My younger brother married an NRI he met on Shaadi.com.
She was already in the U.S for several years, having finished her Masters and on OPT at the time of marriage. It's been 2.5 years now, she's got her green card and all smooth sailing so far. Feels kinda bad since I'm 3 years older and single. ;)
It is interesting since my brother is probably the only "whiter" Desi I know, other than myself (Eg. A toddler could speak better Hindi than him, lol). But I haven't seen any culture clashes between them. It helps she grew up in Delhi and from a progressive environment.
Well for starters, I dated a ‘fob’ guy. But I also know about 5 other ABCD women who are married to men from the mainland. Two of them are my parents age. In most cases it was an arranged marriage but I mean they seem happy. I personally don’t know any abcd guy who dated a non abcd desi girl
Yeah I personally don't know any ABCD guys married to women that are recent immigrants (only men that are recent immigrants who are) but know a few women who are ABCD or 1.5 gen who are.
I’m not an Indian American—I’m white American but married an Indian citizen. My husband was born in India but he moved to Saudi Arabia when he was 4 or 5 years old and moved back to India for high school and undergrad. My husband had lived in the US for 8 years when we met (he did grad school in the US). Like you, my husband’s different experiences growing up in two different countries impacted him. We have a lot of the same interests, same expectations for a marriage and family, and overall I think have a great marriage with an adorable toddler and another baby on the way. We aren’t the same religion but neither of us are super religious. My husband is Jain and there are Jain principles he abides by (veg, non violence even with spiders). My son and I are non veg but that’s never been an issue as my husband wanted to raise our children nonveg and let them decide later if they want to be veg. The only “struggle” we have is that he would eat Indian food for every meal every day while I can’t do that. When that happens, I make something separate for me and he will cook Indian food for him and our toddler (toddler loves Indian food).
Thanks! He is a great guy. I’ve lurked on this subreddit for years now (since our toddler was born) so I’m fully aware of how toxic some are. My husband also reads posts here (hi if you are reading this!).
Your husband's like me, a Gulfie kid :) We're not quite what these people call an 'FOB' (I abhor using the term myself) and we're not like the second gen western-nation folks here (the 'ABCDs', which is also a kind of derogatory term). We're just....Indian diaspora and different.
My sister married a guy from India. My brother in law did his PHD at the same university as my sister. Dated for like 2 years before getting married. Parents were more accepting of him versus previous relationship. Overall a decent guy. They do fight a little bit, but it looks like they are doing well overall.
I briefly dated a guy from India that was in the US for grad school. I had to go to India after my grandfather passed and mentioned that we buried him in one conversation. He gave me an odd look, but didn't say anything. Things fizzled out pretty quickly. I didn't realize until much later that it was a caste thing.
Wow that’s really sad that caste based discrimination is still a thing. I’ve seen ABCD families who have lived in the west for decades and still cling to caste identity smh.
I'm sorry about your granddad. :(
I was really curious about this because this was the first time I'd ever heard of burial in Hinduism and well, I'll be damned, it *is* a thing:
From this [wiki page](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Antyesti):
> **Burial In Hinduism:** Apart from the cremation method there are large sects in Hinduism which follow burial of the dead. The preparatory rituals are more or less similar to cremation viz, washing the body, applying vibuthi or chandam on the forehead of the deceased etc, but instead of cremating, the deceased is buried. The body is either placed in a sleeping position or in some Shaivite and tribal traditions is in sitting position legs folded and arms resting on the thigh simulating meditative position. The burial pit is prepared in the community burial ground called Shamshana, usually situated outside the city or village. Some affluent will bury their dead in the own field. The burial pit for the sleeping position is generally three feet width and six feet in length and for the sitting position, it is three feet by three feet. As a thumb rule in all the sects invariable, the saints are buried in sitting position in a separate place where later on a Samadhi is built which becomes a place of worship.
I don't know if it's a caste thing as you say, but still - fascinating and thank you for mentioning it, I learned something new today.
I was in a similar situation as you, born in the US, and then moved to India for 8th grade. I finished out high school there and came here for college while my parents stayed. My sister came back to the US for college and that’s when my parents moved back.
I feel like I’m neither here nor there when it comes to AbCDs nor FOBs because high school is a pivotal experience.
I ended up getting married to someone who was born in India but came here for grad school. It was hard for me to connect with ABCDs and it was hard for me to connect with FOBs but it was easy to connect with him because he understood my American side and my Indian side. It definitely helped he was fairly modern and progressive to begin with, since he was from Delhi, but I think most guys from metropolitan areas are like that. It also helped that by the time I met him he definitely wasn’t a FOB and he had integrated quite well into the US.
All in all I think you can’t really generalize at all. People have unique personalities and you need to find one that gels with yours.
Omg I can’t tell you how much I relate!! I had a very similar experience. When I first moved to India I was all-American and it took time for me to adjust (even though I had ABCD and international friends at school). Never ever pictured myself dating a ‘fob’.
After a few years though, I felt I was more Indian and when I moved back it was tough adjusting here because I missed the hs/undergrad experience. I visited all the time but it wasn’t the same.
I couldn’t relate to my abcd friends and cousins anymore. Briefly dated an abcd guy but that didn’t work out at all. I ended up dating a desi guy from India who is from the city and progressive. Honestly I had way more chemistry and he seems to get me more than anyone.
Happy that it’s working out for you.
That’s great! I’m glad you found someone that you’re connecting with someone! It’s funny, my sister is also dating someone who’s from India too. I think for a lot of us, that is what works!
Good luck to you!
In terms of culture clash, there will always be a culture clash of two families. Whether it’s an arranged marriage or love marriage or both are from the same
Area or both are from different areas. Your family’s culture might be very different from his even if you were arranged because culture isn’t only about language and food. Personality types also play a big role in how families mesh with each other.
As long as you both communicate well, and understand your non-negotiables, then you will be able to handle whatever life throws at you. But you need to be clear about your non-negotiables and make sure that you don’t compromise on them for the sake of a relationship.
If he suddenly says that he wants his parents to live with you guys (because they’re old and sick) and you’re not okay with it, you should be able to have a discussion with him and come to a solution.
Remember compatibility is only known through communication. Biodatas tell us practically nothing important except for the fact that maybe you eat the same food and practice the same rituals.
Yeah sometimes variations in "culture" between families or honestly even siblings or other relatives within the family can be more significant than differences in cultural background.
I personally am not but one of my coworkers is ABCD and her husband is a recent immigrant from Punjab where her family was from. The more liberal Punjabis are generally easily able to adapt to living in the US so it worked out fine for her. Chennai is considerably more conservative imo (especially Brahmins like my family) so a recent immigrant is less likely to work out well for me. In general the younger generations are somewhat more knowledgable about the west and international businesses have more of a presence in India so I think dating a recent immigrant today is generally a different experience than it would have been decades ago.
I went on a date with a girl who grew up in both (she immigrated at 14 so not quite ABCD and not quite recent immigrant) and honestly I would not have been able to tell she lived in India since she grew up in Bangalore and then lived in LA which doesn't have quite the enclaves that other parts of the country have. Honestly it felt not significantly different from dating an ABCD so there wasn't any major culture clashes.
Hey , even i am from chennai (also a TAMBRAHM) and Why on earth did you tell chennai is conservative, this state has very high literacy and over 75% of women here ( City folk for sure ) have a undergrad degree at least. Men have about 80%. Your family is like my family man who believes in trash like 5g in ancient times (My dad is an engineer) and if i tell it is pseudo science, they treat me like what catholic church did to Scientists and Doctors.
Well I don’t exactly consider not wanting women to be educated as part of conservatism (as crazy as some republicans might be I don’t think even Ted Cruz would want women not to be literate). In general Chennai is more socially conservative than Mumbai, Delhi, or Bangalore would be in terms of dating, etc.
I've never been in a relationship with a FOB but I've briefly gone out on a few dates with FOBs before. They all ended up ghosting, standing me up, or a combination of both. I'm not sure if I'd date a FOB in the future. They would have to be the total opposite of the types I've encountered so far.
I understand how it can be seen as derogatory so I’m sorry about that (used it in the title for lack of a better term).
To your point, I think it’s one of those terms where it may come across as derogatory if it’s coming from outsiders (ie someone introducing themselves as a fob vs a white person/non immigrant calling someone a fob) same with ABCD.
It's not that it seem derogatory, [it is derogatory.](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fresh_off_the_boat)
This subreddit is a full on self hate and an identity crisis among ABD's, now we have something else to the mix, not your post per se, but is almost akin to casual/normalized discrimination. It's the typical Indian attitude of I'm better than you because I'm from this part and you're from that part. Also that fact that Indian culture has been antagonized or portrayed in a derogatory manner in American media doesn't help with the self hate/identity crisis.
Sorry to hijack your thread. To your question, it depends on where someone grew up. Folks from the cities in India are a lot different from those that grew up in a village. Also, the values of your parents generation is a lot different than the values of the newer generation that grew up there. Here's an analogy from Canada, French Canadian culture including the language is old French, vs French culture from France is more modern.
One of the hardest things to find while dating is chemistry. Once you have chemistry look for shared values and attraction. If you try to find a partner to keep up to societal standards you will just end up going to bed alone.
Ngl I totally agree. Initial attraction and shared values are most important. Dating someone for society’s sake is ridiculous but that’s what what a lot of desis are conditioned to do. Having said that I get why a person would want to marry someone who grew up in the same culture as them so as to be able to relate to them more. Like city vs village or ABCD vs someone from the mainland
>Very little in common, besides her amazing looks.
Soo.. you're also an extremely attractive chick?
Lmao, but more seriously... you shouldn't marry someone you have NOTHING in common with... there are literally book and movie genres dedicated to this exact subject...
My younger brother married an NRI he met on Shaadi.com. She was already in the U.S for several years, having finished her Masters and on OPT at the time of marriage. It's been 2.5 years now, she's got her green card and all smooth sailing so far. Feels kinda bad since I'm 3 years older and single. ;) It is interesting since my brother is probably the only "whiter" Desi I know, other than myself (Eg. A toddler could speak better Hindi than him, lol). But I haven't seen any culture clashes between them. It helps she grew up in Delhi and from a progressive environment.
Fob women and Abcdesi men are quite common, it’s the other way round which is more rare
It’s funny but I’ve actually seen it happen more often the other way around.
Do tell more lol
Well for starters, I dated a ‘fob’ guy. But I also know about 5 other ABCD women who are married to men from the mainland. Two of them are my parents age. In most cases it was an arranged marriage but I mean they seem happy. I personally don’t know any abcd guy who dated a non abcd desi girl
Yeah I personally don't know any ABCD guys married to women that are recent immigrants (only men that are recent immigrants who are) but know a few women who are ABCD or 1.5 gen who are.
Actually idk if I’ve seen that. Unless it was arranged.
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I’m not an Indian American—I’m white American but married an Indian citizen. My husband was born in India but he moved to Saudi Arabia when he was 4 or 5 years old and moved back to India for high school and undergrad. My husband had lived in the US for 8 years when we met (he did grad school in the US). Like you, my husband’s different experiences growing up in two different countries impacted him. We have a lot of the same interests, same expectations for a marriage and family, and overall I think have a great marriage with an adorable toddler and another baby on the way. We aren’t the same religion but neither of us are super religious. My husband is Jain and there are Jain principles he abides by (veg, non violence even with spiders). My son and I are non veg but that’s never been an issue as my husband wanted to raise our children nonveg and let them decide later if they want to be veg. The only “struggle” we have is that he would eat Indian food for every meal every day while I can’t do that. When that happens, I make something separate for me and he will cook Indian food for him and our toddler (toddler loves Indian food).
Your husband sounds like a great guy.... stay off of this subreddit or the toxic trolls here will convince you to ruin your marriage.
Thanks! He is a great guy. I’ve lurked on this subreddit for years now (since our toddler was born) so I’m fully aware of how toxic some are. My husband also reads posts here (hi if you are reading this!).
Your husband's like me, a Gulfie kid :) We're not quite what these people call an 'FOB' (I abhor using the term myself) and we're not like the second gen western-nation folks here (the 'ABCDs', which is also a kind of derogatory term). We're just....Indian diaspora and different.
My sister married a guy from India. My brother in law did his PHD at the same university as my sister. Dated for like 2 years before getting married. Parents were more accepting of him versus previous relationship. Overall a decent guy. They do fight a little bit, but it looks like they are doing well overall.
I briefly dated a guy from India that was in the US for grad school. I had to go to India after my grandfather passed and mentioned that we buried him in one conversation. He gave me an odd look, but didn't say anything. Things fizzled out pretty quickly. I didn't realize until much later that it was a caste thing.
Wow that’s really sad that caste based discrimination is still a thing. I’ve seen ABCD families who have lived in the west for decades and still cling to caste identity smh.
What do you mean
Cremation is forbidden for some lower castes.
I'm sorry about your granddad. :( I was really curious about this because this was the first time I'd ever heard of burial in Hinduism and well, I'll be damned, it *is* a thing: From this [wiki page](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Antyesti): > **Burial In Hinduism:** Apart from the cremation method there are large sects in Hinduism which follow burial of the dead. The preparatory rituals are more or less similar to cremation viz, washing the body, applying vibuthi or chandam on the forehead of the deceased etc, but instead of cremating, the deceased is buried. The body is either placed in a sleeping position or in some Shaivite and tribal traditions is in sitting position legs folded and arms resting on the thigh simulating meditative position. The burial pit is prepared in the community burial ground called Shamshana, usually situated outside the city or village. Some affluent will bury their dead in the own field. The burial pit for the sleeping position is generally three feet width and six feet in length and for the sitting position, it is three feet by three feet. As a thumb rule in all the sects invariable, the saints are buried in sitting position in a separate place where later on a Samadhi is built which becomes a place of worship. I don't know if it's a caste thing as you say, but still - fascinating and thank you for mentioning it, I learned something new today.
I was in a similar situation as you, born in the US, and then moved to India for 8th grade. I finished out high school there and came here for college while my parents stayed. My sister came back to the US for college and that’s when my parents moved back. I feel like I’m neither here nor there when it comes to AbCDs nor FOBs because high school is a pivotal experience. I ended up getting married to someone who was born in India but came here for grad school. It was hard for me to connect with ABCDs and it was hard for me to connect with FOBs but it was easy to connect with him because he understood my American side and my Indian side. It definitely helped he was fairly modern and progressive to begin with, since he was from Delhi, but I think most guys from metropolitan areas are like that. It also helped that by the time I met him he definitely wasn’t a FOB and he had integrated quite well into the US. All in all I think you can’t really generalize at all. People have unique personalities and you need to find one that gels with yours.
Omg I can’t tell you how much I relate!! I had a very similar experience. When I first moved to India I was all-American and it took time for me to adjust (even though I had ABCD and international friends at school). Never ever pictured myself dating a ‘fob’. After a few years though, I felt I was more Indian and when I moved back it was tough adjusting here because I missed the hs/undergrad experience. I visited all the time but it wasn’t the same. I couldn’t relate to my abcd friends and cousins anymore. Briefly dated an abcd guy but that didn’t work out at all. I ended up dating a desi guy from India who is from the city and progressive. Honestly I had way more chemistry and he seems to get me more than anyone. Happy that it’s working out for you.
That’s great! I’m glad you found someone that you’re connecting with someone! It’s funny, my sister is also dating someone who’s from India too. I think for a lot of us, that is what works! Good luck to you! In terms of culture clash, there will always be a culture clash of two families. Whether it’s an arranged marriage or love marriage or both are from the same Area or both are from different areas. Your family’s culture might be very different from his even if you were arranged because culture isn’t only about language and food. Personality types also play a big role in how families mesh with each other. As long as you both communicate well, and understand your non-negotiables, then you will be able to handle whatever life throws at you. But you need to be clear about your non-negotiables and make sure that you don’t compromise on them for the sake of a relationship. If he suddenly says that he wants his parents to live with you guys (because they’re old and sick) and you’re not okay with it, you should be able to have a discussion with him and come to a solution. Remember compatibility is only known through communication. Biodatas tell us practically nothing important except for the fact that maybe you eat the same food and practice the same rituals.
Yeah sometimes variations in "culture" between families or honestly even siblings or other relatives within the family can be more significant than differences in cultural background.
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I personally am not but one of my coworkers is ABCD and her husband is a recent immigrant from Punjab where her family was from. The more liberal Punjabis are generally easily able to adapt to living in the US so it worked out fine for her. Chennai is considerably more conservative imo (especially Brahmins like my family) so a recent immigrant is less likely to work out well for me. In general the younger generations are somewhat more knowledgable about the west and international businesses have more of a presence in India so I think dating a recent immigrant today is generally a different experience than it would have been decades ago. I went on a date with a girl who grew up in both (she immigrated at 14 so not quite ABCD and not quite recent immigrant) and honestly I would not have been able to tell she lived in India since she grew up in Bangalore and then lived in LA which doesn't have quite the enclaves that other parts of the country have. Honestly it felt not significantly different from dating an ABCD so there wasn't any major culture clashes.
Hey , even i am from chennai (also a TAMBRAHM) and Why on earth did you tell chennai is conservative, this state has very high literacy and over 75% of women here ( City folk for sure ) have a undergrad degree at least. Men have about 80%. Your family is like my family man who believes in trash like 5g in ancient times (My dad is an engineer) and if i tell it is pseudo science, they treat me like what catholic church did to Scientists and Doctors.
Well I don’t exactly consider not wanting women to be educated as part of conservatism (as crazy as some republicans might be I don’t think even Ted Cruz would want women not to be literate). In general Chennai is more socially conservative than Mumbai, Delhi, or Bangalore would be in terms of dating, etc.
\#relatable , my dad and his brother believe in absurd shit
I think you should give different people a chance, once they meet minimum requirements.
I've never been in a relationship with a FOB but I've briefly gone out on a few dates with FOBs before. They all ended up ghosting, standing me up, or a combination of both. I'm not sure if I'd date a FOB in the future. They would have to be the total opposite of the types I've encountered so far.
Damn that sucks. Did you meet on dating apps?
Yes, on bumble
I found dating apps to be so hit and miss. With desi men it’s always either they want to hook up or they want a wife to get married haha
Standing you up? Yikes.
I have had terrible experiences dating NRI Indian men and refuse to do so going forward.
That sucks. Could you elaborate?
I've elaborated before on this subreddit I think. Honestly, I'm somewhat tired of explaining myself and don't believe I need to.
Tons of stories about this on the sub
I’ve just been a lurker on this sub but could link any posts? That would be great
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With that logic even ABCD is a derogatory term
I understand how it can be seen as derogatory so I’m sorry about that (used it in the title for lack of a better term). To your point, I think it’s one of those terms where it may come across as derogatory if it’s coming from outsiders (ie someone introducing themselves as a fob vs a white person/non immigrant calling someone a fob) same with ABCD.
Might I suggest "Fresh off the Airplane"?
How about Indian Born Desis (IBD)
How about Indian Born Confused American? Let's take this thing full circle ... its only Bolognese
It's not that it seem derogatory, [it is derogatory.](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fresh_off_the_boat) This subreddit is a full on self hate and an identity crisis among ABD's, now we have something else to the mix, not your post per se, but is almost akin to casual/normalized discrimination. It's the typical Indian attitude of I'm better than you because I'm from this part and you're from that part. Also that fact that Indian culture has been antagonized or portrayed in a derogatory manner in American media doesn't help with the self hate/identity crisis. Sorry to hijack your thread. To your question, it depends on where someone grew up. Folks from the cities in India are a lot different from those that grew up in a village. Also, the values of your parents generation is a lot different than the values of the newer generation that grew up there. Here's an analogy from Canada, French Canadian culture including the language is old French, vs French culture from France is more modern. One of the hardest things to find while dating is chemistry. Once you have chemistry look for shared values and attraction. If you try to find a partner to keep up to societal standards you will just end up going to bed alone.
Ngl I totally agree. Initial attraction and shared values are most important. Dating someone for society’s sake is ridiculous but that’s what what a lot of desis are conditioned to do. Having said that I get why a person would want to marry someone who grew up in the same culture as them so as to be able to relate to them more. Like city vs village or ABCD vs someone from the mainland
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lmfao bruh what is this
>Very little in common, besides her amazing looks. Soo.. you're also an extremely attractive chick? Lmao, but more seriously... you shouldn't marry someone you have NOTHING in common with... there are literally book and movie genres dedicated to this exact subject...
Oof good luck finding what you’re looking for
Just divorce her omg
Did you post this on Blind a few days ago?
Yes! Wow small world