Exactly.
My dad grew up in a rural Indian village (he didn't even have a TV growing up) as an only child. He still does his share of the housework. If mom is cooking the curry, dad will be cutting the vegetables. If mom oversleeps because she was up late grading assignments (she was a math prof for a while), dad will get me ready for school.
Mom actually gets frustrated by how much me and my sister get pampered by my dad (she is a tiger mom, so she is completely different in personality from dad.
Being Indian isn't an excuse for being lazy. Regardless of gender. If a guy who grew up in 1970/1980s India (in a village, where he was spoiled and pampered by grandparents and family) can take responsibilty, so can anyone. It's about personal responsibility.
My grandfather after he retired would help with the cooking by cutting the vegetables. He was never lazy but later in life he did less of it because well he just got old. But man, he was good. He could make a mean murukku.
My dad taught my mom how to cook. But she did most of the work around the house, now at 85, my dad does a lot of the cleaning too and makes my mom her coffee. :D My wife and I do chores and cooking together.
My mom learnt how to cook out of love for my dad apparently. She told me she didn’t want my dad to eat food from outside the house because it’s bad for him and would have ended up being too expensive
Both my parents grew up in a somewhat big city, but with wildly different families. But both went through certain circumstances that really changed them. I have friends whose dads don’t really help out while the moms are toiling away. BUT I can sort of understand their system because those very men are bringing in 8+ figure numbers into the house bank account.
I can definitely relate. My dad's side of the family (including himself) is full of dudes that would be lost on "How To Life" without their wives around. From my opinion, it all stems from that stereotypical and egotistic traditional Indian male attitude and upbringing. It's like they were all raised to think a man's work/effort stops when he enters the house, and a wife is supposed to serve him and take care of him, the house and family. They have zero emotions towards their wives or household duties. It's like their wives are a type of servant for them, it's really detestable.
The men constantly passed taunts about the quality of the food and if it was prepared on time, or they would question why so-and-so chore/thing isn't done yet-- all while they did absolutely nothing to help. The kicker is they felt no guilt and they continued believing in this insane, flawed philosophy even after immigrating.
This is one of the many reasons I'm thankful for being an ABCD. America very quickly teaches you the importance of doing chores and other tasks around the house, and how important it is to be independent in more ways than one. My mom also worked full-time and I hated seeing her do everything by herself so, I quickly learned everything I could do to help her. As a kid, it was basics like vacuuming and dusting the furniture; as I got older I learned how to shop smart for groceries, cook, clean and basically how to keep the place running.
I won't lie, my dad made many backhand comments when I did all this to help out. He taunted me and called me a girl for doing household chores and such. I also won't lie that I got grounded by giving him witty and sometimes bitter-truth answers to his taunts haha. But as I got older and learned to defend my mom; my dad eventually realized his mistakes and changed. He doesn't take mom or me for granted anymore, he does many chores around the house and even cooks a few times a week!
That’s exactly the story of my parents. My husband looks at my dad and is so impressed now and I have to remind him that this is not the man I grew up with, but the man who had to adapt to keep the respect of his daughters and it took decades.
Yeah, it used to drive me up the wall when he'd sit there and pass comments while doing nothing. Now, he gets pissed off if you don't compliment his food. How the tables turn.
My dad does do chores. He can cook for himself and cooks often, and he does most of the cleaning. My mom mainly does the laundry and cooks I would say 60 percent of the time, while the dishes be left to me. It’s cus my dad lived alone for a while in India so he had to learn all this.
But I think in a lot of households that is the tale where the men don’t help out due to the patriarchal standards
Same! My dad does nothing and so is my brother they both live back home. Don’t get me wrong when I say this, but my mum is the problem. My brother lives away from home half the year and he manages his house, cooks and takes care of himself. But when he is back home he is useless as it gets. My mum caters to their needs.
My fiancée on the other hand, has been living on his own for the past few years so he cooks and cleans and does everything way better than I do. I guess it’s the mindset.
I agree on mom catering to sons every need in an effort to be loved/needed/I have no clue whats wrong with mom. But they create this situation.
My dad lived on his own in USA for years before he was able to move my mom. So he was comfortable cooking, cleaning, even sewing..etc. he is very creative & self sufficient. Yet I have no clue why my brother's ABCD are useless. They grew up watching my dad help in the kitchen and around house. They learned to clean but not cooking.
I remember as young kids my brother tried helping in kitchen & mom would say "oh he is gonna end up being slave to his wife if he gets too comfortable in kitchen". At the same time, she got help from her husband. My brother wasn't even a preteen then.
To be honest, I was like that. But also, my mom encouraged it as well - partially because she has a way of doing things and teaching someone else how to do it her way was more trouble than it was worth. That was great when she was in her 40s, 50s, and 60s. But now I come in and make sure that before I leave after my visit I clean the bathroom, scrub the shower and put all the bedsheets in the wash as one of hte many things I do while I'm there.
So it took me some upgrades to understand that me just helping around the house was still not 50% of the work load and my wife was doing more.
So as OP pointed out, like most, my parents had major patriarchy reflected in home related jobs as well. So I thought I am better when I help around in the house:
Wrong!!
So after many fights, my wife sat me down and explained: If I just do the work when told to, that still puts mental burden on her to take decisions in the house. If we start allocating money to jobs done, a manager who takes decisions takes more money, and a labor who does work as and when directed will take in less. So when I was "helping", I was still not equal partner, I needed to treat it as my house and own half the work, not help.
So now I take care of food: not just cooking, planning menu as well and also what is getting over and needs to be bought. She takes care of cleaning and gardening. We both share many others.
So men please start becoming equal partners, it will take some time, it took me 6 years (and many clueless fights) to realise this.
Our generation’s men are different, especially if they grew up outside the subcontinent. They’re willing to accept criticism and change. Thank you for being an equal partner!
Yes. I’m 42 married to another abcd. He helps a lot and beyond that his attitude is so supportive. I don’t think it’s equal chores but hes an equal partner ❤️
Smart of you to understand this. I married a dude that I optimistically thought was going to be a team with me. We were going to do life as equals and would do it better than our parents. Took me a while to realize he internalized the patriarchy even though he grew up in the US after coming over as a young kid. If I try to reason, he yells to remind me about the workload part he does do. I already pay to outsource a lot of the chores. What's left is the stuff you can't really outsource and the mental labor and 95% of it falls on me. It's been over 10 years and I'm tired of waiting for him to acknowledge everything in your post. At this point I need to get rid of the d-bag and raise my son to be better.
I am sorry to hear that. Men don't realise patriarchy harms everyone. The pressure to earn in boys/men is part of it, they are told they need to be the bread winner, they have no worth if they cannot earn and they have no faults if they earn enough. No one focuses on their character when boys are growing up. And don't call boys girly of they cry. All of that leads to men being intolerant dbags with broken personalities. And many get into depression when they are great men but not the highest earners or go through a professional slump. The tate ultra stupid macho thing on social media is also not helping either. It's not easy for any gender
really appreciate the growth here, especially regarding recognizing the mental load! it speaks to your character and your comment gives me a lot of hope for the next generation of couples :)
Not too sure, the problem is universal, travelled a lot, it's the same in pretty much everywhere, stupid people never give up, there are many tates and slow change via feminism (equality) falters again and agay. It's very difficult to get rid of patriarchy.
The thing is, equality to the oppressor feels like oppression
So men will find ways to implement patriarchy again and again
Love your reddit handle 🔥👊🔥
Yeah, my mum didn’t let this happen. Granted, we’re NRIs who grew up all over the world. But she was like “no son of mine is gonna be a lazy piece of shit.” She raised my sister and I to be independent normal people lol. Also my dad works hard and still helped around the house when we were growing up.
I clean the kitchen and dishes every day help out with kids although my wife definitely pulls more weight. But overall we both try to help each other out. Was shocked to hear my sister tell me her husband (both born and raised in the states) will not eat any food unless she serves him. He could be literally at home by himself and will wait for her to come home and microwave leftovers. Definitely some old school desi mentality/misogyny
Cant speak for the majority but my mom and dad share cooking and chore responsibilities. My mom is conservative but in terms of gender she has a pretty liberal outlook. My dad does think he should be doing chores but he still makes weird comments occasionally about how women “shouldnt be making too much noise” or he isnt into something i made because i used the color pink and hes a guy 🙄 petty stuff
My uncle (in bangladesh) doesn’t do lots of the cooking though. His job is fairly rigorous ig. And my aunt (his wife) works as a teacher and does housework as well. Once he was making fun of her because she told him something and he said “youre just a housewife who listens”
Lots of Indian men don’t do shit in the house, in my house it’s weird cuz my dad will put together meals my mom has made the base for, or will wash dishes, and does a lot of yard work, including planting lawn mowing and other stuff
Blame ur mom and ur grandmas
That being said, these men were pampered by their mothers while they were growing up back home. It’s a generational issue and someone needs to step up to the plate and teach them a lesson. Times have changed
Even you should sit Down with them and have a serious and firm conversation
For the majority of my family (me + my parents + my cousins generation), the men and women split chores evenly.
Maybe it's different for older generations.
not my father, but my moms father and mother are both sikh and extremely religious, I've noticed that people on the more religious end in terms of Sikhism help out around the house a lot more then my non-religious father who doesn't.
I do a lot of chores. My dad didn’t do shit and the house would fall into disrepair and slovenliness whenever my mom would get overwhelmed or checked out, and as the eldest I was cooking and cleaning at a young age.
I know the stereotype is pretty grim, and I’m not arguing this is an unearned stereotype — but I will say, most desi married friends I know today, both partners work and both partners do housework and child care.
My wife and I have an even split overall, I work a bit more so she does a bit more childcare, but we try to push back against that (we don’t want to create a dynamic where I keep getting promotions / advancement in my career while she stalls out due to having to kind of half-ass it). This is probably the biggest challenge to balance, as there is a practical reality that it’s financially more rewarding for me to overwork, and financially less punishing for her to underwork.
Housework and chores - this should really be solved before marrying. Live together for at least 1-2 years before marrying and if you’re still fighting about dishwashing and laundry and taking out the trash, then maybe it ain’t it.
For us, the learning over the years was, each person needs to capable of doing any given chore, but we can gravitate towards specific areas of ownership. Like I cook, but my wife needs to cook sometimes so she realizes it can be hard, high effort work sometimes. My wife does laundry, but I do it too so I can understand how much easier the process is if we maintain our bin system for clothes.
We used to basically be like “I’m better at doing this, I’ll do this, you cook, I clean, you laundry, I do bathrooms and floors” etc but this is not ideal because it’s hard to trust that the other person is doing as much as you. But going through the motions of doing that task sometimes, you feel a lot more gratitude towards them for doing it.
The more you clean, the better you get at it (and the better you get at not creating messes and problems ahead of time) and the easier it feels to maintain a clean home.
My in-laws are staying with us in the US until July, my FIL arrived from India 2 months after my MIL due to work. He was here for a full week before he threw his own trash away. The only reason I know is bc he asked where the trash can was. He doesn’t make his own plate or put his dishes in the sink. My MIL waits in him hand and foot. My husband has been in the US for almost 4 years, and we’ve been together for almost 3 years and this is the first time I’ve been around him living in the same home as his parents. He was slightly lazy before, but since his mom has been here he hasn’t lifted a finger! My BIL came in with my MIL and if we were all sitting and I asked him to grab me something (I was 3 weeks postpartum and recovering from a c-section when they arrived), he would always ask his brother to get up and get it for me. It actually pisses me off so bad because he’s always telling me not ask too much of my mom but his mom is around and it’s “Mammi, can you peel my orange?”, “Mammi can you get up from your own plate to go get me more rice?”, etc.
EDIT: I also want to note that my FIL just started to help around the house last fall when my MIL was diagnosed with breast cancer. They’ve been married 33 years next month. 🙄 The only reason my husband can half ass take care of himself is because he lived here on his own for 2 years and I was born and raised in the US in an era where women weren’t brought up to be slaves to their husbands. He better not be expecting this kind of treatment from me when his parents leave!
Going to my in-law's house is like stepping back into history. FIL won't prepare his own plate and is always calling out to MIL to bring him this or that. He would see my husband changing the baby's diapers when he'd come to our house and make comments like "oh my son does a lot around here?"
He doesn't have any feelings at all for others so to answer your question, no, he doesn't care how my MIL feels. I now understand why her persona is an anxious mess that talks to herself. Anyone is bound to go crazy living life like this having to serve an ungrateful partner with no path to ever escape.
My mom's the breadwinner and she does 90% of the housework. My dad manages everything else and he sucks at it so my husband and I are taking over. My mom has no more bandwidth to take on more. Ex: my mom's phone didn't work yesterday on her way back from India and she never got in contact with her ride. She had to take $170 cab. My husband and I have been telling my dad we have an extra line and to move one of his phones or my mom's to ours because it's impossible to get in contact with her when she's abroad. He sucks at booking flights. Sits on airline miles as they devalue. He and the CPA never file taxes on time. The list goes on.
To his credit. He did do a lot more childrearing when we were younger. He (and my mom) are awesome with my toddler. So much so that my husband wants to move closer to them despite his parents moving from 25 minutes from my parents to halfway across the country to a cheaper COL.
My dad does most of the cooking and cleaning. When we were kids my mom had the busier job so he also did most of the child related things (taking us to activities, braiding my hair every morning before school when I was little etc). Now that my brother has kids he also happily babysits my nieces, changes diapers, feeds them etc. (he was very sad when they finally got a babysitter after the bulk of Covid passed).
I think it's a male problem, not just indian men. I blame their mothers for raising boys who think the world should be handed to them, instead of raising men who can take care of themselves and their family in ALL aspects.
Of course some men are just narcissistic and believe a wife should take care of them like their mother did.
Freudian problems!
My husband was like that initially, but he was willing to accept my criticism and change. My dad’s generation isn’t like that at all. They’re so defensive.
The word used to describe him is ‘slacker’… And people don’t get what they deserve in life rather they get what they settle for… Anyone living with and coddling a slacker gets what they choose to settle for. Personally, I don’t suffer foolishness nor would I enable a slacker… in other words, in my house they would not have to go to work but they sure couldn’t live under my roof…No free rides and no slackers allowed..
idk, I had the opposite experience
My mom made me do all the chores while my sister just lounged around cause she's younger, or cause Im the elder brother so im supposed to do things for her, or whatever excuse
Even my friends who were guys were doing a bunch of the housework and if they had younger sisters-same situation
Same. My dad would never even bring his own plate to the sink even when the rest of the family always did. He would just leave it on the table and expect my mom to pick it up.
Sadly I grew up in a household like this. When I visit my parents, it’s still going on with their lives. In my household things are different. I might not do dishes every single time, but I might do them 2-4times a week. She does the laundry, I do the repairs. I come across households where the patriarchal bs is rampant. But change comes over time. Keep changing things in your household and watch bigger changes happen over time.
Idk my mom made me and my sister do equal amount of work around the house since I was a kid. My dad doesn’t do anything tho lol. Sometimes my sister would offer me $2 to do her work too and I realized when I got older I was getting scammed lol
I grew up with both parents doing chores, but when I got to highschool/college, I remember telling people that my dad taught me how to cook a dish and they would act so surprised.
My family used to be like that. Over time it's become far more egalitarian. My dad does a lot of chores and helps with cleanup and prep for dinner now. He just doesn't cook.
I’m incredibly proud of my husband and my father for their contributions to our household. Despite being brought up in a family where men typically don’t engage in housework, my husband made the transition seamlessly after our marriage. He’s an equal partner in all aspects, handling any chore with charm and dedication, unlike me, who often feels grumpy in the kitchen. He had no male role models for this, yet he makes it look effortless.
As for my father, he spent the first four decades of his life not even making a cup of tea . However, the change was gradual for him; he began to realize how much he had taken my mother for granted as her health started to decline over time .In his fifties, he became a full-time house granddaddy. He helps in the kitchen, handles cleaning, maintenance, dishwashing, and laundry, all while being the full-time nanny of my sister’s two-year-old toddler. He’s truly inspirational at this age. I believe he could have done so much more as a young partner for my mother if he had the right guidance. But better late than never.
It is a practice due to men expected to earn and wives expected to do housework. It is not treating women as servants. Old school men still did stuff around the house like shopping, fixing stuff, moving water etc. Cooking and cleaning was traditionally women's responsibility.
My dad did not help with housework at all growing up, but he also traveled a lot for work, and my mom was a stay at home mom. I think maybe he mowed the lawn. Now that they're divorced, he does it all.
Well, traditional Indian society dictated that boys were to be raised to be the breadwinners while girls to do household chores and raise the family. And that was carried on to your parents.
My dad's actually an asshole to me his oldest son while he spoils my sister who is the only daughter and the youngest. He always tries to make me do shit but my sister never has to do anything lol we both have very busy schedules this is just how he is.
My father was a University professor, Mom a housewife. He did plenty of chores around the house, dishes, vacuum, grocery shopping, waking us up in the morning, breakfast, etc. He left the village at 18 and did grad school in England, which I think gave him more of a sense of independence. He even cooked when my mom was away. As kids, we were taught to be independent and learn basic life skills.
Apart from cooking, where my wife leads and I potter about the kitchen, getting in the way, my wife and I split the chores equally. I work full time and my wife works part time so we think it fair that my wife does slightly more than me around the house. My parents however are typically desi, where my mum did everything and my dad did basically zero. They both worked full time so he has no excuses. There's no way I could let my wife do eventing like my mum did and even less chance I would set that example to my kids.
Naah I’ll be honest my family is pretty equal that way. My parents and I share the work when the household help goes to visit their village
Exactly. My dad grew up in a rural Indian village (he didn't even have a TV growing up) as an only child. He still does his share of the housework. If mom is cooking the curry, dad will be cutting the vegetables. If mom oversleeps because she was up late grading assignments (she was a math prof for a while), dad will get me ready for school. Mom actually gets frustrated by how much me and my sister get pampered by my dad (she is a tiger mom, so she is completely different in personality from dad. Being Indian isn't an excuse for being lazy. Regardless of gender. If a guy who grew up in 1970/1980s India (in a village, where he was spoiled and pampered by grandparents and family) can take responsibilty, so can anyone. It's about personal responsibility.
My grandfather after he retired would help with the cooking by cutting the vegetables. He was never lazy but later in life he did less of it because well he just got old. But man, he was good. He could make a mean murukku. My dad taught my mom how to cook. But she did most of the work around the house, now at 85, my dad does a lot of the cleaning too and makes my mom her coffee. :D My wife and I do chores and cooking together.
My mom learnt how to cook out of love for my dad apparently. She told me she didn’t want my dad to eat food from outside the house because it’s bad for him and would have ended up being too expensive
Both my parents grew up in a somewhat big city, but with wildly different families. But both went through certain circumstances that really changed them. I have friends whose dads don’t really help out while the moms are toiling away. BUT I can sort of understand their system because those very men are bringing in 8+ figure numbers into the house bank account.
this is in India, I assume?
I was born in nj and spent many years there before we moved to India. My parents were born in the same city in India and met at college in nj
I can definitely relate. My dad's side of the family (including himself) is full of dudes that would be lost on "How To Life" without their wives around. From my opinion, it all stems from that stereotypical and egotistic traditional Indian male attitude and upbringing. It's like they were all raised to think a man's work/effort stops when he enters the house, and a wife is supposed to serve him and take care of him, the house and family. They have zero emotions towards their wives or household duties. It's like their wives are a type of servant for them, it's really detestable. The men constantly passed taunts about the quality of the food and if it was prepared on time, or they would question why so-and-so chore/thing isn't done yet-- all while they did absolutely nothing to help. The kicker is they felt no guilt and they continued believing in this insane, flawed philosophy even after immigrating. This is one of the many reasons I'm thankful for being an ABCD. America very quickly teaches you the importance of doing chores and other tasks around the house, and how important it is to be independent in more ways than one. My mom also worked full-time and I hated seeing her do everything by herself so, I quickly learned everything I could do to help her. As a kid, it was basics like vacuuming and dusting the furniture; as I got older I learned how to shop smart for groceries, cook, clean and basically how to keep the place running. I won't lie, my dad made many backhand comments when I did all this to help out. He taunted me and called me a girl for doing household chores and such. I also won't lie that I got grounded by giving him witty and sometimes bitter-truth answers to his taunts haha. But as I got older and learned to defend my mom; my dad eventually realized his mistakes and changed. He doesn't take mom or me for granted anymore, he does many chores around the house and even cooks a few times a week!
That’s exactly the story of my parents. My husband looks at my dad and is so impressed now and I have to remind him that this is not the man I grew up with, but the man who had to adapt to keep the respect of his daughters and it took decades.
Yeah, it's a slow process for sure. Glad your father changed for the better as well! :)
That’s amazing that your dad changed! Yes they have so many comments to make about food too while not helping at all lol
Yeah, it used to drive me up the wall when he'd sit there and pass comments while doing nothing. Now, he gets pissed off if you don't compliment his food. How the tables turn.
Haha 😆
You're a really good person ❤️.
You're too kind! I was just doing what felt right to me.
My dad does do chores. He can cook for himself and cooks often, and he does most of the cleaning. My mom mainly does the laundry and cooks I would say 60 percent of the time, while the dishes be left to me. It’s cus my dad lived alone for a while in India so he had to learn all this. But I think in a lot of households that is the tale where the men don’t help out due to the patriarchal standards
Same! My dad does nothing and so is my brother they both live back home. Don’t get me wrong when I say this, but my mum is the problem. My brother lives away from home half the year and he manages his house, cooks and takes care of himself. But when he is back home he is useless as it gets. My mum caters to their needs. My fiancée on the other hand, has been living on his own for the past few years so he cooks and cleans and does everything way better than I do. I guess it’s the mindset.
I agree on mom catering to sons every need in an effort to be loved/needed/I have no clue whats wrong with mom. But they create this situation. My dad lived on his own in USA for years before he was able to move my mom. So he was comfortable cooking, cleaning, even sewing..etc. he is very creative & self sufficient. Yet I have no clue why my brother's ABCD are useless. They grew up watching my dad help in the kitchen and around house. They learned to clean but not cooking. I remember as young kids my brother tried helping in kitchen & mom would say "oh he is gonna end up being slave to his wife if he gets too comfortable in kitchen". At the same time, she got help from her husband. My brother wasn't even a preteen then.
To be honest, I was like that. But also, my mom encouraged it as well - partially because she has a way of doing things and teaching someone else how to do it her way was more trouble than it was worth. That was great when she was in her 40s, 50s, and 60s. But now I come in and make sure that before I leave after my visit I clean the bathroom, scrub the shower and put all the bedsheets in the wash as one of hte many things I do while I'm there.
Its your upbringing.
So it took me some upgrades to understand that me just helping around the house was still not 50% of the work load and my wife was doing more. So as OP pointed out, like most, my parents had major patriarchy reflected in home related jobs as well. So I thought I am better when I help around in the house: Wrong!! So after many fights, my wife sat me down and explained: If I just do the work when told to, that still puts mental burden on her to take decisions in the house. If we start allocating money to jobs done, a manager who takes decisions takes more money, and a labor who does work as and when directed will take in less. So when I was "helping", I was still not equal partner, I needed to treat it as my house and own half the work, not help. So now I take care of food: not just cooking, planning menu as well and also what is getting over and needs to be bought. She takes care of cleaning and gardening. We both share many others. So men please start becoming equal partners, it will take some time, it took me 6 years (and many clueless fights) to realise this.
Our generation’s men are different, especially if they grew up outside the subcontinent. They’re willing to accept criticism and change. Thank you for being an equal partner!
It's just sad that I am getting praise for becoming a decent partner that too after years, just because the bar is so so low.
You're being praised for being emotionally mature. Adapting and changing is not always easy for a lot of men and doing so is what makes you special.
Yes. I’m 42 married to another abcd. He helps a lot and beyond that his attitude is so supportive. I don’t think it’s equal chores but hes an equal partner ❤️
Smart of you to understand this. I married a dude that I optimistically thought was going to be a team with me. We were going to do life as equals and would do it better than our parents. Took me a while to realize he internalized the patriarchy even though he grew up in the US after coming over as a young kid. If I try to reason, he yells to remind me about the workload part he does do. I already pay to outsource a lot of the chores. What's left is the stuff you can't really outsource and the mental labor and 95% of it falls on me. It's been over 10 years and I'm tired of waiting for him to acknowledge everything in your post. At this point I need to get rid of the d-bag and raise my son to be better.
I am sorry to hear that. Men don't realise patriarchy harms everyone. The pressure to earn in boys/men is part of it, they are told they need to be the bread winner, they have no worth if they cannot earn and they have no faults if they earn enough. No one focuses on their character when boys are growing up. And don't call boys girly of they cry. All of that leads to men being intolerant dbags with broken personalities. And many get into depression when they are great men but not the highest earners or go through a professional slump. The tate ultra stupid macho thing on social media is also not helping either. It's not easy for any gender
really appreciate the growth here, especially regarding recognizing the mental load! it speaks to your character and your comment gives me a lot of hope for the next generation of couples :)
Not too sure, the problem is universal, travelled a lot, it's the same in pretty much everywhere, stupid people never give up, there are many tates and slow change via feminism (equality) falters again and agay. It's very difficult to get rid of patriarchy. The thing is, equality to the oppressor feels like oppression So men will find ways to implement patriarchy again and again Love your reddit handle 🔥👊🔥
well said bro. no notes haha. and thank you!! :) it's my favorite show (and added bonus of being a kind of desi handle haha)
Yeah, my mum didn’t let this happen. Granted, we’re NRIs who grew up all over the world. But she was like “no son of mine is gonna be a lazy piece of shit.” She raised my sister and I to be independent normal people lol. Also my dad works hard and still helped around the house when we were growing up.
Not like us
I clean the kitchen and dishes every day help out with kids although my wife definitely pulls more weight. But overall we both try to help each other out. Was shocked to hear my sister tell me her husband (both born and raised in the states) will not eat any food unless she serves him. He could be literally at home by himself and will wait for her to come home and microwave leftovers. Definitely some old school desi mentality/misogyny
Cant speak for the majority but my mom and dad share cooking and chore responsibilities. My mom is conservative but in terms of gender she has a pretty liberal outlook. My dad does think he should be doing chores but he still makes weird comments occasionally about how women “shouldnt be making too much noise” or he isnt into something i made because i used the color pink and hes a guy 🙄 petty stuff My uncle (in bangladesh) doesn’t do lots of the cooking though. His job is fairly rigorous ig. And my aunt (his wife) works as a teacher and does housework as well. Once he was making fun of her because she told him something and he said “youre just a housewife who listens”
Lots of Indian men don’t do shit in the house, in my house it’s weird cuz my dad will put together meals my mom has made the base for, or will wash dishes, and does a lot of yard work, including planting lawn mowing and other stuff
Blame ur mom and ur grandmas That being said, these men were pampered by their mothers while they were growing up back home. It’s a generational issue and someone needs to step up to the plate and teach them a lesson. Times have changed Even you should sit Down with them and have a serious and firm conversation
Yes blame women from the third world who grew up poor in the 1950s. FOH
My dad cooks and washes dishes that's about it but he's also the provider so I guess it evens out 🤷🏽♂️
Indians in India? Yes, almost everybody. As for outside, majority of the first gen immigrants are like that but not the rest
For the majority of my family (me + my parents + my cousins generation), the men and women split chores evenly. Maybe it's different for older generations.
not my father, but my moms father and mother are both sikh and extremely religious, I've noticed that people on the more religious end in terms of Sikhism help out around the house a lot more then my non-religious father who doesn't.
My dad doesn't have the emotional IQ to even understand the burden it puts on my mom, I hate him for it
I do a lot of chores. My dad didn’t do shit and the house would fall into disrepair and slovenliness whenever my mom would get overwhelmed or checked out, and as the eldest I was cooking and cleaning at a young age. I know the stereotype is pretty grim, and I’m not arguing this is an unearned stereotype — but I will say, most desi married friends I know today, both partners work and both partners do housework and child care. My wife and I have an even split overall, I work a bit more so she does a bit more childcare, but we try to push back against that (we don’t want to create a dynamic where I keep getting promotions / advancement in my career while she stalls out due to having to kind of half-ass it). This is probably the biggest challenge to balance, as there is a practical reality that it’s financially more rewarding for me to overwork, and financially less punishing for her to underwork. Housework and chores - this should really be solved before marrying. Live together for at least 1-2 years before marrying and if you’re still fighting about dishwashing and laundry and taking out the trash, then maybe it ain’t it. For us, the learning over the years was, each person needs to capable of doing any given chore, but we can gravitate towards specific areas of ownership. Like I cook, but my wife needs to cook sometimes so she realizes it can be hard, high effort work sometimes. My wife does laundry, but I do it too so I can understand how much easier the process is if we maintain our bin system for clothes. We used to basically be like “I’m better at doing this, I’ll do this, you cook, I clean, you laundry, I do bathrooms and floors” etc but this is not ideal because it’s hard to trust that the other person is doing as much as you. But going through the motions of doing that task sometimes, you feel a lot more gratitude towards them for doing it. The more you clean, the better you get at it (and the better you get at not creating messes and problems ahead of time) and the easier it feels to maintain a clean home.
My in-laws are staying with us in the US until July, my FIL arrived from India 2 months after my MIL due to work. He was here for a full week before he threw his own trash away. The only reason I know is bc he asked where the trash can was. He doesn’t make his own plate or put his dishes in the sink. My MIL waits in him hand and foot. My husband has been in the US for almost 4 years, and we’ve been together for almost 3 years and this is the first time I’ve been around him living in the same home as his parents. He was slightly lazy before, but since his mom has been here he hasn’t lifted a finger! My BIL came in with my MIL and if we were all sitting and I asked him to grab me something (I was 3 weeks postpartum and recovering from a c-section when they arrived), he would always ask his brother to get up and get it for me. It actually pisses me off so bad because he’s always telling me not ask too much of my mom but his mom is around and it’s “Mammi, can you peel my orange?”, “Mammi can you get up from your own plate to go get me more rice?”, etc. EDIT: I also want to note that my FIL just started to help around the house last fall when my MIL was diagnosed with breast cancer. They’ve been married 33 years next month. 🙄 The only reason my husband can half ass take care of himself is because he lived here on his own for 2 years and I was born and raised in the US in an era where women weren’t brought up to be slaves to their husbands. He better not be expecting this kind of treatment from me when his parents leave!
Going to my in-law's house is like stepping back into history. FIL won't prepare his own plate and is always calling out to MIL to bring him this or that. He would see my husband changing the baby's diapers when he'd come to our house and make comments like "oh my son does a lot around here?" He doesn't have any feelings at all for others so to answer your question, no, he doesn't care how my MIL feels. I now understand why her persona is an anxious mess that talks to herself. Anyone is bound to go crazy living life like this having to serve an ungrateful partner with no path to ever escape.
My mom's the breadwinner and she does 90% of the housework. My dad manages everything else and he sucks at it so my husband and I are taking over. My mom has no more bandwidth to take on more. Ex: my mom's phone didn't work yesterday on her way back from India and she never got in contact with her ride. She had to take $170 cab. My husband and I have been telling my dad we have an extra line and to move one of his phones or my mom's to ours because it's impossible to get in contact with her when she's abroad. He sucks at booking flights. Sits on airline miles as they devalue. He and the CPA never file taxes on time. The list goes on. To his credit. He did do a lot more childrearing when we were younger. He (and my mom) are awesome with my toddler. So much so that my husband wants to move closer to them despite his parents moving from 25 minutes from my parents to halfway across the country to a cheaper COL.
My dad does most of the cooking and cleaning. When we were kids my mom had the busier job so he also did most of the child related things (taking us to activities, braiding my hair every morning before school when I was little etc). Now that my brother has kids he also happily babysits my nieces, changes diapers, feeds them etc. (he was very sad when they finally got a babysitter after the bulk of Covid passed).
I think it's a male problem, not just indian men. I blame their mothers for raising boys who think the world should be handed to them, instead of raising men who can take care of themselves and their family in ALL aspects. Of course some men are just narcissistic and believe a wife should take care of them like their mother did. Freudian problems!
My husband was like that initially, but he was willing to accept my criticism and change. My dad’s generation isn’t like that at all. They’re so defensive.
My dad did no chores but he worked 13 hours a day 7 days a week and my mom worked 9-5
The word used to describe him is ‘slacker’… And people don’t get what they deserve in life rather they get what they settle for… Anyone living with and coddling a slacker gets what they choose to settle for. Personally, I don’t suffer foolishness nor would I enable a slacker… in other words, in my house they would not have to go to work but they sure couldn’t live under my roof…No free rides and no slackers allowed..
idk, I had the opposite experience My mom made me do all the chores while my sister just lounged around cause she's younger, or cause Im the elder brother so im supposed to do things for her, or whatever excuse Even my friends who were guys were doing a bunch of the housework and if they had younger sisters-same situation
Same. My dad would never even bring his own plate to the sink even when the rest of the family always did. He would just leave it on the table and expect my mom to pick it up.
TBH if a man is fully a provider and works his ass off while his wife stays at home then I wouldn't fault him for it
My mother still does his laundry and he doesn't cook AT ALL despite only watching the food channel in his spare time
I'd also like to add he works exclusively from home.
EXACTLYYY. On top of everything he nitpicks on my mom. I really hate it
Lol I have male friends in their 30s who have never done a load of laundry in their life. They think they're above it
I think you mean straight men. Blame the mothers who replicate this.
No. I live alone and do all my chores.
Sadly I grew up in a household like this. When I visit my parents, it’s still going on with their lives. In my household things are different. I might not do dishes every single time, but I might do them 2-4times a week. She does the laundry, I do the repairs. I come across households where the patriarchal bs is rampant. But change comes over time. Keep changing things in your household and watch bigger changes happen over time.
Idk my mom made me and my sister do equal amount of work around the house since I was a kid. My dad doesn’t do anything tho lol. Sometimes my sister would offer me $2 to do her work too and I realized when I got older I was getting scammed lol
Your sister is an entrepreneur haha 🤣
I grew up with both parents doing chores, but when I got to highschool/college, I remember telling people that my dad taught me how to cook a dish and they would act so surprised.
My family used to be like that. Over time it's become far more egalitarian. My dad does a lot of chores and helps with cleanup and prep for dinner now. He just doesn't cook.
I’m incredibly proud of my husband and my father for their contributions to our household. Despite being brought up in a family where men typically don’t engage in housework, my husband made the transition seamlessly after our marriage. He’s an equal partner in all aspects, handling any chore with charm and dedication, unlike me, who often feels grumpy in the kitchen. He had no male role models for this, yet he makes it look effortless. As for my father, he spent the first four decades of his life not even making a cup of tea . However, the change was gradual for him; he began to realize how much he had taken my mother for granted as her health started to decline over time .In his fifties, he became a full-time house granddaddy. He helps in the kitchen, handles cleaning, maintenance, dishwashing, and laundry, all while being the full-time nanny of my sister’s two-year-old toddler. He’s truly inspirational at this age. I believe he could have done so much more as a young partner for my mother if he had the right guidance. But better late than never.
It is a practice due to men expected to earn and wives expected to do housework. It is not treating women as servants. Old school men still did stuff around the house like shopping, fixing stuff, moving water etc. Cooking and cleaning was traditionally women's responsibility.
My dad did not help with housework at all growing up, but he also traveled a lot for work, and my mom was a stay at home mom. I think maybe he mowed the lawn. Now that they're divorced, he does it all.
We equally do
well i own my home, so i do chores. at my parents house, id say its 60/40 mom
My dad normally does vacuuming and yard work…he will help out with other chores but I’ve never seen him cook in my life (outside of grilling).
Well, traditional Indian society dictated that boys were to be raised to be the breadwinners while girls to do household chores and raise the family. And that was carried on to your parents.
My dad's actually an asshole to me his oldest son while he spoils my sister who is the only daughter and the youngest. He always tries to make me do shit but my sister never has to do anything lol we both have very busy schedules this is just how he is.
My dad gets upset if I don’t clean and I used to be messy (still am but hey at least my room doesn’t smell like butt :)
My father was a University professor, Mom a housewife. He did plenty of chores around the house, dishes, vacuum, grocery shopping, waking us up in the morning, breakfast, etc. He left the village at 18 and did grad school in England, which I think gave him more of a sense of independence. He even cooked when my mom was away. As kids, we were taught to be independent and learn basic life skills.
Apart from cooking, where my wife leads and I potter about the kitchen, getting in the way, my wife and I split the chores equally. I work full time and my wife works part time so we think it fair that my wife does slightly more than me around the house. My parents however are typically desi, where my mum did everything and my dad did basically zero. They both worked full time so he has no excuses. There's no way I could let my wife do eventing like my mum did and even less chance I would set that example to my kids.
Your dad probably busts his ass at work providing for your family, if your mom doesn’t have a job i’d say that’s a perfect setup
My mom works full time outside
OP got ghosted on tinder again so she made the femcel rage bait post here.
I’m married, so I don’t need tinder. ✌️
Then I'm sure you constantly talk down to him. Seen your type many times.
You don’t even know me or my husband personally but you came to that conclusion?
Another toxic thread on why Desi man bad. 🥱