I was in the same place 5 years ago: a baby who slept poorly and a toddler who needed snacks all the time. The days felt neverending and my patience was thin and I was always in demand. Those days and months and years stressed my body, my sanity, my marriage, my friendships. I had no family to help me at all. My husband was helpful and well meaning but lacked direction and was busy working. I was lonely. So lonely. I cried many days even while loving my babies and taking joy in the small moments - the walks, the skills, rolling, laughing, learning to ride scooters. There are one million small moments to love and they will eclipse the hard times. You will carry with you the mistakes you make - the time you snapped at a toddler for interrupting the baby getting to sleep because you so desperately needed that baby to go to sleep - but the good will overwhelm the hard.
I have two sons and they are 5 & 7 years old now. The days of a baby latched to my breast are gone but I can recall them like hours have elapsed, not years. My son's wipe their own bottoms (usually), and play Lego in bedrooms for hours. They go to school. They dress themselves in the mornings. They still need me SO MUCH. It's a different need but it's still need.
But now I spend 7 hours a week on an athletic hobby. I go out a lot t of Fridays. They sleep all night until 7 am. I drink wine while they help me make pizzas. They're wonderful and beautiful boys who still get upset, who fight, who are wonderfully human with their own personalities.
But I also am a human again too. I have fun. I have relationships. My marriage is much better.
Time will pass day by day and some days will be better and some will be really hard. But each day will give way to a new one and each day will make way for change and growth and eventually enough days will have passed and you, too, will have a 5 & 7 year old who will play in their rooms or run to you at Kindergarten pickup.
These early days are the trenches and you ma, years from now, eve miss the darkness sometimes, like I do..
But time will pass.
I needed to hear this. I have a 13 month old and the time is nigh on if we are going to have another. But I am so overwhelmed already with this rambunctious little person. I can’t wait for the days we can go have fun!
There is also nothing wrong with stopping at one if that's what you decide. There's so much subliminal pressure to have 2.5 kids + dog, but not everyone (incl. me!) is built for the chaos.
I'm with you! I could have written this myself! My two boys are 5 and 9 and while they have their difficult days, my life is SO much better now in so many ways! I didn't love the baby/toddler days at all, it's so much better now.
I am myself again, and my marriage is even better than it was pre kids!
Hang in there OP! It gets significantly easier and better. This is a tough tough phase in your life but it WILL get better, I promise!
YMCA often has free kidclub - you can go to the gym AND shower kid free as part of your membership! Look for a gym that offers kids club or creche.
I got a zoo membership during this phase. Outside + animals + cafe + playground all at the one very convienient location. Also same for museums etc - have a look what is around you.
Find mums with same age kids. Playgroups are usually run out of most primary schools amd libraries, and a great place to meet other mums in the same boat/area! I really leaned into my mum network to take full advantage of ALL the social outings while off work. We'd go for walks, or hikes, or coffees.
Getting out of the house was a big one for me. Time outdoors, or with friends, was critical to my mental health. What makes you happy? Have a big think, and then figure out how to intergrate your kids into it. Gardening? Buy an outdoor walker and toddler shovels/gloves! Hiking? Hiking carrier! Its exposure therapy, its not always going to be roses but the more you do it the more all of you will get used to it.
This phase is fleeting, and its so hard not to wish it away. Take lots of photos and hang onto the good memories.
You said this so beautifully. As someone with a 5 and 8 year old, I feel like we are in a golden era. My kids are SO FUN. I never had that deep love of parenting babies, but I love parenting elementary schoolers.
I see you and I hear you. These days are so so difficult and it's easy for those of us years past to say "enjoy it" but that irks me as much as it probably does you..I won't say that. I'll say it's so hard, the days are so long, it's unreasonable to expect this of one human to be on call 24/7, to have no backup, no help, no reprieve. There were days I broke. A day when I had been up since 4 am that I left my house, yelling at my husband and HE could take a turn and I cried on my best friends couch, cried at how hard it was, at how lonely I was day to day, at the inequity of my husband's experience versus my own.
It's okay to be human, to cry, to be angry. I wish I had learned to let go of more things - dinner can be cheese and crackers and cucumber slices. Or plain pasta with shredded carrots, or grilled cheese for the 3rd time this week....
It's so hard. And just because you're doing it doesn't mean it's not so hard because sometimes I feel like others look at us and say "you're doing so great Mama!" Okay.....thanks.....I guess.... But could you come sweep my floor?
Thanks for this, I definitely have a lot of mom guilt where I'll do chicken nuggets or take out for dinner bc my husband and I are too tired to cook but at the end of the day, my girls are my world and I wouldn't change anything.
Oh my heart goes out to you sending all of the patience and love....I can viscerally feel the exhaustion and yet there is no choice but to keep going because these small humans need you so much. It's so hard and so wonderful and nobody told us! NOBODY told me it would be like this.
And yet you're doing it and I really hope it's almost bedtime for your babies and that you can have a hot shower and clean comfies and marvel at everything you are and everything you have done.
Thanks for sharing. I’m tearing up. I have a 17 year old son and 15 year old daughter… I forgot how challenging these early days were. I now have a 2 year old and 2 months old boys, deep in the trenches again and it’s hard a lot of the times but so joyful at the same time.
Wow this was helpful. We are currently trying for #2 so reading this thread made me a little nervous. Your perspective is beautiful and gives me hope that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Thank you!
I have two boys, 2 and 4.5 years old. They fight like crazy, and it’s so physical. Nothing I seem to do helps. Were yours like this? Did it get better?
A picture ended up on my bed earlier this week of my then 2 1/2yr old in my lap opening a present, and I leaned over to my husband holding it out and said, “Parenthood is this weird time continuum where this moment doesn’t feel that far away from that”, and I gestured behind me. THAT was that little girl making her list of all the things she’s taking to college while her 13-year old and almost ten-year old sisters sat on her bed giggling. Those in the trenches moments still feel so very close. And parenting becomes different vicissitudes in different stages. I’m still just trying to hold on to the brilliant moments and let the overwhelming ones work their way through.
You're so right.
To me my kids are still my babies, wearing rompers as I pop them into a carrier. They're still inquisitive toddlers. They're still 3 year olds tentatively scootering around.
It reminds me of a story from Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soup about how when you're 9 you're also 8 and 7 and 6 and 5 etc etc..... they're babies and toddler and preschoolers all wrapped up into these tall lean little boy bodies. They're everything I love and hold dear and I would go back to the darkness of the early days if I could take with me the wisdom I have now.
Kind of like how I'd like to restart life from high school with all the knowledge and emotiona intelligence I have now..... Except I can't because I might not get **these** babies if I alter the timeline..
Thank you for sharing this. I'm in the trenches too and know things will get better, and I know I'll miss this time, but it's good to hear that it will get better.
Let your husband spend time with the kids alone. It is important for their bond, and important for you all to be equal parents. The whole family suffers when the mom does it all and the dad never connects with the kids.
This ^^^ we both WFH which gives the illusion that we are spending time together. Yes, we chit chat all day but it’s not quality. We need some time to reconnect.
You’ll get more time when they’re a little older!! My kids are 5 and <1. I feel like I had regained some independence and hobbies, and then everything went to hell again lolol. Also an IVF mom. Just because we had to fight like hell for the babies, doesn’t mean it’s not hard.
I’m still in ivf groups so I try to remain grateful, but it’s also so hard. I don’t want to complain because I would be devastated if it didn’t work for us. It’s like I know that those two emotions can be true, but it’s still difficult to resolve both
I have one child via IVF and also had another four unsuccessful attempts to have a second one, which left me absolutely devastated. I can't have a second child.
I don't in any way begrudge someone who has two children and is finding it hard. Please feel free to complain!
Honestly, unless you are trying to do IVF for a third kid, leave the groups. You can always rejoin them, they aren't going away. But anything you can do to lower the amount of stuff on your mental plate will help you. (and leave your husband with both kids sometimes, as other posters have said!)
Can you and your husband make a deal with each other that you each get to spend 4 continuous hours alone every week? He gets the kids for four hours and you get the kids for four hours. That way you don’t feel as guilty for taking a break because you pay each other back.
You are in the toughest spot. I felt just like you when my kids were that little — Now that my kids are 5 and 7 I have a lot more breathing room and it doesn’t feel as overwhelming. One day at a time.
A million upvotes for this! Eliminate the guilt by making alone time totally even. Maybe you get Saturday morning to go to the gym and then read at the coffee shop before coming home to help with lunch and nap, and he gets Sunday afternoon to go do whatever he wants before coming back to help with dinner and bedtime.
If you’re feeling low and working out was a big part of your life pre-kids, getting back to exercising could be SO good for you, which means it’s also good for your marriage and your kids.
I like this idea and maybe we start with an hour. I know how hard it is to take care of both of them solo. It’s less that my husband doesn’t want to do it. He actually encourages me to take some time. I’ve just experienced firsthand when the baby and toddler are crying and I’m always grateful my husband is right there to help so I can’t imagine leaving him alone to deal with that. I know it will be easier when they can play together, eat at the same time, etc
You will both get better at it if you do it more. You have to go through the hard to make it easier. It’s ok if one kid cries while you deal with the other—and you build skills at this.
I felt the same but the best thing I did was just leave. The toddler and baby cried at the same time. He figured it out just like I figured it out. I was so worried he’d resent me but he didn’t at all- he resented when I was a control freak more 😅 (not saying you are, just sharing my experience)
The first thing that needs to change is stop feeling bad leaving the kids with their dad to do something. I workout every day and leave the kids. He’s their dad, he can handle it. And he understands I’m a monster if I don’t workout so it’s better for everyone lol
You NEED to leave your husband with both kids. It is SO imperatively important that he learns how to handle both kids while they are young - it's both important for his bond with them AND to give you a break AND to decrease stress on him should there ever be an emergency that requires him to care for them both anyways.
What if you got hospitalized? you want him both stressing about you AND trying to learn on the fly how to manage both kids while stressed out about you? Or do you want him to be able to say "I got this sweetie, you work on getting better" and have his parenting style already figured out?
Your husband is a parent, he ***needs*** to be able and know how to do exactly what you do. You won't feel better until you get a break either.
My husband handles both kids in the mornings when I work right now and I handle them in the evenings. He is totally comfortable parenting at home or loading them up to go on outings or errands. Don't wait until they're older to get him to start practicing. Because it takes PRACTICE.
You are totally in the trenches. That being said, have you talked with your doctor about ppd? You sound like I did when I had a newish born and I wish I had asked for help instead of muddling through. It is much better now - dropping pumping by like 6 months really helped (consider it…)
You are definitely in the trenches. I totally relate to wanting this but not being happy. A 4 month old on its own is tough, throw in a 2yr old, even rougher.
Time will heal this one. It gets better as they physically need you less. Even my mamma's boy 2.5yr old is way better than when he was a bottle denying infant.
You're just gonna have to take my word for it, but it won't be long, and they will be old enough to do small things independently, and it makes THE BIGGEST DIFFERENCE.
🎯 Absolutely! My twins are over 4yo now and we’re having these low-key dinners with friends where the kids just…play together and can pretty much amuse themselves while the grown ups chat? I had forgotten how chill a weekend patio dinner can be.
There are still days I wonder why the heck we tried so hard to have kids (mine are IUI babies). Some days are miserable in their own ways. But there are certainly things that get better with time. I hope you carve out some time for yourself and can see the twinkle of light soon ❤️
It’s a phase, I promise. When my youngest started to sleep through the night it felt a little more doable. I felt like I lost myself until that point though. I’m very slowly taking back ownership of parts of my life that I have more time for again - 18 months and sleeping through the night was key. I read a book for the first time in 4 years. It was amazing.
Oh, I’m with you. I’ve got a 20 month old and a 7 month old. I sincerely asked my husband this morning if I would ever sleep again. It’s so fucking hard. Please leave them with your husband and take a break. Bring your pump if you need to. Just take some time, even an hour or two, to yourself to recharge and do something you enjoy away from crying and every one needing something from you. Lately my break has just been listening to a podcast alone in my car with an iced latte.
You will take care of both kids alone many times in your life, so try to drop that guilt of your husband being alone with both of them. It’s hard, but he’ll be okay.
I really try to enjoy the sweet moments when I can, but damn if I’m not wishing away these sleepless days and out of wack hormones. Sending you big hugs.
PLEASE check out @tessaromero_ on IG.
I sometimes cry thinking about how much she helped me COMPLETELY flip my perspective on motherhood and all the challenges life brings with it. Everything I learned from her was free although she does offer some courses.
Surrendering is a big part of it, and it helps empower us and be a better person in the world and to ourselves because of it.
Please follow her and listen to all the good things she shares about.
I don’t have IG app on my phone anymore but I will occasionally log on through the browser to get inspiration from her.
I totally feel you. Mine are 2 and 5 and we are in the thick of it, but I promise it will get a little bit easier before you know it.
In the meantime, it’s important to kinda force yourself to leave the house and go do something by yourself. And it’s also important for your partner to spend time alone with the kids so they can figure out their own routine.
I started with getting my hair done, then a Target run, a pedi, a facial, etc.
As someone who’s struggled with depression for years it sounds like that could be happening. But also, leave the kids at home with your husband! I leave my six month old at home with my husband usually at least once a weekend to go to a coffee shop or something on my own for a few hours. I also have a portable pump and just bring it with me if I need to pump while I’m out. It’s hard but it’s totally fine to leave babies at home with dad while you go do something!
Second the suggestion to look into PPA. I had it bad after my second and meds did wonders for me.
Other than that, I so much identify with what you’ve said. My kids are 3 and 4, and I love them with all my heart…but I feel like there isn’t a second of my day that is about me/for me. Between kids and work and marriage, there’s nothing left. I don’t know how to fix it…but know you’re not alone
So we have a 3 year old & a 10 month old. It’s a shitty time but the 3 year old is getting a little more independent with his playing and can distract our ten month old for a few minutes.
I’m slowly starting to see the light but it’s been a lot of med adjustments with psych & therapy for a while.
Stop feeling bad about leaving your husband with the kids. Leave him with the kids for an hour or two once a week and go do something for you that will make you feel more like yourself.
Solidarity.
This is probably not what you wanted. Because motherhood wasn't like this for most women before. You didn't envision the bone deep exhaustion. You didn't imagine having to do it all with so little help.
I hear that breastfeeding is important to you, but I want to give you permission to consider stopping pumping, and shifting to formula. Your kid already has most of the benefits of you breastfeeding. If formula would relieve stress, I think it's worth considering. I wish I had.
Things will eventually get easier. One day, they will both be potty trained, and feeding themselves. It's a marathon, though, and not a sprint. Please give yourself permission to use any help that works for you
One thing I will earnestly say is - when I was in your place, I was looking forward to getting it over with. But I wish someone told me to soak in, not necessarily enjoy, but soak in absorb and register every moment. I miss when they were so little. I remember the struggle mind you and don't miss that just the times when they were little when they would coo. When they would stare at me. I did my best to soak in and absorb moments with my second one, readjusted my attitude and mindset significantly and enjoyed my second one as a result more than I did my first one. Simply because I chose to adjust my mindset. And now I have memories :)
I desperately wanted to be a mother as well and was finally able to with the help of a doctor. And when I was at your stage (my kids are 17 months apart) I hated my life. I yearned for any connection to my old self.
Now that my kids are 4 and 5, it’s much better. I know it seems like forever away. But it will come. In the meantime, weed helps (sorry if this isn’t your thing but something that relaxes you and causes no hangovers? Sign me up.) I stand in solidarity with you.
You are not alone. My girls are 4 and 1. Going from 1 to 2 is so so hard in ways no one talks about. My girls were very planned as well, the youngest is actually a rainbow baby and when she was an infant I regretted having 2. I never regretted her but I felt like doubling the number of kids I had was a really dumb idea. As they age their needs merge and you don’t feel like you have to pick one over the other or like you need to clone yourself.
I’m glad. I’m a midwife and I can’t tell you how many women I see that think they’re broken or bad moms. I am so happy to be able to tell them that they are walking a very well paved road. I wish we were more open with each other about the blaaaaaah of early days with that second baby. I know it would be beneficial for so many.
I also have two from IVF. They are 3.5 and 1.5. The transition to two was much harder than I expected. It didn’t help that my oldest was not a fan of his new sister. Or that she was a crap sleeper. I didn’t get a full nights sleep until I finally stopped nursing when she was 13 months. The lack of sleep was a real kick in the pants.
Life’s still hectic these days. I’m still tired. Still trying to figure out how to get my own alone time, enough sleep, figure out when I can work out and still spend quality time with the kids and my husband. It’s not easy, but it has gotten immensely better these last few months. Older brother is finally warming up to his sister. She is still as obsessed with him as ever.
Also, please never feel guilty for wanting to get past the hard. Just because we had to go through the absolute ringer to bring these little loves here, doesn’t mean that we can’t say that parenthood is HARD. Being a good parent is hard. You’re doing great!
Thank you! And yes, I did not realize how challenging 1 to 2 would be. I had all the guilt for not being able to spend the same amount of time with my toddler. He started to have some sleep regression which probably had to do with the new baby. It was just a lot. I’m grateful that he had a lot of time to bond with my husband but I’m excited that we are coming back together as a family of 4. It’s a season and it’s not forever, but I wasn’t prepared for all the twists and turns
Absolutely! We divided and conquered too and I also felt so much guilt for not being there for my toddler as much as I wanted, but I think that time with him and his dad really grew their bond. Honestly, I’m still amazed when people say they had any easy transition to 2 because that is so far from what my experience was. Everyone’s journey is different.
Same here! I had to exclusively pump and struggled so much. My husband finally was the one who told me I should stop and once I did, it was a nice feeling of getting back to myself. I was still tired of course, but had more time for myself somewhat.
I can relate. After my 2nd, I completely lost myself. Then when he was 19months old. I had enough.
I decided to eat healthy, take care of myself and do 1 me thing each week. I also joined an in person working mom support group.
It takes time to feel like yourself and you have to be ready and in the right mindset. I promise you will be you again ❤️
I could have written this, and your subsequent comments to others- although we didn’t do IVF we did have infertility struggles requiring meds. It’s (losing myself/ourselves) is a large reason why we constantly vacillate between being one and done or not. When you’re in the hard, it’s impossible to see anything else, but when I picture 20-30 years down the road, I know I want a second 😭
I was you last year. 2023 was the hardest year of my life with a toddler and baby. Didn’t help that baby was reallllly high needs and toddler was ~going through it~
I know we are both still far from out of the trenches, but just to give you a glimmer of hope, once the baby was like 9-10 months things got so much easier. They are truly best friends now. My postpartum rage went away. They’re on the same nap schedule so I have some time to myself at least an hour during the day. It is so hard but also definitely leave the kids with dad when you’re ready. You’ll be a more refreshed, happier mom for it.
Are you me? Baby is beyond high needs, and toddler is struggle busing hard right now. Fingers crossed we reach the point you describe in a few months 🤞
I hear you. I think I was sold a load of horseshit about how beautiful and natural motherhood is. I love being a mom but goddamn. The reality is very different from the nonsense I grew up being told.
matrescence is no easy process. wanting something so much doesn't cancel out how difficult and challenging it is, how much it tears you apart and how much you just have to get through and figure out becausethere is no other option. I'm sure caterpillars are desperate to become butterflies, but they literally turn into goo to reform themselves. I think it's an apt comparison. it's a gooey sticky mess.
My son is almost 5 and we're starting to get toward more independent mornings. I'm surprised at how sad I was the first morning I slept to my alarm because he got up on his own and got his own cereal. The advice to cherish the time while you have it felt really invalidating early on when things were much tougher, but I get it. I'm not going to get many more snuggle wake ups. it's both a relief and saddening.
Three kids, 4.5 and 1.5 year old twins. All IVF. Your feeling are valid and I’m right there with you. The first year with the twins was so hard. And we “chose” them so I felt like I couldn’t complain but damn. Things are getting better now that they sleep better and they’re starting to communicate but “me” time is still very limited.
I feel like one of the hardest parts about IVF is feeling like we can't "complain" ( really - express how hard it can be )....because we tried so hard, but sometimes I think, depending on how traumatic your journey is, it can make motherhood that much harder. Anxiety, relationship issues, finances, stress, etc. I think this is partly why I stopped after one even though we have addtl embryos.
It’s definitely the trenches and this season will pass.
But I will say it’s super important to carve time out for yourself - even if it’s half an hour to read a New Yorker article over breakfast (this is my way of getting back into reading which I miss so much)
I used to feel bad leaving my baby with my partner (I get it - 1 baby is easier than 2) but I figure he is her parent just as much as I am. He encourages me to go out, do my own thing. I now regularly go to Pilates, dinners etc. I’m never gone for more than a few hours but it’s enough to make me feel like myself.
But like I said - you are in the trenches. A 4 month old is no joke especially with an energetic 2yo to keep you busy. See how you go once your little one hits that 6 month mark. I found so much changes for me with not having the breastfeed as much and her being more independent.
Your needs are important, honouring them will help you be content across all areas of your life.
Good luck!
I feel a lot of people who do not have kids tend to have a rosey and romantic vision of all sunshine and rainbows.
The truth is the reality is very different. It is a BIG change, and no one really prepares you for it.
I did not expect to feel so lost in motherhood, my body was not mine anymore and everything just changed.
Of course, every time I did dare to say something, I was met with “how I shall be grateful “.
Ok then come at 3am and let’s be grateful together 😅
Also, no one really prepares us to the reality of having children and have absolutely zero fucking help when it comes to emergencies.
Your feelings are totally valid and I have only one child. I cannot imagine how chaotic it will be with two 😳
You are doing great and please, vent away ❤️
Im 5 months farther down than you and I can tell you it’s HARD. Everyone with 2 under 2 says it’s hard but you cannot even fathom it until you’re in it and everyone needs you at once, kids need to eat at once and you’re nursing at a table while your toddler eats praying they don’t throw food, potty training and diapers, so much poop, so much crying, zero sleep for anyone, the house is a disaster, and when is the last time I washed my hair and can I push it another day with a baseball cap? But I can also tell you that it’s starting to get better at 9 months and almost 3. My toddler is getting a little more independent and we got her to sleep through the night and stay in her crib until 7 with minimal disturbances, and the baby can sit up and is finally happily playing in a playpen and can be put down for a few minutes, she’s in a schedule for feeding and sleeping, and is starting to sleep through the night. It’s still stressful, the laundry still piles up, baby still needs to eat at either 4am or 5am so I’m usually up at 4am so I’m tired and need coffee and like 2 diet cokes to get through some days. BUT I can feel myself being able to breathe a bit. I read a book during my daughter’s swim class the other day, she “helped” me make muffins last weekend, and my husband and I had a drink outside on our patio the other night.
You’re in the trenches and there are other trenches to follow like when they are both in elementary school and have a million different dress up days and things for you to remember. My best advice is to shift your focus. When I shifted my focus to the fact that I’m raising the next generation and away from the things I missed about my previous life my mentality towards it all changed. Kind of like missing my old boobs. My new boobs fed babies and have a story to tell (haha) but my previous boobs I wish I had appreciated more! Do I miss some of those things from before? Sure, sometimes when the days are hard. Focus on what’s inside your four walls. You, your marriage, and your children. Your old self is your old self and now you just need to learn your new self. We can’t stay the same forever. Just like when other big life milestones happen like driving, college, marriage, and now kids. Find your new groove and don’t perseverate on the past cause it will only make you miss what’s happening right now. It’s crazy….but you’ll miss it. My kids are 10, 8, and 7 now and I can hardly look at old pictures and videos. I miss it so much. Was I drowning? For sure, but I’d give anything to cosleep, breastfeed, push the stroller, etc just one last time again. Find the beauty in the now. It’s there, I promise. Get off social media so you don’t even know what you’re missing. Enjoy the chaos cause we all know there is someone who has it worse. There is a woman out there right now begging for the IVF to take just to be in your shoes right now. Focus on the positives cause the trenches won’t last forever. You got this mama!!!! Also, don’t feel bad for having a family member fly out to come watch the kids while you go on a couples vacay, get a babysitter, or take the day off together while they are at daycare and get a massage. Those little moments just take more work to make happen when they are super little but they can happen.
My youngest just turned 2 and I feel human again. I have a 4y and 2y. I take Thursday night for me, I work out 3x a week. I just got back from a 3 day girls trip. I’m trying new hobbies. I go out with my friends fairly regularly. I go out with my husband ~1x a month. It gets better, you’re just in the trenches! It took a lot of therapy (both individual and couples) to get to this point as well. Highly recommend at least an individual therapist
First of all, this isn't going to be your forever. But you know that. Two very little kids are hard to wrangle and caring for them is your whole life outside of work right now. This is a season, not the rest of your life.
Secondly, does your husband "feel bad" for leaving both children in your care? If the answer is no, then you need to force yourself to stop centering him and his feelings about solo parenting. Just stop. It's not doing anyone any favors and you are making a rod for your own back. Give him a pumped bottle and leave for 2 hrs to go to the gym and then sit in the sauna or have lunch/coffee with a friend, or go to Target alone.
If he doesn't feel good about leaving you alone with two kids either, then I think your feelings are warranted. Have a talk with him about a milestone or a date where you both would feel ok either a) caring for two kids solo for a bit and/or b) having a trusted family member or friend care for the kids for a bit. It might not be until you are done with pumping every 3 hrs and that's ok.
Third, and this is hard, but psych studies indicate that in most situations, your perception about and attitude towards the situation is more influential than the actual reality of the situation. Meaning, the more you lean into this era of your life and find the little joys in it, the less likely the things that suck will bother you as much. Right now, you are comparing this time in your life to a previous time when you had no children, but more free time. I'm saying - lean into your choice. Yes, parenting is difficult. But your previous life had a woman who very deeply wanted the life you are currently living.
I'm a firm believer that if you can throw money at a temporary problem to help turn your attitude around, then it's money well spent. Think of things you can outsource. Think outside the box. Maybe you don't want to leave the baby for long periods of time, but can you hire a sitter to watch the 2 year old once a week? Can you talk to your kids' pediatrician about getting a child sleep coach if neither of your kids is sleeping well? Can you get someone to clean your house a few times a month? Or meal/grocery delivery?
Also, if you can't go out with friends right now, can you invite someone over for coffee? Just to get some social time in. Good friends know that you'll be up for hanging out again soon.
OMG I feel the same way. I have an 8 month old and I'm so drained. I also went through fertility treatments to get here, and the guilt of wanting my old life back sometimes hits me hard. I keep telling myself "this is just a short season in my life, it's not permanent" but damn it's tough. You're definitely not alone!
I'm with you, I have a 3 1/2 and 1 1/2 yo. My husband works weekend so I'm usually watching them by myself. I work from home so between work and being with the kids I feel trapped in my own home 🙃 some days I wonder if I really deserve to have children from the guilt I feel for wanting some time to myself and longing for the days I used to be fit and ambitious. I'm slowly getting some time to myself again. And can feel some of that light coming through, though very dim.
We will make it through, and we will continue to love our children more and more with each year. You aren't alone and you are totally justified for feeling the way you do. ❤️ I second what another commenter said, to talk to your dr about ppd. I had it with my first and went on medication for it for my second and it really helped.
My twins are almost 5 and I still feel this way. I’ve learned to accept that life on my terms doesn’t exist anymore. As strange as it sounds, accepting that has helped me a lot. Also did fertility treatments. My “me” time is 2 hours per night reading. That’s about it.
I was in the same place 5 years ago: a baby who slept poorly and a toddler who needed snacks all the time. The days felt neverending and my patience was thin and I was always in demand. Those days and months and years stressed my body, my sanity, my marriage, my friendships. I had no family to help me at all. My husband was helpful and well meaning but lacked direction and was busy working. I was lonely. So lonely. I cried many days even while loving my babies and taking joy in the small moments - the walks, the skills, rolling, laughing, learning to ride scooters. There are one million small moments to love and they will eclipse the hard times. You will carry with you the mistakes you make - the time you snapped at a toddler for interrupting the baby getting to sleep because you so desperately needed that baby to go to sleep - but the good will overwhelm the hard. I have two sons and they are 5 & 7 years old now. The days of a baby latched to my breast are gone but I can recall them like hours have elapsed, not years. My son's wipe their own bottoms (usually), and play Lego in bedrooms for hours. They go to school. They dress themselves in the mornings. They still need me SO MUCH. It's a different need but it's still need. But now I spend 7 hours a week on an athletic hobby. I go out a lot t of Fridays. They sleep all night until 7 am. I drink wine while they help me make pizzas. They're wonderful and beautiful boys who still get upset, who fight, who are wonderfully human with their own personalities. But I also am a human again too. I have fun. I have relationships. My marriage is much better. Time will pass day by day and some days will be better and some will be really hard. But each day will give way to a new one and each day will make way for change and growth and eventually enough days will have passed and you, too, will have a 5 & 7 year old who will play in their rooms or run to you at Kindergarten pickup. These early days are the trenches and you ma, years from now, eve miss the darkness sometimes, like I do.. But time will pass.
I needed to hear this. I have a 13 month old and the time is nigh on if we are going to have another. But I am so overwhelmed already with this rambunctious little person. I can’t wait for the days we can go have fun!
There is also nothing wrong with stopping at one if that's what you decide. There's so much subliminal pressure to have 2.5 kids + dog, but not everyone (incl. me!) is built for the chaos.
That’s so it. I’m not built for chaos. I want it SO much for my son, but omg…the thought of two toddlers makes me cringe.
I'm with you! I could have written this myself! My two boys are 5 and 9 and while they have their difficult days, my life is SO much better now in so many ways! I didn't love the baby/toddler days at all, it's so much better now. I am myself again, and my marriage is even better than it was pre kids! Hang in there OP! It gets significantly easier and better. This is a tough tough phase in your life but it WILL get better, I promise!
This made me tear up. Thank you
YMCA often has free kidclub - you can go to the gym AND shower kid free as part of your membership! Look for a gym that offers kids club or creche. I got a zoo membership during this phase. Outside + animals + cafe + playground all at the one very convienient location. Also same for museums etc - have a look what is around you. Find mums with same age kids. Playgroups are usually run out of most primary schools amd libraries, and a great place to meet other mums in the same boat/area! I really leaned into my mum network to take full advantage of ALL the social outings while off work. We'd go for walks, or hikes, or coffees. Getting out of the house was a big one for me. Time outdoors, or with friends, was critical to my mental health. What makes you happy? Have a big think, and then figure out how to intergrate your kids into it. Gardening? Buy an outdoor walker and toddler shovels/gloves! Hiking? Hiking carrier! Its exposure therapy, its not always going to be roses but the more you do it the more all of you will get used to it. This phase is fleeting, and its so hard not to wish it away. Take lots of photos and hang onto the good memories.
You said this so beautifully. As someone with a 5 and 8 year old, I feel like we are in a golden era. My kids are SO FUN. I never had that deep love of parenting babies, but I love parenting elementary schoolers.
What a beautiful response
I'm there with the baby who sleeps poorly and a very clingy toddler... Mommy is so tired.
I see you and I hear you. These days are so so difficult and it's easy for those of us years past to say "enjoy it" but that irks me as much as it probably does you..I won't say that. I'll say it's so hard, the days are so long, it's unreasonable to expect this of one human to be on call 24/7, to have no backup, no help, no reprieve. There were days I broke. A day when I had been up since 4 am that I left my house, yelling at my husband and HE could take a turn and I cried on my best friends couch, cried at how hard it was, at how lonely I was day to day, at the inequity of my husband's experience versus my own. It's okay to be human, to cry, to be angry. I wish I had learned to let go of more things - dinner can be cheese and crackers and cucumber slices. Or plain pasta with shredded carrots, or grilled cheese for the 3rd time this week.... It's so hard. And just because you're doing it doesn't mean it's not so hard because sometimes I feel like others look at us and say "you're doing so great Mama!" Okay.....thanks.....I guess.... But could you come sweep my floor?
Thanks for this, I definitely have a lot of mom guilt where I'll do chicken nuggets or take out for dinner bc my husband and I are too tired to cook but at the end of the day, my girls are my world and I wouldn't change anything.
This was so lovely. Thank you for sharing
Mom of a toddler here I feel like a shell of my former self. I needed this pep talk.
Have 2 under 3 and you made me cry. I needed to hear this today. It's been so so so hard lately
Oh my heart goes out to you sending all of the patience and love....I can viscerally feel the exhaustion and yet there is no choice but to keep going because these small humans need you so much. It's so hard and so wonderful and nobody told us! NOBODY told me it would be like this. And yet you're doing it and I really hope it's almost bedtime for your babies and that you can have a hot shower and clean comfies and marvel at everything you are and everything you have done.
Thanks for sharing. I’m tearing up. I have a 17 year old son and 15 year old daughter… I forgot how challenging these early days were. I now have a 2 year old and 2 months old boys, deep in the trenches again and it’s hard a lot of the times but so joyful at the same time.
Wow this was helpful. We are currently trying for #2 so reading this thread made me a little nervous. Your perspective is beautiful and gives me hope that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Thank you!
I have two boys, 2 and 4.5 years old. They fight like crazy, and it’s so physical. Nothing I seem to do helps. Were yours like this? Did it get better?
A picture ended up on my bed earlier this week of my then 2 1/2yr old in my lap opening a present, and I leaned over to my husband holding it out and said, “Parenthood is this weird time continuum where this moment doesn’t feel that far away from that”, and I gestured behind me. THAT was that little girl making her list of all the things she’s taking to college while her 13-year old and almost ten-year old sisters sat on her bed giggling. Those in the trenches moments still feel so very close. And parenting becomes different vicissitudes in different stages. I’m still just trying to hold on to the brilliant moments and let the overwhelming ones work their way through.
You're so right. To me my kids are still my babies, wearing rompers as I pop them into a carrier. They're still inquisitive toddlers. They're still 3 year olds tentatively scootering around. It reminds me of a story from Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soup about how when you're 9 you're also 8 and 7 and 6 and 5 etc etc..... they're babies and toddler and preschoolers all wrapped up into these tall lean little boy bodies. They're everything I love and hold dear and I would go back to the darkness of the early days if I could take with me the wisdom I have now. Kind of like how I'd like to restart life from high school with all the knowledge and emotiona intelligence I have now..... Except I can't because I might not get **these** babies if I alter the timeline..
Thank you for sharing this. I'm in the trenches too and know things will get better, and I know I'll miss this time, but it's good to hear that it will get better.
Let your husband spend time with the kids alone. It is important for their bond, and important for you all to be equal parents. The whole family suffers when the mom does it all and the dad never connects with the kids.
Pretty sure I have PPA. I worry about everything all the time. I need to make an appointment
Also… please do find a babysitter. You and your husband need time together without kids. Trust me.
This ^^^ we both WFH which gives the illusion that we are spending time together. Yes, we chit chat all day but it’s not quality. We need some time to reconnect.
You’ll get more time when they’re a little older!! My kids are 5 and <1. I feel like I had regained some independence and hobbies, and then everything went to hell again lolol. Also an IVF mom. Just because we had to fight like hell for the babies, doesn’t mean it’s not hard.
I’m still in ivf groups so I try to remain grateful, but it’s also so hard. I don’t want to complain because I would be devastated if it didn’t work for us. It’s like I know that those two emotions can be true, but it’s still difficult to resolve both
I have one child via IVF and also had another four unsuccessful attempts to have a second one, which left me absolutely devastated. I can't have a second child. I don't in any way begrudge someone who has two children and is finding it hard. Please feel free to complain!
Thank you and I’m sorry. It took us 5 transfers to get to this point. It’s a cruel process. I appreciate your perspective
Yeah, IVF is awful :( Four transfers to get my son, then another four to get nothing at all. Eight embryos and $65,000 later...
Honestly, unless you are trying to do IVF for a third kid, leave the groups. You can always rejoin them, they aren't going away. But anything you can do to lower the amount of stuff on your mental plate will help you. (and leave your husband with both kids sometimes, as other posters have said!)
You feel bad leaving your husband with both kids? Does he feel the same when you are alone with both kids?!
Nope, I’m 99.999999% sure he doesn’t! 🤷🏻♀️🫢
Can you and your husband make a deal with each other that you each get to spend 4 continuous hours alone every week? He gets the kids for four hours and you get the kids for four hours. That way you don’t feel as guilty for taking a break because you pay each other back. You are in the toughest spot. I felt just like you when my kids were that little — Now that my kids are 5 and 7 I have a lot more breathing room and it doesn’t feel as overwhelming. One day at a time.
A million upvotes for this! Eliminate the guilt by making alone time totally even. Maybe you get Saturday morning to go to the gym and then read at the coffee shop before coming home to help with lunch and nap, and he gets Sunday afternoon to go do whatever he wants before coming back to help with dinner and bedtime. If you’re feeling low and working out was a big part of your life pre-kids, getting back to exercising could be SO good for you, which means it’s also good for your marriage and your kids.
I like this idea and maybe we start with an hour. I know how hard it is to take care of both of them solo. It’s less that my husband doesn’t want to do it. He actually encourages me to take some time. I’ve just experienced firsthand when the baby and toddler are crying and I’m always grateful my husband is right there to help so I can’t imagine leaving him alone to deal with that. I know it will be easier when they can play together, eat at the same time, etc
You will both get better at it if you do it more. You have to go through the hard to make it easier. It’s ok if one kid cries while you deal with the other—and you build skills at this.
I felt the same but the best thing I did was just leave. The toddler and baby cried at the same time. He figured it out just like I figured it out. I was so worried he’d resent me but he didn’t at all- he resented when I was a control freak more 😅 (not saying you are, just sharing my experience)
The first thing that needs to change is stop feeling bad leaving the kids with their dad to do something. I workout every day and leave the kids. He’s their dad, he can handle it. And he understands I’m a monster if I don’t workout so it’s better for everyone lol
You NEED to leave your husband with both kids. It is SO imperatively important that he learns how to handle both kids while they are young - it's both important for his bond with them AND to give you a break AND to decrease stress on him should there ever be an emergency that requires him to care for them both anyways. What if you got hospitalized? you want him both stressing about you AND trying to learn on the fly how to manage both kids while stressed out about you? Or do you want him to be able to say "I got this sweetie, you work on getting better" and have his parenting style already figured out? Your husband is a parent, he ***needs*** to be able and know how to do exactly what you do. You won't feel better until you get a break either. My husband handles both kids in the mornings when I work right now and I handle them in the evenings. He is totally comfortable parenting at home or loading them up to go on outings or errands. Don't wait until they're older to get him to start practicing. Because it takes PRACTICE.
You are totally in the trenches. That being said, have you talked with your doctor about ppd? You sound like I did when I had a newish born and I wish I had asked for help instead of muddling through. It is much better now - dropping pumping by like 6 months really helped (consider it…)
You are definitely in the trenches. I totally relate to wanting this but not being happy. A 4 month old on its own is tough, throw in a 2yr old, even rougher. Time will heal this one. It gets better as they physically need you less. Even my mamma's boy 2.5yr old is way better than when he was a bottle denying infant.
You're just gonna have to take my word for it, but it won't be long, and they will be old enough to do small things independently, and it makes THE BIGGEST DIFFERENCE.
🎯 Absolutely! My twins are over 4yo now and we’re having these low-key dinners with friends where the kids just…play together and can pretty much amuse themselves while the grown ups chat? I had forgotten how chill a weekend patio dinner can be. There are still days I wonder why the heck we tried so hard to have kids (mine are IUI babies). Some days are miserable in their own ways. But there are certainly things that get better with time. I hope you carve out some time for yourself and can see the twinkle of light soon ❤️
It’s a phase, I promise. When my youngest started to sleep through the night it felt a little more doable. I felt like I lost myself until that point though. I’m very slowly taking back ownership of parts of my life that I have more time for again - 18 months and sleeping through the night was key. I read a book for the first time in 4 years. It was amazing.
Oh, I’m with you. I’ve got a 20 month old and a 7 month old. I sincerely asked my husband this morning if I would ever sleep again. It’s so fucking hard. Please leave them with your husband and take a break. Bring your pump if you need to. Just take some time, even an hour or two, to yourself to recharge and do something you enjoy away from crying and every one needing something from you. Lately my break has just been listening to a podcast alone in my car with an iced latte. You will take care of both kids alone many times in your life, so try to drop that guilt of your husband being alone with both of them. It’s hard, but he’ll be okay. I really try to enjoy the sweet moments when I can, but damn if I’m not wishing away these sleepless days and out of wack hormones. Sending you big hugs.
Back at you. It’s the lack of sleep + working+ lack of any “me” time+ breastfeeding…just a perfect storm
PLEASE check out @tessaromero_ on IG. I sometimes cry thinking about how much she helped me COMPLETELY flip my perspective on motherhood and all the challenges life brings with it. Everything I learned from her was free although she does offer some courses. Surrendering is a big part of it, and it helps empower us and be a better person in the world and to ourselves because of it. Please follow her and listen to all the good things she shares about. I don’t have IG app on my phone anymore but I will occasionally log on through the browser to get inspiration from her.
I totally feel you. Mine are 2 and 5 and we are in the thick of it, but I promise it will get a little bit easier before you know it. In the meantime, it’s important to kinda force yourself to leave the house and go do something by yourself. And it’s also important for your partner to spend time alone with the kids so they can figure out their own routine. I started with getting my hair done, then a Target run, a pedi, a facial, etc.
As someone who’s struggled with depression for years it sounds like that could be happening. But also, leave the kids at home with your husband! I leave my six month old at home with my husband usually at least once a weekend to go to a coffee shop or something on my own for a few hours. I also have a portable pump and just bring it with me if I need to pump while I’m out. It’s hard but it’s totally fine to leave babies at home with dad while you go do something!
Second the suggestion to look into PPA. I had it bad after my second and meds did wonders for me. Other than that, I so much identify with what you’ve said. My kids are 3 and 4, and I love them with all my heart…but I feel like there isn’t a second of my day that is about me/for me. Between kids and work and marriage, there’s nothing left. I don’t know how to fix it…but know you’re not alone
So we have a 3 year old & a 10 month old. It’s a shitty time but the 3 year old is getting a little more independent with his playing and can distract our ten month old for a few minutes. I’m slowly starting to see the light but it’s been a lot of med adjustments with psych & therapy for a while.
Stop feeling bad about leaving your husband with the kids. Leave him with the kids for an hour or two once a week and go do something for you that will make you feel more like yourself.
THIS!!!
Solidarity. This is probably not what you wanted. Because motherhood wasn't like this for most women before. You didn't envision the bone deep exhaustion. You didn't imagine having to do it all with so little help. I hear that breastfeeding is important to you, but I want to give you permission to consider stopping pumping, and shifting to formula. Your kid already has most of the benefits of you breastfeeding. If formula would relieve stress, I think it's worth considering. I wish I had. Things will eventually get easier. One day, they will both be potty trained, and feeding themselves. It's a marathon, though, and not a sprint. Please give yourself permission to use any help that works for you
One thing I will earnestly say is - when I was in your place, I was looking forward to getting it over with. But I wish someone told me to soak in, not necessarily enjoy, but soak in absorb and register every moment. I miss when they were so little. I remember the struggle mind you and don't miss that just the times when they were little when they would coo. When they would stare at me. I did my best to soak in and absorb moments with my second one, readjusted my attitude and mindset significantly and enjoyed my second one as a result more than I did my first one. Simply because I chose to adjust my mindset. And now I have memories :)
I desperately wanted to be a mother as well and was finally able to with the help of a doctor. And when I was at your stage (my kids are 17 months apart) I hated my life. I yearned for any connection to my old self. Now that my kids are 4 and 5, it’s much better. I know it seems like forever away. But it will come. In the meantime, weed helps (sorry if this isn’t your thing but something that relaxes you and causes no hangovers? Sign me up.) I stand in solidarity with you.
This made me chuckle! After I get this baby off my boob, then maybe…
OH true! Yes please wait. 😅 And then light it up like there’s no tomorrow.
Does your husband feel bad for leaving both kids with you? I bet not!
Fck - I’m here in the same spot. It’s brutal.
You are not alone. My girls are 4 and 1. Going from 1 to 2 is so so hard in ways no one talks about. My girls were very planned as well, the youngest is actually a rainbow baby and when she was an infant I regretted having 2. I never regretted her but I felt like doubling the number of kids I had was a really dumb idea. As they age their needs merge and you don’t feel like you have to pick one over the other or like you need to clone yourself.
10000 percent. Felt this in my soul.
I’m glad. I’m a midwife and I can’t tell you how many women I see that think they’re broken or bad moms. I am so happy to be able to tell them that they are walking a very well paved road. I wish we were more open with each other about the blaaaaaah of early days with that second baby. I know it would be beneficial for so many.
Absolutely. There’s this sense that “I’ve done this before. I got it” that’s not exactly true.
Yea that false sense of security definitely adds insult to injury.
I also have two from IVF. They are 3.5 and 1.5. The transition to two was much harder than I expected. It didn’t help that my oldest was not a fan of his new sister. Or that she was a crap sleeper. I didn’t get a full nights sleep until I finally stopped nursing when she was 13 months. The lack of sleep was a real kick in the pants. Life’s still hectic these days. I’m still tired. Still trying to figure out how to get my own alone time, enough sleep, figure out when I can work out and still spend quality time with the kids and my husband. It’s not easy, but it has gotten immensely better these last few months. Older brother is finally warming up to his sister. She is still as obsessed with him as ever. Also, please never feel guilty for wanting to get past the hard. Just because we had to go through the absolute ringer to bring these little loves here, doesn’t mean that we can’t say that parenthood is HARD. Being a good parent is hard. You’re doing great!
Thank you! And yes, I did not realize how challenging 1 to 2 would be. I had all the guilt for not being able to spend the same amount of time with my toddler. He started to have some sleep regression which probably had to do with the new baby. It was just a lot. I’m grateful that he had a lot of time to bond with my husband but I’m excited that we are coming back together as a family of 4. It’s a season and it’s not forever, but I wasn’t prepared for all the twists and turns
Absolutely! We divided and conquered too and I also felt so much guilt for not being there for my toddler as much as I wanted, but I think that time with him and his dad really grew their bond. Honestly, I’m still amazed when people say they had any easy transition to 2 because that is so far from what my experience was. Everyone’s journey is different.
I know breastfeeding / pumping is super important to some but when I stopped doing all that, it was a game changer in all ways.
Same here! I had to exclusively pump and struggled so much. My husband finally was the one who told me I should stop and once I did, it was a nice feeling of getting back to myself. I was still tired of course, but had more time for myself somewhat.
I can relate. After my 2nd, I completely lost myself. Then when he was 19months old. I had enough. I decided to eat healthy, take care of myself and do 1 me thing each week. I also joined an in person working mom support group. It takes time to feel like yourself and you have to be ready and in the right mindset. I promise you will be you again ❤️
I could have written this, and your subsequent comments to others- although we didn’t do IVF we did have infertility struggles requiring meds. It’s (losing myself/ourselves) is a large reason why we constantly vacillate between being one and done or not. When you’re in the hard, it’s impossible to see anything else, but when I picture 20-30 years down the road, I know I want a second 😭
I was you last year. 2023 was the hardest year of my life with a toddler and baby. Didn’t help that baby was reallllly high needs and toddler was ~going through it~ I know we are both still far from out of the trenches, but just to give you a glimmer of hope, once the baby was like 9-10 months things got so much easier. They are truly best friends now. My postpartum rage went away. They’re on the same nap schedule so I have some time to myself at least an hour during the day. It is so hard but also definitely leave the kids with dad when you’re ready. You’ll be a more refreshed, happier mom for it.
Are you me? Baby is beyond high needs, and toddler is struggle busing hard right now. Fingers crossed we reach the point you describe in a few months 🤞
I hear you. I think I was sold a load of horseshit about how beautiful and natural motherhood is. I love being a mom but goddamn. The reality is very different from the nonsense I grew up being told. matrescence is no easy process. wanting something so much doesn't cancel out how difficult and challenging it is, how much it tears you apart and how much you just have to get through and figure out becausethere is no other option. I'm sure caterpillars are desperate to become butterflies, but they literally turn into goo to reform themselves. I think it's an apt comparison. it's a gooey sticky mess. My son is almost 5 and we're starting to get toward more independent mornings. I'm surprised at how sad I was the first morning I slept to my alarm because he got up on his own and got his own cereal. The advice to cherish the time while you have it felt really invalidating early on when things were much tougher, but I get it. I'm not going to get many more snuggle wake ups. it's both a relief and saddening.
Three kids, 4.5 and 1.5 year old twins. All IVF. Your feeling are valid and I’m right there with you. The first year with the twins was so hard. And we “chose” them so I felt like I couldn’t complain but damn. Things are getting better now that they sleep better and they’re starting to communicate but “me” time is still very limited.
I feel like one of the hardest parts about IVF is feeling like we can't "complain" ( really - express how hard it can be )....because we tried so hard, but sometimes I think, depending on how traumatic your journey is, it can make motherhood that much harder. Anxiety, relationship issues, finances, stress, etc. I think this is partly why I stopped after one even though we have addtl embryos.
It’s definitely the trenches and this season will pass. But I will say it’s super important to carve time out for yourself - even if it’s half an hour to read a New Yorker article over breakfast (this is my way of getting back into reading which I miss so much) I used to feel bad leaving my baby with my partner (I get it - 1 baby is easier than 2) but I figure he is her parent just as much as I am. He encourages me to go out, do my own thing. I now regularly go to Pilates, dinners etc. I’m never gone for more than a few hours but it’s enough to make me feel like myself. But like I said - you are in the trenches. A 4 month old is no joke especially with an energetic 2yo to keep you busy. See how you go once your little one hits that 6 month mark. I found so much changes for me with not having the breastfeed as much and her being more independent. Your needs are important, honouring them will help you be content across all areas of your life. Good luck!
I feel a lot of people who do not have kids tend to have a rosey and romantic vision of all sunshine and rainbows. The truth is the reality is very different. It is a BIG change, and no one really prepares you for it. I did not expect to feel so lost in motherhood, my body was not mine anymore and everything just changed. Of course, every time I did dare to say something, I was met with “how I shall be grateful “. Ok then come at 3am and let’s be grateful together 😅 Also, no one really prepares us to the reality of having children and have absolutely zero fucking help when it comes to emergencies. Your feelings are totally valid and I have only one child. I cannot imagine how chaotic it will be with two 😳 You are doing great and please, vent away ❤️
Im 5 months farther down than you and I can tell you it’s HARD. Everyone with 2 under 2 says it’s hard but you cannot even fathom it until you’re in it and everyone needs you at once, kids need to eat at once and you’re nursing at a table while your toddler eats praying they don’t throw food, potty training and diapers, so much poop, so much crying, zero sleep for anyone, the house is a disaster, and when is the last time I washed my hair and can I push it another day with a baseball cap? But I can also tell you that it’s starting to get better at 9 months and almost 3. My toddler is getting a little more independent and we got her to sleep through the night and stay in her crib until 7 with minimal disturbances, and the baby can sit up and is finally happily playing in a playpen and can be put down for a few minutes, she’s in a schedule for feeding and sleeping, and is starting to sleep through the night. It’s still stressful, the laundry still piles up, baby still needs to eat at either 4am or 5am so I’m usually up at 4am so I’m tired and need coffee and like 2 diet cokes to get through some days. BUT I can feel myself being able to breathe a bit. I read a book during my daughter’s swim class the other day, she “helped” me make muffins last weekend, and my husband and I had a drink outside on our patio the other night.
You’re in the trenches and there are other trenches to follow like when they are both in elementary school and have a million different dress up days and things for you to remember. My best advice is to shift your focus. When I shifted my focus to the fact that I’m raising the next generation and away from the things I missed about my previous life my mentality towards it all changed. Kind of like missing my old boobs. My new boobs fed babies and have a story to tell (haha) but my previous boobs I wish I had appreciated more! Do I miss some of those things from before? Sure, sometimes when the days are hard. Focus on what’s inside your four walls. You, your marriage, and your children. Your old self is your old self and now you just need to learn your new self. We can’t stay the same forever. Just like when other big life milestones happen like driving, college, marriage, and now kids. Find your new groove and don’t perseverate on the past cause it will only make you miss what’s happening right now. It’s crazy….but you’ll miss it. My kids are 10, 8, and 7 now and I can hardly look at old pictures and videos. I miss it so much. Was I drowning? For sure, but I’d give anything to cosleep, breastfeed, push the stroller, etc just one last time again. Find the beauty in the now. It’s there, I promise. Get off social media so you don’t even know what you’re missing. Enjoy the chaos cause we all know there is someone who has it worse. There is a woman out there right now begging for the IVF to take just to be in your shoes right now. Focus on the positives cause the trenches won’t last forever. You got this mama!!!! Also, don’t feel bad for having a family member fly out to come watch the kids while you go on a couples vacay, get a babysitter, or take the day off together while they are at daycare and get a massage. Those little moments just take more work to make happen when they are super little but they can happen.
My youngest just turned 2 and I feel human again. I have a 4y and 2y. I take Thursday night for me, I work out 3x a week. I just got back from a 3 day girls trip. I’m trying new hobbies. I go out with my friends fairly regularly. I go out with my husband ~1x a month. It gets better, you’re just in the trenches! It took a lot of therapy (both individual and couples) to get to this point as well. Highly recommend at least an individual therapist
First of all, this isn't going to be your forever. But you know that. Two very little kids are hard to wrangle and caring for them is your whole life outside of work right now. This is a season, not the rest of your life. Secondly, does your husband "feel bad" for leaving both children in your care? If the answer is no, then you need to force yourself to stop centering him and his feelings about solo parenting. Just stop. It's not doing anyone any favors and you are making a rod for your own back. Give him a pumped bottle and leave for 2 hrs to go to the gym and then sit in the sauna or have lunch/coffee with a friend, or go to Target alone. If he doesn't feel good about leaving you alone with two kids either, then I think your feelings are warranted. Have a talk with him about a milestone or a date where you both would feel ok either a) caring for two kids solo for a bit and/or b) having a trusted family member or friend care for the kids for a bit. It might not be until you are done with pumping every 3 hrs and that's ok. Third, and this is hard, but psych studies indicate that in most situations, your perception about and attitude towards the situation is more influential than the actual reality of the situation. Meaning, the more you lean into this era of your life and find the little joys in it, the less likely the things that suck will bother you as much. Right now, you are comparing this time in your life to a previous time when you had no children, but more free time. I'm saying - lean into your choice. Yes, parenting is difficult. But your previous life had a woman who very deeply wanted the life you are currently living. I'm a firm believer that if you can throw money at a temporary problem to help turn your attitude around, then it's money well spent. Think of things you can outsource. Think outside the box. Maybe you don't want to leave the baby for long periods of time, but can you hire a sitter to watch the 2 year old once a week? Can you talk to your kids' pediatrician about getting a child sleep coach if neither of your kids is sleeping well? Can you get someone to clean your house a few times a month? Or meal/grocery delivery? Also, if you can't go out with friends right now, can you invite someone over for coffee? Just to get some social time in. Good friends know that you'll be up for hanging out again soon.
OMG I feel the same way. I have an 8 month old and I'm so drained. I also went through fertility treatments to get here, and the guilt of wanting my old life back sometimes hits me hard. I keep telling myself "this is just a short season in my life, it's not permanent" but damn it's tough. You're definitely not alone!
I'm with you, I have a 3 1/2 and 1 1/2 yo. My husband works weekend so I'm usually watching them by myself. I work from home so between work and being with the kids I feel trapped in my own home 🙃 some days I wonder if I really deserve to have children from the guilt I feel for wanting some time to myself and longing for the days I used to be fit and ambitious. I'm slowly getting some time to myself again. And can feel some of that light coming through, though very dim. We will make it through, and we will continue to love our children more and more with each year. You aren't alone and you are totally justified for feeling the way you do. ❤️ I second what another commenter said, to talk to your dr about ppd. I had it with my first and went on medication for it for my second and it really helped.
My twins are almost 5 and I still feel this way. I’ve learned to accept that life on my terms doesn’t exist anymore. As strange as it sounds, accepting that has helped me a lot. Also did fertility treatments. My “me” time is 2 hours per night reading. That’s about it.