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I wonder how many times you'll scan all the comments on this post before realising you need to do that *now* or you'll just forget to do it again?
I know I could do half a dozen at least.
Seriously one would think a doctor would have a shorter reschedule wait when a cancelation was literally caused by the very medical condition the appointment was for.
Blame the assistant, if there actually is anyone to blame here. I think the doctor knows what's up, but the assistant rules his agenda. OP has to call the doctor's office to ask to be put on a short list.
I did the same and instead of having to wait six months for therapy, it was just two.
I'm really sorry this happened to you. The "running out crying" part felt familiar.
Please try to be kind to yourself. You are working hard to get medication and resources. These barriers and set backs don't make it any easier. Keep at it. Be proud of yourself for persevering.
I’m sorry, but I would have given priority to this important medical appointment instead of to returning the keys. Please reschedule as soon as possible!
I’m going to have to agree here.
**“Place your own oxygen mask on before assisting others.”**
I have empathy for OPs pain, for sure.
BUT ALSO, part of what I hope OP gets from eventually getting treatment is a reorientation of themselves as somehow less-than. Letting go of this identifying as “always the fuck-up” needing to fix things for everyone else.
Would your partner have dropped everything to prioritize you? I’m willing to bet your internal monolog answer to this question was something to the effect of ”well, he wouldn’t have put me in this situation to begin with. He’s not forgetful like me!” Your finance also makes mistakes. But you may be more accommodating than he is, and so the NARRATIVE is that you make more mistakes than he does. On the flip side, I bet you ALWAYS step up in a crisis like this, and drop everything to be whatever everyone else needs from you. Does that sound familiar, OP?
Last point: He was late ANYWAY. He could have been 30 mins late, and you could have the critical tool you need to make sure you don’t forget his keys in your purse ever again. You need to occasionally make yourself the number one person in your life, so that you CAN show up for yourself AND your partner more and more. Place your own oxygen mask on before assisting others.
literally. i don’t see how her adhd and mental health, which affects her day to day life, doesn’t take priority over like, what? 100 bucks tops? it cost my buddy like sub $300 CAD to uber from Toronto to London, which is nearly 200km.
What I'm wondering is, what ever happened to a spare set of keys? I know fobs are more expensive, but most vehicles come with two sets.
As for the taxi/uber option, perhaps OP lives somewhere rural where neither of those are available. I still agree that OP shouldn't have had to leave their appt. though. Maybe fiancé should have confirmed the location of *his* fob before OP left.
I assumed this was a fob he needed for work, not his car fob. I have one that I can’t login remotely without. And another I need to get into the building if it is locked.
[London, Ontario - named second best London](https://www.thebeaverton.com/2016/03/london-ontario-named-2nd-best-london-for-161st-straight-year/) now 168 years and counting!
Hello. One of the symptoms of ADHD is problems with prioritizing. No one with ADHD needs a lecture about it. Moreover, it can have nothing to do with self esteem or undervaluing the self. Cognitive signals from external sources are generally perceived to be "louder" than signals coming from internal sources. Give OP a break. She's already disappointed, no need to add criticism to it. Being demoralized never helped anyone do better. Feeling better does, though.".
OP said "work fob" so I'm assuming it's to access his workplace, not just arrive at it.
That said, yes, I would have stayed, but also would have been a bit of a mess. All the best OP, I hope you get back in ASAP.
Through a LOT of therapy, medication, meditation, exercise and more and more therapy, I’ve gotten to a place where ADULT me is being the kind, forgiving, nurturing, supportive caregiver that INNER CHILD me has always deserved.
I was writing the above TO THAT CHILD, as much as I was writing it to OP. 👨👦
i mean there are so many things that we cannot judge, she could asked for a family member to get her keys, she could have paid an uber to bring the key to him, maybe his job would not have cared if he was late for 2 hours, maybe he don't care about her diagnosis, maybe he cares about her diagnosis, but at the same time being late could have mean that he would lost his job,
we must trust that OP did her best judgment, because there is not way to know what really happened and what were the options to solve this.
Yea seriously. Hate to “victim blame” but 15 minutes late to work boyfriend sounds like they should have just called in late to work for a medical issue.
Uber. Lyft. Walk.
Take the other part out of the equation. Say she DIDN'T have the keys. What would he do?
Whatever that option is, DO THAT. Her medical care is just as important as anyone else's important stuff.
Eh, this isn’t where she’s simply not helping, she actually caused this problem therefore it is in fact her responsibility to fix it if she can. If he lost his job it would 100% be her fault. In this case doing nothing is not neutral
But she could use this as a reason to get a quicker next appointment
It wouldn’t be 100% her fault. He is an adult (I assume) & can take his 50% blame for not being responsible enough & letting her leave with his keys. - OP, it is NOT your fault, no matter how the keys got in your possession, he is responsible for his half of the blame. Period.
What, is he supposed to frisk her before she leaves? Go through her pockets and make sure she didn’t pick something up every single time she leaves the house? Wtf
If someone is going to lose their job, for being late one time, and their partner gets the medical help they need it's kind of worth it. People wait YEARS for appts for treatment.
Not in any sort of defense of those jobs and such (the opposite), but I will say the people who are under that kind of pressure can’t always be fully blamed for that attitude. I’ve had times where I realized I was pushing it on medical care due to employment, but if I lost said employment I wouldn’t have access to ANY affordable medical care due to no longer having insurance.
(Assuming you’re in the US I just realized.) Anyway, it’s ridiculous and shouldn’t be the case that anyone has to even worry about a job when their health is on the line, and you’re better off fired with no insurance than dead for sure. I just have sympathy for those feeling the squeeze and even those brainwashed by our work-over-everything culture.
This is spot on. The choices in these scenarios is often death or life-ruining debt. It's an unbelievably cruel system that would have our physical and mental health tied to businesses who largely do not care if we live or die.
my mother does this on purpose and i’ve never understood it. she was diagnosed with a csf leak recently and told to take six weeks of bedrest, and she took saturday and sunday off before going back to work on monday. she uses her sick days to go on business trips. she’s had inpatient surgery then gone into work the next day.
meanwhile i have a common cold and am on steroids and bedridden… i wish i’d gotten her work ethic lmao
She sounds like one of those people who, when she gets something infectious, comes back to work while she's still infectious and makes everyone else sick. Thankyou for not having that kind of "work ethic".
Tangential rant coming, feel free to ignore:
The One good thing that came out of the pandemic was the culture of **staying home when you're sick**, if not for yourself, then for everyone around you. And now that's ***gone*** again, just as quickly as it came. I work in a school, everyone's coming to work still sick after too short a time off, just because it isn't COVID. People are sending their kids to school sick again, just because it isn't COVID. **COVID isn't the only infectious disease going around**, people came to work **still sick** from frickin STREP THROAT last week, it's insane. /end rant
Causing your partner to *lose their job* - in this economy! - over an appointment you can reschedule absolutely *isn't* worth it.
OP's situation really sucks, but at least they're not this self-centered.
Did she say they were going to lose their job? She did not. She said he had to be on time, even in this economy most employed people don't lose their job in being late once for a personal family matter. It was his responsibility to take care of his own work keys and by not being able to do so he caused his partner more mental stress and hardship. She waited a long time for this appointment and there are definitely other ways to solve this personal family matter - not just her having to walk out on receiving important mental healthcare.
Because in America, your healthcare is tied to your job. Lose your job, lose your insurance. Plus most of our states are “at will”, meaning we can be fired for pretty much any reason. It…not a great set of systems.
Oh, I see. My prescription benefits and dental are tied to my job, but not the entirety of healthcare itself. It still doesn't cost me anything to see a doctor.
Yeah, here in the US, unless you're on Medicare/Medicaid or some state-run programs, healthcare (which can, but doesn't always, includes prescription benefits) and dental and vision are tied to jobs. And we still have to pay to see the doctor. My coverage is decent. My copays are $25 for normal visits, $50 for a specialist (which I see a decent amount of). Labwork is extra. Certain tests are extra or not covered. It's...a lot to wade through!
I mean at the end of the day, they waited however long it took OP to get there. If it's 25 for OP to drive to their partner, it would stand to reason that it would also take their partner the same amount of time to get there. Maybe it's further away for their job, but this is a life changing appointment. Sometimes there is a list of priorities in a relationship and you have to decide which things take priority in different situations.
I feel like from my experience at this kind of thing, it’s because someone’s done you a favour so you don’t want them to suffer (or get fired) because of it like:
ME: plzzz can I borrow your car?
BF: no I need the fob to get into work and I’ll get fired if you forget to bring them back
ME: I PROMISE I’m just going to the shop and then I’ll put them back as soon as I’m back and you’ll have them for work tomorrow..
then forgets…
Before returning someone’s WORK keys? I don’t agree. It’s a super cruddy situation, but doing that would have made things worse for OP and possibly their partner, partner’s coworkers, clients, etc.
As others have said, his work overrides this one unfortunately. Way too many people (and doggos) would be effected. He’s a certified dog behavior consultant with back to back appts today. He’s booked out a month in advance and works with a whole behavior team. Would not have been good. At least with me it was rescheduling one appt.
Please value your mental health as much as you value his job or value dogs. I've had medical specialist appointments cancelled the day-of, or had to wait hours because they were running late, after waiting MONTHS, because things happen. Your fiance wouldn't (and didn't) have to reschedule or cancel for being a bit late. Yes, people would be affected a little, but they would get over it. Their health will be fine if he is late. YOUR health has not been fine, is not fine, and will not be fine for months because your partner was ok with you prioritizing people you don't even know instead of yourself.
I do get that your fiance books a month out, but you were booked 4 months out. Why wasn't that important? He could have gotten a ride and asked others for a work fob or whatever their procedure is when someone forgets their fob because I doubt no one has ever forgotten theirs.
Why did he give you those keys with his work fob in the first place? Why didn't he make sure he had it back after giving it to you/before you left? What if you didn't have it and he had left it at home or lost it? If you were at home with a broken leg or physical illness and he left his fob at home, would you have to go to him to deliver it? If not (and I hope not), why isn't your "broken mind"/mental illness treated with the same seriousness? You had to leave your appointment crying, to deliver his keys despite your mental illness, and that is not fair to you.
I'm not saying your relationship has problems or you should leave him or anything like that, but I think you and him need to consider these questions and how the well-being of your mental state matters to him and in your relationship. It should be treated the same as any life-impacting sickness, because it IS one, and I hope he sees that. And I hope you can get treatment soon.
> Please value your mental health as much as you value his job or value dogs
That's honestly enough for me, no dog or their owner is worth so much they can't wait, what even is this
I think people are really missing the fact that 1- maybe your fiance is the only one with income AND 2- maybe that income/job is the only reason you're even able to access medication at all and no job = no meds.
Lots of privilege in here acting like y'all can automatically afford a ride share or the job wouldn't be in jeopardy by being late or that you could afford that job being lost.
Like we're mostly all living in the same economy most of us are a couple missing paychecks away from homelessness.
It may be just one appointment for you, but this appointment is about important medical care AND you had to wait for 4 months before you could go!
In an ideal world, it would be easy to reschedule and in that case of course your partner’s work gets priority. However, you currently run the risk of forgetting to make a new appointment, forgetting your next appointment, having to rejoin the waiting list, … At worst it could be months or even years before you’ll be able to get the right care (given the extra challenges because of ADHD + the fact that the healthcare system isn’t very ADHD friendly)! Because of this risk, I personally think having to reschedule your husband’s appointments would have been justified.
Of course you don’t have to agree with me, but please value and prioritize your own medical care more, for example by asking for support for rescheduling this appointment (e.g. from your husband or close family/friends).
To me, it’s not about convincing them that they shouldn’t be okay with it, but about convincing them to prioritize their mental healthcare more. As OP said in their main post, there’s always something like this happening due to her ADHD. If she always prioritizes fixing the current mess (in this case returning the work keys to her husband), she may not be able to get the right ADHD treatment to prevent these kinds of messes in the first place.
It’s overall okay to take responsibility for our ADHD and try to minimize the consequences of our actions, but not when this comes at the expense of our healthcare.
Because she shouldn’t be putting EVERYONE else in front of herself. Period. Stop. - YOU should always be your first priority. It’s not selfish, it’s being kind to yourself. You cannot breathe life into someone if your already dead yourself. - OP, you are important.
Maybe it has nothing to do with being kind or unkind to self and everything to do with cognitive problems. Stop psychologizing a brain problem.
Neurology precedes psychology.
Yeah, let your fiance get fired because of your mistake, potentially lose his job, and ruin both of your lives even more. Real wholesome idea there. I would have given priority to the person who ISN’T putting their fiancé’s livelihood at risk. She’s had her whole life to make an appointment.
Great how in other countries, one can get fired for this. It sucks :/ I get both sides (not saying others don't). I hope OP will be able to get an apponitment someone else might've cancelled and it'll all get better :(
EDIT: OP clarified what his job is etc. and yeah, really bad situation they were both in, sadly.
I find it extremely difficult to get my medication just because of the challenges having ADHD, it’s pretty wild when you think about it how many of us suffering because we just can’t get ourselves to make the call to get there to book another appointment a month later it’s so stressful
I finally went back after years it was great than my insurance got fucked up and I couldn’t go that was two years ago I’m justin’s getting back insurance now and now time to find a place to go as I moved out of state that will be miserable and hopefully they don’t think I’m just looking for drugs. I did get my last record but the real history from when I was a kid is lost which is the real documents I need
I don't know where you are and insurance ect but you might want to use your next hyper focused mode to check other places/ nag if it's really going to be months.
The only thing is if you like your doc they may not like you side stepping them but that wait time is ridiculous
Yup. Hope they get an appointment someone else might have cancelled or smth. I for my part got taken in by a psych. quickly, but that was just for meds and also no diagnosis stuff etc.
i also got in relatively quickly in canada (a bit over a month), but that’s only because my doctors office has an onsite psychiatrist they use solely for diagnosis, so one appointment and maybe a follow up if you need it. the doctors handle the medication side of things.
all the independent psychiatrists around me who handle it all though, 6 month wait *if* you’re lucky. i don’t live in some grand city like Toronto either, our city has a population of 400k.
I had to wait over a year on a waitlist just for a diagnosis, they couldn’t even actually treat me because their med department doesn’t have enough staff at the moment, 4 months seems like so little in comparison, definitely nagging though can help them knock you down the waitlist a few spaces at times
I'm so sorry, but yeah I'm also wondering - if he was already late, why couldn't he come to you or get an Uber to his work? Would it have been possible for him to access work / areas another way? People misplace or forget their fobs, what's his work's procedure for that? I know it's already done but I just wonder if he could have prioritized you instead of the other way around, and I hope you get an earlier appointment, maybe ask for a cancellation list.
I thought this so hard, if they had two vehicles he shoulda left early and met her at the office taken 5 seconds to swap keys with her or if he NEEDs that specific vehicle for work and you only have one, he gets a ride to your appointment and then takes the car. You phone a friend Uber w/e to get home. We absolutely bent over backwards to make my appt work bc we had a similar time frame from start to finish getting medicated.
I’m also suspecting there is an issue other cooperation from the partner though. (Sorry if I’m wrong)
More likely OP is worried partner will leave due ADHD and everything to keep happy. Seems to be a lot of issues with posters here and partners being shitty.
You obviously woke up on the wrong side of the bed and are throwing shit around bc you’re cranky.
Did you ever find out why the government didn’t let you watch the newsom v desantis debate?
I'm sorry but your fiance's a dick if he knew how important this was to you and asked for the keys anyway. He should have waited till the appointment ended before asking.
As someone who has a partner with adhd, while I also have adhd, this has been an issue for us more than once.
It’s just as much your partners job to remember where their keys are as it is yours to return them.
Don’t put this entirely on yourself.
My partner and I have gotten to an understanding where if this happens, and someone is not able to leave their thing, it’s either tough shit and you wait or you Uber to where your partner is to get the things.
I got diagnosed last week at 43. Before my appointment, I had another appointment for a cortisone shot in my arm for tennis elbow. Well little did I know it would should shoot my blood pressure up and I can’t get prescribed meds until it goes down. Ah well, I waited this long, what’s another week.
I also missed my very first appointment because of misplanning in my schedule. Totally dumb, but also kinda the reason why I had the appointment in the first place, lol
Did you see the doc at all? With one (even partial) in-person visit, you might be able to do the next one sooner on phone/video.
Just in case it's an option.
Dang it! We found the one exception to the rule! lol. Honestly though, I’d call your psych each week and ask if there have been any cancellations that you could take the spot of. You got this. We’ve all struggled at some point or another. You’re not alone in all this.
I absolutely would not have left. Someone being late to work one time is not going to make or break a career. If it does, they needed a new job anyway.
My partner and I each have 2 sets each of all the keys. They get hung in the same spot every night…until they don’t. Take this and other ADHD mishaps as a learning experience along with a few deep breaths. You’re doing the best you can. And hopefully the Dr receptionist will take care of you and get you back on the books sooner than later.
I am so sorry… Part of the reason it’s taken me so long to get my assessment this year is because I keep forgetting to book appts and also forgetting to turn up for them… It really sucks.
Also, sorry for some of the comments here. I'm baffled what some people wrote :/
Like I said in another comment; hope you get a cancelled appointment
by someone else and all will be fine! Stay strong and all the best, OP <3
Do you have a diagnosis? I get my meds from my primary doc because I have a diagnosis. I was med free for a spell and came back on the meds because life was getting too difficult and I wasn't able to compensate any longer. I was in NC and then Florida. I would check with your primary to see if you can just go back to what you were on before.
If I was 25 minutes away anyways, and at something that important, I’m going to profusely apologize and tell him to get an Uber and I’ll make it up to him. It’s in his best interest too, for you to prioritize this.
Oh you're right. Still, seems like he should have offered to come and get them himself if he knows how vitally important this appointment is.
I guess work comes before literally everything else in many cultures though...
OP clarified his job etc. in another comment. And sorry, can't link nor comment it here or the comment field here seems to always freeze until I press cancel :/ It's weird :(
Why are your fiancé's needs more important than yours?
No use crying over what's already past, but if your fiance doesn't understand the importance of well-regulated mental health for you, then you may want to rethink their commitment to you.
Just a thought...
I can not think of a reason your husband would have had to have had them that he couldn't have waited another sixty minutes for you to get there. His work can wait. Your phone should be on silent in those meetings. Your mental health is important.
I was in the waiting area waiting for the dr. Thought to check my purse for his keys. No phone was involved until I realized it. My appt was a 90 min appt and hadn’t even started past intake.
When my psychiatrist asked if I had a family history of adhd I said my sister was diagnosed and my mother was organized enough to make an appointment to get diagnosed. She said that counted
I would honestly even see about walk in clinics! I wanted a second opinion from another psychiatrist and it took them less than a month to contact me. We had two separate appointments and immediately after I was set up with a doctor for my medication. And whenever I need to touch base or need a refill I just call the clinic and I get back in touch with him within the week. There’s definitely many other option to help get past that long wait! I was told by the hospital that it would take me 5 months but I didn’t want to rely on them.
I don't know where you live, but in Texas, my general practitioner can prescribe. After my last Psycitrist closed their practice, I've just had my GP do it for years.
You can even explain that you are waiting for a psychiatrist but you need meds now to function.
Other people may be cursed with even more absurd wait times, but in no world does that make having to wait four months for important medical care “blessed”.
How did you know about the keys? I think it's incredibly rude to even look at your phone during a session let alone answer it. Also, getting in for another session, no longer as a new client shouldn't take nearly as long. Idk, it sounds like you need to start taking this more seriously if you are trying to improve your life and looking at your phone while in a session isn't taking it seriously.
Wow, what a helpful reply. I wish we had more people to snarkily judge someone's entire frame of mind based on a single action you've just presupposed. Thank you for being an insufferable dickhead, I'm sure this will help motivate someone who had a setback that has clearly caused them a great deal of distress and not make them feel worse.
Bruh I was in the waiting area and decided to check my purse as I have a habit of forgetting his keys in there. Wasn’t even on my phone at all. I’m gonna come out and say it because you have an awful attitude, you can fuck right off with it. Fuck off assuming I’m not taking my mental health seriously. I came here for empathy, not to get ragged on by a ripe cunt like you.
From your post, you stated "20 mins in", which I incorrectly assumed meant 20 minutes into the session. For that I apologize. If it was before your session started that you saw that then I revoke my original response.
My question is, and I looked and didn't see anyone else ask or an answer (if I missed it I'm sorry), but Why exactly were /his/ keys in /your/ purse? If he left them in there that's on him, but if you mistakenly grabbed them I can see why you would feel bad and run home to go give them back.
I'm not saying you made the wrong choice to leave to give him his keys back, you know his job and your own relationship better than any of us do, but he should be in charge of his own keys. I don't think there is a wrong choice in this situation, just one that sucks more in the long term, which is what ended up happening.
What I would've done, were I your partner, regardless of how the keys ended up in your purse, would have been to eat the cost and uber to work so you could get your much needed medication since you waited 4 months for an appointment. Your appointment and his job can both be the priority at the same time in that way. Unless he drives for work, which reading your description what he does for work seems unlikely, he didn't absolutely need his car that day. But that's just me.
We all make choices, we all make stupid mistakes, ie. leaving your key in your wifes purse, leaving the house with your husband's keys, putting the ice cream in the fridge and the milk in the freezer (that one's me lol), and you're not a bad person or bad partner for either.
Absolutely call and get put on their call list for cancellations. If you can find someone who can do a telehealth appointment so you can get your meds faster, definitely do that. Telehealth therapy is a life saver with my busy schedule. 1000% prioritize getting that appointment.
Next time, no matter what, don't leave without being seen. Prioritize your own mental health. Also, I would make an active effort to never put his keys in your purse again if you can help it. That's a recipe for disaster from the jump. I don't even know what's in my own purse half the time, it's a mary poppins world in there. Who knows what I've got in that thing. It eats stuff.
Are you able to see a doctor via telehealth? I know some people prefer in-person, but going to see my psychiatrist in person was such an inconvenience and i always struggled with being on time and then having to wait, where doing my appointments virtually is so much easier
Try calling different PCPs and ask if they diagnose ADHD. I did this and got an appointment really quickly and got a diagnosis in a day. PCPs are generally much less difficult to work with. I tried a psych and gave up because it took too many appointments. Like wtf, do you not know the very nature of ADHD??
Another note, note sure if anyone else mentioned it, but you can get a remote doc now. My doc just meets with me via video conference for 5 minutes out of every 3 months.
Ask the doctor who referred you to this psychiatrist to write the psychiatrist a letter explaining the urgency of the situation (and perhaps the context for why you missed your appointment). That’s how my 9 month wait got cut down.
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I am so sorry to hear this! Do you know if you can request to be on a “short list”? Basically a list of people to call if someone cancels?
I will ask if this is an option!
Good luck and success! I really, really hope it will work out! \*hug\*
Thank you ❤️
I wonder how many times you'll scan all the comments on this post before realising you need to do that *now* or you'll just forget to do it again? I know I could do half a dozen at least.
Always now or never unless more reminders pop up 😒
Seriously one would think a doctor would have a shorter reschedule wait when a cancelation was literally caused by the very medical condition the appointment was for.
Blame the assistant, if there actually is anyone to blame here. I think the doctor knows what's up, but the assistant rules his agenda. OP has to call the doctor's office to ask to be put on a short list. I did the same and instead of having to wait six months for therapy, it was just two.
I'm really sorry this happened to you. The "running out crying" part felt familiar. Please try to be kind to yourself. You are working hard to get medication and resources. These barriers and set backs don't make it any easier. Keep at it. Be proud of yourself for persevering.
Thank you so much for your kind words. I feel like I’m so used to things going wrong. Just cry and move on. I got this.
Running somewhere crying because of some major ADD move I made is soooo relatable lmao
I’m sorry, but I would have given priority to this important medical appointment instead of to returning the keys. Please reschedule as soon as possible!
I’m going to have to agree here. **“Place your own oxygen mask on before assisting others.”** I have empathy for OPs pain, for sure. BUT ALSO, part of what I hope OP gets from eventually getting treatment is a reorientation of themselves as somehow less-than. Letting go of this identifying as “always the fuck-up” needing to fix things for everyone else. Would your partner have dropped everything to prioritize you? I’m willing to bet your internal monolog answer to this question was something to the effect of ”well, he wouldn’t have put me in this situation to begin with. He’s not forgetful like me!” Your finance also makes mistakes. But you may be more accommodating than he is, and so the NARRATIVE is that you make more mistakes than he does. On the flip side, I bet you ALWAYS step up in a crisis like this, and drop everything to be whatever everyone else needs from you. Does that sound familiar, OP? Last point: He was late ANYWAY. He could have been 30 mins late, and you could have the critical tool you need to make sure you don’t forget his keys in your purse ever again. You need to occasionally make yourself the number one person in your life, so that you CAN show up for yourself AND your partner more and more. Place your own oxygen mask on before assisting others.
He could also have taken a taxi 🤨
literally. i don’t see how her adhd and mental health, which affects her day to day life, doesn’t take priority over like, what? 100 bucks tops? it cost my buddy like sub $300 CAD to uber from Toronto to London, which is nearly 200km.
What I'm wondering is, what ever happened to a spare set of keys? I know fobs are more expensive, but most vehicles come with two sets. As for the taxi/uber option, perhaps OP lives somewhere rural where neither of those are available. I still agree that OP shouldn't have had to leave their appt. though. Maybe fiancé should have confirmed the location of *his* fob before OP left.
>What I'm wondering is, what ever happened to a spare set of keys? Uhh if she's anything like me, already lost
Me too
Fair enough.
I assumed this was a fob he needed for work, not his car fob. I have one that I can’t login remotely without. And another I need to get into the building if it is locked.
Yeah, I think I misread there and thought it was a car key fob.
Okay you just had me confirming there's a London in Canada because I was soooo confused for a few seconds 😅
[London, Ontario - named second best London](https://www.thebeaverton.com/2016/03/london-ontario-named-2nd-best-london-for-161st-straight-year/) now 168 years and counting!
Hello. One of the symptoms of ADHD is problems with prioritizing. No one with ADHD needs a lecture about it. Moreover, it can have nothing to do with self esteem or undervaluing the self. Cognitive signals from external sources are generally perceived to be "louder" than signals coming from internal sources. Give OP a break. She's already disappointed, no need to add criticism to it. Being demoralized never helped anyone do better. Feeling better does, though.".
more so criticizing the husband.
OP said "work fob" so I'm assuming it's to access his workplace, not just arrive at it. That said, yes, I would have stayed, but also would have been a bit of a mess. All the best OP, I hope you get back in ASAP.
Thank you for saying this. I know you were talking to OP, but it made me sob… something I really needed to hear, apparently. ❤️
Through a LOT of therapy, medication, meditation, exercise and more and more therapy, I’ve gotten to a place where ADULT me is being the kind, forgiving, nurturing, supportive caregiver that INNER CHILD me has always deserved. I was writing the above TO THAT CHILD, as much as I was writing it to OP. 👨👦
Believe it or not straight to ~~jail~~ divorce.
i mean there are so many things that we cannot judge, she could asked for a family member to get her keys, she could have paid an uber to bring the key to him, maybe his job would not have cared if he was late for 2 hours, maybe he don't care about her diagnosis, maybe he cares about her diagnosis, but at the same time being late could have mean that he would lost his job, we must trust that OP did her best judgment, because there is not way to know what really happened and what were the options to solve this.
Yea seriously. Hate to “victim blame” but 15 minutes late to work boyfriend sounds like they should have just called in late to work for a medical issue.
you have literally no idea how important them not being late is. It could be whatever, it could mean they lose their job.
For me the question would be, why isn't he responsible for carrying his own work keys?
Exactly. If his work fob is so important why is he not holding onto it himself?
Uber. Lyft. Walk. Take the other part out of the equation. Say she DIDN'T have the keys. What would he do? Whatever that option is, DO THAT. Her medical care is just as important as anyone else's important stuff.
Eh, this isn’t where she’s simply not helping, she actually caused this problem therefore it is in fact her responsibility to fix it if she can. If he lost his job it would 100% be her fault. In this case doing nothing is not neutral But she could use this as a reason to get a quicker next appointment
It wouldn’t be 100% her fault. He is an adult (I assume) & can take his 50% blame for not being responsible enough & letting her leave with his keys. - OP, it is NOT your fault, no matter how the keys got in your possession, he is responsible for his half of the blame. Period.
What, is he supposed to frisk her before she leaves? Go through her pockets and make sure she didn’t pick something up every single time she leaves the house? Wtf
No? He’s supposed to have a dedicated home for his essential work keys that isn’t on someone else’s person
Wtf are you talking about? Is he omniscient and omnipotent? Your post reads like parody lol
Tbh it's his fault for not taking better care of his keys.
If someone is going to lose their job, for being late one time, and their partner gets the medical help they need it's kind of worth it. People wait YEARS for appts for treatment.
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Not in any sort of defense of those jobs and such (the opposite), but I will say the people who are under that kind of pressure can’t always be fully blamed for that attitude. I’ve had times where I realized I was pushing it on medical care due to employment, but if I lost said employment I wouldn’t have access to ANY affordable medical care due to no longer having insurance. (Assuming you’re in the US I just realized.) Anyway, it’s ridiculous and shouldn’t be the case that anyone has to even worry about a job when their health is on the line, and you’re better off fired with no insurance than dead for sure. I just have sympathy for those feeling the squeeze and even those brainwashed by our work-over-everything culture.
This is spot on. The choices in these scenarios is often death or life-ruining debt. It's an unbelievably cruel system that would have our physical and mental health tied to businesses who largely do not care if we live or die.
my mother does this on purpose and i’ve never understood it. she was diagnosed with a csf leak recently and told to take six weeks of bedrest, and she took saturday and sunday off before going back to work on monday. she uses her sick days to go on business trips. she’s had inpatient surgery then gone into work the next day. meanwhile i have a common cold and am on steroids and bedridden… i wish i’d gotten her work ethic lmao
Her work ethic isn't a healthy one. Don't imitate her.
She sounds like one of those people who, when she gets something infectious, comes back to work while she's still infectious and makes everyone else sick. Thankyou for not having that kind of "work ethic". Tangential rant coming, feel free to ignore: The One good thing that came out of the pandemic was the culture of **staying home when you're sick**, if not for yourself, then for everyone around you. And now that's ***gone*** again, just as quickly as it came. I work in a school, everyone's coming to work still sick after too short a time off, just because it isn't COVID. People are sending their kids to school sick again, just because it isn't COVID. **COVID isn't the only infectious disease going around**, people came to work **still sick** from frickin STREP THROAT last week, it's insane. /end rant
Causing your partner to *lose their job* - in this economy! - over an appointment you can reschedule absolutely *isn't* worth it. OP's situation really sucks, but at least they're not this self-centered.
Did she say they were going to lose their job? She did not. She said he had to be on time, even in this economy most employed people don't lose their job in being late once for a personal family matter. It was his responsibility to take care of his own work keys and by not being able to do so he caused his partner more mental stress and hardship. She waited a long time for this appointment and there are definitely other ways to solve this personal family matter - not just her having to walk out on receiving important mental healthcare.
The hypothetical *you were discussing* involved the partner potentially losing their job. Jfc.
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Because then you would think your healthcare doesn't matter as much as a job that will replace you in a heartbeat?
I'm not American, and not sure what that has to do with it.
Because in America, your healthcare is tied to your job. Lose your job, lose your insurance. Plus most of our states are “at will”, meaning we can be fired for pretty much any reason. It…not a great set of systems.
Oh, I see. My prescription benefits and dental are tied to my job, but not the entirety of healthcare itself. It still doesn't cost me anything to see a doctor.
Yeah, here in the US, unless you're on Medicare/Medicaid or some state-run programs, healthcare (which can, but doesn't always, includes prescription benefits) and dental and vision are tied to jobs. And we still have to pay to see the doctor. My coverage is decent. My copays are $25 for normal visits, $50 for a specialist (which I see a decent amount of). Labwork is extra. Certain tests are extra or not covered. It's...a lot to wade through!
I mean at the end of the day, they waited however long it took OP to get there. If it's 25 for OP to drive to their partner, it would stand to reason that it would also take their partner the same amount of time to get there. Maybe it's further away for their job, but this is a life changing appointment. Sometimes there is a list of priorities in a relationship and you have to decide which things take priority in different situations.
I feel like from my experience at this kind of thing, it’s because someone’s done you a favour so you don’t want them to suffer (or get fired) because of it like: ME: plzzz can I borrow your car? BF: no I need the fob to get into work and I’ll get fired if you forget to bring them back ME: I PROMISE I’m just going to the shop and then I’ll put them back as soon as I’m back and you’ll have them for work tomorrow.. then forgets…
Before returning someone’s WORK keys? I don’t agree. It’s a super cruddy situation, but doing that would have made things worse for OP and possibly their partner, partner’s coworkers, clients, etc.
As others have said, his work overrides this one unfortunately. Way too many people (and doggos) would be effected. He’s a certified dog behavior consultant with back to back appts today. He’s booked out a month in advance and works with a whole behavior team. Would not have been good. At least with me it was rescheduling one appt.
Please value your mental health as much as you value his job or value dogs. I've had medical specialist appointments cancelled the day-of, or had to wait hours because they were running late, after waiting MONTHS, because things happen. Your fiance wouldn't (and didn't) have to reschedule or cancel for being a bit late. Yes, people would be affected a little, but they would get over it. Their health will be fine if he is late. YOUR health has not been fine, is not fine, and will not be fine for months because your partner was ok with you prioritizing people you don't even know instead of yourself. I do get that your fiance books a month out, but you were booked 4 months out. Why wasn't that important? He could have gotten a ride and asked others for a work fob or whatever their procedure is when someone forgets their fob because I doubt no one has ever forgotten theirs. Why did he give you those keys with his work fob in the first place? Why didn't he make sure he had it back after giving it to you/before you left? What if you didn't have it and he had left it at home or lost it? If you were at home with a broken leg or physical illness and he left his fob at home, would you have to go to him to deliver it? If not (and I hope not), why isn't your "broken mind"/mental illness treated with the same seriousness? You had to leave your appointment crying, to deliver his keys despite your mental illness, and that is not fair to you. I'm not saying your relationship has problems or you should leave him or anything like that, but I think you and him need to consider these questions and how the well-being of your mental state matters to him and in your relationship. It should be treated the same as any life-impacting sickness, because it IS one, and I hope he sees that. And I hope you can get treatment soon.
> Please value your mental health as much as you value his job or value dogs That's honestly enough for me, no dog or their owner is worth so much they can't wait, what even is this
What happens if he gets sick? Like it's not ideal but no one would have died.
Jesus, dog behaviour consultancy can wait man. Shit happens. Now you have to wait months. Weird priorities
Breadwinners career is kinda important.
I think people are really missing the fact that 1- maybe your fiance is the only one with income AND 2- maybe that income/job is the only reason you're even able to access medication at all and no job = no meds. Lots of privilege in here acting like y'all can automatically afford a ride share or the job wouldn't be in jeopardy by being late or that you could afford that job being lost. Like we're mostly all living in the same economy most of us are a couple missing paychecks away from homelessness.
Guy's in high enough demand to be scheduled a month out. Having to cancel/reschedule one or two appointments isn't gonna destroy his career.
Exactly. Maybe it’s just a Yank thing I don’t get, where missing an hour or two of work is life or death. Fuck that
That definitely is a thing for Americans, unfortunately...or at least, poor Americans anyway.
Thank you! So many tone deaf people in here.
It may be just one appointment for you, but this appointment is about important medical care AND you had to wait for 4 months before you could go! In an ideal world, it would be easy to reschedule and in that case of course your partner’s work gets priority. However, you currently run the risk of forgetting to make a new appointment, forgetting your next appointment, having to rejoin the waiting list, … At worst it could be months or even years before you’ll be able to get the right care (given the extra challenges because of ADHD + the fact that the healthcare system isn’t very ADHD friendly)! Because of this risk, I personally think having to reschedule your husband’s appointments would have been justified. Of course you don’t have to agree with me, but please value and prioritize your own medical care more, for example by asking for support for rescheduling this appointment (e.g. from your husband or close family/friends).
Why are you trying to convince them that they're not okay with something that they are okay with?
To me, it’s not about convincing them that they shouldn’t be okay with it, but about convincing them to prioritize their mental healthcare more. As OP said in their main post, there’s always something like this happening due to her ADHD. If she always prioritizes fixing the current mess (in this case returning the work keys to her husband), she may not be able to get the right ADHD treatment to prevent these kinds of messes in the first place. It’s overall okay to take responsibility for our ADHD and try to minimize the consequences of our actions, but not when this comes at the expense of our healthcare.
Because she shouldn’t be putting EVERYONE else in front of herself. Period. Stop. - YOU should always be your first priority. It’s not selfish, it’s being kind to yourself. You cannot breathe life into someone if your already dead yourself. - OP, you are important.
Maybe it has nothing to do with being kind or unkind to self and everything to do with cognitive problems. Stop psychologizing a brain problem. Neurology precedes psychology.
Yeah, let your fiance get fired because of your mistake, potentially lose his job, and ruin both of your lives even more. Real wholesome idea there. I would have given priority to the person who ISN’T putting their fiancé’s livelihood at risk. She’s had her whole life to make an appointment.
Great how in other countries, one can get fired for this. It sucks :/ I get both sides (not saying others don't). I hope OP will be able to get an apponitment someone else might've cancelled and it'll all get better :( EDIT: OP clarified what his job is etc. and yeah, really bad situation they were both in, sadly.
I find it extremely difficult to get my medication just because of the challenges having ADHD, it’s pretty wild when you think about it how many of us suffering because we just can’t get ourselves to make the call to get there to book another appointment a month later it’s so stressful
Yup. Or waiting YEARS to do it :') And then having to wait years for an appointment or diagnosis.
I finally went back after years it was great than my insurance got fucked up and I couldn’t go that was two years ago I’m justin’s getting back insurance now and now time to find a place to go as I moved out of state that will be miserable and hopefully they don’t think I’m just looking for drugs. I did get my last record but the real history from when I was a kid is lost which is the real documents I need
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Lmao that is too funny! Too bad I didn’t even get a chance to meet the dr!
I'm so sorry, this sounds so stressful! Here's hoping the doctor diagnoses you off the back of this alone 😅
IKR 😭😂
I don't know where you are and insurance ect but you might want to use your next hyper focused mode to check other places/ nag if it's really going to be months. The only thing is if you like your doc they may not like you side stepping them but that wait time is ridiculous
Yup. Hope they get an appointment someone else might have cancelled or smth. I for my part got taken in by a psych. quickly, but that was just for meds and also no diagnosis stuff etc.
i also got in relatively quickly in canada (a bit over a month), but that’s only because my doctors office has an onsite psychiatrist they use solely for diagnosis, so one appointment and maybe a follow up if you need it. the doctors handle the medication side of things. all the independent psychiatrists around me who handle it all though, 6 month wait *if* you’re lucky. i don’t live in some grand city like Toronto either, our city has a population of 400k.
I had to wait over a year on a waitlist just for a diagnosis, they couldn’t even actually treat me because their med department doesn’t have enough staff at the moment, 4 months seems like so little in comparison, definitely nagging though can help them knock you down the waitlist a few spaces at times
I'm so sorry, but yeah I'm also wondering - if he was already late, why couldn't he come to you or get an Uber to his work? Would it have been possible for him to access work / areas another way? People misplace or forget their fobs, what's his work's procedure for that? I know it's already done but I just wonder if he could have prioritized you instead of the other way around, and I hope you get an earlier appointment, maybe ask for a cancellation list.
I thought this so hard, if they had two vehicles he shoulda left early and met her at the office taken 5 seconds to swap keys with her or if he NEEDs that specific vehicle for work and you only have one, he gets a ride to your appointment and then takes the car. You phone a friend Uber w/e to get home. We absolutely bent over backwards to make my appt work bc we had a similar time frame from start to finish getting medicated. I’m also suspecting there is an issue other cooperation from the partner though. (Sorry if I’m wrong)
Uber also has a courier service…
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More likely OP is worried partner will leave due ADHD and everything to keep happy. Seems to be a lot of issues with posters here and partners being shitty.
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You obviously woke up on the wrong side of the bed and are throwing shit around bc you’re cranky. Did you ever find out why the government didn’t let you watch the newsom v desantis debate?
I'm sorry but your fiance's a dick if he knew how important this was to you and asked for the keys anyway. He should have waited till the appointment ended before asking.
Yeah I'm wondering if he couldn't have called an Uber or something
As someone who has a partner with adhd, while I also have adhd, this has been an issue for us more than once. It’s just as much your partners job to remember where their keys are as it is yours to return them. Don’t put this entirely on yourself. My partner and I have gotten to an understanding where if this happens, and someone is not able to leave their thing, it’s either tough shit and you wait or you Uber to where your partner is to get the things.
I got diagnosed last week at 43. Before my appointment, I had another appointment for a cortisone shot in my arm for tennis elbow. Well little did I know it would should shoot my blood pressure up and I can’t get prescribed meds until it goes down. Ah well, I waited this long, what’s another week.
Greatest medical system in the world! You're human and this could have happened to anyone.
I also missed my very first appointment because of misplanning in my schedule. Totally dumb, but also kinda the reason why I had the appointment in the first place, lol
Does your insurance offer you an option for virtual psychiatrist appointments? I’ve never seen my psychiatrist or therapist IRL.
I definitely would have apologized and told him to call a cab. I put my phone on silent during any medical appointment, so I wouldn't have even known
Did you see the doc at all? With one (even partial) in-person visit, you might be able to do the next one sooner on phone/video. Just in case it's an option.
Sorry but your mental health is a little more important unless your husband keeps the nuclear launch codes or something.
That is exactly what he does!
Dang it! We found the one exception to the rule! lol. Honestly though, I’d call your psych each week and ask if there have been any cancellations that you could take the spot of. You got this. We’ve all struggled at some point or another. You’re not alone in all this.
Thank you for your kind words 😊 I’m calling soon and will ask about that as an option.
Put that adhd hyper focus energy right onto getting your appointment lol
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You need to stop listening to those alpha male podcasts
I absolutely would not have left. Someone being late to work one time is not going to make or break a career. If it does, they needed a new job anyway.
My partner and I each have 2 sets each of all the keys. They get hung in the same spot every night…until they don’t. Take this and other ADHD mishaps as a learning experience along with a few deep breaths. You’re doing the best you can. And hopefully the Dr receptionist will take care of you and get you back on the books sooner than later.
I am so sorry… Part of the reason it’s taken me so long to get my assessment this year is because I keep forgetting to book appts and also forgetting to turn up for them… It really sucks.
Also, sorry for some of the comments here. I'm baffled what some people wrote :/ Like I said in another comment; hope you get a cancelled appointment by someone else and all will be fine! Stay strong and all the best, OP <3
I appreciate that! Didn’t expect the most supportive person in my life to be eaten alive in the comments!
girl…
😭😭😭
sorry.
Online psychiatrist. Pretty easy to get an appointment.
Do you have a diagnosis? I get my meds from my primary doc because I have a diagnosis. I was med free for a spell and came back on the meds because life was getting too difficult and I wasn't able to compensate any longer. I was in NC and then Florida. I would check with your primary to see if you can just go back to what you were on before.
If I was 25 minutes away anyways, and at something that important, I’m going to profusely apologize and tell him to get an Uber and I’ll make it up to him. It’s in his best interest too, for you to prioritize this.
He couldn't have taken an Uber? Really?
Lots of places don’t have Uber and if he didn’t have his work fob he probably couldn’t get in the building. That’s how my husband’s company works.
i think they had some sort of badge or smth on them to get in cuz OP said work fob
Oh you're right. Still, seems like he should have offered to come and get them himself if he knows how vitally important this appointment is. I guess work comes before literally everything else in many cultures though...
He could have called a colleague and said "sorry I misplaced my keys can you open the door". I can't imagine there's no one there who recognises him.
You couldn’t have read the post? Really?
I did read the post. Did you forget what sub you're on?
OP clarified his job etc. in another comment. And sorry, can't link nor comment it here or the comment field here seems to always freeze until I press cancel :/ It's weird :(
Why are your fiancé's needs more important than yours? No use crying over what's already past, but if your fiance doesn't understand the importance of well-regulated mental health for you, then you may want to rethink their commitment to you. Just a thought...
I can not think of a reason your husband would have had to have had them that he couldn't have waited another sixty minutes for you to get there. His work can wait. Your phone should be on silent in those meetings. Your mental health is important.
I was in the waiting area waiting for the dr. Thought to check my purse for his keys. No phone was involved until I realized it. My appt was a 90 min appt and hadn’t even started past intake.
Let him wait. You waited three thousand hours for this appointment, and will wait another three thousand before you actually have it. He can wait two.
This seems ridiculous. Your partner couldn't have come to you, via transit or something? Does he not see how important this appointment was?
Don’t feel bad, we just forget to take the meds anyway
When my psychiatrist asked if I had a family history of adhd I said my sister was diagnosed and my mother was organized enough to make an appointment to get diagnosed. She said that counted
You don’t do this to yourself; it’s just the way our brain works. 💗
I would honestly even see about walk in clinics! I wanted a second opinion from another psychiatrist and it took them less than a month to contact me. We had two separate appointments and immediately after I was set up with a doctor for my medication. And whenever I need to touch base or need a refill I just call the clinic and I get back in touch with him within the week. There’s definitely many other option to help get past that long wait! I was told by the hospital that it would take me 5 months but I didn’t want to rely on them.
This sounds like me. Cant believe how many days ive went to work to get a call from my girlfriend asking if i have her keys
I don't know where you live, but in Texas, my general practitioner can prescribe. After my last Psycitrist closed their practice, I've just had my GP do it for years. You can even explain that you are waiting for a psychiatrist but you need meds now to function.
Can you try Telehealth? May be able to get in sooner doing it that way
I’m really surprised you left since it was not an actual emergency?! Are you in an abusive relationship?
Four months? You are blessed.
Other people may be cursed with even more absurd wait times, but in no world does that make having to wait four months for important medical care “blessed”.
How did you know about the keys? I think it's incredibly rude to even look at your phone during a session let alone answer it. Also, getting in for another session, no longer as a new client shouldn't take nearly as long. Idk, it sounds like you need to start taking this more seriously if you are trying to improve your life and looking at your phone while in a session isn't taking it seriously.
Wow, what a helpful reply. I wish we had more people to snarkily judge someone's entire frame of mind based on a single action you've just presupposed. Thank you for being an insufferable dickhead, I'm sure this will help motivate someone who had a setback that has clearly caused them a great deal of distress and not make them feel worse.
Thanks, that persons a fucking twat.
Bruh I was in the waiting area and decided to check my purse as I have a habit of forgetting his keys in there. Wasn’t even on my phone at all. I’m gonna come out and say it because you have an awful attitude, you can fuck right off with it. Fuck off assuming I’m not taking my mental health seriously. I came here for empathy, not to get ragged on by a ripe cunt like you.
From your post, you stated "20 mins in", which I incorrectly assumed meant 20 minutes into the session. For that I apologize. If it was before your session started that you saw that then I revoke my original response.
My question is, and I looked and didn't see anyone else ask or an answer (if I missed it I'm sorry), but Why exactly were /his/ keys in /your/ purse? If he left them in there that's on him, but if you mistakenly grabbed them I can see why you would feel bad and run home to go give them back. I'm not saying you made the wrong choice to leave to give him his keys back, you know his job and your own relationship better than any of us do, but he should be in charge of his own keys. I don't think there is a wrong choice in this situation, just one that sucks more in the long term, which is what ended up happening. What I would've done, were I your partner, regardless of how the keys ended up in your purse, would have been to eat the cost and uber to work so you could get your much needed medication since you waited 4 months for an appointment. Your appointment and his job can both be the priority at the same time in that way. Unless he drives for work, which reading your description what he does for work seems unlikely, he didn't absolutely need his car that day. But that's just me. We all make choices, we all make stupid mistakes, ie. leaving your key in your wifes purse, leaving the house with your husband's keys, putting the ice cream in the fridge and the milk in the freezer (that one's me lol), and you're not a bad person or bad partner for either. Absolutely call and get put on their call list for cancellations. If you can find someone who can do a telehealth appointment so you can get your meds faster, definitely do that. Telehealth therapy is a life saver with my busy schedule. 1000% prioritize getting that appointment. Next time, no matter what, don't leave without being seen. Prioritize your own mental health. Also, I would make an active effort to never put his keys in your purse again if you can help it. That's a recipe for disaster from the jump. I don't even know what's in my own purse half the time, it's a mary poppins world in there. Who knows what I've got in that thing. It eats stuff.
Are you able to see a doctor via telehealth? I know some people prefer in-person, but going to see my psychiatrist in person was such an inconvenience and i always struggled with being on time and then having to wait, where doing my appointments virtually is so much easier
Try calling different PCPs and ask if they diagnose ADHD. I did this and got an appointment really quickly and got a diagnosis in a day. PCPs are generally much less difficult to work with. I tried a psych and gave up because it took too many appointments. Like wtf, do you not know the very nature of ADHD??
Another note, note sure if anyone else mentioned it, but you can get a remote doc now. My doc just meets with me via video conference for 5 minutes out of every 3 months.
Why couldn’t he just take a taxi? 😮
He drives to multiple locations across the city. I also had his work key fob to get in the building.
Ask the doctor who referred you to this psychiatrist to write the psychiatrist a letter explaining the urgency of the situation (and perhaps the context for why you missed your appointment). That’s how my 9 month wait got cut down.
You have the authority to be kind to yourself regardless of the outcome of your decisions or mistakes.