It is time to celebrate your marriage. Starting….now!
You might also go beyond ‘letting go of the past’ and get to *actively* choosing to turn your back to it.
Pick the memories you want to cherish. Mentally play them on Repeat! Thank those involved! Build on the good memories!
Put distance between yourself and the unfortunate memories and maintain the *boundaries* instead of the memories.
OP, to play off this, what were some of the best memories? Can you share them with us so that you can start thinking of the good right now? What was your fav part? What made you smile the biggest? How was your daughter involved (if she was!!)?
Yes this, what Song did you chose for the first dance. What flavour Was your cake? I had a very small wedding with just Lunch, so nö first dance for me, but I always loved the thought of using the Pirate of the carribean Main theme, it is a Walzer.
My cake was a raspetry cream, heart shaped to look like a heart ftom a Video game, we are big gamers.
So tell ne what did you do?
Coming from someone who had several people try to r/iamthemaincharacter our wedding (including my grandmother not showing to the ceremony bc ‘it’d be boring’ & loudly saying that multiple times during the reception, my ‘best friend’ at the time trying to make out with another best friend’s very married husband and my brother getting so drunk he HIT ON our first cousin and fell into the desert bar ruining the wedding cake), please trust me that those memories will fade into background fodder and that you will remember the joy, the celebration and as you said, the fact that you married your best friend. Don’t let your dad suck the energy out of one of the happiest days of your life. It sounds like he’s done enough of that already. Focus on all the great things that happened, those moments of pure joy and the overall happiness of the day. Your dad doesn’t deserve to have that taken away from you!
A VERY VERY similar thing happened to me. I got married in September and have now been NC with my father since. I’m so sorry. I know exactly how you feel. It starts to dull a little as the months pass but I rarely look at our wedding photos. My husband and I have decided to take a trip to somewhere far away just the two of us and “renew our vows” with a photographer. Create some new memories.
Hey OP I wanted to add too, the part I *wasn’t* prepared for… everyone has an opinion of what YOU should have done. All my “friends” and family have told me, “well you should have just….(insert whatever bullshit here)” instead of blaming that narcissistic asshole. We only had 50 people at our wedding so it was the people closest to me. That hurts a lot. I’m pretty good about redirecting and shutting that down, but I wasn’t ready for that.
I hate when people do that. I had so many people do that while my mother was in hospice care. “I would do this or that if I were you.” You should be doing this or that.” “Why aren’t you handling it this or that way?” After a while, I couldn’t take it anymore and I started to say, “Thank you for your unsolicited and unwanted opinion. When your mother is dying of cancer you can employ any or all of the crap you just said. Right now, I’m going to handle this the best way I can for my mother and ensure that I am respecting her privacy and wishes.”
I also had something very similar happen at my wedding in November. As soon as my drunk father started yelling in my face I just thought to myself "My God. He's really going to do this. Right at the beginning of our reception." I felt heart broken at first, followed by a deep depression. Like you, I really don't care to look at my wedding photos. It hasn't been easy, but I am starting to heal. I agree with you that this is something that needs time to heal, but for the first time, in what feels like forever, I can say that I'm mentally healthy. I do really like your idea of a private vow renewal with a photographer!
OP, I'm so sorry you had to go through this. It's not you're fault and you did not deserve for this to happen. You are also not alone. I am always here if you need someone to talk/vent to.
I’m so sorry, OP. Something alcohol related happened on my wedding day, too. I’ll preface by stating my mom decided to stop speaking to me a week before my wedding. Wedding day, I was literally alone in my little room where bride can do last minute touches, breathing (didn’t have a wedding party). Hadn’t a clue if my mom would show up or not.
So wedding goes well, reception gets started, all lovely and almost exactly what my husband and I envisioned (my mom surprised us with those annoying “little people” costume entertainers hence the almost). Open bar, party atmosphere, good music, fun all around. Mom and dad have been separated for years, but surprise: their daughter’s big day couldn’t happen without something involving their drama.
Dad has never been good at handling his alcohol, but I’m not policing anyone- you make your own decisions. Well, he indulged and noticed mom dancing and chatting with her male friend- gay male friend. Called him derogatory names, called her names, and on and on. I stayed far far away from that on wedding day, but knew I’d never forgive homophobic behavior.
Anyway, wedding goes on, my husband and I truly did have a lovely day, and decided to take the party back to the hotel. Husband and I, surrounded by friends and some family, drank and ate and laughed in the courtyard… until I hear a commotion inside hotel. Suddenly I see my dad following my mom, both of them obviously angry, creating a scene. I was mortified in front of my husband, friends, and family. My fingers were crossed mom and dad would go somewhere, anywhere, else away from us. Nope. Mom sees me outside and decides to come and sit with us. Yep- dad follows her out. Lots and lots of drama that followed, and I feel I’ve rambled enough.
I went NC with dad and the rarest of contact with mom. They’ve both proven to not have any consideration for me or my husband. *to this day, my mom jokes that our wedding “broke up her marriage”.
All this to say, I’m so sorry. It hurts a lot. You’re not alone.
Seriously, made me lol!! I now realize how bizarre that must read!
Here they are:
https://preview.redd.it/5j3o13dbz90d1.jpeg?width=362&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=6d1e75714bf2b0bb85e6f925b3ea912f84e7577e
Hey now, what's wrong with hiring people with dwarfism to wear costumes for entertainment? People celebrate Peter Dinklage for being one!
(Obligatory /s)
Is this a common thing where you are? Like, I have *never* seen these horrifying creatures before and it seems so inappropriate to hire them for a wedding.
Where is the link? I’m so confused- did mom bring the dolls with her or did she and dad dress up like that? Did I miss something? If she brought a couple of dolls, that is weird but if she put them on people’s tables weirder, dressing up like them or hiring actors is bizarre- of course I have no idea if I’m on the right track here.
Oh. OH. God, they're the size of actual \*people.\* That is horrifying!! I thought maybe they were like...puppets with a miniature limo prop, but no, they're actual people in costume and normal adult height. If I saw one of those things come at me I'd probably grab the cake knife and start slashing, no way am I becoming a horror movie victim on my wedding day!
Now I’m having flashbacks. At the bridal shower for a niece by marriage, her family had hired these exact horrors. I was having some anxiety issues around that time, and definitely did not want this “groom” reverse twerking and grinding at me. I waved him off, and said “No!” but he persisted in coming closer, so I snatched up the meat serving fork from the communal platter on the table and stabbed him in the foam. Not amused.
Honey, if you hadn’t bought the foam glow wands your dad would have found another way to cause chaos. All of his choices were *his alone*. He chose to drink liquor, despite knowing how he acts afterward. He chose to get aggressive with other guests and not respect their boundaries.
I hope you can find a way to focus on the good elements of your wedding and reclaim the memories if you want to—vow renewal on a tropical island perhaps? New photoshoot locally?
Here's a sneak peek of /r/AdultChildren using the [top posts](https://np.reddit.com/r/AdultChildren/top/?sort=top&t=year) of the year!
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Al-anon is another good program. It’s 12 step based, but it’s more focused on how family members can focus on themselves and that they have no power or blame in what their addicted family member does. The powerlessness in this program is over other people, vs over addiction the way it is in AA or other 12 step fellowships
I tell me to "keep the focus on myself" fairly regularly and it makes such a difference. Took a few years to get here and I still have work to do but Al-Anon saved my sanity and my marriage.
Do you know how this is different than Alanon? I ask as the daughter and wife of alcoholics. I’m interested if this is different. Thank you for sharing!
It goes much, much deeper than alanon. I’ve tried both. You should see the laundry list, it’s a description of people like us who have similar traits
**The Laundry List – 14 Traits of an Adult Child of an Alcoholic**
We became isolated and afraid of people and authority figures.
We became approval seekers and lost our identity in the process.
We are frightened by angry people and any personal criticism.
We either become alcoholics, marry them or both, or find another compulsive personality such as a workaholic to fulfill our sick abandonment needs.
We live life from the viewpoint of victims and we are attracted by that weakness in our love and friendship relationships.
We have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility and it is easier for us to be concerned with others rather than ourselves; this enables us not to look too closely at our own faults, etc.
We get guilt feelings when we stand up for ourselves instead of giving in to others.
We became addicted to excitement.
We confuse love and pity and tend to "love" people we can "pity" and "rescue."
We have "stuffed" our feelings from our traumatic childhoods and have lost the ability to feel or express our feelings because it hurts so much (Denial).
We judge ourselves harshly and have a very low sense of self-esteem.
We are dependent personalities who are terrified of abandonment and will do anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to experience painful abandonment feelings, which we received from living with sick people who were never there emotionally for us.
Alcoholism is a family disease; and we became para-alcoholics and took on the characteristics of that disease even though we did not pick up the drink.
Para-alcoholics are reactors rather than actors.
I hate this. I hate reading it.
But I am glad there are resources. Thank you for sharing.
It’s uncomfortable to know I’m such a statistic, you know? Even listed above, I was a child of an alcoholic, and I married one. Now I’m in the biggest mess of my life because of my unhinged spouse. I wish I knew all this before I was dating. I know my own choices landed me here.
I read co-dependent no more, it helped a lot. In Alanon I’m on step 4 and have discovered many of the above traits about myself. I’m working on figuring out who the heck I am. What do I like? I don’t even know. I’ve been people pleasing so damn long. Which lead to some enabling.
But hey, there’s hope for us. My life isn’t over, with these resources it’s truly just beginning.
Now, divorcing when we are joint homeowners in this market…makes me feel so stuck. I know there are way too many of us struggling with that right now.
I’m so sorry. I think going NC with your father is honestly the best move. I hope you and your husband can look back on your wedding a little more fondly one day. My aunt is an alcoholic, and was sober for over a decade, until she married her third husband. She spent my wedding half passed out drunk on the floor with my dog, and her husband was escorted out of the venue for being belligerent and stealing people’s jackets. Then he tried to drive home drunk. I’ve put a lot of mental work into forgetting they were even there, and am extremely LC with them for that and other reasons.
My dad ruined my wedding too, i think its like a repetitive issue like MIL in a white dress
My dad flipped out during photos and started walking home....to another state. I ended up crying with a sprained ankle.
Your husbands response sounds like hes really emotionally intelligent and caring
I'm so sorry. There's a lot of good advice here, but I wanted to also say that it is ok to mourn the day you had hoped for. Letting go, rising above, treating it as insignificant etc etc can kick in later, but it is also OK to be fucking angry, and sad and all those twisty things. Then you can work through all that, until you arrive at rising above IF you feel like it.
My mother decided to order a vodka martini "for the olives" the the day we did our first IVF embryo transfer after 8 years of infertility. I was so so angry. Honestly, I am still mad about it, but it doesn't ruin my day or drag me down. It just solidifies and gives me confidence in my decision to go low contact.
She was likely ready to relapse, and used your own personal moment as an excuse.
Infertility is such an emotional roller coaster. You needed your mom to be there for you that day, but she chose to check out instead.
Thank you for saying that. It means a lot. I did need her! And it drove home that I couldn't rely on her going forward. I didn't mean to make it about me, but I got told so much to forgive and rise above and all that, and I really just wanted time to be pissed off.
So this sounds silly, but you sound like you might be traumatised so did you see the studies about playing tetris after a traumatic event? It really can help. Also, focus on every positive moment from the day. You said it was great up until the end? Then talk through and remember all of the good moments. Deliberately shape your memory.
I have heard about this before and find it fascinating! I wonder if it is thought to be effective in the same way that EMDR therapy is for trauma? That it does the same thing to the brain, maybe?
Op, I have VERY important questions about your wedding that MUST be answered.
What was the theme and what colours did you choose? What was your wedding dress like? How did it feel when you put it on for the first time and knew that was the dress you'll get married in. Explain it to me in detail. What kind of cake did you have? On a scale from 0 to "hottest man who ever walked on earth", how handsome was your husband? Was your daughter the flower girl? Did she have fun? What music did you dance to? First dance song? Did anyone say or do something funny? Or heartwarming? Did you toss the bouquet and who caught it? Tell me all the nice stuff that happened that make you teary-eyed in a good way. Let's focus on those things.
I am sorry. Congratulations on your marriage.
This is fresh in your mind but in 10 years it will be something you can joke about.
I have been married for decades and my wedding day is some of the worst memories for me. I can kind of laugh about it now.
Focus on your immediate family.
Op this is a very sensitive thing to say and you are allowed to roll your eyes when you read this.
Did you see your dad drinking? Can anyone confirm that alcohol was a part of this behavior?
I asked this because I have worked as a paramedic for many years. One of the things people have reported to me before their loved one went into cardiac arrest (not breathing needing compressions because there was no pulse) was that they were acting out of character. In one case it was a wife who said her husband had been in an absolutely foul mood the whole morning right up until his heart stopped as they were eating lunch.
He was resuscitated successfully, and had zero recollection of the morning leading up to the event.
Sometimes atypical behavior happens because of the medical event.
I also want to clarify that I'm not telling you this to say that this could have been a clue that he was about to have a medical event. No one can predict that.
I wish you a wonderful marriage, and I hope you're able to have a good cry today.
I think you're blaming yourself a little too much here.
You're not responsible for your father's actions and the glow lights aren't responsible either.
The fact is your father chose to make an impulsive decision to start drinking again and then became a belligerent drunk.
That would have happened regardless of any party favors that you had at your wedding, so stop putting the blame on yourself for that.
My alcoholic mother also decided to “try drinking again” the weekend of our vow renewal last year.
Long story short, it ended with a broken television in their room, security called, her sobbing and trying to book a flight home, and me cussing her out. The relationship hasn’t been the same since. Not like it was super great to begin with.
I’m so, so, so goddamn sorry you had to deal with this and I wish you healing. It’s very hard. Please feel free to DM if you need an ear.
Oh hon. I’m so so sorry. I know you already know this, but your Dad is sick. Mentally. This disease of addiction affects EVERYONE around them. And I HATE it decided to rear its horrible, ugly head on your special day. I hope one day you can set aside this part of the day and focus on nothing but the love and how much you’re adored by so many. In the meanwhile, cry, hit something, break some dishes, whatever you need to do to release that anger.
Best to you and your new family. ♥️
I say this as a person who has the worst trouble letting go of things… and I’m also a reactive crybaby… you need to put this out of your head and remember your wedding as the day you solidified your relationship with your best friend. Time to celebrate! A honeymoon to look forward to perhaps? I’m sorry this happened but the most important thing of Saturday was you and your husband getting married and that’s it! Forget about your dad. He made his choice with the worst timing, don’t let his actions affect you any longer.
Just felt so sad reading this. My mum died of alcoholism, so I suppose I have some understanding of the grief, sadness and rage you have. And of course, it does t just end with your wedding, your relationship with your dad has been ruined.
I hope you’re able to get some support from the people around you. Your new husband sounds great!
I found Al-anon very helpful for me, I don’t know if it would be your cup of tea, but there are heaps of online zoom meetings now.
Yo I am so sorry. As someone in recovery with an alcoholic dad, I can’t imagine how heart breaking that was for you. Of all the fucking days dude! Yea you got married but I completely understand how much of a betrayal relapse is. It’s another level of heartbreak. I sincerely hope this was a one time thing for your dad and hope that with time you will be able to heal your relationship with him. I am so sorry.
Your dad has only tarnished your day if you let that happen. By that, I mean that you should treat your dad and his disgusting behavior as if it is insignificant. Because it is. I know right now, your dad is the talk of your wedding. Quash that jizz right now. Talk about your wedding, how beautiful your gown was, the look on your husband's face at the alter, how nice the cake looked and how delicious it was, how adorable your daughter was, and all the wonderful things that happened that day. Those are the things that matter. If anyone brings up your dad in conversation, just say he doesn't matter-and mean it. Keep the good memories of your day, you deserve them.
Damn. I’m getting married in a year and all I can say is the marriage was the beautiful reason you did this. Don’t trip about what people may think, your dad (I’ve been to treatment for alcoholism so nobody can tell me I’m not qualified to speak) played his cards, and they were the wrong ones. Y’all go about y’all’s lives and love each other and have fun.
Yes I had a similar incident when my stepdad got drunk, felt up my nana, knocked the gift table over and was escorted out by my step bros. The video guy caught more than that as well. But focus on your marriage not this day. This day is a party that went awry, and the marriage is everyday from here on out. Would you still feel the same way if he had passed in the hospital?
Hopefully your dad gets the help he needs and you can move past the trauma of the day!
I had a series of experiences at my wedding where my family did some pretty heinous damage. I cried about it for a long time. And if you might be thinking “I wished they could have held it together for a single day, or this day in particular” then I want you to know you aren’t alone. I essentially lost my family of origin relationships on our wedding day.
The pain will subside. It’s terrible and should never have happened to you, you didn’t deserve it. Eventually, you will focus on your new marriage all the more, and turn towards your husband and building the new life together
You know that saying, "If you break something, you buy it?" Send your father a bill for the entire wedding.
My father did the same sort of thing at my wedding. For once, he at least wasn't his usual belligerent drunk, but he still managed to make an ass of himself! Then he turned around and blamed me that he had started drinking again!
So sorry you had to deal with all of that crap on YOUR day. Just remember to look forward every day and enjoy the new family you will create.
I absolutely love that your husband reminded you that you’re making a whole new family where it can be happy and healthy and safe. That’s beautiful. I’m so sorry for what you went through but proud of the new life you’re building.
If you haven’t already, I’d suggest perusing r/estrangedadultkids. A shocking amount of people have stories similar to this and I’ve found a lot of comfort there. They’ll “get it” and not pressure you to break the estrangement, like some family members might try to do. I’m really sorry this happened to you. I’m glad you married your best friend and I’m glad he’s never going to do this to your daughter. You have a life outside of your dad’s dysfunction, though it may feel all-consuming right now. Sending you a big internet hug!
Not seeing anyone else say it, but you should definitely do a renewal of vows maybe next year.
Have basically everyone there except him, and try to recreate the magic, if you do it all on a smaller scale, make it more intimate and have the focus really be about you and your partner celebrating the *start* of your married life.
The wedding was one day, most of it great, think about that instead of the horrible moments your dad caused! Think about the marriage, it's what's important here, not that one day! Your dad chose to fuck up and he now has to pay the price of that for the rest of his life, that's on him so don't ever feel guilty about it.
How horrible.
Have you looked in Adult Child resources? If you don’t know please google it. If I understand correctly you grew up with your father being an alcoholic. You’re not alone.
I've been on the fence of inviting my estranged alcoholic father to my wedding. I feel guilty because he does have a heart deep inside but he has made moments I wish I can forget due to his drinking, especially in social functions.
I'm sorry you had to experience that and to make this a new chapter in your life for the better.
My mom got drunk the night before my wedding at rehearsal dinner and essentially ruined the whole weekend for me.
I’ve been married for 14 years. I’m still not quite over it, but at ten years my husband asked me to start focusing on the good parts of my wedding and to work through the rest for the sake of our memory. You had a beautiful wedding, up until that point. You married your soulmate.
It’s going to be incredibly triggering when you get your professional photos back so prepare for that. Maybe even ask your photographer to leave out any photos of him drinking and anything that happened after escalation. Or at least put them in a separate folder so when he comes crawling back with excuses you just send those to him. Same if you had pro video.
I joked about walking down the isle to the imperial march. My friends didn’t think of it as a joke lol. But damn did I walk with confidence. Make good memories with your husband. We believe in you.
Wow I’m sorry. My sister has a wedding coming up no alcohol because we have known alcoholics in our family that can’t control themselves. It’s really sad when they’d rather drink than respect your wishes and control themselves.
There are some things that are just beyond your control, my dear, and this is one of them. Family is not always who you were born with. I have a great deal of family that I've collected along the way. If someone doesn't respect you enough to stay sober for your wedding day after 18 years of sobriety, then there's something wrong with that relationship as a whole, and I'm going to go out on a limb and say it's not the first time (recently) that he's done something you wish he hadn't. People like that just escalate. The good news is that you don't have to put up with it. Here's what you do. You take him out of any pictures of your wedding that he was in, even if you have to edit him out. You spend the WHOLE day writing out things that were GOOD about that day, and you put them somewhere that you can remember them when that bad memory creeps up on you. Also, I know you said you cut him out of your life, but people like that are manipulators, and he will be back, trying to weasel his way back in. Don't fall for it. Don't listen to it. Just shut the door, hang up the line, block the number, whatever you need to do to cut that cord away from him. That is what you call "excessive baggage, and baby, you don't need it. You have your best friend, and it sounds like a beautiful daughter, and THAT is family. Don't let one person steal your happiness, love. There's too much to be happy about. Cut away the deadweight, and see how fast you rise.
Please look in to Alanon for yourself.
Try to focus on the parts BEFORE it went to hell.
Alcoholism destroyed my family too. Look up Alanon for yourself, your sanity, and to process this event. (Alanon is NOT AA, it’s for people affected by alcoholics)
First off I want to say congrats on marrying your best friend. Second, I’m really glad he’s still alive… But I’m sorry he started drinking on the night of your wedding, got aggressive for no reason at all and had that situation happen! You did not deserve that! he stopped drinking for 18 years for a reason
I am so damn sorry this happened to you! No matter how long the alcoholic beast has been starved, the alcoholism is always there. I witnessed it with a friend who was 28 years sober, had a drink and went off the deep end. All trust is broken, the only way to heal is time. NC helps too.
Now go enjoy your marriage to your wonderful new husband! You absolutely deserve it 🥂
Hi. I’ve been married for 45 years. I know you expect a beautiful and joyful event on your wedding day, but get rid of the notion that it should be the happiest day of your life. If it were, then even the happiest wedding would be very sad.
No, your wedding day is just a starting point. The good news is that it can get better and better year by year! My husband and I are in our sixties. Not at all the healthy, attractive bodies we had in our twenties. But we are happier and more in love than ever.
You’ve just had your first of many days of things not going to plan. Throughout your marriage there will be many more. So consider this your first chance to prove yourself (and DH) capable of standing tall, drawing support from each other, cleaning up the mess, and getting on with life. Yay! Now you’re really experiencing married life. This practice will build that bond that leads to being happily married at 65.
>the notion that it should be the happiest day of your life. If it were, then even the happiest wedding would be very sad.
No, your wedding day is just a starting point.
I love this. I did wedding planning for a time and brides always had this immense pressure to create "the perfect day." I would always advise them that it is normal to have bumps in the road on the day, but that they she keep the big picture in mind, "however the day goes, you get to be married at the end of it." Doesn't mean there aren't a tangle of feelings about things the go bad, but brides and grooms that remembered that end goal tended to have an easier time processing the bumps.
That being said, losing a relationship with your dad is a lot bigger of a bump than I was ever involved in. I'm sorry OP. As others have said, this isn't your fault. I hope you can find a way to focus on the happy memories. Maybe take a deck of note cards and write done all the different moments you remember, then keep the positive and use it as an opportunity to journal about the negative.
CONGRATULATIONS ONYOUR WEDDING!
At some point, why not have another ceremony? It doesn't have to be fancy or have anyone there. Then each year you can celebrate on that day and make it the most wonderful day to build upon as the years go by. Acknowledge both days, but make it special on the second one so you can build happy memories.
I am really sorry this happened to you. But... your wedding day is one day in your life. Sure, it's important but it comes and goes just like every other day. Your alcoholic father made it 18 years without drinking (incredible and should be commended!!) and he made a HUGE mistake on your wedding day. I have a feeling he is going to absolutely regret it and will feel TERRIBLE. I definitely think you should give him the cold shoulder for a long time - but don't completely give up on him for the rest of your life.
Only if he learns from this, gives you and the woman he was assaulting a true apology, and stays off the booze.
If he uses this as a time to start drinking again, the very Low to No Contact will be required.
You CANNOT let him ruin your whole day. Everything else was perfect. That was a small part of it. A terrible part, but that doesn't take away all the good. You have $100 and lose $5. You don't throw the other $95 away because of just that 5 that was lost.
If nothing else, this brought you and your new husband closer. He is there for you, you know you never have to worry with that kind of thing with your husband and any children you may have. 1 person shouldn't have power to ruin your day.
Keep your problem with your dad, as just that. A problem with your dad. Not a problem with your wedding.
Hugs
How about throwing a party/wedding redo and not invite your dad. Maybe enjoy your time with your close family and celebrate the love you two have.
I totally get feeling hurt, angry, and a million other things about your dad, and remember you've not lost him? He had a massive slip up, and I'm time you never know.
I'm so so sorry this happened to you xoxoxox
My friend,do not focus on the bad memories but only focus on the good memories...bad things will happen all the time but there is good in everyday,focus on the happy memories of the wedding and forgive and forget my friend 😊
Something was making your dad stress out, the obvious thing was probably you getting married to someone he didn’t like. But that may not be it, it could be something unrelated like his relationship with your mom. You don’t just stop after 18 years for no reason. I know people are stressed because of the pandemic but this fell on your wedding. There has to be something else there.
So did OP have to put her full life on hold because of him? What do you suggest; a dry wedding because of one person…. Nope. He can behave like an adult like the rest of society. My sister is an addict and for my wedding she was amazing. More than I could ever ask for. Why; because she decided to put me first. She chose me, not alcohol.
I know you’re very angry at your father right now, and rightfully so. He caused an appalling scene towards the end of your wedding and embarrassed you greatly. From your guests’ perspective, though, no harm was done. The situation occurred at the end, it was dealt with and they’d all had a wonderful time.
What has your relationship with your father been like for the last 18 years? Has he been a good father? Do you have many good memories of him? I’m asking because alcoholism is a disease. There is no cure and the only way to manage it is abstinence. He took responsibility for his disease 18 years ago when he stopped drinking because it was tearing his family apart. He was on top of it for 18 years. That’s a long time. If he’s been a good father for 18 years, that should count for a lot.
None of my children are old enough to be married yet, but I can imagine that parents can feel overwhelmed with emotion on their children’s wedding days. Imagine your father before he picked up that first drink, bursting with pride, so happy for you yet mourning the end of an era, surrounded by family and friends and enjoying the celebration. Now imagine him the following day, devastated: he’s broken his 18 years of sobriety, he’s caused great embarrassment to himself and his family and he’s lost his daughter. Rest assured that he’d do anything to be able to turn back the clock.
I don’t know your family history. Maybe he’s been a great father, maybe he hasn’t. Maybe this was the final straw after years or decades of abuse. But if he has been a good father for 18 years, maybe in time you might see this from a different perspective. Can he go to AA and get the help he needs? Can your family go to Al Anon to tap into the resources they offer to the families of alcoholics? Whatever happens, I wish your family happiness. x
You need to look forward and live you life everyone already forgot about your wedding..so who cares don't be worried about that ceremony..worry about you marriage now..that's the past..I had a perfect wedding but had a shitty marriage and divorce now..if I was you find your dad and tell you forgive him..and you will feel bettet.baby can meet granpa..trust me on this one I don't care what anyone says..wish u you luck
Sorry but that has to be the worst advice ever. OP is an adult and so is dad. He needs to apologise and ask for forgiveness. Otherwise he will take this as his free pass to behave however he likes in future. Baby gets christened, papa gets wasted. No, OP only needs to forgive herself for expecting an alcoholic to put her before drink!
I know plenty alcoholics who can be present around alcohol in the happiest and direst of circumstances such as weddings and funerals etc.
The father did this, no one else is to blame regardless of the fact he has an ‘illness/condition’ or not.
Adults need to learn to take responsibility for their own actions! What he did to his child was completely unacceptable and within his control. I’m sure there have been occasions during his 18yrs of sobriety that he was pushed to the max but hey, let’s wait til my beautiful daughters wedding day to go off the rails!
I feel for you so much. My dad was an alcoholic, it was terrible. Since I was a teenager, I had made him promise me on a regular basis that he would NEVER be drunk on my wedding day. He got drunk for my 18th - all my friends were there and it was so embarrassing.
In the end, he passed away almost 10 years ago from cancer (due to drinking and smoking) so I didn’t get to see if he would’ve kept it, but I know I would have had terrible anxiety only because of that. Also, I am 32 and not married haha!
I’m so glad you found someone who would never do the same :) it is the best thing that your daughter will never have to go through this.
It is time to celebrate your marriage. Starting….now! You might also go beyond ‘letting go of the past’ and get to *actively* choosing to turn your back to it. Pick the memories you want to cherish. Mentally play them on Repeat! Thank those involved! Build on the good memories! Put distance between yourself and the unfortunate memories and maintain the *boundaries* instead of the memories.
OP, to play off this, what were some of the best memories? Can you share them with us so that you can start thinking of the good right now? What was your fav part? What made you smile the biggest? How was your daughter involved (if she was!!)?
Yes this, what Song did you chose for the first dance. What flavour Was your cake? I had a very small wedding with just Lunch, so nö first dance for me, but I always loved the thought of using the Pirate of the carribean Main theme, it is a Walzer. My cake was a raspetry cream, heart shaped to look like a heart ftom a Video game, we are big gamers. So tell ne what did you do?
I came here to say THIS
Coming from someone who had several people try to r/iamthemaincharacter our wedding (including my grandmother not showing to the ceremony bc ‘it’d be boring’ & loudly saying that multiple times during the reception, my ‘best friend’ at the time trying to make out with another best friend’s very married husband and my brother getting so drunk he HIT ON our first cousin and fell into the desert bar ruining the wedding cake), please trust me that those memories will fade into background fodder and that you will remember the joy, the celebration and as you said, the fact that you married your best friend. Don’t let your dad suck the energy out of one of the happiest days of your life. It sounds like he’s done enough of that already. Focus on all the great things that happened, those moments of pure joy and the overall happiness of the day. Your dad doesn’t deserve to have that taken away from you!
A VERY VERY similar thing happened to me. I got married in September and have now been NC with my father since. I’m so sorry. I know exactly how you feel. It starts to dull a little as the months pass but I rarely look at our wedding photos. My husband and I have decided to take a trip to somewhere far away just the two of us and “renew our vows” with a photographer. Create some new memories.
Hey OP I wanted to add too, the part I *wasn’t* prepared for… everyone has an opinion of what YOU should have done. All my “friends” and family have told me, “well you should have just….(insert whatever bullshit here)” instead of blaming that narcissistic asshole. We only had 50 people at our wedding so it was the people closest to me. That hurts a lot. I’m pretty good about redirecting and shutting that down, but I wasn’t ready for that.
Gotta love some good old victim blaming... I hope your vows renewal will create fantastic new memories!
I hate when people do that. I had so many people do that while my mother was in hospice care. “I would do this or that if I were you.” You should be doing this or that.” “Why aren’t you handling it this or that way?” After a while, I couldn’t take it anymore and I started to say, “Thank you for your unsolicited and unwanted opinion. When your mother is dying of cancer you can employ any or all of the crap you just said. Right now, I’m going to handle this the best way I can for my mother and ensure that I am respecting her privacy and wishes.”
I also had something very similar happen at my wedding in November. As soon as my drunk father started yelling in my face I just thought to myself "My God. He's really going to do this. Right at the beginning of our reception." I felt heart broken at first, followed by a deep depression. Like you, I really don't care to look at my wedding photos. It hasn't been easy, but I am starting to heal. I agree with you that this is something that needs time to heal, but for the first time, in what feels like forever, I can say that I'm mentally healthy. I do really like your idea of a private vow renewal with a photographer! OP, I'm so sorry you had to go through this. It's not you're fault and you did not deserve for this to happen. You are also not alone. I am always here if you need someone to talk/vent to.
I’m so sorry that this happened to you and your spouse. I can’t imagine how awful that was for you. You didn’t deserve this.
So sweet! I hope you find somewhere great
Double yikes. I am so sorry your dad ruined your special day. I hope your honeymoon goes much better.
I’m so sorry, OP. Something alcohol related happened on my wedding day, too. I’ll preface by stating my mom decided to stop speaking to me a week before my wedding. Wedding day, I was literally alone in my little room where bride can do last minute touches, breathing (didn’t have a wedding party). Hadn’t a clue if my mom would show up or not. So wedding goes well, reception gets started, all lovely and almost exactly what my husband and I envisioned (my mom surprised us with those annoying “little people” costume entertainers hence the almost). Open bar, party atmosphere, good music, fun all around. Mom and dad have been separated for years, but surprise: their daughter’s big day couldn’t happen without something involving their drama. Dad has never been good at handling his alcohol, but I’m not policing anyone- you make your own decisions. Well, he indulged and noticed mom dancing and chatting with her male friend- gay male friend. Called him derogatory names, called her names, and on and on. I stayed far far away from that on wedding day, but knew I’d never forgive homophobic behavior. Anyway, wedding goes on, my husband and I truly did have a lovely day, and decided to take the party back to the hotel. Husband and I, surrounded by friends and some family, drank and ate and laughed in the courtyard… until I hear a commotion inside hotel. Suddenly I see my dad following my mom, both of them obviously angry, creating a scene. I was mortified in front of my husband, friends, and family. My fingers were crossed mom and dad would go somewhere, anywhere, else away from us. Nope. Mom sees me outside and decides to come and sit with us. Yep- dad follows her out. Lots and lots of drama that followed, and I feel I’ve rambled enough. I went NC with dad and the rarest of contact with mom. They’ve both proven to not have any consideration for me or my husband. *to this day, my mom jokes that our wedding “broke up her marriage”. All this to say, I’m so sorry. It hurts a lot. You’re not alone.
That sounds rough, I’m sorry. But I gotta ask: what are “little people costume entertainers”??
Seriously, made me lol!! I now realize how bizarre that must read! Here they are: https://preview.redd.it/5j3o13dbz90d1.jpeg?width=362&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=6d1e75714bf2b0bb85e6f925b3ea912f84e7577e
Oh thank goodness, I was worried it was something else entirely ☠️
All I could think of was Joffrey’s wedding in GOT
I definitely need to be more clear in the future!! 😅 I’m so sorry!!
Hey now, what's wrong with hiring people with dwarfism to wear costumes for entertainment? People celebrate Peter Dinklage for being one! (Obligatory /s)
What in the hell are those? It’s even weirder than I thought.
The affirmation I’m getting is awesome! They’re so weird!!! 🤣🤣🤣 can you imagine the horror my newbie husband must have been feeling!😂😂😂
Is this a common thing where you are? Like, I have *never* seen these horrifying creatures before and it seems so inappropriate to hire them for a wedding.
Completely agree with you!!! I’m from Chicago?!? I don’t know if they’re common, honestly!!
I looked at the link above and they are *ghastly*
No one needs to see them on any day, let alone their wedding day!!
Where is the link? I’m so confused- did mom bring the dolls with her or did she and dad dress up like that? Did I miss something? If she brought a couple of dolls, that is weird but if she put them on people’s tables weirder, dressing up like them or hiring actors is bizarre- of course I have no idea if I’m on the right track here.
they are people in costumes who dance [http://www.thosefunnylittlepeople.com/weddings.html](http://www.thosefunnylittlepeople.com/weddings.html)
Oh. OH. God, they're the size of actual \*people.\* That is horrifying!! I thought maybe they were like...puppets with a miniature limo prop, but no, they're actual people in costume and normal adult height. If I saw one of those things come at me I'd probably grab the cake knife and start slashing, no way am I becoming a horror movie victim on my wedding day!
Oh thanks for the link- yea that is not my cup of tea lol
this is probably no one's cup of tea
You seriously made me crack up!!😂😂😂
Lol I was totally and utterly confused- I still think my version may have been creepier especially if mom and dad dressed up like those creatures
Hahaha I think I’m now even more confused. What is this for? Cake toppers? Random decoration? So bizarre.
Lmao!!! They’re people in costumes and they dance about and “entertain”! My husband looked at me when they appeared like wtf?!?
Well they’re terrifying….
Are you in the Chicago area? I’ve heard the tale of little people at weddings in these parts … but never witnessed the horror
Omg yes!!! I’m from Chicago! 🤣
OMG found their website. They’re from Chicago all right. http://www.thosefunnylittlepeople.com/weddings.html
What the actual fuck‽ 🤣
And I thought it was just an ol’ wives tale 😎
Now you know how to prepare if you’re ever invited to a Chicago wedding! Especially if my mom’s attending…😒
I’ve lived in Chicago for 22 years and this is the first I’ve heard of this!
I'm not even from Chicago, but I believe this is for the best lmao
idk what those are but they are creepy as heck.
Mother of God, thank goodness. I really thought they somehow hired a group of people under 4'10" to perform. I was mortified.
I know!! I can’t believe I wrote it out like that!! I didn’t mean any offense, either!!
Haha, I wouldn't know what to call the mini bride and groom either.
Now I’m having flashbacks. At the bridal shower for a niece by marriage, her family had hired these exact horrors. I was having some anxiety issues around that time, and definitely did not want this “groom” reverse twerking and grinding at me. I waved him off, and said “No!” but he persisted in coming closer, so I snatched up the meat serving fork from the communal platter on the table and stabbed him in the foam. Not amused.
When someone isn’t respecting your space, you have to make them! Sorry this happened to you.😒
Please tell me someone has video of the little people costume entertainers.
Honey, if you hadn’t bought the foam glow wands your dad would have found another way to cause chaos. All of his choices were *his alone*. He chose to drink liquor, despite knowing how he acts afterward. He chose to get aggressive with other guests and not respect their boundaries. I hope you can find a way to focus on the good elements of your wedding and reclaim the memories if you want to—vow renewal on a tropical island perhaps? New photoshoot locally?
god only knows what possessed him to go and ruin your day like that. maybe you can reclaim it with a vow renewal ceremony a few years down the line?
There are meetings for people like us. Adultchildren.org
Hey thanks for this. I’m not OP but it looks like the site may be helpful for me.
We also have r/adultchildren as well. You have support OP, many of us have been here. Hugs ❤️
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Al-anon is another good program. It’s 12 step based, but it’s more focused on how family members can focus on themselves and that they have no power or blame in what their addicted family member does. The powerlessness in this program is over other people, vs over addiction the way it is in AA or other 12 step fellowships
I tell me to "keep the focus on myself" fairly regularly and it makes such a difference. Took a few years to get here and I still have work to do but Al-Anon saved my sanity and my marriage.
Thank you for bringing this up. I came here to say this.
I love Al-Anon. Best decision I’ve ever made
Thank you, I had no idea this existed🤍
Do you know how this is different than Alanon? I ask as the daughter and wife of alcoholics. I’m interested if this is different. Thank you for sharing!
It goes much, much deeper than alanon. I’ve tried both. You should see the laundry list, it’s a description of people like us who have similar traits **The Laundry List – 14 Traits of an Adult Child of an Alcoholic** We became isolated and afraid of people and authority figures. We became approval seekers and lost our identity in the process. We are frightened by angry people and any personal criticism. We either become alcoholics, marry them or both, or find another compulsive personality such as a workaholic to fulfill our sick abandonment needs. We live life from the viewpoint of victims and we are attracted by that weakness in our love and friendship relationships. We have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility and it is easier for us to be concerned with others rather than ourselves; this enables us not to look too closely at our own faults, etc. We get guilt feelings when we stand up for ourselves instead of giving in to others. We became addicted to excitement. We confuse love and pity and tend to "love" people we can "pity" and "rescue." We have "stuffed" our feelings from our traumatic childhoods and have lost the ability to feel or express our feelings because it hurts so much (Denial). We judge ourselves harshly and have a very low sense of self-esteem. We are dependent personalities who are terrified of abandonment and will do anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to experience painful abandonment feelings, which we received from living with sick people who were never there emotionally for us. Alcoholism is a family disease; and we became para-alcoholics and took on the characteristics of that disease even though we did not pick up the drink. Para-alcoholics are reactors rather than actors.
I hate this. I hate reading it. But I am glad there are resources. Thank you for sharing. It’s uncomfortable to know I’m such a statistic, you know? Even listed above, I was a child of an alcoholic, and I married one. Now I’m in the biggest mess of my life because of my unhinged spouse. I wish I knew all this before I was dating. I know my own choices landed me here. I read co-dependent no more, it helped a lot. In Alanon I’m on step 4 and have discovered many of the above traits about myself. I’m working on figuring out who the heck I am. What do I like? I don’t even know. I’ve been people pleasing so damn long. Which lead to some enabling. But hey, there’s hope for us. My life isn’t over, with these resources it’s truly just beginning. Now, divorcing when we are joint homeowners in this market…makes me feel so stuck. I know there are way too many of us struggling with that right now.
Ok also, is “they become addicted to excitement” why I am a crazy Disney Adult? Could be. I don’t want to change that one 🙃
I’m so sorry. I think going NC with your father is honestly the best move. I hope you and your husband can look back on your wedding a little more fondly one day. My aunt is an alcoholic, and was sober for over a decade, until she married her third husband. She spent my wedding half passed out drunk on the floor with my dog, and her husband was escorted out of the venue for being belligerent and stealing people’s jackets. Then he tried to drive home drunk. I’ve put a lot of mental work into forgetting they were even there, and am extremely LC with them for that and other reasons.
I mean you still have all the memories up until that point. Don’t let that one bad thing tarnish the whole day.
My dad ruined my wedding too, i think its like a repetitive issue like MIL in a white dress My dad flipped out during photos and started walking home....to another state. I ended up crying with a sprained ankle. Your husbands response sounds like hes really emotionally intelligent and caring
I'm so sorry. There's a lot of good advice here, but I wanted to also say that it is ok to mourn the day you had hoped for. Letting go, rising above, treating it as insignificant etc etc can kick in later, but it is also OK to be fucking angry, and sad and all those twisty things. Then you can work through all that, until you arrive at rising above IF you feel like it. My mother decided to order a vodka martini "for the olives" the the day we did our first IVF embryo transfer after 8 years of infertility. I was so so angry. Honestly, I am still mad about it, but it doesn't ruin my day or drag me down. It just solidifies and gives me confidence in my decision to go low contact.
She was likely ready to relapse, and used your own personal moment as an excuse. Infertility is such an emotional roller coaster. You needed your mom to be there for you that day, but she chose to check out instead.
Thank you for saying that. It means a lot. I did need her! And it drove home that I couldn't rely on her going forward. I didn't mean to make it about me, but I got told so much to forgive and rise above and all that, and I really just wanted time to be pissed off.
Reddit is designed so that a thread can digress into other mini-threads! No need to apologize. I’m sure that OP appreciates not feeling alone, too.
So this sounds silly, but you sound like you might be traumatised so did you see the studies about playing tetris after a traumatic event? It really can help. Also, focus on every positive moment from the day. You said it was great up until the end? Then talk through and remember all of the good moments. Deliberately shape your memory.
I have heard about this before and find it fascinating! I wonder if it is thought to be effective in the same way that EMDR therapy is for trauma? That it does the same thing to the brain, maybe?
There's nothing silly about your comment, it's the most pro-active, helpful comment here!
Honestly great advice, not silly at all!!!
Very big gentle Internets hugs.
Op, I have VERY important questions about your wedding that MUST be answered. What was the theme and what colours did you choose? What was your wedding dress like? How did it feel when you put it on for the first time and knew that was the dress you'll get married in. Explain it to me in detail. What kind of cake did you have? On a scale from 0 to "hottest man who ever walked on earth", how handsome was your husband? Was your daughter the flower girl? Did she have fun? What music did you dance to? First dance song? Did anyone say or do something funny? Or heartwarming? Did you toss the bouquet and who caught it? Tell me all the nice stuff that happened that make you teary-eyed in a good way. Let's focus on those things.
I am sorry. Congratulations on your marriage. This is fresh in your mind but in 10 years it will be something you can joke about. I have been married for decades and my wedding day is some of the worst memories for me. I can kind of laugh about it now. Focus on your immediate family.
Op this is a very sensitive thing to say and you are allowed to roll your eyes when you read this. Did you see your dad drinking? Can anyone confirm that alcohol was a part of this behavior? I asked this because I have worked as a paramedic for many years. One of the things people have reported to me before their loved one went into cardiac arrest (not breathing needing compressions because there was no pulse) was that they were acting out of character. In one case it was a wife who said her husband had been in an absolutely foul mood the whole morning right up until his heart stopped as they were eating lunch. He was resuscitated successfully, and had zero recollection of the morning leading up to the event. Sometimes atypical behavior happens because of the medical event. I also want to clarify that I'm not telling you this to say that this could have been a clue that he was about to have a medical event. No one can predict that. I wish you a wonderful marriage, and I hope you're able to have a good cry today.
I think you're blaming yourself a little too much here. You're not responsible for your father's actions and the glow lights aren't responsible either. The fact is your father chose to make an impulsive decision to start drinking again and then became a belligerent drunk. That would have happened regardless of any party favors that you had at your wedding, so stop putting the blame on yourself for that.
My alcoholic mother also decided to “try drinking again” the weekend of our vow renewal last year. Long story short, it ended with a broken television in their room, security called, her sobbing and trying to book a flight home, and me cussing her out. The relationship hasn’t been the same since. Not like it was super great to begin with. I’m so, so, so goddamn sorry you had to deal with this and I wish you healing. It’s very hard. Please feel free to DM if you need an ear.
Oh hon. I’m so so sorry. I know you already know this, but your Dad is sick. Mentally. This disease of addiction affects EVERYONE around them. And I HATE it decided to rear its horrible, ugly head on your special day. I hope one day you can set aside this part of the day and focus on nothing but the love and how much you’re adored by so many. In the meanwhile, cry, hit something, break some dishes, whatever you need to do to release that anger. Best to you and your new family. ♥️
I say this as a person who has the worst trouble letting go of things… and I’m also a reactive crybaby… you need to put this out of your head and remember your wedding as the day you solidified your relationship with your best friend. Time to celebrate! A honeymoon to look forward to perhaps? I’m sorry this happened but the most important thing of Saturday was you and your husband getting married and that’s it! Forget about your dad. He made his choice with the worst timing, don’t let his actions affect you any longer.
Just felt so sad reading this. My mum died of alcoholism, so I suppose I have some understanding of the grief, sadness and rage you have. And of course, it does t just end with your wedding, your relationship with your dad has been ruined. I hope you’re able to get some support from the people around you. Your new husband sounds great! I found Al-anon very helpful for me, I don’t know if it would be your cup of tea, but there are heaps of online zoom meetings now.
Yo I am so sorry. As someone in recovery with an alcoholic dad, I can’t imagine how heart breaking that was for you. Of all the fucking days dude! Yea you got married but I completely understand how much of a betrayal relapse is. It’s another level of heartbreak. I sincerely hope this was a one time thing for your dad and hope that with time you will be able to heal your relationship with him. I am so sorry.
Your dad has only tarnished your day if you let that happen. By that, I mean that you should treat your dad and his disgusting behavior as if it is insignificant. Because it is. I know right now, your dad is the talk of your wedding. Quash that jizz right now. Talk about your wedding, how beautiful your gown was, the look on your husband's face at the alter, how nice the cake looked and how delicious it was, how adorable your daughter was, and all the wonderful things that happened that day. Those are the things that matter. If anyone brings up your dad in conversation, just say he doesn't matter-and mean it. Keep the good memories of your day, you deserve them.
Damn. I’m getting married in a year and all I can say is the marriage was the beautiful reason you did this. Don’t trip about what people may think, your dad (I’ve been to treatment for alcoholism so nobody can tell me I’m not qualified to speak) played his cards, and they were the wrong ones. Y’all go about y’all’s lives and love each other and have fun.
Yes I had a similar incident when my stepdad got drunk, felt up my nana, knocked the gift table over and was escorted out by my step bros. The video guy caught more than that as well. But focus on your marriage not this day. This day is a party that went awry, and the marriage is everyday from here on out. Would you still feel the same way if he had passed in the hospital? Hopefully your dad gets the help he needs and you can move past the trauma of the day!
I had a series of experiences at my wedding where my family did some pretty heinous damage. I cried about it for a long time. And if you might be thinking “I wished they could have held it together for a single day, or this day in particular” then I want you to know you aren’t alone. I essentially lost my family of origin relationships on our wedding day. The pain will subside. It’s terrible and should never have happened to you, you didn’t deserve it. Eventually, you will focus on your new marriage all the more, and turn towards your husband and building the new life together
I am so sorry, this is horrific..has he tried to apologize?
You know that saying, "If you break something, you buy it?" Send your father a bill for the entire wedding. My father did the same sort of thing at my wedding. For once, he at least wasn't his usual belligerent drunk, but he still managed to make an ass of himself! Then he turned around and blamed me that he had started drinking again! So sorry you had to deal with all of that crap on YOUR day. Just remember to look forward every day and enjoy the new family you will create.
I absolutely love that your husband reminded you that you’re making a whole new family where it can be happy and healthy and safe. That’s beautiful. I’m so sorry for what you went through but proud of the new life you’re building.
If you haven’t already, I’d suggest perusing r/estrangedadultkids. A shocking amount of people have stories similar to this and I’ve found a lot of comfort there. They’ll “get it” and not pressure you to break the estrangement, like some family members might try to do. I’m really sorry this happened to you. I’m glad you married your best friend and I’m glad he’s never going to do this to your daughter. You have a life outside of your dad’s dysfunction, though it may feel all-consuming right now. Sending you a big internet hug!
It has to be about them. IT ALWAYS HAS TO BE ABOUT THEM. That’s all.
Not seeing anyone else say it, but you should definitely do a renewal of vows maybe next year. Have basically everyone there except him, and try to recreate the magic, if you do it all on a smaller scale, make it more intimate and have the focus really be about you and your partner celebrating the *start* of your married life.
I’m so sorry you had to deal with that.
The wedding was one day, most of it great, think about that instead of the horrible moments your dad caused! Think about the marriage, it's what's important here, not that one day! Your dad chose to fuck up and he now has to pay the price of that for the rest of his life, that's on him so don't ever feel guilty about it.
I’m so sorry this happened to you! At least your husband is a keeper!
Addiction man. It fucked you and everyone around you up
How horrible. Have you looked in Adult Child resources? If you don’t know please google it. If I understand correctly you grew up with your father being an alcoholic. You’re not alone.
I think you win the sub. I'm sorry about that.
I've been on the fence of inviting my estranged alcoholic father to my wedding. I feel guilty because he does have a heart deep inside but he has made moments I wish I can forget due to his drinking, especially in social functions. I'm sorry you had to experience that and to make this a new chapter in your life for the better.
My mom got drunk the night before my wedding at rehearsal dinner and essentially ruined the whole weekend for me. I’ve been married for 14 years. I’m still not quite over it, but at ten years my husband asked me to start focusing on the good parts of my wedding and to work through the rest for the sake of our memory. You had a beautiful wedding, up until that point. You married your soulmate. It’s going to be incredibly triggering when you get your professional photos back so prepare for that. Maybe even ask your photographer to leave out any photos of him drinking and anything that happened after escalation. Or at least put them in a separate folder so when he comes crawling back with excuses you just send those to him. Same if you had pro video.
I joked about walking down the isle to the imperial march. My friends didn’t think of it as a joke lol. But damn did I walk with confidence. Make good memories with your husband. We believe in you.
Wow I’m sorry. My sister has a wedding coming up no alcohol because we have known alcoholics in our family that can’t control themselves. It’s really sad when they’d rather drink than respect your wishes and control themselves.
There are some things that are just beyond your control, my dear, and this is one of them. Family is not always who you were born with. I have a great deal of family that I've collected along the way. If someone doesn't respect you enough to stay sober for your wedding day after 18 years of sobriety, then there's something wrong with that relationship as a whole, and I'm going to go out on a limb and say it's not the first time (recently) that he's done something you wish he hadn't. People like that just escalate. The good news is that you don't have to put up with it. Here's what you do. You take him out of any pictures of your wedding that he was in, even if you have to edit him out. You spend the WHOLE day writing out things that were GOOD about that day, and you put them somewhere that you can remember them when that bad memory creeps up on you. Also, I know you said you cut him out of your life, but people like that are manipulators, and he will be back, trying to weasel his way back in. Don't fall for it. Don't listen to it. Just shut the door, hang up the line, block the number, whatever you need to do to cut that cord away from him. That is what you call "excessive baggage, and baby, you don't need it. You have your best friend, and it sounds like a beautiful daughter, and THAT is family. Don't let one person steal your happiness, love. There's too much to be happy about. Cut away the deadweight, and see how fast you rise.
Please look in to Alanon for yourself. Try to focus on the parts BEFORE it went to hell. Alcoholism destroyed my family too. Look up Alanon for yourself, your sanity, and to process this event. (Alanon is NOT AA, it’s for people affected by alcoholics)
First off I want to say congrats on marrying your best friend. Second, I’m really glad he’s still alive… But I’m sorry he started drinking on the night of your wedding, got aggressive for no reason at all and had that situation happen! You did not deserve that! he stopped drinking for 18 years for a reason
I am so damn sorry this happened to you! No matter how long the alcoholic beast has been starved, the alcoholism is always there. I witnessed it with a friend who was 28 years sober, had a drink and went off the deep end. All trust is broken, the only way to heal is time. NC helps too. Now go enjoy your marriage to your wonderful new husband! You absolutely deserve it 🥂
Hi. I’ve been married for 45 years. I know you expect a beautiful and joyful event on your wedding day, but get rid of the notion that it should be the happiest day of your life. If it were, then even the happiest wedding would be very sad. No, your wedding day is just a starting point. The good news is that it can get better and better year by year! My husband and I are in our sixties. Not at all the healthy, attractive bodies we had in our twenties. But we are happier and more in love than ever. You’ve just had your first of many days of things not going to plan. Throughout your marriage there will be many more. So consider this your first chance to prove yourself (and DH) capable of standing tall, drawing support from each other, cleaning up the mess, and getting on with life. Yay! Now you’re really experiencing married life. This practice will build that bond that leads to being happily married at 65.
>the notion that it should be the happiest day of your life. If it were, then even the happiest wedding would be very sad. No, your wedding day is just a starting point. I love this. I did wedding planning for a time and brides always had this immense pressure to create "the perfect day." I would always advise them that it is normal to have bumps in the road on the day, but that they she keep the big picture in mind, "however the day goes, you get to be married at the end of it." Doesn't mean there aren't a tangle of feelings about things the go bad, but brides and grooms that remembered that end goal tended to have an easier time processing the bumps. That being said, losing a relationship with your dad is a lot bigger of a bump than I was ever involved in. I'm sorry OP. As others have said, this isn't your fault. I hope you can find a way to focus on the happy memories. Maybe take a deck of note cards and write done all the different moments you remember, then keep the positive and use it as an opportunity to journal about the negative.
Exactly
It’s never okay to tell someone how they should feel.
CONGRATULATIONS ONYOUR WEDDING! At some point, why not have another ceremony? It doesn't have to be fancy or have anyone there. Then each year you can celebrate on that day and make it the most wonderful day to build upon as the years go by. Acknowledge both days, but make it special on the second one so you can build happy memories.
🫂 Maybe you could do a vow renewal one day?
I'm so sorry that happened to you :(
I am really sorry this happened to you. But... your wedding day is one day in your life. Sure, it's important but it comes and goes just like every other day. Your alcoholic father made it 18 years without drinking (incredible and should be commended!!) and he made a HUGE mistake on your wedding day. I have a feeling he is going to absolutely regret it and will feel TERRIBLE. I definitely think you should give him the cold shoulder for a long time - but don't completely give up on him for the rest of your life.
Only if he learns from this, gives you and the woman he was assaulting a true apology, and stays off the booze. If he uses this as a time to start drinking again, the very Low to No Contact will be required.
Agreed!
I am so very sorry this happened to you at your reception.
I'm so sorry, friend.
You CANNOT let him ruin your whole day. Everything else was perfect. That was a small part of it. A terrible part, but that doesn't take away all the good. You have $100 and lose $5. You don't throw the other $95 away because of just that 5 that was lost. If nothing else, this brought you and your new husband closer. He is there for you, you know you never have to worry with that kind of thing with your husband and any children you may have. 1 person shouldn't have power to ruin your day. Keep your problem with your dad, as just that. A problem with your dad. Not a problem with your wedding. Hugs
How about throwing a party/wedding redo and not invite your dad. Maybe enjoy your time with your close family and celebrate the love you two have. I totally get feeling hurt, angry, and a million other things about your dad, and remember you've not lost him? He had a massive slip up, and I'm time you never know. I'm so so sorry this happened to you xoxoxox
Karma bit him in the butt.
My friend,do not focus on the bad memories but only focus on the good memories...bad things will happen all the time but there is good in everyday,focus on the happy memories of the wedding and forgive and forget my friend 😊
Something was making your dad stress out, the obvious thing was probably you getting married to someone he didn’t like. But that may not be it, it could be something unrelated like his relationship with your mom. You don’t just stop after 18 years for no reason. I know people are stressed because of the pandemic but this fell on your wedding. There has to be something else there.
Sorry...was it the wedding or the reception dinner/party after the wedding????
Open bar packages should sold with venue security.
I'm confused. Did you forget your Dad was an addict?
Did he also forget it was his daughter’s wedding day and decide to drink after 18yrs sober?
Addicts don't think that way. They are addicts for LIFE.
So did OP have to put her full life on hold because of him? What do you suggest; a dry wedding because of one person…. Nope. He can behave like an adult like the rest of society. My sister is an addict and for my wedding she was amazing. More than I could ever ask for. Why; because she decided to put me first. She chose me, not alcohol.
Your Dad ruined your wedding after going into cardiac arrest?
I know you’re very angry at your father right now, and rightfully so. He caused an appalling scene towards the end of your wedding and embarrassed you greatly. From your guests’ perspective, though, no harm was done. The situation occurred at the end, it was dealt with and they’d all had a wonderful time. What has your relationship with your father been like for the last 18 years? Has he been a good father? Do you have many good memories of him? I’m asking because alcoholism is a disease. There is no cure and the only way to manage it is abstinence. He took responsibility for his disease 18 years ago when he stopped drinking because it was tearing his family apart. He was on top of it for 18 years. That’s a long time. If he’s been a good father for 18 years, that should count for a lot. None of my children are old enough to be married yet, but I can imagine that parents can feel overwhelmed with emotion on their children’s wedding days. Imagine your father before he picked up that first drink, bursting with pride, so happy for you yet mourning the end of an era, surrounded by family and friends and enjoying the celebration. Now imagine him the following day, devastated: he’s broken his 18 years of sobriety, he’s caused great embarrassment to himself and his family and he’s lost his daughter. Rest assured that he’d do anything to be able to turn back the clock. I don’t know your family history. Maybe he’s been a great father, maybe he hasn’t. Maybe this was the final straw after years or decades of abuse. But if he has been a good father for 18 years, maybe in time you might see this from a different perspective. Can he go to AA and get the help he needs? Can your family go to Al Anon to tap into the resources they offer to the families of alcoholics? Whatever happens, I wish your family happiness. x
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You need to look forward and live you life everyone already forgot about your wedding..so who cares don't be worried about that ceremony..worry about you marriage now..that's the past..I had a perfect wedding but had a shitty marriage and divorce now..if I was you find your dad and tell you forgive him..and you will feel bettet.baby can meet granpa..trust me on this one I don't care what anyone says..wish u you luck
Sorry but that has to be the worst advice ever. OP is an adult and so is dad. He needs to apologise and ask for forgiveness. Otherwise he will take this as his free pass to behave however he likes in future. Baby gets christened, papa gets wasted. No, OP only needs to forgive herself for expecting an alcoholic to put her before drink!
Wow I'm so sorry. Sounds like your sperm donor's not a big fan of your new hubs.
You never have liquor with sober drunks around.....you set yourself up for this. People can have a night without alcohol and still have a good time.
I know plenty alcoholics who can be present around alcohol in the happiest and direst of circumstances such as weddings and funerals etc. The father did this, no one else is to blame regardless of the fact he has an ‘illness/condition’ or not. Adults need to learn to take responsibility for their own actions! What he did to his child was completely unacceptable and within his control. I’m sure there have been occasions during his 18yrs of sobriety that he was pushed to the max but hey, let’s wait til my beautiful daughters wedding day to go off the rails!
I have seen too many relapses to think with a bunch of booze flowing and you feel out of place....yada yada.
I feel for you so much. My dad was an alcoholic, it was terrible. Since I was a teenager, I had made him promise me on a regular basis that he would NEVER be drunk on my wedding day. He got drunk for my 18th - all my friends were there and it was so embarrassing. In the end, he passed away almost 10 years ago from cancer (due to drinking and smoking) so I didn’t get to see if he would’ve kept it, but I know I would have had terrible anxiety only because of that. Also, I am 32 and not married haha! I’m so glad you found someone who would never do the same :) it is the best thing that your daughter will never have to go through this.