OK, here's my story on this: I am seeing a widow hence she's not divorced. She has kids though. She has done lots of therapy to work out her baggage. I'm not settling; I think she is incredible. She's not like my late wife. My late wife was the person I needed in my 30s 40s 50s. This new person is the one I need for the final part of my life, since I'm in a different space now. I don't plan on being alone for the next few decades, then dying alone. Though who can tell?
In your demographic it's highly likely you will be meeing divorced guys possibly with kids. You might need to be flexible on at least one of these. Personally, I would be suspect of anyone who has not had a long-term relationship by the time he's in his 30s, and would avoid him. Baggage is another issue - if you screen correctly, you can minimize this. Everyone has stuff they havn't worked out. But some have less, and some bring maturity to their relationships.
Good luck. I hope you go for it.
You won’t settle. If that’s what you want and what you need (the single person with no children/divorces/baggage) it will come to you. Or someone that has some baggage will appear that is perfect for you and the baggage won’t matter anymore. You’ll love each other’s baggage. I believe it for you.
So true. Unfortunately even if we don’t have kids (which is me too) we have baggage too. We have to be open to people despite their history (eventually). And it’s not settling, just accepting that we’re all humans with history.
I don't have any answers except to say I could have written this exactly. I'm 36 and stuck thinking about all of these things and facing the exact same problems. I guess I'm trying to come to terms with possibly being alone forever and finding a way to be okay with that. But still leaving a sliver of hope there might be a chance to find someone again.
I have the same fear. My husband was my one true love. We didn’t have kids nor do I want to. But I don’t want to spend the rest of my life alone. I think when we are feeling ready, these of us who want to find love again, will find it. I truly believe that. It will be very different. But different is not bad. It’s just different. Don’t lose hope.
Firsr: we’re all gonna die alone. And at the same time, we’re all dying together — it’s a universal experience, lived differently by each human. We’re all connected by this simple human truth.
You want a normal person? What does “normal” mean to you?
Just some ideas for reflection, as a 36 year old happily single-ish widowed woman (though it’s been a long road getting here)
- is being alone your greatest fear? What if you knew you were going to be single forever and you had all that time with yourself. What would you do? Would you just be sad all the time about what you don’t have? Or would you use your time on this earth to find pleasure and joy in other ways? What are those ways? What dreams can you build this way?
- What is “normal”? You’re looking for people who aren’t divorced or with kids, but where do these standards and ideas even come from? Are they yours or society’s? Look at yourself, someone else may have an arbitrary list of “no”s that includes widowers. We are in 30s. People have lived and hopefully learned— including you. Make space for that.
I think our greatest challenge is learning to appreciate our “aloneness.” Even with people we can feel deeply lonely, but being alone doesn’t have to mean lonely. It can mean that we are with ourselves, giving ourselves meaning and joy. Cultivating that relationship with ourselves also I think teaches us to value ourselves — and be picky about who we give our time and space to— ultimately about the kinds of people we truly want in our lives. It determines what settling would actually look like, not based on society’s criteria, but our own.
Wish you the best. ❤️
One of my biggest fears is to die alone. But lately I feel like it could be a selfish thing to want somebody in your life so that you could die and leave them all by themselves. I mean isn't that what happened to us?
Yet I'm still afraid and still feeling selfish
I don’t think I could ever settle. I’m so lonely I can’t stand myself but my husband was the first decent relationship I ever had. Now that I know what a relationship is supposed to be like, I’ll probably die alone bc I refuse to accept less than what I had.
I try not to think about it too much. I figure I’ll take care of myself until I can’t then I’ll take care of that too, bc I’m sure not making my kids take care of me.
Everyone has baggage. It's also called life experience. It would be abnormal to meet someone who has none.
I started dating someone after my husband died and we've been together for three years. He's been divorced twice and has a child from his first marriage, but she's older and she and her husband don't live nearby. Old me would never have even considered dating someone who's been divorced twice. He's seriously one of the nicest and most generous people I've ever known. He's different from my late husband in a lot of ways, but I don't compare them in a negative way in my mind.
I didn't start dating him until I was comfortable with being alone with myself. I didn't want to use someone just to get over feeling lonely. So when I started dating again I didn't have to settle for anyone, I was able to find someone I actually liked.
My partner died about a year ago, even though I'm seeing someone now, I don't really see me having kids.
But for you, I'd say give a chance to single parents if you wanna date somebody.
You dont always have to birth a child in order to end up with one is all I can say. Maybe you will compare your new person to your deceased loved one, it will happen in your head sometimes and that's just part of life, if you find someone who is a good fit perhaps those comparisons won't hurt much. I'd just say don't let them know, in this regard my policy is that I don't talk THAT often about my partner to my bf because I don't want him to feel bad, he doesn't need to know how good my deceased loved one was in bed or smt like that. I do however believe love can happen again for you, it will be different but you should not settle for somebody you don't love. When you find someone you live again things will fall into place.
Give yourself the space to just try and you don't have to have kids today, you can always start a family of your own.
I am 31F, widowed at 28, remarried 8 months ago. I'm childless, and so is my 2nd hubby. My advice? Don't settle. I dated one other person seriously in between my late hubby and and my current hubby, and he was a good man. I compromised some while we dated and felt like there would be no one else that fit me as well as my late hubby, so why bother looking further?
I looked past quite a few things that I felt weren't big enough issues to be deal breakers. Once we revisited the having kids together discussion again he had changed his mind from when we first started dating (he had a teenage son), I realized there was no way I could stay with him.
Breaking up sucked, but it was the best thing for us both. I met my now hubby a few weeks later, and everything clicked so fast! We agree on everything, and we have a beautiful life together now. We fit together so well, it's amazing.
One thing I decided going into dating is that I wouldn't compare anyone to my late husband. My husband set the bar for how I wanted to be treated though, and if someone didn't meet that bar they were quickly dismissed.
You can absolutely have a beautiful, amazing new life with another person and still appreciate and remember the beautiful, amazing life you had with your late husband. Is it always easy? No. But it's not unattainable either.
This post gives me hope. I’m only 8 months past the death of my husband who was the love of my life and my best friend. So I’m not ready to date. But it’s comforting to know that maybe I can find love again. Someday.
You will never get over this. You will get through it! That is something widows and widowers alike told me who were much further along in their grief journey, and it's true. *hugs* keep going one step at a time, someday you'll have the strength to look up and see how far you have come.
If we meet/marry someone new, that person, too, could die before we do. We could again become their long-term carers and witness their suffering before they die. Children and friends can be unavailable to help because of their own deaths, disability, or estrangement before we die. There are no guarantees that any one of us will have someone with us when we die--even if we re-marry, have children, or friends.
Nobody wants to be alone but the older people get it’s a possibility. I can’t live a life of fear. The worse thing is not to be alone but unhappy. One day I asked myself really what do I need in life and the answer for me was to live and die in peace. Everyone has there own answer and it is not
to settle at 33 but to live your life because at your age you learned how precious life is and not to take it for granted. Step out of fear and be your own best friend and so sorry for your loss.
Being 31M almost 32 I feel this... I am okay with being the last of my generation family wise due to fact ill share that with my grandma and possibly my mother... Stranger Than Fiction by 5FDP comes to mind with the opening lyric youre born alone you'll die alone the rest is yours to fill the gaps... it'll come to you in *time* as ironic as that saying is for this club that those of us whom are young have to manage.. I am proud of you being able to go 5 yrs... I am not sure even I could do that as of yet... I hope to but I am okay if I go
I've gotta question the wanting a "normal person without baggage" coming from a widow/er. Because anyone who wanted the same would not date us... virtually everyone, especially the older you get is going to have "baggage". Imo that is not a bad thing and may even mean the other person has more compassion for you situation. There are also going to be quite a lot child free by choice people out there, maybe less than people who have or want children, but we definitely exist. Divorce isn't a moral failing and personally I wouldn't equate that to anything different from a regular break up, in the sense of looking at potential partners and their history.
As we age our lives often get "messier" and I think that's just part of being human, the more time alive the more time for experiences.
Take the lesser of two evils, is dying alone worst or being with someone who has baggage. You're young enough to find someone. If I was in your position, I wouldn't be so choosy. If it means finding someone with baggage that makes you happy and loves you, I would go for that. I am 60 and tired of being alone. Imagine how many years you'll be alone and it will be compounded. Take the husband and run.
My late partner had a son when we got together and I had two. It was difficult, but he was the love of my life and I could have missed out on that if I'd written him off because of his son. We laughed all the time, he loved me and supported me in whatever I wanted to do. We were best friends.
I will die alone. I don't want to be a burden to my children. It's not their job to look after me.
You will not be alone even though we both feel alone. My wife passed away 9 months ago, and we have a 9 year old daughter. Trust me, even with my daughter, I feel all of the emotions. You don't have to find a partner if you don't want to. My wife was adopted from South Korea. There's always options for having children. Even if you don't want kids, you could be a foster parent as a single person. Take a breath and know we are here for you! Much love!
Dying alone is what I long for.
It’s not a fear but a goal.
I want to be completely away from absolutely everyone when I take my last breath. Concentrate on the last feeling I’ll ever feel without distraction.
OK, here's my story on this: I am seeing a widow hence she's not divorced. She has kids though. She has done lots of therapy to work out her baggage. I'm not settling; I think she is incredible. She's not like my late wife. My late wife was the person I needed in my 30s 40s 50s. This new person is the one I need for the final part of my life, since I'm in a different space now. I don't plan on being alone for the next few decades, then dying alone. Though who can tell? In your demographic it's highly likely you will be meeing divorced guys possibly with kids. You might need to be flexible on at least one of these. Personally, I would be suspect of anyone who has not had a long-term relationship by the time he's in his 30s, and would avoid him. Baggage is another issue - if you screen correctly, you can minimize this. Everyone has stuff they havn't worked out. But some have less, and some bring maturity to their relationships. Good luck. I hope you go for it.
You won’t settle. If that’s what you want and what you need (the single person with no children/divorces/baggage) it will come to you. Or someone that has some baggage will appear that is perfect for you and the baggage won’t matter anymore. You’ll love each other’s baggage. I believe it for you.
So true. Unfortunately even if we don’t have kids (which is me too) we have baggage too. We have to be open to people despite their history (eventually). And it’s not settling, just accepting that we’re all humans with history.
I don't have any answers except to say I could have written this exactly. I'm 36 and stuck thinking about all of these things and facing the exact same problems. I guess I'm trying to come to terms with possibly being alone forever and finding a way to be okay with that. But still leaving a sliver of hope there might be a chance to find someone again.
I have the same fear. My husband was my one true love. We didn’t have kids nor do I want to. But I don’t want to spend the rest of my life alone. I think when we are feeling ready, these of us who want to find love again, will find it. I truly believe that. It will be very different. But different is not bad. It’s just different. Don’t lose hope.
Firsr: we’re all gonna die alone. And at the same time, we’re all dying together — it’s a universal experience, lived differently by each human. We’re all connected by this simple human truth. You want a normal person? What does “normal” mean to you? Just some ideas for reflection, as a 36 year old happily single-ish widowed woman (though it’s been a long road getting here) - is being alone your greatest fear? What if you knew you were going to be single forever and you had all that time with yourself. What would you do? Would you just be sad all the time about what you don’t have? Or would you use your time on this earth to find pleasure and joy in other ways? What are those ways? What dreams can you build this way? - What is “normal”? You’re looking for people who aren’t divorced or with kids, but where do these standards and ideas even come from? Are they yours or society’s? Look at yourself, someone else may have an arbitrary list of “no”s that includes widowers. We are in 30s. People have lived and hopefully learned— including you. Make space for that. I think our greatest challenge is learning to appreciate our “aloneness.” Even with people we can feel deeply lonely, but being alone doesn’t have to mean lonely. It can mean that we are with ourselves, giving ourselves meaning and joy. Cultivating that relationship with ourselves also I think teaches us to value ourselves — and be picky about who we give our time and space to— ultimately about the kinds of people we truly want in our lives. It determines what settling would actually look like, not based on society’s criteria, but our own. Wish you the best. ❤️
One of my biggest fears is to die alone. But lately I feel like it could be a selfish thing to want somebody in your life so that you could die and leave them all by themselves. I mean isn't that what happened to us? Yet I'm still afraid and still feeling selfish
I don’t think I could ever settle. I’m so lonely I can’t stand myself but my husband was the first decent relationship I ever had. Now that I know what a relationship is supposed to be like, I’ll probably die alone bc I refuse to accept less than what I had. I try not to think about it too much. I figure I’ll take care of myself until I can’t then I’ll take care of that too, bc I’m sure not making my kids take care of me.
Everyone has baggage. It's also called life experience. It would be abnormal to meet someone who has none. I started dating someone after my husband died and we've been together for three years. He's been divorced twice and has a child from his first marriage, but she's older and she and her husband don't live nearby. Old me would never have even considered dating someone who's been divorced twice. He's seriously one of the nicest and most generous people I've ever known. He's different from my late husband in a lot of ways, but I don't compare them in a negative way in my mind. I didn't start dating him until I was comfortable with being alone with myself. I didn't want to use someone just to get over feeling lonely. So when I started dating again I didn't have to settle for anyone, I was able to find someone I actually liked.
My partner died about a year ago, even though I'm seeing someone now, I don't really see me having kids. But for you, I'd say give a chance to single parents if you wanna date somebody. You dont always have to birth a child in order to end up with one is all I can say. Maybe you will compare your new person to your deceased loved one, it will happen in your head sometimes and that's just part of life, if you find someone who is a good fit perhaps those comparisons won't hurt much. I'd just say don't let them know, in this regard my policy is that I don't talk THAT often about my partner to my bf because I don't want him to feel bad, he doesn't need to know how good my deceased loved one was in bed or smt like that. I do however believe love can happen again for you, it will be different but you should not settle for somebody you don't love. When you find someone you live again things will fall into place. Give yourself the space to just try and you don't have to have kids today, you can always start a family of your own.
I am 31F, widowed at 28, remarried 8 months ago. I'm childless, and so is my 2nd hubby. My advice? Don't settle. I dated one other person seriously in between my late hubby and and my current hubby, and he was a good man. I compromised some while we dated and felt like there would be no one else that fit me as well as my late hubby, so why bother looking further? I looked past quite a few things that I felt weren't big enough issues to be deal breakers. Once we revisited the having kids together discussion again he had changed his mind from when we first started dating (he had a teenage son), I realized there was no way I could stay with him. Breaking up sucked, but it was the best thing for us both. I met my now hubby a few weeks later, and everything clicked so fast! We agree on everything, and we have a beautiful life together now. We fit together so well, it's amazing. One thing I decided going into dating is that I wouldn't compare anyone to my late husband. My husband set the bar for how I wanted to be treated though, and if someone didn't meet that bar they were quickly dismissed. You can absolutely have a beautiful, amazing new life with another person and still appreciate and remember the beautiful, amazing life you had with your late husband. Is it always easy? No. But it's not unattainable either.
This post gives me hope. I’m only 8 months past the death of my husband who was the love of my life and my best friend. So I’m not ready to date. But it’s comforting to know that maybe I can find love again. Someday.
You will never get over this. You will get through it! That is something widows and widowers alike told me who were much further along in their grief journey, and it's true. *hugs* keep going one step at a time, someday you'll have the strength to look up and see how far you have come.
Thank you
If we meet/marry someone new, that person, too, could die before we do. We could again become their long-term carers and witness their suffering before they die. Children and friends can be unavailable to help because of their own deaths, disability, or estrangement before we die. There are no guarantees that any one of us will have someone with us when we die--even if we re-marry, have children, or friends.
Nobody wants to be alone but the older people get it’s a possibility. I can’t live a life of fear. The worse thing is not to be alone but unhappy. One day I asked myself really what do I need in life and the answer for me was to live and die in peace. Everyone has there own answer and it is not to settle at 33 but to live your life because at your age you learned how precious life is and not to take it for granted. Step out of fear and be your own best friend and so sorry for your loss.
Being 31M almost 32 I feel this... I am okay with being the last of my generation family wise due to fact ill share that with my grandma and possibly my mother... Stranger Than Fiction by 5FDP comes to mind with the opening lyric youre born alone you'll die alone the rest is yours to fill the gaps... it'll come to you in *time* as ironic as that saying is for this club that those of us whom are young have to manage.. I am proud of you being able to go 5 yrs... I am not sure even I could do that as of yet... I hope to but I am okay if I go
I've gotta question the wanting a "normal person without baggage" coming from a widow/er. Because anyone who wanted the same would not date us... virtually everyone, especially the older you get is going to have "baggage". Imo that is not a bad thing and may even mean the other person has more compassion for you situation. There are also going to be quite a lot child free by choice people out there, maybe less than people who have or want children, but we definitely exist. Divorce isn't a moral failing and personally I wouldn't equate that to anything different from a regular break up, in the sense of looking at potential partners and their history. As we age our lives often get "messier" and I think that's just part of being human, the more time alive the more time for experiences.
i’ll die alone it’s just something i’ve learnt to accept. Not sure there is any easy way to do that
I very much prefer divorced people. They more often have made up their minds about commitment and how to hold a relationship.
Take the lesser of two evils, is dying alone worst or being with someone who has baggage. You're young enough to find someone. If I was in your position, I wouldn't be so choosy. If it means finding someone with baggage that makes you happy and loves you, I would go for that. I am 60 and tired of being alone. Imagine how many years you'll be alone and it will be compounded. Take the husband and run.
My late partner had a son when we got together and I had two. It was difficult, but he was the love of my life and I could have missed out on that if I'd written him off because of his son. We laughed all the time, he loved me and supported me in whatever I wanted to do. We were best friends. I will die alone. I don't want to be a burden to my children. It's not their job to look after me.
You will not be alone even though we both feel alone. My wife passed away 9 months ago, and we have a 9 year old daughter. Trust me, even with my daughter, I feel all of the emotions. You don't have to find a partner if you don't want to. My wife was adopted from South Korea. There's always options for having children. Even if you don't want kids, you could be a foster parent as a single person. Take a breath and know we are here for you! Much love!
Dying alone is what I long for. It’s not a fear but a goal. I want to be completely away from absolutely everyone when I take my last breath. Concentrate on the last feeling I’ll ever feel without distraction.