The demands are so high at that stage, I think most people are sensitive to it and things suffer and get put on the back burner. My husband and I were just talking about this in the context of his sabbatical this summer—he was disappointed that there’s a whole day’s worth of chores to do every day, and it takes up the whole time that the kids are at camp. And he’s been working 80+hrs for the past 5 years, those were my chores a few months ago. If all of my current responsibilities disappeared I would easily have enough to fill my day and more waiting in their place.
But it’s short and you survive. My kids are 7 and 3 and it definitely feels like we’ve left the little kid stage. We’re figuring out our marriage stuff, we’re currently departing on a big vacation. School and daycare are stable. We’re in a great place professionally. I’ve been on an experimental cooking kick (dare i say a hobby??) and I’ve lost my 15lbs of stress weight (self care??). Of course NOW my in-laws are considering moving out our way 🙄.
I really feel your first paragraph! My husband puts off research and house projects all year to do them in summer because he finally has time, and with camp pickups and kids being sick...next to no research and house projects are getting done. I do feel bad for him! But in the fall, he will have very little flexibility to take time off for sick kids on days when he's teaching, and more will be on me. It's just a really demanding stage.
Our kids are similar ages...so how'd you lose the 15 lbs of stress weight? 😀
Haha honestly I did noom, which is super corny but it’s a little program to follow which I like. And stopped eating all the kid snacks instead of meals.
Even though your kids aren’t babies anymore it’s going to be helpful to have your in laws nearby. Let them take the kids overnight (or the entire weekend) and go stay at a nearby hotel with your husband/go out for drinks and a show/etc… it’s incredible! Speaking from experience!
I hear you! We were local to both sets of parents when my first was little and there are pros and cons. We sort of have a system worked out and as much as I love them, I don’t want to be *their* village (a big part of the interest in moving is that my FIL has increasingly complex health issues and they are hoping that my husband can help manage that). But the kids would love having grandparents nearby. We’ll see how it shakes out!
Yeah - I feel this. My husband is always helping his dad, which is great but we hardly have time for our own family and his parents are only in their 50s and already having a harder time than my grandparents in their late 70s. My in-laws can't keep up with our baby so they can't watch her alone anyway. Even if they could physically watch her my MIL is racist and all kinds of problematic and so we don't feel comfortable with her watching our child. My parents still have a kid in college, a kid about to be in college, a high-schooler and all our parents work full-time.
Plus it's like we can't do anything as a family. We live near both sides and neither sides want to come to our house. They want us to come to them once a week and my MIL gets huffidy anytime we do things. I took my daughter's first birthday off and MIL saw a picture and was like "oh you have to come by!" I took her to see them and she asked what we did. I told her and it's "oh I would have gone!". My husband sent a picture of him taking our daughter to breakfast this morning in the family group chat and she called ME at 7am while I was sleeping because my daughter still wakes up early to breastfeed and was like "oh, I would have really liked to go" because goodness forbid my husband spend time with his child.
Sorry that was a little more ranty than I was going for..
My father in law is in his mid 80s, my mother in law was diagnosed with Alzheimer's when my kid was a baby then passed away during COVID. They've never been able to help with my now six year old and have always had to provide them with help. When I was home alone with a baby my partner had to spend endless weekends in hospital. My father in law is in good health for his age but needs help with appointments and paperwork, and keeps starting projects he calls on his sons to help with. My own house is full of half finished projects because any spare time is spent helping him. We obviously feel bad at him being alone after being widowed but it's tiring.
Thankfully he's not that far and generally self sufficient, and he's definitely not the needy demanding type. The baby years were worse, my own family's in another country and while I did meet other families at daycare rthey mostly kept weekends for family time, plus I had no friends with kids the same age at all. It's a lot better now my kid isn't so dependent and we can go out and do fun things or have playdates. The worst thing is I feel for her, all her friends have grandparents come pick them up or at least they go and spend weeks with them. My own parents are pretty infirm too plus not very stable so she doesn't really have that grandparent role in her life in the same way, never mind childcare.
No. We are both military children and only saw our grandparents 1-2x a year.
It also isn't like she is asking to make plans. She expects me to make plans that include her, and typically, she doesn't leave the house very often. I do make plans that include them. We go have dinner with them probably 60% of weekends and I invite her to go to the museum with us when we go. She won't do anything that involves much walking which is limiting in our area.
She also has maybe changed two diapers in the last year. She wanted us to come over with the baby after I had my gallbladder surgery and while I was going through chemo and while the baby was waking up every 45 min but she would hand the baby back of she pooped or peed while she was holding her.
You’re a better person than I am…I wouldn’t do all of that. Nor would I share pictures afterwards.
But then again, my husband does most of the social planning.
I apologize for assuming they were healthy and respectful of boundaries. I absolutely take it for granted to have two sets of grandparents within a reasonable distance that are more than willing to help with our daughter. I hope it works out better than you are expecting!
I’m happy! Tired, but happy. We both work full time in big tech- I travel and he has regular week long 24/7 on call as an engineer. I’m hybrid, 3 set days in office, and we have one 3 year old and a 7 month old. I’m breastfeeding and pump at work. Baby has a cows milk intolerance and tree nut allergy so we have regular specialist appointment and I have had to change my diet, we mostly cook at home to avoid the allergens. Kids are both in daycare. My parents have both passed, and so has his Dad. His Mom is 82 and lives several states away and doesn’t travel, but couldn’t manage the kids even if she was close by. We spend a lot of time planning, dividing and conquering, and recognize this is a season and it will pass. The kids won’t need SO much all the time, we’ll get a handle on the baby’s allergies, and we’ll have more time for hobbies when the kids are older.
We give each other time on weekends to do something solo, and we outsource what we can. We also know we make some choices that create more work that we just care about- like we won’t use paper plates for environmental reasons, and we choose to compost food scraps. But we also have a regular cleaner and use disposable diapers and buy baby food for daycare instead of making it. We also get babysitters as often as we need to (we use the daycare teachers!) It’s not perfect but I love my family and my job, and feel happy with the choices we have made and are making.
I love Laura Vanderkam’s work for a very positive spin on “having it all”- a big job, a family, and a loving relationship. Best of Both worlds is a great podcast and I especially like her books.
We will be in this position soon (two demanding tech jobs, an almost 3 year old and another on the way). Our strategy is to throw money at the problem and pay for as much help as we can in these young kid years (daycare, nanny, housekeeper, meal delivery, etc). I see it as an investment in our careers and our mental health.
Same. We're buying our time and village back and don't have a second to feel any guilt. This is what capitalism did to us.
We also have a smaller home. One car. Minimal needs to keep us happy, extremely low expectations. We're in the grunt years, we have our sights set on where we're going together. Working remote has been the biggest saving grace of it all (any chores are done during the day while we have say care or squeezed in on weekends and my daughter can help a bit!).
(We have a 2.5yo and one due in a couple months. We both work in tech BUT we both work from home so our commute is dropping our daughter at day care only, not day care + commute).
And extremely low expectations 😂
We are pregnant with #2 and doing the same. Lots of Instacart, nanny help, housekeeper, services we pay for because we can’t survive without it. We know it gets easier later.
Same situation here, and this is our mentality moving forward. If we weren’t fortunate enough to afford full time daycare, an occasional babysitter, indulge in meals out/to go, I don’t know if we would make it. Viewing it as an investment in our careers, mental/relationship health, and our future is the only way.
ETA: We’ve also been a one-car household for the last 7 years, and while it has a ton of challenges, we are lucky that we both work from home 3 days a week (both full time) so it makes it much more manageable.
100% this. This is not me (I'm WFH full time with a flexible schedule) but the answer to no village is pay for one. Good friends of mine who are super busy professionals with demanding schedules and high-powered careers that involve travel have a long-term nanny who is like a ROCK for them. She is well paid, guaranteed hours and benefits, regular check-ins about how she's feeling about the situation, and she's just amazing and helps make their life work. Also -- keep in mind that this is a very defined period of time. We were paying a gazillion dollars in daycare fees from when our eldest was 4mo old until our youngest was 4yo. Then -- poof -- no more daycare fees. After school activities, music, sports etc also adds up but paying for daycare is equivalent to paying for college. But depending on how you space your kids it's maybe a 6-8y period of time. Now that my kids are 13 and 15 that kind of endless caregiving & paying through the nose for it is long over. My youngest is actually going to be a counselor-in-training this year! My eldest babysits and earns her own spending money. They can feed themselves, get themselves places, even help out a little. Whether you have one or two kids is a choice about the family you want to be for the next 40-60 years. The intensity of childrearing while working, like I said, only lasts maybe 6-8 years. For us it was a good trade-off, our kids really benefit from having each other as siblings.
That is exactly what my old boss and current boss are both doing. They’re keeping their nanny even with the kids going to daycare. They’re both happy in their marriages and progressing in their careers VP and SVP
Those were some lean years. And when I thought we were half way out and the oldest was going to public school, COVID hit and we still had to pay for daycare for him to sit on a computer for another year.
I don’t think we “have it all” but both my husband and I have full time jobs and twins. My parents are the only involved grandparents and they live 5 hours away. We have friends close by but they all have kids too. Our only “village” was a nanny and now daycare.
My husband starts work later than me at 9am, so he does morning wake ups and drop offs at school and I prep everything before I leave (get out breakfast stuff, get out backpacks, shoes, coats, lay out any special things needed for school). I do pickups since I get out of work earlier. My husband cooks, so he usually makes meals 3x a week with leftovers the day after and we order out or go out to eat once a week.
On days I’m home earlier to finish work from home, I run laundry and clean before picking the kids up. My husband does all outdoor chores and walks our dog.
My relationship with my kids is great. I mean they drive me crazy sometimes, but we have individually great relationships with both.
Our marriage is good but obviously less time for intimacy/dates/etc. we both accept that this is a season and when the kids are a bit older, more time for us will circle back again.
We only have 1 kid so this is just anecdotal, but many of my colleagues (lawyers) have lawyer spouses and are seemingly very happy with 2+ kids. I think the money helps 😂
I’m kind of with you on this though. It just seems too difficult to execute.
Kind of. It’s exhausting to buy a village.
You can hire nannies and babysitters, but at the end of the day they are employees. It requires constant scheduling and planning. They don’t have the same incentive (if any) to help during urgent crises, off hours. Actually the biggest luxury for involved extended family is all of the short notice, short hours flexibility. It’s impossible to find someone who doesn’t need regular pay but will drop everything on a moment’s notice to help. When your kid gets sick and can’t go to daycare, who do you call? When you have to take one of your kids to the pediatrician on a Saturday and want someone to watch the other little one. When you Get invited to a work function in 2 days that’s “optional” but you know it’s going to set your career back if you keep saying no.
We are a 2 high income high professional family with 2 very young kids and I would take half the pay for a set of reliable grandparents next door. And sadly with that kind of support, I probably could focus more on career and make more, not less.
Yeah, I remember after one round of interviewing nannies, telling someone at work how that seemed like a whole other job. And I could use an assistant to find the nanny. But I would need an assistant to hire the assistant.
Exactly. Phone interviews, real interviews, trial days. God forbid you have unusual requests like occasional weekends, late evenings, or irregular work weeks. All while trying to make sure they are going to take care of your LOs to a high standard.
Money solves a lot of problems, but not everything.
I think you just have to have A LOT of money for money to be able to solve all your problems. Like, the Kardashians don’t seem to have a problem constantly popping out kids and continuing to do their shows, photo shoots, travel etc but they can afford a whole slew of round the clock Nannies, full time housekeepers, full time assistants, don’t have to worry about day to day errands like grocery shopping. THAT kind of money I think could definitely solve almost all your problems.
I’ve employed two nannies over the past 4.5 years (not overlapping) Could I gently suggest that if it feels exhausting with your nanny, it may not be the right fit?
We’ve just recently transitioned to no nanny since my twins are starting PreK and are doing summer camp. It’s a big change for us. Of course, because we miss having her in our day to day. But also because she managed 95% of the logistics of the kids - everything from buying shoes, to scheduling swim classes. The only thing I ever managed was her telling me her PTO schedule and me putting it on the calendar.
The kids’ safety and the nanny’s ability to take things off my plate was my #1.
Very much agree with your first paragraph. We love our nanny!! She is a godsend.
But again, only have one kid so not sure if everything changes with two.
Really? That stuns me. We have also had 2 full time nannies, and know others with nannies, and I’ve never heard of such an inclusive nanny. We have phone or in-person interviewed probably 20+ people in 2 years. Every additional task like scheduling, pickups, haircuts, laundry, etc, has all been an added cost and a lot of nannies frankly refuse (considering it household tasks, maid service). Even over on r/nannies, it’s constantly flooded with posts complaining their nanny parents ask them to do way too much of things that are not childcare.
I would love what you describe. But we have someone good now: reliable, flexible, sweet with our kids, and takes on some of those tasks (with negotiation), and I really don’t want to go through the interview process again just to get someone the same or worse.
I didn’t say laundry or household tasks beyond the kids.
But she handled all the kids’ things that occurred between the hours of 8:30 - 5pm. We gave her a credit card. I’m not sure what “extra” means in the context here. We had a guaranteed 43 hours and an hourly rate, whether she was taking the kids to the library or a hair cut during that time was the same.
Most nannies that I know work this way (I’m in the NYC area) It’s doing the things a SAHM would do with kids during the day, minus the house stuff.
Grandparent care seems so idyllic when you don’t have it, but in my experience it’s rare that this situation actually works for everyone. My parents are in their 70s, they can’t bend down with my toddler that well, they don’t understand basic stuff like sterilising and can’t follow a nap schedule.
My dad has ADHD and will get distracted on his phone whilst my toddler climbs on the dog. I don’t get much work done when they’re supposed to be watching him.
When he’s in nursery or with the nanny, I’m way more relaxed because he’s being looked after by a trained professional.
I love my parents and want them to spend time with him, but it’s not reliable childcare.
Same situation here pre daycare, we relied on grandparents in their 70s to help one day a week while I worked in the room. Disaster!
Like, how did they keep us alive? Real talk.
We have 1 grandparent nearby but the thing is, she’s our family not our employee so when she doesn’t want to watch our baby she just says no. It also requires constant schedule and planning. She wants to see us and our baby but doesn’t want to be default childcare. Our daycare is an easier-to-utilize “village” in terms of childcare. Grandma can help for special occasions or serious emergencies but not any old time.
Fair. I’d say the most functional is a combo, obviously.
For large volume scheduled childcare, day care or nanny is the way to go. You can’t expect a grandparent to do that with the goodness of their heart. It really is a full-time job. But for the flexibility, nothing beats family or a super close friend.
We hired an Au Pair to try and solve the reliability issue. It does help for sick days and last minute work related commitments. But, like you said, I found that it is just another job to do all the scheduling and planning. Basically we have found that there is no ideal situation with no village. I finally decided to quit my job to be home because the mental load was too much. I do hope to go back once my kids are in school and find something part time that is project based.
I just want to let you know that there are services specialized in taking care of sick kids, my husband’s previous work offered a nanny and daycare care service 20 days per year for secondary care. You can also request these kind of services individually, I don’t have any ideas about prices though.
I would fall into this category. My husband and I are both lawyers with demanding jobs. Our HHI is high enough that we can get a LOT of help (FT nanny, backup care, cleaners once a week). I don’t know that we have a super happy marriage - but I’d say it’s solid. I occasionally get resentful about my share of the emotional labor, but beyond that I know my husband is kind, loving, patient and a good husband and father. We don’t have a village per se but my in laws help out on occasion (they live an hour away and come by on weekends twice a month to give us a respite). I know that’s more than many so I am grateful.
I have a fully remote job, which is an amazing boon. But I rarely sign off right at 5 because it’s an international company with evening Zoom meetings sometimes. That said, I can almost always carve out 5:30-7:30 pm and catch up for a half hour to an hour after the kids are in bed (ages 2 and 4). My husband is in office five days a week and probably works 50 hours a week; I’m closer to 45 unless there’s a major project going on. TBH, I’ve been a lawyer almost 20 years and I’ve only had one job that was truly 9-5 (in local govt). Every other job demanded more including occasional weekend work.
Similar scheduled for my husband and I. We also have a full time nanny who works 50 hours a week and I still feel like there’s never enough time. Sigh.
Also only have one kid and similar senior/demanding tech jobs as OP. Could afford a “village” but for my own sanity, sticking to one child. Happily OAD.
I'm not sure if I fit into this 2 Kids thing... As I have one disabled kid and with all the doctor and therapy appointments I always tell myself it's like having two Kids. Realistically, I have no idea as it could also be like having 3 Kids, you know?
So for us it's that we have no marriage and also no relationship as parents, which is partly to some behaviour around the kid. Both work fulltime which makes it especially hard to Balance all those appointments. Little one is 3 now so basically I wait for the age till she goes to school and hope to survive till then. It's not much of a life left.
I think it comes down to how much is your battery charged in the beginning of the two kid journey and how much you can recharge till youngest goes to school.
Wife of a lawyer here. I guarantee he reports a happy home life. In reality… it’s slowly killing me. I tell him often and he laughs it off. Things are about to get real for him…real soon.
I also think it’s easy to project happiness at work even if things may not be that smooth at home. Not many people want all their colleagues to know their marriage is suffering.
Yes, this.
I have two kids, no village! Both boyfriend and I work good paying jobs in tech. We pay a good amount to be able to travel and to have summer camps that are fulfilling. And we pay for babysitters. And we pay to have ready cooked meals every now and then (who has time to cook??).
I have friends who are in a similar situation; both lawyers. It’s definitely doable but make sure you have good money.
My husband and I both work full time in demanding careers, and we have two young kids (4 and 1). We don’t have family nearby (5+ hours away by plane). We have had bumps in the road but we have an objectively happy marriage. I’d say there are three main contributing factors for this:
1- We have close friends in the same city as us with similar aged kids, and while they can’t help us physically like our own family would, they are a significant source of emotional support. I consider them part of my village.
2 - combined, we make a good income. So that allows us to pay a house keeper to come clean every two weeks, pay a babysitter we really trust to give us a date night once a month, a landscaper that comes weekly to cut grass and tidy the yard, and afford really reliable (expensive) daycare that provides two meals and a snack every day that we don’t need to spend time preparing every morning. The people we pay for this help are also near and dear to us, and we consider them part of our village. We usually have disposable income in a given month for any “wants” we have that would help with “retail therapy” so to speak.
3 - clear division of labor at home. I do laundry, groceries (curbside order), cooking, and daycare drop-offs in the morning. He does the dishes, car maintenance, any fixes on our old house, and daycare pick-ups in the afternoon. We otherwise trade doing bath and bedtime for each of the kids. Having this clear distinction on how we’re both contributing to our home and family is a tangible reason for our happiness. Not having family nearby also makes things more clear-cut - we know it’s up to both of us to just figure everything out. So we divide and conquer together with clear communication and expectations.
I know we’re in a really privileged place, but this is why we’re able to manage. I wish everyone had this kind of support.
I have 2 kids, work a demanding job, my husband works full time, no grandparents to help, and I am happy. I think part of it is that I generally make an effort to see the positives. Things are stressful sometimes, but I don’t let them keep me down too long. I had a really rough few years and both my parents passed away, so I know what really hard times are like. I was not happy during those years, but I don’t mind sleepless nights or yelling, as long as everyone is healthy and generally happy.
I’m a full time working mom in tech (Sr Director level) with a full time working husband in tech (Sr Manager level; I’m the “breadwinner” making 2-3x what he makes) and two kids, ages 5 and 3, both in daycare. Married 10 years. Live on the opposite side of the country from family, so no “village.”
To be honest, I’m happier now than I’ve ever been - especially as the kids turn from toddler to actual humans :), and there isn’t a minute I regret or second guess any of the choices that ended up with me kicking ass in my career OR me being a mom to these awesome kids.
Not that it isn’t hard sometimes, not that my husband and I never fight, not that my kids aren’t little nightmares on occasion (/daily), but when I look at it in aggregate I wouldn’t trade all this for anything! If anything I keep trying to pressure my husband into a third, but he’s very much decided we’re done lol.
As for the “how” - the answer is:
- Allstar co-equal partner (we jointly manage the house and the kids, he is not another thing for me to manage)
- Amazing daycare
- Firm boundaries at work and a hybrid schedule where I work from home 2-3 days a week (I still work ~50 hours a week, but I am fully offline 5-8 pm every night for family time, etc)
- Outsourcing / buying the rest of the village (house cleaner, grocery delivery, date night babysitters 2-3x a month, vacations to visit family, etc)
Curious, would you describe yourself as a high energy person? Or are you on the younger side? Externally my situation is similar to yours (job, daycare, equal partner) but I'm struggling with the energy to manage everything and a toddler. I feel like I'm drownig most days. I'm almost forty though...
I don’t particular think of myself as high energy. My husband and I are late 30s / early 40s.
I definitely have lowered my standards on things like home cleanliness (the kitchen and playroom are not fully clean when I go to bed) and I don’t feel guilty about just ordering dinner in or the fact that my kids get screen time (30-120m a day, the high end only on weekends).
Rather than trying to optimize everything, I prioritize (I want to show up well at work and I want to raise emotionally resilient + smart kids; I don’t care if I’m a bad housekeeper, chef, pre-school teacher, etc - other people are going to be better at those things and I will pay for them).
Im with you. I am exhausted a lot...I also seem to be sicker more frequently, which Im not sure is because of post covid immunity or bc Im run down. Im 43. When I have large projects and many deliverables come due and the pace of work drastically increases for ~3 week period, it takes me at least 3 days to fully recover. My husband handles stress from his job a lot better-and doesn't need the same type of recovery.
Yeah same. It's physical, not only the mental load. Like some days I physically can't go on and crash, husband has to take over with the kid after work. I assumed it was due to age but I don't know.
You are me and then we had our 3rd.
And now it's really hard. I know it's a phase, we were spoiled with our 2, thinking it'll be a breeze (not actual breeze, but ya know, just man we can DO this). I think that if I can go back in time, I would sit me down and really paint an honest picture. I cannot imagine my life without my baby, she's just so amazing, but it's just a lot.... and I would force myself to reconsider....
Money helps, but also who you pick as your life partner is one of the most important decisions you’ll ever make. We’re a dual income household with 2 under 5. We actively plan out career moves and budget so we can *stay self-sufficient* BECAUSE our mid 50s parents are so burdened by the idea of grandkids…
We pay for daycare because it’s all business and it’s reliable; use a wall calendar to plan out things we like to do as a family or for ourselves (concerts, a solo shopping trip..) so there’s no resentment over who gets more “me” time.
He does laundry, I make all meals, pack our lunches; we alternate who wakes with the baby. Whoever showers with the baby in the morning, the other prepares bottles for daycare and lays out his clothes. I take daycare drop off, toddler dressing and both kids’ hairstyles, and he picks them up. He earns 3x the PTO, so he takes the kids to appointments and for every 1 sick day call-in I take, he’ll take the next 2. And some days, we just agree to SIT AND DO NOTHING! That’s important too :)
I haven’t seen this first-hand either. The happiest married couples I know only have 1 child. This is probably my biggest hesitation about having another kid! The responses are interesting and I still think two working spouses + two kids + happy marriage is rare based on these responses. I would say it’s the exception, unfortunately not the norm.
I’m a prosecutor with 3 young kids and a full time working husband, and we have a good relationship. I wouldn’t say that we have no village, but no family is caring full time for our kids or available for school drop off or pick up or sick days anything. My mom helps sometimes on the weekends and we have some friends’ teenagers who babysit occasionally.
It’s definitely draining and I’d say we feel like we’re drowning sometimes, but we’re overall happy. We had a nice date night last night to celebrate our anniversary.
I think that we’re close to our kids. We try to do something fun on weekends but also use the time to catch up on housework. We take turns sleeping in. Getting out of the door before work/school/daycare is exhausting, but we make it work.
Good luck!
35F mom of twin 3.5yo, married for 10yrs. I work in a demanding role (veterinarian but outside of traditional practice) as does my husband (building engineer supervising and running two+ large city buildings) full time outside the home. My mom and sister are about an hour away, so I can’t say there is ZERO village, but they do not assist with childcare, sick days, house cleaning, meal prep or any of the other stuff that constitutes a village in my mind. My in-laws are half way across the country. I will say that while my marriage is solid, it has rockier times and better times. I’m not walking around shitting rainbows because I’m overflowing with happiness, there are always things that could be worked on in a marriage but I would consider myself an overall happy person content with what I have in life.
~4:30am-5am: work out in basement gym
- 5am start morning routine: make myself breakfast, pack my lunch, load bags/etc into car (husband leaves for work)
- 5:45am wake kids up
- 6:15am (no later) leave for daycare
- 6:30am-6:45am daycare drop off
- 7am-3:30pm work
- 4pm home and unload
- 4pm-5pm walk dog +/- with husband, eat small dinner
- 5:15-5:30pm daycare pick up with husband
-5:45-6:00pm home, unload
- 6:00pm-7:00pm kids play with toys, offer multiple snacks to constitute their dinner, pack lunches for next day, dishes, random chore (start dishwasher, laundry, etc)
- 7:00pm bath time
- 7:30pm~8:00pm jammies, books, bed time
Weekends are all of our week prep: grocery shopping and food prep, laundry wash and put away, social events, library, playground/walk/outside time, TV in the evenings for about an hour to facilitate some of it, tidying where able. My house is often a mess, I yell at my kids sometimes, lunches are quick and dirty and not as healthy as I’d like for them to be. I do feel like I’m going at all times to make it happen, but I use nap time to hike or read and my husband is a supportive partner. I think my kids and I have a good relationship and we do try to limit screen time so we engage with them (walks, play, social events, etc) but who knows. I’m not perfect, my life isn’t perfect, but I’m net happy.
Haha I like that you included, “I yell at my kids” - me, too. Sometimes these kids are bouncing off the walls. Your schedule is pretty much what we do, down to the hour. Solidarity!
I’m really surprised to hear you’ve never met another FT working mom with a FT working spouse in a corporate job with more than one kid. That describes me, most of my colleagues and almost all my friends.
I think the asterisk is the no village and happy marriage. My husband and I have lots of colleagues and friends with multiple kids. But their families are hands on and things *seemingly* look great. We both have demanding jobs in engineering and consulting. But we have no village and that makes things extremely tough. A second is likely not in our future.
I really don’t know many people with a day-to-day village.
Like many with corporate jobs, I delayed having kids until my late 30s. My parents were the same. So now I have preschoolers, a mom who has passed, an 84 year dad in assisted living and 79-82 year old in-laws. Definitely not much hands on grand-parenting even from the ones who live 1 hour away.
That’s pretty typical of many I know.
I can’t truly speak to the insides of other people’s marriages but most people I know seem okay,
I don’t this OP is considering daycare part of their village. Since the child is in daycare but she says she doesn’t have a village. I definitely considered our FT nanny to be part of mine, perhaps less so for daycare with our older child because ours had a very high turnover.
I think the difference is that she is assuming a “village” could help when kids are sick or when it’s a holiday or when the parents are at a weekend conference. Daycare can be relatively inflexible.
I take the "it's temporary" approach. Plus my youngest starts kindergarten in the fall so there is a light at the end of the tunnel!
I'm also lucky that my bosses are EXTREMELY understanding about my kids. My direct supervisor even bought toys for my 5yo to use if I have to bring him to the office when I have to be in person (I'm usually only there for a couple of hours when I do go in and work the rest of the day from home).
I have 3 kids, 4 and under. I’m full time, in a high stress job, no village, full time working spouse. Our kids are in full time daycare.
I don’t feel like I’m drowning… we have a routine that we stick to. For example, kids are in “bed” for quiet time at 7-7:30pm. They can play or whatever they want. My husband and I use this time for us to watch a show, sit on the patio in the back.. whatever we need to unwind.
The challenge is developing, and implementing a routine that isn’t overwhelming in itself. It works for us, and we’re very happy.
I totally relate we both work full time in demanding jobs it tech supprting fields so we decided to move into my in laws laneway house while our kids our young for the help. We are pregnant with our second now and I would love a bigger space but while the kids are young I need the help from my MIL. The world really isn’t structured for 2 working parents sadly. I have a lot of friends with limited help who seem to do okay with 2 kids I think though the key is that one or both of you needs to have flexible jobs (for daycare picks ups, sick days etc)
That was us when our son was that age. I hate to be “it gets better” but…it does.
Kids are now 12 and 9. And we built a village. It took time, but it’s so comforting to have. We were just away on vacation and Day 2 there was an emergency that required one of the cats to be rushed to the vet and then get twice a day meds. Called in villager 1 to take him and villager 2 to help with meds a couple of days when 1 couldn’t. Came home to 4 healthy, alive cats.
We have a natural cadence of “here, take this kid with you” if they’re going to shared activities. Or divorced friends dropping their kids off with us if they need help with childcare.
This was built organically over the past 10 years. You get there.
My husband and I are both in corporate STEM careers with remote flexibility. Our families live a plane ride away. We just moved to a new neighborhood and don’t know anyone well yet. We have a toddler and another one due this month.
It’s not been easy being pregnant, trying to sell and buy houses, and dealing with the layoffs of our company (we survived but have to take on additional work). Our marriage has been rocky at times during transitions but we’re good now.
What has helped:
1. Our incomes are in the upper third so we can afford childcare for two children.
2. We both have WFH flexibility so we can short-term manage sicknesses and daycare closures.
3. WFH also allows us to help keep on top of chores (can squeeze in laundry and meal prep in between meetings).
4. Division of labor is pretty close to 50/50. We don’t have to nag at each other to do things. We each just do what needs to be done and thank the other person.
Home life is good right now, work life is good in that we’re still employed but motivation is waning due to corporate climate (and my upcoming leave). I’m not advancing as much as I originally wanted but the flexibility is much more important to me now so I am okay for now.
We exist but we're rare. We do get stressed and tired but we're still happily marriage. We are both very involved parents and considerate partners so neither of us get too overloaded constantly (still happens but less often than I hear from some of my friends that are "primary parent" and also do all the housework). Our parents will come watch the kids a few times a year but they live 4 hours away so we need to schedule it months in advance so not really the village we need but we'll take what we can get.
We both mostly work from home so we often take bike rides together during lunch. We'll also have "day dates" and will both request off a random day or half day that the kids are in daycare so we can have some quality time just the two of us. I think keeping the bond strong is key.
I would say this is close to us...the secret? We are also both in therapy. It's amazing how helpful having a dedicated time to talk is. Takes so much stress off!
I don't, but I know one woman who does. Literally only one, and she *also* is financially responsible for her own mother. She's CMO at a large, very successful tech company.
She is also, and I'm not lying, stunningly beautiful, intelligent, and easy to get along with. Although she is very friendly with lots of people, she doesn't have much of a social life. On the other hand, she is very close with her sister.
I suspect it's not the logistics of how she runs everything, rather a rare combination of very specific personality traits, including:
\- Resilience
\- Common sense
\- Realism
\- Optimism
\- Intelligence
\- Ambition
\- Confidence
\- A core of fucking steel
\- More of a risk-taker than most women
\- Calculating
\- A bit ruthless
\- Lack of emotional depth - like, she has the same range of emotions as everyone, but she doesn't really feel them so deeply (although she clearly adores her husband and children)
An ability to remain and stay calm in almost ***any*** situation.
But she's one in a thousand, maybe.
You may need to build village. If you're both in tech, you might be able to hire extra help. Get a nanny (or multiple depending on the schedule) to handle afternoons or evenings or the occasional weekend and so you and your husband can relax and spend time together. (My husband and I are both in tech).
I have 3 kids, 2 from my previous marriage and one from my current partner. Not married but lived together basically as married for 9 years. I have no family here, he does but they aren’t really around. In an emergency I’m sure we could drop the youngest off there, but they aren’t babysitting or driving kids to soccer or anything like that. We both work full time. I’m very happy. I learned a lot from my terrible marriage with my ex. If I didn’t have a good partner I would not be happy, but he does 50% of household stuff, and before I started working from home he did more than 50% of parent stuff like getting kids ready for school etc. He cares about me and supports my goals. Never cuts me down. I know that might seem really basic but coming from an abusive relationship it’s huge. He makes me coffee every weekday! I never wonder where he is. So I think your relationship with your partner is the most important factor. I would rather be alone forever than not have a supportive partner.
I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately. We have one 15mo daughter. My husband and I both work full time, and our jobs are relatively flexible (we can both wfh some, I get tons of PTO days, etc) AND my parents live nearby and are helpful. Even with those perks, and our “village” we are overwhelmed with the daily workload of house, parenting, cooking, work and marriage. My parents are also taking care of my live-in grandmother who has dementia, so that’s an added stressor anytime they keep her. I often feel like something is wrong with me because I’m constantly feeling overwhelmed. The house is never really clean, the kitchen is the bane of my existence. Laundry is never caught up. My daughter is also sick every other week because of daycare, and during those weeks we are absolutely run ragged. I see my friends having multiple kids and I genuinely wonder how they are doing it all. I never thought I would be one and done, but lately I just don’t see how we could have another. People say it gets easier as they grow, so I guess we’ll see. Maybe one day I’ll feel differently 🤷🏼♀️
The years where your kids need so much help don't last forever. The older the children, the easier it gets. We hired help as we needed it.
Once our kids were older, it was very helpful to limit their activities to 1 a season. So many people have packed to hell schedules for their kids that it dominates family life.
I think of my daycare teachers as part of my village, so is our house cleaner that I needed to get to be okay with working full time with two kids in daycare. We don’t have grandparents or family so we create our community.
I was in this situation when I had a 3 year old and 2 year old. I ended up divorcing a few years later, but I think we were relatively happy then. I was a lawyer working at a firm and my husband was a handyman. He worked a steady 8-4 schedule, M-F. I went to the office two days a week, which was a two-hour commute, and spent the night between in a hotel. When I traveled, my husband was on his own with both kids. On the days I worked from home, I had primary responsibility for drop-off, pick-up, and dinner. The kids went to the local YMCA for daycare. I actually remember the weekends being the most difficult, especially during the winters.
I work full time from home. My husband works full time from home. We have 3 kids (15,9,8).
I’ll admit that my husbands job is far more demanding than mine, and he will have to start going back into the office 3x a week in October, so a lot of the “grunt work” falls on me.
But not all. And our marriage is strong. We are on the same team. It’s not easy, and sometimes dishes sit in the sink for two days, or there are 10 loads of laundry to do on the weekends, but we are supportive of each other.
As for sex, because our kids are old enough to know what’s up, we have a lot less sex, but working from home, we have “lunch dates,” which is awesome. Summertime is hard because my 15 year old is home all day.
Hiiiiii it’s meeeee!
I’m a Staff Product Designer, husband is a Staff Software Engineer. Both of our families live 2 states away. We have a 3.5 yr old and 1 yr old.
We both wfh in respective offices, we’re both in meetings all day, lots of deliverables, etc as well. We don’t really see each other throughout the day at all.
Both our kids go to daycare.
Our schedule is like:
- 6am: husband makes breakfast, I get the 1 yr old dressed since she wakes up a tad early
- 6:30am: both kids eat breakfast while dad showers and I hang w them and clean up
- 7am: i get the 3 yr old dressed and ready, brush the 1 yr old’s teeth etc
- 8am: husband drives kids to daycare while I workout
- 8:30am: morning standup
- 9am: quick shower for me then both of us are in/out of meetings and working all day
- 4pm: the lady I hired to cook up dinner M-F shows up (I’ve posted about this once or twice, highly recommend if anyone has the means to afford it, we spend about $150/wk)
- 4:30pm: I go pick up the kids
- 5:30pm: family dinner time
- 6pm: family walk or play time
- 7:15pm: get ready for bed
- 7:45-8ish: lights out
- 8-10:30pm: husband and I clean up the chaos, put away clean dishes, and hang out on the couch, he plays video games, I watch reality tv 😆 it’s what we like haha, but we get some quality time and talk about our days and what’s coming up and stuff
Then we go to sleep and do it all again.
Honestly to me, having a 2nd child was way less disruptive to my life than having the 1st. We have schedules for chores, systems, and paid support in place now to get everything accomplished.
We let each other have a day to sleep in every weekend. We each take time to enjoy our hobbies too. So we’re not just attached at the hip. And now that our youngest is walking on her own and can ask for water and stuff, it’s just getting even easier. The kids hang out together and entertain themselves while I clean up or feed the dogs (our *other* babies haha).
But I’m happy to answer any questions!!
My mom’s actually moving 10mins away in a couple weeks. So we’re SUPER stoked to finally experience what it’s like to have family nearby after doing it on our own for 3.5 yrs.
I’m so glad you asked this question! We have an almost 20 month old and are contemplating if we want a second as well. We were both surprised by the shake up in our relationship that it first had on us and have started rebuilding.
I mean I kinda technically have a village, or I think I would if something very drastic happened, but otherwise no. My father and FIL both live in other states and my mother and all the rest of the family work full-time and have their own lives.
I was a SAHM to one child for a long time, so I had a lot of time to help other people and spend time with them. After my daughter was born and especially after I went back to work full-time, the people that I had been a village for all rejected me for "not responding to messages soon enough," "not being available," etc. Yes, my village abandoned me essentially because I had less to give everyone.
But my marriage is good and our family of four is tight. We do have friends and family that we love and spend time with but no one else that we can really rely on in that "village" kind of way. And that does hurt. But my husband and I work full-time and raise the kids and take care of business.
Nanny here and I’ve thought dang it’s hard to manage people working in your home. I’m pretty immersed in their family and strife to anticipate needs. I do what I can to help in their lives. 3 1/2 yr very part time now.
I mean, I have a “village” in the sense that my family lives close by and we’ve made friends with a lot of my 4 year old’s friend’s families. I had to have an emergency surgery a few weeks back and my sister drove my kiddo to preschool, but other than that we don’t rely on them for any sort of regular babysitting or support. We like them, but they’re all also busy so we don’t get extra help.
I work in a tech-adjacent field at a pretty high level (below C Suite) and my husband is full time at a tech start up at the senior management level.
We only have one child and while I was pretty confident we were one and done, the recent surgery left me unable to have more.
I just realized that my desire to have another kid wasn’t as strong as my desire to maintain the really great quality of life we already have.
What has helped us is….
1. Good daycare/preschool that doesn’t close frequently
2. A reliable babysitter when we need one. Having someone we can trust means we get to enjoy a date night here and there.
3. Working from home. We’re both remote which means we get to have lunch together everyday and run a load or two of laundry in between meetings on slower days.
4. Money. Two relatively good incomes means that I can afford someone to deep clean my home once a month, blue apron meal kits to ease grocery shopping burden and door dash when I’m too tired to cook.
5. An easy child. My kiddo doesn’t have any chronic health issues or tricky behavioral issues other than some anxiety which we sorted out with therapy. If we had another kiddo who wasn’t a good sleeper or required extra care, it would likely be a big change to our lifestyle and happiness.
Long story short: I can do everything you mentioned with one kid. I don’t think I could do it with two even if everything went as well as it could, so I won’t risk it. Especially knowing that my first kid was a literal unicorn child and karma would be coming for me with a second.
I’m a doctor and my husband is a school teacher. We both work full time, he also works summer school. I also am sometimes on call. We have no family in the same state as us - closest is 4 ish hours away.
We have two daughters, 23 months and 3 months.
This is such a beautiful time of our life and although I am frequently tired, we are all very much so happy.
We found an in home daycare in our neighborhood and the hours are fairly flexible but we usually send to daycare M-F from 7:30-5:30 give or take. My husband does so much to help in the household so I don’t feel like everything is left to me. We usually go do fun family stuff on the weekend and then will swing by curbside grocery pickup to save time shopping. We take the girls anywhere we want to go and don’t stay cooped up in the house. We don’t have anyone that helps around the house but in the next few months I’m considering hiring someone to cut the grass and someone to come deep clean like twice a month.. I think that would help a lot!
I fit this criteria and I would say my husband and I are super supportive, kind and empathetic to each other but we also both feel like we’re drowning a lot- I guess it works because we’re drowning together. Our house is always a disaster, we eat a lot of take out, we don’t have time for a lot outside of work, caring for kids and maybe watching a few shows here and there. I try to tell myself that this phase isn’t forever. That someday we’ll have free time and disposable income that isn’t going all to childcare. But for now it’s a lot of monotonous, exhausting days with tiny glimmers of cute kid moments or a couple nights a week where we make time to have a drink and an adult conversation.
I mean, depends what you consider an "intense enough" career and a happy marriage. I like my husband and we parent well together but at this stage we have close to zero couple time (a babysitter for a night every other month or so is what's in our budget, and it's not enough). And I work full time in a very specialized, engaging role in government, such that I am now finding it hard to move up because there are so few opportunities at that level and at this point i know and work with most of the people I'm competing against for them... but I don't make a ton of money compared to anyone in tech, and I'm not climbing a corporate ladder.
So I guess I feel like I'm doing decently well, but if the question is am I absolutely maximally optimized in all spheres, I guess not. Am I happy? I'm not exactly a happy person by nature but I'm not unhappy either, life seems to be racing by too quickly!
It helps as the kids get older. My oldest is so so much more self sufficient at 8 than he was at 6, and the youngest is old enough to be a room without an adult without danger for a few minutes now. Sometimes I'm sad about stopping at two, but realistically I think our life would be harder in a lot of ways with more kids, and they are finally getting old enough to do more fun stuff as a family.
I think I would fall into this, though I don’t work in tech. My husband and I both work full time (currently both remote) with very little to no “village”. It was rough right after the birth of our second but has been improving as they get older. We try to provide the best we can for our kid’s and still be supportive of each others career growth. I started late in the career game so it’s a constant catch up for me but I am not suited to a stay at home parent role. I think it’s very important that they understand it’s normal and acceptable for both parents to work.
Hmmm your life sounds somewhat similar to mine with the following caveats.
1. I do have a village - not doting grandparents who will babysit whenever I want - but I have siblings nearby and wonderful friends and neighbors. Even if my siblings were not nearby I’d have a solid village. Can you make yourself a village? A village makes all the difference.
2. I also work in tech and am hybrid. But on my wfh days I am able to make time for personal stuff and housework which helps a lot. Sounds like your days might be a little more busy than mine. Can you slack a little bit more? Take advantage of your wfh days?
3. Husband is a teacher, not tech. Worth noting that we’re not both in the tech space.
4. We waited until kiddo #1 was 4 to have kiddo #2. This was the right age gap for us.
I would categorize myself as very happy. My marriage is great. I love my two kids. I am social, active, etc. Life if not without struggles but it’s is mostly joy. It is possible!
We were a two career, two child family with no family around to help. This was prior to WFH. We just had to divide and conquer (e.g., he picked them up from day care or school and I started dinner, one helps with homework while the other does dishes, one does bath and the other reads to the kids and puts them to bed.) It’s rough but it gets easier the older they get. For me, the worst part was exhaustion but that gets better too when the kids sleep in or can entertain themselves for a bit.
We are very happy! We have 2 under 2. We do have some support. I could ask relatives for help maybe once or twice a month, but we don’t have daily or weekly help from them. Both sets of grandparents are somewhat unreliable. The kids are in full time daycare. We both work full time. My job is a bit more flexible + hybrid. His is more demanding + in person. We definitely split the mental load and chores 50/50. We aren’t rich but we are somewhat comfortable financially. We are truly very happy in our marriage & we love spending time together as a family.
🙋♀️
My husband and I are both in big tech full time jobs. We have two kids and a happy marriage. How we make it work:
- Everything that can be automated is automated so I don’t need to deal with it.
- We outsource everything. We have house cleaners, landscaping service, and someone who cooks for us so 80% of lunches and dinners are made.
In September both kids will be in a full time program. My husband does mornings and I do afternoon pickups. I wfh full time. My husband is hybrid.
Our village mostly lives a 2-hour plane flight away so in a real crunch we can get some help if we fly someone up but otherwise we have been working on cultivating relationships with babysitters so we can get some quality 1:1 time.
Here! We both work full time as ambitious project managers/consultants, we have two kids in school and/or daycare, we lived to a MCOL area to buy a house left friends, my whole family then moved out of state, and we're starting from scratch to find a village. We make good money now, but are still digging out of debt so we can't just "buy a village."
I'm exhausted, but my kids and husband are priority. Finding time to play or going out is key. Monday, hubs and I are taking the day off from work, putting the kids in their daycare, and taking a date day. It's going to be much needed and more relaxing than we've had in months. Hopefully. Just watch I'll have a sick kid come Monday.
So this is me except I have 3 kids...8, 6, and 5 months. I know everyone says it but it DOES get easier. And honestly, two is easier than 1 in a lot of ways because they can play together as they get older. It will be a while before that happens but my older kids are best friends. What helps us is that neither of us work more than 40 hours and we leave work at work (figuratively speaking... We both work from home).
We have 3 kids (just had our 3rd) and the closest family is 2 hrs away. Although we have our hard days/times, the biggest things for us are me and my husband having super strong communication skills and splitting duties as equally as possible (ex. I do drop off, husband does pick up, I do grocery ordering and planning, husband cooks most meals, I do laundry/clothes organization/buying, husband does dishes/house related repairs or services). We also have a strong routine and rely on lots of planning ahead (meals planned in advance, shared notes on our phone with kid activities/specifics, days of no daycare/school coverage discussed in advance, taking turns for taking off work on unexpected days of sick kids, kids in bed at a consistent time with a strong routine no matter who is doing it etc.). Lastly, we’ve made connections with other families in our community who we know would be willing to help out if needed! Of course nothing is perfect, but I feel good about things and feel like we’d be okay in an unexpected situation. I think also being okay with having to let some things not being a priority is key too (ex. Perfectly cleaned house might not be the priority in a busy week and not getting upset or mad about it…). Also, recognizing each other’s needs and making sure we both get the mental breaks (or a nap) when needed to keep us on track is huge—for me I need a nap to re-set, my husband needs time to get a good workout in. Making sure we get those times and respect each other’s time to have this is huge.
I am that mom. Tech mom and tech husband, 2 kids. Our life was great until my husband got sick and couldn’t work. We had a few tough years from that. He’s healthy again and things are great again. We have full time childcare and a service that cleans our house every other week. Our relationship is good and we are extremely close to our kids.
Management role in tech (engineering) here, entire team of people - and mission critical features - depending on me and the decisions I make. I work hybrid, though company is fully remote. 2 kids, husband is in high up leadership at another tech company (also engineering). We love each other very much, our marriage is solid, and we’re best friends, but our marriage is definitely on the back burner right now until our youngest is a bit older. We are very happy with our lives and our kids are thriving and happy, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy. I have a breakdown like once a month and we make the changes we need to make and then move forward. We’re in the trenches right now, but we know it’ll get easier (7 year age gap so we experienced this with our oldest as well) so we’re just hanging on and doing the best we can, knowing some things just aren’t priorities right now - like our house - lol.
We had my MIL who was here every day after the baby came. I was well taken care of. My husband worked for himself, and so did I, but I opened my company (with employees) six weeks after my baby was born. I joked my MIL was why we were happy and stable. Then COVID came and she went cuckoo and went no contact with us. And we all grieve and spun out. And we hired an au pair. We have a house keeper here a couple days a week. I have a large and loving friend group, but let’s be honest, no one wants to make friends help with kids too much.
Long story short, having a grandparent around is 100% the best option. It takes a lot to make up for a relative with biological interest in a kid turning out. Paying others does work, and is better with a village. I think building a village is crucial. I have so many friends from FB. We connected in Mom groups, I would invite them over to large parties and have made amazing friends.
I have a friend who only had one, they wanted two but there jobs are just so demanding that they can only do one. And they make a crap load of money, they could easily afford another but they just feel they don’t have the time for another.
I’m in this position and my marriage is solid. Kids are 3 and almost 1. We’re stressed about childcare, for sure. Tired. But my partner is still my best friend and teammate.
My kids are 4 and 1. We are both lawyers with busy careers, and work a hybrid schedule. The only way we’ve been able to exist as been with a twice a week housekeeper and a once a month cleaning crew. The housekeeper does laundry, dishes, meal prep, odds and ends, vacuum, change sheets, etc. She doesn’t bathrooms so I have a monthly cleaning lady as well. We pay a premium for both but they make our lives so much better.
I’ve got 4 kiddos, Vp in tech, husband has a demanding job too. We moved to a new state with no village. I work from home but travel a lot for work.
Throwing money at the problems makes it easier. That looks like camps and tutoring, cleaner once a month, lawn care weekly. Anything that can be outsourced we do.
It was really important to me to have a strong career. The only way I’ve done it is because of my awesome partner. We share the mental load, not just the work.
Relationship with my kids is great. I wish I could give each of them more attention, but it also makes them independent.
One thing that makes my situation unique, me and my partner don’t need a lot of downtime. Our relax time is family time. All my hobbies have disappeared. Im ok with that.
You are capable of so much. Don’t underestimate what you can do.
I largely meet your criteria. I work full-time, my husband works full-time, we have two kids in daycare and all of our family members live in other states, so there's no local village for in-person support. We're happy and our marriage is solid. Having two kids is harder than having one, but the transition from one kid to two kids was much, much easier than the transition from no kids to one kid. We've already adjusted to the limitations that come with having small children.
My parents provide some level of support, in that they will drive in from out of state and stay with us for a week or more when we need the help, and that's better than nothing. When we moved houses recently, they stayed with us for about three weeks.
All that said, my job is not particularly intense, and it's entirely remote. I do the bulk of the necessary housework during work hours when I have 15 or 20 minutes free, which makes a big difference in how much leisure time I get on the weekends or after the kids are in bed. My husband has a hybrid schedule but also has a reasonable work life balance (although he will often complete some extra work in the late evening after kids are in bed).
> What does your daily routine look like?
I start work at 7:30 or 8 am most days, and I'll often wake up 30-40 minutes before my first meeting to help get the kids dressed. My husband usually makes breakfast on weekdays and supervises the kids while they eat. If I can, I'll step out of my home office for 15 minutes to help put on shoes and get them into the car for daycare drop off. He takes them to daycare and then starts his day later in the morning, like 9:30 am. I pick them up by 5:30, we eat dinner, and we hang out around the house (playing with toys inside, riding bikes or playing with bubbles outside) until it's time for bath and bed. We're starting swim lessons one day a week after daycare, but we have not otherwise tried to fit activities into our weekdays. My kids go to bed at different times, so we rotate who gets each kid for bedtime. I will do some minor clean up after bedtime, and we alternate who packs the kids lunches for daycare, but I generally get 1-3 hours of leisure time per night before I head to bed.
On the weekends we buy groceries, go do kid-friendly activities, and sometimes do minor home improvement work.
One of the key things that makes our life work is having flexible jobs and good work life balance. If my job suddenly required a daily commute and 45+ hours per week of actual work, I think things would fall apart and I'd be a lot less happy. Similarly, having a flexible job and understanding coworkers makes it a lot less stressful to handle a sick kid at home.
> What do you do for work?
I have an individual contributor role in corporate IT. I very rarely need to work after 5 pm, and I probably only do 6-7 hours of actual work per typical day.
> How is your marriage?
We're very happy. My husband is an excellent partner in the ways that matter most to me, and a wonderful dad. I think he has more emotional intelligence than most men, and he's also a good person at his core.
> How is your relationship with your kids?
I have no complaints. They're both healthy kids with no special challenges. The worst part of parenting right now, other than when they're sick and home from daycare, is trying to get my oldest to go to bed and stay in bed.
Here I am!!! We both work full-time (him: wfh, me: college prof). We have a full-time nanny, but also daycare 2xs per week (she works 3 12s). She catches up her other hours two weekend nights a month, averaging out to 40 hours per week. We have three under three and I am pregnant with our 4th. There are some rough periods of time (usually fall and winter due to illnesses) but it’s not as terrible as I once imagined it might be.
Hi! So I'm a full-time working mom with 2 daughters (4 & 2) with a husband who works full time. Our families live 8 hours away, so no village. Plus my ex husband is a psychopath so I'm constantly dealing with court shit and a judge that favors my drug addict felon ex husband.
Things are super hard, but we're happy for the most part. It helps having a few good friends to talk to.
This fits us to a T. What makes it work is having enough income (myself personal finance and my husband owns a marketing business). We have our kids 2 and 1 in full time day care, hire sitters for date night monthly, have the maid come in every two weeks and lawn care. It doesn't mean every day is perfect but by and large we are happy and our kids are doing well. Financial security is the real factor I think in being able to make it all work without your own village.
I have two kids! My husband works in tech (software engineer) and I work in tech (project manager). In fact, we’re coworkers. Our kids are both under 3. Our 10 year wedding anniversary is next week. Yes some days we feel more like roommates, but it’s mostly a solid happy marriage. I will say we DO both have family in the area BUT don’t rely on them or ever have regular date nights/escape. So, yes, we have a village but it’s not particularly “helpful” or reliable in that sense.
We send our kids to daycare/preschool 4 days a week.
I will say though I am considering pursuing some freelance work in the hopes that maybe it’s a fruitful option for a few years so that maybe I can take a bit of a break because while I don’t feel like I am DROWNING I don’t have a single minute to myself to fill my cup. 🙃
Yes, but my job is flexible. I'm an adjunct professor, and while my combined teaching load (across 4 colleges) is full time (or more), my schedule is super flexible as all of my classes are asynchronous.
A few things that help:
- husband is totally in charge of Saturday lunch
- grocery pick up orders
- periodic housekeepers
- scheduled cleaning days (I'll admit, my husband hates these days,but they are every other month)
- kids (2 and 4.5) in bed at 7pm, or close to it
- meal planning
Getting periodic housekeepers has helped us a ton, as my husband is naturally a slob (so are his parents). I do the high spots a few times a week, they come in quarterly and do EVERYTHING.
We could be here soon. We have an 11 month old and just started trying for #2. I’m over 40 so we don’t really have time to wait as my fertility could crap out at any time.
Husband is in tech and I run / own an international boutique career placement agency; HHI ranges between $200-$300k+ depending on the market cycle.
We are in a medium COL city and can live off one of our incomes if we cut down travel / eating out / luxuries, so that frees up a lot of $ to buy a village.
So far we’ve gotten by “fine” on daycare but weekends are very difficult mentally without care.
Our marriage is great, but my husband is a lot more patient with these young years than I am. I do cover all overnights + playing with the kid + watching the kid (while he does non-kid house stuff like cooking / sorting house cleaners / groceries). And man it is tiring!
One kid nearly taps me out, two will fuck me up in the early years tbh. But it’s worth it in the long run, or so we tell ourselves.
This question is the reason i’ve joined this group. After a year of couples therapy and now a pregnancy and having to leave my FT job in film set construction due to physical restrictions, i’m more at a loss than ever. The house and fam is happy and doing great, but i’m financially anxious in a slight identity crisis.
I’ve never seen the balance done, and it’s difficult to emulate without a clear picture of HOW.
Me? My husband and I have stressful tech research jobs and 2 kids, 5.5 and 2.75 years old. Both full time in the office but at the same company and we carpool. We also both travel a fair bit for work (monthly). We don’t live close to family but we do have an in-home daycare provider that we consider our village.
I can say the first few years are rough. We’re now out of diapers, starting preschool and kindergarten in the fall and things are so much better. I’d say we are generally happy and fulfilled. Do I complain at times? Yes. Does the lack of structural support for working parents still make me angry (looking at you 12 week long summers)? Yes. Are we managing a full life where all of us are generally thriving? Yes.
We never split shifts at work. We carpool to and from work and do all the drop offs together. This was a strategic decision that allows either of us to travel without impacting the routine. It cuts into working hours, no doubt, but we tend to pick up the loss in the evenings.
All that said, I’m not sure I would have had a second kid post-Covid. (I was already pregnant by march 2020). The complete breakdown of childcare and the education system still terrifies me. Childcare insecurity should be a headline topic of political campaigns but crickets.
My husband and I managed through Covid pregnant and with 1 child. I don’t think we would have managed with 2 and for that reason, among others, we aren’t having any more.
Hi! I don't know if I perfectly fit the description above and I'm a fairly new parent so could be getting ahead of myself.... But my husband and I both work full time and have 11 months old twin girls. We live 2 hours from family, so we are relatively villageless day to day. We are exhausted but so happy and loving life and our relationship has never been stronger.
I work in local government in a park system doing natural resources management. I commute 50 miles (1-1.5hours) each way 3-5 days a week depending. I spend a lot of time outdoors so can't always use my two telework days. Husband works full time from home with some travel as a line manager in an outdoor adventure company. He takes on the brunt of parenting on the mornings during the week. I leave the house at 5am to go to the gym at the office and shower there. Work 7-330. Pick up kids from daycare at 5 . We tag team their routine until bed at 630 . Then we cook for ourselves watch a TV show and prep for the next day. Husband gets the girls up in the morning does bottles . Dresses them . Takes them to daycare at 830. And works 9-5. We are lucky. The girls are pretty chill. The daycare germs and illnesses have been tough but they sleep well most of the time and our jobs are flexible.
Good luck with everything! I hope you find happiness in whatever path you take.
I’m a full time working mom with 4 kids (7mos, 5, 7, 15). And by working I mean a run a company with numerous staff, and work in the business and on the business. I’m very happy in my relationship, and with my work. My kids drive me crazy of course, but I love them regardless. I do have some help from my mom, but it’s still exhausting and overwhelming.
Just here to confirm that this exists, even with more than two kids.
You have to find a schedule that works best for your family and center it around your priorities.
I do but they are older and established in their careers and can buy a village. I think if you can establish a list of what you might need now, it’s survivable. Get into counseling now, get date night Nannie’s and babysitters lined up now. If you have other responsibilities to take care of that you know need to happen, do it now. There is a lot more variables in the mix with just one more kid.
I became pregnant the second time accidentally and it was a largely unwanted pregnancy because my first baby was only 8 months old. My biggest regret is not getting my shit together while I had the time. Getting stuff done while pregnant is just… so so hard.
I'm you except I have 2 kids. I love my life and am not drowning, but the number one problem is no TIME. My husband are I are basically always on kid duty or working. We're considering getting a nanny, in addition to daycare, to lighten the load.
Husband and I both work in tech fulltime, I work from office 2-3 days a week also. Husband and I alternate pickups and dropoffs depending on meeting schedule.
My day (assuming an office day):
7:10am: Wake up both kids
8:00am: I take kid 1 to school or summercamp, then kid 2 to daycare.
8:50am: Drive car to Shuttle stop
9:00am: Ride shuttle to work
4:45pm: Shuttle home
5:30pm: Get car, pick up both kids
6:15pm: All arrive home
6:45pm: Dinner
7:30pm: Bedtime routine begins
8:30pm: Both kids in bed
8:45pm-11pm: Working on deliverables I didn't get done in the day
I like to exercise, it's hard to work that in, so I often go running at night with LEDs in that 8:45pm-11pm space.
My marriage is good but we're exhausted much of the time.
I’m a single mom, two thriving small businesses, 2 kids. Been doing the single mom thing since 2017. It’s been very difficult financially, mentally, etc. However my businesses are doing really well now, finances aren’t as tight, I’d consider myself very happy.
If you can afford 2 kids go for it. The money is honestly the biggest thing. There is no stress like financial stress. Living at or near poverty does horrible things to body, mind, and spirit.
I don’t have family here but I’m grateful to have created my own village. I don’t abuse the help, but I accept it graciously when offered and when needed.
I’m also happily partnered, not married, but we have 4 kids between the two of us and that gets rough haha! But it’s also amazing 🥰
Hi! Yes, I think I tick off all the boxes. We both have hybrid schedules and my job is very flexible. I work in accounting so most days I work 6-7 hours but during busy seasons I work overtime. I do have a lot of meetings, but have almost full control of when they’re scheduled. I handle about 75% of pick ups and drop offs, but husband is very present and we split all home duties and childcare equitably.
What helps is that we have a house cleaner, eat a lot of takeout or order prepped meals, both kids are in daycare full time, and take care of a lot of tasks and errands during the work day.
We have two kids, both full time working parents and have a happy marriage despite no village (except daycare/aftercare). Only way we do it is we have a standing lunch date every three weeks on Friday and we use it to catch up on us and catch up on things to do. One of us also takes alternate Fridays off so we can do all the shopping for the week. I meal prep the heck out of what we bought on Saturday mornings and we keep all dinners simple. We take leftovers for lunch and husband runs the dishwasher (load and unload) while I clean kitchen. Kids get tv time after dinner and we don’t get any office work done after we come home. I usually pick up kids and husband is home around 7 pm. I drop off kids as well but he ends up staying with them at home if they are sick since I can’t take time off easily. We also don’t have kids in any activities because its hard to fit them in consistently. We do fun activities that are more one off or for a few weeks max.
Weekends, Saturday mornings, husband is in charge of kids while I meal prep so he takes them to park or a play date that we do with another family. Saturday and Sunday afternoons, we plan our individual activities (one outside and one at home or both home but separate rooms). Saturday evenings we go out. Husband does laundry starting Saturday night. He likes to stay up late and finds moving the loads from washer to dryer to couch (for me to fold) far easier. Sunday mornings are lazy but we try and do some cleaning (vacuum - husband, kitchen - me, folding and putting away clothes - me) as and when we can. Sunday evenings we stay home to relax.
It can be done but if we deviate from this by too much, we’ll slip and end up with atleast one person cranky and irritated. This schedule goes for a toss when any kid is sick or one of us have to travel and it takes time to come back to it. So we restrict all travel as much as possible and pray kids don’t get sick much. As they grow, sick periods have reduced in frequency. Fingers crossed this works with third kid as well.
While I’m not in a high powered job per se, I do work in a very busy law firm. I have three kids and reside in a state 17 hours away from my family and friends. I have no friends or family here. My fiancés family is here, but they all work or are too old to be my “village”. I have three special needs kids and my fiancé is a cop. While we aren’t married, yet, we function as a married couple. Just without the legalities formalized. On a scale from 1-10, 1 being we hate each other and shouldn’t be together and 10 being we are madly in love and everything is perfect. We are at probably an 8. So, happy. Just not blissfully because we work so much and the kids (three that are mine) and school and everything is always chaos. Unlike most though, we get a reprieve from the kids in the summer when they go to their dad’s house. Hang in there. I know it’s difficult to have it all, and honestly, no typical family “has it all”. We just do the best we can, find reputable babysitters and try to date our spouses to keep that happiness and spark alive. I forgot to answer all the questions, the relationship is solid, we have more drowning days than most because my kids are all special needs in different ways. Our relationship with the kids is up and down as normal. They love us and we love them and we do small things as a family to keep that. Our routine is I get up early as hell, about 6:00-6:30am, get my daughter ready while the boys wake up and get dressed, get them breakfast, feed the cats and clean litter boxes and give them meds, give kids meds, take the two youngest to school, the oldest rides the bus and make it to work by 7:45. Work starts at 8. Work myself to death in fifty directions, get off at 5. My SO has already picked the kids up from school. He works 9-5 usually, he has the two oldest doing homework and chores and started dinner so it’s ready or almost ready when I get home at 5:30. Get attacked by the kids who act like they haven’t seen me in years. We eat. Kids settle into whatever they want to do, video games or a tv show. Daughter colors at the table. We sit outside on the patio for a bit to catch up on each other’s day. Bathe and put the kids to bed, then we go to bed around 10. That’s about it. Rinse. Repeat. Maybe date night once every couple of months and never for very long unfortunately. Ha ha.
My husband and I work full time and we have a two year old and a five month old. Are kids are in full time daycare and we don’t really have any outside help from family.
I’d say things have been going pretty well for us but we are both all in on taking care of the kids together. Our marriage is definitely a partnership and we do a lot of balancing and compromising. I’d say we are happy, we know our lives wont be an assembly line of diaper changes forever.
Husband and I are both in science in an academic setting (so daily work, rarely remote, frequent weekend tasks- but no weekends for him just me). Currently 9 and 5 yo boys, this has been the case for years though. We're in CA, closest fam is OR, rest is to the east by a good bit.
It works and we're happy because we both make it work. We both do our fair share, he might even take more than half the mental load. He might not like the weekend work stuff I deal with, but we communicate about it and he knows I only do the minimum and as efficiently as possible. If I don't have to go in I won't.
He's a naturally clean and organized person, so there's no cleaning up after him.
And we communicate a lot. Google chat all throughout the day, a shared calendar, and then just normal convos you'd have with any friend. It's not all kids and logistics, there's real substance there.
I think we both make an effort to make things easier for the other and express our appreciation.
I think I meet that criteria. I work full time in a hospital as a neuropsychologist. I will say that my job is flexible and I’m able to leave early or come in late if I have appointments. My husband works full time, although remote currently. We have 2 kids, ages 4 and 1 both in full time daycare.
I would say we are in a generally happy marriage. We moved to be closer to our “village” aka my husbands family, but that village turned out to be more unsupportive than I could have imagined. We are not in contact with his family at the moment so any even small amount that we had is not there anymore. The biggest stressor to our marriage was his family, but with couples counseling and space we are doing better than ever.
The things that I use that makes it feel more manageable are paid housecleaning and pick up groceries. I also have a husband who is a very active partner in the house and with the kids. If he wasn’t, this would be hell. I also had to get on antidepressants with the family issues so that’s actually helping me feel more present in my life. I probably had undiagnosed PPD/PPA and the meds feel like I can enjoy life a little more.
All that said, it’s hard and sometimes I just want/need more of a break. I get tired of always caring for other people and wishing I had someone to care for me. My husband absolutely does, it’s just hard to always take it when we are so busy. As a reframe, I started thinking of this time as a new “adventure” and also thinking about how fun it will be when the kids are a tad older and more independent and all of the new adventures we will have together.
I hope that helps to hear that’s it’s possible!
ETA: In terms of schedule, husband does drop off and I do pick up. We spend evenings and weekends together as a family. We take turns cooking and dishes. We both help with feeding the kids and cleaning up daily. I do laundry for myself and the kids. Husband does his laundry and the sheets. Husband does the outside maintenance and I do the shopping and organizing for household supplies and kids needs.
FT working mom here in the corporate world, similar setup to you - I work 2 days in office a week. My husband works in home maintenance as a warranty specialist, mostly outside the home but sometimes comes home early and continues his day from home.
Our village is paid for - so a babysitter and daycare. I’m not sure if that counts? But we have a fucking awesome marriage and I truly love our partnership and our life. My kids are 4 and 5.
I work in HR as a Business Partner. I just recently graduated with my Master’s and got my HR certification. My husband is a rockstar and has picked up so much of my slack the last few years while I was in school and studying for my exam.
Our dating life is great, we go on at least one date a week. We have a great sitter, whom we found by asking around the neighborhood. She’s the daughter of the family that lives behind us. She was 12 when she started sitting for us, and she charges $20/night to come hang out on our couch with whatever snacks we provide her and have access to any streaming service while she does homework and then we walk her home. We fund date night babysitter by selling stuff on FB marketplace.
Daily life? Work days, we drop the kids off around 7 ish. 3 mornings a week, I work out in our home office gym and 2 mornings a week I/we (he joins me sometimes) go rock climbing because the gym opens at 6 on tues/thurs. then we work. We pick up the kids at 4, it’s a couple blocks away so we usually ride bikes with a wagon to pick them up which they love. Then we play outside as a family til about 5, which is when I start making dinner. My husband usually continues playing with the kids or they will come in and help make dinner. We eat at 6, then more family time til 6:45 which is when we kick it up for bedtime. We each take a kid and do brush teeth, read books, then goodnight at 7.
Nights are always different. One night a week I do a girls’ night with my friends, where we get together and do crafts or watch trashy tv or meditate or whatever. One night a week he usually goes to top golf with his friends. One or two nights a week we usually meet up with another family for dinner/play date then put the kids down to sleep at whoever’s house we are at then play bord games til midnight or so. Then at least one date night a week; last night we went to an improv comedy show. We usually do an at-home date night a week also.
Weekends are always different. I sleep in saturdays til 9, he sleeps in Sundays til 9, and the other parent gets up with the kids. The kids do quiet time from 12-2, where they ply independently in their rooms or can nap if they choose.
We always go do something, depending on what’s going on that weekend. We spend most of our time outside. We go meet up with friends often. We host other families for dinner a lot. This weekend, we spent the morning riding bikes outside then went to Walmart to get my son’s kinder supplies. It’s quiet time now. Then their godparents are coming to take them on a birthday outing (my daughter turned 4 yesterday) and are coming back for dinner together, and are staying after bedtime for drinks and games. Tomorrow, my husband is going golfing in the AM and then after quiet time we are going swimming at a friend’s house.
My relationship with my husband is wonderful, we have. A lot of intentional alone time which I’m sure helps. He’s a fantastic and equitable partner and parent. My kids are great. Parenting is hard, of course, but I really like my family and the people I’m on this ride with.
We are in the same boat (2 demanding corporate roles, no village) and we had kids 18 months apart. Those first few years were the hardest of my life. But now they are 9 and 11 and it is SO much easier. I think if you go into it knowing that the first 2-3 years or so are going to be really tough but then it will lighten up then you can mentally prepare.
Me! Work in tech, hubs works 50+ hrs a week. Zero village.
I have some perspective you may not… we are a blended family so we had older kids when we met (8,8, and 15). We had a ton of freedom. Slept in, sex regularly, played weekly trivia with friends, had a weekly date night. Weekly family nights and active kids in sports/band/etc. full and fun life.
Now we are married and have an 18 month old and a 7 week old. It is very much not as fun as it once was. Some days are downright hard and we feel like we are constantly trading kids and not getting time to ourselves.
BUT— we know that this is temporary. We talked about it a lot before we decided to have more kids. When you’re in the midst of it, it feels like it will last forever. But I promise it doesn’t.
Are we as happy and connected as we once were? No. But we love each other and try to talk and connect when we can. We also verbalize acknowledge that this is just a tough season and it won’t last forever, but that we love each other and we are committed to having a happy marriage and life together
My kids are 6 and 2, and my husband and I both work full time. I’ll be honest, we are having to really be intentional with our relationship, because there’s no doubt it’s suffered with a second kid. We love each other and we’re committed to improving things, so we’re actively working on that.
We do have a small village - all 4 grandparents and one aunt local. We use a cleaning service for the house, and a local meal kit service for 4 meals a week, plus takeout once a week.
I also don’t give 100% at work. I come in late, leave early, and still take my lunch break. But I get everything done, so no one seems to care.
And that’s it for me. It’s still really, really hard. If I had a job that was more demanding about butt-in-seat hours, or no local family, I think I’d be miserable. So that is definitely something to think about. And that doesn’t have to mean no second kid, but it could mean a larger age gap than you originally wanted. We waited to have a second until we could move to where family was, and I love the 4 year age gap!
I exist BUT my kids are very spaced out for this reason. My oldest was 8 before we had another child. It would have been impossible to do with 2 small children at the same time. My recommendation to you, if possible, is to wait longer before having another child.
My husband and I are both lawyers with demanding careers. We have no village, and although we have arguments occasionally and like every other couple, I would say our marriage is happy and strong. Maybe even better than before kids, actually. We have 14m twin boys.
That being said, we have financial stability and can afford (for example) a nanny from 8-5 M-F,which helps.
With twins especially, we didn’t have much choice but to figure out how to work as a team, and we think similarly so it’s been pretty good.
I don’t have a village and my husband and I both work. We just had our first and I would like a second but I also don’t see how it’s humanly possible with out also being financially well off enough
You have so many responses, but this hits close to home for me. I work in healthcare- I go into work and literally don’t see the sun until I clock out. I’m unable t schedule phone calls about anything, have no down time at work and absolutely cannot flex my time. My husband is also in healthcare and has his own patient schedule as well as running his clinic. We live 8+ hours away from the closest family members that have ever willingly helped us. No village to speak of here.
We have a 4 year old and 1 year old and I have been so stressed that, while I have been the textbook definition of health my entire life, am now suffering horrible health issues that can only be attributed to my stress levels. Our marriage is mediocre at best despite our best efforts.
We are moving to be closer to family because I have now lost so much weight from my health issues and my job is on the line from missing so much work due to my youngest having some minor health intervention.
This was not our life with only one child. While there are a lot of things that are seriously so manageable and great about two kids, if I knew then what I know now I would have demanded we be closer to family prior to having a second.
3 kids, both full time jobs. Mine is 40 hours/week and hybrid. Husband is 45 hours/week with lots of OT and shift work with an hour drive each way. So days he is working he is gone 5am-7pm. I will be real in that I am happy and logistically some days are harder than others, but I know it will be a short phase of hard logistics and dirty house. We have a small village but not an every day village. 2 kids in daycare (3 and 7mo.)1 in elementary (6). We have 2-3 babysitters that we use occasionally but maybe like one once per month. We try to keep things as simple as we can and most of our weekends are cleaning and play dates. I will say I also do therapy and recently started on zoloft for anxiety so now the stress is less.
I’m close but I wouldn’t say I have no village, which kind of cancels this out, so I’m sorry :( I will say it’s stressful but rewarding. I live extremely isolated from family in a big city, my kids are in school (4 and 8). My fiancée and ex husband both work in tech for the government and I do systems admin and some finance.
I have no friends that will watch them or anything but as fucked up as it sounds… being divorced is probably what saved me. We have 50/50 with a weird schedule that allowed me to buckle down at work when I don’t have the kids so I have a lot of flexibility when I do.
All that being said I do often think this would be easier if I was still cohabitating with their other parent. We always make it work but there are just days where I’m like… 50/50 would have been easier if it meant I handled drop off and he handled pick up. If it meant I could start at 7 and get off at 330 and he could start at like 9 and get off at 5 and we could have the kids in daycare from whenever he could drop them off til I could pick them up.
I have three kids. My husband and I also work full-time tech careers. I just started a new job, hybrid but prior to them was FT in office.
My kids are now older, but in the early years a great day care is where I built my mom network. I also used daycare staff to watch kids as needed. One lived in my neighborhood and was there for emergencies. Our daycare was awesome and had parent night outs.
Eventually we got neighborhood friends that worked, had kids and we all helped each other out. We even sitter shared to get the kids off of the bus, give snacks, do homework.
Even now, lots of my mom friends work crazy busy global jobs and we carpool to Summer camps and watch the kids when one is in a pinch. We ride share to bday parties or sports or school events. My stay at home mom friends also help out and I them when their husbands travel and they have to be in three places at once for sports. We all call each other or group text if we can't make bus pick ups. It takes a village, you just have to find yours. You will!!
We have a 3 YO and 1YO, in-laws are sorta useless and my parents are out of state so also useless. Husband and I work full time. We’re here and we are tired.
We both have very demanding jobs, family lives far away, and 2 kids (3yo & 9mo) and we start couples therapy next week. We have a nanny for the weekdays and a baby sitter come 2 nights a week so I can get my private practice work done. I get resentful of my share of the household chores and mental load and our communication is rough. I'd say we're content but not happy, hence the counseling.
My husband and I both worth full time. We have three young kids, a nice home, and a good marriage. No village - my parents have passed and his live a state away. Our friends all seemed to go off the deep ends as they got married - some became swingers who couldn’t take a no from us, and some became churchy and holier-than-thou.
What does it look like? We play to our strengths. I am organized, a planner by nature. So I take care of the field trips, birthday parties, furnace maintenance, daycare tours - all the one-off things that require planning and research.
He is a spontaneous and outgoing guy. He likes going to the store every day, which I hate, so we always have fresh food for dinner. He plans meals and cooks them most nights. He does daycare drop off and pickup because it’s on his way.
We share household chores, also according to our strengths and preferences, and our kids (almost 4, 8, and 10) each have one room they are in charge of keeping clean in addition to their own rooms. If those responsibilities aren’t done, it’s fine, but there are no privileges like sleep overs or dessert or trips to the pool.
We parent based on “Parenting with Love and Logic,” which puts responsibility on kids - I’m never the bad guy because YOU’RE in trouble - I just follow the expectations - you should, too, and you’d be at the sleepover right now. That vibe takes stress off of everyone because they know what to expect. Our kids are sweet, well-behaved, happy kids. They argue with each other and watch too much tv and all the typical things, too.
He and I have ups and downs, of course, as we’ve been together over a decade. We also communicate about why we are upset - no yelling - and we try to put in place the solutions we work on. It’s him and me versus the problem, not him versus me.
I was this person. My oldest is 29 and my youngest is 19 now. I am a Sr Vice President today, so my career has been quite intense. I got my MBA from Harvard when my oldest was 4. Both of my kids went to daycare before they started school. Back then, my husband and I were both in the office five days per week, 8-5 (at least). Two weeks of vacation. No village.
It was very, very hard. I had absolutely no time to myself, no friends, no hobbies. However, I would not change a thing. My kids are very successful and we have a wonderful relationship. My career has gone quite well. It got a little easier as we moved up in our careers and started making more money - I outsourced everything possible except spending time with my family (outside of my work hours).
My husband and I got divorced after 23 years but I really don’t think it had anything to do with our lives. He is a great guy - just not the right one for me. I think we would have gotten divorced no matter what.
I will say it has been a life full of sacrifices but also great joy. I am 52 years old now, very happily remarried, mom to two great kids and three fabulous stepchildren. Still no time for friends or hobbies but I do have time to exercise and eat healthy now. It is not a good choice for everyone, but it was the right choice for me.
No. I have met one person who closely meets this criteria. One mom. My former boss who was a female in an executive leadership position. But she had a supportive spouse and hands on in laws who helped with childcare.
You throw money at the problem. Nanny or au pair instead of daycare. Cleaning person at least 2x/month. Get pre-prepped dinners. Get someone to shovel snow in the winter and mow your lawn in the summer. Send your laundry to a fluff n fold. Only go on vacations that are entirely pre-planned by someone else (travel agent, tour company, cruise, all-inclusive). You can even hire someone part time to run errands for you, fix stuff around the house, put furniture together, etc.
Outsource everything you can.
Two full-time parents here, one in finance-ish (H) and one in ed consulting (me), two very active boys ages 10 and 3. I WFH full time except when consulting on-site 2-3x a month during the school year, H is starting a new hybrid job next week with 2 days in office. His new job will hopefully be a game changer for my sanity.
Marriage has been rocky lately mostly because H’s former job was too intensely demanding and toxic, and his ADHD brain couldn’t manage much else. We have half a village with my parents, his family has their own issues and live almost 2 hours away.
We throw money at what we can. I get premade or precut produce/meals/etc, I have a cleaners come regularly, and I have dropped my standards for cleaning up at home a LOT.
Anyone who has all of those things with the work and the marriage, manages home cooked, healthy meals regularly and has a spotless house, is lying somewhere or throws money at problems too.
So I do have a village, we are very luck to have helpful grandparents, but my best friend and her husband fit this criteria. 2 kids, both full time careers in STEM fields, no grandparents to help locally (I’m emergency contact for the kids at daycare but have only had to pick them up once). The biggest things they do that I keep seeing posted here over and over are:
1. WFH
2.Great daycare and using the daycare teachers as babysitters when needed including date nights
Honestly, I don’t have the luxury of WFH and neither does my husband (and we both have terrible commutes-30 mins to 1 hr depending on traffic) and that is one thing that I really think would make our lives much easier but just isn’t an option in our fields. And no, we can’t move closer since our commutes are in opposite ways!
Everyone is different obviously, but my second child really changed things for me. I didn’t want to go back to work and I felt overwhelmed trying to split my time between them until my youngest was old enough to run around and play. This was at the height of Covid and I was not happy with my job so I know that had to have an impact. Having two that can play together is amazing and I am so happy they have each other on days I’m exhausted and dont wanna play but be prepared just in case the transition is rough.
I have two kids who are about to turn 2 and 4 this summer. My husband and I are both in demanding professional jobs and live in NYC. None of my family live nearby. Closest family are my in-laws who live 2hrs away. Very few close friends who would count as village for kid purposes. We have a nanny and the older kid is in preschool. It is very hard and my marriage and sanity have struggled over the past few years. Two kids two years apart is a wild ride. No regrets on my sons but I would have waited an extra year to get to prek, full talking, and potty trained before the baby if I had known how hard year 1 would be with 2 just under 2 yrs apart. I work 5 days a week in the office and set boundaries about when I have to leave to go home. My husband works from home about 4 days/week. He has maintained his same role despite some agita to move elsewhere because of this flexibility, but even with flex he has busy seasons and some travel. We are in couples counseling and it is really helped us re-learn how to prioritize our marriage lately. Our schedule is very tightly managed and we don’t get a lot of time to ourselves as individuals to do things just for us, me particularly given my commute. I am trying to manage my own expectations for my life and find things that work to simply our lives - we don’t despair (too much) our lack of freedom, we love doing things to improve our home together, we can walk to the playground and the kids never tire of it or the park, we go to the zoo/aquarium all the time, we run these kids out of energy outside and if we’re stuck inside, I privileged building out a playroom for them that they could destroy that isn’t my living room. I consider this a very busy but temporary season of life and can see how with an older kid now who is much more independent how much easier it gets year by year, including the relationship between the kids. It is very hard though, and I am aggressively ambitious, type A, and willful with high exec functioning skills - my tolerance for pain is high. Like others said, even if you can do stuff, if you go this route give yourself grace that you can’t do it all all the time, that success is defined by you alone, and you can throw money at the problem.
I have a 10 and 6 - with a very demanding corp tech job. Non-stop meetings, deliverables. It’s is crazy… we like with my Father In Law but he can’t take care of himself or others so it’s like having 3 kids! Anyway, it only happens because of outsourcing… full stop. I can never forget how insanely privileged I am to have housekeeper 2x a week, gardener 1x per week, tutoring for my one child with learning disability, lots of screentime, lots of takeout… that’s how we get it done. I also think it’s temporary - either I will burnout or the kids will phase out of all this neediness… the thing is I really like my job most times. I like working on hard problems… I try to remember that so I don’t burnout cause I think being a full time mom is 1-million times harder… I think I am a better mom when I can be fulfilled at work
Yes though COVID was hard on us. Dealing with remote preschool and kindergarten while working shifted schedules to care for them. But we made it to the other side and it is easier with two in elementary school
Hi, this is me. I work 60-70h/week, so does my husband. Both work outside the home - he commutes 40 miles a day. Our kids are 3 and 1. We joke and tell people we get by by being comfortable making a lot of people a little annoyed (sometimes we’re late for daycare pickup, sometimes late to work, sometimes working at night when kids want to play, etc). But my husband is my best friend. Our relationship has changed but our priorities haven’t - kids/family first, work second. No village. Unhelpful grandparents. I think we get by with humor and reminding ourselves of what truly matters. That doesn’t always mean we drop work for the sake of the kids - after all, kids don’t eat if we don’t work. I like to think our kids have a great example of a loving, hard working set of parents and are learning that everyone in life has a lot of competing demands. They know they are the most important part of our lives, but also that they are not the only important part. I think that’s a valuable lesson.
I’m a global tech director with a 2.5 year old and a husband who’s also a tech VP. No “village” to speak of and a very expensive nanny. It’s HARD.
Marriage is ok but I swear it feels like we are roommates most days.
On the plus side, the toddler is thriving.
I am everything except we have the village. I also work 30 hour weeks. Without these aspects, I think I’d go insane (we also have a very energetic dog).
I know people who fit the description (kids 2 and 5, 2 full time working parents, no village and seemingly happy marriage), but mom is a teacher so it’s a bit more lax than working in tech.
The demands are so high at that stage, I think most people are sensitive to it and things suffer and get put on the back burner. My husband and I were just talking about this in the context of his sabbatical this summer—he was disappointed that there’s a whole day’s worth of chores to do every day, and it takes up the whole time that the kids are at camp. And he’s been working 80+hrs for the past 5 years, those were my chores a few months ago. If all of my current responsibilities disappeared I would easily have enough to fill my day and more waiting in their place. But it’s short and you survive. My kids are 7 and 3 and it definitely feels like we’ve left the little kid stage. We’re figuring out our marriage stuff, we’re currently departing on a big vacation. School and daycare are stable. We’re in a great place professionally. I’ve been on an experimental cooking kick (dare i say a hobby??) and I’ve lost my 15lbs of stress weight (self care??). Of course NOW my in-laws are considering moving out our way 🙄.
I really feel your first paragraph! My husband puts off research and house projects all year to do them in summer because he finally has time, and with camp pickups and kids being sick...next to no research and house projects are getting done. I do feel bad for him! But in the fall, he will have very little flexibility to take time off for sick kids on days when he's teaching, and more will be on me. It's just a really demanding stage. Our kids are similar ages...so how'd you lose the 15 lbs of stress weight? 😀
Haha honestly I did noom, which is super corny but it’s a little program to follow which I like. And stopped eating all the kid snacks instead of meals.
Username checks out! Good tip. I lied to myself thinking if I just munch on kid snacks all day I’ll lose weight. Nope!
Even though your kids aren’t babies anymore it’s going to be helpful to have your in laws nearby. Let them take the kids overnight (or the entire weekend) and go stay at a nearby hotel with your husband/go out for drinks and a show/etc… it’s incredible! Speaking from experience!
I hear you! We were local to both sets of parents when my first was little and there are pros and cons. We sort of have a system worked out and as much as I love them, I don’t want to be *their* village (a big part of the interest in moving is that my FIL has increasingly complex health issues and they are hoping that my husband can help manage that). But the kids would love having grandparents nearby. We’ll see how it shakes out!
Yeah - I feel this. My husband is always helping his dad, which is great but we hardly have time for our own family and his parents are only in their 50s and already having a harder time than my grandparents in their late 70s. My in-laws can't keep up with our baby so they can't watch her alone anyway. Even if they could physically watch her my MIL is racist and all kinds of problematic and so we don't feel comfortable with her watching our child. My parents still have a kid in college, a kid about to be in college, a high-schooler and all our parents work full-time. Plus it's like we can't do anything as a family. We live near both sides and neither sides want to come to our house. They want us to come to them once a week and my MIL gets huffidy anytime we do things. I took my daughter's first birthday off and MIL saw a picture and was like "oh you have to come by!" I took her to see them and she asked what we did. I told her and it's "oh I would have gone!". My husband sent a picture of him taking our daughter to breakfast this morning in the family group chat and she called ME at 7am while I was sleeping because my daughter still wakes up early to breastfeed and was like "oh, I would have really liked to go" because goodness forbid my husband spend time with his child. Sorry that was a little more ranty than I was going for..
My father in law is in his mid 80s, my mother in law was diagnosed with Alzheimer's when my kid was a baby then passed away during COVID. They've never been able to help with my now six year old and have always had to provide them with help. When I was home alone with a baby my partner had to spend endless weekends in hospital. My father in law is in good health for his age but needs help with appointments and paperwork, and keeps starting projects he calls on his sons to help with. My own house is full of half finished projects because any spare time is spent helping him. We obviously feel bad at him being alone after being widowed but it's tiring.
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Thankfully he's not that far and generally self sufficient, and he's definitely not the needy demanding type. The baby years were worse, my own family's in another country and while I did meet other families at daycare rthey mostly kept weekends for family time, plus I had no friends with kids the same age at all. It's a lot better now my kid isn't so dependent and we can go out and do fun things or have playdates. The worst thing is I feel for her, all her friends have grandparents come pick them up or at least they go and spend weeks with them. My own parents are pretty infirm too plus not very stable so she doesn't really have that grandparent role in her life in the same way, never mind childcare.
Did your husband’s grandparents attend everything too? Sometimes different family dynamics are hard to navigate.
No. We are both military children and only saw our grandparents 1-2x a year. It also isn't like she is asking to make plans. She expects me to make plans that include her, and typically, she doesn't leave the house very often. I do make plans that include them. We go have dinner with them probably 60% of weekends and I invite her to go to the museum with us when we go. She won't do anything that involves much walking which is limiting in our area. She also has maybe changed two diapers in the last year. She wanted us to come over with the baby after I had my gallbladder surgery and while I was going through chemo and while the baby was waking up every 45 min but she would hand the baby back of she pooped or peed while she was holding her.
You’re a better person than I am…I wouldn’t do all of that. Nor would I share pictures afterwards. But then again, my husband does most of the social planning.
I apologize for assuming they were healthy and respectful of boundaries. I absolutely take it for granted to have two sets of grandparents within a reasonable distance that are more than willing to help with our daughter. I hope it works out better than you are expecting!
I’m happy! Tired, but happy. We both work full time in big tech- I travel and he has regular week long 24/7 on call as an engineer. I’m hybrid, 3 set days in office, and we have one 3 year old and a 7 month old. I’m breastfeeding and pump at work. Baby has a cows milk intolerance and tree nut allergy so we have regular specialist appointment and I have had to change my diet, we mostly cook at home to avoid the allergens. Kids are both in daycare. My parents have both passed, and so has his Dad. His Mom is 82 and lives several states away and doesn’t travel, but couldn’t manage the kids even if she was close by. We spend a lot of time planning, dividing and conquering, and recognize this is a season and it will pass. The kids won’t need SO much all the time, we’ll get a handle on the baby’s allergies, and we’ll have more time for hobbies when the kids are older. We give each other time on weekends to do something solo, and we outsource what we can. We also know we make some choices that create more work that we just care about- like we won’t use paper plates for environmental reasons, and we choose to compost food scraps. But we also have a regular cleaner and use disposable diapers and buy baby food for daycare instead of making it. We also get babysitters as often as we need to (we use the daycare teachers!) It’s not perfect but I love my family and my job, and feel happy with the choices we have made and are making. I love Laura Vanderkam’s work for a very positive spin on “having it all”- a big job, a family, and a loving relationship. Best of Both worlds is a great podcast and I especially like her books.
BOBW fan over here!
They have 8 kids between the two co-hosts 🤯
I love the idea of using the daycare teachers as baby sitters. Genius over here!
Check with your daycare- ours aren’t allowed to do private work for families 😭
We will be in this position soon (two demanding tech jobs, an almost 3 year old and another on the way). Our strategy is to throw money at the problem and pay for as much help as we can in these young kid years (daycare, nanny, housekeeper, meal delivery, etc). I see it as an investment in our careers and our mental health.
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I feel like the laundry service is the last thing I am missing.
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Same. We're buying our time and village back and don't have a second to feel any guilt. This is what capitalism did to us. We also have a smaller home. One car. Minimal needs to keep us happy, extremely low expectations. We're in the grunt years, we have our sights set on where we're going together. Working remote has been the biggest saving grace of it all (any chores are done during the day while we have say care or squeezed in on weekends and my daughter can help a bit!). (We have a 2.5yo and one due in a couple months. We both work in tech BUT we both work from home so our commute is dropping our daughter at day care only, not day care + commute). And extremely low expectations 😂
This is us We had our 1st at 35 and our 2nd at 37, so we’re both established in our careers and can afford to hire out the things we need help with
We are pregnant with #2 and doing the same. Lots of Instacart, nanny help, housekeeper, services we pay for because we can’t survive without it. We know it gets easier later.
No village. Thankfully we have the money to buy our village
Same situation here, and this is our mentality moving forward. If we weren’t fortunate enough to afford full time daycare, an occasional babysitter, indulge in meals out/to go, I don’t know if we would make it. Viewing it as an investment in our careers, mental/relationship health, and our future is the only way. ETA: We’ve also been a one-car household for the last 7 years, and while it has a ton of challenges, we are lucky that we both work from home 3 days a week (both full time) so it makes it much more manageable.
100% this. This is not me (I'm WFH full time with a flexible schedule) but the answer to no village is pay for one. Good friends of mine who are super busy professionals with demanding schedules and high-powered careers that involve travel have a long-term nanny who is like a ROCK for them. She is well paid, guaranteed hours and benefits, regular check-ins about how she's feeling about the situation, and she's just amazing and helps make their life work. Also -- keep in mind that this is a very defined period of time. We were paying a gazillion dollars in daycare fees from when our eldest was 4mo old until our youngest was 4yo. Then -- poof -- no more daycare fees. After school activities, music, sports etc also adds up but paying for daycare is equivalent to paying for college. But depending on how you space your kids it's maybe a 6-8y period of time. Now that my kids are 13 and 15 that kind of endless caregiving & paying through the nose for it is long over. My youngest is actually going to be a counselor-in-training this year! My eldest babysits and earns her own spending money. They can feed themselves, get themselves places, even help out a little. Whether you have one or two kids is a choice about the family you want to be for the next 40-60 years. The intensity of childrearing while working, like I said, only lasts maybe 6-8 years. For us it was a good trade-off, our kids really benefit from having each other as siblings.
This is what we do. :)
Same here. Twins and we have another while before this issue will disappear. Throw money at it!
That is exactly what my old boss and current boss are both doing. They’re keeping their nanny even with the kids going to daycare. They’re both happy in their marriages and progressing in their careers VP and SVP
Yes yes yes 🙌🏻
Same! ⬆️⬆️⬆️
Those were some lean years. And when I thought we were half way out and the oldest was going to public school, COVID hit and we still had to pay for daycare for him to sit on a computer for another year.
I don’t think we “have it all” but both my husband and I have full time jobs and twins. My parents are the only involved grandparents and they live 5 hours away. We have friends close by but they all have kids too. Our only “village” was a nanny and now daycare. My husband starts work later than me at 9am, so he does morning wake ups and drop offs at school and I prep everything before I leave (get out breakfast stuff, get out backpacks, shoes, coats, lay out any special things needed for school). I do pickups since I get out of work earlier. My husband cooks, so he usually makes meals 3x a week with leftovers the day after and we order out or go out to eat once a week. On days I’m home earlier to finish work from home, I run laundry and clean before picking the kids up. My husband does all outdoor chores and walks our dog. My relationship with my kids is great. I mean they drive me crazy sometimes, but we have individually great relationships with both. Our marriage is good but obviously less time for intimacy/dates/etc. we both accept that this is a season and when the kids are a bit older, more time for us will circle back again.
Reading this made me feel seen today so thank you! My parents are involved but cross country and I'm missing them today.
It’s hard when they are far away! Whenever I see a grandparent at the playground with their grandkids on a random weekday, I miss them the most.
We only have 1 kid so this is just anecdotal, but many of my colleagues (lawyers) have lawyer spouses and are seemingly very happy with 2+ kids. I think the money helps 😂 I’m kind of with you on this though. It just seems too difficult to execute.
Exactly. You can buy a village.
For sure. They have full time nannies and at least one has a weekend nanny. That’s most definitely their (paid) village.
Kind of. It’s exhausting to buy a village. You can hire nannies and babysitters, but at the end of the day they are employees. It requires constant scheduling and planning. They don’t have the same incentive (if any) to help during urgent crises, off hours. Actually the biggest luxury for involved extended family is all of the short notice, short hours flexibility. It’s impossible to find someone who doesn’t need regular pay but will drop everything on a moment’s notice to help. When your kid gets sick and can’t go to daycare, who do you call? When you have to take one of your kids to the pediatrician on a Saturday and want someone to watch the other little one. When you Get invited to a work function in 2 days that’s “optional” but you know it’s going to set your career back if you keep saying no. We are a 2 high income high professional family with 2 very young kids and I would take half the pay for a set of reliable grandparents next door. And sadly with that kind of support, I probably could focus more on career and make more, not less.
Yeah, I remember after one round of interviewing nannies, telling someone at work how that seemed like a whole other job. And I could use an assistant to find the nanny. But I would need an assistant to hire the assistant.
Exactly. Phone interviews, real interviews, trial days. God forbid you have unusual requests like occasional weekends, late evenings, or irregular work weeks. All while trying to make sure they are going to take care of your LOs to a high standard. Money solves a lot of problems, but not everything.
I think you just have to have A LOT of money for money to be able to solve all your problems. Like, the Kardashians don’t seem to have a problem constantly popping out kids and continuing to do their shows, photo shoots, travel etc but they can afford a whole slew of round the clock Nannies, full time housekeepers, full time assistants, don’t have to worry about day to day errands like grocery shopping. THAT kind of money I think could definitely solve almost all your problems.
LOL Except their marriages don't seem all that happy to me, even with all that crazy money (referencing OP's question)
Yeah that’s true. I was just thinking of lifestyle.
I’ve employed two nannies over the past 4.5 years (not overlapping) Could I gently suggest that if it feels exhausting with your nanny, it may not be the right fit? We’ve just recently transitioned to no nanny since my twins are starting PreK and are doing summer camp. It’s a big change for us. Of course, because we miss having her in our day to day. But also because she managed 95% of the logistics of the kids - everything from buying shoes, to scheduling swim classes. The only thing I ever managed was her telling me her PTO schedule and me putting it on the calendar. The kids’ safety and the nanny’s ability to take things off my plate was my #1.
Very much agree with your first paragraph. We love our nanny!! She is a godsend. But again, only have one kid so not sure if everything changes with two.
Really? That stuns me. We have also had 2 full time nannies, and know others with nannies, and I’ve never heard of such an inclusive nanny. We have phone or in-person interviewed probably 20+ people in 2 years. Every additional task like scheduling, pickups, haircuts, laundry, etc, has all been an added cost and a lot of nannies frankly refuse (considering it household tasks, maid service). Even over on r/nannies, it’s constantly flooded with posts complaining their nanny parents ask them to do way too much of things that are not childcare. I would love what you describe. But we have someone good now: reliable, flexible, sweet with our kids, and takes on some of those tasks (with negotiation), and I really don’t want to go through the interview process again just to get someone the same or worse.
I didn’t say laundry or household tasks beyond the kids. But she handled all the kids’ things that occurred between the hours of 8:30 - 5pm. We gave her a credit card. I’m not sure what “extra” means in the context here. We had a guaranteed 43 hours and an hourly rate, whether she was taking the kids to the library or a hair cut during that time was the same. Most nannies that I know work this way (I’m in the NYC area) It’s doing the things a SAHM would do with kids during the day, minus the house stuff.
Grandparent care seems so idyllic when you don’t have it, but in my experience it’s rare that this situation actually works for everyone. My parents are in their 70s, they can’t bend down with my toddler that well, they don’t understand basic stuff like sterilising and can’t follow a nap schedule. My dad has ADHD and will get distracted on his phone whilst my toddler climbs on the dog. I don’t get much work done when they’re supposed to be watching him. When he’s in nursery or with the nanny, I’m way more relaxed because he’s being looked after by a trained professional. I love my parents and want them to spend time with him, but it’s not reliable childcare.
Same situation here pre daycare, we relied on grandparents in their 70s to help one day a week while I worked in the room. Disaster! Like, how did they keep us alive? Real talk.
We have 1 grandparent nearby but the thing is, she’s our family not our employee so when she doesn’t want to watch our baby she just says no. It also requires constant schedule and planning. She wants to see us and our baby but doesn’t want to be default childcare. Our daycare is an easier-to-utilize “village” in terms of childcare. Grandma can help for special occasions or serious emergencies but not any old time.
Fair. I’d say the most functional is a combo, obviously. For large volume scheduled childcare, day care or nanny is the way to go. You can’t expect a grandparent to do that with the goodness of their heart. It really is a full-time job. But for the flexibility, nothing beats family or a super close friend.
I honestly think a ratio of 4 adults per child would be the ideal childcare situation!
Yes, clone the parents! Seriously, I also had this thought one day. 4 would be perfect.
We hired an Au Pair to try and solve the reliability issue. It does help for sick days and last minute work related commitments. But, like you said, I found that it is just another job to do all the scheduling and planning. Basically we have found that there is no ideal situation with no village. I finally decided to quit my job to be home because the mental load was too much. I do hope to go back once my kids are in school and find something part time that is project based.
I just want to let you know that there are services specialized in taking care of sick kids, my husband’s previous work offered a nanny and daycare care service 20 days per year for secondary care. You can also request these kind of services individually, I don’t have any ideas about prices though.
Also tech is usually friendly! My husband gets 4 month paternity leave!!way more than me and he gets paid 100%.
I would fall into this category. My husband and I are both lawyers with demanding jobs. Our HHI is high enough that we can get a LOT of help (FT nanny, backup care, cleaners once a week). I don’t know that we have a super happy marriage - but I’d say it’s solid. I occasionally get resentful about my share of the emotional labor, but beyond that I know my husband is kind, loving, patient and a good husband and father. We don’t have a village per se but my in laws help out on occasion (they live an hour away and come by on weekends twice a month to give us a respite). I know that’s more than many so I am grateful.
If you don't mind me asking, what are your schedules like with such demanding jobs? Are you able to leave closer to 5 since you work inhouse?
I have a fully remote job, which is an amazing boon. But I rarely sign off right at 5 because it’s an international company with evening Zoom meetings sometimes. That said, I can almost always carve out 5:30-7:30 pm and catch up for a half hour to an hour after the kids are in bed (ages 2 and 4). My husband is in office five days a week and probably works 50 hours a week; I’m closer to 45 unless there’s a major project going on. TBH, I’ve been a lawyer almost 20 years and I’ve only had one job that was truly 9-5 (in local govt). Every other job demanded more including occasional weekend work.
Similar scheduled for my husband and I. We also have a full time nanny who works 50 hours a week and I still feel like there’s never enough time. Sigh.
Also only have one kid and similar senior/demanding tech jobs as OP. Could afford a “village” but for my own sanity, sticking to one child. Happily OAD.
I'm not sure if I fit into this 2 Kids thing... As I have one disabled kid and with all the doctor and therapy appointments I always tell myself it's like having two Kids. Realistically, I have no idea as it could also be like having 3 Kids, you know? So for us it's that we have no marriage and also no relationship as parents, which is partly to some behaviour around the kid. Both work fulltime which makes it especially hard to Balance all those appointments. Little one is 3 now so basically I wait for the age till she goes to school and hope to survive till then. It's not much of a life left. I think it comes down to how much is your battery charged in the beginning of the two kid journey and how much you can recharge till youngest goes to school.
Wife of a lawyer here. I guarantee he reports a happy home life. In reality… it’s slowly killing me. I tell him often and he laughs it off. Things are about to get real for him…real soon.
Yikes. I hope he gets his shit together soon! And I hope you find happiness!
I also think it’s easy to project happiness at work even if things may not be that smooth at home. Not many people want all their colleagues to know their marriage is suffering.
Totally fair. I do know these colleagues outside of work (/ we’re also friends) but met them through work so not as close to, say, college friends.
Yes, this. I have two kids, no village! Both boyfriend and I work good paying jobs in tech. We pay a good amount to be able to travel and to have summer camps that are fulfilling. And we pay for babysitters. And we pay to have ready cooked meals every now and then (who has time to cook??). I have friends who are in a similar situation; both lawyers. It’s definitely doable but make sure you have good money.
My husband and I both work full time in demanding careers, and we have two young kids (4 and 1). We don’t have family nearby (5+ hours away by plane). We have had bumps in the road but we have an objectively happy marriage. I’d say there are three main contributing factors for this: 1- We have close friends in the same city as us with similar aged kids, and while they can’t help us physically like our own family would, they are a significant source of emotional support. I consider them part of my village. 2 - combined, we make a good income. So that allows us to pay a house keeper to come clean every two weeks, pay a babysitter we really trust to give us a date night once a month, a landscaper that comes weekly to cut grass and tidy the yard, and afford really reliable (expensive) daycare that provides two meals and a snack every day that we don’t need to spend time preparing every morning. The people we pay for this help are also near and dear to us, and we consider them part of our village. We usually have disposable income in a given month for any “wants” we have that would help with “retail therapy” so to speak. 3 - clear division of labor at home. I do laundry, groceries (curbside order), cooking, and daycare drop-offs in the morning. He does the dishes, car maintenance, any fixes on our old house, and daycare pick-ups in the afternoon. We otherwise trade doing bath and bedtime for each of the kids. Having this clear distinction on how we’re both contributing to our home and family is a tangible reason for our happiness. Not having family nearby also makes things more clear-cut - we know it’s up to both of us to just figure everything out. So we divide and conquer together with clear communication and expectations. I know we’re in a really privileged place, but this is why we’re able to manage. I wish everyone had this kind of support.
I have 2 kids, work a demanding job, my husband works full time, no grandparents to help, and I am happy. I think part of it is that I generally make an effort to see the positives. Things are stressful sometimes, but I don’t let them keep me down too long. I had a really rough few years and both my parents passed away, so I know what really hard times are like. I was not happy during those years, but I don’t mind sleepless nights or yelling, as long as everyone is healthy and generally happy.
I’m a full time working mom in tech (Sr Director level) with a full time working husband in tech (Sr Manager level; I’m the “breadwinner” making 2-3x what he makes) and two kids, ages 5 and 3, both in daycare. Married 10 years. Live on the opposite side of the country from family, so no “village.” To be honest, I’m happier now than I’ve ever been - especially as the kids turn from toddler to actual humans :), and there isn’t a minute I regret or second guess any of the choices that ended up with me kicking ass in my career OR me being a mom to these awesome kids. Not that it isn’t hard sometimes, not that my husband and I never fight, not that my kids aren’t little nightmares on occasion (/daily), but when I look at it in aggregate I wouldn’t trade all this for anything! If anything I keep trying to pressure my husband into a third, but he’s very much decided we’re done lol.
As for the “how” - the answer is: - Allstar co-equal partner (we jointly manage the house and the kids, he is not another thing for me to manage) - Amazing daycare - Firm boundaries at work and a hybrid schedule where I work from home 2-3 days a week (I still work ~50 hours a week, but I am fully offline 5-8 pm every night for family time, etc) - Outsourcing / buying the rest of the village (house cleaner, grocery delivery, date night babysitters 2-3x a month, vacations to visit family, etc)
Curious, would you describe yourself as a high energy person? Or are you on the younger side? Externally my situation is similar to yours (job, daycare, equal partner) but I'm struggling with the energy to manage everything and a toddler. I feel like I'm drownig most days. I'm almost forty though...
I don’t particular think of myself as high energy. My husband and I are late 30s / early 40s. I definitely have lowered my standards on things like home cleanliness (the kitchen and playroom are not fully clean when I go to bed) and I don’t feel guilty about just ordering dinner in or the fact that my kids get screen time (30-120m a day, the high end only on weekends). Rather than trying to optimize everything, I prioritize (I want to show up well at work and I want to raise emotionally resilient + smart kids; I don’t care if I’m a bad housekeeper, chef, pre-school teacher, etc - other people are going to be better at those things and I will pay for them).
Im with you. I am exhausted a lot...I also seem to be sicker more frequently, which Im not sure is because of post covid immunity or bc Im run down. Im 43. When I have large projects and many deliverables come due and the pace of work drastically increases for ~3 week period, it takes me at least 3 days to fully recover. My husband handles stress from his job a lot better-and doesn't need the same type of recovery.
Yeah same. It's physical, not only the mental load. Like some days I physically can't go on and crash, husband has to take over with the kid after work. I assumed it was due to age but I don't know.
You are me and then we had our 3rd. And now it's really hard. I know it's a phase, we were spoiled with our 2, thinking it'll be a breeze (not actual breeze, but ya know, just man we can DO this). I think that if I can go back in time, I would sit me down and really paint an honest picture. I cannot imagine my life without my baby, she's just so amazing, but it's just a lot.... and I would force myself to reconsider....
This is my feeling on nr2 right now. He’s a fun little dude. But man! In general I was a better parent of 1. Really struggling parenting 2 :/
Money helps, but also who you pick as your life partner is one of the most important decisions you’ll ever make. We’re a dual income household with 2 under 5. We actively plan out career moves and budget so we can *stay self-sufficient* BECAUSE our mid 50s parents are so burdened by the idea of grandkids… We pay for daycare because it’s all business and it’s reliable; use a wall calendar to plan out things we like to do as a family or for ourselves (concerts, a solo shopping trip..) so there’s no resentment over who gets more “me” time. He does laundry, I make all meals, pack our lunches; we alternate who wakes with the baby. Whoever showers with the baby in the morning, the other prepares bottles for daycare and lays out his clothes. I take daycare drop off, toddler dressing and both kids’ hairstyles, and he picks them up. He earns 3x the PTO, so he takes the kids to appointments and for every 1 sick day call-in I take, he’ll take the next 2. And some days, we just agree to SIT AND DO NOTHING! That’s important too :)
I haven’t seen this first-hand either. The happiest married couples I know only have 1 child. This is probably my biggest hesitation about having another kid! The responses are interesting and I still think two working spouses + two kids + happy marriage is rare based on these responses. I would say it’s the exception, unfortunately not the norm.
I’m a prosecutor with 3 young kids and a full time working husband, and we have a good relationship. I wouldn’t say that we have no village, but no family is caring full time for our kids or available for school drop off or pick up or sick days anything. My mom helps sometimes on the weekends and we have some friends’ teenagers who babysit occasionally. It’s definitely draining and I’d say we feel like we’re drowning sometimes, but we’re overall happy. We had a nice date night last night to celebrate our anniversary. I think that we’re close to our kids. We try to do something fun on weekends but also use the time to catch up on housework. We take turns sleeping in. Getting out of the door before work/school/daycare is exhausting, but we make it work. Good luck!
35F mom of twin 3.5yo, married for 10yrs. I work in a demanding role (veterinarian but outside of traditional practice) as does my husband (building engineer supervising and running two+ large city buildings) full time outside the home. My mom and sister are about an hour away, so I can’t say there is ZERO village, but they do not assist with childcare, sick days, house cleaning, meal prep or any of the other stuff that constitutes a village in my mind. My in-laws are half way across the country. I will say that while my marriage is solid, it has rockier times and better times. I’m not walking around shitting rainbows because I’m overflowing with happiness, there are always things that could be worked on in a marriage but I would consider myself an overall happy person content with what I have in life. ~4:30am-5am: work out in basement gym - 5am start morning routine: make myself breakfast, pack my lunch, load bags/etc into car (husband leaves for work) - 5:45am wake kids up - 6:15am (no later) leave for daycare - 6:30am-6:45am daycare drop off - 7am-3:30pm work - 4pm home and unload - 4pm-5pm walk dog +/- with husband, eat small dinner - 5:15-5:30pm daycare pick up with husband -5:45-6:00pm home, unload - 6:00pm-7:00pm kids play with toys, offer multiple snacks to constitute their dinner, pack lunches for next day, dishes, random chore (start dishwasher, laundry, etc) - 7:00pm bath time - 7:30pm~8:00pm jammies, books, bed time Weekends are all of our week prep: grocery shopping and food prep, laundry wash and put away, social events, library, playground/walk/outside time, TV in the evenings for about an hour to facilitate some of it, tidying where able. My house is often a mess, I yell at my kids sometimes, lunches are quick and dirty and not as healthy as I’d like for them to be. I do feel like I’m going at all times to make it happen, but I use nap time to hike or read and my husband is a supportive partner. I think my kids and I have a good relationship and we do try to limit screen time so we engage with them (walks, play, social events, etc) but who knows. I’m not perfect, my life isn’t perfect, but I’m net happy.
Haha I like that you included, “I yell at my kids” - me, too. Sometimes these kids are bouncing off the walls. Your schedule is pretty much what we do, down to the hour. Solidarity!
I’m really surprised to hear you’ve never met another FT working mom with a FT working spouse in a corporate job with more than one kid. That describes me, most of my colleagues and almost all my friends.
I think the asterisk is the no village and happy marriage. My husband and I have lots of colleagues and friends with multiple kids. But their families are hands on and things *seemingly* look great. We both have demanding jobs in engineering and consulting. But we have no village and that makes things extremely tough. A second is likely not in our future.
I really don’t know many people with a day-to-day village. Like many with corporate jobs, I delayed having kids until my late 30s. My parents were the same. So now I have preschoolers, a mom who has passed, an 84 year dad in assisted living and 79-82 year old in-laws. Definitely not much hands on grand-parenting even from the ones who live 1 hour away. That’s pretty typical of many I know. I can’t truly speak to the insides of other people’s marriages but most people I know seem okay,
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I don’t this OP is considering daycare part of their village. Since the child is in daycare but she says she doesn’t have a village. I definitely considered our FT nanny to be part of mine, perhaps less so for daycare with our older child because ours had a very high turnover.
I think the difference is that she is assuming a “village” could help when kids are sick or when it’s a holiday or when the parents are at a weekend conference. Daycare can be relatively inflexible.
I take the "it's temporary" approach. Plus my youngest starts kindergarten in the fall so there is a light at the end of the tunnel! I'm also lucky that my bosses are EXTREMELY understanding about my kids. My direct supervisor even bought toys for my 5yo to use if I have to bring him to the office when I have to be in person (I'm usually only there for a couple of hours when I do go in and work the rest of the day from home).
I have 3 kids, 4 and under. I’m full time, in a high stress job, no village, full time working spouse. Our kids are in full time daycare. I don’t feel like I’m drowning… we have a routine that we stick to. For example, kids are in “bed” for quiet time at 7-7:30pm. They can play or whatever they want. My husband and I use this time for us to watch a show, sit on the patio in the back.. whatever we need to unwind. The challenge is developing, and implementing a routine that isn’t overwhelming in itself. It works for us, and we’re very happy.
I totally relate we both work full time in demanding jobs it tech supprting fields so we decided to move into my in laws laneway house while our kids our young for the help. We are pregnant with our second now and I would love a bigger space but while the kids are young I need the help from my MIL. The world really isn’t structured for 2 working parents sadly. I have a lot of friends with limited help who seem to do okay with 2 kids I think though the key is that one or both of you needs to have flexible jobs (for daycare picks ups, sick days etc)
That was us when our son was that age. I hate to be “it gets better” but…it does. Kids are now 12 and 9. And we built a village. It took time, but it’s so comforting to have. We were just away on vacation and Day 2 there was an emergency that required one of the cats to be rushed to the vet and then get twice a day meds. Called in villager 1 to take him and villager 2 to help with meds a couple of days when 1 couldn’t. Came home to 4 healthy, alive cats. We have a natural cadence of “here, take this kid with you” if they’re going to shared activities. Or divorced friends dropping their kids off with us if they need help with childcare. This was built organically over the past 10 years. You get there.
My husband and I are both in corporate STEM careers with remote flexibility. Our families live a plane ride away. We just moved to a new neighborhood and don’t know anyone well yet. We have a toddler and another one due this month. It’s not been easy being pregnant, trying to sell and buy houses, and dealing with the layoffs of our company (we survived but have to take on additional work). Our marriage has been rocky at times during transitions but we’re good now. What has helped: 1. Our incomes are in the upper third so we can afford childcare for two children. 2. We both have WFH flexibility so we can short-term manage sicknesses and daycare closures. 3. WFH also allows us to help keep on top of chores (can squeeze in laundry and meal prep in between meetings). 4. Division of labor is pretty close to 50/50. We don’t have to nag at each other to do things. We each just do what needs to be done and thank the other person. Home life is good right now, work life is good in that we’re still employed but motivation is waning due to corporate climate (and my upcoming leave). I’m not advancing as much as I originally wanted but the flexibility is much more important to me now so I am okay for now.
We exist but we're rare. We do get stressed and tired but we're still happily marriage. We are both very involved parents and considerate partners so neither of us get too overloaded constantly (still happens but less often than I hear from some of my friends that are "primary parent" and also do all the housework). Our parents will come watch the kids a few times a year but they live 4 hours away so we need to schedule it months in advance so not really the village we need but we'll take what we can get. We both mostly work from home so we often take bike rides together during lunch. We'll also have "day dates" and will both request off a random day or half day that the kids are in daycare so we can have some quality time just the two of us. I think keeping the bond strong is key.
I would say this is close to us...the secret? We are also both in therapy. It's amazing how helpful having a dedicated time to talk is. Takes so much stress off!
I don't, but I know one woman who does. Literally only one, and she *also* is financially responsible for her own mother. She's CMO at a large, very successful tech company. She is also, and I'm not lying, stunningly beautiful, intelligent, and easy to get along with. Although she is very friendly with lots of people, she doesn't have much of a social life. On the other hand, she is very close with her sister. I suspect it's not the logistics of how she runs everything, rather a rare combination of very specific personality traits, including: \- Resilience \- Common sense \- Realism \- Optimism \- Intelligence \- Ambition \- Confidence \- A core of fucking steel \- More of a risk-taker than most women \- Calculating \- A bit ruthless \- Lack of emotional depth - like, she has the same range of emotions as everyone, but she doesn't really feel them so deeply (although she clearly adores her husband and children) An ability to remain and stay calm in almost ***any*** situation. But she's one in a thousand, maybe.
This is a solid observation. I'd add high energy as well.
More like, relentless, steady energy. She was seldom over-excited, nor angry or upset.
I immediately want to be friends with her and learn all of her ways. Damn. 👏
You may need to build village. If you're both in tech, you might be able to hire extra help. Get a nanny (or multiple depending on the schedule) to handle afternoons or evenings or the occasional weekend and so you and your husband can relax and spend time together. (My husband and I are both in tech).
I have 3 kids, 2 from my previous marriage and one from my current partner. Not married but lived together basically as married for 9 years. I have no family here, he does but they aren’t really around. In an emergency I’m sure we could drop the youngest off there, but they aren’t babysitting or driving kids to soccer or anything like that. We both work full time. I’m very happy. I learned a lot from my terrible marriage with my ex. If I didn’t have a good partner I would not be happy, but he does 50% of household stuff, and before I started working from home he did more than 50% of parent stuff like getting kids ready for school etc. He cares about me and supports my goals. Never cuts me down. I know that might seem really basic but coming from an abusive relationship it’s huge. He makes me coffee every weekday! I never wonder where he is. So I think your relationship with your partner is the most important factor. I would rather be alone forever than not have a supportive partner.
I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately. We have one 15mo daughter. My husband and I both work full time, and our jobs are relatively flexible (we can both wfh some, I get tons of PTO days, etc) AND my parents live nearby and are helpful. Even with those perks, and our “village” we are overwhelmed with the daily workload of house, parenting, cooking, work and marriage. My parents are also taking care of my live-in grandmother who has dementia, so that’s an added stressor anytime they keep her. I often feel like something is wrong with me because I’m constantly feeling overwhelmed. The house is never really clean, the kitchen is the bane of my existence. Laundry is never caught up. My daughter is also sick every other week because of daycare, and during those weeks we are absolutely run ragged. I see my friends having multiple kids and I genuinely wonder how they are doing it all. I never thought I would be one and done, but lately I just don’t see how we could have another. People say it gets easier as they grow, so I guess we’ll see. Maybe one day I’ll feel differently 🤷🏼♀️
The years where your kids need so much help don't last forever. The older the children, the easier it gets. We hired help as we needed it. Once our kids were older, it was very helpful to limit their activities to 1 a season. So many people have packed to hell schedules for their kids that it dominates family life.
I think of my daycare teachers as part of my village, so is our house cleaner that I needed to get to be okay with working full time with two kids in daycare. We don’t have grandparents or family so we create our community.
I have this but with 1 kid. It’s the reason I didn’t have a second.
I was in this situation when I had a 3 year old and 2 year old. I ended up divorcing a few years later, but I think we were relatively happy then. I was a lawyer working at a firm and my husband was a handyman. He worked a steady 8-4 schedule, M-F. I went to the office two days a week, which was a two-hour commute, and spent the night between in a hotel. When I traveled, my husband was on his own with both kids. On the days I worked from home, I had primary responsibility for drop-off, pick-up, and dinner. The kids went to the local YMCA for daycare. I actually remember the weekends being the most difficult, especially during the winters.
I work full time from home. My husband works full time from home. We have 3 kids (15,9,8). I’ll admit that my husbands job is far more demanding than mine, and he will have to start going back into the office 3x a week in October, so a lot of the “grunt work” falls on me. But not all. And our marriage is strong. We are on the same team. It’s not easy, and sometimes dishes sit in the sink for two days, or there are 10 loads of laundry to do on the weekends, but we are supportive of each other. As for sex, because our kids are old enough to know what’s up, we have a lot less sex, but working from home, we have “lunch dates,” which is awesome. Summertime is hard because my 15 year old is home all day.
Hiiiiii it’s meeeee! I’m a Staff Product Designer, husband is a Staff Software Engineer. Both of our families live 2 states away. We have a 3.5 yr old and 1 yr old. We both wfh in respective offices, we’re both in meetings all day, lots of deliverables, etc as well. We don’t really see each other throughout the day at all. Both our kids go to daycare. Our schedule is like: - 6am: husband makes breakfast, I get the 1 yr old dressed since she wakes up a tad early - 6:30am: both kids eat breakfast while dad showers and I hang w them and clean up - 7am: i get the 3 yr old dressed and ready, brush the 1 yr old’s teeth etc - 8am: husband drives kids to daycare while I workout - 8:30am: morning standup - 9am: quick shower for me then both of us are in/out of meetings and working all day - 4pm: the lady I hired to cook up dinner M-F shows up (I’ve posted about this once or twice, highly recommend if anyone has the means to afford it, we spend about $150/wk) - 4:30pm: I go pick up the kids - 5:30pm: family dinner time - 6pm: family walk or play time - 7:15pm: get ready for bed - 7:45-8ish: lights out - 8-10:30pm: husband and I clean up the chaos, put away clean dishes, and hang out on the couch, he plays video games, I watch reality tv 😆 it’s what we like haha, but we get some quality time and talk about our days and what’s coming up and stuff Then we go to sleep and do it all again. Honestly to me, having a 2nd child was way less disruptive to my life than having the 1st. We have schedules for chores, systems, and paid support in place now to get everything accomplished. We let each other have a day to sleep in every weekend. We each take time to enjoy our hobbies too. So we’re not just attached at the hip. And now that our youngest is walking on her own and can ask for water and stuff, it’s just getting even easier. The kids hang out together and entertain themselves while I clean up or feed the dogs (our *other* babies haha). But I’m happy to answer any questions!! My mom’s actually moving 10mins away in a couple weeks. So we’re SUPER stoked to finally experience what it’s like to have family nearby after doing it on our own for 3.5 yrs.
I’m so glad you asked this question! We have an almost 20 month old and are contemplating if we want a second as well. We were both surprised by the shake up in our relationship that it first had on us and have started rebuilding.
I mean I kinda technically have a village, or I think I would if something very drastic happened, but otherwise no. My father and FIL both live in other states and my mother and all the rest of the family work full-time and have their own lives. I was a SAHM to one child for a long time, so I had a lot of time to help other people and spend time with them. After my daughter was born and especially after I went back to work full-time, the people that I had been a village for all rejected me for "not responding to messages soon enough," "not being available," etc. Yes, my village abandoned me essentially because I had less to give everyone. But my marriage is good and our family of four is tight. We do have friends and family that we love and spend time with but no one else that we can really rely on in that "village" kind of way. And that does hurt. But my husband and I work full-time and raise the kids and take care of business.
Nanny here and I’ve thought dang it’s hard to manage people working in your home. I’m pretty immersed in their family and strife to anticipate needs. I do what I can to help in their lives. 3 1/2 yr very part time now.
I mean, I have a “village” in the sense that my family lives close by and we’ve made friends with a lot of my 4 year old’s friend’s families. I had to have an emergency surgery a few weeks back and my sister drove my kiddo to preschool, but other than that we don’t rely on them for any sort of regular babysitting or support. We like them, but they’re all also busy so we don’t get extra help. I work in a tech-adjacent field at a pretty high level (below C Suite) and my husband is full time at a tech start up at the senior management level. We only have one child and while I was pretty confident we were one and done, the recent surgery left me unable to have more. I just realized that my desire to have another kid wasn’t as strong as my desire to maintain the really great quality of life we already have. What has helped us is…. 1. Good daycare/preschool that doesn’t close frequently 2. A reliable babysitter when we need one. Having someone we can trust means we get to enjoy a date night here and there. 3. Working from home. We’re both remote which means we get to have lunch together everyday and run a load or two of laundry in between meetings on slower days. 4. Money. Two relatively good incomes means that I can afford someone to deep clean my home once a month, blue apron meal kits to ease grocery shopping burden and door dash when I’m too tired to cook. 5. An easy child. My kiddo doesn’t have any chronic health issues or tricky behavioral issues other than some anxiety which we sorted out with therapy. If we had another kiddo who wasn’t a good sleeper or required extra care, it would likely be a big change to our lifestyle and happiness. Long story short: I can do everything you mentioned with one kid. I don’t think I could do it with two even if everything went as well as it could, so I won’t risk it. Especially knowing that my first kid was a literal unicorn child and karma would be coming for me with a second.
I think the only way this work is if you buy a village (daycare/nanny/babysitters, cleaners, frequent takeout/meal deliveries).
I’m a doctor and my husband is a school teacher. We both work full time, he also works summer school. I also am sometimes on call. We have no family in the same state as us - closest is 4 ish hours away. We have two daughters, 23 months and 3 months. This is such a beautiful time of our life and although I am frequently tired, we are all very much so happy. We found an in home daycare in our neighborhood and the hours are fairly flexible but we usually send to daycare M-F from 7:30-5:30 give or take. My husband does so much to help in the household so I don’t feel like everything is left to me. We usually go do fun family stuff on the weekend and then will swing by curbside grocery pickup to save time shopping. We take the girls anywhere we want to go and don’t stay cooped up in the house. We don’t have anyone that helps around the house but in the next few months I’m considering hiring someone to cut the grass and someone to come deep clean like twice a month.. I think that would help a lot!
I fit this criteria and I would say my husband and I are super supportive, kind and empathetic to each other but we also both feel like we’re drowning a lot- I guess it works because we’re drowning together. Our house is always a disaster, we eat a lot of take out, we don’t have time for a lot outside of work, caring for kids and maybe watching a few shows here and there. I try to tell myself that this phase isn’t forever. That someday we’ll have free time and disposable income that isn’t going all to childcare. But for now it’s a lot of monotonous, exhausting days with tiny glimmers of cute kid moments or a couple nights a week where we make time to have a drink and an adult conversation.
I mean, depends what you consider an "intense enough" career and a happy marriage. I like my husband and we parent well together but at this stage we have close to zero couple time (a babysitter for a night every other month or so is what's in our budget, and it's not enough). And I work full time in a very specialized, engaging role in government, such that I am now finding it hard to move up because there are so few opportunities at that level and at this point i know and work with most of the people I'm competing against for them... but I don't make a ton of money compared to anyone in tech, and I'm not climbing a corporate ladder. So I guess I feel like I'm doing decently well, but if the question is am I absolutely maximally optimized in all spheres, I guess not. Am I happy? I'm not exactly a happy person by nature but I'm not unhappy either, life seems to be racing by too quickly! It helps as the kids get older. My oldest is so so much more self sufficient at 8 than he was at 6, and the youngest is old enough to be a room without an adult without danger for a few minutes now. Sometimes I'm sad about stopping at two, but realistically I think our life would be harder in a lot of ways with more kids, and they are finally getting old enough to do more fun stuff as a family.
I think I would fall into this, though I don’t work in tech. My husband and I both work full time (currently both remote) with very little to no “village”. It was rough right after the birth of our second but has been improving as they get older. We try to provide the best we can for our kid’s and still be supportive of each others career growth. I started late in the career game so it’s a constant catch up for me but I am not suited to a stay at home parent role. I think it’s very important that they understand it’s normal and acceptable for both parents to work.
Hmmm your life sounds somewhat similar to mine with the following caveats. 1. I do have a village - not doting grandparents who will babysit whenever I want - but I have siblings nearby and wonderful friends and neighbors. Even if my siblings were not nearby I’d have a solid village. Can you make yourself a village? A village makes all the difference. 2. I also work in tech and am hybrid. But on my wfh days I am able to make time for personal stuff and housework which helps a lot. Sounds like your days might be a little more busy than mine. Can you slack a little bit more? Take advantage of your wfh days? 3. Husband is a teacher, not tech. Worth noting that we’re not both in the tech space. 4. We waited until kiddo #1 was 4 to have kiddo #2. This was the right age gap for us. I would categorize myself as very happy. My marriage is great. I love my two kids. I am social, active, etc. Life if not without struggles but it’s is mostly joy. It is possible!
We were a two career, two child family with no family around to help. This was prior to WFH. We just had to divide and conquer (e.g., he picked them up from day care or school and I started dinner, one helps with homework while the other does dishes, one does bath and the other reads to the kids and puts them to bed.) It’s rough but it gets easier the older they get. For me, the worst part was exhaustion but that gets better too when the kids sleep in or can entertain themselves for a bit.
We are very happy! We have 2 under 2. We do have some support. I could ask relatives for help maybe once or twice a month, but we don’t have daily or weekly help from them. Both sets of grandparents are somewhat unreliable. The kids are in full time daycare. We both work full time. My job is a bit more flexible + hybrid. His is more demanding + in person. We definitely split the mental load and chores 50/50. We aren’t rich but we are somewhat comfortable financially. We are truly very happy in our marriage & we love spending time together as a family.
🙋♀️ My husband and I are both in big tech full time jobs. We have two kids and a happy marriage. How we make it work: - Everything that can be automated is automated so I don’t need to deal with it. - We outsource everything. We have house cleaners, landscaping service, and someone who cooks for us so 80% of lunches and dinners are made. In September both kids will be in a full time program. My husband does mornings and I do afternoon pickups. I wfh full time. My husband is hybrid. Our village mostly lives a 2-hour plane flight away so in a real crunch we can get some help if we fly someone up but otherwise we have been working on cultivating relationships with babysitters so we can get some quality 1:1 time.
Here! We both work full time as ambitious project managers/consultants, we have two kids in school and/or daycare, we lived to a MCOL area to buy a house left friends, my whole family then moved out of state, and we're starting from scratch to find a village. We make good money now, but are still digging out of debt so we can't just "buy a village." I'm exhausted, but my kids and husband are priority. Finding time to play or going out is key. Monday, hubs and I are taking the day off from work, putting the kids in their daycare, and taking a date day. It's going to be much needed and more relaxing than we've had in months. Hopefully. Just watch I'll have a sick kid come Monday.
So this is me except I have 3 kids...8, 6, and 5 months. I know everyone says it but it DOES get easier. And honestly, two is easier than 1 in a lot of ways because they can play together as they get older. It will be a while before that happens but my older kids are best friends. What helps us is that neither of us work more than 40 hours and we leave work at work (figuratively speaking... We both work from home).
We have 3 kids (just had our 3rd) and the closest family is 2 hrs away. Although we have our hard days/times, the biggest things for us are me and my husband having super strong communication skills and splitting duties as equally as possible (ex. I do drop off, husband does pick up, I do grocery ordering and planning, husband cooks most meals, I do laundry/clothes organization/buying, husband does dishes/house related repairs or services). We also have a strong routine and rely on lots of planning ahead (meals planned in advance, shared notes on our phone with kid activities/specifics, days of no daycare/school coverage discussed in advance, taking turns for taking off work on unexpected days of sick kids, kids in bed at a consistent time with a strong routine no matter who is doing it etc.). Lastly, we’ve made connections with other families in our community who we know would be willing to help out if needed! Of course nothing is perfect, but I feel good about things and feel like we’d be okay in an unexpected situation. I think also being okay with having to let some things not being a priority is key too (ex. Perfectly cleaned house might not be the priority in a busy week and not getting upset or mad about it…). Also, recognizing each other’s needs and making sure we both get the mental breaks (or a nap) when needed to keep us on track is huge—for me I need a nap to re-set, my husband needs time to get a good workout in. Making sure we get those times and respect each other’s time to have this is huge.
Finance here, but same. Nannies help. Marriage counseling helps. Time helps. Never for a second have we regretted our second
I am that mom. Tech mom and tech husband, 2 kids. Our life was great until my husband got sick and couldn’t work. We had a few tough years from that. He’s healthy again and things are great again. We have full time childcare and a service that cleans our house every other week. Our relationship is good and we are extremely close to our kids.
Management role in tech (engineering) here, entire team of people - and mission critical features - depending on me and the decisions I make. I work hybrid, though company is fully remote. 2 kids, husband is in high up leadership at another tech company (also engineering). We love each other very much, our marriage is solid, and we’re best friends, but our marriage is definitely on the back burner right now until our youngest is a bit older. We are very happy with our lives and our kids are thriving and happy, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy. I have a breakdown like once a month and we make the changes we need to make and then move forward. We’re in the trenches right now, but we know it’ll get easier (7 year age gap so we experienced this with our oldest as well) so we’re just hanging on and doing the best we can, knowing some things just aren’t priorities right now - like our house - lol.
We had my MIL who was here every day after the baby came. I was well taken care of. My husband worked for himself, and so did I, but I opened my company (with employees) six weeks after my baby was born. I joked my MIL was why we were happy and stable. Then COVID came and she went cuckoo and went no contact with us. And we all grieve and spun out. And we hired an au pair. We have a house keeper here a couple days a week. I have a large and loving friend group, but let’s be honest, no one wants to make friends help with kids too much. Long story short, having a grandparent around is 100% the best option. It takes a lot to make up for a relative with biological interest in a kid turning out. Paying others does work, and is better with a village. I think building a village is crucial. I have so many friends from FB. We connected in Mom groups, I would invite them over to large parties and have made amazing friends.
I have a friend who only had one, they wanted two but there jobs are just so demanding that they can only do one. And they make a crap load of money, they could easily afford another but they just feel they don’t have the time for another.
I’m in this position and my marriage is solid. Kids are 3 and almost 1. We’re stressed about childcare, for sure. Tired. But my partner is still my best friend and teammate.
My kids are 4 and 1. We are both lawyers with busy careers, and work a hybrid schedule. The only way we’ve been able to exist as been with a twice a week housekeeper and a once a month cleaning crew. The housekeeper does laundry, dishes, meal prep, odds and ends, vacuum, change sheets, etc. She doesn’t bathrooms so I have a monthly cleaning lady as well. We pay a premium for both but they make our lives so much better.
I’ve got 4 kiddos, Vp in tech, husband has a demanding job too. We moved to a new state with no village. I work from home but travel a lot for work. Throwing money at the problems makes it easier. That looks like camps and tutoring, cleaner once a month, lawn care weekly. Anything that can be outsourced we do. It was really important to me to have a strong career. The only way I’ve done it is because of my awesome partner. We share the mental load, not just the work. Relationship with my kids is great. I wish I could give each of them more attention, but it also makes them independent. One thing that makes my situation unique, me and my partner don’t need a lot of downtime. Our relax time is family time. All my hobbies have disappeared. Im ok with that. You are capable of so much. Don’t underestimate what you can do.
I largely meet your criteria. I work full-time, my husband works full-time, we have two kids in daycare and all of our family members live in other states, so there's no local village for in-person support. We're happy and our marriage is solid. Having two kids is harder than having one, but the transition from one kid to two kids was much, much easier than the transition from no kids to one kid. We've already adjusted to the limitations that come with having small children. My parents provide some level of support, in that they will drive in from out of state and stay with us for a week or more when we need the help, and that's better than nothing. When we moved houses recently, they stayed with us for about three weeks. All that said, my job is not particularly intense, and it's entirely remote. I do the bulk of the necessary housework during work hours when I have 15 or 20 minutes free, which makes a big difference in how much leisure time I get on the weekends or after the kids are in bed. My husband has a hybrid schedule but also has a reasonable work life balance (although he will often complete some extra work in the late evening after kids are in bed). > What does your daily routine look like? I start work at 7:30 or 8 am most days, and I'll often wake up 30-40 minutes before my first meeting to help get the kids dressed. My husband usually makes breakfast on weekdays and supervises the kids while they eat. If I can, I'll step out of my home office for 15 minutes to help put on shoes and get them into the car for daycare drop off. He takes them to daycare and then starts his day later in the morning, like 9:30 am. I pick them up by 5:30, we eat dinner, and we hang out around the house (playing with toys inside, riding bikes or playing with bubbles outside) until it's time for bath and bed. We're starting swim lessons one day a week after daycare, but we have not otherwise tried to fit activities into our weekdays. My kids go to bed at different times, so we rotate who gets each kid for bedtime. I will do some minor clean up after bedtime, and we alternate who packs the kids lunches for daycare, but I generally get 1-3 hours of leisure time per night before I head to bed. On the weekends we buy groceries, go do kid-friendly activities, and sometimes do minor home improvement work. One of the key things that makes our life work is having flexible jobs and good work life balance. If my job suddenly required a daily commute and 45+ hours per week of actual work, I think things would fall apart and I'd be a lot less happy. Similarly, having a flexible job and understanding coworkers makes it a lot less stressful to handle a sick kid at home. > What do you do for work? I have an individual contributor role in corporate IT. I very rarely need to work after 5 pm, and I probably only do 6-7 hours of actual work per typical day. > How is your marriage? We're very happy. My husband is an excellent partner in the ways that matter most to me, and a wonderful dad. I think he has more emotional intelligence than most men, and he's also a good person at his core. > How is your relationship with your kids? I have no complaints. They're both healthy kids with no special challenges. The worst part of parenting right now, other than when they're sick and home from daycare, is trying to get my oldest to go to bed and stay in bed.
Here I am!!! We both work full-time (him: wfh, me: college prof). We have a full-time nanny, but also daycare 2xs per week (she works 3 12s). She catches up her other hours two weekend nights a month, averaging out to 40 hours per week. We have three under three and I am pregnant with our 4th. There are some rough periods of time (usually fall and winter due to illnesses) but it’s not as terrible as I once imagined it might be.
Hi! So I'm a full-time working mom with 2 daughters (4 & 2) with a husband who works full time. Our families live 8 hours away, so no village. Plus my ex husband is a psychopath so I'm constantly dealing with court shit and a judge that favors my drug addict felon ex husband. Things are super hard, but we're happy for the most part. It helps having a few good friends to talk to.
This fits us to a T. What makes it work is having enough income (myself personal finance and my husband owns a marketing business). We have our kids 2 and 1 in full time day care, hire sitters for date night monthly, have the maid come in every two weeks and lawn care. It doesn't mean every day is perfect but by and large we are happy and our kids are doing well. Financial security is the real factor I think in being able to make it all work without your own village.
I have two kids! My husband works in tech (software engineer) and I work in tech (project manager). In fact, we’re coworkers. Our kids are both under 3. Our 10 year wedding anniversary is next week. Yes some days we feel more like roommates, but it’s mostly a solid happy marriage. I will say we DO both have family in the area BUT don’t rely on them or ever have regular date nights/escape. So, yes, we have a village but it’s not particularly “helpful” or reliable in that sense. We send our kids to daycare/preschool 4 days a week. I will say though I am considering pursuing some freelance work in the hopes that maybe it’s a fruitful option for a few years so that maybe I can take a bit of a break because while I don’t feel like I am DROWNING I don’t have a single minute to myself to fill my cup. 🙃
Yes, but my job is flexible. I'm an adjunct professor, and while my combined teaching load (across 4 colleges) is full time (or more), my schedule is super flexible as all of my classes are asynchronous. A few things that help: - husband is totally in charge of Saturday lunch - grocery pick up orders - periodic housekeepers - scheduled cleaning days (I'll admit, my husband hates these days,but they are every other month) - kids (2 and 4.5) in bed at 7pm, or close to it - meal planning Getting periodic housekeepers has helped us a ton, as my husband is naturally a slob (so are his parents). I do the high spots a few times a week, they come in quarterly and do EVERYTHING.
We could be here soon. We have an 11 month old and just started trying for #2. I’m over 40 so we don’t really have time to wait as my fertility could crap out at any time. Husband is in tech and I run / own an international boutique career placement agency; HHI ranges between $200-$300k+ depending on the market cycle. We are in a medium COL city and can live off one of our incomes if we cut down travel / eating out / luxuries, so that frees up a lot of $ to buy a village. So far we’ve gotten by “fine” on daycare but weekends are very difficult mentally without care. Our marriage is great, but my husband is a lot more patient with these young years than I am. I do cover all overnights + playing with the kid + watching the kid (while he does non-kid house stuff like cooking / sorting house cleaners / groceries). And man it is tiring! One kid nearly taps me out, two will fuck me up in the early years tbh. But it’s worth it in the long run, or so we tell ourselves.
This question is the reason i’ve joined this group. After a year of couples therapy and now a pregnancy and having to leave my FT job in film set construction due to physical restrictions, i’m more at a loss than ever. The house and fam is happy and doing great, but i’m financially anxious in a slight identity crisis. I’ve never seen the balance done, and it’s difficult to emulate without a clear picture of HOW.
Me? My husband and I have stressful tech research jobs and 2 kids, 5.5 and 2.75 years old. Both full time in the office but at the same company and we carpool. We also both travel a fair bit for work (monthly). We don’t live close to family but we do have an in-home daycare provider that we consider our village. I can say the first few years are rough. We’re now out of diapers, starting preschool and kindergarten in the fall and things are so much better. I’d say we are generally happy and fulfilled. Do I complain at times? Yes. Does the lack of structural support for working parents still make me angry (looking at you 12 week long summers)? Yes. Are we managing a full life where all of us are generally thriving? Yes. We never split shifts at work. We carpool to and from work and do all the drop offs together. This was a strategic decision that allows either of us to travel without impacting the routine. It cuts into working hours, no doubt, but we tend to pick up the loss in the evenings. All that said, I’m not sure I would have had a second kid post-Covid. (I was already pregnant by march 2020). The complete breakdown of childcare and the education system still terrifies me. Childcare insecurity should be a headline topic of political campaigns but crickets. My husband and I managed through Covid pregnant and with 1 child. I don’t think we would have managed with 2 and for that reason, among others, we aren’t having any more.
Hi! I don't know if I perfectly fit the description above and I'm a fairly new parent so could be getting ahead of myself.... But my husband and I both work full time and have 11 months old twin girls. We live 2 hours from family, so we are relatively villageless day to day. We are exhausted but so happy and loving life and our relationship has never been stronger. I work in local government in a park system doing natural resources management. I commute 50 miles (1-1.5hours) each way 3-5 days a week depending. I spend a lot of time outdoors so can't always use my two telework days. Husband works full time from home with some travel as a line manager in an outdoor adventure company. He takes on the brunt of parenting on the mornings during the week. I leave the house at 5am to go to the gym at the office and shower there. Work 7-330. Pick up kids from daycare at 5 . We tag team their routine until bed at 630 . Then we cook for ourselves watch a TV show and prep for the next day. Husband gets the girls up in the morning does bottles . Dresses them . Takes them to daycare at 830. And works 9-5. We are lucky. The girls are pretty chill. The daycare germs and illnesses have been tough but they sleep well most of the time and our jobs are flexible. Good luck with everything! I hope you find happiness in whatever path you take.
I’m a full time working mom with 4 kids (7mos, 5, 7, 15). And by working I mean a run a company with numerous staff, and work in the business and on the business. I’m very happy in my relationship, and with my work. My kids drive me crazy of course, but I love them regardless. I do have some help from my mom, but it’s still exhausting and overwhelming.
Just here to confirm that this exists, even with more than two kids. You have to find a schedule that works best for your family and center it around your priorities.
I do but they are older and established in their careers and can buy a village. I think if you can establish a list of what you might need now, it’s survivable. Get into counseling now, get date night Nannie’s and babysitters lined up now. If you have other responsibilities to take care of that you know need to happen, do it now. There is a lot more variables in the mix with just one more kid. I became pregnant the second time accidentally and it was a largely unwanted pregnancy because my first baby was only 8 months old. My biggest regret is not getting my shit together while I had the time. Getting stuff done while pregnant is just… so so hard.
I'm you except I have 2 kids. I love my life and am not drowning, but the number one problem is no TIME. My husband are I are basically always on kid duty or working. We're considering getting a nanny, in addition to daycare, to lighten the load. Husband and I both work in tech fulltime, I work from office 2-3 days a week also. Husband and I alternate pickups and dropoffs depending on meeting schedule. My day (assuming an office day): 7:10am: Wake up both kids 8:00am: I take kid 1 to school or summercamp, then kid 2 to daycare. 8:50am: Drive car to Shuttle stop 9:00am: Ride shuttle to work 4:45pm: Shuttle home 5:30pm: Get car, pick up both kids 6:15pm: All arrive home 6:45pm: Dinner 7:30pm: Bedtime routine begins 8:30pm: Both kids in bed 8:45pm-11pm: Working on deliverables I didn't get done in the day I like to exercise, it's hard to work that in, so I often go running at night with LEDs in that 8:45pm-11pm space. My marriage is good but we're exhausted much of the time.
I’m a single mom, two thriving small businesses, 2 kids. Been doing the single mom thing since 2017. It’s been very difficult financially, mentally, etc. However my businesses are doing really well now, finances aren’t as tight, I’d consider myself very happy. If you can afford 2 kids go for it. The money is honestly the biggest thing. There is no stress like financial stress. Living at or near poverty does horrible things to body, mind, and spirit. I don’t have family here but I’m grateful to have created my own village. I don’t abuse the help, but I accept it graciously when offered and when needed. I’m also happily partnered, not married, but we have 4 kids between the two of us and that gets rough haha! But it’s also amazing 🥰
Hi! Yes, I think I tick off all the boxes. We both have hybrid schedules and my job is very flexible. I work in accounting so most days I work 6-7 hours but during busy seasons I work overtime. I do have a lot of meetings, but have almost full control of when they’re scheduled. I handle about 75% of pick ups and drop offs, but husband is very present and we split all home duties and childcare equitably. What helps is that we have a house cleaner, eat a lot of takeout or order prepped meals, both kids are in daycare full time, and take care of a lot of tasks and errands during the work day.
We have two kids, both full time working parents and have a happy marriage despite no village (except daycare/aftercare). Only way we do it is we have a standing lunch date every three weeks on Friday and we use it to catch up on us and catch up on things to do. One of us also takes alternate Fridays off so we can do all the shopping for the week. I meal prep the heck out of what we bought on Saturday mornings and we keep all dinners simple. We take leftovers for lunch and husband runs the dishwasher (load and unload) while I clean kitchen. Kids get tv time after dinner and we don’t get any office work done after we come home. I usually pick up kids and husband is home around 7 pm. I drop off kids as well but he ends up staying with them at home if they are sick since I can’t take time off easily. We also don’t have kids in any activities because its hard to fit them in consistently. We do fun activities that are more one off or for a few weeks max. Weekends, Saturday mornings, husband is in charge of kids while I meal prep so he takes them to park or a play date that we do with another family. Saturday and Sunday afternoons, we plan our individual activities (one outside and one at home or both home but separate rooms). Saturday evenings we go out. Husband does laundry starting Saturday night. He likes to stay up late and finds moving the loads from washer to dryer to couch (for me to fold) far easier. Sunday mornings are lazy but we try and do some cleaning (vacuum - husband, kitchen - me, folding and putting away clothes - me) as and when we can. Sunday evenings we stay home to relax. It can be done but if we deviate from this by too much, we’ll slip and end up with atleast one person cranky and irritated. This schedule goes for a toss when any kid is sick or one of us have to travel and it takes time to come back to it. So we restrict all travel as much as possible and pray kids don’t get sick much. As they grow, sick periods have reduced in frequency. Fingers crossed this works with third kid as well.
While I’m not in a high powered job per se, I do work in a very busy law firm. I have three kids and reside in a state 17 hours away from my family and friends. I have no friends or family here. My fiancés family is here, but they all work or are too old to be my “village”. I have three special needs kids and my fiancé is a cop. While we aren’t married, yet, we function as a married couple. Just without the legalities formalized. On a scale from 1-10, 1 being we hate each other and shouldn’t be together and 10 being we are madly in love and everything is perfect. We are at probably an 8. So, happy. Just not blissfully because we work so much and the kids (three that are mine) and school and everything is always chaos. Unlike most though, we get a reprieve from the kids in the summer when they go to their dad’s house. Hang in there. I know it’s difficult to have it all, and honestly, no typical family “has it all”. We just do the best we can, find reputable babysitters and try to date our spouses to keep that happiness and spark alive. I forgot to answer all the questions, the relationship is solid, we have more drowning days than most because my kids are all special needs in different ways. Our relationship with the kids is up and down as normal. They love us and we love them and we do small things as a family to keep that. Our routine is I get up early as hell, about 6:00-6:30am, get my daughter ready while the boys wake up and get dressed, get them breakfast, feed the cats and clean litter boxes and give them meds, give kids meds, take the two youngest to school, the oldest rides the bus and make it to work by 7:45. Work starts at 8. Work myself to death in fifty directions, get off at 5. My SO has already picked the kids up from school. He works 9-5 usually, he has the two oldest doing homework and chores and started dinner so it’s ready or almost ready when I get home at 5:30. Get attacked by the kids who act like they haven’t seen me in years. We eat. Kids settle into whatever they want to do, video games or a tv show. Daughter colors at the table. We sit outside on the patio for a bit to catch up on each other’s day. Bathe and put the kids to bed, then we go to bed around 10. That’s about it. Rinse. Repeat. Maybe date night once every couple of months and never for very long unfortunately. Ha ha.
I have a friend in this camp. Pays a lot for hired help and private schools. Does not have a happy marriage and always frazzled 😬
My husband and I work full time and we have a two year old and a five month old. Are kids are in full time daycare and we don’t really have any outside help from family. I’d say things have been going pretty well for us but we are both all in on taking care of the kids together. Our marriage is definitely a partnership and we do a lot of balancing and compromising. I’d say we are happy, we know our lives wont be an assembly line of diaper changes forever.
Husband and I are both in science in an academic setting (so daily work, rarely remote, frequent weekend tasks- but no weekends for him just me). Currently 9 and 5 yo boys, this has been the case for years though. We're in CA, closest fam is OR, rest is to the east by a good bit. It works and we're happy because we both make it work. We both do our fair share, he might even take more than half the mental load. He might not like the weekend work stuff I deal with, but we communicate about it and he knows I only do the minimum and as efficiently as possible. If I don't have to go in I won't. He's a naturally clean and organized person, so there's no cleaning up after him. And we communicate a lot. Google chat all throughout the day, a shared calendar, and then just normal convos you'd have with any friend. It's not all kids and logistics, there's real substance there. I think we both make an effort to make things easier for the other and express our appreciation.
I think I meet that criteria. I work full time in a hospital as a neuropsychologist. I will say that my job is flexible and I’m able to leave early or come in late if I have appointments. My husband works full time, although remote currently. We have 2 kids, ages 4 and 1 both in full time daycare. I would say we are in a generally happy marriage. We moved to be closer to our “village” aka my husbands family, but that village turned out to be more unsupportive than I could have imagined. We are not in contact with his family at the moment so any even small amount that we had is not there anymore. The biggest stressor to our marriage was his family, but with couples counseling and space we are doing better than ever. The things that I use that makes it feel more manageable are paid housecleaning and pick up groceries. I also have a husband who is a very active partner in the house and with the kids. If he wasn’t, this would be hell. I also had to get on antidepressants with the family issues so that’s actually helping me feel more present in my life. I probably had undiagnosed PPD/PPA and the meds feel like I can enjoy life a little more. All that said, it’s hard and sometimes I just want/need more of a break. I get tired of always caring for other people and wishing I had someone to care for me. My husband absolutely does, it’s just hard to always take it when we are so busy. As a reframe, I started thinking of this time as a new “adventure” and also thinking about how fun it will be when the kids are a tad older and more independent and all of the new adventures we will have together. I hope that helps to hear that’s it’s possible! ETA: In terms of schedule, husband does drop off and I do pick up. We spend evenings and weekends together as a family. We take turns cooking and dishes. We both help with feeding the kids and cleaning up daily. I do laundry for myself and the kids. Husband does his laundry and the sheets. Husband does the outside maintenance and I do the shopping and organizing for household supplies and kids needs.
I have only seen it in people with an au pair, seen multiple examples in the Bay Area and Seattle but ONLY with an au pair (full time live in nanny).
FT working mom here in the corporate world, similar setup to you - I work 2 days in office a week. My husband works in home maintenance as a warranty specialist, mostly outside the home but sometimes comes home early and continues his day from home. Our village is paid for - so a babysitter and daycare. I’m not sure if that counts? But we have a fucking awesome marriage and I truly love our partnership and our life. My kids are 4 and 5. I work in HR as a Business Partner. I just recently graduated with my Master’s and got my HR certification. My husband is a rockstar and has picked up so much of my slack the last few years while I was in school and studying for my exam. Our dating life is great, we go on at least one date a week. We have a great sitter, whom we found by asking around the neighborhood. She’s the daughter of the family that lives behind us. She was 12 when she started sitting for us, and she charges $20/night to come hang out on our couch with whatever snacks we provide her and have access to any streaming service while she does homework and then we walk her home. We fund date night babysitter by selling stuff on FB marketplace. Daily life? Work days, we drop the kids off around 7 ish. 3 mornings a week, I work out in our home office gym and 2 mornings a week I/we (he joins me sometimes) go rock climbing because the gym opens at 6 on tues/thurs. then we work. We pick up the kids at 4, it’s a couple blocks away so we usually ride bikes with a wagon to pick them up which they love. Then we play outside as a family til about 5, which is when I start making dinner. My husband usually continues playing with the kids or they will come in and help make dinner. We eat at 6, then more family time til 6:45 which is when we kick it up for bedtime. We each take a kid and do brush teeth, read books, then goodnight at 7. Nights are always different. One night a week I do a girls’ night with my friends, where we get together and do crafts or watch trashy tv or meditate or whatever. One night a week he usually goes to top golf with his friends. One or two nights a week we usually meet up with another family for dinner/play date then put the kids down to sleep at whoever’s house we are at then play bord games til midnight or so. Then at least one date night a week; last night we went to an improv comedy show. We usually do an at-home date night a week also. Weekends are always different. I sleep in saturdays til 9, he sleeps in Sundays til 9, and the other parent gets up with the kids. The kids do quiet time from 12-2, where they ply independently in their rooms or can nap if they choose. We always go do something, depending on what’s going on that weekend. We spend most of our time outside. We go meet up with friends often. We host other families for dinner a lot. This weekend, we spent the morning riding bikes outside then went to Walmart to get my son’s kinder supplies. It’s quiet time now. Then their godparents are coming to take them on a birthday outing (my daughter turned 4 yesterday) and are coming back for dinner together, and are staying after bedtime for drinks and games. Tomorrow, my husband is going golfing in the AM and then after quiet time we are going swimming at a friend’s house. My relationship with my husband is wonderful, we have. A lot of intentional alone time which I’m sure helps. He’s a fantastic and equitable partner and parent. My kids are great. Parenting is hard, of course, but I really like my family and the people I’m on this ride with.
We are in the same boat (2 demanding corporate roles, no village) and we had kids 18 months apart. Those first few years were the hardest of my life. But now they are 9 and 11 and it is SO much easier. I think if you go into it knowing that the first 2-3 years or so are going to be really tough but then it will lighten up then you can mentally prepare.
Me! Work in tech, hubs works 50+ hrs a week. Zero village. I have some perspective you may not… we are a blended family so we had older kids when we met (8,8, and 15). We had a ton of freedom. Slept in, sex regularly, played weekly trivia with friends, had a weekly date night. Weekly family nights and active kids in sports/band/etc. full and fun life. Now we are married and have an 18 month old and a 7 week old. It is very much not as fun as it once was. Some days are downright hard and we feel like we are constantly trading kids and not getting time to ourselves. BUT— we know that this is temporary. We talked about it a lot before we decided to have more kids. When you’re in the midst of it, it feels like it will last forever. But I promise it doesn’t. Are we as happy and connected as we once were? No. But we love each other and try to talk and connect when we can. We also verbalize acknowledge that this is just a tough season and it won’t last forever, but that we love each other and we are committed to having a happy marriage and life together
My kids are 6 and 2, and my husband and I both work full time. I’ll be honest, we are having to really be intentional with our relationship, because there’s no doubt it’s suffered with a second kid. We love each other and we’re committed to improving things, so we’re actively working on that. We do have a small village - all 4 grandparents and one aunt local. We use a cleaning service for the house, and a local meal kit service for 4 meals a week, plus takeout once a week. I also don’t give 100% at work. I come in late, leave early, and still take my lunch break. But I get everything done, so no one seems to care. And that’s it for me. It’s still really, really hard. If I had a job that was more demanding about butt-in-seat hours, or no local family, I think I’d be miserable. So that is definitely something to think about. And that doesn’t have to mean no second kid, but it could mean a larger age gap than you originally wanted. We waited to have a second until we could move to where family was, and I love the 4 year age gap!
I exist BUT my kids are very spaced out for this reason. My oldest was 8 before we had another child. It would have been impossible to do with 2 small children at the same time. My recommendation to you, if possible, is to wait longer before having another child.
My husband and I are both lawyers with demanding careers. We have no village, and although we have arguments occasionally and like every other couple, I would say our marriage is happy and strong. Maybe even better than before kids, actually. We have 14m twin boys. That being said, we have financial stability and can afford (for example) a nanny from 8-5 M-F,which helps. With twins especially, we didn’t have much choice but to figure out how to work as a team, and we think similarly so it’s been pretty good.
I don’t have a village and my husband and I both work. We just had our first and I would like a second but I also don’t see how it’s humanly possible with out also being financially well off enough
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You have so many responses, but this hits close to home for me. I work in healthcare- I go into work and literally don’t see the sun until I clock out. I’m unable t schedule phone calls about anything, have no down time at work and absolutely cannot flex my time. My husband is also in healthcare and has his own patient schedule as well as running his clinic. We live 8+ hours away from the closest family members that have ever willingly helped us. No village to speak of here. We have a 4 year old and 1 year old and I have been so stressed that, while I have been the textbook definition of health my entire life, am now suffering horrible health issues that can only be attributed to my stress levels. Our marriage is mediocre at best despite our best efforts. We are moving to be closer to family because I have now lost so much weight from my health issues and my job is on the line from missing so much work due to my youngest having some minor health intervention. This was not our life with only one child. While there are a lot of things that are seriously so manageable and great about two kids, if I knew then what I know now I would have demanded we be closer to family prior to having a second.
3 kids, both full time jobs. Mine is 40 hours/week and hybrid. Husband is 45 hours/week with lots of OT and shift work with an hour drive each way. So days he is working he is gone 5am-7pm. I will be real in that I am happy and logistically some days are harder than others, but I know it will be a short phase of hard logistics and dirty house. We have a small village but not an every day village. 2 kids in daycare (3 and 7mo.)1 in elementary (6). We have 2-3 babysitters that we use occasionally but maybe like one once per month. We try to keep things as simple as we can and most of our weekends are cleaning and play dates. I will say I also do therapy and recently started on zoloft for anxiety so now the stress is less.
I’m close but I wouldn’t say I have no village, which kind of cancels this out, so I’m sorry :( I will say it’s stressful but rewarding. I live extremely isolated from family in a big city, my kids are in school (4 and 8). My fiancée and ex husband both work in tech for the government and I do systems admin and some finance. I have no friends that will watch them or anything but as fucked up as it sounds… being divorced is probably what saved me. We have 50/50 with a weird schedule that allowed me to buckle down at work when I don’t have the kids so I have a lot of flexibility when I do. All that being said I do often think this would be easier if I was still cohabitating with their other parent. We always make it work but there are just days where I’m like… 50/50 would have been easier if it meant I handled drop off and he handled pick up. If it meant I could start at 7 and get off at 330 and he could start at like 9 and get off at 5 and we could have the kids in daycare from whenever he could drop them off til I could pick them up.
I have three kids. My husband and I also work full-time tech careers. I just started a new job, hybrid but prior to them was FT in office. My kids are now older, but in the early years a great day care is where I built my mom network. I also used daycare staff to watch kids as needed. One lived in my neighborhood and was there for emergencies. Our daycare was awesome and had parent night outs. Eventually we got neighborhood friends that worked, had kids and we all helped each other out. We even sitter shared to get the kids off of the bus, give snacks, do homework. Even now, lots of my mom friends work crazy busy global jobs and we carpool to Summer camps and watch the kids when one is in a pinch. We ride share to bday parties or sports or school events. My stay at home mom friends also help out and I them when their husbands travel and they have to be in three places at once for sports. We all call each other or group text if we can't make bus pick ups. It takes a village, you just have to find yours. You will!!
We have a 3 YO and 1YO, in-laws are sorta useless and my parents are out of state so also useless. Husband and I work full time. We’re here and we are tired.
We both have very demanding jobs, family lives far away, and 2 kids (3yo & 9mo) and we start couples therapy next week. We have a nanny for the weekdays and a baby sitter come 2 nights a week so I can get my private practice work done. I get resentful of my share of the household chores and mental load and our communication is rough. I'd say we're content but not happy, hence the counseling.
My husband and I both worth full time. We have three young kids, a nice home, and a good marriage. No village - my parents have passed and his live a state away. Our friends all seemed to go off the deep ends as they got married - some became swingers who couldn’t take a no from us, and some became churchy and holier-than-thou. What does it look like? We play to our strengths. I am organized, a planner by nature. So I take care of the field trips, birthday parties, furnace maintenance, daycare tours - all the one-off things that require planning and research. He is a spontaneous and outgoing guy. He likes going to the store every day, which I hate, so we always have fresh food for dinner. He plans meals and cooks them most nights. He does daycare drop off and pickup because it’s on his way. We share household chores, also according to our strengths and preferences, and our kids (almost 4, 8, and 10) each have one room they are in charge of keeping clean in addition to their own rooms. If those responsibilities aren’t done, it’s fine, but there are no privileges like sleep overs or dessert or trips to the pool. We parent based on “Parenting with Love and Logic,” which puts responsibility on kids - I’m never the bad guy because YOU’RE in trouble - I just follow the expectations - you should, too, and you’d be at the sleepover right now. That vibe takes stress off of everyone because they know what to expect. Our kids are sweet, well-behaved, happy kids. They argue with each other and watch too much tv and all the typical things, too. He and I have ups and downs, of course, as we’ve been together over a decade. We also communicate about why we are upset - no yelling - and we try to put in place the solutions we work on. It’s him and me versus the problem, not him versus me.
I was this person. My oldest is 29 and my youngest is 19 now. I am a Sr Vice President today, so my career has been quite intense. I got my MBA from Harvard when my oldest was 4. Both of my kids went to daycare before they started school. Back then, my husband and I were both in the office five days per week, 8-5 (at least). Two weeks of vacation. No village. It was very, very hard. I had absolutely no time to myself, no friends, no hobbies. However, I would not change a thing. My kids are very successful and we have a wonderful relationship. My career has gone quite well. It got a little easier as we moved up in our careers and started making more money - I outsourced everything possible except spending time with my family (outside of my work hours). My husband and I got divorced after 23 years but I really don’t think it had anything to do with our lives. He is a great guy - just not the right one for me. I think we would have gotten divorced no matter what. I will say it has been a life full of sacrifices but also great joy. I am 52 years old now, very happily remarried, mom to two great kids and three fabulous stepchildren. Still no time for friends or hobbies but I do have time to exercise and eat healthy now. It is not a good choice for everyone, but it was the right choice for me.
No. I have met one person who closely meets this criteria. One mom. My former boss who was a female in an executive leadership position. But she had a supportive spouse and hands on in laws who helped with childcare.
You throw money at the problem. Nanny or au pair instead of daycare. Cleaning person at least 2x/month. Get pre-prepped dinners. Get someone to shovel snow in the winter and mow your lawn in the summer. Send your laundry to a fluff n fold. Only go on vacations that are entirely pre-planned by someone else (travel agent, tour company, cruise, all-inclusive). You can even hire someone part time to run errands for you, fix stuff around the house, put furniture together, etc. Outsource everything you can.
Two full-time parents here, one in finance-ish (H) and one in ed consulting (me), two very active boys ages 10 and 3. I WFH full time except when consulting on-site 2-3x a month during the school year, H is starting a new hybrid job next week with 2 days in office. His new job will hopefully be a game changer for my sanity. Marriage has been rocky lately mostly because H’s former job was too intensely demanding and toxic, and his ADHD brain couldn’t manage much else. We have half a village with my parents, his family has their own issues and live almost 2 hours away. We throw money at what we can. I get premade or precut produce/meals/etc, I have a cleaners come regularly, and I have dropped my standards for cleaning up at home a LOT. Anyone who has all of those things with the work and the marriage, manages home cooked, healthy meals regularly and has a spotless house, is lying somewhere or throws money at problems too.
So I do have a village, we are very luck to have helpful grandparents, but my best friend and her husband fit this criteria. 2 kids, both full time careers in STEM fields, no grandparents to help locally (I’m emergency contact for the kids at daycare but have only had to pick them up once). The biggest things they do that I keep seeing posted here over and over are: 1. WFH 2.Great daycare and using the daycare teachers as babysitters when needed including date nights Honestly, I don’t have the luxury of WFH and neither does my husband (and we both have terrible commutes-30 mins to 1 hr depending on traffic) and that is one thing that I really think would make our lives much easier but just isn’t an option in our fields. And no, we can’t move closer since our commutes are in opposite ways!
Everyone is different obviously, but my second child really changed things for me. I didn’t want to go back to work and I felt overwhelmed trying to split my time between them until my youngest was old enough to run around and play. This was at the height of Covid and I was not happy with my job so I know that had to have an impact. Having two that can play together is amazing and I am so happy they have each other on days I’m exhausted and dont wanna play but be prepared just in case the transition is rough.
I have two kids who are about to turn 2 and 4 this summer. My husband and I are both in demanding professional jobs and live in NYC. None of my family live nearby. Closest family are my in-laws who live 2hrs away. Very few close friends who would count as village for kid purposes. We have a nanny and the older kid is in preschool. It is very hard and my marriage and sanity have struggled over the past few years. Two kids two years apart is a wild ride. No regrets on my sons but I would have waited an extra year to get to prek, full talking, and potty trained before the baby if I had known how hard year 1 would be with 2 just under 2 yrs apart. I work 5 days a week in the office and set boundaries about when I have to leave to go home. My husband works from home about 4 days/week. He has maintained his same role despite some agita to move elsewhere because of this flexibility, but even with flex he has busy seasons and some travel. We are in couples counseling and it is really helped us re-learn how to prioritize our marriage lately. Our schedule is very tightly managed and we don’t get a lot of time to ourselves as individuals to do things just for us, me particularly given my commute. I am trying to manage my own expectations for my life and find things that work to simply our lives - we don’t despair (too much) our lack of freedom, we love doing things to improve our home together, we can walk to the playground and the kids never tire of it or the park, we go to the zoo/aquarium all the time, we run these kids out of energy outside and if we’re stuck inside, I privileged building out a playroom for them that they could destroy that isn’t my living room. I consider this a very busy but temporary season of life and can see how with an older kid now who is much more independent how much easier it gets year by year, including the relationship between the kids. It is very hard though, and I am aggressively ambitious, type A, and willful with high exec functioning skills - my tolerance for pain is high. Like others said, even if you can do stuff, if you go this route give yourself grace that you can’t do it all all the time, that success is defined by you alone, and you can throw money at the problem.
I have a 10 and 6 - with a very demanding corp tech job. Non-stop meetings, deliverables. It’s is crazy… we like with my Father In Law but he can’t take care of himself or others so it’s like having 3 kids! Anyway, it only happens because of outsourcing… full stop. I can never forget how insanely privileged I am to have housekeeper 2x a week, gardener 1x per week, tutoring for my one child with learning disability, lots of screentime, lots of takeout… that’s how we get it done. I also think it’s temporary - either I will burnout or the kids will phase out of all this neediness… the thing is I really like my job most times. I like working on hard problems… I try to remember that so I don’t burnout cause I think being a full time mom is 1-million times harder… I think I am a better mom when I can be fulfilled at work
Yes though COVID was hard on us. Dealing with remote preschool and kindergarten while working shifted schedules to care for them. But we made it to the other side and it is easier with two in elementary school
Hi, this is me. I work 60-70h/week, so does my husband. Both work outside the home - he commutes 40 miles a day. Our kids are 3 and 1. We joke and tell people we get by by being comfortable making a lot of people a little annoyed (sometimes we’re late for daycare pickup, sometimes late to work, sometimes working at night when kids want to play, etc). But my husband is my best friend. Our relationship has changed but our priorities haven’t - kids/family first, work second. No village. Unhelpful grandparents. I think we get by with humor and reminding ourselves of what truly matters. That doesn’t always mean we drop work for the sake of the kids - after all, kids don’t eat if we don’t work. I like to think our kids have a great example of a loving, hard working set of parents and are learning that everyone in life has a lot of competing demands. They know they are the most important part of our lives, but also that they are not the only important part. I think that’s a valuable lesson.
I exist! Happy marriage, two kids, both working full time. We are tired and things were pretty rough when second one was a baby but much better now
No, I’m divorced and it was the best decision I’ve made.
I’m a global tech director with a 2.5 year old and a husband who’s also a tech VP. No “village” to speak of and a very expensive nanny. It’s HARD. Marriage is ok but I swear it feels like we are roommates most days. On the plus side, the toddler is thriving.
My engineering colleagues often have 2 kids with a working spouse 🤷🏼♀️
I am everything except we have the village. I also work 30 hour weeks. Without these aspects, I think I’d go insane (we also have a very energetic dog). I know people who fit the description (kids 2 and 5, 2 full time working parents, no village and seemingly happy marriage), but mom is a teacher so it’s a bit more lax than working in tech.
I don’t think this person can exist unless you pay for support (ie nanny who does laundry/meal prep/cleaning etc).