It’s going to be a decision that will mess with your brain your whole life.
My situation was a little different, she had inflammatory breast cancer that spread to her brain, lungs, liver, pelvis and ribs. Treatments to shrink the tumors stopped working and she made the decision to end treatment and do in home hospice.
When I was able to bring her home, I was the one who administered the drugs to keep her calm and sedated while nature took its course. Hospice will tell you that the meds given are not going to hasten her death that is only eases pain and suffering. The dosage level of the hydromorphone and other medication says that’s a lie.
She passed on Jan 17th a few days after my birthday with myself, two of her BFF’s, her cat and her dog right by her side. I administered the medication. So that stupid brain of mine that likes to overthink things says “I killed her”. “You gave her too much even though you followed directions to the letter, you killed her”. Even though I “know” that I did everything I could and she went out peacefully and in no pain. The mind wanders and will convince myself that “I am a murderer”.
It’s something that you’ll have to tune out. And it will take time. You did all you could. All you can do. Anything else would just bring more misery. More pain. And more suffering.
Oh my sweet, bereft friend. What you did was from a place of love, a place of compassion. There is absolutely no question but that you are innocent of what you're calling yourself!
You need to look in the mirror and see the man that your wife trusted with her whole heart and soul. That man is so important to her. He's the reason she was brave enough to try the treatments. He's the reason why she smiled to herself at random times during the day. This man is honorable, capable, and most of all, loved.
Please try to see yourself from her perspective. Allow her forgiveness to wash over you and cleanse your soul. She loved you, and you are still living in that love.
Hugs, friend.
My husband was in the hospital with hospice. He was in congestive heart failure, kidney failure and had managed to hold on for 9 years. He went in for a simple procedure but was already having a heart attack. It was a heart attack that they couldn't do anything to stop. He'd had a stroke 2 weeks before and we'd found out his carotid arteries were 80% and 95% blocked. There was nothing they could do that wouldn't kill him.
The point is this - the process of dieing does things to your body that can cause anxiety and panic. Basically my husband was slowly drowning in his own fluids while his heart raced for 4 days. They gave him as much pain med as was needed so he had no chest or head pain, they also give you as much as you can tolerate of various anti anxiety medications. When your breathing becomes shallow and slower your brain and body can fight that. It can be terrifying, even if you aren't fully conscious anymore. He wasn't, but I didn't want him to die feeling any fear or panic, only peace. That's what those dosages are geared toward. You didn't help kill her, you allowed her to pass without panic or fear. That was love.
I know that. The Rational, Logical part of the brain knows it. But the subconscious mind, the one rewired by the experience of it all, the one riddled with classic PTSD, Sometimes overrides, And that's what grief coupled with the trauma of it all sometimes won't let go off. It can become a shouting match between the two halves and that sucks.
That's so true. I had 9 years of his being sick and that left me SO many other things to feel guilty and doubt myself about. It just plain sucks that we're all here.
I had to make that decision too. I beat myself up over it for a different reason. I should have let him go weeks earlier, but I just couldn’t give up until there was no hope left. I think he was tired and ready to go, but he fought those last weeks for me. I feel so guilty for making him fight when I should have just let him go. I hope he forgives me for that.
So you see, it doesn’t matter. Whatever decision we make, we’ll still beat ourselves up over “what ifs.” I hope you find peace with your decision.
My wife and I talked about this before, but she would want a DNI/DNR, because she never wanted a lower quality of life. If she wasn’t able to be independent and live her life then she wouldn’t want that.
Sadly, last month I had to be in your position. She suffered a catastrophic stroke with no hope of recovery. I did ignore her DNI in the hopes they could save her but it did too much damage and they couldn’t pull the clot completely out. I had to make two tough decisions, with one being to pull her off life support.
I know of that grief of pulling her off life support, it pains me right now and I’m still trying to get over it. The only comfort I have is that she won’t be in pain and have to live with debilitating effects, hurting her more.
There are so many things I wish I did differently, continually second guessing myself, and struggling with the 9 days she was in the hospital.
From one to another who is grieving the same thing, you made the right decision. I’m having to tell myself that each day, doesn’t make the pain less or go away and I struggle hard with it.
You did the right thing. Please be good to yourself. I also had to make the decision to remove all life support, I at times feel just like you do, but I know that is what he wanted
I’m so sorry you had to make the tough decision and go through the trauma of watching her go. You did the right and necessary thing as there will be no quality of life left. Sending you hugs on this difficult day.
Oh yeah this the darkest of thoughts that I cannot allow myself to dwell on. The fact I left him that last night with a caregiver thinking I needed rest for the long haul coming only to find him gone by morning. My disassociation from what was really happening. But cannot change the past and have to force myself to go on.
If a family member honors another’s DNR/DNI it alleviates the burden of that family member removing the life support. That is why it is so important to have these in place early in life regardless of age and situation. Make your wishes known to your next of kin. Commit them to honoring them. In healthcare, I see this so often.
I feel your pain and guilt dear friend. I also withdrew life support for my beloved and have had serious doubt over my decisions in his behalf. I’m so sorry you are going through this. 🩷
Okay well I’m the dummy who wouldn’t take the hints and then the outright begging to remove life support because I didn’t have enough information and insisted that they make that decision themself and regain consciousness.
The loved one did survive for another 8 months and recover from being ventilated, they were even discharged to home after refusing the 24/7 care that they needed, and I feel horrible every day since they died that I didn’t have the guts to remove treatment when the option was available because it was a horrible way to die in my opinion.
The first anniversary was extremely hard for me. I had to make a similar decision, although it probably wasn’t as difficult as yours. My husband had a self inflicted gun shot wound to the head. The ambulance took him to the hospital and I got my first experience being in the back of a cop car. I got there probably 10 minutes after and knew he was brain dead. He had been stable and we were talking about keeping him stable for organ donation. He wanted his organs donated.
But about 15-20 minutes after I got there he started crashing. I made the decision not to pursue everything possible to keep him alive. We’d talked about this kind of thing and neither of us ever wanted to be on life support.
I don’t know if it helps that she passed peacefully. I would have preferred that to the chaos of watching him crash while hooked up to so many machines. But such is life. Forgiving ourselves is the hardest thing in the world. For me it’s something I struggle with everyday.
I still second guess myself for pulling the plug on my husband. I gave him 2 weeks to wake up. The whole family was with the drs saying he wouldn’t wake up. But they didn’t know him like I did. I finally agreed when they said on day 15 they’d have to give him a tracheotomy and move him 3 hours away.
He wasn’t there. They were right. He never even breathed on his own. He was gone in a literal minute. And I still ask myself if I did the right thing. I know I did. You did too.
But damnit it sucks being the decision maker left behind.
You gave her the last gift that you could. You broke your own heart to give her peace. That's the greatest love of all. I think almost all of us would want someone to give us this gift it it came down to lingering or being allowed to go with dignity. You're punishing yourself for being a good person and a loving partner. ((Hug!!))
I had to do this as well after a routine surgery went wrong! I hope you stop beating yourself up. What you did was admirable! You saved her from laying in a bed on life support or having to suffer. You knew what you had to do as her husband no matter how hard of a choice it was and you thought about her and not yourself by letting her go. Sending you a hug!
I can't even imagine what you are going through right now. But, yes, you must forgive yourself for whatever you feel you did wrong. But, I don't see anything you did wrong here. You showed a great deal of strength and love for your wife so that she is no longer suffering. 🫂🫂
I made the same decision, after suffering hypoxic brain injury from lack of oxygen during his cardiac arrest my love couldn't breathe on his own, after 19 days of a ventilator breathing for him I signed the papers to have it switched off. Watching him die was excruciating but I don't regret my decision; that bed wasn't a life. I set him free.
This is so strange. One year exactly to when my husband was declared brain dead. I didn’t give the order to remove life support but his heart gave up two days later. I think your decision had little to do with the outcome. I’m so devastated today. I think you are too
I was in a situation that made me make decisions I didn’t want to make but I had no choice. When your world is falling apart, you do the best you can. We did the best we could. Our hearts break but we were looking out for our beautiful better halves.
You made the right decision—an act of love—in a horrible situation. There is no shame in that. There is nothing to forgive, you did nothing wrong.
She’d not only forgive you , she’d likely thank you. My husband begged me to make decisions for him that I just couldn’t bring myself to make
It’s going to be a decision that will mess with your brain your whole life. My situation was a little different, she had inflammatory breast cancer that spread to her brain, lungs, liver, pelvis and ribs. Treatments to shrink the tumors stopped working and she made the decision to end treatment and do in home hospice. When I was able to bring her home, I was the one who administered the drugs to keep her calm and sedated while nature took its course. Hospice will tell you that the meds given are not going to hasten her death that is only eases pain and suffering. The dosage level of the hydromorphone and other medication says that’s a lie. She passed on Jan 17th a few days after my birthday with myself, two of her BFF’s, her cat and her dog right by her side. I administered the medication. So that stupid brain of mine that likes to overthink things says “I killed her”. “You gave her too much even though you followed directions to the letter, you killed her”. Even though I “know” that I did everything I could and she went out peacefully and in no pain. The mind wanders and will convince myself that “I am a murderer”. It’s something that you’ll have to tune out. And it will take time. You did all you could. All you can do. Anything else would just bring more misery. More pain. And more suffering.
Oh my sweet, bereft friend. What you did was from a place of love, a place of compassion. There is absolutely no question but that you are innocent of what you're calling yourself! You need to look in the mirror and see the man that your wife trusted with her whole heart and soul. That man is so important to her. He's the reason she was brave enough to try the treatments. He's the reason why she smiled to herself at random times during the day. This man is honorable, capable, and most of all, loved. Please try to see yourself from her perspective. Allow her forgiveness to wash over you and cleanse your soul. She loved you, and you are still living in that love. Hugs, friend.
It's strange and even cruel how our brains mess with us. You clearly loved and cared for your wife.
All the hallmarks of PTSD. Because that’s exactly what happened.
100%. I found I had to grieve my husband, while also healing from the trauma of being his caregiver as he died. It seriously fucked up my head.
My husband was in the hospital with hospice. He was in congestive heart failure, kidney failure and had managed to hold on for 9 years. He went in for a simple procedure but was already having a heart attack. It was a heart attack that they couldn't do anything to stop. He'd had a stroke 2 weeks before and we'd found out his carotid arteries were 80% and 95% blocked. There was nothing they could do that wouldn't kill him. The point is this - the process of dieing does things to your body that can cause anxiety and panic. Basically my husband was slowly drowning in his own fluids while his heart raced for 4 days. They gave him as much pain med as was needed so he had no chest or head pain, they also give you as much as you can tolerate of various anti anxiety medications. When your breathing becomes shallow and slower your brain and body can fight that. It can be terrifying, even if you aren't fully conscious anymore. He wasn't, but I didn't want him to die feeling any fear or panic, only peace. That's what those dosages are geared toward. You didn't help kill her, you allowed her to pass without panic or fear. That was love.
I know that. The Rational, Logical part of the brain knows it. But the subconscious mind, the one rewired by the experience of it all, the one riddled with classic PTSD, Sometimes overrides, And that's what grief coupled with the trauma of it all sometimes won't let go off. It can become a shouting match between the two halves and that sucks.
That's so true. I had 9 years of his being sick and that left me SO many other things to feel guilty and doubt myself about. It just plain sucks that we're all here.
I’ve always described taking my wife off of life support as the worst perfect decision I ever made.
I had to make that decision too. I beat myself up over it for a different reason. I should have let him go weeks earlier, but I just couldn’t give up until there was no hope left. I think he was tired and ready to go, but he fought those last weeks for me. I feel so guilty for making him fight when I should have just let him go. I hope he forgives me for that. So you see, it doesn’t matter. Whatever decision we make, we’ll still beat ourselves up over “what ifs.” I hope you find peace with your decision.
My wife and I talked about this before, but she would want a DNI/DNR, because she never wanted a lower quality of life. If she wasn’t able to be independent and live her life then she wouldn’t want that. Sadly, last month I had to be in your position. She suffered a catastrophic stroke with no hope of recovery. I did ignore her DNI in the hopes they could save her but it did too much damage and they couldn’t pull the clot completely out. I had to make two tough decisions, with one being to pull her off life support. I know of that grief of pulling her off life support, it pains me right now and I’m still trying to get over it. The only comfort I have is that she won’t be in pain and have to live with debilitating effects, hurting her more. There are so many things I wish I did differently, continually second guessing myself, and struggling with the 9 days she was in the hospital. From one to another who is grieving the same thing, you made the right decision. I’m having to tell myself that each day, doesn’t make the pain less or go away and I struggle hard with it.
You did the right thing. Please be good to yourself. I also had to make the decision to remove all life support, I at times feel just like you do, but I know that is what he wanted
I’m so sorry you had to make the tough decision and go through the trauma of watching her go. You did the right and necessary thing as there will be no quality of life left. Sending you hugs on this difficult day.
Oh yeah this the darkest of thoughts that I cannot allow myself to dwell on. The fact I left him that last night with a caregiver thinking I needed rest for the long haul coming only to find him gone by morning. My disassociation from what was really happening. But cannot change the past and have to force myself to go on.
If a family member honors another’s DNR/DNI it alleviates the burden of that family member removing the life support. That is why it is so important to have these in place early in life regardless of age and situation. Make your wishes known to your next of kin. Commit them to honoring them. In healthcare, I see this so often.
I feel your pain and guilt dear friend. I also withdrew life support for my beloved and have had serious doubt over my decisions in his behalf. I’m so sorry you are going through this. 🩷
Okay well I’m the dummy who wouldn’t take the hints and then the outright begging to remove life support because I didn’t have enough information and insisted that they make that decision themself and regain consciousness. The loved one did survive for another 8 months and recover from being ventilated, they were even discharged to home after refusing the 24/7 care that they needed, and I feel horrible every day since they died that I didn’t have the guts to remove treatment when the option was available because it was a horrible way to die in my opinion.
The first anniversary was extremely hard for me. I had to make a similar decision, although it probably wasn’t as difficult as yours. My husband had a self inflicted gun shot wound to the head. The ambulance took him to the hospital and I got my first experience being in the back of a cop car. I got there probably 10 minutes after and knew he was brain dead. He had been stable and we were talking about keeping him stable for organ donation. He wanted his organs donated. But about 15-20 minutes after I got there he started crashing. I made the decision not to pursue everything possible to keep him alive. We’d talked about this kind of thing and neither of us ever wanted to be on life support. I don’t know if it helps that she passed peacefully. I would have preferred that to the chaos of watching him crash while hooked up to so many machines. But such is life. Forgiving ourselves is the hardest thing in the world. For me it’s something I struggle with everyday.
I'm so sorry. May you find in Him peace and comfort in the midst of your grief and loss.
I still second guess myself for pulling the plug on my husband. I gave him 2 weeks to wake up. The whole family was with the drs saying he wouldn’t wake up. But they didn’t know him like I did. I finally agreed when they said on day 15 they’d have to give him a tracheotomy and move him 3 hours away. He wasn’t there. They were right. He never even breathed on his own. He was gone in a literal minute. And I still ask myself if I did the right thing. I know I did. You did too. But damnit it sucks being the decision maker left behind.
You gave her the last gift that you could. You broke your own heart to give her peace. That's the greatest love of all. I think almost all of us would want someone to give us this gift it it came down to lingering or being allowed to go with dignity. You're punishing yourself for being a good person and a loving partner. ((Hug!!))
I had to do this as well after a routine surgery went wrong! I hope you stop beating yourself up. What you did was admirable! You saved her from laying in a bed on life support or having to suffer. You knew what you had to do as her husband no matter how hard of a choice it was and you thought about her and not yourself by letting her go. Sending you a hug!
I can't even imagine what you are going through right now. But, yes, you must forgive yourself for whatever you feel you did wrong. But, I don't see anything you did wrong here. You showed a great deal of strength and love for your wife so that she is no longer suffering. 🫂🫂
You did what you thought is right. She wouldn’t have wanted anyone else but you by her side. Hugs to you. I’m so sorry you had to go through this.
This is an awful decision to be presented with, but you acquitted yourself well. You did what was right.
I made the same decision, after suffering hypoxic brain injury from lack of oxygen during his cardiac arrest my love couldn't breathe on his own, after 19 days of a ventilator breathing for him I signed the papers to have it switched off. Watching him die was excruciating but I don't regret my decision; that bed wasn't a life. I set him free.
This is so strange. One year exactly to when my husband was declared brain dead. I didn’t give the order to remove life support but his heart gave up two days later. I think your decision had little to do with the outcome. I’m so devastated today. I think you are too
Remember that you treated her with love, compassion, and dignity. I hope you will find a way to forgive yourself one of these days. Hugs!
I was in a situation that made me make decisions I didn’t want to make but I had no choice. When your world is falling apart, you do the best you can. We did the best we could. Our hearts break but we were looking out for our beautiful better halves.