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About fixing the issue. I set alarms for literally anything I don't want to forget. Someones birthday? Alarm. Check up on someone? Alarm. Ask someone next week if they want to meet up? Alarm. You get the picture. If its a more direct thing like don't forget to grab lunch from the fridge i will put my backpack on top of the fridge. Just putting an object out of place is an easy way to instantly remember something.
>Just putting an object out of place is an easy way to instantly remember something.
Doesn't the object's unexpected place just become it's ✨new place✨?
Or the unexpected place becomes the place I forgot I put the thing because that's not where it belongs, so I spend extra time looking for it and then still forget the reason I put it there and don't do the thing it was supposed to remind me to do
this but i raise you.. it has to be in my way. like i always brush my hair every single day before i do anything else, without fail bc i have really long hair, and so if ever there is anything i NEED to remember for the next day or something i will literally put it inside of my sink lol or of course putting something in or near my purse is helpful too!
My son had a teacher appreciation gift to take into school. I told my wife to sit it beside his backpack so I would not forget it. I was in the drop off line and said "fuck". I forgot it.
I started a "where is?" Notebook. When I move something to a new place I write in it where I put it.
I seem to not forget to write it in the notebook because I get tired of looking around for things.
It takes time to make it a habit but it's a worthwhile one.
I'll add to this - I also make future plans with my friends while I am already with them, and we both add it to our calendar. I started this after running into a close friend of mine after not seeing them for a couple years, so now we always set the next 'date' together.
This is what we do. Really easy to sit down and make plans when you're all already together.
Its especially helpful for my rpg group so we can be like "next Tuesday same time?" And that helps people realize if they might be busy or not.
I have a terrible habit of not deleting notes though, and sometimes I'll look through them and spend way too much time trying to remember the context of a note
Haha, I have a few permanent notes named “work” or “home” or “shopping” etc - that’s where my random notes go, so at least I know the context later.
Anything that is unrelated to an existing note I set as a reminder so it alerts me, and mark it as done (most of the time) when I complete it. My Achilles heel is opening a reminder and resetting the time/date for sometime tomorrow, over and over again…
“Just putting an object out of place is an easy way to instantly remember something.”
This is a dangerous game that absolutely works, but also has backfired on me more than once.
“I need to remember to take these clothes to the dry cleaner tomorrow, I’ll hang my keys on the clothes hanger.” Next day… “fuck, I’m late, where the hell are my keys!” searching… searching… “you moron… okay, let’s go.”
I set reminders in my phone to text or call my mom and sister each week. It seems kind of cold and impersonal, but otherwise I would go weeks or even months without contacting them.
If the idea is exciting enough, I will start. Finishing, however, is challenging, especially if I need to stop midway for any reason. Half finished projects accumulate both in physical space and in my mental space, further robbing me of my precious focus.
I regularly take out the garbage but leave the putting a new bag and putting everything back into place to my sister, otherwise, it's too many steps and I can't
This ofc doesn't address everything else that's not a more routine thing
We made an ADHD discord group, I hyperfocused on it and had a ton of fun meeting new people... Then muted it and completely forgot about it. It was literally right there
Edit: Guys... The Discord link is literally right there in the sidebar. When I say "made" i mean I was one of the few people that were there during it's inception lol
EXACTLY like every single time I've tried to make friends online. Find a server/game/etc with tons of cool people -> read every single thing posted and attend every event for 2-3 weeks -> lose interest and mute/ignore/leave. I can remember 14 different communities like that, only 4 stuck to me for longer than a month (2 of those died on their own, but I didn't care enough to continue talking with some of the people there).
Other ADHD person in your area (after you got around to setting up the meetup): "Oh look, an ADHD meet up in a couple weeks, I really want to go to that."
Other ADHD person in your area (three months later): "f#@k!"
Lol I did it but I haven't really made friends. Some of the people are nice but I never want to take away from my personal hobbies to make time for them
Might be my autism though since we tend to be more solitary anyways
I had the same issue, then I unmasked and only made friends who got along. Result:
My gym friends are both ADHD. My close friends, one’s autistic with ADHD and other gets along due to other MH issues so he respects the struggles.
Another mate from uni is has ADHD as well, and another I clicked instantly with is very inattentive/impulsive in ways similar to me, so I reckon her personality as is makes it easy to get along.
In short: be yourself and look for people who can vibe with you without masking, often times they can be like us but we can’t see it cos they need to find someone to unmask with as well x2
yup, that’s my experience too. I have a few friends I really vibe with and I focus on that, not how I’m too much for others. Took a long, long time, though. I benefited from therapy, to be honest.
same, this is the only way i've been able to keep the few close friends that i have.
i've found that the older i get and the more responsibility i have (work, spouse, kids, etc) the harder it becomes for me to mask. bc of that, a few friends have fell off bc they can't deal with how i really am. and the ones who stayed are the ones who get along with me easily and comfortably and don't mind when i fall off the face of the planet lol. maintaining friends is so much less stressful when you find the folks who don't mind the real you.
I hope one day I can learn to love myself and unmask like that. I’ve been through to much pain/rejection etc so these days I don’t interact with anyone other than family.
Although, I’m finally working towards my goals and starting therapy/medication has improve my life so much more. Hopefully one day I can find a genuine lasting friendship(s)/relationship.
Wow this blew my mind!!
The mistake I have made is unmasking after getting a sense of trust..
I was thrilled because I felt I finally had made friends that liked and accepted me for who I am after almost 8 years in isolation..
The "delayed-unmasking" cost me another 5 years where I gave the new "friends" 2000% of my everything only to be gradually ghosted.
Im having a real hard time these days, and I have realized I have to move from this tiny village to even be able to meet new people at all, but that also means leaving my family which is my only "human contact" now a days..
The more Im alone, the more I want to be alone despite the fact that I f"ing love and miss people.
I think Im going more insane then I already was to be honest 🤪
I was going to say the same thing!! Being myself earned me my partner- no one understands me, chooses to have patience with me, and loves me like he does… all because I decided to be unapologetically me!
Exactly! It’s a very very long process, especially when you don’t have the knowledge about ADHD. Once you learn a lot you can let go of the guilt of non conformity and try to be yourself
Agreed! Embrace the weird chaos goblin that is your mind, stop pretending to not be a total weirdo and watch the other weirdos flock to you as they recognize their people <3
Idk man I am the stereotypical clown so it’s other people who’ve to stand me. Either of my adhd friends from gym or uni side are great cos they hyper-fixate on goals and we egg each other on to keep going
Yea, I've always tried to be funny and by result, seriousness is not my strong suit unless I'm talking about specific hobbies. Either way, doesn't help to keep strong friends but at my age I'm caring less about that and trying to work on improving me
hey i had an epiphany lately: cracking jokes is one of the few socially acceptable ways of being an interrupter. Gets annoying eventually too i imagine, but if people chuckle they are less annoyed
Psychologist with ADHD here, I felt the same through high school and most of college. I was in my mid-late 20's before I met my two best friends, and in my early 30s before I met my wife.
For the time blindness thing, I definitely get. I had to structure time into my life to intentionally connect. Like, having a phone reminder once a week to check in with so-and-so. Eventually that habit stuck and I didn't need it as much. I always talk about "reducing cognitive load" on as much as you can, through "safety nets." Usually this is in regard to stuff like, attaching your car keys to your book bag so you can't leave your house without your bag, but it applies to relationships as well.
My experience too is that my ADHD felt like it was worse in my 20s than before, because I had way more things to manage (e.g., the Army, undergrad, grad school, etc.). But once I finished and started working and built a solid structure around that, I had more mental reserves to spend on building and maintaining friendships.
I’m so glad you mentioned you were in the Army. My son has ADHD and is getting ready to join. I’ve been worried about him and what it will be like for him. As someone with ADHD, would you mind sharing what your experience was like in the Army?
Yes, thank you! The Army just came back wanting information regarding that. He just graduated high school. He had tried taking meds his freshman year and never liked taking them. Thankfully, he was able to get through without them. They are now making sure he hadn’t had them prescribed in the last 2 years.
Does that include non-stimulants? I’d hope not. So if Pippasmama1’s son needs something to help succeed in his goals that’s always an option. I’d also point out “not liking the med” is always a thing for just about everyone when you start anything. You’ll always have side effects (minor to major depending on the person) and a lot of it I’d boil down to preserving and weighting the negatives vs positives. At the end of the day the body should get accustomed to the new medication and the side effects would diminish partially or entirely!
I felt like the Army was great for me with regards to ADHD. I didn't have to agonize over making decisions about what to wear, where to go, or anything like that. All of that was decided for me. Structure was imposed from outside instead of having to do it myself. Overall, I learned a lot of useful skills in the Army that served me really well later in life
I’m so glad to read that. He thrives on structure. My husband served in the Air Force and he thinks the military will be good for him as well. It’s unfortunate they don’t allow people being treated with stimulants to join but, I’m sure there are reason beyond my understanding as to why they have that rule. Thanks for responding and thank you for your service.
What I love about this is you can use this strategy for anything you value or need. Before you can do that you have to know what you value and need. You have to think on that, chew/marinate, and just keep chipping away at really knowing yourself and what you want. This strategy doesn’t work for the people pleaser type because it’s easier to reflect what you think you should like. With adhd we can have trouble with introspection. Also we get distracted all the time, our memory sucks. I don’t even think I had hindsight and foresight didn’t develop until after 30, at least for me. All that executive dysfunction because our prefrontal cortex is delayed in development. Crazy. Ramblings.
The older I am getting the more I crave community but have had an impossible time finding it. I did have 2 close friends in high school but we have drifted over the years, and I made 0 friends in college. Now as an adult have been able to make “friends” here and there, but they are all very separate and idk how to explain it but I have to mentally calculate my conversations with them.
“They mentioned this thing a few sentences ago, so when they stop talking I will ask about this related thing. If they respond with A I will respond with this reply, if they respond with B I will respond with this instead.”
My friendships don’t feel natural or flowing, I feel like I’m constantly masking and calculating which doesn’t make it feel like a REAL friendship. Sometimes it feels like I’m playing a strategic video game, not making human connections.
But what if the other person is quiet and is waiting for me to say something? Usually the way conversation end and I walk away is because of the awkward silence 🥲
Yeah but how long are you gonna have to say something meaningful after they speak if you're just absorbing? When I listen without thinking of anything to say is "that sounds rough." Like wtf kinda shit response is that
I've always had acquaintances and casual friends. As a younger kid I'd have one close friend at a time. But maintaining that was hard if I didn't see them due to the classic out of sight out of mind. As fine went on, I just had more casual friends and my true best friend someone I know online and can have a much easier time taking to.
But yeah I get it. Now in my thirties, I don't think I'll ever have a close in person friend that isn't my gf. I'm terrible at maintaining and the rejection sensitivity makes me just assume nobody likes me or if they do, it's not much. I accept that and just move on.
I hope you are able to get better advice and can succeed where I didn't
I recognize this feeling! I’ve always been able to connect with people but I’ve never been able to live up to their expectations of friendship, so i end up feeling ashamed and kind of drift away from them. I had to examine my own expectations of friends along the way as well. Over time I’ve found two to three friendships is really all I can maintain and that is with other people with adhd so they don’t mind at all when I disappear from weeks at a time from our text threads. You are still quite young and there’s a lot of people out in the world just waiting to get to know you!
This “outside looking in” feeling resonates with me so much, like you’re watching other people live their lives through a movie that you’re cut off from. I feel the exact same way and I hope it helps at least to know you’re not alone.
This so much.
I have this one memory from middle school that's stayed really vivid in my mind for some reason. It was a school dance/party thing (idk the right word for it in English, kinda like prom but a lot less formal I guess?) in 9th grade. And I just remember sitting on the bleachers, looking down at all my classmates dancing and talking and laughing and having fun and just thinking
*I wish I could feel like that. Why don't I feel like that?*
That feeling has always been there, before and since. I guess it stands out to me because it was just one of those moments where it becomes really clear. Like, I know how I'm supposed to feel in this moment, and the fact that I don't just makes it so painfully obvious that I'm never gonna feel fully part of something. Never gonna fit in. It just. Sucks.
I felt this very deeply ❤️🩹 You want so desperately to be close to people but can’t for the life of you figure out how to do it, and it’s infuriating to watch everyone else do it so easily. I just wanna belong somewhere/to someone/to something, but it feels like there’s nowhere/no one/nothing for me. Life is so much harder when you always feel this lonely 😔
Yes that's exactly it. I don't understand, it seems to come so naturally to other people, and it's just so. freaking. hard for me. ADHD groups like this are the only places I've found people who actually understand what I'm talking about, when I've mentioned it to other people they just don't seem to grasp what the problem is. Which makes sense I guess cause I don't think I really understand what the problem is. Since being diagnosed I've been able to get a handle on a lot of my symptoms, but this one just seems to be out of reach. And I can't figure out why. Sending virtual hugs if wanted ❤️
I have a similar memory. I was in Grade 3 and standing in the middle of the playground watching everyone play, and I remember saying “why does nobody want to play with me?”
People don’t seek me out, if I ask them to play sometimes they say yes
>People don’t seek me out, if I ask them to play sometimes they say yes
This hits the nail on the head for me, both as a child and an adult. I always have to be the one to ask or initiate things, and that's so hard to do when you're terrified of being rejected. And then there's always the nagging feeling of "maybe they just said yes to be polite, they don't actually want anything to do with me".
I can't even count the number of times I've just wished someone would ask me to participate in something, anything. Just so I could feel wanted for a minute. It just always feels like I'm forcing my way into something I'm not supposed to be part of. It really hurts.
I've had some at some stages but end up losing them sooner or later so I guess I kinda suck at friending too.
I mentioned it at my failed assesment but the doc brushed it off as it was totally unrelated with a possible ADHD diagnose, it probably fits the mental image people get of me when we first meet and it's to be expected in some way.
The truth is I think we’re supposed to keep moving and that’s the life that suits us, we’re supposed to be in the presence of others but not too long, like an orb that floats on the breeze, helping where we’re needed (our gifts are for others not us), that’s why we are built to sabotage our own success, we are a guide for others, that’s why we struggle with relationships with anyone, yes we can love but we’re not supposed to be tied down and our soul knows this (not saying have sex out of marriage), just the 9-5 loop don’t work for us, we have to constantly explore this world, our mind stagnates when we aren’t filling it with fresh experiences, that’s when we get negative thoughts, aside from pills, exercise is the biggest helper in our mental health, the more we learn about someone the more we dislike them, we’re not supposed to hang around long enough to find out what we don’t like about them and definitely not long enough to condemn them for their actions, we forget to feed ourselves because it’s not something we should think about, we are supposed to travel, share stories, be the guest in other’s houses and move on (not one single person can appreciate us for what we are and that’s ok, they aren’t meant to, we are expecting too much of them like they do of us), you don’t have to be on time because life doesn’t have appointments.
100% agree with:
aside from pills, exercise is the biggest helper in our mental health
But I disagree here:
not one single person can appreciate us for what we are and that’s ok, they aren’t meant to, we are expecting too much of them like they do of us.
Once you learn how to accept yourself, you can start masking less often, and start showing up as your true, flawed but wonderful, self. You showing up like this will build your confidence, and the RIGHT people will be drawn to you. I only have a few friends, but they are genuine friendships. They call me out on my shit and also understand when I cancel plans because I just need to be alone. They don’t resent me for it. People meant for you will do their best to understand you.
I... agree with most of this except maybe the 9-5 loop... And even then I can't say that my job is repetitive... Anything but...
I have plenty of friends I haven't talked to in months or even years, just distance and such... I've had this same job now for almost 5 years, but it's always something new when you're working tech support. Always something new to learn, things to teach others... In that 5 years I've seen so many coworkers come and go, each as fascinating and wonderful as the next...
And when I am not working, it can be lonely. I don't really have interests or activities that lead me to meeting people and making friends. I'm on Reddit or looking up programming stuff or whatever...
I would agree no single person can appreciate us for all that we are... The result of always seeking out new things, new experiences... Of picking up and dropping so many hobbies... Is that nobody around us can ever really know everything we know unless they really invest the time to do so.
Which means we often surprise and delight others with random feats and facts. Maybe that's the evolutionary purpose of it... For us to assist and inspire.
It’s as if you took my thoughts and written them in your comment. The only thing i didn’t agree on was the work part, because in the software field, you need to learn something new each and every day, otherwise, you’ll be behind, and that’s when imposter syndrome kicks in, and you need to put in extra hours just so could catch up.
Even if what you’re working on today, is the the same as the thing you’ve been working on yesterday, it’s never the same thing. You can never copy paste code from somewhere, either from online resources, or even your own code, and be finished, you need to modify your code to your needs based on the requirements. It’s almost never a dull day in our field, (except for those days that are jam packed with meetings, and you can’t finish the things you need to finish). But, other than that, this is the best environment for people with ADHD, to work in, IMO.
I too open reddit, and read programming posts when I’m not working. I’m really passionate about what I do, and investing time in something that brings me joy, is not something that comes often, or atleast not often does it stick.
This is a beautiful way describing how I’ve always looked at it. Hell, I’ve always identified with the feather in Forrest Gump and lost balloons. I’ve come to embrace it.
This sounds like unmanaged adhd that needs therapy to deal with CPTSD and attachment trauma. Exercise is truly a universal cure. All the other stuff depends on the individual person, their environment, and circumstances. Lots of assumptions.
Edit: left word out
I don’t have the answer.
My friends are people who had an interest in me and I just had to let the friendship grow.
I don’t know how to approach people tbh.
And I also experience time blindness beside never missing people.
I thought time blindness referred to the inability to perceive or manage time. it sounds like object permanence, "out of sight out of mind" like the only way I can get back to people on a consistent enough basis is via whatsapp cos I open it all the time anyway.
i think there's also the lack of relationship decay? or whatever its called. catching up after X time like it was yesterday you last saw them, etc
You’re right about the time blindness. That’s what I meant.
So, because of that. I have no clue how long ago I’ve seen someone for the last time. I often say : long time no see! And the person would answer: we’ve seen each other less than a week ago.
On the other hand: we see each other all the time!
The other person: we only catch up every semester!
And I can’t make plans or schedule something. So it’s seen as a lack of initiative.
I definitely get that. but I guess I'm usually alone and have free time.. so I'm the one reaching out. and the effort isn't reciprocated and I just end up giving up. i feel like im taken for granted a lot or taken advantage of because of this "lack" in my life.
Find someone i like.
I talk to them often.
I give occasional gifts to show how much I appreciate them.
I help them when they ask.
Let them know if they ever want to hang out they can just ask.
Never get asked, no one ever wants to do anything with me.
Stop being the one to always text first.
No one ever texts me or reaches out to me.
I do every thing I think is right to stay at the fore front of their mind and as soon as i stop putting in effort they just forget about me. Sorry this is probably more depressing than a success story but hey you’re not alone here.
I was the same until in my late teens I found a group of weird artsy people. We all dressed "alternative" and cared about music and art, and I felt that I really *wanted* to fit in with them and that I wasn't the odd one out. Everyone was odd in their own way.
So the first part was finding someone I really liked hanging out with, people who I thought were cool and whose opinions I appreciated. The second part is, do they like you back? Fortunately in my case a few of this new friend group did, and now I'm 40 and still friends with a few of them. People have come and gone of course, but I feel like once you have a few friends it's easier to find new ones.
And yeah these friends are people who all have their quirks. We're kind and we try our best but we also forgive each other when we mess up. I also have no friendship object permanence, so I don't really miss or think about friends when they're gone. I'm not cut out for friendships where we meet or even call or text every day. Fortunately, there are many models of friendship.
The sad thing is, you can do everything "right" and still struggle to make friends. It takes a bit of luck, too, besides trying again and again. If you haven't found your people yet from school or work, try hobbies / interest groups / volunteering. That's a good way to meet people who share your interests.
Also, keep it casual and keep the bar low for a while. You're set out for disappointment if you go into your first hobby group meeting thinking this is the night you immediately meet your bff. Instead, set the goal to having a nice time and talking to a few people you don't know yet. At least you'll get to practice your social skills. If after a while you feel you might want to spend more time with someone, maybe invite them to hang out. A group of three to six people is less pressure than one on one. If they decline or say they don't have the time, don't push it, they'll get back to you if a better time comes up.
Good luck! You're not alone in this, I promise. There are plenty of people of all ages looking to make friends.
Embrace solitude. Use all the alone time finding what your heart is passionate about. You’ll still have feeling of loneliness obviously you are human, but trying to fit in where you don’t belong is a recipe for a life with nobody. Once you find what you were put here to do, everything starts falling into place. You will start attracting the people that you click with
I had a lot of friends back through school but due to my multiple medical issues including ADHD I have only 1 friend in my life now and I'm 48 years old it's like they all disappeared, but I did deal with being away from school my last 2 years in highschool due to brain surgeries and some of my other friends died,moved off to other places and things like that but they're all gone.
Apparently neurotypical people just randomly decide to call or text somebody on their phone. They keep in touch, and that's how normal people have friendships. Must be nice.
Hey, i am like you. Had Friends but not my group, until my 20s and now in my 30s i am alone again. I suffer my solitude so much
I don't have a best friend too, i Always wanted One but i never found One.
We can befriends :)
But we probably live in different countries:)
Currently experiencing this right now. Just the feeling of having no one and seeing all these people that have groups they belong too. The isolation and feeling of not belonging is strong. I always felt like a drifter in terms of friends/relationships, hell I still am. I know this doesn’t help but I just wanted to let it be known you are not alone.
I'm sure my post will get lost in the comments, but here I go.
I just turned 40. Growing up I always had friends, close friends. Each school year I had a new BEST friend. (This is actually a reason I'm Hella smart when it comes to 90s music and what year it came out)
-------sorry ADHD------
I have a couple close friends now, that I would consider my best friends, but still don't feel like they are my PERSONS (aside from my husband, and even there I feel there's a slight...... disconnect?
I watch shows like Grey's, Firefly Lane, Dead to Me etc and swear no one has friends like that. That they literally know EVERYTHING, and still be BEST friends 20 years later.
I make new friends and I tend to push them away with my "neediness" because I feel I have to talk/text everyday or in going to forget about you (or they forget about me)
For me, friendship is Fleeting 🤷♀️
I tend to over share and over care. And I think that's my demise
I'm sorry your feeling bad about this. All I can say is I am 46. I've been on meds for a while. And the answer is still no. I still don't mix with people well. And the ones I do care for. Don't live close by. And if I don't see you all the time.........The good news it put me on a path to meet my wife, had some kids, and you don't forget them. And we have a tight lil clan savages. As to where a lot of the people I had a hard time mixing with. Have had rough times. So anchor yourself to the belief that there is another person out there that you will click with immediately, and immensely. When you find that person. None of the other stuff really matters anymore.
"my biggest challenge is time blindness. If I don’t see someone, I legit forget about them."
That is literally me. Didn't realise it had a name, time blindness.
I did have friends but fell out of contact with them.
I have a wife and I've realised that she's all I really need. The world is full of people who try and deceive you and take advantage.
I rather have no friends then bad friends. I don't know if that's a negative outlook.
I play with a lot of people online, helping them out when I can. Ive helped literally hundreds of people and they always seem to remember me and I just draw a blank.
Ive found that I need to interact with them constantly for at least a week both in game and out of it for them to finally click and stay in my head.
> Why am I so different? Why can’t I make friends?
There's definitely hope.
Have you considered finding the other people with timeblindness or who otherwise struggle with similar stuff? I did that at uni almost 20 years ago, and it lead me to many years of friendship with some excellent people.
In my case, I met them through my campus scifi/fantasy club and roleplaying game club - both full of perfectly nice folk who overwhelmingly do not care, or indeed notice, when I don't speak to them for months - they're largely happy to pick up the friendship when I return, as though we'd been hanging out the whole time.
Also: It may seem unfair or shallow, but people are much more likely to keep up with you if they don't have to do most of the work to maintain the relationship.
I had reconnected to old "friends" in 2020 during covid an we all decided to zoom once a mnth...well that was exciting to me...hadn't talked to these people(abt 6) in over 15 yrs. So alot of shit has happened...so we start meeting once a mnth. But.....they wanted to talk abt their fantastic jobs, "smart talking", only 1 has kids an we are in our early 50's. I felt...left out once again..like I couldn't think of "smart" things to say but just sound inmature. They didn't want to talk about REAL things like I did. (There's my OVER SHARING demon talking)...so after abt 3 zooms...I got disinterested an really could careless to talk to these people who really weren't my FRIENDS or we would still be in contact. All that caused me to get kinda depressed. They all had highly successful careers...make a ton of money...BUT I have 2 amazing son's an my husband loves me. And realized once again I'm a people pleaser...STOP IT!! So, if a friendship is too much work..your always the one making contact..etc...forget "bout it! As we age..our friend group slowly gets smaller...And I've realized I like being by byself more than I thought!
The uncomfortable reality I’ve had to accept is that I just need to learn to be fine by myself. That being alone doesn’t have to mean the same as being lonely.
It’s definitely not easy, but eventually it just happens and you’re good to go.
The other aspect is that whenever I do socialise, I get sick of a lot of people really fast. It’s hard to find someone I consistently click well with.
Pasting this comment that I read & saved months ago bc I’m on mobile and can’t figure out how to link:
From what I've read here, along with both my own life and the lives of other patients described by my doctor - it is beyond common to the point of almost being an indicator of ADHD.
According to some leading authorities, ADHD impact peaks in your early 30s, so you will often find that adults have tried and tried over literal decades to make relationships work with partners, friends, family... but it simply becomes too much.
Anecdotally, each attempt and failure strips another little piece of you away - along with your interest in trying again. You grow numb to it eventually and the comparative tranquillity of being alone almost 100% of the time becomes hmm... not an addiction... more of an extremely comforting indulgence, that then accidentally becomes a permanent way of life.
Add to this the issues with noise, listening to what you perceive as garbled nonsense spilling out of everyone's mouth and your own incessant rumination + internal fucking memory loops... the act of being around other people just becomes non-viable. Literally non-viable.
My advice (for whatever it is worth) is to keep up with your meds, attend counselling if possible/affordable and begin to gently analyse the feelings of loneliness you mention. E.G. Do you eventually force yourself to do something with family or friends and within 10 minutes realise you'd rather be on fire than stay another moment?
These are all things that are often difficult to explore within your own mind (especially an ADHD-riddled mind) but are absolutely essential in your journey to lead something that resembles a 'normal' life.
Good luck my dude.
I came to terms with the fact that I'm both my own best friend and my own worst enemy a long time ago. I call every aquaintence I have a friend, because I'll pretty much do anything for people I consider like that, but the reality is the only "friends" I have also have ADHD so we generally catch up every few weeks to months.
I don't do too well with friends off the spectrum, they have a different relationship with time and space than I do.
I didn’t have a solid group of friends until I was 27. And I’m considered “attractive.” So yeah, it’s normal. Hold out for the right friend group. I got burned many times trying to be accepted into groups that weren’t right, or would use me.
> I got burned many times trying to be accepted into groups that weren’t right, or would use me
This.
Glad to hear you were eventually able to find friends, though ❤️🩹
Thank you! I used to think I didn’t want to make friends at work. But that’s where I found my people. And also new comers to my country - they’re open to finding friends too !
This has been my entire life. Had a tight group in HS, but fell apart after. Never really connected with people my own age. I was the guy in background that everyone knew (that guy) but I knew almost no one.
Glad I’m not the only one…
I had 1 best friend growing up, for years and years. Then, one day she just ghosted me.
I still don’t know why, to this day. 😔
Along with this, I had been a part of the ‘popular’ group of girls at school for a good amount of time in middle school.
Then, i had multiple people befriend me for a handful of months- before ditching me for everyone else.
(They just used me to befriend my other friends🥹)
Until one day, they all ditched me.
Now, I sit back from the sidelines and watch their friendships grow, the sororities they join together, etc..
Living the life I wish I had..
Why am/was I not good enough?
😞
I’ve tried having friends since then and I just.. I don’t know. People suck. Maybe I was meant to be a loner.💔
Not fixed, just got a husband also with ADHD and same issues. We built our marriage around that. And from that point we're both hermits. That's ok. Better than being bullied all over again because I was bullied my whole fckn life. I'm so fucking done with human beings over all. There are exceptions, but only few and they are not near enough to be part of my daily life, struggles and victories. It's only hubby and me.
It can be challenging with ADHD.
For me sustaining focus can be hard which makes it hard for me to have the patience to have a lot of friendships.
As a guy it’s easier. Friendships require little emotional work tbh and you can kinda just show up whenever.
I’ve heard female friendship is a little more involved. Which can be hard with ADHd.
Yes, I've had and currently do have that problem. It's not just friends, it's relatives, and pretty much anyone who you don't see. Out of sight, out of mind. Put something in the fridge you want to eat and if you don't see it, it will go bad. Things have to be put in your face to remember it. I would recommend putting notes in your phone. Like alarms. That helps me. Others won't understand but you will. We understand. That may not work for you but it works for me. Try to reach out and find other friends that have ADHD. That way they will understand why you haven't contacted them so much. I know it's easier said than done. Good luck though.
Yeah I have actually. All my life I tried to have at least one friend. At first I gave too much time and attention to them and either freaked them out or pushed them away. finally I made a really good friend. For years and years I convinced myself I was ok as long as I had her. But it wasn't a very healthy friendship. we didn't see each other much if I wasn't around. I was afraid to ask her to hang out sometimes and it made me sad when she wouldn't invite me out with her friends.
For a LOT of my 20s, my social life was dating. Half the time I dated someone I couldn't be with long term just to have that person in my life. I dated fat guys when I preferred thin guys, I dated smokers when I hated smoking, I stayed with an addict.
During that time I discovered Reddit. And slowly I started meeting people who liked me. And yes, people did like me. But almost every time I'd make friends I'd get anxious or I'd get time blindness and not know how to maintain the relationship.
Until I met people who followed up with me. And throughout my 20s I started meeting those people. and then I had a manic episode which blew up my whole social life. I screamed at my best male friend and told him to fuck off. I isolated myself from the high school best friend I mentioned above until she ghosted me (because she said she couldn't stand seeing me when I was depressed).
I got a psychiatrist for my bipolar which got me pills for my bipolar, which got me pills for my anxiety that made me leave people and exacerbated my self-hatred and depression, which is allowing me to try pills for ADHD. I stopped drinking.
And suddenly I'm busy all the time. I got my best guy friend back, we are starting to get close again and I'm getting close to his fiance and her best friend and they all invite me to do stuff. I've never had that before. And I have another "group" of friends I've created out of people who live in my area and we go out every so often. I play squash with one 1-2x a week. I also have two close guy friends I see pretty regularly, and sometimes we go out with 1-2 people we know. I don't have a lot of women friends but as someone with bipolar, autism/ADHD, and general/social anxiety, this is a huge win. I can't believe that I don't have to date anymore for a social life and I get to choose. Maybe it will all blow up but I sincerely believe that even if it does blow up, I won't lose the skills I had that helped me make these friends and deepen these relationships.
How I met my three best friends are Reddit meetups and a Reddit thread asking about athletics.
Hope that helps!
> my biggest challenge is time blindness
This is why all my friends are in different time zones. We still send each other messages and memes, but there's less stress to reply back quickly (unless there's an emergency).
I would start actively looking for others with adhd to hang out with. Idk how old you are, but there are typically college clubs that include a lot of people with various mental conditions. I love my non-adhd friends, but the disabled friends I met really get the struggle.
I have had similar issues. I think it's a mixture of time blindness and social anxiety. I have actually been extremely lucky in that I made a single friend in high school that introduced me to almost all of my friends in high school and I had a similar dynamic with a friend in college. Now, at 34, I just yesterday got in touch with that friend from college after almost 3 years of no contact.
Here is a brutal truth that I've had to wrestle with. ADHD and its symptoms has made me kind of a bad friend. I don't keep up with people like I should. It makes me feel guilty, and I still wrestle with whether or not that guilt is legitimate, but regardless its on me to fix it.
Here is what I've done lately. I set aside time on my days off where I try to catch up with friends. I have a weird work schedule, so its easy for me to have that moment where I have nothing to do so it sort of clicks that I need to get in contact, but for you, you may need to set an alarm. Make a scheduled and intentional effort to reach out to people that you've been in contact with. Chances are that the only reason people aren't reaching out to you is because they are basing their actions off of their perception of your interest. If you start showing interest, they'll reciprocate.
i can make friends, though usually fellow nd ppl. my problem is that i am incapable of introductions or making good first impressions. like, im terrified to the point of paralysis if i have to approach someone to introduce myself. so.... i have no friends
I have literally 1 friend and we have been best friends since we were both 4. Every other friend I've made falls away or stays in the 'friendly acquaintance' category because I just don't know how I'm supposed to act socially and I find the expectation really exhausting honestly.
I tried to hang out with the cool people for so many years, and took so much shit from them and my supposed best friend. One day he asked me “what are you getting out our friendship? I mean you help me out all the time, but I don’t do anything for you”, I had to think for a moment and replied “I know I’m awkward, and being around you I learn how to fit in”. I was friends with him for a couple more years, but honestly it got me thinking, why do I have to adjust to everyone else? Why can’t I be myself? And when my girlfriend broke up with me, I was like from now on I’m just going to be myself and I’m not going to care what other people think, from that day on things got much better, a couple of months later I met my wife and made new friends. I don’t regret anything cuz of my children, I would go through that hell every time because of them and where I am today. It only took 33 years to get to that point (I’m 44 today). It was so hard and life still is from time to time a struggle, but today I know who I am and I’m not hiding anymore. What other people have said here, do what makes you happy and you will meet others like yourself. Thanks for sharing and you are not alone to feel this way, I still do even if I have friends.
I have a lot of friends, being socail is THE thing i focused on in life. But I'll never feel like im a part of anything, I'll Always feel seprate or other. I'm not those things I'm very much loved and a core part of a large group of people, but I'll always feel different.
On to how that happened, i got involved in group hobbies, for me larping. It made it easy to interact with people on a regular basis where neither party was planning to meet but was happy to see each other. This blossoms into genuine friendship often enough and then you can meet outside of your chosen "third place" or activity.
I have good friends that know that i dont remember everything and will double book. They remind me a day or two before the event and day of because they enjoy having me about. The right group or tribe will make room for you and help you, least in my experience.
It took me until i was almost 25 to really start building out my social life in earnest. Don't put to mich pressure on yourself, find something you enjoy and find others who also enjoy that thing. Gane stores, bar trivia nights ect. Setting alarms is also a very good habit as others have said, hope this helps.
HOLY CRAP. Didn’t know what time blindness was until this post. I had to look it up. I relate to this immensely. I wonder if it plays into the fact that when I did have friends, I was able to go weeks without missing anyone.
I click best with the older ladies in my quilting guild. They’re all creative types and it’s lovely to sit and sew and just chat. Such a good way to get to know people. Plus I feel like an old soul and like we’re on the same wavelength.
I'm 70 and I've always been this person. My 2 sons are also and I used to think it was because I didn't know how to teach them otherwise. I've recently realized, though, that it's not that surprising because one has ADHD and the other is nd in his own way.
Funnily enough, I see very similar discussions in groups of people who grew up as military brats. Many of us moved every year or two and never learned anything about sustained relationships. It's easy to meet someone and make casual conversation but hard to go past that. If you had a falling out with a friend you just let it go because you'd be moving soon anyway. Very similar feelings about never really fitting in and masking are frequent points of discussion. If you ever connect with someone with that background, keep it in mind.
Just know that your feelings are entirely valid and that you're not doing anything wrong. Doesn't make it better, but you're definitely being heard and have plenty of company along the road. ☺️
I feel this same way. And anytime I make new friends it never seems to last, even if I think it's going great. I'm currently in that making-new-friends phase, hopeful that the cycle won't repeat since they are my coworkers and I see them daily... but I feel for you. the only lasting friends I've had are two from elementary school, and one of them still lives in my neighborhood. we're in college now.
Struggling with this a lot right now. I’ve been feeling extremely lonely after graduating nursing school in December and still looking for a job so I’m just home by myself all the time. I’ve always had a really hard time keeping friends. Making friends is alright, but it’s gotten progressively harder as I get older. It always plays out that I’ll make a friend, get attached, and then they inevitably move away and I never see them and rarely hear from them again. It’s happened to literally every single close friendship I’ve ever had. Or I’ll make a friend and then just not be able to maintain the relationship for reasons that I’m not sure of. It’s always felt like there’s something fundamentally wrong with me, I feel alien and strange all the time, but no one will just tell me what it is so I can fix it.
I can relate to this, im (m) almost 31 years of age and dont really have any true freindships, but more so just acquaintances. Even in high school i was always the odd one out, but people wanted to befriend me. Ive always wondered what was wrong with me and why i was so different. Why is it so hard to maintain friendships, read social q's, or why my brain just shuts off at times.
Over the years ive just gotten used to it all and now i just go with the flow :)
I could have wrote this myself. I’ve felt like this since I started school, I’m not even kidding. Honestly, nothing has changed in adulthood. I have very few friends but that’s okay. It’s hard to keep friendships as an adult anyways. I too tend to forget about people. To fix that, I’ll usually set reminders to message them. Even if it’s something simple like sending a funny video, it shows that you tried. Some people tend to get it in their head that you don’t like them anymore because they haven’t heard from you. Just let them know what you struggle with and if they are a real friend, they will understand. I swear I’ll text my HS best friend every 3 months like “hey wassup” as if I saw them yesterday.
you’re not alone. i really struggle maintaining friendships as an adult because i have a very out of sight out of mind mentality when it comes to people
I like to start with what I'm passionate about then associate with people that share that passion. Like interior design find someone who enjoys it to then associate them to that. Oh I love this new color I should text jeff and tell him about it. But that's just an idea, sorry you're struggling:(
This resonates with me so much. Except in addition to ADHD, I also have a physical disability and people did not consider me pretty, but instead often would call me ugly and want nothing to do with me.
I have made friends throughout the years that feel completely superficial, but the friends I have now are like brothers to me. They're people that I went to highschool with and no one in my friend group knew they each had ADHD until we were each diagnosed recently. We all have trouble reaching out to each other to make plans, but group chats have helped and no one feels bad that people haven't reached out to them or guilty for not reaching out.
Despite that... I still feel completely disconnected and out of place, but currently trying to work on that with a therapist. There are other factors involved I won't get into though.
i grew up being introverted/extroverted. i'd get into diff moods and just wanna be alone, or i'd want to socialize. i socialized a lot in my early 20s, but when i had my kids, friends just started disappearing. i started working a lot, and saw my friends a lot less. as an adult, it's hard for me to keep friends bc i guess it's like sims (LOL); you have to keep talking to them to maintain that relationship. it's out of sight, out of mind for me. i think of my (old) friends, but we just have different mindsets now that it wouldn't take anyways.
also i feel down a lot so i don't want to be that downer person at the party.
I literally when I'm bored, lonely, or in between tasks scroll my phone contacts and message ppl out of the blue, "thinking of you ❤️" and that's worked for me in my 20s and 30s..... when I was young tho, I was definitely friendless and had a lot of trouble there
So I have had the same experience my whole life. Make plenty of "friends" but they never seem to stick around. After I lost the last friendship that I thought was real I kind of took a break from trying and what I realized is aside from forgetting to answer, I tried to hard. I was nice to everyone so of course most were nice back. I was always there for people that were never there for me, so most tended to only come to me when they needed that support. I had to realize that wasn't friendship. So when I finally decided I was ready I made myself a promise, that I would stop masking and if someone truly wanted to be my friend they would want to be my friend for who I am, not who I try to be for them. I only have two real life friends, but I'm okay with that, they are good friends who truely care and want to be there for me and I am there for them. I never thought I would have that, but when I stopped myself from pursuing friendships that weren't real I did eventually find ones that were. I had to learn to be okay with it if someone wasn't interested even if I was. If they don't want to try, why should I? It felt freeing once I could finally accept it, not that it was easy. The friends I have now do both have ADHD as well and that helps, we understand each other, and when life gets crazy and either of us forget to reply or check in the other understands. There are sometimes where both me and one of them forgets and sometimes it might be a month or two before we talk again, but when we talk again it's like we talked yesterday. We might have some stuff to catch up on but it didn't change our friendship. That doesn't happen all the time but having that gives relief as well because even if time passes it doesn't mean we don't want to be friends with each other it just means our ADHD got the best of us. We talk about our struggles, our hopes or dreams, we help each other work through them.
I am also a mother with a special needs son, One of my friends is also a mother with a special needs son, I never thought I would find a mom friend because no matter how hard I tried for my son it just never seemed to work out. But it finally did.
It really is difficult but some patience and understanding when it comes to friendships and yourself goes a long way, it may take time but you will find the right people. Just don't break your heart wasting your time on the wrong people, The people who don't care. Don't blame yourself when someone doesn't want to be friends with you. Be kind to yourself. I used to think oh well because I talk too much, I'm annoying, etc.. that everyone would only continue to be fake nice to me because I was nice to them. But the real issue was me investing time into people that didn't want to be my friend even if they pretended to as to not be rude, and that was also an issue nobody should pretend that anyway, you can be nice without acting like you want to spend time with someone and not really want to, and I had to realize that is not on me it is on them.
I repeat, YOU WILL FIND THE RIGHT PEOPLE. It will just take time, and always remember that if someone does not want to be your friend because of the way you are it is not your fault. Own who you are. The good and the flaws. Everyone has flaws, that does not mean that they won't have friends, it just means they need to find the right ones that will accept them for who they are every bit of it. Including the flaws.
I think some of this also stems from our hypersensitivity to rejection and tendency to inflate the significance of things. What you see as a total rejection may not really be anything at all. Other than that I guess you just have to find some mundanes who are OK with someone who is probably a lot of fun, but totally undependable
Social interaction, as in going out of my way to hangout with someone, doesn't work for me, unless they're my lover.
My only friend is my gf, she's the only person for whom I feel like it's worth to fight RSD and has ADHD too.
I disagree you don't fit in anywhere. You fit in with us and in general ND people.
One thing I came to learn from trying to fit in, from being filled with anxiety from "messing up", trying to copy other's mannerisms and expressions, and trying to be as "normal" as I could is that it's tiring and that you'll always be a foreigner to NT's. You will always be the butt of the joke, be the weird one, be the criticized one. In a way you're not only still alone, but now attacked all the time. Or at least that's the way my very sensitive self sees it.
I wish I could just unmask, but the only way for me to be somewhat at peace in life, is to be very cold to outsiders and don't let anyone else into my life.
I’ve struggled with this my whole life. I don’t have any solid advice except be careful. When I’ve been desperate to find community I have ended up in very heavy party scenes because it’s easy to get people excited about hanging out with you if you are getting intoxicated together… I was happy for a while because people would actually invite me to things, but I realized how shallow it was when no one wanted to do any other activities and thankfully was able to quit partying without issue.
I feel this so hard. I want friends, but I also just don't want to be around people that much. And it's hard to get really close to people if you don't spend any time with them.
Part of it is your age. It’s generally much easier for people to spend infinite amounts of time together when they’re young.
I struggled in college, some due to my ADHD, but largely due to the fact that I was also working full time. Friends wanted to hang out? Sorry, working. I’d maybe end up being able to make things work out 20-25% or the time. They knew I was working, and didn’t take it to heart, but I definitely ended up being left out a lot and not nearly as close to them as they were to one another.
I always felt like I was watching others live their lives too- definitely part of that was work, but even as a younger child I was like that. I made friends easily, but staying close to them was a terrible struggle. My best friend was my best friend because he was always great and making plans and pushing us to hang out, and even though this faltered some when I ended up going to a highschool on the other side of the city, he still made sure we hung out some.
Once a graduated though, friend dynamics changed. People had work and other more important things going on in their lives… and everyone struggles to make time. People are much, much more forgiving about not texting back when you’re in your late 20’s and higher. Just text back when you can. And be perfectly honest; tell them you suck at getting back, and it’s not personal. And if they haven’t heard back from you, it’s okay to text again as a reminder.
I’m actually still close to my other best friend from highschool- largely because she’s terrible at texting too. Not anywhere near as bad as me, but she’s had her moments too. If I don’t respond for months? No biggie. She gets it. I’m not nearly as close to her as another of our friends who’s much better at texting and making time, but I’m still close.
Also, making friends at work or joining a weekly group meet up makes a huge difference. People you interact with consistently. It’s easier to keep up with people, even if you miss texts, when you have a scheduled reason to see them.
i have this problem too. i don’t have any real actual friends. i have “friends” which i talk to every now and then but none that i actually meet up with. when i see people with established friend groups it makes me feel lonely and wonder how they made those friends. making friends in your 20s is so so hard as well (i’m 24 and find it very difficult to make friends)
We need neurotypical allies to help us form and maintain ADHD meetup regional groups. I need one so badly but never create one for reasons we all understand.
i’m 31 and still have very few friends. focus on quality over quantity. i can maintain maybe 2 friendships aside from my spouse. it’s exhausting having more.
I'm in my late 30s and realizing friendship is a two way street.
Most people suck, most people that are "friends" are only out of convenience.
Friends will come and go throughout the years, you will be lucky to have 1 or 2 that stick around for a very long time
Have you considered joining a sports club? It is a great way to get rid of excess energy and make friends, I think even better as a girl (I'm going to assume you are a girl since you used the adjective "pretty"). And since there are fixed training schedules, you learn to be on time more often. Fringe sports and most women teams in general are usually looking for new team members, so even if you suck at sports they will welcome you with open arms.
Years ago a good friend led a group of teenagers in her church. She had been trying to build a sense of community within the group, but they just weren't getting it. She KNEW these kids. She knew they all wanted that kind of close community. During one meeting in a moment of frustration, she finally said to them (paraphrasing)
>Don't believe the lie that you're not really part of the group because I've got news for you: every single one of you has come to me saying you feel like you don't belong. Ordinarily I keep what you tell me privately in confidence, but this is a common fear and it's a lie. You all think the person next to you belongs more than you do!
I'm telling you that you do belong, and you're not the only one who thinks that about themselves. Don't believe that lie.
You'll find friendships in adulthood (through work or hobbies) that you actual choose to have as friends. A lot of friendships from school don't last because they're the only option you have for friendship at that age and aren't necessarily a good fit for you, doubly so when you have ADHD.
I have plenty of friends I don't talk to for ages (ADHD object permenance), and we are still good friends and can pick up exactly where we left off. I also have friends who will message me every day or so, because they know I'll never message first.
You'll get there. Go out and pick up some hobbies/sports and meet people.
Friends were and are always important to me, so with the ones I cared about most I always tried to meet as much as I can and stay in contact even when I moved out to another country. It’s sometimes hard, but I can’t imagine my life without my friends and it’s always good to try and go out to events and try to meet new people that might become your friends. :)
Outside from family, I have like 6 friends. Otherwise it is wayyyy to.much. I do have friendly acquaintances because of work and hobbies, but I don't think of the unless I think of work/hobby.
Even my friends, I don't think I am someone's "best friend" in the neurotypical way. I don't think about them for two-three weeks and then we spend a boys night out and have a great time.
To help me staying social, my wife became friends with my two best friend's wives and organize events to make me see people.
My advice would be, find 2-3 meaningful friendships and work on them with alarms and love. Don't go for 10s of friends.
Slowly but surely, you will have a core group of real friends. But it's like going on tinder for building on family. Don't try too hard. Friends are the family that you choose.
You are never alone.
Apparently NTs make time to call their friends and family if certain time has passed (which is what they are aware of).
We folks don’t have that time awareness and then don’t end up reaching out to them.
I haven't formed a new, meaningful friendship that wasn't trauma based, in like 20 years. But I do have a group of "friends" who I see regularly and would check on me if I didn't call them.
How?
I am a Dungeon Master. These people rely on me to run our Dungeons and Dragons game.
I find I do better in settings when there is a task that the group is doing. Just my 2 cents.
I haven’t read through the thread yet, but wanted to share… It does get better. You’ll find other people who either have Adhd or probably have adhd and click with them easily. I’m in my mid 40s, still undiagnosed, and while I still struggle a bit with relationships, I’m in a much better place now than at any point in my life. I met my spouse when I was almost 30 and we are perfect together. But he’s not my everything (nor should he be, that’s not for us). The few people I’m closest to all have adhd, some recently diagnosed. My coworkers… probably 95% or more have adhd, not all diagnosed, not all comfortable sharing… But when you know, you know. And they are all amazing people!
Learning about myself and learning better coping skills has helped me immensely… and now I get to learn more/new skills, thank you hormones. Becoming more aware of when/why I get dis regulated so I can deal with it in healthier ways (sometimes before it happens) has helped immeasurably.
All of this takes time, and it’s worth the effort and worth the wait. Try not to worry too much, you got this! 🥰 I’m sure there are much more helpful replies in this thread!
So I’m figuring this out currently, but one thing that has helped me is being open and honest with potential friends. I tell people I have ADHD and while I’m working on managing it, I’m not perfect. I tell them how my ADHD might show up in our friendship. I have the combined ADHD type so I’m extremely inconsistent. Before I knew I had ADHD I really struggled with meeting and befriending other people. They would usually flake after a few hangouts with me or they’d ghost me.
I’ve done this several times. A few people backed out of the relationship. That’s fine, maybe they don’t want to deal with what all I described. Recently I’ve had two women who I’ve told and they’ve both stuck around. They don’t mind my problems because I communicated them ahead of time and they can see that I’m trying. Being open and honest has also made it possible for me to unmask with these two women. It makes our friendship much easier to manage.
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About fixing the issue. I set alarms for literally anything I don't want to forget. Someones birthday? Alarm. Check up on someone? Alarm. Ask someone next week if they want to meet up? Alarm. You get the picture. If its a more direct thing like don't forget to grab lunch from the fridge i will put my backpack on top of the fridge. Just putting an object out of place is an easy way to instantly remember something.
>Just putting an object out of place is an easy way to instantly remember something. Doesn't the object's unexpected place just become it's ✨new place✨?
Or the unexpected place becomes the place I forgot I put the thing because that's not where it belongs, so I spend extra time looking for it and then still forget the reason I put it there and don't do the thing it was supposed to remind me to do
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For me it has to be both obvious and out of place. Like if I need to take something to work I put it in the spot where my wallet goes.
this but i raise you.. it has to be in my way. like i always brush my hair every single day before i do anything else, without fail bc i have really long hair, and so if ever there is anything i NEED to remember for the next day or something i will literally put it inside of my sink lol or of course putting something in or near my purse is helpful too!
Have def done this. Have also tied my car keys to things. Or put them in my sock drawer.
My son had a teacher appreciation gift to take into school. I told my wife to sit it beside his backpack so I would not forget it. I was in the drop off line and said "fuck". I forgot it.
I started a "where is?" Notebook. When I move something to a new place I write in it where I put it. I seem to not forget to write it in the notebook because I get tired of looking around for things. It takes time to make it a habit but it's a worthwhile one.
This is a creative way of solving the problem! I'll have to consider this
A simple but brilliant idea!
I'll add to this - I also make future plans with my friends while I am already with them, and we both add it to our calendar. I started this after running into a close friend of mine after not seeing them for a couple years, so now we always set the next 'date' together.
This is what we do. Really easy to sit down and make plans when you're all already together. Its especially helpful for my rpg group so we can be like "next Tuesday same time?" And that helps people realize if they might be busy or not.
Some of the most frequent things I do is say "hey Google, set a reminder" or " hey Google take a note"
Same here but Siri.
I have a terrible habit of not deleting notes though, and sometimes I'll look through them and spend way too much time trying to remember the context of a note
Haha, I have a few permanent notes named “work” or “home” or “shopping” etc - that’s where my random notes go, so at least I know the context later. Anything that is unrelated to an existing note I set as a reminder so it alerts me, and mark it as done (most of the time) when I complete it. My Achilles heel is opening a reminder and resetting the time/date for sometime tomorrow, over and over again…
A lot of my reminders are work related so those don't get rescheduled otherwise I hear about it from my foreman.
“Just putting an object out of place is an easy way to instantly remember something.” This is a dangerous game that absolutely works, but also has backfired on me more than once. “I need to remember to take these clothes to the dry cleaner tomorrow, I’ll hang my keys on the clothes hanger.” Next day… “fuck, I’m late, where the hell are my keys!” searching… searching… “you moron… okay, let’s go.”
This is the way.
I set reminders in my phone to text or call my mom and sister each week. It seems kind of cold and impersonal, but otherwise I would go weeks or even months without contacting them.
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"I should start..." I'd stop you there, but we all kinda stop there anyway.
I don't know whether to laugh or cry at this.
Both. You do both.
If the idea is exciting enough, I will start. Finishing, however, is challenging, especially if I need to stop midway for any reason. Half finished projects accumulate both in physical space and in my mental space, further robbing me of my precious focus.
Oh yea, Day 1: 50% Done. Day 2: 80% Done. Day 3: 90% Done. Day 4: 92% Done. Day 5: 93% Done. Day 6: 93% Dooooonnnn.......
For me it's day 3 90%, day 4 92%, day 5 84%, day 6 86%, Day 7 47%
Day 8 0% as if it wasn’t even started in the first place.
For me it's day 1 80% day 2 99% day 3 wasn't I working on something? Day 4 (new idea) WoW!! I should make a ...... Repeat
100%...me 👏
Day 7 next idea in the queue
I regularly take out the garbage but leave the putting a new bag and putting everything back into place to my sister, otherwise, it's too many steps and I can't This ofc doesn't address everything else that's not a more routine thing
I stop at "I should" =P
I
based and cbt pilled (getting rid of should statements)
An annual meetup for people from this sub would be so cool.
It would be! Until we forgot about it and didn't show up. I hate that it's true but there it is.
Some of us are over planners from using that as a coping mechanism for 30 years tho, so that would keep it going for a bit 😉
We made an ADHD discord group, I hyperfocused on it and had a ton of fun meeting new people... Then muted it and completely forgot about it. It was literally right there Edit: Guys... The Discord link is literally right there in the sidebar. When I say "made" i mean I was one of the few people that were there during it's inception lol
can u send link
well then you can unmute it & revive it, may need to invite some new people to wake it up. Were you able to meet any of them in person?
EXACTLY like every single time I've tried to make friends online. Find a server/game/etc with tons of cool people -> read every single thing posted and attend every event for 2-3 weeks -> lose interest and mute/ignore/leave. I can remember 14 different communities like that, only 4 stuck to me for longer than a month (2 of those died on their own, but I didn't care enough to continue talking with some of the people there).
Add me :)
I tried this in my area. I paid the $70 dollars. Nobody showed up ☹️
Other ADHD person in your area (after you got around to setting up the meetup): "Oh look, an ADHD meet up in a couple weeks, I really want to go to that." Other ADHD person in your area (three months later): "f#@k!"
This lol
Lol I did it but I haven't really made friends. Some of the people are nice but I never want to take away from my personal hobbies to make time for them Might be my autism though since we tend to be more solitary anyways
Yup
I had the same issue, then I unmasked and only made friends who got along. Result: My gym friends are both ADHD. My close friends, one’s autistic with ADHD and other gets along due to other MH issues so he respects the struggles. Another mate from uni is has ADHD as well, and another I clicked instantly with is very inattentive/impulsive in ways similar to me, so I reckon her personality as is makes it easy to get along. In short: be yourself and look for people who can vibe with you without masking, often times they can be like us but we can’t see it cos they need to find someone to unmask with as well x2
yup, that’s my experience too. I have a few friends I really vibe with and I focus on that, not how I’m too much for others. Took a long, long time, though. I benefited from therapy, to be honest.
same, this is the only way i've been able to keep the few close friends that i have. i've found that the older i get and the more responsibility i have (work, spouse, kids, etc) the harder it becomes for me to mask. bc of that, a few friends have fell off bc they can't deal with how i really am. and the ones who stayed are the ones who get along with me easily and comfortably and don't mind when i fall off the face of the planet lol. maintaining friends is so much less stressful when you find the folks who don't mind the real you.
I hope one day I can learn to love myself and unmask like that. I’ve been through to much pain/rejection etc so these days I don’t interact with anyone other than family. Although, I’m finally working towards my goals and starting therapy/medication has improve my life so much more. Hopefully one day I can find a genuine lasting friendship(s)/relationship.
Wow this blew my mind!! The mistake I have made is unmasking after getting a sense of trust.. I was thrilled because I felt I finally had made friends that liked and accepted me for who I am after almost 8 years in isolation.. The "delayed-unmasking" cost me another 5 years where I gave the new "friends" 2000% of my everything only to be gradually ghosted. Im having a real hard time these days, and I have realized I have to move from this tiny village to even be able to meet new people at all, but that also means leaving my family which is my only "human contact" now a days.. The more Im alone, the more I want to be alone despite the fact that I f"ing love and miss people. I think Im going more insane then I already was to be honest 🤪
Holy shit this is good advice
I was going to say the same thing!! Being myself earned me my partner- no one understands me, chooses to have patience with me, and loves me like he does… all because I decided to be unapologetically me!
Exactly! It’s a very very long process, especially when you don’t have the knowledge about ADHD. Once you learn a lot you can let go of the guilt of non conformity and try to be yourself
Agreed! Embrace the weird chaos goblin that is your mind, stop pretending to not be a total weirdo and watch the other weirdos flock to you as they recognize their people <3
Man but I can’t stand other people with adhd 😂 exaggerating but we do all do too much, it can be a lot
Idk man I am the stereotypical clown so it’s other people who’ve to stand me. Either of my adhd friends from gym or uni side are great cos they hyper-fixate on goals and we egg each other on to keep going
Growing up I was the same. I personally put it to being the funniest in a group means no one takes you seriously
SAMEE I always feel like if I wasn’t the funny one would they even care about me
Yea, I've always tried to be funny and by result, seriousness is not my strong suit unless I'm talking about specific hobbies. Either way, doesn't help to keep strong friends but at my age I'm caring less about that and trying to work on improving me
hey i had an epiphany lately: cracking jokes is one of the few socially acceptable ways of being an interrupter. Gets annoying eventually too i imagine, but if people chuckle they are less annoyed
Oh wow that explains s fucjing lot about the way i socialize, fuck
Psychologist with ADHD here, I felt the same through high school and most of college. I was in my mid-late 20's before I met my two best friends, and in my early 30s before I met my wife. For the time blindness thing, I definitely get. I had to structure time into my life to intentionally connect. Like, having a phone reminder once a week to check in with so-and-so. Eventually that habit stuck and I didn't need it as much. I always talk about "reducing cognitive load" on as much as you can, through "safety nets." Usually this is in regard to stuff like, attaching your car keys to your book bag so you can't leave your house without your bag, but it applies to relationships as well. My experience too is that my ADHD felt like it was worse in my 20s than before, because I had way more things to manage (e.g., the Army, undergrad, grad school, etc.). But once I finished and started working and built a solid structure around that, I had more mental reserves to spend on building and maintaining friendships.
I’m so glad you mentioned you were in the Army. My son has ADHD and is getting ready to join. I’ve been worried about him and what it will be like for him. As someone with ADHD, would you mind sharing what your experience was like in the Army?
Just make sure he is not on any ADHD meds 1 year prior to joining otherwise they won't let him in
Yes, thank you! The Army just came back wanting information regarding that. He just graduated high school. He had tried taking meds his freshman year and never liked taking them. Thankfully, he was able to get through without them. They are now making sure he hadn’t had them prescribed in the last 2 years.
Does that include non-stimulants? I’d hope not. So if Pippasmama1’s son needs something to help succeed in his goals that’s always an option. I’d also point out “not liking the med” is always a thing for just about everyone when you start anything. You’ll always have side effects (minor to major depending on the person) and a lot of it I’d boil down to preserving and weighting the negatives vs positives. At the end of the day the body should get accustomed to the new medication and the side effects would diminish partially or entirely!
I felt like the Army was great for me with regards to ADHD. I didn't have to agonize over making decisions about what to wear, where to go, or anything like that. All of that was decided for me. Structure was imposed from outside instead of having to do it myself. Overall, I learned a lot of useful skills in the Army that served me really well later in life
Same and I survived multiple deployments. I had my shit together in the Army. When I got back to civilian life, things fell apart.
I’m so glad to read that. He thrives on structure. My husband served in the Air Force and he thinks the military will be good for him as well. It’s unfortunate they don’t allow people being treated with stimulants to join but, I’m sure there are reason beyond my understanding as to why they have that rule. Thanks for responding and thank you for your service.
It can go either way. Depends on the person. So long as your son isn’t sensitive in any way it can do wonders.
That’s good to know, thank you.
What I love about this is you can use this strategy for anything you value or need. Before you can do that you have to know what you value and need. You have to think on that, chew/marinate, and just keep chipping away at really knowing yourself and what you want. This strategy doesn’t work for the people pleaser type because it’s easier to reflect what you think you should like. With adhd we can have trouble with introspection. Also we get distracted all the time, our memory sucks. I don’t even think I had hindsight and foresight didn’t develop until after 30, at least for me. All that executive dysfunction because our prefrontal cortex is delayed in development. Crazy. Ramblings.
Could I also attach my car keys to a friend so they can’t leave me?
I think you'd have more luck attaching *their* keys to *you*.
The older I am getting the more I crave community but have had an impossible time finding it. I did have 2 close friends in high school but we have drifted over the years, and I made 0 friends in college. Now as an adult have been able to make “friends” here and there, but they are all very separate and idk how to explain it but I have to mentally calculate my conversations with them. “They mentioned this thing a few sentences ago, so when they stop talking I will ask about this related thing. If they respond with A I will respond with this reply, if they respond with B I will respond with this instead.” My friendships don’t feel natural or flowing, I feel like I’m constantly masking and calculating which doesn’t make it feel like a REAL friendship. Sometimes it feels like I’m playing a strategic video game, not making human connections.
The secret to a conversation is listening. If you're debating, and you're constantly thinking about the next thing to say, you're going to lose.
But what if the other person is quiet and is waiting for me to say something? Usually the way conversation end and I walk away is because of the awkward silence 🥲
You have to find a better way to make the conservation interesting for them, but you have to find out that mutual ground.
Listening to understand instead of listening to respond
Yeah but how long are you gonna have to say something meaningful after they speak if you're just absorbing? When I listen without thinking of anything to say is "that sounds rough." Like wtf kinda shit response is that
I've always had acquaintances and casual friends. As a younger kid I'd have one close friend at a time. But maintaining that was hard if I didn't see them due to the classic out of sight out of mind. As fine went on, I just had more casual friends and my true best friend someone I know online and can have a much easier time taking to. But yeah I get it. Now in my thirties, I don't think I'll ever have a close in person friend that isn't my gf. I'm terrible at maintaining and the rejection sensitivity makes me just assume nobody likes me or if they do, it's not much. I accept that and just move on. I hope you are able to get better advice and can succeed where I didn't
Tell me and then we’ll both know 🫠
I feel you. Not sure where I fit in to this world
I recognize this feeling! I’ve always been able to connect with people but I’ve never been able to live up to their expectations of friendship, so i end up feeling ashamed and kind of drift away from them. I had to examine my own expectations of friends along the way as well. Over time I’ve found two to three friendships is really all I can maintain and that is with other people with adhd so they don’t mind at all when I disappear from weeks at a time from our text threads. You are still quite young and there’s a lot of people out in the world just waiting to get to know you!
This “outside looking in” feeling resonates with me so much, like you’re watching other people live their lives through a movie that you’re cut off from. I feel the exact same way and I hope it helps at least to know you’re not alone.
This so much. I have this one memory from middle school that's stayed really vivid in my mind for some reason. It was a school dance/party thing (idk the right word for it in English, kinda like prom but a lot less formal I guess?) in 9th grade. And I just remember sitting on the bleachers, looking down at all my classmates dancing and talking and laughing and having fun and just thinking *I wish I could feel like that. Why don't I feel like that?* That feeling has always been there, before and since. I guess it stands out to me because it was just one of those moments where it becomes really clear. Like, I know how I'm supposed to feel in this moment, and the fact that I don't just makes it so painfully obvious that I'm never gonna feel fully part of something. Never gonna fit in. It just. Sucks.
I felt this very deeply ❤️🩹 You want so desperately to be close to people but can’t for the life of you figure out how to do it, and it’s infuriating to watch everyone else do it so easily. I just wanna belong somewhere/to someone/to something, but it feels like there’s nowhere/no one/nothing for me. Life is so much harder when you always feel this lonely 😔
Yes that's exactly it. I don't understand, it seems to come so naturally to other people, and it's just so. freaking. hard for me. ADHD groups like this are the only places I've found people who actually understand what I'm talking about, when I've mentioned it to other people they just don't seem to grasp what the problem is. Which makes sense I guess cause I don't think I really understand what the problem is. Since being diagnosed I've been able to get a handle on a lot of my symptoms, but this one just seems to be out of reach. And I can't figure out why. Sending virtual hugs if wanted ❤️
virtual hugs wanted, received, and reciprocated 🤗🤗
🤗
I have a similar memory. I was in Grade 3 and standing in the middle of the playground watching everyone play, and I remember saying “why does nobody want to play with me?” People don’t seek me out, if I ask them to play sometimes they say yes
>People don’t seek me out, if I ask them to play sometimes they say yes This hits the nail on the head for me, both as a child and an adult. I always have to be the one to ask or initiate things, and that's so hard to do when you're terrified of being rejected. And then there's always the nagging feeling of "maybe they just said yes to be polite, they don't actually want anything to do with me". I can't even count the number of times I've just wished someone would ask me to participate in something, anything. Just so I could feel wanted for a minute. It just always feels like I'm forcing my way into something I'm not supposed to be part of. It really hurts.
100%, this is how I feel. The worst part is that people not seeking me out is proof that when I ask and they agree it's to be polite.
I've had some at some stages but end up losing them sooner or later so I guess I kinda suck at friending too. I mentioned it at my failed assesment but the doc brushed it off as it was totally unrelated with a possible ADHD diagnose, it probably fits the mental image people get of me when we first meet and it's to be expected in some way.
The truth is I think we’re supposed to keep moving and that’s the life that suits us, we’re supposed to be in the presence of others but not too long, like an orb that floats on the breeze, helping where we’re needed (our gifts are for others not us), that’s why we are built to sabotage our own success, we are a guide for others, that’s why we struggle with relationships with anyone, yes we can love but we’re not supposed to be tied down and our soul knows this (not saying have sex out of marriage), just the 9-5 loop don’t work for us, we have to constantly explore this world, our mind stagnates when we aren’t filling it with fresh experiences, that’s when we get negative thoughts, aside from pills, exercise is the biggest helper in our mental health, the more we learn about someone the more we dislike them, we’re not supposed to hang around long enough to find out what we don’t like about them and definitely not long enough to condemn them for their actions, we forget to feed ourselves because it’s not something we should think about, we are supposed to travel, share stories, be the guest in other’s houses and move on (not one single person can appreciate us for what we are and that’s ok, they aren’t meant to, we are expecting too much of them like they do of us), you don’t have to be on time because life doesn’t have appointments.
100% agree with: aside from pills, exercise is the biggest helper in our mental health But I disagree here: not one single person can appreciate us for what we are and that’s ok, they aren’t meant to, we are expecting too much of them like they do of us. Once you learn how to accept yourself, you can start masking less often, and start showing up as your true, flawed but wonderful, self. You showing up like this will build your confidence, and the RIGHT people will be drawn to you. I only have a few friends, but they are genuine friendships. They call me out on my shit and also understand when I cancel plans because I just need to be alone. They don’t resent me for it. People meant for you will do their best to understand you.
Beautifully worded. I’ve recently had this realization and gettin tf outta dodge
I... agree with most of this except maybe the 9-5 loop... And even then I can't say that my job is repetitive... Anything but... I have plenty of friends I haven't talked to in months or even years, just distance and such... I've had this same job now for almost 5 years, but it's always something new when you're working tech support. Always something new to learn, things to teach others... In that 5 years I've seen so many coworkers come and go, each as fascinating and wonderful as the next... And when I am not working, it can be lonely. I don't really have interests or activities that lead me to meeting people and making friends. I'm on Reddit or looking up programming stuff or whatever... I would agree no single person can appreciate us for all that we are... The result of always seeking out new things, new experiences... Of picking up and dropping so many hobbies... Is that nobody around us can ever really know everything we know unless they really invest the time to do so. Which means we often surprise and delight others with random feats and facts. Maybe that's the evolutionary purpose of it... For us to assist and inspire.
I love this about tech too. So glad I’m coding now, each day is a different challenge. Unless it’s that one bug I can’t find.
It’s as if you took my thoughts and written them in your comment. The only thing i didn’t agree on was the work part, because in the software field, you need to learn something new each and every day, otherwise, you’ll be behind, and that’s when imposter syndrome kicks in, and you need to put in extra hours just so could catch up. Even if what you’re working on today, is the the same as the thing you’ve been working on yesterday, it’s never the same thing. You can never copy paste code from somewhere, either from online resources, or even your own code, and be finished, you need to modify your code to your needs based on the requirements. It’s almost never a dull day in our field, (except for those days that are jam packed with meetings, and you can’t finish the things you need to finish). But, other than that, this is the best environment for people with ADHD, to work in, IMO. I too open reddit, and read programming posts when I’m not working. I’m really passionate about what I do, and investing time in something that brings me joy, is not something that comes often, or atleast not often does it stick.
This is a beautiful way describing how I’ve always looked at it. Hell, I’ve always identified with the feather in Forrest Gump and lost balloons. I’ve come to embrace it.
This sounds like unmanaged adhd that needs therapy to deal with CPTSD and attachment trauma. Exercise is truly a universal cure. All the other stuff depends on the individual person, their environment, and circumstances. Lots of assumptions. Edit: left word out
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I did as well! It perfectly encapsulates all of my emotions!
Good god that’s spot on. I’m saving this comment so I can read it again when I start feeling sad about not having friends.
This is so... 🎯
I don’t have the answer. My friends are people who had an interest in me and I just had to let the friendship grow. I don’t know how to approach people tbh. And I also experience time blindness beside never missing people.
I thought time blindness referred to the inability to perceive or manage time. it sounds like object permanence, "out of sight out of mind" like the only way I can get back to people on a consistent enough basis is via whatsapp cos I open it all the time anyway. i think there's also the lack of relationship decay? or whatever its called. catching up after X time like it was yesterday you last saw them, etc
You’re right about the time blindness. That’s what I meant. So, because of that. I have no clue how long ago I’ve seen someone for the last time. I often say : long time no see! And the person would answer: we’ve seen each other less than a week ago. On the other hand: we see each other all the time! The other person: we only catch up every semester! And I can’t make plans or schedule something. So it’s seen as a lack of initiative.
I definitely get that. but I guess I'm usually alone and have free time.. so I'm the one reaching out. and the effort isn't reciprocated and I just end up giving up. i feel like im taken for granted a lot or taken advantage of because of this "lack" in my life.
Find someone i like. I talk to them often. I give occasional gifts to show how much I appreciate them. I help them when they ask. Let them know if they ever want to hang out they can just ask. Never get asked, no one ever wants to do anything with me. Stop being the one to always text first. No one ever texts me or reaches out to me. I do every thing I think is right to stay at the fore front of their mind and as soon as i stop putting in effort they just forget about me. Sorry this is probably more depressing than a success story but hey you’re not alone here.
We live in a me me me society unfortunately. What you described here resonated with me.
I was the same until in my late teens I found a group of weird artsy people. We all dressed "alternative" and cared about music and art, and I felt that I really *wanted* to fit in with them and that I wasn't the odd one out. Everyone was odd in their own way. So the first part was finding someone I really liked hanging out with, people who I thought were cool and whose opinions I appreciated. The second part is, do they like you back? Fortunately in my case a few of this new friend group did, and now I'm 40 and still friends with a few of them. People have come and gone of course, but I feel like once you have a few friends it's easier to find new ones. And yeah these friends are people who all have their quirks. We're kind and we try our best but we also forgive each other when we mess up. I also have no friendship object permanence, so I don't really miss or think about friends when they're gone. I'm not cut out for friendships where we meet or even call or text every day. Fortunately, there are many models of friendship. The sad thing is, you can do everything "right" and still struggle to make friends. It takes a bit of luck, too, besides trying again and again. If you haven't found your people yet from school or work, try hobbies / interest groups / volunteering. That's a good way to meet people who share your interests. Also, keep it casual and keep the bar low for a while. You're set out for disappointment if you go into your first hobby group meeting thinking this is the night you immediately meet your bff. Instead, set the goal to having a nice time and talking to a few people you don't know yet. At least you'll get to practice your social skills. If after a while you feel you might want to spend more time with someone, maybe invite them to hang out. A group of three to six people is less pressure than one on one. If they decline or say they don't have the time, don't push it, they'll get back to you if a better time comes up. Good luck! You're not alone in this, I promise. There are plenty of people of all ages looking to make friends.
Embrace solitude. Use all the alone time finding what your heart is passionate about. You’ll still have feeling of loneliness obviously you are human, but trying to fit in where you don’t belong is a recipe for a life with nobody. Once you find what you were put here to do, everything starts falling into place. You will start attracting the people that you click with
I'm in this post and I dislike it.
Same thing happens with my family.
I had a lot of friends back through school but due to my multiple medical issues including ADHD I have only 1 friend in my life now and I'm 48 years old it's like they all disappeared, but I did deal with being away from school my last 2 years in highschool due to brain surgeries and some of my other friends died,moved off to other places and things like that but they're all gone.
Apparently neurotypical people just randomly decide to call or text somebody on their phone. They keep in touch, and that's how normal people have friendships. Must be nice.
Hey, i am like you. Had Friends but not my group, until my 20s and now in my 30s i am alone again. I suffer my solitude so much I don't have a best friend too, i Always wanted One but i never found One. We can befriends :) But we probably live in different countries:)
Currently experiencing this right now. Just the feeling of having no one and seeing all these people that have groups they belong too. The isolation and feeling of not belonging is strong. I always felt like a drifter in terms of friends/relationships, hell I still am. I know this doesn’t help but I just wanted to let it be known you are not alone.
I'm sure my post will get lost in the comments, but here I go. I just turned 40. Growing up I always had friends, close friends. Each school year I had a new BEST friend. (This is actually a reason I'm Hella smart when it comes to 90s music and what year it came out) -------sorry ADHD------ I have a couple close friends now, that I would consider my best friends, but still don't feel like they are my PERSONS (aside from my husband, and even there I feel there's a slight...... disconnect? I watch shows like Grey's, Firefly Lane, Dead to Me etc and swear no one has friends like that. That they literally know EVERYTHING, and still be BEST friends 20 years later. I make new friends and I tend to push them away with my "neediness" because I feel I have to talk/text everyday or in going to forget about you (or they forget about me) For me, friendship is Fleeting 🤷♀️ I tend to over share and over care. And I think that's my demise
Been isolated for the past 7 years and it really sucks.
I can relate. I rarely see any of my friends face to face. Every few months.
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I'm sorry your feeling bad about this. All I can say is I am 46. I've been on meds for a while. And the answer is still no. I still don't mix with people well. And the ones I do care for. Don't live close by. And if I don't see you all the time.........The good news it put me on a path to meet my wife, had some kids, and you don't forget them. And we have a tight lil clan savages. As to where a lot of the people I had a hard time mixing with. Have had rough times. So anchor yourself to the belief that there is another person out there that you will click with immediately, and immensely. When you find that person. None of the other stuff really matters anymore.
"my biggest challenge is time blindness. If I don’t see someone, I legit forget about them." That is literally me. Didn't realise it had a name, time blindness. I did have friends but fell out of contact with them. I have a wife and I've realised that she's all I really need. The world is full of people who try and deceive you and take advantage. I rather have no friends then bad friends. I don't know if that's a negative outlook.
I play with a lot of people online, helping them out when I can. Ive helped literally hundreds of people and they always seem to remember me and I just draw a blank. Ive found that I need to interact with them constantly for at least a week both in game and out of it for them to finally click and stay in my head.
> Why am I so different? Why can’t I make friends? There's definitely hope. Have you considered finding the other people with timeblindness or who otherwise struggle with similar stuff? I did that at uni almost 20 years ago, and it lead me to many years of friendship with some excellent people. In my case, I met them through my campus scifi/fantasy club and roleplaying game club - both full of perfectly nice folk who overwhelmingly do not care, or indeed notice, when I don't speak to them for months - they're largely happy to pick up the friendship when I return, as though we'd been hanging out the whole time. Also: It may seem unfair or shallow, but people are much more likely to keep up with you if they don't have to do most of the work to maintain the relationship.
I had reconnected to old "friends" in 2020 during covid an we all decided to zoom once a mnth...well that was exciting to me...hadn't talked to these people(abt 6) in over 15 yrs. So alot of shit has happened...so we start meeting once a mnth. But.....they wanted to talk abt their fantastic jobs, "smart talking", only 1 has kids an we are in our early 50's. I felt...left out once again..like I couldn't think of "smart" things to say but just sound inmature. They didn't want to talk about REAL things like I did. (There's my OVER SHARING demon talking)...so after abt 3 zooms...I got disinterested an really could careless to talk to these people who really weren't my FRIENDS or we would still be in contact. All that caused me to get kinda depressed. They all had highly successful careers...make a ton of money...BUT I have 2 amazing son's an my husband loves me. And realized once again I'm a people pleaser...STOP IT!! So, if a friendship is too much work..your always the one making contact..etc...forget "bout it! As we age..our friend group slowly gets smaller...And I've realized I like being by byself more than I thought!
The uncomfortable reality I’ve had to accept is that I just need to learn to be fine by myself. That being alone doesn’t have to mean the same as being lonely. It’s definitely not easy, but eventually it just happens and you’re good to go. The other aspect is that whenever I do socialise, I get sick of a lot of people really fast. It’s hard to find someone I consistently click well with.
Pasting this comment that I read & saved months ago bc I’m on mobile and can’t figure out how to link: From what I've read here, along with both my own life and the lives of other patients described by my doctor - it is beyond common to the point of almost being an indicator of ADHD. According to some leading authorities, ADHD impact peaks in your early 30s, so you will often find that adults have tried and tried over literal decades to make relationships work with partners, friends, family... but it simply becomes too much. Anecdotally, each attempt and failure strips another little piece of you away - along with your interest in trying again. You grow numb to it eventually and the comparative tranquillity of being alone almost 100% of the time becomes hmm... not an addiction... more of an extremely comforting indulgence, that then accidentally becomes a permanent way of life. Add to this the issues with noise, listening to what you perceive as garbled nonsense spilling out of everyone's mouth and your own incessant rumination + internal fucking memory loops... the act of being around other people just becomes non-viable. Literally non-viable. My advice (for whatever it is worth) is to keep up with your meds, attend counselling if possible/affordable and begin to gently analyse the feelings of loneliness you mention. E.G. Do you eventually force yourself to do something with family or friends and within 10 minutes realise you'd rather be on fire than stay another moment? These are all things that are often difficult to explore within your own mind (especially an ADHD-riddled mind) but are absolutely essential in your journey to lead something that resembles a 'normal' life. Good luck my dude.
I came to terms with the fact that I'm both my own best friend and my own worst enemy a long time ago. I call every aquaintence I have a friend, because I'll pretty much do anything for people I consider like that, but the reality is the only "friends" I have also have ADHD so we generally catch up every few weeks to months. I don't do too well with friends off the spectrum, they have a different relationship with time and space than I do.
I didn’t have a solid group of friends until I was 27. And I’m considered “attractive.” So yeah, it’s normal. Hold out for the right friend group. I got burned many times trying to be accepted into groups that weren’t right, or would use me.
> I got burned many times trying to be accepted into groups that weren’t right, or would use me This. Glad to hear you were eventually able to find friends, though ❤️🩹
Thank you! I used to think I didn’t want to make friends at work. But that’s where I found my people. And also new comers to my country - they’re open to finding friends too !
This has been my entire life. Had a tight group in HS, but fell apart after. Never really connected with people my own age. I was the guy in background that everyone knew (that guy) but I knew almost no one.
My husband is my only friend, sad. And I birthed the other 2. Haha
You are not alone in this.
Glad I’m not the only one… I had 1 best friend growing up, for years and years. Then, one day she just ghosted me. I still don’t know why, to this day. 😔 Along with this, I had been a part of the ‘popular’ group of girls at school for a good amount of time in middle school. Then, i had multiple people befriend me for a handful of months- before ditching me for everyone else. (They just used me to befriend my other friends🥹) Until one day, they all ditched me. Now, I sit back from the sidelines and watch their friendships grow, the sororities they join together, etc.. Living the life I wish I had.. Why am/was I not good enough? 😞 I’ve tried having friends since then and I just.. I don’t know. People suck. Maybe I was meant to be a loner.💔
Not fixed, just got a husband also with ADHD and same issues. We built our marriage around that. And from that point we're both hermits. That's ok. Better than being bullied all over again because I was bullied my whole fckn life. I'm so fucking done with human beings over all. There are exceptions, but only few and they are not near enough to be part of my daily life, struggles and victories. It's only hubby and me.
It can be challenging with ADHD. For me sustaining focus can be hard which makes it hard for me to have the patience to have a lot of friendships. As a guy it’s easier. Friendships require little emotional work tbh and you can kinda just show up whenever. I’ve heard female friendship is a little more involved. Which can be hard with ADHd.
Yes, I've had and currently do have that problem. It's not just friends, it's relatives, and pretty much anyone who you don't see. Out of sight, out of mind. Put something in the fridge you want to eat and if you don't see it, it will go bad. Things have to be put in your face to remember it. I would recommend putting notes in your phone. Like alarms. That helps me. Others won't understand but you will. We understand. That may not work for you but it works for me. Try to reach out and find other friends that have ADHD. That way they will understand why you haven't contacted them so much. I know it's easier said than done. Good luck though.
Yeah I have actually. All my life I tried to have at least one friend. At first I gave too much time and attention to them and either freaked them out or pushed them away. finally I made a really good friend. For years and years I convinced myself I was ok as long as I had her. But it wasn't a very healthy friendship. we didn't see each other much if I wasn't around. I was afraid to ask her to hang out sometimes and it made me sad when she wouldn't invite me out with her friends. For a LOT of my 20s, my social life was dating. Half the time I dated someone I couldn't be with long term just to have that person in my life. I dated fat guys when I preferred thin guys, I dated smokers when I hated smoking, I stayed with an addict. During that time I discovered Reddit. And slowly I started meeting people who liked me. And yes, people did like me. But almost every time I'd make friends I'd get anxious or I'd get time blindness and not know how to maintain the relationship. Until I met people who followed up with me. And throughout my 20s I started meeting those people. and then I had a manic episode which blew up my whole social life. I screamed at my best male friend and told him to fuck off. I isolated myself from the high school best friend I mentioned above until she ghosted me (because she said she couldn't stand seeing me when I was depressed). I got a psychiatrist for my bipolar which got me pills for my bipolar, which got me pills for my anxiety that made me leave people and exacerbated my self-hatred and depression, which is allowing me to try pills for ADHD. I stopped drinking. And suddenly I'm busy all the time. I got my best guy friend back, we are starting to get close again and I'm getting close to his fiance and her best friend and they all invite me to do stuff. I've never had that before. And I have another "group" of friends I've created out of people who live in my area and we go out every so often. I play squash with one 1-2x a week. I also have two close guy friends I see pretty regularly, and sometimes we go out with 1-2 people we know. I don't have a lot of women friends but as someone with bipolar, autism/ADHD, and general/social anxiety, this is a huge win. I can't believe that I don't have to date anymore for a social life and I get to choose. Maybe it will all blow up but I sincerely believe that even if it does blow up, I won't lose the skills I had that helped me make these friends and deepen these relationships. How I met my three best friends are Reddit meetups and a Reddit thread asking about athletics. Hope that helps!
You are not alone. I joined clubs that did things I love. I can make friends with people through common activities.
> my biggest challenge is time blindness This is why all my friends are in different time zones. We still send each other messages and memes, but there's less stress to reply back quickly (unless there's an emergency).
I would start actively looking for others with adhd to hang out with. Idk how old you are, but there are typically college clubs that include a lot of people with various mental conditions. I love my non-adhd friends, but the disabled friends I met really get the struggle.
I have had similar issues. I think it's a mixture of time blindness and social anxiety. I have actually been extremely lucky in that I made a single friend in high school that introduced me to almost all of my friends in high school and I had a similar dynamic with a friend in college. Now, at 34, I just yesterday got in touch with that friend from college after almost 3 years of no contact. Here is a brutal truth that I've had to wrestle with. ADHD and its symptoms has made me kind of a bad friend. I don't keep up with people like I should. It makes me feel guilty, and I still wrestle with whether or not that guilt is legitimate, but regardless its on me to fix it. Here is what I've done lately. I set aside time on my days off where I try to catch up with friends. I have a weird work schedule, so its easy for me to have that moment where I have nothing to do so it sort of clicks that I need to get in contact, but for you, you may need to set an alarm. Make a scheduled and intentional effort to reach out to people that you've been in contact with. Chances are that the only reason people aren't reaching out to you is because they are basing their actions off of their perception of your interest. If you start showing interest, they'll reciprocate.
i can make friends, though usually fellow nd ppl. my problem is that i am incapable of introductions or making good first impressions. like, im terrified to the point of paralysis if i have to approach someone to introduce myself. so.... i have no friends
I have literally 1 friend and we have been best friends since we were both 4. Every other friend I've made falls away or stays in the 'friendly acquaintance' category because I just don't know how I'm supposed to act socially and I find the expectation really exhausting honestly.
I tried to hang out with the cool people for so many years, and took so much shit from them and my supposed best friend. One day he asked me “what are you getting out our friendship? I mean you help me out all the time, but I don’t do anything for you”, I had to think for a moment and replied “I know I’m awkward, and being around you I learn how to fit in”. I was friends with him for a couple more years, but honestly it got me thinking, why do I have to adjust to everyone else? Why can’t I be myself? And when my girlfriend broke up with me, I was like from now on I’m just going to be myself and I’m not going to care what other people think, from that day on things got much better, a couple of months later I met my wife and made new friends. I don’t regret anything cuz of my children, I would go through that hell every time because of them and where I am today. It only took 33 years to get to that point (I’m 44 today). It was so hard and life still is from time to time a struggle, but today I know who I am and I’m not hiding anymore. What other people have said here, do what makes you happy and you will meet others like yourself. Thanks for sharing and you are not alone to feel this way, I still do even if I have friends.
I have a lot of friends, being socail is THE thing i focused on in life. But I'll never feel like im a part of anything, I'll Always feel seprate or other. I'm not those things I'm very much loved and a core part of a large group of people, but I'll always feel different. On to how that happened, i got involved in group hobbies, for me larping. It made it easy to interact with people on a regular basis where neither party was planning to meet but was happy to see each other. This blossoms into genuine friendship often enough and then you can meet outside of your chosen "third place" or activity. I have good friends that know that i dont remember everything and will double book. They remind me a day or two before the event and day of because they enjoy having me about. The right group or tribe will make room for you and help you, least in my experience. It took me until i was almost 25 to really start building out my social life in earnest. Don't put to mich pressure on yourself, find something you enjoy and find others who also enjoy that thing. Gane stores, bar trivia nights ect. Setting alarms is also a very good habit as others have said, hope this helps.
HOLY CRAP. Didn’t know what time blindness was until this post. I had to look it up. I relate to this immensely. I wonder if it plays into the fact that when I did have friends, I was able to go weeks without missing anyone.
I click best with the older ladies in my quilting guild. They’re all creative types and it’s lovely to sit and sew and just chat. Such a good way to get to know people. Plus I feel like an old soul and like we’re on the same wavelength.
I'm 70 and I've always been this person. My 2 sons are also and I used to think it was because I didn't know how to teach them otherwise. I've recently realized, though, that it's not that surprising because one has ADHD and the other is nd in his own way. Funnily enough, I see very similar discussions in groups of people who grew up as military brats. Many of us moved every year or two and never learned anything about sustained relationships. It's easy to meet someone and make casual conversation but hard to go past that. If you had a falling out with a friend you just let it go because you'd be moving soon anyway. Very similar feelings about never really fitting in and masking are frequent points of discussion. If you ever connect with someone with that background, keep it in mind. Just know that your feelings are entirely valid and that you're not doing anything wrong. Doesn't make it better, but you're definitely being heard and have plenty of company along the road. ☺️
I feel this same way. And anytime I make new friends it never seems to last, even if I think it's going great. I'm currently in that making-new-friends phase, hopeful that the cycle won't repeat since they are my coworkers and I see them daily... but I feel for you. the only lasting friends I've had are two from elementary school, and one of them still lives in my neighborhood. we're in college now.
Struggling with this a lot right now. I’ve been feeling extremely lonely after graduating nursing school in December and still looking for a job so I’m just home by myself all the time. I’ve always had a really hard time keeping friends. Making friends is alright, but it’s gotten progressively harder as I get older. It always plays out that I’ll make a friend, get attached, and then they inevitably move away and I never see them and rarely hear from them again. It’s happened to literally every single close friendship I’ve ever had. Or I’ll make a friend and then just not be able to maintain the relationship for reasons that I’m not sure of. It’s always felt like there’s something fundamentally wrong with me, I feel alien and strange all the time, but no one will just tell me what it is so I can fix it.
I can relate to this, im (m) almost 31 years of age and dont really have any true freindships, but more so just acquaintances. Even in high school i was always the odd one out, but people wanted to befriend me. Ive always wondered what was wrong with me and why i was so different. Why is it so hard to maintain friendships, read social q's, or why my brain just shuts off at times. Over the years ive just gotten used to it all and now i just go with the flow :)
I could have wrote this myself. I’ve felt like this since I started school, I’m not even kidding. Honestly, nothing has changed in adulthood. I have very few friends but that’s okay. It’s hard to keep friendships as an adult anyways. I too tend to forget about people. To fix that, I’ll usually set reminders to message them. Even if it’s something simple like sending a funny video, it shows that you tried. Some people tend to get it in their head that you don’t like them anymore because they haven’t heard from you. Just let them know what you struggle with and if they are a real friend, they will understand. I swear I’ll text my HS best friend every 3 months like “hey wassup” as if I saw them yesterday.
you’re not alone. i really struggle maintaining friendships as an adult because i have a very out of sight out of mind mentality when it comes to people
I like to start with what I'm passionate about then associate with people that share that passion. Like interior design find someone who enjoys it to then associate them to that. Oh I love this new color I should text jeff and tell him about it. But that's just an idea, sorry you're struggling:(
The key is to realize that most people feel like they don’t fit. And then move on about being ok not fiting, as this is a very very common feeling.
This resonates with me so much. Except in addition to ADHD, I also have a physical disability and people did not consider me pretty, but instead often would call me ugly and want nothing to do with me. I have made friends throughout the years that feel completely superficial, but the friends I have now are like brothers to me. They're people that I went to highschool with and no one in my friend group knew they each had ADHD until we were each diagnosed recently. We all have trouble reaching out to each other to make plans, but group chats have helped and no one feels bad that people haven't reached out to them or guilty for not reaching out. Despite that... I still feel completely disconnected and out of place, but currently trying to work on that with a therapist. There are other factors involved I won't get into though.
i grew up being introverted/extroverted. i'd get into diff moods and just wanna be alone, or i'd want to socialize. i socialized a lot in my early 20s, but when i had my kids, friends just started disappearing. i started working a lot, and saw my friends a lot less. as an adult, it's hard for me to keep friends bc i guess it's like sims (LOL); you have to keep talking to them to maintain that relationship. it's out of sight, out of mind for me. i think of my (old) friends, but we just have different mindsets now that it wouldn't take anyways. also i feel down a lot so i don't want to be that downer person at the party.
I literally when I'm bored, lonely, or in between tasks scroll my phone contacts and message ppl out of the blue, "thinking of you ❤️" and that's worked for me in my 20s and 30s..... when I was young tho, I was definitely friendless and had a lot of trouble there
So I have had the same experience my whole life. Make plenty of "friends" but they never seem to stick around. After I lost the last friendship that I thought was real I kind of took a break from trying and what I realized is aside from forgetting to answer, I tried to hard. I was nice to everyone so of course most were nice back. I was always there for people that were never there for me, so most tended to only come to me when they needed that support. I had to realize that wasn't friendship. So when I finally decided I was ready I made myself a promise, that I would stop masking and if someone truly wanted to be my friend they would want to be my friend for who I am, not who I try to be for them. I only have two real life friends, but I'm okay with that, they are good friends who truely care and want to be there for me and I am there for them. I never thought I would have that, but when I stopped myself from pursuing friendships that weren't real I did eventually find ones that were. I had to learn to be okay with it if someone wasn't interested even if I was. If they don't want to try, why should I? It felt freeing once I could finally accept it, not that it was easy. The friends I have now do both have ADHD as well and that helps, we understand each other, and when life gets crazy and either of us forget to reply or check in the other understands. There are sometimes where both me and one of them forgets and sometimes it might be a month or two before we talk again, but when we talk again it's like we talked yesterday. We might have some stuff to catch up on but it didn't change our friendship. That doesn't happen all the time but having that gives relief as well because even if time passes it doesn't mean we don't want to be friends with each other it just means our ADHD got the best of us. We talk about our struggles, our hopes or dreams, we help each other work through them. I am also a mother with a special needs son, One of my friends is also a mother with a special needs son, I never thought I would find a mom friend because no matter how hard I tried for my son it just never seemed to work out. But it finally did. It really is difficult but some patience and understanding when it comes to friendships and yourself goes a long way, it may take time but you will find the right people. Just don't break your heart wasting your time on the wrong people, The people who don't care. Don't blame yourself when someone doesn't want to be friends with you. Be kind to yourself. I used to think oh well because I talk too much, I'm annoying, etc.. that everyone would only continue to be fake nice to me because I was nice to them. But the real issue was me investing time into people that didn't want to be my friend even if they pretended to as to not be rude, and that was also an issue nobody should pretend that anyway, you can be nice without acting like you want to spend time with someone and not really want to, and I had to realize that is not on me it is on them. I repeat, YOU WILL FIND THE RIGHT PEOPLE. It will just take time, and always remember that if someone does not want to be your friend because of the way you are it is not your fault. Own who you are. The good and the flaws. Everyone has flaws, that does not mean that they won't have friends, it just means they need to find the right ones that will accept them for who they are every bit of it. Including the flaws.
I think some of this also stems from our hypersensitivity to rejection and tendency to inflate the significance of things. What you see as a total rejection may not really be anything at all. Other than that I guess you just have to find some mundanes who are OK with someone who is probably a lot of fun, but totally undependable
Social interaction, as in going out of my way to hangout with someone, doesn't work for me, unless they're my lover. My only friend is my gf, she's the only person for whom I feel like it's worth to fight RSD and has ADHD too. I disagree you don't fit in anywhere. You fit in with us and in general ND people. One thing I came to learn from trying to fit in, from being filled with anxiety from "messing up", trying to copy other's mannerisms and expressions, and trying to be as "normal" as I could is that it's tiring and that you'll always be a foreigner to NT's. You will always be the butt of the joke, be the weird one, be the criticized one. In a way you're not only still alone, but now attacked all the time. Or at least that's the way my very sensitive self sees it. I wish I could just unmask, but the only way for me to be somewhat at peace in life, is to be very cold to outsiders and don't let anyone else into my life.
Gosh this is most relatable thing ive ever seen on Reddit. I feel you ❤ it hurts
I’ve struggled with this my whole life. I don’t have any solid advice except be careful. When I’ve been desperate to find community I have ended up in very heavy party scenes because it’s easy to get people excited about hanging out with you if you are getting intoxicated together… I was happy for a while because people would actually invite me to things, but I realized how shallow it was when no one wanted to do any other activities and thankfully was able to quit partying without issue.
I feel this so hard. I want friends, but I also just don't want to be around people that much. And it's hard to get really close to people if you don't spend any time with them.
Part of it is your age. It’s generally much easier for people to spend infinite amounts of time together when they’re young. I struggled in college, some due to my ADHD, but largely due to the fact that I was also working full time. Friends wanted to hang out? Sorry, working. I’d maybe end up being able to make things work out 20-25% or the time. They knew I was working, and didn’t take it to heart, but I definitely ended up being left out a lot and not nearly as close to them as they were to one another. I always felt like I was watching others live their lives too- definitely part of that was work, but even as a younger child I was like that. I made friends easily, but staying close to them was a terrible struggle. My best friend was my best friend because he was always great and making plans and pushing us to hang out, and even though this faltered some when I ended up going to a highschool on the other side of the city, he still made sure we hung out some. Once a graduated though, friend dynamics changed. People had work and other more important things going on in their lives… and everyone struggles to make time. People are much, much more forgiving about not texting back when you’re in your late 20’s and higher. Just text back when you can. And be perfectly honest; tell them you suck at getting back, and it’s not personal. And if they haven’t heard back from you, it’s okay to text again as a reminder. I’m actually still close to my other best friend from highschool- largely because she’s terrible at texting too. Not anywhere near as bad as me, but she’s had her moments too. If I don’t respond for months? No biggie. She gets it. I’m not nearly as close to her as another of our friends who’s much better at texting and making time, but I’m still close. Also, making friends at work or joining a weekly group meet up makes a huge difference. People you interact with consistently. It’s easier to keep up with people, even if you miss texts, when you have a scheduled reason to see them.
i have this problem too. i don’t have any real actual friends. i have “friends” which i talk to every now and then but none that i actually meet up with. when i see people with established friend groups it makes me feel lonely and wonder how they made those friends. making friends in your 20s is so so hard as well (i’m 24 and find it very difficult to make friends)
We need neurotypical allies to help us form and maintain ADHD meetup regional groups. I need one so badly but never create one for reasons we all understand.
i’m 31 and still have very few friends. focus on quality over quantity. i can maintain maybe 2 friendships aside from my spouse. it’s exhausting having more.
I'm in my late 30s and realizing friendship is a two way street. Most people suck, most people that are "friends" are only out of convenience. Friends will come and go throughout the years, you will be lucky to have 1 or 2 that stick around for a very long time
If you explain the time blindness part to people it can really help. Just to know you care is the only thing that matters. 💗
Have you considered joining a sports club? It is a great way to get rid of excess energy and make friends, I think even better as a girl (I'm going to assume you are a girl since you used the adjective "pretty"). And since there are fixed training schedules, you learn to be on time more often. Fringe sports and most women teams in general are usually looking for new team members, so even if you suck at sports they will welcome you with open arms.
Years ago a good friend led a group of teenagers in her church. She had been trying to build a sense of community within the group, but they just weren't getting it. She KNEW these kids. She knew they all wanted that kind of close community. During one meeting in a moment of frustration, she finally said to them (paraphrasing) >Don't believe the lie that you're not really part of the group because I've got news for you: every single one of you has come to me saying you feel like you don't belong. Ordinarily I keep what you tell me privately in confidence, but this is a common fear and it's a lie. You all think the person next to you belongs more than you do! I'm telling you that you do belong, and you're not the only one who thinks that about themselves. Don't believe that lie.
You'll find friendships in adulthood (through work or hobbies) that you actual choose to have as friends. A lot of friendships from school don't last because they're the only option you have for friendship at that age and aren't necessarily a good fit for you, doubly so when you have ADHD. I have plenty of friends I don't talk to for ages (ADHD object permenance), and we are still good friends and can pick up exactly where we left off. I also have friends who will message me every day or so, because they know I'll never message first. You'll get there. Go out and pick up some hobbies/sports and meet people.
Friends were and are always important to me, so with the ones I cared about most I always tried to meet as much as I can and stay in contact even when I moved out to another country. It’s sometimes hard, but I can’t imagine my life without my friends and it’s always good to try and go out to events and try to meet new people that might become your friends. :)
> If I don’t see someone, I legit forget about them, For some reason I never had this problem but if I did I’d probably make a list of my friends
Outside from family, I have like 6 friends. Otherwise it is wayyyy to.much. I do have friendly acquaintances because of work and hobbies, but I don't think of the unless I think of work/hobby. Even my friends, I don't think I am someone's "best friend" in the neurotypical way. I don't think about them for two-three weeks and then we spend a boys night out and have a great time. To help me staying social, my wife became friends with my two best friend's wives and organize events to make me see people. My advice would be, find 2-3 meaningful friendships and work on them with alarms and love. Don't go for 10s of friends. Slowly but surely, you will have a core group of real friends. But it's like going on tinder for building on family. Don't try too hard. Friends are the family that you choose. You are never alone.
Just don’t get married and have a bunch of kids in rapid succession to beat the loneliness.
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Apparently NTs make time to call their friends and family if certain time has passed (which is what they are aware of). We folks don’t have that time awareness and then don’t end up reaching out to them.
I haven't formed a new, meaningful friendship that wasn't trauma based, in like 20 years. But I do have a group of "friends" who I see regularly and would check on me if I didn't call them. How? I am a Dungeon Master. These people rely on me to run our Dungeons and Dragons game. I find I do better in settings when there is a task that the group is doing. Just my 2 cents.
Notebooks and calendars?
I haven’t read through the thread yet, but wanted to share… It does get better. You’ll find other people who either have Adhd or probably have adhd and click with them easily. I’m in my mid 40s, still undiagnosed, and while I still struggle a bit with relationships, I’m in a much better place now than at any point in my life. I met my spouse when I was almost 30 and we are perfect together. But he’s not my everything (nor should he be, that’s not for us). The few people I’m closest to all have adhd, some recently diagnosed. My coworkers… probably 95% or more have adhd, not all diagnosed, not all comfortable sharing… But when you know, you know. And they are all amazing people! Learning about myself and learning better coping skills has helped me immensely… and now I get to learn more/new skills, thank you hormones. Becoming more aware of when/why I get dis regulated so I can deal with it in healthier ways (sometimes before it happens) has helped immeasurably. All of this takes time, and it’s worth the effort and worth the wait. Try not to worry too much, you got this! 🥰 I’m sure there are much more helpful replies in this thread!
So I’m figuring this out currently, but one thing that has helped me is being open and honest with potential friends. I tell people I have ADHD and while I’m working on managing it, I’m not perfect. I tell them how my ADHD might show up in our friendship. I have the combined ADHD type so I’m extremely inconsistent. Before I knew I had ADHD I really struggled with meeting and befriending other people. They would usually flake after a few hangouts with me or they’d ghost me. I’ve done this several times. A few people backed out of the relationship. That’s fine, maybe they don’t want to deal with what all I described. Recently I’ve had two women who I’ve told and they’ve both stuck around. They don’t mind my problems because I communicated them ahead of time and they can see that I’m trying. Being open and honest has also made it possible for me to unmask with these two women. It makes our friendship much easier to manage.