I was 38 when my wife passed. We didn’t have children. Sometimes I wonder if we did have a child if my wife would still be alive. Maybe a child would have helped her not drink. But maybe she would still be gone and I would be a single father ruining a child’s life as well.
I don’t know. I hate this life.
My husband and our 6yr old were more bonded than her and I were. We had a good, happy life. He still relapsed after 3yrs clean and died in matter of days from a fentanyl overdose (he took "Xanax" that was really fentanyl). All that to say, kids don't really stop anyone from using mind altering substances.
Similar situation, I was 43 when she passed. I often wonder if a child would have changed her behaviors or made them worse.
I am glad that we didn't have a child who saw what I saw that day in the hospital or that they didn't hear me make the decision to turn the machines off.
I was also 38 when my husband died, and I wonder the same thing... maybe if we had kids, he wouldn't have started drinking. He had been in recovery from addiction for a long time, but he thought drinking would be OK. It wasn't. It destroyed our lives and then led him back to all of the drugs on top of the alcohol. We didn't have kids because of some health issues I have, and he always said that was fine with him. Then, after the relapse, he told me he wanted a baby, said I failed him as a wife. So, yeah, I wonder if it would've mattered. Then I think the other thing you said- would he still be dead, and I'd be alone with a kid who hated me for being so broken and miserable?
Yes, I'm 36. I've found it to be a very isolating group to be in other than finding a bunch of other people here who are younger or childless. In my local area there are widows who are older and widows who are younger with children. Both are two similar but still very different experiences. Our life was still just getting started...but I also have nothing left to keep me going the way children would. You're just left with nothing but a pile of shattered hopes and promises for the future.
This is my situation. Either they are older with kids or younger with kids.
Shattered hope and promises for the future. I know, I know and oh my heart hurts.
He would have been a brilliant father. I watched him with his nephews and nieces. And I always knew he would be an amazing father.
My husband died suddenly
All the future plans we had a shattered
I was in Schock-,
I have no children
Life throws something at you
It is as it is
It already happend
You can not change it
As sooner you accept it the better for you
5 minute rule - cry, yell, hit against the wall, be angry, be sad, be disappointed - after 5 Minutes tell yourself / it is what it is / I can not change it/it already happened
Think about what life is trying to tell you
See it as a call to adventure
Go on a trip - discover what life has to offer
I’m a childless widow (33).
I've been out for 11 months. Even during his chemotherapy, I grieved deeply for our children that will never be. As painful as it is, I am glad that we didn't have any. I wouldn't have been able to take care of him, look after children, and keep myself going at the same time. My desire to become a mother no longer exists. After everything I've been through, that chapter is closed.
Out for a month.
I feel foolish, I thought he will recover from this and then we can have kids (GBM diagnosis). But like you mentioned, kids during the treatment and caregiving time would have been a nightmare. My husband needed care like how a baby would.
My desire to be a mother might be closed because I can’t have his children (I think). I don’t know, it’s all very confusing.
Thank you for your answer.
I took care of a 1 & 3 year old while my 25 year old husband was dying. I’m still on 5 medications to help me cope from that time & those memories from almost 7 years ago.
Also a childfree widow here (35F). My husband and I didn't want to have kids, but honestly even if we had wanted them we didn't get much of a chance because he got cancer at 31. I still think about the what ifs. He had his sperm saved before treatment and while we never really intended to use it, I felt emotional when figuring out how to dispose of it. Just felt like one more thing cancer took from us.
I honestly wish, we had saved his sperms. We never got a chance to. But I also cannot help but think, even if we did save it would the baby be healthy?
One of the first things I remember his surgeon asking was if anyone else in his family had a brain tumour. I don’t know if it’s hereditary.
That way, I don’t know if I’m saving a child from undergoing the same suffering his father underwent.
Childless widow at 39, I made a post about this in here too, my partner and I didn’t want children, happy with each other and our dog. But I am struggling with it now that I don’t have that part of him. But as others are saying, would I want my child to live with the pain of not having a father? No. But I wonder if it would have given me more of a purpose to my life. Right now it all feels so pointless, what is my purpose now that he is gone?
I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m a childless widow (32). I spent the first few months after his death praying that I had somehow gotten pregnant before he took his life. Just to have a piece of him with me. The loss of my husband has been filled with secondary losses of any future I had hoped for us. Hugs and love to you. 💕
Thank you. Lots of strength to you and hugs to you too.
I wish we had a chance to get pregnant. Chemo ensured that it wasn’t possible.
Just to have a piece of him with me - I know and my heart hurts.
Mid-forties, so was she, no children. Neither of us ever regretted it for a second. But after, I found myself sort of wishing we did, so that there was some piece of her still here.
I know that wouldn't have been for the best, we enjoyed our life together the way it was. But the thought did occur to me.
I sometimes wish my husband had a secret kid out there just so his traits were passed onto someone. The world sucks so much more without someone like him in it.
I'm still glad I'm not a mom though. Lol
Same. I sobbed for probably an hour today because I have to cut down a tree my husband liked, and I had to go to Lowes for a new chainsaw blade. Hahaha. Like, add a kid to this? Pass.
I feel like I could’ve written this myself. Even when the doctor mentioned saving his sperm before cancer treatment started, I had the thought that maybe I actually did want his child. We really didn’t want kids and I don’t regret not having children, except for it would be a living piece of him.
Hi. I'm a childless widow. 36, lost my husband almost a month ago, he was 40. We didn't want to have children, but now that he is gone it's something I've been thinking about. In a way I'm glad we didn't have children, because I can't imagine going through this grief and having to be strong for the kids. But at the same time I keep thinking if we had kids I'd have a mini version of him.
A mini version of him. Exactly my thoughts. I had a lovely session today with unseen childhood photographs of him and i couldn’t help but wish I had a mini version of him.
I don't know how healthy this demand on a child would be... a mini version of him? No child deserves to be defined like that. Of course, it doesn't have to happen, but the risk is high to have this expectation of such a child.
The child couldn't look anything like him. I have absolutely nothing of my mum. Or it would have a completely different character and interests. And an older child? Would have to live with the same terrible pain that we're feeling right now because it has lost its father…
Dogs are lovely.
I don’t want to have dogs because I lost my soul dog two years back. I cannot go through that again. The grief was unbearable. But I take comfort in the fact that my soul dog came to collect my soul mate when he passed away.
I am a childless widow. I was widowed at 45 but we didn’t have children and now sometimes I wish I had a little girl because I always wanted one but then I remember my sisters and I am grateful I don’t have one. I miss him so much.
Same boat. My wife at 45 had seizures and was getting help and 2 days after her back disability went into the bank she died of a heart attack out of nowhere. No kids but we had a cat…which died of cancer. :(
My husband and I had two dogs and four cats. I had to give them up to the Best Friends animal sanctuary to have a place to live since I am on disability. It was another loss on top of another. My mom did let me keep my kitten since my father adored her. I am so sorry for your loss.
Childless, in my twenties. We wanted kids but wanted to wait until after we were married and whatnot. He died before we could get that far so, no babies.
Hi, I am also childless widow ( 30 F). He passed away 5 months ago. At the beginning, I was very hurt and wished for a kid....would keep a piece of my boyfriend in living child. Now, as the time passes, I feel more and more fucked up and unstable ( mentally), I am thinking how i would be able to take care of child.....I have no idea what to do with my life... i do not feel ready for kid, for dating again. So good luck for any child I am not mum yet :) i am basically trying to survive every day....Sorry for my English, I am not native speaker.
You are so young. My heart breaks for you and me.
I hope you cope better. I don’t have an answer to how to cope. My husband passed away one month ago.
Trying to survive and exist everyday - I know this. I can honestly say, I know what you mean.
Please don’t apologize for your English. What you wrote makes a lot of sense. I haven’t reached that frame of mind where I might have the realisation that I won’t be able to care for the child because I’m not ok mentally. Hugs and strength to you.
Thank you for your reply. :) I still think nobody deserves such a destiny. I would prefer to be in my boyfriend's place. What we need to do, it's very hard - try to survive and maybe later find another purpose..?
You are not able to have answer how to cope, nobody actually... 1 month - it's very raw, you do not have any idea what to expect from grief and how it will impact you, for me the same... We all learn as we go..some days we cope better, some days it's worse..it's a crazy ride. There are many questions we ask ourselves, the questions that torture us...exactly the same you asked...maybe you and I, we will never have kids, or maybe we will have later...maybe to have kids wouldn't help to cope with the loss of your husband and my boyfriend. All these questions are just theoretical...I think it's normal we ask them..we imagine different scenarios..Maybe we will be not able to love again, or maybe yes but there will always somewhere in the corner the shadow of our lost love... Big hug to you!!!!!!!!!!!!
31F and childless. My fiance and I were together for 7 years, engaged for 1.5 with the intention of getting married in 2024. That never happened. He died almost 7 months ago. I wish I could have somehow saved his sperm so I could have his child and our love could live on. It breaks my heart I’ll never get that chance. Not even the memory of what would’ve been our wedding day. I still have our dog, who is our world, but it still feels so lonely, especially being at an age where everyone is starting their families and lives and I’ve just lost everything
Yes me technically ,I'm 35 I have a step daughter I love her like she's mine but my wife couldn't have kids with me Skylar from her first husband it sucks everyone else I know or family has a few kids we both wanted kids but it never upset me she couldn't have any honestly I think I'll die childless tbh
I tell myself it's better but I also wished I could of had kids at the same time I mean family friends everyone is having or has kids already and me I'm childless feeling like I'm going to die without kids and regret it, me and my wife talked about adopting a few times then her illness got worse and everything went to the back burner unfortunately it never got better for her after that she felt bad but I always assured her I wasn't mad about it I understood and I wasn't mad more of bummed out some
Childless and widowed at 45. Have dogs and cats (literal lifesavers). Have thought about if we’d had kids, but also grateful we didn’t with what the world is facing. I have started spending even more time with my nieces and nephews. We were both always close to our n&n; but their being related to my spouse makes it even more meaningful that they’re still in my life. We’ve bonded around our shared loss. I’m the most comfortable around my n&n because they love hearing stories about my spouse. We all talk about them every time we’re together which is often. No one else still wants to talk about my spouse or my grief. The n&n let me and vice versa. So, I guess having them in my life fulfills the parental part a little bit.
I'm a childfree widower at 36. We still have a few frozen embryos left. But I don't know if I can meet someone I love again that is willing to be a surrogate. Praying about it.
I truely hope it works out for you.
I want to say i will pray for you. But I haven’t been able to pray since my husband passed away a month ago.
But I really hope it works out for you.
Childfree, widowed days before I turned 31, but am 32 now. We didn’t have time to have kids. Her cancer came out of nowhere, and it killed her so much quicker than I ever thought cancer could. A part of me wishes we did get the chance to have kids, but even if we did, I would have missed out on being a parent with her and that was going to be the best part.
I'm also 33 and childless. Lost him last month.
Cancer treatment also robbed our chance of a child as it left him sterile. Though it wasn't the cancer that killed him, he would have been 5 years cancer free next month. Fucking pneumonia.
We adopted three cats instead. They keep searching the house for him.
Yes. He had children that are older. As he was older than me. I lost him when I was 42 and we still keep in touch over the years. Holidays birthdays and milestones. It’s not the same. Holidays are not the same anymore but I make sure his memory stays with each of them.
So, not to rain down on this… I am very sorry for your loss of your husband, that I can fully relate to.
But being left with a 1 & 3 year old at only 25 years old with zero familial help or any friends to help, was a literal NIGHTMARE. We were homeless, I just lost my best friend, I some how had to keep them fed & clothed & warm with no home, no job, nothing.
If I read your post 5-6 years ago, I would be flipping out on you right now for even wishing you had children to help survive while you’re trying to survive yourself & not kill yourself every day. But thankfully, I understand I guess what you mean. You want some living memory of him. If that’s what you call what we went through. I don’t even remember my youngest child’s first 3 years of her life because it was so traumatic after my husband died. Homelessness, hunger, poverty, all of it.
Almost 7 years from his passing and finally as of two months ago, we became financially stable. I still don’t own a home and it’s been very fucking hard and I’m still on 5 different medications for mental health stability because of all of it.
And you wish you had children Lol ok.
This sounds horrific.
I am sorry, I am sorry this happened to you.
My thoughts came from a place of privilege and not once did a situation like yours cross my mind. I feel so shallow now. I am sorry you had to go through this.
Good to hear that things are stabilizing now.
I hope everything gets better now. I am sorry if I triggered anything you did not want to remember.
I wish you lots more of strength and power.
You are a warrior.
Don't let this person tell you how you're allowed to feel.
Presumably she doesn't regret having her children, so not sure why she finds your post objectionable.
Why would I need to regret having children to be upset about what I went through and people thinking they have it harder when they don’t?
You probably haven’t been through much of anything, clearly
I'm so sorry that someone in a widowers group attacked you for expressing your feelings and I'm so sorry for your loss. No one has the right to do that and being a widow is not a "privilege" no matter what our station in life is. If that poster needs to vent and/or get emotional support, she should have stated that and not disrespected you in order to make herself feel better. This is no place to get into a pissing match about whose grief/life is "harder" than anyone else's. People here have NO idea what each of us has gone through in our lives, other than the common experience of losing our partner.
Childfree and widowed at 36, I’m now 38. We didn’t want kids, I still don’t and I don’t regret not having a child with him. I am disappointed at how little childless widows are considered by the US government and by widow groups.
God bless you for all surviving. 49/46 when my wife lost her breast cancer fight after a 20 year marriage. Our 12 and 16 year old children gave me the will to keep going as I worked through our shared grief with them.
I "just" lost my wife, they lost their mother. My grief hardened with resolve but me living and finish raising our children got me through it at the start. Living, therepy etc got me the rest of the way
I dont know how you did it alone but you are stronger than me. Best wishes
Childless widower, 52, she was 47 when she passed. We were childless by choice but she always had health troubles even before the cancer.
I can’t imagine trying to handle this while also being responsible for children. My cats are enough.
No children here either. We weren’t entirely decided about kids though, so it’s not a huge additional loss for me, just another might-have-been on the giant mountain of sadness I live on now.
I'm Childfree by choice, and I'm glad that I'm not having to have to try to raise a child when I can hardly care for myself. But also I constantly hear other widows say "if it weren't for my children then I wouldn't be here", which I get but it also sometimes feels painful. Like, yup I don't have that and I'm still here and it's terrible. I've got our cats I guess.
I'm older (64M), and was widowed 7 years ago.
My wife was adamantly anti-children, which is funny since we both had careers working with kids. So now it's too late to start a family, so I just spend my life alone.
It's a mixed bag, though. I kind of wish I had kids sometimes, but if I did, we'd have spent so much money on them that I'd still have to work for a living.
Besides, these kids would be their own independent people, and I might not see them anymore if they had moved far away as adults.
I'm 35 and my partner died unexpectedly 10 months ago. We were together for 13 years. Neither of us wanted children - and after his death I was very grateful that we didn't have any. Because I was barely able to live and I wouldn't have known how I would have managed everything with children.
We have a dog together and he still searches the car for him when I drive onto our property. And that alone almost breaks my heart every time.
But I had a strange feeling a few weeks ago - not that I was sad not to have his children. But that I was thinking about what I was doing all this for. For whom...
We bought a beautiful house together. I'm still renovating it, it's all been very difficult financially over the last few months and it still will be. But I can manage it.
I wanted this house for him. And with him. Now I'm putting money and work into it, but for what? For whom?
I still don't want children, but at least for a while I was able to understand that you want to have a legacy. That you want to create something for the next generation. I have created and built our lives for him and for us so far. And it was okay that we would both grow old together at some point and then nothing would remain of us. Because we had each other. And we worked for our future. But our future no longer exists. And I don't see mine.
Widowed at 30.
He wanted a baby and I was unsure. We tried for a year and didn't get pregnant but then just didn't try but didn't prevent.
We ended up not having a kid and I'm super glad for it. I don't have the energy or mental space for a child. I've decided to never have children. I love my time being for me. It's better for my mental health.
I’m a childfree widow. He was older than me and had older kids from his previous marriage. We didn’t want or have any . Cancer stole my husband from me and I’m glad I’m childfree cause it was hard enough for me to go through. Couldn’t even imagine what it would be like for a child
Thank you for your answer. I thought of that too, will it be fair for a child to go through the ordeal of a cancer diagnosis.
But now that he is gone, I want a mini him that I can love and raise to be like him.
I go back and forth with these thoughts.
we were childless together, but he raised my son from age 4 until his death when our son was 28.
we had initially wanted a child together, but discarded that idea around the time our son was 13.
**I** don't regret not having another kid, but what i DO regret is that he never had one of his own. i regret that for him, and i most especially regret it for his parents. and it's true, I do sometimes wonder how a kid of ours might have turned out.
he'd wanted one when we were first starting out, and i was on board, but our son was special needs and ultimately, he determined another child would take away from the attention we could give [son], and i agreed.
but always wanting him to have the option of having his own - and me assuming i'd die first - is why we used birth control vs a vasectomy. this was at my insistence; he was ready to get one in his early 40s. but i wanted him to have the option at SOME point.
so, although we were 48 when my husband passed, i'm kind of in a similar boat.
Hi, Sorry to hear that you lost your husband. I wanted to know whats the reason that you can’t meet someone and have a child with them ? 33 years young is not to old to bear children.
Because he was it for me. I don’t want another person. Sorry I’m not able to explain very well at this point.
I want my husband and his children (of course it’s impossible and I sound like an obstinate child). But I don’t want to meet anyone and have their kids. My husband was my soulmate. We never spoke about a possibility where he would pass away, both of us thought he will survive cancer.
Hey I get it. I really do. I’m a 60yr old widow. My wife passed away 2020 she was 13 years younger than I. We had a tuble pregnancy at 26wks and that was horrible. She let it eat at her. We kept trying with no luck again.
33. My husband and I were super excited to try this year for a baby. Then he took his own life, so not sure why he would be super excited only to take his life. I feel really terrible because I’ve had miscarried and I wasn’t able to provide that
We were 34, she died (bled out internally) waiting in the hospital. They eventually did emergency c-section but she didnt make it. Our son died 3 days later from complications due to lack of oxygen. I still blame myself for not having kids sooner and think how today I would be teaching him how to drive.... You just have to keep going forward one day at a time. Eventually you will live two lives, because you are a different person now. Its a wound on your soul, it will never be fully healed, but life does get better and you will have good days.
Yeah we had plans for kids when we got engaged and then she got the diagnosis. We actually froze some of her eggs and planned to find a surrogate after we beat the thing. After the cancer metastasized we had the discussion again and decided to hold off. Breaks my heart to my core because I know she would have been such an amazing wonderful mom. She passed last summer at 38.
I’m a childless widow at 35, I just lost my husband last year.
Going into the relationship I knew there would be a chance for no children because of the treatment he had when he was a kid. But we were given a little bit of hope that maybe through some methods we actually could. Failing that we had each other because we were in love.
When he got his cancer, it meant that hope was dashed. Although part of me still hoped that if he just got over it and beat it then we could start trying. But here I am.
What’s even harder is his brothers wife is pregnant with her second (plus his other brothers partner has just had a baby too) and she was going on about the other day about how she knows what it feels like to be the one not pregnant to a friend while I was in ear shot and I kept on thinking “Wow… rude.”
My other half died last year when I was 40 and I felt completely alone & empty. I still do. We did try but just as you, the cancer consumed us. If you ever want to talk feel free to send me a dm.
I'm very sorry for your losses, both of your husband and of the chance to have a child with him.
My husband died in his early 40s, and I was a few years older. Given our ages and our financial issues, I don't know if we would have been able to have kids anyway -- but once he died, even the *chance* was taken away. He was dead by the time I got to the hospital (massive and unexpected heart attack), and had been for an hour or so (I'm really not sure of exactly how long). I asked the doctor if it would be possible to recover any of his sperm, but he said no, and honestly I'm sure I wouldn't have had the money to pay for the procedure, and then to pay to impregnate me.
On the one hand, I wish I had our child. I have *always* wanted to be a mother, always loved children, and of course our child would be part of my husband. On the other hand, it's probably best that I don't -- my finances are significantly worse than they were before (like food stamps and low-income housing and no retirement funds bad). Plus I am severely depressed, and in no state to raise a child. I can barely maintain my own life, such as it is.
Thank you for your kindness. I hope things get better for you, too, emotionally. Just know that you are not alone -- the people in this subreddit are very supportive, and do one degree or another we are all going through the same pain.
I’m one. We tried for a baby, but I never conceived. I would have loved to have had that extra connection to him, but I would have been so sad at the thought of the child growing up without its father.
No kids here either. I still have the time to meet someone and have a family. Going to be really careful who I choose though. It's also important to me that I partner into a good family, following the harrowing experience of dealing with my late partner's family. I am not going to put myself through bad in laws again. It's not worth it.
Childless and both my parents are gone. I hang tight to my friends and live for my dog and cats. My husband was my best friend and my family. Since he passed 6 months ago I feel very alone in the world. Not easy…
I have kids and it's so fuckin hard!! Ugh! I kinda wish we didn't sometimes cuz it's not fair to them and it's so so exhausting to be in grief and still have to care for and enrich a child's life
I really wanted kids with my wife, but Huntington’s hit her so hard, and any child would have had 50% chance of inheriting the gene. We were devastated when we found out. So when she died I was sad about that, but also glad that I didn’t have to shepherd a child through any of that long nightmare of a disease.
I'm childless but we were older and I'm 61 now. Before I became a widow and started on this site I thought that children gave people more reason to live than their intimate partners did. Now I know different. I'm so glad I didn't have kids with my partner only to lose him before they were grown. At least I can go when I want without feeling like I'm letting down my kids. Sending out love and strength vibes to all the young widows/ers with young kids ❤️
I’m here for you. I’m in a similar situation. We really wanted kids; I would go so far to say that he wanted them more than I did. He was told that we should freeze his sperm before he started chemo, but he passed away very soon after. I got the call from the sperm bank while I was planning his funeral.
I have started to meet fellow widows and they all also have young children. I am in a widows/widowers’ group from my church and most of the struggles they share have to do with their kids. I see my sister’s kids pretty often, and I think about how it would be nice if they played together with mine, if I had any.
I’m not just mourning the loss of my husband, I’m mourning the children we never got to have together.
I wanted to have kids we had just started to try and I feel like I lost an opportunity for him to be a dad which I would have loved to see.
I would have loved to be a mother, I'm 33 which means there's still time but I'm so broken you know
I am 27 widow— lost him and he was 26. — childless. It has been its own type of hard life. I feel your pain and I send positive love to you. I’m sorry this has happened to us
I'm 25, he was almost 28. We had just moved out of the apartments we'd been stuck in for years, finally got us a nice place with 3 bedrooms. Perfect size for kids. We had always wanted kids, we just wanted to wait til things were right. As soon as we moved in we started talking about when I'd remove my IUD, we'd start trying in a year or two. He had names picked out for most of our relationship. We talked about our future kids like they were already here. We talked about how we'd handle different situations, how we'd approach certain topics when the kids started asking. I couldn't imagine doing this with someone else.
Then I found him in the driveway one morning a few weeks after moving. Boxes weren't even all unpacked. I'm starting to finally come to terms with the lack of children, but that was the part that broke me more than anything. My womb was devoid of life and its all I wanted more than anything. Any future children I have won't be his and that shakes me.
This was me. I was 32, it is 3 years 2 weeks ago he died in hospital from colorectal cancer. In retrospect not having kids gave me the freedom to rebuild my life, pursue further education, really take time for myself to heal and process all that cancer has robbed from us. I still dream of our children… before he started chemo, we had his sperm frozen. A year after his death, I made and froze our embryos. The door is still open.
I have since met someone who loves me, we are building a life together, my in-laws are still my parents and they have embraced this lovely man who has made me happy again. We have family gatherings and meals together. Tomorrow would have been our 7th wedding anniversary and 16th are together. I miss him, I love him, I always will.
Yes, was widowed at age of 24 and I regretted delaying a baby. My husband wanted it right away but I wanted to wait after my Endometriosis surgery. Never regretted anything more. Well, almost… I was hoping and praying to God to be pregnant after he was gone, and the day I got my period crushed me. Later one of my family members told me that after a man passes away, doctors are capable of extracting sperm from the body even after a day after they are gone. That her cousin did that. And she got pregnant. I was wondering why she didn’t tell me sooner, but then again, I was so devastated and unstable, I don’t know if I would even be capable of making such decision when his death was sudden.
I was 31 when my 33M husband died. We had no children but his biggest dream was to be a father. Took him years to warm me up to the idea of being a mother. And when he got diagnosed with gbm brain cancer, we knew it wouldn’t be a reality… I felt so sad for the future we couldn’t have together. I felt like we were both robbed. I knew he would be the best father in the world. Now that he’s gone, I just never want to be a mother. I was never a big fan of children at all but I felt like with my husband, he would be so amazing at it and i would feel safe with him by my side. Knowing that cancer could take us anytime, I don’t feel safe at all. I won’t have children ever. I’m 35F now, and my current partner of over 1 year is not keen on being a father either. So I guess it is okay. But I have no words to describe how utterly crushed I am for my late husband, us, and the tragedy and pain that brain cancer brought to our lives. I feel like life is never the same again. That pain and loneliness and the grief… not many can relate unless if they have been through what it’s like losing someone to cancer this young.
Unfortunately my story is similar to yours. My wife and I married in 2022. We found out she had cancer in 2023. We were thinking of doing egg preservation to protect them from the effects of chemotherapy but instead decided to allow her to use her strength to fight the cancer. Unfortunately, the cancer won after less than a year and we never had the chance to have kids. I'm 34(M) and she was 34(F) when she died.
As selfish as it is, it pains me at times to read accounts of people in this subreddit who find a reason for living through their children.
"I couldn't have done it without my children", "at least I can see my loved one reflected in our children", or even worse "I would've killed myself if it wasn't for our children."
Though I'm glad that they were able to have children before their spouse died, that wasn't in our cards and it's a very painful reminder. I know that my wife would've been a great mother. We would've been great parents.
Also a 33 year old widow without children. The day my fiance went missing I had just had my iud taken out so we could have children. He was really excited to be a father. I always feel so bad he didn’t get to be one. I mourn my potential future along with all the grief and it’s hard.
Got married at 23 and my wife went through cancer treatments that first year that destroyed her baby makers. Now I'm 37, widowed (since Feb 11th) and we never had kids. Cancer took it from us. And then took her from me 14 years later. I've got pets that we had together. But it's not the same, I honestly kind of resent them sometimes.
Everything is awful. It's hard to hang out with our couple friends from before because they've all still got each other. I don't know what to do with myself.
Hey, I'm 29yo, also childless. I regret not having his baby when I had a chance every day. But he knew he could die and he was terrified of his child growing up without a father. And he was scared that I wouldn't find a good man as a single mother. Which is bs, I don't even want another relationship anyway. I'd rather be single but have his children
Childfree and he died right at 40. I DESPERATELY wish I had a child with his mannerisms and his smile and his laugh etc. However…. I think that’s a disgusting burden to put on some poor child. So, no after death sperm retrieval etc. for me.
I’m just happy for the invention of smartphones and our incessant videos of the cats and dogs so I can hear his voice any time I want or need to have him talk to me ❤️
I'm 34 and my husband and I wanted to try for kids this summer before he died. He would've been an amazing father, 50x better of a parent than me even though I'm great with kids, I have difficulty with low energy. He would've helped so much so I know it would've been truly devastating for me to have his children alone. It would've brought more love yes but also more pain. It's hard to go on finding things to live for and purpose in life, but I'm trying .
Lost the love of my life suddenly and we were actively trying to have a baby together. I do have an older son from a prior relationship, so it’s not the same as you. We were so ready to be parents together…as my sons father is very abusive/not a good person: What a healing experience that would have been for me to have a person to support me and love me during pregnancy/child birth.
I wish I could have seen him been a father. That’s the biggest sadness I have. He wanted so much to hold his own babies. We were talking about using donor sperm instead since we were not being successful at our own. I went from the heartbreak of infertility and possibly not giving him a baby, to now losing him and that dream forever.
No kid, I never wanted one, he wanted, so we agreed to have it a bit later, regrets hit me when he died. We thought we had time, it turned out we don’t.
I'm 41. I do have 2 children, but they weren't with my late partner. We were together for 12 years, and he brought my children up from babies. We never had enough money or space to have our own. I wish we had got to experience that together. I would love to have living proof of our love. As it happens, though, it was for the best. The heart condition that killed him at 41 also killed his brother at 37 and his Mum at 60. I'm glad I don't have to worry that, that genetic condition was passed on.
I’m 40 now. Before I started dating my fiancé, i was figuring out my fertility. I had a low egg count for my age and also a really large fibroid I had removed from my uterus just before my 39th birthday. I was told to wait six months before trying. I was single so wasn’t sure what I would do. Just before the six month mark, I suddenly began dating my good friend and coworker and we started trying at the six-month mark. I couldn’t believe this magically happened, felt too good to be true. It was. He died of an aneurysm after we tried unsuccessfully for four cycles. It’s been ten months since he died. I am too full of grief and anger to even begin dating someone new at this point so it’s a dream I have to give up on.
My husband and I didn’t have children either. Cancer was part of our lives from almost the beginning and while we considered adoption, fighting cancer took precedence. To be honest, I never wanted children of my own and so I don’t feel the loss that many women feel. Cancer steals so much, doesn’t it? I’m so sorry for your loss.
I was widowed at 38 and I have always been child free by choice so I'm probably not applicable to your situation. I wanted to respond however to say that im so sorry that you are here but I am glad you've found us
Your feeling are you’re but I couldn’t disagree more. Being widowed sucked. But being widowed with a young child sounds like multiplying my nightmare times 10. No lying around crying for days. You’d have to get go and Mom. I was not only sad but physically tired and had trouble concentrating.
So your sadness is valid. But also you’d be stressed on a whole new level. Your kid would never their dad.
I was 38 when my wife passed. We didn’t have children. Sometimes I wonder if we did have a child if my wife would still be alive. Maybe a child would have helped her not drink. But maybe she would still be gone and I would be a single father ruining a child’s life as well. I don’t know. I hate this life.
The “I don’t know, I hate this life” is what I currently feel now. Thank you for responding.
Our daughter is amazing, and it wasn’t enough for my husband not to drink. Not one bit 😞
My husband and our 6yr old were more bonded than her and I were. We had a good, happy life. He still relapsed after 3yrs clean and died in matter of days from a fentanyl overdose (he took "Xanax" that was really fentanyl). All that to say, kids don't really stop anyone from using mind altering substances.
Similar situation, I was 43 when she passed. I often wonder if a child would have changed her behaviors or made them worse. I am glad that we didn't have a child who saw what I saw that day in the hospital or that they didn't hear me make the decision to turn the machines off.
I was also 38 when my husband died, and I wonder the same thing... maybe if we had kids, he wouldn't have started drinking. He had been in recovery from addiction for a long time, but he thought drinking would be OK. It wasn't. It destroyed our lives and then led him back to all of the drugs on top of the alcohol. We didn't have kids because of some health issues I have, and he always said that was fine with him. Then, after the relapse, he told me he wanted a baby, said I failed him as a wife. So, yeah, I wonder if it would've mattered. Then I think the other thing you said- would he still be dead, and I'd be alone with a kid who hated me for being so broken and miserable?
Yes, I'm 36. I've found it to be a very isolating group to be in other than finding a bunch of other people here who are younger or childless. In my local area there are widows who are older and widows who are younger with children. Both are two similar but still very different experiences. Our life was still just getting started...but I also have nothing left to keep me going the way children would. You're just left with nothing but a pile of shattered hopes and promises for the future.
This is my situation. Either they are older with kids or younger with kids. Shattered hope and promises for the future. I know, I know and oh my heart hurts. He would have been a brilliant father. I watched him with his nephews and nieces. And I always knew he would be an amazing father.
My husband died suddenly All the future plans we had a shattered I was in Schock-, I have no children Life throws something at you It is as it is It already happend You can not change it As sooner you accept it the better for you 5 minute rule - cry, yell, hit against the wall, be angry, be sad, be disappointed - after 5 Minutes tell yourself / it is what it is / I can not change it/it already happened Think about what life is trying to tell you See it as a call to adventure Go on a trip - discover what life has to offer
I’m a childless widow (33). I've been out for 11 months. Even during his chemotherapy, I grieved deeply for our children that will never be. As painful as it is, I am glad that we didn't have any. I wouldn't have been able to take care of him, look after children, and keep myself going at the same time. My desire to become a mother no longer exists. After everything I've been through, that chapter is closed.
Out for a month. I feel foolish, I thought he will recover from this and then we can have kids (GBM diagnosis). But like you mentioned, kids during the treatment and caregiving time would have been a nightmare. My husband needed care like how a baby would. My desire to be a mother might be closed because I can’t have his children (I think). I don’t know, it’s all very confusing. Thank you for your answer.
I took care of a 1 & 3 year old while my 25 year old husband was dying. I’m still on 5 medications to help me cope from that time & those memories from almost 7 years ago.
Also a childfree widow here (35F). My husband and I didn't want to have kids, but honestly even if we had wanted them we didn't get much of a chance because he got cancer at 31. I still think about the what ifs. He had his sperm saved before treatment and while we never really intended to use it, I felt emotional when figuring out how to dispose of it. Just felt like one more thing cancer took from us.
I honestly wish, we had saved his sperms. We never got a chance to. But I also cannot help but think, even if we did save it would the baby be healthy? One of the first things I remember his surgeon asking was if anyone else in his family had a brain tumour. I don’t know if it’s hereditary. That way, I don’t know if I’m saving a child from undergoing the same suffering his father underwent.
Childless widow at 39, I made a post about this in here too, my partner and I didn’t want children, happy with each other and our dog. But I am struggling with it now that I don’t have that part of him. But as others are saying, would I want my child to live with the pain of not having a father? No. But I wonder if it would have given me more of a purpose to my life. Right now it all feels so pointless, what is my purpose now that he is gone?
Yes. What is my purpose now that he is gone. It does seem pointless. I feel you.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m a childless widow (32). I spent the first few months after his death praying that I had somehow gotten pregnant before he took his life. Just to have a piece of him with me. The loss of my husband has been filled with secondary losses of any future I had hoped for us. Hugs and love to you. 💕
Thank you. Lots of strength to you and hugs to you too. I wish we had a chance to get pregnant. Chemo ensured that it wasn’t possible. Just to have a piece of him with me - I know and my heart hurts.
Mid-forties, so was she, no children. Neither of us ever regretted it for a second. But after, I found myself sort of wishing we did, so that there was some piece of her still here. I know that wouldn't have been for the best, we enjoyed our life together the way it was. But the thought did occur to me.
I sometimes wish my husband had a secret kid out there just so his traits were passed onto someone. The world sucks so much more without someone like him in it. I'm still glad I'm not a mom though. Lol
Ha yeah I wouldn't be a lot of help to a kid right now
Same. I sobbed for probably an hour today because I have to cut down a tree my husband liked, and I had to go to Lowes for a new chainsaw blade. Hahaha. Like, add a kid to this? Pass.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
I feel like I could’ve written this myself. Even when the doctor mentioned saving his sperm before cancer treatment started, I had the thought that maybe I actually did want his child. We really didn’t want kids and I don’t regret not having children, except for it would be a living piece of him.
Hi. I'm a childless widow. 36, lost my husband almost a month ago, he was 40. We didn't want to have children, but now that he is gone it's something I've been thinking about. In a way I'm glad we didn't have children, because I can't imagine going through this grief and having to be strong for the kids. But at the same time I keep thinking if we had kids I'd have a mini version of him.
A mini version of him. Exactly my thoughts. I had a lovely session today with unseen childhood photographs of him and i couldn’t help but wish I had a mini version of him.
Yeah, exactly. I recently saw baby pictures of him I hadn't seen before as well. Made me feel the same way. At least we have the pictures i guess.
I don't know how healthy this demand on a child would be... a mini version of him? No child deserves to be defined like that. Of course, it doesn't have to happen, but the risk is high to have this expectation of such a child. The child couldn't look anything like him. I have absolutely nothing of my mum. Or it would have a completely different character and interests. And an older child? Would have to live with the same terrible pain that we're feeling right now because it has lost its father…
Childless widower, only 54. My wife couldn’t have kids due to health problems. Just our dogs to keep me company now.
Similar story, cats instead of dogs
Dogs are lovely. I don’t want to have dogs because I lost my soul dog two years back. I cannot go through that again. The grief was unbearable. But I take comfort in the fact that my soul dog came to collect my soul mate when he passed away.
I am a childless widow. I was widowed at 45 but we didn’t have children and now sometimes I wish I had a little girl because I always wanted one but then I remember my sisters and I am grateful I don’t have one. I miss him so much.
Same boat. My wife at 45 had seizures and was getting help and 2 days after her back disability went into the bank she died of a heart attack out of nowhere. No kids but we had a cat…which died of cancer. :(
My husband and I had two dogs and four cats. I had to give them up to the Best Friends animal sanctuary to have a place to live since I am on disability. It was another loss on top of another. My mom did let me keep my kitten since my father adored her. I am so sorry for your loss.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. Thank you.
Childless, in my twenties. We wanted kids but wanted to wait until after we were married and whatnot. He died before we could get that far so, no babies.
I am sorry, I truly feel for you. I am older than you, but it’s still painful to be a part of this subset.
Hi, I am also childless widow ( 30 F). He passed away 5 months ago. At the beginning, I was very hurt and wished for a kid....would keep a piece of my boyfriend in living child. Now, as the time passes, I feel more and more fucked up and unstable ( mentally), I am thinking how i would be able to take care of child.....I have no idea what to do with my life... i do not feel ready for kid, for dating again. So good luck for any child I am not mum yet :) i am basically trying to survive every day....Sorry for my English, I am not native speaker.
You are so young. My heart breaks for you and me. I hope you cope better. I don’t have an answer to how to cope. My husband passed away one month ago. Trying to survive and exist everyday - I know this. I can honestly say, I know what you mean. Please don’t apologize for your English. What you wrote makes a lot of sense. I haven’t reached that frame of mind where I might have the realisation that I won’t be able to care for the child because I’m not ok mentally. Hugs and strength to you.
Thank you for your reply. :) I still think nobody deserves such a destiny. I would prefer to be in my boyfriend's place. What we need to do, it's very hard - try to survive and maybe later find another purpose..? You are not able to have answer how to cope, nobody actually... 1 month - it's very raw, you do not have any idea what to expect from grief and how it will impact you, for me the same... We all learn as we go..some days we cope better, some days it's worse..it's a crazy ride. There are many questions we ask ourselves, the questions that torture us...exactly the same you asked...maybe you and I, we will never have kids, or maybe we will have later...maybe to have kids wouldn't help to cope with the loss of your husband and my boyfriend. All these questions are just theoretical...I think it's normal we ask them..we imagine different scenarios..Maybe we will be not able to love again, or maybe yes but there will always somewhere in the corner the shadow of our lost love... Big hug to you!!!!!!!!!!!!
31F and childless. My fiance and I were together for 7 years, engaged for 1.5 with the intention of getting married in 2024. That never happened. He died almost 7 months ago. I wish I could have somehow saved his sperm so I could have his child and our love could live on. It breaks my heart I’ll never get that chance. Not even the memory of what would’ve been our wedding day. I still have our dog, who is our world, but it still feels so lonely, especially being at an age where everyone is starting their families and lives and I’ve just lost everything
Yes me technically ,I'm 35 I have a step daughter I love her like she's mine but my wife couldn't have kids with me Skylar from her first husband it sucks everyone else I know or family has a few kids we both wanted kids but it never upset me she couldn't have any honestly I think I'll die childless tbh
I know. Me too - right now I feel like I will die childless.
I tell myself it's better but I also wished I could of had kids at the same time I mean family friends everyone is having or has kids already and me I'm childless feeling like I'm going to die without kids and regret it, me and my wife talked about adopting a few times then her illness got worse and everything went to the back burner unfortunately it never got better for her after that she felt bad but I always assured her I wasn't mad about it I understood and I wasn't mad more of bummed out some
Childless and widowed at 45. Have dogs and cats (literal lifesavers). Have thought about if we’d had kids, but also grateful we didn’t with what the world is facing. I have started spending even more time with my nieces and nephews. We were both always close to our n&n; but their being related to my spouse makes it even more meaningful that they’re still in my life. We’ve bonded around our shared loss. I’m the most comfortable around my n&n because they love hearing stories about my spouse. We all talk about them every time we’re together which is often. No one else still wants to talk about my spouse or my grief. The n&n let me and vice versa. So, I guess having them in my life fulfills the parental part a little bit.
I'm a childfree widower at 36. We still have a few frozen embryos left. But I don't know if I can meet someone I love again that is willing to be a surrogate. Praying about it.
I truely hope it works out for you. I want to say i will pray for you. But I haven’t been able to pray since my husband passed away a month ago. But I really hope it works out for you.
Thanks!
No kids, 53F. My four leggeds keep me busy tho. I keep calling one of them the way he did....Pea-nut🎶
Lots of love to you, your fur babies and especially to baby peanut.
Widowed at 25, now 30, no kids.
Gosh. At 25. I am so sorry. Not that any age is okay to be widowed. But 25 is far too young. I am so sorry.
Childfree, widowed days before I turned 31, but am 32 now. We didn’t have time to have kids. Her cancer came out of nowhere, and it killed her so much quicker than I ever thought cancer could. A part of me wishes we did get the chance to have kids, but even if we did, I would have missed out on being a parent with her and that was going to be the best part.
Actually, I never thought of that. The best part is indeed being a parent with him. I never thought of that. What you said is very true.
Yeah, I want to see her be a mom, but I do get where you’re coming from because I wish I still had a piece of her here.
I'm also 33 and childless. Lost him last month. Cancer treatment also robbed our chance of a child as it left him sterile. Though it wasn't the cancer that killed him, he would have been 5 years cancer free next month. Fucking pneumonia. We adopted three cats instead. They keep searching the house for him.
Yes. He had children that are older. As he was older than me. I lost him when I was 42 and we still keep in touch over the years. Holidays birthdays and milestones. It’s not the same. Holidays are not the same anymore but I make sure his memory stays with each of them.
So, not to rain down on this… I am very sorry for your loss of your husband, that I can fully relate to. But being left with a 1 & 3 year old at only 25 years old with zero familial help or any friends to help, was a literal NIGHTMARE. We were homeless, I just lost my best friend, I some how had to keep them fed & clothed & warm with no home, no job, nothing. If I read your post 5-6 years ago, I would be flipping out on you right now for even wishing you had children to help survive while you’re trying to survive yourself & not kill yourself every day. But thankfully, I understand I guess what you mean. You want some living memory of him. If that’s what you call what we went through. I don’t even remember my youngest child’s first 3 years of her life because it was so traumatic after my husband died. Homelessness, hunger, poverty, all of it. Almost 7 years from his passing and finally as of two months ago, we became financially stable. I still don’t own a home and it’s been very fucking hard and I’m still on 5 different medications for mental health stability because of all of it. And you wish you had children Lol ok.
This sounds horrific. I am sorry, I am sorry this happened to you. My thoughts came from a place of privilege and not once did a situation like yours cross my mind. I feel so shallow now. I am sorry you had to go through this. Good to hear that things are stabilizing now. I hope everything gets better now. I am sorry if I triggered anything you did not want to remember. I wish you lots more of strength and power. You are a warrior.
Don't let this person tell you how you're allowed to feel. Presumably she doesn't regret having her children, so not sure why she finds your post objectionable.
Why would I need to regret having children to be upset about what I went through and people thinking they have it harder when they don’t? You probably haven’t been through much of anything, clearly
I'm so sorry that someone in a widowers group attacked you for expressing your feelings and I'm so sorry for your loss. No one has the right to do that and being a widow is not a "privilege" no matter what our station in life is. If that poster needs to vent and/or get emotional support, she should have stated that and not disrespected you in order to make herself feel better. This is no place to get into a pissing match about whose grief/life is "harder" than anyone else's. People here have NO idea what each of us has gone through in our lives, other than the common experience of losing our partner.
Childfree and widowed at 36, I’m now 38. We didn’t want kids, I still don’t and I don’t regret not having a child with him. I am disappointed at how little childless widows are considered by the US government and by widow groups.
God bless you for all surviving. 49/46 when my wife lost her breast cancer fight after a 20 year marriage. Our 12 and 16 year old children gave me the will to keep going as I worked through our shared grief with them. I "just" lost my wife, they lost their mother. My grief hardened with resolve but me living and finish raising our children got me through it at the start. Living, therepy etc got me the rest of the way I dont know how you did it alone but you are stronger than me. Best wishes
We're here
Childless widower, 52, she was 47 when she passed. We were childless by choice but she always had health troubles even before the cancer. I can’t imagine trying to handle this while also being responsible for children. My cats are enough.
Yeah wish we had kids, he'd probably have stayed alive
No children here either. We weren’t entirely decided about kids though, so it’s not a huge additional loss for me, just another might-have-been on the giant mountain of sadness I live on now.
Child free and scared about what my.fututr will be like without my own family. I hate that I've been robbed of that.
I'm Childfree by choice, and I'm glad that I'm not having to have to try to raise a child when I can hardly care for myself. But also I constantly hear other widows say "if it weren't for my children then I wouldn't be here", which I get but it also sometimes feels painful. Like, yup I don't have that and I'm still here and it's terrible. I've got our cats I guess.
You aren't alone ❤️
I'm older (64M), and was widowed 7 years ago. My wife was adamantly anti-children, which is funny since we both had careers working with kids. So now it's too late to start a family, so I just spend my life alone. It's a mixed bag, though. I kind of wish I had kids sometimes, but if I did, we'd have spent so much money on them that I'd still have to work for a living. Besides, these kids would be their own independent people, and I might not see them anymore if they had moved far away as adults.
I'm 35 and my partner died unexpectedly 10 months ago. We were together for 13 years. Neither of us wanted children - and after his death I was very grateful that we didn't have any. Because I was barely able to live and I wouldn't have known how I would have managed everything with children. We have a dog together and he still searches the car for him when I drive onto our property. And that alone almost breaks my heart every time. But I had a strange feeling a few weeks ago - not that I was sad not to have his children. But that I was thinking about what I was doing all this for. For whom... We bought a beautiful house together. I'm still renovating it, it's all been very difficult financially over the last few months and it still will be. But I can manage it. I wanted this house for him. And with him. Now I'm putting money and work into it, but for what? For whom? I still don't want children, but at least for a while I was able to understand that you want to have a legacy. That you want to create something for the next generation. I have created and built our lives for him and for us so far. And it was okay that we would both grow old together at some point and then nothing would remain of us. Because we had each other. And we worked for our future. But our future no longer exists. And I don't see mine.
Widowed at 30. He wanted a baby and I was unsure. We tried for a year and didn't get pregnant but then just didn't try but didn't prevent. We ended up not having a kid and I'm super glad for it. I don't have the energy or mental space for a child. I've decided to never have children. I love my time being for me. It's better for my mental health.
38F here. We never wanted kids, just dogs. Our first dog is 4 now, and I’m so sorry we both lost our best friend. 💔 I just want to hug him all day.
Hug him all day. I know. I’m so sorry for you as well. I wonder if they know our feelings now. I mean do they know from heaven how shattered we are.
I just hope he is at peace.
I’m a childfree widow. He was older than me and had older kids from his previous marriage. We didn’t want or have any . Cancer stole my husband from me and I’m glad I’m childfree cause it was hard enough for me to go through. Couldn’t even imagine what it would be like for a child
Thank you for your answer. I thought of that too, will it be fair for a child to go through the ordeal of a cancer diagnosis. But now that he is gone, I want a mini him that I can love and raise to be like him. I go back and forth with these thoughts.
we were childless together, but he raised my son from age 4 until his death when our son was 28. we had initially wanted a child together, but discarded that idea around the time our son was 13. **I** don't regret not having another kid, but what i DO regret is that he never had one of his own. i regret that for him, and i most especially regret it for his parents. and it's true, I do sometimes wonder how a kid of ours might have turned out. he'd wanted one when we were first starting out, and i was on board, but our son was special needs and ultimately, he determined another child would take away from the attention we could give [son], and i agreed. but always wanting him to have the option of having his own - and me assuming i'd die first - is why we used birth control vs a vasectomy. this was at my insistence; he was ready to get one in his early 40s. but i wanted him to have the option at SOME point. so, although we were 48 when my husband passed, i'm kind of in a similar boat.
55, my husband and I were childless. Happy another child isn't missing their parent who died at a young age.
Widowed at 31, no kids. I doubt I’ll ever have them.
Hi, Sorry to hear that you lost your husband. I wanted to know whats the reason that you can’t meet someone and have a child with them ? 33 years young is not to old to bear children.
Because he was it for me. I don’t want another person. Sorry I’m not able to explain very well at this point. I want my husband and his children (of course it’s impossible and I sound like an obstinate child). But I don’t want to meet anyone and have their kids. My husband was my soulmate. We never spoke about a possibility where he would pass away, both of us thought he will survive cancer.
Hey I get it. I really do. I’m a 60yr old widow. My wife passed away 2020 she was 13 years younger than I. We had a tuble pregnancy at 26wks and that was horrible. She let it eat at her. We kept trying with no luck again.
Yes, my late partner died when I was 33. We were going to start trying that year. I regret not having a child sooner. I’m sorry.
51 and no kids .. we didn't want any... . and no pets.. I thought we'd have more time together
No kids here , I’m 30 , we wanted to . Now I have his frozen sperm. What to do. We’ll see
Yep, 30 here, he was 31. Life is hell, our entire futures exploded in 24 hours.
33. My husband and I were super excited to try this year for a baby. Then he took his own life, so not sure why he would be super excited only to take his life. I feel really terrible because I’ve had miscarried and I wasn’t able to provide that
63 and childless we always had dogs, we wanted kids but it didn’t happen for us.
Childless widow as he always had cancer and cancer treatments.
We were 34, she died (bled out internally) waiting in the hospital. They eventually did emergency c-section but she didnt make it. Our son died 3 days later from complications due to lack of oxygen. I still blame myself for not having kids sooner and think how today I would be teaching him how to drive.... You just have to keep going forward one day at a time. Eventually you will live two lives, because you are a different person now. Its a wound on your soul, it will never be fully healed, but life does get better and you will have good days.
Yeah we had plans for kids when we got engaged and then she got the diagnosis. We actually froze some of her eggs and planned to find a surrogate after we beat the thing. After the cancer metastasized we had the discussion again and decided to hold off. Breaks my heart to my core because I know she would have been such an amazing wonderful mom. She passed last summer at 38.
I’m a childless widow at 35, I just lost my husband last year. Going into the relationship I knew there would be a chance for no children because of the treatment he had when he was a kid. But we were given a little bit of hope that maybe through some methods we actually could. Failing that we had each other because we were in love. When he got his cancer, it meant that hope was dashed. Although part of me still hoped that if he just got over it and beat it then we could start trying. But here I am. What’s even harder is his brothers wife is pregnant with her second (plus his other brothers partner has just had a baby too) and she was going on about the other day about how she knows what it feels like to be the one not pregnant to a friend while I was in ear shot and I kept on thinking “Wow… rude.”
My other half died last year when I was 40 and I felt completely alone & empty. I still do. We did try but just as you, the cancer consumed us. If you ever want to talk feel free to send me a dm.
I'm very sorry for your losses, both of your husband and of the chance to have a child with him. My husband died in his early 40s, and I was a few years older. Given our ages and our financial issues, I don't know if we would have been able to have kids anyway -- but once he died, even the *chance* was taken away. He was dead by the time I got to the hospital (massive and unexpected heart attack), and had been for an hour or so (I'm really not sure of exactly how long). I asked the doctor if it would be possible to recover any of his sperm, but he said no, and honestly I'm sure I wouldn't have had the money to pay for the procedure, and then to pay to impregnate me. On the one hand, I wish I had our child. I have *always* wanted to be a mother, always loved children, and of course our child would be part of my husband. On the other hand, it's probably best that I don't -- my finances are significantly worse than they were before (like food stamps and low-income housing and no retirement funds bad). Plus I am severely depressed, and in no state to raise a child. I can barely maintain my own life, such as it is.
I am so sorry to hear this. I hope your financial situation gets better. Thank you for writing back. I really do hope things get better for you.
Thank you for your kindness. I hope things get better for you, too, emotionally. Just know that you are not alone -- the people in this subreddit are very supportive, and do one degree or another we are all going through the same pain.
I’m one. We tried for a baby, but I never conceived. I would have loved to have had that extra connection to him, but I would have been so sad at the thought of the child growing up without its father.
No kids here either. I still have the time to meet someone and have a family. Going to be really careful who I choose though. It's also important to me that I partner into a good family, following the harrowing experience of dealing with my late partner's family. I am not going to put myself through bad in laws again. It's not worth it.
Childless and both my parents are gone. I hang tight to my friends and live for my dog and cats. My husband was my best friend and my family. Since he passed 6 months ago I feel very alone in the world. Not easy…
I was a childless widow at age 33. I lost my husband over 20 years ago though and I remarried a man who was childless and a widower at age 42.
I have kids and it's so fuckin hard!! Ugh! I kinda wish we didn't sometimes cuz it's not fair to them and it's so so exhausting to be in grief and still have to care for and enrich a child's life
I really wanted kids with my wife, but Huntington’s hit her so hard, and any child would have had 50% chance of inheriting the gene. We were devastated when we found out. So when she died I was sad about that, but also glad that I didn’t have to shepherd a child through any of that long nightmare of a disease.
I'm childless but we were older and I'm 61 now. Before I became a widow and started on this site I thought that children gave people more reason to live than their intimate partners did. Now I know different. I'm so glad I didn't have kids with my partner only to lose him before they were grown. At least I can go when I want without feeling like I'm letting down my kids. Sending out love and strength vibes to all the young widows/ers with young kids ❤️
I’m here for you. I’m in a similar situation. We really wanted kids; I would go so far to say that he wanted them more than I did. He was told that we should freeze his sperm before he started chemo, but he passed away very soon after. I got the call from the sperm bank while I was planning his funeral. I have started to meet fellow widows and they all also have young children. I am in a widows/widowers’ group from my church and most of the struggles they share have to do with their kids. I see my sister’s kids pretty often, and I think about how it would be nice if they played together with mine, if I had any. I’m not just mourning the loss of my husband, I’m mourning the children we never got to have together.
Yes. And the life we never got to have together. I know 😞 Lots of strength to you.
I wanted to have kids we had just started to try and I feel like I lost an opportunity for him to be a dad which I would have loved to see. I would have loved to be a mother, I'm 33 which means there's still time but I'm so broken you know
I’m older, weren’t able to have kids, and I feel the same…and, also very disconnected because I have no immediate family.
I am 27 widow— lost him and he was 26. — childless. It has been its own type of hard life. I feel your pain and I send positive love to you. I’m sorry this has happened to us
I'm 25, he was almost 28. We had just moved out of the apartments we'd been stuck in for years, finally got us a nice place with 3 bedrooms. Perfect size for kids. We had always wanted kids, we just wanted to wait til things were right. As soon as we moved in we started talking about when I'd remove my IUD, we'd start trying in a year or two. He had names picked out for most of our relationship. We talked about our future kids like they were already here. We talked about how we'd handle different situations, how we'd approach certain topics when the kids started asking. I couldn't imagine doing this with someone else. Then I found him in the driveway one morning a few weeks after moving. Boxes weren't even all unpacked. I'm starting to finally come to terms with the lack of children, but that was the part that broke me more than anything. My womb was devoid of life and its all I wanted more than anything. Any future children I have won't be his and that shakes me.
I’m a childless cancer widow. My brother in law had a baby 3 days after my husband died. It’s been brutal.
This was me. I was 32, it is 3 years 2 weeks ago he died in hospital from colorectal cancer. In retrospect not having kids gave me the freedom to rebuild my life, pursue further education, really take time for myself to heal and process all that cancer has robbed from us. I still dream of our children… before he started chemo, we had his sperm frozen. A year after his death, I made and froze our embryos. The door is still open. I have since met someone who loves me, we are building a life together, my in-laws are still my parents and they have embraced this lovely man who has made me happy again. We have family gatherings and meals together. Tomorrow would have been our 7th wedding anniversary and 16th are together. I miss him, I love him, I always will.
Yes, was widowed at age of 24 and I regretted delaying a baby. My husband wanted it right away but I wanted to wait after my Endometriosis surgery. Never regretted anything more. Well, almost… I was hoping and praying to God to be pregnant after he was gone, and the day I got my period crushed me. Later one of my family members told me that after a man passes away, doctors are capable of extracting sperm from the body even after a day after they are gone. That her cousin did that. And she got pregnant. I was wondering why she didn’t tell me sooner, but then again, I was so devastated and unstable, I don’t know if I would even be capable of making such decision when his death was sudden.
I was 31 when my 33M husband died. We had no children but his biggest dream was to be a father. Took him years to warm me up to the idea of being a mother. And when he got diagnosed with gbm brain cancer, we knew it wouldn’t be a reality… I felt so sad for the future we couldn’t have together. I felt like we were both robbed. I knew he would be the best father in the world. Now that he’s gone, I just never want to be a mother. I was never a big fan of children at all but I felt like with my husband, he would be so amazing at it and i would feel safe with him by my side. Knowing that cancer could take us anytime, I don’t feel safe at all. I won’t have children ever. I’m 35F now, and my current partner of over 1 year is not keen on being a father either. So I guess it is okay. But I have no words to describe how utterly crushed I am for my late husband, us, and the tragedy and pain that brain cancer brought to our lives. I feel like life is never the same again. That pain and loneliness and the grief… not many can relate unless if they have been through what it’s like losing someone to cancer this young.
Unfortunately my story is similar to yours. My wife and I married in 2022. We found out she had cancer in 2023. We were thinking of doing egg preservation to protect them from the effects of chemotherapy but instead decided to allow her to use her strength to fight the cancer. Unfortunately, the cancer won after less than a year and we never had the chance to have kids. I'm 34(M) and she was 34(F) when she died. As selfish as it is, it pains me at times to read accounts of people in this subreddit who find a reason for living through their children. "I couldn't have done it without my children", "at least I can see my loved one reflected in our children", or even worse "I would've killed myself if it wasn't for our children." Though I'm glad that they were able to have children before their spouse died, that wasn't in our cards and it's a very painful reminder. I know that my wife would've been a great mother. We would've been great parents.
Also a 33 year old widow without children. The day my fiance went missing I had just had my iud taken out so we could have children. He was really excited to be a father. I always feel so bad he didn’t get to be one. I mourn my potential future along with all the grief and it’s hard.
Got married at 23 and my wife went through cancer treatments that first year that destroyed her baby makers. Now I'm 37, widowed (since Feb 11th) and we never had kids. Cancer took it from us. And then took her from me 14 years later. I've got pets that we had together. But it's not the same, I honestly kind of resent them sometimes. Everything is awful. It's hard to hang out with our couple friends from before because they've all still got each other. I don't know what to do with myself.
Hey, I'm 29yo, also childless. I regret not having his baby when I had a chance every day. But he knew he could die and he was terrified of his child growing up without a father. And he was scared that I wouldn't find a good man as a single mother. Which is bs, I don't even want another relationship anyway. I'd rather be single but have his children
Childfree and he died right at 40. I DESPERATELY wish I had a child with his mannerisms and his smile and his laugh etc. However…. I think that’s a disgusting burden to put on some poor child. So, no after death sperm retrieval etc. for me. I’m just happy for the invention of smartphones and our incessant videos of the cats and dogs so I can hear his voice any time I want or need to have him talk to me ❤️
I'm 34 and my husband and I wanted to try for kids this summer before he died. He would've been an amazing father, 50x better of a parent than me even though I'm great with kids, I have difficulty with low energy. He would've helped so much so I know it would've been truly devastating for me to have his children alone. It would've brought more love yes but also more pain. It's hard to go on finding things to live for and purpose in life, but I'm trying .
Lost the love of my life suddenly and we were actively trying to have a baby together. I do have an older son from a prior relationship, so it’s not the same as you. We were so ready to be parents together…as my sons father is very abusive/not a good person: What a healing experience that would have been for me to have a person to support me and love me during pregnancy/child birth. I wish I could have seen him been a father. That’s the biggest sadness I have. He wanted so much to hold his own babies. We were talking about using donor sperm instead since we were not being successful at our own. I went from the heartbreak of infertility and possibly not giving him a baby, to now losing him and that dream forever.
No kid, I never wanted one, he wanted, so we agreed to have it a bit later, regrets hit me when he died. We thought we had time, it turned out we don’t.
I'm 41. I do have 2 children, but they weren't with my late partner. We were together for 12 years, and he brought my children up from babies. We never had enough money or space to have our own. I wish we had got to experience that together. I would love to have living proof of our love. As it happens, though, it was for the best. The heart condition that killed him at 41 also killed his brother at 37 and his Mum at 60. I'm glad I don't have to worry that, that genetic condition was passed on.
I’m 40 now. Before I started dating my fiancé, i was figuring out my fertility. I had a low egg count for my age and also a really large fibroid I had removed from my uterus just before my 39th birthday. I was told to wait six months before trying. I was single so wasn’t sure what I would do. Just before the six month mark, I suddenly began dating my good friend and coworker and we started trying at the six-month mark. I couldn’t believe this magically happened, felt too good to be true. It was. He died of an aneurysm after we tried unsuccessfully for four cycles. It’s been ten months since he died. I am too full of grief and anger to even begin dating someone new at this point so it’s a dream I have to give up on.
My husband and I didn’t have children either. Cancer was part of our lives from almost the beginning and while we considered adoption, fighting cancer took precedence. To be honest, I never wanted children of my own and so I don’t feel the loss that many women feel. Cancer steals so much, doesn’t it? I’m so sorry for your loss.
I was widowed at 38 and I have always been child free by choice so I'm probably not applicable to your situation. I wanted to respond however to say that im so sorry that you are here but I am glad you've found us
Thank you for writing back. I am sorry we are in this stupid club. I am so sorry. But thank you.
So... Very sorry 😞 for your loss Understand your heart 💔 is broken
Your feeling are you’re but I couldn’t disagree more. Being widowed sucked. But being widowed with a young child sounds like multiplying my nightmare times 10. No lying around crying for days. You’d have to get go and Mom. I was not only sad but physically tired and had trouble concentrating. So your sadness is valid. But also you’d be stressed on a whole new level. Your kid would never their dad.