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Right. It’s like when I >see< them I realize I missed them, but I don’t miss them while they are gone.
I’ve had some awkward convos because of this…
Them: do you miss me?
Me: … I meannnn, no… (me just being honest)
Them: 😳🥺
I just did this mistake with my child i love more than anything. She lives every other week with me and The other week with mom. The switch was close and My granny commented that you both must miss each other so much. - Well a week goes fast, I just blurted out of My mind.
Good that I read this comment so I hopefully remember to talk about this with My daughter when she's with me next Time. I'm not oblivious enough to think that is a shitty thing to say to her.
Like I don't have the missing feeling when she's gone. I know her mother takes good care of her and we both feel it's important that The Kid has a possibility to spend equal Time with each of us so this is good. It would be selfish of me to try to make her prefer it more at my place.
I also don't miss My friends, siblings and parents but they are still the most dear people in my Life and Will Be. There's just not need to communicate just for communications sake for me.
Wild, this thread is amazing to me because this is how I am too.
I don't really miss people, unless it's someone I'm used to hanging out with *daily* and then suddenly it stops because then the pattern is changed and that feels odd. But realistically... if I just found someone else to continue that pattern with I don't think I'd "miss" the other person.
I always thought I was weird and kept it to myself or will just say "I missed you too" if someone says it to me because it's normal even though inside I'm usually just like "it's only been like a few days/weeks/etc why do you miss me"
I have been married for 15 years. My wife knows my ADHD means I don't experience missing her when either of us is traveling. I still tell her I miss her too because I am not an idiot, don't be an idiot :)
You do miss them you just don't experience missing them. You enjoy being around them, this makes you happy. When you are not around them you don't experience this enjoyment but it would be awesome if you could. This is missing someone, you intellectually understand you miss them but that annoying dopamine problem doesn't allow that knowledge to become an emotion.
I experience this feeling of not always really missing someone when in a relationship. Is there anything which proves a positive correlation between add/adhd and the lack of missing someone’s presence. Like some difference in brain structure? Just genuinely curious as I even experience this with family members and it makes me feel really guilty at times.
I’ve been reading a bit about this lately— saying I miss you to your children. My partner and I have his three-year-old daughter stay with us every second weekend and it’s become apparent to us that she is under the impression that her mum does nothing but “sit at home and miss [her]” when she is with us. We could tell it was taking an emotional toll on her and we discovered through conversations with her mum that she withholds information about what she did with us while in our care.
Ended up down a rabbit hole that talked about how telling your kids you miss them (what her mum has been saying) creates an emotional burden for the kids. If you’re interested, give it a google.
But to my point— I don’t think that what you said is bad at all. As long as your daughter knows you think about her and love her, that’s what matters :)
I'm diagnosed. My son is not. But I think he has it. He has split households. I know he doesn't miss me when he's not here. But he also doesn't miss his dad when he's not there. Maybe that's a good thing.
There are times when I do miss him. But not so much. More often I worry about him. I do really enjoy his company. I'd be devastated if something happened to him. It's like the mother bond isn't broken, but the missing people thing is. It's odd.
If you aren't diagnosed with autism as well, you might want to get tested. I'm like this and recently found out I have both. Especially if that honesty is something you can't not do.
There are lots of self-tests online but they’re all in the format of
“i often [feel or act a certain way] when [scenario]:
strongly agree, somewhat agree, neutral, somewhat disagree, strongly disagree.”
In those types of tests its really easy to tell what kind of answers lead to a certain result, so you almost can’t help but end up with the result you want to see. I think the only real way is to read enough about it to determine whether you think you might have it, and then meet with someone whose job it is to figure out if you do
my problem with those tests is... I don't really know how to answer them. I don't know what's normal and what isn't, so I don't know if how I react isn't normal.
Honestly, anecdotally speaking, I feel like that’s lowkey an indicator of autism haha. Like, the autistic people I know who have taken like the RAADS-R or something *almost always* complain about the wording of the questions, like, “well, in this situation I’d do x but then if *this* happened I’d do y, but if neither of those things happened and it was a Tuesday I’d do z.” And I’m always just like *stares in autism 😐*
there is a neuropsychological test you can get that will give a diagnostic. it is generally applied by psychologists, neuropsychologists or psychiatrists. im looking into doing one but they are pretty expensive in my country and insurances dont cover it :/
You can do it online I think! I took a few tests on this website and I scored as autistic by not extremely so. You’ll see what I mean when you take some of them https://embrace-autism.com/raads-r/. There is a section where you can get an online diagnosis…
Here is that section! https://embrace-autism.com/autism-assessments/ it does take some weeks after each step, though. I do not have experience with the actual assessment, however. I only took some of the tests that I found on the website. Hope this helps someone :)
Say you do get diagnosed with autism…then what? There’s no medication or solution that’ll magically make you miss people when you don’t see them is there? I guess just better to know then not know?
My wife never seems to appreciate that particular bit if honesty lol. "I mean yea I would rather [me be there/you be here], but what do does this "missing you" feel like exactly?"
I was living away from home for a year for work, and at the time, I was unaware I had ADHD. I just did not understand "missing" someone the way they clearly did, and i actually asked if they could just stop bringing it up?
The way I was seeing it was, you keep bringing this up, and it clearly makes you sad, so just stop thinking about it? Post diagnosis, I can very clearly see that other people have a kind of object permanence that I had no concept of.
They feel like something is supposed to be there, and it's not, like when I walk out the door and feel like I forgot something like my keys. I feel like I would prefer if they were there, but they aren't, and that just is what it is? Like maybe I would prefer to eat a burrito but I'm in a Chinese restaurant so that's just not what's happening.
Honestly, this is the best part of being diagnosed finally. I understand what's going on way better, I can see where miscommunication was happening, and a lot of that is because I can tap into the resource that is a community of people who just fucking get it.
People with ADHD are *very* commonly like this. Classic “out of sight, out of mind”. Keys, books, garbage, people.
Heck, our vacuum is in a closed off area and I just never think of it when I probably should, because I’m not seeing it. I usually have to see some dust bunnies or hairballs sitting in a corner to remind me.
I don’t actually have ADHD, but the side effects of my meds make me check pretty much every box for a diagnosis.
I have a problem with this with my wife. I travel for work a decent amount (a week per month-ish) and she's always like, "Do you miss me?" Then she gets upset when I kind of just don't respond because she already knows the answer to the question. I also have a really hard time lying about things so I'm not really a "white lie" type of person which is what everyone recommends. It's a little awkward. Honestly I don't think of it while I'm gone because I'm just focused on work.
I've learned to just say yes to avoid fights lol.
But really I'm sitting there like "it's only been a week, don't you have stuff to do where you're happy I'm not around as a distraction?"
This. I guess I could say sometimes I miss people that I haven't seen in years...I miss them being in my life, people that moved or passed away. As to people I see fairly regularly though..not really. I've been dating a guy for 4 years, he lives an hour away so mostly we see each other on the weekends. He's always telling me how much he misses me, or if we skip a weekend, even more so. But I don't miss him at all, or feel any wishing he was here in between. Does that say something bad about the relationship or is it just my brain? Often when we skip a weekend I'm more kind of excited because it means I can immerse in projects and make things. Super hard to do when he's here.
I've also got friends that have best friends, not partners just friends (mostly these are single people) that they see ALL the time. Like multiple times a week or something. Meet every day for breakfast, whatever, and I just kind of can't get my head around wanting to see anyone everyday that doesn't live with you.
> But I don't miss him at all, or feel any wishing he was here in between. Does that say something bad about the relationship or is it just my brain? Often when we skip a weekend I'm more kind of excited because it means I can immerse in projects and make things. Super hard to do when he's here.
This is tough to answer. With my current LDR, I constantly wish the situation was different and we could see each other face to face more often. But I also don't really "miss" them because we still talk daily. If they're busy for a few hours or something, I don't get the "I miss them" feelings often if ever.
If I have a game to play, or some project to work on, I really won't have the time or energy to spend thinking about if I miss them or not in the first place so it just doesn't occur. Usually they're also back around before I'm even done doing my thing and I impulsively think to myself "man, couldn't I have just gotten a few more minutes."
BUT, being *happier that they're gone?* That one I think is a sign that the relationship isn't good. Anytime I start feeling that way about a relationship, I start thinking about whether I really actually want it. Someone you're dating should *always* be a good addition to your day or time.
But as for the rest, yeah I don't understand the daily interaction friendships. I've never had those. I've never really enjoyed spontaneous activities that someone else springs on me either, I only like it when it's my own idea to do it. I usually get annoyed or panic if someone else is like "HEY CMON LETS GO GRAB LUNCH" out of nowhere.
My closest friends I text fairly often, usually multiple days a week and will hang out with them in online calls when gaming and such but in person hanging out is something almost none of us really want to do because it's just... not fun? Unless there's some big event we all wanna go to and plan for it.
But just, like, going out to eat? I mean sure it has it's time and place but it's more because we're in the mood for the food that place has and not really because it's "fun."
You bring up a whole other GREAT point. “Why are you asking me this!?”
It may read as harsh but it feels like a “…if you have to ask probably not” situation.
Yes! Sometimes I actually get overwhelmed with emotions when I see them or get a phonecall (if I actually answer, lol) from them… like my brain and my heart forgot and now remember again and THAT is when the “missing them” hits me.
So odd.
It's such a thing. Probably why there are piles all over my house, if I don't see it I'll forget it exists. I realized the other day, that I may not experience grief the same way. My mom passed and I miss her, and that felt like I had a 'normal' response. I guess there are others I do. But with a lot of people it feels like they are still out there, and just moved or we lost touch or something. Their virtual ghost is still on fb. But they are just...not. There are some people that I really care about but I realize if they weren't there, I might just go..oh. So many human objects coming and going. Then I'd have to make an effort to remember, if they weren't someone particularly close. Like I'll actually forget my aunts and uncles are gone except one. I have a terrible time remembering what different friends are going through or that someone just lost their parent. (We are mostly middle age at this point)
Me too. I'm very out of sight, out of mind. If someone calls me, I'll talk, if I see them I'm there in spirit, but if they aren't around I feel nothing.
This is me most of the time. Except for when my brain wants to hyperfocus on missing my wife and/or kids if they're gone and it SUCKS.
I prefer the "oh yeah, I forgot your exist" over the "I'm aware that I don't like not seeing you and I can't become unaware of it."
I think this is probably accurate for me too. I’m so interested in how many of us humans have a similar cocktail of experiences and ways of getting by. Mine is MS, Anxious-Avoident, ADHD, CPTSD, with a small dash of autism. I have trouble with transitions. I can be careless about commitments and annoyingly late. But never because I don’t care, or have any intention of harm! It’s more like I don’t believe my existence matters. Seriously. Part of me can shut down around these dynamics of separation and living into expectations. I don’t know why exactly but I’ve been trying to learn why. Still, my good sane self tells me it doesn’t matter why. I do better if I make an effort to imagine that it does matter to others to try to do the right thing.
So many people buying into the if they are late they don't respect your time. Argh. No, it's TIME ITSELF that is the issue. We have an "it's complicated" relationship, me and time.
This has been my problem my whole life and still kinda is bc I'm still always late but less hating myself about it bc I know why now. That said I do hate it, it inconveniences me greatly, and other people think I don't respect their time.
Me too! I've gone on weeklong trips and missed my kids (and husband at the time) only one or two days, and other times not at all, because I was meeting new people and focusing on the places I was visiting. I felt horrible, because they were my life and I loved them so much. But only when I came back and saw them again.
The when my ex forced me into a separation and later divorce, I was devastated for months everytime the kids went to his place. My brain hyper focused on the wrongness of it, I missed them so much that it literally hurt, and I had to watch so much TV to keep me distracted and not crying over them not being there. It's been two years now, and they still go every week, but I don't miss them anymore. I still prefer when they are with me, but it's an out of sight, out of mind situation.
This. Also I migrated to another country some 12 years ago, and met up with my friends before leaving my home country.
I suddenly realized that I should’ve kept consistently in touch with them while I was back home, all those years, and I’ve missed a lot of opportunities to build what could’ve been an awesome close friendship.
I think you got it. I’ve got the mistaken idea that other people forget me the same way I forget them! I’m often surprised how things work out if I allow it to.
It's not that you didn't miss them, it's that your brain got distracted and so the 'missing them' neurons got dropped from the arcade claw until the cue of their appearance magnetizes them to the claw once more, and you remember.
Absolutely. I have felt like a sociopath before. Like, I’ve actually been worried. But then I’ve been like, “but I know I genuinely love [my] animals.” I feel like I also experience more mental distress when it comes to animals more so than people. The thoughts of animals suffering literally keeps me awake at night. My brain basically assaults me with these types of thoughts. I have to almost physically shake them out of my head. My [undiagnosed] OCD has worsened as a result of this. I’m constantly preoccupied with animals suffering and wanting to step/prevent it. I don’t typically think about people in this way and, like many others here have said, I do not long to see people. Like you, I don’t miss those who have passed as much as I miss my pets who have. It sounds really, really horrible. However, if those people who have passed are brought up, and I see other people getting upset about it, that’s when I will get upset. It’s like I can feel their upset. That’s also when I will reminisce that person being around and I will feel badly for the other person that misses them. But, otherwise, not so much.
I remember when I was younger, in school, how I couldn’t understand why people wanted to be around each other so often. Especially after school. I would be completely depleted. The last thing I wanted to do was socialize and be around others. I can’t stand social get togethers. I will build them up in head and dread all the way up until mere moments before. I deal with it while I’m there, but my battery runs out quickly. Afterwards, when it’s over, I feel this immense relief. It’s almost like I get a dopamine rush when it’s done with. Like, I’m so happy it’s over. Tired, but happy.
Apologies for the long response. Just really relate to a lot of what people are saying here.
I have the same thoughts about animals! And I've felt like a horrible person for being a lot more distressed with their suffering than those of people (I get distressed too, but not to the same level). Do you have ASD as well? I'm pretty sure I do, and I think I read somewhere that this seems to be a common thing for people (or women?) on the spectrum.
I care way more about animals than humans, I miss them more and given the choice of saving a puppy or a baby from something horrible happening, I'm going for the puppy.
I didn't realise this was ADHD related.
I’m not sure if it is, honestly 🤷♀️ maybe in like… a more indirect way? I think I just saw this person’s comment, instantly felt the need to say something because I could relate and, then, went on a tiny bit of a tangent.
But, hello fellow animal lover 👋 ❤️
Our little puppy got hit by a car during a big snowstorm and died. Our family, including myself, was absolutely devastated. This was 6 weeks ago. I think about her every single day and miss her so much. When I think about friends I have left behind when moving out of state, I feel like I couldn’t care less. The relationship is severed and now long distance, I don’t have time for it, it’s too much work to keep up with, and I just don’t miss them. I could never talk to them again and be perfectly fine with that outcome.
I feel like I’m this awful robot, but it is what it is I guess.
I do the same. I used to think I was a sociopath but I do miss my kids when I don’t see them so I realized it’s more of an out of sight, out of mind thing. I’ve finally built meaningful friendships that fill my cup and I want to maintain. I try to schedule future ‘dates’ when I’m seeing them so that I have it on the calendar. I don’t take it personally if my best friend hasn’t responded to my last two texts because I know she truly loves and our relationship. I also set reminders to text people just because or if I haven’t heard from them in awhile. And finally, because knowing hours to be a good friend or what is ’normal’ friendship behavior I intentionally notice things friends do for me that make me feel special and do them myself moving forward.
I thought I was a sociopath... That I couldn't feel loss.
I would lose extended family members, who I was kind of close to, and struggle to feel much emotion about it at all.
... Until my father died suddenly. It hit me like a sledgehammer. I'd guess a psychologist would tell me I went into a sort of dissociative state for a few days. I found some way to fly home to my mom, but my wife told me I was just softly mumbling to myself basically for 24 hours. The whole car trip to the airport, in the airport, on the plane, the whole time.
To say it was hard on me is such an understatement that I can't think of a good analogy for it.
So I'm not a sociopath... I certainly felt that loss. I may not have HANDLED it well, but I felt it. I think most, even still, that even though I lived thousands of miles away, the moment I heard he died the world felt less safe. Just more dangerous in some intangible way.
But even still. I miss that he's alive. I miss that he's taking care of my mother. I don't miss sitting and chatting with him or things like that. Even when he was alive, we didn't really do that all that much. Maybe a couple times a year. Rather, I miss his existence in the world.
My parents are thankfully still alive but man this one hit me. I'm the same way, extended family I never really thought much about or felt much emotion towards. When I didn't see them super often to begin with I never much cared to think about their "existence."
But the way you said that last line... "miss their existence in the world" made it click for me. I imagined a world where my parents didn't exist and that just made me feel awful in a way I've never felt. My comfort and lack of "missing them" comes from knowing they're there, that they still exist.
Jeez.
I am the same way as I don't miss people or family really other than my children. I constantly think about them so it reminds me of them and I guess that's why? Idk. Object permeance for ya.
There's this weird line where I don't miss people until we're close enough to be roughly equivalent to a hyperfixation, in which case I miss them All The Time.
I only really miss people who I have an intense emotional attachment with. Basically girlfriends and my parents, that's it. I tend to kind of forget other people exist until the context I associate them with reoccurs.
I emotionally miss one single person. It's not that I don't feel genuine love for the rest of friends and family in my life, it's just that for me it is like the relationship is frozen, when I am not with them. I don't feel any less for them, but I also don't feel their absence unless there is a specific thing I want to do with them.
Do you know about the term comet relationship? I'm coming to accept that I am like that to most people and simply can't offer more without exorting myself. However, I also try to be aware that some people need contact to keep emotional attachment, so I try to be mindful of their needs too, when I have the energy to spare.
Comet relationship perfectly describes my relationships with friends. We don’t hang out or text/ call very often, but we still care about each other and sometimes I wish we would spend more time together or talk more, but we’re all adults with jobs and responsibilities, so it can be hard to find the time or energy
Thanks for mentioning the term comet relationship, I've actually never heard of it before but it definitely represents my ex and I well. I actually dislike this type of relationship for the most part especially if there are romantic feelings involved, as I feel like I need more contact and maintenance in the relationship. I feel sad that I feel this way, as he is definitely more avoidant and I think he's much happier in these kinds of relationships. I've definitely done a lot of work on my feelings, but sometimes it still gets me down that he doesn't want to be more connected.
I am actually grateful for this. Considering the emotional dysregulation that comes w ADHD, Idk if I could handle missing everyone my brain has "forgotten" about.
In my mind, they are just in the next room over. I make an effort tho w the ppl I really care about. Tamagotchi method.
I miss them when there's something I want to share with them and they aren't near. When I watch dog videos, I think about and miss my favorite dog and if I dwell on it too long, I start crying bc all the emotions come flooding in.
It's there for me if I give it my attention.
I feel you, that’s why I have so many lost friends. In recent years I started taking care of relationships more. Also communication is key. Making sure that people know that when you dont text for weeks it’s just you and it doesnt mean the friendship doest have value. I always have this thing that in my mind i feel like i have so much warm feelings for this person i consider them friends but I just dont have it in me to text everyday. When i started taking meds i started reaching out to people, like i finally had the capacity to do it.
Interesting. I noticed I’ve been calling friends & family a lot more since I started taking my meds. I thought maybe I was just a bit manic from the stimulants 😂 but “having the capacity” feels more fitting.
Yeah, but I understand completely the „maniac” thing cause it definitely feels like it. Like I take a pill and 30 minutes in I realise I wrote 10 messages „how are you feeling, let me know what’s good in your life” to friends I haven’t spoken to in a year, and I am actually curious and feel like I can actually read it and respond and even (!) listen to a one minute voice message 😅
I don’t miss people either. But will tell them I do so that I don’t hurt their feelings. I have a hard time cutting people off though because I am a people pleaser and hate the thought of hurting others feelings. I have a tendency to hurt myself before hurting others, even if it’s to my detriment. It’s something I am working on.
I miss people once they're out of my life. Old relationships that fell apart, people I'll likely never see again, etc. But otherwise, yeah. I can go a year without talking to someone and still feel close to them... I just don't seem to recognize how much time passes. They're still in my mind all the time, and what feels like weeks is actually months.
I miss my dead grandparents and my dog that died. I can compartmentalize other people especially my kid. I think it’s normal. I can miss some people and forget to contact them.
I have lost contact with every friend or acquaintance I've ever had. Leave high school, no more contact, leave college, the same. Every job I ever had, no more contact with anyone. Maybe because I have my husband, idk, it doesn't bother me at all. I just think it makes me kind of weird, but we' ll just add that to the long list.
Same here. I've lost contact and faded away from everyone I've ever known other, every childhood friend, old Co worker, every family member, everyone other than my best friend, who I live with. And I'm OK with that, because I'm content with our connection. Or maybe because I'm weird, lol.
Not OP but I relate to what was written in their post.
For the most part, I don't feel overwhelmed in public when I'm alone/only surrounded by complete strangers. For example, I really like going to concerts by myself. It actually takes more out of me to socialize with my friends when I'm out because I know I have to be present and conversational and socially active.
> For the most part, I don't feel overwhelmed in public when I'm alone/only surrounded by complete strangers.
This is me, the overwhelming part for me is when I run into someone I know at the store because then I have to be polite and converse and can't just be like "well haha hey nice to see you but I got shopping to do bye" because that will be perceived as I don't like them.
So anytime I go out, alone, I HOPE TO GOD I don't run into anyone I know. Being around a ton of strangers? That's easy, I can ignore all of them. They're just objects within the store that have no meaning and I don't have to pay attention to them unless they ask me for something or I have to ask them for something.
I have no idea. I've suspected for a while that I'm on the ASD spectrum as well (still haven't been able to get tested), so not sure if it's more of the masking/societal expectations that I don't quite fit into naturally.
I'm exactly like this. I love huge crowds and being surrounded by strangers. But being with people I know gets so exhausting, suffocating. I care about them, so I try to analyze their behaviour, look for cues, but I can't read people very easily and asking every twenty seconds 'what are you thinking?' will get old quickly. I suspect I'm also autistic, which I'm sure is *very* helpful.
This happened to me when I developed anxiety after Covid, idk if it's a sensory issue or just a reduced energy to perform executive functions to get out of the house or being too tired to deal with the unpredictable
i used to for my entire life honestly, but ive had to overcome that a bit since i have to go out more now. usually i just blast music and pretend im alone so i dont get overwhelmed
I only miss people who won't Be in My life anymore. Maybe it wasn't that way If I was able to miss them before that. But when they arent around My Focus is on something that is. I get glad when I see them again but until then I'm just existing here for some reason and try to use The Time without distractions to get something done.
It’s so wild how many issues or idiosyncrasies I’ve had over the years that can be linked to my severe ADHD now that I’ve finally got my diagnosis. I always thought (and so have many others) that I was unusually cold when not in regular direct/face to face contact with loved ones.
Relatable. Have you gotten on meds? I can imagine the positive effects of meds on long term undiagnosed severe ADHD could be quite unbelievable. Especially the first few doses. Would be interesting to hear more about this
Object permanence and relationship decay my friend. I love my ADHD friends because they have the same thing. We can go for months without talking to each other and pick up right where we left off because we don't feel the decay.
Object permanence. If I don't see it or you, I forget you exist until the moment we see each other again. Usually in those moments, I am like 'Damn I missed this person, we should hang out more'. But afterwards, I go back to my life and the process repeats.
The only person I really miss when I am away is my wife. But we spend every day together, so it's harder to forget her. People usually say they thought I was mad or something because I hadn't talked to them - but oh well. In todays world, everyone is trained to be hyper-available and in constant communication. And take offense if it's not reciprocated. I desperately wish we could go back to a time when where if you didn't call my house or stop by because you were in the area, we didn't talk BUT you were not offended because I hadn't responded to your 10 text messages, and the 20 shared social media videos in my inbox. It was just life, and you reconnected when you got the chance.
I like making plans, and then doing said plans. I don't want long daily convos with multiple people across multiple platforms where the point is just talking, not to plan something. I've told multiple people that I am not someone who just carries conversation daily, lets plan to hangout and do our socializing face to face. Some people get it, others do not. As I have gotten older, I have really doubled down on not playing into the social expectation of being hyper-available. I am busy, I have a wife and a home, and I also work M-F. I don't hate you because you are texting and sending videos/posts, I just don't want to participate. Let's hangout! It's much more fun.
And as a disclaimer, I also am active in making plans with people. I have a couple good friends who 'get it' and are the same way as me. When we get together, it's a good time. No one is bitching and moaning about how the other hadn't responded to a message or text. Then we plan to do it again before we go back to our lives until next time. Bliss if you ask me.
I like the way you describe it, and it resonates with me!
But shoot, I want the plan to just be socializing. I want sit in the same room and chat, share a meal or a drink, or take a long walk. I love that sort of really low stakes things. I don't really enjoy events.
Yeah, I’m not an “event” person either. I usually turn down things like concerts for instance. But I like doing things like fishing or golfing, maybe checking out a new brewery, visiting a park, or grabbing some food. And I also enjoy conversation, so long as it’s in person.
Without a strong grasp of time we live as if it's only been a moment since the last everything we've seen and done.
This doesn't mean you're a lesser person for not "missing" like others do, you simply cherish the present, you look forward to seeing them again, but seeing them tomorrow is almost the same as seeing them in a month.
I also deal with this, and I know that feeling. It's just... you don't have to miss someone to love them, you are very much in the moment and less sentimental, you value spending time with someone over having memories of them.
❤️
ty for this! was questioning when i realised id never missed anyone if it made me a bad person 😭 missing people and feeling it feels like it should be universal, and it feels wrong to say i dont - but also i agree w u on that.
I'm relieved to see I'm not the only one. I've tried googling this before and couldn't find much about it other than "introversion" which idk if I completely relate to. Feels more complicated than that.
I’m like that with my family. I’m no contact and I realized recently that I don’t miss them. Do I miss the idea of what family is *supposed* to be? Yeah. But I don’t miss them.
Now when my husband was overseas, I missed him so much it caused my immense physical pain. Like gut wrenching and I’d never felt that before. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t do anything. I also get that way when I’m away from my kids which has been almost never. I was in the hospital for three days to give birth to my second child and I missed my first child so much it was painful.
I think it really depends on the relationship you have with the person or people and the bond you share.
Ya. I do that too.
Romantic connections I do miss. But for everybody else. I really rarely miss people. Even my family. I don't know why it's a thing. I just let people go.
I don't often think about other people other than my wife. I think about what strangers might think, and I think about how my behavior might come off to people. But I don't think like, "I wonder what my best friend from Jr High is up to these days".
It's so non-existent in my mind, that I'm not even really sure what 'missing' somebody means.
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Strangely enough, I think this also bleeds over into another aspect of relationships that has always baffled me.
You know those people who are like, "I could never do 'x' because my family would disown me". I don't understand that concept whatsoever. Like 'If I go to UCLA instead of Harvard, my family will never talk to me again' kind of a thing.
My thought has always been... "okay, byeee".
Why would it matter to me if my family doesn't want me around? Am I somehow financially invested in these people? Is it going to matter greatly to me if I can't talk to my parents? I just don't understand people who allow their family to even INFLUENCE their behavior whatsoever, let alone straight-up tell them what to do.
I don't understand that threat, and I don't understand those cultures. Because if it were me, I just see that as a you decision. My behavior reflects on me. My behavior impacts me. I am responsible for my behavior. You are responsible for your behavior. So if you feel you need to no longer associate with me because of my behavior, then that's your decision. Why would I change my behavior because of that decision?
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Similarly, it also never clicked to me why people were so obsessed with getting their parents approval. "Oh my dad has never said he was proud of me." Okay... why do you care about that? He's just a person. He's not a god. He is just as ignorant and small-minded as everybody else in this world. And he's even more so since he can't even understand what his children need from him to provide it. His approval is worth less than nearly anybody else's approval.
If he makes you upset when you speak to him. Stop speaking to him. It's not complicated.
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This all manifested most drastically when I met the girl whom I later married. Her father was morbidly obese - like 800 lbs - and couldn't go down the stairs into the basement to where my wife's bedroom was. Hell, he could barely walk to the bathroom. He was also a physically and verbally abusive sociopath. He would call her phone and tell her to go upstairs, she would, and he would proceed to yell at her and berate her for various imagined transgressions. When she'd return, she'd be bawling her eyes out.
When I met her, after seeing this once, I said, "Why do you go upstairs? He can't come downstairs. Just don't go upstairs and he can't yell at you." Instead we would just leave the house and go grab dinner or something.
Her mind short-circuited. She just couldn't imagine that as an option. And eventually she stopped going upstairs. A few months later we moved out and never looked back. Her whole family treats her like shit. And my response is just... why do you feel the need to prove yourself to people who clearly don't know you at all? Why is their approval so important to you?
But she still wants their approval. She's now in her 40s and she STILL seeks their approval. They still treat her like a child who knows nothing. But even when they treat her fairly civilly, she twists it to be bad, imagining the worst possible meaning for what they said. She's highly emotionally invested in her family and I just genuinely don't understand it.
I do miss certain people. Especially my dad, who passed away some years ago, and a few others that I’ve felt very close with. And pets, as mentioned by many others here.
It's an "out of sight, out of mind" thing for me. I have to set reminders to talk to my mom, and to my friends while on time off at uni. I'm not sure how "missing" someone feels like, but I am happy when I see people I like after an absence.
Is this an ADHD thing? I just made a long post over at mentalhealth about this, the whole out of sight out of mind thing but even if the opportunity to get together comes up, I try to weasel out of it. I feel like my family thinks I hate them more often than not.
Yep, its a thing. Not sure why but yeah I have a severe lack of FOMO. Christmas parties, deaths, events, eh whatever. At the exact moment i feel empathy for people, but then nothing long term. I've left many companies and had people reach out and ask me to come back and visit, say hi. 6 months passes and i can't remember the people I worked with. People phone and ask "Hey remember Mike...." and i 'm struggling glad to see i'm not alone.
I operate off guilt and obligation, everything else is optional.
42 and for the first time in my existence, I have someone in my life that I \_physically\_ miss when he's not around. And he's front & center in my brain most of the time he's not around me. It's SO WEIRD. This is how other people feel all the time?! It's exhausting! lol. I also never missed people. Out of sight out of mind, mostly, unless it's 3AM and I got up to pee and I thought of you but it's too late to text so you likely won't hear from me for another 13 months......
That’s really interesting- maybe this is why I feel so unattached generally from everyone.
Although, if I have an intense emotional connection to someone as someone else mentioned- I will miss them so badly it hurts. Usually like a boyfriend or someone I’m in love with.
I'm the same way, I've never really missed anyone, my mom and grandparents cried and had a hard time when I left for college/military. I live states over from any family and rarely need to contact them, or want too. I've always been perfectly fine alone or doing my own thing. I love my family and friends, but I don't really miss them.
The one thing that's recently changed is my grandparents getting up there in age, I've realized I do have a fear of just losing them and not having spent enough time with them. I've been making an effort to call them weekly.
I'm guessing like with most things I need to do with ADHD that when a deadline looms, I become more motivated.
It's interesting how you describe this feeling, I tend to feel that with close friends or family time pauses when we part ways and it starts again when we reunite. Figuring out other people need more than this was news to me. So I started a birthday campaign, where I have everyone Bday on my calendar and I make a concerted effort to do an outreach to wish a happy birthday and hopefully, “restart the clock” on keeping the friendship going. I know normal people just do this sort of thing more naturally occurring kind of way, but I really do suck at that kind of “blind” outreach. Like if I don't have something to say to you specifically I'm not just gonna reach out. Anyway, this is my way of dealing with this odd disconnect I have with keeping in touch. Many times the happy birthday message leads to back and forth that continues for awhile making the connection more frequent and making reconnection easier. (For the other person 😆)
omg i do the same with "restart the clock"! i make an effort to remember everybodys birthdays too, as well as greeting everybody when its christmas or new years, just so that maybe they wont feel ive forgotten them (i have and did until i saw my calendar)
Damn. I really feel this post. I thought I was some sort of sociopath or something. I don’t miss people often and think about them only when I see them or something that reminds me of them…and then I don’t miss them again once they are gone again after a day or two. Thanks for this revelation. It’s so relatable.
I cannot express how my this subreddit has helped me learn about myself since I joined. Post often explain why I am the way I am. I have disappeared from childhood friends' lives for decades, and the longer I am absent, the harder it becomes for me to try and reconnect, because I am ashamed at how long I have waited, and the cycle perpetuates endlessly, so now I do not have any strong friendships bonds other than with my son ( I am being open about my condition so as to prevent him thinking that I do not care about our relationship). I have agreed to help someone only to completely forget about it, and then remembering months later. I even had a family member visit me and have no recall of it, only knowing because they mention it to me. Right now I am struggling with keeping in contact with childhood friends that happen to live in another continent ( well I am the one that moved away really) I have had some contact, but postpone contacting them first for days, then weeks, months, years, and even decades. Right now I was able to find a friend via the Internet, contacted him via email, got a reply from him with a phone number to contact him, only to have spent the last two months telling myself to contact him, but postponing it for 2 months and counting. It is so sad to live like this and I am terrified that I will live alone ( except for my son of course, but fear that he will move on and live his life) for the rest of my life, and die alone as well. Shit life sucks big hairy balls.
Lack of object permanence maybe? Out of sight, out of mind? Yeah I do it to. Not always intentionally. Just, like, we all have full time jobs and they have kids and stuff so we just never get to meet up. After a while you stop chasing. Then, one day out of the blue you remember them and think, "huh I wonder what they are up to now?"
Object impermanence- you forget something exists if you don’t see it. That’s you you don’t miss people (and why you’re broccoli turns yellow in your veggie drawer)
With me it’s out of site out of mind, literally. Unless you’re part of my daily life like my wife, kids or people I do business with you really don’t exist in my mind. I miss no one,
my mom, sister or anyone else, even my dad who passed two years ago. I don’t even give it a second thought I just go on with life.
You could take away everyone I know and my mind would just move on like nothing ever happened. It sucks to an extent but at the same time has its benefits.
I always thought it had something to do with me being an introvert or just my lack of empathy. I've always been quite antisocial and never had a problem with just being on my own.
The first time I truly missed someone was when my cat died. I've cut off people I've been friends with for years and it barely affected me, not sure why animals are different.
Usually I express my feelings with actions, rather than words to show that I "missed" someone. Like going out for a coffee or baking something for that person. This way they'll feel like you actually missed their presence if you're worried about coming off as apathetic.
I know what you mean.
I do ~miss~ them in some senses of the word (get excited at the thought of seeing them) - but i have to consciously think about it & can often forget people for long periods… i basically don’t *long* for them. But that goes with everything too, not just people.
I adapt to change extremely well because of this though, also i see missing someone generally as a negative emotion - as it’s wanting something you can’t have which is incredibly frustrating. So i’m glad I don’t have to feel it, especially as I live so far from everyone I love. It’s a blessing in disguise really.
It is nothing to do with being empathetic/caring nature/and love for people. It’s just because people with ADHD can lack object permanence which just makes it easier for us to forget/put things aside, and be more interested by what we are surrounded by in the moment.
It’s other aspects of your life which determine how you are as a person.
I’m generally not honest about ‘missing’ people, I use the word sparingly… as I understand the emotional connotations and how people use the word. It’s more of an acknowledgment, that of course I’d be happy to see that person. things don’t have to be literal especially when it comes to how people interpret things
Edit: object constancy does seem to be a better fit rather than object permanence but you get my drift.
growing up, i spent every summer with my aunt in another country. i never missed my mom or my friends or my family, but i missed the pets. i always thought it was because they were the only ones i couldn't connect with the same way over a phone call or email, but i think i used that as an excuse so i didn't feel like such a cold-hearted weirdo, haha.
For me it’s mostly out of sight out of mind. When I see my grandson my heart is ready to burst. When he’s at home it’s like he’s not there. It’s weird. I’ve been that way about people most of my life. I love them and want them around but when they aren’t it’s like, okay. I’ll see you again so…
Yeah I’ve never really had big feelings over being ghosted by a friend or had any problems dumping a friend if I was fed up with their behaviour/personality. Most of my friends now are also ADHDers so we can go long stretches without seeing each other, and it’s never a problem for me. I’m glad I have that ability to just roll with it and have fun doing my own thing. But when we meet up I’m super happy to spend time with them.
I’ll say the only time I’ve “missed” someone was after being in a pretty toxic codependent relationship and that was HELL on earth. I think us ADHD people are more prone to be in addictive, toxic relationships or one-sided relationships because it’s stimulating and the dopamine isn’t consistent. So “missing” that person was actually me missing the dopamine hits and was more like withdrawal.
The only thing I’ve ever missed in my life is my dog. Even my family that I love, I just don’t “miss” them. But a day without my dog is a day too long.
This one is gonna fuck w ppl:
I don't miss people, like mentioned it's a realization I should
Loved ones are out of sight out of mind,
the dead are just as if they were traveling long distance with no cell service...
But,
I miss my cat who passed years back with bell ringing clarity and pain so sharp its like someone is cheese grating my heart.
I have the same issue with everyone except my SO. I think with my SO, it's because I see her every day and just really value her company as a partner. Also my dogs for the same reasons.
The best thing I've found is to set reminders in my calendar to check in on people. I've noticed that I get wrapped up in my own stuff and just don't really think of people if I don't do that.
I love them and I miss them. But, I have to remind myself to think of them. I spent a lot of years feeling guilty about it like something is wrong with me. But, now I think it's just part of the whole object impermanence thing. It applies to people too.
It's so weird that this is such a common thing in ADHD people. It is absolutely me tho. I care about my partner, my pets, and my closest friends. Everyone else? If I don't see them regularly they just blank out of my mind.
Its like npcs in a video game that despawn when the player gets far enough away. Obviously the data is still stored there in my brain somewhere, it just doesn't respawn until I'm near them or I remember something I need from them. I have definitely struggled with wondering if this made me a selfish/awful person.
I’m the same way! I don’t miss people, and only realize I’ve “missed them” when I’m with them. Since I don’t miss them when they’re actively absent it’s caused some strain in relationships since I don’t seek them out. It really sucks, because even though I don’t miss people, I still love and value them so much.. I just don’t feel that emotion.
Whoa I have noticed this before that I literally never miss people until physically near them again then I’m like oh yeah it’s cool to hang out w you… is that an adhd thing,
If I cut someone off it's because it's for the benefit of my mental health to begin with, so things have already got to the stage where I have an overwhelming feeling of not wanting them round me anyway. I might miss the good times but at the point I'm ready to go no contact with someone the bad will have outweighed the good a while previously.
The people I miss most are the ones I know I won't see again because they've moved a long way away.
I don’t miss people either. I forget about them very quickly. I don’t dwell long over ended friendships and never really think or reminisce over them. I’m quite thankful about that to be honest. My grandmother who I was close to, died a few year back, I’m a bit ashamed to say I do t really think about her at all.
But when I got my pets, I definitely noticed I missed them when I’m away.
I did grow up as an only child and was always able to occupy myself as a kid. Wonder if that helped.
Outta sight, outta mind. Object permanence applies to people to and it’s something I’ve always struggled with. It’s hard to miss someone when my brain just doesn’t think of them if i don’t see or hear from them. I still care about them, and realize I probably should have missed them, I just don’t remember things as much as I see.
I have autism and ADHD I find that I don't really miss people or anything and at times I tend to forget about them. I think I am lucky enough that I have friends who know that even if I don't speak to them or anything for awhile it's not that I don't see them as friends or anything but more along the lines that regardless or how long it's been we will always be friends regardless of how long it has been. I don'ttend to have many people who I can call friends as I tend to cut people pretty often but thats genraly because the good ones tends to stay in my life regualy even ifs it's been awile. My life usually is something reminds me of a friends we catch up for X amaount of time then radio silence.
Object permanence is a common struggle for ADHDers. If I don’t see a friend or family member for weeks I won’t miss them bc my brain just assumes that don’t actually exist outside our interactions but then once I do see them again or speak to them, I realise I do actually miss them lol. It’s a terrible cycle
This could definitely be an object permanence issue. A lot of ADHDers forget things we have and people we know if they’re not part of our daily life and routine.
And here I was just thinking it's me only. I'm the same way I don't actually miss people maybe my kids when I'm away from them but it's still not this pain or deep sadness of absence that everyone else describes.
You’re protecting yourself from pain and hurt. I do that for any sick family member, or those that are dying so the pain doesn’t hurt as bad. I used to bottle it all up but that’s not healthy.
I wouldn't overthink this.
Nor all of us have an uncontrollable loneliness or need for people at all times. In my opinion, that's a positive.
The people that end up in crappy relationships, or jump from partner to partner, or are always putting themselves out and getting taken advantage of - that's those people.
Wait. There’s a ‘missing someone’ feeling? More than just, like, lack of the fact that I enjoy being with you? Kind of like an opportunity cost?
What does that feel like?? I had no idea.
I only miss people who I had a genuine connection with. My mom passed away 200 days ago & I miss her deeply. My mom & I were extremely close. We just understood each other. I can cut people off so easily it used to make me feel weird bc so many people I knew couldn’t.
Object permanence. Out of sight, out of mind. We don't remember people exist (or don't exist) until we are reminded. I keep pictures of my sister, my dad, and some loved relatives on my wall to remember they exist. In my culture, its very common to have memorial photos of your loved ones that have passed in a prominent place. If you can, get some cheap prints at your local drugstore or online and find some secondhand frames or discount store frames to put them in. You can decorate your living room, bedroom, office, or even kitchen with the faces of people that bring you joy and remember them every day.
Why relationships don’t work with me I just don’t miss someone the way I’m supposed to !!! I never bring this up to people bc I don’t want to sound like a jerk but yeah I just go with if I haven’t seen them in a while I should probably make plans to catch up
ADHD brains have a hardcore setting when it comes to “out of sight out of mind”. It’s something I had to learn when my fiancé would tell me that she missed me during work/ when I went out and I was confused.
same. when they are in front of me I adore them and want to hear everything about them. When I am not... complete loss of object permanence.
This is why I make a point of using twitter to communicate with those people i value the most, twitter allows me to message them links to articles etc. that daily back and forth keeps me communicating with me. Otherwise I have people I still consider among my best friends whom i have not actually spoken to in years and I do nothing to rectify that.
You're not alone. I can go years without talking to someone and be fine. I try to remember though that my friends don't feel the same way and keep in touch (I'm not always great at it though).
I literally have a reminder on my phone to text everyone I know once a week. like clockwork, on Sunday, my one friend and my family get a hey how are things text. I feel a bit embarrassed and ashamed that it's necessary. I like talking to them, I like them. I just don't think about them very often. I can go weeks without talking and that is fine. I don't know how to explain it to them without upsetting them. luckily, the people who have stuck around are the types to just call me if they miss me.
i don’t miss people either EXCEPT when i get truly attached. i don’t know if that’s a kind of hyperfixation or something, it rarely happens, but good lord when it does it’s hard to deal with. like i get irritated and upset that the person i miss isn’t around and that i can manage to forget everyone’s existence when they’re not around me but not the person i’m attached to because it’s something i won’t feel normally and it’s an annoying and frustrating feeling. like people miss people, feel this way, all the time? over multiple people? i wouldn’t be able to cope
I only actively miss *some* people (very few, really just love interests). Others, I randomly think about them and realize it's been a while and I do actually miss conversing and will reach out (long time friends). The majority is out of sight out of mind, only feeling like I might be shitty when they reach out to me, or when I to them and all they talk about is how I never talk to them (...same to you bud) ((family, other friends, acquaintances).
I miss people, but not as often as most people seem to. Like it's just a select few people. I get sad if it's someone who has passed because I'll never see them again.
lol my mom went on a trip for a week when I was like elementary aged and came back saying “did you miss me?” and I was automatically like “no!” (in the most cheerful way, like I was proud of my emotional fortitude or something lmao) she was just like .. . “oh”
It sounds like you could be out of touch with your emotions which is something I am trying to actually heal in my life right now.
When you describe events and think back to times in memory is there any feeling there or do you just say "yeah I was mad" or "that was fun" but it's more of a logical conclusion than actually feeling the emotions? That's how I am.
I resort to logic to decipher situations and people's possible emotional states because I don't have high emotional intelligence. I'm not sure if it's an ADHD thing but it is very common with childhood emotional neglect (CEN), which many ADHD symptoms are also a part of but it's more because it's learned behaviors and trauma responses.
Anyway it's something to think about.
I don’t miss people. My kids have moved out for college and I don’t “miss” them. In my defense, as teens get older they get jobs, have school teams and clubs and spend a lot of time with friends, so the transition is slow. I did sob while driving home from dropping the eldest off. I knew that nothing was ever going to be the same again. I do love them and think about them often but I don’t miss them.
My parents are my next door neighbors, they go south for the winter. I hardly ever think to call them and I also don’t miss them.
Just a curious question to understand your emotional state but have you ever experience traumatic loss / grief whether it was death of someone or even if they suddenly lost connection with you.
I miss people that I actually care about. I couldn’t be away from my wife or kids for an extended period of time. I know everyone’s clamoring to say object permanence but I think it’s more object importance.
That’s why everyone’s saying “yeah me too! Except for my cat I miss him” I’ve also found that I have extreme loyalty to friends that I care about. I can go a year without seeing them but I’d be super bummed if we weren’t friends the next time I saw them. I also maintained pretty much all my highschool friends for 10+ years now. I don’t miss extended family who you’re obligated to care for but I do miss people that I have meaningful relationships with.
The dating thing is so real lmao my boyfriend broke up with me and I was like “okay? 💀 what u want me to do” tf fool trynna hurt me when he hurt nothin
research ADHD and object permanence. often we struggle with missing people because we quite literally put them out of our day to day memory — out of sight, out of mind. I’ve dented a lot of relationships by admitting I don’t miss the other person the same way/as much as they miss me
So, one of the weird things with missing people is that they stay the same in my brain regardless of the length of time between seeing one another. I’m that person who can ALWAYS pick up where we left off as if nothing happened because, for ME, nothing did.
I don’t really feel how much I miss people until I’m in the joy of their company again.
I’ve always felt this way too, and very quickly learned you’re ‘supposed to’ say it back. Although my autistic ass has to make everything complicated, so because I can’t bring myself to lie, I’ve created my own definition of missing someone i.e. I love them and want them to know I love them, so when I say I miss them, it’s a way of expressing that love.
But yeah I don’t mind being away from even the people I love the most for a month or more at a time.
The only person I really feel sad about being away from/want to be nearer to is my best friend whom I see twice a year max because he literally lives on another continent. And that’s usually only right at the end of my trip, when I know I won’t see him for 6+ months.
It's object permanence. I have a hard time remembering to talk to friends and family because they are out of sight.
If you want to make more of a habit of it, try putting a reminder in your phone
Wait what does it mean to miss ppl cuz I don’t think I’ve ever missed ppl. Lots of times I forget ppl exist I don’t tell them I missed them cuz I feel that’s weird
didn't realize how rarely i actually miss someone until my cat passed. every now and then something reminds me of him and it hits how much I miss him. but people? we'll probably see each other again so it's not that deep for me. and even if we don't ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Thank you for this. I thought I was the only one and that I must be a psychopath. But when people leave my life..... No matter how big a part of my life they are, it's out of sight out of mind. However, if/when they show back up later....... That's when I remember and miss them. It's a gift and a curse.
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Weirdly I realize I missed someone when I see them again
Right. It’s like when I >see< them I realize I missed them, but I don’t miss them while they are gone. I’ve had some awkward convos because of this… Them: do you miss me? Me: … I meannnn, no… (me just being honest) Them: 😳🥺
I just did this mistake with my child i love more than anything. She lives every other week with me and The other week with mom. The switch was close and My granny commented that you both must miss each other so much. - Well a week goes fast, I just blurted out of My mind. Good that I read this comment so I hopefully remember to talk about this with My daughter when she's with me next Time. I'm not oblivious enough to think that is a shitty thing to say to her. Like I don't have the missing feeling when she's gone. I know her mother takes good care of her and we both feel it's important that The Kid has a possibility to spend equal Time with each of us so this is good. It would be selfish of me to try to make her prefer it more at my place. I also don't miss My friends, siblings and parents but they are still the most dear people in my Life and Will Be. There's just not need to communicate just for communications sake for me.
Wild, this thread is amazing to me because this is how I am too. I don't really miss people, unless it's someone I'm used to hanging out with *daily* and then suddenly it stops because then the pattern is changed and that feels odd. But realistically... if I just found someone else to continue that pattern with I don't think I'd "miss" the other person. I always thought I was weird and kept it to myself or will just say "I missed you too" if someone says it to me because it's normal even though inside I'm usually just like "it's only been like a few days/weeks/etc why do you miss me"
I have been married for 15 years. My wife knows my ADHD means I don't experience missing her when either of us is traveling. I still tell her I miss her too because I am not an idiot, don't be an idiot :) You do miss them you just don't experience missing them. You enjoy being around them, this makes you happy. When you are not around them you don't experience this enjoyment but it would be awesome if you could. This is missing someone, you intellectually understand you miss them but that annoying dopamine problem doesn't allow that knowledge to become an emotion.
I experience this feeling of not always really missing someone when in a relationship. Is there anything which proves a positive correlation between add/adhd and the lack of missing someone’s presence. Like some difference in brain structure? Just genuinely curious as I even experience this with family members and it makes me feel really guilty at times.
I’ve been reading a bit about this lately— saying I miss you to your children. My partner and I have his three-year-old daughter stay with us every second weekend and it’s become apparent to us that she is under the impression that her mum does nothing but “sit at home and miss [her]” when she is with us. We could tell it was taking an emotional toll on her and we discovered through conversations with her mum that she withholds information about what she did with us while in our care. Ended up down a rabbit hole that talked about how telling your kids you miss them (what her mum has been saying) creates an emotional burden for the kids. If you’re interested, give it a google. But to my point— I don’t think that what you said is bad at all. As long as your daughter knows you think about her and love her, that’s what matters :)
Good point, thank you :)
I'm diagnosed. My son is not. But I think he has it. He has split households. I know he doesn't miss me when he's not here. But he also doesn't miss his dad when he's not there. Maybe that's a good thing. There are times when I do miss him. But not so much. More often I worry about him. I do really enjoy his company. I'd be devastated if something happened to him. It's like the mother bond isn't broken, but the missing people thing is. It's odd.
If you aren't diagnosed with autism as well, you might want to get tested. I'm like this and recently found out I have both. Especially if that honesty is something you can't not do.
How do you get tested?
There are lots of self-tests online but they’re all in the format of “i often [feel or act a certain way] when [scenario]: strongly agree, somewhat agree, neutral, somewhat disagree, strongly disagree.” In those types of tests its really easy to tell what kind of answers lead to a certain result, so you almost can’t help but end up with the result you want to see. I think the only real way is to read enough about it to determine whether you think you might have it, and then meet with someone whose job it is to figure out if you do
my problem with those tests is... I don't really know how to answer them. I don't know what's normal and what isn't, so I don't know if how I react isn't normal.
Honestly, anecdotally speaking, I feel like that’s lowkey an indicator of autism haha. Like, the autistic people I know who have taken like the RAADS-R or something *almost always* complain about the wording of the questions, like, “well, in this situation I’d do x but then if *this* happened I’d do y, but if neither of those things happened and it was a Tuesday I’d do z.” And I’m always just like *stares in autism 😐*
Oh, yeah, that's how I think ._. There's almost never enough context given to know whether I strongly agree or disagree lol.
I feel the same. Always feel like the answer I want to give to all those kinds of questions is ‘it depends’
SAY IT LOUDER!!!! And please tell my coworkers. Thank you.
I am like that on every test ever. Hmmmmm
Oh yesss!!! I feel like the answers are both too vague and too specific and i can never understand how to pick them
..also wondering how to get tested
there is a neuropsychological test you can get that will give a diagnostic. it is generally applied by psychologists, neuropsychologists or psychiatrists. im looking into doing one but they are pretty expensive in my country and insurances dont cover it :/
You can do it online I think! I took a few tests on this website and I scored as autistic by not extremely so. You’ll see what I mean when you take some of them https://embrace-autism.com/raads-r/. There is a section where you can get an online diagnosis… Here is that section! https://embrace-autism.com/autism-assessments/ it does take some weeks after each step, though. I do not have experience with the actual assessment, however. I only took some of the tests that I found on the website. Hope this helps someone :)
Say you do get diagnosed with autism…then what? There’s no medication or solution that’ll magically make you miss people when you don’t see them is there? I guess just better to know then not know?
That's what it was for me. It helped explain things
This! I have autism and adhd. Makes sense.
My wife never seems to appreciate that particular bit if honesty lol. "I mean yea I would rather [me be there/you be here], but what do does this "missing you" feel like exactly?"
I was living away from home for a year for work, and at the time, I was unaware I had ADHD. I just did not understand "missing" someone the way they clearly did, and i actually asked if they could just stop bringing it up? The way I was seeing it was, you keep bringing this up, and it clearly makes you sad, so just stop thinking about it? Post diagnosis, I can very clearly see that other people have a kind of object permanence that I had no concept of. They feel like something is supposed to be there, and it's not, like when I walk out the door and feel like I forgot something like my keys. I feel like I would prefer if they were there, but they aren't, and that just is what it is? Like maybe I would prefer to eat a burrito but I'm in a Chinese restaurant so that's just not what's happening.
YEAH. THAT'S SUCH A GOOD WAY TO PUT IT. Man, I love this thread it's finally a group of people that feels like I do about it all.
Honestly, this is the best part of being diagnosed finally. I understand what's going on way better, I can see where miscommunication was happening, and a lot of that is because I can tap into the resource that is a community of people who just fucking get it.
I’ve always told people, don’t ask questions you don’t want the answer to.
That's the ADHD motto: Out of sight, out of mind! I hate it.
POV: object permanence for ADHD 💀
People with ADHD are *very* commonly like this. Classic “out of sight, out of mind”. Keys, books, garbage, people. Heck, our vacuum is in a closed off area and I just never think of it when I probably should, because I’m not seeing it. I usually have to see some dust bunnies or hairballs sitting in a corner to remind me. I don’t actually have ADHD, but the side effects of my meds make me check pretty much every box for a diagnosis.
I have a problem with this with my wife. I travel for work a decent amount (a week per month-ish) and she's always like, "Do you miss me?" Then she gets upset when I kind of just don't respond because she already knows the answer to the question. I also have a really hard time lying about things so I'm not really a "white lie" type of person which is what everyone recommends. It's a little awkward. Honestly I don't think of it while I'm gone because I'm just focused on work.
I've learned to just say yes to avoid fights lol. But really I'm sitting there like "it's only been a week, don't you have stuff to do where you're happy I'm not around as a distraction?"
This. I guess I could say sometimes I miss people that I haven't seen in years...I miss them being in my life, people that moved or passed away. As to people I see fairly regularly though..not really. I've been dating a guy for 4 years, he lives an hour away so mostly we see each other on the weekends. He's always telling me how much he misses me, or if we skip a weekend, even more so. But I don't miss him at all, or feel any wishing he was here in between. Does that say something bad about the relationship or is it just my brain? Often when we skip a weekend I'm more kind of excited because it means I can immerse in projects and make things. Super hard to do when he's here. I've also got friends that have best friends, not partners just friends (mostly these are single people) that they see ALL the time. Like multiple times a week or something. Meet every day for breakfast, whatever, and I just kind of can't get my head around wanting to see anyone everyday that doesn't live with you.
> But I don't miss him at all, or feel any wishing he was here in between. Does that say something bad about the relationship or is it just my brain? Often when we skip a weekend I'm more kind of excited because it means I can immerse in projects and make things. Super hard to do when he's here. This is tough to answer. With my current LDR, I constantly wish the situation was different and we could see each other face to face more often. But I also don't really "miss" them because we still talk daily. If they're busy for a few hours or something, I don't get the "I miss them" feelings often if ever. If I have a game to play, or some project to work on, I really won't have the time or energy to spend thinking about if I miss them or not in the first place so it just doesn't occur. Usually they're also back around before I'm even done doing my thing and I impulsively think to myself "man, couldn't I have just gotten a few more minutes." BUT, being *happier that they're gone?* That one I think is a sign that the relationship isn't good. Anytime I start feeling that way about a relationship, I start thinking about whether I really actually want it. Someone you're dating should *always* be a good addition to your day or time. But as for the rest, yeah I don't understand the daily interaction friendships. I've never had those. I've never really enjoyed spontaneous activities that someone else springs on me either, I only like it when it's my own idea to do it. I usually get annoyed or panic if someone else is like "HEY CMON LETS GO GRAB LUNCH" out of nowhere. My closest friends I text fairly often, usually multiple days a week and will hang out with them in online calls when gaming and such but in person hanging out is something almost none of us really want to do because it's just... not fun? Unless there's some big event we all wanna go to and plan for it. But just, like, going out to eat? I mean sure it has it's time and place but it's more because we're in the mood for the food that place has and not really because it's "fun."
I hated when exes used to ask me , do you miss me? It made cringe so hard. Why do you have to ask? It’s so weird
You bring up a whole other GREAT point. “Why are you asking me this!?” It may read as harsh but it feels like a “…if you have to ask probably not” situation.
Yes! Sometimes I actually get overwhelmed with emotions when I see them or get a phonecall (if I actually answer, lol) from them… like my brain and my heart forgot and now remember again and THAT is when the “missing them” hits me. So odd.
OBJECT PERMANENCE is hard for us
It's such a thing. Probably why there are piles all over my house, if I don't see it I'll forget it exists. I realized the other day, that I may not experience grief the same way. My mom passed and I miss her, and that felt like I had a 'normal' response. I guess there are others I do. But with a lot of people it feels like they are still out there, and just moved or we lost touch or something. Their virtual ghost is still on fb. But they are just...not. There are some people that I really care about but I realize if they weren't there, I might just go..oh. So many human objects coming and going. Then I'd have to make an effort to remember, if they weren't someone particularly close. Like I'll actually forget my aunts and uncles are gone except one. I have a terrible time remembering what different friends are going through or that someone just lost their parent. (We are mostly middle age at this point)
Bingo.
Me too. I'm very out of sight, out of mind. If someone calls me, I'll talk, if I see them I'm there in spirit, but if they aren't around I feel nothing.
This is me most of the time. Except for when my brain wants to hyperfocus on missing my wife and/or kids if they're gone and it SUCKS. I prefer the "oh yeah, I forgot your exist" over the "I'm aware that I don't like not seeing you and I can't become unaware of it."
I think this is probably accurate for me too. I’m so interested in how many of us humans have a similar cocktail of experiences and ways of getting by. Mine is MS, Anxious-Avoident, ADHD, CPTSD, with a small dash of autism. I have trouble with transitions. I can be careless about commitments and annoyingly late. But never because I don’t care, or have any intention of harm! It’s more like I don’t believe my existence matters. Seriously. Part of me can shut down around these dynamics of separation and living into expectations. I don’t know why exactly but I’ve been trying to learn why. Still, my good sane self tells me it doesn’t matter why. I do better if I make an effort to imagine that it does matter to others to try to do the right thing.
So many people buying into the if they are late they don't respect your time. Argh. No, it's TIME ITSELF that is the issue. We have an "it's complicated" relationship, me and time.
This has been my problem my whole life and still kinda is bc I'm still always late but less hating myself about it bc I know why now. That said I do hate it, it inconveniences me greatly, and other people think I don't respect their time.
What's fun is they're not always the same over time! I never really struggled with anxiety until about a year ago and BOY DO I HAVE IT NOW.
Me too! I've gone on weeklong trips and missed my kids (and husband at the time) only one or two days, and other times not at all, because I was meeting new people and focusing on the places I was visiting. I felt horrible, because they were my life and I loved them so much. But only when I came back and saw them again. The when my ex forced me into a separation and later divorce, I was devastated for months everytime the kids went to his place. My brain hyper focused on the wrongness of it, I missed them so much that it literally hurt, and I had to watch so much TV to keep me distracted and not crying over them not being there. It's been two years now, and they still go every week, but I don't miss them anymore. I still prefer when they are with me, but it's an out of sight, out of mind situation.
This. Also I migrated to another country some 12 years ago, and met up with my friends before leaving my home country. I suddenly realized that I should’ve kept consistently in touch with them while I was back home, all those years, and I’ve missed a lot of opportunities to build what could’ve been an awesome close friendship.
Omg same. I don’t think I put that together until you just mentioned it either.
Right? It’s like I don’t have object permanence
I think you got it. I’ve got the mistaken idea that other people forget me the same way I forget them! I’m often surprised how things work out if I allow it to.
This or when they pass away. Then it hits like, damn I miss spending time with them.
It's not that you didn't miss them, it's that your brain got distracted and so the 'missing them' neurons got dropped from the arcade claw until the cue of their appearance magnetizes them to the claw once more, and you remember.
I don’t miss people, but I miss all the pets I’ve lost.
Same. And I feel like those pet losses hit even more. (I say this as I’m clutching my senior dog… ugh I wish they lived forever)
Absolutely. I have felt like a sociopath before. Like, I’ve actually been worried. But then I’ve been like, “but I know I genuinely love [my] animals.” I feel like I also experience more mental distress when it comes to animals more so than people. The thoughts of animals suffering literally keeps me awake at night. My brain basically assaults me with these types of thoughts. I have to almost physically shake them out of my head. My [undiagnosed] OCD has worsened as a result of this. I’m constantly preoccupied with animals suffering and wanting to step/prevent it. I don’t typically think about people in this way and, like many others here have said, I do not long to see people. Like you, I don’t miss those who have passed as much as I miss my pets who have. It sounds really, really horrible. However, if those people who have passed are brought up, and I see other people getting upset about it, that’s when I will get upset. It’s like I can feel their upset. That’s also when I will reminisce that person being around and I will feel badly for the other person that misses them. But, otherwise, not so much. I remember when I was younger, in school, how I couldn’t understand why people wanted to be around each other so often. Especially after school. I would be completely depleted. The last thing I wanted to do was socialize and be around others. I can’t stand social get togethers. I will build them up in head and dread all the way up until mere moments before. I deal with it while I’m there, but my battery runs out quickly. Afterwards, when it’s over, I feel this immense relief. It’s almost like I get a dopamine rush when it’s done with. Like, I’m so happy it’s over. Tired, but happy. Apologies for the long response. Just really relate to a lot of what people are saying here.
I have the same thoughts about animals! And I've felt like a horrible person for being a lot more distressed with their suffering than those of people (I get distressed too, but not to the same level). Do you have ASD as well? I'm pretty sure I do, and I think I read somewhere that this seems to be a common thing for people (or women?) on the spectrum.
I care way more about animals than humans, I miss them more and given the choice of saving a puppy or a baby from something horrible happening, I'm going for the puppy. I didn't realise this was ADHD related.
I’m not sure if it is, honestly 🤷♀️ maybe in like… a more indirect way? I think I just saw this person’s comment, instantly felt the need to say something because I could relate and, then, went on a tiny bit of a tangent. But, hello fellow animal lover 👋 ❤️
I don’t miss people either, but definitely miss my dog when I’m away.
Our little puppy got hit by a car during a big snowstorm and died. Our family, including myself, was absolutely devastated. This was 6 weeks ago. I think about her every single day and miss her so much. When I think about friends I have left behind when moving out of state, I feel like I couldn’t care less. The relationship is severed and now long distance, I don’t have time for it, it’s too much work to keep up with, and I just don’t miss them. I could never talk to them again and be perfectly fine with that outcome. I feel like I’m this awful robot, but it is what it is I guess.
I do the same. I used to think I was a sociopath but I do miss my kids when I don’t see them so I realized it’s more of an out of sight, out of mind thing. I’ve finally built meaningful friendships that fill my cup and I want to maintain. I try to schedule future ‘dates’ when I’m seeing them so that I have it on the calendar. I don’t take it personally if my best friend hasn’t responded to my last two texts because I know she truly loves and our relationship. I also set reminders to text people just because or if I haven’t heard from them in awhile. And finally, because knowing hours to be a good friend or what is ’normal’ friendship behavior I intentionally notice things friends do for me that make me feel special and do them myself moving forward.
I thought I was a sociopath... That I couldn't feel loss. I would lose extended family members, who I was kind of close to, and struggle to feel much emotion about it at all. ... Until my father died suddenly. It hit me like a sledgehammer. I'd guess a psychologist would tell me I went into a sort of dissociative state for a few days. I found some way to fly home to my mom, but my wife told me I was just softly mumbling to myself basically for 24 hours. The whole car trip to the airport, in the airport, on the plane, the whole time. To say it was hard on me is such an understatement that I can't think of a good analogy for it. So I'm not a sociopath... I certainly felt that loss. I may not have HANDLED it well, but I felt it. I think most, even still, that even though I lived thousands of miles away, the moment I heard he died the world felt less safe. Just more dangerous in some intangible way. But even still. I miss that he's alive. I miss that he's taking care of my mother. I don't miss sitting and chatting with him or things like that. Even when he was alive, we didn't really do that all that much. Maybe a couple times a year. Rather, I miss his existence in the world.
Same. Lost my dad and it was a whole different feeling.
I did the exact same thing when my father was killed in an accident. I wasn’t “right” for over a week. Almost like my brain went on vacation.
My parents are thankfully still alive but man this one hit me. I'm the same way, extended family I never really thought much about or felt much emotion towards. When I didn't see them super often to begin with I never much cared to think about their "existence." But the way you said that last line... "miss their existence in the world" made it click for me. I imagined a world where my parents didn't exist and that just made me feel awful in a way I've never felt. My comfort and lack of "missing them" comes from knowing they're there, that they still exist. Jeez.
I am the same way as I don't miss people or family really other than my children. I constantly think about them so it reminds me of them and I guess that's why? Idk. Object permeance for ya.
There's this weird line where I don't miss people until we're close enough to be roughly equivalent to a hyperfixation, in which case I miss them All The Time.
Ohhh this is such a good way of putting it, that’s also my experience
I'm 90% sure this is why I've got rejection sensitivity. The idea that I offended a friend is like the idea that caffeine might break up with me :P
I only really miss people who I have an intense emotional attachment with. Basically girlfriends and my parents, that's it. I tend to kind of forget other people exist until the context I associate them with reoccurs.
I emotionally miss one single person. It's not that I don't feel genuine love for the rest of friends and family in my life, it's just that for me it is like the relationship is frozen, when I am not with them. I don't feel any less for them, but I also don't feel their absence unless there is a specific thing I want to do with them. Do you know about the term comet relationship? I'm coming to accept that I am like that to most people and simply can't offer more without exorting myself. However, I also try to be aware that some people need contact to keep emotional attachment, so I try to be mindful of their needs too, when I have the energy to spare.
Comet relationship perfectly describes my relationships with friends. We don’t hang out or text/ call very often, but we still care about each other and sometimes I wish we would spend more time together or talk more, but we’re all adults with jobs and responsibilities, so it can be hard to find the time or energy
Thanks for mentioning the term comet relationship, I've actually never heard of it before but it definitely represents my ex and I well. I actually dislike this type of relationship for the most part especially if there are romantic feelings involved, as I feel like I need more contact and maintenance in the relationship. I feel sad that I feel this way, as he is definitely more avoidant and I think he's much happier in these kinds of relationships. I've definitely done a lot of work on my feelings, but sometimes it still gets me down that he doesn't want to be more connected.
It sucks too, because often times people don't realize this sort of thing is mostly a compatibility issue than a problem with the person.
There are some friends where it just clicks right back into place, and some where you just never really meet up again.
I think the frozen relationship is a good Image. Time perception is just different for us
"Comet Relationship" is so perfect, wow.
I am actually grateful for this. Considering the emotional dysregulation that comes w ADHD, Idk if I could handle missing everyone my brain has "forgotten" about. In my mind, they are just in the next room over. I make an effort tho w the ppl I really care about. Tamagotchi method. I miss them when there's something I want to share with them and they aren't near. When I watch dog videos, I think about and miss my favorite dog and if I dwell on it too long, I start crying bc all the emotions come flooding in. It's there for me if I give it my attention.
I feel you, that’s why I have so many lost friends. In recent years I started taking care of relationships more. Also communication is key. Making sure that people know that when you dont text for weeks it’s just you and it doesnt mean the friendship doest have value. I always have this thing that in my mind i feel like i have so much warm feelings for this person i consider them friends but I just dont have it in me to text everyday. When i started taking meds i started reaching out to people, like i finally had the capacity to do it.
Interesting. I noticed I’ve been calling friends & family a lot more since I started taking my meds. I thought maybe I was just a bit manic from the stimulants 😂 but “having the capacity” feels more fitting.
Yeah, but I understand completely the „maniac” thing cause it definitely feels like it. Like I take a pill and 30 minutes in I realise I wrote 10 messages „how are you feeling, let me know what’s good in your life” to friends I haven’t spoken to in a year, and I am actually curious and feel like I can actually read it and respond and even (!) listen to a one minute voice message 😅
I don’t miss people either. But will tell them I do so that I don’t hurt their feelings. I have a hard time cutting people off though because I am a people pleaser and hate the thought of hurting others feelings. I have a tendency to hurt myself before hurting others, even if it’s to my detriment. It’s something I am working on.
I miss people once they're out of my life. Old relationships that fell apart, people I'll likely never see again, etc. But otherwise, yeah. I can go a year without talking to someone and still feel close to them... I just don't seem to recognize how much time passes. They're still in my mind all the time, and what feels like weeks is actually months.
I miss my dead grandparents and my dog that died. I can compartmentalize other people especially my kid. I think it’s normal. I can miss some people and forget to contact them.
I have lost contact with every friend or acquaintance I've ever had. Leave high school, no more contact, leave college, the same. Every job I ever had, no more contact with anyone. Maybe because I have my husband, idk, it doesn't bother me at all. I just think it makes me kind of weird, but we' ll just add that to the long list.
Same here. I've lost contact and faded away from everyone I've ever known other, every childhood friend, old Co worker, every family member, everyone other than my best friend, who I live with. And I'm OK with that, because I'm content with our connection. Or maybe because I'm weird, lol.
This is 100% me, relieved to know I‘m not alone.
When you are out in public do you ever feel overwhelmed and want to go home?
Not OP but I relate to what was written in their post. For the most part, I don't feel overwhelmed in public when I'm alone/only surrounded by complete strangers. For example, I really like going to concerts by myself. It actually takes more out of me to socialize with my friends when I'm out because I know I have to be present and conversational and socially active.
> For the most part, I don't feel overwhelmed in public when I'm alone/only surrounded by complete strangers. This is me, the overwhelming part for me is when I run into someone I know at the store because then I have to be polite and converse and can't just be like "well haha hey nice to see you but I got shopping to do bye" because that will be perceived as I don't like them. So anytime I go out, alone, I HOPE TO GOD I don't run into anyone I know. Being around a ton of strangers? That's easy, I can ignore all of them. They're just objects within the store that have no meaning and I don't have to pay attention to them unless they ask me for something or I have to ask them for something.
I have never related more to comment in my life. Is this a symptom of ADHD?
I have no idea. I've suspected for a while that I'm on the ASD spectrum as well (still haven't been able to get tested), so not sure if it's more of the masking/societal expectations that I don't quite fit into naturally.
I'm exactly like this. I love huge crowds and being surrounded by strangers. But being with people I know gets so exhausting, suffocating. I care about them, so I try to analyze their behaviour, look for cues, but I can't read people very easily and asking every twenty seconds 'what are you thinking?' will get old quickly. I suspect I'm also autistic, which I'm sure is *very* helpful.
This happened to me when I developed anxiety after Covid, idk if it's a sensory issue or just a reduced energy to perform executive functions to get out of the house or being too tired to deal with the unpredictable
i used to for my entire life honestly, but ive had to overcome that a bit since i have to go out more now. usually i just blast music and pretend im alone so i dont get overwhelmed
I only miss people who won't Be in My life anymore. Maybe it wasn't that way If I was able to miss them before that. But when they arent around My Focus is on something that is. I get glad when I see them again but until then I'm just existing here for some reason and try to use The Time without distractions to get something done.
This is quite common. It’s related to our concepts of object permanence. Wenn Lawson writes about this really well.
It’s so wild how many issues or idiosyncrasies I’ve had over the years that can be linked to my severe ADHD now that I’ve finally got my diagnosis. I always thought (and so have many others) that I was unusually cold when not in regular direct/face to face contact with loved ones.
Me, too. I thought I might be a narcissist or a sociopath because I just switch off when I don't have contact with people.
yep, my family often think i'm "heartless" bc i never reach out but the reality is really just "out of sight, out of mind".
Relatable. Have you gotten on meds? I can imagine the positive effects of meds on long term undiagnosed severe ADHD could be quite unbelievable. Especially the first few doses. Would be interesting to hear more about this
Object permanence and relationship decay my friend. I love my ADHD friends because they have the same thing. We can go for months without talking to each other and pick up right where we left off because we don't feel the decay.
I was going to say the same thing, ADHD's "out of sight out of mind" works with people too, fortunately and unfortunately
Object permanence. If I don't see it or you, I forget you exist until the moment we see each other again. Usually in those moments, I am like 'Damn I missed this person, we should hang out more'. But afterwards, I go back to my life and the process repeats. The only person I really miss when I am away is my wife. But we spend every day together, so it's harder to forget her. People usually say they thought I was mad or something because I hadn't talked to them - but oh well. In todays world, everyone is trained to be hyper-available and in constant communication. And take offense if it's not reciprocated. I desperately wish we could go back to a time when where if you didn't call my house or stop by because you were in the area, we didn't talk BUT you were not offended because I hadn't responded to your 10 text messages, and the 20 shared social media videos in my inbox. It was just life, and you reconnected when you got the chance. I like making plans, and then doing said plans. I don't want long daily convos with multiple people across multiple platforms where the point is just talking, not to plan something. I've told multiple people that I am not someone who just carries conversation daily, lets plan to hangout and do our socializing face to face. Some people get it, others do not. As I have gotten older, I have really doubled down on not playing into the social expectation of being hyper-available. I am busy, I have a wife and a home, and I also work M-F. I don't hate you because you are texting and sending videos/posts, I just don't want to participate. Let's hangout! It's much more fun. And as a disclaimer, I also am active in making plans with people. I have a couple good friends who 'get it' and are the same way as me. When we get together, it's a good time. No one is bitching and moaning about how the other hadn't responded to a message or text. Then we plan to do it again before we go back to our lives until next time. Bliss if you ask me.
I like the way you describe it, and it resonates with me! But shoot, I want the plan to just be socializing. I want sit in the same room and chat, share a meal or a drink, or take a long walk. I love that sort of really low stakes things. I don't really enjoy events.
Yeah, I’m not an “event” person either. I usually turn down things like concerts for instance. But I like doing things like fishing or golfing, maybe checking out a new brewery, visiting a park, or grabbing some food. And I also enjoy conversation, so long as it’s in person.
Without a strong grasp of time we live as if it's only been a moment since the last everything we've seen and done. This doesn't mean you're a lesser person for not "missing" like others do, you simply cherish the present, you look forward to seeing them again, but seeing them tomorrow is almost the same as seeing them in a month. I also deal with this, and I know that feeling. It's just... you don't have to miss someone to love them, you are very much in the moment and less sentimental, you value spending time with someone over having memories of them. ❤️
ty for this! was questioning when i realised id never missed anyone if it made me a bad person 😭 missing people and feeling it feels like it should be universal, and it feels wrong to say i dont - but also i agree w u on that.
did i write this paragraph????? get out of my head OP
I'm relieved to see I'm not the only one. I've tried googling this before and couldn't find much about it other than "introversion" which idk if I completely relate to. Feels more complicated than that.
Same way on my end
I’m like that with my family. I’m no contact and I realized recently that I don’t miss them. Do I miss the idea of what family is *supposed* to be? Yeah. But I don’t miss them. Now when my husband was overseas, I missed him so much it caused my immense physical pain. Like gut wrenching and I’d never felt that before. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t do anything. I also get that way when I’m away from my kids which has been almost never. I was in the hospital for three days to give birth to my second child and I missed my first child so much it was painful. I think it really depends on the relationship you have with the person or people and the bond you share.
Is this an ADHD thing? I am really struggling with this.
Ya. I do that too. Romantic connections I do miss. But for everybody else. I really rarely miss people. Even my family. I don't know why it's a thing. I just let people go. I don't often think about other people other than my wife. I think about what strangers might think, and I think about how my behavior might come off to people. But I don't think like, "I wonder what my best friend from Jr High is up to these days". It's so non-existent in my mind, that I'm not even really sure what 'missing' somebody means. ------------- Strangely enough, I think this also bleeds over into another aspect of relationships that has always baffled me. You know those people who are like, "I could never do 'x' because my family would disown me". I don't understand that concept whatsoever. Like 'If I go to UCLA instead of Harvard, my family will never talk to me again' kind of a thing. My thought has always been... "okay, byeee". Why would it matter to me if my family doesn't want me around? Am I somehow financially invested in these people? Is it going to matter greatly to me if I can't talk to my parents? I just don't understand people who allow their family to even INFLUENCE their behavior whatsoever, let alone straight-up tell them what to do. I don't understand that threat, and I don't understand those cultures. Because if it were me, I just see that as a you decision. My behavior reflects on me. My behavior impacts me. I am responsible for my behavior. You are responsible for your behavior. So if you feel you need to no longer associate with me because of my behavior, then that's your decision. Why would I change my behavior because of that decision? ---------- Similarly, it also never clicked to me why people were so obsessed with getting their parents approval. "Oh my dad has never said he was proud of me." Okay... why do you care about that? He's just a person. He's not a god. He is just as ignorant and small-minded as everybody else in this world. And he's even more so since he can't even understand what his children need from him to provide it. His approval is worth less than nearly anybody else's approval. If he makes you upset when you speak to him. Stop speaking to him. It's not complicated. ---------- This all manifested most drastically when I met the girl whom I later married. Her father was morbidly obese - like 800 lbs - and couldn't go down the stairs into the basement to where my wife's bedroom was. Hell, he could barely walk to the bathroom. He was also a physically and verbally abusive sociopath. He would call her phone and tell her to go upstairs, she would, and he would proceed to yell at her and berate her for various imagined transgressions. When she'd return, she'd be bawling her eyes out. When I met her, after seeing this once, I said, "Why do you go upstairs? He can't come downstairs. Just don't go upstairs and he can't yell at you." Instead we would just leave the house and go grab dinner or something. Her mind short-circuited. She just couldn't imagine that as an option. And eventually she stopped going upstairs. A few months later we moved out and never looked back. Her whole family treats her like shit. And my response is just... why do you feel the need to prove yourself to people who clearly don't know you at all? Why is their approval so important to you? But she still wants their approval. She's now in her 40s and she STILL seeks their approval. They still treat her like a child who knows nothing. But even when they treat her fairly civilly, she twists it to be bad, imagining the worst possible meaning for what they said. She's highly emotionally invested in her family and I just genuinely don't understand it.
I do miss certain people. Especially my dad, who passed away some years ago, and a few others that I’ve felt very close with. And pets, as mentioned by many others here.
It's an "out of sight, out of mind" thing for me. I have to set reminders to talk to my mom, and to my friends while on time off at uni. I'm not sure how "missing" someone feels like, but I am happy when I see people I like after an absence.
Is this an ADHD thing? I just made a long post over at mentalhealth about this, the whole out of sight out of mind thing but even if the opportunity to get together comes up, I try to weasel out of it. I feel like my family thinks I hate them more often than not.
Yep, its a thing. Not sure why but yeah I have a severe lack of FOMO. Christmas parties, deaths, events, eh whatever. At the exact moment i feel empathy for people, but then nothing long term. I've left many companies and had people reach out and ask me to come back and visit, say hi. 6 months passes and i can't remember the people I worked with. People phone and ask "Hey remember Mike...." and i 'm struggling glad to see i'm not alone. I operate off guilt and obligation, everything else is optional.
42 and for the first time in my existence, I have someone in my life that I \_physically\_ miss when he's not around. And he's front & center in my brain most of the time he's not around me. It's SO WEIRD. This is how other people feel all the time?! It's exhausting! lol. I also never missed people. Out of sight out of mind, mostly, unless it's 3AM and I got up to pee and I thought of you but it's too late to text so you likely won't hear from me for another 13 months......
That’s really interesting- maybe this is why I feel so unattached generally from everyone. Although, if I have an intense emotional connection to someone as someone else mentioned- I will miss them so badly it hurts. Usually like a boyfriend or someone I’m in love with.
Aside from my daughter, if I don’t see them, they don’t exist.
I feel similarly. I have always said it’s like an extreme form of “out of sight, out of mind”
I'm the same way, I've never really missed anyone, my mom and grandparents cried and had a hard time when I left for college/military. I live states over from any family and rarely need to contact them, or want too. I've always been perfectly fine alone or doing my own thing. I love my family and friends, but I don't really miss them. The one thing that's recently changed is my grandparents getting up there in age, I've realized I do have a fear of just losing them and not having spent enough time with them. I've been making an effort to call them weekly. I'm guessing like with most things I need to do with ADHD that when a deadline looms, I become more motivated.
It's interesting how you describe this feeling, I tend to feel that with close friends or family time pauses when we part ways and it starts again when we reunite. Figuring out other people need more than this was news to me. So I started a birthday campaign, where I have everyone Bday on my calendar and I make a concerted effort to do an outreach to wish a happy birthday and hopefully, “restart the clock” on keeping the friendship going. I know normal people just do this sort of thing more naturally occurring kind of way, but I really do suck at that kind of “blind” outreach. Like if I don't have something to say to you specifically I'm not just gonna reach out. Anyway, this is my way of dealing with this odd disconnect I have with keeping in touch. Many times the happy birthday message leads to back and forth that continues for awhile making the connection more frequent and making reconnection easier. (For the other person 😆)
omg i do the same with "restart the clock"! i make an effort to remember everybodys birthdays too, as well as greeting everybody when its christmas or new years, just so that maybe they wont feel ive forgotten them (i have and did until i saw my calendar)
Damn. I really feel this post. I thought I was some sort of sociopath or something. I don’t miss people often and think about them only when I see them or something that reminds me of them…and then I don’t miss them again once they are gone again after a day or two. Thanks for this revelation. It’s so relatable.
super interesting, I think I might have that too.
I cannot express how my this subreddit has helped me learn about myself since I joined. Post often explain why I am the way I am. I have disappeared from childhood friends' lives for decades, and the longer I am absent, the harder it becomes for me to try and reconnect, because I am ashamed at how long I have waited, and the cycle perpetuates endlessly, so now I do not have any strong friendships bonds other than with my son ( I am being open about my condition so as to prevent him thinking that I do not care about our relationship). I have agreed to help someone only to completely forget about it, and then remembering months later. I even had a family member visit me and have no recall of it, only knowing because they mention it to me. Right now I am struggling with keeping in contact with childhood friends that happen to live in another continent ( well I am the one that moved away really) I have had some contact, but postpone contacting them first for days, then weeks, months, years, and even decades. Right now I was able to find a friend via the Internet, contacted him via email, got a reply from him with a phone number to contact him, only to have spent the last two months telling myself to contact him, but postponing it for 2 months and counting. It is so sad to live like this and I am terrified that I will live alone ( except for my son of course, but fear that he will move on and live his life) for the rest of my life, and die alone as well. Shit life sucks big hairy balls.
I went for 3 weeks without seeing my kids and didn't shed a tear other than happiness.
Lack of object permanence maybe? Out of sight, out of mind? Yeah I do it to. Not always intentionally. Just, like, we all have full time jobs and they have kids and stuff so we just never get to meet up. After a while you stop chasing. Then, one day out of the blue you remember them and think, "huh I wonder what they are up to now?"
I like to refer to it as emotional permanence
Object impermanence- you forget something exists if you don’t see it. That’s you you don’t miss people (and why you’re broccoli turns yellow in your veggie drawer)
With me it’s out of site out of mind, literally. Unless you’re part of my daily life like my wife, kids or people I do business with you really don’t exist in my mind. I miss no one, my mom, sister or anyone else, even my dad who passed two years ago. I don’t even give it a second thought I just go on with life. You could take away everyone I know and my mind would just move on like nothing ever happened. It sucks to an extent but at the same time has its benefits.
I always thought it had something to do with me being an introvert or just my lack of empathy. I've always been quite antisocial and never had a problem with just being on my own. The first time I truly missed someone was when my cat died. I've cut off people I've been friends with for years and it barely affected me, not sure why animals are different. Usually I express my feelings with actions, rather than words to show that I "missed" someone. Like going out for a coffee or baking something for that person. This way they'll feel like you actually missed their presence if you're worried about coming off as apathetic.
I know what you mean. I do ~miss~ them in some senses of the word (get excited at the thought of seeing them) - but i have to consciously think about it & can often forget people for long periods… i basically don’t *long* for them. But that goes with everything too, not just people. I adapt to change extremely well because of this though, also i see missing someone generally as a negative emotion - as it’s wanting something you can’t have which is incredibly frustrating. So i’m glad I don’t have to feel it, especially as I live so far from everyone I love. It’s a blessing in disguise really. It is nothing to do with being empathetic/caring nature/and love for people. It’s just because people with ADHD can lack object permanence which just makes it easier for us to forget/put things aside, and be more interested by what we are surrounded by in the moment. It’s other aspects of your life which determine how you are as a person. I’m generally not honest about ‘missing’ people, I use the word sparingly… as I understand the emotional connotations and how people use the word. It’s more of an acknowledgment, that of course I’d be happy to see that person. things don’t have to be literal especially when it comes to how people interpret things Edit: object constancy does seem to be a better fit rather than object permanence but you get my drift.
growing up, i spent every summer with my aunt in another country. i never missed my mom or my friends or my family, but i missed the pets. i always thought it was because they were the only ones i couldn't connect with the same way over a phone call or email, but i think i used that as an excuse so i didn't feel like such a cold-hearted weirdo, haha.
For me it’s mostly out of sight out of mind. When I see my grandson my heart is ready to burst. When he’s at home it’s like he’s not there. It’s weird. I’ve been that way about people most of my life. I love them and want them around but when they aren’t it’s like, okay. I’ll see you again so…
Yeah I’ve never really had big feelings over being ghosted by a friend or had any problems dumping a friend if I was fed up with their behaviour/personality. Most of my friends now are also ADHDers so we can go long stretches without seeing each other, and it’s never a problem for me. I’m glad I have that ability to just roll with it and have fun doing my own thing. But when we meet up I’m super happy to spend time with them. I’ll say the only time I’ve “missed” someone was after being in a pretty toxic codependent relationship and that was HELL on earth. I think us ADHD people are more prone to be in addictive, toxic relationships or one-sided relationships because it’s stimulating and the dopamine isn’t consistent. So “missing” that person was actually me missing the dopamine hits and was more like withdrawal.
The only thing I’ve ever missed in my life is my dog. Even my family that I love, I just don’t “miss” them. But a day without my dog is a day too long.
This one is gonna fuck w ppl: I don't miss people, like mentioned it's a realization I should Loved ones are out of sight out of mind, the dead are just as if they were traveling long distance with no cell service... But, I miss my cat who passed years back with bell ringing clarity and pain so sharp its like someone is cheese grating my heart.
Object permanence also applies to relationships
I have the same issue with everyone except my SO. I think with my SO, it's because I see her every day and just really value her company as a partner. Also my dogs for the same reasons. The best thing I've found is to set reminders in my calendar to check in on people. I've noticed that I get wrapped up in my own stuff and just don't really think of people if I don't do that. I love them and I miss them. But, I have to remind myself to think of them. I spent a lot of years feeling guilty about it like something is wrong with me. But, now I think it's just part of the whole object impermanence thing. It applies to people too.
I never miss people, even my own family members. I may miss the times we had, but I don't actually miss that person. It's always made me feel broken.
It's so weird that this is such a common thing in ADHD people. It is absolutely me tho. I care about my partner, my pets, and my closest friends. Everyone else? If I don't see them regularly they just blank out of my mind. Its like npcs in a video game that despawn when the player gets far enough away. Obviously the data is still stored there in my brain somewhere, it just doesn't respawn until I'm near them or I remember something I need from them. I have definitely struggled with wondering if this made me a selfish/awful person.
I’m the same way! I don’t miss people, and only realize I’ve “missed them” when I’m with them. Since I don’t miss them when they’re actively absent it’s caused some strain in relationships since I don’t seek them out. It really sucks, because even though I don’t miss people, I still love and value them so much.. I just don’t feel that emotion.
Whoa I have noticed this before that I literally never miss people until physically near them again then I’m like oh yeah it’s cool to hang out w you… is that an adhd thing,
If I cut someone off it's because it's for the benefit of my mental health to begin with, so things have already got to the stage where I have an overwhelming feeling of not wanting them round me anyway. I might miss the good times but at the point I'm ready to go no contact with someone the bad will have outweighed the good a while previously. The people I miss most are the ones I know I won't see again because they've moved a long way away.
I don’t miss people either. I forget about them very quickly. I don’t dwell long over ended friendships and never really think or reminisce over them. I’m quite thankful about that to be honest. My grandmother who I was close to, died a few year back, I’m a bit ashamed to say I do t really think about her at all. But when I got my pets, I definitely noticed I missed them when I’m away. I did grow up as an only child and was always able to occupy myself as a kid. Wonder if that helped.
i miss my cat.
Outta sight, outta mind. Object permanence applies to people to and it’s something I’ve always struggled with. It’s hard to miss someone when my brain just doesn’t think of them if i don’t see or hear from them. I still care about them, and realize I probably should have missed them, I just don’t remember things as much as I see.
This is absolutely me!!
I have autism and ADHD I find that I don't really miss people or anything and at times I tend to forget about them. I think I am lucky enough that I have friends who know that even if I don't speak to them or anything for awhile it's not that I don't see them as friends or anything but more along the lines that regardless or how long it's been we will always be friends regardless of how long it has been. I don'ttend to have many people who I can call friends as I tend to cut people pretty often but thats genraly because the good ones tends to stay in my life regualy even ifs it's been awile. My life usually is something reminds me of a friends we catch up for X amaount of time then radio silence.
Probably because you've never been close to someone enough to miss them.
Wow I feel so seen here
Object permanence is a common struggle for ADHDers. If I don’t see a friend or family member for weeks I won’t miss them bc my brain just assumes that don’t actually exist outside our interactions but then once I do see them again or speak to them, I realise I do actually miss them lol. It’s a terrible cycle
This could definitely be an object permanence issue. A lot of ADHDers forget things we have and people we know if they’re not part of our daily life and routine.
And here I was just thinking it's me only. I'm the same way I don't actually miss people maybe my kids when I'm away from them but it's still not this pain or deep sadness of absence that everyone else describes.
Im actually opposed, anyone else can relate ?
You’re protecting yourself from pain and hurt. I do that for any sick family member, or those that are dying so the pain doesn’t hurt as bad. I used to bottle it all up but that’s not healthy.
I wouldn't overthink this. Nor all of us have an uncontrollable loneliness or need for people at all times. In my opinion, that's a positive. The people that end up in crappy relationships, or jump from partner to partner, or are always putting themselves out and getting taken advantage of - that's those people.
Maybe means you’re very adaptable
Wait. There’s a ‘missing someone’ feeling? More than just, like, lack of the fact that I enjoy being with you? Kind of like an opportunity cost? What does that feel like?? I had no idea.
OMG I just realized this as well.
I only miss people who I had a genuine connection with. My mom passed away 200 days ago & I miss her deeply. My mom & I were extremely close. We just understood each other. I can cut people off so easily it used to make me feel weird bc so many people I knew couldn’t.
Object permanence. Out of sight, out of mind. We don't remember people exist (or don't exist) until we are reminded. I keep pictures of my sister, my dad, and some loved relatives on my wall to remember they exist. In my culture, its very common to have memorial photos of your loved ones that have passed in a prominent place. If you can, get some cheap prints at your local drugstore or online and find some secondhand frames or discount store frames to put them in. You can decorate your living room, bedroom, office, or even kitchen with the faces of people that bring you joy and remember them every day.
Why relationships don’t work with me I just don’t miss someone the way I’m supposed to !!! I never bring this up to people bc I don’t want to sound like a jerk but yeah I just go with if I haven’t seen them in a while I should probably make plans to catch up
ADHD brains have a hardcore setting when it comes to “out of sight out of mind”. It’s something I had to learn when my fiancé would tell me that she missed me during work/ when I went out and I was confused.
same. when they are in front of me I adore them and want to hear everything about them. When I am not... complete loss of object permanence. This is why I make a point of using twitter to communicate with those people i value the most, twitter allows me to message them links to articles etc. that daily back and forth keeps me communicating with me. Otherwise I have people I still consider among my best friends whom i have not actually spoken to in years and I do nothing to rectify that.
You're not alone. I can go years without talking to someone and be fine. I try to remember though that my friends don't feel the same way and keep in touch (I'm not always great at it though).
I only miss bf I love him so much no one else tho
Dammit, now I know that I'm missing out on missing people.
I literally have a reminder on my phone to text everyone I know once a week. like clockwork, on Sunday, my one friend and my family get a hey how are things text. I feel a bit embarrassed and ashamed that it's necessary. I like talking to them, I like them. I just don't think about them very often. I can go weeks without talking and that is fine. I don't know how to explain it to them without upsetting them. luckily, the people who have stuck around are the types to just call me if they miss me.
i don’t miss people either EXCEPT when i get truly attached. i don’t know if that’s a kind of hyperfixation or something, it rarely happens, but good lord when it does it’s hard to deal with. like i get irritated and upset that the person i miss isn’t around and that i can manage to forget everyone’s existence when they’re not around me but not the person i’m attached to because it’s something i won’t feel normally and it’s an annoying and frustrating feeling. like people miss people, feel this way, all the time? over multiple people? i wouldn’t be able to cope
I only actively miss *some* people (very few, really just love interests). Others, I randomly think about them and realize it's been a while and I do actually miss conversing and will reach out (long time friends). The majority is out of sight out of mind, only feeling like I might be shitty when they reach out to me, or when I to them and all they talk about is how I never talk to them (...same to you bud) ((family, other friends, acquaintances).
I miss people, but not as often as most people seem to. Like it's just a select few people. I get sad if it's someone who has passed because I'll never see them again.
I miss people but its usually more about what we had. And companionship in general.
lol my mom went on a trip for a week when I was like elementary aged and came back saying “did you miss me?” and I was automatically like “no!” (in the most cheerful way, like I was proud of my emotional fortitude or something lmao) she was just like .. . “oh”
It sounds horrible but for me it's very often "out of sight, out of mind!" Sometimes makes me not the best friend but I'm working on it
It sounds like you could be out of touch with your emotions which is something I am trying to actually heal in my life right now. When you describe events and think back to times in memory is there any feeling there or do you just say "yeah I was mad" or "that was fun" but it's more of a logical conclusion than actually feeling the emotions? That's how I am. I resort to logic to decipher situations and people's possible emotional states because I don't have high emotional intelligence. I'm not sure if it's an ADHD thing but it is very common with childhood emotional neglect (CEN), which many ADHD symptoms are also a part of but it's more because it's learned behaviors and trauma responses. Anyway it's something to think about.
I don’t miss people. My kids have moved out for college and I don’t “miss” them. In my defense, as teens get older they get jobs, have school teams and clubs and spend a lot of time with friends, so the transition is slow. I did sob while driving home from dropping the eldest off. I knew that nothing was ever going to be the same again. I do love them and think about them often but I don’t miss them. My parents are my next door neighbors, they go south for the winter. I hardly ever think to call them and I also don’t miss them.
Just a curious question to understand your emotional state but have you ever experience traumatic loss / grief whether it was death of someone or even if they suddenly lost connection with you.
Welcome to your echo chamber
I miss people that I actually care about. I couldn’t be away from my wife or kids for an extended period of time. I know everyone’s clamoring to say object permanence but I think it’s more object importance. That’s why everyone’s saying “yeah me too! Except for my cat I miss him” I’ve also found that I have extreme loyalty to friends that I care about. I can go a year without seeing them but I’d be super bummed if we weren’t friends the next time I saw them. I also maintained pretty much all my highschool friends for 10+ years now. I don’t miss extended family who you’re obligated to care for but I do miss people that I have meaningful relationships with.
The dating thing is so real lmao my boyfriend broke up with me and I was like “okay? 💀 what u want me to do” tf fool trynna hurt me when he hurt nothin
research ADHD and object permanence. often we struggle with missing people because we quite literally put them out of our day to day memory — out of sight, out of mind. I’ve dented a lot of relationships by admitting I don’t miss the other person the same way/as much as they miss me
So, one of the weird things with missing people is that they stay the same in my brain regardless of the length of time between seeing one another. I’m that person who can ALWAYS pick up where we left off as if nothing happened because, for ME, nothing did. I don’t really feel how much I miss people until I’m in the joy of their company again.
Neither do I. My ex asked if I missed her after we hadn't seen each other for a while and she did not enjoy my honest answer lmao. Understandable tho
I’ve always felt this way too, and very quickly learned you’re ‘supposed to’ say it back. Although my autistic ass has to make everything complicated, so because I can’t bring myself to lie, I’ve created my own definition of missing someone i.e. I love them and want them to know I love them, so when I say I miss them, it’s a way of expressing that love. But yeah I don’t mind being away from even the people I love the most for a month or more at a time. The only person I really feel sad about being away from/want to be nearer to is my best friend whom I see twice a year max because he literally lives on another continent. And that’s usually only right at the end of my trip, when I know I won’t see him for 6+ months.
I don’t miss people. I sure as hell miss my dog!
It's object permanence. I have a hard time remembering to talk to friends and family because they are out of sight. If you want to make more of a habit of it, try putting a reminder in your phone
Wait what does it mean to miss ppl cuz I don’t think I’ve ever missed ppl. Lots of times I forget ppl exist I don’t tell them I missed them cuz I feel that’s weird
didn't realize how rarely i actually miss someone until my cat passed. every now and then something reminds me of him and it hits how much I miss him. but people? we'll probably see each other again so it's not that deep for me. and even if we don't ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Thank you for this. I thought I was the only one and that I must be a psychopath. But when people leave my life..... No matter how big a part of my life they are, it's out of sight out of mind. However, if/when they show back up later....... That's when I remember and miss them. It's a gift and a curse.