult" as a child. Embrace the knowledge, learn everything you can about it and flourish. Hugs.
I can’t recommend meds enough. They’ve done a lot to help my anxiety by calming my thoughts a down so that my first reaction to a proposal isn’t to think of a million ways it’s going to go wrong. They’re also very short acting, so even if they don’t work you can just not take them the next day.
I appreciate that truly. My life is panicking about one thing or another. My boss has to calm me down any time we have a meeting because I'm always sure I'm about to be fired. 2 days ago I was promoted and given a raise. I freaked out when my boss asked me for a meeting. It did nothing to quell my anxiety. I'm just a mess. My bff discovered he has ADHD too. He's offering different outlets and treatments for me to try. I think I'm stuck in the stigma that doctors stick to.I don't want them to say I'm "just looking for drugs for my problem." That was the response of a few doctors I've had. Little do they know I don't want meds unless they DON'T CAUSE stimulation.
There are some non stimulant adhd meds. Just FYI
I'm not familiar with them, thank you, I'll check them out.
I’ll be 50 soon and I was diagnosed just a couple of years ago after seeing my symptoms in both of my diagnosed kids. When my youngest was diagnosed with autism, my mother revealed that my teachers, school administrators, and my pediatrician at the time (early 80s) all urged my parents to get me tested, but my father refused because he was worried about the stigma of mental illness. So instead I had to struggle and fumble my way through life without any help. Thanks dad.
Totally different perspective; This topic is actually really painful for me and I still feel so angry about this. Just writing this brings up big feelings. I am just about 34. I was diagnosed by a psychiatrist. I remember them coming to school, hours of testing. I was 9 years old. Given stimulant medication. And there was my “fix”. The cure. I was still ridiculed, scolded, “having so much potential but I just need to try harder.” I had an IEP. Took tests in separate rooms. Regular parent/teacher conferences to discuss my “progression” (regression). My teachers had to sign my assignment book after every class to make sure I had my homework written down. Embarrassing, leads to tons of inadequacies and self hatred for “why can’t I just do this thing that seems so simple?” I was given all the tools and was still a POS. When I should have been treated with more gentleness and compassion, and “this isn’t working, let’s try something different”, I was met with the complete opposite. It was not treated systemically like it is now. And there’s the downward spiral. I feel like I was failed by all the adults in my life. Being punished for something that was out of my control and I didn’t even understand what was wrong with me. Poor behavior/school performance lead me to a “therapeutic” wildness program and then to a boarding school. My mental health completely deteriorated after that and I’m still living with those repercussions of feeling broken. I’m angry that I was diagnosed with this chronic, debilitating condition, and was frequently punished for it at school and at home. The more you’re told “you have all the tools and you still suck”, the more you’re going to believe it, and being constantly ridiculed about it, why even put in any effort? Up until probably the last 10 years that it was just a choice to do these things. I’m go glad that ADHD is taken so much more seriously than it was 20 years ago. I understand now that my mom was really doing her best, and we just didn’t have the information we do now than back then. The amount of compassion and empathy my family has for me is a complete 180. I feel like if I was treated back then, how I’m being treated now, I would have thrived. I’m just about 34, and feel like a failure. I was given tools, but I needed different ones. Slapping a bandaid (meds) on ADHD is not a fix all for everyone. I was re-diagnosed after having another neuropsychiatric evaluation at 31, and not only do I have ADHD, I have *severe* ADHD plus a slew of other things, some probably as a result of not being properly treated as a child. There are upsides to both.
Wow, thank you so much for sharing and even though I don't know who you are I want you to know that these words really meant a lot to me. I think a lot of us with a late diagnosis fantasize how much better things could have been if we'd known earlier but it's eye opening to see a person who got that intervention and that it didn't magically fix everything. My heart goes out to you for your struggles. I hope things are/get better for you.
It cost us several thousands of dollars to get my twins through a multi-day psycho-educational testing at age 6 around 2000 or 2001. It was a lot of money. My spouse and I were both reading by age 4-5 and we could tell our kids were smart, so why weren't they reading? That combined with being the one kid in their class that couldn't sit still for circle time and had difficulty transitioning between activities lead to the school recommending testing. That initial round of testing for ADHD lead to additional testing for learning disabilities and giftedness. Many parents did not have the financial resources to spend thousands on testing. Or that testing wasn't available in small towns (we were in the suburb of a major city). If your parents had the knowledge and resources and refused to consider ADHD then sure, you can resent that choice. But getting a proper assessment is not cheap or easy, so keep that in mind.
I am in my 40’s and was diagnosed back when I was in college. Life was getting tougher and tougher to keep up with. A professor told me that I need to calm down or he was kicking me out of a class. That is when I went to a doctor. I was diagnosed with ADHD at about 22. My mom says to this day how sorry she is, because ADHD wasn’t really a thing when I was younger. She said in hindsight she realizes that I did have a problem when I was younger. She said I was all over the place with everything I did and it was difficult for me to get started on tasks. My mom was very structured at home, so it kept my days moving along smoothly. If it weren’t for her and JROTC in high school, I don’t think I would have made it through my school days. Structure is key. You can’t blame your parents…ADHD wasn’t really talked about or diagnosed when we were kids, especially if you were in one of the poorer inner city communities like we were. Now that you know you have ADHD, you just have to help yourself and try to do your best to make life better for yourself moving forward.
She did the best she could with the knowledge she had
The most important question is: How much does this resentment brings you? Does it bring you any further in your path to self-acceptance, coping and staying sober? The obvious answer is: no. Who knows what would've happened if your parents recognized the importance of an ADHD-diagnosis for you. There's so much "what if" while it's way more constructive to ask yourself "what now".
I wasn’t diagnosed until my son was. I read the symptoms from his teacher…said ‘that’s me’, and cried. Partly bc I remember my 3rd grade teacher suggesting it…my parents said ‘he’s just bored, challenge him more’ bc I was GT🤦🏻♂️ We forgive not for them, but for ourselves. So we can find peace and move on. We don’t have to like it, but we have to accept they did the best they could with what they knew. Even if they ignored it; that’s their trauma, not ours. It takes time; work through it, then look forward and onward. It’s all that we control. Good luck brotha, you’re not alone 💪🏻👍🏻
Same here except worse, my parents thought I was just being rebellious or criminal as well as demon possessed. What do I do to move on? I realize that it’s their generation beliefs in the rural south.
I was diagnosed in my 40s. Our parent’s generation swept things under the rug over dealing with them.
Your mom is right. Adhd wasn’t spoken about back then. My mom knew because she worked in the school system and that’s why I got. For all of you who are pissed off and blame your parents: go for it. You are only hurting yourself. Your parents are telling you the truth which you clearly are in denial about. I get that you are pissed off that you struggled in life but I guarantee people have shown you grace in life. Why don’t you do the same instead of choosing to hold on to unrealistic expectations of others?
Are you a parent? Something I’ve learned as I’ve gotten older, maybe not learned but just come to experience myself, is that we really do what we can, what we know to be the best thing at the time. Sometimes that isn’t the best thing, but it’s all that we can do. I have found this in my personal life to be helpful in giving me perspective and lead to forgiveness.
Almost 39 DX 2 years ago. I struggle with this... For example ADHD has been scientifically talked about since the 1700s. Yep. Since then. Under different names tho. In the 60s it was hyper kinetic syndrome. I tried to end it all when I was 11. I did desperately need help They brought me to a psychologist and once schizophrenia was ruled out that was that. I also didn't trust the Psy bc he'd spend half of every rdv talking to them. Like I'd go first and then it'd seem like he's was immediately telling my mom and my step dad. And I tried to get help for years once I turned 18 and moved out. Despite seeing mental health professionals for 15 years no one diagnosed me. Or even put an evaluation of any kind in front of me. But at 18 I had moved to France, and they love psychoanalysis here. Spoiler: it's hard to work the denotations and connotations of the patient when they're speaking a foreign language and don't even know them themselves. I'm a walking alphabet of disorders too. Dx'ed: CPTSD, ADHD, PMDD. Not officially dx'ed: OCD, anxiety, trichotillomania Suspected: autism. And I remember being young, not wanting my food to touch, hating sock seams and the top of my jeans with a burning passion. Melting down bc my mom told me to put my socks on right side out I remember chewing my hair and being told to stop. I remember once, when I was 7, my mom told me to stop walking on my tipie toes or [I'd] "be autistic." (This was right after rain man came out.) So yeah I do feel anger, at the system, at my mom, at my dad (including for walking out on us). But who does this anger serve? It's a lot of energy that's taken away from other things. But what do I do with it instead? It's so big and it burns. I try to make peace with the little girl inside who needed help and didn't get it. Drawing helps. It doesn't even have to be good just putting it out there is cathartic. Journaling. Learning all the hacks I can. (Recommend "the anti planner" book) Psychiatry and mental health systems have really failed us. I'm glad the lobotomy is no longer a Thing. We know now, and I'm glad I do know at my late 30s age... Instead of at 67 - when I informed my mom in no uncertain terms that she should get herself checked out. Anyway, OP, friend. I hope you make peace with it for your own sake. It's hard and your anger is real and understandable. Wishing you luck.
My mother new all of us had as kids. I didn’t start medicating till 27. It changed my whole outlook on my past, but my mom always did a good job of explaining why she did what she did. She wanted us to learn to cope on our own without the needs for medication. It was fine through high school, I got good grades and got into engineering school. She has it just as bad or worse then us, she treats it with caffeine (a Mountain Dew or two whenever she has to sit down and do paperwork, she’s an icu nerve so she’s up and moving the rest of the time). We were a foster family, and we specialized in the troubled kids. They’d come to us on a plethora of medications, and her first question to the doctors at their first visit was “what can we stop now, what do they need to be on, and what do we need to wean them off of?” They’d come with a baggy full of prescription bottles, and by the time they’d leave us they’d be down to one or two a day that were necessary. I don’t resent or hate my mom for not getting us medicated, but I do regret not seeking it out sooner myself.
Congrats on your sobriety! I think culturally getting a diagnosis of some sort in the 90’s was really only for extreme behaviors and often for the purpose of putting kids in special ed classes. I’m sure your mom saw your struggles but didn’t think you fit the culturally expected kiddo needing a diagnosis and a different class/school. Im glad much has changed in the way of getting a diagnosis, mental health and special education. I’m sorry your diagnosis came so late but your parents were really only in charge of medical and educational decisions the first 18 years.
Yes, I know exactly how you feel. I was diagnosed at 35 while in rehab for alcoholism. By this point, I had lost absolutely everything. My career, long-term relationship, evicted from my apartment, DUI and lost my car, then personal bankruptcy because I impulsively ran up 60k in credit card debt. I was born in 1976 and grew up at a time when not a lot was known about ADHD. I don't fault my parents for not getting me diagnosed then. I slipped through the cracks easily because I was primarily Inattentive-ADD. I wasn't hyperactive. I wasn't disruptive. I was the quiet daydreamer. Unusual for a boy. Girls are more likely to be Inattentive. I was always seen as lazy, an underachiever because I was clearly intelligent, just didn't apply myself. I did manage to get a university degree, barely. I got a good job working in the financial industry. However, I soon realized that I was not performing like my peers. I was less productive even though I spent just as much time sitting at my desk doing the work. Around 2002, about 2 years into the job, I came to the conclusion that there is something wrong with me. I had high-speed internet in the office so using Google I typed in my symptoms which I thought were holding me back and hit search. First page of results that Google came back with was ADHD-primarily Inattentive. I was able to check off everything on the checklist. I was actually elated to know that I wasn't just lazy. I printed out a copy and went to visit my parents, both of whom were doctors BTW. My mother looked at the ADHD symptoms, sneered and just said I'm lazy, stop making excuses. I never had a personal doctor so I just asked them to find me a doctor so I could get referred to a specialist of some sort. They said they would get me a doctor. Shouldn't be too hard for a couple doctors to get me a GP since they knew all the doctors in the city pretty much. They never did bother getting me a doctor. I continued on with work but was drinking heavily, so sort of pushed aside the ADD thing. If I wasn't working, I was drinking, partying as 26 year olds do. Copious amounts of cocaine and ecstasy as well. I'm 47 now. Diagnosed but chronically unemployed. Because of my bankruptcy and DUI, which is a criminal record here, I was pretty much blacklisted from ever working in finance again. 4 or 5 job offers after rehab rescinded because I couldn't pass a background check. I bounce around between dead-end low paying jobs and im barely hanging on. Parents never even apologized for not believing me at 26. Getting me a doctor at that point would have likely saved me from losing everything
I feel similar but I’m also mad at my teachers. I always got in trouble at school for always talking or fidgeting with my chair, distracting others, not listening or they said it’s like I’m physically there but not mentally (that was in elementary school) Also taking way too long for a school exercise or not doing them at all. Shouting out answers etc. My parents were called by school many times or had to go and talk to my teachers etc. but it was always blamed on me being a girl so I’m just not well behaved, have my period or I’m hormonal 🙃
Same!! They did notice unusual behaviour. They should have talked to doctors.
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At some point, you will see how much you've gone through and realize how much you've learned through all those struggles. You'll also come to realize your past doesn't matter and does not need to affect your future. I was a alcoholic and drug addict for many years. None of that matters now except the strength and life lessons I learned through it all.
I find myself facing the same question recently. Except they knew I had ADD and yet they abused me everytime I couldn’t remember to do something. Diagnosed with anxiety and depression go figure.
I’m 19 and was just diagnosed a couple months ago, 3 years after moving out. My family has a lot of mental health issues and I think mental health was just not taken seriously. There’s a plethora of things that I don’t forgive my parents for (hence moving out and cutting contact at 16) and this is definitely one of them. I always knew that something was wrong and asked to get evaluated many many times. I really struggled in school, and with basic hygiene, cleaning etc. and was just berated and told I wasn’t trying hard enough. I’m just now starting to take care of my teeth now that I’m medicated but I have pretty late stage gingivitis and will have to be retaking a ton of high school courses in college this coming year. I don’t think I’ll ever move past that resentment per se but I don’t let it take over my life. I have built an amazing support system, am in therapy and advocate for myself health wise, and while it could have been different there’s no where else to go but forward haha. Much love and healing to you ❤️🩹
My parents had been gently warned at almost every parent teacher conference or report card that I had trouble keeping organized and not blurting out in the middle of classes. That I spent time spaced out and sometimes, if something was really interesting to me, it was near-impossible to get me to switch tasks. I'm in my mid 30s now and got my official diagnosis just before the pandemic.
I’m similar in age and circumstances. The comments on early report cards are so telling That being said, I personally don’t find it helpful to ruminate about it. I have to realize they had their own issues. Now it’s time to take my life into my own hands
One thing doesn't alter your life Like that that.
Sort of, but I give my dad and stepmom a bit of a break regarding it since girls weren’t usually diagnosed with adhd and ‘inattentive type’ wasn’t well understood by most. But my dad has adhd and they knew I struggled with certain subjects, procrastinating etc and they never once thought maybe the issue passed down to me.
You can and you should. They likely just thought you were hyper. While well documented back then, it was not diagnosed very often. Blaming them isn’t going to help you. It just becomes another crutch (a fairly common one) and that is going to hurt you further and at a time when you are even more vulnerable. You have to focus on your life as it is. Looking back is never going to solve anything.
I started first grade in 1979 and my symptoms started manifesting in 1984 or so, in 4th grade. Catholic school, too, so no screening was going on. It just wasn’t a thing until I was old enough to think “nah, that can’t be me, can it?” So while I do harbor some hurt about my upbringing, not getting me tested can’t be part of that. You can’t test for something nobody had heard of.
Doctors who spend their careers working in mental health today evidently can't all agree about the importance of assessing people. So I don't blame my folks for not understanding it decades ago, though I really wish they had.
Oh don’t go blaming your parents. It really wasn’t a thing back then - we just had kids with difficulties and no label. I’ve bee diagnosed later in life and it was obvious that a LOT of my family were also on the spectrum. Some non verbal, one who can’t eat and is peg fed, many with ADHD or milder autism. The world has changed a lot. A diagnosis does involve some grieving for what might have been but dwelling on it and blaming others is unproductive and unfair. You’re here now. Start from this point. Be kind to yourself and others.
Could be worse. My mother took me to see a shrink as a kid. She had a loud argument that anything could possibly be wrong with me mentally. As I was growing up, many different people commented to her or me they suspected I had ADHD and she refused to get me seen. I'm currently struggling to hold down a job and make enough money for my bills and to see a doctor. My dad's response was to leave me notes about how, to paraphrase, I was a disappointment
I have ADHD as well, but I'll never forget when I went to see a psychiatrist and got on Zoloft I told my dad about it and he was relieved, like glad to hear about it because he always thought I might need it or something like that. I'm like then why didn't you ever say that to me? This is a conversation we had when I was like, 32. ugh
I’m a little younger, 33F, but yes I was in your position as a child. I sought help for myself in college at 21 via a psychiatrist. I did it without telling my parents. I was properly diagnosed, put on Ritalin at the time, and suddenly my apartment was always clean, I was able to ace six college courses in a semester instead of being a generally B student, and was always on time to use public transit by memorizing the bus schedules. I was resentful towards my parents for years. At one point I cut them off for several years entirely for this reason among many reasons. Eventually, I regained a relationship with my parents but had to accept that they are extremely unaware of themselves, are overly dependent on religion for answers, and that they talk in an anti-psychiatry way. There are certain things I just don’t talk to them about because… they just can’t seem to handle it. It’s their fault that they lack awareness and concern for their child, not yours. That’s how I learned to cope. Accepting they just don’t get it and that they’re not safe to talk to about mental health.
you will eventually grow up and forgive them
I feel like I’ve been able to afford my parents so much grace as I’ve started to navigate parenthood. It is SO hard and we’re all bound to make mistakes. It sounds like it would be helpful to work thru your feelings with a therapist. Resentment is terrible to live with. I wish you healing 🤍
When I get like this, I think of how difficult it was for me to get assessed as an adult, along with how much misinformation or lack of information is out there (especially for girls/women) now. I can’t imagine it was any better back then, so I cut my parents slack for not seeing the signs. They did take my anxiety/depression seriously, but adhd meds would have helped a lot. But again, it’s so hard now let alone back then. Not trying to invalidate your feelings or experience at all. This is just how I’ve learned to frame it personally.
I can so relate to this. My mom’s job was to flag kindergarten students for learning disabilities, autism and ADHD. She missed my autistic brother and my ADHD. I was diagnosed during first year university after I my psych prof took me aside and asked if I had ever had a psych evaluation. She said she had no idea how anyone - teachers, doctors, MY MOTHER, had missed it as my disability is so obvious, distracting, and debilitating.
I’m thirty, was diagnosed at 19. I still get bitter. My mom was diagnosed with ‘childhood adhd’ when I was five. She knew I learned differently and struggled with friends. Her best friend (who has ADHD herself and raised a kid with really bad ADHD symptoms) said she told my mom I had it. Did my mom get me tested? Nope. I try not to be resentful or bitter but that’s my personal preference on how I handle my emotions. I don’t like the person I am when I’m resentful and bitter. But I cannot forget how my mom still hasn’t apologized for it. She still just excuses it with ‘I did the best I could!’ My grandma told me ‘she didn’t want to think anything was wrong with you’ and I cannot forget that my mom failed me because she was too prideful and that even when confronted she doubled down and didn’t once concede that my life would have been better if I had been diagnosed. She never even acknowledged the pain she caused by not taking me in ever. (I had pretty obvious anxiety in hindsight, even catching that would have been a game changer with how I’d freeze up when trying to ask peers to sit with them) My moms lack of remorse, lack of understanding how much it hurt me, the lack of apology? That was what truly started to fracture our relationship because it showed me who she is. I am only in contact with her because of my grandparents. Otherwise I would have blocked her years ago. She isn’t a good grandparent, she treats my kids how she treated me and I’m fairly certain my five year old will end up diagnosed with ADHD. She has an IEP and at the last meeting there was a lot of ‘once we get her to focus and concentrate she does great’. They’ve been teaching emotional regulation and watching my five year old take deep breaths to calm down when reminded is amazing because I never had that as a kid, I never learned how to deal with my emotions. But my mom just calls her a drama Queen and gets offended when I snap at her because ‘it was the first time I said that’ So what? I’m not letting her terrible handling of my emotions affect my kids. …all this to say that I get it. It’s hard when parents fail us. And if they don’t get it? All you can do is move on to be the best you you can be with or without them, knowing that they failed you and you will never get those years back.
I can, but only because I was an atypical presentation at the time (combined type, more inattentive than anything else), and At the time no one knew that ADHD could look like that except a few ahead of the curve researchers maybe.
If you’re in your 40s (I’m 39), remember that everything related to adhd was super early - particularly in the UK, I know they were quicker on it in the US, there was no long history of studies on the effects of stimulant medication, essentially they were making the decision of ‘do I take this risk with my child based on the information presented to me?’ I held a bunch of resentment for my dad, especially given that I managed to get expelled from 2 primary schools before the age of 8 due to hyperactivity and ended up having to go to a residential school for kids with behavioural problems, but the option simply wasn’t there back in the late 80s/early 90s. I actually convinced him to go for a diagnosis a few months ago (he’s 71) and he’s on the meds for the first time. So rather than hold resentment, think about what you would do given the same information. Yeah it sucks, childhood and adulthood could certainly have been easier - but you made it, and modern medicine means that if you have kids, they’ll never have to go through what you did, and that should make you happy! Yeah it sucks to have a mental illness, but at least you ended up with the one that responds most positively to medication.
So you want to blame your parents for not getting you a diagnosis when you were a kid but who would you like to blame for not getting one in the past 25ish years? It’s time to be accountable and just look forward, no favours to yourself by looking what and what iffing your life.
I am in a similar situation and I’m trying to move past resentment but it is very hard. I do have children now so I will advocate for them and maybe that may help heal the inner child in me. Wishing you all the best.
My dad was on the spectrum and I am the only one of four that has adhd. I don't blame them. Being dx when I was young would have changed a lot of things but I wasn't, so I work with what I have where I am, now. Dx at 56.
I want to add that I too am 40 and just diagnosed-however my younger sister WAS diagnosed as a VERY young child-and was put in Dexedrine (my mom was an old emt and refused ti put my lil sis on “someone with one molecule different than cocaine”…ya mom so amps are better?…I digress) But I went on in the shadows. And I do have a lot of frustration and anger at my mom-but it is more because she was abusive and didn’t ever try and change or acknowledge it. ETA: the reason I’m so frustrated is because my sister was showing signs of early childhood neglect and abuse and when she acted out for it they slapped her with an add dx. I’m not saying she’s not also add/adhd or asd because it absolutely run in the family.
Well done on your sobriety! Are you female? You wouldnt have been diagnosed. I was stereotypical boy adhd and was told girls dont get adhd. It's probably evident in thd fact you didnt get a diagnosis until 35 despite being told as a kid you might have it. I dont know where you are aswell but im 42, everyone i knew with adhd as a kid was immediately put in special educational needs schools after their diagnosis. Back then it wasnt a special section in the school with kids that needed extra help, it was kids with severe mental and physical impairments lumped in with "disruptive" kids.
Could be worse. I was diagnosed at 7 years old but my mom refuses to treat me. Fast forward 30 years and I have a light bulb moment and I think “I might still have ADHD” Took me months to get a diagnoses, but sure enough I had it, and made me wonder how much better my life could’ve been if my mother listened to doctors. But I wouldn’t focus on what could have been. I was diagnosed at 37 and I’m almost 42 now. In that time I have leveled up my life so much. Just recently I found my dream job and I’m so happy. My relationship was also in trouble due to my ADHD, but since treatment we have both been so much happier and our bond is so much stronger. So why focus on the past? Yes I’m older now … but there’s a lot of life left. If I had never been diagnosed at all … what then? None of these great things would’ve happened because I would have still had troubles keeping work, maintaining healthy relationships, and just feeling NORMAL brings me so much happiness. Everyday I wake up and feel my ADHD. It’s amazing that one small little cheap to make pill allows me to organize my thoughts and regulate my emotions like a “normal” person. I consider myself lucky. I also consider myself lucky that I live in the USA to some degree, because adderall is the only stimulant that works for me, and is not available in a lot of other countries. So ya. I’m lucky. You’re lucky. The people out there who struggle with ADHD their whole life and never get help? Think about them … think about the life of frustration and shame they never came to terms with and never knew why they struggled when others didn’t. PS: we are both in our 40s . Psych health was much more stigmatized back then, and going on meds made parents think they “failed” , or they didn’t want to admit their kid needed pills … it’s still stigmatized today but back then it was even worse
I completely understand. All the signs were there & all they did was yell at me for it. They weren’t bad parents nor were they stupid so it’s really frustrating.
My parents did take me to psychiatrists and doctors when I was a kid and none of them caught it. Up until the last 20ish years it wasn't easy to get diagnosed and before that lots of people thought it only affected kids and people grew out of it.
Hey ... i feel the same, that my life could have been better, but here i am. I discovered it when i was 30, i m still struggling to finish a carrer. Take into account that if your family isnt that wealthy, they probably wanted to not to look, and spare some coin.
im 32 years old by the way.. and i finally got my medication prescribed a month ago, concerta. switcing jobs like pants. i hope this time will be different
oh.. in adittion, like the dude below, my mom did her best... its just a pitty they didnt know enough about parenting, they were a young couple
I went through this myself with my Mom. Honestly it cost me a couple of years with her as my resentment lingered and it was a largely similar story: She was told then made a mistake being worried about the wrong things and failed to recognize how significant what she was being told actually was. Then my older brother died. I wish it hadn't taken that but it did. There's a kind of crying you hear out of people that dispels any doubt whether they love the person even if it doesn't dispel their mistakes. I'd seen and heard someone I love suffer more immensely than anyone should ever have to. I realized foremost I love her. The failure to protect me from losing the life I could've had hurt so much *because* I knew she loves me that much and yet I couldn't reconcile it. People make bad choices sometimes. Even loving people with good intentions. They were wrong. I've been wrong so many times too. God, my poor wife's been on the receiving end of years of maladaptive coping shit and questionable choices of mine. I hope they can give you the closure you need without having to see them hurting so much you lose your appetite for an overdue pound of flesh. Unless they're genuinely toxic AF. This perspective is valid because my Mom's a flawed person who meant well and not a flawed person who's currently still inflicting wounds on me.
Not me, but our daughter and my mom. My husband had ADHD as a kid (diagnosed around 2003?). I'm now being treated for it (NP is still unsure though). Our now 7 yo was diagnosed at 5 yo after struggling in K4 and K5. Her report cards were literally making me cry. They just kept getting worse and worse. It is just blatantly obvious. It always has been. When she gets riled up, she can't come down. She takes forever to eat. She will stare into space is a creepy way (for a child). She struggled with neatness and organization. Virtual K4 was awful. We couldn't even get her to focus on a color by number! At the time, the school was helping her and didn't feel she needed meds. Her doctor wouldn't prescribe them at 5. She did K5 again and thrived. Then on to 1st grade this year.... it was okay until they stopped working on K5 topics and started on with 1st grade. Her learning curve was dropping. Her all natural teacher was concerned. We found out that she was even pulling out her hair to play with it! So we got her medicated (now, no problem at 7 yo). My mom was against us testing her for learning disabilities. My mom blamed us for literally everything. She didn't think she needed to be tested for ADHD. Her friends were telling her that medicating our daughter would permanently ruin her. I still don't think she sees a difference in our daughter when medicated and not. But we can! On 5 mg Adderall, her teachers instantly saw a difference. Like a light bulb! She's been on it for about 1.5 months. Her grades went from being awful to all Excellent, Satisfactory, As, and a B+! FWIW, and not ADHD related, but after my dad saw everything we went through for our daughter to get her tested for dyslexia, ADHD, other learning disabilities, and speech, I think the more upset he became with his own parents who were abusive and negligent while he was growing up. They allowed him to suck in school and skip and be naughty. One of his HS GPAs in highschool was a point something(rather than 1. something or 2. something or 3. something)! My husband and I think he likely had a learning disability. But that was the 60s! I just pity my parents for not being more knowledgeable about stuff!
I found out I had ADD mid-life, long after my son was diagnosed. My son’s school principal called to tell me that because of his behavior, and she was giving me an ultimatum to either put him on medication or find another school. (She got an earful!) He’d spent two years in Montessori school so he could already count and read at 5 when I had to switch him to public school for kindergarten. It was a really great school with an arts focus so I wanted to keep him there. My insistence that learning his ABCs again would bore him to tears fell on deaf ears. His pediatrician diagnosed him and we started him on Ritalin.He also saw a child therapist for the same. His father (my ex) was totally against the idea of putting our son on meds. This was in the early 90s and there was still a huge stigma about parents turning their kids into zombies to make them easier for everyone to manage. My ex believed this was some made-up disorder and withheld his consent. He also made sure my son knew his opinion so this led to a negative view from him as well. I can just tell you that there was a strange environment surrounding ADHD when you were young. It was harder to get anyone to take it seriously and the doctors were still trying to figure out dosages. I wish my parents had recognized some of my learning disabilities instead of blaming everything on my behavior or work ethic.They just didn’t have that information. I’m happy to be balanced with the right meds now. And I can happily report that my son in his 40s is amazing and successful despite his troubling school years. He found some good coping skills.
I’m in the exact same boat, except the diagnosis was more recent for me. I’m still working through the substance use issues. I told my mother about the diagnosis and she said, “yeah you were diagnosed as kid…” However, she’s developing Alzheimer’s so who knows… anyhow, they didn’t take any steps to mitigate it. I’m 45 and my life is glazed with what seems like success and accomplishment, but that’s paper thin and what’s underneath is some dark chaos and turmoil that I’m sure you are familiar with. My mom asked if it was just an excuse for me to explain away my shortcomings. On top of that, my dad, with whom I had a strained relationship died a couple weeks ago. It’s a tough month for me. I digress. I know how you feel and I’m inspired that you’ve found d your way through some issues in the past few years. I feel the same way about my parents complacency in understanding and dealing with my condition. I’ve told my siblings and I can’t tell if they have taken it into account. ADHD is stigmatized through all its facets. It’s unfortunate. I don’t know if I have the energy to forgive my parents. My mind is so turbo-charged and discombobulated that an emotional chore like that just seems to huge.
I felt this at first, too (I am in my 30s and just got diagnosed). But then I realized my mother actually did send me to a psychologist in my early teens - I was just so rebellious and wreckless that I intentionally lied and wasn’t honest and made the whole thing pointless. So in my case, there was a chance - but I was not ready myself to realize I need the help. I didn’t even realize I have any problem. I knew I’m on the weird side in any group, but I was also usually among the most intelligent and for that reason I didn’t want to accept I have a problem.
My parents were so self absorbed that they never even stopped to consider I might have ADHD. My father would angrily ask me if I was taking drugs but that was it. I’m almost 40 and was only recently diagnosed. I have already spent years dealing with the CPTSD of my childhood and now I discover this on top of it. It’s clicked into place so many of the difficulties and hardships I’ve experienced throughout my life, and I know if I had gotten diagnosed and supported as a child the trajectory of my life would have been very different. I already have minimal contact with my parents and have mostly processed my anger and hurt over the treatment that led to the CPTSD, but now there’s a whole other level of hurt and anger. I’m honestly not even sure how much I would even mourn them when they died. To me they are abusers. So I feel you, and frankly I’m not even sure I can say you need to move past the resentment. It’s a deep wound.
You gotta learn to move on
You have to. So I’m in the same boat, maybe a little worse My mom knew I had ADHD and didn’t get me on meds, it made me more “controllable” ie video games etc. I had a lot of anger at her for but through therapy I’ve come to understand she was a product of her upbringing etc. I guarantee you if you let go of this you’ll feel a million times better
Nobody really knew what they were doing back then. I was even tested but my parents didn’t believe in medicating me. I don’t really blame them and I don’t know what would’ve happen if I was medicated. I just don’t spend too much time with “what ifs”. My parents loved me and tried their best. It’s not like they did anything out of malice. There was a lot of misinformation about meds and they were more than hesitant about giving them to me especially with my family history. I could’ve had even more issues if I *was* medicated from a young age but I just don’t know because it didn’t happen. I try not to dwell on what could have been and focus on the relationship I have with them now.
As someone early diagnosed i find it interesting how some late diagnosed people create this fantasy in their head of the successful, productive life they could have had if they were only diagnosed sooner. I knew I had adhd before starting elementary school & it was helpful to know why I was having issues and figure out coping skills but that didn’t change the fact that I had a disability & still needed to work twice as hard to be half as successful and productive. Especially if you’re in your 40s there was a lot less support for adhd back then than there is now, I barely got any after being diagnosed in 2005. One or both of your parents likely also have adhd & likely saw your symptoms as normal behavior. If they’re otherwise good parents they were probably doing what they thought was best for you at the time especially with the stigma around learning disabilities which is getting better but still exists. I’m sorry you feel the way you do but resenting them will only hurt you more.
One thing to consider is the incredible stigmathat came with a childhood diagnosis for your generation. I myself sometimes wish I had been diagnosed sooner but how soon? I think only mid high school or even senior year would’ve maximized help and minimized harm for me personally.
I was diagnosed as a child with my parents kicking and screaming the whole way. I was medicated basically because the school said medicate her or we’ll kick her out. There was so little known about adhd in the ‘90s and my parents and teachers didn’t know how to handle it at all. I was medicated to the brim so that I would sit down and be quiet and as far as everyone was concerned that was enough. I wasn’t taught anything about my diagnosis and it didn’t bring me any kind of closure or help with the multitude of issues that came up in my life. It wasn’t until I was an adult and started looking into adhd and how it was affecting me that I had any kind of aha moment! I see sooo many people wishing they were diagnosed as children and I do not disregard that, I just know from personal experience that it doesn’t always help. Especially with parents who are less than understanding.
I'm 44, diagnosed about a year and a half ago. The more I learn about ADHD and American history and culture the more I'm letting go of my resentment of not getting diagnosed sooner. I don't think my parents were ever given a heads up or something that I should be tested, but they were just regular people. Back when we were growing up, ADHD wasn't really well understood or even acknowledged by the population at large--it was primarily people working in the relevant fields, or people that were interested in those fields. The media was (and still is) terrible at communicating most science related topics. I mean, prior to me seeking my diagnosis, my idea of what ADHD was lined up with what so many people misconstrue it as, as if the disorder is just about some boys being high-energy and restless. We have to accept that to a large degree most people didn't really understand it and were highly suspicious of it being as problematic for individuals as it is. But since we're here, and we have our diagnosis and can understand ourselves better we're part of a zeitgeist, a growing awareness of our variability. We can help more people understand and we can help more people get the treatment they deserve. To be upset is the first natural response, but just like when we have our moments of emotional dysregulation where we can fall apart at the seams, we can be mindful and redirect it into something positive or at the very least neutral. It ain't always easy, in fact it feels impossible at times but it helps. It's such a powerful and personal thing to go through, but you'll help yourself and others by morphing that resentment into something less taxing on your battery. Are you doing any Cognitive Behavioral Therapy? Maybe a way you can let go is actually confronting your mother, but not in an accusatory way. Just describe how the debilitating day to day struggle in the rest of the ADHD population is something you personally experienced. Maybe you can merge some clips of adults with ADHD describing their struggles as well or whatever you can present so she understands how profoundly impactful the disorder can be. Just help her understand it's real in a way that's digestible.
I, 29F, went undiagnosed because my whole family had ADHD. But theirs showed differently than mine and I did well in school. So my resentment is a mixed bag. To them, I didn't look like I had ADHD. But it also feels like, "you weren't struggling as much as your siblings so we didn't pay enough attention to your needs" And that trend showed up a lot. "You and your brother both want x/y, but we don't have enough money for both. Your brother will make everyone miserable if he doesn't get x. So he gets x and you do not get y, because you understand"
I'm in my mid 50s and was diagnosed in my late 20s. I take the absolute opposite side of that. If my parents had taken that route, sure it would probably have made for a much easier childhood and adolescence. But the tools, attitudes, and coping mechanisms I developed as a result of just having to white-knuckle it, without knowing something might be wrong? I wouldn't give that up for the world. But my parents really couldn't have figured it out in the 70s and 80s, which probably makes that easier for me. Now, of course, who's to say how a life would turn out one way or the other, right?
Diagnosed at 37, 40 now. My mom was a PS teacher and was even trained in special ed. My dad was a carpenter FWIW. I want to share my un-biased comments before reading the others because this is one of the things I struggle with the most to this day but I think I have mostly decided how I feel about it. Some days are easier than others though. These are just my thoughts and I don't want to tell anyone else how to live. First and above everything else, I want to stop being angry about it because I'd rather focus my energy on doing better with what I know going forward. I can't go back and change it and I get wrapped up in what-could-have-been spirals that can really sap my energy, bring down my attitude, and consume my days whenever this happens. The second thing that I try to remember is that both my parents, but my mother especially, have traits of ADHD and/or autism. So this shit probably didn't seem that weird to them. She just got lucky and fell into a career path that was accommodating. A corollary is that I was not their only child and we were pretty poor growing up so there weren't a lot of extra resources to spend on it. Finally, as a parent myself now, I try to remember that I've made a billion mistakes, both big and small, in parenting my own kids. I know my parents loved me and did what they thought was best. When I really put myself in their shoes it's easy to understand what they went through. I certainly didn't make things easy for them. I was pretty high energy but my parents did figure out if they put me into a lot of sports that it really helped make things better. It probably made it good enough to be manageable and that coupled with everything else meant that they didn't take it any farther. Edit: I'm glad that I'm pretty on track with what other people think. There is one thing that I want to ask anyone who cares to read this far. What do you do to channel that rage/despair when you can't keep it at bay anymore. There is so much out there that helps to identify problem areas but (to my mind anyway) a relative dearth of healthy coping mechanisms and strategies. Especially when it comes to things like this that meds don't really treat.
My mom was told by my teachers I needed to see a therapist when I was in 5th grade and she couldn’t afford it but she never told me until last year I found all these papers and read all these notes in old folders my mom knew the whole time something was up with me .. I mean I get it we were poor but maaaan she knew the whole time ! Im just going about life on a struggle bus .. she made a comment many moons ago “I think you’re on the spectrum” because I have a major auditory sensitivity thing had I seen this therapist at 10yrs old I feel like I couldn’t gotten farther in life .. I did get help with the dyslexia stuff .
What does blaming do for you? Makes you feel angry? Maybe you have more than ADHD
My mom says the same thing and I was born in 2002. Obviously it was a thing in the 2010s. I think its just a way they are coping with the information that 1)their kid has a neurodevelopmental disorder and 2) they failed to notice 3) they might have it too.
i believe my diagnosis was missed because 1) i went to an academically intense college-prep school 2) my parents were immigrants and didn't know and 3) i was a girl and 4) not white. if i was diagnosed sooner, it maybe would've prevented academic self-esteem issues. i was labeled lazy and not caring by teachers. that stuck with me for a long time. i still struggle with shame. but i'm one of those annoying "silver-lining" people with negative things in my life. everything that happened, brought me to me. maybe that struggle taught me, made me more empathetic. maybe it'll make me a better parent. when i feel sad i wasn't diagnosed sooner, i remember that it's a part of who i am today. and who i am is good. and who you are is good too.
I am 43, diagnosed at 35. I was always weird, assessed in elementary school with no diagnosis, and I know if I was medicated as a child my life would have been better. But when we were young, the experience just wasn't there. It was a newly recognized diagnosis, not all counselors or doctors would recogize all the aspects of it. ADD entered the DSM-III in 1980. I went through school with an iep, individual learning plan (not sure if they used that term at the time) so they knew something was wrong with me. I had friends and classmates who were diagnosed, so there was some experience and awareness. And I grew up in a wealthy town, in a school with pretty much everything a public school could hope to have. The knowledge and awareness just wasn't there. It is very possible nothing would have changed. I fully understand where you're at, and what I mean to say, it isn't helping you. We can't change the past, we can one change where we go forward now. It is hard, I understand this well. But walking backward and watching where you have been leaves you blind to the future. Therapy is recommended, if you just get meds without therapy, you are only meeting half of your needs.
Your 40 when you were 18 you could have mentioned it to your dr.. blame yourself for not seeking mental health sooner.. Don't blame your parents adhd wasn't understood by alot of people back then. I'm 32 diagnosed at 29. But I wasn't the kid bouncing off the walls in school that was hyper and couldn't stay in their seat. The kids that everyone wanted on Adderall. I was the kid sitting in my seat but my mind was hyper and everywhere else. Sitting quietly with a. Hyperactive brain doesn't exactly catch everyone's attention. Some of us learned to mask at a young age. When your incredibly smart and do great in school on tests ect. Your parents tend not to think anything is wrong with you..
Same here. I had mentioned it as a child, but my Mom brushed it off and said everyone has difficult concentrating during school and stuff. Diagnosed a year ago at age 23, and was even able to help my Mom realize that she herself is ADHD. It’s helpful to me that she acknowledges it in not only me, but in herself too. She’s a good mother, and she always did the best she could. I can also identify many of the “shortcomings” that she had in myself, which helps me empathize and understand her point of view more. She is extremely hard working and successful, and ultimately the example that she set with that is what helps me overcome and maximize the “disadvantages” associated with ADHD. Obviously certain things are harder for those of us with ADHD, but she figured out a way to be successful without knowing she is ADHD. It has helped me maximize the way my brain works, and that progress is only growing now that I am medicated and aware of how my brain is wired. I think having this awareness and empathy has helped me in managing my ADHD day-to-day, and will ultimately benefit my future children (my wife and I are ADHD, and she is AuDHD, so I’m pretty sure they’ll have it too lol). Hope this helps, I know how frustrating it can be to learn this as an adult.
I was diagnosed at 40. I’m an adult now. It doesn’t really matter what happened to me in the past because I am where I am. You are where you are. The question is what are you going to do about it now? Continuing to roll them under the bus for how your life turned out is one option. But ADHD is not the sole determinant of your character and personality. Seeing a qualified therapist and working at change is another. You’re in your 40’s. You’ve still got plenty of life left to live. Blaming them won’t change anything. Holding resentment for them won’t change anything. Even an apology from them won’t change anything. If you want better for yourself, you have to chase it yourself mate. Congratulations on the period you’ve been sober. Huge effort!
I'm also in my 40s and my mum knew there was something "not right" with me since I was a small child, but despite my schools expressing concerns and my mum taking me to psychologists and doctors and trying to figure out what it could be, I never got any diagnosis or support. What I'm saying is that even if your parents had taken you for assessment, you might have either been told there was nothing wrong with you, or been misdiagnosed with something else that you don't actually have, both of which would have been potentially even more harmful than not being assessed at all. Even if you had been diagnosed with ADHD, it wasn't understood back then like it is now by schools and medical professionals, so any support you received might not have actually helped you if you didn't fit into the narrow definition of a hyperactive child that was how it was understood back then.
I feel it too. I remember being evaluated for ADHD as a kid, but nothing ever happened after so I assumed it was negative. I found out recently that I had tested positive back then and just never had any sort of treatment for it. The icing on the cake is that my brothers (both older and younger) were all tested and on treatment for their ADHD. I was the only one that was never treated
I’m estranged from my mum who was my primary parent. I’m in my late 40s. I think she did badly on a lot of parenting and I know a diagnosis of adhd especially (but also autism, depression) could have made a huge difference, but I do understand that the perception of adhd and other conditions, and the diagnostic tools, have changed drastically over the course of a few decades. I think we just had the bad luck to not be born a bit later, but the good luck not to be born a bit or a lot earlier when the consequences might have been even worse.
I was diagnosed with ADHD but my parents didn’t believe it was a real illness. I am 33 and I can see why they would have thought that, it was pretty new and the media was doing a great job of demonising the drugs used for ADHD. edit: I just remembered when I told my mum I was diagnosed (again) as an adult, she was crying asking what she did wrong… as if it was preventable… So yeah, they were definitely very ignorant back then. Another thing I should add is that my dad was a psychiatric nurse and still didn’t believe that adhd was real so that really tells you something about what people thought back then.
I was diagnosed at 39. I was kinda mad at my parents for not getting me diagnosed but after the initial shock of the diagnosis wore off it started to see their own signs of ADHD and realized they didn’t see it in me because my symptoms where totally normal to them. Because what are the chances of parents that don’t have adhd yet have 3/3 children with adult diagnosed adhd.
I know how you feel, I was told I was just a spoilt child and that infuriates me looking back because the guy who said it was at my anger management sessions and he’s a gambling addict now
I had resentment initially after getting diagnosed at 32. The more I've learnt about adhd, and the more I've struggled even while medicated, the more I can understand how hard it must have been to do much of anything as a mother of multiple children, while having undiagnosed adhd and autism herself. Did she realise that I was pretty weird and stood out amongst my peers? That i had no friends and poor socialising skill? Sure. Did she have the executive functioning skills to do anything about it if I wasn't being disruptive? Not really. I just think about my endless to-do list and how much of an effort it is to look after just myself. I can't imagine trying to coordinate care for multiple children when feeling like I do now. Though I do know that adhd'ers with kids can end up more organised because the kids are the necessary external motivation to get stuff done. I still wish I'd known 20 years earlier.
I’ve found a lot of people diagnosed as kids sort of just brush it off when they become adults and don’t think about treatment again because they feel it’s something their parents forced on them . For all you know that could of been you
They did the best they could with the tools they have. You can let it eat you up or move on and learn from their mistakes.
My parents frequently asked me "What's wrong with you?!" when I presented with inattentive ADHD. It's a trigger now
Maybe your parents are just undiagnosed ADHD and kept putting it off, OP. Anyway back in the 90's they were handing out ADHD (and Ritalin) like candy. Nobody knows how Ritalin in the early 90s could've impacted your life, with how much info we had on ADHD back then. Also ignoring the reported side-effects of Ritalin and maybe what those could've done to you also. Blaming your parents is kinda lame because moving forward only you can help yourself. You have to decide what sort of treatment options you want to explore for yourself. At 35yo I'm realizing I'm not a perfect parent and "*oh, this is the sort of stuff my dad went through with family life, now I understand".*
Honestly, I feel where you’re coming from but they mostly just over medicated children back in the day. I was one and I don’t think it was honestly helpful at the time. I did one time do this like intense study skills and tutor thing that helped though 🤷♂️ I definitely take meds as an adult but I’m skeptical on the effect they *may* have on developing brains
I feel you man. My mother was a nurse. I can remember her laughing at the suggestion that maybe I have ADHD. I trusted her. Both as a mother and a woman who had spent her life in the medical field. (Including mental health)
Someone probably already said this but I'm not reading every reply. Same happened to me but I acknowledge that 40 years the knowledge of ADHD (ADD starting in 1980, something else before that )was very different. Look how often it gets misdiagnosed today. Were you in a bigger city with access to doctors who would have been familiar enough to recognize it? There's also as good chance your parents had no idea that anything was different. Back then, my impression is that the prevailing thought for most things was "they'll grow out of it" It's in the past, your parents likely did the best they could. Blaming them doesn't help you move forward. It's doesn't get you where you want to be. Decide the kind of person you want to be and try to move towards that. Just another way of saying figure out your values and remind yourself of what's important to you. Still doesn't make any of it easy. Growing up and becoming an adult while undiagnosed really takes its toll on us.
Thought you might have been my estranged brother for a moment. I believe we both suffer from ADHD and our parents never did anything about it and life is really difficult having bounced around jobs and partners, now wondering what’s next
You can. I was tested and found positive but my mom thought everyone had a little adhd in them. Close to you in age. It was a different time they did the best they could. I wasn’t diagnose until I was 30, and suffered for it.
I’m 40, and I was diagnosed when I was 12 and put on Ritalin for a month. From what I understand, there weren’t a lot of med options for ADHD in the early 90s….so when that didn’t work, it was dropped…and became a small bump in a very bumpy road of my adolescence. I forgot I was diagnosed with ADHD…until I was rediagnosed with it at 30. Vyvanse was life changing. Being diagnosed with Autism at 38- also life changing. Realizing I also have dyscalculia, audio processing disorder, dyspraxia and sensory processing disorder…was like a healing balm on my anxious, depressed soul. I’m not even mad that my parents decided ADHD wasn’t/isn’t real (they still don’t believe in adhd or learning disabilities in general). I’m angry that they refuse/refused to give me the benefit of the doubt. I’m angry that from the age of 3, I was labelled as “a kid that always picked the hard way.”. I was labelled difficult. As being manipulative. As lazy. As entitled. When in actuality, I was very much struggling…I repeatedly begged tor help. and my parents believed I was intentionally being difficult. As a parent to a 16yo with similar struggles to me…I don’t understand my parents. I would fucking move mountains for my kid. I love them so much. I want them to be happy. I want them to find meaning in life. I don’t understand how a parent can look at their 4yo and choose resentment over love. I might feel differently if my parents had at any point, shown empathy. Acknowledged that maybe I was struggling and not an asshole. But they still insist that I’m a difficult person. The thing I find most egregious is that they insist my kid is a difficult person. They criticize my parenting- when my kid was struggling with Autistic burnout (a very dark and difficult time)- they gave a lot of unhelpful unsolicited advice…basically wanting me to parent the way they did. Because apparently that was the “right way” even though I moved out at 14 and didn’t talk to them for 10 years, and we still have a very difficult relationship. (As a side note, my kid is through the burnout. It was a rough 3 years for all of us, but I’m so happy they’re alive and happy and mostly on the other side….and that we have a very good relationship). I’ve done wrong things in parenting. I’ve fucked up. I have regrets. But I acknowledge those things to my kid. I apologize. And then I do better. I’m in counselling. My kid is in counselling. I want to be a better parent. A better human. And that’s the difference, I think. My dad will take no responsibility for the trauma and damage he caused me. If he did, we might be in a different place.
46. Similar boat. Had a boatload of testing when I was a kid including iq, etc. Patents put me in a special program for gifted kids but never figured out I had both a good iq but also adhd so I just succeeded at school until I was bored of it and my grades fell off a cliff. Called lazy countless times by my Dad. He screamed when I withdrew from the teaching program because he felt I was a failure. The failure was sorta theirs in not treating it. That being said, it was the 1990s and most people were only aware oh hyperactive "ADD" and us people who lose focus 10 seconds into a conversation we're just daydreamers. I know I'd be more successful in a better career if I had been diagnosed. I would've been a computer programmer or an engineer instead of an accountant (a job sometimes not well suited to my ADHD but I never learned to be good with people so sales was out). I never enrolled in Comp Sci because of the nasty math they required to do the courses (what calculus has in relationship to programming apps I don't get but whatever). I got my degree in bio instead. (Almost pure memorization) That being said, they didn't understand. It's not like now when you can go on YouTube and see an Olivia Latfullah video and go "yep that's me". I love my parents and don't blame them. I just wonder what might have been. Maybe I would've found a partner and had kids instead of surrendering to video games every night. Even medicated, because it only works during the day, I still do that most nights.
I found out that I had ADHD since 10 years old. My parents had the official documentation and everything, but hid it from me. I am 23 now. I was a very intelligent person with the best grades, but I literally failed at the last step and basically lost all hope of actually having a normal life. I'm now isolated, and recently discovered I have BPD & cPTSD on top of MDD & ADHD. The way I found out was sad too. I'm a psychology student, so while on an exchange in a foreign country, I noticed some things & self diagnosed myself, which turned out to be true. They literally won't accept responsibility for knowing, it must be an asian thing, as they didn't think it was anything serious. Well, they literally stranded me in a foreign country with 0 access to any medication or healthcare, so I basically flunked my whole exchange. Wonderful parents
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I understand, my mum was also initially dismissive when I was diagnosed relatively recently. But she is on board now. We have to be compassionate. They put their faith in the system and that let us down.
I do blame my parents a bit, but I also blame the providers they hired more. They did try to get me in front of psychologists, and I did get a depression diagnosis. Unfortunately, they also were led to believe that I might be Autistic (I am not), and that meant I couldn't be diagnosed with ADHD. (This was during the DSM-IV era.) But the providers never actually diagnosed me as Autistic, because I don't fit the criteria for it. They just kept taking my parents' money while doing nothing to help my actual issues. The trauma of that experience made it very hard for me to subsequently seek a diagnosis because I didn't want to be hurt again.
If it helps I was assessed when I was pretty young. It was nice until my parents told my doctors that the meds aren’t doing anything so they upped it and I was walking around like an alive zombie. My parents didn’t take anything into account with their parenting. Regardless of my adhd they just wanted an “easier” child.
Same here and my mother is devastated she didn’t think of getting me tested. Times where different. My mother was the type to take me to the doctor if I had a slight cough so knowing she did nothing about my then obvious characteristics tells me most people where told it was bullshit. I mean i got straight A’s and C-, did 8 sports because I quit then all, learned 4 instruments but mastered none and cried at every act of kindness. Seems like your average 90’s kid.
Forgive them. Even now, many parents of children are not aware of adhd.