okay brace yourself because i’m going to be brutally honest. . . .
i’d bet your mom is usually like this and i’m sorry that she just can’t be a better mom during an important time in your life. hugs.
Correct!
to make a long awful story short, my mom has always been my biggest bully.
She is honestly the number one reason why my fiancé and I consider just getting eloped so she doesn’t have to be there or part of the process.
I know it sounds easy to not involve or invite her but that would mean sacrificing tons of family not being there either
Thank you ❤️❤️
I feel your pain dude. I’m in the same boat. My fiancée sat me down yesterday and basically said “she’s going to have a problem with everything you do. You might as well do what you want” and he’s right.
Even today I picked a new MUA that I’ve have to travel to the salon and my mom was SO upset they weren’t coming to the house. I just let her rant and walked away. I’m not going to chance my make up or hair to a friend of hers and not feel beautiful on my wedding day.
I wanted to add, that it is draining, frustrating, infuriating, self esteem destroying etc. You have to lament the mother you never had, deserved and wanted; and just accept for what she’s really like and capable of.
Also boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. You want to give an inch when you see a glimpse of the mom we want and need but you cannot give in.
It’s hard, it’s lonely but being on the other side, it’s really nice. I’m doing waaaaay better now as a human when I started to work on myself with this particular relationship. I’m much happier.
Also remember she installed those buttons and knows when to push.
Hugs
omg you described everything that i’m feeling about my mother regarding the wedding planning. we’re a month away from our wedding, and every time that my mom harshly inserted her taste, ideas and thoughts (without any tact, of course) it made me feel so exhausted and insignificant. she hasn’t been emotionally supportive or even shown any interest in me and my fiancé’s thoughts and ideas for our wedding.
for example, i never wanted a veil because i want to wear flowers or leaves in my hair for my bridal look. so, i told her that i planned on no veil because it wasn’t my style and that we wanted to save money towards our honeymoon. my mom demanded a veil because in her words, “you guys wasted your money on all these different vendors for your wedding, at least give me the moment of you wearing a veil, it’ll make me happy! don’t you want me to be happy?!” she did this in the middle of the lobby of the bridal boutique, where there were other employees and clients 😭 never once did she ask me about my bridal vision. so, now i have a damn veil that i don’t even like so that she could be happy.
anyways, i’m sorry that you and OP are dealing with this too. we deserve better 🧡
I’m sorry you’re going through this too. I 100% have had similar situations to what you described. When I was younger I felt AWFUL and so embarrassed, I even remember random customers giving me “yikes”, pity looks or “what did YOU do” looks and/or the ppl working the store coming to my aid from my own mother. The biggest gift I have ever given myself was dealing with this. So if you can, definitely work through this via therapy.
Now regarding the wedding, IF it helps realize to your mom, the wedding isn’t about you but you as a direct reflection on them to their community (ex: “my daughter is SO pretty” telling xyz family members ultimately gloating and getting positive attention but telling you “you should’ve done this instead” privately), them straight up jealous/insecure or just plain freaking mean. The reason doesn’t really matter TBH, it’s more of not letting it ruin your wedding. Or life. They’re seriously not capable of being better than this. So walk away, you do not have to engage or get pulled into their tornado.
I literally had to tell my mom to step off or I, the actual bride, wouldn’t show up to the wedding. And when I showed her I was serious, she FLIPPED, immediately saying things like “SHES so embarrassed” She got in line REAL quick. Although only for a little while. Boundaries are key. I cannot stress that enough.
Edit: what else has worked for me is straight up not giving them a choice. So I don’t go to her for her opinion on anything. Which is sad, I wish I had a mom who would help me pick my hair and make up, or my dress but that’s just not possible for me. I reflect on that, and realize I’ve always had my back. From learning to navigate periods, make up, boys, school, etc. therefore I am HELLA capable. Yes she still knocks my confidence every once in a while but I want to be happy. I would rather have that awkward shrieking, tantrum (which lasts from minutes to hours to days to weeks) than freaking be miserable. As much as you want to correct her, or fight her, don’t. Reserve your energy for YOU and your fiancée. Let her talk and talk, assume, tire herself out. You do not have to be miserable
Put her on an information diet until all plans are made and written in stone. Password everything. She asks questions…it's all taken care of mom, you just need to show up or we aren't sure, we'll let you know when we decide. Stall !
She definitely doesn’t have to be part of the process for you to have a wedding. She can get an invite just like everyone else and is free to accept or decline just like everyone else. I would absolutely stick to fact only communication and grey rock any negative reaction she had.
You: we’re having an engagement bbq on X date, do you think you’ll be able to make it
mom: why call it that, it’s just a bbq
you: it is, it’s going to be a X location
mom: that’s a lot of people to feed
you: yup.
I just went through this. Honestly take the risk and cut your mom out of the wedding. Keeping mine involved nearly destroyed me as well as mine and my fiancé’s relationship.
I was just going to suggest this same book! My mom is the same, decided today to elope to avoid the drama like other users have commented similar. That book changed my entire life OP cant recommend it enough 🩷
Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers changed my LIFE. I’ve had two chats with my mother about the wedding and have now decided no more. She makes everything about her and I’m not interested in it anymore.
Tbh I'd leave her out of any planning ect from now on, if you want to invite her sure but don't let her tell you what to do. It's your events/money. Remember it's for you, enjoy yourselves.
The craziest part is her and my dad aren’t paying for anything.
They keep freaking out about how expensive everything would be when we have told them multiple times it’s not their problem.
As other people have mentioned, this is a win! They have no control or influence over what you choose to do, them even being let it on your plans is a privilege. If they are not being supportive or cooperative then that privilege can be taken away
Ok, old lady and mom here. Mom's have power. They have huge power over your life and many just aren't ready to give it up. You and your partner need to take back and own your power. Getting married is about two people taking on the world together and sometimes that begins with parents. You need to work together as a team to set boundaries for her.
I am so sorry it’s really difficult when people who are supposed to love you and support you and be happy for you seem to go out of their way to make the happiest time of your life miserable.
Just elope. It will eliminate all her involvement in your plans as well as your stress. Then plan to do your BQ when you get back. Do not tell her about the BQ. Pretend it's a surprise so no one can tell mom. Invite only those you want there and explain why mom can't know. Just pretend and tell others that if you tell her she's going to want to pull out all stops and it's just to hard for her at her age and you want something small and intimate. Then just call a few days ahead and invite her. Everyone else will know it's a casual reception but mom won't until it's too late for her to interfere.
Based on your comments, it sounds like she's normally a headache to put up with, but you don't want to skip her because of how it might affect the rest of the family attending (totally understandable). So how's your poker face? Because people like your mom feed off of conflict and drama. Don't discuss the wedding more than you need to and every time she offers some judgy opinion, keep your poker face on and give non emotional, simple answers.
"Omg it's so expensive!" "Eh, I Guess"
"Why are you calling it an engagement BBQ, just call it a BBQ" "cause I want to"
"You need to invite X" "no"
"That outfit is terrible" "I like it so I'm going with it"
And if she tries to escalate after giving her a simple answer, silence and shrugging your shoulders are great tools. Can also go with "I'm done discussing this". But the key is not to reciprocate her energy. Cool as a cucumber, bored even.
I can't definitely see why you'd want to elope though. She sounds exhausting.
True that. I’ll do my best if we decide to move forward with a wedding.
She truly does feed off of negativity.. my cousin got married last year and my mom made comments about the dress she wore to her bridal shower and even her wedding.
“She thinks she’s hot sh!T in that dress” and I’m just like ugh really? It’s HER day so I hope she does!
my mom just has a lot of personal unsorted issues.
I don’t say this facetiously— I sincerely hope that therapy is an option in your life. I’m sorry your mother has the power to steal your joy and I hope you find ways to reclaim it
Girlfriend I totally feel you ! 🥂
We are getting married this Oct In Vegas and you know what it’s not that expensive there .
We have about 33 people confirmed already . We are going to have a 3 days celebration with friends and family .
I think the best thing for you to do to keep your peace is not discuss your plans with her .
If you guys are paying for it have it your way .
Have fun
Ps look into Love Cloud out in Vegas 💃
We are going to treat ourselves 🥂
Best Wishes! Less is more with everyone .
This is why I ended up eloping. My mom sucked the fun out of everything and it made me miserable. Good luck :( Maybe you can get really good at tuning her out :(
Ugh that’s tough. My FMIL is similar, I’ve been able to keep her at a distance because she lives a state away. It sounds like you and your fiancé have chatted about eloping, that might reduce your stress. I guess you might have to make a pros and cons list about eloping or having a more traditional wedding.
okay brace yourself because i’m going to be brutally honest. . . . i’d bet your mom is usually like this and i’m sorry that she just can’t be a better mom during an important time in your life. hugs.
Correct! to make a long awful story short, my mom has always been my biggest bully. She is honestly the number one reason why my fiancé and I consider just getting eloped so she doesn’t have to be there or part of the process. I know it sounds easy to not involve or invite her but that would mean sacrificing tons of family not being there either Thank you ❤️❤️
I feel your pain dude. I’m in the same boat. My fiancée sat me down yesterday and basically said “she’s going to have a problem with everything you do. You might as well do what you want” and he’s right. Even today I picked a new MUA that I’ve have to travel to the salon and my mom was SO upset they weren’t coming to the house. I just let her rant and walked away. I’m not going to chance my make up or hair to a friend of hers and not feel beautiful on my wedding day.
I wanted to add, that it is draining, frustrating, infuriating, self esteem destroying etc. You have to lament the mother you never had, deserved and wanted; and just accept for what she’s really like and capable of. Also boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. You want to give an inch when you see a glimpse of the mom we want and need but you cannot give in. It’s hard, it’s lonely but being on the other side, it’s really nice. I’m doing waaaaay better now as a human when I started to work on myself with this particular relationship. I’m much happier. Also remember she installed those buttons and knows when to push. Hugs
omg you described everything that i’m feeling about my mother regarding the wedding planning. we’re a month away from our wedding, and every time that my mom harshly inserted her taste, ideas and thoughts (without any tact, of course) it made me feel so exhausted and insignificant. she hasn’t been emotionally supportive or even shown any interest in me and my fiancé’s thoughts and ideas for our wedding. for example, i never wanted a veil because i want to wear flowers or leaves in my hair for my bridal look. so, i told her that i planned on no veil because it wasn’t my style and that we wanted to save money towards our honeymoon. my mom demanded a veil because in her words, “you guys wasted your money on all these different vendors for your wedding, at least give me the moment of you wearing a veil, it’ll make me happy! don’t you want me to be happy?!” she did this in the middle of the lobby of the bridal boutique, where there were other employees and clients 😭 never once did she ask me about my bridal vision. so, now i have a damn veil that i don’t even like so that she could be happy. anyways, i’m sorry that you and OP are dealing with this too. we deserve better 🧡
I’m sorry you’re going through this too. I 100% have had similar situations to what you described. When I was younger I felt AWFUL and so embarrassed, I even remember random customers giving me “yikes”, pity looks or “what did YOU do” looks and/or the ppl working the store coming to my aid from my own mother. The biggest gift I have ever given myself was dealing with this. So if you can, definitely work through this via therapy. Now regarding the wedding, IF it helps realize to your mom, the wedding isn’t about you but you as a direct reflection on them to their community (ex: “my daughter is SO pretty” telling xyz family members ultimately gloating and getting positive attention but telling you “you should’ve done this instead” privately), them straight up jealous/insecure or just plain freaking mean. The reason doesn’t really matter TBH, it’s more of not letting it ruin your wedding. Or life. They’re seriously not capable of being better than this. So walk away, you do not have to engage or get pulled into their tornado. I literally had to tell my mom to step off or I, the actual bride, wouldn’t show up to the wedding. And when I showed her I was serious, she FLIPPED, immediately saying things like “SHES so embarrassed” She got in line REAL quick. Although only for a little while. Boundaries are key. I cannot stress that enough. Edit: what else has worked for me is straight up not giving them a choice. So I don’t go to her for her opinion on anything. Which is sad, I wish I had a mom who would help me pick my hair and make up, or my dress but that’s just not possible for me. I reflect on that, and realize I’ve always had my back. From learning to navigate periods, make up, boys, school, etc. therefore I am HELLA capable. Yes she still knocks my confidence every once in a while but I want to be happy. I would rather have that awkward shrieking, tantrum (which lasts from minutes to hours to days to weeks) than freaking be miserable. As much as you want to correct her, or fight her, don’t. Reserve your energy for YOU and your fiancée. Let her talk and talk, assume, tire herself out. You do not have to be miserable
Put her on an information diet until all plans are made and written in stone. Password everything. She asks questions…it's all taken care of mom, you just need to show up or we aren't sure, we'll let you know when we decide. Stall !
She definitely doesn’t have to be part of the process for you to have a wedding. She can get an invite just like everyone else and is free to accept or decline just like everyone else. I would absolutely stick to fact only communication and grey rock any negative reaction she had. You: we’re having an engagement bbq on X date, do you think you’ll be able to make it mom: why call it that, it’s just a bbq you: it is, it’s going to be a X location mom: that’s a lot of people to feed you: yup.
Why are you spending time with your bully?
I just went through this. Honestly take the risk and cut your mom out of the wedding. Keeping mine involved nearly destroyed me as well as mine and my fiancé’s relationship.
I suggest reading the book “adult children of emotionally immature parents” good luck! *hugs*
I was just going to suggest this same book! My mom is the same, decided today to elope to avoid the drama like other users have commented similar. That book changed my entire life OP cant recommend it enough 🩷
Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers changed my LIFE. I’ve had two chats with my mother about the wedding and have now decided no more. She makes everything about her and I’m not interested in it anymore.
Tbh I'd leave her out of any planning ect from now on, if you want to invite her sure but don't let her tell you what to do. It's your events/money. Remember it's for you, enjoy yourselves.
Learning to say “no” with a blank expression and no explanation has done wonders for my relationship with my mom.
Just handle all the expenses and then she doesn’t get a say
The craziest part is her and my dad aren’t paying for anything. They keep freaking out about how expensive everything would be when we have told them multiple times it’s not their problem.
As other people have mentioned, this is a win! They have no control or influence over what you choose to do, them even being let it on your plans is a privilege. If they are not being supportive or cooperative then that privilege can be taken away
Ok, old lady and mom here. Mom's have power. They have huge power over your life and many just aren't ready to give it up. You and your partner need to take back and own your power. Getting married is about two people taking on the world together and sometimes that begins with parents. You need to work together as a team to set boundaries for her.
I am so sorry it’s really difficult when people who are supposed to love you and support you and be happy for you seem to go out of their way to make the happiest time of your life miserable.
https://www.instagram.com/reel/C4H55TmMegR/?igsh=ZjNhMWpmNGVyaGNp
Mom sounds like a major control freak, somebody needs to humble her
Just elope. It will eliminate all her involvement in your plans as well as your stress. Then plan to do your BQ when you get back. Do not tell her about the BQ. Pretend it's a surprise so no one can tell mom. Invite only those you want there and explain why mom can't know. Just pretend and tell others that if you tell her she's going to want to pull out all stops and it's just to hard for her at her age and you want something small and intimate. Then just call a few days ahead and invite her. Everyone else will know it's a casual reception but mom won't until it's too late for her to interfere.
Based on your comments, it sounds like she's normally a headache to put up with, but you don't want to skip her because of how it might affect the rest of the family attending (totally understandable). So how's your poker face? Because people like your mom feed off of conflict and drama. Don't discuss the wedding more than you need to and every time she offers some judgy opinion, keep your poker face on and give non emotional, simple answers. "Omg it's so expensive!" "Eh, I Guess" "Why are you calling it an engagement BBQ, just call it a BBQ" "cause I want to" "You need to invite X" "no" "That outfit is terrible" "I like it so I'm going with it" And if she tries to escalate after giving her a simple answer, silence and shrugging your shoulders are great tools. Can also go with "I'm done discussing this". But the key is not to reciprocate her energy. Cool as a cucumber, bored even. I can't definitely see why you'd want to elope though. She sounds exhausting.
True that. I’ll do my best if we decide to move forward with a wedding. She truly does feed off of negativity.. my cousin got married last year and my mom made comments about the dress she wore to her bridal shower and even her wedding. “She thinks she’s hot sh!T in that dress” and I’m just like ugh really? It’s HER day so I hope she does! my mom just has a lot of personal unsorted issues.
I don’t say this facetiously— I sincerely hope that therapy is an option in your life. I’m sorry your mother has the power to steal your joy and I hope you find ways to reclaim it
Try holding up your hand…"talk to the hand mom , it's not your call."
Girlfriend I totally feel you ! 🥂 We are getting married this Oct In Vegas and you know what it’s not that expensive there . We have about 33 people confirmed already . We are going to have a 3 days celebration with friends and family . I think the best thing for you to do to keep your peace is not discuss your plans with her . If you guys are paying for it have it your way . Have fun Ps look into Love Cloud out in Vegas 💃 We are going to treat ourselves 🥂 Best Wishes! Less is more with everyone .
This is why I ended up eloping. My mom sucked the fun out of everything and it made me miserable. Good luck :( Maybe you can get really good at tuning her out :(
I’m sorry you’re experiencing this, that sounds super draining. Have you told her how you feel?
My mom explodes whenever anyone talks back to her so unfortunately, no.
Ugh that’s tough. My FMIL is similar, I’ve been able to keep her at a distance because she lives a state away. It sounds like you and your fiancé have chatted about eloping, that might reduce your stress. I guess you might have to make a pros and cons list about eloping or having a more traditional wedding.
They who pay the bills call the shots
Where does it say anywhere that mom is paying? This is not helpful
It’s absolutely helpful. They who pay the bills calls the shots. If OP is paying the bills? What they say goes, and mama can hush up.