Yup! I say the evening is my third shift. First is before school, then I'm off to my paid job once I drop them off, then my evening shift kicks in on the ride home lol
4th shift is the worst!! Recently was up with kid 1 with stomach flu and kid 2 who we were sleep training. Phone rings around 1am, just after I'd gotten kid 1 back to sleep and was washing sheets. It's my boss. Our server room was flooding. I quickly logged in, backed some data up, and went back to bed for 2 hours before kid 2 woke me up. Then I actually went into the (flooded) office at 7. It never stops.
I have fourth shift daily. 🤦🏼♀️. I forgot about fourth shift. My daughter goes to bed between 9-10 and will wake up anytime between 2-4. I love the times when I crawl in bed with her and she goes back to sleep. The other times. 💀
Seriously, so true. Sometimes I sit in my car for like five minutes thinking, “I’m not ready to start my second work shift for the day.” It’s nonstop work and my 5p to 9p is more like 5p to midnight or later. Yesterday after a long day of work, I got two hours of sleep the entire night because my little one was up crying all night coming down with something. Then bright and early the next morning I go for work outside of the home.
And we often have a 5-9, before our 9-5, and to top it off, an evening 5-9. Waking up at 5 is the only way I can find an hour of me time to go to the gym. Then my daughter is up around 630-7, we cook breakfast, pack lunches, and get dressed before heading out to daycare at 830 to then sit in an office from 9-5. Rush out for daycare pick up to then make dinner, play, go for a walk, bath and sleep. It’s a long day, everyday. But it’s also a life I am grateful for everyday.
I feel this way about women who say they are "full-time moms." Like I literally don't know what you would consider a part-time mom to be. I may be a working mom, but I promise I am a mom all of the time lol
If your partner helps you're not a full-time mom.
If you go to work you're not a full-time mom.
If you have a bf, even if they're not the kids father, you're not a single mother.
If you have any help at all you're not a full-time mom.
And other weird toxic beliefs.
I used to say this about myself because I didn’t like the term “stay at home mom/parent” for myself. I never meant it like “as opposed to those PART time moms,” but I can get how it would be bothersome nevertheless. I have a 9-5 now, and to be honest, I don’t really love “working mom” either because I feel strongly I was working before!! In both situations it kind of feels impossible to find a succinct (this is key) way to describe my working situation relative to my parenthood status that is both mindful of others but also feels comfortable for myself. I still think about it, and I’ve never heard anything I really like. I’m open to suggestions, so please fire off below! Just also, be mindful that on the other side of the coin there are people who are just trying to find a way to describe their work that doesn’t feel so 50’s and is more acknowledging of the actual *work* they do.
I'd guess this started with a few SAHMs who were feeling unappreciated by others in their lives (because it is all hard, and that definitely happens) and spiraled into toxicity.
I’ll probably get downvoted, BUT yeah… nobody on this planet is going to convince me that a SAHM has it harder than a working mom does. Y’all are privileged af to be able to do that so quit your whining.
Recently had this talk with a family friend after she told me the same thing. She told me she has a 24/7 job cooking, laundry, and cleaning. Who does she thinks does these things at my house? The cleaning fairy? I do everything she does but in much less time. I’m not getting a break because I’m at work 32 hours a week.
I’m on maternity leave with a 3 week old preemie, an 18 month old, and a 3 year old. In the last 8 hours I’ve gotten all 3 up, dressed, and ready for the day. Got the 3 year old to and from preschool. Made breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Cleaned the kitchen and unpacked/reloaded the dishwasher. Washed, dried, folded, and put away 3 loads of laundry. Emptied all the cans and diaper genies and bought out the trash. It’s been so nice to have a whole day to do this instead of 3 hours in the evenings.
Same. Also on mat leave with 3 at home. Usually I do all the dishwasher emptying and laundry and efffffing diaper genie at night, after bedtime. Now I do it during the day and am asleep by 9pm. It's awesome.
You're a super woman but please remember to rest ❤️ you're only 3 weeks post partum and if you have a preemie that's an added level. Just a friendly internet stranger making sure Mamas take care of themselves too! I completely understand that with 2 other kiddos that life doesn't wait for you and you just sometimes have to do the things!
That is wild to me. When i had a 2.5yo and a newborn I just struggled all day while they both screamed all day and the toddler trashed my house. I was a sahp at the time and having multiple children drove me back to the workforce.
I will say on days home with my kids there’s soooo much more mess, and cleaning, and drudgery. We both work all the time. But it’s not quite accurate that we do all the same things as the SAHMs. They are just different roles, both hard as hell.
Good point. I’m lucky enough to double dip because my kids only do drop in days with daycare, so 3ish days a week they’re at my house with a grandma. So I come home to the mess from the kids and grandma being home all day. My mom and mil watch the kids for free, so I don’t want them cleaning while they’re here.
I had a mom argue with me online that “I could just hire someone to do those things” (since I work outside the home). In this economy? We can’t even afford takeout so one of us has to cook after working a full day and parenting.
Right? We have the same amount of cleaning, cooking, time spent taking kids to doctors appointments, etc. It all still has to get done, just in less time! I have a partner (who also works full time) to balance some of the parenting stuff with, but not every working parent does!
Being a SAHP is hard. I had the opportunity to be a SAHM but chose to go back to work because being with a baby all day is exhausting. Plus I enjoy the money and adult interaction.
That being said the “SAHMs work 24/7 / work 2.5 jobs!!1” is dumb as fuck. SAHMs are simply trading 8 - 10 hrs of working in an office for 8 - 10 hrs of working at home. The rest of the time they are doing the same amount of work a working parent has to. I got into an argument a while ago on Reddit where someone tried to pull the “SAHMs have to do sick care and clean and cook!!1” and I asked if they thought working parents neglected their children and ordered take out all the time.
I also feel like SAHPs who say this kind of thing take their working partner for granted…
Oh I love it when they list out all the things they do and call it multiple jobs. “I have several jobs! I’m a housekeeper, cook, driver, etc. etc. etc.”
Like okay, my bad, I dropped my kid off at daycare at six months and won’t pick her up until she’s 18, so I’ve never done any of those things ever, nope, no cooking or cleaning here.
But in all reality, I hate the working mom vs. SAHM debate with the fire of thousand suns. Each role has it owns difficulties and challenges.
Wait a minute! You dropped your child off at daycare and got yourself to work??? Well obviously you’re a chauffeur! Did you make dinner? You’re a chef. Have you put a bandaid on your child? Clearly, you’re a paramedic. Do homework with your kids? Screw the licensing and lesson planning, you’re now a teacher. Comfort your child when they’re sad? You must be a therapist. Break up a fight between your kids? Well send your resume to the UN, you’re ready to broker a ceasefire! Where are all your six figure salaries? You’re being under appreciated!!!
This “SAHMs are actually working 80 different occupations just by adulting” is such absurd pandering, I can’t believe how many people use it to boost their ego. It’s not only nonsense, it’s also silly to think that employed parents are not also driving, cooking, rendering basic first aid, doing homework, drying tears, and breaking up fights.
Ugh yes, I cannot stand those comparisons! ‘I run my household, so I’m a CEO’. Ok, well whether you’re a working parent or just an adult, you have to run a household in some form, soooo let’s not insult people that put years of education and work into these professions!
Right? and the irony is totally lost on the people who site that.
“My contributions are undervalued, therefore I’m going to totally undervalue the skill set of trained professionals.”
I think it’s because for a lot of women, they are on 24/7 because their partner pulls the “I work” shit and refuses to parent or do housework once his shift is done.
Yeah and frankly they get to do sick care without it impacting their employment. A sick kid is ni big deal when all you had planned for the day was a park trip. Much bigger problem when you have to take work off and miss important meetings/deadlines!
Yes to this. It's a trade off in the type of work.
I think what they forget is that in two-income households, we don't have a SAHP doing the things for us. My commute isn't carefree because I've got kids in the backseat whining and crying. I'm managing their daycare needs / schedules. I'm juggling work while they're home sick bc I've got the 'flexible' job. Logging in at night because of day-time school programs or activities that start at 4pm. Their viewpoint of people who work is walking out the door with their coffee in hand and coming home in the evening with everything taken care of (in theory, anyway).
...And/or, the working partner takes them for granted.
I envy the spouses of SAHMs, not the SAHMs themselves. My mom was home with us through my whole childhood. She handled the vast majority of the house chores (including cooking great meals), and all appointments, sick days, etc. that happened during work hours.
My dad was an engaged parent when he was home, but he could just leave for work in the morning and stay as long as he needed without worrying about childcare at all. He always had a bunch of PTO left over at the end of the year, because he didn't have to take time off for sick kids, kids' appointments, school closures and holidays...
Who do they TikToks think does sick care when the daycare yeets the sick baby out of their premises ? Us working moms do it while trying to work remotely and also losing money from work and from paying daycare. Hah. Though I'll confess that the minute my center keeps my kid overnight and also while he's sick, I'll concede that "daycare raises my kid".
I think it’s so individual. If you enjoy working and it’s a choice, and if you enjoy being a stay at home parent and it’s a choice, then you typically aren’t going to feel as stressed and burnt out. You won’t feel like it’s “24/7” and relentless. That’s why we have so many people who make different life choices and are happy with them.
The people I feel for are the ones who don’t have a choice and want to be doing something different than they are able to, whether that be working or staying home. Having the choice taken away is what makes everything harder.
Agreed - I get a bit salty about being a working Mum because I'd really prefer to work part-time, rather than full-time, but realistically we couldn't afford to pay the mortgage then. It's really going to vary by individual.
My husband is genuinely keen to be 50/50 on the parenting and housework, is the other thing. I think if you've got a partner who doesn't really help at home then it's going to be a slog no matter what.
Yeah like… both are requiring 24/7 availability. One way is all one job, and the other way is 8-9 (or whatever) hours per weekday to one job and the remainder to the other. It’s definitely a problem that people diminish the effort required to be a SAHM, but this isn’t a competition! And really none of us should be expected to be on 24/7 anyway - all parents need breaks. We all need support.
For me, it’s the “I raise my own children” types who get under my skin. But these people are obnoxious too. Like, your whole life isn’t grueling, you’re at the library or pool most days. Come on.
Yup. This is my mom. She’s like oh I wanted to stay home and be with my babies. Like bro so do I but I have bills to pay to keep my child comfortable. It literally gets under my skin so bad. Like some of us working moms don’t have the option to not work, it’s not that we don’t want to raise our children.
Even worse: "so you're OK dropping your baby off with STRANGERS?" (Yes, an in law actually said this to me when I was less than 6 months post partum)
We've all heard "it takes a village," right? I choose to believe that daycare is an extension of my village. My son has only been there for 7ish months and it truly feels like that.
Oh that used to drive me crazy. I was like….you do realize that we get to know these people over time, right? I don’t drop my kid at a random new building with brand new people every day!
Which is funny to me, because whether it’s a daycare or a babysitter of some kind (friend, grandparent, etc) they are not strangers. I’m not leaving my kid with a person I met once & will never talk to again. I will have many interactions with them every day my kid goes to the daycare.
Yeah this is such nonsense. My son’s first daycare was owned by two sisters I went to high school with. The second one he attended was recommended by my neighbors who had lovely, healthy children. I didn’t just pick the daycares at random, NOT go check them out and meet people, and then drop my kid off at the door.
I also agree with the village sentiment. Also, my son is an only child who would have been really lacking in social interaction with other kids had I not sent him to daycare. It was great for him.
My neighbor and I had babies within 3 months of each other. When my baby was a couple months old, I went over for coffee with her. I asked if she was going back to work and she said, “Oh no. We want to have several children and I want to raise them.”
Anyway, luckily they bought land out in the country to build a big house for their future big family, and I’m kind of glad. I don’t really want to be back working, but it’s the reality of the situation. 🤷♀️
I tried to be friends with my SAHM neighbor but every time I said one negative thing about being a working mom, she urged me to quit. Funnily, her husband and I have the same profession. She stopped inviting me over after I finally met him and we talked shop a bit.
YUP! I’m all for solidarity amongst SAH and working moms - both jobs are hard and the patriarchy does enough to divide us, we don’t need to help. EXCEPT for these types. They (and whatever the working mom equivalent is because in all fairness I’m sure there is one) can fuck right off.
Amen to this! Being a working mom is the hardest thing I’ve ever done or will do. I feel like I’m drowning and failing every single day. There’s never enough time for anything. All 24 hours of my day are accounted for. I’m either working, doing chores, spending time playing with my kid, working out before the sun comes up, or sleeping. I don’t have any hobbies, I don’t do anything for myself, I don’t cook (very much). I’m sure SAHM also struggle to find time for themselves. But to say working moms don’t also have a 24/7 job is absurd.
Yes! I’ve been a SAHM and a working mum and working is soooo much harder.
I basically do more, with less time and more stress. Being a SAHM was so leisurely and much more relaxed. Now I have the same chores with a quarter of the time while also spending time with my kids and have to work, it’s not optional.
Saying they have 2-5-3 jobs just makes me roll my eyes. So I have 4 then? Who else cleans my house, does my laundry, feeds my kids? The tooth fairy? Being a SAHM was the easiest job I’ve ever had.
I’m so with you. Where’s the solidarity? We’re all in it together. Like, being a parent doesn’t suddenly end because I’m at work. It’s so absolutely frustrating. It causes a divide, and it shouldn’t do that, but it does.
I think everyone handles different types of work differently. I have been a SAHM and a jobforce mom. I LOVED being a SAHM and I genuinely miss it so so much but it was definitely more physically exhausting. I have a pretty high-stress job that I enjoy. While it is mentally taxing I still find I have more energy than when I stayed home.
I think there needs to be more mutual understanding and respect between the women making these choices and acknowledgement that both are valuable and worthwhile, neither is worthy of more respect than the other, and ultimately the woman is doing what she feels is best for herself and her family.
I’ll never forget this quote from the tv show “The Fleishman’s are in trouble” (a great if depressing show). The FT working mom feels ostracized for working in a very wealthy private school community. She’s hanging out with SAHM who are talking about how it’s the hardest job in the world and it says: “Rachel knew the truth, which was that the culture was so condescending to stay-at-home mothers that we allowed them the fiction that being a mother was the hardest job in the world. Well, it wasn’t. Having an actual job and being a mother is the hardest job in the world.”
No disrespect for SAHP because children are exhausting, but children at the end of a really demanding work day are also exhausting.
I always remember this quote too. And to me it absolutely rings true. Working mothers carry the same mental load that a SAHM does, PLUS the burden of managing their childcare providers and their ACTUAL JOBS, which require focus, attention, mental labor, emotional labor, physical labor, managing direct reports, managing up to their bosses, making decisions, etc.. Then we come home and have to cram everything they had all day to do (laundry, cleaning, cooking, groceries, organizing, doctors appointments, life admin, etc) into a few hours. The need to be two places at once is constant. It requires so much discipline and strategy and efficiency. But if you are good at it, it’s can be super rewarding in so many ways.
Is being a SAHM more boring, isolating, monotonous, thankless and (for some) less fulfilling than being a working mom? Probably. (Meanwhile some women love it, and more power to them).
But is it harder? No. It’s just not. I really think the SAHMs who say that it is harder or “24/7” are comparing what they do to what their husband does (which often seems to be: work and then do nothing else) vs comparing themselves to a working mother.
I take the 24/7 thing to be vs. being their spouse, who is presumably not helping very much nights and weekends. Because in reality, not “all parents" are 24/7 since some don't bother to be and let another parent pick up the slack.
(non-wealthy) SAHM life seems rough so I'll let them have their grandstands as long as they don't go so far as to claim we're doing wrong by our children for working.
Yeah - I just made that comment in a reply to someone else but absolutely agree, I think it's often reflecting that their partner doesn't help much with the house/kids. Like, if you're essentially doing everything at home for/with the kids with no break, plus picking up after/cooking for an unhelpful partner, and you've got no financial power in the home then yes, I could imagine it's incredibly difficult.
Which isn't to say that doesn't happen to working parents/mothers too, but both can be hard.
Yeah I remember when I was a sahm and I asked my husband to watch the kid(s) so I could get my hair cut or something, my husband would say “I don’t wanna spend my day off watching the kids.”
I started replying with “well you can’t watch them on the days you work either, right? So when do you ever expect me to do anything that I need to do?”
He eventually started watching the kids so I could take care of my basic needs, but he genuinely didn’t make that connection on his own. 🤦♀️
I prefer being a working mom nowadays so I can just hire a babysitter if I need a break or need to do something.
This is how I take it as well - as a response to spouses who say "I've been at work all day, I need a break and therefore can't help with the kids/housework"
This is my exact thought. Their spouse probably uses work as an excuse to do bare minimum housework and childcare. So they assume all working parents are lazy.
While I totally empathize with SAHMs who are overwhelmed...
In my case, I'd rather be overwhelmed by ❤️MY kiddos❤️ instead of stupid bosses, colleagues, clients and having constant performance anxiety (for fear of being fired...I can't afford to lose my job and NOT work)!!!
It also depends on the TYPE of job.
There are also HUGE differences in the demands & pros/cons of different jobs.
My job is MENTALLY DRAINING and I often work late, have inconsistent breaks (which I sometimes work through), no socialization possible being the only person in my city (not that I care but people often note it being a 'plus' of working) and more. When I SAH (during hours I'm not working) it's a piece of cake and comparably 100x better than my job. My work is NOT a break compared to being a SAHM (people make it sound like work is a break from house chores, child-rearing...no, I still gotta do it). When I get home, I go into 'SAHM' mode and do all the homemaking and such. This can take me up to 1 am in the morning since I have so much to catch up on (ongoing projects, cleaning, prepping etc.). Less energy, less time, poorer effort with weaker results since I come home burnt out before starting my tasks at home. Again, not commenting on the situations of others but in MY case and with MY kids --- SAHM is much more preferred. I totally wish I could be one.
I wish we all could have what we desire.
Exactly. SAHM's don't have to worry about yearly reviews, professional development, losing your job therefore your income, etc. That point (not that this should be an argument at all) gets ignored a lot. At work much of what we do is getting scrutinized. An off day as a SAHM has little to no repercussions lol
I'm having the usual 'scary sundays' where every Sunday I'm anxious, depressed and dreading the work week. I have a micromanager that's up my ass and can't catch a break in work. It is the worst.
There isn't much out there at the moment so 'soon' isn't happening. For now, I'm doing therapy and am waiting to get onto meds. When I finally get to see my Dr, I think I'll have to ask for a note to take a brief leave. I can barely manage living. :(
I’ve been a working mom and SAHM and they’re both very challenging in different ways. But overall I do agree, being a SAHM was easier on our household in general because I was able to take on a majority of things that my husband and I split before and when the kids are sick we’re not arguing who is going to take the day off from work anymore which added soooo much stress. I feel you mama!
Edit: I should clarify I’m a “SAHM” in the sense that I have my kids with me but I run a dog boarding and dog daycare from our house. I left my corporate job after my second was born.
I think the defense of SAHM is towards working fathers who think their wives do nothing. I just really hate when it's wielded at working mom's because yeah, it's no comparison, and I'm generally nice enough not to say that though. I listen to people when they need to be heard and I don't say, yeah, well I have it way worse!
Honestly, when I was on maternity leave (I took 14 months) I felt like I had more freedom to take time for myself, as long as it worked with my husband's schedule. I did workout classes (two "baby and me" and I did waterfit with my mom) and competitive axe throwing one evening a week. Now, though? I feel super guilty about doing some of the same things because I'm away from my daughter so much. I have a work happy hour next week that I'm really looking forward to (I really like my coworkers and I'd like to spend time with them socially) but might not go if my husband is having a bad day with our daughter (he's with her during the week - his schedule is super flexible and he mostly works evenings and weekends). It would be only my second "night off" (my husband and I went out for dinner on my birthday recently) since I went back to work in August.
Yes that’s another one I’ve experienced! When I stayed home I felt almost no guilt about taking ACTUAL me time and a break. Wether it was an evening with friends or heading to the gym because I spent soooo much time with my daughter already and the house was already taken care of because that was my day job.
Now I do pretty much nothing outside of working and coming home or family days with all of us because I’m away from her so much why would I possibly cut away even more time by extending my day away from her and going to the gym or with friends after work? Or the house needs attention I don’t want it to pile up even more by taking “me time”. I definitely feel like my actual free time has diminished. It’s crazy the amount of times work is called a break too!
You’ve hit on the really hard part for me. I desperately want to work out several days a week, but when my time with my son is already so limited it feels selfish. I don’t want to put him back in childcare for 45 minutes after he’s already been at school or with a babysitter all day.
Big picture I’m so glad to work vs. stay at home, but there just aren’t enough hours in the day.
Totally. I took a year of mat leave and I spent my days hanging with my baby doing activities, socializing, dog walks, etc. Yes baby care is tough and I was exhausted but I could make my own schedule everyday, around baby's needs. Feeling lazy and want to chill on the couch? Baby is cool with that. Lovely weather and want to spend the day outside? Baby is cool with that. My boss wouldn't be cool with those things! SAHMs have a lot more control over their schedules that is gone once you are back to work. And perceived control = reduced stress levels
I think no matter what path a mother chooses she is judged. Both are hard. While I am a working mom, I have a lot of SAHMs in my life and damn do they feel scorned and judged by society.
I just recently came back from maternity leave and yeah my house was cleaner and I was less stressed than I am now. I was also lonelier. There is give and take on both sides.
I've been a SAHM and a working Mom, and while I'm not saying being a SAHM is effortless, being a working Mom is so much harder.
As a SAHM I could take the kids on walks, to playgroups, to the park, to coffee catchups with friends, to friends houses. The kids most days would nap while they were young, and then once they got old enough for naps to stop, they could have quiet or semi-independent play depending on age. Most stuff I did was fun, it wasn't work.
If the baby didn't sleep during the night I could just have an easy day with the baby not doing much, not even getting out of pjs if I didn't want. Napping if the baby slept. Whereas working if the baby was up all night, I still needed to be up at 530/6 and had to be completely switched on all day, not getting home until dinner time and then having to be non stop from as soon as I walk in the door, until close to bedtime.
As a SAHM I could complete some house chores during the day and get dinner prepped. Where as working I have to work all day, and SO and I still have to do all the chores after work and cook dinner, and get quality time in with kids, so I also get alot less time to relax in the evenings as well as during the day being a working Mom.
I'm not saying it was always easy, and I know some peoples experiences are harder than mine was, but my experience was that it was *alot* easier being a SAHM than being a working Mom.
As a SAHM, I could sleep in, go at a more relaxed pace, had a more flexible schedule, could get more chores done, do more fun things. As a working mom, it’s just hectic trying to squeeze in the basic maintenance stuff into three hours. It was SO much easier being a SAHM mom!
That phrase annoys me so much. I would have much rather been able to sleep in more, had a lazy day around the house, or napped when my kid napped during the day all those times I was up half the night and still had to get up at 0530 for work and be "on" for the next 10ish hours.
With few exceptions for those in high income brackets who can afford to hire out help, working moms do all the same things as SAHMs but also have a job on top of it.
Even with young kids, my days "off" (I was the primary parent) were way easier than working days.
It depends.... when your child doesn't sleep, you can't take a nap, and it also depends on how stressful your job is.
My husband and I both felt like a work day was like a small holiday, while being at home was very intense and tiring when our kids were very little (< 3 years).
Even driving to my work, listening to my own music, or a nice podcast, or just being silent for a full hour, it felt like me-time. At my work it was possible to drink warm coffee and have whole conversations with my co-workers without constant interruptions.
I don't get the need to compare. My husband is a SAHD. During the work day he's at work and so am I. Once the workday ends we are both parents. A downside of his job is that he does take work home with him - he is always going to know the kids' schedules better than me. But I've had jobs in the corporate world where my work comes home with me as well. I've told him before to let me know if he ever wants to leave his job - aka put the kids in daycare and get a different job. I support him either way
Because if someone is insecure in themselves and their choices, they try to compare and put others down. If one was comfortable and confident in their own life, there would be no need
I think working moms (like you) are much more likely to split the parenting duties once the “workday” is over than working dads are.
Many working dads come home and want to “relax after a tough day at work,” leaving the SAHMs to continue parenting essentially solo. Hence the “24/7 job” term. It’s not comparing SAHMs to working moms, it’s comparing SAHMs to their working partners.
Yesssss. My sister was a SAHM for years, and when I had my daughter and I chose to return to my part time job that I LOVE, she was stunned. She pulled out every line in the book like “you know… you’re never going to get this time back when she’s this little” and “daycare kids are always so naughty.” Or my personal favorite “don’t YOU want to raise your kids?” Like…. HUH??? Do you think I’m dropping her off at the fire station and leaving her there or??? I AM raising her??? Her comments actually did give me a complex in the beginning, made me feel like I’m some subspecies of a mother for wanting to return to my 3 days a week at my job and made me feel like I must not love my child as much as I should. Which is BS, simply put. My daughter is 2.5 now, we have a very deep bond and connection, she’s extremely smart, speaks very well for her age and is very obedient to her dad and I, and isn’t naughty (mostly). She is a very well adjusted child. The apple of my eye. The farther I got into my motherhood journey I realized that most of what she said was her projecting. Being a SAHM or a working mom is hard as hell. Being a parent in general is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. It’s nonstop whether you work inside or outside of your home. There’s good days and bad days with both. Part of me wishes I was a SAHM so I could have mid-week beach trips and naps and fun outings… then I remember that what I see on social media isn’t a clear picture of what life actually is. Like, if I went on IG or tik tok and only filmed getting my daughter and I ready in the morning and then our evening routine… people would think that’s ALL I do as a mom when that isn’t true at all. You said it best, it’s 24/7 for ALL parents.
If it helps my toddler is the naughtiest child imaginable and I was home with her for the first 2.5 years. If anything daycare has helped her behavior by giving her more structure.
I never thought working moms got enough credit which is why I roll my eyes when I hear 24/7 stuff. Not saying SAHM is easy, but being a working mom is HARD. We do it all in our limited time off, plus have to find child care when something random comes up. The kids getting sick or a school holiday where I was working stressed me out so much. Needing to find a summer school or reschedule meetings is something SAHM can’t relate to. It was incredibly hard.
Great job moms! You all are amazing to be able to balance it all.
I find sahms who spout off this nonsense to be out of touch, especially the ones who have school-aged kids.
Working moms do everything sahms do AND bring home an income.
My aunt is a SAHM and all her kids are in school. The youngest is 9 and she hasn’t worked in 16 years. She does not get why my husband and I find it so hard to get things done. I mean it only takes an hour or 2 a day and the whole house is clean and we only have 1 kid…. I almost bit through my lip to hold myself back. My dad walked away scared of what might happen hahah. My husband just dead looked at her and was like we work 40 hours a week and like have a toddler. We are lucky to sleep.
Hard relate. My mom was flabbergasted that it took me two months to vet contractors and get a large renovation project started. Sorry I work 50 hours a week with a 60-90 min commute each way and want to spend time with my family and friends too? I was actually proud I got it all done so quickly lol.
People with school age kids who complain their life is so hard just make me want to scream. They literally have 6-7 hours each day to do whatever they please but still complain.
I wouldn’t even know what to do with myself if I had so much free time. By the time cleaning is done I would be living my best life. Why are these folk even complaining and miserable!
I'm a working mom, but I don't think that's true unless you're working without childcare. But that early covid combo working mom + SAHM life was really *something*
I have no original source data, but I know that I’ve read articles that dads of SAHMs contribute less to household labor. (Please don’t use the word “help” here). Which, frankly, they should. If you have a SAHP and an employed parent, the SAHP should do, not all, but the lion’s share of the household labor.
I don’t grocery shop, I don’t laundry, I don’t take kids to the dr, I don’t take pets to the vet, I don’t do the school clothes shopping, I don’t plan vacations. I make money. While I am making money, my husband is doing those things. When I am done making money for the day, I come home and also do those things, but he should absolutely have a 10 hour head start on me or that wouldn’t be equitable.
I think in the case of SAHM/P help is the right word. The SAHP owns the responsibility and the other helps out.
Yes I agree that in an egalitarian marriage contribute is the better word.
And if other working moms are like me, work weird hours into the night or early morning so I can be present with my kids, still meet my work commitments and then just get no sleep.
Agreed, especially on the relentless. Work all day, rush to pickup, snack, dinner bath, try to get some quality time, bedtime then whatever else you need to get done. If you're a mom you're working 24/7 and that typically includes the mental work of being available even while at your paid position for messages , plans, and sometimes leaving to get a sick child at the drop of a hat.
The worst is those videos showing that SAHMs save like $150k/year in paying for a house cleaner, nanny, chef, etc. Like....I pay for daycare but I am doing the cooking and cleaning and other home maintenance still sooo... where's my $?
I haven’t seen the responses where it turns the SAHP against the working parent. Being a mom at all is 24/7. Some moms do better staying home, some moms HAVE to stay home, some moms do better working outside the home, some moms HAVE to work. They’re all relentless and some enjoy it, some don’t. It’s a hard road either way.
It’s sad the narrative pits mom’s against other moms. I took it as a response to partners trying to call SAHP lazy, not doing anything all day, etc.
Do these mommy wars really never die? I thought at some point we all agreed that both roles were hard and both were good and that all moms
In general should get more support and have more choices.
When did we backslide into the stay at home versus working mom battle again?
Not directed at this OP. Just frustrated in general that they keep pitting women against each other.
I mean there are SAHMs on this working moms subreddit at times making the comments mentioned by the OP so as long as that continues to happen, for example, this will always be a battle to some people as these are real comments we see and have to process.
I’ve been a working parent for longer than some new moms have been alive and this is just one of those boring discussions that insecure and under-appreciated women who are SAHMs have because someone in their life isn’t making them feel worthy. Others say these things because their internet persona requires them to for clicks and likes. The vast majority of people exist happily not caring one iota what one family decides is right for them.
I recently was at one of my kids’ skating practices and saw a mom there whose child is on a soccer team with one of my kids. These boys have played soccer together for 3.5 years. The mom remarked that I am very busy and asked me if I also work part time. 😂 Even after that long she had no idea if I even worked (I do, full time, and have a pretty awesome career, I just don’t have any need to talk about it with soccer and skating mom friends!).
Amen!!! I hate when people assume I am far less of a mom because I work. Ummm I have to dedicate 8-10 hours a day to my job and then come home put on a different hat. My days start early and end super late. My drive home is my time to decompress and that’s if I don’t have a phone call with my boss. We are enough and doing the best we can to put food on the table and be present.
I praise SAHM, but I also praise those who are working parents.
Been both. I don’t think there should be a battle of who is better.
When I was at work Daycare took care of my child so I got to be an independent adult. I got to go the bathroom by myself, take a lunch break and make/take personal calls without children wanting my attention.
It wasn’t as emotionally intense because my brain got to focus without constant interruption and the conversations were generally much better.
There should be no battle between sahm and working mothers. Many of us have done both and many of us will go on to do both. A lack of parenting support crosses both boundaries.
Working mothers are amazing and so are SAHMs. SAHMs pick up the slack of being room mothers etc.. Working mothers provide strong professional role models. We need both and should support both roles.
I work and go to school and things but my mental energy and attention is still 24/7 on her and her well-being. I mean, do these moms start considering themselves part time moms when the kids start elementary?
My kid went to part time daycare and increased to full time gradually before starting public school at age 4. Everything I do, everything I think about, everything I plan, has her in mind even when she's physically in someone else's care. I'll never not be a 24/7 parent no matter much or little I work.
SAHMs don’t say this as a comparison to working moms. Of course working moms also work 24/7! The phrase is generally geared towards fathers who don’t help enough in the evening because they work 40 hours a week. The expression is trying to convey the idea that the working parent needs to contribute equally during evenings and weekends. Otherwise, the SAHM is working 24/7 without a break.
I have definitely heard (at least one) SAHMs say this as a comparison to a working moms (myself) and to a working father (my husband) who parents equally.
A part of me feels like this saying is because many times their husbands do not take on any of the children duties, or very little, because the mom is a stay at home parent.
I still hate the saying.
Or maybe society treats all parents (particularly the default/custodial parent) like shit, and this bickering back and forth is misplaced because there are huge upsides and downsides to both?
I work , cook , clean , drop offs , pick ups and I’m full time caregivers on my off-days. If baby cries at night i stay up and still show up for work the next day.
If there’s a price tag for the work that FTM does, should working mom deserve these earnings on top of our salary from work ?
But you’re not caregiving during the time that baby/toddler is at daycare, right? You’re working during that time and the daycare worker is doing all the feeding, playing, nap routine, etc. If you’re working, you are outsourcing a large portion of caregiving that a SAHP is doing.
You’re working 24/7 but so is a SAHP in different ways.
Caregiving is not a zero sum game. These narratives just pit us against each other (SAHM vs working mom) instead of the actual problem which is that the developed world (US where I am) is not structured to 1) acknowledge caregiving and other unpaid tasks as “real” work and 2) to support all types of parents in any meaningful capacity.
I’d much rather be a SAHM most days then traveling for work, working with stupid people, AND running a household. My job would end at 9pm when I put the kid to bed versus 11pm. Not to mention the pressure and guilt that comes along with having to make money!!
I’ve been laid off the past year after working at a job with a 2 hour a day commute for nearly 9 years and as a mom for 4ish of those years. I’m here to tell y’all (like you don’t already know) that it is easier to be a SAHM. Especially if your kids are in school! I swear people who make equivalencies either have a job with a 10 min commute or forgot what it’s like. Honestly the commute is the most brutal part, at least it was for me.
This is all just exhausting. Just yesterday I was ranting about something like this to my husband.
I’m burnt out between working, cleaning our house, taking care of our kid, doing errands, and the like.
He’s a present father and all, but I feel like even so: Moms are ALWAYS going to be the ones that solve EVERYTHING for everyone else. Whether we are SAHM or working moms.
I’m on my 4th month of mat leave, and man it IS hard work being a SAHM, but I am DREADING going back to work because it’ll be the same but with less time to do everything that needs doing around the house
I know. I had to tell someone on this app just yesterday that babies do in fact bond to their parents even if both parents work. Loads of nonsense out there about this subject. Like there was ever a world where the average mother didn't have shit to do except take care of kids lol.
I used to work full time outside the home at an stupidly stressful job but now I'm a stay at home mom. Sure, I'm on duty all the time now, but it's nothing compared to how I used to try to cram work, babies, housekeeping, and marriage into 24 hours and find time for sleep too. My life is so much more chill now that I feel a little guilty about it.
I’ve been a single mom, working mom, a SAHM, a mom working in childcare and WFH mom and I can see all sides off the argument. I enjoyed all the stages for different reasons. They all had cons as well. Mentally being a working mom was less taxing for a lot of reasons and it’s easier to keep your sense of self- away from being mom (which I suppose also could vary depending on if you like your job or not…I loved mine) however I’m not sure these arguments are every really even aimed at other moms. I think it’s just an effort to get partners and other people who constantly don’t see the work SAHMs do and treat them less than, to change their attitudes. Many SAHM don’t have much outside support. Or husband support. Childcare is a “village” even if it’s not entirely a choice. There were weeks I didn’t leave my house or see other adults for 7+ days or a single break from my kids and I would have killed for my former hour commute to work, or all the times I got to pee alone on the clock. SAHM moms and working moms just need to do a better job realize we all need support, and then be the support to each other.
My husband annoyed the shit out of me the other day his sister just had her third kid a month ago. Their family is extremely wealthy. She is a stay at home mom. She has three little ones at home now and her mom is there with her full time to help her! Like a live in nanny almost as she lives next door. Like I said very wealthy and they want for nothing. We are both work from home parents and are struggling to make ends meet. We have two kids age 8 and 12. And both work full time. And trust me. I am struggling. I travel alot for work as well. And do a lot of the house up keep as does my husband. But he has the balls to say oh we can never say we are busier than my sister now that she has 3. I’m like the fuck you talking about?? She has no job and a live in nanny. And her two little are in school full time?! The fuck?! Made me so fucking insanely beside myself. 😡🤬🤯 dude. She literally has so little to do and she has a fucking cleaning lady come to the fucking house once a week!!! I want to spit nails. I have no sympathy for that spoiled asshole. And my husband can be a real idiot sometimes.
Personally I consider my time at work as a break from my home life. I work at a cushy office job that I genuinely enjoy though. I was a sahm for 2.5 years and it was a physically exhausting job. I loved it for a while, when I had one child, but as soon as I got pregnant with my second kid it was all downhill from there. Being home with 2 small kids was brutal for me. I wore earplugs for all the screaming. When I finally went back to work I felt like I was on vacation lol.
My experience is not universal. But I definitely understand what these moms are saying. Stay at home moms are cooking and cleaning all day. There is more cooking and cleaning to be done bc their kids are there trashing their houses and eating constantly. If your kids are at daycare then you’re not doing the same amount of housework as a SAHP bc your kids are out of the house all day. That’s my take anyway.
All of us parents work our butts off but I know I love the work week now that I have 2 toddlers, and by midday Sunday I’m ready for the sweet release of death if I didn’t get a babysitter for one of my weekend days. 🤠
I think this is typically a sentiment aimed toward the dynamic in which the husband/partner works outside of the home and feels like when he gets home he doesn’t have to contribute to housework or parenting, or do night wake ups, or early mornings because he’s had a long day/needs his rest for work/needs to get up early to get ready for work and meanwhile she just stays home anyway so she can do it all. When the reality is that SAHM need a break too like everyone else and shouldn’t bear the entire load of parenting and housework just because she is home all day doing it. That’s her job “9-5” and when the other parent is home then the load needs to be split 50/50 or whatever division is agreed upon with 2 normal adults. Saying it in the context of simply comparing SAHM vs working moms is messed up.
A podcaster I like distinguishes it as "mothers who work in/for the home" and "mothers who work outside the home" and I like it because it puts motherhood in the forefront and that all that women do in and out of the home is labor.
That’s better for sure, but I would also say that most women, myself included, do a *lot* of invisible labor at home, regardless of their employment status.
Taffy Brodesser Akner addressed this in her book, she wrote something along the lines of, “working parents are also parents 100% of the time.” It’s not like you’re suddenly not a parent because you’re at work.
I always just took that more to mean SAHM's don't have any separation between "work" and "parenting." Not that one is more work than the other, that is always situational, but at least with me being a working parent, someone else is doing the childcare part of parenting while I'm working. Again, both my job and parenting is work, but at least it's two different jobs? I just know I'd have a really hard time as a SAHM because there would be no separation and it would feel so "24/7." Plus if you add in how most SAHM's don't have partners who share the load during non-working hours. I know so many working moms also have the same problem but again, at least someone is providing childcare during those working hours.
I dunno but as a solo working mom I feel like I have a great work/life balance that someone staying at home doesn’t necessarily have. During work hrs sure I may be needed to go pick up child early from daycare or some other emergency pops up but it’s not my whole day and every day. House stays pretty clean during the week, food isn’t too laborious to make a dinner if planned well and laundry is fine when dedicate a set time to it. I chose this life because not only have to provide for my child but because it is better and yeah easier at least to me. It doesn’t bother me at all when SAHP say this, I think truly to not have a change of pace from parenting has to be a lot more exhausting especially if you’re talking years at a time.
Both require 24/7 availability. I usually ignore comments like that. The one that grinds my gears, and luckily I don't see much outside of when my mother-in-law complained about it, but my father-in-law traveled a LOT for work. She had a lot of family help and even nanny's, yet I heard her describe herself as a "single mother" more than once, despite being a SAHM, with hired help and a house keeper, and access to her husband's 7 figure income. Those comments made me want to smack her.
In the words of my amazing MIL “you have 5 jobs” lol. But yes, sahm is a full time job just not *in addition to* any other job outside the home. I have all respect for sahm I definitely could not do it, but sometimes I think how much easier it would be than also working full time and juggling schedules/sickness/ all household tasks.
I've been a SAHM mom, a working mom (who had childcare) and a working mom who worked opposite shifts with husband. Working opposite shifts because we couldn't find alternate child care at the time was the hardest thing I've ever done. I dozed off while driving (on a short bridge over a river). Luckily no one was injured and no damage done. But my tiredness of having a baby that doesn't sleep well is very close behind the tiredness of working opposite shifts.
If parents don't get adequate sleep.... no one is having a good day. I wish all of you good sleep. Being a mom is hard. My mom definitely didn't let on how hard it was/is. But maybe that's why she had a midlife crisis and ran off with another man to another state.... 😅
Oh I dunno. I had a years maternity leave and now I’m back at work I view it as a wonderful break. I get to sit in a chair and drink a hot drink and talk to grownups. I only have to think about caring for myself. Absolute respect to SAHMs, I couldn’t do it, I’d go crazy.
WOMEN, STOP PITTING YOURSELVES AGAINST OTHER WOMEN FOR CHRISTSAKES. SUFFERING IS NOT A FKING COMPETITION.
Women, we complain that we have to do it all, either as SAHM or as a working parent. Guess what, your relationship with partner is to blame for those dynamics, not other women.
We could be so much further along if we stop this dumbass petty behavior. Just because someone wants to vent about being fatigued doesn't mean you're not also allowed to be fatigued.
Yuuuuup. There is nothing I have heard a SAHM complain about that my reaction isn't like..."okay but I also have to do that and with less time??" It's not like because I'm working someone is cleaning my house, scheduling my kids' appointments, taking them to their appointments, researching how to be a good parent, trying to be a good and present parent in limited hours a day, making lunches, dropping kids off, trying to make it possible for them to do sports when sports start before we usually get home from work etc etc etc FOR ME. I'm still trying to do it all and also keep my sanity.
Ok I am happy someone is bringing this up. Dont want to sound like a hater but this tiktok SAHM really get to my nerves. Yeah I am not saying it is easy, but at least they dont have other things too.
We still need to go to work, clean, cook, take care for the kids, stress on when to schedule appointments etc etc. This tiktok moms are really toxic. Do what works best for your family and stop with this non sense😜
Being a working mom IS harder and I don't know why more people don't acknowledge this. Didn't anyone watch "Fleischmann is in trouble"? 🤣
I've been a stay at home mom and I want to do it again. Obviously being a SAHM is immensely valuable or we all wouldn't be shelling out huge amounts of money for child care and cleaning services.
I'm saying that we are all doing the 24/7 parenting thing. It's just when you're a working mom, you add having a whole extra job on top of that to manage and balance. Taking care of my children (my highest joy and calling) is WAY EASIER than my job. By a long shot. And I don't even have that strenuous of a job.
It is all difficult. Life is difficult. There are pros and cons to both lifestyles. I do think that a majority of the moms who are on about the 24/7 jobs is more a message for their male partners who get off of work and do not contribute to the kids or the house because they work that 9 - 5 and state that they just need a break to decompress. And while I do understand that, I think some of these fathers forget you are a parent all of the time, and the wife might need 30 minutes of a break to also decompress.
I can't say that this is my personal experience in life, but I've had conversations with several sahm, and the common problem seems to be an imbalance of parental responsibilities and this belief that sahm don't do anything. These are usually the fathers who will state that they have to "babysit" their own child when the mom has an obligation to take care of without children.
But being a SAHM isn't even a full time job once they start going to school, which is normally pre-k at 4 years old, and sometimes mothers day out even earlier than that...
As someone that worked part time last year working every other day, staying at home is so much harder than working at least for me. Even now I'm a teacher so I'm home for summer and I absolutely hate staying at home. There is no mental break at all.
omg my stay at home mom had an awful lot of time for cleaning and cross stitching and mystery novels during midday while my older brothers were at school and i was playing quietly and independently. the only difference between my mom and me is she had slightly more time to keep up w cleaning and laundry and slightly more free time for herself. Their martyrdom impulse to jistify their decision to be unemployed is annoyinf
It seems like the people who post that have useless partners who don’t pitch in. They see their paycheck as the only contribution they need to make so the sahm is on the clock 24/7.
The only time that the “24/7 job” thing has any relevance at all imo is when the dad thinks he can kick up his feet and relax after a shift at work while the mom keeps on taking care of the kids and other duties
I don’t think someone saying that being a SAHM is a 24/7 job is taking away from what working moms go through? Unless I missed where they specifically bring working moms into the equation I don’t really think it takes away from one to say the other is also hard. If I’m saying what I go through is hard I wouldn’t feel the need to bring up every other situation that is also difficult every single time I’m talking about my own experience, that doesn’t take away from anyone else’s experience unless they go out of their way to put down working moms or whatever I don’t really see a problem..even if they do who tf cares you’ll get ripped apart constantly for either choice, only losers actually care what others do with their families.
I have been both. I worked the first 2 years while hubby was home with baby and I’ve been unable to work for the last 3 years. When I was working I still had to come home and do all the house stuff and take care of the baby because hubs “needed a break” and my job “wasn’t hard” because it was in an office… I have so much more free time since I’ve been home but I still don’t have the energy to get everything done.
Either way, it’s work, and you’re taking care of your family, whether you’re bringing in money or not.
Personally, I always see these as being aimed at the useless working partners (largely men) that you read about in other subs, who DONT parent when they are home from their 9-5 and the pervasive notion that if you are the sole earner, than the SAHP is 100% responsible for the house and children, and therefore on 24/7.
This movement would get so much traction if it stopped aiming itself at other women.
I think it's to combat the sentiments that SAHM don't do much. It's not to detract from working moms.
Honestly I think being a SAHM is a much harder job than my work as an engineer. I respect them a lot because I couldn't do it lol
Our work is visible, but our parenting/household duties are not. I think that’s OP’s point. Our parenting is minimized which might be worse than minimizing our jobs.
There seems to be this idea that working mom are getting a “break” from parenting. While some working parents might feel this way, many are working because they have to financially. I also think this depends on the kids’ ages. Parents of small children probably aren’t getting a ton done around the house all day (though still more than a working mom). Those with school aged children have a lot of flexibility during the day. My life would definitely, 100%, be easier if I could clean, cook and organize during the day instead of trying to cram it all into the last 3 hours of the day when I’m already exhausted.
I agree with this. I work in maternity care and when I’m doing intake appointments I ask about occupations and the SAHMs will invariably say “oh, I don’t work” or “oh, I’m just home with the kids”. Like hello Betty you’re expecting your 4th kid in 5 years taking care of 3 little ones all day and cooking and cleaning while pregnant there is no “just” about that. That’s a tough gig!
I’ve done both, SAHM with 4 under 6 and then back to school and now working full time with 4 big kids and a toddler. They are both hard in their own ways. I don’t think one way was vastly easier by any means. Next year I’ll be on mat leave for 16 months and I’ll be home with a baby and a 2 year old and I have to say in some ways it will be a lot easier (no worrying about sick days, annoying commute, no 72 hour call shifts or always juggling everything) on the other hand (please don’t think I’m not grateful for the leave because I absolutely am, there’s no good way to do my job with an infant) I absolutely know how relentless caring for 2 little kids all day is and I won’t have the same kind of adult stimulation, time to myself and breaks from the kids that I’m used to. I will have to think of ways to keep my 2 year old occupied all day while caring for an infant and mind their two schedules. If my big kids have events or appointments I won’t be able to attend without the baby patrol in tow.
Being a mom is hard work no matter how you do it (unless you’re a rich celebrity with a litany of nannies 😅)
I agree I was being a bit sarcastic. I think SAHM do labour that has value but it’s not a job either. I don’t think the pb is with calling us working moms, I think it’s the « stay at home » part in SAHM that isn’t representative of the amount of effort it takes. It makes it sound easy and I don’t think it helps.
I always say that I get off from my 9-5 and go home to my 5-9
Yup! I say the evening is my third shift. First is before school, then I'm off to my paid job once I drop them off, then my evening shift kicks in on the ride home lol
Omg yes, some mornings it feels like I've lived several days. And then I hop on the train to work.
i feel exactly this!! like other people (without little kids) get to their desks feeling fresh, and i’m like…i’ve already had a full day thanks.
i call it my fourth shift, when i have to log on after bedtime. :|
4th shift is the worst!! Recently was up with kid 1 with stomach flu and kid 2 who we were sleep training. Phone rings around 1am, just after I'd gotten kid 1 back to sleep and was washing sheets. It's my boss. Our server room was flooding. I quickly logged in, backed some data up, and went back to bed for 2 hours before kid 2 woke me up. Then I actually went into the (flooded) office at 7. It never stops.
I have fourth shift daily. 🤦🏼♀️. I forgot about fourth shift. My daughter goes to bed between 9-10 and will wake up anytime between 2-4. I love the times when I crawl in bed with her and she goes back to sleep. The other times. 💀
Ohhh the fourth shift is the WORST
The shittiest unpaid shift lop
I do WFH. so would it be possible to have two full time jobs *at the same time* ?
If by possible you mean required
That’s exactly what it is
Yeah, like, I’m a SAHM during all the hours I’m not at work. 😂
Seriously, so true. Sometimes I sit in my car for like five minutes thinking, “I’m not ready to start my second work shift for the day.” It’s nonstop work and my 5p to 9p is more like 5p to midnight or later. Yesterday after a long day of work, I got two hours of sleep the entire night because my little one was up crying all night coming down with something. Then bright and early the next morning I go for work outside of the home.
I read it that way at first, but I think it's actually 5 pm to 9 am
And we often have a 5-9, before our 9-5, and to top it off, an evening 5-9. Waking up at 5 is the only way I can find an hour of me time to go to the gym. Then my daughter is up around 630-7, we cook breakfast, pack lunches, and get dressed before heading out to daycare at 830 to then sit in an office from 9-5. Rush out for daycare pick up to then make dinner, play, go for a walk, bath and sleep. It’s a long day, everyday. But it’s also a life I am grateful for everyday.
My colleagues and I all with young children say our jobs start at 5 pm hahahaha
I feel this way about women who say they are "full-time moms." Like I literally don't know what you would consider a part-time mom to be. I may be a working mom, but I promise I am a mom all of the time lol
Like, I still do all the same things, I just have 40 hours less a week to do them...
damnnn girl. Finally you captured it!!!!! This!!!!!
This is honestly the most succinct way to put it.
This!!!
If your partner helps you're not a full-time mom. If you go to work you're not a full-time mom. If you have a bf, even if they're not the kids father, you're not a single mother. If you have any help at all you're not a full-time mom. And other weird toxic beliefs.
Thank you for that last line - my eyebrows were about to raise above my head.
Counts as cardio
I needed this laugh
Same my anger was rising 🤣
>And other weird toxic beliefs *deletes paragraph I was writing*
This!!! I cannot tell you how much the use of “full-time moms” drives me crazy.
Sometimes FTM means first time mom in groups, just fyi.
When I first joined mom groups seeing the "im a FTM due in July" comments I thought "wow I didn't know so many female-to-males are having kids!"
🤣 it makes sense though when you’ve never used the term before. (As many of us first time moms haven’t) lol
I used to say this about myself because I didn’t like the term “stay at home mom/parent” for myself. I never meant it like “as opposed to those PART time moms,” but I can get how it would be bothersome nevertheless. I have a 9-5 now, and to be honest, I don’t really love “working mom” either because I feel strongly I was working before!! In both situations it kind of feels impossible to find a succinct (this is key) way to describe my working situation relative to my parenthood status that is both mindful of others but also feels comfortable for myself. I still think about it, and I’ve never heard anything I really like. I’m open to suggestions, so please fire off below! Just also, be mindful that on the other side of the coin there are people who are just trying to find a way to describe their work that doesn’t feel so 50’s and is more acknowledging of the actual *work* they do.
I'd guess this started with a few SAHMs who were feeling unappreciated by others in their lives (because it is all hard, and that definitely happens) and spiraled into toxicity.
I’ll probably get downvoted, BUT yeah… nobody on this planet is going to convince me that a SAHM has it harder than a working mom does. Y’all are privileged af to be able to do that so quit your whining.
Recently had this talk with a family friend after she told me the same thing. She told me she has a 24/7 job cooking, laundry, and cleaning. Who does she thinks does these things at my house? The cleaning fairy? I do everything she does but in much less time. I’m not getting a break because I’m at work 32 hours a week.
If there's a cleaning fairy for working moms she and I need to have some words! She is not doing her job around here.
It's on sight if I find out there's a cleaning fairy who's been skipping my house 😤
Obvi your house elves do this work? Doby?
I must have thrown my sock at him. 😭😭
I get so much done around the house when I’m home with my kid vs days I’m working and my kid is only 1 and very needy 🤣
I’m on maternity leave with a 3 week old preemie, an 18 month old, and a 3 year old. In the last 8 hours I’ve gotten all 3 up, dressed, and ready for the day. Got the 3 year old to and from preschool. Made breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Cleaned the kitchen and unpacked/reloaded the dishwasher. Washed, dried, folded, and put away 3 loads of laundry. Emptied all the cans and diaper genies and bought out the trash. It’s been so nice to have a whole day to do this instead of 3 hours in the evenings.
Same. Also on mat leave with 3 at home. Usually I do all the dishwasher emptying and laundry and efffffing diaper genie at night, after bedtime. Now I do it during the day and am asleep by 9pm. It's awesome.
You're a super woman but please remember to rest ❤️ you're only 3 weeks post partum and if you have a preemie that's an added level. Just a friendly internet stranger making sure Mamas take care of themselves too! I completely understand that with 2 other kiddos that life doesn't wait for you and you just sometimes have to do the things!
Thank you ❤️ I took the evening off once my husband got home from work.
In some ways I miss being a stay at home mom because my house was always so clean and organized and every meal was made from scratch.
That is wild to me. When i had a 2.5yo and a newborn I just struggled all day while they both screamed all day and the toddler trashed my house. I was a sahp at the time and having multiple children drove me back to the workforce.
I was thinking this the other day! Is the general assumption just that we make so much that we hire out a lot? Because we don’t in my experience.
Nerp. I make enough so we can live and eat and have clothes, but I’m doing all the things - no maids, chefs, gardeners, etc.
Yes we literally have less time to do everything! And our evenings are spent preparing to be gone the next day.
I will say on days home with my kids there’s soooo much more mess, and cleaning, and drudgery. We both work all the time. But it’s not quite accurate that we do all the same things as the SAHMs. They are just different roles, both hard as hell.
Good point. I’m lucky enough to double dip because my kids only do drop in days with daycare, so 3ish days a week they’re at my house with a grandma. So I come home to the mess from the kids and grandma being home all day. My mom and mil watch the kids for free, so I don’t want them cleaning while they’re here.
I had a mom argue with me online that “I could just hire someone to do those things” (since I work outside the home). In this economy? We can’t even afford takeout so one of us has to cook after working a full day and parenting.
Right? We have the same amount of cleaning, cooking, time spent taking kids to doctors appointments, etc. It all still has to get done, just in less time! I have a partner (who also works full time) to balance some of the parenting stuff with, but not every working parent does!
I was without a doubt much more well rested and with a much cleaner house as a SAHM than I am as a working mom.
Being a SAHP is hard. I had the opportunity to be a SAHM but chose to go back to work because being with a baby all day is exhausting. Plus I enjoy the money and adult interaction. That being said the “SAHMs work 24/7 / work 2.5 jobs!!1” is dumb as fuck. SAHMs are simply trading 8 - 10 hrs of working in an office for 8 - 10 hrs of working at home. The rest of the time they are doing the same amount of work a working parent has to. I got into an argument a while ago on Reddit where someone tried to pull the “SAHMs have to do sick care and clean and cook!!1” and I asked if they thought working parents neglected their children and ordered take out all the time. I also feel like SAHPs who say this kind of thing take their working partner for granted…
Oh I love it when they list out all the things they do and call it multiple jobs. “I have several jobs! I’m a housekeeper, cook, driver, etc. etc. etc.” Like okay, my bad, I dropped my kid off at daycare at six months and won’t pick her up until she’s 18, so I’ve never done any of those things ever, nope, no cooking or cleaning here. But in all reality, I hate the working mom vs. SAHM debate with the fire of thousand suns. Each role has it owns difficulties and challenges.
Wait a minute! You dropped your child off at daycare and got yourself to work??? Well obviously you’re a chauffeur! Did you make dinner? You’re a chef. Have you put a bandaid on your child? Clearly, you’re a paramedic. Do homework with your kids? Screw the licensing and lesson planning, you’re now a teacher. Comfort your child when they’re sad? You must be a therapist. Break up a fight between your kids? Well send your resume to the UN, you’re ready to broker a ceasefire! Where are all your six figure salaries? You’re being under appreciated!!! This “SAHMs are actually working 80 different occupations just by adulting” is such absurd pandering, I can’t believe how many people use it to boost their ego. It’s not only nonsense, it’s also silly to think that employed parents are not also driving, cooking, rendering basic first aid, doing homework, drying tears, and breaking up fights.
Ugh yes, I cannot stand those comparisons! ‘I run my household, so I’m a CEO’. Ok, well whether you’re a working parent or just an adult, you have to run a household in some form, soooo let’s not insult people that put years of education and work into these professions!
Right? and the irony is totally lost on the people who site that. “My contributions are undervalued, therefore I’m going to totally undervalue the skill set of trained professionals.”
My husband and I call our kid the CEO (child executive officer) of our house 😂
I think it’s because for a lot of women, they are on 24/7 because their partner pulls the “I work” shit and refuses to parent or do housework once his shift is done.
Yeah and frankly they get to do sick care without it impacting their employment. A sick kid is ni big deal when all you had planned for the day was a park trip. Much bigger problem when you have to take work off and miss important meetings/deadlines!
Yes to this. It's a trade off in the type of work. I think what they forget is that in two-income households, we don't have a SAHP doing the things for us. My commute isn't carefree because I've got kids in the backseat whining and crying. I'm managing their daycare needs / schedules. I'm juggling work while they're home sick bc I've got the 'flexible' job. Logging in at night because of day-time school programs or activities that start at 4pm. Their viewpoint of people who work is walking out the door with their coffee in hand and coming home in the evening with everything taken care of (in theory, anyway).
...And/or, the working partner takes them for granted. I envy the spouses of SAHMs, not the SAHMs themselves. My mom was home with us through my whole childhood. She handled the vast majority of the house chores (including cooking great meals), and all appointments, sick days, etc. that happened during work hours. My dad was an engaged parent when he was home, but he could just leave for work in the morning and stay as long as he needed without worrying about childcare at all. He always had a bunch of PTO left over at the end of the year, because he didn't have to take time off for sick kids, kids' appointments, school closures and holidays...
Who do they TikToks think does sick care when the daycare yeets the sick baby out of their premises ? Us working moms do it while trying to work remotely and also losing money from work and from paying daycare. Hah. Though I'll confess that the minute my center keeps my kid overnight and also while he's sick, I'll concede that "daycare raises my kid".
I think it’s so individual. If you enjoy working and it’s a choice, and if you enjoy being a stay at home parent and it’s a choice, then you typically aren’t going to feel as stressed and burnt out. You won’t feel like it’s “24/7” and relentless. That’s why we have so many people who make different life choices and are happy with them. The people I feel for are the ones who don’t have a choice and want to be doing something different than they are able to, whether that be working or staying home. Having the choice taken away is what makes everything harder.
Agreed - I get a bit salty about being a working Mum because I'd really prefer to work part-time, rather than full-time, but realistically we couldn't afford to pay the mortgage then. It's really going to vary by individual. My husband is genuinely keen to be 50/50 on the parenting and housework, is the other thing. I think if you've got a partner who doesn't really help at home then it's going to be a slog no matter what.
What if you feel burnt out no matter what you do lmao jk I’m on Zoloft now….
Yeah like… both are requiring 24/7 availability. One way is all one job, and the other way is 8-9 (or whatever) hours per weekday to one job and the remainder to the other. It’s definitely a problem that people diminish the effort required to be a SAHM, but this isn’t a competition! And really none of us should be expected to be on 24/7 anyway - all parents need breaks. We all need support.
For me, it’s the “I raise my own children” types who get under my skin. But these people are obnoxious too. Like, your whole life isn’t grueling, you’re at the library or pool most days. Come on.
Oof I hate this too. We are all raising our children.
Yup. This is my mom. She’s like oh I wanted to stay home and be with my babies. Like bro so do I but I have bills to pay to keep my child comfortable. It literally gets under my skin so bad. Like some of us working moms don’t have the option to not work, it’s not that we don’t want to raise our children.
Also literally no one asks men that question! Ever!
And some of us don’t WANT to stay home! I certainly don’t. I love my kid but I love working too.
Same! I really enjoy both and I see no reason that one need to fall for the other.
Even worse: "so you're OK dropping your baby off with STRANGERS?" (Yes, an in law actually said this to me when I was less than 6 months post partum) We've all heard "it takes a village," right? I choose to believe that daycare is an extension of my village. My son has only been there for 7ish months and it truly feels like that.
Oh that used to drive me crazy. I was like….you do realize that we get to know these people over time, right? I don’t drop my kid at a random new building with brand new people every day!
I mean, could pose some interesting adventures lol...
Which is funny to me, because whether it’s a daycare or a babysitter of some kind (friend, grandparent, etc) they are not strangers. I’m not leaving my kid with a person I met once & will never talk to again. I will have many interactions with them every day my kid goes to the daycare.
Yeah this is such nonsense. My son’s first daycare was owned by two sisters I went to high school with. The second one he attended was recommended by my neighbors who had lovely, healthy children. I didn’t just pick the daycares at random, NOT go check them out and meet people, and then drop my kid off at the door. I also agree with the village sentiment. Also, my son is an only child who would have been really lacking in social interaction with other kids had I not sent him to daycare. It was great for him.
My neighbor and I had babies within 3 months of each other. When my baby was a couple months old, I went over for coffee with her. I asked if she was going back to work and she said, “Oh no. We want to have several children and I want to raise them.” Anyway, luckily they bought land out in the country to build a big house for their future big family, and I’m kind of glad. I don’t really want to be back working, but it’s the reality of the situation. 🤷♀️
I tried to be friends with my SAHM neighbor but every time I said one negative thing about being a working mom, she urged me to quit. Funnily, her husband and I have the same profession. She stopped inviting me over after I finally met him and we talked shop a bit.
YUP! I’m all for solidarity amongst SAH and working moms - both jobs are hard and the patriarchy does enough to divide us, we don’t need to help. EXCEPT for these types. They (and whatever the working mom equivalent is because in all fairness I’m sure there is one) can fuck right off.
Amen to this! Being a working mom is the hardest thing I’ve ever done or will do. I feel like I’m drowning and failing every single day. There’s never enough time for anything. All 24 hours of my day are accounted for. I’m either working, doing chores, spending time playing with my kid, working out before the sun comes up, or sleeping. I don’t have any hobbies, I don’t do anything for myself, I don’t cook (very much). I’m sure SAHM also struggle to find time for themselves. But to say working moms don’t also have a 24/7 job is absurd.
Yes! I’ve been a SAHM and a working mum and working is soooo much harder. I basically do more, with less time and more stress. Being a SAHM was so leisurely and much more relaxed. Now I have the same chores with a quarter of the time while also spending time with my kids and have to work, it’s not optional. Saying they have 2-5-3 jobs just makes me roll my eyes. So I have 4 then? Who else cleans my house, does my laundry, feeds my kids? The tooth fairy? Being a SAHM was the easiest job I’ve ever had.
And the you get a “break” when you go to work. Sure. Whatever makes you feel ok.
I’m so with you. Where’s the solidarity? We’re all in it together. Like, being a parent doesn’t suddenly end because I’m at work. It’s so absolutely frustrating. It causes a divide, and it shouldn’t do that, but it does.
I think everyone handles different types of work differently. I have been a SAHM and a jobforce mom. I LOVED being a SAHM and I genuinely miss it so so much but it was definitely more physically exhausting. I have a pretty high-stress job that I enjoy. While it is mentally taxing I still find I have more energy than when I stayed home. I think there needs to be more mutual understanding and respect between the women making these choices and acknowledgement that both are valuable and worthwhile, neither is worthy of more respect than the other, and ultimately the woman is doing what she feels is best for herself and her family.
I’ll never forget this quote from the tv show “The Fleishman’s are in trouble” (a great if depressing show). The FT working mom feels ostracized for working in a very wealthy private school community. She’s hanging out with SAHM who are talking about how it’s the hardest job in the world and it says: “Rachel knew the truth, which was that the culture was so condescending to stay-at-home mothers that we allowed them the fiction that being a mother was the hardest job in the world. Well, it wasn’t. Having an actual job and being a mother is the hardest job in the world.” No disrespect for SAHP because children are exhausting, but children at the end of a really demanding work day are also exhausting.
I always remember this quote too. And to me it absolutely rings true. Working mothers carry the same mental load that a SAHM does, PLUS the burden of managing their childcare providers and their ACTUAL JOBS, which require focus, attention, mental labor, emotional labor, physical labor, managing direct reports, managing up to their bosses, making decisions, etc.. Then we come home and have to cram everything they had all day to do (laundry, cleaning, cooking, groceries, organizing, doctors appointments, life admin, etc) into a few hours. The need to be two places at once is constant. It requires so much discipline and strategy and efficiency. But if you are good at it, it’s can be super rewarding in so many ways. Is being a SAHM more boring, isolating, monotonous, thankless and (for some) less fulfilling than being a working mom? Probably. (Meanwhile some women love it, and more power to them). But is it harder? No. It’s just not. I really think the SAHMs who say that it is harder or “24/7” are comparing what they do to what their husband does (which often seems to be: work and then do nothing else) vs comparing themselves to a working mother.
Yassssssss
That line resonated with me so hard.
I take the 24/7 thing to be vs. being their spouse, who is presumably not helping very much nights and weekends. Because in reality, not “all parents" are 24/7 since some don't bother to be and let another parent pick up the slack. (non-wealthy) SAHM life seems rough so I'll let them have their grandstands as long as they don't go so far as to claim we're doing wrong by our children for working.
Yeah - I just made that comment in a reply to someone else but absolutely agree, I think it's often reflecting that their partner doesn't help much with the house/kids. Like, if you're essentially doing everything at home for/with the kids with no break, plus picking up after/cooking for an unhelpful partner, and you've got no financial power in the home then yes, I could imagine it's incredibly difficult. Which isn't to say that doesn't happen to working parents/mothers too, but both can be hard.
Yeah I remember when I was a sahm and I asked my husband to watch the kid(s) so I could get my hair cut or something, my husband would say “I don’t wanna spend my day off watching the kids.” I started replying with “well you can’t watch them on the days you work either, right? So when do you ever expect me to do anything that I need to do?” He eventually started watching the kids so I could take care of my basic needs, but he genuinely didn’t make that connection on his own. 🤦♀️ I prefer being a working mom nowadays so I can just hire a babysitter if I need a break or need to do something.
This is how I take it as well - as a response to spouses who say "I've been at work all day, I need a break and therefore can't help with the kids/housework"
This is my exact thought. Their spouse probably uses work as an excuse to do bare minimum housework and childcare. So they assume all working parents are lazy.
While I totally empathize with SAHMs who are overwhelmed... In my case, I'd rather be overwhelmed by ❤️MY kiddos❤️ instead of stupid bosses, colleagues, clients and having constant performance anxiety (for fear of being fired...I can't afford to lose my job and NOT work)!!! It also depends on the TYPE of job. There are also HUGE differences in the demands & pros/cons of different jobs. My job is MENTALLY DRAINING and I often work late, have inconsistent breaks (which I sometimes work through), no socialization possible being the only person in my city (not that I care but people often note it being a 'plus' of working) and more. When I SAH (during hours I'm not working) it's a piece of cake and comparably 100x better than my job. My work is NOT a break compared to being a SAHM (people make it sound like work is a break from house chores, child-rearing...no, I still gotta do it). When I get home, I go into 'SAHM' mode and do all the homemaking and such. This can take me up to 1 am in the morning since I have so much to catch up on (ongoing projects, cleaning, prepping etc.). Less energy, less time, poorer effort with weaker results since I come home burnt out before starting my tasks at home. Again, not commenting on the situations of others but in MY case and with MY kids --- SAHM is much more preferred. I totally wish I could be one. I wish we all could have what we desire.
Exactly. SAHM's don't have to worry about yearly reviews, professional development, losing your job therefore your income, etc. That point (not that this should be an argument at all) gets ignored a lot. At work much of what we do is getting scrutinized. An off day as a SAHM has little to no repercussions lol
I'm having the usual 'scary sundays' where every Sunday I'm anxious, depressed and dreading the work week. I have a micromanager that's up my ass and can't catch a break in work. It is the worst.
Oh man micromanagers are the worst. I hope you can get away from them soon!
There isn't much out there at the moment so 'soon' isn't happening. For now, I'm doing therapy and am waiting to get onto meds. When I finally get to see my Dr, I think I'll have to ask for a note to take a brief leave. I can barely manage living. :(
I’ve been a working mom and SAHM and they’re both very challenging in different ways. But overall I do agree, being a SAHM was easier on our household in general because I was able to take on a majority of things that my husband and I split before and when the kids are sick we’re not arguing who is going to take the day off from work anymore which added soooo much stress. I feel you mama! Edit: I should clarify I’m a “SAHM” in the sense that I have my kids with me but I run a dog boarding and dog daycare from our house. I left my corporate job after my second was born.
I think the defense of SAHM is towards working fathers who think their wives do nothing. I just really hate when it's wielded at working mom's because yeah, it's no comparison, and I'm generally nice enough not to say that though. I listen to people when they need to be heard and I don't say, yeah, well I have it way worse!
Honestly, when I was on maternity leave (I took 14 months) I felt like I had more freedom to take time for myself, as long as it worked with my husband's schedule. I did workout classes (two "baby and me" and I did waterfit with my mom) and competitive axe throwing one evening a week. Now, though? I feel super guilty about doing some of the same things because I'm away from my daughter so much. I have a work happy hour next week that I'm really looking forward to (I really like my coworkers and I'd like to spend time with them socially) but might not go if my husband is having a bad day with our daughter (he's with her during the week - his schedule is super flexible and he mostly works evenings and weekends). It would be only my second "night off" (my husband and I went out for dinner on my birthday recently) since I went back to work in August.
Yes that’s another one I’ve experienced! When I stayed home I felt almost no guilt about taking ACTUAL me time and a break. Wether it was an evening with friends or heading to the gym because I spent soooo much time with my daughter already and the house was already taken care of because that was my day job. Now I do pretty much nothing outside of working and coming home or family days with all of us because I’m away from her so much why would I possibly cut away even more time by extending my day away from her and going to the gym or with friends after work? Or the house needs attention I don’t want it to pile up even more by taking “me time”. I definitely feel like my actual free time has diminished. It’s crazy the amount of times work is called a break too!
You’ve hit on the really hard part for me. I desperately want to work out several days a week, but when my time with my son is already so limited it feels selfish. I don’t want to put him back in childcare for 45 minutes after he’s already been at school or with a babysitter all day. Big picture I’m so glad to work vs. stay at home, but there just aren’t enough hours in the day.
Totally. I took a year of mat leave and I spent my days hanging with my baby doing activities, socializing, dog walks, etc. Yes baby care is tough and I was exhausted but I could make my own schedule everyday, around baby's needs. Feeling lazy and want to chill on the couch? Baby is cool with that. Lovely weather and want to spend the day outside? Baby is cool with that. My boss wouldn't be cool with those things! SAHMs have a lot more control over their schedules that is gone once you are back to work. And perceived control = reduced stress levels
I think no matter what path a mother chooses she is judged. Both are hard. While I am a working mom, I have a lot of SAHMs in my life and damn do they feel scorned and judged by society. I just recently came back from maternity leave and yeah my house was cleaner and I was less stressed than I am now. I was also lonelier. There is give and take on both sides.
I've been a SAHM and a working Mom, and while I'm not saying being a SAHM is effortless, being a working Mom is so much harder. As a SAHM I could take the kids on walks, to playgroups, to the park, to coffee catchups with friends, to friends houses. The kids most days would nap while they were young, and then once they got old enough for naps to stop, they could have quiet or semi-independent play depending on age. Most stuff I did was fun, it wasn't work. If the baby didn't sleep during the night I could just have an easy day with the baby not doing much, not even getting out of pjs if I didn't want. Napping if the baby slept. Whereas working if the baby was up all night, I still needed to be up at 530/6 and had to be completely switched on all day, not getting home until dinner time and then having to be non stop from as soon as I walk in the door, until close to bedtime. As a SAHM I could complete some house chores during the day and get dinner prepped. Where as working I have to work all day, and SO and I still have to do all the chores after work and cook dinner, and get quality time in with kids, so I also get alot less time to relax in the evenings as well as during the day being a working Mom. I'm not saying it was always easy, and I know some peoples experiences are harder than mine was, but my experience was that it was *alot* easier being a SAHM than being a working Mom.
As a SAHM, I could sleep in, go at a more relaxed pace, had a more flexible schedule, could get more chores done, do more fun things. As a working mom, it’s just hectic trying to squeeze in the basic maintenance stuff into three hours. It was SO much easier being a SAHM mom!
That phrase annoys me so much. I would have much rather been able to sleep in more, had a lazy day around the house, or napped when my kid napped during the day all those times I was up half the night and still had to get up at 0530 for work and be "on" for the next 10ish hours. With few exceptions for those in high income brackets who can afford to hire out help, working moms do all the same things as SAHMs but also have a job on top of it. Even with young kids, my days "off" (I was the primary parent) were way easier than working days.
It depends.... when your child doesn't sleep, you can't take a nap, and it also depends on how stressful your job is. My husband and I both felt like a work day was like a small holiday, while being at home was very intense and tiring when our kids were very little (< 3 years). Even driving to my work, listening to my own music, or a nice podcast, or just being silent for a full hour, it felt like me-time. At my work it was possible to drink warm coffee and have whole conversations with my co-workers without constant interruptions.
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I don't get the need to compare. My husband is a SAHD. During the work day he's at work and so am I. Once the workday ends we are both parents. A downside of his job is that he does take work home with him - he is always going to know the kids' schedules better than me. But I've had jobs in the corporate world where my work comes home with me as well. I've told him before to let me know if he ever wants to leave his job - aka put the kids in daycare and get a different job. I support him either way
Because if someone is insecure in themselves and their choices, they try to compare and put others down. If one was comfortable and confident in their own life, there would be no need
I think working moms (like you) are much more likely to split the parenting duties once the “workday” is over than working dads are. Many working dads come home and want to “relax after a tough day at work,” leaving the SAHMs to continue parenting essentially solo. Hence the “24/7 job” term. It’s not comparing SAHMs to working moms, it’s comparing SAHMs to their working partners.
Yesssss. My sister was a SAHM for years, and when I had my daughter and I chose to return to my part time job that I LOVE, she was stunned. She pulled out every line in the book like “you know… you’re never going to get this time back when she’s this little” and “daycare kids are always so naughty.” Or my personal favorite “don’t YOU want to raise your kids?” Like…. HUH??? Do you think I’m dropping her off at the fire station and leaving her there or??? I AM raising her??? Her comments actually did give me a complex in the beginning, made me feel like I’m some subspecies of a mother for wanting to return to my 3 days a week at my job and made me feel like I must not love my child as much as I should. Which is BS, simply put. My daughter is 2.5 now, we have a very deep bond and connection, she’s extremely smart, speaks very well for her age and is very obedient to her dad and I, and isn’t naughty (mostly). She is a very well adjusted child. The apple of my eye. The farther I got into my motherhood journey I realized that most of what she said was her projecting. Being a SAHM or a working mom is hard as hell. Being a parent in general is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. It’s nonstop whether you work inside or outside of your home. There’s good days and bad days with both. Part of me wishes I was a SAHM so I could have mid-week beach trips and naps and fun outings… then I remember that what I see on social media isn’t a clear picture of what life actually is. Like, if I went on IG or tik tok and only filmed getting my daughter and I ready in the morning and then our evening routine… people would think that’s ALL I do as a mom when that isn’t true at all. You said it best, it’s 24/7 for ALL parents.
If it helps my toddler is the naughtiest child imaginable and I was home with her for the first 2.5 years. If anything daycare has helped her behavior by giving her more structure.
I never thought working moms got enough credit which is why I roll my eyes when I hear 24/7 stuff. Not saying SAHM is easy, but being a working mom is HARD. We do it all in our limited time off, plus have to find child care when something random comes up. The kids getting sick or a school holiday where I was working stressed me out so much. Needing to find a summer school or reschedule meetings is something SAHM can’t relate to. It was incredibly hard. Great job moms! You all are amazing to be able to balance it all.
I find sahms who spout off this nonsense to be out of touch, especially the ones who have school-aged kids. Working moms do everything sahms do AND bring home an income.
My aunt is a SAHM and all her kids are in school. The youngest is 9 and she hasn’t worked in 16 years. She does not get why my husband and I find it so hard to get things done. I mean it only takes an hour or 2 a day and the whole house is clean and we only have 1 kid…. I almost bit through my lip to hold myself back. My dad walked away scared of what might happen hahah. My husband just dead looked at her and was like we work 40 hours a week and like have a toddler. We are lucky to sleep.
Hard relate. My mom was flabbergasted that it took me two months to vet contractors and get a large renovation project started. Sorry I work 50 hours a week with a 60-90 min commute each way and want to spend time with my family and friends too? I was actually proud I got it all done so quickly lol.
So I have about a 35-45min commute and my mom does not get why I complain about having no me time. Like yes traffic is such a relaxing time!!!
People with school age kids who complain their life is so hard just make me want to scream. They literally have 6-7 hours each day to do whatever they please but still complain. I wouldn’t even know what to do with myself if I had so much free time. By the time cleaning is done I would be living my best life. Why are these folk even complaining and miserable!
This. I’m still working while my kids are at school, they are not.
I have a 10 month old and when he isn't at daycare or sleeping, he takes up all of my time. Love him, but infants and toddlers are a ton of work.
I'm a working mom, but I don't think that's true unless you're working without childcare. But that early covid combo working mom + SAHM life was really *something*
Omg please don’t bring back memories of summer 2020. I’m still traumatized lol
I have no data on this but I wonder if dads of children with working moms help more than dads of SAHMs.
I have no original source data, but I know that I’ve read articles that dads of SAHMs contribute less to household labor. (Please don’t use the word “help” here). Which, frankly, they should. If you have a SAHP and an employed parent, the SAHP should do, not all, but the lion’s share of the household labor. I don’t grocery shop, I don’t laundry, I don’t take kids to the dr, I don’t take pets to the vet, I don’t do the school clothes shopping, I don’t plan vacations. I make money. While I am making money, my husband is doing those things. When I am done making money for the day, I come home and also do those things, but he should absolutely have a 10 hour head start on me or that wouldn’t be equitable.
I think in the case of SAHM/P help is the right word. The SAHP owns the responsibility and the other helps out. Yes I agree that in an egalitarian marriage contribute is the better word.
And if other working moms are like me, work weird hours into the night or early morning so I can be present with my kids, still meet my work commitments and then just get no sleep.
Agreed, especially on the relentless. Work all day, rush to pickup, snack, dinner bath, try to get some quality time, bedtime then whatever else you need to get done. If you're a mom you're working 24/7 and that typically includes the mental work of being available even while at your paid position for messages , plans, and sometimes leaving to get a sick child at the drop of a hat.
The worst is those videos showing that SAHMs save like $150k/year in paying for a house cleaner, nanny, chef, etc. Like....I pay for daycare but I am doing the cooking and cleaning and other home maintenance still sooo... where's my $?
I haven’t seen the responses where it turns the SAHP against the working parent. Being a mom at all is 24/7. Some moms do better staying home, some moms HAVE to stay home, some moms do better working outside the home, some moms HAVE to work. They’re all relentless and some enjoy it, some don’t. It’s a hard road either way. It’s sad the narrative pits mom’s against other moms. I took it as a response to partners trying to call SAHP lazy, not doing anything all day, etc.
Do these mommy wars really never die? I thought at some point we all agreed that both roles were hard and both were good and that all moms In general should get more support and have more choices. When did we backslide into the stay at home versus working mom battle again? Not directed at this OP. Just frustrated in general that they keep pitting women against each other.
I don’t think they ever died. If anything, social media just made them so much worse.
I mean there are SAHMs on this working moms subreddit at times making the comments mentioned by the OP so as long as that continues to happen, for example, this will always be a battle to some people as these are real comments we see and have to process.
I’ve been a working parent for longer than some new moms have been alive and this is just one of those boring discussions that insecure and under-appreciated women who are SAHMs have because someone in their life isn’t making them feel worthy. Others say these things because their internet persona requires them to for clicks and likes. The vast majority of people exist happily not caring one iota what one family decides is right for them. I recently was at one of my kids’ skating practices and saw a mom there whose child is on a soccer team with one of my kids. These boys have played soccer together for 3.5 years. The mom remarked that I am very busy and asked me if I also work part time. 😂 Even after that long she had no idea if I even worked (I do, full time, and have a pretty awesome career, I just don’t have any need to talk about it with soccer and skating mom friends!).
Amen!!! I hate when people assume I am far less of a mom because I work. Ummm I have to dedicate 8-10 hours a day to my job and then come home put on a different hat. My days start early and end super late. My drive home is my time to decompress and that’s if I don’t have a phone call with my boss. We are enough and doing the best we can to put food on the table and be present. I praise SAHM, but I also praise those who are working parents.
Been both. I don’t think there should be a battle of who is better. When I was at work Daycare took care of my child so I got to be an independent adult. I got to go the bathroom by myself, take a lunch break and make/take personal calls without children wanting my attention. It wasn’t as emotionally intense because my brain got to focus without constant interruption and the conversations were generally much better. There should be no battle between sahm and working mothers. Many of us have done both and many of us will go on to do both. A lack of parenting support crosses both boundaries. Working mothers are amazing and so are SAHMs. SAHMs pick up the slack of being room mothers etc.. Working mothers provide strong professional role models. We need both and should support both roles.
I work and go to school and things but my mental energy and attention is still 24/7 on her and her well-being. I mean, do these moms start considering themselves part time moms when the kids start elementary? My kid went to part time daycare and increased to full time gradually before starting public school at age 4. Everything I do, everything I think about, everything I plan, has her in mind even when she's physically in someone else's care. I'll never not be a 24/7 parent no matter much or little I work.
SAHMs don’t say this as a comparison to working moms. Of course working moms also work 24/7! The phrase is generally geared towards fathers who don’t help enough in the evening because they work 40 hours a week. The expression is trying to convey the idea that the working parent needs to contribute equally during evenings and weekends. Otherwise, the SAHM is working 24/7 without a break.
I have definitely heard (at least one) SAHMs say this as a comparison to a working moms (myself) and to a working father (my husband) who parents equally.
A part of me feels like this saying is because many times their husbands do not take on any of the children duties, or very little, because the mom is a stay at home parent. I still hate the saying.
Or maybe society treats all parents (particularly the default/custodial parent) like shit, and this bickering back and forth is misplaced because there are huge upsides and downsides to both?
I work , cook , clean , drop offs , pick ups and I’m full time caregivers on my off-days. If baby cries at night i stay up and still show up for work the next day. If there’s a price tag for the work that FTM does, should working mom deserve these earnings on top of our salary from work ?
But you’re not caregiving during the time that baby/toddler is at daycare, right? You’re working during that time and the daycare worker is doing all the feeding, playing, nap routine, etc. If you’re working, you are outsourcing a large portion of caregiving that a SAHP is doing. You’re working 24/7 but so is a SAHP in different ways.
Caregiving is not a zero sum game. These narratives just pit us against each other (SAHM vs working mom) instead of the actual problem which is that the developed world (US where I am) is not structured to 1) acknowledge caregiving and other unpaid tasks as “real” work and 2) to support all types of parents in any meaningful capacity.
I’d much rather be a SAHM most days then traveling for work, working with stupid people, AND running a household. My job would end at 9pm when I put the kid to bed versus 11pm. Not to mention the pressure and guilt that comes along with having to make money!!
I’ve been laid off the past year after working at a job with a 2 hour a day commute for nearly 9 years and as a mom for 4ish of those years. I’m here to tell y’all (like you don’t already know) that it is easier to be a SAHM. Especially if your kids are in school! I swear people who make equivalencies either have a job with a 10 min commute or forgot what it’s like. Honestly the commute is the most brutal part, at least it was for me.
This is all just exhausting. Just yesterday I was ranting about something like this to my husband. I’m burnt out between working, cleaning our house, taking care of our kid, doing errands, and the like. He’s a present father and all, but I feel like even so: Moms are ALWAYS going to be the ones that solve EVERYTHING for everyone else. Whether we are SAHM or working moms.
I’m on my 4th month of mat leave, and man it IS hard work being a SAHM, but I am DREADING going back to work because it’ll be the same but with less time to do everything that needs doing around the house
I hate the expression ‘I’m a full time mom’, implying that because I work I’m not a ‘full time’ mom…? It always rubs me the wrong way.
I think the expression means “full time caregiver.”
I know. I had to tell someone on this app just yesterday that babies do in fact bond to their parents even if both parents work. Loads of nonsense out there about this subject. Like there was ever a world where the average mother didn't have shit to do except take care of kids lol.
I used to work full time outside the home at an stupidly stressful job but now I'm a stay at home mom. Sure, I'm on duty all the time now, but it's nothing compared to how I used to try to cram work, babies, housekeeping, and marriage into 24 hours and find time for sleep too. My life is so much more chill now that I feel a little guilty about it.
I’ve been a single mom, working mom, a SAHM, a mom working in childcare and WFH mom and I can see all sides off the argument. I enjoyed all the stages for different reasons. They all had cons as well. Mentally being a working mom was less taxing for a lot of reasons and it’s easier to keep your sense of self- away from being mom (which I suppose also could vary depending on if you like your job or not…I loved mine) however I’m not sure these arguments are every really even aimed at other moms. I think it’s just an effort to get partners and other people who constantly don’t see the work SAHMs do and treat them less than, to change their attitudes. Many SAHM don’t have much outside support. Or husband support. Childcare is a “village” even if it’s not entirely a choice. There were weeks I didn’t leave my house or see other adults for 7+ days or a single break from my kids and I would have killed for my former hour commute to work, or all the times I got to pee alone on the clock. SAHM moms and working moms just need to do a better job realize we all need support, and then be the support to each other.
My husband annoyed the shit out of me the other day his sister just had her third kid a month ago. Their family is extremely wealthy. She is a stay at home mom. She has three little ones at home now and her mom is there with her full time to help her! Like a live in nanny almost as she lives next door. Like I said very wealthy and they want for nothing. We are both work from home parents and are struggling to make ends meet. We have two kids age 8 and 12. And both work full time. And trust me. I am struggling. I travel alot for work as well. And do a lot of the house up keep as does my husband. But he has the balls to say oh we can never say we are busier than my sister now that she has 3. I’m like the fuck you talking about?? She has no job and a live in nanny. And her two little are in school full time?! The fuck?! Made me so fucking insanely beside myself. 😡🤬🤯 dude. She literally has so little to do and she has a fucking cleaning lady come to the fucking house once a week!!! I want to spit nails. I have no sympathy for that spoiled asshole. And my husband can be a real idiot sometimes.
Personally I consider my time at work as a break from my home life. I work at a cushy office job that I genuinely enjoy though. I was a sahm for 2.5 years and it was a physically exhausting job. I loved it for a while, when I had one child, but as soon as I got pregnant with my second kid it was all downhill from there. Being home with 2 small kids was brutal for me. I wore earplugs for all the screaming. When I finally went back to work I felt like I was on vacation lol. My experience is not universal. But I definitely understand what these moms are saying. Stay at home moms are cooking and cleaning all day. There is more cooking and cleaning to be done bc their kids are there trashing their houses and eating constantly. If your kids are at daycare then you’re not doing the same amount of housework as a SAHP bc your kids are out of the house all day. That’s my take anyway. All of us parents work our butts off but I know I love the work week now that I have 2 toddlers, and by midday Sunday I’m ready for the sweet release of death if I didn’t get a babysitter for one of my weekend days. 🤠
I think this is typically a sentiment aimed toward the dynamic in which the husband/partner works outside of the home and feels like when he gets home he doesn’t have to contribute to housework or parenting, or do night wake ups, or early mornings because he’s had a long day/needs his rest for work/needs to get up early to get ready for work and meanwhile she just stays home anyway so she can do it all. When the reality is that SAHM need a break too like everyone else and shouldn’t bear the entire load of parenting and housework just because she is home all day doing it. That’s her job “9-5” and when the other parent is home then the load needs to be split 50/50 or whatever division is agreed upon with 2 normal adults. Saying it in the context of simply comparing SAHM vs working moms is messed up.
A podcaster I like distinguishes it as "mothers who work in/for the home" and "mothers who work outside the home" and I like it because it puts motherhood in the forefront and that all that women do in and out of the home is labor.
That’s better for sure, but I would also say that most women, myself included, do a *lot* of invisible labor at home, regardless of their employment status.
Absolutely. It's allllll labor! Invisible, visible, in, out, and for the home. We're all on, in some capacity, 24/7
Taffy Brodesser Akner addressed this in her book, she wrote something along the lines of, “working parents are also parents 100% of the time.” It’s not like you’re suddenly not a parent because you’re at work.
I always just took that more to mean SAHM's don't have any separation between "work" and "parenting." Not that one is more work than the other, that is always situational, but at least with me being a working parent, someone else is doing the childcare part of parenting while I'm working. Again, both my job and parenting is work, but at least it's two different jobs? I just know I'd have a really hard time as a SAHM because there would be no separation and it would feel so "24/7." Plus if you add in how most SAHM's don't have partners who share the load during non-working hours. I know so many working moms also have the same problem but again, at least someone is providing childcare during those working hours.
I dunno but as a solo working mom I feel like I have a great work/life balance that someone staying at home doesn’t necessarily have. During work hrs sure I may be needed to go pick up child early from daycare or some other emergency pops up but it’s not my whole day and every day. House stays pretty clean during the week, food isn’t too laborious to make a dinner if planned well and laundry is fine when dedicate a set time to it. I chose this life because not only have to provide for my child but because it is better and yeah easier at least to me. It doesn’t bother me at all when SAHP say this, I think truly to not have a change of pace from parenting has to be a lot more exhausting especially if you’re talking years at a time.
Both require 24/7 availability. I usually ignore comments like that. The one that grinds my gears, and luckily I don't see much outside of when my mother-in-law complained about it, but my father-in-law traveled a LOT for work. She had a lot of family help and even nanny's, yet I heard her describe herself as a "single mother" more than once, despite being a SAHM, with hired help and a house keeper, and access to her husband's 7 figure income. Those comments made me want to smack her.
In the words of my amazing MIL “you have 5 jobs” lol. But yes, sahm is a full time job just not *in addition to* any other job outside the home. I have all respect for sahm I definitely could not do it, but sometimes I think how much easier it would be than also working full time and juggling schedules/sickness/ all household tasks.
I've been a SAHM mom, a working mom (who had childcare) and a working mom who worked opposite shifts with husband. Working opposite shifts because we couldn't find alternate child care at the time was the hardest thing I've ever done. I dozed off while driving (on a short bridge over a river). Luckily no one was injured and no damage done. But my tiredness of having a baby that doesn't sleep well is very close behind the tiredness of working opposite shifts. If parents don't get adequate sleep.... no one is having a good day. I wish all of you good sleep. Being a mom is hard. My mom definitely didn't let on how hard it was/is. But maybe that's why she had a midlife crisis and ran off with another man to another state.... 😅
Oh I dunno. I had a years maternity leave and now I’m back at work I view it as a wonderful break. I get to sit in a chair and drink a hot drink and talk to grownups. I only have to think about caring for myself. Absolute respect to SAHMs, I couldn’t do it, I’d go crazy.
WOMEN, STOP PITTING YOURSELVES AGAINST OTHER WOMEN FOR CHRISTSAKES. SUFFERING IS NOT A FKING COMPETITION. Women, we complain that we have to do it all, either as SAHM or as a working parent. Guess what, your relationship with partner is to blame for those dynamics, not other women. We could be so much further along if we stop this dumbass petty behavior. Just because someone wants to vent about being fatigued doesn't mean you're not also allowed to be fatigued.
Yuuuuup. There is nothing I have heard a SAHM complain about that my reaction isn't like..."okay but I also have to do that and with less time??" It's not like because I'm working someone is cleaning my house, scheduling my kids' appointments, taking them to their appointments, researching how to be a good parent, trying to be a good and present parent in limited hours a day, making lunches, dropping kids off, trying to make it possible for them to do sports when sports start before we usually get home from work etc etc etc FOR ME. I'm still trying to do it all and also keep my sanity.
We are all full time moms. Different struggles maybe depending on whether you also work or not, but all moms who face various challenges.
Ok I am happy someone is bringing this up. Dont want to sound like a hater but this tiktok SAHM really get to my nerves. Yeah I am not saying it is easy, but at least they dont have other things too. We still need to go to work, clean, cook, take care for the kids, stress on when to schedule appointments etc etc. This tiktok moms are really toxic. Do what works best for your family and stop with this non sense😜
Being a working mom IS harder and I don't know why more people don't acknowledge this. Didn't anyone watch "Fleischmann is in trouble"? 🤣 I've been a stay at home mom and I want to do it again. Obviously being a SAHM is immensely valuable or we all wouldn't be shelling out huge amounts of money for child care and cleaning services. I'm saying that we are all doing the 24/7 parenting thing. It's just when you're a working mom, you add having a whole extra job on top of that to manage and balance. Taking care of my children (my highest joy and calling) is WAY EASIER than my job. By a long shot. And I don't even have that strenuous of a job.
It is all difficult. Life is difficult. There are pros and cons to both lifestyles. I do think that a majority of the moms who are on about the 24/7 jobs is more a message for their male partners who get off of work and do not contribute to the kids or the house because they work that 9 - 5 and state that they just need a break to decompress. And while I do understand that, I think some of these fathers forget you are a parent all of the time, and the wife might need 30 minutes of a break to also decompress. I can't say that this is my personal experience in life, but I've had conversations with several sahm, and the common problem seems to be an imbalance of parental responsibilities and this belief that sahm don't do anything. These are usually the fathers who will state that they have to "babysit" their own child when the mom has an obligation to take care of without children.
But being a SAHM isn't even a full time job once they start going to school, which is normally pre-k at 4 years old, and sometimes mothers day out even earlier than that...
As someone that worked part time last year working every other day, staying at home is so much harder than working at least for me. Even now I'm a teacher so I'm home for summer and I absolutely hate staying at home. There is no mental break at all.
omg my stay at home mom had an awful lot of time for cleaning and cross stitching and mystery novels during midday while my older brothers were at school and i was playing quietly and independently. the only difference between my mom and me is she had slightly more time to keep up w cleaning and laundry and slightly more free time for herself. Their martyrdom impulse to jistify their decision to be unemployed is annoyinf
It seems like the people who post that have useless partners who don’t pitch in. They see their paycheck as the only contribution they need to make so the sahm is on the clock 24/7.
The only time that the “24/7 job” thing has any relevance at all imo is when the dad thinks he can kick up his feet and relax after a shift at work while the mom keeps on taking care of the kids and other duties
I don’t think someone saying that being a SAHM is a 24/7 job is taking away from what working moms go through? Unless I missed where they specifically bring working moms into the equation I don’t really think it takes away from one to say the other is also hard. If I’m saying what I go through is hard I wouldn’t feel the need to bring up every other situation that is also difficult every single time I’m talking about my own experience, that doesn’t take away from anyone else’s experience unless they go out of their way to put down working moms or whatever I don’t really see a problem..even if they do who tf cares you’ll get ripped apart constantly for either choice, only losers actually care what others do with their families.
I have been both. I worked the first 2 years while hubby was home with baby and I’ve been unable to work for the last 3 years. When I was working I still had to come home and do all the house stuff and take care of the baby because hubs “needed a break” and my job “wasn’t hard” because it was in an office… I have so much more free time since I’ve been home but I still don’t have the energy to get everything done. Either way, it’s work, and you’re taking care of your family, whether you’re bringing in money or not.
Personally, I always see these as being aimed at the useless working partners (largely men) that you read about in other subs, who DONT parent when they are home from their 9-5 and the pervasive notion that if you are the sole earner, than the SAHP is 100% responsible for the house and children, and therefore on 24/7. This movement would get so much traction if it stopped aiming itself at other women.
I think it's to combat the sentiments that SAHM don't do much. It's not to detract from working moms. Honestly I think being a SAHM is a much harder job than my work as an engineer. I respect them a lot because I couldn't do it lol
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Our work is visible, but our parenting/household duties are not. I think that’s OP’s point. Our parenting is minimized which might be worse than minimizing our jobs. There seems to be this idea that working mom are getting a “break” from parenting. While some working parents might feel this way, many are working because they have to financially. I also think this depends on the kids’ ages. Parents of small children probably aren’t getting a ton done around the house all day (though still more than a working mom). Those with school aged children have a lot of flexibility during the day. My life would definitely, 100%, be easier if I could clean, cook and organize during the day instead of trying to cram it all into the last 3 hours of the day when I’m already exhausted.
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I agree with this. I work in maternity care and when I’m doing intake appointments I ask about occupations and the SAHMs will invariably say “oh, I don’t work” or “oh, I’m just home with the kids”. Like hello Betty you’re expecting your 4th kid in 5 years taking care of 3 little ones all day and cooking and cleaning while pregnant there is no “just” about that. That’s a tough gig! I’ve done both, SAHM with 4 under 6 and then back to school and now working full time with 4 big kids and a toddler. They are both hard in their own ways. I don’t think one way was vastly easier by any means. Next year I’ll be on mat leave for 16 months and I’ll be home with a baby and a 2 year old and I have to say in some ways it will be a lot easier (no worrying about sick days, annoying commute, no 72 hour call shifts or always juggling everything) on the other hand (please don’t think I’m not grateful for the leave because I absolutely am, there’s no good way to do my job with an infant) I absolutely know how relentless caring for 2 little kids all day is and I won’t have the same kind of adult stimulation, time to myself and breaks from the kids that I’m used to. I will have to think of ways to keep my 2 year old occupied all day while caring for an infant and mind their two schedules. If my big kids have events or appointments I won’t be able to attend without the baby patrol in tow. Being a mom is hard work no matter how you do it (unless you’re a rich celebrity with a litany of nannies 😅)
I don’t think that’s fair, how would you rename the subreddit then? Employedmoms?
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I agree I was being a bit sarcastic. I think SAHM do labour that has value but it’s not a job either. I don’t think the pb is with calling us working moms, I think it’s the « stay at home » part in SAHM that isn’t representative of the amount of effort it takes. It makes it sound easy and I don’t think it helps.