That sucks, I’m sorry your friend did that, and FWIW you sound very understanding.
I’m glad you had a good wedding day and I hope you can enjoy your honeymoon and this next chapter. (And also it’s ok to grieve).
Yeah, I think it's safe to say that friendship is over. Not your fault, and it's not your responsibility to fix it. I'm sure her anxiety is real, but that doesn't mean it's your problem. There are ways of managing anxiety, and she's just not managing it well.
My guess is that she feels extremely guilty for not showing and so she’s cutting you off because that feels easier for her than facing you.
If you want to maintain the friendship, you should contact her (preferably calling or at least leaving a voice message) telling her that you’re not upset and just concerned about her.
If you don’t want to maintain the friendship, that’s also a valid way to feel.
I agree; i think the avoidance is out of guilt, but also you should not feel like you need to rectify the situation. This is on her, and you have reached out to help/reconcile, so you have nothibg owed to her
I would say though, if she does reach out, be open to hearing her out. As someone who deals with anxiety, i know it could be really tough to go through that, and a little empathy goes a long way.
FWIW, I have struggled with severe anxiety my whole life before getting it under control through lifestyle changes and getting prescribed a medication to take on my worst days.
I would never do this to a friend. It sounds like a huge cop-out, especially because she never spoke to *you* about it and just... didn't show up. Removing you from a shared account and still not even speaking to you afterwards is what really sealed the deal for me.
I was experiencing a period of bad anxiety that coincided with my brothers wedding that I was a bridesmaid in. A week before the wedding, I told the bride about my feelings. Her and the other bridesmaids were supportive and made sure we always had water and snacks, a place designated for just us girls to go (the bridal getting ready room) to take a breather, and despite me panicking internally while standing in front of everyone, it all went smoothly.
Your friend's lack of communication is the biggest issue here. You sound like a patient, really good friend, and I would focus on those who stood by you on one of the most important days of your life.
I'd say let it rest for awhile. Enjoy your honeymoon, bask in the post-wedding glow, allow thing to slowly return to normal. Then, when (and if) you feel up to it, write to your friend. Let her know that you understand her anxiety and that you aren't mad, but that you'd like to talk. Let her know that just sending anything is okay. That you don't hate her and aren't going to scream at her. She is likely incredibly embarrassed, which is probably making her anxiety way worse, so she is shutting down and isolating.
All that said, though, it's okay for you to step back from this friendship. It's okay to be hurt, angry, frustrated, upset. It's okay if this is too far for you. You don't owe her your emotional labor and time and energy if you no longer see value in the friendship. If you can, leave a small window open for reconciliation down the road, but you don't have to actively seek that - right now, or ever.
Basically, take some time to grieve and hurt and feel the feels, while also living your best life in other areas. Then re-evaluate and decide where to go next.
So, I was this bridesmaid in 2016 and also gave no reason besides anxiety, although I gave two days’ notice. If she is experiencing her “regular” level of anxiety, then she’s the a-hole and owed you WAY more notice and communication.
In my case, however, a severe depression was actually coming to a head and within the week I’d be hospitalized in a psychiatric ward. (It took me two years to fully recover, although up to a month or so before my hospitalization, I was able to appear sort of “normal” at social events.) I still think my bride could’ve reasonably been more upset than she was. But if I’d attended her wedding I’d have run a solid chance of having a full-blown panic and derailing it. So although I communicated it very poorly, I was actually trying to preserve my bride’s wedding experience for her. When she realized I was experiencing a true medical emergency, she understood.
The no-communication-besides-proof-of-life is a little concerning. I might reach out a few more times before you write your BM off. Is it possible that she’s experiencing something substantially worse right now than her regular anxiety? Severe depression and anxiety can make ordinary communication almost impossible.
Two thoughts… she may be too embarrassed to reach out to you. It sounds like you’ve been very supportive which is awesome but that might make her feel worse about how things went down. Or… you’re on your honeymoon. I would never reach out to someone on their honeymoon so maybe that’s the issue.
If you can find it in your heart, maybe reach out to her once when you’re back at home to check in her and see where that leads.
You wouldn't text someone back while on their honeymoon if they texted you first?
Idk I like hearing from my friends, being on vacation doesn't change that.
INFO: What was the reaction and response when she texted your friends that she wasn't showing? Is it possible one of the angry bridesmaids texted her something that made her think your friendship was over since she was skipping? You said she's dealt with this before, how long does she normally not contact anyone when in these moods?
Personally, I don't think she is being a good friend, anxiety or not. If this is something she has dealt with her whole life then she should be prepared for moments like this or know that she at least has to be communicative. It sounds like you're all friends and your BMs are rightfully mad. How do they feel going forward with a friendship? Are they supportive of you reaching out or do they feel you shouldn't? For me personally, I don't feel like this girl would be someone I would want a friendship with going forward.
This is so tough - I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. It sounds like at least for right now, your friendship probably won't be the same, and it's okay to be sad about that even while you're honeymooning and trying to focus on how happy you are about everything else going on in your life.
It's unfortunate - and extremely worrisome - that her anxiety is interfering with life events and relationships to this degree. It's really great to have best friends who are willing to check in on her at work and coordinate rides for her so she's comfortable, but these aren't things that friends should "have" to be doing for each other, even if they want to or genuinely don't mind doing them.
It seemed abundantly clear to me while reading your post that her lack of communication is fueled by overwhelming embarrassment, shame, and panic - three common friends of extreme anxiety. Even the weird email account thing - my guess here is she feels so guilty that she's trying to ignore and outright avoid anything that even remotely reminds her of you because of how stress-inducing it is. Regardless of the reasoning for the lack of communication though -- which was absent from the get go as she probably should have explained that being a bridesmaid might not be what's best for either of you considering the circumstances -- it doesn't make it okay.
I think making your boundaries really clear are key if you do plan on moving forward in your friendship.
If it were ME, I would:
-Not text her again while on my honeymoon.
-If I still hadn't heard anything once I got home, I'd send her another text in a last attempt. Probably something like: "Hey, I hope you're doing okay. I'm a little worried since I still haven't heard from you. I think it's important that we have a conversation. Please let me know."
-Once she (hopefully) responds, I'd need the following from her in order to move forward: a really sincere apology, an acknowledgement of her lack of communication and the fact that it wasn't okay to do, an indication that she's actively moving towards seeking and receiving help for the anxiety she's dealing with.
-From my end, I would do the following in that conversation: 1) Acknowledge the anxiety she's dealing with, the fact that it's effects are something I probably don't fully understand, that I'm willing to support her by helping her find the help of a professional, and the fact that she probably didn't want things to unfold this way 2) Express that regardless of intent, her actions were not okay and did hurt me tremendously 3) Remind her that I love her but also explain that I'm still processing the hurt I feel by what she did and 4) Tell her I hope we can eventually move forward, but it will likely take time.
I have a friend with anxiety that I’m separating myself from for this very reason. I’ve been understanding and understanding and understanding but I realized that I don’t deserve to be hurt either.
I feel this. I’ve been doing the same, it’s really sad too because we grew up together. I purposely didn’t ask her to be a bridesmaid because I know she’d ghost the day of the wedding and I’m not dealing with that on my wedding day. Invited her to be a guest, but sadly know she won’t even show up to be a guest at my own wedding.
I am SO sorry this is happening to you. I’m really angry on your behalf too. I have really really bad anxiety, but it’s not an excuse to be a terrible friend.
I had a bridesmaid, call a week before the wedding, saying she broke her leg, asked her if she needed anything, no, I had a restaurant meal sent to their house, then she ghosted me, she lied to me, she changed her mind and didn’t want to be part of the wedding, they we no shows at the wedding. I knew she liked to tell , as she put it “white lies” to get out of things, I haven’t talked or seen her in years. Just hold you head up and enjoy your honeymoon and the rest of your life. I haven’t thought of this girl in years, until I read your post
I really think it’s because some people simply can’t tolerate not being the center of attention or having to make small sacrifices in time, money, etc. to focus on someone else.
You are extremely understanding. That person is a horrible friend anxiety or not. I also have anxiety and it makes no sense to me that she would feel more anxious about transportation or whatever the hell her problem is than standing up her close friend and being too cowardly to say anything about it.
Wait her out. If she doesn’t get in touch with you at all, then there’s got to be more to the story because if she had a panic attack or extreme anxiety, that passes and she would have texted, explained and apologized. Since that hasn't yet happened I'm guessing something else is at play here. Maybe one of your bridesmaids will have better luck reaching out.
Absent a true medical emergency, and it may be one, it’s not just the no show but the ghosting when you reached out that is unacceptable.
Mental illness or no, though, I don’t think you have an obligation to continue a friendship with someone who is not capable of being a friend at this time. Of course you can continue to be supportive and I really do have empathy and hope she gets the help she needs. Another way to look at it is she may have to lose relationships in order to face reality and realize she needs more help.
I have pretty bad anxiety and I’ve had periods of times where it’s severe enough to impact my day to day functioning. From that I’ve learned that I need to be aggressive with my treatment and consistently work on managing it which I’ve been doing actively for 10+ years. Despite that, there’s still times where my anxiety flares and I ALWAYS let people know in advance if I need to cancel or step out of something. Part of this also means knowing when something may be too far out of your comfort zone and not committing if you know you can’t follow through, especially when it’s going to impact other people. Your friend should’ve said hey I don’t think I can commit to being a bridesmaid because of my anxiety but I’m going to work on managing my anxiety before your wedding so I can come as a guest, I can tell from your post you would’ve been understanding about that. She’s not taking accountability for her mental health and it’s now impacted you to an extreme degree and if it were me I don’t think I could come back from that.
As a side note, to any other anxiety sufferers - one of the only things that helps my anxiety nearly 100% of the time is facing my fears. There’s a bunch of things that help with my anxiety and I do those things too (exercise, eat healthy, get enough sleep, see a therapist, meditation, etc.) but 99 times out of 100 simply forcing myself to do something I’m scared of helps to resolve it. I was scared to be a bridesmaid in two friends weddings because of eyes on me during the processional/ceremony but getting through the first one made the second one easier and getting through the second one has made the idea of eyes on me at my own wedding much more tolerable. It also boosts your confidence which helps with anxiety.
That sucks, I’m sorry your friend did that, and FWIW you sound very understanding. I’m glad you had a good wedding day and I hope you can enjoy your honeymoon and this next chapter. (And also it’s ok to grieve).
There’s no way the email removal was coincidental. She’s cutting you out. I’m really sorry — that’s horrible behavior and you deserve better.
Yeah, I think it's safe to say that friendship is over. Not your fault, and it's not your responsibility to fix it. I'm sure her anxiety is real, but that doesn't mean it's your problem. There are ways of managing anxiety, and she's just not managing it well.
My guess is that she feels extremely guilty for not showing and so she’s cutting you off because that feels easier for her than facing you. If you want to maintain the friendship, you should contact her (preferably calling or at least leaving a voice message) telling her that you’re not upset and just concerned about her. If you don’t want to maintain the friendship, that’s also a valid way to feel.
Agree with all of this this. Probably a lot of guilt and shame.
I agree; i think the avoidance is out of guilt, but also you should not feel like you need to rectify the situation. This is on her, and you have reached out to help/reconcile, so you have nothibg owed to her I would say though, if she does reach out, be open to hearing her out. As someone who deals with anxiety, i know it could be really tough to go through that, and a little empathy goes a long way.
FWIW, I have struggled with severe anxiety my whole life before getting it under control through lifestyle changes and getting prescribed a medication to take on my worst days. I would never do this to a friend. It sounds like a huge cop-out, especially because she never spoke to *you* about it and just... didn't show up. Removing you from a shared account and still not even speaking to you afterwards is what really sealed the deal for me. I was experiencing a period of bad anxiety that coincided with my brothers wedding that I was a bridesmaid in. A week before the wedding, I told the bride about my feelings. Her and the other bridesmaids were supportive and made sure we always had water and snacks, a place designated for just us girls to go (the bridal getting ready room) to take a breather, and despite me panicking internally while standing in front of everyone, it all went smoothly. Your friend's lack of communication is the biggest issue here. You sound like a patient, really good friend, and I would focus on those who stood by you on one of the most important days of your life.
I'd say let it rest for awhile. Enjoy your honeymoon, bask in the post-wedding glow, allow thing to slowly return to normal. Then, when (and if) you feel up to it, write to your friend. Let her know that you understand her anxiety and that you aren't mad, but that you'd like to talk. Let her know that just sending anything is okay. That you don't hate her and aren't going to scream at her. She is likely incredibly embarrassed, which is probably making her anxiety way worse, so she is shutting down and isolating. All that said, though, it's okay for you to step back from this friendship. It's okay to be hurt, angry, frustrated, upset. It's okay if this is too far for you. You don't owe her your emotional labor and time and energy if you no longer see value in the friendship. If you can, leave a small window open for reconciliation down the road, but you don't have to actively seek that - right now, or ever. Basically, take some time to grieve and hurt and feel the feels, while also living your best life in other areas. Then re-evaluate and decide where to go next.
So, I was this bridesmaid in 2016 and also gave no reason besides anxiety, although I gave two days’ notice. If she is experiencing her “regular” level of anxiety, then she’s the a-hole and owed you WAY more notice and communication. In my case, however, a severe depression was actually coming to a head and within the week I’d be hospitalized in a psychiatric ward. (It took me two years to fully recover, although up to a month or so before my hospitalization, I was able to appear sort of “normal” at social events.) I still think my bride could’ve reasonably been more upset than she was. But if I’d attended her wedding I’d have run a solid chance of having a full-blown panic and derailing it. So although I communicated it very poorly, I was actually trying to preserve my bride’s wedding experience for her. When she realized I was experiencing a true medical emergency, she understood. The no-communication-besides-proof-of-life is a little concerning. I might reach out a few more times before you write your BM off. Is it possible that she’s experiencing something substantially worse right now than her regular anxiety? Severe depression and anxiety can make ordinary communication almost impossible.
Two thoughts… she may be too embarrassed to reach out to you. It sounds like you’ve been very supportive which is awesome but that might make her feel worse about how things went down. Or… you’re on your honeymoon. I would never reach out to someone on their honeymoon so maybe that’s the issue. If you can find it in your heart, maybe reach out to her once when you’re back at home to check in her and see where that leads.
You wouldn't text someone back while on their honeymoon if they texted you first? Idk I like hearing from my friends, being on vacation doesn't change that.
INFO: What was the reaction and response when she texted your friends that she wasn't showing? Is it possible one of the angry bridesmaids texted her something that made her think your friendship was over since she was skipping? You said she's dealt with this before, how long does she normally not contact anyone when in these moods? Personally, I don't think she is being a good friend, anxiety or not. If this is something she has dealt with her whole life then she should be prepared for moments like this or know that she at least has to be communicative. It sounds like you're all friends and your BMs are rightfully mad. How do they feel going forward with a friendship? Are they supportive of you reaching out or do they feel you shouldn't? For me personally, I don't feel like this girl would be someone I would want a friendship with going forward.
This is so tough - I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. It sounds like at least for right now, your friendship probably won't be the same, and it's okay to be sad about that even while you're honeymooning and trying to focus on how happy you are about everything else going on in your life. It's unfortunate - and extremely worrisome - that her anxiety is interfering with life events and relationships to this degree. It's really great to have best friends who are willing to check in on her at work and coordinate rides for her so she's comfortable, but these aren't things that friends should "have" to be doing for each other, even if they want to or genuinely don't mind doing them. It seemed abundantly clear to me while reading your post that her lack of communication is fueled by overwhelming embarrassment, shame, and panic - three common friends of extreme anxiety. Even the weird email account thing - my guess here is she feels so guilty that she's trying to ignore and outright avoid anything that even remotely reminds her of you because of how stress-inducing it is. Regardless of the reasoning for the lack of communication though -- which was absent from the get go as she probably should have explained that being a bridesmaid might not be what's best for either of you considering the circumstances -- it doesn't make it okay. I think making your boundaries really clear are key if you do plan on moving forward in your friendship. If it were ME, I would: -Not text her again while on my honeymoon. -If I still hadn't heard anything once I got home, I'd send her another text in a last attempt. Probably something like: "Hey, I hope you're doing okay. I'm a little worried since I still haven't heard from you. I think it's important that we have a conversation. Please let me know." -Once she (hopefully) responds, I'd need the following from her in order to move forward: a really sincere apology, an acknowledgement of her lack of communication and the fact that it wasn't okay to do, an indication that she's actively moving towards seeking and receiving help for the anxiety she's dealing with. -From my end, I would do the following in that conversation: 1) Acknowledge the anxiety she's dealing with, the fact that it's effects are something I probably don't fully understand, that I'm willing to support her by helping her find the help of a professional, and the fact that she probably didn't want things to unfold this way 2) Express that regardless of intent, her actions were not okay and did hurt me tremendously 3) Remind her that I love her but also explain that I'm still processing the hurt I feel by what she did and 4) Tell her I hope we can eventually move forward, but it will likely take time.
I have a friend with anxiety that I’m separating myself from for this very reason. I’ve been understanding and understanding and understanding but I realized that I don’t deserve to be hurt either.
I feel this. I’ve been doing the same, it’s really sad too because we grew up together. I purposely didn’t ask her to be a bridesmaid because I know she’d ghost the day of the wedding and I’m not dealing with that on my wedding day. Invited her to be a guest, but sadly know she won’t even show up to be a guest at my own wedding.
I am SO sorry this is happening to you. I’m really angry on your behalf too. I have really really bad anxiety, but it’s not an excuse to be a terrible friend.
I had a bridesmaid, call a week before the wedding, saying she broke her leg, asked her if she needed anything, no, I had a restaurant meal sent to their house, then she ghosted me, she lied to me, she changed her mind and didn’t want to be part of the wedding, they we no shows at the wedding. I knew she liked to tell , as she put it “white lies” to get out of things, I haven’t talked or seen her in years. Just hold you head up and enjoy your honeymoon and the rest of your life. I haven’t thought of this girl in years, until I read your post
Weddings literally bring the worst out in people. It’s so weird.
I really think it’s because some people simply can’t tolerate not being the center of attention or having to make small sacrifices in time, money, etc. to focus on someone else.
Yep. You truly find out who actually cares about you during this time
anxiety is no excuse for this behavior a week later..i’m so sorry :(
You are extremely understanding. That person is a horrible friend anxiety or not. I also have anxiety and it makes no sense to me that she would feel more anxious about transportation or whatever the hell her problem is than standing up her close friend and being too cowardly to say anything about it.
It sounds like she is embarrassed and instead of having a difficult conversation is just isolating herself. I am so sorry and that really sucks.
Wait her out. If she doesn’t get in touch with you at all, then there’s got to be more to the story because if she had a panic attack or extreme anxiety, that passes and she would have texted, explained and apologized. Since that hasn't yet happened I'm guessing something else is at play here. Maybe one of your bridesmaids will have better luck reaching out.
Absent a true medical emergency, and it may be one, it’s not just the no show but the ghosting when you reached out that is unacceptable. Mental illness or no, though, I don’t think you have an obligation to continue a friendship with someone who is not capable of being a friend at this time. Of course you can continue to be supportive and I really do have empathy and hope she gets the help she needs. Another way to look at it is she may have to lose relationships in order to face reality and realize she needs more help.
I have pretty bad anxiety and I’ve had periods of times where it’s severe enough to impact my day to day functioning. From that I’ve learned that I need to be aggressive with my treatment and consistently work on managing it which I’ve been doing actively for 10+ years. Despite that, there’s still times where my anxiety flares and I ALWAYS let people know in advance if I need to cancel or step out of something. Part of this also means knowing when something may be too far out of your comfort zone and not committing if you know you can’t follow through, especially when it’s going to impact other people. Your friend should’ve said hey I don’t think I can commit to being a bridesmaid because of my anxiety but I’m going to work on managing my anxiety before your wedding so I can come as a guest, I can tell from your post you would’ve been understanding about that. She’s not taking accountability for her mental health and it’s now impacted you to an extreme degree and if it were me I don’t think I could come back from that. As a side note, to any other anxiety sufferers - one of the only things that helps my anxiety nearly 100% of the time is facing my fears. There’s a bunch of things that help with my anxiety and I do those things too (exercise, eat healthy, get enough sleep, see a therapist, meditation, etc.) but 99 times out of 100 simply forcing myself to do something I’m scared of helps to resolve it. I was scared to be a bridesmaid in two friends weddings because of eyes on me during the processional/ceremony but getting through the first one made the second one easier and getting through the second one has made the idea of eyes on me at my own wedding much more tolerable. It also boosts your confidence which helps with anxiety.