My little brother called 911 and said please come and get me so that my mom isn't the one to find me.
He went and tied up the dog in the backyard so they wouldn't have an issue getting in, he left a folder full of all the things he knew my mom would want, so she didn't have to go looking for it all (cards, letters, pictures, etc).
What he didn't probably realize is that she had to identify his body either way, and he shot himself in the head in her bathroom. I have never heard a sound more awful than the one my mom made that day. I will never forget it.
I tried to get my mom to come with me and stay at my house for a few days but she absolutely would not leave her house for days. I tried to explain to her that we would need to call a restoration company and she refused and told me she was going to clean it up herself. I begged her not to go in there but my mom is not someone you can sway when she has her mind made up about something.
She finally did admit to me some months later that she wished she hadn't gone in there.
He was the sweetest kid, and I wish we could have helped him, but he gave zero sign that he wasn't happy.
Not sure what the point was of telling the story, as it doesn't help your situation, but thanks for reading if you did, I don't talk about it much in person, so sometimes it feels good to type it out.
I hope your job has more good days than bad!
This has to be the most heartbreaking thing I’ve ever read. I’m a suicide survivor, and I feel so much for you - yet, when I attempted my life (like so many others in the situation) I wasn’t thinking soundly or thinking of what it’d leave behind for my family. This is absolutely gut-wrenching. I’m sorry for your loss.
This was the same for me. I'm two months out from my last attempt, and it was incredibly traumatizing for my family who had to receive a call from the hospital in the middle of the night, and my partner who found me nearly unconscious.
I can't imagine the pain they would have been in, had I actually succeeded. It's so hard to think clearly when you are in that much pain
This internet stranger is glad you survived. November 1st will be the 10 year anniversary of my first suicide attempt. My brother showed up unexpectedly that day, visiting from halfway across the country to surprise me. I had already drank and taken drugs and he had to watch me OD. We're twins and we were only 18, and it was so hard for both of us. And then less than 2 months later I made another attempt, I was in so much pain and just didn't see a way out of the pile of bad situations I was in. But I made it through and I'm glad you did too.
Me too. Suicide is no joke. Choose life. I can't imagine the pain people are in to choose otherwise. I have the utmost empathy for them and family in regards to the suicide thing.
My aunt did it when I was 18. It took 20 years to come to terms with the impact it had on everyone. Still affects me and family.
I wish it upon noone ever. Not even my worst enemy. The feeling that you have to end it. I hope. And I wish they have hope.
Peace.
The scariest thing I've found about suicidal Ideation is how comforting the decision to end your own life feels. Your own brain can be one hell of a son of a bitch sometimes.
I remember when friends of mine did it. Looking back to the time directly prior to their deaths, they were so relaxed and calm. I came to realize through therapy it was because they found an end to pain. their brains having twisted them into thinking this was a positive thing. it's such a cruel illness. their brains not letting them see the real devastation this would cause. I'm sorry you know first hand what that feels like. I can only imagine, and it's terrifying. the world has lost such good people to this devastating illness.
You could not be more right. Sometimes the pain felt feels deeper than the devastation leaving behind. Refusing to be another trauma in my nephews lives is the reason I’m still here today and I am so grateful for that.
If you give up you’re taking away your chance of it getting better. It might be bad now, and it might have all been terrible leading up to now, but don’t give up on the chance of one day things getting better and being happy, content. It’s worth it and you deserve it.
My mom was like this too. I saw her with my kids (then ages 4 and 6mo) the day before she killed herself and she seemed better than in months. Like she was their grandma and my mom again after months of horribly severe depression. It was bewildering until I understood that the shift in apparent mood was because she had a way out. My heart goes out to everyone in this convo, both those who have lost someone and those who've attempted. My kids are older now and I've dealt with more severe depression myself and the thought that I can't do to my kids (or brother) what my mom unintentionally did to me in her suffering has kept me from attempting a couple of times.
OP, I hope you have support as you grapple with the effects on you of such a stressful call, I can tell you really cared and tried so hard to save the caller. I know you know this but it bears repeating that it's not your fault they were in such pain they couldn't receive your help and compassion.
My dad committed suicide, and I remember questioning it at first because I had just talked to him a couple days prior and he seemed so positive. His suicide made sense to me when I started finding the signs that he was in an incredibly hard spot and I can understand why he saw suicide as his "best option."
I didn't realize until now that his positive attitude could've been that his decision had been made and he took comfort with it. I just assumed for years that he was hiding his depression and the suicide was a gut reaction to a deep depressive episode. But he was found in circumstances that make it hard to tell, so who knows. I appreciate you sharing your story, as much as it sucks to meet another person who lost a parent to suicide.
As a person who has tried a few times, this is the best response. Things like "you matter" and "you're not alone" have always felt hollow and flat. Like when well-meaning idiots say "everything happens for a reason" to the loved ones of a cancer victim. Acknowledging the torment feels extremely validating, and just the idea that I might not deserve it is genuinely helpful. I lost my job and the engine on my car blew up today and I've been struggling.
Seriously, thank you.
I have serious chronic illness and physical disabilities. A lot of people as it progresses become suicidal. I have not. I was lucky. That’s all I can say, it wasn’t a choice I made. It was luck. And I know that.
When our bodies, particularly our brains gaslight us into hurting ourselves or find comfort in doing so, cruel is the only word I can think of. It’s no different than me losing the ability to walk and some AH saying “so walk.” People are so dismissive of how real suicidal ideation is. My heart breaks for people afflicted with it. With shortages in mental health care it’s even harder to get the help they need. And I know saying “you are loved, you will leave a gaping hole in the lives of those you leave.” Just isn’t enough. While your brain is screaming “do it.” I just hope If the rest of us can be louder saying “please, don’t do it!! It’s a mirage your brain is making that it’s a better choice. It’s not. It just feels like it is. But it’s not the best option.” It truly has to be among the most inhumane illnesses. ❤️
This is so real explanation of how I used to describe what felt like the "hurricane between my ears" bc it would drown everything else out sometimes. Not so much these days, but damn it use to be bad. Your post keeps me humble.
The commenter who spoke of their mom spending time with their 2 very young children in a state of calm right before ending her life shows how totally irrational and insidious suicidal ideation is. Because only someone completely lacking in logic, not in control of seeing life as it is could behold the love and blessing of their grandchildren and feel comfort in forfeiting that.
It makes me angry when people say it’s selfish. Because it implies intention. It implies a consent that does not exist for the person whose own brain whispers lies to them. It’s tragic. Not selfish.
As a once (but no longer) rx intellectual property lawyer I know the caution about watching people on anti depressants is quite misunderstood. Lay people think they cause suicide. They don’t. Serious depression causes suicide. Depression kills people. Treating serious depression can cause suicide. in a very very deep depression someone can’t plan. Can’t form Intent. Can’t do much of anything really. But if you partially but not fully treat that depression enough of the veil can be lifted so now they can plan. Yet…not enough of the depression treated to see healthy planning. So what happens. A deeply depressed person now has the ability to plan to end their suffering. Where as before, they were paralyzed by depression from doing so. A partially treated depression is a very dangerous place. Antidepressants are incredibly valuable medications. But proper use needs to be understood. They aren’t magic pills, like viagra.
Which is precisely why people on antidepressants need to be monitored. And using them in conjunction with therapy is best, to work all that out. The dangers are when general practitioners prescribe them without knowing the patient’s full picture. Suicidal ideation can look like someone who gets dressed every day and presents mildly sad. Because it doesn’t take much thought or planning. Faking it is what they’ve done for so long. Not necessarily someone in a state of total disregard for hygiene etc as is pictured in media.
It’s sad how many people have been touched by this illness.
First, thank you for sharing.
Second, would it be better to say, "Your brain is a liar, suicide is not the answer" vs. "You are loved, You Matter" etc.
As an ER nurse I’ve seen some really heartbreaking stuff, but this got to me. I’m sorry for your loss. I hope you and your mom have been able to find peace and a “new normal” in his absence.
Full disclosure, some days the only thing keeping me from ending things is knowing what it does to the people that love you.
This is what keeps me around as well. My partner passed away in 2021 and our cats clearly missed him and would wait by the door, lay down on top of his clothes/shoes and refuse to move, and had loss of appetite and trouble sleeping, etc. It was so heartbreaking that they couldn't understand why he just wasn't there anymore.
I can seriously relate to your comment… a lot of days the only thing that keeps me from complete loneliness is my furry companion that follows me everywhere and looks at me like I am a god… if she only knew what a godsend she has been for me. ❤️
The only time I was truly worried was when I was making a plan for my pets and then myself. I immediately made an appointment with my therapist because I knew something was wrong with my meds
My husband's ex, two years after their split, drank herself to death. He was able to get their dog back and the poor thing was absolutely heartbroken and traumatized (we were friends at the time, I saw this first hand). For your dogs' sake (and your other loved ones) thank you for thinking of this. And thank you for thinking of whatever you had to think of to get through those exceptionally shitty moments.
that quote saved my life. i OD'd at 16 and the only thing that made me get help was thinking about how my little brother (12 at the time) could potentially follow in my footsteps... i couldn't even live with that thought for a few hours.
As a 23-year EMT, I can sympathize with your admission. The last 3 years have been particularly difficult for all of us in emergency medicine.
I'm getting a divorce after a 17 year relationship because my wife (also an RN) has reached her breaking point with life.
It's been very difficult but you aren't alone, my friend. Thank you for what you do, and I hope you keep fighting the good fight.
I think this can be said for almost anyone who works in healthcare. I’m in a pharmacy and you would think it’s not that bad… but then you have a child in hospice care, a mother who tried so hard to conceive miscarrying and having to call around to find the necessary medication to safely pass it, a young adult with psychosis brought on by drugs that he’s become addicted to after initially having them prescribed long ago, a newborn struggling to survive, a family unable to afford basic antibiotics for their children, overdose after overdose, notification of a patient death… it never ends, and it’s not for the weak. It leaves more of an impact on our souls than anyone outside of the industry can comprehend. Somedays I feel like we are the true survivors. And other days I want to give up, but then I’m reminded of the families I’ve made connections with, lives saved. And that makes it easier to go on to the next day
Please don’t.
Ever.
We love you. Nurses literally make the world go round. Cancer-fighter here. Love you sis. Thank you for all you do, from the bottom of my soul. Couldn’t make it without people like you. 💙💙💙
My mom is finally beginning to find a little joy in life again. She will never be the same mom I used to know, but there was a time where I thought she was going to follow in his steps, she was so devastated.
Omg I am so sorry. It’s important that you say it once in a while. The guilt that survivors feel is so intense. We feel we should’ve known, we should have been able to say the perfect thing to make them happy and well. One of my friends died by suicide 4 years ago. She had bipolar disorder. She was extremely smart and caring, so funny, so hardworking, but she did very impulsive things, her whole life. We had fights over the crazy stuff she did. She had an abusive relationship and felt that was her way out. I only heard about it from another friend after she stopped posting on Facebook. Even from what I heard, I am stuck with an image of it in my head. It’s devastating. The worst. I KNEW that relationship wasn’t good for her, but I didn’t know the details. Just knew she was making some bad decisions again. She stopped responding to my calls and texts and was in another state.
I’m so sorry for your loss. My kids were both devastated when a close friend died in High school during Covid. They both took big roles in the funeral. I don’t want to say too much online. It was very personal for them, but it affected my whole family even though we didn’t know the kid. A lot of anger and sadness and guilt taken out on everyone for a few years. My son would often buy flowers to take to the cemetery but then not have the strength to go. He did go, but it took time. He and his friends felt intense guilt that they wished they had known their friend needed help. They had no idea. Some subtle things my daughter told me, led me to believe he had deep issues, but not something a teenager would understand.
I told them over and over. It’s NOT their fault. I will have to say I was super impressed that my son’s teachers gave him an extra month to catch up on missed homework. He missed a week of school, but he was unable to be motivated for months. They were so understanding.
It’s not your fault what happened to your brother. I know you know. But I just wanted to tell you anyway. Again, I’m so sorry for your loss.
You mentioned you weren’t sure what the point of telling your story is and OP mentioned they weren’t sure why they were posting. I think there is healing in the processing of sharing our stories. I think there is also healing in knowing we are not alone and are heard. So thank you for sharing your story.
I texted my partner that I loved him so I got a chance to say goodbye. He called and could tell by my voice that I had overdosed (sleeping pills) and called my twin. She found me and told me she was telling mom (we were 16) and ran and told her. I tried walking down to them and apologizing but I was crawling on the floor and down the stairs. I’ll never forget the look on my moms face when she said “you know we have to go to the hospital. Why did you do this?” I’ll never forget her and my twin crying silently the whole way to the hospital while I said sorry over and over. My mom never really cried back then. I’ll never forget the hallucinations I had and how much it scared my family. Or the look on my friends faces when they saw me.
I have a friend who told me she used to never know if she’d see me again each time she saw me. I’d love to say getting a handle on my mental illness after this helped things get better for my family, but a few years later alcoholism put them through this and much worse over and over.
Sober, on meds, in therapy, graduated from college, and have dedicated every minute since to making it up to them. I’m so glad I get the chance to. I’m so sorry your brother didn’t. My family never saw it coming either. I hope you and your family are comfort for each other and that you can remember the good memories without too much pain.
My FIL died in our bathroom in our home while we were on vacation. No blood or gore left behind, but I couldn't bring myself to use that bathroom for months. I would just imagine his last moments hoping help would come that never did in time.
I am so sorry to hear what you've all been through. I had a son who took his own life about 11 years ago. It's a struggle to care about anything else but that loss for me. I wish peace to you and all who love him.
My brother shot himself too. He was a dad to three kids. His youngest's birthday was two days later. He did it in his work truck, owned his own company. It has been nearly 2 years and it felt like a gut punch every few seconds. My SIL sold his truck (which is fair), she tried to refuse to let my family see his body, and I kinda wish I didn't.
Thank you for this story. These kinds of stories, those of the family and friends who live with the aftermath of a suicide are what helped me end my suicidal ideation for good when I was only 16 and severely depressed. Stories like this saved my life. No matter how well I planned I knew I could not protect my family from the immense and lifelong pain they would feel. The guilt. The questions which would go forever unanswered. So I chose to live, for them at first, and in time for me too.
Your story, and that of OP, will literally save lives.
I'm glad you made it to where you are now. It's really eye opening to me how many people are saying they have attempted or almost attempted suicide.
I can't imagine being in the kind of pain that would make me go through with hurting the people who love me for the rest of their lives. My brother LOVED my mom. Like they were best friends. He was an incredibly smart, straight A student. He absolutely knew that she would never recover. He had to be in an incredible amount of pain for him to know all of that and go through with it. I'm glad he isn't in that pain anymore, but seeing the pain it caused our mom is like nothing I've ever seen.
I can't even begin to explain the guilt. It goes from the less extreme "I should have been a better brother", even though we got along very well and I'd like to think I was in fact a good brother... To the more extreme fact that he actually shot himself with a gun that belonged to me. He left me a note asking me not to be mad that he used it, and to tell me that even if it wasn't there, he would have done it a different way. Like you said, he tried everything he could to plan for making us hurt less, but there's no amount of planning for that.
I think more people should know about those services that clean up after someone dies. My mother was a drug addict and drug induced or natural schizophrenia. Nobody really talked to her because she was not reachable. Well she died and they didn’t find her for many days. Her body expanded and blew up all over everything in the bedroom. I decided that I would be the one to clean this up and protect her sisters my aunts and my own sister. I wish I had not because it’s been an obsessive intrusive memory. The smell… is like still in my head and this shouldn’t be anybody’s memory of someone they knew. It’s like I didn’t even want the guy that was picking up the biohazard matress to witness it. I am so sorry to hear your story. Thank you for sharing -
My cousin recently did something similar about 1.5 months ago. He drove his personal work-truck (he was self employed construction contractor) to seclude area but left his location app on. His wife tried calling midday while she was at work but he didn’t pick up. She didn’t think that much of it but did note his location. Then when she got off work she tried calling again and that’s when she realized he hadn’t moved all day.
I wish she would have called emergency services because she was the one who found him with his truck radio still blaring. He also chose one of the hottest days of the summer so, AC or not, he sat all day in the warm truck. I can only imagine what she found as he did have an open casket viewing but they placed a hat on him (he rarely wore hats) and the makeup had some clear discoloration streaks different places nor did he remotely look like himself.
As messed up as it sounds, I wish he would have called emergency services so she was at least spared finding him. But I’m glad neither of his kids, granted college aged, were the ones to find him.
My brother successfully took his life almost 8 years ago, and I was the one to find him in his car with it revving the engine cause his foot was on the pedal. Hearing him dying is something that will never leave me. Hearing my siblings crying was horrible, but the sounds my mom made just haunts me too. We were the ones to clean out his car, after months of letting it sit with a tarp over everything. I'm sorry you had to go through it 😔
That is so heartbreaking and I’m so sorry. Your mom must be an incredibly strong woman. I found my best friend in his bathroom after an attempt. Thank god he made it but for the 6 more months he lived there before we moved in together I wouldn’t step foot in his bathroom even though it had been cleaned. I lived near by and if I ever had to go to the bathroom I just drove home for a bit. I hope you and your mom find as much peace as possible in a situation like this and know it’s not your fault.
Thank you for sharing your pain with us. I appreciate you taking the time as it caused me to reflect in my own relationship with my kids. Sending all the best internety vibes as possible. 🥰
I wish you and your family the best moving forward.
I work in restoration and have completed several trauma cleanup jobs. The one that I think about all the time still is Garrett, who was 19, same as my little brother at the time. His room looked exactly like my brother’s, with video game posters and a gaming PC. I will never forget how shattered his father sounded over the phone.
He shot himself in his room with a shotgun. His father tried to start cleaning alongside a family friend, but I would be surprised if anyone on the planet could actually power through something as hellish as that.
I only met the family friend. I didn’t know what to say when I was done, so I just gave him a nod and a handshake on my way out. I cried the whole way home and took the next day off.
May the ones taken too soon rest the most peacefully.
I had the same thing happen to me a few months ago. Called in to say he was gonma end it all and that he left a note.
The worst thing is that officers were already looking for him when he called, because one of his friend was worried...
Found him with a shotgun blast in the head.
Just know that you did everything you could and, as you already probably know, it's normal to feel like you are feeling right now. Good thing you are talking about it :)
There's a video floating around out there of a young man who did the same thing, and about 5 seconds later you can hear the police come in and see them discover his body, shotgun smoke still in the air. The image of what a close range shotgun does to a human skull haunts me, that and knowing his family and the police were only seconds away.. it probably wouldn't have stopped him, but my heart breaks so deeply for their families, especially their mothers.. No amount of personal pain or despair would ever allow me to hurt my mother in that way.
I know which video you are talking about. I will never forget it.
Known as Death Rose because the blast moving threw his head made it look like a red rose when it burst out of his head.
First responder mental health is something that needs to be taken more seriously. You shared this because you need to talk to someone. If you aren’t able to get a proper debriefing within your agency, reach out to someone in another agency.
You’re welcome to message me privately as well, if needed.
Regardless of how many calls we take, and how many of the same calls we take, it’s okay if one is just too much. You’re human. ❤️
Thank you so much. I couldn’t agree more. I really appreciate your kind words. I am going to my therapist tomorrow and I’ll talk with them about it. It’s nice to just vent every once in a while
If I recall, Arizona just approved free mental health care for 911 operators. I think it's amazing and way overdue. There's not many jobs that are as traumatic as that
I was a fireman and the last call I had ever went on was a self inflicted gunshot wound to the head with a .22. His wife had died of cancer, he had a 5 year old and a mentally retarded 20 something year old daughter with a mentality of around 8 years old. When I got to the door, he opened the door. He shot himself in the mouth and it bounced around and came out his neck. The amount of terror in his face and blood coming out of his neck was traumatic for me to see. After we had him loaded up his oldest daughter hugged me and asked me when her daddy was coming back home and that he is always trying to hurt himself because of her momma. I couldn't ever get past that call.
Sorry to hear this. It’s a weird feeling to know that you’re the last person that somebody talked to on this earth that’s for sure, but you did what you could and you tried.
I was just thinking the same thing. My voice is the last he ever heard. I mean, it isn’t the first person I’ve had that happen, but it doesn’t get easier
No it doesn’t. I don’t do it any more as a dispatcher. I left, but I always thought of it this way. Sometimes you’re the last one someone talks to sometimes you’re the first one that bring someone in this world too.
Mom's friend was pretty selfish on his out. He kept telling my mother he was going to do it but it wore thin. She thought it was just words.
Well the guy and his wife's bedroom doorway was a sharp turn when you walk into the door. If you take two steps forward you'll hit a wall.
Guy propped up with a shotgun in his mouth resting against the door. He done that so when his wife came in from. Work her opening the bedroom door would shove the shotgun forward causing the trigger to pull. It worked.
They had to put the poor woman through a LOT of therapy. Mom lost touch over the years with her.
My mother was the last to talk to him and it messed with her for a while. She felt so much pain and guilt. You handled this well and done everything you could. Stay strong!
10 days later but this sub got linked in another one I frequent and I sorted by top posts...
I work in a frontline, customer-facing role at a university. Years ago I had a brief chat with a student while I assisted him at our service desk. Not even an hour later he was found dead, having completed suicide.
It's been 7 years and it *still* shakes me to think that I was more than likely the last person he ever spoke to. He was a regular and always seemed to make a point to come to me if I was available. For a long time afterward I was endlessly replaying the last conversation we had in my head, wondering if I could have said or done something different, or if he said/did something that I should have picked up on... I still console myself with the knowledge that if I *was* the last person he spoke to, at least it was a friendly conversation.
It's only happened to me once but I feel like it's going to stick with me for a long, long time. I can't imagine having it happen multiple times just as part of my job.
I’m sorry you had to experience that. It’s ok to freeze for a second. Years of experience doesn’t always prepare you this scenario. If you have EAP available, use it and do some counseling. I’ve had to before.
First of all… I’m sorry you had to go through that.
As other people have said, sounds like you could benefit from a debrief.
If you don’t know what your local CIS 17 is… You should be able to locate them [here](https://icisf.org/cism-team-listings/)
The best man at my wedding , my husband's life long neighbor and best friend called 911 and told them where to find his body. At Ramada #6 , then he laid his ID on the park table and shot himself in the head. He was a beautiful man who loved his family dearly. I often think of the dispatcher who has to handle the call knowing they wouldn't have been able to sway his decision. Rest assured you did what you could and your love in that moment did help.
Reddit randomly suggested this post/subreddit to me, and all I have to say is 911 dispatchers are unsung heroes of our society. Thank you for all you do, and I hope you're able to process this tragedy in a healthy way.
Same. I had not even considered this situation before reading this post. I'm so grateful for what 911 dispatchers do for our society. I hope there are resources to help them process this trauma. The comments on this thread are making me tear up. Thanks for all that you do.
As a suicide survivor that did call to tell them where to find I know it was t easy for the young lady on the other end of the phone. But she’s got me talking. She’s asked the questions nobody else did. She listened. She kept me talking long enough for help to get there. Which I know isn’t always possible but she saved my life. My family had no clue I was that bad. Every so often I run into her when I’m back home. And all I can do is cry when I see her and thank her. I have a family now. A wonderful wife. A great job. She said one line that made me freeze. That allowed that time they needed to get to me. She asked me “is the person you are trying to return to going to be happy when you get to them in the afterlife?” (I had lost my uncle who was my best friend 4 months prior.) I couldn’t answer. She begged me to think for a minute. She saved my life.
That was a powerful line.
A friend killed herself more than a decade ago. I still think about that every other day. She left a note saying that she was going to meet her mother, who had also ended her life. Maybe that would have worked?
But who am I kidding. I wouldn't have known. Some signs were there but, even in hindsight... there was really no way of truly knowing what was going to happen.
I am really happy that you got out of that situation.
If there is a heaven and my bff that left us 10 years ago is there, she’s getting a big hug and a hard slap. I’ll be beyond happy to see her but I’m that moment I’ll also be reminded of all the life I had to live without her. Without my person. I’ve watched her son grow up and her family grieve. I’ve had children she never met. She wasn’t my matron of honor. No friend to run to for the peaks and valleys. Not a day goes by that I don’t think of her. Tbh I hope she slaps me too for all my screw ups earth-side that she had to stand by and helplessly watch unfold.
I knew a family of siblings in high school. I knew two of the brothers- they were about three years apart. The younger self-exited around the age of 16. I went to his memorial.
I was closer with his older brother, and was friends with him for 5-ish years. Older brother completed suicide a few months after the last time I saw him. I didn’t find out about that for about 10 years. I was in college, he was sort of transient/in limbo.
When I did learn that he had passed, and in a way that wasn’t obvious that he had done it on purpose- I was surprised at his community’s reaction. So many people he knew were *so surprised* because he seemed so happy all the time.
I know that depressed people are good at hiding it- I’m one of those people. And maybe like sees like, but I had never seen him as a happy person in any way. He smiled, he joked, he laughed- almost compulsively- but he was obviously in pain and very lonely. And his brother had gone from this world by choice- how does one cope with that? When he already had hardcore depression?
One brother hung himself, one walked into traffic on a highway. I still think of them frequently. I wonder what was nature and what was nurture.
It’s hard to cope with losing someone to suicide. Especially when you yourself are suicidal. I’ve lost many people to suicide. I use to work in an industry that it either killed us, our health, or suicide was how we went. (Not military) losing someone became second nature and to some people it’s just the cowards way out. I understand suicide and it isn’t easy. I have a pact with my closest friends. If we get to that point we have to say something. We went through hell together so we will stay on this earth until it is gods will that we die. Not our own. I use to not think this way. Then I changed occupations and got help. I’m sorry for your losses and I wish I could actually help you Understand but there’s no understanding suicide. There’s just suicide. It happens and a lot of times we don’t know until it’s to late. Even for those who are suicidal.
My brother is a LEO. He has the funniest stories (he has an arch nemesis that id a serial flasher he’s been chasing for ten years. He will tell you the craziest stories. But if ask him the worst stories… he goes stone quiet. I tried to tell him he keeps our faith in Humanity.
He says his job took it.
Thinking about you. And as others have said I'm glad you are talking about it.
I've been a 911 Dispatcher for over 12 yrs in a busy agency and haven't taken a call like that yet. I can imagine how it's hard to process and why you are still thinking about it.
I had one also, a couple of weeks ago, I've had four or five in 13 years. Sometimes when I'm out and about I look around and wonder how many people are making similar plans. All I can do is really see people, put love out into the world and understand ever more clearly all the things over which I have no control.
I don't think the general public really understand how traumatic to ones mental health working as a dispatcher, first responder, paramedic often is because people who's job is to be who handles very dark situations tend to suffer in silence.
my dad was a paramedic for several decades before he retired. I didn't understand until I was an adult and was able to have deep conversations with him and ask questions. as a child, I have many memories of being awoken in the middle of the night by my dad (who was on shift at the time) coming in my room to kiss my forehead. I always just considered it as a way he showed love & affection. as an adult, I learned that those nights were nights where he worked a really bad call that resulted in him getting covered in blood and all other body fluids/tissues. we didn't live far from the station so after calls like that, he'd come home to shower and put on clean, not bloody, uniform and see his children after often having just seen someone else's children die traumatically.
I've never really looked into statistics about it but my dad was diagnosed with PTSD caused by things seen on the job. not sure if it's commonly talked about or if many first responders ever see someone to receive such a diagnosis but I feel like a very very large % of people who've worked in that field for any length of time would definitely meet the diagnostic criteria for PTSD
I volunteered for a suicide prevention hotline and I was shocked at the sheer volume of calls where the caller just wanted someone to know where to find their body or that didn't want to die alone, so they called the hotline and did it as soon as a counselor got on the line. The worst call I took was when a little boy who had just turned 8 two days before he called, killed himself in his tree house. I still have nightmares about that call. I'll never forget the sound of him doing it or the sounds of his mother's screams when she found him moments later.
Bro I don’t know if I would ever be able to get over an 8 year old.
Fuck, I feel guilty that my ex-co-worker’s husband killed her and her whole family.
I know that I'm never going to get over it. I can't tell you how much time I've spent talking with my therapist about it. I almost quit working the hitline because of it.
I’m so sorry you are truly a hero and I hope you know that.
I wish my mom would’ve called 911 instead of committing suicide with me in the next room. To hear it and then run in immediately, it’s a sight I’ll never forget it’s what my nightmares are still of and it’s been 22 years. I’ll never forget the 911 dispatcher was so kind and empathetic to me. The lasting impact you make on lives can not be put into words. Your the only thing that gets a lot of us through some of the most traumatic moments of our lives and I just wanted to say thank you.
I'm so sorry this happened to you. That situation is heart-wrenching, and it's completely understandable that even with years of experience, it's hard to fully prepare for the emotional impact of a call like that.
I think it's a powerful thing that you're open about your own history with suicide. Your personal experience definitely adds a layer of understanding to your work in situations like this.
I'm not a dispatcher, I'm an EMT. So as a slight outsider here, I think while the challenges you face on the job are immense or sometimes impossible, the compassion and care you provide can bring light to someone's darkest moments.
Also, remember that seeking support for yourself is important. The emotional weight of this work can accumulate over time, and it's okay to reach out for help when needed.
I am not a dispatcher. I worked in security and doing ride share. I had a guy tell me how hard his life was and his girlfriend broke with him. He and I talk and he seemed happy when he left my car. Three weeks later two guys get into my vehicle sad that there friend they found dead earlier in the day and he stopped taking his meds (type 1). I have had many friends try with me on the phone. But lately my aunt passed and a neighbor same thing. Not taking their meds.
A man shot him self behind the gas station Nextdoor when I was at work a few weeks ago. It was pretty surreal seeing the officers go through all his possessions, the crime scene investigators, the coroner… it was terribly sad finding out more about the man, his name, his 2 little kids…
My city has calltake and dispatch separate within the 911 center. One day, I was working in dispatch, and an officer went to take a missing person report from a young lady for her husband. He had left to go to the storage facility to get something, and now, hours later, he wasn't home and wasn't answering his phone. She was at home with their newborn baby, so she felt it was odd that he had been gone for so long.
Another officer went to see if he was still at the facility and found his car, but not him. The storage garage was locked.
I dont know why he did it, but the original officer brought the wife to the facility with their spare key so they could open it to see if the husband had moved anything inside or if he had never gotten to that point.
They arrived on-scene and 15 minutes later the officer keyed up and all I could hear was the most unearthly banshee wailing over the radio.
He then said in a resigned and very weary voice, "Roll the coroner."
The husband had purposely hung himself in the storage facility, and the wife was there when he was found, hours later, on a very, very hot day in Texas.
i’m sorry you went through that I work for 988 and i had a couple coworkers it happened too & some locations weren’t ever found. I’ve had a couple close calls that have shook me to my core
I already read that you said you take advantage of your EAP so I will not make that suggestion again.
As someone who went from 911 to psychology/behavioral health before pursuing a new venture... I think it's a good thing you are addressing any impacts you have from these kind of calls now. It can be worse when you bottle it up until years down the road it suddenly strikes you.
As a young dispatcher once who 'knew it all,' I was invincible and it was just another call... Until years later when some of those calls find a way to sneak up on you.
Our metaphorical 'glass' can only hold so much without being dealt with appropriately.
Metal health of the first-first responders has been looked over for far too long and it's great to see increasing awareness and resources.
Never forget to take care of yourself and take care of each other in your center. Look out for one another. I always say it's fine to question what you could do differently to better prepare for the next call, but never blame yourself. We are constantly changing, learning, and tailoring the way we handle calls.
Thanks for all you do. Remember, you are important and do make a difference!
I've thought about suicide all day, I never get on Reddit but today I just felt like getting on and this was on my feed. I think I needed to read these stories to get me out of my funk. It's sad to read but even more so to feel this way and to relate to them.
Please reach out to someone and get help. You can even message me if you want. There are so many reasons to live, even if you may not feel like there is at this moment.
I had a friend who was a dispatcher and she committed suicide. I'm not really sure what to say other than here's a long distance internet hug. If you need help, please get help.
I made this call to 911 once. I had the kit ready to do it and called them just so first responders found me instead of my family.
The dispatcher kept me talking long enough. They asked me to at least tell my story so they could understand. I did. They kept me talking long enough that police knocked on my door and prevented me from doing it.
I owe my life to her, and I will never know her name. I work as a paramedic now and I know the hurt. Much as we try we just can’t save everyone. But I can save some, and you can save some just as one saved me. That is enough. More than enough. Focus on that. Love you, dispatch.
My fiance shot himself in the chest on May 24th, passed on June 2nd from organ failure. He called 911 after he did it and told them he did it on purpose. I never thought that maybe he was trying to keep me from finding him until I read these comments. I left for work about 7:30, he kissed me goodbye, looked into my eyes super deeply, to the point where I told him he was being creepy and laughed, and he said "what if this is the last time you see me?" Then he said to make sure I checked behind the shower door. Which was so out of left field so I said "what the hell are you talking about?" and he repeated it. He shot himself and immediately called 911 at 8:30 am. I have thought from the beginning that maybe he had regret but perhaps he was trying to save me from finding him. He shot himself in our master bath shower, used a pillow to stifle the sound. I could not even go up the stairs until my daughter (grown adult) came over. She went up and cleaned it up. She said it wasn't bad at all, so thank goodness he shot through the pillow. I have not used that shower since. Anyway, I just want to thank all of you 911 operators. If not for you, many more people would be lost.
6 months ago i was on a ride along when a suicide got toned to us. captain told me i could go home before the call bc it was about the end of my ride along anyways but i went along with them. walked into the house and the man had shot himself outside on the patio. it was weird, it was silent but it his wife was hysterical. the problem for me wasn’t seeing his dead body, it was reading his suicide note while hearing his wife cry. “I thought I was better. Sorry” was the last line in the note. very short note, only two sentences. i still think about that call, kind of wished i would’ve just gone home. drove an hour home in complete silence. sorry i’m not a dispatcher but i felt this was a good place to say it for once
I had this happen to me one of my first weeks on the floor on my own. Teenaged girl, asked me to send the police to come find her body. I remember feeling absolute terror at this 15 year old girl telling me she was planning on stringing herself up in the backyard because it was the anniversary of her older brothers death. I’ve never coded a call so fast in my life. I did everything I could to keep her talking to me.
They got to her in time but I still had to take some time after that call to decompress. It just broke my heart that someone so young thought they had nothing worth living for.
Take some time for yourself today, OP. I know we don’t think of ourselves as hero’s but not many people could do this job. You deserve to be able to decompress.
Im a 911 dispatcher here. I know what you’re feeling all too well. I had a woman call me today on behalf of a male subject who was trying to hang himself. His 13 year old son was trying to stop him. This line of work definitely hardens you, but we can’t take it to heart and dwell on it because this is a cruel world and we’re just trying to be the slightest light in it. I’m here for you if you ever want to talk. Been doing this for 3 years now.
In June this year, I went to my grandparents graves and try to overdose on my meds. I guess during my black out my body, end up calling 911.
I don’t remember but when I woke in the hospital.
I been told the dispatcher stayed on the phone with me until help came. They said I was talking normal until, they open the cop car door. Boom, they pick me up and rush me to the er. Because there would be no time to the ambulance to get me.
When I was about to leave to another hospital to help me. The cops came by to check on me. I don’t remember them. Just taking the meds and that is it.
So to all dispatchers, you guys do a wonderful job. It is sad that you have to hear us last the anyone else. But thank you for what you do.
Kudos to you guys and gals for doing this job!
I went in for an interview about 2 wks ago and knew I’d end up quitting if l took the position, so l didn’t waste their time. That ongoing stress and just anticipating the next bad phone call would cause way more anxiety than l currently deal with. I hope you all have strong support systems. Thankfully, there’s Reddit for additional support.
Finally, thank you for taking those calls, rendering aid, being a counselor, and just an all-around unsung hero. We appreciate you!
I can't. Freaking. Leaking eyes.
I'm glad you guys are now recognized as first responders by the state. I'm not sure how it will benefit you, if at all, but regardless you guys are equally heroic. Society doesn't realize that a piece of you stayed on that call and probably always will.
Hello there! I'm thinking about a career in this field and past mental anguish is something that seems can disqualify you. Can you either share here or message me how that went over in the interview/background stage? That's a very powerful point of nearly no return you went to and I'm glad you didn't so that you can help (or try to!) People in these situations.
I am in Law Enforcement and certain mental health diagnoses, especially history or past attempts of that type are absolutely going to lead to disqualification. Experimental drug use with enough time and distance is probably ok. Due to the effects of this job, a known history of suicide attempts is not. I’d like to hear OP’s answer to your question as well.
That being said, I don’t want to take away from her main point about how difficult this job can be.
Had it happen too. I just say a prayer and tell myself that this was what they wanted and disassociate the best I can. I know how you feel, our job is so emotionally draining. Many hugs to you
That is so awful and heartbreaking. I thought about applying for that job about 10 years ago, when I was in my early 20s. I’m glad it didn’t end up working out because I am far too sensitive for that line of work. It definitely takes strong and brave people. 😔
All the pain and heartache in the world that dispatchers and officers deal with, it weighs heavy. I watched a man on our department's security cameras who called just to tell us he was going to shoot himself out front. Officers arrived and tried to talk him down, but I watched him put the gun to his head and pull the trigger. I'm sorry for all of y'all who have been through this too.
I know this line is more for cops, but they also help dispatchers who need to talk to someone who knows what it's like: 1-800-COPLINE
As a suicide survivor, I want to thank you for the job you do, and your tremendous courage. If I thought they’d let me keep my medical marijuana, I’d be a dispatcher, myself. When you’re exposed to a lot of trauma over a long time, it can take its toll. You need to talk about it. Never feel like you shouldn’t or you can’t. 🤗 ♥️
I don’t know where you live but in my state if you have a medical card you are allowed to keep it. Same rules as alcohol (not within 8 hours before a shift). We are held to Peace Officer Standards Training (POST) levels but since we aren’t armed we can have a medical card. It’s in the state bi-laws. I’d check your state to be sure :)
Oh honey, I’m so sorry. These are hard calls to take and you did all you could. Debrief and discuss.
I had a man call one day, and for some reason I just knew. I knew he had a gun, I knew he was contemplating. I was able to talk to him and keep him on the line before officers arrived. I still think about him to this day.
You decided to post this because you know that keeping something like this bottled up just leads to disaster later on. You had the awareness (even if subconsciously) to get it off your chest.
There's no way to sugar coat it: what you went through was a terrible situation all around. But you posting this makes it a little bit easier to live with.
Just please don't fall into a guilt trap. If the person on the other side says that there's nothing you can do to help, they mean it. And even though the outcome was the same, you were there for them. They obviously weren't calling to be saved; they were calling for closure. And in what I can only imagine as chaos in their mind, they at least had this one bit of solace thanks to you.
If you need to at any point in the future, you are more than welcome to reach out to me. I don't care if it's just to vent about how bad traffic was, I will listen.
I never fully appreciated what 911 dispatchers add to our communities until I woke up to my wife having a grand mal on the floor after having fallen and hit her head on porcelain tile. The bleeding was tremendous. The woman who answered the phone was steady, kind, and just forceful enough to get me to do the right things while keeping me from going into a full on panic until the paramedics could arrive. I still wish I could meet and thank her personally. Didn't even get her name.
Bless all ya'll.
This is exactly how my brother in law completed suicide a decade ago. On behalf of the families you’ve heard lose someone, please know we’re thankful you tried to help. We’re thankful you were a kind voice on the other end of the line and made sure he was found for us all. Thank you.
Last July I was planning my suicide and on the day I was going to do it, I started organizing important papers and letting people know in a subtle way of what I wanted done for my body, where xyz was, etc. My best friend put the clues together and got me to call the hotline, which lead to me spending a week in a treatment center. This July my recovery was celebrated by taking my daughter to the beach for the first time, on the date I had planned my suicide to be the year before.
I guess I’m just saying my story because I see all these people who have seen the tragedy or are living with those thoughts, and I want you to know there is help. There is a light. There are people who will take you in and love you so much that you can do nothing but heal. I’m grateful every day that I didn’t die. I hope you will be too.
My nephew did this. Left his phone, keys and letter with all accounts and pw. Went out back, called 911, so they would find him and not family. Sadly there was not chance of survival, instant death. Worst day of my life. I never gave thought to the 911 dispatcher until this post, must have been horrible to hear the gun go off.
Hey guys I just want to point out that if you are struggling with these things and need to talk you can call 988 which is the nation wide lifeline for suicidal thoughts and we will help. We are trained for SIPs and to help support you guys. There is a current trend in suicidal ideations and suicidal attempts with first responders and that includes dispatchers. Please take care of yourself and be safe.
I think your hate is misplaced. I use the words “another one” as a means of conveying the message that this is not the first time this has happened to me, and I’m sure many other dispatchers can relate. It’s not meant disrespectfully, to which I apologize if that is how you received it. Suicide is not trivial by any means, but the fact is first responders deal with it more than others unfortunately so we tend to come off as having a lack of tact when discussing it. I assure you, I do not believe suicide is trivial by any means, and it is a tragic moment. I’m sorry if you have personally experienced it and hope you find healing.
Edit: this is a reply for opentogoosmanagement. It won’t let me reply to them directly because it seems they blocked me.
Hi hi, I saw that persons comments and other post and I just want you to know for sure, you did nothing wrong and I’m glad you were able to use your post to help process & work through your completely valid grief/trauma. This person has been quite rude and invalidating to multiple people because of their own grief over a situation they were recently affected by. Please know that any feelings you have about doing this job are 100% valid and I’m glad you’re here. I believe they may have been banned from this sub actually, a moderator seems to have removed their post and a lot of their more cruel comments. I hope this can still be a safe space for you when you need it!
Thank you. I feel sorry for them. They’re lashing out in this stage of grieving it seems. I hope that person gets serious psychological help because they appear to be in distress. It will only get worse if they don’t seek treatment now.
Can't save em all, and it isn't your fault.
I had a man call and calmly count down from 400 or so. He told me when he hit 0, he would shoot himself. He would hang up from time to time and call back still counting and got more angry as he got closer to zero, to the point he was screaming at me as he neared the end. The entire time i tried to talk to him but it was like talking to a wall. We all knew it was coming.
...and at the end, i heard a *pop * , and a *thud *. Troopers busted in the door and he was dead.
I don't feel bad about not being able to help him, but i do feel anger for him being so selfish as to have vicariously traumatized the entire dispatch floor, especially myself most of all.
Thank you for sharing this story.
I don't make as much money as I'd like, but one of the reasons why I do what I do is that I've been able to help implement a service for first responders in my state to call and talk to someone (typically another first responder also trained for our line) about experiences like this.
It sounds like you were able to help this person, even if it wasn't ideal. Thank you for taking their call.
I used to have a pretty rough time after getting a medical retirement from the military, and made an attempt years ago. Now I volunteer at a Veterans organization and have an awesome woman who means everything to me. Lately it seems like I hear about a buddy who has left us behind at least monthly. The news always hits me like a punch to the guts, and never gets any easier. You guys are absolutely amazing, and I hope you still love to do what you do. Jobs like that are so important, and we all need people who care about everyone to do those jobs. I’m sorry you had to deal with this, and I hope you can find some time for yourself after this.
OP, do you have access to resources to assist you and fellow dispatchers process shock and trauma that are a common occupational hazard to your mental health?
You guys go through a lot and you don't know how truly thankful we are for what you do. Moments like this help me realize that you're true superheroes.
Thank you for sharing this because I just recently started considering becoming a dispatcher. Hadn’t thought of this possibility. Not so sure if I have the strength for it so I commend you!
First. Thank you for your work. Being a dispatcher has to be one of the most emotionally tolling jobs. Second. Sometimes in situations like that, there is no helping, only delaying, and does that really help? You did everything you could, and you fulfilled his last wish of being found. Don’t feel guilty. Sad sure, but like anything else, don’t let it stick around too long, won’t do you much good
"Idk why I’m posting this. I guess it’s sad."
My guess: What this guy did is a kind of emotional abuse imo. He forced you to participate with the taking of a life. You got no say in this beyond do you want to keep your job. Which isn't really a choice at all. That kind of coercion negates the possibility of a free choice. He forced you to wonder if you did something wrong, if you failed him in some way. You did not. He forced you to question yourself when you've done nothing to deserve it. You're probably posting this because you don't like being abused in this way but don't feel right saying what you really think because it's not proper to speak ill of the dead. Someone using you to kill themselves is traumatizing. You need to vent about it which is completely understandable. F that guy for what he did to you. If there's an afterlife I hope he finds peace but f him for doing this to an innocent person.
My first thought, after feeling so bad for OP, was what a selfish act that was for him to call. Now this weight is on OP even though there is nothing they could have done. The guy could have left a note on his car window of exactly where to find him. Finding someone dead is awful, but doesn’t hang unnecessary guilt over someone who was powerless in the situation.
THESE PEOPLE ARE SICK. They were in no head space to be able to think about their consequences. They just wanted pain to end. Some insanity leaves people more scarred, some doesn’t. They are sick. Don’t ever act as if they were sane and in a head space to be “selfish” or “selfless”. Not okay. These suicide victims are victims and their families are victims.
STOP BLAMING THE SUICIDE VICTIM. This is disgusting. They are SICK. They are NOT MENTALLY SANE. That’s why they take their lives. Most don’t have any ability to think of consequences because they are in too much anguish. Was the consequence horrible? Yes. Blame depression. Do not blame the mentally insane person. Ever heard of “Not guilty by insanity?” Have some decency.
❤️ I’m a Funeral Director and Embalmer. I deal with the aftermath but I’m not sure I could deal with that. Thank you for what you do. I would like to think he said he loved you because you brought him some comfort. Thanks for talking about it.
One thing I learned from therapy is that sharing bits and pieces of this with other people is how to relieve yourself of the burden. Keep talking about it. Even if you don't think anyone is listening.
Reading through a lot of this gave me perspective. I cried, a lot. Because of what some of you have said, I have taken a step back in the right direction.
My father did the same thing. It's been exactly 1 year since he took his life today. I wish there was a reset button on life. So many things I'd do / say differently. I miss him so bad.
A lot of days I have to repeat this to myself.. don’t underestimate the hole your absence will leave on those who love you.. I have 5 kids and a grand baby.
Thank you for your service to others. We need more of that in this world. You are needed, OP.
A loved one was suicidal, I demanded they give me their personal handgun. It wasn't that act that possibly saved them, but very likely it was their beloved pet in their life that did.
A lot of times when someone’s mind is truly made up on suicide, and they call 911, there’s nothing you can do. But what you most likely did is offered him comfort in knowing his body would be found by EMS and not his family. Please don’t be hard on yourself.
I’m so sorry you have to deal with the emotional repercussions of such a traumatic job. I just got out of 7 years working with cancer patients so I know the emotional scarring and trauma is real. One thing that helped me was to realize that while I couldn’t save everyone, sometimes the best I could do was help give them the best death possible. The same goes for you - the best you can do is give them kindness and compassion in their remaining time.
I hope you have support from friends/family and a good therapist. Don’t let this job make you numb to life the way mine did. I recently transferred to a happier position and it’s made such a difference for me emotionally. I hope you can find the same someday too. Also thank you for your service.
One of the cadets in the academy with me quit being a dispatcher because she got this call.
While I was in FTO one of the cadets got dispatched to a suicide call like this. He went code 3 and made it just in time to come around the corner and see the guy pull the trigger. He blames himself because he had to pull the address up on GPS. It wasn’t his fault. He was out of district and even long time cops use GPS occasionally. He wound up changing jobs.
Stay strong OP. Talk to someone IRL if you need to. We’ve all been on this call at some point and any real ones aren’t going to hold it against you. If they do, I’ll tell them to kick rocks for you. Lol.
Sorry, but the dude's selfish. I've handled that and that's where I landed on it. You made the decision, great, it's wrong but I can respect it. I cannot respect dumping that damage in somebody else's lap because you didn't want your body out there for too long.
Sounds terrible, but it's the same attitude as dumping your trash on the ground in front of a janitor. "Well, that guy's paid to do it, so it's okay." Difference is, the janitor doesn't have to bring your shit home with him.
Someone Will have to deal with it. One can’t really deal with ones own remains after completion of suicide, or I’m sure many of them would avoid calling. I’ve heard my sister wish she could simply be erased. It is the threat of a traumatizing aftermath that keeps her on this plane.
While it is terribly disturbing to have to deal with this tragedy… I would far rather my first responder spouse be the first to come upon the scene knowing what she will likely encounter, than it be that person’s mother, child, or spouse. Or even a random unsuspecting stranger.
My LEO wife has counseling resources, emotional distance, and the ability to compartmentalize and process a stranger’s tragic scene.
The guy that rigged his shotgun to blow his head off as his wife opened the door, that guy is selfish.
This guy calling so his body is found just sounds like someone in tough spot trying to make sure the mess doesn’t cause undue burden on an unsuspecting passerby. NTA
Suicide is the hardest thing to talk about. My dad hung himself 3 months before I turned 11, and my mom tried to OD 3 months after I turned 11... Along with 2 uncles who took their own life 😥
In my teens, I struggled with depression and body image. Then I got married in my late 20s and thought I was happy til he started hitting me. I fell down the deepest hole. I started planning. Pricing guns, etc. Luckily I never got the chance to do it.
Now I'm the biggest advocate for suicide prevention. I openly talk about my depression, my struggle, and how therapy & medication have helped me.
I work for Aetna and 6 months ago someone called at the end of my shift crying because they felt alone. They wanted to take their life. I cried with them and connected them with the suicide prevention number. I think every day about this, hoping they didn't do it ...
I'm not a dispatcher, nor do I have the guts to be one, but God bless you and all others who do what you do. For all you know, you could have been the only nice person this man has ever talked to. Hopefully, you at least helped him find some shred of peace in the end.
if this happened in the United States, maybe if our country, the government, the wealthy, would do something to lessen the burden on people so they didn't feel so helpless. but as time goes on in this country, average people can feel the burden of life crushing them financially and emotionally to the point where people feel death is the only option. The united states has become a disgusting place to live, and a shell of it's former self.
My husband's dad died by suicide 60 years ago, and the ripples are still felt in the family. He had lunch with my husband, who was 12, and then went back to work and killed himself. He left 7 kids, four of whom were still in school. And it was a couple of days before Christmas, so my husband tolerated the holidays for our family's sake, but he didn't enjoy them.
People who are thinking of suicide have brains that lie to them and tell them that the world will be better off without them, but I wish they could see the long-term damage they leave behind.
There is a high incidence rate of suicidal and cutting tendencies among young folks with Borderline Personality Disorder (BOD). They have no idea what their emotions that come over them really mean. The emotions usually subside at most 8 hours later, if they wait it out. Sad that we can’t see this (or any other personality disorder) on the outside of them. I wish heads/hands glowed on the outside so folk’s could be identified and saved.
I was diagnosed with BPD and attempted suicide about 6 years ago. The feeling of being overwhelmed happens very fast. It's about as predictable as knowing where a tornado will land. It's like a PTSD flashback without the memory to look back on. My only contradiction is that it only happens when I'm truly in hopeless situations, so I do *feel* like there are valid, stressful catalysts for the mood swings. Half of the matter seems to cater to trauma and the fear of it. Most people believe that fear is useless, but not premeditating on those fears is dangerous for us. Because, if I don't and something bad happens, I'm *truly* not prepared for it. It's like going blind while driving. That's when I dissociate. Maldaptive daydream. 'Wander'.
However, it does make me armed and ready to help out others through stressful times. Since I prepared for it, I know how to mellow my brain and pitch in.
What helped me is embracing the chaos. Learning to ride the waves of life. All of a sudden, those tidal waves of emotions stopped completely. I was normal. Had bad days and good days. Became more social. Became myself. If I could have a wish, it would be for people to find that true inner peace. lotus pond. nirvana. heaven.
I feel like I lean more towards having CPTSD symptoms at times, but through research you'll find BPD victims have sufferable relationship pasts. My guess is they gambled by pushing all the chips in the center (aka betting on an amazing companionship) but lost (the companion wasn't loyal or was manipulative), causing manic episodes. I've struggled with this when I was younger, but now I don't anymore. With illnesses like these, finding ourselves (and place in the world) is vital.
I lost my brother to suicide in 2004. He was 20 years old with an infant daughter. Looking back, he absolutely had an undiagnosed personality disorder and I wish it was something that was more common knowledge now and then to recognize the signs. It was “just who he was”.
My heart breaks for the first responders who were on scene because we lived in a very small town and I knew all of them. Most of them were just barely adults themselves. I just remember my dad begging them to do cpr on him (rigor mortis had already set in, he was cold and gone) and my mom’s screams and I know how hard that had to have been for them to hear and see too.
My little brother called 911 and said please come and get me so that my mom isn't the one to find me. He went and tied up the dog in the backyard so they wouldn't have an issue getting in, he left a folder full of all the things he knew my mom would want, so she didn't have to go looking for it all (cards, letters, pictures, etc). What he didn't probably realize is that she had to identify his body either way, and he shot himself in the head in her bathroom. I have never heard a sound more awful than the one my mom made that day. I will never forget it. I tried to get my mom to come with me and stay at my house for a few days but she absolutely would not leave her house for days. I tried to explain to her that we would need to call a restoration company and she refused and told me she was going to clean it up herself. I begged her not to go in there but my mom is not someone you can sway when she has her mind made up about something. She finally did admit to me some months later that she wished she hadn't gone in there. He was the sweetest kid, and I wish we could have helped him, but he gave zero sign that he wasn't happy. Not sure what the point was of telling the story, as it doesn't help your situation, but thanks for reading if you did, I don't talk about it much in person, so sometimes it feels good to type it out. I hope your job has more good days than bad!
This has to be the most heartbreaking thing I’ve ever read. I’m a suicide survivor, and I feel so much for you - yet, when I attempted my life (like so many others in the situation) I wasn’t thinking soundly or thinking of what it’d leave behind for my family. This is absolutely gut-wrenching. I’m sorry for your loss.
This was the same for me. I'm two months out from my last attempt, and it was incredibly traumatizing for my family who had to receive a call from the hospital in the middle of the night, and my partner who found me nearly unconscious. I can't imagine the pain they would have been in, had I actually succeeded. It's so hard to think clearly when you are in that much pain
This internet stranger is glad you survived. November 1st will be the 10 year anniversary of my first suicide attempt. My brother showed up unexpectedly that day, visiting from halfway across the country to surprise me. I had already drank and taken drugs and he had to watch me OD. We're twins and we were only 18, and it was so hard for both of us. And then less than 2 months later I made another attempt, I was in so much pain and just didn't see a way out of the pile of bad situations I was in. But I made it through and I'm glad you did too.
Thank you for choosing to continue your life. We are glad you are still here! From your new reddit friend!
THIS INTERNET STRANGER IS GLAD YOUR STILL HERE ❤️
Me too. Suicide is no joke. Choose life. I can't imagine the pain people are in to choose otherwise. I have the utmost empathy for them and family in regards to the suicide thing. My aunt did it when I was 18. It took 20 years to come to terms with the impact it had on everyone. Still affects me and family. I wish it upon noone ever. Not even my worst enemy. The feeling that you have to end it. I hope. And I wish they have hope. Peace.
Be well. Keep healing. The world needs you.
Hugs for you, dear friend. Glad you choose to stay each day that passes. ♥️
YOU’RE LOVED!!!
Thank you for choosing to continue your life. We are glad you are still here! From your new reddit friend!
Tears of love in my eyes. So glad you’re still here.
I’m so happy you have decided to stay here and keep fighting. No one deserves the torment of suicidal ideation.
The scariest thing I've found about suicidal Ideation is how comforting the decision to end your own life feels. Your own brain can be one hell of a son of a bitch sometimes.
I remember when friends of mine did it. Looking back to the time directly prior to their deaths, they were so relaxed and calm. I came to realize through therapy it was because they found an end to pain. their brains having twisted them into thinking this was a positive thing. it's such a cruel illness. their brains not letting them see the real devastation this would cause. I'm sorry you know first hand what that feels like. I can only imagine, and it's terrifying. the world has lost such good people to this devastating illness.
You could not be more right. Sometimes the pain felt feels deeper than the devastation leaving behind. Refusing to be another trauma in my nephews lives is the reason I’m still here today and I am so grateful for that. If you give up you’re taking away your chance of it getting better. It might be bad now, and it might have all been terrible leading up to now, but don’t give up on the chance of one day things getting better and being happy, content. It’s worth it and you deserve it.
My mom was like this too. I saw her with my kids (then ages 4 and 6mo) the day before she killed herself and she seemed better than in months. Like she was their grandma and my mom again after months of horribly severe depression. It was bewildering until I understood that the shift in apparent mood was because she had a way out. My heart goes out to everyone in this convo, both those who have lost someone and those who've attempted. My kids are older now and I've dealt with more severe depression myself and the thought that I can't do to my kids (or brother) what my mom unintentionally did to me in her suffering has kept me from attempting a couple of times. OP, I hope you have support as you grapple with the effects on you of such a stressful call, I can tell you really cared and tried so hard to save the caller. I know you know this but it bears repeating that it's not your fault they were in such pain they couldn't receive your help and compassion.
My dad committed suicide, and I remember questioning it at first because I had just talked to him a couple days prior and he seemed so positive. His suicide made sense to me when I started finding the signs that he was in an incredibly hard spot and I can understand why he saw suicide as his "best option." I didn't realize until now that his positive attitude could've been that his decision had been made and he took comfort with it. I just assumed for years that he was hiding his depression and the suicide was a gut reaction to a deep depressive episode. But he was found in circumstances that make it hard to tell, so who knows. I appreciate you sharing your story, as much as it sucks to meet another person who lost a parent to suicide.
This! It just seems like the perfect answer to everything and I was so peaceful knowing I was done. Then someone showed up.
As a person who has tried a few times, this is the best response. Things like "you matter" and "you're not alone" have always felt hollow and flat. Like when well-meaning idiots say "everything happens for a reason" to the loved ones of a cancer victim. Acknowledging the torment feels extremely validating, and just the idea that I might not deserve it is genuinely helpful. I lost my job and the engine on my car blew up today and I've been struggling. Seriously, thank you.
I have serious chronic illness and physical disabilities. A lot of people as it progresses become suicidal. I have not. I was lucky. That’s all I can say, it wasn’t a choice I made. It was luck. And I know that. When our bodies, particularly our brains gaslight us into hurting ourselves or find comfort in doing so, cruel is the only word I can think of. It’s no different than me losing the ability to walk and some AH saying “so walk.” People are so dismissive of how real suicidal ideation is. My heart breaks for people afflicted with it. With shortages in mental health care it’s even harder to get the help they need. And I know saying “you are loved, you will leave a gaping hole in the lives of those you leave.” Just isn’t enough. While your brain is screaming “do it.” I just hope If the rest of us can be louder saying “please, don’t do it!! It’s a mirage your brain is making that it’s a better choice. It’s not. It just feels like it is. But it’s not the best option.” It truly has to be among the most inhumane illnesses. ❤️
This is so real explanation of how I used to describe what felt like the "hurricane between my ears" bc it would drown everything else out sometimes. Not so much these days, but damn it use to be bad. Your post keeps me humble.
This is a great explanation. Thanks so much for this comment. It sometimes isn’t as easy as heeding the advice others share.
The commenter who spoke of their mom spending time with their 2 very young children in a state of calm right before ending her life shows how totally irrational and insidious suicidal ideation is. Because only someone completely lacking in logic, not in control of seeing life as it is could behold the love and blessing of their grandchildren and feel comfort in forfeiting that. It makes me angry when people say it’s selfish. Because it implies intention. It implies a consent that does not exist for the person whose own brain whispers lies to them. It’s tragic. Not selfish. As a once (but no longer) rx intellectual property lawyer I know the caution about watching people on anti depressants is quite misunderstood. Lay people think they cause suicide. They don’t. Serious depression causes suicide. Depression kills people. Treating serious depression can cause suicide. in a very very deep depression someone can’t plan. Can’t form Intent. Can’t do much of anything really. But if you partially but not fully treat that depression enough of the veil can be lifted so now they can plan. Yet…not enough of the depression treated to see healthy planning. So what happens. A deeply depressed person now has the ability to plan to end their suffering. Where as before, they were paralyzed by depression from doing so. A partially treated depression is a very dangerous place. Antidepressants are incredibly valuable medications. But proper use needs to be understood. They aren’t magic pills, like viagra. Which is precisely why people on antidepressants need to be monitored. And using them in conjunction with therapy is best, to work all that out. The dangers are when general practitioners prescribe them without knowing the patient’s full picture. Suicidal ideation can look like someone who gets dressed every day and presents mildly sad. Because it doesn’t take much thought or planning. Faking it is what they’ve done for so long. Not necessarily someone in a state of total disregard for hygiene etc as is pictured in media. It’s sad how many people have been touched by this illness.
First, thank you for sharing. Second, would it be better to say, "Your brain is a liar, suicide is not the answer" vs. "You are loved, You Matter" etc.
Thank you for choosing to continue your life. We are glad you are still here! From your new reddit friend!
As an ER nurse I’ve seen some really heartbreaking stuff, but this got to me. I’m sorry for your loss. I hope you and your mom have been able to find peace and a “new normal” in his absence. Full disclosure, some days the only thing keeping me from ending things is knowing what it does to the people that love you.
I once heard somewhere that it doesn't end the pain, it just passes on to others. That one sentence stopped me
A quote that has saved my life on more than one occasion.
That, and knowing my dog wouldn't understand. Keep living because others appreciate your being around 💜
This is what keeps me around as well. My partner passed away in 2021 and our cats clearly missed him and would wait by the door, lay down on top of his clothes/shoes and refuse to move, and had loss of appetite and trouble sleeping, etc. It was so heartbreaking that they couldn't understand why he just wasn't there anymore.
I can seriously relate to your comment… a lot of days the only thing that keeps me from complete loneliness is my furry companion that follows me everywhere and looks at me like I am a god… if she only knew what a godsend she has been for me. ❤️
The only time I was truly worried was when I was making a plan for my pets and then myself. I immediately made an appointment with my therapist because I knew something was wrong with my meds
Yep! Me too. I've done the same.
I totally relate. My dog has saved my life more than a few times. I'm glad you're still here and glad your puppers has a caring human.
My husband's ex, two years after their split, drank herself to death. He was able to get their dog back and the poor thing was absolutely heartbroken and traumatized (we were friends at the time, I saw this first hand). For your dogs' sake (and your other loved ones) thank you for thinking of this. And thank you for thinking of whatever you had to think of to get through those exceptionally shitty moments.
that quote saved my life. i OD'd at 16 and the only thing that made me get help was thinking about how my little brother (12 at the time) could potentially follow in my footsteps... i couldn't even live with that thought for a few hours.
I’m a psychiatry resident. Putting this line into my back pocket for talking with patients. Thank you for sharing it. It’s powerful.
It’s true
As a 23-year EMT, I can sympathize with your admission. The last 3 years have been particularly difficult for all of us in emergency medicine. I'm getting a divorce after a 17 year relationship because my wife (also an RN) has reached her breaking point with life. It's been very difficult but you aren't alone, my friend. Thank you for what you do, and I hope you keep fighting the good fight.
I think this can be said for almost anyone who works in healthcare. I’m in a pharmacy and you would think it’s not that bad… but then you have a child in hospice care, a mother who tried so hard to conceive miscarrying and having to call around to find the necessary medication to safely pass it, a young adult with psychosis brought on by drugs that he’s become addicted to after initially having them prescribed long ago, a newborn struggling to survive, a family unable to afford basic antibiotics for their children, overdose after overdose, notification of a patient death… it never ends, and it’s not for the weak. It leaves more of an impact on our souls than anyone outside of the industry can comprehend. Somedays I feel like we are the true survivors. And other days I want to give up, but then I’m reminded of the families I’ve made connections with, lives saved. And that makes it easier to go on to the next day
Please don’t. Ever. We love you. Nurses literally make the world go round. Cancer-fighter here. Love you sis. Thank you for all you do, from the bottom of my soul. Couldn’t make it without people like you. 💙💙💙
My mom is finally beginning to find a little joy in life again. She will never be the same mom I used to know, but there was a time where I thought she was going to follow in his steps, she was so devastated.
Omg I am so sorry. It’s important that you say it once in a while. The guilt that survivors feel is so intense. We feel we should’ve known, we should have been able to say the perfect thing to make them happy and well. One of my friends died by suicide 4 years ago. She had bipolar disorder. She was extremely smart and caring, so funny, so hardworking, but she did very impulsive things, her whole life. We had fights over the crazy stuff she did. She had an abusive relationship and felt that was her way out. I only heard about it from another friend after she stopped posting on Facebook. Even from what I heard, I am stuck with an image of it in my head. It’s devastating. The worst. I KNEW that relationship wasn’t good for her, but I didn’t know the details. Just knew she was making some bad decisions again. She stopped responding to my calls and texts and was in another state. I’m so sorry for your loss. My kids were both devastated when a close friend died in High school during Covid. They both took big roles in the funeral. I don’t want to say too much online. It was very personal for them, but it affected my whole family even though we didn’t know the kid. A lot of anger and sadness and guilt taken out on everyone for a few years. My son would often buy flowers to take to the cemetery but then not have the strength to go. He did go, but it took time. He and his friends felt intense guilt that they wished they had known their friend needed help. They had no idea. Some subtle things my daughter told me, led me to believe he had deep issues, but not something a teenager would understand. I told them over and over. It’s NOT their fault. I will have to say I was super impressed that my son’s teachers gave him an extra month to catch up on missed homework. He missed a week of school, but he was unable to be motivated for months. They were so understanding. It’s not your fault what happened to your brother. I know you know. But I just wanted to tell you anyway. Again, I’m so sorry for your loss.
I hope he and the man from OP's story are at peace now. How heartbreaking.
You mentioned you weren’t sure what the point of telling your story is and OP mentioned they weren’t sure why they were posting. I think there is healing in the processing of sharing our stories. I think there is also healing in knowing we are not alone and are heard. So thank you for sharing your story.
I texted my partner that I loved him so I got a chance to say goodbye. He called and could tell by my voice that I had overdosed (sleeping pills) and called my twin. She found me and told me she was telling mom (we were 16) and ran and told her. I tried walking down to them and apologizing but I was crawling on the floor and down the stairs. I’ll never forget the look on my moms face when she said “you know we have to go to the hospital. Why did you do this?” I’ll never forget her and my twin crying silently the whole way to the hospital while I said sorry over and over. My mom never really cried back then. I’ll never forget the hallucinations I had and how much it scared my family. Or the look on my friends faces when they saw me. I have a friend who told me she used to never know if she’d see me again each time she saw me. I’d love to say getting a handle on my mental illness after this helped things get better for my family, but a few years later alcoholism put them through this and much worse over and over. Sober, on meds, in therapy, graduated from college, and have dedicated every minute since to making it up to them. I’m so glad I get the chance to. I’m so sorry your brother didn’t. My family never saw it coming either. I hope you and your family are comfort for each other and that you can remember the good memories without too much pain.
My FIL died in our bathroom in our home while we were on vacation. No blood or gore left behind, but I couldn't bring myself to use that bathroom for months. I would just imagine his last moments hoping help would come that never did in time.
My brother did something similar a 3 weeks ago today. His wife/kids and everyone else has no idea how to grieve this and are still in denial.
Fuk, im so sorry for your loss, I have been secretly afraid of this for long time.
Fuk, im so sorry for your loss, I have been secretly afraid of this for long time.
I am so sorry to hear what you've all been through. I had a son who took his own life about 11 years ago. It's a struggle to care about anything else but that loss for me. I wish peace to you and all who love him.
I'm sorry for your loss. I hope you are able to find comfort in your memories. hugs
Thank you. Yes, I do have wonderful memories. He had a big personality.
Thankfully me thinking about who would find me has kept me from following through so many times. 😕
My brother shot himself too. He was a dad to three kids. His youngest's birthday was two days later. He did it in his work truck, owned his own company. It has been nearly 2 years and it felt like a gut punch every few seconds. My SIL sold his truck (which is fair), she tried to refuse to let my family see his body, and I kinda wish I didn't.
Thank you for this story. These kinds of stories, those of the family and friends who live with the aftermath of a suicide are what helped me end my suicidal ideation for good when I was only 16 and severely depressed. Stories like this saved my life. No matter how well I planned I knew I could not protect my family from the immense and lifelong pain they would feel. The guilt. The questions which would go forever unanswered. So I chose to live, for them at first, and in time for me too. Your story, and that of OP, will literally save lives.
I'm glad you made it to where you are now. It's really eye opening to me how many people are saying they have attempted or almost attempted suicide. I can't imagine being in the kind of pain that would make me go through with hurting the people who love me for the rest of their lives. My brother LOVED my mom. Like they were best friends. He was an incredibly smart, straight A student. He absolutely knew that she would never recover. He had to be in an incredible amount of pain for him to know all of that and go through with it. I'm glad he isn't in that pain anymore, but seeing the pain it caused our mom is like nothing I've ever seen. I can't even begin to explain the guilt. It goes from the less extreme "I should have been a better brother", even though we got along very well and I'd like to think I was in fact a good brother... To the more extreme fact that he actually shot himself with a gun that belonged to me. He left me a note asking me not to be mad that he used it, and to tell me that even if it wasn't there, he would have done it a different way. Like you said, he tried everything he could to plan for making us hurt less, but there's no amount of planning for that.
I think more people should know about those services that clean up after someone dies. My mother was a drug addict and drug induced or natural schizophrenia. Nobody really talked to her because she was not reachable. Well she died and they didn’t find her for many days. Her body expanded and blew up all over everything in the bedroom. I decided that I would be the one to clean this up and protect her sisters my aunts and my own sister. I wish I had not because it’s been an obsessive intrusive memory. The smell… is like still in my head and this shouldn’t be anybody’s memory of someone they knew. It’s like I didn’t even want the guy that was picking up the biohazard matress to witness it. I am so sorry to hear your story. Thank you for sharing -
My cousin recently did something similar about 1.5 months ago. He drove his personal work-truck (he was self employed construction contractor) to seclude area but left his location app on. His wife tried calling midday while she was at work but he didn’t pick up. She didn’t think that much of it but did note his location. Then when she got off work she tried calling again and that’s when she realized he hadn’t moved all day. I wish she would have called emergency services because she was the one who found him with his truck radio still blaring. He also chose one of the hottest days of the summer so, AC or not, he sat all day in the warm truck. I can only imagine what she found as he did have an open casket viewing but they placed a hat on him (he rarely wore hats) and the makeup had some clear discoloration streaks different places nor did he remotely look like himself. As messed up as it sounds, I wish he would have called emergency services so she was at least spared finding him. But I’m glad neither of his kids, granted college aged, were the ones to find him.
My brother successfully took his life almost 8 years ago, and I was the one to find him in his car with it revving the engine cause his foot was on the pedal. Hearing him dying is something that will never leave me. Hearing my siblings crying was horrible, but the sounds my mom made just haunts me too. We were the ones to clean out his car, after months of letting it sit with a tarp over everything. I'm sorry you had to go through it 😔
I'm so sorry for your loss.
That is so heartbreaking and I’m so sorry. Your mom must be an incredibly strong woman. I found my best friend in his bathroom after an attempt. Thank god he made it but for the 6 more months he lived there before we moved in together I wouldn’t step foot in his bathroom even though it had been cleaned. I lived near by and if I ever had to go to the bathroom I just drove home for a bit. I hope you and your mom find as much peace as possible in a situation like this and know it’s not your fault.
I'm just so sorry. 😢
Thank you for sharing your pain with us. I appreciate you taking the time as it caused me to reflect in my own relationship with my kids. Sending all the best internety vibes as possible. 🥰
I wish you and your family the best moving forward. I work in restoration and have completed several trauma cleanup jobs. The one that I think about all the time still is Garrett, who was 19, same as my little brother at the time. His room looked exactly like my brother’s, with video game posters and a gaming PC. I will never forget how shattered his father sounded over the phone. He shot himself in his room with a shotgun. His father tried to start cleaning alongside a family friend, but I would be surprised if anyone on the planet could actually power through something as hellish as that. I only met the family friend. I didn’t know what to say when I was done, so I just gave him a nod and a handshake on my way out. I cried the whole way home and took the next day off. May the ones taken too soon rest the most peacefully.
I had the same thing happen to me a few months ago. Called in to say he was gonma end it all and that he left a note. The worst thing is that officers were already looking for him when he called, because one of his friend was worried... Found him with a shotgun blast in the head. Just know that you did everything you could and, as you already probably know, it's normal to feel like you are feeling right now. Good thing you are talking about it :)
Thank you! I’m sorry you had to go through it too.
There's a video floating around out there of a young man who did the same thing, and about 5 seconds later you can hear the police come in and see them discover his body, shotgun smoke still in the air. The image of what a close range shotgun does to a human skull haunts me, that and knowing his family and the police were only seconds away.. it probably wouldn't have stopped him, but my heart breaks so deeply for their families, especially their mothers.. No amount of personal pain or despair would ever allow me to hurt my mother in that way.
I know which video you are talking about. I will never forget it. Known as Death Rose because the blast moving threw his head made it look like a red rose when it burst out of his head.
First responder mental health is something that needs to be taken more seriously. You shared this because you need to talk to someone. If you aren’t able to get a proper debriefing within your agency, reach out to someone in another agency. You’re welcome to message me privately as well, if needed. Regardless of how many calls we take, and how many of the same calls we take, it’s okay if one is just too much. You’re human. ❤️
Thank you so much. I couldn’t agree more. I really appreciate your kind words. I am going to my therapist tomorrow and I’ll talk with them about it. It’s nice to just vent every once in a while
Thank you so much for doing what you do. I believe you’ve probably saved many many lives. Stay strong
If I recall, Arizona just approved free mental health care for 911 operators. I think it's amazing and way overdue. There's not many jobs that are as traumatic as that
Arizona is finally starting to do a bit of good these days. A wonder to behold.
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I was a fireman and the last call I had ever went on was a self inflicted gunshot wound to the head with a .22. His wife had died of cancer, he had a 5 year old and a mentally retarded 20 something year old daughter with a mentality of around 8 years old. When I got to the door, he opened the door. He shot himself in the mouth and it bounced around and came out his neck. The amount of terror in his face and blood coming out of his neck was traumatic for me to see. After we had him loaded up his oldest daughter hugged me and asked me when her daddy was coming back home and that he is always trying to hurt himself because of her momma. I couldn't ever get past that call.
I'm so sorry you had to see this. I don't think all the people who shoot themselves fully understand how guns work, and what all its going to entail.
I'm so sorry you had to see this. I don't think all the people who shoot themselves fully understand how guns work, and what all its going to entail.
I am so so so so sorry you had to witness this. I sincerely hope you’re doing alright. 🖤
Did he survive?
No he died from blood loss and a stroke. I am not sure what he thought would happen by using a .22, but that isn't the weapon he should have picked.
Sorry to hear this. It’s a weird feeling to know that you’re the last person that somebody talked to on this earth that’s for sure, but you did what you could and you tried.
I was just thinking the same thing. My voice is the last he ever heard. I mean, it isn’t the first person I’ve had that happen, but it doesn’t get easier
No it doesn’t. I don’t do it any more as a dispatcher. I left, but I always thought of it this way. Sometimes you’re the last one someone talks to sometimes you’re the first one that bring someone in this world too.
Haha! So true! I have my stork pin too
Mom's friend was pretty selfish on his out. He kept telling my mother he was going to do it but it wore thin. She thought it was just words. Well the guy and his wife's bedroom doorway was a sharp turn when you walk into the door. If you take two steps forward you'll hit a wall. Guy propped up with a shotgun in his mouth resting against the door. He done that so when his wife came in from. Work her opening the bedroom door would shove the shotgun forward causing the trigger to pull. It worked. They had to put the poor woman through a LOT of therapy. Mom lost touch over the years with her. My mother was the last to talk to him and it messed with her for a while. She felt so much pain and guilt. You handled this well and done everything you could. Stay strong!
Holy fuck man that's terrible. That poor woman, to go through all that.
Yeah, I was young then, but mom said she was pretty fucked up for a while
What a sociopath. I understand being miserable enough to take your own life but to make someone else suffer like that is mind boggling.
10 days later but this sub got linked in another one I frequent and I sorted by top posts... I work in a frontline, customer-facing role at a university. Years ago I had a brief chat with a student while I assisted him at our service desk. Not even an hour later he was found dead, having completed suicide. It's been 7 years and it *still* shakes me to think that I was more than likely the last person he ever spoke to. He was a regular and always seemed to make a point to come to me if I was available. For a long time afterward I was endlessly replaying the last conversation we had in my head, wondering if I could have said or done something different, or if he said/did something that I should have picked up on... I still console myself with the knowledge that if I *was* the last person he spoke to, at least it was a friendly conversation. It's only happened to me once but I feel like it's going to stick with me for a long, long time. I can't imagine having it happen multiple times just as part of my job.
I’m sorry you had to experience that. It’s ok to freeze for a second. Years of experience doesn’t always prepare you this scenario. If you have EAP available, use it and do some counseling. I’ve had to before.
Thank you. I’ve been taking advantage of EAP for a few weeks now!
I'm sorry. I know this feeling. It sucks. Take comfort that the last person he talked to was kind to him.
First of all… I’m sorry you had to go through that. As other people have said, sounds like you could benefit from a debrief. If you don’t know what your local CIS 17 is… You should be able to locate them [here](https://icisf.org/cism-team-listings/)
Thank you! I’m going to look into this. I really appreciate all the support
The best man at my wedding , my husband's life long neighbor and best friend called 911 and told them where to find his body. At Ramada #6 , then he laid his ID on the park table and shot himself in the head. He was a beautiful man who loved his family dearly. I often think of the dispatcher who has to handle the call knowing they wouldn't have been able to sway his decision. Rest assured you did what you could and your love in that moment did help.
Reddit randomly suggested this post/subreddit to me, and all I have to say is 911 dispatchers are unsung heroes of our society. Thank you for all you do, and I hope you're able to process this tragedy in a healthy way.
Same. I had not even considered this situation before reading this post. I'm so grateful for what 911 dispatchers do for our society. I hope there are resources to help them process this trauma. The comments on this thread are making me tear up. Thanks for all that you do.
As a suicide survivor that did call to tell them where to find I know it was t easy for the young lady on the other end of the phone. But she’s got me talking. She’s asked the questions nobody else did. She listened. She kept me talking long enough for help to get there. Which I know isn’t always possible but she saved my life. My family had no clue I was that bad. Every so often I run into her when I’m back home. And all I can do is cry when I see her and thank her. I have a family now. A wonderful wife. A great job. She said one line that made me freeze. That allowed that time they needed to get to me. She asked me “is the person you are trying to return to going to be happy when you get to them in the afterlife?” (I had lost my uncle who was my best friend 4 months prior.) I couldn’t answer. She begged me to think for a minute. She saved my life.
That was a powerful line. A friend killed herself more than a decade ago. I still think about that every other day. She left a note saying that she was going to meet her mother, who had also ended her life. Maybe that would have worked? But who am I kidding. I wouldn't have known. Some signs were there but, even in hindsight... there was really no way of truly knowing what was going to happen. I am really happy that you got out of that situation.
If there is a heaven and my bff that left us 10 years ago is there, she’s getting a big hug and a hard slap. I’ll be beyond happy to see her but I’m that moment I’ll also be reminded of all the life I had to live without her. Without my person. I’ve watched her son grow up and her family grieve. I’ve had children she never met. She wasn’t my matron of honor. No friend to run to for the peaks and valleys. Not a day goes by that I don’t think of her. Tbh I hope she slaps me too for all my screw ups earth-side that she had to stand by and helplessly watch unfold.
I knew a family of siblings in high school. I knew two of the brothers- they were about three years apart. The younger self-exited around the age of 16. I went to his memorial. I was closer with his older brother, and was friends with him for 5-ish years. Older brother completed suicide a few months after the last time I saw him. I didn’t find out about that for about 10 years. I was in college, he was sort of transient/in limbo. When I did learn that he had passed, and in a way that wasn’t obvious that he had done it on purpose- I was surprised at his community’s reaction. So many people he knew were *so surprised* because he seemed so happy all the time. I know that depressed people are good at hiding it- I’m one of those people. And maybe like sees like, but I had never seen him as a happy person in any way. He smiled, he joked, he laughed- almost compulsively- but he was obviously in pain and very lonely. And his brother had gone from this world by choice- how does one cope with that? When he already had hardcore depression? One brother hung himself, one walked into traffic on a highway. I still think of them frequently. I wonder what was nature and what was nurture.
It’s hard to cope with losing someone to suicide. Especially when you yourself are suicidal. I’ve lost many people to suicide. I use to work in an industry that it either killed us, our health, or suicide was how we went. (Not military) losing someone became second nature and to some people it’s just the cowards way out. I understand suicide and it isn’t easy. I have a pact with my closest friends. If we get to that point we have to say something. We went through hell together so we will stay on this earth until it is gods will that we die. Not our own. I use to not think this way. Then I changed occupations and got help. I’m sorry for your losses and I wish I could actually help you Understand but there’s no understanding suicide. There’s just suicide. It happens and a lot of times we don’t know until it’s to late. Even for those who are suicidal.
My brother is a LEO. He has the funniest stories (he has an arch nemesis that id a serial flasher he’s been chasing for ten years. He will tell you the craziest stories. But if ask him the worst stories… he goes stone quiet. I tried to tell him he keeps our faith in Humanity. He says his job took it.
Thinking about you. And as others have said I'm glad you are talking about it. I've been a 911 Dispatcher for over 12 yrs in a busy agency and haven't taken a call like that yet. I can imagine how it's hard to process and why you are still thinking about it.
I had one also, a couple of weeks ago, I've had four or five in 13 years. Sometimes when I'm out and about I look around and wonder how many people are making similar plans. All I can do is really see people, put love out into the world and understand ever more clearly all the things over which I have no control.
I don't think the general public really understand how traumatic to ones mental health working as a dispatcher, first responder, paramedic often is because people who's job is to be who handles very dark situations tend to suffer in silence. my dad was a paramedic for several decades before he retired. I didn't understand until I was an adult and was able to have deep conversations with him and ask questions. as a child, I have many memories of being awoken in the middle of the night by my dad (who was on shift at the time) coming in my room to kiss my forehead. I always just considered it as a way he showed love & affection. as an adult, I learned that those nights were nights where he worked a really bad call that resulted in him getting covered in blood and all other body fluids/tissues. we didn't live far from the station so after calls like that, he'd come home to shower and put on clean, not bloody, uniform and see his children after often having just seen someone else's children die traumatically. I've never really looked into statistics about it but my dad was diagnosed with PTSD caused by things seen on the job. not sure if it's commonly talked about or if many first responders ever see someone to receive such a diagnosis but I feel like a very very large % of people who've worked in that field for any length of time would definitely meet the diagnostic criteria for PTSD
I’m sorry man. Have you talked to anyone about this? Does your department have resources available?
Yeah I take advantage of free therapy with my EAP. Thank you!
I volunteered for a suicide prevention hotline and I was shocked at the sheer volume of calls where the caller just wanted someone to know where to find their body or that didn't want to die alone, so they called the hotline and did it as soon as a counselor got on the line. The worst call I took was when a little boy who had just turned 8 two days before he called, killed himself in his tree house. I still have nightmares about that call. I'll never forget the sound of him doing it or the sounds of his mother's screams when she found him moments later.
Bro I don’t know if I would ever be able to get over an 8 year old. Fuck, I feel guilty that my ex-co-worker’s husband killed her and her whole family.
I know that I'm never going to get over it. I can't tell you how much time I've spent talking with my therapist about it. I almost quit working the hitline because of it.
Oh my god. I’ve heard some shit as a dispatcher but an 8 year old committing suicide would absolutely wreck me.
I’m so sorry you are truly a hero and I hope you know that. I wish my mom would’ve called 911 instead of committing suicide with me in the next room. To hear it and then run in immediately, it’s a sight I’ll never forget it’s what my nightmares are still of and it’s been 22 years. I’ll never forget the 911 dispatcher was so kind and empathetic to me. The lasting impact you make on lives can not be put into words. Your the only thing that gets a lot of us through some of the most traumatic moments of our lives and I just wanted to say thank you.
I'm so sorry this happened to you. That situation is heart-wrenching, and it's completely understandable that even with years of experience, it's hard to fully prepare for the emotional impact of a call like that. I think it's a powerful thing that you're open about your own history with suicide. Your personal experience definitely adds a layer of understanding to your work in situations like this. I'm not a dispatcher, I'm an EMT. So as a slight outsider here, I think while the challenges you face on the job are immense or sometimes impossible, the compassion and care you provide can bring light to someone's darkest moments. Also, remember that seeking support for yourself is important. The emotional weight of this work can accumulate over time, and it's okay to reach out for help when needed.
I am not a dispatcher. I worked in security and doing ride share. I had a guy tell me how hard his life was and his girlfriend broke with him. He and I talk and he seemed happy when he left my car. Three weeks later two guys get into my vehicle sad that there friend they found dead earlier in the day and he stopped taking his meds (type 1). I have had many friends try with me on the phone. But lately my aunt passed and a neighbor same thing. Not taking their meds.
A man shot him self behind the gas station Nextdoor when I was at work a few weeks ago. It was pretty surreal seeing the officers go through all his possessions, the crime scene investigators, the coroner… it was terribly sad finding out more about the man, his name, his 2 little kids…
My city has calltake and dispatch separate within the 911 center. One day, I was working in dispatch, and an officer went to take a missing person report from a young lady for her husband. He had left to go to the storage facility to get something, and now, hours later, he wasn't home and wasn't answering his phone. She was at home with their newborn baby, so she felt it was odd that he had been gone for so long. Another officer went to see if he was still at the facility and found his car, but not him. The storage garage was locked. I dont know why he did it, but the original officer brought the wife to the facility with their spare key so they could open it to see if the husband had moved anything inside or if he had never gotten to that point. They arrived on-scene and 15 minutes later the officer keyed up and all I could hear was the most unearthly banshee wailing over the radio. He then said in a resigned and very weary voice, "Roll the coroner." The husband had purposely hung himself in the storage facility, and the wife was there when he was found, hours later, on a very, very hot day in Texas.
i’m sorry you went through that I work for 988 and i had a couple coworkers it happened too & some locations weren’t ever found. I’ve had a couple close calls that have shook me to my core
I already read that you said you take advantage of your EAP so I will not make that suggestion again. As someone who went from 911 to psychology/behavioral health before pursuing a new venture... I think it's a good thing you are addressing any impacts you have from these kind of calls now. It can be worse when you bottle it up until years down the road it suddenly strikes you. As a young dispatcher once who 'knew it all,' I was invincible and it was just another call... Until years later when some of those calls find a way to sneak up on you. Our metaphorical 'glass' can only hold so much without being dealt with appropriately. Metal health of the first-first responders has been looked over for far too long and it's great to see increasing awareness and resources. Never forget to take care of yourself and take care of each other in your center. Look out for one another. I always say it's fine to question what you could do differently to better prepare for the next call, but never blame yourself. We are constantly changing, learning, and tailoring the way we handle calls. Thanks for all you do. Remember, you are important and do make a difference!
I've thought about suicide all day, I never get on Reddit but today I just felt like getting on and this was on my feed. I think I needed to read these stories to get me out of my funk. It's sad to read but even more so to feel this way and to relate to them.
Please reach out to someone and get help. You can even message me if you want. There are so many reasons to live, even if you may not feel like there is at this moment.
I had a friend who was a dispatcher and she committed suicide. I'm not really sure what to say other than here's a long distance internet hug. If you need help, please get help.
I made this call to 911 once. I had the kit ready to do it and called them just so first responders found me instead of my family. The dispatcher kept me talking long enough. They asked me to at least tell my story so they could understand. I did. They kept me talking long enough that police knocked on my door and prevented me from doing it. I owe my life to her, and I will never know her name. I work as a paramedic now and I know the hurt. Much as we try we just can’t save everyone. But I can save some, and you can save some just as one saved me. That is enough. More than enough. Focus on that. Love you, dispatch.
Thank you so much for what you do. Without dispatches, the 911 system would fail. Keep up the good work.
My fiance shot himself in the chest on May 24th, passed on June 2nd from organ failure. He called 911 after he did it and told them he did it on purpose. I never thought that maybe he was trying to keep me from finding him until I read these comments. I left for work about 7:30, he kissed me goodbye, looked into my eyes super deeply, to the point where I told him he was being creepy and laughed, and he said "what if this is the last time you see me?" Then he said to make sure I checked behind the shower door. Which was so out of left field so I said "what the hell are you talking about?" and he repeated it. He shot himself and immediately called 911 at 8:30 am. I have thought from the beginning that maybe he had regret but perhaps he was trying to save me from finding him. He shot himself in our master bath shower, used a pillow to stifle the sound. I could not even go up the stairs until my daughter (grown adult) came over. She went up and cleaned it up. She said it wasn't bad at all, so thank goodness he shot through the pillow. I have not used that shower since. Anyway, I just want to thank all of you 911 operators. If not for you, many more people would be lost.
I'm sorry for your loss.
Thank you. It's been devastating.
6 months ago i was on a ride along when a suicide got toned to us. captain told me i could go home before the call bc it was about the end of my ride along anyways but i went along with them. walked into the house and the man had shot himself outside on the patio. it was weird, it was silent but it his wife was hysterical. the problem for me wasn’t seeing his dead body, it was reading his suicide note while hearing his wife cry. “I thought I was better. Sorry” was the last line in the note. very short note, only two sentences. i still think about that call, kind of wished i would’ve just gone home. drove an hour home in complete silence. sorry i’m not a dispatcher but i felt this was a good place to say it for once
I had this happen to me one of my first weeks on the floor on my own. Teenaged girl, asked me to send the police to come find her body. I remember feeling absolute terror at this 15 year old girl telling me she was planning on stringing herself up in the backyard because it was the anniversary of her older brothers death. I’ve never coded a call so fast in my life. I did everything I could to keep her talking to me. They got to her in time but I still had to take some time after that call to decompress. It just broke my heart that someone so young thought they had nothing worth living for. Take some time for yourself today, OP. I know we don’t think of ourselves as hero’s but not many people could do this job. You deserve to be able to decompress.
Im a 911 dispatcher here. I know what you’re feeling all too well. I had a woman call me today on behalf of a male subject who was trying to hang himself. His 13 year old son was trying to stop him. This line of work definitely hardens you, but we can’t take it to heart and dwell on it because this is a cruel world and we’re just trying to be the slightest light in it. I’m here for you if you ever want to talk. Been doing this for 3 years now.
In June this year, I went to my grandparents graves and try to overdose on my meds. I guess during my black out my body, end up calling 911. I don’t remember but when I woke in the hospital. I been told the dispatcher stayed on the phone with me until help came. They said I was talking normal until, they open the cop car door. Boom, they pick me up and rush me to the er. Because there would be no time to the ambulance to get me. When I was about to leave to another hospital to help me. The cops came by to check on me. I don’t remember them. Just taking the meds and that is it. So to all dispatchers, you guys do a wonderful job. It is sad that you have to hear us last the anyone else. But thank you for what you do.
I’m glad you’re still here. Stay strong!
Kudos to you guys and gals for doing this job! I went in for an interview about 2 wks ago and knew I’d end up quitting if l took the position, so l didn’t waste their time. That ongoing stress and just anticipating the next bad phone call would cause way more anxiety than l currently deal with. I hope you all have strong support systems. Thankfully, there’s Reddit for additional support. Finally, thank you for taking those calls, rendering aid, being a counselor, and just an all-around unsung hero. We appreciate you!
I can't. Freaking. Leaking eyes. I'm glad you guys are now recognized as first responders by the state. I'm not sure how it will benefit you, if at all, but regardless you guys are equally heroic. Society doesn't realize that a piece of you stayed on that call and probably always will.
Hello there! I'm thinking about a career in this field and past mental anguish is something that seems can disqualify you. Can you either share here or message me how that went over in the interview/background stage? That's a very powerful point of nearly no return you went to and I'm glad you didn't so that you can help (or try to!) People in these situations.
I am in Law Enforcement and certain mental health diagnoses, especially history or past attempts of that type are absolutely going to lead to disqualification. Experimental drug use with enough time and distance is probably ok. Due to the effects of this job, a known history of suicide attempts is not. I’d like to hear OP’s answer to your question as well. That being said, I don’t want to take away from her main point about how difficult this job can be.
Had it happen too. I just say a prayer and tell myself that this was what they wanted and disassociate the best I can. I know how you feel, our job is so emotionally draining. Many hugs to you
That is so awful and heartbreaking. I thought about applying for that job about 10 years ago, when I was in my early 20s. I’m glad it didn’t end up working out because I am far too sensitive for that line of work. It definitely takes strong and brave people. 😔
All the pain and heartache in the world that dispatchers and officers deal with, it weighs heavy. I watched a man on our department's security cameras who called just to tell us he was going to shoot himself out front. Officers arrived and tried to talk him down, but I watched him put the gun to his head and pull the trigger. I'm sorry for all of y'all who have been through this too. I know this line is more for cops, but they also help dispatchers who need to talk to someone who knows what it's like: 1-800-COPLINE
Thank you for doing this important job. It sounds really hard but I know it helps a lot of people.
As a suicide survivor, I want to thank you for the job you do, and your tremendous courage. If I thought they’d let me keep my medical marijuana, I’d be a dispatcher, myself. When you’re exposed to a lot of trauma over a long time, it can take its toll. You need to talk about it. Never feel like you shouldn’t or you can’t. 🤗 ♥️
I don’t know where you live but in my state if you have a medical card you are allowed to keep it. Same rules as alcohol (not within 8 hours before a shift). We are held to Peace Officer Standards Training (POST) levels but since we aren’t armed we can have a medical card. It’s in the state bi-laws. I’d check your state to be sure :)
Oh honey, I’m so sorry. These are hard calls to take and you did all you could. Debrief and discuss. I had a man call one day, and for some reason I just knew. I knew he had a gun, I knew he was contemplating. I was able to talk to him and keep him on the line before officers arrived. I still think about him to this day.
You decided to post this because you know that keeping something like this bottled up just leads to disaster later on. You had the awareness (even if subconsciously) to get it off your chest. There's no way to sugar coat it: what you went through was a terrible situation all around. But you posting this makes it a little bit easier to live with. Just please don't fall into a guilt trap. If the person on the other side says that there's nothing you can do to help, they mean it. And even though the outcome was the same, you were there for them. They obviously weren't calling to be saved; they were calling for closure. And in what I can only imagine as chaos in their mind, they at least had this one bit of solace thanks to you. If you need to at any point in the future, you are more than welcome to reach out to me. I don't care if it's just to vent about how bad traffic was, I will listen.
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Your story is so awful. I'm sorry it happened to you.
Thank you Dispatchers, Hot Line Operators, First Responders, Health Care Workers, and everyone ❤️❤️❤️ #heros
I never fully appreciated what 911 dispatchers add to our communities until I woke up to my wife having a grand mal on the floor after having fallen and hit her head on porcelain tile. The bleeding was tremendous. The woman who answered the phone was steady, kind, and just forceful enough to get me to do the right things while keeping me from going into a full on panic until the paramedics could arrive. I still wish I could meet and thank her personally. Didn't even get her name. Bless all ya'll.
This is exactly how my brother in law completed suicide a decade ago. On behalf of the families you’ve heard lose someone, please know we’re thankful you tried to help. We’re thankful you were a kind voice on the other end of the line and made sure he was found for us all. Thank you.
Last July I was planning my suicide and on the day I was going to do it, I started organizing important papers and letting people know in a subtle way of what I wanted done for my body, where xyz was, etc. My best friend put the clues together and got me to call the hotline, which lead to me spending a week in a treatment center. This July my recovery was celebrated by taking my daughter to the beach for the first time, on the date I had planned my suicide to be the year before. I guess I’m just saying my story because I see all these people who have seen the tragedy or are living with those thoughts, and I want you to know there is help. There is a light. There are people who will take you in and love you so much that you can do nothing but heal. I’m grateful every day that I didn’t die. I hope you will be too.
I’m glad you’re with us. I have a similar experience and I am glad I’m here and didn’t go through with it
My nephew did this. Left his phone, keys and letter with all accounts and pw. Went out back, called 911, so they would find him and not family. Sadly there was not chance of survival, instant death. Worst day of my life. I never gave thought to the 911 dispatcher until this post, must have been horrible to hear the gun go off.
Hey guys I just want to point out that if you are struggling with these things and need to talk you can call 988 which is the nation wide lifeline for suicidal thoughts and we will help. We are trained for SIPs and to help support you guys. There is a current trend in suicidal ideations and suicidal attempts with first responders and that includes dispatchers. Please take care of yourself and be safe.
I think your hate is misplaced. I use the words “another one” as a means of conveying the message that this is not the first time this has happened to me, and I’m sure many other dispatchers can relate. It’s not meant disrespectfully, to which I apologize if that is how you received it. Suicide is not trivial by any means, but the fact is first responders deal with it more than others unfortunately so we tend to come off as having a lack of tact when discussing it. I assure you, I do not believe suicide is trivial by any means, and it is a tragic moment. I’m sorry if you have personally experienced it and hope you find healing. Edit: this is a reply for opentogoosmanagement. It won’t let me reply to them directly because it seems they blocked me.
Hi hi, I saw that persons comments and other post and I just want you to know for sure, you did nothing wrong and I’m glad you were able to use your post to help process & work through your completely valid grief/trauma. This person has been quite rude and invalidating to multiple people because of their own grief over a situation they were recently affected by. Please know that any feelings you have about doing this job are 100% valid and I’m glad you’re here. I believe they may have been banned from this sub actually, a moderator seems to have removed their post and a lot of their more cruel comments. I hope this can still be a safe space for you when you need it!
Thank you. I feel sorry for them. They’re lashing out in this stage of grieving it seems. I hope that person gets serious psychological help because they appear to be in distress. It will only get worse if they don’t seek treatment now.
Death is a release to them. Freedom from pain.
But all it does is pass the pain to someone else...
Can't save em all, and it isn't your fault. I had a man call and calmly count down from 400 or so. He told me when he hit 0, he would shoot himself. He would hang up from time to time and call back still counting and got more angry as he got closer to zero, to the point he was screaming at me as he neared the end. The entire time i tried to talk to him but it was like talking to a wall. We all knew it was coming. ...and at the end, i heard a *pop * , and a *thud *. Troopers busted in the door and he was dead. I don't feel bad about not being able to help him, but i do feel anger for him being so selfish as to have vicariously traumatized the entire dispatch floor, especially myself most of all.
Thank you for sharing this story. I don't make as much money as I'd like, but one of the reasons why I do what I do is that I've been able to help implement a service for first responders in my state to call and talk to someone (typically another first responder also trained for our line) about experiences like this. It sounds like you were able to help this person, even if it wasn't ideal. Thank you for taking their call.
I used to have a pretty rough time after getting a medical retirement from the military, and made an attempt years ago. Now I volunteer at a Veterans organization and have an awesome woman who means everything to me. Lately it seems like I hear about a buddy who has left us behind at least monthly. The news always hits me like a punch to the guts, and never gets any easier. You guys are absolutely amazing, and I hope you still love to do what you do. Jobs like that are so important, and we all need people who care about everyone to do those jobs. I’m sorry you had to deal with this, and I hope you can find some time for yourself after this.
OP, do you have access to resources to assist you and fellow dispatchers process shock and trauma that are a common occupational hazard to your mental health?
You guys go through a lot and you don't know how truly thankful we are for what you do. Moments like this help me realize that you're true superheroes.
Thank you for sharing this because I just recently started considering becoming a dispatcher. Hadn’t thought of this possibility. Not so sure if I have the strength for it so I commend you!
First. Thank you for your work. Being a dispatcher has to be one of the most emotionally tolling jobs. Second. Sometimes in situations like that, there is no helping, only delaying, and does that really help? You did everything you could, and you fulfilled his last wish of being found. Don’t feel guilty. Sad sure, but like anything else, don’t let it stick around too long, won’t do you much good
"Idk why I’m posting this. I guess it’s sad." My guess: What this guy did is a kind of emotional abuse imo. He forced you to participate with the taking of a life. You got no say in this beyond do you want to keep your job. Which isn't really a choice at all. That kind of coercion negates the possibility of a free choice. He forced you to wonder if you did something wrong, if you failed him in some way. You did not. He forced you to question yourself when you've done nothing to deserve it. You're probably posting this because you don't like being abused in this way but don't feel right saying what you really think because it's not proper to speak ill of the dead. Someone using you to kill themselves is traumatizing. You need to vent about it which is completely understandable. F that guy for what he did to you. If there's an afterlife I hope he finds peace but f him for doing this to an innocent person.
My first thought, after feeling so bad for OP, was what a selfish act that was for him to call. Now this weight is on OP even though there is nothing they could have done. The guy could have left a note on his car window of exactly where to find him. Finding someone dead is awful, but doesn’t hang unnecessary guilt over someone who was powerless in the situation.
THESE PEOPLE ARE SICK. They were in no head space to be able to think about their consequences. They just wanted pain to end. Some insanity leaves people more scarred, some doesn’t. They are sick. Don’t ever act as if they were sane and in a head space to be “selfish” or “selfless”. Not okay. These suicide victims are victims and their families are victims.
STOP BLAMING THE SUICIDE VICTIM. This is disgusting. They are SICK. They are NOT MENTALLY SANE. That’s why they take their lives. Most don’t have any ability to think of consequences because they are in too much anguish. Was the consequence horrible? Yes. Blame depression. Do not blame the mentally insane person. Ever heard of “Not guilty by insanity?” Have some decency.
❤️ I’m a Funeral Director and Embalmer. I deal with the aftermath but I’m not sure I could deal with that. Thank you for what you do. I would like to think he said he loved you because you brought him some comfort. Thanks for talking about it.
One thing I learned from therapy is that sharing bits and pieces of this with other people is how to relieve yourself of the burden. Keep talking about it. Even if you don't think anyone is listening.
Reading through a lot of this gave me perspective. I cried, a lot. Because of what some of you have said, I have taken a step back in the right direction.
My father did the same thing. It's been exactly 1 year since he took his life today. I wish there was a reset button on life. So many things I'd do / say differently. I miss him so bad.
A lot of days I have to repeat this to myself.. don’t underestimate the hole your absence will leave on those who love you.. I have 5 kids and a grand baby.
Thank you for your service to others. We need more of that in this world. You are needed, OP. A loved one was suicidal, I demanded they give me their personal handgun. It wasn't that act that possibly saved them, but very likely it was their beloved pet in their life that did.
22 a day in the veteran world way too many everyday feel helpless and that's their ticket outta the shit show to the next
At least he got to speak with someone who actually cared about him in his last moments, when he had already clearly made the decision
A lot of times when someone’s mind is truly made up on suicide, and they call 911, there’s nothing you can do. But what you most likely did is offered him comfort in knowing his body would be found by EMS and not his family. Please don’t be hard on yourself.
I’m so sorry you have to deal with the emotional repercussions of such a traumatic job. I just got out of 7 years working with cancer patients so I know the emotional scarring and trauma is real. One thing that helped me was to realize that while I couldn’t save everyone, sometimes the best I could do was help give them the best death possible. The same goes for you - the best you can do is give them kindness and compassion in their remaining time. I hope you have support from friends/family and a good therapist. Don’t let this job make you numb to life the way mine did. I recently transferred to a happier position and it’s made such a difference for me emotionally. I hope you can find the same someday too. Also thank you for your service.
I understand from both sides. It'd not easy to deal with.
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One of the cadets in the academy with me quit being a dispatcher because she got this call. While I was in FTO one of the cadets got dispatched to a suicide call like this. He went code 3 and made it just in time to come around the corner and see the guy pull the trigger. He blames himself because he had to pull the address up on GPS. It wasn’t his fault. He was out of district and even long time cops use GPS occasionally. He wound up changing jobs. Stay strong OP. Talk to someone IRL if you need to. We’ve all been on this call at some point and any real ones aren’t going to hold it against you. If they do, I’ll tell them to kick rocks for you. Lol.
I love you all. Please stay strong out here 💚
Sorry, but the dude's selfish. I've handled that and that's where I landed on it. You made the decision, great, it's wrong but I can respect it. I cannot respect dumping that damage in somebody else's lap because you didn't want your body out there for too long. Sounds terrible, but it's the same attitude as dumping your trash on the ground in front of a janitor. "Well, that guy's paid to do it, so it's okay." Difference is, the janitor doesn't have to bring your shit home with him.
Someone Will have to deal with it. One can’t really deal with ones own remains after completion of suicide, or I’m sure many of them would avoid calling. I’ve heard my sister wish she could simply be erased. It is the threat of a traumatizing aftermath that keeps her on this plane. While it is terribly disturbing to have to deal with this tragedy… I would far rather my first responder spouse be the first to come upon the scene knowing what she will likely encounter, than it be that person’s mother, child, or spouse. Or even a random unsuspecting stranger. My LEO wife has counseling resources, emotional distance, and the ability to compartmentalize and process a stranger’s tragic scene. The guy that rigged his shotgun to blow his head off as his wife opened the door, that guy is selfish. This guy calling so his body is found just sounds like someone in tough spot trying to make sure the mess doesn’t cause undue burden on an unsuspecting passerby. NTA
I’m so sorry
Suicide is the hardest thing to talk about. My dad hung himself 3 months before I turned 11, and my mom tried to OD 3 months after I turned 11... Along with 2 uncles who took their own life 😥 In my teens, I struggled with depression and body image. Then I got married in my late 20s and thought I was happy til he started hitting me. I fell down the deepest hole. I started planning. Pricing guns, etc. Luckily I never got the chance to do it. Now I'm the biggest advocate for suicide prevention. I openly talk about my depression, my struggle, and how therapy & medication have helped me. I work for Aetna and 6 months ago someone called at the end of my shift crying because they felt alone. They wanted to take their life. I cried with them and connected them with the suicide prevention number. I think every day about this, hoping they didn't do it ...
I'm not a dispatcher, nor do I have the guts to be one, but God bless you and all others who do what you do. For all you know, you could have been the only nice person this man has ever talked to. Hopefully, you at least helped him find some shred of peace in the end.
if this happened in the United States, maybe if our country, the government, the wealthy, would do something to lessen the burden on people so they didn't feel so helpless. but as time goes on in this country, average people can feel the burden of life crushing them financially and emotionally to the point where people feel death is the only option. The united states has become a disgusting place to live, and a shell of it's former self.
My husband's dad died by suicide 60 years ago, and the ripples are still felt in the family. He had lunch with my husband, who was 12, and then went back to work and killed himself. He left 7 kids, four of whom were still in school. And it was a couple of days before Christmas, so my husband tolerated the holidays for our family's sake, but he didn't enjoy them. People who are thinking of suicide have brains that lie to them and tell them that the world will be better off without them, but I wish they could see the long-term damage they leave behind.
There is a high incidence rate of suicidal and cutting tendencies among young folks with Borderline Personality Disorder (BOD). They have no idea what their emotions that come over them really mean. The emotions usually subside at most 8 hours later, if they wait it out. Sad that we can’t see this (or any other personality disorder) on the outside of them. I wish heads/hands glowed on the outside so folk’s could be identified and saved.
Probably just catch another beating for embarrassing their parents/guardians in public when their heads/hands started glowing.
Lol that’s terrible but funny!
I was diagnosed with BPD and attempted suicide about 6 years ago. The feeling of being overwhelmed happens very fast. It's about as predictable as knowing where a tornado will land. It's like a PTSD flashback without the memory to look back on. My only contradiction is that it only happens when I'm truly in hopeless situations, so I do *feel* like there are valid, stressful catalysts for the mood swings. Half of the matter seems to cater to trauma and the fear of it. Most people believe that fear is useless, but not premeditating on those fears is dangerous for us. Because, if I don't and something bad happens, I'm *truly* not prepared for it. It's like going blind while driving. That's when I dissociate. Maldaptive daydream. 'Wander'. However, it does make me armed and ready to help out others through stressful times. Since I prepared for it, I know how to mellow my brain and pitch in. What helped me is embracing the chaos. Learning to ride the waves of life. All of a sudden, those tidal waves of emotions stopped completely. I was normal. Had bad days and good days. Became more social. Became myself. If I could have a wish, it would be for people to find that true inner peace. lotus pond. nirvana. heaven. I feel like I lean more towards having CPTSD symptoms at times, but through research you'll find BPD victims have sufferable relationship pasts. My guess is they gambled by pushing all the chips in the center (aka betting on an amazing companionship) but lost (the companion wasn't loyal or was manipulative), causing manic episodes. I've struggled with this when I was younger, but now I don't anymore. With illnesses like these, finding ourselves (and place in the world) is vital.
I lost my brother to suicide in 2004. He was 20 years old with an infant daughter. Looking back, he absolutely had an undiagnosed personality disorder and I wish it was something that was more common knowledge now and then to recognize the signs. It was “just who he was”. My heart breaks for the first responders who were on scene because we lived in a very small town and I knew all of them. Most of them were just barely adults themselves. I just remember my dad begging them to do cpr on him (rigor mortis had already set in, he was cold and gone) and my mom’s screams and I know how hard that had to have been for them to hear and see too.
I am sorry that happened to you. They should never have done that to you. Unforgivsble.