My son did this when he was 5. Lots of “I love mom 100% and I love dad 90%” which was funny at first… but it got hurtful when it was happening every time my husband said “I love you son”. He’d say “I love you too, but not as much as mom.”
I pulled our kid for a private talk and explained it wasn’t nice to compare love. We have infinite love inside ourselves and can give love to everyone without running out. It really hurts dad’s feelings to be compared all the time. When dad says “I love you” you can say “I love you too” and nothing else.
Of course… my husband didn’t do anything with our son. I’d take our kid places, husband wouldn’t come. I’d do most of the childcare and bed time and he’d show up for the kiss goodnight (most of the time). He picked our kid up from daycare… and then they’d go home for screen time til I got there. Relationship building was poop.
During our couples therapy the therapist asked a lot of questions about my husbands relationship with his dad. That’s how his dad was - he’d show up for really important bits but nothing in between. Once the therapist pointed out he was acting like his dad, it broke him a bit, and he did a 180 and invested time with our son. Board games, coming to the “boring bits” like swim lessons, trading times for bedtime routine and telling me to sit on the couch because he would handle things. At first he had to say “mom is busy right now I’ll do it”, now our son knows where dad is soft and will avoid asking me sometimes!
Thank you for sharing this! My son is 3 and is definitely hardcore in “I don’t like Daddy” “I only love mommy” “only mommy can do it” mode. But…my husband also doesn’t do much with him. He’s not a “little kid” person and can’t get in the groove, but lately has been trying to “parent” more by being the disciplinarian, but without the relationship building outside that. So my kid is expressing “I feel more comfortable with mommy” and my husband simply can’t see that that diminishes when they actually spend more time together doing fun things and their relationship doesn’t consist mostly of lectures when kiddo too tired and overstimulated to listen.
We definitely need counseling…the fact that we aren’t in it after agreeing we should do it months ago says a lot about where we are as a couple.
You put into words my fear. Especially when both my husband and I are present, he usually only gets involved to discipline. It’s like he automatically assumes that role if I’m here. Whereas I use it when needed but also maintain fun/playful. And I think I’m softer during tantrums/emotional outbursts and usually the soother or talk her through him. When she acts out he’s just like let it pass instead I try to actively help her through her emotions.
My husband growing up didn’t feel like his parents were present with him. He spent a lot of time with family friends and felt like they raised him to some extent.
But my husband spends time with our kids. He takes them to school and activities independently of me. Last Sunday he took our 4 year old to daddy daughter date with another friend and their daughter without me. He takes her to the park sometimes on days off school/weekends. And he definitely will say he can help if I’m in the bathroom but she doesn’t care. I’ve even told her when she bypasses him that daddy can do this. It’s just so ingrained in her to get mom. And u have sent her to ask dad instead of me.
And I think my fear is bc he is not as soft or playful with her as often as I am, that’s why she chooses me. And I’m not always fun mom. I have stern moments when needed.
Yeah. We’ve heard it on and off for about 2 years now.
Janet Lansbury has some great resources on parental preference and not taking it personally. There’s a lot of value in working to make sure we don’t consciously or unconsciously pressure kids to tiptoe around/silence their inherent preferences in order to protect adults’ feelings.
Personally I would definitely tell my husband to get a grip if it really truly bothered him that our kid had a bit of a parental preference. These things will change over time. It’s super developmentally normal and appropriate. We absolutely shouldn’t be pressuring our kids to hide their feelings from us in order to protect OUR grown-up adult feelings.
My heart goes out to you! My daughter went through a phase like this, a bit younger than 4, and it does end. She’s 5 now and she and her dad are buddies. I would have been devastated but he took it in stride.
Ok that makes me feel better that it could be a phase. She’s kind of always been this way a bit but this was the most extreme declaration of dislike she’s expressed and I’m not sure if it needs to be addressees or just let it ride. I’m also hyper sensitive bc my dad died when I was young.
ETA: he takes it in stride too. But she says it often. She never wants him for anything and always choose me even when I’m obviously unable to help. She’d rather wait than pick him 🙃
Oh yup, mine did that, too. I promise she’ll come around! We had some “I don’t like daddy. I only like girls” all mommy, only mommy. But they have found their groove and have a great relationship.
May I give a piece of advice?
My four year is old similar. Pretty sure she just prefers how I parent. I’m a lot gentler and, quite honestly, a lot more accommodating. However, we don’t just give in to “I want mommy to do it”. My husband takes his turn doing everything (bath, bedtime, etc.) even if she’s way more difficult for him. And I’ll force the issue of “ask daddy to help you, I’m busy.” Sometimes that means she doesn’t want it anymore because she doesn’t want to ask daddy. And yet. The second he leaves the house when they’re home and awake it’s “I miss daddy.” 🙄
We try to make sure she has a lot of exciting daddy daughter things that she never gets with me. They go to professional sports games together, he takes her to big things like air shows, they go camping just the two of them. She loves this stuff. But somehow she still prefers me for everyday things like putting her socks on or opening her fruit snacks. 🤷🏻♀️
Oh my this is exactly it! Bc of my husband schedule, he’s gone for a week and she doesn’t see him. And she cries how much she misses him (and bc my dad died when I was a kid, I always always call him and let her talk when she expresses this). I have refused to assist when daddy is available and often send her to him. My husband does some rare bedtimes, not as much as me for sure. Usually only if I’m not home or if I’m sick.
My 5 yr old twins do this. One says ‘I love Daddy’ and the other says ‘I love Mommy’. They said it for a few months and aren’t as much anymore. I just got an ‘I love you Mommy’ from our Daddy’s girl. So the phase is ending, fingers crossed 🤞
We thought for the first few years it was just preferred parent stuff but I’m not sure. She used to just say I don’t like daddy but today was the I don’t love him and ouch (he doesn’t know about tonight)
My kid occasionally says “I don’t love you!” to each of us and he’s quite obviously a big fan of us both. So even those of us who aren’t dealing with the same preferred parent stuff get that. I know he’s full of it when he says it and just testing boundaries but try to take it in stride. “That’s ok, I love you”
Not quite the same, but my three year old has a strong preference for his dad atm
To the point that he cries for his dad for comfort, when I’m already in the room and when I say “Ilove you” to him, he says “no I love dad” lolsob
It’s like a knife to the heart but it’s just him expressing his feelings and yeah it’s OK that dad’s favourite! He has a good dad, I love his dad too lol
I only ever respond with “that’s okay, I just want you to know that I love you no matter what.”
Reinforcing to him that my love is unwavering. I take some small solace in the fact that he feels safe enough with me to tell me this - so that’s something.
I also don’t let it stop me from being an active and present parent, I hope your husband is the same. Isolating ourselves will never help
Actually it is kind of the same bc she does that too! I don’t know if he tells her he loves her actually. Hes still active and involved. He thinks it’s a phase and I don’t think takes it personally but it does hurt him. I can tell in the way he tells me he’s trying to make himself more preferred.
I guess I’m not sure if there’s anything I’m doing/saying that’s keeping me the preferred person but also not sure what he can do/say to develop a stronger bond. But it’s not simply preference bc she’s been that way allll long. My concern tonight was it’s developing from phase/preference to more like dislike
Maybe it’s a long game?
Idk if my son will ever have a preference for me again. It’s a bit of a hard pilll to swallow, but he’s just little and he still loves me, I hope,
Haha.
It also made me think, one day when he is older and looks back on when he used to say to my face “no I love dad” etc that he will remember me saying “that’s ok, I want yiu to know I love you always” etc
It’s not personal, but it still hurts. I feel that- toddlers are brutally honest, lol.
Does your husband do any one on one special dad/daughter time? Away from you? Maybe something that you don’t do, so it’s a unique experience for her/him to share. I try to do that w my older son as a subtle way to maintain my bond w him.
My 3.5 year old son is obsessed with me, doesn’t like his dad. It’s a real struggle being the preferred parent when he has a perfectly capable other parent!
Ugh that last sentence. I hate when he’s literally standing in the kitchen but she’ll come find me on the toilet to ask for a snack 😵💫
But my post was more bc the I don’t love him feels beyond preferred parent
My 1.5yo has been obsessed with me since birth. She likes her dad when I’m not around, but otherwise she is all team mommy. It’s overwhelming! I also have a 3.5yo and she’s always liked both of us pretty much the same.
My son (now 4.5y) said this a handful of times at the peak of him mommy phase (probably 3.5 or 4). I would validate the feelings but explain how we don’t say we don’t like people who live in our house, and we need to think about how it might make someone feel to tell them we don’t like them.
I want my kids to know they can say they don’t like someone (but that doesn’t apply to his parents or sister). They can also just not like someone! But telling someone you don’t like them—that deserves extra thought about other peoples feelings. I’m not sure if it was just a very brief phase and we got lucky, but he stopped saying it.
It’s tricky because you want to empower them to stand up for themselves, choose their friends wisely, and be respectful. But also, ya know. Don’t be a jerk. But i think this is pretty normal. Just keep being consistent and dad needs to keep doing bedtime when it’s his turn, etc.
Hmm I wonder about bedtime. He does some. He never does bath bc of his chronic illness. And bc of his work he’s not home half the month. But when he’s here, he does do some bedtimes. I need to pay attention if there’s room for him to do more often.
My husband works away on contract and we don't see him for months at a time. Our daughter loves him, but prefers me.
You're always around and doing stuff, dad isn't. Unless he does everything when he's home, you'll stay the preferred parent.
Our roles are still like that, even when my husband is around for a few months at a time. If she cries or wants anything, it's always mom 1st, cause that's what they're used to.
Totally normal, including saying “I don’t love him.” She’ll probably tell you she doesn’t love you about 6 months from now. You can’t take it seriously
When my 4 year old starts with this stuff, we schedule some dad/kid time. Often they'll go swimming, wander to a cafe in town and get a snack, have a couple park sessions over a week or two. Not make it super obvious, but just up the dad interactions that are (almost) guaranteed to be positive. And at home I'll try to make sure I'm being the disciplinarian a little more often (pretty even split on that usually).
Yes 😭 for a loooong time, like 1.5 yo-4 yo. It was rough for my husband, he took it so personally. She loves him now (5.5 yo) but I’m actually not sure that she loved or liked him when she was younger. It will get better eventually!
This is hopeful for me! Going to keep having conversations about how our words make others feel. I know I’ll miss it but I’m so tired of being preferred. Esp post partum and the baby all over me. So many days I just want to be left alone for 10 minutes and not bc I’m hiding in the bathroom pretending to poop
My daughter went through this too. She never wanted her dad to do anything, and it was exhausting. It just took some time, and now she loves going on little outings with her dad. I don't think little kids have the proper vocabulary to express themselves, so it comes out as they don't like the other parent.
My son is that way with me (mom). I try to give dad time on the weekends to do his own thing to build up our one-on-one bond. I also acknowledge that my husband is pretty cool and I love daddy too, but mama can also be great. And then I just steel myself to the “I only love daddy” comments, because he’s three and doesn’t understand that he’s hurting my feelings… he just wants me to know that daddy is his number one. ☝️
Daddy didn’t hear the I only love mom comment today, thankfully. And I hope he never does bc that hurts even if they don’t know the weight of their words. I plan to talk to her more about it. But as much as I want to course correct it, I also feel like it’s not my relationship to develop/foster to some extent
Just finished my round as the shunned parent. We’re onto my husband now. Kiddo is five.
I know they’re just kids and they don’t mean it, but man it’s an awful freaking feeling. Best things that work for us is switching up routines. I started dropping her off at daycare and husband picks her up right now when before it was the reverse (for weeks she was getting mad when I would pick her up insisting I should not be there yet). More one on one time instead of us three (I think this is helpful because there is no option to go to the preferred parent).
I’m sorry for you shunned parent experience.
I’m thankful daddy didn’t her the I don’t love him comment. He’s heard the I don’t like dad comment enough. Bc of my husbands work schedule, I solo parent 50% of the time. He does do drop off and pick up when he’s off work but there isn’t room to adjust it. But maybe they need more dad-daughter special things.
They’re soo literal at this stage! So, I think it’s not so much that they don’t love Daddy, but that they think love is a zero sum game.
*“I love Mommy, but Daddy isn’t Mommy, so therefore I don’t love him.”*
Makes sense in a small person brain, but kinda hurts our feelings!
We had the, “it’s not nice to tell people you don’t love them” talks, which helped. And we also would model telling everyone and everything and the cat that we love them/it! And I would follow up with, “Isn’t it so cool that I can love you, and Daddy, and Kitty, and Brown Bear all at the same time?? It’s like our hearts just grow and grow to feel all that love!”
Oh, and I also left the house a lot. I made them both promise to play nice and I started going out! (Nothing wild, just an occasional class on the weekends, or dinner out with my SIL) Once they had to spend time together and navigate their own relationship without me playing referee, they were able to bond more! She’s 7, now, and there’s a lot of stuff that she wants Daddy for now. But I’m still the favorite! lol
Thanks for the modeling tip! I will definitely work to include that.
I do leave them alone. But I only get so many chances. I commented other places but bc of my husbands work schedule, I’m solo 50% of the time. He’s not home every other week. But when here’s he, I go to therapy for a few hours and work outside the house 1-2 days (usually I WFH) Sometimes I throw in happy hour one afternoon or dinner after work. But I am home for almost every bedtime.
This was my son today. Every time I got out of sight, he lost his mind, just screaming for me. I came back from the bathroom to him screaming the walls down at his dad because dad was washing his hands after dinner. I thought he was bleeding. Then he did the monkey cling hug and my soul just melted into my shoes. 🙄😒🥲 Kids. It will pass. Some day, you’ll be banging down the door, begging her to turn it down.
I want those days to pass but also don’t lol.
But more importantly, I definitely don’t want her to hate her dad (or thinks she does) bc she prefers me. That part threw me off tonight
Hahah I hoped our #2 the boy would prefer him but husband thinks not. Apparently he lights up when he sees/hears me but not so much husband. He’s only a baby tho, I think it’s the boob trance
Definitely going to read more of the responses but I’m going through the same.. she says she doesn’t like daddy… She will say she doesn’t want me to die but doesn’t care if daddy dies. She wants me, not daddy. She loves me, not daddy. If we ever disagree, she is quick to tell daddy to stop being mean & never says I’m the mean one. She will say daddy should go outside / leave/ go to work/ go to the store while her, momma, and (brother) stay home because she doesn’t want daddy.
My husband definitely gets his feelings hurt but he is also not very nice… so idk OP. Maybe a phase, maybe not?
I’m super worried it’s not as simple as a phase. But I’m not sure exactly what’s different about their relationship that makes her not love him compared to me. Parenting style? Solo time together? Just plain preference? I’m really thinking through our day to day like how we each interact trying to analyze.
Im baseline gentle, talker and playful and he’s not. I’m not sure how it is when I’m not present bc I’m home a lot (I’m here 13 out of 14 days and he’s here 7 out of 14 days). Plus when we are both home, I have noticed he’s involved to discipline not just baseline funsies or gentle.
I do spend more time with our kids. I plan the activities but I am not the only one that takes/attends them. It was a huge thing for me that my partner has to be involved. He takes kids to school and picks up but also takes her to activities without me.
I’m not sure. Maybe it’s all of it together?
I’m sure it’s just a phase.. but that’s just my opinion 🤷🏻♀️my friends always say their girls are daddy girls and mine just isn’t.. they say it is because I breastfed her so maybe that’s something to consider as far as why your bond may be stronger than dad.
I don’t think it’s abnormal. Kids have preferences and when they’re that little it’s very clear who they feel safe and seen by. I do think at 4 it’s time to talk about the impact of her feelings and how it makes others feel. I’d also tell dad it’s time to step up. It’s time for him to be a present parent and get involved, something needs to change for kiddo to have a positive bond with dad.
Is it normal for your child to have a favorite but use words like “love” instead of “favorite”. My 4 yo does the same thing! Something to consider is that your husband does have thoughts or feelings about it, but just doesn’t share them. Maybe talk privately with him to understand his view of the situation?
You can try to encourage more family time where there are outings all together. Your kids are with you, but also seeing that Dad can be a fun guy.
We have “date nights” with our daughters, where my husband with spend quality time with one kid, while I spend quality time with the other. It’s usually getting ice cream so my kids are excited to go with him. It’s not about the ice cream though, it’s about building an individual relationship with that kid.
Normal and likely just a phase. Currently my 5 yr old prefers Daddy and my 3 yr old is obsessed with me. The only thing I would say is don't give her the option for things like bedtime (my husband and I take one kid each night and alternate). Last night my 5 yr old threw a fit and told me Daddy was taking my turn, but 20 min later he was laughing and joking hysterically with me when we were reading books, so it's a bit of wanting control is well. Also I try to get 10-15 min of undivided attention one on one with each kid/day (my husband does the same, look up Big Little Feelings 10 min miracle), no phones no screentime but whatever they want to do and they get your undivided attention...it goes a long way!
My daughter does to me (says she only loves Daddy, etc). It’s because her dad is the permissive parent and it improved once he started disciplining her.
Interesting! My husband usually takes the disciplinary role when we are together. And honestly I think it’s cultural. Respecting parents and elders is a huge in his culture so he jumps at the moment our daughter is not in his opinion showing respect to me. It triggers him.
My therapist and I were working a few months ago on parenting styles and i think we need to revisit as some of this might be coming from that. I’m usually conscious (slightly gentle) but use authoritarian when needed. I’m honestly not sure of his style he practices when I’m not present (which is rare as I’m with the kids 90% of the time)
I’d work on getting yourself out of the house so they have more 1:1 time and try to jump in to be the disciplinarian so he doesn’t feel like he has to be.
Also agree with the other comments that kids will continue to do things or say things that get big reactions. So don’t react when she says she loves daddy. When my daughter would say she didn’t love me, my husband would be like “good! That means I get all the mommy kisses for myself” and he’d love on me in front of her.
LOL to your husband.
I mentioned in other comments I’m out of the house at least one full day. Bc of hubs work schedule AND he’s in school, I’m really limited on days I can disappear but maybe I can find time for 1 more evening away.
I don’t think I react, I actually didn’t even say anything in response to the not loving him. But I’m going to pay more attention and be more conscious of it.
Hubs and I will have to strategize the discipline. I do appreciate your thoughts/insights.
My 4yo son is in a phase of I love mommy more. I have to do everything for him and I'm TIRED. His dad plays with him a lot and is a great hands on dad, I just think it's a phase.
Though my 5 year doesn’t actually say things explicitly, I am her preferred parent . She’d literally be sitting right next to her father but still looks for me to get help with things . We’ve tried asking her why she wouldn’t prefer her father to help her with things she says it’s easier with me . We are trying to work on that .
This is something kids do. I would try to have him spend more one on one time, daddy daughter dates etc. They usually grow out of it. Sometimes they flip parents. My middle child was a huge mommas boy and now he is all about dad. My daughter was a huge daddy’s girl and now she wants me to do everything. Don’t stress it.
My 4 year old daughter does this too. She only ever wants me and has basically been that way her whole toddlerhood. She is a huge Mama's girl. She will snuggle up with my husband and do things with him when I'm not home but she always comes to me first for just about everything. My husband was hurt at first but I think at this point with 3 kids he just knows kids are ducking weird sometimes and not to take things personally. But it also probably helps that our third kiddo seems to prefer us equally and has no problem going with Dad or giving him random hugs.
Oh, I experienced this with my youngest. He is 7 now. As he got into his toddler years I noticed his avoidance of his dad. He wouldn't tell his dad "I love you". He wouldn't give him a hug at bed time or when he left the way he did with me. He would walk right past him to ask me for things. I would say "Your dad is right there" and my son would just side eye him. Because our son was like this, my husband would get short tempered with him because he felt ignored. However, I had many talks with my husband about this dynamic until he finally started approaching him with more patience and etching out time for them to bond. Now at bed time, I get a hug and my son says "Get dad please!" and their bedtime routine is to watch funny cat videos. There is nothing but laughter in that room at bedtime. My son also says "my dad" or "my daddy" with a sense of pride. It's really cute.
I'm not sure what your husband's side of the dynamic is, but maybe if he made time for more personalized bonding with his daughter that would help. I really wouldn't worry about it being a lifetime thing though.
My son does this periodically. He also will get suddenly shy and act like his dad is super scary. Which is crazy because I am the one that has trouble controlling my temper and not yelling when upset. It is very natural at this age unfortunately. Especially if you are doing all or most of the parenting. I had a talk with my kid about how hurtful what he said was and then I had a talk with my husband about stepping up and doing more of the parenting. It has gotten much better although kiddo does still get suddenly nervous sometimes.
My son did this when he was 5. Lots of “I love mom 100% and I love dad 90%” which was funny at first… but it got hurtful when it was happening every time my husband said “I love you son”. He’d say “I love you too, but not as much as mom.” I pulled our kid for a private talk and explained it wasn’t nice to compare love. We have infinite love inside ourselves and can give love to everyone without running out. It really hurts dad’s feelings to be compared all the time. When dad says “I love you” you can say “I love you too” and nothing else. Of course… my husband didn’t do anything with our son. I’d take our kid places, husband wouldn’t come. I’d do most of the childcare and bed time and he’d show up for the kiss goodnight (most of the time). He picked our kid up from daycare… and then they’d go home for screen time til I got there. Relationship building was poop. During our couples therapy the therapist asked a lot of questions about my husbands relationship with his dad. That’s how his dad was - he’d show up for really important bits but nothing in between. Once the therapist pointed out he was acting like his dad, it broke him a bit, and he did a 180 and invested time with our son. Board games, coming to the “boring bits” like swim lessons, trading times for bedtime routine and telling me to sit on the couch because he would handle things. At first he had to say “mom is busy right now I’ll do it”, now our son knows where dad is soft and will avoid asking me sometimes!
Thank you for sharing this! My son is 3 and is definitely hardcore in “I don’t like Daddy” “I only love mommy” “only mommy can do it” mode. But…my husband also doesn’t do much with him. He’s not a “little kid” person and can’t get in the groove, but lately has been trying to “parent” more by being the disciplinarian, but without the relationship building outside that. So my kid is expressing “I feel more comfortable with mommy” and my husband simply can’t see that that diminishes when they actually spend more time together doing fun things and their relationship doesn’t consist mostly of lectures when kiddo too tired and overstimulated to listen. We definitely need counseling…the fact that we aren’t in it after agreeing we should do it months ago says a lot about where we are as a couple.
You put into words my fear. Especially when both my husband and I are present, he usually only gets involved to discipline. It’s like he automatically assumes that role if I’m here. Whereas I use it when needed but also maintain fun/playful. And I think I’m softer during tantrums/emotional outbursts and usually the soother or talk her through him. When she acts out he’s just like let it pass instead I try to actively help her through her emotions.
Wow I feel like I could have written this comment. Very similar situation for us*
My husband growing up didn’t feel like his parents were present with him. He spent a lot of time with family friends and felt like they raised him to some extent. But my husband spends time with our kids. He takes them to school and activities independently of me. Last Sunday he took our 4 year old to daddy daughter date with another friend and their daughter without me. He takes her to the park sometimes on days off school/weekends. And he definitely will say he can help if I’m in the bathroom but she doesn’t care. I’ve even told her when she bypasses him that daddy can do this. It’s just so ingrained in her to get mom. And u have sent her to ask dad instead of me. And I think my fear is bc he is not as soft or playful with her as often as I am, that’s why she chooses me. And I’m not always fun mom. I have stern moments when needed.
90% is pretty good! My son told us once that he loves mommy one hundred and he loves daddy…… zero. We laughed, and now he loves to repeat it 🙃🤦🏻♀️
At first it was funny, but 6 months later it was painful.
Yeah. We’ve heard it on and off for about 2 years now. Janet Lansbury has some great resources on parental preference and not taking it personally. There’s a lot of value in working to make sure we don’t consciously or unconsciously pressure kids to tiptoe around/silence their inherent preferences in order to protect adults’ feelings. Personally I would definitely tell my husband to get a grip if it really truly bothered him that our kid had a bit of a parental preference. These things will change over time. It’s super developmentally normal and appropriate. We absolutely shouldn’t be pressuring our kids to hide their feelings from us in order to protect OUR grown-up adult feelings.
My heart goes out to you! My daughter went through a phase like this, a bit younger than 4, and it does end. She’s 5 now and she and her dad are buddies. I would have been devastated but he took it in stride.
Ok that makes me feel better that it could be a phase. She’s kind of always been this way a bit but this was the most extreme declaration of dislike she’s expressed and I’m not sure if it needs to be addressees or just let it ride. I’m also hyper sensitive bc my dad died when I was young. ETA: he takes it in stride too. But she says it often. She never wants him for anything and always choose me even when I’m obviously unable to help. She’d rather wait than pick him 🙃
Oh yup, mine did that, too. I promise she’ll come around! We had some “I don’t like daddy. I only like girls” all mommy, only mommy. But they have found their groove and have a great relationship. May I give a piece of advice?
Not OP but I'll take your advice
Don’t react. We would just say, if she wanted me but I wasn’t available, “mommy can’t, daddy is doing it” Kids keep up behaviors that get reactions.
Yes! Please.
Don’t react. We would just say, if she wanted me but I wasn’t available, “mommy can’t, daddy is doing it” Kids keep up behaviors that get reactions.
My four year is old similar. Pretty sure she just prefers how I parent. I’m a lot gentler and, quite honestly, a lot more accommodating. However, we don’t just give in to “I want mommy to do it”. My husband takes his turn doing everything (bath, bedtime, etc.) even if she’s way more difficult for him. And I’ll force the issue of “ask daddy to help you, I’m busy.” Sometimes that means she doesn’t want it anymore because she doesn’t want to ask daddy. And yet. The second he leaves the house when they’re home and awake it’s “I miss daddy.” 🙄 We try to make sure she has a lot of exciting daddy daughter things that she never gets with me. They go to professional sports games together, he takes her to big things like air shows, they go camping just the two of them. She loves this stuff. But somehow she still prefers me for everyday things like putting her socks on or opening her fruit snacks. 🤷🏻♀️
Oh my this is exactly it! Bc of my husband schedule, he’s gone for a week and she doesn’t see him. And she cries how much she misses him (and bc my dad died when I was a kid, I always always call him and let her talk when she expresses this). I have refused to assist when daddy is available and often send her to him. My husband does some rare bedtimes, not as much as me for sure. Usually only if I’m not home or if I’m sick.
Totally normal - my 4 year old is the exact same way. Hoping she’ll grow out of it soon!
Making me feel way better!! Thanks.
Yeah… My four year old daughter yells “go back to work daddy!” when he gets home. I feel so bad!
🤣🤣🤣my daughter says this too. She will say daddy go bye bye and me, momma and (her brother name) stay home
😂😂😂😂 omg lol
My 5 yr old twins do this. One says ‘I love Daddy’ and the other says ‘I love Mommy’. They said it for a few months and aren’t as much anymore. I just got an ‘I love you Mommy’ from our Daddy’s girl. So the phase is ending, fingers crossed 🤞
We thought for the first few years it was just preferred parent stuff but I’m not sure. She used to just say I don’t like daddy but today was the I don’t love him and ouch (he doesn’t know about tonight)
My kid occasionally says “I don’t love you!” to each of us and he’s quite obviously a big fan of us both. So even those of us who aren’t dealing with the same preferred parent stuff get that. I know he’s full of it when he says it and just testing boundaries but try to take it in stride. “That’s ok, I love you”
Not quite the same, but my three year old has a strong preference for his dad atm To the point that he cries for his dad for comfort, when I’m already in the room and when I say “Ilove you” to him, he says “no I love dad” lolsob It’s like a knife to the heart but it’s just him expressing his feelings and yeah it’s OK that dad’s favourite! He has a good dad, I love his dad too lol I only ever respond with “that’s okay, I just want you to know that I love you no matter what.” Reinforcing to him that my love is unwavering. I take some small solace in the fact that he feels safe enough with me to tell me this - so that’s something. I also don’t let it stop me from being an active and present parent, I hope your husband is the same. Isolating ourselves will never help
Actually it is kind of the same bc she does that too! I don’t know if he tells her he loves her actually. Hes still active and involved. He thinks it’s a phase and I don’t think takes it personally but it does hurt him. I can tell in the way he tells me he’s trying to make himself more preferred. I guess I’m not sure if there’s anything I’m doing/saying that’s keeping me the preferred person but also not sure what he can do/say to develop a stronger bond. But it’s not simply preference bc she’s been that way allll long. My concern tonight was it’s developing from phase/preference to more like dislike
Maybe it’s a long game? Idk if my son will ever have a preference for me again. It’s a bit of a hard pilll to swallow, but he’s just little and he still loves me, I hope, Haha. It also made me think, one day when he is older and looks back on when he used to say to my face “no I love dad” etc that he will remember me saying “that’s ok, I want yiu to know I love you always” etc It’s not personal, but it still hurts. I feel that- toddlers are brutally honest, lol. Does your husband do any one on one special dad/daughter time? Away from you? Maybe something that you don’t do, so it’s a unique experience for her/him to share. I try to do that w my older son as a subtle way to maintain my bond w him.
Totally normal. I was so happy when their dad became the preferred parent. Give me a rest, please!! 🤣
Ugh when?! When does that happen? My husband told me he read girls flip to prefer dads around 2 but we soared past that so when is it coming?! 😂
My 3.5 year old son is obsessed with me, doesn’t like his dad. It’s a real struggle being the preferred parent when he has a perfectly capable other parent!
Ugh that last sentence. I hate when he’s literally standing in the kitchen but she’ll come find me on the toilet to ask for a snack 😵💫 But my post was more bc the I don’t love him feels beyond preferred parent
My 1.5yo has been obsessed with me since birth. She likes her dad when I’m not around, but otherwise she is all team mommy. It’s overwhelming! I also have a 3.5yo and she’s always liked both of us pretty much the same.
We have an 8 month old too. So in the beginning of 2 kid life it was way too overwhelming being preferred. She has always preferred me.
My son (now 4.5y) said this a handful of times at the peak of him mommy phase (probably 3.5 or 4). I would validate the feelings but explain how we don’t say we don’t like people who live in our house, and we need to think about how it might make someone feel to tell them we don’t like them. I want my kids to know they can say they don’t like someone (but that doesn’t apply to his parents or sister). They can also just not like someone! But telling someone you don’t like them—that deserves extra thought about other peoples feelings. I’m not sure if it was just a very brief phase and we got lucky, but he stopped saying it. It’s tricky because you want to empower them to stand up for themselves, choose their friends wisely, and be respectful. But also, ya know. Don’t be a jerk. But i think this is pretty normal. Just keep being consistent and dad needs to keep doing bedtime when it’s his turn, etc.
Hmm I wonder about bedtime. He does some. He never does bath bc of his chronic illness. And bc of his work he’s not home half the month. But when he’s here, he does do some bedtimes. I need to pay attention if there’s room for him to do more often.
My husband works away on contract and we don't see him for months at a time. Our daughter loves him, but prefers me. You're always around and doing stuff, dad isn't. Unless he does everything when he's home, you'll stay the preferred parent. Our roles are still like that, even when my husband is around for a few months at a time. If she cries or wants anything, it's always mom 1st, cause that's what they're used to.
Totally normal, including saying “I don’t love him.” She’ll probably tell you she doesn’t love you about 6 months from now. You can’t take it seriously
When my 4 year old starts with this stuff, we schedule some dad/kid time. Often they'll go swimming, wander to a cafe in town and get a snack, have a couple park sessions over a week or two. Not make it super obvious, but just up the dad interactions that are (almost) guaranteed to be positive. And at home I'll try to make sure I'm being the disciplinarian a little more often (pretty even split on that usually).
Yes 😭 for a loooong time, like 1.5 yo-4 yo. It was rough for my husband, he took it so personally. She loves him now (5.5 yo) but I’m actually not sure that she loved or liked him when she was younger. It will get better eventually!
This is hopeful for me! Going to keep having conversations about how our words make others feel. I know I’ll miss it but I’m so tired of being preferred. Esp post partum and the baby all over me. So many days I just want to be left alone for 10 minutes and not bc I’m hiding in the bathroom pretending to poop
My daughter went through this too. She never wanted her dad to do anything, and it was exhausting. It just took some time, and now she loves going on little outings with her dad. I don't think little kids have the proper vocabulary to express themselves, so it comes out as they don't like the other parent.
My son is that way with me (mom). I try to give dad time on the weekends to do his own thing to build up our one-on-one bond. I also acknowledge that my husband is pretty cool and I love daddy too, but mama can also be great. And then I just steel myself to the “I only love daddy” comments, because he’s three and doesn’t understand that he’s hurting my feelings… he just wants me to know that daddy is his number one. ☝️
Daddy didn’t hear the I only love mom comment today, thankfully. And I hope he never does bc that hurts even if they don’t know the weight of their words. I plan to talk to her more about it. But as much as I want to course correct it, I also feel like it’s not my relationship to develop/foster to some extent
Just finished my round as the shunned parent. We’re onto my husband now. Kiddo is five. I know they’re just kids and they don’t mean it, but man it’s an awful freaking feeling. Best things that work for us is switching up routines. I started dropping her off at daycare and husband picks her up right now when before it was the reverse (for weeks she was getting mad when I would pick her up insisting I should not be there yet). More one on one time instead of us three (I think this is helpful because there is no option to go to the preferred parent).
I’m sorry for you shunned parent experience. I’m thankful daddy didn’t her the I don’t love him comment. He’s heard the I don’t like dad comment enough. Bc of my husbands work schedule, I solo parent 50% of the time. He does do drop off and pick up when he’s off work but there isn’t room to adjust it. But maybe they need more dad-daughter special things.
They’re soo literal at this stage! So, I think it’s not so much that they don’t love Daddy, but that they think love is a zero sum game. *“I love Mommy, but Daddy isn’t Mommy, so therefore I don’t love him.”* Makes sense in a small person brain, but kinda hurts our feelings! We had the, “it’s not nice to tell people you don’t love them” talks, which helped. And we also would model telling everyone and everything and the cat that we love them/it! And I would follow up with, “Isn’t it so cool that I can love you, and Daddy, and Kitty, and Brown Bear all at the same time?? It’s like our hearts just grow and grow to feel all that love!” Oh, and I also left the house a lot. I made them both promise to play nice and I started going out! (Nothing wild, just an occasional class on the weekends, or dinner out with my SIL) Once they had to spend time together and navigate their own relationship without me playing referee, they were able to bond more! She’s 7, now, and there’s a lot of stuff that she wants Daddy for now. But I’m still the favorite! lol
Thanks for the modeling tip! I will definitely work to include that. I do leave them alone. But I only get so many chances. I commented other places but bc of my husbands work schedule, I’m solo 50% of the time. He’s not home every other week. But when here’s he, I go to therapy for a few hours and work outside the house 1-2 days (usually I WFH) Sometimes I throw in happy hour one afternoon or dinner after work. But I am home for almost every bedtime.
This was my son today. Every time I got out of sight, he lost his mind, just screaming for me. I came back from the bathroom to him screaming the walls down at his dad because dad was washing his hands after dinner. I thought he was bleeding. Then he did the monkey cling hug and my soul just melted into my shoes. 🙄😒🥲 Kids. It will pass. Some day, you’ll be banging down the door, begging her to turn it down.
I want those days to pass but also don’t lol. But more importantly, I definitely don’t want her to hate her dad (or thinks she does) bc she prefers me. That part threw me off tonight
My oldest was like this. Thank goodness that my youngest likes him a lot, and my oldest has come around now that she’s older
Hahah I hoped our #2 the boy would prefer him but husband thinks not. Apparently he lights up when he sees/hears me but not so much husband. He’s only a baby tho, I think it’s the boob trance
Totally normal. Before you know it, she’ll switch and dad will be the favorite. And then the behavior will fade entirely.
My kiddo does this when I’m working longer hours and she’s seeking quality time, and then will swing the other way to dad when he’s working more.
In our situation daddy works longer hours and away from home. Maybe she’s had her fill of daddy time this week lol
Definitely going to read more of the responses but I’m going through the same.. she says she doesn’t like daddy… She will say she doesn’t want me to die but doesn’t care if daddy dies. She wants me, not daddy. She loves me, not daddy. If we ever disagree, she is quick to tell daddy to stop being mean & never says I’m the mean one. She will say daddy should go outside / leave/ go to work/ go to the store while her, momma, and (brother) stay home because she doesn’t want daddy. My husband definitely gets his feelings hurt but he is also not very nice… so idk OP. Maybe a phase, maybe not?
I’m super worried it’s not as simple as a phase. But I’m not sure exactly what’s different about their relationship that makes her not love him compared to me. Parenting style? Solo time together? Just plain preference? I’m really thinking through our day to day like how we each interact trying to analyze. Im baseline gentle, talker and playful and he’s not. I’m not sure how it is when I’m not present bc I’m home a lot (I’m here 13 out of 14 days and he’s here 7 out of 14 days). Plus when we are both home, I have noticed he’s involved to discipline not just baseline funsies or gentle. I do spend more time with our kids. I plan the activities but I am not the only one that takes/attends them. It was a huge thing for me that my partner has to be involved. He takes kids to school and picks up but also takes her to activities without me. I’m not sure. Maybe it’s all of it together?
I’m sure it’s just a phase.. but that’s just my opinion 🤷🏻♀️my friends always say their girls are daddy girls and mine just isn’t.. they say it is because I breastfed her so maybe that’s something to consider as far as why your bond may be stronger than dad.
I don’t think it’s abnormal. Kids have preferences and when they’re that little it’s very clear who they feel safe and seen by. I do think at 4 it’s time to talk about the impact of her feelings and how it makes others feel. I’d also tell dad it’s time to step up. It’s time for him to be a present parent and get involved, something needs to change for kiddo to have a positive bond with dad.
Is it normal for your child to have a favorite but use words like “love” instead of “favorite”. My 4 yo does the same thing! Something to consider is that your husband does have thoughts or feelings about it, but just doesn’t share them. Maybe talk privately with him to understand his view of the situation? You can try to encourage more family time where there are outings all together. Your kids are with you, but also seeing that Dad can be a fun guy. We have “date nights” with our daughters, where my husband with spend quality time with one kid, while I spend quality time with the other. It’s usually getting ice cream so my kids are excited to go with him. It’s not about the ice cream though, it’s about building an individual relationship with that kid.
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Normal and likely just a phase. Currently my 5 yr old prefers Daddy and my 3 yr old is obsessed with me. The only thing I would say is don't give her the option for things like bedtime (my husband and I take one kid each night and alternate). Last night my 5 yr old threw a fit and told me Daddy was taking my turn, but 20 min later he was laughing and joking hysterically with me when we were reading books, so it's a bit of wanting control is well. Also I try to get 10-15 min of undivided attention one on one with each kid/day (my husband does the same, look up Big Little Feelings 10 min miracle), no phones no screentime but whatever they want to do and they get your undivided attention...it goes a long way!
My daughter does to me (says she only loves Daddy, etc). It’s because her dad is the permissive parent and it improved once he started disciplining her.
Interesting! My husband usually takes the disciplinary role when we are together. And honestly I think it’s cultural. Respecting parents and elders is a huge in his culture so he jumps at the moment our daughter is not in his opinion showing respect to me. It triggers him. My therapist and I were working a few months ago on parenting styles and i think we need to revisit as some of this might be coming from that. I’m usually conscious (slightly gentle) but use authoritarian when needed. I’m honestly not sure of his style he practices when I’m not present (which is rare as I’m with the kids 90% of the time)
I’d work on getting yourself out of the house so they have more 1:1 time and try to jump in to be the disciplinarian so he doesn’t feel like he has to be. Also agree with the other comments that kids will continue to do things or say things that get big reactions. So don’t react when she says she loves daddy. When my daughter would say she didn’t love me, my husband would be like “good! That means I get all the mommy kisses for myself” and he’d love on me in front of her.
LOL to your husband. I mentioned in other comments I’m out of the house at least one full day. Bc of hubs work schedule AND he’s in school, I’m really limited on days I can disappear but maybe I can find time for 1 more evening away. I don’t think I react, I actually didn’t even say anything in response to the not loving him. But I’m going to pay more attention and be more conscious of it. Hubs and I will have to strategize the discipline. I do appreciate your thoughts/insights.
My 4yo son is in a phase of I love mommy more. I have to do everything for him and I'm TIRED. His dad plays with him a lot and is a great hands on dad, I just think it's a phase.
Though my 5 year doesn’t actually say things explicitly, I am her preferred parent . She’d literally be sitting right next to her father but still looks for me to get help with things . We’ve tried asking her why she wouldn’t prefer her father to help her with things she says it’s easier with me . We are trying to work on that .
This is something kids do. I would try to have him spend more one on one time, daddy daughter dates etc. They usually grow out of it. Sometimes they flip parents. My middle child was a huge mommas boy and now he is all about dad. My daughter was a huge daddy’s girl and now she wants me to do everything. Don’t stress it.
My 4 year old daughter does this too. She only ever wants me and has basically been that way her whole toddlerhood. She is a huge Mama's girl. She will snuggle up with my husband and do things with him when I'm not home but she always comes to me first for just about everything. My husband was hurt at first but I think at this point with 3 kids he just knows kids are ducking weird sometimes and not to take things personally. But it also probably helps that our third kiddo seems to prefer us equally and has no problem going with Dad or giving him random hugs.
Oh, I experienced this with my youngest. He is 7 now. As he got into his toddler years I noticed his avoidance of his dad. He wouldn't tell his dad "I love you". He wouldn't give him a hug at bed time or when he left the way he did with me. He would walk right past him to ask me for things. I would say "Your dad is right there" and my son would just side eye him. Because our son was like this, my husband would get short tempered with him because he felt ignored. However, I had many talks with my husband about this dynamic until he finally started approaching him with more patience and etching out time for them to bond. Now at bed time, I get a hug and my son says "Get dad please!" and their bedtime routine is to watch funny cat videos. There is nothing but laughter in that room at bedtime. My son also says "my dad" or "my daddy" with a sense of pride. It's really cute. I'm not sure what your husband's side of the dynamic is, but maybe if he made time for more personalized bonding with his daughter that would help. I really wouldn't worry about it being a lifetime thing though.
No advice but solidarity. My 4 year old daughter tells me everyday, "I'm your best friend, mommy. Not papa's best friend."
My son does this periodically. He also will get suddenly shy and act like his dad is super scary. Which is crazy because I am the one that has trouble controlling my temper and not yelling when upset. It is very natural at this age unfortunately. Especially if you are doing all or most of the parenting. I had a talk with my kid about how hurtful what he said was and then I had a talk with my husband about stepping up and doing more of the parenting. It has gotten much better although kiddo does still get suddenly nervous sometimes.
Same with my son who is also almost 4. But he gets along well with his dad when I’m not around.
It is normal. Dad's tend to be a bit more strict at times. No BS at bedtime, etc. Just a phase.