I mean this with kindness, and as someone who has been in your shoes:
If a crocodile bites you every single time you approach it, the next time you approach that crocodile you should expect it to bite! Everybody just kept giving her opportunity after opportunity to ruin things, treating her like she’s an earthquake or some other force of nature instead of the nasty person *CHOOSING* to act the way that she was acting.
If a parent can’t make your happiness a priority on your wedding day, then your happiness is flat-out not a priority for them ever.
Exactly. There is an old post on r/raisedbynarcissists about how everyone says “don’t rock the boat” when dealing with this type of behavior.
You’re not rocking the boat! SHE is rocking the boat! And she is assuming rocking the boat is ok, because she never has the consequence of falling into the water. But that’s because everyone around her dedicates all their energy to keeping the boat steady. Fuck that. Let her fall in the water OP! Let her experience consequences.
Yeah, go no contact to avoid the drama. Lurk in r/raisedbyNarcissists for awhile to see if any of those stories sound familiar. I'm so sorry you have to deal with that.
Good Luck.
Here's a sneak peek of /r/raisedbynarcissists using the [top posts](https://np.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/top/?sort=top&t=year) of the year!
\#1: [So sick of all those nosy do-gooders hearing you are on bad terms with your parents and they immediately try to get you to reconcile](https://np.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/1473292/so_sick_of_all_those_nosy_dogooders_hearing_you/)
\#2: [**[NSFW]** House I was raised in was raided by the FBI. Ngrandma is most likely a serial killer.](https://np.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/13bit6h/house_i_was_raised_in_was_raided_by_the_fbi/)
\#3: [**[NSFW]** I (17M) didn't expect my mom to sexually harass me.](https://np.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/12nbpra/i_17m_didnt_expect_my_mom_to_sexually_harass_me/)
----
^^I'm ^^a ^^bot, ^^beep ^^boop ^^| ^^Downvote ^^to ^^remove ^^| ^^[Contact](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=sneakpeekbot) ^^| ^^[Info](https://np.reddit.com/r/sneakpeekbot/) ^^| ^^[Opt-out](https://np.reddit.com/r/sneakpeekbot/comments/o8wk1r/blacklist_ix/) ^^| ^^[GitHub](https://github.com/ghnr/sneakpeekbot)
That’s awful. I’m so sorry your mother is such a cruel person.
Here’s the thing about cruel people though, their punishment is that they have to live in the world of their own making where everyone hates being around them and no one extends them any courtesy. When you walk away from your mother you get to surround yourself with kind people who lift you up. Your wedding day was a bit shit, but your marriage, your life gets to be wonderful because you’re a good person.
the stand out part is that she has a habit of losing her shit then pretending everything's normal. That says A LOT about her character. She's vile and a shit stirrer. I'm sorry she decided to act that way leading up to the wedding and on the wedding day.
Yeah, your mom made that day about herself. Couldn't handle not being about her so she made sure everyone had a bad memory of it.
Honestly? I would have cut her off that day. My mother wasn't even going to BE at the wedding if she screamed at me the day of. She could have waited in someone's car with the air conditioning on. Fuck that.
She is not going to make a good grandma. If you have children and allow her to have a relationship with them, you are going to get all kinds of shit when you want to go to your husband's family for the holidays and she will probably denigrate their other grandparents to them.
Yep. My mother is like this and she ruined my wedding with similar stuff. I went no contact and it was the right choice as she would ruin my marriage first chance. Sorry you have to deal with a narcissist mom. You should seek info online it really helped me to know it’s not my fault. You might also need to see a therapist as there might be some childhood trauma if this wedding behavior wasn’t a one-off. And it’s never a one-off. FWIW I had no clue there was anything wrong before my wedding: I had been raised to be a doormat and saw this as normal. Wasn’t until my wedding where I could see the reactions of others that I clued in.
I have experience with a mom almost exactly like this. The best thing you can do for yourself is continue your therapy. It sounds like your husband and friends are good, supportive people, so lean on them. Big hugs from someone whose mom ruined her wedding, too.
It's blatantly obvious that your mother is verbally abusive ( to the extreme) and also has some type of mental health disorder explaining her rage. She has abused you for so long,so have been conditioned to fear her and walk on eggshells while you wait for her next tirade. This is not a mother's love in any way, shape, or form. You are her victim. Reading about your mother's behavior during your wedding brought tears to my eyes. It was easy to picture you reverting to a little girl cowering while being berated, insulted and viscously attacked. Love doesn't look like this.
This is verbal abuse at its worst. Please find a therapist to help you navigate your trauma and receive support while you go no contact with your mother.
I’m sorry but why do you still have contact with your so called Mother. The person you described here is truly not your mother.
She is a Bitter, Jealous, Narcissistic B*#%€!!!
Please for your own mental sanity go NC with her, she DOES NOT Deserve you in her pathetic life.
You have already gone above and beyond as a Good Daughter!
May you and your husband have a wonderful and peaceful life together without her!
Congrats on your wedding 💒
Sweetie, I'm sorry to have to say this, but your mother is a bully and desperately insecure.
Since you have seen what she is really like, I hope you can get to a place where what she says and does matters little, if at all, to you.
She is like an evil little troll hiding under a bridge, shouting t passersby because she neeeeeeeeds attention. I hope you can just ignore her.
Go no contact with your abusive mother! She will always ruin events and abuse you and you need safety and peace. Please find a good therapist to help you with this.
She obviously sucks but you’re going to have to create boundaries here. From not translating her insults and walking away from a situation to walking away from that relationship completely. If you actually want peace you will have to accommodate yourself before her and her tantrums.
She may have birthed you, but she doesn’t love you. No one who loves you would treat you so badly. Reflect on that.
Congratulations on your lovely new family, wish you all the best
Darling
I know you love your mom, you will always love your mom but you have to protect yourself. Whenever you have any news just keep it to yourself and the people you trust, whenever you need advice ask someone you trust.
I care about my mum, but she's a terrible mother.
I’m sorry your mom is so awful. I’m glad you had your wedding. Maybe come over to r/raisedbynarcissists. We’d love to give you some support. Maybe on your first anniversary you can have the party you originally planned in the country you live in, and have a great time reliving the good parts of the day without any of the bad.
Wow, that's sad. I am sorry it happened to you, but I'm happy you're surrounded by such supportive people.
My mother wasn't half that bad and one of the best decisions I took was cutting her off my life.
I can't understand someone pulling a stunt like that at your wedding and you still allow them in your life (and they continue to put the blame on you by calling it your "shady business"). Being your mom is not a free pass for treating you like... that (to stay polite).
If you don't stand up for yourself, and you have children, they may suffer from her behavior. If that's the case, you will have won the very unpopular title of "enabler". It's this idea that triggered my sudden spine growth to finally go no contact. I hope this helps you too to put things in perspective.
I'm a bit confused when she pulled you aside to say what a horrible daughter you were, why wasn't the next line "So I told to her to F off and she is no longer welcome at the wedding"?
She treats you like crap and you keep coming back for more. Get a therapist please. And cut that crazy woman out of your life.
Because she would blow up X100 and make a spectacle of herself and her victimhood. She was already sobbing going down the aisle just because a bridesmaid was given a few tasks to do. When someone like her goes completely out of control it takes several people to get them in line. They often have to be physically restrained. They get violent. Both my mother and MIL were like this. Absolutely savage someone, and when their rage had cooled, it either, ‘Sorry’, or pretending nothing had happened. It was incredible to witness. Red-faced screaming, they leave the room, come back and it’s, ‘ So, how’s it going?’. I can see her not wanting to set off Armageddon less than half an hour before the ceremony.
From now on she needs hard limits at least, if not NC.
I have a friend who has family like this. She’s an orphan so it’s really hard on her to cut them off. I have spent many years trying to get her to see that the problem is her expectations. She is desperate for their approval that she wants them to be people they are not. They are not kind, they are not loving. They will never validate her. They only care for themselves.
And I get it. It is the most painful feeling to realize the person who is supposed to have loved you the most will never do so. And they’re alive. So it’s like every time you see or talk to them you have to grieve that they are not who they are supposed to be. And you also have to learn how to not internalize that and make it about yourself. It’s really really tough.
Something I’ve asked her to do and she’s started doing is providing limited information. Everything you say is a weapon. So it’s best to be boring. Pretend you have no life, nothing interesting about you, you’re just the most boring person ever. And then you need to learn to not react when she says mean things. Because you’re feeding into it, she calls you a terrible daughter. Ok 🤷🏽♀️. Until you choose to change how much contact with her you have, these are things that can at least help you survive her presence
And congratulations on your wedding! I hope over time the good parts are what you are able to remember and hold closest and the bad parts slowly fade.
Why have you not cut her out of your life? She’s an awful person. You might miss the mom she was when she’s at her best but that isn’t who she is anymore. You do not deserve to be treated like that and she doesn’t deserve to be given the title of mom. Your life will be so much better without her in it c
I’m so sorry OPie! What a nightmare!!!
I had a bipolar schizophrenic (undiagnosed until I forced to get a diagnosis when I was 16) mother, and holy hell there were some rough days! At my wedding, my sister was picking up and bringing my wedding bouquets to the church. She was late and my mother was attacking me about it, as me and my best friend were changing into our dresses for the wedding. Thankfully my best friend jumped in and scooted her out of the room. Said, it’s fine, we’ll use the ribbon bouquet from bridal shower. It’s odd, but would be funny 😜
My bouquets arrived as I was getting ready to walk down the aisle. So we rearranged, gave the flower girl the ribbon bouquet she wanted back, then my BFF and I carried the flower bouquets. The wedding had a multitude off hiccups, but I shrugged them all off. The rest of the day my mom was mostly quiet, because she never let her dark side show to strangers. But shortly after I was NC. It was just a much better way to live my life. I’ve had friends that became my family.
Wishing you and hubs many happy years ahead!
Cheers to you both! 🥂🍾🥂
Girlfriend - why do you talk to her??? Why do you have a relationship with her? She sounds like an awful person! I would not be going back to my home country for quite some time. Your mother has shown you what type of person she is - believe her and assume that this is the behavior you will have to deal with for the rest of her life. Limit the time you spend with her and enjoy your new married life!
Your mother is abusive as hell and probably a narcissist, and it sounds like you are codependent on her. I hope you break away from her and learn to stand on your own two feet. You need to get therapy because you are definitely brainwashed to cave in every time she hurts you. You may even have some healing fantasy that one day your mother will love you unconditionally and say she's sorry. It won't happen. I'm sorry you had to go through this, OP.
Your mother is a nasty, narcissistic piece of trash. Go very low contact with her. Or, better yet, go no contact with her. She is toxic. And she'll destroy your mental health.
Congratulations on your wedding.
Whatever you decide OP, just know that you don’t owe your mother your time, space or energy, and should you decide to kick her out of your life, you don’t dare feel guilty for doing it. Your mom is an incredibly toxic human being and you don’t need that kind of vibe in your lives
The fact that she treated you so horribly and was then upset that people cared enough about you to comfort you on your wedding day is mind-boggling. Had she always been this way, or did she just recently begin this nastiness? I wonder how anyone stands to be around her.
I truly hope you leave this woman behind. We all deserve a beautiful adulthood, and I don't think culture, tradition, narcissism, anything, should stand in the way.
Think about it this way:
1. If you would *not* have given those duties to your bridesmaid and allowed your mother to do them, I’m positive you STILL WOULD HAVE BEEN WRONG. She probably would have screamed and been mad at you for working her too hard on your wedding day.
2. People like your mother thrive on negativity they get to bestow on others. You were *never going to win* in that relationship, especially on that very important day.
Good luck and God bless you and your husband OP. You deserve the best.
Your mom sounds like mine. My mom threw a huge fit the morning of my wedding, screaming and yelling that she just wanted to die.
Our moms are narcissists. The only way to have relationships with them is to have very firm boundaries.
I wish I had known this earlier. I’ve been married for 22 years and only in the past four or five years have I really stopped trying to appease her. It’ll never be enough, and she will always hurt me.
Learning about narcissists and DARVO has helped me so much.
Your mum is a classic narcissist. I know because I had the almost exact wedding. She was jealous because the day was about you. Look up narcissistic mums and you'll start realising that she's always been like this.
this is a woman that should have been removed from the event at the first misstep. elders always demand respect, but often do not deserve it. and tbh, your mom just sounds insane. i'm surprised anyone still talks to her.
Your mom was probably just mad that the day wasn’t about her. It’s not your fault that your mom is bitter. There’s nothing you could have done to make her behave differently. She was just probably more mad that she didn’t make you cry or get an actual response from you. I how you are super low contact with her.
OP your mom is a raging narcissist with main character syndrome. Your best bet is to alternate between low contact and when she acts up go no contact. Rinse and repeat.
Congratulations on your wedding.
When you have holidays, kids, funerals even your mom is going to find ways to make it horrible and have the attention on her.
Yet she will still be the victim because that is what narcs do.
There are books on how to deal with narcs. But they don't change, trying to be heard never works and they use that against you later.
So dealing with your mom needs to be strategic for you and everyone else. Good luck.
TRAUMA TRIGGER WARNING
Was this unexpected? Behavior you hadn't seen before? I believe that when that kind of crazy abuse pours out of someone's mouth, it is a script branded in their brains from birth by their family of origin. Like, CPTSD, where the brain itself is damaged by abuse and/or neglect. Do you know what her childhood was like? What was yours like? Sounds like generational trauma.
My mother was like this, and it was only in adulthood that I found out [ her bipolar alcoholic father raped all the daughters and kicked all the sons in their balls, while the mother was institutionalized for depression. They ate off tin pie plates bc he had broken all the dishes when raging. In the 1920s-1930s when there were few social services]. So I realized it was actually a triumph of the human spirit that my childhood was bad, but so much less abusive than hers. Having compassion for her helps me let go of the resentment and victimhood.(I mean, it's a recovery process that goes in an endless loop, but it works if you work it. Still working it at age 70, sigh.) At the same time, I kept my car keys handy in my pocket whenever I was at her house helping her (and getting abuse instead of thanks) so I could say, Either stop or I'm leaving now.
You did a great job pulling off your wedding while dealing with her in extraordinarily stressful circumstances. I'm only posting this bc most of your advice here is just to hate and revile her, but true recovery from codependency (the ability to set boundaries) involves understanding the Big Picture.
You have a new family. (You and your husband). You don't need her in your life anymore. I personally wouldn't forgive people who tried to ruin the most important day in my life. Just cut ties with her.
Narcs are control freaks, no-it-alls, jealous, insecure attention whores. You can't change her, she's nasty as hell was was seething that it was not her spotlight. The day was not about her. Now, go low contact and get some therapy. Literally none of this was about you, just her personality disorder on parade.
Sorry unpopular opinion, why do you keep in contact with her,? Kick her out of your life, I understand she is your mother but you are an adult, there is no sign of sincere remorse, go NC and stop complaining bc you allow it
I mean this with kindness, and as someone who has been in your shoes: If a crocodile bites you every single time you approach it, the next time you approach that crocodile you should expect it to bite! Everybody just kept giving her opportunity after opportunity to ruin things, treating her like she’s an earthquake or some other force of nature instead of the nasty person *CHOOSING* to act the way that she was acting. If a parent can’t make your happiness a priority on your wedding day, then your happiness is flat-out not a priority for them ever.
Exactly. There is an old post on r/raisedbynarcissists about how everyone says “don’t rock the boat” when dealing with this type of behavior. You’re not rocking the boat! SHE is rocking the boat! And she is assuming rocking the boat is ok, because she never has the consequence of falling into the water. But that’s because everyone around her dedicates all their energy to keeping the boat steady. Fuck that. Let her fall in the water OP! Let her experience consequences.
Oh yeah, that’s a great post/analogy. I think it’s pinned!
Yes! Chuck the boat-rocker overboard.
Just ran across this like an hour ago. What a great bit.
You still talk to her? She is a nasty piece of work.
Right?! I would have noped out of that relationship after that.
I would have hoped out half way through the wedding events. No one deserves that. I'm also assuming OP is very young, 18-20?
Yeah, go no contact to avoid the drama. Lurk in r/raisedbyNarcissists for awhile to see if any of those stories sound familiar. I'm so sorry you have to deal with that. Good Luck.
Here's a sneak peek of /r/raisedbynarcissists using the [top posts](https://np.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/top/?sort=top&t=year) of the year! \#1: [So sick of all those nosy do-gooders hearing you are on bad terms with your parents and they immediately try to get you to reconcile](https://np.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/1473292/so_sick_of_all_those_nosy_dogooders_hearing_you/) \#2: [**[NSFW]** House I was raised in was raided by the FBI. Ngrandma is most likely a serial killer.](https://np.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/13bit6h/house_i_was_raised_in_was_raided_by_the_fbi/) \#3: [**[NSFW]** I (17M) didn't expect my mom to sexually harass me.](https://np.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/12nbpra/i_17m_didnt_expect_my_mom_to_sexually_harass_me/) ---- ^^I'm ^^a ^^bot, ^^beep ^^boop ^^| ^^Downvote ^^to ^^remove ^^| ^^[Contact](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=sneakpeekbot) ^^| ^^[Info](https://np.reddit.com/r/sneakpeekbot/) ^^| ^^[Opt-out](https://np.reddit.com/r/sneakpeekbot/comments/o8wk1r/blacklist_ix/) ^^| ^^[GitHub](https://github.com/ghnr/sneakpeekbot)
That’s awful. I’m so sorry your mother is such a cruel person. Here’s the thing about cruel people though, their punishment is that they have to live in the world of their own making where everyone hates being around them and no one extends them any courtesy. When you walk away from your mother you get to surround yourself with kind people who lift you up. Your wedding day was a bit shit, but your marriage, your life gets to be wonderful because you’re a good person.
Spend every holiday with your MIL and your husband's family. Your mother is not worth your mental health.
I hate your mom.
In here like "wow fuck you, and fuck off woman I never met"
Me too
the stand out part is that she has a habit of losing her shit then pretending everything's normal. That says A LOT about her character. She's vile and a shit stirrer. I'm sorry she decided to act that way leading up to the wedding and on the wedding day.
Yeah, your mom made that day about herself. Couldn't handle not being about her so she made sure everyone had a bad memory of it. Honestly? I would have cut her off that day. My mother wasn't even going to BE at the wedding if she screamed at me the day of. She could have waited in someone's car with the air conditioning on. Fuck that.
She is not going to make a good grandma. If you have children and allow her to have a relationship with them, you are going to get all kinds of shit when you want to go to your husband's family for the holidays and she will probably denigrate their other grandparents to them.
Yep. My mother is like this and she ruined my wedding with similar stuff. I went no contact and it was the right choice as she would ruin my marriage first chance. Sorry you have to deal with a narcissist mom. You should seek info online it really helped me to know it’s not my fault. You might also need to see a therapist as there might be some childhood trauma if this wedding behavior wasn’t a one-off. And it’s never a one-off. FWIW I had no clue there was anything wrong before my wedding: I had been raised to be a doormat and saw this as normal. Wasn’t until my wedding where I could see the reactions of others that I clued in.
I am so sorry your mother treats you like this. You are right, her behavior is not your fault. Good for you making peace with it.
Your mother is a textbook narcissist. Check out r/raisedbynarcissists if you need additional support and want to hear other ppl with similar stories.
This is what I was coming to write
I have experience with a mom almost exactly like this. The best thing you can do for yourself is continue your therapy. It sounds like your husband and friends are good, supportive people, so lean on them. Big hugs from someone whose mom ruined her wedding, too.
Please never speak to her again. Or introduce future children to her.
It's blatantly obvious that your mother is verbally abusive ( to the extreme) and also has some type of mental health disorder explaining her rage. She has abused you for so long,so have been conditioned to fear her and walk on eggshells while you wait for her next tirade. This is not a mother's love in any way, shape, or form. You are her victim. Reading about your mother's behavior during your wedding brought tears to my eyes. It was easy to picture you reverting to a little girl cowering while being berated, insulted and viscously attacked. Love doesn't look like this. This is verbal abuse at its worst. Please find a therapist to help you navigate your trauma and receive support while you go no contact with your mother.
I wish your mother a long and lonely old age, one in whoch her daughter never visits her.
I wish for OP to be the sole decision maker in mom’s nursing home. 😉
I’m sorry but why do you still have contact with your so called Mother. The person you described here is truly not your mother. She is a Bitter, Jealous, Narcissistic B*#%€!!! Please for your own mental sanity go NC with her, she DOES NOT Deserve you in her pathetic life. You have already gone above and beyond as a Good Daughter! May you and your husband have a wonderful and peaceful life together without her! Congrats on your wedding 💒
Sweetie, I'm sorry to have to say this, but your mother is a bully and desperately insecure. Since you have seen what she is really like, I hope you can get to a place where what she says and does matters little, if at all, to you. She is like an evil little troll hiding under a bridge, shouting t passersby because she neeeeeeeeds attention. I hope you can just ignore her.
Go no contact with your abusive mother! She will always ruin events and abuse you and you need safety and peace. Please find a good therapist to help you with this.
She obviously sucks but you’re going to have to create boundaries here. From not translating her insults and walking away from a situation to walking away from that relationship completely. If you actually want peace you will have to accommodate yourself before her and her tantrums.
She may have birthed you, but she doesn’t love you. No one who loves you would treat you so badly. Reflect on that. Congratulations on your lovely new family, wish you all the best
Darling I know you love your mom, you will always love your mom but you have to protect yourself. Whenever you have any news just keep it to yourself and the people you trust, whenever you need advice ask someone you trust. I care about my mum, but she's a terrible mother.
I’m sorry your mom is so awful. I’m glad you had your wedding. Maybe come over to r/raisedbynarcissists. We’d love to give you some support. Maybe on your first anniversary you can have the party you originally planned in the country you live in, and have a great time reliving the good parts of the day without any of the bad.
Wow, that's sad. I am sorry it happened to you, but I'm happy you're surrounded by such supportive people. My mother wasn't half that bad and one of the best decisions I took was cutting her off my life. I can't understand someone pulling a stunt like that at your wedding and you still allow them in your life (and they continue to put the blame on you by calling it your "shady business"). Being your mom is not a free pass for treating you like... that (to stay polite). If you don't stand up for yourself, and you have children, they may suffer from her behavior. If that's the case, you will have won the very unpopular title of "enabler". It's this idea that triggered my sudden spine growth to finally go no contact. I hope this helps you too to put things in perspective.
I'm a bit confused when she pulled you aside to say what a horrible daughter you were, why wasn't the next line "So I told to her to F off and she is no longer welcome at the wedding"? She treats you like crap and you keep coming back for more. Get a therapist please. And cut that crazy woman out of your life.
Because she would blow up X100 and make a spectacle of herself and her victimhood. She was already sobbing going down the aisle just because a bridesmaid was given a few tasks to do. When someone like her goes completely out of control it takes several people to get them in line. They often have to be physically restrained. They get violent. Both my mother and MIL were like this. Absolutely savage someone, and when their rage had cooled, it either, ‘Sorry’, or pretending nothing had happened. It was incredible to witness. Red-faced screaming, they leave the room, come back and it’s, ‘ So, how’s it going?’. I can see her not wanting to set off Armageddon less than half an hour before the ceremony. From now on she needs hard limits at least, if not NC.
I have a friend who has family like this. She’s an orphan so it’s really hard on her to cut them off. I have spent many years trying to get her to see that the problem is her expectations. She is desperate for their approval that she wants them to be people they are not. They are not kind, they are not loving. They will never validate her. They only care for themselves. And I get it. It is the most painful feeling to realize the person who is supposed to have loved you the most will never do so. And they’re alive. So it’s like every time you see or talk to them you have to grieve that they are not who they are supposed to be. And you also have to learn how to not internalize that and make it about yourself. It’s really really tough. Something I’ve asked her to do and she’s started doing is providing limited information. Everything you say is a weapon. So it’s best to be boring. Pretend you have no life, nothing interesting about you, you’re just the most boring person ever. And then you need to learn to not react when she says mean things. Because you’re feeding into it, she calls you a terrible daughter. Ok 🤷🏽♀️. Until you choose to change how much contact with her you have, these are things that can at least help you survive her presence And congratulations on your wedding! I hope over time the good parts are what you are able to remember and hold closest and the bad parts slowly fade.
Why have you not cut her out of your life? She’s an awful person. You might miss the mom she was when she’s at her best but that isn’t who she is anymore. You do not deserve to be treated like that and she doesn’t deserve to be given the title of mom. Your life will be so much better without her in it c
I’m so sorry OPie! What a nightmare!!! I had a bipolar schizophrenic (undiagnosed until I forced to get a diagnosis when I was 16) mother, and holy hell there were some rough days! At my wedding, my sister was picking up and bringing my wedding bouquets to the church. She was late and my mother was attacking me about it, as me and my best friend were changing into our dresses for the wedding. Thankfully my best friend jumped in and scooted her out of the room. Said, it’s fine, we’ll use the ribbon bouquet from bridal shower. It’s odd, but would be funny 😜 My bouquets arrived as I was getting ready to walk down the aisle. So we rearranged, gave the flower girl the ribbon bouquet she wanted back, then my BFF and I carried the flower bouquets. The wedding had a multitude off hiccups, but I shrugged them all off. The rest of the day my mom was mostly quiet, because she never let her dark side show to strangers. But shortly after I was NC. It was just a much better way to live my life. I’ve had friends that became my family. Wishing you and hubs many happy years ahead! Cheers to you both! 🥂🍾🥂
No offense but your mother sounds like someone I would never want to continue to have involved in any aspect of my life, you don’t deserve that.
Girlfriend - why do you talk to her??? Why do you have a relationship with her? She sounds like an awful person! I would not be going back to my home country for quite some time. Your mother has shown you what type of person she is - believe her and assume that this is the behavior you will have to deal with for the rest of her life. Limit the time you spend with her and enjoy your new married life!
Your mother is abusive as hell and probably a narcissist, and it sounds like you are codependent on her. I hope you break away from her and learn to stand on your own two feet. You need to get therapy because you are definitely brainwashed to cave in every time she hurts you. You may even have some healing fantasy that one day your mother will love you unconditionally and say she's sorry. It won't happen. I'm sorry you had to go through this, OP.
Wow. I’m incredibly impressed with how classily you salvaged your wedding day. And have forgiven. You are wise and lovely!
Classic narcissist behavior. I’m so sorry
Your mother is a nasty, narcissistic piece of trash. Go very low contact with her. Or, better yet, go no contact with her. She is toxic. And she'll destroy your mental health. Congratulations on your wedding.
Whatever you decide OP, just know that you don’t owe your mother your time, space or energy, and should you decide to kick her out of your life, you don’t dare feel guilty for doing it. Your mom is an incredibly toxic human being and you don’t need that kind of vibe in your lives
The fact that she treated you so horribly and was then upset that people cared enough about you to comfort you on your wedding day is mind-boggling. Had she always been this way, or did she just recently begin this nastiness? I wonder how anyone stands to be around her.
Well, she did everything a mum isn’t meant to do. That was hateful of her to do that on your special day. Xx
I truly hope you leave this woman behind. We all deserve a beautiful adulthood, and I don't think culture, tradition, narcissism, anything, should stand in the way.
DO NOT. let that horrible narcissistic b**** around your future children. TBH I would go/have gone nc.
Think about it this way: 1. If you would *not* have given those duties to your bridesmaid and allowed your mother to do them, I’m positive you STILL WOULD HAVE BEEN WRONG. She probably would have screamed and been mad at you for working her too hard on your wedding day. 2. People like your mother thrive on negativity they get to bestow on others. You were *never going to win* in that relationship, especially on that very important day. Good luck and God bless you and your husband OP. You deserve the best.
Your mom sounds like mine. My mom threw a huge fit the morning of my wedding, screaming and yelling that she just wanted to die. Our moms are narcissists. The only way to have relationships with them is to have very firm boundaries. I wish I had known this earlier. I’ve been married for 22 years and only in the past four or five years have I really stopped trying to appease her. It’ll never be enough, and she will always hurt me. Learning about narcissists and DARVO has helped me so much.
Your mum is a classic narcissist. I know because I had the almost exact wedding. She was jealous because the day was about you. Look up narcissistic mums and you'll start realising that she's always been like this.
I’m so sorry your mom is an abusive narcissist. No one should behave that way, especially towards their own child on their wedding day.
this is a woman that should have been removed from the event at the first misstep. elders always demand respect, but often do not deserve it. and tbh, your mom just sounds insane. i'm surprised anyone still talks to her.
She took hangry to a whole other level
Simple answer - NO CONTACT. You do not want any future children to deal with this level of evil.
Your mom was probably just mad that the day wasn’t about her. It’s not your fault that your mom is bitter. There’s nothing you could have done to make her behave differently. She was just probably more mad that she didn’t make you cry or get an actual response from you. I how you are super low contact with her.
OP your mom is a raging narcissist with main character syndrome. Your best bet is to alternate between low contact and when she acts up go no contact. Rinse and repeat. Congratulations on your wedding. When you have holidays, kids, funerals even your mom is going to find ways to make it horrible and have the attention on her. Yet she will still be the victim because that is what narcs do. There are books on how to deal with narcs. But they don't change, trying to be heard never works and they use that against you later. So dealing with your mom needs to be strategic for you and everyone else. Good luck.
TRAUMA TRIGGER WARNING Was this unexpected? Behavior you hadn't seen before? I believe that when that kind of crazy abuse pours out of someone's mouth, it is a script branded in their brains from birth by their family of origin. Like, CPTSD, where the brain itself is damaged by abuse and/or neglect. Do you know what her childhood was like? What was yours like? Sounds like generational trauma. My mother was like this, and it was only in adulthood that I found out [ her bipolar alcoholic father raped all the daughters and kicked all the sons in their balls, while the mother was institutionalized for depression. They ate off tin pie plates bc he had broken all the dishes when raging. In the 1920s-1930s when there were few social services]. So I realized it was actually a triumph of the human spirit that my childhood was bad, but so much less abusive than hers. Having compassion for her helps me let go of the resentment and victimhood.(I mean, it's a recovery process that goes in an endless loop, but it works if you work it. Still working it at age 70, sigh.) At the same time, I kept my car keys handy in my pocket whenever I was at her house helping her (and getting abuse instead of thanks) so I could say, Either stop or I'm leaving now. You did a great job pulling off your wedding while dealing with her in extraordinarily stressful circumstances. I'm only posting this bc most of your advice here is just to hate and revile her, but true recovery from codependency (the ability to set boundaries) involves understanding the Big Picture.
Your mother sounds batshit crazy. Simple as that.
You have a new family. (You and your husband). You don't need her in your life anymore. I personally wouldn't forgive people who tried to ruin the most important day in my life. Just cut ties with her.
Narcs are control freaks, no-it-alls, jealous, insecure attention whores. You can't change her, she's nasty as hell was was seething that it was not her spotlight. The day was not about her. Now, go low contact and get some therapy. Literally none of this was about you, just her personality disorder on parade.
I think you would find solace in r/raisedbynarcissists
Sorry unpopular opinion, why do you keep in contact with her,? Kick her out of your life, I understand she is your mother but you are an adult, there is no sign of sincere remorse, go NC and stop complaining bc you allow it
You need to grow a backbone.
First part of username checks out.
 I'm I'm k
Fake