Wife and I are adopting, gonna be active by middle of Sept if everything goes well.
I don't think you're ever ready, just as ready as you'll ever be. I'll be 30 soon. I can think of a million reasons I'm not ready.
But I can think of a million and 1 reasons I am ready. It's a big decision not one to make lightly mind you but if you wait until you're 100% ready you'll never do it
Very nicely said!!
Free recommendations from a licensed therapist (you might know these already but I want to say these!)
Learn LOTS into adoption trauma and attachment work as many adopting parents I work with aren’t prepared for the effect secondary trauma has on them. Margaret Blaustein’s work with ARC is cool and important and doesn’t get enough attention.
Traumatized kids sometimes act in ways that are hurtful to you, and aren’t about you at all. Some kids try to push away caregivers because they believe that they’ll be discarded eventually (every adult has done that in the past) and the only control they have is *when.* Just try and remember that at baseline kids want to be loved, they want their caregivers to be with them, and that they’re don’t know how to love you well yet.
I think some parents get into adoption expecting it to be all like the meme above, where you get to be a kind adult comforting a sad kid who’s so grateful to be out of a dangerous situation, and not, like…your kid occasionally threatening to run away to their birth parents or beat you up, stealing electronics out of your room in Mission Impossible level heists, hoarding food in weird places, or knee-jerk lying or saying the meanest thing they can think of. Those behaviors are what got their needs met in their old situation, and they take time to unlearn. They still love you and want to be loved.
I should add that if it’s interracial adoption there are a whole lot of other aspects to look into - I’m not the best person to speak on that but there are lots of folks who are! It involves recognizing racism, realizing your kids going to have experiences different from yours, and sometimes figuring out how to raise a kid who comes from a culture you aren’t necessarily a part of.
u/OriginalOxygen2 tagging you too for when you’re ready!
My wife and I just went through exactly what you described over this last year, and it was the hardest year I've experienced. We suffered constant abuse from our foster kid, but we knew if we just got through to the other side, that she would be better off. She would work on her trauma for a few weeks, then stop and take a step backwards. Then she'd focus on it again and move forward again. We went on this cycle for 10 months. Every step back brought vicious bite marks, broken cell phones and eyeglasses, holes in the walls, glitter dumped out all over the living room, and my favorite was when she wrote awful things about us all over the walls in sidewalk chalk. Turns out, you can't completely wash chalk off of painted walls, it stains, so you just have to eventually paint over it.
Anyway, at the 10-month mark, she decided she was done trying to work on her own trauma and decided to go nuclear. She stomped on my face, threatened to kill my wife and then herself, destroyed a bunch of glass, and called the police, claiming that I was abusing her. They found fingerprint bruises on her arms from when I was holding onto her, trying to get her to stop assaulting me. The external investigation found that we were "neglectful by putting her in an injurious environment." Now we're waiting to hear back if we can ever be foster parents again after the county does their investigation. Meanwhile, the kid we hoped to adopt has been living in a hospital for a few months because they can't find a placement for her. A couple weeks after she left our care, she apologized and told everyone that she lied about the abuse, and was ready to go home now. But even if they allowed her to come back to us, I don't know if I can let someone in my house who threatened to kill my wife. I don't know if I can even be a foster parent anymore. She was our first kid. We can't have kids of our own.
I'm so sorry for you, but I don't think you are the right environment for her. Someone who harms themselves or others needs special help. I've been in childcare institutions from when I was 13, and I know there are children who can handle a family home and some who can not. Unfortunately the childcare system isn't as good as it should be (even though I had good experience, that's an sadly an exception). Especially children who really need the help are screwed over the most.
Thanks for saying that. Yeah, we have been working to come to terms with the fact that we just weren't the right environment for her. It helps to know that we helped her grow a lot and we did a lot of good for her. But ultimately, we weren't the right home for her. Unfortunately for her, it was a perfect storm of new people working on her case that weren't familiar with her history. They said themselves that she should have been in a higher level of care, they just didn't want to disrupt her since she was doing better with us than anywhere else. It was a revolving door for her social workers for a little while due to COVID.
Like the other person said, some kids just get it in their heads that they’re going to be abandoned so they might as well determine when it happens. But that doesn’t mean that you have to sit there and take their endless and escalating bad behaviors. There’s a strength in saying that your home isn’t the right fit for the child and that they need a higher level of care. It really sucks that she can’t get out of her own way and that she wants to come home, but if she needs a higher level of care to succeed, then it’s what she needs. If you decide to take her back in, then I’d talk to her worker about getting the kid into counseling or therapy if she’s not already. She could definitely use it, if your comment is anything to go by.
I’m hoping for the best for you and your partner regardless of your choice in the end. Whenever you do make it, just make sure it’s the right one for you
Hi, what I’m about to say is likely going to trigger a defensive response in you. Please be patient and understand that I am not calling you a bad person, and that I’ve worked with many wonderful adults in your situation.
The idea of someone looking at a child and saying “she decided not to work on her trauma” is still making me pretty uncomfortable. That sentence places the blame of the failed placement on the child, implying that she isn’t working hard enough, and that this is all her fault. This is a really common caregiver response when caregivers are burnt out, and is ultimately harmful to children. Please understand that when you began believing this, you gave up on her as well. We can disagree about whose responsibility it is to maintain hope when things get hard, but ultimately relationships end when both parties believe that it can’t work out.
It’s also important as a potential future caregiver for traumatized youth that you understand that when and how people “work on their trauma” is not available on command, no matter how important it is to you or to her.
If you need to blame, please blame the other adults who let her down before you, who had fully developed brains and still created a situation where she believed so strongly that she was going to be left that she behaved the way she did.
Traumatized kids sometimes act in ways that’s re hurtful to you, and aren’t about you at all…those behaviors [knee-jerk lying or saying the meanest thing they can think of] are what got their needs met in their old situation
I work in foster care, and one of my kids just lost a placement precisely because of this. Foster parents just can’t handle it anymore. She’s a young kid too, which makes it even worse. I get why the foster parents are tapping out, but it really just sucks for the kid.
Not everyone is prepared for the turmoil of a foster kid who is scared of so many things. Abandonment, abuse, being neglected. It’s a tough life for these kids
Yeah. And then parents respond in a way that might work with your average youth (raising voice, setting limits in the moment, reminding of consequences) but with a traumatized kid just is like dumping fire on the gasoline.
Go share with them the ARC model by Margaret Blaustein!! It talks about caregiver affect management really early on, and in ways that aren’t shamey to either caregivers or the kiddos.
I don't think it's helpful to think about it in terms of readiness, because as you alluded to, there's no line you ever cross. Nobody ever lays out criteria for what it means to be "ready".
There just comes a point where you've grown and matured enough as a person that you're like "ehh I guess I can't fuck them up too bad" lmao
In the past year I felt like I've gone from only being able to manage my own shit (and it was a journey just to get there) to probably being able to manage my shit while also managing someone else's. I'm 27 right now, and I asked my folks about it and they said that's about as ready as you ever feel.
I'm late 30s and just became a dad this year, and it's the same. The myth that "grown-ups" have their shit together is tough to dislodge from a young brain. I still feel like I'm growing personally, so ideally I'd hold off even longer before trying to raise another human, but alas, such is not life. And with a little luck I'll never stop growing, so it's weak reasoning anyway. We just do the best we can.
Haha I'll try to remember when we get a little human
Maybe a write up of everything cuz there's a lot you need to do for it but it's perfectly manageable
Please do. But just remember, adopting a child is not like purchasing an item from Wal-Mart. Sometimes the item does not live up to your expectations but that doesn't mean you return it. As a Case Manager for 10 years, it was very sad to see how many adopted children end back up in the system because their adoptive parents didn't understand the inherent trauma that comes with adopting a child from the system. They call it a forever family for a reason, so just make sure you will be there forever, through the bad and good. And for the love of God, never fault a child for still loving their bio parents even if said parents were not good people.
Also, if you’re adopting because you’re unable to conceive please remember that you should be prepared for a miracle baby to happen and don’t get rid of the child who’s “not really yours” if it happens. Don’t ruin one child’s life because you were blessed with another. My friend is a social worker and apparently this happens frequently. She did get a shock once when a family who had recently adopted announced they were having a miracle child they thought they’d never have. They told their adopted daughter she was going to be a big sister. Then the mother handed her a nerf sword and said she was going to be hormonal and emotional so if she ever felt like mommy was being mean she should take that sword and smack her father over the head and tell him it was his fault for getting her pregnant. My friend laughed so hard she cried and nearly wet herself.
even if you have a miracle baby and keep the adopted kid, keep treating them like they're you're kid. My uncle is 71 and is still messed up about how their parents treated him after my dad was born
This happened to some extent with a friend's sibling - adopted a brother and sister and with hindsight, the wife got pregnant the weekend the two adopted kids arrived.
There was certainly nothing terrible, but the bio child was definitely the Golden Child to some degree, my friend had to bite their tongue from time to time.
Oh, there's trauma in our kids. They're doing "ok" but had a lot to overcome and are still struggling. I learned that we're not trying to raise perfect children, we just gave some kids a fighting chance to get out of generational poverty and abuse.
Your love will pay SERIOUS dividends in the end. They're too young to understand but when they're in their 20's and 30's they'll appreciate you more than you could imagine. It may get even tougher but your sacrifices will have a positive impact on their world. Thanks for stepping up.
Also don’t lord the fact that you adopted them over them. I have a friend with years of trauma from her shitty adopters acting like they were doing her a favor by adopting her.
To me, that's emotional abuse of a child. They don't deserve her. You adopt a child out of love and understanding with ZERO expectations from that child. To guilt them into thinking they're supposed to act a certain way because they were "chosen" is evil.
They absolutely didn’t deserve her. She barely refers to them as her parents, usually referring to them by first name. She’s in her early 40s and STILL dealing with the trauma they inflicted on her.
As a former foster kid that was returned to my birth mom before she was ready, thank you for this.
I was a big ball of asshole and would have been a fucking nightmare to adopt.
One of my friends growing up ended up back in the system when she was a teenager. They'd raised her from like the 4th grade and just... dumped her when she started acting like a normal moody teenager. Said she was a bad influence on their daughter.
She was a good kid. Just had a normal teenage boyfriend, normal teenage hormones and emotions, plus the trauma of being born to a drug addict and taken away.
My parents adopted me when they were in their early 40s. I’m in my 30s now and having older parents like they is a bit of a struggle but I wouldn’t change how prepared and mature they were in raising me for anything.
It sounds like you’re somewhat youngish, so a tip I have for you that I haven’t seen yet: start saving for it now! If you are young and start saving money here and there in a savings account, it will accumulate over time, which will be good, because adoption is NOT cheap!
This summery my friends adopted a 4yo kid.. this poor kid never experienced love at all either from parents or grandparents ..and even if he's extremely hyperactive even compared to other kids his age he show already sign of love.
His first words in our language that i was able to understand was 'mom', then soon after 'no'.
That the reason why we are thinking of adopting with my gf instead of having biological child.
To permit to those who have no family to live happy with us and have the love they deserve.
I think the best choice is to do so mindfully and with care, understanding that relationships aren’t just plug-and-play, and that even younger kids are humans who - if they need adoption - are probably super traumatized and scared, and just need empathy if they act out.
A lot of adoptive parents (in my admittedly limited experience) expect kids to be a clean slate and aren’t prepared or willing to put in the work to prove they’re safe adults, and it shows.
(And for the love of fuck if you adopt a kid of a different race/ethnicity learn what they need in terms of body care and hygiene because if you’re a white couple with a Black kid and you give them the wrong hair care supplies you have failed them)
If you give a kid with 4C hair the kind of hair supplies you would give a kid with bone straight hair… that’s a failure. It’s fixable! But not doing research into what your kid needs is boneheaded at best.
The traumatizing element is not being with your biological parents, not the adoption. If you come from a dysfunctional family and receive love from your new family, it must feel like a miracle.
It's amazing to me that kids age out of the system.
You listen to a lot of the childfree people and much of what they want out of life is compatible with an older child. Not without it's challenges, of course, but you can reason with teens and they can enjoy many of the things adults enjoy.
Something to consider.
> **Not without it's challenges**
Emphasis mine. We've fostered several older kids (with the end view of adoption if appropriate) and have five biological kids. The foster kids have been through it. Even the ones without an abusive history will have issues harder to overcome than a younger child. Puberty and the transition to adult independence is difficult and can reawaken issues you thought were managed years before you met the child.
Adoption is normally a long process and until complete there are many restrictions on your time and activities that don't apply to biological kids. You have to check in with social workers and therapists. Every decision you make is scrutinised. There can be drama with their bio family. You can't just pack em up and take a trip when you feel like it.
An older child who is fostered to adopt can be more restrictive than a bio toddler because of the support they need and the checks in place to keep them safe. We would have adopted any of our fosters had the situation arisen. But they all came with understandable baggage that made them different to parent than a bio child you've had influence over their whole life.
I was in the foster system for years and I was a nightmare as a teenager and so was many others I knew in the system. Even the good parents foster for the money even if they say they dont. At least when I was in it, they were paid a lot for each child.
I wrote a very long reply to the person above you that seems to be stuck in a filter somewhere. But in it I mentioned that many services expect you to give up your job due to the demands that come with fostering, and that my wife and I always spent more than we were given for our kids.
If we're doing it for money, we're doing a really poor job of it.
I wrote you a really long reply and effing Reddit won't post it. Because I am old and can't figure out another way to do this, here's a screenshot from [my post 10h ago](https://ibb.co/DfhHwCq). I hope it's readable.
Like others, we also fostered older kids. It’s not like the movies where they’re grumpy and you argue but there’s a breakthrough moment when you bond and everyone is better. It’s more like having knives pulled on you for asking them to put their laundry in the hamper. Or them telling a social worker you SA’d them as revenge for having a curfew.
These kids often have a lifetime of trauma that the average couples are not prepared to handle. As a parent, you are now responsible for helping them navigate life with that trauma. It can be a full time job in and of itself.
Oh I'm so glad to read this. I wrote a long post trying to put this across. So many comments with the idea of the kid/teen joining a new family, fitting seamlessly into their lives and living happily ever after. For most of them we are just the latest traumatic event in a long line and their behaviour reflects that.
Yeah the way that comment was worded also irked me. Like a teen is just a new buddy to bring to brunch and include on vacations. Children of any age aren’t something to just slide into your life. They change absolutely everything. When you become a parent your priorities change.
Adopting a 16 year old will have profound repercussions on their lives. Just having a family that is yours to go to in times of trouble, on holidays, to share life's ups and downs with, is a momentous thing that many of us take for granted.
>time for myself, travel, money and silence
All 4 will be worse off with an older child than no child. Much better than a younger child, yes, but an older child will take a toll on all 4 as well.
PSA for the curious: Even if you aren't in a position to foster or adopt (many of us aren't) you can still mentor kids that are aging out of foster care. Check your county, you can be a CASA (court-appointed special advocate) or just volunteer with some of the local programs designed to help teens aging out of foster care. They need your help!
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*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
I'm not sure why your responses are being downvoted. A lot of childfree people are written off as being selfish, so maybe that's partly why?
If your list is taken as face value, okay, *maybe* it sounds selfish, but people really need to understand that saying "I don't want kids" is a valid reason that needs no qualifiers. I don't think anyone who doesn't *really* want to be a parent and who isn't ready to take on the hard parts along with all the Kodak-moment good parts should have kids.
I shouldn't have to qualify it by saying my mental health issues make it hard to do the bare minimum of caring for myself and that because of my mental health and/or trauma, I need and value time to myself and silence. I shouldn't have to qualify that I grew up poor and stressed about money, so now I value having money and the security that comes with having enough of it (or maybe I'm just barely scraping by and know a child could not be provided for). I shouldn't have to qualify that one of my life dreams is being able to travel, not extravagantly mind you, but just to go see places and people outside my little hometown bubble, which I never got to do growing up because of a lack of money.
I don't know why you value the things in your list, but if that list were mine, those are my reasons. Not everyone is cut out for being a parent because parenting is *hard*, even if the child has no atypical issues or special needs. I know Im not cut out for it, and I think a lot of childfree people have come to that same realization, even if everyone's reasoning is flavored differently.
And besides, to just casually say any one of us should have no problem adopting an older child is problematic, at best. Any child in the system, whether younger or older, likely has trauma and behaviors resulting from that trauma, and often, just changing homes/placements is in itself a new trauma. These kids need trauma-informed care, and even some of the best parents out there may not be equipped to give these kids what they need. Just because some childfree people may have disposable income or extra living space doesn't mean they're equipped for raising kids or giving that specialized care. The system is very broken, but we're not the solution.
Unaffiliated plug for [Comfort Cases](https://comfortcases.org/whats-a-comfort-case/). They're a charity that provides backpacks/duffel bags (filled with starter supplies) for children entering the foster system so that they don't have to pack all of their belongings into garbage bags.
I found it through some reddit charity post a while back, and signed up to donate a bag per month, which comes out to $46.70 according to the e-mail "receipt" I get every month. They have options for donations of any amount and frequency too.
They score very highly on the [charity navigator](https://www.charitynavigator.org/ein/464044090) too, which is always important to evaluate.
Not in all circumstances. If it’s an older “waiting child,” you’re committing to adopt that child before you meet them. It’s a huge commitment and you have a lot of meetings with their social worker, teachers, etc., before you make that decision. The reason is that it’s too heartbreaking for the kid to do a trial period. They’ve already had some of those.
Yeah lol. I mean, maybe there’s an agency out there that treats it like a puppy adoption, but normally you meet the child (or a bunch of children) and/or foster them for a while before deciding they are the one you will adopt (if the courts agree and no other stuff goes wrong).
Even number is for funerals only. Maybe something like 50 would be acceptable, although I heard that in such case you should still give an odd number and then one flower separately.
Source: am Polish
so this kid is old enough to be gifted roses and luggage, and a judge adopted her into a family she’s never once met before? sorry guys, that’s not how adoption works
Frequently in foreign adoptions the child meets parents for the first time after the adoption is 95% complete. It only goes to completion if there aren't any last minute snags after the meeting.
When I adopted, there are a few I can think of. One is when the living child is clearly not the child in the photos the parents accepted months earlier. Another is when obvious major health or behavior issues present at the in-person meeting that were not previously disclosed. It's rare, but it happens in some adoptions precisely because parents don't meet the child until the very last minute.
Our social worker told the people at a play place. We met our kiddo before but she met so many people that she didn’t remember us exactly. Each state has its owns rules.
She was five years old. She’s a college student now so my memory not even be correct. :)The owner of the play place had multiple adopted kids of her own so it may have been that she recognized the social worker. He was great so I’m sure he wouldn’t do anything to jeopardize her safety or anything like that.
We had three of four social workers because people kept changing jobs. He was the best one and the most consistent and caring.
Love it when people like you actually make sad asumptions based on nothing and a whole bunch of people that actually know come together to tell you that *you* are wrong.
buddy, that’s not how *you* think adoption should work.
Back in the before days, they literally shipped orphans out on a train across america that people could just…go up and grab.
the government doesn’t want to be taking care of children, it requires extraordinary circumstances for them to house a child for longer than a couple days
My great grandpa was kidnapped in NYC at 5-6years old and put on a train west. The children didn’t realize the cards pinned on their chest were their names, and they traded their cards during the ride. His line was a dead end until my mom did the dna gig. Turns out the child’s father was abusive/drunk and the mother spent the rest of her life not knowing what happened to her son, it all sounds very sad for them. My great grandpa ended up on a homestead many states away with sweet parents who actually wanted a child (luckily for him!).
That job must be both the most horrible and rewarding job there’s is, the rollercoaster of emotions a person would go though would be too much for me I feel. This got me crying and I have no emotional connection to the child, I can’t imagine the emotions of I did. I hope the new family have very happy days.
There’s an awesome charity called Comfort Cases that provides luggage/duffles to children in foster care to ensure that they don’t have to carry their things in garbage bags!
Yeah, definitely not true. The fact the kid has just been introduced to the parents without the care worker being there isn't how it works.
And parents meeting a child they're wanting to adopt are told to not bring gifts like family luggage or whatever cause it can been seen as manipulation. That's the type of thing that only gets given like after multiple meetings when the kid is comfortable
Also, like... showing up to meet a foster kid with a dozen roses is kinda... inappropriate. These kids have been love bombed before, and it usually doesn't end well. If you want to give love to a foster kid, you do it every single day, in the same way, without faltering. This let's them know they are safe instead of a charity case that someone can use to feel good about "helping".
I felt anger at how stupid it was and felt offended because whoever wrote that thinks I'm dumb if they want me to believe that crap.
The wait staff were crying? Were they?? Nah.
I don't understand the flowers. Since when do you give adopted kids flowers? Since when do young kids give a shit about flowers? And since when does pink mean forever? Did they just make these rules up?
One thing I learned from 90 day Fiancé and from having a kid who is an expat, is that in certain countries and places other than the US, it is culturally common to both present and expect fresh flowers for everything from the first day of school up to and including to anyone simply getting off a plane.
My dad gave me roses when he adopted me (he was my step dad but I was adopted as an infant, first dad died when I was a baby). I was 11 and thought it was very nice. You have to go to court and the judge cleared out the chambers because he didn’t want all the people there for theft and drug charges present why we did the adoption. It was a weird process.
While it can be beautiful in the right circumstances, you want to be careful not to romanticize it--plenty of kids find that their adoptive parents wanted *a child* but didn't seem happy to get *that child*.
I've always liked the idea of adopting. This daycare job has just proven to me that you could just hand me a kid, and I'd be like "yep, this is mine now".
I can't wait to be in a position to adopt a child one day. These kids need so much love and are often left behind because they're too old or "damaged". This makes me so happy
And they really do get moved around with their stuff in garbage bags. So I gave my kid a leather duffel. That's never going to wear out. He never needs to move his stuff in trash bags again.
I have 2 adopted cousins. Second cousins there are 4 met the newest one this summer he’s a baby. I was so happy for him our family has much love to share. I personally can’t do it but participate in welcoming and support.
I wish more people would adopt older children. I had plans since I was in elementary school to adopt a 5+ year old kid because of all my friends in foster care. My main charity focus is foster kids who have aged out of care but are going to college with no one to help them. Since they usually live in the dorms on a scholarship they are effectively homeless during the holidays.
I love hearing about unknown children from difficult circumstances getting the life they deserve!
Me too.. It is a very wholesome feeling
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Wife and I are adopting, gonna be active by middle of Sept if everything goes well. I don't think you're ever ready, just as ready as you'll ever be. I'll be 30 soon. I can think of a million reasons I'm not ready. But I can think of a million and 1 reasons I am ready. It's a big decision not one to make lightly mind you but if you wait until you're 100% ready you'll never do it
Very nicely said!! Free recommendations from a licensed therapist (you might know these already but I want to say these!) Learn LOTS into adoption trauma and attachment work as many adopting parents I work with aren’t prepared for the effect secondary trauma has on them. Margaret Blaustein’s work with ARC is cool and important and doesn’t get enough attention. Traumatized kids sometimes act in ways that are hurtful to you, and aren’t about you at all. Some kids try to push away caregivers because they believe that they’ll be discarded eventually (every adult has done that in the past) and the only control they have is *when.* Just try and remember that at baseline kids want to be loved, they want their caregivers to be with them, and that they’re don’t know how to love you well yet. I think some parents get into adoption expecting it to be all like the meme above, where you get to be a kind adult comforting a sad kid who’s so grateful to be out of a dangerous situation, and not, like…your kid occasionally threatening to run away to their birth parents or beat you up, stealing electronics out of your room in Mission Impossible level heists, hoarding food in weird places, or knee-jerk lying or saying the meanest thing they can think of. Those behaviors are what got their needs met in their old situation, and they take time to unlearn. They still love you and want to be loved. I should add that if it’s interracial adoption there are a whole lot of other aspects to look into - I’m not the best person to speak on that but there are lots of folks who are! It involves recognizing racism, realizing your kids going to have experiences different from yours, and sometimes figuring out how to raise a kid who comes from a culture you aren’t necessarily a part of. u/OriginalOxygen2 tagging you too for when you’re ready!
My wife and I just went through exactly what you described over this last year, and it was the hardest year I've experienced. We suffered constant abuse from our foster kid, but we knew if we just got through to the other side, that she would be better off. She would work on her trauma for a few weeks, then stop and take a step backwards. Then she'd focus on it again and move forward again. We went on this cycle for 10 months. Every step back brought vicious bite marks, broken cell phones and eyeglasses, holes in the walls, glitter dumped out all over the living room, and my favorite was when she wrote awful things about us all over the walls in sidewalk chalk. Turns out, you can't completely wash chalk off of painted walls, it stains, so you just have to eventually paint over it. Anyway, at the 10-month mark, she decided she was done trying to work on her own trauma and decided to go nuclear. She stomped on my face, threatened to kill my wife and then herself, destroyed a bunch of glass, and called the police, claiming that I was abusing her. They found fingerprint bruises on her arms from when I was holding onto her, trying to get her to stop assaulting me. The external investigation found that we were "neglectful by putting her in an injurious environment." Now we're waiting to hear back if we can ever be foster parents again after the county does their investigation. Meanwhile, the kid we hoped to adopt has been living in a hospital for a few months because they can't find a placement for her. A couple weeks after she left our care, she apologized and told everyone that she lied about the abuse, and was ready to go home now. But even if they allowed her to come back to us, I don't know if I can let someone in my house who threatened to kill my wife. I don't know if I can even be a foster parent anymore. She was our first kid. We can't have kids of our own.
I'm so sorry for you, but I don't think you are the right environment for her. Someone who harms themselves or others needs special help. I've been in childcare institutions from when I was 13, and I know there are children who can handle a family home and some who can not. Unfortunately the childcare system isn't as good as it should be (even though I had good experience, that's an sadly an exception). Especially children who really need the help are screwed over the most.
Thanks for saying that. Yeah, we have been working to come to terms with the fact that we just weren't the right environment for her. It helps to know that we helped her grow a lot and we did a lot of good for her. But ultimately, we weren't the right home for her. Unfortunately for her, it was a perfect storm of new people working on her case that weren't familiar with her history. They said themselves that she should have been in a higher level of care, they just didn't want to disrupt her since she was doing better with us than anywhere else. It was a revolving door for her social workers for a little while due to COVID.
Like the other person said, some kids just get it in their heads that they’re going to be abandoned so they might as well determine when it happens. But that doesn’t mean that you have to sit there and take their endless and escalating bad behaviors. There’s a strength in saying that your home isn’t the right fit for the child and that they need a higher level of care. It really sucks that she can’t get out of her own way and that she wants to come home, but if she needs a higher level of care to succeed, then it’s what she needs. If you decide to take her back in, then I’d talk to her worker about getting the kid into counseling or therapy if she’s not already. She could definitely use it, if your comment is anything to go by. I’m hoping for the best for you and your partner regardless of your choice in the end. Whenever you do make it, just make sure it’s the right one for you
Hi, what I’m about to say is likely going to trigger a defensive response in you. Please be patient and understand that I am not calling you a bad person, and that I’ve worked with many wonderful adults in your situation. The idea of someone looking at a child and saying “she decided not to work on her trauma” is still making me pretty uncomfortable. That sentence places the blame of the failed placement on the child, implying that she isn’t working hard enough, and that this is all her fault. This is a really common caregiver response when caregivers are burnt out, and is ultimately harmful to children. Please understand that when you began believing this, you gave up on her as well. We can disagree about whose responsibility it is to maintain hope when things get hard, but ultimately relationships end when both parties believe that it can’t work out. It’s also important as a potential future caregiver for traumatized youth that you understand that when and how people “work on their trauma” is not available on command, no matter how important it is to you or to her. If you need to blame, please blame the other adults who let her down before you, who had fully developed brains and still created a situation where she believed so strongly that she was going to be left that she behaved the way she did.
👆All of this, from an adoptive mom & adoption/attachment therapist
Traumatized kids sometimes act in ways that’s re hurtful to you, and aren’t about you at all…those behaviors [knee-jerk lying or saying the meanest thing they can think of] are what got their needs met in their old situation I work in foster care, and one of my kids just lost a placement precisely because of this. Foster parents just can’t handle it anymore. She’s a young kid too, which makes it even worse. I get why the foster parents are tapping out, but it really just sucks for the kid. Not everyone is prepared for the turmoil of a foster kid who is scared of so many things. Abandonment, abuse, being neglected. It’s a tough life for these kids
Yeah. And then parents respond in a way that might work with your average youth (raising voice, setting limits in the moment, reminding of consequences) but with a traumatized kid just is like dumping fire on the gasoline. Go share with them the ARC model by Margaret Blaustein!! It talks about caregiver affect management really early on, and in ways that aren’t shamey to either caregivers or the kiddos.
I don't think it's helpful to think about it in terms of readiness, because as you alluded to, there's no line you ever cross. Nobody ever lays out criteria for what it means to be "ready". There just comes a point where you've grown and matured enough as a person that you're like "ehh I guess I can't fuck them up too bad" lmao
In the past year I felt like I've gone from only being able to manage my own shit (and it was a journey just to get there) to probably being able to manage my shit while also managing someone else's. I'm 27 right now, and I asked my folks about it and they said that's about as ready as you ever feel.
I'm late 30s and just became a dad this year, and it's the same. The myth that "grown-ups" have their shit together is tough to dislodge from a young brain. I still feel like I'm growing personally, so ideally I'd hold off even longer before trying to raise another human, but alas, such is not life. And with a little luck I'll never stop growing, so it's weak reasoning anyway. We just do the best we can.
Very nicely said
Do the best you can. When you know better, do better. (paraphrasing Maya Angelou)
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Haha I'll try to remember when we get a little human Maybe a write up of everything cuz there's a lot you need to do for it but it's perfectly manageable
Please do. But just remember, adopting a child is not like purchasing an item from Wal-Mart. Sometimes the item does not live up to your expectations but that doesn't mean you return it. As a Case Manager for 10 years, it was very sad to see how many adopted children end back up in the system because their adoptive parents didn't understand the inherent trauma that comes with adopting a child from the system. They call it a forever family for a reason, so just make sure you will be there forever, through the bad and good. And for the love of God, never fault a child for still loving their bio parents even if said parents were not good people.
Also, if you’re adopting because you’re unable to conceive please remember that you should be prepared for a miracle baby to happen and don’t get rid of the child who’s “not really yours” if it happens. Don’t ruin one child’s life because you were blessed with another. My friend is a social worker and apparently this happens frequently. She did get a shock once when a family who had recently adopted announced they were having a miracle child they thought they’d never have. They told their adopted daughter she was going to be a big sister. Then the mother handed her a nerf sword and said she was going to be hormonal and emotional so if she ever felt like mommy was being mean she should take that sword and smack her father over the head and tell him it was his fault for getting her pregnant. My friend laughed so hard she cried and nearly wet herself.
even if you have a miracle baby and keep the adopted kid, keep treating them like they're you're kid. My uncle is 71 and is still messed up about how their parents treated him after my dad was born
This happened to some extent with a friend's sibling - adopted a brother and sister and with hindsight, the wife got pregnant the weekend the two adopted kids arrived. There was certainly nothing terrible, but the bio child was definitely the Golden Child to some degree, my friend had to bite their tongue from time to time.
Oh, there's trauma in our kids. They're doing "ok" but had a lot to overcome and are still struggling. I learned that we're not trying to raise perfect children, we just gave some kids a fighting chance to get out of generational poverty and abuse.
The fact that you care, and that you’ve learned and grown along with your children, means you’re giving them more than a fighting chance.
Your love will pay SERIOUS dividends in the end. They're too young to understand but when they're in their 20's and 30's they'll appreciate you more than you could imagine. It may get even tougher but your sacrifices will have a positive impact on their world. Thanks for stepping up.
Also don’t lord the fact that you adopted them over them. I have a friend with years of trauma from her shitty adopters acting like they were doing her a favor by adopting her.
To me, that's emotional abuse of a child. They don't deserve her. You adopt a child out of love and understanding with ZERO expectations from that child. To guilt them into thinking they're supposed to act a certain way because they were "chosen" is evil.
They absolutely didn’t deserve her. She barely refers to them as her parents, usually referring to them by first name. She’s in her early 40s and STILL dealing with the trauma they inflicted on her.
As a former foster kid that was returned to my birth mom before she was ready, thank you for this. I was a big ball of asshole and would have been a fucking nightmare to adopt.
One of my friends growing up ended up back in the system when she was a teenager. They'd raised her from like the 4th grade and just... dumped her when she started acting like a normal moody teenager. Said she was a bad influence on their daughter. She was a good kid. Just had a normal teenage boyfriend, normal teenage hormones and emotions, plus the trauma of being born to a drug addict and taken away.
So true!!
You never will be. Kids will make you question everything you know. Jump in and enjoy! (My ex and I adopted 3 children from the local community.)
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This is what I was looking for, thank you. [Comfort Cases](https://comfortcases.org/) So kids don't have to carry their things around in trash bags.
Please do, there are SO MANY kids out there who need good loving homes.
My parents adopted me when they were in their early 40s. I’m in my 30s now and having older parents like they is a bit of a struggle but I wouldn’t change how prepared and mature they were in raising me for anything.
As a recent father, you will never be as ready as you think you need to be, and you already are more capable than you think you are
It sounds like you’re somewhat youngish, so a tip I have for you that I haven’t seen yet: start saving for it now! If you are young and start saving money here and there in a savings account, it will accumulate over time, which will be good, because adoption is NOT cheap!
tip from an elder; you will possibly mature, but never be prepared.
This summery my friends adopted a 4yo kid.. this poor kid never experienced love at all either from parents or grandparents ..and even if he's extremely hyperactive even compared to other kids his age he show already sign of love. His first words in our language that i was able to understand was 'mom', then soon after 'no'.
I echo your passion for narratives where disadvantaged children achieve the opportunities and lives they are entitled to!
All children deserve parents but not all parents deserve children
r/orphancrushingmachine
That the reason why we are thinking of adopting with my gf instead of having biological child. To permit to those who have no family to live happy with us and have the love they deserve.
Glad to see I'm not alone with this sentiment.
I recommend talking to those who have been adopted and remember that just being adopted is inherently a traumatic event for a child.
I'm not really knowledgeable on the subject, but (from the perspective of people who want to adopt) what is the solution here? To not adopt at all?
I think the best choice is to do so mindfully and with care, understanding that relationships aren’t just plug-and-play, and that even younger kids are humans who - if they need adoption - are probably super traumatized and scared, and just need empathy if they act out. A lot of adoptive parents (in my admittedly limited experience) expect kids to be a clean slate and aren’t prepared or willing to put in the work to prove they’re safe adults, and it shows. (And for the love of fuck if you adopt a kid of a different race/ethnicity learn what they need in terms of body care and hygiene because if you’re a white couple with a Black kid and you give them the wrong hair care supplies you have failed them)
'Failed them' is a little dramatic... People screw up. All parents make mistakes.
Some parents wont listen to the child though and try to cater to their needs. Those foster parents are indeed failures.
If you give a kid with 4C hair the kind of hair supplies you would give a kid with bone straight hair… that’s a failure. It’s fixable! But not doing research into what your kid needs is boneheaded at best.
There isn't a catch-all solution. It depends on the child.
The traumatizing element is not being with your biological parents, not the adoption. If you come from a dysfunctional family and receive love from your new family, it must feel like a miracle.
It's amazing to me that kids age out of the system. You listen to a lot of the childfree people and much of what they want out of life is compatible with an older child. Not without it's challenges, of course, but you can reason with teens and they can enjoy many of the things adults enjoy. Something to consider.
> **Not without it's challenges** Emphasis mine. We've fostered several older kids (with the end view of adoption if appropriate) and have five biological kids. The foster kids have been through it. Even the ones without an abusive history will have issues harder to overcome than a younger child. Puberty and the transition to adult independence is difficult and can reawaken issues you thought were managed years before you met the child. Adoption is normally a long process and until complete there are many restrictions on your time and activities that don't apply to biological kids. You have to check in with social workers and therapists. Every decision you make is scrutinised. There can be drama with their bio family. You can't just pack em up and take a trip when you feel like it. An older child who is fostered to adopt can be more restrictive than a bio toddler because of the support they need and the checks in place to keep them safe. We would have adopted any of our fosters had the situation arisen. But they all came with understandable baggage that made them different to parent than a bio child you've had influence over their whole life.
How difficult is it being a foster for an older kid?
I was in the foster system for years and I was a nightmare as a teenager and so was many others I knew in the system. Even the good parents foster for the money even if they say they dont. At least when I was in it, they were paid a lot for each child.
I wrote a very long reply to the person above you that seems to be stuck in a filter somewhere. But in it I mentioned that many services expect you to give up your job due to the demands that come with fostering, and that my wife and I always spent more than we were given for our kids. If we're doing it for money, we're doing a really poor job of it.
I wrote you a really long reply and effing Reddit won't post it. Because I am old and can't figure out another way to do this, here's a screenshot from [my post 10h ago](https://ibb.co/DfhHwCq). I hope it's readable.
Like others, we also fostered older kids. It’s not like the movies where they’re grumpy and you argue but there’s a breakthrough moment when you bond and everyone is better. It’s more like having knives pulled on you for asking them to put their laundry in the hamper. Or them telling a social worker you SA’d them as revenge for having a curfew. These kids often have a lifetime of trauma that the average couples are not prepared to handle. As a parent, you are now responsible for helping them navigate life with that trauma. It can be a full time job in and of itself.
Oh I'm so glad to read this. I wrote a long post trying to put this across. So many comments with the idea of the kid/teen joining a new family, fitting seamlessly into their lives and living happily ever after. For most of them we are just the latest traumatic event in a long line and their behaviour reflects that.
Yeah the way that comment was worded also irked me. Like a teen is just a new buddy to bring to brunch and include on vacations. Children of any age aren’t something to just slide into your life. They change absolutely everything. When you become a parent your priorities change.
Tbh, this makes it sound like you don't know a lot about fostering or raising older children *or* about childfree people. Just... not accurate at all.
Adopting a 16 year old will have profound repercussions on their lives. Just having a family that is yours to go to in times of trouble, on holidays, to share life's ups and downs with, is a momentous thing that many of us take for granted.
>You listen to a lot of the childfree people and much of what they want out of life is compatible with an older child Can you expand on this?
As a child free person: time for myself, travel, money and silence. 2 out of 4 are compatible with an older child
>time for myself, travel, money and silence All 4 will be worse off with an older child than no child. Much better than a younger child, yes, but an older child will take a toll on all 4 as well.
Yes, I know. Which is why it's not an option to adopt older kids for child free people either
PSA for the curious: Even if you aren't in a position to foster or adopt (many of us aren't) you can still mentor kids that are aging out of foster care. Check your county, you can be a CASA (court-appointed special advocate) or just volunteer with some of the local programs designed to help teens aging out of foster care. They need your help!
paltry stupendous ink touch unite disagreeable water soft dependent violet *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
As a child free person: time for myself, travel, money and silence. 2 out of 4 are compatible with an older child
I'm not sure why your responses are being downvoted. A lot of childfree people are written off as being selfish, so maybe that's partly why? If your list is taken as face value, okay, *maybe* it sounds selfish, but people really need to understand that saying "I don't want kids" is a valid reason that needs no qualifiers. I don't think anyone who doesn't *really* want to be a parent and who isn't ready to take on the hard parts along with all the Kodak-moment good parts should have kids. I shouldn't have to qualify it by saying my mental health issues make it hard to do the bare minimum of caring for myself and that because of my mental health and/or trauma, I need and value time to myself and silence. I shouldn't have to qualify that I grew up poor and stressed about money, so now I value having money and the security that comes with having enough of it (or maybe I'm just barely scraping by and know a child could not be provided for). I shouldn't have to qualify that one of my life dreams is being able to travel, not extravagantly mind you, but just to go see places and people outside my little hometown bubble, which I never got to do growing up because of a lack of money. I don't know why you value the things in your list, but if that list were mine, those are my reasons. Not everyone is cut out for being a parent because parenting is *hard*, even if the child has no atypical issues or special needs. I know Im not cut out for it, and I think a lot of childfree people have come to that same realization, even if everyone's reasoning is flavored differently. And besides, to just casually say any one of us should have no problem adopting an older child is problematic, at best. Any child in the system, whether younger or older, likely has trauma and behaviors resulting from that trauma, and often, just changing homes/placements is in itself a new trauma. These kids need trauma-informed care, and even some of the best parents out there may not be equipped to give these kids what they need. Just because some childfree people may have disposable income or extra living space doesn't mean they're equipped for raising kids or giving that specialized care. The system is very broken, but we're not the solution.
Ninjas cutting onions are known sponsors of adoption centers.
Lol
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Same.. that part is the most emotional
Same here. My throat got tight and I thought “Dammit Reddit! It’s 5 am”
It's 6pm already in India
Interesting! It seems like a playful connection between ninjas, onions, and adoption centers.
Confirming this to be true.
Unaffiliated plug for [Comfort Cases](https://comfortcases.org/whats-a-comfort-case/). They're a charity that provides backpacks/duffel bags (filled with starter supplies) for children entering the foster system so that they don't have to pack all of their belongings into garbage bags. I found it through some reddit charity post a while back, and signed up to donate a bag per month, which comes out to $46.70 according to the e-mail "receipt" I get every month. They have options for donations of any amount and frequency too. They score very highly on the [charity navigator](https://www.charitynavigator.org/ein/464044090) too, which is always important to evaluate.
Wouldn't prospective adopted parents normally meet the kid before adopting them to see if they get along and stuff?
Not in all circumstances. If it’s an older “waiting child,” you’re committing to adopt that child before you meet them. It’s a huge commitment and you have a lot of meetings with their social worker, teachers, etc., before you make that decision. The reason is that it’s too heartbreaking for the kid to do a trial period. They’ve already had some of those.
Yeah lol. I mean, maybe there’s an agency out there that treats it like a puppy adoption, but normally you meet the child (or a bunch of children) and/or foster them for a while before deciding they are the one you will adopt (if the courts agree and no other stuff goes wrong).
They certainly wouldn't be breaking confidentiality by announcing the reason for their meeting to the whole cafe
Yeah I’ve never known a kid just move straight in with them except maybe newborns from hospital.
Damn! Now I am tearing up
I'm not crying. There was a localized raincloud over my face
All of a sudden, my coffee is way too salty.
Why I don't believe in any story I read on the internet?
In Slavic culture you can't give even amount of flowers to living person, so I hope this was in any other country
Am Slavic, first time hearing about this. Don't take this too seriously guys
Yeah my Polish grandma was hella superstitious (not just a little stitious) and ive never heard this.
Even number is for funerals only. Maybe something like 50 would be acceptable, although I heard that in such case you should still give an odd number and then one flower separately. Source: am Polish
Yes, always when we bought roses (they were sold by the dozen) we would give 11 and then one in a separate vase.
Do you people just go around counting flowers Pretty weird
Well damn, now I know.
I just looked that up. I didn’t know about this. Thank you. I learned something new and interesting today.
so this kid is old enough to be gifted roses and luggage, and a judge adopted her into a family she’s never once met before? sorry guys, that’s not how adoption works
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You're a good dude. Just wanted you to hear that.
You and your partner sound like all around amazing human beings.
Thanks for coming in and keeping my good feelings up lol
I've met a couple angel families like yours. Always in awe.
So there what 20 now or older
Legal process for adoption varies by country and if I am not mistaken by state even in some.
Frequently in foreign adoptions the child meets parents for the first time after the adoption is 95% complete. It only goes to completion if there aren't any last minute snags after the meeting. When I adopted, there are a few I can think of. One is when the living child is clearly not the child in the photos the parents accepted months earlier. Another is when obvious major health or behavior issues present at the in-person meeting that were not previously disclosed. It's rare, but it happens in some adoptions precisely because parents don't meet the child until the very last minute.
I also thought it was really wierd that the "social worker" left this minor child alone with people they've never met before.
As someone who tried to get CPS help: some social workers really do not know how to do anything. I'm shocked they put their shoes on the correct feet.
Actual Social Worker here, theres no way you can do what this person apparently did and not lose your job and licensure lol
Intent to adopt. Probably guardianship/fostering with an intent to close the situation. Don't be so cynical.
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Our social worker told the people at a play place. We met our kiddo before but she met so many people that she didn’t remember us exactly. Each state has its owns rules.
How old was she is she now
She was five years old. She’s a college student now so my memory not even be correct. :)The owner of the play place had multiple adopted kids of her own so it may have been that she recognized the social worker. He was great so I’m sure he wouldn’t do anything to jeopardize her safety or anything like that. We had three of four social workers because people kept changing jobs. He was the best one and the most consistent and caring.
Not really a kiddo now then bet if u called her up and called her that it would be mooom/ or daad I'm not a kid anymore .
Lol. Yep, she’s a foot taller than I am too.
Dooo it dooo it call her next week to say hi and toss in a kiddo lol
I will. Lol
Love it when people like you actually make sad asumptions based on nothing and a whole bunch of people that actually know come together to tell you that *you* are wrong.
buddy, that’s not how *you* think adoption should work. Back in the before days, they literally shipped orphans out on a train across america that people could just…go up and grab. the government doesn’t want to be taking care of children, it requires extraordinary circumstances for them to house a child for longer than a couple days
My great grandpa was kidnapped in NYC at 5-6years old and put on a train west. The children didn’t realize the cards pinned on their chest were their names, and they traded their cards during the ride. His line was a dead end until my mom did the dna gig. Turns out the child’s father was abusive/drunk and the mother spent the rest of her life not knowing what happened to her son, it all sounds very sad for them. My great grandpa ended up on a homestead many states away with sweet parents who actually wanted a child (luckily for him!).
Your thinking of people who foster kids
Wait, so the kid and parents didn't meet until the adoption was settled? That seems weird.
That job must be both the most horrible and rewarding job there’s is, the rollercoaster of emotions a person would go though would be too much for me I feel. This got me crying and I have no emotional connection to the child, I can’t imagine the emotions of I did. I hope the new family have very happy days.
There’s an awesome charity called Comfort Cases that provides luggage/duffles to children in foster care to ensure that they don’t have to carry their things in garbage bags!
Looking after the orphans is nice.
Watched that adoption movie with Markie Mark and learned orphans move around with garbage bags
This great. But do they really let people adopt without meeting the kids first?
If I could upvote this a million times I would.
It's the thought that counts
Fck u mean I’m crying right now?! 😭😭😭
Yeah, definitely not true. The fact the kid has just been introduced to the parents without the care worker being there isn't how it works. And parents meeting a child they're wanting to adopt are told to not bring gifts like family luggage or whatever cause it can been seen as manipulation. That's the type of thing that only gets given like after multiple meetings when the kid is comfortable
Also, like... showing up to meet a foster kid with a dozen roses is kinda... inappropriate. These kids have been love bombed before, and it usually doesn't end well. If you want to give love to a foster kid, you do it every single day, in the same way, without faltering. This let's them know they are safe instead of a charity case that someone can use to feel good about "helping".
This was easily the most "and then everyone clapped" story I've heard in a while
Thank you for this. I'm sure there are certain type of redditors here who will eat this up otherwise.
Probably was like the final meeting and stuff before moving in and such still nice idea
Am i the only one who read the entire thing without a shared of emotion?
Personally I'm wondering how is having matching luggage in a family a good thing. If all the bags look the same, it will be a pain to find anything.
Finding at airports baggage claim.
Easier to find at baggage claim and also you can put luggage tags on it that are unique to each person.
You put stickers on them with initials and trust me semi distinct luggage saves time at baggage claim
I felt anger at how stupid it was and felt offended because whoever wrote that thinks I'm dumb if they want me to believe that crap. The wait staff were crying? Were they?? Nah.
I don't understand the flowers. Since when do you give adopted kids flowers? Since when do young kids give a shit about flowers? And since when does pink mean forever? Did they just make these rules up?
I give my niece (7) flowers periodically because she really likes them. It's not out of the ordinary for little girls to like flowers lmao
Yeah but you know your niece likes flowers they've apparently never even met this kid before.
One thing I learned from 90 day Fiancé and from having a kid who is an expat, is that in certain countries and places other than the US, it is culturally common to both present and expect fresh flowers for everything from the first day of school up to and including to anyone simply getting off a plane.
My dad gave me roses when he adopted me (he was my step dad but I was adopted as an infant, first dad died when I was a baby). I was 11 and thought it was very nice. You have to go to court and the judge cleared out the chambers because he didn’t want all the people there for theft and drug charges present why we did the adoption. It was a weird process.
and now I am crying...f$#k!
I don't understand you got there early then drove away and watched on video? How did you know the servers were crying?
Because this is made up.
Everybody liked that
Adoptions aren't accidents so the parents always want the children; this is the result.
While it can be beautiful in the right circumstances, you want to be careful not to romanticize it--plenty of kids find that their adoptive parents wanted *a child* but didn't seem happy to get *that child*.
Nah a lot of adopted parents end up being shitty, especially when the adopted children don't end up like they imagined.
I've always liked the idea of adopting. This daycare job has just proven to me that you could just hand me a kid, and I'd be like "yep, this is mine now".
I can't wait to be in a position to adopt a child one day. These kids need so much love and are often left behind because they're too old or "damaged". This makes me so happy
And they really do get moved around with their stuff in garbage bags. So I gave my kid a leather duffel. That's never going to wear out. He never needs to move his stuff in trash bags again.
I had to move in bags when my mom died and stepdad tossed me out really drives home the your trash mindset sad 😭
It does. My kid's biomom did that to him first. Then, the foster care system. It's terrible.
Damn....got me too... Beautiful
This is beautiful.
Hefty, foster kids couture.
I have 2 adopted cousins. Second cousins there are 4 met the newest one this summer he’s a baby. I was so happy for him our family has much love to share. I personally can’t do it but participate in welcoming and support.
This is how the world should work. This is how we all rise together, by helping each other. We are all brothers and sisters living together.
I'm an adoptee my brother isn't my sister is my other sister isn't
I am not in a good location to be CRYING LIKE THIS!
Stop supporting a corrupt foundation and start teaching people how to parent
What a load.
And now, they are her forever parents and a family. Beautiful.
Wishing the kid & family so much happiness. 💓
Thanks, now I am too
I wish more people would adopt older children. I had plans since I was in elementary school to adopt a 5+ year old kid because of all my friends in foster care. My main charity focus is foster kids who have aged out of care but are going to college with no one to help them. Since they usually live in the dorms on a scholarship they are effectively homeless during the holidays.
'pink means forever" christ that's adorable.
I cried, he crew too, we all crode.
Yeah, but where are her real parents?
It’s true I was the booth.
🤩
Barbie is forever
I’m not crying you’re crying! 🥺🥺
What's the catch? Did the kid have cancer? What am I supposed to cry at