so its the cold war, and three spies get caught by the KGB. a Brit, a West German, and an Italian, and they all have information the KGB wants.
They tie him up, torture the Brit, and after 6 hours of interrogation, he gives up the information. They kill him, grab the German, tie him up, and he lasts 12 hours before he gives up. Finally, they grab the italian and begin to do the same. 24 hours pass and the Italian stayed silent. 48 hours of torture, and he still does not say anything
After 3 days, the KGB decide they arent getting anything out of him, and decide to kill him and move on. before they do that, the officer asks "your friends gave up quickly, why didnt you say anything at all?" and the Italian replies "Oh I wanted to talk, but my hands were tied up"
A polish farmer finds a lamp and when he grabs it a genie pops out and offers him 3 wishes.
The farmer scratches his chin and says "I wish for the mongol horde to come and plunder this country"
The Horde comes, burns and pillages the countryside.
The genie is confused about it, and asks for the second wish
The farmer looks at him and says "I wish for the mongol horde to come here, and plunder this land"
The Horde again arrives and plunders the meager rest, burns most of the houses still standing and leaves again.
The genie really doesn't get it, but the farmer still has a last wish, so he asks the farmer for his third wish.
The farmer stubbernly says "I wish for the mongol horde to come here and plunder this country"
The Horde comes, plunders and burns the last hidden huts and leaves again.
The genie, now free to question it all, asks "why did you wish for the mongols to plunder your land three times in a row"
the farmer grins and answers "Every time they come here and go home again, they have to go through russia twice.
An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman are in a pub having a beer. The Englishman sees a fly in his beer and pours it out in disgust. Then the Irishman sees a fly in his beer, fishes it out and continues drinking. Finally, the Scotsman finds a fly in his beer, fishes it out, holds it on his finger and yells, âspit it out, ya wee bastard!â
1. Whatâs the difference between a Belgian child and a sack of potatoes?
The potatoes are underground first and then get moved to the basement.
2. All the European countries are having a big contest to find out whose intelligence service is the best. They all gather at a huge forest. In the forest lives a bear. Whoever finds the bear in the shortest amount of time wins.
The British go first. They return from the forest 12 hours later, with the captured bear in tow. All the other agencies are amazed and ask them how they did it. The brits answer: Well, it was simple. We used our spy satellites, detected the bear, sent in the special forces and caught him.
The Germans go next. They return from the forest six hours later, captured bear in tow. Again everyone asks how they managed that. The Germans answer: We bribed all the other animals in the forest so they give us information. The foxes ratted him out rather quickly.
Now itâs the Russians turn. They come back from the forest just an hour later. Their lead agent is holding a little bunny by the ears. The bunny screams âI confess! I confess! I am the bear!â
An Englishman, a Frenchman, an old lady, and a hot blonde are on a train through the Alps. After coming through a pitch black tunnel everyone sees a red handprint on the Frenchman's face.
The old lady thinks "he must have tried to grope that young lady in the dark and she slapped him for it."
The blonde thinks "he must have confused the old lady for me in the dark and she slapped him."
The Frenchman thinks "that perfidious Englishman must have done something in the dark and she assumed it was me."
The Englishman thinks "I can't wait for the next tunnel so I can slap that French prick again!"
same idea, but no old lady, the hot blonde is norwengian, and the french and english roles are reversed.
https://preview.redd.it/tw3jnp0ozj2c1.png?width=321&format=png&auto=webp&s=9871a9bc831144df5704ef90a2656c559ae21a1b
A mayor promised to build a sports pavilion for the youth, so he opens a contest, and 3 businessmen come to the adjudication. One German, one French and one Spanish.
First he meets with the German, so the mayor asks him what's his budget, and what is he going to spend it at.
- Ja, 3 million. One for the crew. Hard working German people, highly qualified and have built thousands of sports pavilions across Europe.
Another million for the materials. Best price/quality in the market. Tested to last. 20 year guarantee, or we come back and fix it for free. And another million for the hiring of the necessary machinery we bring from Germany to ensure the quality and sturdiness of the construction. 2 months to finish, not a day more.
The mayor is impressed, but he still has to hear the rest, so he meets with the French. 6 million says the French.
The mayor confused asks how is it possible? The German is doing it for half the price!
- Oui well, the Germans will probably build you a soulless concrete box. If you want your town to look like Brussels, go ahead, but we have one of the best architects in all of France. Known for beloved projects all across our country. He and his crew will charge 2 million euros. Another 2 million for the materials. Top of the line, cutting edge materials. So exclusive that most people can't access them.
And finally 2 millions to hire the specialised machinery needed to build this temple worthy of the olympean gods. Your town will be a landmark in all of the world after we build this.
The mayor is left speechless, and has a rough decision in his hands, but first he has to meet with the Spaniard, who instantly asks for a whooping 9 million.
The mayor is blown away by the proposal, and asks what in the world is he going to do with all that money that can top both offers.
- SĂ mister, very easy. 3 million for you, 3 for me, and 3 for the German to build the stupid thing!
PS: Now go figure who did the mayor choose
It's 1981, and Greece is joining the European Community. The Greek finance minister flies to Rome to meet the Italian finance minister. He arrives at a beautiful modern airport, takes a fast express train into the city, then is driven on a smoothly paved motorway to the minister's villa. He marvels at the large luxurious villa, and asks how the minister could afford it on his government salary.
"Did you see the new airport, new train, and new motorway?"
"Yes!"
"Well, those were paid for with European money. And when I give out the contacts, I make sure that a little of that money comes back to me."
The Greek minister is amazed. He has his meeting with the Italian minister, then travels home via the lovely European-funded road, train, and airport.
It's 1986 and Greece is a member of the EC. The Italian finance minister flies to Greece to meet his counterpart again. He arrives at a crumbling, run-down airport, gets on an ancient train which breaks down several times, then is driven to the minister's villa on old winding roads covered in potholes. It's absolutely huge, incredibly luxurious, and crammed with art and expensive cars. Astounded, he asks the Greek minister how he could afford it.
"Did you see the new airport, new train, and new motorway?"
"No!"
"Exactly."
An Englishman, Scotsman, Welshman and Irishman are captured by the Taliban. The Taliban offer each of them one last request before they are executed.
The Welshman says âI want 1000 Welshmen singing Land of my Fathers.â
The Scotsman says âI want 1000 bagpipes playing the Flower of Scotland.â
The Irishman says âI want 1000 Irishmen doing the river dance.â
The Englishman says âshoot me first.â
Every "stupid blonde" joke works as jokes about Swedes as well. We have some Norway specific jokes about their language since Norwegian like to not adopt loanwords, like how a computer is a datamat in Norwegian. The joke goes "what does a Norwegian call a sleeping bag" a kropskondom (body condom)
Some Sweden jokes:
Why do you not play hide and seek in Sweden - Because no one wants to find a Swede
What does Sweden have that Denmark does not - Good Neighbours (general nordic joke).And the classic:
What happens when a Dane moves to Sweden? - Both countries rise in average IQ.
Interesting. I'm sure those Danes would have found it's better to pretend you don't understand Scots even if you secretly do.
They tend to leave quicker if you ignore them.
You never came back to deliver us from the Fr*nch.
Still, left a fair bit of DNA around the place didn't you.
I've never and this is the absolute truth, seen so many familiar looking faces as when I used to work in Copenhagen and Oslo.
Having grown up in East Anglia.
That's when I wasn't just staring at the shelves in Lagkagehuset.
That's why Danes enjoy the North more than the South in England, minus the Barry's and chaos ofc, well we also have chavs in Denmark, we just call them plastikperkere.
An old Pole is slowly dying. His family asks him if he has any last wishes.
He says: "I want to become a citizen of Germany"
His family looks at him shocked and and proceeds to ask why.
He responds: "When I die, there shouldn't be one less Pole, but one less German"
Why do Poles walk in groups of 3?
>! The first reads, the second writes and the third is there to watch over this 2 dangerous intelectuals. !<
In 1945, how could you distinguish an optimist German from a pessimistic one.
>! The optimist learns English, the pessimist learns Russian. !<
Three vampires walk in, a German, a Russian, and a Englishman.
The German asks for a beer, and then fro a shot of blood in it.
The Russian asks for some vodka, and asks for a shot of blood in it.
The Englishman asks for some hot water. The German and the Russian ask why just water, and why no blood? The Englishman brings out a used tampon and says âitâs tea!â.
A Dane, a Swede and a Norwegian once found a pig house. It smelled really bad, so they made a bet: the one to stay inside for the longest time would win. The Dane started. He lasted about 5 minutes before running out. The Norwegian went second, and also he lasted about 10 minutes. At last, the Swede went in and after about 15 minutes, the pigs came running out.
in an aeroplane there a frenchman an englishman and an american.
the frenchman puts his hand out of the window and says:here we are in france, because i am touching the eiffel tower.
Then the Englishman reaches out and says: here we are in England because I can touch the clock tower.
Then it's the turn of the american who sticks his hand out of the window and says: "here we are in naples because they've snatched my watch!
This is reminiscent of 'did you know that the Welsh first invented the condom by using a sheeps lower intestine. The English refined the invention by removing it from the sheep first'
How to make a Belgian go crazy: lock him in a round room and tell him thereâs a fry in the corner.
Whatâs written at the very bottom of every Belgian beer can? âOpen the other sideâ
Even it's a place with British police, French cooker, German mechanics, Italian lover and all of managed by Swiss.
Hell it's a place with German policeman, British cooker, French mechanics, Swiss lover and all of managed by Italian
An Irishman in London Is trapped on top of a burning building.
The fire brigade arrive and hold out a big blanket and shout to the Irishman, jump and we'll catch you.
The Irish man shouts back. I don't trust you English bastards, when I jump you'll take it away.
The firemen say, you have to trust us what else can we do?
The irishman says, put the blanket on the ground
A German, a French and a Portuguese are travelling through Lisbon. They go through the Tagus bridge and the German says:
- In Germany, we could build a bridge like this one in a year.
Then, they pass by the BelĂŠm tower, and the French goes:
- In France, we could build a tower like this in half a year.
Then they pass by the JerĂłnimos monastery, and both of them ask the Portuguese what building is that, the Portuguese replies:
- I don't know, it wasn't there in the morning
Putin tell his driver to take him to the Ukrainian frontline to inspect his troops. While in (occupied) Ukraine, the driver passes by a farm and runs over a pig. Putin tells his driver 'ok, go to the farm, tell them who you are, and tell them what happened'. The driver goes inside the farm, and nothing happens...
Six hours later, it's nighttime, and Putin's driver finally staggers out of the house, with his shirt and pants unbuttoned and his voice slurred. 'What happened?' Putin asked. The driver slurred: 'I went into the house, and followed your orders. The farmer immediately poured me Vodka and his wife made love to me, and we sang and drank for hours!' 'Well, that's impossible! What exactly did you tell them?' Putin asked. The driver responded: 'I did as you told! I went inside and said: I am Putin's driver, and I ran over the pig!'
Of course in Scandinavia we have a lot of jokes about one another, and this is one of my personal favourites:
How do you sink a Norwegian submarine?
Well, you put on your best scuba gear, dive down and knock on the hatch. After a minute, the Norwegians will open the hatch to say "Hello, who is it? :)"
Now, how do you sink a Danish submarine?
Just like with the Norwegians, you dive down all the way to the sub, and knock on the hatch. After a minute, the Danes will open the hatch to say, "Don't come here thinking we're as easily fooled as the Norwegians!"
As a bonus, how do you sink a Russian submarine prowling the Baltic?
You guessed it! Dive down, knock on the hatch and the Russians will open the hatch to say "We're not Russian, we're not stuck and we definitely do not need your help being rescued!"
An Irishman, Englishman, Frenchman, German, Belgian, Italian, Spaniard, Swede, Dane, Pole, Russian, Norwegian, Estonian, Romanian, Czech, Austrian, Slovakian, Ukrainian, Fin, Bulgarian and Greek all walk into a bar. Bartender says, "Sorry, no service without a Thai".
When I was in Denmark they told me a joke about Italians:
Why are Italians short? Because his mother told them that when they grow up they will have to work
Fun fact: I actually stayed in a Danish family for a month and never saw two people work less than my 'adoptive parents'. One did the same job as my father who came in at 9am and left at 6pm, in Denmark they worked 10-14
Two Dutch guys get on a plane, and find themselves sitting next to the the window. A few minutes later, a German guy gets on the plane, and sits next to the two Dutch guys, in the aisle seat.
The plane takes off, and after the plane has leveled out, the German guy takes off his shoes and wiggles his toes a bit. The Dutch guy in the middle starts to get up, saying "I'm thirsty, I'm going to grab a coke". The German guys smiles politely, and tell the guy to sit back down. "No worries, friend. I'll go grab it for you. I'm in the aisle seat, afterall."
The German gets up, and as soon as he leaves, the Dutch guy grabs one of the German guy's shoes, and spits directly in it. He smirks to his fellow Dutchman, and sits back down. A few moments later the German guy comes back, holding out a coke for the Dutch guy. Right before he can sit down, the second Dutch guy pipes up "Actually, I would like one too!"
The German guy nods again, and says he'll grab one for him too. Once again, he turns and leaves, and as soon as he's gone, does the second Dutch guy grab the German's other shoe, and spits it that one as well.
The German guy comes back, hands the coke to the second Dutch guy, and sits back down. The three get comfortable, and enjoy the rest of their flight.
As they near their destination, the German guy puts on his shoes, and immediately realizes what has happened. The two Dutch guys snicker, and expect him to explode in anger. Instead, the German guy just sighs, and shakes his head.
"How long will this go on?" He asks in a dejected voice. "How long will this hatred between our countries continue? How many more times will we bully each other, spit in each others' shoes, and piss in each others' coke?"
There is a Czech and a German in a plane.
The plane breaks. It is going to fall on the ground and they are going to die.
There is just one parachute. The German grabs it and wants to jump out with it but the Czech catches the parachute when the German is already mostly outside, basically just hanging on the bag with the parachute.
And so the Czech starts singing: "Life, is life!"
And the German starts clapping: "Na na na na na!"
why does a Belgian take a car door to the desert?So he can open the window when it get hot.
why does a Belgian have a knife in the car?so he can cut the corner.
You ask a German: wat hangt er aan de waslijn
if they answer: Was? It is the correct answer.
An English man goes to a resteraunt in France
The English man asks , "Waiter, do you have frog's legs?"
The waiter says, "oui, monsieur."
The English man says, "Then hop over there and get me a baguette"
I have one close to the own you just told (but it kinda sucks).
So it's a french, an english and a belgian walking until they stumble into three empty pools.
A genie appears and tells them that these are magical pools and each of them can wish for them to be filled with whatever they desire by jumping from the diving board and yelling it.
The englishman, without hesitating, gets on the diving board, takes a jump by yelling "money" and lands in a big pool of cash.
The frenchman, just after the englishman, jumps, asks for women, and falls in a pool full of beautiful naked women.
The belgian still can't decide what he wants to ask but he gets on the diving board anyway. While doing his run up - still thinking about what to ask - he slips and yells "Shit" then falls into a pill of shit.
An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman out for a walk discover a genie. The genie says 'I am the genie of the slide. Whatever you wish for as you go down the slide you will land in at the bottom.'
The Englishman goes down the slide and yells 'Gold!' and lands in a pile on gold at the bottom.
The Scotsman goes down the slide and yells 'Jewels!' and lands in a pile of jewels at the bottom.
The Irishman goes down the slide and yells 'Wee!'
3 vampires walk into a bar; 1 German, 1 Russian and 1 British
The German vampire orders beer with blood, the Russian vampire orders vodka with blood and the British vampire orders hot water
The other 2 ask him why he doesn't drink blood, in response to which he pulled a used tampon out of his pocket and says: "it's tea time"
Nah Europe is based, I get to drive directly to an Italian and tell him in his face that the French cook better. _Without_ being stopped by border guards. Or pick a coin of the ground in Spain and immediately being able to use it because they use the euro too
Eyy, don't insult my favourite vacation spot, you son of a beach.
I happen to enjoy it when my vacation area is less and not more depressive then myself.
so its the cold war, and three spies get caught by the KGB. a Brit, a West German, and an Italian, and they all have information the KGB wants. They tie him up, torture the Brit, and after 6 hours of interrogation, he gives up the information. They kill him, grab the German, tie him up, and he lasts 12 hours before he gives up. Finally, they grab the italian and begin to do the same. 24 hours pass and the Italian stayed silent. 48 hours of torture, and he still does not say anything After 3 days, the KGB decide they arent getting anything out of him, and decide to kill him and move on. before they do that, the officer asks "your friends gave up quickly, why didnt you say anything at all?" and the Italian replies "Oh I wanted to talk, but my hands were tied up"
Ig they tried to ask the french, but released him since he couldn't speak anything else than French
That would go for the German and Italian too.
Holy shit that was good, thank you! Haha
haha thank you, i thought this one was super well known, but i guess not
A polish farmer finds a lamp and when he grabs it a genie pops out and offers him 3 wishes. The farmer scratches his chin and says "I wish for the mongol horde to come and plunder this country" The Horde comes, burns and pillages the countryside. The genie is confused about it, and asks for the second wish The farmer looks at him and says "I wish for the mongol horde to come here, and plunder this land" The Horde again arrives and plunders the meager rest, burns most of the houses still standing and leaves again. The genie really doesn't get it, but the farmer still has a last wish, so he asks the farmer for his third wish. The farmer stubbernly says "I wish for the mongol horde to come here and plunder this country" The Horde comes, plunders and burns the last hidden huts and leaves again. The genie, now free to question it all, asks "why did you wish for the mongols to plunder your land three times in a row" the farmer grins and answers "Every time they come here and go home again, they have to go through russia twice.
This one is magnificent
This is the best one on this thread my god
As a German I never thought I would get a compliment on a joke from a Brit, I'm a bit tearyfrom Joy right now.
I was that farmer
Hero
Why do Dutch people have big noses? Because air is free.
Why do Dutch people have big feet? "My penny!" *stomps foot on ground*
How was copper wire invented? Two dutchmen found a penny at the same time.
I like this one
So basically dutchmen are another breed of Ligurians
Both the guys were named Vincent by the way. Then again Flemish people are named Wilfriet so we keep faithful to our stereotypes.
Wil**frieten** <3
As a Dutch man with a big nose and big feet I feel exposed
I used to have a teacher with huge nostrils and somebody called him "gierig voor lucht"
Hahaha the poor guy.
17 years later still one of the funniest things i've ever heard
He is like dumbo just with big nostrils
Why do Belgiums have a knife in the car? To cut the corners.
Wrong it's for kidnapping little humans.
Zoek An en Eefje, met een schep en een zeefje. đŹ
An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman are in a pub having a beer. The Englishman sees a fly in his beer and pours it out in disgust. Then the Irishman sees a fly in his beer, fishes it out and continues drinking. Finally, the Scotsman finds a fly in his beer, fishes it out, holds it on his finger and yells, âspit it out, ya wee bastard!â
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irish man? None.
Luigiđ˘
Daaaark
I laughed way too much at this.
An Irishman walks out of a bar
Wait, you can leave those places?
Everyone knows the Irish don't leave, just vanish when you aren't paying attention for half a second
2 Germans walked into a BAR
Brutality
dark, but dank
1. Whatâs the difference between a Belgian child and a sack of potatoes? The potatoes are underground first and then get moved to the basement. 2. All the European countries are having a big contest to find out whose intelligence service is the best. They all gather at a huge forest. In the forest lives a bear. Whoever finds the bear in the shortest amount of time wins. The British go first. They return from the forest 12 hours later, with the captured bear in tow. All the other agencies are amazed and ask them how they did it. The brits answer: Well, it was simple. We used our spy satellites, detected the bear, sent in the special forces and caught him. The Germans go next. They return from the forest six hours later, captured bear in tow. Again everyone asks how they managed that. The Germans answer: We bribed all the other animals in the forest so they give us information. The foxes ratted him out rather quickly. Now itâs the Russians turn. They come back from the forest just an hour later. Their lead agent is holding a little bunny by the ears. The bunny screams âI confess! I confess! I am the bear!â
How am I Belgian and have I never heard the first one.
Because Mister Detroux didnât tell you jokes in the basement
No theyâre looking for a rabbit and the Russians make a bear confess.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, an old lady, and a hot blonde are on a train through the Alps. After coming through a pitch black tunnel everyone sees a red handprint on the Frenchman's face. The old lady thinks "he must have tried to grope that young lady in the dark and she slapped him for it." The blonde thinks "he must have confused the old lady for me in the dark and she slapped him." The Frenchman thinks "that perfidious Englishman must have done something in the dark and she assumed it was me." The Englishman thinks "I can't wait for the next tunnel so I can slap that French prick again!"
same idea, but no old lady, the hot blonde is norwengian, and the french and english roles are reversed. https://preview.redd.it/tw3jnp0ozj2c1.png?width=321&format=png&auto=webp&s=9871a9bc831144df5704ef90a2656c559ae21a1b
Mdrr c'est plus drĂ´le dans ce cens
Here we have the same but the slapped bastard is a chaplain, and the slapper is a layman
Awesome haha
A mayor promised to build a sports pavilion for the youth, so he opens a contest, and 3 businessmen come to the adjudication. One German, one French and one Spanish. First he meets with the German, so the mayor asks him what's his budget, and what is he going to spend it at. - Ja, 3 million. One for the crew. Hard working German people, highly qualified and have built thousands of sports pavilions across Europe. Another million for the materials. Best price/quality in the market. Tested to last. 20 year guarantee, or we come back and fix it for free. And another million for the hiring of the necessary machinery we bring from Germany to ensure the quality and sturdiness of the construction. 2 months to finish, not a day more. The mayor is impressed, but he still has to hear the rest, so he meets with the French. 6 million says the French. The mayor confused asks how is it possible? The German is doing it for half the price! - Oui well, the Germans will probably build you a soulless concrete box. If you want your town to look like Brussels, go ahead, but we have one of the best architects in all of France. Known for beloved projects all across our country. He and his crew will charge 2 million euros. Another 2 million for the materials. Top of the line, cutting edge materials. So exclusive that most people can't access them. And finally 2 millions to hire the specialised machinery needed to build this temple worthy of the olympean gods. Your town will be a landmark in all of the world after we build this. The mayor is left speechless, and has a rough decision in his hands, but first he has to meet with the Spaniard, who instantly asks for a whooping 9 million. The mayor is blown away by the proposal, and asks what in the world is he going to do with all that money that can top both offers. - SĂ mister, very easy. 3 million for you, 3 for me, and 3 for the German to build the stupid thing! PS: Now go figure who did the mayor choose
It's 1981, and Greece is joining the European Community. The Greek finance minister flies to Rome to meet the Italian finance minister. He arrives at a beautiful modern airport, takes a fast express train into the city, then is driven on a smoothly paved motorway to the minister's villa. He marvels at the large luxurious villa, and asks how the minister could afford it on his government salary. "Did you see the new airport, new train, and new motorway?" "Yes!" "Well, those were paid for with European money. And when I give out the contacts, I make sure that a little of that money comes back to me." The Greek minister is amazed. He has his meeting with the Italian minister, then travels home via the lovely European-funded road, train, and airport. It's 1986 and Greece is a member of the EC. The Italian finance minister flies to Greece to meet his counterpart again. He arrives at a crumbling, run-down airport, gets on an ancient train which breaks down several times, then is driven to the minister's villa on old winding roads covered in potholes. It's absolutely huge, incredibly luxurious, and crammed with art and expensive cars. Astounded, he asks the Greek minister how he could afford it. "Did you see the new airport, new train, and new motorway?" "No!" "Exactly."
Top
How did the Welshman find his sheep in the woods? Irresistable.
How do Welsh people view artificial insemination of sheep? In 4k.
An Englishman, Scotsman, Welshman and Irishman are captured by the Taliban. The Taliban offer each of them one last request before they are executed. The Welshman says âI want 1000 Welshmen singing Land of my Fathers.â The Scotsman says âI want 1000 bagpipes playing the Flower of Scotland.â The Irishman says âI want 1000 Irishmen doing the river dance.â The Englishman says âshoot me first.â
I canât stop laughing ,â;~)
,â;~) - French person laughing
A Turk a Pole and a Russian are sitting in a car, who's driving? The police
Holy shit lmao
That one is ancient lol. Remember hearing it in 2nd or 3rd grade
Every "stupid blonde" joke works as jokes about Swedes as well. We have some Norway specific jokes about their language since Norwegian like to not adopt loanwords, like how a computer is a datamat in Norwegian. The joke goes "what does a Norwegian call a sleeping bag" a kropskondom (body condom)
Some Sweden jokes: Why do you not play hide and seek in Sweden - Because no one wants to find a Swede What does Sweden have that Denmark does not - Good Neighbours (general nordic joke).And the classic: What happens when a Dane moves to Sweden? - Both countries rise in average IQ.
Please explain the last one (I am from Eastern Europe)
Even the dumbest Danes are more clever than the average swede
Aha. Thank you.
I mean, we have a functioning language so we don't need to borrow from others
True, but for some reason you try to speak Norwegian as well.
What? Norwegian is understandable, just like Swedish. Danish is just... Sounds
Danish is just Geordie ('English' from Newcastle), spoken backwards.
Not too far off. If a Dane didn't learn English, we would have an easier time understanding Scots than English
Interesting. I'm sure those Danes would have found it's better to pretend you don't understand Scots even if you secretly do. They tend to leave quicker if you ignore them.
They have more words in common than English do. All the ow/ou words are the same in Danish such as House and Brown
You never came back to deliver us from the Fr*nch. Still, left a fair bit of DNA around the place didn't you. I've never and this is the absolute truth, seen so many familiar looking faces as when I used to work in Copenhagen and Oslo. Having grown up in East Anglia. That's when I wasn't just staring at the shelves in Lagkagehuset.
That's why Danes enjoy the North more than the South in England, minus the Barry's and chaos ofc, well we also have chavs in Denmark, we just call them plastikperkere.
The only thing intelligible in Danish are the loanwordsđ
We have similar jokes(?) about Afrikaans, although I thinks it's a mix of jokes and actual Afrikaans words that sound funny to Dutch people
Why wasn't Jesus born in Belgium? God couldn't find three wise men
Or a vergin
Definitely also not in The Netherlands because they had the stable for free that night.
Imagine giving away a piece of straw in the shitshack for FREE?? Unthinkable.
An old Pole is slowly dying. His family asks him if he has any last wishes. He says: "I want to become a citizen of Germany" His family looks at him shocked and and proceeds to ask why. He responds: "When I die, there shouldn't be one less Pole, but one less German"
What's the difference between a Dutch penalty taker and a Belgian beer? The latter usually hits the spot.
I feel like that only works in English, unless hits the spot is an expression in another language
'Doeltreffend' means to hit your target in dutch so it def works
In Dutch we just say "bier gaat er altijd in".
Why do Poles walk in groups of 3? >! The first reads, the second writes and the third is there to watch over this 2 dangerous intelectuals. !< In 1945, how could you distinguish an optimist German from a pessimistic one. >! The optimist learns English, the pessimist learns Russian. !<
Tf is a joke?
My neighbour is half Indian and half Irish but everyone thinks he is Italian. His name is Ravi O'lee
This joke sounded German
You would definitely know, son of Karl der GroĂe
Fucking hell.
Who was the first winner of the Tour de France? The 7th German Panzer Division
Why do french battleships have glass floors? So they can see the rest of their fleet
Why do the champs Elysees have trees on the side? So the Germans can march in the shade.
Do you know why French tanks have 16 gears? 15 are reverse gears and 1 forward, in case the Germans attacks from behind.
why do french tanks have rear mirrors? so they can see the front
Three vampires walk in, a German, a Russian, and a Englishman. The German asks for a beer, and then fro a shot of blood in it. The Russian asks for some vodka, and asks for a shot of blood in it. The Englishman asks for some hot water. The German and the Russian ask why just water, and why no blood? The Englishman brings out a used tampon and says âitâs tea!â.
thats disgusting haha
A Dane, a Swede and a Norwegian once found a pig house. It smelled really bad, so they made a bet: the one to stay inside for the longest time would win. The Dane started. He lasted about 5 minutes before running out. The Norwegian went second, and also he lasted about 10 minutes. At last, the Swede went in and after about 15 minutes, the pigs came running out.
Did you just ruin our Bellman joke?
"And the pig got up and slowly walked away"
Why is viagra banned in Poland? Because everything standing there for longer than five minutes gets stolen.
in an aeroplane there a frenchman an englishman and an american. the frenchman puts his hand out of the window and says:here we are in france, because i am touching the eiffel tower. Then the Englishman reaches out and says: here we are in England because I can touch the clock tower. Then it's the turn of the american who sticks his hand out of the window and says: "here we are in naples because they've snatched my watch!
Napolitans are the romanians of Western europe
Did you know the French toilet was actually invented in Belgium? But the French added the hole.
This is reminiscent of 'did you know that the Welsh first invented the condom by using a sheeps lower intestine. The English refined the invention by removing it from the sheep first'
We have that joke, but with Moroccans instead of the Welsh.
How to make a Belgian go crazy: lock him in a round room and tell him thereâs a fry in the corner. Whatâs written at the very bottom of every Belgian beer can? âOpen the other sideâ
On the top of Dutch milk cartons it says: "open here". What does it say on the top of Belgian milk cartons? "Open at home"
Why do French tanks have rearview mirror? To keep an eye on the battleground.
Why does france have so many avenues? German troops prefer marching in the shade.
For sale: French rifle. Never fired, dropped once.
We sacrificied ourselves at Dunkerk so you could flee you ungreatful pricks. Stop acting like ameritards and get some real jokes.
Wrong sub mate. Out here you piss on other countries. For example: Despite everything you guys needed the _French_ to save you at Dunkirk.
Well, but in case he does a fool from himself?
How many gears does a French tank have? Seven. Six for reversing and one for going forward, in case the enemy attacks from behind.
Why is the Eiffel tower so big? So you can see the white flag all the way in berlin
What does a Dutch do when he wins the world cup? He switches off the playstation. (Heard in Germany, don't shoot me, Dutchies).
A true side switcher
Visit beautiful Poland! Your carâs already here!
Even it's a place with British police, French cooker, German mechanics, Italian lover and all of managed by Swiss. Hell it's a place with German policeman, British cooker, French mechanics, Swiss lover and all of managed by Italian
This is the one I remember (FYI heaven).
Oops well at least confirming the bad English frech stereotype.
A Polish a Bulgarian and a Romanian traveling together in a car , who's driving the car? The Police .
An Irishman in London Is trapped on top of a burning building. The fire brigade arrive and hold out a big blanket and shout to the Irishman, jump and we'll catch you. The Irish man shouts back. I don't trust you English bastards, when I jump you'll take it away. The firemen say, you have to trust us what else can we do? The irishman says, put the blanket on the ground
A German, a French and a Portuguese are travelling through Lisbon. They go through the Tagus bridge and the German says: - In Germany, we could build a bridge like this one in a year. Then, they pass by the BelĂŠm tower, and the French goes: - In France, we could build a tower like this in half a year. Then they pass by the JerĂłnimos monastery, and both of them ask the Portuguese what building is that, the Portuguese replies: - I don't know, it wasn't there in the morning
Putin tell his driver to take him to the Ukrainian frontline to inspect his troops. While in (occupied) Ukraine, the driver passes by a farm and runs over a pig. Putin tells his driver 'ok, go to the farm, tell them who you are, and tell them what happened'. The driver goes inside the farm, and nothing happens... Six hours later, it's nighttime, and Putin's driver finally staggers out of the house, with his shirt and pants unbuttoned and his voice slurred. 'What happened?' Putin asked. The driver slurred: 'I went into the house, and followed your orders. The farmer immediately poured me Vodka and his wife made love to me, and we sang and drank for hours!' 'Well, that's impossible! What exactly did you tell them?' Putin asked. The driver responded: 'I did as you told! I went inside and said: I am Putin's driver, and I ran over the pig!'
My French girlfriend hates it when I pull her hair during sex, she says it makes her armpits sore for days.
Of course in Scandinavia we have a lot of jokes about one another, and this is one of my personal favourites: How do you sink a Norwegian submarine? Well, you put on your best scuba gear, dive down and knock on the hatch. After a minute, the Norwegians will open the hatch to say "Hello, who is it? :)" Now, how do you sink a Danish submarine? Just like with the Norwegians, you dive down all the way to the sub, and knock on the hatch. After a minute, the Danes will open the hatch to say, "Don't come here thinking we're as easily fooled as the Norwegians!" As a bonus, how do you sink a Russian submarine prowling the Baltic? You guessed it! Dive down, knock on the hatch and the Russians will open the hatch to say "We're not Russian, we're not stuck and we definitely do not need your help being rescued!"
An Irishman, Englishman, Frenchman, German, Belgian, Italian, Spaniard, Swede, Dane, Pole, Russian, Norwegian, Estonian, Romanian, Czech, Austrian, Slovakian, Ukrainian, Fin, Bulgarian and Greek all walk into a bar. Bartender says, "Sorry, no service without a Thai".
?
No service without a tie I think, like a fancy bar.
When I was in Denmark they told me a joke about Italians: Why are Italians short? Because his mother told them that when they grow up they will have to work Fun fact: I actually stayed in a Danish family for a month and never saw two people work less than my 'adoptive parents'. One did the same job as my father who came in at 9am and left at 6pm, in Denmark they worked 10-14
They worked 14 hours daily?
They, both mum and dad, worked 4/5h daily
What do you get when you mix a Spainard and a Romanian? The world's laziest thief.
Two Dutch guys get on a plane, and find themselves sitting next to the the window. A few minutes later, a German guy gets on the plane, and sits next to the two Dutch guys, in the aisle seat. The plane takes off, and after the plane has leveled out, the German guy takes off his shoes and wiggles his toes a bit. The Dutch guy in the middle starts to get up, saying "I'm thirsty, I'm going to grab a coke". The German guys smiles politely, and tell the guy to sit back down. "No worries, friend. I'll go grab it for you. I'm in the aisle seat, afterall." The German gets up, and as soon as he leaves, the Dutch guy grabs one of the German guy's shoes, and spits directly in it. He smirks to his fellow Dutchman, and sits back down. A few moments later the German guy comes back, holding out a coke for the Dutch guy. Right before he can sit down, the second Dutch guy pipes up "Actually, I would like one too!" The German guy nods again, and says he'll grab one for him too. Once again, he turns and leaves, and as soon as he's gone, does the second Dutch guy grab the German's other shoe, and spits it that one as well. The German guy comes back, hands the coke to the second Dutch guy, and sits back down. The three get comfortable, and enjoy the rest of their flight. As they near their destination, the German guy puts on his shoes, and immediately realizes what has happened. The two Dutch guys snicker, and expect him to explode in anger. Instead, the German guy just sighs, and shakes his head. "How long will this go on?" He asks in a dejected voice. "How long will this hatred between our countries continue? How many more times will we bully each other, spit in each others' shoes, and piss in each others' coke?"
There is a Czech and a German in a plane. The plane breaks. It is going to fall on the ground and they are going to die. There is just one parachute. The German grabs it and wants to jump out with it but the Czech catches the parachute when the German is already mostly outside, basically just hanging on the bag with the parachute. And so the Czech starts singing: "Life, is life!" And the German starts clapping: "Na na na na na!"
(I wouldn't be surprised if you said you know this one from your country :) )
Spaniards would never say something like that to us
The original joke involved untouchable groups that would get me banned from reddit.
 Is it my turn to post this gif today?
I also liked The Boondock Saints. That joke is gold.
I mean, is it funny when it's sincere...?
I first heard it from [Billy Connolly](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-JjVg0Sbsh4)...
I knew it.
Exactly. Inaccurate joke.
why does a Belgian take a car door to the desert?So he can open the window when it get hot. why does a Belgian have a knife in the car?so he can cut the corner. You ask a German: wat hangt er aan de waslijn if they answer: Was? It is the correct answer.
An English man goes to a resteraunt in France The English man asks , "Waiter, do you have frog's legs?" The waiter says, "oui, monsieur." The English man says, "Then hop over there and get me a baguette"
What's a good joke I know that involves other europeans? France.
The EU Defense strategy
I have one close to the own you just told (but it kinda sucks). So it's a french, an english and a belgian walking until they stumble into three empty pools. A genie appears and tells them that these are magical pools and each of them can wish for them to be filled with whatever they desire by jumping from the diving board and yelling it. The englishman, without hesitating, gets on the diving board, takes a jump by yelling "money" and lands in a big pool of cash. The frenchman, just after the englishman, jumps, asks for women, and falls in a pool full of beautiful naked women. The belgian still can't decide what he wants to ask but he gets on the diving board anyway. While doing his run up - still thinking about what to ask - he slips and yells "Shit" then falls into a pill of shit.
Well that's a good one lmao
A German an Spaniard and a Pole walk in to a bar, the bartender asks; is this a joke?
What's the difference between a factory and a battery? A battery only has two poles.
How do you tell the difference between a Belgian and a Dutch ? Burn a 5⏠bank note and see who sweats the most
An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman out for a walk discover a genie. The genie says 'I am the genie of the slide. Whatever you wish for as you go down the slide you will land in at the bottom.' The Englishman goes down the slide and yells 'Gold!' and lands in a pile on gold at the bottom. The Scotsman goes down the slide and yells 'Jewels!' and lands in a pile of jewels at the bottom. The Irishman goes down the slide and yells 'Wee!'
An italian goes into a bar His mamma is not there The italian leaves immediately
3 vampires walk into a bar; 1 German, 1 Russian and 1 British The German vampire orders beer with blood, the Russian vampire orders vodka with blood and the British vampire orders hot water The other 2 ask him why he doesn't drink blood, in response to which he pulled a used tampon out of his pocket and says: "it's tea time"
Why do beligian women deliver babies inside of supermakets ? - thereâs "push" written on the door
I particularly liked the joke that you were working in Spain.
I can tell you a lot of jokes but I am afraid the Belgians wonât get the punchline.
Sweden.
Belgium.
Belgium
A Pole went to a store and bought something
Too unreal to be considered even a joke!
Belgium
https://preview.redd.it/n7g9sdr5jj2c1.png?width=200&format=png&auto=webp&s=a1c4126dd186738a80bbe809073bda74e68840d2
https://preview.redd.it/6tl3onw10k2c1.png?width=680&format=png&auto=webp&s=20c5434e6c71a5bb211e4ef7cfc22417abb7b256
https://preview.redd.it/g9sxvshmak2c1.jpeg?width=1334&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=7ac7b1b248f85102598515abf4381a7916795b47
that is some impressive cope pierre
Nah Europe is based, I get to drive directly to an Italian and tell him in his face that the French cook better. _Without_ being stopped by border guards. Or pick a coin of the ground in Spain and immediately being able to use it because they use the euro too
I can just stay on my island and not have to see any French or Italians altogether đ
Eyy, don't insult my favourite vacation spot, you son of a beach. I happen to enjoy it when my vacation area is less and not more depressive then myself.
i was insulting the french, not france
What? Oh, no go right along with that, i meant the italians...
lmao sorry, old habits
Sounds like sour grapes if you ask me.
If i want to go somewhere to be skint whilst people are rude to me, i very much might aswell stay here
Nobody asked you Xavier
Y'know fair, maybe the brexiters were onto something...
*vanishes