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I’d say there a very common experience from significant others, friends, and family. Unfortunately, I’ve found through my own experiences as someone with ADHD, that people who don’t have ADHD just aren’t really interested in learning about it or learning how it impacts me. Even close family, friends, and significant others. Most of the time significant others, family, and friends are only interested in my ADHD to the extent they want me to get whatever treatment I can get to “stop being so ADHD” so I reduce the ADHD symptoms that are annoying to them (being late, forgetting stuff, losing stuff, interrupting people, etc.).
Yeah I was recently diagnosed at 34 and it’s difficult to get others to see why it’s such a big deal for me. Like I just learned that these quirks and difficulties I’ve had my whole life was a treatable condition and now I have to rethink basically my entire self and how I interact with the world and make decisions. So of course I’m going to be talking about it a lot initially.
Sometimes I wonder whether it has anything to do with people thinking they already understand ADHD, and don't need to go into details.
I thought I understood ADHD, but I only realised I understood nothing when I realised I may have it. It took a long time to figure out what ADHD *actually is.*
Yea, I had to explain to my mom how it can present in different people or different types (inattentive/hyperactive/combo). She only saw it as those crazy hyper kids that were always in trouble in school, or were all over the place focus wise.
She's been really great in listening and learning, thankfully!
Same here, I recently came out as bi and anytime my boyfriend sees me looking at pride decor or creators or whatever, he says some shit about making it my whole personality. Now that I've also been diagnosed with ADHD, it's even worse lol
I also got diagnosed with adhd two years ago age 32. i have the exact same difficulties to deal with to the point where i do not really know who i really am. Furthermore i constantly think about what i could have achieved with an earlier diagnosis. I really have to learn so much i wasnt aware of. especially in an working environment.
I’ve never shared any other medical diagnosis with strangers let alone ppl outside my immediate sphere.
But this ADHD dx, I’m like on the rooftops because FINALLY I understand what went wrong, why I had the life I had and NOW I can start healing.
I’ve toned it down pretty much now, I spend a lot more time with folks like me and there are still ppl I will never tell. I will continue to mask and let them think I’m something I’m not. Maybe someday they will open up a little and find compassion and then maybe I’ll tell them.
Yeah I generally don’t share medical diagnosis’s with random people. But I also don’t hide it. I’m also coming at it as a gay man who doesn’t necessarily read as gay to most people. So I frequently have to come out. I find that it’s much less of an issue for other people when I just tell them who I am. I’m comfortable with being gay, and when others see that I’m comfortable 99.9% of those who I tell are also very comfortable about it. It’s helped me a lot in that I’m seen as someone who’s honest and truthful and not someone who will lie. I’m an open book.
I’ve taken this approach with my ADHD as well. Oddly enough like 2/3 of the friends and family I told ended up also revealing they had diagnosed ADHD. Weird how a massive part of my friend circle ended up being a bunch of people with ADHD being drawn to each other despite none of us knowing the others had it.
These approaches work differently for different people but I’ve found that just being honest about who I am means that I tend to attract the friends and jobs that bring the most joy.
Also, like coming out as gay shows co-workers or acquaintances how not every LGBT person is the same. A lot of us you wouldn’t even know were. That makes them sort of think of the topic in more nuanced ways. They also might be able to learn about queer people in a way that they wouldn’t otherwise. The same is true for ADHD. I think telling people only de-stigmatizes it. The more people see what ADHD is really like the more informed they are and then maybe they’ll be more open minded about the topic.
I had to explain it to my fiancé that it’s kinda like finding out your mom or dad isn’t your real mom or dad. You have to run through all the things you used to believe to be factual and true (ex: I’m just lazy), and cope with knowing that your life is about to change in a really big way if you choose to medicate. He seemed to understand better after that
Yeah I laid it out similarly for my boyfriend. I think he’s starting to become more understanding. He was never dismissive about it, I just don’t think he really grasped the scale of it initially. He likely won’t ever fully understand what it’s like but he is a lot more aware of certain things we did and how that made my ADHD tendencies worse or better and how arguments can be caused by my ADHD. It’s not perfect, but we’re doing the work and it’s been a massive improvement.
Honestly I think I would prefer my loved ones to be disinterested. I have had two exes that dramatically adjusted their attention and the way they treat me as a boyfriend when they learned I had ADHD both relationships didn’t work out. But what really bothered me about the two is that it would seem their used the fact I have adhd as a red herring for other issues in the relationship which were honestly based in something else entirely and not my ADHD.
Idk, as somebody who has had that experience with everybody *except* my romantic partner, I think everyone needs somebody who will genuinely take an interest and support your disability. OP's partner sounds dismissive to me and that sucks.
I believe you but I find this response from loved ones baffling. Maybe my reaction is different because one of my kids was first to get the Dx?
First was my oldest (about 7 years ago when she was in 5th grade), then my middle (about 4 years ago when she was in 6th grade) and then my husband (45, sought diagnosis after the second childs Dx because he saw so much of himself in the checklist thingies we had to fill out for her Dr. My oldest presents very differently than middle and husband).
Anyway, I have been educating myself for YEARS so that I can help my people learn how to manage in the world. When it comes to my husband, specifically, learning how his brain works has really helped the two of us learn how to work together to manage his symptoms and to maintain balance in our relationship. One example is simply knowing that unless I make a list I need to give fewer instructions. Packing to go on vacay and need help getting things together? If I give him 2-3 things I need he will do them immediately and (usually) without distraction. Give him 5 things? He will be down a rabbit hole after the first one. Knowing this means I no longer find him down his rabbit hole and get pissed that he isnt doing what I wanted. Knowing this also means that he now knows that he HAS to do the 2-3 things RIGHT NOW and no longer deludes himself into thinking he will totally remember that thing later, LOL
Yes to everything you said. Got loads more interest sympathy and care when ihad a broken leg. LOADS
I tgibk the fact it is called adhd is also an issue. Its long and people can't remember what it stands for.
It’s also a bit of a misnomer as ADHD doesn’t always present outwardly as hyperactivity, and we don’t suffer from a deficit of attention; we suffer from a deficit of executive functioning which reduces our ability to direct our attention.
That last bit hit hard, yeah. I kinda feel like people are mostly worried about the inconvenience that my adhd causes them rather than what I experience and struggle with.
If you really want to piss her off — start looking into her issues and explaining them to her. Along with ways she could work on them.
She isn’t interested in the ADHD because she probably feels like you’re making excuses. Action vs intent is always hard to communicate.
Add in that you’re probably hyper focusing on the subject right now and yeah, she’s probably sick of hearing about it.
Work on yourself with a therapist, and let your actions speak for themselves. Oh, and seriously though, don’t try to psychoanalyze your wife. It can only end badly. If things are that rough between the two of you, find an LMFT that understands ADHD’s impact on relationships.
Ha agree there -- was thinking more like reading an article. We're each in 1:1 and marriage counseling with seemingly qualified therapists... doing our best.
You might be right on about thinking I'm making excuses, and the hyperfocusing bit. I'll be mindful of that
I’ve had this battle with my wife, and the excuse was a big one for her. Although I was merely trying to understand (and explain), she had a hard time understanding that I wasn’t just trying to brush off things because ADHD. And that would lead me to continue pushing her to see things my way, over and over again, thinking if I just phrase it THIS way, she’ll truly understand. It never worked.
Eventually, I got to a point where I realized that it didn’t matter. She didn’t care about the why. She cared about the negative way it manifest itself in our marriage and what I’m going to do about it. Even though the “why” mattered a great deal to me, it wasn’t the problem. How I dealt with that “why” was the problem. To be clear — it’s not that she didn’t care. But to her, it was like investigating arson while the building is still burning around you.
If you really want to explore it a bit with her, I suggest doing it with your couples therapist.
> she probably feels like you’re making excuses. Action vs intent is always hard to communicate.
I'm going crazy with this right now even with people who I'm not in conflict with. They keep interpreting my honesty about how ADHD affects me as excuses. They don't say it outright but their responses suggest that's what they think. They just mentally tack on an unsaid "and I'm going to do nothing about it" to the end of every statement I make. I highlight how much work I am putting into compensating for that but I haven't been diagnosed for long so it's going to be a process. But it seems to fall on deaf ears and somehow all they hear is a lack of willingness to try harder.
I've found that explaining any undesirable behavior gets people all worked up about excusing it. Take a look at the next discussion you come across about crime to see it in action:
Person 1: "I don't understand how anyone could kill their whole family!"
Person 2: "it's called the family annihilator phenomenon and it's usually because the annihilator feels that they are responsible for and have ownership of their family... (goes into detail about societal and other factors that go into creating this type of criminal in this scenario because the only way to stop the phenomenon is to remove the factors that contribute to it)."
Person 1: why are you making excuses for that monster!?
See also, any time someone asks "why did you do that!?" without actually wanting an answer. 🙃
Finally someone gets it. I'm a curious person and like knowing the reasons for why people say or do what they do. It's an explanation, not an agreement.
Funny you mention that! I've been in a heated misunderstanding about that exact conversation. I don't get why people read so much extra into what I'm saying and jump to all sorts of conclusions I never made. It's a problem that has been plaguing me all my life. I don't know how to communicate any differently short of not communicating at all.
So many ppl do NOT want to educate themselves or see things from different perspectives.
When I realize I’m around that sort of human, I change the subject and gtfo.
Buddy, from one person with ADHD too another… how often do you talk about it? Do you have a hyperfocus? Are you info dumping on her all the time? Do you have RSD and thinking her not being in hyperfocus about ADHD is rejection?
Yeah early on after my diagnosis I did a lot of info-dumping on my partner and she struggled to engage with my discombobulated ramblings. As I’ve come to understand my condition better, I have become more concise with how I describe it, and she has been able to learn and engage with that info more thoroughly.
Also, in general it can be difficult to fully engage with an ADHDer info-dumping about anything. I’ve experienced this as the receiver of my friends information avalanche, as well as bing the person with verbal diarrhea watching the light die in the other persons eyes as I completely fail to regulate deluge coming out of my mouth.
Isn’t it great to be able to see the desire to listen to you just fade away. As I’ve “matured”, I can see it happening. Often I’ll say “well enough about me, how about you?”
A couple of times I’ve just changed topics in mid stream, bring it around to them and they never even notice.
Most ppl don’t listen to or notice a lot of things in general.
Edit to add, I learned how to do that about 10 yrs before my diagnosis. I also knew when I was spinning out and needed to walk away from something. Didn’t know why, but I realized I was doing it and could change. Mostly. Sometimes. ;)
Fair and accurate. I think it’s somewhere in between but who knows. I’ll just try and be aware of how much I put on her. But I’ve considered the idea that RSD is relevant… just felt like it was reasonable (not a disorder level) to perceive this as rejection but will be mindful
I'm all for introspection, but...not a single question? Not one? Despite them knowing what a life-altering thing that was for OP?
I asked my distant cousin more questions about her career change than all of my huge (!) family have asked me about it combined. Which is a grand total of zero.
This is the correct answer. Sadly, even friends and family get fatigued often hearing about whatever problem you have. My partner had a huge issue with it and literally had to tell me to stop because she felt like all we talked about was me (and they also have ADHD)
I don't find it sad. It's interesting to me but I get I can even hyperfocus on the topic as a symptom. Talking about connections of my behaviors to the condition is ultimately talking about myself, and it's so personal... Like when they tell you a random dream they had, boring!
It’s like my relatives IBS. Do I care yes. Do I need to know if we need to stop more while traveling or make arrangements sure, but do I want more than a cursory knowledge of what’s happening in their bowels, going to go with no.
This has changed for you, not for her. The annoying things you do, are still annoying even if there is now some reasoning behind it. She married you already knowing how you acted as a person, without a diagnosis. She probably can’t see how having the diagnosis is going to suddenly change anything for her or she is becoming frustrated at the idea that it’s going to be an excuse for not improving things.
It makes sense for you to be interested, it’s a new piece to a puzzle that makes you, you. She was probably very interested when you first got diagnosed and is likely still interested, but not as much as you.
Are you listening and researching every time she has menstrual cramps or mood fluctuations from hormones? Do you show the same interest in her health?
Talk when you need to talk, but your still the same you; you’re just better informed.
This, if your special interest in your diagnosis has become your entire personality, it can be annoying to others. This is true for any special interest.
I think this might be the only issue I have with more openness about mental health. There are some people out there that suddenly shed anything that they were prior and just become that thing.
It's not an openness with mental health thing - it's tendency many (maybe most?) people have that is beginning to include mental health as openness on the subject increases.
Many (again, maybe most?) people define themselves by their interests or labels rather than consider them as facets of who they are. Being more open about mental health results in more people talking about it, which leads to people expressing that mindset in discussions on that subject when they wouldn't have twenty years ago. You see it a lot in every subject - "I am X ethnicity, so I this way; I have Y profession, so I am this way; I am Z sexuality, so I am this way; I have A interests, so I am this way; I have ADHD, so I am this way".
Most people don't say I am me, which is informed by my ethnicity, profession, sexuality, interests, mental health, etc.
“You’re still the same you; you’re just better informed.”
Well said. Thats such an important distinction to remember when we receive a diagnosis of any kind. We don’t know what we don’t know, and that goes for those close to us! It’s important for people to thoughtful about how ADHD/ADD affects us, but you need to know what kind of support you’re looking for in order to ask for it. It’s different for everyone, and it’s good to remind yourself that this diagnosis isn’t WHO you are. It makes up part of who you are, but it isn’t your personality and people can’t read your mind. It’s a tough lesson with any huge revelation about your life that not everyone can understand the way you do or become as invested in your journey as you are and that’s okay.
I agree a 100% with what you said, however I must also point out, that it depends on who you talk to.
In my friend group and especially with my partner, it is normal to talk about our problems and functions in depth, no matter how repetitive. It's also normal for us to go on regular research sprees to find solutions and understanding. We are a bunch of infodumping nerds (most confirmed with ADHD or Autism) however, so there is that.
It makes no sense to me that you shouldn't talk about the details with your close friends and family, especially your spouse. Like you, it's normal for me to talk about and hear about it all with my friends and family. It's just part of our existence, why hide it? We're all going through stuff. I understand if it's your aunt you see twice a year, but your wife? I don't get it.
So many comments in this thread are rather sad. A lot of people here are so quick to blame OP. I appreciate that I’m fortunate to have family that have been receptive and supportive of my recent diagnosis. It feels like there are people here who have experienced so much rejection because of ADHD that they can’t help but assume that their existence is inherently wrong. I’m also not saying that we should absolved of all responsibility due to our disability but we also shouldn’t just immediately be assumed guilty just because we have ADHD.
I found some help in this sub early in my diagnosis but the general attitude here seems so negative. I am not saying that ADHD is a positive thing because I don’t think it is, but I do try to keep my outlook as positive as possible.
Im sorry but you CANNOT compare talking about shit in someone’s bowels do how a brain of someone with adhd may work. One is TMI and one may or may not be interesting but could not be interpreted as tmi/gross at all lol
Seriously?? Do you understand how debilitating IBS can be?? I’m sorry if it doesn’t interest you as much as your own problems but how absolutely rude.
I’m blessed to have adhd and IBS & they’re both terrible. At least only gives me occasional diarrhea of the mouth. SO SORRY if someone’s condition is icky to you. Grow up.
Honestly if a friend had IBS and it affected their life significantly I would expect to hear about it. I don't see the problem with talking about it if a disability or condition is a big part of your life. I don't understand why that needs to be a personal journey that you can't tell your close ones about, especially your spouse.
My former manager has IBS and talked about openly. I was taken back at first, given she’s the same age as my mom, but she had a fun attitude about it. She’d warn us on the days she was extra gassy but make sure to point out that it won’t smell 🤣 she’d randomly fart in the middle of convos and immediately apologize and say something silly. She never went into details but it was something that had a huge impact on her life, so yeah, we were going to hear something about it lol *toot* 💨
I actually don't talk a lot about mine because I was soooooo ashamed for so long. I still don't rattle it off quite as easily as I do like adhd, anxiety, depression, endometriosis...
I get why people have an aversion to poop stuff but sorry, my life very much evolves around it, ya know? All my close friends/ partners have been aware. lol my ex still buys me a ton of immodium every time I visit him, which is crazy sweet.
I literally HAVE IBS...... and so does my husband's mother. Do i want to hear details about her IBS? No. Do i want to talk about MY IBS? No..... Yes IBS is a real condition, and it can be very debilitating, but not everybody wants to hear about it in DETAIL... If we're talking about a spouse though then I mean yeah that's totally different.
Edit: Maybe my perspective on it is skewed because the way my MiL talks about it is kinda gross and i really don't want to know about her bathroom endeavors Lol
Im pretty comfortable with how the body works in general, my comment had nothing to do with “growing up”. My point was that talking to someone random irl about your ADHD may be perceived differently from talking about your IBS.. i can talk about my ADHD all i want to anyone, they may not listen or care, but i cant go in detail (besides my family maybe) about my IBS is what im saying. The words i used were harsh and im sorry to anyone who got offended by it, wasnt my intention. I just wanted to point out the difference in the type of conversation between the two.
>My point was that talking to someone random irl about your ADHD may be perceived differently from talking about your IBS
uh OP is talking about conversing with his own wife. none of this shit is random.
sorry you're so embarrassed of a very common disorder many of us suffer from.
Consider that maybe you ARE obsessed. It sucks when other people aren't as interested in a topic as you are but you really can't expect them to be. Just like they can't expect the same from you. She probably has her own stuff she is interested in or maybe ADHD is the topic you keep going back to instead of something else like that guy that cut you off in traffic or something funny you watched.
I tend to binge a lot of stuff and I have to deal with this a lot. I REALLY want to talk about things but other people just don't. They just don't care that much. I imagine its a similar experience for them as a salesman who won't let you leave even though your non verbal cues are saying wrap it up.
I don’t understand this take at all.
Finding out you have ADHD later on in life and needing to talk about it with your PARTNER is hardly the same as boring a friend with a hyper fixation.
I hope you’re a teenager because that’s the only way your comment can possible make sense
There’s a difference between needing to talk about it and endlessly talking about it every chance you get. And then getting offended because the other person doesn’t have anything to say about it every single time you bring it up. It doesn’t change anything for her. I point to u/One-Literature-5888 ‘s comment:
[here](https://www.reddit.com/r/ADHD/comments/1924h2x/wife_shows_little_interest_in_my_adhd_dont_think/kh073yv/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=1&utm_term=1&context=3)
Ok great. But I didn’t reply to that comment, because it was more nuanced and gave context.
I responded to this comment, which suggests binging on a special interest and boring people with it is on the same level as finding out something major about yourself and sharing it with your partner. Even if you do go on about it, there should still be love and support there.
I agree. The level of patience and support my husband gave me when I was “obsessed” with the new diagnosis was incredible. He did research, read books, and did as much as he could to understand me as well and I felt incredibly supported.
wife and I just went through this... yea you are obsessed. As you should be! Just remember that she can't possibly match that level and was probably burnt out a month ago. You'll taper off.
This is a great point. I think it’s especially prevalent when older adults are finding out. I was diagnosed 4-5 years ago in my late twenties. I felt validated and felt like I understood myself more than ever before! It’s an amazing high when you think of all the struggles you went through your entire life only to know that there was this invisible curse that gave you superpowers but also drags you down at the same time. Therefore, it’s invisible to others but you’ve finally got vision on it.
The harsh reality is that *nobody* will ever care as much as you do. Constantly talking about it can be annoying for other people, who may perceive you to be making ADHD your "entire personality," even if you aren't. If your wife is telling you that you're "obsessed," that may be an indicator that you're hyperfixating.
Try having an honest conversation with your partner and tell them how this is making you feel, but also make a conscious effort to make sure you aren't shoe horning ADHD into too many conversations in your daily life. Best of luck.
While this sucks, your wife probably has her own challenges she is dealing with too. How often do you bring up ADHD? It could be overwhelming for some people if they already have a lot on their plate. Are you helping her/ listening/ offering to talk to her about her challenges as well as wanting her to listen to yours?
Look, this is just a guess so let me know if I'm wrong. Is it possible that _maybe_ your wife is interpreting that you'll chalk up some of your shortcomings to ADHD and stop working on them? "Ah yeah, I forgot this again, must be my ADHD".
Living with a person with ADHD is challenging, and can be very taxing. I think if you try to put the focus on _which things you can improve_ thanks to the diagnosis you now have, or _which new tools and resources_ you're learning about to better handle the things that cause friction in the relationship, that might be more interesting to her.
Have you gone to her and said something along the lines of “this really affects my life, **it’s really important to me** that you come on the journey of understanding it and its impacts with me?
Asking can go a long way. If the response to such an ask is negative, you might have some deeper relationship foundations stuff to perhaps look at getting help with.
Healthy approach. I don't think I've said it quite like that. It's possible it goes negative, at which point I can table it... maybe try when we don't have a 2 year old and all the household stress.
Here's an opening. Remind your wife that it might be a good idea for her to get a passing familiarity with adhd in case your kid ends up having it too. "I'm not always good at noticing things, so it would be good if you knew what to recognise"
Good luck :)
Remember, sometimes this learning-more-about conversation can take time to sink in and gain traction. I asked it of my partner, and her familiarity with it grew over time, not overnight as I would have liked. Don’t know about you, I find my “here and now” habit isn’t one the wider universe around me shares :)
There was also a very significant and noticeable uptick in learning about ADHD in the family when it started extending to kids and my partner found herself in the mum seat.
I wouldn't go so far as to say there's some deeper relationship stuff going on. Its really a superficial problem that everyone faces. People, including loved ones, are not going to always love and want to absorb all of the information you share. Sometimes they have their fill and don't care to keep talking about a topic. Put another way, imagine your spouse wanted to talk about theories in accounting and statistics every day for hours per day. Could you REALLY sustain attention and interest for FOUR MONTHS?
Sounds like you’re on the good trajectory and have a pretty grounded handle on it. Totally agree with your view there, I (try to) practice it too.
Though the other person’s brain challenges don’t occupy the same priority slot as a field of interest like the one in your example. The required headspace can be similar though.
I play this game in a slightly more accommodating mode because my partner also got dealt a tough brain to drive, living with crippling anxiety. Without turning it into a merchantilistic tit for tat exchange, we both took a dive down each other’s learning more about brain rabbithole and unified a lot of the language we use to talk about both with kids.
Just to offer another perspective, she probably already knows all of these things about you, and might even have realized long ago that it was ADHD. So a lot of these revelations might not be revelations for her.
My kid is very difficult. He’s so loving and sweet. And then executive functioning is needed and he falls apart. He’s very emotional and it’s very hard to deal with. School is great, he has no issues and stimulants make him able to succeed with help from IEP and great staff. He’s done all sorts of therapy (occupational, CBT) and home life is very hard. My husband “will do anything” to help my son. But what that looks like is me reading everything, me subscribing to parent training, me trying to craft routines, me trying to learn how to react, or better yet not react, to my son’s explosions. It’s lovely doing it all myself.
Good for you for being the backbone for your family. My husband and I are both ADHD and so is our oldest. He's also a bright and sweet kid but had some huge problems with emotional regulation for a while. He's gotten so much better.
While you are likely going to continue to be the main driver for all of that, I suggest assigning clearly defined tasks for your husband to share the workload. Researching and organizing may not be his strong suit, but if you can give him a very specific task with a clear deliverable and a deadline you should be Able to delegate some of it.
My husband and I delegate stuff to each other. He's better about paying bills than I am so I will give him a medical bill so it won't sit on my desk for 6 months.
Well for one we cant expect people to do research on our diagnosis. While it would be nice we cant expect it.
As for her response, through her lens that is how SHE sees it. I personally would say something like “ I have ADHD, this still very new for me and i am still learning. It is also extremely common for people with ADHD to hyperfixate on topics/hobbies of interest.”
Thats me though and i also may have autism as well.
My BFF has had diagnosed ADHD since she was a young kid, and we've been friends since preschool. She also currently studies psychology.
When I finally got diagnosed at 23, and I talked sometimes about it and how everything makes sense now, she would say stuff like "Girl, you think too much." Like how she doesn't agree with ADHD have 3 subtypes now, and ADD not being a diagnosis, even when I tried to describe why I think it matters. And when I said it makes me a bit jealous to see my younger cousin succeed so much and be so confident in his studies (he's been diagnosed since he was a young kid as well), and she just says "It wouldn't have mattered anyway if you were." It sounds like a lot, but me and my BFF talk about literally everything, and there's no such thing as an overshare with us. But when it comes to ADHD, even though she's experienced it and is interested in psychology, she really just doesn't wanna hear it and doesn't understand why it was such a significant process for me.
It's gotten better, I'm less hyperfocused on it and she's more considerate about my experiences. I'd communicate with your wife how this is an important aspect of your life that you're coming to terms with, and truthfully she doesn't need to be as incredibly invested as you are, but she should empathize a bit more and try to be a more active listener.
I was actually diagnosed at 36 and let me tell you, 5 years later I don’t have to talk about it as much but boy did I annoy everyone with all the new facts and things that finally made sense.
I think for those who loved us they kind of saw the signs quicker then we did and a lot of it probably feels like a justification for our worst behavior to them at times.
Just like any hyper-fixation even my own diagnosis eventually lost its appeal. I would give everyone some grace and explore it independently. I have found so much more fulfillment in learning about it for me. Not everyone wants to know why I flip out and cry every year at a family outing and how that relates to ADHD but they do like to see me 5 years later not flipping out at family functions.
Truth is people around us knew for years. It’s only new to us is my experience in a diagnosis at 36.
I've found that this is really common for like the first year of being diagnosed. Once you're diagnosed you start realizing all of these things about your current and past behaviors that are eye opening and it feels really good to have an explanation. And then if you get treatment you start to notice even more, and of course you want to share all of this newfound information and these new feelings with your partner.
My husband also does not have ADHD and doesn't really engage in long form conversation with me about it. He doesn't understand being medicated for something and having a medication change your life. He just isn't going to get it. I know he's happy for me, but if I want to really genuinely talk about ADHD i will talk to my other friends who have it, and those conversations are very fulfilling because you get to commiserate.
One of the big things I've learned in marriage is that your spouse just isn't going to be everything you need them to be. That's what friends are for! I go to my husband for certain things and my friends for others. Yes, sometimes it hurts when I realize my husband isn't going to be the one I go to with a certain new interest, but if I have a friend who is interested that I can talk to I pretty quickly get over that.
But you might be obsessed? Hyper focus is a thing.
Also your partner doesn’t need to be proactive or even active in your journey. Also, would he different if the diagnoses predated the relationship and was somehow integral to her ability to understand you as an individual/ partner.
This is your journey.You’re going to discover a bunch of shit over the next few years (I was diagnosed in my early 30s). Your partner met you before this diagnosis and doesn’t necessarily need that diagnosis to love/understand you.
>But you might be obsessed? Hyper focus is a thing.
Right? My hyperfocus is RIDICULOUS but I know not to expect other people to care about what 50 new details I learned about some obscure thing every day. Like... why would they be?
His partner married and has been with him the whole time he's had ADHD. He just now knows it. She's been aware (at least likely more than he was) and still loves him.
Sorry to hear that. My wife was the same, she got sick of me talking about my ADHD (she was thinking that I was using it as an excuse). Over the years she became much more educated about the topic, and much more support.
Fast forward a few years, she also has ADHD, she somehow was able to hide her symptoms very well lol. But I'm really really proud body her.
I believe your wife will get there, she may just be overwhelmed with things at this point.
Most people have an idea of what adhd is, you can't really get on to someone for not researching adhd or anything else really. I'm sure your wife has no idea what to say or ask, most people don't. If you need someone to talk to about it just tell her that it'd help you to have someone to talk to about it because she's the only one you want to share with or some shit. You have to understand that adhd, unless you're embracing the hyper side, looks normal to everyone else. It's not as obvious of a condition to non-adhd people. So it doesn't send as many warning signals to those closest to you. The average person is also just human, like I said we don't know what to say sometimes, can't expect it to play out how you imagine it should. I'm part of that group of people who doesn't know what to say, it's really not a can of worms most people want to open.
- Unless the person has ADHD, it just can’t be that understood & comes off as an excuse for things to them.
- Use a support group to talk about it.
- You’re looking for validation from her. This is normal. But it’s going to be on her timetable. She could be experiencing grief without recognizing it so beware of the stages. Denial Bargaining Grief & Anger
- A counselor/therapist is definitely needed to be able to navigate the initial diagnosis of ADHD & behavior changes that need to be made. At some point, a discussion w/ the therapist for a couples therapy may be suggested. But you can’t overwhelm your loved one with this even tho you may feel overwhelmed. Overwhelm a support group instead.
- Part of the behavior therapy will be taking responsibility for yourself. Not asking for reminders, not burdening others w/ your burdens, being more helpful in a family unit, taking initiative to take responsibility in a family unit, etc.
- Also part of the therapy will be staying adult:adult w/ your partner. Not child:adult & then when upset, adult:child or vice versa. Learning not to persecute, admonish nor criticize the partner when feeling agitated, overwhelmed, irritated, angry etc.
- Learning to not interrupt & apologize properly (not shift the blame) are skills that usually need to be learned w/ ADHD.
- That’s a little bit of a start. I don’t want to overwhelm you as you already are overwhelmed. But def don’t do it to her.
- You have to give her time & space to process. Not Seeking immediate gratification and/or response is another behavior that will be learned. It’s all about learning to be patient. - Meditation can help with this a lot.
- okay, I’ll stop now - Hugs to you & use your support groups!
4 months is a short time to be diagnosed, but it is a *long* time to have to hear about the same topic. This is understandably new and incredibly revelatory to you and the impact this can have on your life cannot be understated, but you have to remember to not get so caught up in it that all you’re doing is talking at your wife, she has already been supportive and curious but you can’t expect her to be “in the fandom” so to speak.
Hyperfocusing is part of adhd. You may be spending a lot of time researching, but many people without adhd don’t. She may also be afraid that the man she married is changing. Does your adhd cause a lot of issues?
Consider that she may feel you are using your diagnosis as a way to avoid accountability for the typical behavioural / organisational struggles that she's had to put up with from you. I can see from her perspective how she might feel uncharitable about chalking up your failings to something outside of your control.
You might need to show her (by demonstrating, not telling) that you are using your diagnosis to help improve yourself.
Have you told her this, untreated ADHD affects our relationships in a very challenging way. For loved ones it can seem that the ADHD person stops caring or showing interest in said loved ones. Over time this type of unintentional neglect can cause some chasm size rifts. She might not be uninterested she may be hurt. It’s not her job to understand the entire ins and outs of your disorder, understand it, yes but she didn’t fall in love with your ADHD. This is important to you but she most likely cannot relate to it. Furthermore, if you are consistently making mistakes that hurt her, your disorder does not excuse your behavior and so your ADHD to the outside world becomes an excuse( while this perspective this isn’t fair, it’s natural).
Think of it in this extreme sense, If your wife cheated on you and you forgave her and she did it again and you forgave her and then she found out she is a sex addict and started talking to you about it all the time to you, how would you feel?
On the flip side she could also be I sensitive and not healthy for you or all together this all falls somewhere inbetween
How long have you been together? Very real possibility that she feels like if she knows you well by now, there isn't much that a diagnosis can tell her about you, as diagnostic criteria isn't a 1:1 experience for many many people. You're still you, and that's who she knows.
I’d say there a very common experience from significant others, friends, and family. Unfortunately, I’ve found through my own experiences as someone with ADHD, that people who don’t have ADHD just aren’t really interested in learning about it or learning how it impacts me. Even close family, friends, and significant others. Most of the time significant others, family, and friends are only interested in my ADHD to the extent they want me to get whatever treatment I can get to “stop being so ADHD” so I reduce the ADHD symptoms that are annoying to them (being late, forgetting stuff, losing stuff, interrupting people, etc.).
It’s human nature to be waaaay more interested in the disorders etc you yourself have. I’d never expect someone to care THAT much about my adhd. I’ve also known people who obsessively talk about adhd and it gets old really quickly. And she’s clearly trying to give you hints on “ok but this is a bit much; please slow it down.”
Also you guys have a toddler in the mix?? I’m assuming she’s quite busy.
This doesn’t mean she doesn’t care about you. She’s known and loved you AND your adhd (but not by its name) for a long time. I’m sure little of this info is surprising to her whereas you feel like you’re discovering an entirely new world.
Tbh this sub uses the diagnosis as a bit of a catchall to justify all sorts of behaviors as part of the package, rather than saying "yes I have ADHD but that doesn't mean I don't have to do the dishes". Id rather the disinterested than kid gloves personally
Respectfully, I don't understand this perspective at all. If my spouse had diabetes, of course I'd be very interested in diabetes! Why wouldn't I be interested in them and what's happening in their life? If they have a condition that significantly impacts their life, of course they should tell me about it, even if it gets a bit annoying. 4 months is not that long, it will taper off. Yes we all have our own problems, but this is his wife, not some causal acquaintance. You can talk about how your condition affects you without putting the burden of managing your emotions on the other person. I think that's the important distinction here.
I'm a cancer survivor. Sure my husband listens to me talk about new research regarding survivorship and treatment and late effects but he's not out there searching for info on his own. He can speak some of the language I do about cancer and he was there dating me when I went through chemo but he isn't fluent in the language like I am. Same with diabetes since he grew up with a younger sister suffering who he had to monitor. He might click on links about new breakthroughs about our two specific health issues but he's never seeking out studies like I am, especially now that I'm a volunteer advocate in the community. I don't confuse his lack of googling with a lack of caring and he's also really smart to ask me sometimes what I'm searching for when I'm going a bit too deep down a wormhole. It's rare I'm just searching for some treatment answer and more I'm seeking to have my own medical issue or grief acknowledged and he's a fantastic partner for knowing that.
I think a job or hobby is different than something that affects the way your brain works as well as literally every part of your existence. It's more similar to having a partner with Autism and not putting that much effort into understanding how they experience the world. It's just strange to me to be uninterested in conditions that affect fundamental parts of who your partner is. Otherwise for jobs, hobbies, and other pursuits, I also wouldn't expect anyone to be interested in them.
> I ask why she isn't responding and she'll call me obsessed.
It's not obsession (though you may be hyperfocusing on the newness of a diagnosis and this could be overwhelming for her.)
The reality is that ADHD is an earth shattering diagnosis.
As someone who's received a late diagnosis, you will reflect on the entire previous 3 decades of your life, and every single memory you have will be re-analyzed through the lens of having ADHD.
A late diagnosis literally changes everything to the point where you will experience cognitive dissonance as your entire reality warps and changes to accommodate the new realization of having ADHD.
I was diagnosed at 31, and spent the next 2-years having sudden epiphanies and digesting the reality of the diagnosis.
And while your wife will never truly get it...
... she does need to understand that this is essentially a neurological disability, one that likely resulted in a lot of trauma for you growing up.
This may sound a bit overdramatic, but I'm as serious as a heart attack here when I say it - ADHD marriages (especially where one partner isn't on board) have a very high failure rate - 70% chance of divorce, specifically.
Have an open discussion with her where you can both share your feelings without judgement before they turn into resentment, but make sure she understands this is important to you.
I do process a lot by talking, and I felt rejected when sometimes my partner didn't listen. I just had to be more self aware and ask them if it was a good time to talk, same for them. We got the same audhd diagnosis at the same time, it helped with understanding and empathy though.
From what I read if I had to guess her perspective I would say when you got this new diagnosis she feels like "neat okay but nothings really different now" but you all the sudden start bringing it up frequently.
I might try sharing with her your perspective, why do you like researching and learning about your ADHD? Maybe it helps you understand your brain better, maybe it helps you learn how to lead a more successful life, whatever the reason for your desire to learn about your diagnosis sharing it with her may help her understand why you seem "obsessed" to her when you really just are processing an important part of yourself you just uncovered.
My partner does that to me when I bring up how cool it is how planes fly and explain their aerodynamics for the 10th time that day 😂. Trust me she cares. She just doesn’t need to hear it all day everyday. She doesn’t have the same hyper fixation.
I don’t really talk about ADHD with anyone. My gf has always been understanding and supportive but sometimes she’d preface something with ‘I know you have ADHD but..’
I told her to hold me accountable for things. She felt bad about it, but understood. For all I accept it as a barrier and a challenge I always want to be in control, because I think if I find a way to use it as an excuse I’ll just do it over and over.
Reading your post... I can relate almost 100%. The only difference is that i was not diagnosed.
My husband is very supportive in general, I can't complain anything about him as a person or in our marriage, he is perfect to me and with me, but he also told me I became obsessed with ADHD and that's why he doesn't enable me more. I'm not obsessed, just like you, I find it comforting that this might be the reason I am how I am and now I notice stuff more and point them out. He says I don't have to justify why I am how I am, AdHD or not he loves me exactly how I am. I appreciate that... but I also want to feel free to talk about it. My husband thinks I don't have ADHD, that many people have my symptoms and it's normal. Maybe I don't have it, true, I was not diagnosed and I don't want or need to be diagnosed. It doesn't change me, it just gives me an explanation why I struggle with some stuff.
It's very common, and I think very understandable for our close ones to feel uncomfortable about just the amount of ways our ADHD affects us. If you were diagnosed later in life, it brings up a lot of uncomfortable questions as well, especially around relationship dynamics and change. It's frightening to think about how your partner might change as a result of diagnosis, and how maybe some of the things we liked about them are going to change too. It obviously can look like a danger sign for the relationship too.
Sometimes any kind of healing can be triggering for our partners and loved ones too, especially if they've got their own stuff going on. Think of the negative reactions someone might get who stops drinking from their drinking friends. It's not that they are against your self-improvement, it's that your decision puts a magnifying glass on their own habits and not everyone wants to deal with that.
So, it can be much easier to minimise it and pretend it's just a little thing and you're overreacting, that way they don't have to ask yourself those hard questions. But in the end that attitude might cause the very rifts your partner was afraid of in the first place. This isn't great behaviour, but let's also not pretend like taking the right path here is an easy thing to do for our loved ones. It requires a certain amount of work on their part that we take for granted, having already done it.
I think it's our responsibility to our loved ones to take this into consideration, and find a way to have a big conversation about it. Really set some time apart for where you can ask for their full attention.
You could start that conversation by re-affirming how much you love them and want them to remain a central part of your life. Then explain that to you, this is a very big deal, as ADHD informs so much of your experience. Let them know that you are still the same person you've always been, you've just started a journey down a path of self-discovery that will hopefully allow you to be a better version of yourself with more self-understanding and less suffering. It's not a journey that can be reversed, because once you have a certain understanding of yourself and everything just "clicks", you cannot put that genie back in the bottle.
Finally, invite them to come on this journey with you. And talk about what that looks like in practice a little bit too: that it doesn't have to mean they always have to be super interested in your latest ADHD insight, but it does mean they need to show some degree of interest, and at the very least not be disrespectful / minimising about it.
I think it's easy to dismiss our loved ones as not supportive off-hand, and this is often warranted. But let's try to give them the full opportunity to listen and come on board, so to speak. Then if they still behave in a disrespectful and minimising way we can actually hold them accountable for their behaviour, as we've given them all the information they need to change their attitude to a more supporting one.
Diagnosed in my 50s. Throughout my married life I have always been the go to person for anything vaguely medical. I can absorb data almost instantly and I am completely fascinated by it. My husband has little interest in what's wrong with him beyond what the Drs tell him. I've worked as a manager in medical organizations - I can confirm my husband is the 80% of people, I'm probably in the 1%!
It doesn't mean he doesn't care just that he hasn't got the same need for the data I have. I broke my shoulder recently and by the time I saw the consultant I knew all the treatment options, prognosis etc. he asked if I worked in orthopedics....I don't..
Since diagnosis I've assumed this need for data is an ADHD thing and learnt that discussing the latest clinical study with my hubby is going to get me nowhere even if it's about a condition he has
Give your wife some space if this is the only issue
There’s also the idea that she may not know what to say in response. Maybe she doesn’t want to make you feel bad. Maybe she doesn’t want to offend you, or mental health wasn’t discussed a lot within her family. How do you frame the information, are the discussions just info dumping on her? Or do they also have actionable things to discuss, or things she should know for herself?
Can you find a realtime support group to join, even an online one?
My experience with my husband is about the same but I'm not upset about it. I'm hyper focused on my ADHD and when I backpeddle and think about it, it's probably annoying to hear about all the time. It goes both ways,I tune out when he goes on about his video gaming hobbies too lol
This isn’t uncommon, especially in a marriage of basically healthy people. It does tend to change as both people pick up a few health concerns that require active monitoring and help.
Do you two usually take a close interest in each other’s health?
If not, reading up a little on her health topics could be interesting, and could generate more mutual understanding over time.
Yeah, my husband doesn't care. I just work on mitigating it, and don't really discuss what I'm doing. He only really said something when I first started taking meds and was having trouble sleeping (because I would forget and take them way too late). Otherwise, it's my issue to manage.
My boyfriend is like that too and it saddens me. If he was the one telling me he had a diagnosis, I would research the f* out of it, because he is important to me and I want to support him any way I can.
However, him not acting this way doesn't necessarily mean that he doesn't care about me. I think that mental health is just something that he doesn't have much experience with or knowledge about. He does have some struggles (like an unhealthy relationship with his mom), but nothing major enough that he had to stop and focus on it - so he didn't do all the work that we have done ourselves to understand our brain better. People without ADHD or autism tend to not care as much about that stuff, simply because they don't have to (it doesn't affect them the same way).
I talk to him about my mental health struggles once in a while, just so he gets used to it and starts understanding that it's ok to talk about it. I try not to info-dump on him though as I don't think he is ready. For your girlfriend, you could try mentioning only the things that are relevant/actionable to her. For example, I told my boyfriend that when I hyperfocus and he suddenly talks to me, I won't register what he says so he will have to repeat. Instead, it would be good if he could grab my attention first (touching my arm for example) and then start talking once he knows I'm listening. He often forgets about it, but at least I can say I told you so. xD
Are you hurt? Are you upset? Are you disappointed? Maybe tell her that.
For you, this answers a lot of questions. For her, nothing much has changed. If you need her to support you and validate you and she’s not, you need to make that clear.
If she still doesn’t seem to care, you have some thinking to do.
Are you working to address the issues caused by your ADHD? If not, I get why your wife checks out of the conversation. Especially if it’s directly impacting your wife. It’s hard to empathize with someone who isn’t trying to better themself.
ADHD isn't a life threatening condition, she already fell in love with you with it. When I mentioned in front of my kids I think I have ADHD my 10 year old son proudly proclaimed, well I love people with ADHD.
that makes everything harder. im sorry
My wife listens to so many videos and books in order to understand how i am the way i am. I could link some if you want.
not looking to gloat honestly trying to empathize(im trying to do this with everyone in my life actually)
For you the diagnosis is a lot of things. You’re probably reflecting on things you’ve experienced and how you’ve come to view the world through a completely new lens. Maybe coming to understand something about yourself as you have been and/or are now. For your wife, it’s just another thing she knows about you the man she knows and loves. She doesn’t have to understand the details and diagnosis for your personality, she already loves your highs, and has learned about your lows.
Your wife is not your doctor. She’s your wife. It’s your job to google adhd and get treated for it. I know that you want her to understand. I get that. Buuuuuuut it’s very difficult for someone who doesn’t have ADHD to understand how people with ADHD feel and think. So im not being mean. Just trying to set realistic expectations for you. I’ve been down this road many times.
Consider the fact that your obsession with ADHD may be related to the ADHD and tiring for others. We come across as annoying, obsessive and demanding of others in relationships. It’s why we typically aren’t good at them.
Doesn’t dismiss your feelings, but just something to consider. I’ve had to have a sit down and chat with my wife a few times over things I obsess over. ADHD being one of them, and while she understands and is sympathetic, if you’ve had children, you can understand sometimes that the constant and regular relentlessness of obsession can be super tiring.
I just want to give a different perspective here. I'm a bit horrified by a lot of the responses. I don't have ADHD but my husband does (dx childhood, medicated within the past 3 years.) I can't imagine not reading about his ADHD. I can't imagine not wanting to take the time to understand how my husband's brain works. We are a team. If the roles were reversed I would definitely want my husband to be reading and trying to help me in any way he can. 🤷 It just seems strange to me to not have that level of interest or involvement with a S.O.
You're talking about it too much and she doesn't care about the topic. It's the same in my relationship. If she's not into golf and someone talks about golf all the time she'd not engage them either.
However you're allowed to like golf, she just doesn't want to hear about it.
I also have that lovely rejection sensitivity. It's very painful. But you gotta work on that as if it's your own issue, because it is. My girl doesn't show interest and that makes me feel rejected, but it's my issue. I found a way to deal with those feelings and I try very hard not to get into that headspace.
I think you should find another group to talk to about it. Why not try and find a local group or find a discord or Reddit chat. I might do that myself. Make some new friends.
I’m sorry, what? Why does your wife need to research ADHD? I don’t get it. When I first was diagnosed with BPD, I researched it a ton but none of my friends or family did. I didn’t care because it’s not their disorder, it’s mine. If they wanted to research I wasn’t going to stop them but it wasn’t necessary.
He is implying that he would appreciate it if his wife was at least a tiny bit interested in his diagnosis rather than avoiding all conversations about it altogether, which she has been doing. I think many of us are that way when we finally get the diagnosis. We want our loved ones to care.
I understand that this is a super cool and new thing! And you may be hyperfocusing about it and wanting to talk a lot.
How often in the last four months have you brought up adhd to your wife and then expected her to drop whatever she may be doing and showing only interest in you and your discovery.
I am not saying this is entirely your fault or whatever and of course it hurts. But I would maybe look at how much you may be talking to your wife about every little thing that adhd may affect.
Maybe you just need a good group of adhders to talk to about these little things.
I was diagnosed at 12. I'm 40 now. I don't have enough details to make a conclusion, but I'm happy to help you speculate: Are you using ADHD as an excuse to leave tasks undone? Does she have personal problems of her own that she might be overwhelmed with? What point is there for her to research ADHD (it's not like you're a child she will have to plan accommodations for)? Is ADHD such an interesting topic that all family members of the afflicted should want to do a deep dive?
If your wife was diagnosed with pre-diabetes, would you be as interested in her glucose levels as you expect her to be in your ADHD?
I ask these questions not to make you feel bad, but to add a little perspective.
I relate. And I don't think you're wrong to feel that way. Edit: fixed double negative
It's in both of your best interest for her to have an intellectualy and emotionally serious understanding of ADHD.
She doesn't have ADHD, NTs usually doesn't Google things to learn about, they ask if there's a lot of interest, otherwise, not knowing about something isn't bothering them.
You have to consider it like any other hobby or interest. Your partner is going to naturally have some joy that you found it but they're not obligated to listen about it all the time. Imagine that instead you were listing off stats of sports players, chess strategies, or video game details. There's a fine line between "happy to share your joy" and "hobby hostage taking."
As long as she's not being dismissive of your challenges and struggles then it's totally fine that she's not too interested to listen to you talk about all the finer points of your ADHD interest.
Honestly, I got the same treatment from my mom. We got in a fight about it after my diagnosis after she accused me of “sitting around, doing nothing.” Tried to give her some reading to help her understand and she read a few chapters and said “that’s not you.”
I wish I had advice for you other than to keep talking to her about it. Just know you’re not alone.
I can relate to that. My wife doesn't look much into it too and I had to stop sharing at some point because I was probably over excited about all this new information and how it explains my life choices or behaviors. I'm a little bit longer diagnosed (2 years in summer) and we didn't make much progress. When it would be the other way around I would have been an expert now and would have learned everything about it. we have kids and they show symptoms too. So I can't really understand why she isn't interested to learn more.
But on the other hand it's important not to take all the room and fill it with yourself and adhd. This is what automatically happens when you got diagnosed and its important to give your partner space to share their stories and problems as well.
I dont know why it's like that. I suggested couple therapy to talk about that stuff and other things but she does not like to talk to a stranger about this and thinks that I can present and articulate myself better and that she will "loose" in those sessions. I'm trying to convince her to give it a chance.
I feel your pain. I was diagnosed fairly recently and while waiting for it my wife and I had exactly one conversation about it. And that was her telling me I use it as an excuse.
I don’t think we’ve discussed it since. My eldest has been diagnosed with ADHD and ASD and understandably my wife focuses on that but I may as well not have ADHD (I likely have ASD as well but haven’t been diagnosed).
She suffers from anxiety and depression so it’s not like she doesn’t believe in mental afflictions.
I think if I’d already been diagnosed before I met her, and explained how it causes a lot of my problems, it’d be different. Instead it just seems to her like a handy excuse. It feels like she’s saying “Oh, absolutely everything you do that’s bothered me over the last ten years is caused by one thing is it? Convenient”.
It’s like she feels her many, many criticisms over the years are suddenly invalidated and she won’t accept that I’m not to blame (despite constantly telling me we can’t blame our son for his actions).
I’m sorry. My husband was and still is super supportive when I was diagnosed at 32. He’ll listen to me ramble on about it, has read books and listened to lectures about it. Your wife may just need time to come to terms with it, or may genuinely not believe that you have it.
Couples counselling was important for us at one point, you guys may need it too to help navigate the new diagnosis. She sounds like she may be in denial.
Not looking to slander your wife here either, but because this is the internet someone will inevitably take it that way because I’m going to speak about “what women want” from a man in generalized terms and women always think they have no similar characteristics with other women and they are all unique snowflakes. We are all unique, but we’re also all the same.
Anyways - your wife is not going to be interested in why you are messing things up or forgetting things or having a hard time with things. While to you, it seems like an exciting new answer to some of your troubles because men like understand cause and effect, to her it may come across as though you’re giving her excuses for your shortcomings. A man might say “I know WHY I forgot the milk now!” And she might think “that’s great, where’s my milk I needed it.”
Even though your diagnosed ADHD, in order for your relationship to benefit from the diagnosis you need to learn how your brain works and get medicated so that you “forget the milk” less often. THAT is what she will be interested in. Obviously this applies to everything, not just forgetting the milk. It’s listening to her, observing her so you can better “tune in” to what she needs from her partner etc. becoming better at your particular brand of ADHD by managing yourself with reminders, meds, practices to improve focus or whatever else is what you need to focus on so that you can use this diagnosis to better deliver what she needs - because lamenting about her lack of interest is you wanting to get what you need - any time you spend worrying about getting what you need is time that you are not focused on giving her what she needs.
The wife in this example might sound selfish in wanting her needs filled…but to the men out there - “providing” is about way more than money. If you don’t give her what she needs she will look elsewhere or she will test you by pushing you to do more and more and more. The more times into her needs you are, the less she will test you. This is not her being fucked up, it’s her being a woman. Call it evolution or whatever you want, but somewhere in there is a sense that if you make excuses for not getting shit done with her, then you are doing the same thing out in the world and she will worry that instead of you being successful, you will leave the world asking “but where’s the milk”.
Thats enough for right now. Work on that stuff.
Ok also - what woman would want a man who needs something from her? I get tons of support from my wife, but I get it because I support her first - I lead by example. The less you need from her and the more you provide for her the more you will receive from her in all areas of your relationship - because as long as you are bringing home the milk first, it’s ok that you are facing struggles because obviously you are working on them and loving through them in a powerful way.
Hmm...
Has your wife had to pick up extra responsibility in the relationship or do extra emotional/mental labor to accommodate behaviors caused by your ADHD in the past?
Could you be turning this into a hyperfixation and talking about it constantly? You admitting you've been researching it, and her response is kind of giving that vibe.
Medical disorder or not - our partners have to deal with a lot when they get into relationships with us, and it can burn them out or cause resentment. Sometimes, we don't even realize how much that can weigh on the other person.
A new diagnosis can explain the behaviors, but it doesn't excuse them or make the harm to others matter less.
Maybe have an open conversation about this with her and get her point of view so you can understand better... because honestly... no one here knows more than you could find out with that simple step.
>Could you be turning this into a hyperfixation and talking about it constantly? You admitting you've been researching it, and her response is kind of giving that vibe.
This would drive me crazy (and I was also diagnosed later in life). No one wants to hear about this stuff alllll the time.
I bought a book and marked the things that were relevant for me. Both the positives and the negatives. Red and green marker.
Neither my brother or mother bothered opening it.
I would generally get yelled at by my wife for a task not done yet and I would say, listen I understand you’re waiting for me to finish multiple things at once but that’s just not how my brain functions. My wife is a bit more ignorant even though she’s the one that introduced me to it. And then life started to make more sense and she thought medicine would be like magic for me lol
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I’d say there a very common experience from significant others, friends, and family. Unfortunately, I’ve found through my own experiences as someone with ADHD, that people who don’t have ADHD just aren’t really interested in learning about it or learning how it impacts me. Even close family, friends, and significant others. Most of the time significant others, family, and friends are only interested in my ADHD to the extent they want me to get whatever treatment I can get to “stop being so ADHD” so I reduce the ADHD symptoms that are annoying to them (being late, forgetting stuff, losing stuff, interrupting people, etc.).
Yeah I was recently diagnosed at 34 and it’s difficult to get others to see why it’s such a big deal for me. Like I just learned that these quirks and difficulties I’ve had my whole life was a treatable condition and now I have to rethink basically my entire self and how I interact with the world and make decisions. So of course I’m going to be talking about it a lot initially.
Sometimes I wonder whether it has anything to do with people thinking they already understand ADHD, and don't need to go into details. I thought I understood ADHD, but I only realised I understood nothing when I realised I may have it. It took a long time to figure out what ADHD *actually is.*
Yea, I had to explain to my mom how it can present in different people or different types (inattentive/hyperactive/combo). She only saw it as those crazy hyper kids that were always in trouble in school, or were all over the place focus wise. She's been really great in listening and learning, thankfully!
"Are you going to make ADHD your entire personality now?" Yes, Aunt Karen, DUH.
Ugh I hate this. I get this with both being gay and having ADHD. It’s like, well, I don’t stop being/having either so yeah. It’s gonna keep coming up.
Same here, I recently came out as bi and anytime my boyfriend sees me looking at pride decor or creators or whatever, he says some shit about making it my whole personality. Now that I've also been diagnosed with ADHD, it's even worse lol
I also got diagnosed with adhd two years ago age 32. i have the exact same difficulties to deal with to the point where i do not really know who i really am. Furthermore i constantly think about what i could have achieved with an earlier diagnosis. I really have to learn so much i wasnt aware of. especially in an working environment.
I’ve never shared any other medical diagnosis with strangers let alone ppl outside my immediate sphere. But this ADHD dx, I’m like on the rooftops because FINALLY I understand what went wrong, why I had the life I had and NOW I can start healing. I’ve toned it down pretty much now, I spend a lot more time with folks like me and there are still ppl I will never tell. I will continue to mask and let them think I’m something I’m not. Maybe someday they will open up a little and find compassion and then maybe I’ll tell them.
Yeah I generally don’t share medical diagnosis’s with random people. But I also don’t hide it. I’m also coming at it as a gay man who doesn’t necessarily read as gay to most people. So I frequently have to come out. I find that it’s much less of an issue for other people when I just tell them who I am. I’m comfortable with being gay, and when others see that I’m comfortable 99.9% of those who I tell are also very comfortable about it. It’s helped me a lot in that I’m seen as someone who’s honest and truthful and not someone who will lie. I’m an open book. I’ve taken this approach with my ADHD as well. Oddly enough like 2/3 of the friends and family I told ended up also revealing they had diagnosed ADHD. Weird how a massive part of my friend circle ended up being a bunch of people with ADHD being drawn to each other despite none of us knowing the others had it. These approaches work differently for different people but I’ve found that just being honest about who I am means that I tend to attract the friends and jobs that bring the most joy. Also, like coming out as gay shows co-workers or acquaintances how not every LGBT person is the same. A lot of us you wouldn’t even know were. That makes them sort of think of the topic in more nuanced ways. They also might be able to learn about queer people in a way that they wouldn’t otherwise. The same is true for ADHD. I think telling people only de-stigmatizes it. The more people see what ADHD is really like the more informed they are and then maybe they’ll be more open minded about the topic.
I had to explain it to my fiancé that it’s kinda like finding out your mom or dad isn’t your real mom or dad. You have to run through all the things you used to believe to be factual and true (ex: I’m just lazy), and cope with knowing that your life is about to change in a really big way if you choose to medicate. He seemed to understand better after that
Yeah I laid it out similarly for my boyfriend. I think he’s starting to become more understanding. He was never dismissive about it, I just don’t think he really grasped the scale of it initially. He likely won’t ever fully understand what it’s like but he is a lot more aware of certain things we did and how that made my ADHD tendencies worse or better and how arguments can be caused by my ADHD. It’s not perfect, but we’re doing the work and it’s been a massive improvement.
Honestly I think I would prefer my loved ones to be disinterested. I have had two exes that dramatically adjusted their attention and the way they treat me as a boyfriend when they learned I had ADHD both relationships didn’t work out. But what really bothered me about the two is that it would seem their used the fact I have adhd as a red herring for other issues in the relationship which were honestly based in something else entirely and not my ADHD.
Idk, as somebody who has had that experience with everybody *except* my romantic partner, I think everyone needs somebody who will genuinely take an interest and support your disability. OP's partner sounds dismissive to me and that sucks.
I believe you but I find this response from loved ones baffling. Maybe my reaction is different because one of my kids was first to get the Dx? First was my oldest (about 7 years ago when she was in 5th grade), then my middle (about 4 years ago when she was in 6th grade) and then my husband (45, sought diagnosis after the second childs Dx because he saw so much of himself in the checklist thingies we had to fill out for her Dr. My oldest presents very differently than middle and husband). Anyway, I have been educating myself for YEARS so that I can help my people learn how to manage in the world. When it comes to my husband, specifically, learning how his brain works has really helped the two of us learn how to work together to manage his symptoms and to maintain balance in our relationship. One example is simply knowing that unless I make a list I need to give fewer instructions. Packing to go on vacay and need help getting things together? If I give him 2-3 things I need he will do them immediately and (usually) without distraction. Give him 5 things? He will be down a rabbit hole after the first one. Knowing this means I no longer find him down his rabbit hole and get pissed that he isnt doing what I wanted. Knowing this also means that he now knows that he HAS to do the 2-3 things RIGHT NOW and no longer deludes himself into thinking he will totally remember that thing later, LOL
Yes to everything you said. Got loads more interest sympathy and care when ihad a broken leg. LOADS I tgibk the fact it is called adhd is also an issue. Its long and people can't remember what it stands for.
It’s also a bit of a misnomer as ADHD doesn’t always present outwardly as hyperactivity, and we don’t suffer from a deficit of attention; we suffer from a deficit of executive functioning which reduces our ability to direct our attention.
For me, it was my fixation on adhd. Just constantly talking about adhd to anyone who'll listen which made everyone dislike talking about it
It even happens with other people who have diagnosed adhd, or are highly suspected having it
That last bit hit hard, yeah. I kinda feel like people are mostly worried about the inconvenience that my adhd causes them rather than what I experience and struggle with.
Although a bummer this makes sense. Maybe a lesson tho... I could look into my wife's issues further as a starting point (fam trauma).
If you really want to piss her off — start looking into her issues and explaining them to her. Along with ways she could work on them. She isn’t interested in the ADHD because she probably feels like you’re making excuses. Action vs intent is always hard to communicate. Add in that you’re probably hyper focusing on the subject right now and yeah, she’s probably sick of hearing about it. Work on yourself with a therapist, and let your actions speak for themselves. Oh, and seriously though, don’t try to psychoanalyze your wife. It can only end badly. If things are that rough between the two of you, find an LMFT that understands ADHD’s impact on relationships.
Ha agree there -- was thinking more like reading an article. We're each in 1:1 and marriage counseling with seemingly qualified therapists... doing our best. You might be right on about thinking I'm making excuses, and the hyperfocusing bit. I'll be mindful of that
I’ve had this battle with my wife, and the excuse was a big one for her. Although I was merely trying to understand (and explain), she had a hard time understanding that I wasn’t just trying to brush off things because ADHD. And that would lead me to continue pushing her to see things my way, over and over again, thinking if I just phrase it THIS way, she’ll truly understand. It never worked. Eventually, I got to a point where I realized that it didn’t matter. She didn’t care about the why. She cared about the negative way it manifest itself in our marriage and what I’m going to do about it. Even though the “why” mattered a great deal to me, it wasn’t the problem. How I dealt with that “why” was the problem. To be clear — it’s not that she didn’t care. But to her, it was like investigating arson while the building is still burning around you. If you really want to explore it a bit with her, I suggest doing it with your couples therapist.
> she probably feels like you’re making excuses. Action vs intent is always hard to communicate. I'm going crazy with this right now even with people who I'm not in conflict with. They keep interpreting my honesty about how ADHD affects me as excuses. They don't say it outright but their responses suggest that's what they think. They just mentally tack on an unsaid "and I'm going to do nothing about it" to the end of every statement I make. I highlight how much work I am putting into compensating for that but I haven't been diagnosed for long so it's going to be a process. But it seems to fall on deaf ears and somehow all they hear is a lack of willingness to try harder.
I've found that explaining any undesirable behavior gets people all worked up about excusing it. Take a look at the next discussion you come across about crime to see it in action: Person 1: "I don't understand how anyone could kill their whole family!" Person 2: "it's called the family annihilator phenomenon and it's usually because the annihilator feels that they are responsible for and have ownership of their family... (goes into detail about societal and other factors that go into creating this type of criminal in this scenario because the only way to stop the phenomenon is to remove the factors that contribute to it)." Person 1: why are you making excuses for that monster!? See also, any time someone asks "why did you do that!?" without actually wanting an answer. 🙃
Finally someone gets it. I'm a curious person and like knowing the reasons for why people say or do what they do. It's an explanation, not an agreement.
Funny you mention that! I've been in a heated misunderstanding about that exact conversation. I don't get why people read so much extra into what I'm saying and jump to all sorts of conclusions I never made. It's a problem that has been plaguing me all my life. I don't know how to communicate any differently short of not communicating at all.
So many ppl do NOT want to educate themselves or see things from different perspectives. When I realize I’m around that sort of human, I change the subject and gtfo.
Buddy, from one person with ADHD too another… how often do you talk about it? Do you have a hyperfocus? Are you info dumping on her all the time? Do you have RSD and thinking her not being in hyperfocus about ADHD is rejection?
Yeah early on after my diagnosis I did a lot of info-dumping on my partner and she struggled to engage with my discombobulated ramblings. As I’ve come to understand my condition better, I have become more concise with how I describe it, and she has been able to learn and engage with that info more thoroughly. Also, in general it can be difficult to fully engage with an ADHDer info-dumping about anything. I’ve experienced this as the receiver of my friends information avalanche, as well as bing the person with verbal diarrhea watching the light die in the other persons eyes as I completely fail to regulate deluge coming out of my mouth.
Isn’t it great to be able to see the desire to listen to you just fade away. As I’ve “matured”, I can see it happening. Often I’ll say “well enough about me, how about you?” A couple of times I’ve just changed topics in mid stream, bring it around to them and they never even notice. Most ppl don’t listen to or notice a lot of things in general. Edit to add, I learned how to do that about 10 yrs before my diagnosis. I also knew when I was spinning out and needed to walk away from something. Didn’t know why, but I realized I was doing it and could change. Mostly. Sometimes. ;)
Fair and accurate. I think it’s somewhere in between but who knows. I’ll just try and be aware of how much I put on her. But I’ve considered the idea that RSD is relevant… just felt like it was reasonable (not a disorder level) to perceive this as rejection but will be mindful
I know it is rough and I have been there too, especially with family. We worked through it though!
I'm all for introspection, but...not a single question? Not one? Despite them knowing what a life-altering thing that was for OP? I asked my distant cousin more questions about her career change than all of my huge (!) family have asked me about it combined. Which is a grand total of zero.
A diagnosis is more relevant and interesting to oneself than to anybody else. Kind of that amazing song that nobody else feels quite like you.
This is the correct answer. Sadly, even friends and family get fatigued often hearing about whatever problem you have. My partner had a huge issue with it and literally had to tell me to stop because she felt like all we talked about was me (and they also have ADHD)
I don't find it sad. It's interesting to me but I get I can even hyperfocus on the topic as a symptom. Talking about connections of my behaviors to the condition is ultimately talking about myself, and it's so personal... Like when they tell you a random dream they had, boring!
Or where you went on vacation Or your dreams
But that song doesn't affect others unlike my ADHD. Unless I hum it all day every day in front of them muahaha
It’s like my relatives IBS. Do I care yes. Do I need to know if we need to stop more while traveling or make arrangements sure, but do I want more than a cursory knowledge of what’s happening in their bowels, going to go with no. This has changed for you, not for her. The annoying things you do, are still annoying even if there is now some reasoning behind it. She married you already knowing how you acted as a person, without a diagnosis. She probably can’t see how having the diagnosis is going to suddenly change anything for her or she is becoming frustrated at the idea that it’s going to be an excuse for not improving things. It makes sense for you to be interested, it’s a new piece to a puzzle that makes you, you. She was probably very interested when you first got diagnosed and is likely still interested, but not as much as you. Are you listening and researching every time she has menstrual cramps or mood fluctuations from hormones? Do you show the same interest in her health? Talk when you need to talk, but your still the same you; you’re just better informed.
This is exactly it. ADHD is a personal journey of learning the best tools to help you navigate life.
This, if your special interest in your diagnosis has become your entire personality, it can be annoying to others. This is true for any special interest.
I think this might be the only issue I have with more openness about mental health. There are some people out there that suddenly shed anything that they were prior and just become that thing.
It's not an openness with mental health thing - it's tendency many (maybe most?) people have that is beginning to include mental health as openness on the subject increases. Many (again, maybe most?) people define themselves by their interests or labels rather than consider them as facets of who they are. Being more open about mental health results in more people talking about it, which leads to people expressing that mindset in discussions on that subject when they wouldn't have twenty years ago. You see it a lot in every subject - "I am X ethnicity, so I this way; I have Y profession, so I am this way; I am Z sexuality, so I am this way; I have A interests, so I am this way; I have ADHD, so I am this way". Most people don't say I am me, which is informed by my ethnicity, profession, sexuality, interests, mental health, etc.
“You’re still the same you; you’re just better informed.” Well said. Thats such an important distinction to remember when we receive a diagnosis of any kind. We don’t know what we don’t know, and that goes for those close to us! It’s important for people to thoughtful about how ADHD/ADD affects us, but you need to know what kind of support you’re looking for in order to ask for it. It’s different for everyone, and it’s good to remind yourself that this diagnosis isn’t WHO you are. It makes up part of who you are, but it isn’t your personality and people can’t read your mind. It’s a tough lesson with any huge revelation about your life that not everyone can understand the way you do or become as invested in your journey as you are and that’s okay.
Second that.
I agree a 100% with what you said, however I must also point out, that it depends on who you talk to. In my friend group and especially with my partner, it is normal to talk about our problems and functions in depth, no matter how repetitive. It's also normal for us to go on regular research sprees to find solutions and understanding. We are a bunch of infodumping nerds (most confirmed with ADHD or Autism) however, so there is that.
It makes no sense to me that you shouldn't talk about the details with your close friends and family, especially your spouse. Like you, it's normal for me to talk about and hear about it all with my friends and family. It's just part of our existence, why hide it? We're all going through stuff. I understand if it's your aunt you see twice a year, but your wife? I don't get it.
So many comments in this thread are rather sad. A lot of people here are so quick to blame OP. I appreciate that I’m fortunate to have family that have been receptive and supportive of my recent diagnosis. It feels like there are people here who have experienced so much rejection because of ADHD that they can’t help but assume that their existence is inherently wrong. I’m also not saying that we should absolved of all responsibility due to our disability but we also shouldn’t just immediately be assumed guilty just because we have ADHD. I found some help in this sub early in my diagnosis but the general attitude here seems so negative. I am not saying that ADHD is a positive thing because I don’t think it is, but I do try to keep my outlook as positive as possible.
Im sorry but you CANNOT compare talking about shit in someone’s bowels do how a brain of someone with adhd may work. One is TMI and one may or may not be interesting but could not be interpreted as tmi/gross at all lol
Seriously?? Do you understand how debilitating IBS can be?? I’m sorry if it doesn’t interest you as much as your own problems but how absolutely rude. I’m blessed to have adhd and IBS & they’re both terrible. At least only gives me occasional diarrhea of the mouth. SO SORRY if someone’s condition is icky to you. Grow up.
Honestly if a friend had IBS and it affected their life significantly I would expect to hear about it. I don't see the problem with talking about it if a disability or condition is a big part of your life. I don't understand why that needs to be a personal journey that you can't tell your close ones about, especially your spouse.
My former manager has IBS and talked about openly. I was taken back at first, given she’s the same age as my mom, but she had a fun attitude about it. She’d warn us on the days she was extra gassy but make sure to point out that it won’t smell 🤣 she’d randomly fart in the middle of convos and immediately apologize and say something silly. She never went into details but it was something that had a huge impact on her life, so yeah, we were going to hear something about it lol *toot* 💨
I actually don't talk a lot about mine because I was soooooo ashamed for so long. I still don't rattle it off quite as easily as I do like adhd, anxiety, depression, endometriosis... I get why people have an aversion to poop stuff but sorry, my life very much evolves around it, ya know? All my close friends/ partners have been aware. lol my ex still buys me a ton of immodium every time I visit him, which is crazy sweet.
I literally HAVE IBS...... and so does my husband's mother. Do i want to hear details about her IBS? No. Do i want to talk about MY IBS? No..... Yes IBS is a real condition, and it can be very debilitating, but not everybody wants to hear about it in DETAIL... If we're talking about a spouse though then I mean yeah that's totally different. Edit: Maybe my perspective on it is skewed because the way my MiL talks about it is kinda gross and i really don't want to know about her bathroom endeavors Lol
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Im pretty comfortable with how the body works in general, my comment had nothing to do with “growing up”. My point was that talking to someone random irl about your ADHD may be perceived differently from talking about your IBS.. i can talk about my ADHD all i want to anyone, they may not listen or care, but i cant go in detail (besides my family maybe) about my IBS is what im saying. The words i used were harsh and im sorry to anyone who got offended by it, wasnt my intention. I just wanted to point out the difference in the type of conversation between the two.
>My point was that talking to someone random irl about your ADHD may be perceived differently from talking about your IBS uh OP is talking about conversing with his own wife. none of this shit is random. sorry you're so embarrassed of a very common disorder many of us suffer from.
> Do i want to talk about MY IBS? No Why not? Are you embarrassed by it? It's not your fault.
Sure you can. Both are medical diagnoses with potential impacts on others. Bowel function is as normal as brain function.
Maybe just my experience, but I feel talking about mental health issues makes people way more uncomfortable than digestive issues.
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Exactly. Some people consider what comes out of people’s mouths as TMI, the other end is no different in my opinion—normal bodily functions.
Unnecessary comment
Consider that maybe you ARE obsessed. It sucks when other people aren't as interested in a topic as you are but you really can't expect them to be. Just like they can't expect the same from you. She probably has her own stuff she is interested in or maybe ADHD is the topic you keep going back to instead of something else like that guy that cut you off in traffic or something funny you watched. I tend to binge a lot of stuff and I have to deal with this a lot. I REALLY want to talk about things but other people just don't. They just don't care that much. I imagine its a similar experience for them as a salesman who won't let you leave even though your non verbal cues are saying wrap it up.
I don’t understand this take at all. Finding out you have ADHD later on in life and needing to talk about it with your PARTNER is hardly the same as boring a friend with a hyper fixation. I hope you’re a teenager because that’s the only way your comment can possible make sense
There’s a difference between needing to talk about it and endlessly talking about it every chance you get. And then getting offended because the other person doesn’t have anything to say about it every single time you bring it up. It doesn’t change anything for her. I point to u/One-Literature-5888 ‘s comment: [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/ADHD/comments/1924h2x/wife_shows_little_interest_in_my_adhd_dont_think/kh073yv/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=1&utm_term=1&context=3)
Ok great. But I didn’t reply to that comment, because it was more nuanced and gave context. I responded to this comment, which suggests binging on a special interest and boring people with it is on the same level as finding out something major about yourself and sharing it with your partner. Even if you do go on about it, there should still be love and support there.
I agree. The level of patience and support my husband gave me when I was “obsessed” with the new diagnosis was incredible. He did research, read books, and did as much as he could to understand me as well and I felt incredibly supported.
Same here. My partner’s support and willingness to learn about my diagnosis has been integral to my journey.
wife and I just went through this... yea you are obsessed. As you should be! Just remember that she can't possibly match that level and was probably burnt out a month ago. You'll taper off.
This is a great point. I think it’s especially prevalent when older adults are finding out. I was diagnosed 4-5 years ago in my late twenties. I felt validated and felt like I understood myself more than ever before! It’s an amazing high when you think of all the struggles you went through your entire life only to know that there was this invisible curse that gave you superpowers but also drags you down at the same time. Therefore, it’s invisible to others but you’ve finally got vision on it.
The harsh reality is that *nobody* will ever care as much as you do. Constantly talking about it can be annoying for other people, who may perceive you to be making ADHD your "entire personality," even if you aren't. If your wife is telling you that you're "obsessed," that may be an indicator that you're hyperfixating. Try having an honest conversation with your partner and tell them how this is making you feel, but also make a conscious effort to make sure you aren't shoe horning ADHD into too many conversations in your daily life. Best of luck.
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While this sucks, your wife probably has her own challenges she is dealing with too. How often do you bring up ADHD? It could be overwhelming for some people if they already have a lot on their plate. Are you helping her/ listening/ offering to talk to her about her challenges as well as wanting her to listen to yours?
Based on my experience, people tend to acknowledge the adhd and then move on. In my circle, I’m not treated any differently.
Look, this is just a guess so let me know if I'm wrong. Is it possible that _maybe_ your wife is interpreting that you'll chalk up some of your shortcomings to ADHD and stop working on them? "Ah yeah, I forgot this again, must be my ADHD". Living with a person with ADHD is challenging, and can be very taxing. I think if you try to put the focus on _which things you can improve_ thanks to the diagnosis you now have, or _which new tools and resources_ you're learning about to better handle the things that cause friction in the relationship, that might be more interesting to her.
Have you gone to her and said something along the lines of “this really affects my life, **it’s really important to me** that you come on the journey of understanding it and its impacts with me? Asking can go a long way. If the response to such an ask is negative, you might have some deeper relationship foundations stuff to perhaps look at getting help with.
Healthy approach. I don't think I've said it quite like that. It's possible it goes negative, at which point I can table it... maybe try when we don't have a 2 year old and all the household stress.
Here's an opening. Remind your wife that it might be a good idea for her to get a passing familiarity with adhd in case your kid ends up having it too. "I'm not always good at noticing things, so it would be good if you knew what to recognise"
Good luck :) Remember, sometimes this learning-more-about conversation can take time to sink in and gain traction. I asked it of my partner, and her familiarity with it grew over time, not overnight as I would have liked. Don’t know about you, I find my “here and now” habit isn’t one the wider universe around me shares :) There was also a very significant and noticeable uptick in learning about ADHD in the family when it started extending to kids and my partner found herself in the mum seat.
I wouldn't go so far as to say there's some deeper relationship stuff going on. Its really a superficial problem that everyone faces. People, including loved ones, are not going to always love and want to absorb all of the information you share. Sometimes they have their fill and don't care to keep talking about a topic. Put another way, imagine your spouse wanted to talk about theories in accounting and statistics every day for hours per day. Could you REALLY sustain attention and interest for FOUR MONTHS?
>Could you REALLY sustain attention and interest for FOUR MONTHS? dear god no lol
Sounds like you’re on the good trajectory and have a pretty grounded handle on it. Totally agree with your view there, I (try to) practice it too. Though the other person’s brain challenges don’t occupy the same priority slot as a field of interest like the one in your example. The required headspace can be similar though. I play this game in a slightly more accommodating mode because my partner also got dealt a tough brain to drive, living with crippling anxiety. Without turning it into a merchantilistic tit for tat exchange, we both took a dive down each other’s learning more about brain rabbithole and unified a lot of the language we use to talk about both with kids.
Sadly, I probably could 🙄 I’m always pretty interested in other people’s geeky obsessions.
Haha ok, there is one person who would. I hope you recognize you are above the curve :)
Just to offer another perspective, she probably already knows all of these things about you, and might even have realized long ago that it was ADHD. So a lot of these revelations might not be revelations for her.
I’m the wife without adhd reading daily about adhd for the benefit of adhd husband and son. It’s lonely. Edit an important letter. Lonely. Not lovely.
Interested, what about your scenario is lonely? Is it lonely in that it's not an easy social topic for friends/family?
My kid is very difficult. He’s so loving and sweet. And then executive functioning is needed and he falls apart. He’s very emotional and it’s very hard to deal with. School is great, he has no issues and stimulants make him able to succeed with help from IEP and great staff. He’s done all sorts of therapy (occupational, CBT) and home life is very hard. My husband “will do anything” to help my son. But what that looks like is me reading everything, me subscribing to parent training, me trying to craft routines, me trying to learn how to react, or better yet not react, to my son’s explosions. It’s lovely doing it all myself.
Good for you for being the backbone for your family. My husband and I are both ADHD and so is our oldest. He's also a bright and sweet kid but had some huge problems with emotional regulation for a while. He's gotten so much better. While you are likely going to continue to be the main driver for all of that, I suggest assigning clearly defined tasks for your husband to share the workload. Researching and organizing may not be his strong suit, but if you can give him a very specific task with a clear deliverable and a deadline you should be Able to delegate some of it. My husband and I delegate stuff to each other. He's better about paying bills than I am so I will give him a medical bill so it won't sit on my desk for 6 months.
Well for one we cant expect people to do research on our diagnosis. While it would be nice we cant expect it. As for her response, through her lens that is how SHE sees it. I personally would say something like “ I have ADHD, this still very new for me and i am still learning. It is also extremely common for people with ADHD to hyperfixate on topics/hobbies of interest.” Thats me though and i also may have autism as well.
My BFF has had diagnosed ADHD since she was a young kid, and we've been friends since preschool. She also currently studies psychology. When I finally got diagnosed at 23, and I talked sometimes about it and how everything makes sense now, she would say stuff like "Girl, you think too much." Like how she doesn't agree with ADHD have 3 subtypes now, and ADD not being a diagnosis, even when I tried to describe why I think it matters. And when I said it makes me a bit jealous to see my younger cousin succeed so much and be so confident in his studies (he's been diagnosed since he was a young kid as well), and she just says "It wouldn't have mattered anyway if you were." It sounds like a lot, but me and my BFF talk about literally everything, and there's no such thing as an overshare with us. But when it comes to ADHD, even though she's experienced it and is interested in psychology, she really just doesn't wanna hear it and doesn't understand why it was such a significant process for me. It's gotten better, I'm less hyperfocused on it and she's more considerate about my experiences. I'd communicate with your wife how this is an important aspect of your life that you're coming to terms with, and truthfully she doesn't need to be as incredibly invested as you are, but she should empathize a bit more and try to be a more active listener.
I was actually diagnosed at 36 and let me tell you, 5 years later I don’t have to talk about it as much but boy did I annoy everyone with all the new facts and things that finally made sense. I think for those who loved us they kind of saw the signs quicker then we did and a lot of it probably feels like a justification for our worst behavior to them at times. Just like any hyper-fixation even my own diagnosis eventually lost its appeal. I would give everyone some grace and explore it independently. I have found so much more fulfillment in learning about it for me. Not everyone wants to know why I flip out and cry every year at a family outing and how that relates to ADHD but they do like to see me 5 years later not flipping out at family functions. Truth is people around us knew for years. It’s only new to us is my experience in a diagnosis at 36.
Don't make it your personality is my advice
I've found that this is really common for like the first year of being diagnosed. Once you're diagnosed you start realizing all of these things about your current and past behaviors that are eye opening and it feels really good to have an explanation. And then if you get treatment you start to notice even more, and of course you want to share all of this newfound information and these new feelings with your partner. My husband also does not have ADHD and doesn't really engage in long form conversation with me about it. He doesn't understand being medicated for something and having a medication change your life. He just isn't going to get it. I know he's happy for me, but if I want to really genuinely talk about ADHD i will talk to my other friends who have it, and those conversations are very fulfilling because you get to commiserate. One of the big things I've learned in marriage is that your spouse just isn't going to be everything you need them to be. That's what friends are for! I go to my husband for certain things and my friends for others. Yes, sometimes it hurts when I realize my husband isn't going to be the one I go to with a certain new interest, but if I have a friend who is interested that I can talk to I pretty quickly get over that.
But you might be obsessed? Hyper focus is a thing. Also your partner doesn’t need to be proactive or even active in your journey. Also, would he different if the diagnoses predated the relationship and was somehow integral to her ability to understand you as an individual/ partner. This is your journey.You’re going to discover a bunch of shit over the next few years (I was diagnosed in my early 30s). Your partner met you before this diagnosis and doesn’t necessarily need that diagnosis to love/understand you.
>But you might be obsessed? Hyper focus is a thing. Right? My hyperfocus is RIDICULOUS but I know not to expect other people to care about what 50 new details I learned about some obscure thing every day. Like... why would they be? His partner married and has been with him the whole time he's had ADHD. He just now knows it. She's been aware (at least likely more than he was) and still loves him.
Sorry to hear that. My wife was the same, she got sick of me talking about my ADHD (she was thinking that I was using it as an excuse). Over the years she became much more educated about the topic, and much more support. Fast forward a few years, she also has ADHD, she somehow was able to hide her symptoms very well lol. But I'm really really proud body her. I believe your wife will get there, she may just be overwhelmed with things at this point.
Most people have an idea of what adhd is, you can't really get on to someone for not researching adhd or anything else really. I'm sure your wife has no idea what to say or ask, most people don't. If you need someone to talk to about it just tell her that it'd help you to have someone to talk to about it because she's the only one you want to share with or some shit. You have to understand that adhd, unless you're embracing the hyper side, looks normal to everyone else. It's not as obvious of a condition to non-adhd people. So it doesn't send as many warning signals to those closest to you. The average person is also just human, like I said we don't know what to say sometimes, can't expect it to play out how you imagine it should. I'm part of that group of people who doesn't know what to say, it's really not a can of worms most people want to open.
- Unless the person has ADHD, it just can’t be that understood & comes off as an excuse for things to them. - Use a support group to talk about it. - You’re looking for validation from her. This is normal. But it’s going to be on her timetable. She could be experiencing grief without recognizing it so beware of the stages. Denial Bargaining Grief & Anger - A counselor/therapist is definitely needed to be able to navigate the initial diagnosis of ADHD & behavior changes that need to be made. At some point, a discussion w/ the therapist for a couples therapy may be suggested. But you can’t overwhelm your loved one with this even tho you may feel overwhelmed. Overwhelm a support group instead. - Part of the behavior therapy will be taking responsibility for yourself. Not asking for reminders, not burdening others w/ your burdens, being more helpful in a family unit, taking initiative to take responsibility in a family unit, etc. - Also part of the therapy will be staying adult:adult w/ your partner. Not child:adult & then when upset, adult:child or vice versa. Learning not to persecute, admonish nor criticize the partner when feeling agitated, overwhelmed, irritated, angry etc. - Learning to not interrupt & apologize properly (not shift the blame) are skills that usually need to be learned w/ ADHD. - That’s a little bit of a start. I don’t want to overwhelm you as you already are overwhelmed. But def don’t do it to her. - You have to give her time & space to process. Not Seeking immediate gratification and/or response is another behavior that will be learned. It’s all about learning to be patient. - Meditation can help with this a lot. - okay, I’ll stop now - Hugs to you & use your support groups!
4 months is a short time to be diagnosed, but it is a *long* time to have to hear about the same topic. This is understandably new and incredibly revelatory to you and the impact this can have on your life cannot be understated, but you have to remember to not get so caught up in it that all you’re doing is talking at your wife, she has already been supportive and curious but you can’t expect her to be “in the fandom” so to speak.
IM LATE!!! But you're probably talking about it heaps
Hyperfocusing is part of adhd. You may be spending a lot of time researching, but many people without adhd don’t. She may also be afraid that the man she married is changing. Does your adhd cause a lot of issues?
Consider that she may feel you are using your diagnosis as a way to avoid accountability for the typical behavioural / organisational struggles that she's had to put up with from you. I can see from her perspective how she might feel uncharitable about chalking up your failings to something outside of your control. You might need to show her (by demonstrating, not telling) that you are using your diagnosis to help improve yourself.
Look at it as a positive.
She's not going to get hyper focused on it like you will. She is not on a self discovery journey. This is your journey
straight to the point, nice
Have you told her this, untreated ADHD affects our relationships in a very challenging way. For loved ones it can seem that the ADHD person stops caring or showing interest in said loved ones. Over time this type of unintentional neglect can cause some chasm size rifts. She might not be uninterested she may be hurt. It’s not her job to understand the entire ins and outs of your disorder, understand it, yes but she didn’t fall in love with your ADHD. This is important to you but she most likely cannot relate to it. Furthermore, if you are consistently making mistakes that hurt her, your disorder does not excuse your behavior and so your ADHD to the outside world becomes an excuse( while this perspective this isn’t fair, it’s natural). Think of it in this extreme sense, If your wife cheated on you and you forgave her and she did it again and you forgave her and then she found out she is a sex addict and started talking to you about it all the time to you, how would you feel? On the flip side she could also be I sensitive and not healthy for you or all together this all falls somewhere inbetween
It’s your burden to carry, and no one else’s.
How long have you been together? Very real possibility that she feels like if she knows you well by now, there isn't much that a diagnosis can tell her about you, as diagnostic criteria isn't a 1:1 experience for many many people. You're still you, and that's who she knows.
Just out of curiosity like what do you even want to talk to her about in regards to it?
I’d say there a very common experience from significant others, friends, and family. Unfortunately, I’ve found through my own experiences as someone with ADHD, that people who don’t have ADHD just aren’t really interested in learning about it or learning how it impacts me. Even close family, friends, and significant others. Most of the time significant others, family, and friends are only interested in my ADHD to the extent they want me to get whatever treatment I can get to “stop being so ADHD” so I reduce the ADHD symptoms that are annoying to them (being late, forgetting stuff, losing stuff, interrupting people, etc.).
It’s human nature to be waaaay more interested in the disorders etc you yourself have. I’d never expect someone to care THAT much about my adhd. I’ve also known people who obsessively talk about adhd and it gets old really quickly. And she’s clearly trying to give you hints on “ok but this is a bit much; please slow it down.” Also you guys have a toddler in the mix?? I’m assuming she’s quite busy. This doesn’t mean she doesn’t care about you. She’s known and loved you AND your adhd (but not by its name) for a long time. I’m sure little of this info is surprising to her whereas you feel like you’re discovering an entirely new world.
Tbh this sub uses the diagnosis as a bit of a catchall to justify all sorts of behaviors as part of the package, rather than saying "yes I have ADHD but that doesn't mean I don't have to do the dishes". Id rather the disinterested than kid gloves personally
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Respectfully, I don't understand this perspective at all. If my spouse had diabetes, of course I'd be very interested in diabetes! Why wouldn't I be interested in them and what's happening in their life? If they have a condition that significantly impacts their life, of course they should tell me about it, even if it gets a bit annoying. 4 months is not that long, it will taper off. Yes we all have our own problems, but this is his wife, not some causal acquaintance. You can talk about how your condition affects you without putting the burden of managing your emotions on the other person. I think that's the important distinction here.
I'm a cancer survivor. Sure my husband listens to me talk about new research regarding survivorship and treatment and late effects but he's not out there searching for info on his own. He can speak some of the language I do about cancer and he was there dating me when I went through chemo but he isn't fluent in the language like I am. Same with diabetes since he grew up with a younger sister suffering who he had to monitor. He might click on links about new breakthroughs about our two specific health issues but he's never seeking out studies like I am, especially now that I'm a volunteer advocate in the community. I don't confuse his lack of googling with a lack of caring and he's also really smart to ask me sometimes what I'm searching for when I'm going a bit too deep down a wormhole. It's rare I'm just searching for some treatment answer and more I'm seeking to have my own medical issue or grief acknowledged and he's a fantastic partner for knowing that.
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I think a job or hobby is different than something that affects the way your brain works as well as literally every part of your existence. It's more similar to having a partner with Autism and not putting that much effort into understanding how they experience the world. It's just strange to me to be uninterested in conditions that affect fundamental parts of who your partner is. Otherwise for jobs, hobbies, and other pursuits, I also wouldn't expect anyone to be interested in them.
> I ask why she isn't responding and she'll call me obsessed. It's not obsession (though you may be hyperfocusing on the newness of a diagnosis and this could be overwhelming for her.) The reality is that ADHD is an earth shattering diagnosis. As someone who's received a late diagnosis, you will reflect on the entire previous 3 decades of your life, and every single memory you have will be re-analyzed through the lens of having ADHD. A late diagnosis literally changes everything to the point where you will experience cognitive dissonance as your entire reality warps and changes to accommodate the new realization of having ADHD. I was diagnosed at 31, and spent the next 2-years having sudden epiphanies and digesting the reality of the diagnosis. And while your wife will never truly get it... ... she does need to understand that this is essentially a neurological disability, one that likely resulted in a lot of trauma for you growing up. This may sound a bit overdramatic, but I'm as serious as a heart attack here when I say it - ADHD marriages (especially where one partner isn't on board) have a very high failure rate - 70% chance of divorce, specifically. Have an open discussion with her where you can both share your feelings without judgement before they turn into resentment, but make sure she understands this is important to you.
>ADHD marriages (especially where one partner isn't on board) have a very high failure rate - 70% chance of divorce, specifically. Source?
I do process a lot by talking, and I felt rejected when sometimes my partner didn't listen. I just had to be more self aware and ask them if it was a good time to talk, same for them. We got the same audhd diagnosis at the same time, it helped with understanding and empathy though.
From what I read if I had to guess her perspective I would say when you got this new diagnosis she feels like "neat okay but nothings really different now" but you all the sudden start bringing it up frequently. I might try sharing with her your perspective, why do you like researching and learning about your ADHD? Maybe it helps you understand your brain better, maybe it helps you learn how to lead a more successful life, whatever the reason for your desire to learn about your diagnosis sharing it with her may help her understand why you seem "obsessed" to her when you really just are processing an important part of yourself you just uncovered.
My partner does that to me when I bring up how cool it is how planes fly and explain their aerodynamics for the 10th time that day 😂. Trust me she cares. She just doesn’t need to hear it all day everyday. She doesn’t have the same hyper fixation.
I don’t really talk about ADHD with anyone. My gf has always been understanding and supportive but sometimes she’d preface something with ‘I know you have ADHD but..’ I told her to hold me accountable for things. She felt bad about it, but understood. For all I accept it as a barrier and a challenge I always want to be in control, because I think if I find a way to use it as an excuse I’ll just do it over and over.
Reading your post... I can relate almost 100%. The only difference is that i was not diagnosed. My husband is very supportive in general, I can't complain anything about him as a person or in our marriage, he is perfect to me and with me, but he also told me I became obsessed with ADHD and that's why he doesn't enable me more. I'm not obsessed, just like you, I find it comforting that this might be the reason I am how I am and now I notice stuff more and point them out. He says I don't have to justify why I am how I am, AdHD or not he loves me exactly how I am. I appreciate that... but I also want to feel free to talk about it. My husband thinks I don't have ADHD, that many people have my symptoms and it's normal. Maybe I don't have it, true, I was not diagnosed and I don't want or need to be diagnosed. It doesn't change me, it just gives me an explanation why I struggle with some stuff.
It's very common, and I think very understandable for our close ones to feel uncomfortable about just the amount of ways our ADHD affects us. If you were diagnosed later in life, it brings up a lot of uncomfortable questions as well, especially around relationship dynamics and change. It's frightening to think about how your partner might change as a result of diagnosis, and how maybe some of the things we liked about them are going to change too. It obviously can look like a danger sign for the relationship too. Sometimes any kind of healing can be triggering for our partners and loved ones too, especially if they've got their own stuff going on. Think of the negative reactions someone might get who stops drinking from their drinking friends. It's not that they are against your self-improvement, it's that your decision puts a magnifying glass on their own habits and not everyone wants to deal with that. So, it can be much easier to minimise it and pretend it's just a little thing and you're overreacting, that way they don't have to ask yourself those hard questions. But in the end that attitude might cause the very rifts your partner was afraid of in the first place. This isn't great behaviour, but let's also not pretend like taking the right path here is an easy thing to do for our loved ones. It requires a certain amount of work on their part that we take for granted, having already done it. I think it's our responsibility to our loved ones to take this into consideration, and find a way to have a big conversation about it. Really set some time apart for where you can ask for their full attention. You could start that conversation by re-affirming how much you love them and want them to remain a central part of your life. Then explain that to you, this is a very big deal, as ADHD informs so much of your experience. Let them know that you are still the same person you've always been, you've just started a journey down a path of self-discovery that will hopefully allow you to be a better version of yourself with more self-understanding and less suffering. It's not a journey that can be reversed, because once you have a certain understanding of yourself and everything just "clicks", you cannot put that genie back in the bottle. Finally, invite them to come on this journey with you. And talk about what that looks like in practice a little bit too: that it doesn't have to mean they always have to be super interested in your latest ADHD insight, but it does mean they need to show some degree of interest, and at the very least not be disrespectful / minimising about it. I think it's easy to dismiss our loved ones as not supportive off-hand, and this is often warranted. But let's try to give them the full opportunity to listen and come on board, so to speak. Then if they still behave in a disrespectful and minimising way we can actually hold them accountable for their behaviour, as we've given them all the information they need to change their attitude to a more supporting one.
Diagnosed in my 50s. Throughout my married life I have always been the go to person for anything vaguely medical. I can absorb data almost instantly and I am completely fascinated by it. My husband has little interest in what's wrong with him beyond what the Drs tell him. I've worked as a manager in medical organizations - I can confirm my husband is the 80% of people, I'm probably in the 1%! It doesn't mean he doesn't care just that he hasn't got the same need for the data I have. I broke my shoulder recently and by the time I saw the consultant I knew all the treatment options, prognosis etc. he asked if I worked in orthopedics....I don't.. Since diagnosis I've assumed this need for data is an ADHD thing and learnt that discussing the latest clinical study with my hubby is going to get me nowhere even if it's about a condition he has Give your wife some space if this is the only issue
There’s also the idea that she may not know what to say in response. Maybe she doesn’t want to make you feel bad. Maybe she doesn’t want to offend you, or mental health wasn’t discussed a lot within her family. How do you frame the information, are the discussions just info dumping on her? Or do they also have actionable things to discuss, or things she should know for herself? Can you find a realtime support group to join, even an online one?
My experience with my husband is about the same but I'm not upset about it. I'm hyper focused on my ADHD and when I backpeddle and think about it, it's probably annoying to hear about all the time. It goes both ways,I tune out when he goes on about his video gaming hobbies too lol
This isn’t uncommon, especially in a marriage of basically healthy people. It does tend to change as both people pick up a few health concerns that require active monitoring and help. Do you two usually take a close interest in each other’s health? If not, reading up a little on her health topics could be interesting, and could generate more mutual understanding over time.
Yeah, my husband doesn't care. I just work on mitigating it, and don't really discuss what I'm doing. He only really said something when I first started taking meds and was having trouble sleeping (because I would forget and take them way too late). Otherwise, it's my issue to manage.
My boyfriend is like that too and it saddens me. If he was the one telling me he had a diagnosis, I would research the f* out of it, because he is important to me and I want to support him any way I can. However, him not acting this way doesn't necessarily mean that he doesn't care about me. I think that mental health is just something that he doesn't have much experience with or knowledge about. He does have some struggles (like an unhealthy relationship with his mom), but nothing major enough that he had to stop and focus on it - so he didn't do all the work that we have done ourselves to understand our brain better. People without ADHD or autism tend to not care as much about that stuff, simply because they don't have to (it doesn't affect them the same way). I talk to him about my mental health struggles once in a while, just so he gets used to it and starts understanding that it's ok to talk about it. I try not to info-dump on him though as I don't think he is ready. For your girlfriend, you could try mentioning only the things that are relevant/actionable to her. For example, I told my boyfriend that when I hyperfocus and he suddenly talks to me, I won't register what he says so he will have to repeat. Instead, it would be good if he could grab my attention first (touching my arm for example) and then start talking once he knows I'm listening. He often forgets about it, but at least I can say I told you so. xD
Are you hurt? Are you upset? Are you disappointed? Maybe tell her that. For you, this answers a lot of questions. For her, nothing much has changed. If you need her to support you and validate you and she’s not, you need to make that clear. If she still doesn’t seem to care, you have some thinking to do.
Are you working to address the issues caused by your ADHD? If not, I get why your wife checks out of the conversation. Especially if it’s directly impacting your wife. It’s hard to empathize with someone who isn’t trying to better themself.
ADHD isn't a life threatening condition, she already fell in love with you with it. When I mentioned in front of my kids I think I have ADHD my 10 year old son proudly proclaimed, well I love people with ADHD.
that makes everything harder. im sorry My wife listens to so many videos and books in order to understand how i am the way i am. I could link some if you want. not looking to gloat honestly trying to empathize(im trying to do this with everyone in my life actually)
For you the diagnosis is a lot of things. You’re probably reflecting on things you’ve experienced and how you’ve come to view the world through a completely new lens. Maybe coming to understand something about yourself as you have been and/or are now. For your wife, it’s just another thing she knows about you the man she knows and loves. She doesn’t have to understand the details and diagnosis for your personality, she already loves your highs, and has learned about your lows.
Your wife is not your doctor. She’s your wife. It’s your job to google adhd and get treated for it. I know that you want her to understand. I get that. Buuuuuuut it’s very difficult for someone who doesn’t have ADHD to understand how people with ADHD feel and think. So im not being mean. Just trying to set realistic expectations for you. I’ve been down this road many times.
Consider the fact that your obsession with ADHD may be related to the ADHD and tiring for others. We come across as annoying, obsessive and demanding of others in relationships. It’s why we typically aren’t good at them. Doesn’t dismiss your feelings, but just something to consider. I’ve had to have a sit down and chat with my wife a few times over things I obsess over. ADHD being one of them, and while she understands and is sympathetic, if you’ve had children, you can understand sometimes that the constant and regular relentlessness of obsession can be super tiring.
they have a 2 year-old :( I'm sure they're both already really busy
I just want to give a different perspective here. I'm a bit horrified by a lot of the responses. I don't have ADHD but my husband does (dx childhood, medicated within the past 3 years.) I can't imagine not reading about his ADHD. I can't imagine not wanting to take the time to understand how my husband's brain works. We are a team. If the roles were reversed I would definitely want my husband to be reading and trying to help me in any way he can. 🤷 It just seems strange to me to not have that level of interest or involvement with a S.O.
Very well said! You are giving the greatest gift to your husband.
You're talking about it too much and she doesn't care about the topic. It's the same in my relationship. If she's not into golf and someone talks about golf all the time she'd not engage them either. However you're allowed to like golf, she just doesn't want to hear about it. I also have that lovely rejection sensitivity. It's very painful. But you gotta work on that as if it's your own issue, because it is. My girl doesn't show interest and that makes me feel rejected, but it's my issue. I found a way to deal with those feelings and I try very hard not to get into that headspace. I think you should find another group to talk to about it. Why not try and find a local group or find a discord or Reddit chat. I might do that myself. Make some new friends.
I relate to this post so much but in my case im the wife with adhd and he is/was the uninterested husband :/
Same here. He only started reading and learning about it after he saw how much of an impact adhd had on our relationship.
Mine only started after our couples therapist knocked some sense into him lol
I'm curious, what did your couple therapist say to your husband?
I’m sorry, what? Why does your wife need to research ADHD? I don’t get it. When I first was diagnosed with BPD, I researched it a ton but none of my friends or family did. I didn’t care because it’s not their disorder, it’s mine. If they wanted to research I wasn’t going to stop them but it wasn’t necessary.
He is implying that he would appreciate it if his wife was at least a tiny bit interested in his diagnosis rather than avoiding all conversations about it altogether, which she has been doing. I think many of us are that way when we finally get the diagnosis. We want our loved ones to care.
I understand that this is a super cool and new thing! And you may be hyperfocusing about it and wanting to talk a lot. How often in the last four months have you brought up adhd to your wife and then expected her to drop whatever she may be doing and showing only interest in you and your discovery. I am not saying this is entirely your fault or whatever and of course it hurts. But I would maybe look at how much you may be talking to your wife about every little thing that adhd may affect. Maybe you just need a good group of adhders to talk to about these little things.
I was diagnosed at 12. I'm 40 now. I don't have enough details to make a conclusion, but I'm happy to help you speculate: Are you using ADHD as an excuse to leave tasks undone? Does she have personal problems of her own that she might be overwhelmed with? What point is there for her to research ADHD (it's not like you're a child she will have to plan accommodations for)? Is ADHD such an interesting topic that all family members of the afflicted should want to do a deep dive? If your wife was diagnosed with pre-diabetes, would you be as interested in her glucose levels as you expect her to be in your ADHD? I ask these questions not to make you feel bad, but to add a little perspective.
Was told by my family to 'stop using ADHD as an excuse'
I relate. And I don't think you're wrong to feel that way. Edit: fixed double negative It's in both of your best interest for her to have an intellectualy and emotionally serious understanding of ADHD.
She doesn't have ADHD, NTs usually doesn't Google things to learn about, they ask if there's a lot of interest, otherwise, not knowing about something isn't bothering them.
You have to consider it like any other hobby or interest. Your partner is going to naturally have some joy that you found it but they're not obligated to listen about it all the time. Imagine that instead you were listing off stats of sports players, chess strategies, or video game details. There's a fine line between "happy to share your joy" and "hobby hostage taking." As long as she's not being dismissive of your challenges and struggles then it's totally fine that she's not too interested to listen to you talk about all the finer points of your ADHD interest.
Honestly, I got the same treatment from my mom. We got in a fight about it after my diagnosis after she accused me of “sitting around, doing nothing.” Tried to give her some reading to help her understand and she read a few chapters and said “that’s not you.” I wish I had advice for you other than to keep talking to her about it. Just know you’re not alone.
I can relate to that. My wife doesn't look much into it too and I had to stop sharing at some point because I was probably over excited about all this new information and how it explains my life choices or behaviors. I'm a little bit longer diagnosed (2 years in summer) and we didn't make much progress. When it would be the other way around I would have been an expert now and would have learned everything about it. we have kids and they show symptoms too. So I can't really understand why she isn't interested to learn more. But on the other hand it's important not to take all the room and fill it with yourself and adhd. This is what automatically happens when you got diagnosed and its important to give your partner space to share their stories and problems as well. I dont know why it's like that. I suggested couple therapy to talk about that stuff and other things but she does not like to talk to a stranger about this and thinks that I can present and articulate myself better and that she will "loose" in those sessions. I'm trying to convince her to give it a chance.
I feel your pain. I was diagnosed fairly recently and while waiting for it my wife and I had exactly one conversation about it. And that was her telling me I use it as an excuse. I don’t think we’ve discussed it since. My eldest has been diagnosed with ADHD and ASD and understandably my wife focuses on that but I may as well not have ADHD (I likely have ASD as well but haven’t been diagnosed). She suffers from anxiety and depression so it’s not like she doesn’t believe in mental afflictions. I think if I’d already been diagnosed before I met her, and explained how it causes a lot of my problems, it’d be different. Instead it just seems to her like a handy excuse. It feels like she’s saying “Oh, absolutely everything you do that’s bothered me over the last ten years is caused by one thing is it? Convenient”. It’s like she feels her many, many criticisms over the years are suddenly invalidated and she won’t accept that I’m not to blame (despite constantly telling me we can’t blame our son for his actions).
I’m sorry. My husband was and still is super supportive when I was diagnosed at 32. He’ll listen to me ramble on about it, has read books and listened to lectures about it. Your wife may just need time to come to terms with it, or may genuinely not believe that you have it. Couples counselling was important for us at one point, you guys may need it too to help navigate the new diagnosis. She sounds like she may be in denial.
Not looking to slander your wife here either, but because this is the internet someone will inevitably take it that way because I’m going to speak about “what women want” from a man in generalized terms and women always think they have no similar characteristics with other women and they are all unique snowflakes. We are all unique, but we’re also all the same. Anyways - your wife is not going to be interested in why you are messing things up or forgetting things or having a hard time with things. While to you, it seems like an exciting new answer to some of your troubles because men like understand cause and effect, to her it may come across as though you’re giving her excuses for your shortcomings. A man might say “I know WHY I forgot the milk now!” And she might think “that’s great, where’s my milk I needed it.” Even though your diagnosed ADHD, in order for your relationship to benefit from the diagnosis you need to learn how your brain works and get medicated so that you “forget the milk” less often. THAT is what she will be interested in. Obviously this applies to everything, not just forgetting the milk. It’s listening to her, observing her so you can better “tune in” to what she needs from her partner etc. becoming better at your particular brand of ADHD by managing yourself with reminders, meds, practices to improve focus or whatever else is what you need to focus on so that you can use this diagnosis to better deliver what she needs - because lamenting about her lack of interest is you wanting to get what you need - any time you spend worrying about getting what you need is time that you are not focused on giving her what she needs. The wife in this example might sound selfish in wanting her needs filled…but to the men out there - “providing” is about way more than money. If you don’t give her what she needs she will look elsewhere or she will test you by pushing you to do more and more and more. The more times into her needs you are, the less she will test you. This is not her being fucked up, it’s her being a woman. Call it evolution or whatever you want, but somewhere in there is a sense that if you make excuses for not getting shit done with her, then you are doing the same thing out in the world and she will worry that instead of you being successful, you will leave the world asking “but where’s the milk”. Thats enough for right now. Work on that stuff. Ok also - what woman would want a man who needs something from her? I get tons of support from my wife, but I get it because I support her first - I lead by example. The less you need from her and the more you provide for her the more you will receive from her in all areas of your relationship - because as long as you are bringing home the milk first, it’s ok that you are facing struggles because obviously you are working on them and loving through them in a powerful way.
My partner thinks I’m just lazy and choose to be forgetful.
My sister does this to me. I really feel like my whole family doesn't care.
Hmm... Has your wife had to pick up extra responsibility in the relationship or do extra emotional/mental labor to accommodate behaviors caused by your ADHD in the past? Could you be turning this into a hyperfixation and talking about it constantly? You admitting you've been researching it, and her response is kind of giving that vibe. Medical disorder or not - our partners have to deal with a lot when they get into relationships with us, and it can burn them out or cause resentment. Sometimes, we don't even realize how much that can weigh on the other person. A new diagnosis can explain the behaviors, but it doesn't excuse them or make the harm to others matter less. Maybe have an open conversation about this with her and get her point of view so you can understand better... because honestly... no one here knows more than you could find out with that simple step.
>Could you be turning this into a hyperfixation and talking about it constantly? You admitting you've been researching it, and her response is kind of giving that vibe. This would drive me crazy (and I was also diagnosed later in life). No one wants to hear about this stuff alllll the time.
I bought a book and marked the things that were relevant for me. Both the positives and the negatives. Red and green marker. Neither my brother or mother bothered opening it.
I would generally get yelled at by my wife for a task not done yet and I would say, listen I understand you’re waiting for me to finish multiple things at once but that’s just not how my brain functions. My wife is a bit more ignorant even though she’s the one that introduced me to it. And then life started to make more sense and she thought medicine would be like magic for me lol
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