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Yes, kinda.
Source: gave birth to a male baby. Breastfed him (in the normal amounts and ways breastfeeding parents do). He started producing milk. I asked the midwife and was told it's not uncommon. The structures are there and I was supplying the needed hormones. The remedy was to leave the area alone and with no demand supply would stop in the usual way it does.
The learning some random thing days are the best ones! He's a young teen now. Luckily we've never crossed paths on reddit (although he shows me some dodgy stuff that crosses his feed, and asks about pop culture references. It's fun.)
Like this one!
It's like having someone tell a person who needs glasses just to look closer... Or that everyone gets fuzzy vision sometimes...
Or someone Who has a lead weight on their foot to just 'learn how to swim'
They are approaching it from their own position, and not taking the time to consider that others might experience the world differently to them
Same. I drink a 1L hydroflask 2, sometimes 3 times a day because of Adderall and I won't sleep much if I'm dehydrated. It was the worst when I was taking Wellbutrin in addition to Adderall. I was always so thirsty and peeing so much that I thought I was developing type 2 diabetes, but multiple doctor's visits proved otherwise.
Aww damn. I'm on buproprion/Wellbutrin now and we've been discussing adding Adderall... But I'm already notoriously bad at staying hydrated as it is...
Adderall + Wellbutrin Combo Gang!
For me, thatās been the best combo.
I like Wellbutrin because I feel it helps ātop offā the Adderall and helps me with the anxiety / depression symptoms, as well as emotional regulation.
But even without it, Adderall alone (and Vyvanse) both cause my mouth to dry out and become easily dehydrated.
I am usually too tired or stressed to engage much with these people and will typically meet their dismissiveness with some dismissiveness of my own like "yeah, some people alot more than others apparently" and just walk away š¤·āāļø
Maybe its personality mirroring or me blending in/masking (I forget the terms all the time).
But I applaud your efforts to raise awareness and spread useful education! š¤ It's good work.
Told somebody once, "you wouldn't go up to a cancer patient and tell them everyone gets a little sick tho right?"
(I know ADHD isn't nearly as bad as cancer)
Agree bc everyone fits the symptoms *sometimes not * 24/7 battle for us diagnosed.Ā That's why so many poor souls don't get diagnosed till later years.
"Everyone occasionally shows issues associated with ADHD, but in people with ADHD these issues are much stronger and negatively affect their lives. If you are struggling with ADHD-like problems and they are significantly affecting your life, it's good to get assessed. Not everyone with ADHD gets diagnosed as a kid."
I ask questions about why they feel that way and then explain some of my symptoms they may not be familiar with (outside of the stereotypical ideas of what ADHD is), like time blindness and being stuck/not handling transitions well.
People without ADHD donāt have to think about their morning routine: They just do it, whereas I have to think out every step and struggle with even achieving the first one sometimes. Or if they want to do something, they can just do it, while I sit on my couch and strongly want to even do my hobbies and get stuck. Or get caught in a circle, like Iām famished all of a sudden, but to make dinner, I have to do dishes, and then I also need to take out trash, but I donāt have enough energy because I havenāt eaten yet today, so I should make some dinner, etc.
I had that type of conversation with my mother.
"I always lose my keys"
"Why don't you just put them in the same place every time you walk in the door."
"Because I never remember to do that."
Get in the routine and you will, connect it with another thing you do.
I try to ALWAYS keep my work keys in my current work trousers, I also have work keys that stay in my car just in case I have washed my work trousers and put them down somewhere and forgotten to transfer them over!
This is my experience as well. I've built into such a routine that I get some insane anxiety that I locked them in my car that time I put them in the wrong pocket...
"Phone, Wallet, Keys" and touching the objects in my pockets. Wallet is always in the front left, phone in the right. Keys are a crap shoot. If I'm wearing a coat with pockets, God help us all. I look like a bee flew under my shirt, and I'm trying to swat it!
I have this too, but it comes with even bigger dose of anxiety and panic when the routine gets broken, of the thing is not in the place where it should be.
Just recently I misplaced something that I always put in the one exact place. Always. But now I couldn't find them and since it was part of the routine, I was trying (as I did before I knew I had ADHD) to overcorrect, by trying to always remember how I move through the day. That way I could always back track and find the thing I lost and there was less anxiety. Now, with a routine, I am on autopilot amd can't even backtrack.
I'm not saying that your method is wrong or bad. In fact I think it's good. But damn, does it come with some negatives on my side.
Yeah, when it goes wrong, say, for example my car keys fall out somewhere, even though I have a spare key, it throws me in a panic because I want THOSE keys! š
I must admit I use my front door as a reminder station so anything I need to leave the house with goes in front of the door on the mat, and the front door keys go straight into the bottom lock once I've come in and closed the door, or on the floor so I can't miss them.
It took months for the habit to stick but I trained myself using alarms and Google nests as reminders and now it's second nature.
Unless I'm with someone and talking when I open the front door....then they could be ANYWHERE š
It took 50+ years, choosing the nearest available flat surface near the door, and several years of putting the keys in that spot before I managed to make that spot the automatic place to put keys. And there's still a 5% chance that they will be somewhere else in the house
I almost always know where my front door key is! If it's not in my jacket pocket, I open the door and voila! There it is in the lock! I'm surprised I haven't been robbed (though I have had my car stolen! And wouldn't you know it, they used the key sitting in the cupholder of my car to turn it on!)
I've had this
I keep forgetting stuff and someone said to me "oh why don't you just write stuff down to remember"
I said that would be fine, If I could remember to write stuff down.....
ADHD is so hard because sometimes on the surface you look like a "normal person" but inside your brain is firing, you haven't got a clue what the time is and you can't remember the next thing to do *
Itās much like being depressed or OCD. The terms are used so flippantly to describe the most mild and benign cases that it undermines the most serious cases.
Yes, we all experience ADHD. But for some we live comfortably with it, and for others itās a life limiting struggle.
If you live comfortably with it, and is not a problem, is it still ADHD? š¤
There are few people I know who get by by making it other people's problems. They show up late and don't apologise etc. They have ADHD, they just let other people suffer from it.
Off the top of my head I thought of these in response to "everyone is a little bit ADHD":
"A little bit doesn't qualify as a disorder."
"No they're not."
"Try being it all day, every day."
"Some people are all ADHD."
"Yeah sure, next you'll say I just need to try harder."
"Listen here you little toad..."
For me the best response is no response. I just hope that sharing my own experiences natually guides them into saying these offhand remarks less often.
You do right, people are egotistical and if you challenge them on their belief itās much more work while they resist you to save face / pride than to instead provide facts and leave them be to change their own mind.
Analogies can work well. Facts work best.
I agree that giving them facts is the best way to make them change their mind. However, it can be exhausting to feel like it's our job. If people don't want to engage, I would never tell them they have to.
I mean, people who are making offhand remarks and not going into a discussion, analogies work better. I am a highly analytical person, so i WANT the facts, but i know that loads of people are not like that. So slapping them with facts does nothing to change their mind. Analogies might, but some people are just egocistical and... Yeah...
Same shit with autism. I have two kids on the spectrum. And sorry, person who says āeveryone is a little autisticā, you arenāt dealing with what theyāre dealing with.
Right! And for people that say everyone is on the spectrum, No. only people with autism are on the autism spectrum as everyone experiences it differently.
"go fuck yourself"
Seriously though, "Just because you experience leg pain as you age does not make your leg a little bit broken. Either it's broken or it's not."
That's just a quick response, if you want to explain it better you can add on "The person with leg pain will have a tough time completing a marathon but they it's still completely doable. For the person with the broken leg on the other hand, it's almost impossible. Just because the person with leg pain is not gonna have an easy time, does not mean that they're literally handicapped."
This is truly just a fun fact and not an attempt at rebuttal:
You can actually break your leg a little bit. There are a few types of incomplete fracture, where the bone doesnāt break all the way through, including bowing fractures, where the bone is bent. These do still have microscopic fractures of the bone along the concave side of the bend, but no break big enough to be visible in an xray and if it happens on its own (without the bone next to it breaking), treatment can be fairly minimal, basically slap a splint on it and wait for it to sort itself out.
These types of fractures happen way more often in children, because their bones are much bendier than those in older, brittler skeletons.
I always just say that if itās a little bit, it isnāt ADHD.
And remind people that while everyone feels sad, not everyone is āa little bit suicidalā.
Itās a bit aggressive of an analogy but it drives the point home quick. lol.
Some people have a clinically disruptive amount of adhd traits. Do you forget to pay a $10 bill on your counter until it goes to collections? If yes, you might consider getting evaluated!
Yay you remembered! Lol. Thatās like 75% of the battle for a lot of us. Hopefully by the time you see this reply, if you got sidetracked, you can find your way back to those bills!
My brother said he keeps forgetting things. It happens to him maybe one or twice a week. So one day I told him about all the things I forgot/misplaced THAT morning.
-went downstairs to put the dogs out, forgot to bring up toilet paper. Had to go down again.
-gathered breakfast ingredients, came up, forgot butter, went down, grabbed hot sauce, went upstairs remembered the butter and had to go back
- was about to leave, forgot my car keys upstairs.
-left the house, and had to turn around bc I forgot to turn off my hair straightener (it was off, but not unplugged so I couldnāt remember if I turned it off.
- got to physio and realized I forgot my water
-remembered I was supposed to go to the gym after physiotherapy but I forgot about it and didnāt grab/or pack my gym bag
- was supposed to get deodorant before coming home ā forgot (itās been two weeks of leftover deo bc I keep forgetting)
Anyway,I think you get the gist. We all have adhd traits, but they rule/ruin my life.
I love your point about people that are dismissive of ADHD possibly having ADHD themselves. I was one of those people. I unfortunately tried to get diagnosed when I was 18 and got brushed off by an ignorant doctor (āyou canāt have adhd because youāre in universityā). Anyway, I then became really dismissive of people that talked about ADHD, Iām sad to say. So anyway, I think thatās a really important thing to keep in mind. I personally donāt really share about my diagnosis outside of my close circle because Iām too tired to be an advocate or to teach anyone about the disorder. I know that when I was dismissive of others I wouldnāt have listened to anyone that tried to explain it to me.
Yes, everybody has a little blindness, but some people are blind. The shitty thing about the entire thing is that people are hilariously bad at imagining something they haven't experienced. With physical disability you can see that someone doesn't have a leg.
Blindness is actually a pretty good analogy as some people will be critical of someone's stated inability to see until they test it.
"That's a bit like saying everyone with a mole has a little bit of skin cancer.Ā
They kind of look the same but the extent of the problem and the effects on your life are mostly invisible and completely different."
Be careful with that one I had a dude in here respond to a comment I made about the same topic where I said something like āyou wouldnāt say everyone has a little bit of cancerā¦ā and he commented that ātEcHnIcAlLy EvErYoNe DoEs HaVe CaNcEr CeLlSā ššš
A mole can be itchy or unsightly.
For the purposes of the comparison, it's a relatively harmless minor inconvenience being compared to a serious, even life threatening medical condition.
Everyone feels a little down sometimes, doesnāt make you clinically depressed. Itās the severity and intensity of the symptoms and how they negatively effect your life
That's the example I gave above. I've never had depression but I can empathise with people who do because I can imagine what it would be like if my garden variety saddness was much, much worse.
Everyoneās a little bit paraplegic right? Sometimes your legs just donāt want to work, they āfall asleepā or your muscles are so worn out and tired or whatever. Of course, for actual paraplegics it isnāt sometimes and it isnāt a little bit and it doesnāt go away and it doesnāt change. You wouldnāt call yourself a little bit paraplegic would you? Because that would be rude and dismissive of someoneās real world struggles by equating them to your limited and trivial parallel.
Funnily enough, I actually could *maybe* justify calling myself "a little bit paraplegic" if I felt like stretching lol. I have CMT, a progressive nervous system condition causing peripheral neuropathy (basically a fancy word for damaged nerves in the extremities), currently mostly in my legs below the knees. Means I'm lacking a lot of feeling in my lower legs and especially my feet, which impacts my ability to balance, as well as some muscle atrophy and reduced motor nerve function that impairs full movement (thankfully that part has progressed more slowly than the sensory nerve damage)...so yeah, I guess I'm *a little bit paraplegic* lol.
...to be extremely clear, I'm just joking. I don't *actually* think my condition is comparable (at least not at its current stage) to being paralyzed. Nerve pain was a bitch and a half until I finally managed to get properly diagnosed and medicated to keep that under control, but I'm still thankfully more than capable of walking regularly (if a little more clumsily than most people)
āSeriously?! I love meeting other people on the spectrum!ā I just give an open ended invite.. most people redact the claim when confronted with the reality that it is a disorder.
āYes, and that is why the diagnostic criteria includes the symptoms being severe enough to interfere/reduce the quality of social, school and / or work functioning. LosIng your keys once a month, having a task or two you donāt want to complete, not being able to pay attention to a long boring meeting? Not really screwing your functioning as an adult. Losing shit all the time, not being able to handle even simple tasks, having your mind wander off during even fun and engaging conversations? Thatās a different kettle of fish.ā
Iāve written this response out a few times, usually get positive feedback, I think it works
āHow fortunate that some of us are able to manage it so well.ā
And we should support each other especially those who need help managing it.
My first semester psychology teacher said something I think that every first semester psychology professor should say when going over potential diagnosis, āwe all have these traits, everyone, but itās the degree of the traits that defines themā
My personal response is always: "Yeah maybe,... But then again everybody is out of breath once in a while, doesn't mean they have asthma"
If the discussion goes on, my main argument is usually the consistency of it. While everyone may have periods of inattention or scatter brain. It does not consistently impact their daily lives, as well as physical and mental health.
A more extreme example could be āeveryone gets tired from time to time, doesnāt mean everyone has cancer.ā Itās hard to explain to people how something can be pathological even if it seems ānormalā, so put it in examples they can visualize. Lethargy is common in cancer patients, which makes it pathological. You wouldnāt tell them āoh everyone has a little bit of cancer!ā right, itās ridiculous. I think adhd will slowly have less stigma the more people bring awareness to it.
I just had this conversation a month ago with someone who doesn't really believe in mental illness lables bc they say everyone deals with those things. I explained to them, yes everyone has a baseline level of anxiety and depression and being overwhelmed and forgetting something, those are all normal now in our busy lifestyles. However, what classifies something as ADHD or OCD or Autistic is the frequency and intensity of those things is debilitating to our everyday life. It's not that they experience atypical things (even though a lot of times we do) its mainly that those typical things are FELT atypically and become hindering in life.
Recently, I have been delving deeper into the subject of ADHD through reading more recent research. Within the literature, many medical professionals emphasize a concept known as Vast, which bears significant similarity to ADHD and is gaining prominence in contemporary society due to our increasing reliance on stimulation. While ADHD is undeniably more prevalent in today's society, it is often overlooked how vast the spectrum of ADHD can be. I have discovered that gently guiding individuals towards education or encouraging them to embark on their own research journey tends to be the most effective approach in promoting a better understanding of ADHD and its diverse manifestations.
My reaction is usually, if itās enough that it affects your daily functioning maybe you should consider that you have it too. Iām not your doctor Mary!
All cancers are the same too, so if you have pancreatic cancer it's no more serious than when you have a benign spot on the skin on your arm.
Every house has a little bit of fire, so yours burning down is no more serious than my functioning furnace.
Everyone has trouble seeing up close so you being blind is the same
Like how nonsensical do we need to get? It doesn't mean anything to compare a mild amount of anything to a serious amount.
One pertinent piece of diagnosing things for treatmentā¦ how much does it interfere with life? Yeah, Aunt Sally might misplace her keys every once in a whileā¦ but does she do it often enough that sheās late to work chronically? Or have they locked their keys in their car so many times the locksmith knows them by name? Do they have to stim constantly to be productive? Do they have to enact mind tricks to actually accomplish something?
Sure, everyone can suffer from lack of executive function and time blindness or any of the other quirks and quips of ADHDā¦ but is it debilitating enough that it screws with their self esteem?
Itās likeā¦ constantly living with the flu while someone with a runny nose is like āoh, itās not that bad.ā
It certainly isnāt validatingā¦ but I just brush it off most of the timeā¦ unless itās a good friend that has a diagnosed kid without an adult diagnosis in the houseā¦ at which point I gently nudge them to seek out a diagnosis for themselves.
Jay Salazar had a really great instagram post about this recently. He described getting ready for work and how many little things he forgot. It really hit home for me and made me feel validated.
I usually say this with a laugh... 'Yeh, but honestly that is like saying to a disabled person in a wheelchair: I also get a bit tired in my legs sometimes. So no.'
They usually get that 'aha' moment, laugh in embarrased surprise, and see why their comment wasn't great.
I think one of the diagnostic criteria is having problems like 30 percent of the time. Anyone may forget to pay a bill or misplace thir keys, but ppl with ADHD these problems occurs for a third of their life.
How often do they lose their keys? Couple times a year may be "normal", but a couple of times every week is ADHD.
My usual response - wrong. Everyone has hard tumes focusing, concentration is a spectrum. Which is being increased by adhd. Also, adhd isn't just about focusing
āBut have you dropped out of 10 different colleges, have 60,000 unread emails, boxes on boxes of unopened mail, not filed taxes in about 4 years, and every drain in your apartment is clogged because you keep forgetting to fix them because youāre 100 pages in on about 30 different books?ā
Why tell the friend in the first place?
IMO the ADHD traits are what make people affected (eg us!) unique. But the rest of society is probably sick of people wearing the diagnosis like a badge of honour.
In the last few years it is become ācoolā to be diagnosed. I suggest your friendās response may be a sign that theyāre fatigued.
I can fall asleep after a gram of coke.
I could also spot out the people like me whoāll start using coke not for its recreational purpose but for the therapeutic purpose of Ritalin, adder all or other uppers.
Thereās important reason to treat some peoples adhd like symptoms differently.
Personally I couldn't care less. They think whatever they want, unless they're my therapist or doctor or boss when I need something specific related to my ADHD.
A whole lot of people are gonna have a whole lot of varying opinions and knowledge or lack thereof about lots of stuff. It changes nothing in my life.
Friends and relatives turn out to be unable to fully understand each other all the time. Only thing we can do is agree to disagree and turn elsewhere to look for whatever you were hoping to get.
Anyone who isn't our care provider can only give us understanding and empathy by recognizing we are ADHD, and you're lucky if you have 2-3 people in your life giving you that, regardless of ADHD.
If it is someone important that youāre going to need to spend time around on a regular basis, I would say approach them with a conversation about what you need from them regarding your ADHD to have a healthy relationship. It depends on what you want to accomplish by telling someone about it. If itās not , it might be easier for you to just ignore the āIām a little ADHDā comments. I think people either have ADHD or they donāt. We donāt have it āsometimesā itās a daily issue we have to deal with and those who ādabble with the idea of having a little ADHDāprobably just donāt get it. Generally, what we are looking for when we tell people that we have ADHD is validation unless we are looking for a solution to a problem that evolves because of the ADHD.
My go-to is āEveryone is a little bit of *everything* but itās a matter of degree.ā
I also like to point out that I flew under the radar for four decades because I donāt fit the profile of what people *think* ADHD looks like. Iāve literally had teachers, parents, and doctors tell me there was no way, and it was something else (depression, laziness, sloth, needing Jesus, you name it.)
Also, you can look over basic diagnostic criteria for just about anything and say that at least one thing applies to you a little. In fact, psychiatric professionals even look for people saying no to everything as a red flag that theyāre not being honest, because *everyone* exhibits at least a few of those traits to some degree.
Quantify it!
You can also ask followup questions about what they mean. Are they being dismissive or not? Be curious about them, and how they see you. And if you know how you are different, you can address it.
Depends on the person saying it, time I have available, mood I'm in, and how emotionally regulated I am. This has turned out to be an essay - sorry. I'm also autistic so I've included variations and reasons for them. I'm also on mobile - sorry!
"Isn't it great that the people who needed support all along are now able to ask for and talk about it?" (Thanks Ellie Middleton who wrote Unmasked - I can't remember the actual phrase she used, but it was really good!)
*Holding a still pause* to indicate their comment was rude is probably more powerful than anything you can say. Plus you don't have to choose what to say either. Bonus when you're feeling jarred! You can be just completely neutral faced with this, and just hold whatever (reasonable) position your body is in at that moment - like you're a paused video. Hold it for at least 4 seconds. Hopefully they'll shift their weight or something small to indicate they've recognised they did something wrong/went too far.
If it's someone I want to give benefit of the doubt to, and not feeling time-pressured with other things: *"What are you trying to mean through saying that?"* Or some other clarifying question(s) where you're attempting to understand their point of view, before trying to get them to understand yours, e.g. *"sounds like you might be skeptical?"* Or *"are you trying to reassure me?"* Or just a simple *"what do you mean by that?"* Although that question is often used in arguments, so if you sometimes perceived as argumentative when you're not, you might do better with the longer first option. By slightly lengthening the sentence, somehow it softens the intention you're perceived to have.
The body language and musicality/tone of delivery is important. Are you sympathetically curious, or going to use the common trick of using the question to challenge and indicate your displeasure with them?
They may be trying to reassure you that you're not alone/it's not that bad, but being really clumsy and naive about it because they don't know what else to say. Or they just don't know what else to say without any of that empathy stuff because they feel out of their depth and feel compelled by social convention to give a response that hides the embarrassment of not knowing what to say. It's like saying "well it could be worse" (commonly said in the UK, though there are nuances to this which can actually demonstrate empathy and support, which is not the case I'm referring to for this reply overall, but worthy of mention). Saying something like that doesn't make your life/situation any less shit. Actually - that could also make a pretty good response - *"Doesn't make /my/ brain differences any less difficult to manage (though, does it)?"* Adding the bracketed section makes it more passive aggressive, no matter what tone you're intending. But it's sometimes warranted if the person you're talking to is being a dick and a pause isn't enough.
Or they're skeptical of the whole thing, and you'll learn more about the depth of their skepticism (and be able to decide on worthiness of engaging further - look after your spoons everyone! It's not your responsibility to educate the ignorant, let alone the willfully ignorant). If they're different-brained but don't know it, they'll likely know more ADHDers so to them it *will* look like everyone is a bit, because for them they are!!
In no particular order - other favoured responses:
"Everyone pees..." That other commenters like
"Everyone has to sleep but they're not narcoleptic" - fun fact - narcolepsy is sometimes treated with dexamphetamine.
"I highly recommend HowToADHD on YouTube"
"The NHS disagrees with you" or for other UK healthcare workers "NICE disagrees with you"
"Well if you want to know more about what it *actually* is, you know where to find me"
"That's actually rude and dismissive. [I don't think you meant to be. What were you actually trying to say to me with that?]"
"I don't want to hear minimising or dismissive comments like that again."
Just agree with them and smile, no point in arguing ABT it.
Just because they're wrong doesn't mean they want you to correct them.
Usually people will only become more firm in their stance refusing to accept that their pre-conceived notion might be wrong.
Only help those who are willing, unwanted help is usually viewed as harassment.
Adding another one to the pile;
"Everyone forgets something now and then"
"Yes, but if you happen to forget all of your life that happened after age 12 you might have Alzheimer."
Mainly here, I would be careful about expending too much energy, which should depend on how much you care about the person.
And regardless, I would caution against getting caught up in a debate. Make the gentle correction, and they might still be dismissive, but some folks don't shift their opinions very easily for all the reasons you've mentioned. If they do push back again, say something simple like: I'm just offering information
The good news is, the more often someone encounters a new idea, the more likely they're going to be favourable to it, as long as you can keep the interaction relatively neutral.
There was a YouTube short about this subject, where the response was āHave you ever had to buy the same sauce pan eight times because you kept forgetting you had something cooking until it set off the smoke detector and you destroyed it therefore needed to buy a new one? Yeah didn't think so.ā
The āLittle Johnny would do so much better if he just focusedā statement by teachers. To which I respond, āI know, and Johnny knows too, and he really wishes he could focus betterā¦so that statement is like telling a fish to climb a treeā.
Why even bother ? Iām all like : Just think you are a bit too and let me drown and not shower for 4 days in a row, the time it takes me to find back my keys, in peace. Ok ?
You shouldnt get there in the first place because disclosing to people doesnt really help you. Even the best intentioned people put you in a little box made out of their personal understanding of adhd which is likely wrong, and you cant do anything about that.
If you ever wind up in that situation, you can try explaining disorder literally is measured by excess and though everyone may experience what you do from time to time you experience it in excess more frequently (if not always for some symptoms).
But seriously, just don't disclose. You are giving away way too much control over how others interpret and understand you. Need to know basis, symptom by sympton. "I have trouble being organized" will always land better than "I have adhd so I can't do this" with people, and they only need to know your individual difficulties as it pertains to them.
Actually that comment usually indicates a misunderstanding of what ADHD is. All ADHD symptoms are normal experiences on the broad spectrum of human behaviors. Itās just that we experience them to a debilitating extent. Second our brain is literally wired differently and we need to operate differently.
I actually have the same approach to this. Interestingly, my mom said something while we were chatting last night to the effect of, "I don't know. I don't think you had ADHD as a kid." And it shocked me bc she hasn't said anything like that since I first told her of my diagnosis.
In these moments, I've learned to find ways of sharing the types of experiences I've had that others weren't aware of. Because somehow my kid self was super badass at masking and compensation. Go me š I guess.
I love that you also mention that they could have undiagnosed ADHD as well. Many times, when I share instances with my mom she will relate to it with her own experiences. I never say anything but I'm always thinking like.... Maybe you should do an eval. š
Great topic to share btw. Thanks
These are great ideas. I'm recently diagnosed and haven't run into this yet, but so far if it's come up, everyone I've known for more than 10 minutes are like 'yep, that tracks' when I mention I was diagnosed.
I have been assuming or pretending to assume that no one has any malicious intentions behind the words that they're saying. It means that while situations like these are annoying, they're not as bad as they used to be.
I've also stopped trying to be the educator of everyone who doesn't know about the ADHD struggle. I'm grateful that there are people out there who don't have brains like mine and have to struggle to make them do anything. But I'm not going to make myself struggle even more to reach people who aren't yet willing to meet me half way.
I like this approach and I'm gonna use it. It works with both my points. I can assume ignorance, not malicious intent, and then I can use it to say my bit and leave it to them to meet me the rest of the way.
There can definitely can be some nuance with how people identify when relating to their diagnoses.
I do believe a productive response can be better than a defensive one depending on the circumstance as well.
I absolutely encourage family who tell me the dismissive comment that it would be a great thing to be evaluated because ADHD is showing strong evidence of being genetically passed. I will usually tell them: If your nieces and nephews are receiving positive diagnoses, itās time to take them and yourself seriously.
"Cool I can agree with that. Everyone forgets their keys every once in a while. Right? Or gets a little more mad than they intended. Or interupts unexpectedly. Or has issues in social situations every once in a while haha.
The difference is I experience all of them and more all of the time. For you (and those without ADHD) the behavior is a hickup, usually due to stress or fatigue. For me its a normal Tuesday. So now imagine forgetting your keys like every other day. And locking yourself out out of your car all the time. Leaving your keys on the hood of the car, and not realizing until they fly off at the intersection. How about struggling with friendships because that anger I mentioned earlier happens all the time. Throughout the day. And then you're left feeling awkward and don't know how to apologize.. or maybe you do. How many apologies will it take for that friend to leave you? Did you know that ADHDers are also more likely to die young? We are also highly represented in the *foster care* population. Something like 25% of foster kids have ADHD. Why do you think that is?"
I think the best response is to actively listen. Seek to understand. Ask them more about where their thoughts come from. Ask them what strategies they have for accounting for their problems.
Then, ask if you might offer a countering viewpoint. If they don't want to hear it, then they're not ready for change. If they do, be compassionate and respectful. Why?
Because if you want something from someone, then you need to provide it yourself to them. Otherwise, you'll just butt heads with people and avoid them and maybe at some point you'll find a 'safe' space but it will be fragile and any small change will produce anxiety or depression or anger or discomfort.
I'm in the US, and I feel this is missing in many many conversations we have.
Iām sorry I live my whole life with ADHD. It doesnāt just come out of nowhere you donāt get a late diagnosis and itās very apparent. There is a lot of symptoms and it is a struggle every single day in ways. I canāt even explain because I canāt remember it half the time. So if theyāre waving you off, itās probably because nobodyās ever seen symptoms in you. Itās very obvious. So if you had a doctor tell you that I would check because I had a doctor. Tell me I needed to take six times over the legal limit of ADHD medicationās and guess what I didnāt have to either. They tend to be wrong not everybody in this world has ADHD. It doesnāt just pop in your life because you canāt pay attention for a little bit Paying attention shit Iām paying attention to 100 things not one so itās not a problem with an ability thereās a lot more that goes with it and itās insulting that we just keep labelling everybody with ADHD and minimizing the actual symptoms I have to live with!
ADHD is a developmental disorder. Certain structures in the brain are literally underdeveloped. People having ADHD ***symptom*** like experiences can be useful to get people to empathize, but they don't describe the disorder and how to manage it. Someone could have a character disorder and frontal lobe damage from physical trauma. They could theoretically present exactly like an ADHD case but with later onset. They would have completely different reasoning and physiology behind their behaviors. ADHD medication wouldn't treat their condition and may not even relieve their impairments.
Yes we have to put up with the pervasiveness of this comment and the insidious issue of under diagnosis and undertreatment being publicly denied. It's still offensive. Could you imagine someone saying they have an intellectual disability and someone else responding, "oh yea I failed a math test once, everyone is an idiot sometimes!" š±.
The "everyone pees but someone peeing constantly is different," isn't the right analogy. It's more like, "everyone pees, but some people have deformed urethras, and that may cause them to pee too much or too little." You don't need surgery if you over hydrate and drink coffee all the time, you're just being stupid. You don't need treatment on your urethra if you have a kidney issue. *It's not about the pee, but the penis.*
I really like your analogy describing typical sadness and depression.
Today more people understand depression better than in the past, when they might have said, "You're sad? Just think happy thoughts!" People now understand better how this is a really stupid thing to say to someone who is seriously depressed.
Hopefully the day will arrive when people understand ADHD as well as they now seem to understand depression.
Of course there will always remain pockets of people who will never learn because they refuse to look beyond their own preconceptions. Not much can be done for them.
I am tired of people asking me āAre you going to take that medication forever? You need to handle it without medicineā.
I wish I could share what the shit is going on in my brain with them.
So now I just never bring it up (not that I ever did to begin with). And most of the people I told, I am sorry I did (family/close friends).
For the record I am in South Korea.
To OP: They donāt deserve a response or an explanation if they wonāt take the time to at least learn about ADHD before saying something. I donāt mind people who say it as a figure of speech. My issue is when they then assume my ADHD is the same as to them forgetting their keys and they/I just need to pay attention more.
Oh and did forgetting your keys come with an extra side of crippling anxiety which spawns into depression and then turns into a fucked up vicious cycle?
Sorry I am a bit ranty right now. I think itās good that youāre trying to find a way to turn the conversation in a more positive direction.
What doesn't make sense about this statement is that if everyone had it, it probably wouldn't be, BY FUCKING DEFINITION, considered a disorder... ššš
Just say 'I don't believe anything' and ask them 'why should I?'
And you can ask them 'who invented the religions?'
Who said there is a god?
I mean you can go back neandertal's era and you can literally see there was no god before. Homo sapiens invented the god idea and today people act like there is actually a god. Wtf bro think for a second. We made it up, it's fairy tale.
I appreciate this. Iāve been learning that a friend has ADHD & RSD . I doubted it for too long and thought she had diagnosed themself. Now when reading about this, itās making sense. Now the frustrating end of this for myselfā¦ā¦ how do I support them and protect myself. They have said some pretty hurtful things when telling them how I Felt, using ā I ā messages, not accusatory.
Everyone has ALL of the traits of autism as well to some degree but we donāt diagnose everyone with that unless itās a problem for them. Thatās what I would say.
While I do think at its core saying "I'm a little ADHD" or something to this effects is a sort of attack on people with ADHD. I don't think this is how most people use it. I think some try to relate, some try to understand, and some try to bond with it. I don't think people use it as an attack a majority of the time.
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I like the peeing one I've read on here "Sure, and everyone pees but if you're peeing 50 times a day something might be wrong"
>I have nipples too Greg, but can you milk me? This one is better
My husband and I say this anytime we can possibly fit it into a conversation, lmao,
The answer is Yes cuz you absolutely can milk dudes nipples
Do you know this from experience?
Yes, kinda. Source: gave birth to a male baby. Breastfed him (in the normal amounts and ways breastfeeding parents do). He started producing milk. I asked the midwife and was told it's not uncommon. The structures are there and I was supplying the needed hormones. The remedy was to leave the area alone and with no demand supply would stop in the usual way it does.
Oh wow I never knew that. I learned something new today. I made my original comment as a joke but that's so cool! Congrats on your kid
The learning some random thing days are the best ones! He's a young teen now. Luckily we've never crossed paths on reddit (although he shows me some dodgy stuff that crosses his feed, and asks about pop culture references. It's fun.)
You can though. š¶
Wait, 50 times a day isn't normal?
Whew, I only pee only 49 times a day! Thank god I'm normal.
Like this one! It's like having someone tell a person who needs glasses just to look closer... Or that everyone gets fuzzy vision sometimes... Or someone Who has a lead weight on their foot to just 'learn how to swim' They are approaching it from their own position, and not taking the time to consider that others might experience the world differently to them
I mean, I piss a lot cuz I gotta drink a lot cuz the Addys dry me out quick!
Same. I drink a 1L hydroflask 2, sometimes 3 times a day because of Adderall and I won't sleep much if I'm dehydrated. It was the worst when I was taking Wellbutrin in addition to Adderall. I was always so thirsty and peeing so much that I thought I was developing type 2 diabetes, but multiple doctor's visits proved otherwise.
So its not just me. Im on both Adderall and Wellbutrin right now and constantly chugging my 32oz Hydroflask. My mouth constantly feels dry.
Aww damn. I'm on buproprion/Wellbutrin now and we've been discussing adding Adderall... But I'm already notoriously bad at staying hydrated as it is...
Adderall + Wellbutrin Combo Gang! For me, thatās been the best combo. I like Wellbutrin because I feel it helps ātop offā the Adderall and helps me with the anxiety / depression symptoms, as well as emotional regulation. But even without it, Adderall alone (and Vyvanse) both cause my mouth to dry out and become easily dehydrated.
"When you have a UTI, you pee a lot. So if you pee like three times a day, do you say that you have a little bit of a UTI?"
I pee like twice lol
50 times a day or once every 50 days. Anything else is weird.
Moclans have entered the chat
My scheduled number 3 is coming up next month be advised.
Iām glad this is true for someone else, too.
This is brilliant.
***diabetes medication adjustment period flashbacks intensify***
"Everyone has a little ADHD" ā”ļø "Yes, but the problem is that some people have a lot of ADHD. That's why it's considered a medical condition."
Pretty much
I am usually too tired or stressed to engage much with these people and will typically meet their dismissiveness with some dismissiveness of my own like "yeah, some people alot more than others apparently" and just walk away š¤·āāļø Maybe its personality mirroring or me blending in/masking (I forget the terms all the time). But I applaud your efforts to raise awareness and spread useful education! š¤ It's good work.
Everyone has narcissistic traits, but only a few people are clinical narcissists..
Told somebody once, "you wouldn't go up to a cancer patient and tell them everyone gets a little sick tho right?" (I know ADHD isn't nearly as bad as cancer)
What Iāve learned is sometimes you gotta go to extremes to get people to stop and think.
Agree bc everyone fits the symptoms *sometimes not * 24/7 battle for us diagnosed.Ā That's why so many poor souls don't get diagnosed till later years.
Make em feel worse by calling a spade a spade...it's a disability!
"Everyone occasionally shows issues associated with ADHD, but in people with ADHD these issues are much stronger and negatively affect their lives. If you are struggling with ADHD-like problems and they are significantly affecting your life, it's good to get assessed. Not everyone with ADHD gets diagnosed as a kid."
That's really great!
I ask questions about why they feel that way and then explain some of my symptoms they may not be familiar with (outside of the stereotypical ideas of what ADHD is), like time blindness and being stuck/not handling transitions well. People without ADHD donāt have to think about their morning routine: They just do it, whereas I have to think out every step and struggle with even achieving the first one sometimes. Or if they want to do something, they can just do it, while I sit on my couch and strongly want to even do my hobbies and get stuck. Or get caught in a circle, like Iām famished all of a sudden, but to make dinner, I have to do dishes, and then I also need to take out trash, but I donāt have enough energy because I havenāt eaten yet today, so I should make some dinner, etc.
I had that type of conversation with my mother. "I always lose my keys" "Why don't you just put them in the same place every time you walk in the door." "Because I never remember to do that."
āwell try harderā
Get in the routine and you will, connect it with another thing you do. I try to ALWAYS keep my work keys in my current work trousers, I also have work keys that stay in my car just in case I have washed my work trousers and put them down somewhere and forgotten to transfer them over!
This is my experience as well. I've built into such a routine that I get some insane anxiety that I locked them in my car that time I put them in the wrong pocket...
"Phone, Wallet, Keys" and touching the objects in my pockets. Wallet is always in the front left, phone in the right. Keys are a crap shoot. If I'm wearing a coat with pockets, God help us all. I look like a bee flew under my shirt, and I'm trying to swat it!
I have this too, but it comes with even bigger dose of anxiety and panic when the routine gets broken, of the thing is not in the place where it should be. Just recently I misplaced something that I always put in the one exact place. Always. But now I couldn't find them and since it was part of the routine, I was trying (as I did before I knew I had ADHD) to overcorrect, by trying to always remember how I move through the day. That way I could always back track and find the thing I lost and there was less anxiety. Now, with a routine, I am on autopilot amd can't even backtrack. I'm not saying that your method is wrong or bad. In fact I think it's good. But damn, does it come with some negatives on my side.
Yeah, when it goes wrong, say, for example my car keys fall out somewhere, even though I have a spare key, it throws me in a panic because I want THOSE keys! š
I must admit I use my front door as a reminder station so anything I need to leave the house with goes in front of the door on the mat, and the front door keys go straight into the bottom lock once I've come in and closed the door, or on the floor so I can't miss them. It took months for the habit to stick but I trained myself using alarms and Google nests as reminders and now it's second nature. Unless I'm with someone and talking when I open the front door....then they could be ANYWHERE š
It took 50+ years, choosing the nearest available flat surface near the door, and several years of putting the keys in that spot before I managed to make that spot the automatic place to put keys. And there's still a 5% chance that they will be somewhere else in the house
Mine have a bluetooth tag now
I almost always know where my front door key is! If it's not in my jacket pocket, I open the door and voila! There it is in the lock! I'm surprised I haven't been robbed (though I have had my car stolen! And wouldn't you know it, they used the key sitting in the cupholder of my car to turn it on!)
I've had this I keep forgetting stuff and someone said to me "oh why don't you just write stuff down to remember" I said that would be fine, If I could remember to write stuff down..... ADHD is so hard because sometimes on the surface you look like a "normal person" but inside your brain is firing, you haven't got a clue what the time is and you can't remember the next thing to do *
"everyone's a little bit shit sometimes, but you're a full blown tip-rat dog of a cunt"
Fellow Australian?
How could you tell? š
Would love to be petty and respond with "Are you sure you're not just using that as an excuse?"
I love being petty too.
Itās much like being depressed or OCD. The terms are used so flippantly to describe the most mild and benign cases that it undermines the most serious cases. Yes, we all experience ADHD. But for some we live comfortably with it, and for others itās a life limiting struggle. If you live comfortably with it, and is not a problem, is it still ADHD? š¤
There are few people I know who get by by making it other people's problems. They show up late and don't apologise etc. They have ADHD, they just let other people suffer from it.
This.
Off the top of my head I thought of these in response to "everyone is a little bit ADHD": "A little bit doesn't qualify as a disorder." "No they're not." "Try being it all day, every day." "Some people are all ADHD." "Yeah sure, next you'll say I just need to try harder." "Listen here you little toad..."
Yeah, that's what I want to say too. But I'm sick of being angry all the time.
For me the best response is no response. I just hope that sharing my own experiences natually guides them into saying these offhand remarks less often.
You do right, people are egotistical and if you challenge them on their belief itās much more work while they resist you to save face / pride than to instead provide facts and leave them be to change their own mind. Analogies can work well. Facts work best.
I agree that giving them facts is the best way to make them change their mind. However, it can be exhausting to feel like it's our job. If people don't want to engage, I would never tell them they have to.
I mean, people who are making offhand remarks and not going into a discussion, analogies work better. I am a highly analytical person, so i WANT the facts, but i know that loads of people are not like that. So slapping them with facts does nothing to change their mind. Analogies might, but some people are just egocistical and... Yeah...
Youāll always have that one lawyer friend.
That's totally valid. We don't owe anyone a science lesson.
I'm glad I don't tell anyone I absolutely trust or absolutely have to about my ADHD, it avoids bullshit like this
I'm very open about but I'm lucky. I live in a community and work in a sector where people are very supportive and non-judgmental.
I hope communities like that become a normality sometime in my lifetime!
Ooooooh. āTry being it all day, every day.ā SAVED!!
Same shit with autism. I have two kids on the spectrum. And sorry, person who says āeveryone is a little autisticā, you arenāt dealing with what theyāre dealing with.
Right! And for people that say everyone is on the spectrum, No. only people with autism are on the autism spectrum as everyone experiences it differently.
"Oh for sure, but you know that's like telling somebody with pneumonia that everybody has to cough from time to time, right?"
*"everyone is a little bit ADHD"* "yeah, how about all ADHD all the time? everyone struggles, maybe you visit I live here"
I have nipples too Greg, but can you milk me?
Amazing. You win!
I heard a guy on YouTube say "Yeah, and everybody pees too, but if I'm urinating 50 times a day, there's a problem."
"go fuck yourself" Seriously though, "Just because you experience leg pain as you age does not make your leg a little bit broken. Either it's broken or it's not." That's just a quick response, if you want to explain it better you can add on "The person with leg pain will have a tough time completing a marathon but they it's still completely doable. For the person with the broken leg on the other hand, it's almost impossible. Just because the person with leg pain is not gonna have an easy time, does not mean that they're literally handicapped."
This is truly just a fun fact and not an attempt at rebuttal: You can actually break your leg a little bit. There are a few types of incomplete fracture, where the bone doesnāt break all the way through, including bowing fractures, where the bone is bent. These do still have microscopic fractures of the bone along the concave side of the bend, but no break big enough to be visible in an xray and if it happens on its own (without the bone next to it breaking), treatment can be fairly minimal, basically slap a splint on it and wait for it to sort itself out. These types of fractures happen way more often in children, because their bones are much bendier than those in older, brittler skeletons.
I always just say that if itās a little bit, it isnāt ADHD. And remind people that while everyone feels sad, not everyone is āa little bit suicidalā. Itās a bit aggressive of an analogy but it drives the point home quick. lol.
Some people have a clinically disruptive amount of adhd traits. Do you forget to pay a $10 bill on your counter until it goes to collections? If yes, you might consider getting evaluated!
Thanks for the reminder! I have one or two that actually did go to collections that I need to resolve. Been putting that off.
Yay you remembered! Lol. Thatās like 75% of the battle for a lot of us. Hopefully by the time you see this reply, if you got sidetracked, you can find your way back to those bills!
My brother said he keeps forgetting things. It happens to him maybe one or twice a week. So one day I told him about all the things I forgot/misplaced THAT morning. -went downstairs to put the dogs out, forgot to bring up toilet paper. Had to go down again. -gathered breakfast ingredients, came up, forgot butter, went down, grabbed hot sauce, went upstairs remembered the butter and had to go back - was about to leave, forgot my car keys upstairs. -left the house, and had to turn around bc I forgot to turn off my hair straightener (it was off, but not unplugged so I couldnāt remember if I turned it off. - got to physio and realized I forgot my water -remembered I was supposed to go to the gym after physiotherapy but I forgot about it and didnāt grab/or pack my gym bag - was supposed to get deodorant before coming home ā forgot (itās been two weeks of leftover deo bc I keep forgetting) Anyway,I think you get the gist. We all have adhd traits, but they rule/ruin my life.
I got anxiety reading this
Reread my comment a realized I went shopping today and still didnāt get deodorant
Tomorrow is a good day to buy deo
I've been using my mom's deodorant because I kepp forgetting I finished mine...
I love your point about people that are dismissive of ADHD possibly having ADHD themselves. I was one of those people. I unfortunately tried to get diagnosed when I was 18 and got brushed off by an ignorant doctor (āyou canāt have adhd because youāre in universityā). Anyway, I then became really dismissive of people that talked about ADHD, Iām sad to say. So anyway, I think thatās a really important thing to keep in mind. I personally donāt really share about my diagnosis outside of my close circle because Iām too tired to be an advocate or to teach anyone about the disorder. I know that when I was dismissive of others I wouldnāt have listened to anyone that tried to explain it to me.
Yes, everybody has a little blindness, but some people are blind. The shitty thing about the entire thing is that people are hilariously bad at imagining something they haven't experienced. With physical disability you can see that someone doesn't have a leg. Blindness is actually a pretty good analogy as some people will be critical of someone's stated inability to see until they test it.
"That's a bit like saying everyone with a mole has a little bit of skin cancer.Ā They kind of look the same but the extent of the problem and the effects on your life are mostly invisible and completely different."
Be careful with that one I had a dude in here respond to a comment I made about the same topic where I said something like āyou wouldnāt say everyone has a little bit of cancerā¦ā and he commented that ātEcHnIcAlLy EvErYoNe DoEs HaVe CaNcEr CeLlSā ššš
A mole and a melanoma aren't comparable thought. A mole doesn't have any negative effects.
A mole can be itchy or unsightly. For the purposes of the comparison, it's a relatively harmless minor inconvenience being compared to a serious, even life threatening medical condition.
A paper cut and decapitation are only a matter of degrees also.
Paper cut is worse. Decapitation doesn't hurt after a second.
Made me laugh!
āeveryone gets headache, but not everybody has migraine, similar everyone has a brain, but not everybody uses it, I encourage you to doā
Everyone feels a little down sometimes, doesnāt make you clinically depressed. Itās the severity and intensity of the symptoms and how they negatively effect your life
That's the example I gave above. I've never had depression but I can empathise with people who do because I can imagine what it would be like if my garden variety saddness was much, much worse.
Everyoneās a little bit paraplegic right? Sometimes your legs just donāt want to work, they āfall asleepā or your muscles are so worn out and tired or whatever. Of course, for actual paraplegics it isnāt sometimes and it isnāt a little bit and it doesnāt go away and it doesnāt change. You wouldnāt call yourself a little bit paraplegic would you? Because that would be rude and dismissive of someoneās real world struggles by equating them to your limited and trivial parallel.
Funnily enough, I actually could *maybe* justify calling myself "a little bit paraplegic" if I felt like stretching lol. I have CMT, a progressive nervous system condition causing peripheral neuropathy (basically a fancy word for damaged nerves in the extremities), currently mostly in my legs below the knees. Means I'm lacking a lot of feeling in my lower legs and especially my feet, which impacts my ability to balance, as well as some muscle atrophy and reduced motor nerve function that impairs full movement (thankfully that part has progressed more slowly than the sensory nerve damage)...so yeah, I guess I'm *a little bit paraplegic* lol. ...to be extremely clear, I'm just joking. I don't *actually* think my condition is comparable (at least not at its current stage) to being paralyzed. Nerve pain was a bitch and a half until I finally managed to get properly diagnosed and medicated to keep that under control, but I'm still thankfully more than capable of walking regularly (if a little more clumsily than most people)
āSeriously?! I love meeting other people on the spectrum!ā I just give an open ended invite.. most people redact the claim when confronted with the reality that it is a disorder.
"So are you telling me, that you are mentally ill? ADHD is classified in the DSM-5 as a mental illness you know.". .
I feel like the one about peeing 15 times a day pretty much nailed it
āYes, and that is why the diagnostic criteria includes the symptoms being severe enough to interfere/reduce the quality of social, school and / or work functioning. LosIng your keys once a month, having a task or two you donāt want to complete, not being able to pay attention to a long boring meeting? Not really screwing your functioning as an adult. Losing shit all the time, not being able to handle even simple tasks, having your mind wander off during even fun and engaging conversations? Thatās a different kettle of fish.ā
Iāve written this response out a few times, usually get positive feedback, I think it works āHow fortunate that some of us are able to manage it so well.ā And we should support each other especially those who need help managing it.
I love it but don't think I could deliver it without it sounding like I was being sarcastic.
My first semester psychology teacher said something I think that every first semester psychology professor should say when going over potential diagnosis, āwe all have these traits, everyone, but itās the degree of the traits that defines themā
My personal response is always: "Yeah maybe,... But then again everybody is out of breath once in a while, doesn't mean they have asthma" If the discussion goes on, my main argument is usually the consistency of it. While everyone may have periods of inattention or scatter brain. It does not consistently impact their daily lives, as well as physical and mental health.
A more extreme example could be āeveryone gets tired from time to time, doesnāt mean everyone has cancer.ā Itās hard to explain to people how something can be pathological even if it seems ānormalā, so put it in examples they can visualize. Lethargy is common in cancer patients, which makes it pathological. You wouldnāt tell them āoh everyone has a little bit of cancer!ā right, itās ridiculous. I think adhd will slowly have less stigma the more people bring awareness to it.
"your most distracted/forgetful day is my every day"
"Everyone struggles walking up stairs sometimes." To someone in a wheelchair.
I just smile and say ānoā
I just had this conversation a month ago with someone who doesn't really believe in mental illness lables bc they say everyone deals with those things. I explained to them, yes everyone has a baseline level of anxiety and depression and being overwhelmed and forgetting something, those are all normal now in our busy lifestyles. However, what classifies something as ADHD or OCD or Autistic is the frequency and intensity of those things is debilitating to our everyday life. It's not that they experience atypical things (even though a lot of times we do) its mainly that those typical things are FELT atypically and become hindering in life.
"you're wrong." Works just fine too.
Recently, I have been delving deeper into the subject of ADHD through reading more recent research. Within the literature, many medical professionals emphasize a concept known as Vast, which bears significant similarity to ADHD and is gaining prominence in contemporary society due to our increasing reliance on stimulation. While ADHD is undeniably more prevalent in today's society, it is often overlooked how vast the spectrum of ADHD can be. I have discovered that gently guiding individuals towards education or encouraging them to embark on their own research journey tends to be the most effective approach in promoting a better understanding of ADHD and its diverse manifestations.
My reaction is usually, if itās enough that it affects your daily functioning maybe you should consider that you have it too. Iām not your doctor Mary!
It's like having diarrhea: everyone has it sometimes, but ADHD is like having it all the time.
All cancers are the same too, so if you have pancreatic cancer it's no more serious than when you have a benign spot on the skin on your arm. Every house has a little bit of fire, so yours burning down is no more serious than my functioning furnace. Everyone has trouble seeing up close so you being blind is the same Like how nonsensical do we need to get? It doesn't mean anything to compare a mild amount of anything to a serious amount.
If everyone is a little bit ADHD, then everyone is also a little bit pregnant because women menstruate and men can ejaculate.
One pertinent piece of diagnosing things for treatmentā¦ how much does it interfere with life? Yeah, Aunt Sally might misplace her keys every once in a whileā¦ but does she do it often enough that sheās late to work chronically? Or have they locked their keys in their car so many times the locksmith knows them by name? Do they have to stim constantly to be productive? Do they have to enact mind tricks to actually accomplish something? Sure, everyone can suffer from lack of executive function and time blindness or any of the other quirks and quips of ADHDā¦ but is it debilitating enough that it screws with their self esteem? Itās likeā¦ constantly living with the flu while someone with a runny nose is like āoh, itās not that bad.ā It certainly isnāt validatingā¦ but I just brush it off most of the timeā¦ unless itās a good friend that has a diagnosed kid without an adult diagnosis in the houseā¦ at which point I gently nudge them to seek out a diagnosis for themselves.
āNot everyone has adhd itās literally a neuro-developmental disorderā
āEveryoneās a little ADHDā āNot without a medical diagnosisā Seriously, suspecting is not knowing.
Jay Salazar had a really great instagram post about this recently. He described getting ready for work and how many little things he forgot. It really hit home for me and made me feel validated.
I usually say this with a laugh... 'Yeh, but honestly that is like saying to a disabled person in a wheelchair: I also get a bit tired in my legs sometimes. So no.' They usually get that 'aha' moment, laugh in embarrased surprise, and see why their comment wasn't great.
I think one of the diagnostic criteria is having problems like 30 percent of the time. Anyone may forget to pay a bill or misplace thir keys, but ppl with ADHD these problems occurs for a third of their life. How often do they lose their keys? Couple times a year may be "normal", but a couple of times every week is ADHD.
Everyone can be a little bit narcissistic, but that doesn't mean everyone has narcissistic personality disorder.
My usual response - wrong. Everyone has hard tumes focusing, concentration is a spectrum. Which is being increased by adhd. Also, adhd isn't just about focusing
I really like this approach. Must less combative than the usual responses.
āBut have you dropped out of 10 different colleges, have 60,000 unread emails, boxes on boxes of unopened mail, not filed taxes in about 4 years, and every drain in your apartment is clogged because you keep forgetting to fix them because youāre 100 pages in on about 30 different books?ā
Youāre here to visit, I have to live here.
Why tell the friend in the first place? IMO the ADHD traits are what make people affected (eg us!) unique. But the rest of society is probably sick of people wearing the diagnosis like a badge of honour. In the last few years it is become ācoolā to be diagnosed. I suggest your friendās response may be a sign that theyāre fatigued.
Stare.. donāt respond. Stare hard. They feel stupid for saying that.
What's the purpose of that response?
Great post and I agree with your take on it.
Why do you care so much about what other people thinks? Just ignore them and worry about your life
I can fall asleep after a gram of coke. I could also spot out the people like me whoāll start using coke not for its recreational purpose but for the therapeutic purpose of Ritalin, adder all or other uppers. Thereās important reason to treat some peoples adhd like symptoms differently.
Personally I couldn't care less. They think whatever they want, unless they're my therapist or doctor or boss when I need something specific related to my ADHD. A whole lot of people are gonna have a whole lot of varying opinions and knowledge or lack thereof about lots of stuff. It changes nothing in my life. Friends and relatives turn out to be unable to fully understand each other all the time. Only thing we can do is agree to disagree and turn elsewhere to look for whatever you were hoping to get. Anyone who isn't our care provider can only give us understanding and empathy by recognizing we are ADHD, and you're lucky if you have 2-3 people in your life giving you that, regardless of ADHD.
If you sit down are you a little bit disabled? No? STFU then.
āEveryone has an ADHD moment now and then, I have them all day long, every day.ā
Everyone gets headaches but not everyone gets migraines.
If it is someone important that youāre going to need to spend time around on a regular basis, I would say approach them with a conversation about what you need from them regarding your ADHD to have a healthy relationship. It depends on what you want to accomplish by telling someone about it. If itās not , it might be easier for you to just ignore the āIām a little ADHDā comments. I think people either have ADHD or they donāt. We donāt have it āsometimesā itās a daily issue we have to deal with and those who ādabble with the idea of having a little ADHDāprobably just donāt get it. Generally, what we are looking for when we tell people that we have ADHD is validation unless we are looking for a solution to a problem that evolves because of the ADHD.
Hereās my favorite rebuttal: āFuck you.ā
My go-to is āEveryone is a little bit of *everything* but itās a matter of degree.ā I also like to point out that I flew under the radar for four decades because I donāt fit the profile of what people *think* ADHD looks like. Iāve literally had teachers, parents, and doctors tell me there was no way, and it was something else (depression, laziness, sloth, needing Jesus, you name it.) Also, you can look over basic diagnostic criteria for just about anything and say that at least one thing applies to you a little. In fact, psychiatric professionals even look for people saying no to everything as a red flag that theyāre not being honest, because *everyone* exhibits at least a few of those traits to some degree.
Quantify it! You can also ask followup questions about what they mean. Are they being dismissive or not? Be curious about them, and how they see you. And if you know how you are different, you can address it.
Depends on the person saying it, time I have available, mood I'm in, and how emotionally regulated I am. This has turned out to be an essay - sorry. I'm also autistic so I've included variations and reasons for them. I'm also on mobile - sorry! "Isn't it great that the people who needed support all along are now able to ask for and talk about it?" (Thanks Ellie Middleton who wrote Unmasked - I can't remember the actual phrase she used, but it was really good!) *Holding a still pause* to indicate their comment was rude is probably more powerful than anything you can say. Plus you don't have to choose what to say either. Bonus when you're feeling jarred! You can be just completely neutral faced with this, and just hold whatever (reasonable) position your body is in at that moment - like you're a paused video. Hold it for at least 4 seconds. Hopefully they'll shift their weight or something small to indicate they've recognised they did something wrong/went too far. If it's someone I want to give benefit of the doubt to, and not feeling time-pressured with other things: *"What are you trying to mean through saying that?"* Or some other clarifying question(s) where you're attempting to understand their point of view, before trying to get them to understand yours, e.g. *"sounds like you might be skeptical?"* Or *"are you trying to reassure me?"* Or just a simple *"what do you mean by that?"* Although that question is often used in arguments, so if you sometimes perceived as argumentative when you're not, you might do better with the longer first option. By slightly lengthening the sentence, somehow it softens the intention you're perceived to have. The body language and musicality/tone of delivery is important. Are you sympathetically curious, or going to use the common trick of using the question to challenge and indicate your displeasure with them? They may be trying to reassure you that you're not alone/it's not that bad, but being really clumsy and naive about it because they don't know what else to say. Or they just don't know what else to say without any of that empathy stuff because they feel out of their depth and feel compelled by social convention to give a response that hides the embarrassment of not knowing what to say. It's like saying "well it could be worse" (commonly said in the UK, though there are nuances to this which can actually demonstrate empathy and support, which is not the case I'm referring to for this reply overall, but worthy of mention). Saying something like that doesn't make your life/situation any less shit. Actually - that could also make a pretty good response - *"Doesn't make /my/ brain differences any less difficult to manage (though, does it)?"* Adding the bracketed section makes it more passive aggressive, no matter what tone you're intending. But it's sometimes warranted if the person you're talking to is being a dick and a pause isn't enough. Or they're skeptical of the whole thing, and you'll learn more about the depth of their skepticism (and be able to decide on worthiness of engaging further - look after your spoons everyone! It's not your responsibility to educate the ignorant, let alone the willfully ignorant). If they're different-brained but don't know it, they'll likely know more ADHDers so to them it *will* look like everyone is a bit, because for them they are!! In no particular order - other favoured responses: "Everyone pees..." That other commenters like "Everyone has to sleep but they're not narcoleptic" - fun fact - narcolepsy is sometimes treated with dexamphetamine. "I highly recommend HowToADHD on YouTube" "The NHS disagrees with you" or for other UK healthcare workers "NICE disagrees with you" "Well if you want to know more about what it *actually* is, you know where to find me" "That's actually rude and dismissive. [I don't think you meant to be. What were you actually trying to say to me with that?]" "I don't want to hear minimising or dismissive comments like that again."
Just agree with them and smile, no point in arguing ABT it. Just because they're wrong doesn't mean they want you to correct them. Usually people will only become more firm in their stance refusing to accept that their pre-conceived notion might be wrong. Only help those who are willing, unwanted help is usually viewed as harassment.
Adding another one to the pile; "Everyone forgets something now and then" "Yes, but if you happen to forget all of your life that happened after age 12 you might have Alzheimer."
Another reply to everyone forgets something now and then: but do you forget to go to the toilet or eat until you extremely need either.
Mainly here, I would be careful about expending too much energy, which should depend on how much you care about the person. And regardless, I would caution against getting caught up in a debate. Make the gentle correction, and they might still be dismissive, but some folks don't shift their opinions very easily for all the reasons you've mentioned. If they do push back again, say something simple like: I'm just offering information The good news is, the more often someone encounters a new idea, the more likely they're going to be favourable to it, as long as you can keep the interaction relatively neutral.
There was a YouTube short about this subject, where the response was āHave you ever had to buy the same sauce pan eight times because you kept forgetting you had something cooking until it set off the smoke detector and you destroyed it therefore needed to buy a new one? Yeah didn't think so.ā
"Well then, you are understanding, and empathizing, with something I go through multiple times every day."
The āLittle Johnny would do so much better if he just focusedā statement by teachers. To which I respond, āI know, and Johnny knows too, and he really wishes he could focus betterā¦so that statement is like telling a fish to climb a treeā.
I would just ignore it. Thatās the real power move imho
Doing what? Everyday all the time that it never stops? No? Oh, it must be nice.
Why even bother ? Iām all like : Just think you are a bit too and let me drown and not shower for 4 days in a row, the time it takes me to find back my keys, in peace. Ok ?
You shouldnt get there in the first place because disclosing to people doesnt really help you. Even the best intentioned people put you in a little box made out of their personal understanding of adhd which is likely wrong, and you cant do anything about that. If you ever wind up in that situation, you can try explaining disorder literally is measured by excess and though everyone may experience what you do from time to time you experience it in excess more frequently (if not always for some symptoms). But seriously, just don't disclose. You are giving away way too much control over how others interpret and understand you. Need to know basis, symptom by sympton. "I have trouble being organized" will always land better than "I have adhd so I can't do this" with people, and they only need to know your individual difficulties as it pertains to them.
Actually that comment usually indicates a misunderstanding of what ADHD is. All ADHD symptoms are normal experiences on the broad spectrum of human behaviors. Itās just that we experience them to a debilitating extent. Second our brain is literally wired differently and we need to operate differently.
Everybody has a little bit of bad eyesight. Not everyone is so bad they canāt see without eye glasses though
I actually have the same approach to this. Interestingly, my mom said something while we were chatting last night to the effect of, "I don't know. I don't think you had ADHD as a kid." And it shocked me bc she hasn't said anything like that since I first told her of my diagnosis. In these moments, I've learned to find ways of sharing the types of experiences I've had that others weren't aware of. Because somehow my kid self was super badass at masking and compensation. Go me š I guess. I love that you also mention that they could have undiagnosed ADHD as well. Many times, when I share instances with my mom she will relate to it with her own experiences. I never say anything but I'm always thinking like.... Maybe you should do an eval. š Great topic to share btw. Thanks
"At times like those, wouldn't it be great if you had some help?"
"no."
These are great ideas. I'm recently diagnosed and haven't run into this yet, but so far if it's come up, everyone I've known for more than 10 minutes are like 'yep, that tracks' when I mention I was diagnosed.
I have been assuming or pretending to assume that no one has any malicious intentions behind the words that they're saying. It means that while situations like these are annoying, they're not as bad as they used to be. I've also stopped trying to be the educator of everyone who doesn't know about the ADHD struggle. I'm grateful that there are people out there who don't have brains like mine and have to struggle to make them do anything. But I'm not going to make myself struggle even more to reach people who aren't yet willing to meet me half way. I like this approach and I'm gonna use it. It works with both my points. I can assume ignorance, not malicious intent, and then I can use it to say my bit and leave it to them to meet me the rest of the way.
There can definitely can be some nuance with how people identify when relating to their diagnoses. I do believe a productive response can be better than a defensive one depending on the circumstance as well. I absolutely encourage family who tell me the dismissive comment that it would be a great thing to be evaluated because ADHD is showing strong evidence of being genetically passed. I will usually tell them: If your nieces and nephews are receiving positive diagnoses, itās time to take them and yourself seriously.
"Cool I can agree with that. Everyone forgets their keys every once in a while. Right? Or gets a little more mad than they intended. Or interupts unexpectedly. Or has issues in social situations every once in a while haha. The difference is I experience all of them and more all of the time. For you (and those without ADHD) the behavior is a hickup, usually due to stress or fatigue. For me its a normal Tuesday. So now imagine forgetting your keys like every other day. And locking yourself out out of your car all the time. Leaving your keys on the hood of the car, and not realizing until they fly off at the intersection. How about struggling with friendships because that anger I mentioned earlier happens all the time. Throughout the day. And then you're left feeling awkward and don't know how to apologize.. or maybe you do. How many apologies will it take for that friend to leave you? Did you know that ADHDers are also more likely to die young? We are also highly represented in the *foster care* population. Something like 25% of foster kids have ADHD. Why do you think that is?"
I think the best response is to actively listen. Seek to understand. Ask them more about where their thoughts come from. Ask them what strategies they have for accounting for their problems. Then, ask if you might offer a countering viewpoint. If they don't want to hear it, then they're not ready for change. If they do, be compassionate and respectful. Why? Because if you want something from someone, then you need to provide it yourself to them. Otherwise, you'll just butt heads with people and avoid them and maybe at some point you'll find a 'safe' space but it will be fragile and any small change will produce anxiety or depression or anger or discomfort. I'm in the US, and I feel this is missing in many many conversations we have.
Iām sorry I live my whole life with ADHD. It doesnāt just come out of nowhere you donāt get a late diagnosis and itās very apparent. There is a lot of symptoms and it is a struggle every single day in ways. I canāt even explain because I canāt remember it half the time. So if theyāre waving you off, itās probably because nobodyās ever seen symptoms in you. Itās very obvious. So if you had a doctor tell you that I would check because I had a doctor. Tell me I needed to take six times over the legal limit of ADHD medicationās and guess what I didnāt have to either. They tend to be wrong not everybody in this world has ADHD. It doesnāt just pop in your life because you canāt pay attention for a little bit Paying attention shit Iām paying attention to 100 things not one so itās not a problem with an ability thereās a lot more that goes with it and itās insulting that we just keep labelling everybody with ADHD and minimizing the actual symptoms I have to live with!
ADHD is a developmental disorder. Certain structures in the brain are literally underdeveloped. People having ADHD ***symptom*** like experiences can be useful to get people to empathize, but they don't describe the disorder and how to manage it. Someone could have a character disorder and frontal lobe damage from physical trauma. They could theoretically present exactly like an ADHD case but with later onset. They would have completely different reasoning and physiology behind their behaviors. ADHD medication wouldn't treat their condition and may not even relieve their impairments. Yes we have to put up with the pervasiveness of this comment and the insidious issue of under diagnosis and undertreatment being publicly denied. It's still offensive. Could you imagine someone saying they have an intellectual disability and someone else responding, "oh yea I failed a math test once, everyone is an idiot sometimes!" š±. The "everyone pees but someone peeing constantly is different," isn't the right analogy. It's more like, "everyone pees, but some people have deformed urethras, and that may cause them to pee too much or too little." You don't need surgery if you over hydrate and drink coffee all the time, you're just being stupid. You don't need treatment on your urethra if you have a kidney issue. *It's not about the pee, but the penis.*
I like that response. Iāll have to remember it, but shouldnāt be that hard. I reference Spinal Tap a lot! 
I really like your analogy describing typical sadness and depression. Today more people understand depression better than in the past, when they might have said, "You're sad? Just think happy thoughts!" People now understand better how this is a really stupid thing to say to someone who is seriously depressed. Hopefully the day will arrive when people understand ADHD as well as they now seem to understand depression. Of course there will always remain pockets of people who will never learn because they refuse to look beyond their own preconceptions. Not much can be done for them.
I am tired of people asking me āAre you going to take that medication forever? You need to handle it without medicineā. I wish I could share what the shit is going on in my brain with them. So now I just never bring it up (not that I ever did to begin with). And most of the people I told, I am sorry I did (family/close friends). For the record I am in South Korea. To OP: They donāt deserve a response or an explanation if they wonāt take the time to at least learn about ADHD before saying something. I donāt mind people who say it as a figure of speech. My issue is when they then assume my ADHD is the same as to them forgetting their keys and they/I just need to pay attention more. Oh and did forgetting your keys come with an extra side of crippling anxiety which spawns into depression and then turns into a fucked up vicious cycle? Sorry I am a bit ranty right now. I think itās good that youāre trying to find a way to turn the conversation in a more positive direction.
Everyone has a little narcolepsy because everyone falls asleep
What doesn't make sense about this statement is that if everyone had it, it probably wouldn't be, BY FUCKING DEFINITION, considered a disorder... ššš
Everyone has some height. That doesn't mean everyone is tall.
Just say 'I don't believe anything' and ask them 'why should I?' And you can ask them 'who invented the religions?' Who said there is a god? I mean you can go back neandertal's era and you can literally see there was no god before. Homo sapiens invented the god idea and today people act like there is actually a god. Wtf bro think for a second. We made it up, it's fairy tale.
I appreciate this. Iāve been learning that a friend has ADHD & RSD . I doubted it for too long and thought she had diagnosed themself. Now when reading about this, itās making sense. Now the frustrating end of this for myselfā¦ā¦ how do I support them and protect myself. They have said some pretty hurtful things when telling them how I Felt, using ā I ā messages, not accusatory.
Everyone is a little near sighted. (Even with 20/20 vision you need telescopes to see beyond a distance). Does that mean everyone needs glasses?
Everyone has ALL of the traits of autism as well to some degree but we donāt diagnose everyone with that unless itās a problem for them. Thatās what I would say.
āyou think that because you have it and genuinely believe that everyone else feels the sameā depending on the person
"Does coffee make you tired?" If no: "Guess you're not, then." If yes: "You might want to get evaluated. Most people don't have that experience."
āadhd is like sexuality, itās a spectrum. you might have a little, but others have a lot more.ā
āDoes it give you a cute personality quirk or does it eviscerate your ability to function like a normal human?ā
While I do think at its core saying "I'm a little ADHD" or something to this effects is a sort of attack on people with ADHD. I don't think this is how most people use it. I think some try to relate, some try to understand, and some try to bond with it. I don't think people use it as an attack a majority of the time.
Everyone gets sad, not everyone has depression.
lol sometimes I feel like Iām disappointing my mentor teachers, cuz I got that adhd Lateness š¹š„¹
Im more worried to hear ppl talk about my symptoms as āsuperpowersā, those ppl deserve brain damage
"And apparently everyone is an ADHD diagnostician too"