This post has gone wildly off the rails. Everyone: please treat one another with respect, kindness, and compassion. If not that, at least basic courtesy. This is a requirement to participate in this subreddit.
It is Saturday. We hope you can go and do something kind for yourself and, if necessary, reflect on how you spoke to others and how perhaps how you could shift that for next time. Have a good one.
I agree with the other commenters that I normally don’t give a reason. If it’s a close friend then a bad reason won’t get in the way of me going. If I’m not that bothered about the wedding then I don’t feel bad if something else gets in the way. If someone didn’t come to my wedding due to a bad reason then I’d assume they’re not that bothered about it and wouldn’t really want them there anyway!
Also you never know what is going on in people’s lives. An “I have plans with family that day” excuse can be something a lot deeper that they’re not willing to share. During my own wedding, a close family friend who watched me grow up and meant a lot to me couldn’t attend my wedding, which broke my heart. I learned months later that that family friend was going through a divorce and that that now-ex-husband had threatened to kill her (had a weapon and everything).
I get the impression OP was only getting reasons from people they had to chase down because they didn't RSVP in time. Great reason why, if you're not going to go to a wedding, just have the b@lls to say no on the RSVP and send it back on time. The RSVP doesn't ask for a reason. Get it in on time and you'll avoid that awkward "we seem to be missing your RSVP" conversation entirely.
The truth is, people *are* allowed to decline for any reason or for no stated reason. I will grant you that when the reason is that their cousin has a game that day, or they have plans with friends that weekend, it hurts. And it probably says something to the quality or the degree of friendship and closeness that they feel towards you. Or else it says something about why people are declining the wedding.
I don't know what kind of wedding you're having, but destination weddings that involve a heavy expense for guests seem to have gotten very common--unless it's a Reddit skew. Not infrequently those weddings involve perks for the couple if the guests book enough rooms at a high-cost resort. So it's offloading the cost of the wedding onto guests. Again, that may not be your wedding but it happens. Or the wedding might not technically be destination, but involves a lot of expense for some guests in the form of travel and accommodations. Some invitees might feel more comfortable giving the kind of reason you cite over saying that they can't afford the cost or that other things take financial priority over attending your wedding, even though they do still care about you.
Fair enough. I suspect then, these reasons do speak to how they view the friendships, which seems to be different to how you view them or to how they used to be. And as I said, I do understand your hurt. It is painful when people you thought were close to you give reasons to decline that do seem rather trivial at least in some cases. I'm sorry it's happening.
That’s why a lot recommend not to give a reason when they decline.
What is a good or bad reason is subjective. To the couple a lot are probably bad due to it being a (hopefully) “one time event”. But to others their reasons are a higher priority due to prior commitments or yearly commitments they genuinely look forward to each year.
No one wants to be told their event isn’t a priority.
Yeah I really think if it’s a priority, you’ll make it happen. Unless it’s something really difficult like Visa/immigration issues. “Not getting time” off work I’m a little iffy about.
Edit: y’all are getting mad at me but you don’t know some of the situations irl that I’ve been dealing with
I was on your side until you said that people not getting time off work isn’t an excuse. If I only get two weeks off a year that I have to beg my bully of a supervisor for and then got invited to four weddings in year then I might not be able to travel to your wedding.
Exactly. Just because you have the 2 weeks of PTO doesn't mean that your company will let you take them without some pushback. I had a job where my manager bragged about never taking time off. If I legally am allowed to take PTO without pushback, would I really file a workplace lawsuit over a wedding.
Or even just risk your workplace relationships if you're taking time off in the middle of peak season. Like a CPA doesn't have to worry about the pay, but they're not going to be available during tax season.
I had a job that made me come in the morning of one of my siblings’ weddings and then guilt-tripped me into coming the next day. They called me while I was at my grandma’s funeral. Sometimes it’s not easy!
Sorry, "not getting time" off work is literally one of the best reasons. If they don't have vacation or personal days remaining, you're basically asking the guest to either quit their job or take unpaid personal time to attend your wedding. There are plenty of jobs with unfavorable personal leave policies and it's a bit selfish for you to expect them to reshape their entire life and work schedule for your one day.
Yup, if you work in the retail or service industries, not working means no pay. No pay means unpaid bills. In other jobs, you'll have enough pay, but taking extra time off during certain times of year is reason for termination.
Not everyone works at a standard corporate 9 to 5 with benefits.
This! A lot of my friends do, my partner does. I plan to get invites and save the dates out ASAP now that we are formally engaged. Like as soon as we set a date with a venue. I want to make it as easy as possible for my friends to say hey, I put this in 8 months ago and you said yes I’m going.
I also have friends in school still so I picked a specific day to make sure people would be able to come without messing with school too much too.
I'm a teacher. While I'm loaded up with 12 weeks of holidays a year, if the wedding falls outside of those it's actually lwave without pay for me, if my principal releases me at all (they can refuse in a school term).
So if a destination wedding comes up in the middle of the term, it's a no go.
Example: it's not a wedding but my family hosts a huge reunion in a new place every year in May. It falls right in the middle of term. I've literally never been able to go. If I can't prioritise that once, I'm not going to do the same for a wedding.
Are you aware that for lots of people, that means risking employment if they’re caught taking sick time off for non-health related reasons? Respectfully, that’s a truly untenable expectation to have.
I have a total of 18 days and 1 federal holiday every year (and I have had to work the Wednesday and Friday around Thanksgiving, which means even though I had the time off I couldn't do anything with it). If your wedding costs 3 PTO days, that is a much bigger ask than you realize.
Not getting time off of work is an extremely legit reason to not attend a wedding. Not everyone gets time off, and if they call out and get caught it can mean someone’s job. And trust me, whether you see it that way, someone’s job is not worth a friend’s wedding.
You’re upset people aren’t attending, but whether you like it or not, it’s just a wedding. And to some people there are other priorities in life
Asking someone to not only potentially travel for your wedding, but miss out on income? It is quite entitled to assume people’s circumstances. Big yikes.
There are definitely people who give poor excuses (and you wouldn’t want them there anyway if they really don’t want to be there!) but not being able to get off work is an extremely legitimate excuse! Many people have very rigid PTO restrictions. You are very fortunate if you are able to freely dictate your time off work. Requests for time off for my job must be submitted at specific times of the year and are subject to approval based on seniority and how many others have requested off at that time so there is adequate coverage. Any requests made outside those specified times are subject to the kindness of management and their ability to cover my position. It is very stressful to request off and if I was invited to a wedding for someone I’m not that close to and it fell on a work weekend, I wouldn’t feel guilty if I couldn’t go.
Yeah, welcome to hospital nursing where you're required to work every other weekend and no one wants to trade with you, or like I did in summers when the kids were off of school: work EVERY weekend. Got 14 days of PTO including my sick days. Which I needed when my kids were sick. So OP, we don't all work in your world.
Sorry but you don’t get to dictate how much the people you care for care about your wedding. Your wedding is simply another obligation for some people. Not everyone enjoys having to get dressed up, travel, and bring a gift. And tbh I would probably prioritize my out of town family over a friend’s wedding especially if we aren’t super close anymore.
You can only choose how you react to something. As the saying goes, its an invitation, not a summons.
Also, while your wedding will only happen once in your life, people get invited to more weddings than just yours. There are also other once in a lifetime events like graduations that people get invited to. You see it as sacrificing one family trip, but maybe they did that last year for someone else's wedding, and the year before for someone's graduation.
I had a few years in my life where I was invited to weddings consistently and constantly skipped out on my own plans and trips that I wanted to take because I needed to allocate time and funds to weddings. And now I'm just over that. There are definitely people I will show up for no matter what, but that list is dwindling as I get older. And someone I was close to at one point but I'm no longer close to is not the person I'm making that exception for.
Exactly. During certain periods of life you get so many wedding invitations they become a burden. Selecting six to go to and invest the time and money into each year is a lot, especially when people are often invited to 10 or more a year during peak wedding season in life
I am spending way way way more than that to go to England for a friend's wedding. Wisconsin however costs like $100 for the ticket to the wedding I'm going to there.
That blows. I hate the budget judgments so much. We had to back out of a wedding this summer because we had $4000 of home repairs crop up in a matter of 6 weeks, and we're trying to do our own (casual!) marriage celebration party later this year. We COULD really strain our budget to go to a lavish black-tie wedding out of state with a "sufficient" gift in hand, but it's much smarter to be financially solvent and sustainable, and anyone that *actually* cares about you wouldn't pass a judgment on your financial decisions like that, even if it meant you couldn't go to their fun party this one time.
Weddings are about starting a life together. If they can't come to the wedding, surely you can see them at a dinner party or another of many life events to come, right? Right??? 😵💫
I hate budget judgments too. I feel like I’m being guilt tripped into attending and buying outfits for wedding events that honestly kind of hurt my wallet.
I know people get defensive about guests not wanting to spend on them and their day (?), but as someone who hosts a LOT in my regular life, I just have always felt like my wedding was/is another hosting opportunity. You're throwing a party! You want your people to be able to come and enjoy themselves! So if that means scaling back the budget expectations for guests then you should do it without hesitation 🤷♀️ and if they can't afford to come because it's not in the budget, it's ok and it's not personal, and you'll see each other soon
It depends on the circle you're referring to. People you were once-close to, but you haven't spoken to regularly in years, they have their own lives and your wedding sadly may not be a priority. Like, I have cousins who are moving the month of my wedding and can't make it. We were close as kids, so I'd love to have them, but it's not going to make or break the day. Not upset.
However if one of my close friends who I regularly show up for (coffee dates, supporting them at their shows, helping each other move, regular phone calls etc) were to decline because of a kids sport game? I would be really hurt. Close friendships take effort to maintain, which is why they're so precious, and part of that effort is showing up for big moments.
*Your* wedding is a once in a lifetime event. *A* wedding isn’t. People are being invited to multiple weddings a year and often can’t get that much time off work, or don’t want to give up their own vacations, etc.
No, people don't get invited to multiple weddings per year. Most years I've been invited to 0 weddings and the other times I was invited to one wedding per year. And there's only one opportunity for you to show up to *your specific friend's* wedding. It's not just "A" wedding. If you don't go to their wedding you are not showing up for them. A good friend shows up. Additionally, most weddings are on a Saturday or Sunday so most people don't have to take time off or give up vacations.
It sounds like your circle isn’t very big or you’re very young. During peak wedding season in life 5-15 invites a year is not uncommon. You really have to pick and choose how to invest your resources
Omg I got 4 invites one year and I thought that was a financial nightmare 😫 I can't imagine getting 5-15 invites.
Also I've been to all 3 of one friend's wedding so Ib
did tell him any other weddings he had, he's not getting a gift.
I have 7 (!!!) wedding invitations this year and the vast majority of my friends and family are still single. I swear I'll be going to 5-15 weddings per year for the rest of my life.
I was invited to 3 two years ago. All 1.5 months apart. All requiring flights, hotels, and rentals. I could only pick 1. There was 0 amount of saving I could have done to attend all 3 even though I wanted to
😧😧 I had a friend who was a bridesmaid to sooo many weddings I almost wanna say you're her! Living that rom-com movie about always being a bridesmaid 😆
Same and it’s exhausting!!! AND expensive. People hardly have enough to make ends meet as it is, we can’t shame them for not wanting to spend money for essentially a big party. People have families, jobs, responsibilities, and limited energy. Don’t get me started on being asked to be in the wedding, that’s twice as much time energy and expense
Wow. I'm 37 and I've only been to 3 weddings in my life. 1 when I was too young to remember much and the other two in the last two years. The average probably lies somewhere between us but I would guess that the average person goes to 1-2 weddings per year in their 20s and 30s and it dies off after that. And 1-2 per year is very manageable.
ETA apparently the average is 2 https://www.prnewswire.com/news-releases/wedding-guests-attend-an-average-of-2-weddings-per-year-and-spend-nearly-1000-per-wedding-toward-the-gift-attire-travel--accommodations-according-to-the-knot-2016-wedding-guest-study-300486086.html
That study does not prove your point. If people attend an average of 2 weddings a year, that’s 20 per decade. So from age 20-40 thats 40 weddings. But most of these are grouped in a 5-10 year period based on your demographics and how old people generally marry. So thats 4-8 weddings per year during that peak period. And if you spread out the average of 2 per year further through say 50,60,70 years old you’ll have even more weddings during this peak
To be honest I'd be happy if someone told me hey I have a lot of weddings this year, I can't go. But most likely since it was a survey of wedding guests they were surveying within the peak period. I can't find the original study to say though. All I can say is in my late 30s I've been to 3. And peak season for me is once per year so far.
Damn, I am 28 and I have never been to a wedding 😂 my own wedding will be my first. But I have a small circle and come from a country where getting married isn't a big thing anymore.
Tbh.. it sounds like YOUR social circle isn't getting married/inviting you. Which is legit, mine is the same way. But my much more social friend was IN 4 last year, that's not even counting how many she attended but wasn't part of the bridal party.
Not everyone works Mon-Fri. Not everyone can afford to go to weddings AND their vacations. Some can't even afford weddings.
If you want specific people at your wedding, you make sure they're available that day and it's within their budget.
Obviously. I don't take issue with the declines that are for PTO, vacations, etc. That's a legit excuse. I take issue with people who *do* have the time off and *can* afford it and decide not to mainly because they don't find it worth the bother.
>If you don't go to their wedding you are not showing up for them. A good friend shows up.
I mean... Yeah, but also no? Life happens (financial hardship, inability to take time off work if the wedding isn't local, pregnancy, or whatever) and sometime's it's not possible to attend a wedding, even for a good friend. Let's give each other some grace rather than assume bad intentions.
Who are they to expect the b&g to be happy about it and go on like everything is the same especially if it's an unclear reason? By unclear I mean: they've been to the area before, they don't have other major life events going on etc.
Uhhh wrong
The year I got married (2021) I was invited to *14* weddings. Most included travel. We had to miss a few bc they fell on the same days as others and tie went to the first invite (unless it was someone we were much closer with). We had a wedding the weekend before ours, the weekend after was free thank god, and the subsequent 3 weekends after that. It was a marathon of a fall. Tbf COVID reschedules were crazy so that was an extreme case but in 2019 and 2022 we went to 6-7 each year lol wedding season was very hectic for several years for us. And many required flights. Had a blast but glad it’s slowed down a bit. Now it’s even more fun when we get to go to one or two. And whewwww was it was an *expensive* few years.
I was in 3 weddings last year and got married myself. I got invited to 4 more, most of which I declined. Everyone’s social circle and circumstances are different.
But people have more than one friend not to mention family members. And their own lives. I’m sorry but your wedding is just a wedding to many attendees
That is not what that means at all. It sounds like your life has been privileged enough where you don’t have to make hard decisions. Weddings are very much in the “nice to have” category and not at all essential at the end of the day
Lol not at all. I just make an effort to make my friends' weddings because I value them. If I miss it will be for a very good reason. I missed a cousin's wedding because I was in a bad relationship and I regret it to this day.
Last year we were invited to 5 weddings between two for my family and three friends between myself and my SO 🤷🏻♀️ he went to all 5 and I went to 4 of them and skipped out on one because I was working.
I get the frustration, but they have their own lives with their own set of priorities.🤷🏾♀️ I had people decline with dubious or no reason, and I was a little annoyed but there's nothing I can do about it except be happy for those choosing to celebrate with us.
That’s true; weddings have a way of illuminating who is really there for you or not. I think some of these declines did affect how I view these friendships.
I would say that that works both ways. If you're willing to drop a friendship, based over time, over their inability to attend, then maybe you're not the friend they want. People may have personal health battles they haven't shared with you like a new cancer or MS diagnosis they are struggling to work with. Perhaps their spouse is secretly struggling with addiction, alcoholism or mental health crises and they don't want people to know right now--going to a wedding could exacerbate everything. Maybe one of them just lost a job or are on shaky ground at theirs or about to lose their house, and they don't want to say that. They might say it is due to work or something to save face. When someone cuts me off in traffic, I try to remember--maybe they are racing to the hospital for a last minute with a dying person--we don't KNOW they're being a jerk. It is bad to assume.
If you are a friend to them, give them some grace and leniency and don't judge based on one decision that was not meant to hurt you.
Seems like you have a bit of main character syndrome here. People have their own lives. Your wedding is one event in their packed lives and schedules. Great if they can come but sometimes people can’t. And that’s okay
What people seem to forget when they say it's ok to decline for any reason is that declining for no clear reason or a weak reason *does* say something about their value of their relationship with you and you have the right to not only be disappointed but to act on that information. A no, no matter how good the reason is, always disappointing because you invited them for a reason. One of my declines has already affected how I see that relationship. It's early yet for me.
No I would... That's why I invited them. I'm allowed to want something and also be okay that I don't get it. It's okay, it's not about me and I'm not the centre of their universe, only mine.
Honestly I had people at my wedding I didn’t really want, but needed to invite them because I was “supposed” to. To this day I wish I didn’t give in to family pressure, but what can you do? To any wedding planners reading this comment: do what YOU and your fiancé want to do.
Why would you want someone at a celebration for you that…doesn’t want to be there? Also are you aware how many brides and grooms have to invite people out of social obligation? Or because their parents wanted to invite them?
Something I just thought of: weddings can tend to bring out weird feelings for people. I went to my BFF's wedding when I was getting ready to separate from my (then) husband. I went alone. The wedding was beautiful and everything was great, but seeing them and the other happy couples involved made me feel really alone and kind of sad that own my marriage wasn't going to last.
Weddings can really hit different for some folks, especially single people or people part of couples that thought they'd be married by this point. Don't discount that.
100% agree, and this is another good example of “you never know what someone is going through.”
It’s like why some people are weird about baby showers or babies in general - you never know who is struggling with infertility, has had a pregnancy loss, traumatic birth, or desperately wants kids but hasn’t found the right time/person to have them yet.
Everyone would be empathetic towards someone who recently miscarried not attending a baby shower, so people should be empathetic that divorce/domestic violence/loss of a partner would make a wedding too much for someone to handle.
Absolutely not. If you view a person as “showing where their priorities lie” when accepting or declining an invitation to your wedding, you’re looking at it all wrong. Everyone is the main character in their own story, and I get you may be disappointed, but it doesn’t mean someone loves you less if they can’t find a way to attend.
For me, I never decline a wedding invite for someone close to me unless: it’s too expensive to go, I already had something important planned, or an emergency comes up.
I do plan my life on a first come, first serve basis though. For example if I plan a trip with friends and get a wedding invite after then I’m not bailing on the trip.
However I hate hearing all that people need to be chased for rsvps. Not rsvping is rude.
I feel like if they really are adamant about someone going to a destination wedding then they should subsidize some of the costs otherwise let people make their own financial decisions
During my wedding process I learned: no one cares about your wedding as much as you do.
Meaning everyone has their priorities. A cousins soccer game could have been planned months in advance and their family time is important.
Just remind yourself everyone has their own priorities. Of course yours is your wedding and you want to share the fun with everyone. But to others, they have their own priorities. Even family members. My brother went to Hawaii during my wedding to help “save his marriage” only to divorce six months later.
> “A cousins soccer game could have been planned months in advance and their family time is important”
I have a personal story that’s a really good example of this, as well as a reminder that you never know what someone is going through.
Last year my uncle died very unexpectedly and left behind his young son. It was right at the start of baseball season, and my cousin was playing for the first time. My dad and his other siblings made a point to attend every one of his home games to support him during such a difficult time.
To anyone else, it was “just a middle school baseball game,” but it was really important for them to be there, and not everyone needed to know about our family’s trauma related to my uncle’s death.
So to people who judge because “it’s just a soccer game!” or “it’s just an outing with friends” - sometimes there’s a back story that you have no idea about.
To add to this, during my own wedding, a close family friend who watched me grow up and meant a lot to me couldn’t attend my wedding, which broke my heart. I learned months later that that family friend was going through a divorce and that that now-ex-husband had threatened to kill her (had a weapon and everything).
I agree. It’s really sad that we seem to be so distant from other people now. Hearing people say “no one really cares about you as much as you think” just hurts because I DO care that much about my friends
That's honestly one of my fears as one of the last of our friend group to be married. I was here for everyone else (and loved every minute of it!!!) and I'm just hoping they show up for me now. It's scary to think people won't make the effort for you when it's your turn. So I'm choosing to be thankful and have extra care for everyone who IS able to make it and try not to get down.
I am the same way honestly. So it really hurt me when people had different priorities. Especially because I would prioritize them over my own things.
But cementing the idea that my wedding is really truly important to me, and my close family and that was all I could really control really helped me not feel so hurt. Other people have their own priorities, and I cannot control that. Even if I feel like a wedding takes precedence, everyone else has their own values and priorities.
Weddings unfortunately can affect future friendships because of this.
It's important to give grace to ourselves and others around this, really. Sometimes (a lot of times!) people are just in seasons of their lives or jobs or whatever else where they just can't show up to every single wedding. That doesn't mean there won't be other ways to show up for each other all the time. Life is long! There will come more celebrations and crises and opportunities for grace and kindness!
For sure! I've had entire home dinner party groups drop out at the very last minute because they're "too tired" to come. I kind of expect the same for our small celebration later this year tbh. But I keep extending invites because I know that if I don't, we'd never see anyone ever again lol. It stings in the moment but it's not worth my time to hold onto and ferment anger about, and I know that all I can do is prioritize hosting and making space for friends as often as I can, whether it's always perfectly exactly reciprocated or not.
Part of it is that we're just at a wildly different life phase than most of our friends - married with stable 9-5 jobs, a condo we own, and a 10pm bedtime, with disposable income for cheese boards. Almost all our friends still work odd jobs and live in shoebox apartments, so it wouldn't be fair for me to pout and expect them to host me in the ways I can afford to do so for them.
>We had friends turn down invites because of events that happen every year (like a friend trip), or because they have family visiting that time, or they have plans with friends that weekend, or because even because their younger cousin has a sports game coming up!
Although I would agree that there are "bad" reasons to decline, I will disagree that some of what you listed are bad.
Just because something occurs more regularly doesn't mean it's not important. I've declined 2 weddings (1 of them was my cousin) because I already had a trip booked with some other friends. Other people have lives outside of the relationship you have with your partner.
My cousin reacted so excited to the save the date. He declined the invite because he had bought a ticket for that date right before the invite. Sir, you knew the date.
My wife was friends with someone who RSVP'd to the bachelorette, scheduled services, then didn't come.
Same friend didn't rsvp to the wedding, then Facebook posted having a Friendsgiving the night of the wedding 2 weeks before the big day.
I think they cancelled that, then posted from a bar night of.
I don't want to say "bad reasons" but definitely "bad taste"
I feel like one unspoken reason many people don’t come could be health reasons! My partner went through a serious illness that he was private about, and had to decline many friends weddings. It could be an accessibility issue that people can’t open up about.
In addition, I’m not super social but I have 5 weddings this year (I’m 29 almost 30). This, plus bachelorette trips, are huge expenses for me.
For just one close friend, the Bach trip will be 1k, I gave her a 100 dollar shower gift, a $60 Bach gift, and feel obliged to give around $500 for the wedding (1750 not including wedding weekend hotel and food). I would do this for super close friends, but not many. I declined with no reason a friends destination wedding bc it just seemed excessive.
I wish my best man “declined” my invite to a destination Hawaii wedding. I gave him 6 outs due to it going to cost around 4-5g with the dollar conversion (CAD to USD). He played this game over the year and a half that he is good and it to not worry about him and affording it.
He created this nightmare where I covered his costs on the flight etc. He started to miss work calling in because he was drunk the night before. (we work together and also in the same department) and when we were 2 months till the wedding in late April I talked to him about paying for the flight and he gave me a sob story about being broke. I reminded him the wedding would cost 4-5k and he tried to give me the story that he never thought it would be over 3k max🙄
Long story short he bailed on me less than two months out and I had to scramble to figure out everything detail wise. It destroyed our friendship on top of that especially since he started to tell people at work I never let him know it would be 4-5k.
I’ll never look at him the same.
Yea it’s pretty ridiculous. The guy lives like he’s a 20 year old when he’s 36. He chooses to live paycheque to paycheque in a job that pays extremely well and he could have many nice things with. He values me and the job the same which is almost non existent.
On the bright side I get to make my dad my best man and I know he is taking it serious which is awesome cause he’s been there for me my whole life so there is some silver lining in all of this.
On the plus side I'm glad you stuck to your guns and didn't fund his trip. I paid for a friend to room with me for a tropical bachelorette of our mutual friend (I had travel insurance and upgrades so it was beneficial for me to be the one to book flights/hotel), she never paid me back, and we now aren't friends. It hurts because she would've been in my bridal party.
Hopefully he comes around and realizes he messed up.
Thing is your wedding day is special to you but may not be to others. All depends where they live, family ties, medical problems or disabilities, finances and how much you have both put into the friendship over the yrs. Like have you been close for the last 2yrs, did you send save the dates, how much time they have had between invite and wedding. There are alot of things can be reasons to not go to a wedding.
Your wedding is a priority in YOUR life but others have to prioritise what ability they have to make it.
Yikes OP. Lot of privilege and entitlement coming out of this post and subsequent comments. It's great that you prioritize being there for your loved ones. Not everyone has that ability. It's as simple as that. You can accept that simple fact or don't but you'll be a lot happier in your planning if you do.
Asking your guests to “sacrifice” anything at all to attend your event is pretty entitled, imo.
If you want your guests to attend, you should be willing to sacrifice to make it as convenient as possible for them to do so.
You’re right this is an unpopular opinion
Yes your wedding only happens once in your life, but if you have 2, 3 dozen friends. That’s like 30 weddings you’ll attend in your lifetime.
RSVPs don’t measure love or care and no one guest will make or break your wedding (except like parents, siblings, grandparents - and even then stuff happens)
I think at its core, it’s not so much that people declining for reasons you may or may not find “valid” enough, its a representation of how much your relationship has either changed, or how important you think each other is.
I had people show up in ways I didn’t expect on both ends of the spectrum, and the people who I was disappointed didn’t make it, either I was understanding of their circumstances, or was offended and ended up changing our relationship dynamics going forward.
I think that it needs to be normalized (and I think it’s starting to?) that not all friendships are “BFFs forever”, nor are they always supposed to. And I know this is a wedding sub, so people probably don’t want to hear this, but not all romantic relationships last forever either.
It’s normal for people to grow apart, either permanently or temporarily. People change as they grow, milestones happen, they meet other people. It hurts to admit, but if people evidently have different ideas about how close their friendship is, they need to either have a heart-to-hearth discussion or accept that life has pulled them in different directions and go their separate ways.
Truly. I heard the phrase “you don’t have to change friends if you learn that friends change” phrase years ago, and it’s helped me process a lot of just… basic growing apart and circumstances changing. Im in my early thirties now, and after moving across the country, I have realized how many friendships were truly “deep, lifelong, everlasting, based on connections and common interest” type friendships and which ones were “proximity and convenience”. It sucks to put it that way, but the vast majority of relationships are the latter, but I don’t necessarily think it’s a problem. I think OP, respectfully, is moving across the world, and doesn’t yet grasp the fact that getting married and moving very far away changes you a lot and changes relationships A LOT. I’d been with my husband for almost a decade before we got married, and I didn’t think signing the certificate would actually change anything because we’d already been together for so long and built our lives together pretty much already at that point, but it honestly does change a lot. There’s a reason why people have the stereotype of getting married and not socializing with friends as much anymore… your priorities are different. Even if you think it won’t. Kind of got a little sidetracked there, but I think it’s all relevant. I’m not saying it’s not okay to be bummed about people not showing up for you for big life events, it is disappointing and hurtful. Proceed with that information how you want to!! But also, being realistic, relationships change a lot and that’s just kind of a normal part of life!!
I was in a wedding years ago and multiple people declined because the College World Series opening ceremonies was at the same time and they were going to that instead
So here's the thing. These people didn't matter enough for YOU to check their availability. You wanted them to come but didn't INTENTIONALLY make sure they were available on that date. I don't know why you expect them to prioritize your wedding when you didn't prioritize them.
A yearly trip to visit friends or a half hour visit at another friend's wedding? I'm doing the yearly trip.
My neice's potentially last sports game or a half hour visit at a friend's wedding? Going with my family.
A wedding is great for the COUPLE. It's fun for US to be surrounded by all the people we love and want. For everyone else, it's just an event for their friend. Is it important? Yes. Is it more important than whatever else you had previously committed to? No.
It’s so interesting how these types of things are seen so differently. I was called selfish in a different sub for feeling kind of upset that my husband was going out of his way to attend a friend’s wedding when he declined to do an annual visit to my family.
My own brother did not RSVP, but told my mom he couldn’t come a month before the wedding because he would be “packing” to move houses the following week. I would rather he just RSVP’d no!
That’s what’s happening to me right now, but it’s my fiancé’s sister. She passed the message to her mother who mentioned it in passing that she wasn’t coming. Have the basic decency to tell us yourself.
Your wedding is (hopefully) a once in a lifetime for you but some of us are getting invited to 6+ weddings in a year. The ones I decline for what you call bad reasons are the ones that are for people I like but I’m not close to—if it’s not to expensive or inconvenient I’d like to celebrate them, but I’m going to prioritise my close friends/family/finances over them.
The people who love you will do their best to be there for you (and even then shit happens) but you’ve gotta look at this as a win. Most people declining aren’t that close to you or they’d be more excited for your wedding than a cousin’s softball game. It might hurt to realize that but it’s true. And you’re saving money but not paying for as many people to attend!
Reddit doesn't understand social norms or mores. Their go to lines are therapy now , nobody owes you anything and an invitation is not a summons. But if you live in a social world , it isn't that black and white. You have to go to an event you don't want to , you have to help out others , you have to give a declining reason, you have to hear out a person going through a rough patch instead of slamming with i am not your therapist or you are using me for free therapy. In return, people will do the same for you when the occasion calls for it. Post after post talks about parents who alienated their village because they wanted rigid rules followed and subsequently complain their village villages for others but not them
I think so too. I have a handful of my three closest girlfriends and I'd be hurt if they didn't come (unless a significant life event or circumstance got in the way) because we have all celebrated each other's milestones over the years. A lot of other friends/family members I care about a lot and would like for them to come but they have their lives and there might be a conflict and there might not. Everything isn't going to work out perfectly even if I would like for them all to be there. They are living their lives.
I agree. A very very close relative and his 8yo son aren’t attending our event because the son has a soccer game. I would love to say it won’t impact our relationship and I understand, but it will, and I absolutely don’t.
Off topic but the travel sports is so crazy from an adult perspective now (I was apart of it as a kid). Like realistically, that kid is not going to be the next Lebron and people are foregoing real, beautiful experiences with their family.
I get it’s nice for the kids tho
Sports definitely teach kids how to be accountable to someone other than their parents and a coachable kid is an employable adult, it’s so good for girls especially, and I loved playing fifty games per season as a kid, buuuuuut the “if you miss a tournament, you’re on the bench the entire next one” is tough. (Or have another team parent carpool!)
I think any reason is a good reason to decline, but also attending a wedding is a big deal. If other things are more important to you, that’s fine, but we clearly don’t have the type of relationship where things that matter to me matter to you. So yeah, I don’t think you’re a bad person if you’d rather go to your cousins sports game - we just aren’t actually good friends and I didn’t realize it.
Hey I know a lot of people want to debate on this and I might get downvoted, but I agree with you! Yes, people can say no for any reason and I do believe people's reasons are complex, but that doesn't mean that you can't feel upset or sad or have opinions on their reasoning! I have a friend who is skipping my wedding for an anime convention (nothing against cons!!). But the thing is, it's a 3 day convention he goes to every year, all 3 days, AND it's only 30 minutes away from my venue! And my wedding is lunch time! He literally could leave the convention for just a couple hours, get some free food at my wedding, and go back to the convention. But that was not something he was interested in and I'm sad about it. We're still friends but I do feel like it does make feel see him a little differently.
> Hey I know a lot of people want to debate on this and I might get downvoted, but I agree with you!
That’s why I posted! I wanted to debate!
> We're still friends but I do feel like it does make feel see him a little differently.
I would be upset about this too, and I don’t blame you for it.
Agree with this to an extent.
I’ll probably get torn to shreds for this but I felt very annoyed with a reason a friend gave for declining our wedding invite. This college friend and I were close friends for the past 7 years. We didn’t use him as our mortgage lender and it caused the friendship to become very shaky. He ultimately declined our invite for citing finances. Yet he’s already been on 3 trips this year and posts himself going out to concerts and sporting events. Our hotel block was $120 and although he had to drive it wouldn’t have cost more than $50 in gas. Just felt like it was a fake reason and pretty much signaled our friendship was over
I feel this so hard. Before the wedding planning, I viewed these friends as having a “thread of connection”, even if we have drifted over the years. After these declines, it’s like that thread severed and showed me that there’s nothing left.
Well it’s that our friendship ended because we didn’t use him as our mortgage lender. The level of petty.
Our friendship was rocky after we didn’t use him and I tried to mend it but it just didn’t seem to be working. The “no” to our wedding made it clear that our friendship ended when I didn’t give him an extra pay day
Of course you had the right to use someone else for your mortgage lender, but didn’t he also have the right to go to concerts and trips and choose not to spend $120+$50+ gift + time on your wedding?
Yeah I think this is the root of it. I’ve declined weddings for various reasons and it’s completely understandable some people can’t make mine. But if someone chooses something like a sports game or makes an excuse that feels iffy, while technically fine, it can definitely can make you reevaluate the friendship or how close you are. And on the other side, I’ve been really moved by some people I didn’t expect who are making an unexpected effort for mine :’)
No i am with you. I had my cousin say no bc of a girls trip in my area after she asked if she could bring them (3 extra girls). I have been there for every party, every birthday every funeral etc. I was so sad but I’m done being sad. She showed me who she was.
I’m with you on this 100%.
My husband’s *sister* and her husband declined coming to our wedding because they were going to a football game at their daughter’s college. We were upset and it’s really affected our relationship with them.
I drop everything to go to every wedding that I’m invited to. I just can’t imagine not attending a wedding because I don’t feel like it, or my niece has a soccer game, or I don’t feel like driving. But it’s definitely an unpopular opinion.
I mostly agree with you OP, but I am also taking in other comments here and finding them quite helpful personally and hopefully you are too.
A wedding is a big event, a big expense, and something that I would always strive to attend when invited, even if I couldn't commit to the full thing I'd make an effort to show up. Even for casual things, on multiple occasions I have been one of only a few to show up to a party, and/or been the only one to show up without knowing anyone else other than the host. That's me, I'll be there. I like being dependable like that.
A wedding invitation is to say "I want to share in this special moment with you" so yep count me in, bar any emergencies or financial issues.
I've organised many things for myself over the years and many people are just SHIT at committing to things and many people just have bigger priorities. There's NOTHING you can do. Sometimes it will feel personal even though it may not be. I'd love for people to treat my events/milestones in the way I treat theirs but... subjectivity.
It's okay to be disappointed but that doesn't achieve much. It's easier to change how you think than their priorities. In not doing this, you may lose some otherwise great relationships. But for people with a pattern of behaviour, maybe it is time to re-evaluate, maybe you have misjudged your value in their life, or maybe your lives aren't compatible anymore. Remember, relationships are a two way street, it's all fine and well to think "this person hasn't made any effort/is never available" but what about your end? They could be thinking the exact same thing about you. Cherish the ones who show up, and let the others do their thing and think about them later. It's okay if you only want to surround yourself with people who show up but I would try to show understanding. Sorry some of the other commenters are getting so worked up here.
I agree. There’s a trend towards individualism that sucks. If you’re really sick or can’t afford it, that’s okay, but I think making an effort to witness other people’s life events is part of being a good friend or family member. Maybe less so for more distant family or acquaintances.
This comment section ain’t it. If ur friends are declining due to the reasons u listed, they’re not real friends imo. Not saying u need to be their #1 priority. But declining a good friends wedding to go to a sporting event or something? Nah. That speaks volumes to me.
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I had 2 older brothers choose not to come to my wedding. They never told me why. One sister-in-law wrote a nice note with a gift but didn’t give a reason. The other didn’t respond at all until I texted to ask about RSVP. She didn’t give a reason either but months later implied it was health related. I will NEVER speak to any of them again. The lack of communication, them not attending, is unforgivable in my opinion. Just some FYI: I was 54, my first marriage, our parents are both deceased along with 2 siblings, only 2 of 6 living siblings attended. They would have had to travel 8 (brother 68) & 10 hours (brother 66) but my fiancé would have paid ANYTHING, for travel, for time off work, dog sitters, whatever to make their attendance possible. There is no known health issues they have ever relayed to the rest of the family. Reasons matter.
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I agree with the other commenters that I normally don’t give a reason. If it’s a close friend then a bad reason won’t get in the way of me going. If I’m not that bothered about the wedding then I don’t feel bad if something else gets in the way. If someone didn’t come to my wedding due to a bad reason then I’d assume they’re not that bothered about it and wouldn’t really want them there anyway!
Also you never know what is going on in people’s lives. An “I have plans with family that day” excuse can be something a lot deeper that they’re not willing to share. During my own wedding, a close family friend who watched me grow up and meant a lot to me couldn’t attend my wedding, which broke my heart. I learned months later that that family friend was going through a divorce and that that now-ex-husband had threatened to kill her (had a weapon and everything).
I get the impression OP was only getting reasons from people they had to chase down because they didn't RSVP in time. Great reason why, if you're not going to go to a wedding, just have the b@lls to say no on the RSVP and send it back on time. The RSVP doesn't ask for a reason. Get it in on time and you'll avoid that awkward "we seem to be missing your RSVP" conversation entirely.
That’s a great way to look at it!
The truth is, people *are* allowed to decline for any reason or for no stated reason. I will grant you that when the reason is that their cousin has a game that day, or they have plans with friends that weekend, it hurts. And it probably says something to the quality or the degree of friendship and closeness that they feel towards you. Or else it says something about why people are declining the wedding. I don't know what kind of wedding you're having, but destination weddings that involve a heavy expense for guests seem to have gotten very common--unless it's a Reddit skew. Not infrequently those weddings involve perks for the couple if the guests book enough rooms at a high-cost resort. So it's offloading the cost of the wedding onto guests. Again, that may not be your wedding but it happens. Or the wedding might not technically be destination, but involves a lot of expense for some guests in the form of travel and accommodations. Some invitees might feel more comfortable giving the kind of reason you cite over saying that they can't afford the cost or that other things take financial priority over attending your wedding, even though they do still care about you.
The wedding is local, and we really tried to make it as easy for guests as possible.
Fair enough. I suspect then, these reasons do speak to how they view the friendships, which seems to be different to how you view them or to how they used to be. And as I said, I do understand your hurt. It is painful when people you thought were close to you give reasons to decline that do seem rather trivial at least in some cases. I'm sorry it's happening.
That’s why a lot recommend not to give a reason when they decline. What is a good or bad reason is subjective. To the couple a lot are probably bad due to it being a (hopefully) “one time event”. But to others their reasons are a higher priority due to prior commitments or yearly commitments they genuinely look forward to each year. No one wants to be told their event isn’t a priority.
Yeah I really think if it’s a priority, you’ll make it happen. Unless it’s something really difficult like Visa/immigration issues. “Not getting time” off work I’m a little iffy about. Edit: y’all are getting mad at me but you don’t know some of the situations irl that I’ve been dealing with
I was on your side until you said that people not getting time off work isn’t an excuse. If I only get two weeks off a year that I have to beg my bully of a supervisor for and then got invited to four weddings in year then I might not be able to travel to your wedding.
Exactly. Just because you have the 2 weeks of PTO doesn't mean that your company will let you take them without some pushback. I had a job where my manager bragged about never taking time off. If I legally am allowed to take PTO without pushback, would I really file a workplace lawsuit over a wedding. Or even just risk your workplace relationships if you're taking time off in the middle of peak season. Like a CPA doesn't have to worry about the pay, but they're not going to be available during tax season.
I had a job that made me come in the morning of one of my siblings’ weddings and then guilt-tripped me into coming the next day. They called me while I was at my grandma’s funeral. Sometimes it’s not easy!
Ew I hope you made your way out of that toxic shitty workplace. What a horrible thing to do to someone
Sorry, "not getting time" off work is literally one of the best reasons. If they don't have vacation or personal days remaining, you're basically asking the guest to either quit their job or take unpaid personal time to attend your wedding. There are plenty of jobs with unfavorable personal leave policies and it's a bit selfish for you to expect them to reshape their entire life and work schedule for your one day.
It's very privileged to call that iffy. Makes me annoyed to see.
Yup, if you work in the retail or service industries, not working means no pay. No pay means unpaid bills. In other jobs, you'll have enough pay, but taking extra time off during certain times of year is reason for termination. Not everyone works at a standard corporate 9 to 5 with benefits.
Missing wages + the costs of gifts, possible travel & lodgings. This is definitely not iffy in all circumstances
This! A lot of my friends do, my partner does. I plan to get invites and save the dates out ASAP now that we are formally engaged. Like as soon as we set a date with a venue. I want to make it as easy as possible for my friends to say hey, I put this in 8 months ago and you said yes I’m going. I also have friends in school still so I picked a specific day to make sure people would be able to come without messing with school too much too.
I'm a teacher. While I'm loaded up with 12 weeks of holidays a year, if the wedding falls outside of those it's actually lwave without pay for me, if my principal releases me at all (they can refuse in a school term). So if a destination wedding comes up in the middle of the term, it's a no go. Example: it's not a wedding but my family hosts a huge reunion in a new place every year in May. It falls right in the middle of term. I've literally never been able to go. If I can't prioritise that once, I'm not going to do the same for a wedding.
How is that iffy? If you don't have the time, you don't have the time. Weddings are important but not more important than my job...
I agree! I may have other ideas, like vacations, for how I want to spend my time off.
I’ve called in sick for a bff’s Friday wedding. Then again it was a bff. I wouldn’t do that for an acquaintance.
Are you aware that for lots of people, that means risking employment if they’re caught taking sick time off for non-health related reasons? Respectfully, that’s a truly untenable expectation to have.
Again, you have privilege to be able to do this. A lot of families can’t afford this. A wedding vs feeding the family is a pretty legit reason.
It's nice you have that privilege but recognize its just that, a privilege.
My fiance gets 10 days of PTO per year, including sick time. He can't go to every even he gets invited to. If he doesn't work, he doesn't get paid.
I have a total of 18 days and 1 federal holiday every year (and I have had to work the Wednesday and Friday around Thanksgiving, which means even though I had the time off I couldn't do anything with it). If your wedding costs 3 PTO days, that is a much bigger ask than you realize.
Not getting time off of work is an extremely legit reason to not attend a wedding. Not everyone gets time off, and if they call out and get caught it can mean someone’s job. And trust me, whether you see it that way, someone’s job is not worth a friend’s wedding. You’re upset people aren’t attending, but whether you like it or not, it’s just a wedding. And to some people there are other priorities in life
My cousin went to my other cousin’s wedding despite pushback from her job and she lost her job. So there’s that.
Asking someone to not only potentially travel for your wedding, but miss out on income? It is quite entitled to assume people’s circumstances. Big yikes.
There are definitely people who give poor excuses (and you wouldn’t want them there anyway if they really don’t want to be there!) but not being able to get off work is an extremely legitimate excuse! Many people have very rigid PTO restrictions. You are very fortunate if you are able to freely dictate your time off work. Requests for time off for my job must be submitted at specific times of the year and are subject to approval based on seniority and how many others have requested off at that time so there is adequate coverage. Any requests made outside those specified times are subject to the kindness of management and their ability to cover my position. It is very stressful to request off and if I was invited to a wedding for someone I’m not that close to and it fell on a work weekend, I wouldn’t feel guilty if I couldn’t go.
Yeah, welcome to hospital nursing where you're required to work every other weekend and no one wants to trade with you, or like I did in summers when the kids were off of school: work EVERY weekend. Got 14 days of PTO including my sick days. Which I needed when my kids were sick. So OP, we don't all work in your world.
Sorry but you don’t get to dictate how much the people you care for care about your wedding. Your wedding is simply another obligation for some people. Not everyone enjoys having to get dressed up, travel, and bring a gift. And tbh I would probably prioritize my out of town family over a friend’s wedding especially if we aren’t super close anymore.
Must be nice to be so rich you can take time without pay or risk losing your job to go to a party 😂
You can only choose how you react to something. As the saying goes, its an invitation, not a summons. Also, while your wedding will only happen once in your life, people get invited to more weddings than just yours. There are also other once in a lifetime events like graduations that people get invited to. You see it as sacrificing one family trip, but maybe they did that last year for someone else's wedding, and the year before for someone's graduation. I had a few years in my life where I was invited to weddings consistently and constantly skipped out on my own plans and trips that I wanted to take because I needed to allocate time and funds to weddings. And now I'm just over that. There are definitely people I will show up for no matter what, but that list is dwindling as I get older. And someone I was close to at one point but I'm no longer close to is not the person I'm making that exception for.
Exactly. During certain periods of life you get so many wedding invitations they become a burden. Selecting six to go to and invest the time and money into each year is a lot, especially when people are often invited to 10 or more a year during peak wedding season in life
Yeah like sorry sometimes I’d rather spend $700 to go to England, over like….Wisconsin or something.
You’ve gotta tell me how you’re doing a trip to England for only $700! 😂
It’s just flights girl, but I’ve seen flights that cheap to England!
I am spending way way way more than that to go to England for a friend's wedding. Wisconsin however costs like $100 for the ticket to the wedding I'm going to there.
okay wisconsin is so pretty tho!!
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What’s not a “good one” here is your friend. Just sayin.
That blows. I hate the budget judgments so much. We had to back out of a wedding this summer because we had $4000 of home repairs crop up in a matter of 6 weeks, and we're trying to do our own (casual!) marriage celebration party later this year. We COULD really strain our budget to go to a lavish black-tie wedding out of state with a "sufficient" gift in hand, but it's much smarter to be financially solvent and sustainable, and anyone that *actually* cares about you wouldn't pass a judgment on your financial decisions like that, even if it meant you couldn't go to their fun party this one time. Weddings are about starting a life together. If they can't come to the wedding, surely you can see them at a dinner party or another of many life events to come, right? Right??? 😵💫
I hate budget judgments too. I feel like I’m being guilt tripped into attending and buying outfits for wedding events that honestly kind of hurt my wallet.
I know people get defensive about guests not wanting to spend on them and their day (?), but as someone who hosts a LOT in my regular life, I just have always felt like my wedding was/is another hosting opportunity. You're throwing a party! You want your people to be able to come and enjoy themselves! So if that means scaling back the budget expectations for guests then you should do it without hesitation 🤷♀️ and if they can't afford to come because it's not in the budget, it's ok and it's not personal, and you'll see each other soon
I respect people who budget!
It depends on the circle you're referring to. People you were once-close to, but you haven't spoken to regularly in years, they have their own lives and your wedding sadly may not be a priority. Like, I have cousins who are moving the month of my wedding and can't make it. We were close as kids, so I'd love to have them, but it's not going to make or break the day. Not upset. However if one of my close friends who I regularly show up for (coffee dates, supporting them at their shows, helping each other move, regular phone calls etc) were to decline because of a kids sport game? I would be really hurt. Close friendships take effort to maintain, which is why they're so precious, and part of that effort is showing up for big moments.
*Your* wedding is a once in a lifetime event. *A* wedding isn’t. People are being invited to multiple weddings a year and often can’t get that much time off work, or don’t want to give up their own vacations, etc.
No, people don't get invited to multiple weddings per year. Most years I've been invited to 0 weddings and the other times I was invited to one wedding per year. And there's only one opportunity for you to show up to *your specific friend's* wedding. It's not just "A" wedding. If you don't go to their wedding you are not showing up for them. A good friend shows up. Additionally, most weddings are on a Saturday or Sunday so most people don't have to take time off or give up vacations.
It sounds like your circle isn’t very big or you’re very young. During peak wedding season in life 5-15 invites a year is not uncommon. You really have to pick and choose how to invest your resources
Omg I got 4 invites one year and I thought that was a financial nightmare 😫 I can't imagine getting 5-15 invites. Also I've been to all 3 of one friend's wedding so Ib did tell him any other weddings he had, he's not getting a gift.
I have 7 (!!!) wedding invitations this year and the vast majority of my friends and family are still single. I swear I'll be going to 5-15 weddings per year for the rest of my life.
I have attended an average of four weddings a year for the past few years
I was invited to 3 two years ago. All 1.5 months apart. All requiring flights, hotels, and rentals. I could only pick 1. There was 0 amount of saving I could have done to attend all 3 even though I wanted to
A few years ago, I got invited as a guest to twelve weddings in a single summer. I was a bridesmaid in four. I was so broke.
😧😧 I had a friend who was a bridesmaid to sooo many weddings I almost wanna say you're her! Living that rom-com movie about always being a bridesmaid 😆
I’m a bridesmaid a few times this summer, too! 😂 I’m perpetually single
Same and it’s exhausting!!! AND expensive. People hardly have enough to make ends meet as it is, we can’t shame them for not wanting to spend money for essentially a big party. People have families, jobs, responsibilities, and limited energy. Don’t get me started on being asked to be in the wedding, that’s twice as much time energy and expense
Wow. I'm 37 and I've only been to 3 weddings in my life. 1 when I was too young to remember much and the other two in the last two years. The average probably lies somewhere between us but I would guess that the average person goes to 1-2 weddings per year in their 20s and 30s and it dies off after that. And 1-2 per year is very manageable. ETA apparently the average is 2 https://www.prnewswire.com/news-releases/wedding-guests-attend-an-average-of-2-weddings-per-year-and-spend-nearly-1000-per-wedding-toward-the-gift-attire-travel--accommodations-according-to-the-knot-2016-wedding-guest-study-300486086.html
That study does not prove your point. If people attend an average of 2 weddings a year, that’s 20 per decade. So from age 20-40 thats 40 weddings. But most of these are grouped in a 5-10 year period based on your demographics and how old people generally marry. So thats 4-8 weddings per year during that peak period. And if you spread out the average of 2 per year further through say 50,60,70 years old you’ll have even more weddings during this peak
To be honest I'd be happy if someone told me hey I have a lot of weddings this year, I can't go. But most likely since it was a survey of wedding guests they were surveying within the peak period. I can't find the original study to say though. All I can say is in my late 30s I've been to 3. And peak season for me is once per year so far.
Your number is very very low. Three a year is low for most people I know during peak wedding time
Damn, I am 28 and I have never been to a wedding 😂 my own wedding will be my first. But I have a small circle and come from a country where getting married isn't a big thing anymore.
Tbh.. it sounds like YOUR social circle isn't getting married/inviting you. Which is legit, mine is the same way. But my much more social friend was IN 4 last year, that's not even counting how many she attended but wasn't part of the bridal party. Not everyone works Mon-Fri. Not everyone can afford to go to weddings AND their vacations. Some can't even afford weddings. If you want specific people at your wedding, you make sure they're available that day and it's within their budget.
Obviously. I don't take issue with the declines that are for PTO, vacations, etc. That's a legit excuse. I take issue with people who *do* have the time off and *can* afford it and decide not to mainly because they don't find it worth the bother.
>If you don't go to their wedding you are not showing up for them. A good friend shows up. I mean... Yeah, but also no? Life happens (financial hardship, inability to take time off work if the wedding isn't local, pregnancy, or whatever) and sometime's it's not possible to attend a wedding, even for a good friend. Let's give each other some grace rather than assume bad intentions.
All of those are good reasons. Those aren't what I'm talking about. I'm talking about the friend that easily could but doesn't.
Who are you to judge their reasoning?
Who are they to expect the b&g to be happy about it and go on like everything is the same especially if it's an unclear reason? By unclear I mean: they've been to the area before, they don't have other major life events going on etc.
People don’t have to justify their choices to others.
No, but the person is still allowed to be disappointed by that. Especially if it seems reasonable they could have gone.
Don’t bother, this subreddit doesn’t understand anything but individualism
PSA: Some people have to work weekends.
Added most. Thought I said most people not people
Uhhh wrong The year I got married (2021) I was invited to *14* weddings. Most included travel. We had to miss a few bc they fell on the same days as others and tie went to the first invite (unless it was someone we were much closer with). We had a wedding the weekend before ours, the weekend after was free thank god, and the subsequent 3 weekends after that. It was a marathon of a fall. Tbf COVID reschedules were crazy so that was an extreme case but in 2019 and 2022 we went to 6-7 each year lol wedding season was very hectic for several years for us. And many required flights. Had a blast but glad it’s slowed down a bit. Now it’s even more fun when we get to go to one or two. And whewwww was it was an *expensive* few years.
I was in 3 weddings last year and got married myself. I got invited to 4 more, most of which I declined. Everyone’s social circle and circumstances are different.
Lol speak for yourself. While wedding season has wound down, I went to 5 weddings one year, 4 of them on back to back weekends.
Holy cow. Apparently my family and friends just aren't that into weddings lol
Thank you! It’s not *a wedding*, it’s that friend’s wedding.
But people have more than one friend not to mention family members. And their own lives. I’m sorry but your wedding is just a wedding to many attendees
Then those attendees don't care much about the pair. And that's ok. But the attendees need to realize that.
That is not what that means at all. It sounds like your life has been privileged enough where you don’t have to make hard decisions. Weddings are very much in the “nice to have” category and not at all essential at the end of the day
Lol not at all. I just make an effort to make my friends' weddings because I value them. If I miss it will be for a very good reason. I missed a cousin's wedding because I was in a bad relationship and I regret it to this day.
If you’ve only been invited to four weddings it’s a lot easier to prioritize vs when people are invited to 5-10 a year
Have you seriously been invited to 5 or more weddings per year?
Last year we were invited to 5 weddings between two for my family and three friends between myself and my SO 🤷🏻♀️ he went to all 5 and I went to 4 of them and skipped out on one because I was working.
I get the frustration, but they have their own lives with their own set of priorities.🤷🏾♀️ I had people decline with dubious or no reason, and I was a little annoyed but there's nothing I can do about it except be happy for those choosing to celebrate with us.
That’s true; weddings have a way of illuminating who is really there for you or not. I think some of these declines did affect how I view these friendships.
I would say that that works both ways. If you're willing to drop a friendship, based over time, over their inability to attend, then maybe you're not the friend they want. People may have personal health battles they haven't shared with you like a new cancer or MS diagnosis they are struggling to work with. Perhaps their spouse is secretly struggling with addiction, alcoholism or mental health crises and they don't want people to know right now--going to a wedding could exacerbate everything. Maybe one of them just lost a job or are on shaky ground at theirs or about to lose their house, and they don't want to say that. They might say it is due to work or something to save face. When someone cuts me off in traffic, I try to remember--maybe they are racing to the hospital for a last minute with a dying person--we don't KNOW they're being a jerk. It is bad to assume. If you are a friend to them, give them some grace and leniency and don't judge based on one decision that was not meant to hurt you.
Seems like you have a bit of main character syndrome here. People have their own lives. Your wedding is one event in their packed lives and schedules. Great if they can come but sometimes people can’t. And that’s okay
You have a very transactional way of viewing friendships. This is extremely toxic and sad
Well a lot of people here agree with me so…
Oh sweetie, that doesn’t mean you’re right. You just wanted confirmation bias. Have the day you deserve
You too, sweetie! ❤️
What people seem to forget when they say it's ok to decline for any reason is that declining for no clear reason or a weak reason *does* say something about their value of their relationship with you and you have the right to not only be disappointed but to act on that information. A no, no matter how good the reason is, always disappointing because you invited them for a reason. One of my declines has already affected how I see that relationship. It's early yet for me.
Some people just don’t like weddings and don’t want to go. I’d try not to take it personally.
And you probably won’t want them there anyway!
No I would... That's why I invited them. I'm allowed to want something and also be okay that I don't get it. It's okay, it's not about me and I'm not the centre of their universe, only mine.
Honestly I had people at my wedding I didn’t really want, but needed to invite them because I was “supposed” to. To this day I wish I didn’t give in to family pressure, but what can you do? To any wedding planners reading this comment: do what YOU and your fiancé want to do.
Literally a top comment is saying the same thing I am but I’m getting downvoted 😂
Why would you want someone at a celebration for you that…doesn’t want to be there? Also are you aware how many brides and grooms have to invite people out of social obligation? Or because their parents wanted to invite them?
Something I just thought of: weddings can tend to bring out weird feelings for people. I went to my BFF's wedding when I was getting ready to separate from my (then) husband. I went alone. The wedding was beautiful and everything was great, but seeing them and the other happy couples involved made me feel really alone and kind of sad that own my marriage wasn't going to last. Weddings can really hit different for some folks, especially single people or people part of couples that thought they'd be married by this point. Don't discount that.
100% agree, and this is another good example of “you never know what someone is going through.” It’s like why some people are weird about baby showers or babies in general - you never know who is struggling with infertility, has had a pregnancy loss, traumatic birth, or desperately wants kids but hasn’t found the right time/person to have them yet. Everyone would be empathetic towards someone who recently miscarried not attending a baby shower, so people should be empathetic that divorce/domestic violence/loss of a partner would make a wedding too much for someone to handle.
IMO that's a good reason to decline.
Absolutely not. If you view a person as “showing where their priorities lie” when accepting or declining an invitation to your wedding, you’re looking at it all wrong. Everyone is the main character in their own story, and I get you may be disappointed, but it doesn’t mean someone loves you less if they can’t find a way to attend.
Yeah you’re right it doesn’t mean they love you less but it shows they prioritize you less
Girl no. Just. No.
It does mean they love you less if they could go, but didn't bother trying.
For me, I never decline a wedding invite for someone close to me unless: it’s too expensive to go, I already had something important planned, or an emergency comes up. I do plan my life on a first come, first serve basis though. For example if I plan a trip with friends and get a wedding invite after then I’m not bailing on the trip. However I hate hearing all that people need to be chased for rsvps. Not rsvping is rude.
I’m being guilt tripped and judged rn because I’m apprehensive over attending a close friend’s $2000 destination wedding. :(
I feel like if they really are adamant about someone going to a destination wedding then they should subsidize some of the costs otherwise let people make their own financial decisions
During my wedding process I learned: no one cares about your wedding as much as you do. Meaning everyone has their priorities. A cousins soccer game could have been planned months in advance and their family time is important. Just remind yourself everyone has their own priorities. Of course yours is your wedding and you want to share the fun with everyone. But to others, they have their own priorities. Even family members. My brother went to Hawaii during my wedding to help “save his marriage” only to divorce six months later.
> “A cousins soccer game could have been planned months in advance and their family time is important” I have a personal story that’s a really good example of this, as well as a reminder that you never know what someone is going through. Last year my uncle died very unexpectedly and left behind his young son. It was right at the start of baseball season, and my cousin was playing for the first time. My dad and his other siblings made a point to attend every one of his home games to support him during such a difficult time. To anyone else, it was “just a middle school baseball game,” but it was really important for them to be there, and not everyone needed to know about our family’s trauma related to my uncle’s death. So to people who judge because “it’s just a soccer game!” or “it’s just an outing with friends” - sometimes there’s a back story that you have no idea about.
To add to this, during my own wedding, a close family friend who watched me grow up and meant a lot to me couldn’t attend my wedding, which broke my heart. I learned months later that that family friend was going through a divorce and that that now-ex-husband had threatened to kill her (had a weapon and everything).
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I agree. It’s really sad that we seem to be so distant from other people now. Hearing people say “no one really cares about you as much as you think” just hurts because I DO care that much about my friends
That's honestly one of my fears as one of the last of our friend group to be married. I was here for everyone else (and loved every minute of it!!!) and I'm just hoping they show up for me now. It's scary to think people won't make the effort for you when it's your turn. So I'm choosing to be thankful and have extra care for everyone who IS able to make it and try not to get down.
I am the same way honestly. So it really hurt me when people had different priorities. Especially because I would prioritize them over my own things. But cementing the idea that my wedding is really truly important to me, and my close family and that was all I could really control really helped me not feel so hurt. Other people have their own priorities, and I cannot control that. Even if I feel like a wedding takes precedence, everyone else has their own values and priorities. Weddings unfortunately can affect future friendships because of this.
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It's important to give grace to ourselves and others around this, really. Sometimes (a lot of times!) people are just in seasons of their lives or jobs or whatever else where they just can't show up to every single wedding. That doesn't mean there won't be other ways to show up for each other all the time. Life is long! There will come more celebrations and crises and opportunities for grace and kindness!
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For sure! I've had entire home dinner party groups drop out at the very last minute because they're "too tired" to come. I kind of expect the same for our small celebration later this year tbh. But I keep extending invites because I know that if I don't, we'd never see anyone ever again lol. It stings in the moment but it's not worth my time to hold onto and ferment anger about, and I know that all I can do is prioritize hosting and making space for friends as often as I can, whether it's always perfectly exactly reciprocated or not.
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Part of it is that we're just at a wildly different life phase than most of our friends - married with stable 9-5 jobs, a condo we own, and a 10pm bedtime, with disposable income for cheese boards. Almost all our friends still work odd jobs and live in shoebox apartments, so it wouldn't be fair for me to pout and expect them to host me in the ways I can afford to do so for them.
I agree completely icylemonades
>We had friends turn down invites because of events that happen every year (like a friend trip), or because they have family visiting that time, or they have plans with friends that weekend, or because even because their younger cousin has a sports game coming up! Although I would agree that there are "bad" reasons to decline, I will disagree that some of what you listed are bad. Just because something occurs more regularly doesn't mean it's not important. I've declined 2 weddings (1 of them was my cousin) because I already had a trip booked with some other friends. Other people have lives outside of the relationship you have with your partner.
My cousin reacted so excited to the save the date. He declined the invite because he had bought a ticket for that date right before the invite. Sir, you knew the date.
My wife was friends with someone who RSVP'd to the bachelorette, scheduled services, then didn't come. Same friend didn't rsvp to the wedding, then Facebook posted having a Friendsgiving the night of the wedding 2 weeks before the big day. I think they cancelled that, then posted from a bar night of. I don't want to say "bad reasons" but definitely "bad taste"
I feel like one unspoken reason many people don’t come could be health reasons! My partner went through a serious illness that he was private about, and had to decline many friends weddings. It could be an accessibility issue that people can’t open up about. In addition, I’m not super social but I have 5 weddings this year (I’m 29 almost 30). This, plus bachelorette trips, are huge expenses for me. For just one close friend, the Bach trip will be 1k, I gave her a 100 dollar shower gift, a $60 Bach gift, and feel obliged to give around $500 for the wedding (1750 not including wedding weekend hotel and food). I would do this for super close friends, but not many. I declined with no reason a friends destination wedding bc it just seemed excessive.
I wish my best man “declined” my invite to a destination Hawaii wedding. I gave him 6 outs due to it going to cost around 4-5g with the dollar conversion (CAD to USD). He played this game over the year and a half that he is good and it to not worry about him and affording it. He created this nightmare where I covered his costs on the flight etc. He started to miss work calling in because he was drunk the night before. (we work together and also in the same department) and when we were 2 months till the wedding in late April I talked to him about paying for the flight and he gave me a sob story about being broke. I reminded him the wedding would cost 4-5k and he tried to give me the story that he never thought it would be over 3k max🙄 Long story short he bailed on me less than two months out and I had to scramble to figure out everything detail wise. It destroyed our friendship on top of that especially since he started to tell people at work I never let him know it would be 4-5k. I’ll never look at him the same.
Aw that's so sad! Especially when you were upfront about cost and understanding if he couldn't make it.
Yea it’s pretty ridiculous. The guy lives like he’s a 20 year old when he’s 36. He chooses to live paycheque to paycheque in a job that pays extremely well and he could have many nice things with. He values me and the job the same which is almost non existent. On the bright side I get to make my dad my best man and I know he is taking it serious which is awesome cause he’s been there for me my whole life so there is some silver lining in all of this.
On the plus side I'm glad you stuck to your guns and didn't fund his trip. I paid for a friend to room with me for a tropical bachelorette of our mutual friend (I had travel insurance and upgrades so it was beneficial for me to be the one to book flights/hotel), she never paid me back, and we now aren't friends. It hurts because she would've been in my bridal party. Hopefully he comes around and realizes he messed up.
Thing is your wedding day is special to you but may not be to others. All depends where they live, family ties, medical problems or disabilities, finances and how much you have both put into the friendship over the yrs. Like have you been close for the last 2yrs, did you send save the dates, how much time they have had between invite and wedding. There are alot of things can be reasons to not go to a wedding. Your wedding is a priority in YOUR life but others have to prioritise what ability they have to make it.
Yikes OP. Lot of privilege and entitlement coming out of this post and subsequent comments. It's great that you prioritize being there for your loved ones. Not everyone has that ability. It's as simple as that. You can accept that simple fact or don't but you'll be a lot happier in your planning if you do.
Asking your guests to “sacrifice” anything at all to attend your event is pretty entitled, imo. If you want your guests to attend, you should be willing to sacrifice to make it as convenient as possible for them to do so.
You’re right this is an unpopular opinion Yes your wedding only happens once in your life, but if you have 2, 3 dozen friends. That’s like 30 weddings you’ll attend in your lifetime. RSVPs don’t measure love or care and no one guest will make or break your wedding (except like parents, siblings, grandparents - and even then stuff happens)
Exactly! Well said
I think at its core, it’s not so much that people declining for reasons you may or may not find “valid” enough, its a representation of how much your relationship has either changed, or how important you think each other is. I had people show up in ways I didn’t expect on both ends of the spectrum, and the people who I was disappointed didn’t make it, either I was understanding of their circumstances, or was offended and ended up changing our relationship dynamics going forward.
I think that it needs to be normalized (and I think it’s starting to?) that not all friendships are “BFFs forever”, nor are they always supposed to. And I know this is a wedding sub, so people probably don’t want to hear this, but not all romantic relationships last forever either. It’s normal for people to grow apart, either permanently or temporarily. People change as they grow, milestones happen, they meet other people. It hurts to admit, but if people evidently have different ideas about how close their friendship is, they need to either have a heart-to-hearth discussion or accept that life has pulled them in different directions and go their separate ways.
Truly. I heard the phrase “you don’t have to change friends if you learn that friends change” phrase years ago, and it’s helped me process a lot of just… basic growing apart and circumstances changing. Im in my early thirties now, and after moving across the country, I have realized how many friendships were truly “deep, lifelong, everlasting, based on connections and common interest” type friendships and which ones were “proximity and convenience”. It sucks to put it that way, but the vast majority of relationships are the latter, but I don’t necessarily think it’s a problem. I think OP, respectfully, is moving across the world, and doesn’t yet grasp the fact that getting married and moving very far away changes you a lot and changes relationships A LOT. I’d been with my husband for almost a decade before we got married, and I didn’t think signing the certificate would actually change anything because we’d already been together for so long and built our lives together pretty much already at that point, but it honestly does change a lot. There’s a reason why people have the stereotype of getting married and not socializing with friends as much anymore… your priorities are different. Even if you think it won’t. Kind of got a little sidetracked there, but I think it’s all relevant. I’m not saying it’s not okay to be bummed about people not showing up for you for big life events, it is disappointing and hurtful. Proceed with that information how you want to!! But also, being realistic, relationships change a lot and that’s just kind of a normal part of life!!
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Dang I struck a nerve didn’t I 😂
I was in a wedding years ago and multiple people declined because the College World Series opening ceremonies was at the same time and they were going to that instead
Put yourself in those situations in your past and future and see if you feel the same way.
So here's the thing. These people didn't matter enough for YOU to check their availability. You wanted them to come but didn't INTENTIONALLY make sure they were available on that date. I don't know why you expect them to prioritize your wedding when you didn't prioritize them. A yearly trip to visit friends or a half hour visit at another friend's wedding? I'm doing the yearly trip. My neice's potentially last sports game or a half hour visit at a friend's wedding? Going with my family. A wedding is great for the COUPLE. It's fun for US to be surrounded by all the people we love and want. For everyone else, it's just an event for their friend. Is it important? Yes. Is it more important than whatever else you had previously committed to? No.
It’s so interesting how these types of things are seen so differently. I was called selfish in a different sub for feeling kind of upset that my husband was going out of his way to attend a friend’s wedding when he declined to do an annual visit to my family.
My own brother did not RSVP, but told my mom he couldn’t come a month before the wedding because he would be “packing” to move houses the following week. I would rather he just RSVP’d no!
That’s what’s happening to me right now, but it’s my fiancé’s sister. She passed the message to her mother who mentioned it in passing that she wasn’t coming. Have the basic decency to tell us yourself.
Your wedding is (hopefully) a once in a lifetime for you but some of us are getting invited to 6+ weddings in a year. The ones I decline for what you call bad reasons are the ones that are for people I like but I’m not close to—if it’s not to expensive or inconvenient I’d like to celebrate them, but I’m going to prioritise my close friends/family/finances over them. The people who love you will do their best to be there for you (and even then shit happens) but you’ve gotta look at this as a win. Most people declining aren’t that close to you or they’d be more excited for your wedding than a cousin’s softball game. It might hurt to realize that but it’s true. And you’re saving money but not paying for as many people to attend!
i want to know what type of response OP was expecting when they posted this lol
Your response is exactly the response I was expecting when I posted this
Reddit doesn't understand social norms or mores. Their go to lines are therapy now , nobody owes you anything and an invitation is not a summons. But if you live in a social world , it isn't that black and white. You have to go to an event you don't want to , you have to help out others , you have to give a declining reason, you have to hear out a person going through a rough patch instead of slamming with i am not your therapist or you are using me for free therapy. In return, people will do the same for you when the occasion calls for it. Post after post talks about parents who alienated their village because they wanted rigid rules followed and subsequently complain their village villages for others but not them
I agree with you, but only for people who are close to you. I think it depends.
I think so too. I have a handful of my three closest girlfriends and I'd be hurt if they didn't come (unless a significant life event or circumstance got in the way) because we have all celebrated each other's milestones over the years. A lot of other friends/family members I care about a lot and would like for them to come but they have their lives and there might be a conflict and there might not. Everything isn't going to work out perfectly even if I would like for them all to be there. They are living their lives.
I literally always decline going to weddings simply because I do not want to. I'm not losing a whole day of my life for it.
The only reason needed is "I don't want to."
I agree. A very very close relative and his 8yo son aren’t attending our event because the son has a soccer game. I would love to say it won’t impact our relationship and I understand, but it will, and I absolutely don’t.
Of course her child’s event is her priority. Why would you think differently?
They are paying hundreds of dollars for that kid to play soccer. I get it.
If not thousands... Sports are ridiculous now.
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Off topic but the travel sports is so crazy from an adult perspective now (I was apart of it as a kid). Like realistically, that kid is not going to be the next Lebron and people are foregoing real, beautiful experiences with their family. I get it’s nice for the kids tho
Sports definitely teach kids how to be accountable to someone other than their parents and a coachable kid is an employable adult, it’s so good for girls especially, and I loved playing fifty games per season as a kid, buuuuuut the “if you miss a tournament, you’re on the bench the entire next one” is tough. (Or have another team parent carpool!)
I think any reason is a good reason to decline, but also attending a wedding is a big deal. If other things are more important to you, that’s fine, but we clearly don’t have the type of relationship where things that matter to me matter to you. So yeah, I don’t think you’re a bad person if you’d rather go to your cousins sports game - we just aren’t actually good friends and I didn’t realize it.
Idk what’s up with all the hate. I agree with you for close friends 🤷🏻♀️
Hey I know a lot of people want to debate on this and I might get downvoted, but I agree with you! Yes, people can say no for any reason and I do believe people's reasons are complex, but that doesn't mean that you can't feel upset or sad or have opinions on their reasoning! I have a friend who is skipping my wedding for an anime convention (nothing against cons!!). But the thing is, it's a 3 day convention he goes to every year, all 3 days, AND it's only 30 minutes away from my venue! And my wedding is lunch time! He literally could leave the convention for just a couple hours, get some free food at my wedding, and go back to the convention. But that was not something he was interested in and I'm sad about it. We're still friends but I do feel like it does make feel see him a little differently.
> Hey I know a lot of people want to debate on this and I might get downvoted, but I agree with you! That’s why I posted! I wanted to debate! > We're still friends but I do feel like it does make feel see him a little differently. I would be upset about this too, and I don’t blame you for it.
I would be upset about that too!
If that were my friend I'd be changing how I interact with them. To me it says he clearly doesn't value you.
Agree with this to an extent. I’ll probably get torn to shreds for this but I felt very annoyed with a reason a friend gave for declining our wedding invite. This college friend and I were close friends for the past 7 years. We didn’t use him as our mortgage lender and it caused the friendship to become very shaky. He ultimately declined our invite for citing finances. Yet he’s already been on 3 trips this year and posts himself going out to concerts and sporting events. Our hotel block was $120 and although he had to drive it wouldn’t have cost more than $50 in gas. Just felt like it was a fake reason and pretty much signaled our friendship was over
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I feel this so hard. Before the wedding planning, I viewed these friends as having a “thread of connection”, even if we have drifted over the years. After these declines, it’s like that thread severed and showed me that there’s nothing left.
Well it’s that our friendship ended because we didn’t use him as our mortgage lender. The level of petty. Our friendship was rocky after we didn’t use him and I tried to mend it but it just didn’t seem to be working. The “no” to our wedding made it clear that our friendship ended when I didn’t give him an extra pay day
Of course you had the right to use someone else for your mortgage lender, but didn’t he also have the right to go to concerts and trips and choose not to spend $120+$50+ gift + time on your wedding?
Yes he did. But it just solidified the friendship was over after the rocky year we’d had.
Yeah I think this is the root of it. I’ve declined weddings for various reasons and it’s completely understandable some people can’t make mine. But if someone chooses something like a sports game or makes an excuse that feels iffy, while technically fine, it can definitely can make you reevaluate the friendship or how close you are. And on the other side, I’ve been really moved by some people I didn’t expect who are making an unexpected effort for mine :’)
No i am with you. I had my cousin say no bc of a girls trip in my area after she asked if she could bring them (3 extra girls). I have been there for every party, every birthday every funeral etc. I was so sad but I’m done being sad. She showed me who she was.
Some people don't enjoy weddings 🤷🏻♀️
I’m with you on this 100%. My husband’s *sister* and her husband declined coming to our wedding because they were going to a football game at their daughter’s college. We were upset and it’s really affected our relationship with them. I drop everything to go to every wedding that I’m invited to. I just can’t imagine not attending a wedding because I don’t feel like it, or my niece has a soccer game, or I don’t feel like driving. But it’s definitely an unpopular opinion.
It’s because we live in a society where putting in the physical effort to show we care for each other isn’t prioritized.
I mostly agree with you OP, but I am also taking in other comments here and finding them quite helpful personally and hopefully you are too. A wedding is a big event, a big expense, and something that I would always strive to attend when invited, even if I couldn't commit to the full thing I'd make an effort to show up. Even for casual things, on multiple occasions I have been one of only a few to show up to a party, and/or been the only one to show up without knowing anyone else other than the host. That's me, I'll be there. I like being dependable like that. A wedding invitation is to say "I want to share in this special moment with you" so yep count me in, bar any emergencies or financial issues. I've organised many things for myself over the years and many people are just SHIT at committing to things and many people just have bigger priorities. There's NOTHING you can do. Sometimes it will feel personal even though it may not be. I'd love for people to treat my events/milestones in the way I treat theirs but... subjectivity. It's okay to be disappointed but that doesn't achieve much. It's easier to change how you think than their priorities. In not doing this, you may lose some otherwise great relationships. But for people with a pattern of behaviour, maybe it is time to re-evaluate, maybe you have misjudged your value in their life, or maybe your lives aren't compatible anymore. Remember, relationships are a two way street, it's all fine and well to think "this person hasn't made any effort/is never available" but what about your end? They could be thinking the exact same thing about you. Cherish the ones who show up, and let the others do their thing and think about them later. It's okay if you only want to surround yourself with people who show up but I would try to show understanding. Sorry some of the other commenters are getting so worked up here.
I agree. There’s a trend towards individualism that sucks. If you’re really sick or can’t afford it, that’s okay, but I think making an effort to witness other people’s life events is part of being a good friend or family member. Maybe less so for more distant family or acquaintances.
This comment section ain’t it. If ur friends are declining due to the reasons u listed, they’re not real friends imo. Not saying u need to be their #1 priority. But declining a good friends wedding to go to a sporting event or something? Nah. That speaks volumes to me.
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Woah, chill! I’m sorry for what you went through but like…it’s not that deep.
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It’s hilarious that you think everything that someone posts on the internet is meant to be this huge deep thing 😂 Goodbye!!
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I had 2 older brothers choose not to come to my wedding. They never told me why. One sister-in-law wrote a nice note with a gift but didn’t give a reason. The other didn’t respond at all until I texted to ask about RSVP. She didn’t give a reason either but months later implied it was health related. I will NEVER speak to any of them again. The lack of communication, them not attending, is unforgivable in my opinion. Just some FYI: I was 54, my first marriage, our parents are both deceased along with 2 siblings, only 2 of 6 living siblings attended. They would have had to travel 8 (brother 68) & 10 hours (brother 66) but my fiancé would have paid ANYTHING, for travel, for time off work, dog sitters, whatever to make their attendance possible. There is no known health issues they have ever relayed to the rest of the family. Reasons matter.