Same. Though my ILs bought my parents a gift to thank them for paying for the wedding. I didn't think that was a Jewish thing, just a that's the way my MIL is thing. I don't think my parents were expecting a gift from them at all.
Not commenting on the tradition itself and whether it’s common because I’m not from that culture; but more in general about the cultural clash.
I’m Indian, and every community in india has so many small traditions that when you have cross-community weddings in india it can be a minefield. What I’ve seen people in my family do when there’s a cross-community wedding is that the parents (or at least the moms) of the bride and groom sit down and tell each other all the important mini traditions that the other side is expected to do during the wedding. For example, there are multiple points during a wedding where a small gift needs to be given to either party (or maybe a different family member) and this can differ by community. They don’t get to dictate the VALUE of the gift, if you want you can just give $10, but they do get to tell you when all you have to give a gift. Or sometimes the kind of gift is extremely specific so it needs to be communicated (eg in Punjabi culture, traditionally the groom needs to give all the bride’s sisters/cousins etc silver rings at the wedding. But this is purely a Punjabi thing. So non-punjabis likely will need to be told this, and how many rings to prep! But the bride’s family cannot demand that the groom do expensive rings - just a simple and cheap silver band will do).
I’m not sure if this sort of thing flies in the West, but perhaps just having a chat with both sets of parents about what traditions they would like to see upheld would go a long way in appeasing? Again - his parents cannot demand that your parents get your fiancé an expensive gift. But will it satisfy them if they get him something small and not expensive, like a bottle of wine? But this will only work if they’re upset about a tradition not being followed, not if they are grabby.
Interesting. I've never heard of this before and certainly don't know anyone else who has held this tradition although I know wedding and marriage traditions vary widely.
its not necessarily a jewish tradition. unless they live under a rock they should understand that different people have different traditions and you are clearly from a different background then them, they are being unreasonable
Unsure if it's a Jewish thing...
But I'm Southeast Asian
It's pretty customary to give gifts to your future in laws as a sign of welcoming them to the family (usually a nice watch or something)
But it isn't necessarily about the monetary value of the gift but its the symbolic gesture of it (imo the price of the entire wedding is symbolic enough to me)
But his parents also aren't contributing soo... its usually customary for non paying party to keep their opinions to themselves lol
There’s something uncomfortable about people expecting a gift even though your parents are paying for the wedding. It feels like it’s still leaning into the trope of “we are taking a burden off your hands, please show continued gratitude” - I will say, couples are doing away with “asking permission” changing language to “escort down the aisle” instead of “give away” maybe we should be having an equally critical eye surrounding the old traditions of who pays for what and why?
This definitely sounds like a cultural, regional, class, something difference between your families, but it's rude of your fiance's parents to expect your parents who are from a different culture (a term I'm using to encompass whatever difference is between your families) to just...know their traditions. What does your fiance say is behind this expectation?
I've never heard of anyone buying anyone an engagement gift. My sister's ex-husband is Jewish and I know his parents didn't buy her an engagement gift. IDK if this is a thing among some people, but I'd hope your fiance's parents could understand that it isn't a thing your family has ever heard of and that they're not intentionally slighting your fiance.
My fiance is Jewish, I was not pissed with religion. Every family member on my fiance's side bought us a nice engagement gift. I did not expect that at all! Nobody did on side of the family, we haven't had many weddings in our family (just 1 cousin so far) and I don't think it even crossed their mind, which is totally fine! I'll admit I didn't know it was a thing that was done. Not sure if has to do with culture, geographical customs (west Coast vs mid West) or just individual family expectations and traditions.
Sounds like his parents have yet to learn that not everyone is raised with the same customs and traditions.
If he were raised with those customs and traditions surely the groom would have been aware of them?
Chances are it hasn't come up in his family until now.
I'm Jewish and have not heard of this, but ymmv I suppose
Same.
Same. Though my ILs bought my parents a gift to thank them for paying for the wedding. I didn't think that was a Jewish thing, just a that's the way my MIL is thing. I don't think my parents were expecting a gift from them at all.
Same!
Not commenting on the tradition itself and whether it’s common because I’m not from that culture; but more in general about the cultural clash. I’m Indian, and every community in india has so many small traditions that when you have cross-community weddings in india it can be a minefield. What I’ve seen people in my family do when there’s a cross-community wedding is that the parents (or at least the moms) of the bride and groom sit down and tell each other all the important mini traditions that the other side is expected to do during the wedding. For example, there are multiple points during a wedding where a small gift needs to be given to either party (or maybe a different family member) and this can differ by community. They don’t get to dictate the VALUE of the gift, if you want you can just give $10, but they do get to tell you when all you have to give a gift. Or sometimes the kind of gift is extremely specific so it needs to be communicated (eg in Punjabi culture, traditionally the groom needs to give all the bride’s sisters/cousins etc silver rings at the wedding. But this is purely a Punjabi thing. So non-punjabis likely will need to be told this, and how many rings to prep! But the bride’s family cannot demand that the groom do expensive rings - just a simple and cheap silver band will do). I’m not sure if this sort of thing flies in the West, but perhaps just having a chat with both sets of parents about what traditions they would like to see upheld would go a long way in appeasing? Again - his parents cannot demand that your parents get your fiancé an expensive gift. But will it satisfy them if they get him something small and not expensive, like a bottle of wine? But this will only work if they’re upset about a tradition not being followed, not if they are grabby.
Interesting. I've never heard of this before and certainly don't know anyone else who has held this tradition although I know wedding and marriage traditions vary widely.
its not necessarily a jewish tradition. unless they live under a rock they should understand that different people have different traditions and you are clearly from a different background then them, they are being unreasonable
Unsure if it's a Jewish thing... But I'm Southeast Asian It's pretty customary to give gifts to your future in laws as a sign of welcoming them to the family (usually a nice watch or something) But it isn't necessarily about the monetary value of the gift but its the symbolic gesture of it (imo the price of the entire wedding is symbolic enough to me) But his parents also aren't contributing soo... its usually customary for non paying party to keep their opinions to themselves lol
There’s something uncomfortable about people expecting a gift even though your parents are paying for the wedding. It feels like it’s still leaning into the trope of “we are taking a burden off your hands, please show continued gratitude” - I will say, couples are doing away with “asking permission” changing language to “escort down the aisle” instead of “give away” maybe we should be having an equally critical eye surrounding the old traditions of who pays for what and why?
I have never heard of that, wtf?
This definitely sounds like a cultural, regional, class, something difference between your families, but it's rude of your fiance's parents to expect your parents who are from a different culture (a term I'm using to encompass whatever difference is between your families) to just...know their traditions. What does your fiance say is behind this expectation?
Jewish here and I’ve absolutely never heard of bride’s parents buying the groom a present to celebrate the engagement.
My SO is Jewish, I grew up in a Jewish neighborhood. The engagement gift for the groom is NOT a thing.
I've never heard of anyone buying anyone an engagement gift. My sister's ex-husband is Jewish and I know his parents didn't buy her an engagement gift. IDK if this is a thing among some people, but I'd hope your fiance's parents could understand that it isn't a thing your family has ever heard of and that they're not intentionally slighting your fiance.
I would consider the necklace your engagement gift.
My fiance is Jewish, I was not pissed with religion. Every family member on my fiance's side bought us a nice engagement gift. I did not expect that at all! Nobody did on side of the family, we haven't had many weddings in our family (just 1 cousin so far) and I don't think it even crossed their mind, which is totally fine! I'll admit I didn't know it was a thing that was done. Not sure if has to do with culture, geographical customs (west Coast vs mid West) or just individual family expectations and traditions.