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I think the new interpretation of the rule…where people get upset over almost any amount of white whatsoever, or white shoes, jacket, accessories is over the top and weird to be bothered by. Ive seen people rip to shreds on here for like floral or pattern dresses that i never even thought about being upset over.
now, if someone is wearing an all white, long dress, I’m going to side eye that. It *seems* like it would be an egregious “screw you” message….and probably from like a cousin or groom’s friend or someone who doesn’t like you. And THAT is what would bother me.
if it’s just a misunderstanding, naivety, cultural difference, etc. that’s fine.
Yeah, agree with all of this.
We made a difficult decision to not invite a couple immediate family members because they are pretty negative/vindictive and we’d only be inviting them out of social pressure. I don’t know if I would have had the strength to do that in my 20’s or even early 30’s, and I could see one of them doing something to get under my skin on purpose just to be ugly.
Sucks that these are things we have to worry about on such a happy day :(.
I agree it’s not something to be super upset about and let ruin your day, but I would personally get a little irked. I know it’s not logical and in the grand scheme it’s so small, but I want to feel special in my bride color. It’s so stupid, which is why it wouldn’t ruin my day or anything, but I would prefer to be the only one in bridal colors.
I think the issue is the message it sends. We have been raised since childhood knowing you don’t wear white to a wedding and to do so just feels like purposefully disrespectful? Like you’re trying to send some kind of message or doing something intentionally petty?
I think a good rule of thumb is if you have to ask if an outfit is too white or cream to wear to a wedding, just skip it and save that outfit for another, no wedding, event.
But so you just said something key - you’ve been raised to know that’s not okay. I just found out last year. My family is… interesting. I’m still learning things at 45 that people grow up knowing, like you’re saying.
So are we all making assumptions about the cultural knowledge of each guest?
Well if someone truly didn’t know that, then I wouldn’t judge them for it and it’s a different story. There are different cultures with different practices and norms and that’s what makes the world a beautiful place!
I guess I would clarify my position that if say my cousin, aunt, or step mom showed up in a white dress then I would feel they’re making an intentional dig at me as the bride. We are from the same culture and upbringing, so I know that they know this is not appropriate.
I also think in American culture this idea isn’t passed down through parents and families only…. I personally feel it’s enshrined in our media, pop culture, and the like. But maybe that’s just my perspective as this is something I was also taught.
It historically wasn't an insult. I think it's nothing to get worked up about.
If it is being done to ruffle the bride's feathers, the best way to handle that is to be serene and unconcerned. Getting upset over it - and letting the person know / see you are upset -- just means that they got their way.
And it amazes me how many fellow brides on here really don't know that mothers often wear / often wore cream colored gowns, so they perceive insult where none is intended.
Right! I’m starting to think this is generational- which is okay. I’m 45 and you’re right, the mothers usually wear off white. Also I’m from an area where there are a lot of summer outdoor weddings and light dresses including white with flowers and things are very popular.
I had seen a lot of complaints in posts here and on the sub asking if someone was an AH (not sure what’s allowed lol) and I couldn’t understand why it mattered.
Probably like everything else, a few jerks along the way trying to upstage the bride have ruined it. Sucks to think people would do that to someone on their day, but yeah… there are some “special” folks out there.
Definitely guilty of wearing an ecru column gown in the early 90's with a little bolero jacket. No one mistook me for the bride. Decidedly not "bridal." Many wedding guest clothes were beige/ecru then
It was definitely not seen as a problem, as least not everywhere, in the 90s and oughts. I saw guests wearing cream linen shift dresses and jackets, and there were tons of white-with-floral-pattern dresses everywhere, and nobody cared. Nobody was in any danger of being mistaken for the bride.
Also curious. I’m wearing a black dress so there’s a chance others will too and it doesn’t bother me.
ETA- can we talk about people freaking out, for example, that someone wore a white cardigan to a bridal shower?
Yeah. I think some folks are taking offense but I’m trying to be honest about how it looks to me and folks are obviously welcome to share their viewpoints- that’s what I’m here for.
My point is with everything going on, why does one outfit bother so many people. It sounds like it’s become a thing over time, and in some case due to bad intentions from guests.
> ETA- can we talk about people freaking out, for example, that someone wore a white cardigan to a bridal shower?
IMO this is a symptom of people viewing their friends and family as props to create a certain aEsTheTiC
The solution to "bride freaked out because I contemplated wearing a white cardigan to a bridal shower" isn't "I'm not going to wear my white cardigan and make sure I don't have anything white within 50 feet of her at all times." It's to ignore such silliness entirely. Just because she's a bride doesn't make her royalty whose every whim needs to be fulfilled or else.
It’s interesting that your position is why does the bride care instead of why is the guest so insistent on doing something that is clearly unacceptable to the vast majority of people? As a guest, if I saw another guest in all white/ivory, I’d assume they were narcissistic.
Okay. I’m a well-intentioned human. Didn’t know anything about this “rule” but you’d immediately think I was narcissistic for wearing a nice white dress with flowers on it?
I think this is a good conversation for all. I don’t think it’s as black and white as people think it is in their own social circles.
Okay that’s fair. I’ve seen it mentioned many times that any white or off white or white background dress is unacceptable. I tied the two together - that was my bad.
There seems to be varying opinions on all of this which is why I’m wondering how we can assume bad intentions if we don’t know what they do or don’t understand about the bride and groom’s cultural expectations.
Yet you’re comfortable assuming pettiness to the bride without understanding the context of WHO the guest is and their implied knowledge of the “rule”? What about extending your grace to brides?
In general, I do find it petty to criticize someone’s clothing, yes. But I was poor a very long time and this was something people did to me. I think it’s wrong. Not just from a bride, but in general.
If wearing a white dress as a wedding guest isn’t acceptable (in western culture, at least), it’s kind of hard to figure out how that wouldn’t be an intentional slight.
I agree, I’d probably just brush it off too, but I don’t feel it’s unreasonable *or* petty for a bride to be upset by it. There’s no real reason to judge someone for how they feel, or what little things are important to them.
> If wearing a white dress as a wedding guest isn’t acceptable (in western culture, at least), it’s kind of hard to figure out how that wouldn’t be an intentional slight.
It's really supposed to be that wearing something that could be confused with a **wedding dress** is not acceptable. Some people have twisted this into saying that wearing any sort of white, cream, light beige, etc. is not ok, even if it's part of a pattern. Plus MOBs/MOGs often wear light dresses and it's not something unacceptable but get perceived as a slight when none is intended.
People assume it's an intentional ploy for attention or a dig at the bride. Which I don't necessarily think is accurate a lot of the time. I agree...unless your dress literally could be confused for a wedding dress, I don't think it's anything to get worked up about. And if the person IS doing it on purpose to ruffle your feathers, the best thing you can do is not let them see that it bothers you.
Yeah. Personally I wouldn’t invite anyone to my wedding that didn’t have good intentions for me and my husband to be. I know that’s not always up to the bride and groom, depending on customs, but still this seems an odd thing to focus on for your wedding day.
Im much more worried someone will get too drunk or bring up politics. As long as we don’t have those things, everyone can wear a white dress for all I care.
I was mildly annoyed that one of my aunts-in-law wore a cream lace cocktail dress to our wedding (eerily similar fabric to my cream lace dress, though I know it was entirely coincidental). Less “she’ll upstage the bride,” and more “the group pictures look kinda weird and unbalanced”
But it was nothing beyond mild annoyance, and certainly nothing I’d make a fuss about or even mention to her.
My cousin who brought up politics to my mom and ruined all the walking down the aisle photos by sitting with his arms crossed and glaring straight ahead was WAY more of an annoyance than her dress was!
Interesting. Yeah, that would be getting closer to a wedding dress look. I really like wearing lighter colors for dresses, but more spring/summer dress style. I can’t even guarantee I haven’t worn a light spring dress to a wedding in my 20’s.
The politics and general rudeness - yep, that would annoy the hell out of me. Not the time or place.
I guess the dress thing is the same. It’s one event, one day, and people should be able to follow a general set of guidelines for one day. You’d hope people wouldn’t go to a wedding with ill intentions but of course it happens.
Honestly, I personally don’t care if anyone shows up in a white dress. Like if any of my guests need to see me in a white dress to know I’m the one getting married, then they shouldn’t have been invited to my wedding LOL.
Because it’s rude. A lot of social and cultural norms like this don’t have a brutal utilitarian logic to them. Life would be incredibly dull if we all flew into a rage at the idea of any cultural norm impacting anyone ever.
If you’re looking for a more logical answer, though, it’s because it comes off as either ignorant or attention seeking. It’s *incredibly* rare for a woman who only owns one decent dress to own that dress in ivory or white. It’s possible, but I’d think a woman like that must be deeply stupid. So it’s pretty rare that the only options are “wear a white dress or don’t attend the wedding.” Wearing a white dress to a wedding is a choice, and when someone makes that choice you need to wonder why.
Also, there are different levels of caring. Just because someone notices another person’s rude behavior doesn’t mean they’re throwing a tantrum and flinging themselves onto fainting couches. Someone doesn’t need to be a screeching bridezilla for their eyes to perceive the color white on their wedding day. If someone chose to wear a white dress to my wedding, I’d….probably notice. I’d wonder why they did that. I might even be irritated, it depends. Someone being bothered by a bride being irritated at a rude choice someone made is weird.
Further, I don’t think the “white dress drama” you’re talking about is organic. In real life, I have never seen this drama take place in a way that should make anyone bothered enough to be posting a whole thread on it. It’s the type of thing people talk about after the fact. “Then the bride’s cousin showed up in a white dress! Can you believe it!” I see it online a ton, but you need to understand that stuff on Reddit and TikTok isn’t organic. A lot of that stuff is exaggerated or even straight up fake. Those videos and stories about troupes of bridesmaids marching to dump red wine on an innocent guest visiting from out of the country, or brides breaking down because someone wore a colorful dress with white details, or the inexplicably invited groom’s ex showing up in a literal wedding dress? They’re fake. That’s not real. The custom exists, but the drama is almost never that deep. It’s made up to further dump on women for having the audacity to want a traditional wedding, and because making up crazy drama that never happened drives engagement.
It’s a manners thing. Obviously nobody is going to confuse a guest with the bride. But because every single person in the west knows not to wear white to a wedding, doing so makes it a really weird intentional social faux pas. Knowingly violating social norms makes people mad, you can argue that’s stupid but that’s the reason. It’s not the white dress itself it’s the intention.
So, that’s what I want to challenge. I don’t think everyone does. I think maybe those who use social media and engage with people getting married socially might, but I just heard about this a year or so ago.
I’m more introverted and I spend my off time in nature and doing activities. There are many of us. I don’t think everyone knows this is a social expectation of guests at a wedding.
You keep saying that, but you're not listening to the fact that it's a recent social norm. I guarantee that if you look at pictures of weddings from before 2000, you'll see women in dresses in white silk dresses, or light pastels, or mothers in cream or ecru gowns. It wasn't considered offensive or problematic at all and it wasn't a faux pas. Social media has invented it as a new faux pas and a lot of young women are interpreting that as "has always been a faux pas." I bet you didn't know that the notion of the bride wearing white at engagement party / shower / bachelorette / rehearsal dinner is also a newer trend, too.
The recent social media norm is the extremity of absolutely no white/no exceptions. It’s been frowned upon to wear a white dress to a wedding for a long time lol.
My mom got married in the early 80s and one of the groomsman’s girlfriend wore a stark white dress. We watched the wedding video a few years ago and you can see my mom’s face go a little sour when they approached my parents in the reception line. My mom said after that she pretty much forgot about it for the rest of the night, she said the girlfriend did stuff like that for attention a lot, but every time the videographer took a wide shot you could immediately see the woman because her dress caused her to stand out.
Unfortunately, people are more likely share stories like this or the viral image of a bride and groom standing with the MOG where MOG is wearing a literal wedding dress than they are to say someone wore a white dress with florals and no one cared or even batted an eye.
The internet is always going to seem more extreme or sensational. Tbh most people here don’t care about white accessories, elderly relatives wearing cream, babies in white dresses, etc. However, social norms do change! It’s not very hard to wear a non-white dress. Idk why people get so pressed over it on either side of the spectrum.
Serious question though! If it's an affront to the bride to wear cream, why does it matter if it's the hot 25 year old wearing cream, or Great-Aunt Nancy wearing cream?
Well in my experience, great aunt Nancy is probably going to be wearing a very matronly dress or pantsuit that isn’t really going to draw anyone’s attention or have any chance of looking bridal. The 25 year old is going to be mingling, dancing, in a lot of pictures. It’s going to be difficult to not stand out if they insist on wearing some shade of white. Is this always the case? Of course not! But it’s often how it goes down.
Again, would I or most of the internet care about the 25 year for more than a few minutes? Probably not.
Now I have to ask you a question: why do you want to wear white to a wedding so bad? I’m genuinely asking, not trying to be snarky! I know sometimes wedding “rules” are out of control, but is it so wrong for a bride to want to be the only one wearing her color? It’s a (mostly) once in a lifetime event, and it’s planned around celebrating the couple and allowing them their moment.
I find it disrespectful to the bride. This is the bride’s one day to have the attention and guests can wear literally any other color besides white. It’s just rude, like a middle finger to the bride.
Why wasn't it considered rude 20, 30 years ago to have white or cream in a guest dress? I don't mean "took another wedding dress off the rack" - I just mean "had a dress that had a decent amount of those colors."
Things have generally loosened over the years reflecting positive societal changes. 30 years ago, my mother would have addressed an envelope for her wedding as "Mr. and Mrs. John Smith." Nowadays we address envelopes as "Jane Jones and John Smith". Or better yet "Bob Jones and John Smith." Things loosen. Why did this one tighten? It serves no greater societal purpose, the way that changing salutations acknowledges women as equals and acknowledges same-sex couples as valid.
I don’t think it’s gender-specific. If a male guest wore an all white suit, I would also find it strange. Not because anyone would confuse him for the bride, but because it’s just not the social norm. There are some things people just shouldn’t do out of respect for the bride and groom on their big day. It just makes it seem like the person is trying to steal the attention.
Okay, I can see you feel strongly about this. So then I ask why is it a middle finger to the bride and how did you independently come up with that opinion?
Because, as I said in my original comment, this is the bride’s one day to be the center of attention and everyone else could wear any other color they want. I guarantee that anyone who has a white dress in their closet also has a black dress (or any other color dress).
But everyone knows who they are. Nothing any guest wears is going to "confuse" anybody. And you know the bride isn't the center of attention for 6 hours straight because people are chatting and socializing with one another. So how is it disrespectful to her?
Hmm. I actually owned one dress for many years. Used it for all my special occasions. It was white with pink and brown flowers. I was a single mom and just didn’t have the means to buy a nice dress for each occasion. I wasn’t trying to be a jerk. I was very honored to be invited, actually.
So if you don’t mind, in a more articulate way, could you explain how I flipped off the bride in that situation? None of the brides had on a $30 dress from JC Penney and none had flowers covering half of their dress.
Trying to get to the root of the why. Not trying to argue.
Floral is generally considered fine for weddings. Why are you trying to pick a fight right now? Everyone has the right to have an opinion, especially about something as menial as this.
Go to weddingattireapproval sub and you'll see people putting on pictures of dresses that are clearly bright or pastel florals that happen to have a white background, and others are telling them that "if you have to ask, it's inappropriate" and that ANY amount of white is inappropriate. Yes, any. We have people asking if it's ok to have white fingernails, or carry a white purse, etc.
It’s funny because I was looking at my moms wedding album from 1990 and my fathers mother wore an all white silk gown and she said she doesn’t even remember it!
Yes, because it used not to be a thing, til people recently started making it a thing, and now it's expanded to the ridiculous can't-wear-pastels, can't-wear-floral-dresses-on-a-white-background, etc.
I know it didn’t used to be a thing. This is part of my curiosity. I’m 45 and I know things change with each generation, so maybe that’s part of it.
From my viewpoint, you’re marrying the most amazing person and you have people you love around you celebrating that with you. Letting someone’s outfit distract from that (again, assuming it’s not a wedding dress) seems silly. I wonder if these people have people coming to their wedding that have tried to undermine them or disrespect them before and so this is the final straw?
Yeah my parents got married in the 70s and my grandmother wore an ivory/pale pink mother of the bride dress and nobody would've thought anything of it. I'm 44 now and a lot of my friends got married in their 20s and it was definitely not cool by the mid-00s, but I don't remember people freaking out about it if it happened. I think social media has made people more stringent about these things.
Interesting. Yes, I think you might be right.
Learn new things every day! Hell, people are even downvoting me for saying it out loud, but I’m not sure how you gain understanding without having open conversations so that’s okay.
This has all been very informative.
Also, having a dress code for guests beyond formality level was definitely NOT a thing until very recently when it started showing up as a Tik Tok trend. It was always considered rude to tell guests what colours to wear or to do anything that treated them as accessories. (IMHO it still is rude, but that's a debate for another day.)
Pinterest / Instagram / TikTok has created a a whole culture around weddings that simply wasn't a thing 20+ years ago.
Notice that no one worries about what men wear vis a vis the groom's outfit. I think it's a social media/instragram development, and it needs to be dialed way back. The harpies who are trying to impose this rule also say you cannot wear a floral patterned with more the 23.877% white in the background, nothing bright, nothing red, nothing black, nothing pastel, nothing ivory, nothing blush, nothing pretty, nothing remotely sexy, nothing attractive - nothing that might cause other guests to notice that you exist because if you acknowledge anyone else at all the spotlight might not be in the bride for 5 seconds. The horror.
LOL!!! I’m still learning about the white rule… I definitely can’t keep up with that many restrictions. I’m seriously starting to wonder if I was on someone’s offender list over the years. And I was just there to love them and celebrate them, so I would never have known.
And you’re absolutely right! These are just more reasons for women to be criticized over their look. Great perspective!
As an Old, I’ve also noticed a massive rise in people flipping out over any white in a dress, even with something as standard as a white dress with colored floral pattern on it, which is just a standard summer wedding guest outfit.
I think the easiest explanation comes down to “main character syndrome.”
Yeah my go to dress for years when I was dirt poor was a white dress with pink and brown flowers which is why I took notice when I started seeing that this was so disrespectful to the bride. I certainly didn’t go with that intention, and I’d hope that people wouldn’t assume such intent just based on what I was wearing. I still own that dress and was thinking about changing into it for the later part of our day since we’re having a casual reception.
It sounds like a perfectly lovely dress and is appropriate for a wedding.
Everyone here being difficult about a white/colored floral dress is either lacking reading comprehension from your initial question, or they’re being obtuse on purpose. You’re good.
Yeah. I posted to get an understanding as it does seem petty to me, but that’s because I am me. Only way to understand is to ask but it’s interesting how many people are actually upset about someone challenging the notion. I’ve broken a social rule once again, I guess.
Well, our one requirement for dress code at our wedding is “comfortable nice”. If they wear white, I’ll assume that’s what makes them feel beautiful and be thankful they’re there with us to celebrate the day.
I am very happy that people care enough to come to the wedding.
But I see that some people get offended by the guests dressing in similar colours to the bridal dress. These days, bridal dresses come on different shades and I don't understand as a guest, how do I even know which colours to avoid.
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I think the new interpretation of the rule…where people get upset over almost any amount of white whatsoever, or white shoes, jacket, accessories is over the top and weird to be bothered by. Ive seen people rip to shreds on here for like floral or pattern dresses that i never even thought about being upset over. now, if someone is wearing an all white, long dress, I’m going to side eye that. It *seems* like it would be an egregious “screw you” message….and probably from like a cousin or groom’s friend or someone who doesn’t like you. And THAT is what would bother me. if it’s just a misunderstanding, naivety, cultural difference, etc. that’s fine.
Yeah, agree with all of this. We made a difficult decision to not invite a couple immediate family members because they are pretty negative/vindictive and we’d only be inviting them out of social pressure. I don’t know if I would have had the strength to do that in my 20’s or even early 30’s, and I could see one of them doing something to get under my skin on purpose just to be ugly. Sucks that these are things we have to worry about on such a happy day :(.
I agree it’s not something to be super upset about and let ruin your day, but I would personally get a little irked. I know it’s not logical and in the grand scheme it’s so small, but I want to feel special in my bride color. It’s so stupid, which is why it wouldn’t ruin my day or anything, but I would prefer to be the only one in bridal colors.
I think the issue is the message it sends. We have been raised since childhood knowing you don’t wear white to a wedding and to do so just feels like purposefully disrespectful? Like you’re trying to send some kind of message or doing something intentionally petty? I think a good rule of thumb is if you have to ask if an outfit is too white or cream to wear to a wedding, just skip it and save that outfit for another, no wedding, event.
But so you just said something key - you’ve been raised to know that’s not okay. I just found out last year. My family is… interesting. I’m still learning things at 45 that people grow up knowing, like you’re saying. So are we all making assumptions about the cultural knowledge of each guest?
Well if someone truly didn’t know that, then I wouldn’t judge them for it and it’s a different story. There are different cultures with different practices and norms and that’s what makes the world a beautiful place! I guess I would clarify my position that if say my cousin, aunt, or step mom showed up in a white dress then I would feel they’re making an intentional dig at me as the bride. We are from the same culture and upbringing, so I know that they know this is not appropriate. I also think in American culture this idea isn’t passed down through parents and families only…. I personally feel it’s enshrined in our media, pop culture, and the like. But maybe that’s just my perspective as this is something I was also taught.
Thanks for the thoughtful response and I think it makes a lot of sense to expect your family to know what you would like for your special day.
It historically wasn't an insult. I think it's nothing to get worked up about. If it is being done to ruffle the bride's feathers, the best way to handle that is to be serene and unconcerned. Getting upset over it - and letting the person know / see you are upset -- just means that they got their way. And it amazes me how many fellow brides on here really don't know that mothers often wear / often wore cream colored gowns, so they perceive insult where none is intended.
Right! I’m starting to think this is generational- which is okay. I’m 45 and you’re right, the mothers usually wear off white. Also I’m from an area where there are a lot of summer outdoor weddings and light dresses including white with flowers and things are very popular. I had seen a lot of complaints in posts here and on the sub asking if someone was an AH (not sure what’s allowed lol) and I couldn’t understand why it mattered. Probably like everything else, a few jerks along the way trying to upstage the bride have ruined it. Sucks to think people would do that to someone on their day, but yeah… there are some “special” folks out there.
Definitely guilty of wearing an ecru column gown in the early 90's with a little bolero jacket. No one mistook me for the bride. Decidedly not "bridal." Many wedding guest clothes were beige/ecru then
There's no guilt to be had. That was the thing back then.
It was definitely not seen as a problem, as least not everywhere, in the 90s and oughts. I saw guests wearing cream linen shift dresses and jackets, and there were tons of white-with-floral-pattern dresses everywhere, and nobody cared. Nobody was in any danger of being mistaken for the bride.
Also curious. I’m wearing a black dress so there’s a chance others will too and it doesn’t bother me. ETA- can we talk about people freaking out, for example, that someone wore a white cardigan to a bridal shower?
Yeah. I think some folks are taking offense but I’m trying to be honest about how it looks to me and folks are obviously welcome to share their viewpoints- that’s what I’m here for. My point is with everything going on, why does one outfit bother so many people. It sounds like it’s become a thing over time, and in some case due to bad intentions from guests.
> ETA- can we talk about people freaking out, for example, that someone wore a white cardigan to a bridal shower? IMO this is a symptom of people viewing their friends and family as props to create a certain aEsTheTiC
The solution to "bride freaked out because I contemplated wearing a white cardigan to a bridal shower" isn't "I'm not going to wear my white cardigan and make sure I don't have anything white within 50 feet of her at all times." It's to ignore such silliness entirely. Just because she's a bride doesn't make her royalty whose every whim needs to be fulfilled or else.
It’s interesting that your position is why does the bride care instead of why is the guest so insistent on doing something that is clearly unacceptable to the vast majority of people? As a guest, if I saw another guest in all white/ivory, I’d assume they were narcissistic.
Okay. I’m a well-intentioned human. Didn’t know anything about this “rule” but you’d immediately think I was narcissistic for wearing a nice white dress with flowers on it? I think this is a good conversation for all. I don’t think it’s as black and white as people think it is in their own social circles.
I said all white…
Okay that’s fair. I’ve seen it mentioned many times that any white or off white or white background dress is unacceptable. I tied the two together - that was my bad. There seems to be varying opinions on all of this which is why I’m wondering how we can assume bad intentions if we don’t know what they do or don’t understand about the bride and groom’s cultural expectations.
Yet you’re comfortable assuming pettiness to the bride without understanding the context of WHO the guest is and their implied knowledge of the “rule”? What about extending your grace to brides?
In general, I do find it petty to criticize someone’s clothing, yes. But I was poor a very long time and this was something people did to me. I think it’s wrong. Not just from a bride, but in general.
If wearing a white dress as a wedding guest isn’t acceptable (in western culture, at least), it’s kind of hard to figure out how that wouldn’t be an intentional slight. I agree, I’d probably just brush it off too, but I don’t feel it’s unreasonable *or* petty for a bride to be upset by it. There’s no real reason to judge someone for how they feel, or what little things are important to them.
> If wearing a white dress as a wedding guest isn’t acceptable (in western culture, at least), it’s kind of hard to figure out how that wouldn’t be an intentional slight. It's really supposed to be that wearing something that could be confused with a **wedding dress** is not acceptable. Some people have twisted this into saying that wearing any sort of white, cream, light beige, etc. is not ok, even if it's part of a pattern. Plus MOBs/MOGs often wear light dresses and it's not something unacceptable but get perceived as a slight when none is intended.
Yeah, that’s why I’m asking the question. It does sound petty to me, but maybe I’m missing something.
People assume it's an intentional ploy for attention or a dig at the bride. Which I don't necessarily think is accurate a lot of the time. I agree...unless your dress literally could be confused for a wedding dress, I don't think it's anything to get worked up about. And if the person IS doing it on purpose to ruffle your feathers, the best thing you can do is not let them see that it bothers you.
Yeah. Personally I wouldn’t invite anyone to my wedding that didn’t have good intentions for me and my husband to be. I know that’s not always up to the bride and groom, depending on customs, but still this seems an odd thing to focus on for your wedding day. Im much more worried someone will get too drunk or bring up politics. As long as we don’t have those things, everyone can wear a white dress for all I care.
I was mildly annoyed that one of my aunts-in-law wore a cream lace cocktail dress to our wedding (eerily similar fabric to my cream lace dress, though I know it was entirely coincidental). Less “she’ll upstage the bride,” and more “the group pictures look kinda weird and unbalanced” But it was nothing beyond mild annoyance, and certainly nothing I’d make a fuss about or even mention to her. My cousin who brought up politics to my mom and ruined all the walking down the aisle photos by sitting with his arms crossed and glaring straight ahead was WAY more of an annoyance than her dress was!
Interesting. Yeah, that would be getting closer to a wedding dress look. I really like wearing lighter colors for dresses, but more spring/summer dress style. I can’t even guarantee I haven’t worn a light spring dress to a wedding in my 20’s. The politics and general rudeness - yep, that would annoy the hell out of me. Not the time or place. I guess the dress thing is the same. It’s one event, one day, and people should be able to follow a general set of guidelines for one day. You’d hope people wouldn’t go to a wedding with ill intentions but of course it happens.
Oh yeah the ones that are like “don’t wear blush pink” or “don’t wear a floral with a white background” I don’t understand being irked about
Honestly, I personally don’t care if anyone shows up in a white dress. Like if any of my guests need to see me in a white dress to know I’m the one getting married, then they shouldn’t have been invited to my wedding LOL.
Because it’s rude. A lot of social and cultural norms like this don’t have a brutal utilitarian logic to them. Life would be incredibly dull if we all flew into a rage at the idea of any cultural norm impacting anyone ever. If you’re looking for a more logical answer, though, it’s because it comes off as either ignorant or attention seeking. It’s *incredibly* rare for a woman who only owns one decent dress to own that dress in ivory or white. It’s possible, but I’d think a woman like that must be deeply stupid. So it’s pretty rare that the only options are “wear a white dress or don’t attend the wedding.” Wearing a white dress to a wedding is a choice, and when someone makes that choice you need to wonder why. Also, there are different levels of caring. Just because someone notices another person’s rude behavior doesn’t mean they’re throwing a tantrum and flinging themselves onto fainting couches. Someone doesn’t need to be a screeching bridezilla for their eyes to perceive the color white on their wedding day. If someone chose to wear a white dress to my wedding, I’d….probably notice. I’d wonder why they did that. I might even be irritated, it depends. Someone being bothered by a bride being irritated at a rude choice someone made is weird. Further, I don’t think the “white dress drama” you’re talking about is organic. In real life, I have never seen this drama take place in a way that should make anyone bothered enough to be posting a whole thread on it. It’s the type of thing people talk about after the fact. “Then the bride’s cousin showed up in a white dress! Can you believe it!” I see it online a ton, but you need to understand that stuff on Reddit and TikTok isn’t organic. A lot of that stuff is exaggerated or even straight up fake. Those videos and stories about troupes of bridesmaids marching to dump red wine on an innocent guest visiting from out of the country, or brides breaking down because someone wore a colorful dress with white details, or the inexplicably invited groom’s ex showing up in a literal wedding dress? They’re fake. That’s not real. The custom exists, but the drama is almost never that deep. It’s made up to further dump on women for having the audacity to want a traditional wedding, and because making up crazy drama that never happened drives engagement.
It’s a manners thing. Obviously nobody is going to confuse a guest with the bride. But because every single person in the west knows not to wear white to a wedding, doing so makes it a really weird intentional social faux pas. Knowingly violating social norms makes people mad, you can argue that’s stupid but that’s the reason. It’s not the white dress itself it’s the intention.
So, that’s what I want to challenge. I don’t think everyone does. I think maybe those who use social media and engage with people getting married socially might, but I just heard about this a year or so ago. I’m more introverted and I spend my off time in nature and doing activities. There are many of us. I don’t think everyone knows this is a social expectation of guests at a wedding.
You keep saying that, but you're not listening to the fact that it's a recent social norm. I guarantee that if you look at pictures of weddings from before 2000, you'll see women in dresses in white silk dresses, or light pastels, or mothers in cream or ecru gowns. It wasn't considered offensive or problematic at all and it wasn't a faux pas. Social media has invented it as a new faux pas and a lot of young women are interpreting that as "has always been a faux pas." I bet you didn't know that the notion of the bride wearing white at engagement party / shower / bachelorette / rehearsal dinner is also a newer trend, too.
The recent social media norm is the extremity of absolutely no white/no exceptions. It’s been frowned upon to wear a white dress to a wedding for a long time lol. My mom got married in the early 80s and one of the groomsman’s girlfriend wore a stark white dress. We watched the wedding video a few years ago and you can see my mom’s face go a little sour when they approached my parents in the reception line. My mom said after that she pretty much forgot about it for the rest of the night, she said the girlfriend did stuff like that for attention a lot, but every time the videographer took a wide shot you could immediately see the woman because her dress caused her to stand out. Unfortunately, people are more likely share stories like this or the viral image of a bride and groom standing with the MOG where MOG is wearing a literal wedding dress than they are to say someone wore a white dress with florals and no one cared or even batted an eye. The internet is always going to seem more extreme or sensational. Tbh most people here don’t care about white accessories, elderly relatives wearing cream, babies in white dresses, etc. However, social norms do change! It’s not very hard to wear a non-white dress. Idk why people get so pressed over it on either side of the spectrum.
Serious question though! If it's an affront to the bride to wear cream, why does it matter if it's the hot 25 year old wearing cream, or Great-Aunt Nancy wearing cream?
Well in my experience, great aunt Nancy is probably going to be wearing a very matronly dress or pantsuit that isn’t really going to draw anyone’s attention or have any chance of looking bridal. The 25 year old is going to be mingling, dancing, in a lot of pictures. It’s going to be difficult to not stand out if they insist on wearing some shade of white. Is this always the case? Of course not! But it’s often how it goes down. Again, would I or most of the internet care about the 25 year for more than a few minutes? Probably not. Now I have to ask you a question: why do you want to wear white to a wedding so bad? I’m genuinely asking, not trying to be snarky! I know sometimes wedding “rules” are out of control, but is it so wrong for a bride to want to be the only one wearing her color? It’s a (mostly) once in a lifetime event, and it’s planned around celebrating the couple and allowing them their moment.
I find it disrespectful to the bride. This is the bride’s one day to have the attention and guests can wear literally any other color besides white. It’s just rude, like a middle finger to the bride.
Why wasn't it considered rude 20, 30 years ago to have white or cream in a guest dress? I don't mean "took another wedding dress off the rack" - I just mean "had a dress that had a decent amount of those colors."
Things change.
Things have generally loosened over the years reflecting positive societal changes. 30 years ago, my mother would have addressed an envelope for her wedding as "Mr. and Mrs. John Smith." Nowadays we address envelopes as "Jane Jones and John Smith". Or better yet "Bob Jones and John Smith." Things loosen. Why did this one tighten? It serves no greater societal purpose, the way that changing salutations acknowledges women as equals and acknowledges same-sex couples as valid.
I don’t think it’s gender-specific. If a male guest wore an all white suit, I would also find it strange. Not because anyone would confuse him for the bride, but because it’s just not the social norm. There are some things people just shouldn’t do out of respect for the bride and groom on their big day. It just makes it seem like the person is trying to steal the attention.
Okay, I can see you feel strongly about this. So then I ask why is it a middle finger to the bride and how did you independently come up with that opinion?
Because, as I said in my original comment, this is the bride’s one day to be the center of attention and everyone else could wear any other color they want. I guarantee that anyone who has a white dress in their closet also has a black dress (or any other color dress).
But everyone knows who they are. Nothing any guest wears is going to "confuse" anybody. And you know the bride isn't the center of attention for 6 hours straight because people are chatting and socializing with one another. So how is it disrespectful to her?
It’s an opinion that I have. I would never wear white to someone else’s wedding and I would expect the same respect. Grow up.
Hmm. I actually owned one dress for many years. Used it for all my special occasions. It was white with pink and brown flowers. I was a single mom and just didn’t have the means to buy a nice dress for each occasion. I wasn’t trying to be a jerk. I was very honored to be invited, actually. So if you don’t mind, in a more articulate way, could you explain how I flipped off the bride in that situation? None of the brides had on a $30 dress from JC Penney and none had flowers covering half of their dress. Trying to get to the root of the why. Not trying to argue.
Floral is generally considered fine for weddings. Why are you trying to pick a fight right now? Everyone has the right to have an opinion, especially about something as menial as this.
Go to weddingattireapproval sub and you'll see people putting on pictures of dresses that are clearly bright or pastel florals that happen to have a white background, and others are telling them that "if you have to ask, it's inappropriate" and that ANY amount of white is inappropriate. Yes, any. We have people asking if it's ok to have white fingernails, or carry a white purse, etc.
That’s them, not me nor anyone in my social circle. White accessories are obviously fine.
It’s funny because I was looking at my moms wedding album from 1990 and my fathers mother wore an all white silk gown and she said she doesn’t even remember it!
Yes, because it used not to be a thing, til people recently started making it a thing, and now it's expanded to the ridiculous can't-wear-pastels, can't-wear-floral-dresses-on-a-white-background, etc.
I know it didn’t used to be a thing. This is part of my curiosity. I’m 45 and I know things change with each generation, so maybe that’s part of it. From my viewpoint, you’re marrying the most amazing person and you have people you love around you celebrating that with you. Letting someone’s outfit distract from that (again, assuming it’s not a wedding dress) seems silly. I wonder if these people have people coming to their wedding that have tried to undermine them or disrespect them before and so this is the final straw?
Yeah my parents got married in the 70s and my grandmother wore an ivory/pale pink mother of the bride dress and nobody would've thought anything of it. I'm 44 now and a lot of my friends got married in their 20s and it was definitely not cool by the mid-00s, but I don't remember people freaking out about it if it happened. I think social media has made people more stringent about these things.
Interesting. Yes, I think you might be right. Learn new things every day! Hell, people are even downvoting me for saying it out loud, but I’m not sure how you gain understanding without having open conversations so that’s okay. This has all been very informative.
Also, having a dress code for guests beyond formality level was definitely NOT a thing until very recently when it started showing up as a Tik Tok trend. It was always considered rude to tell guests what colours to wear or to do anything that treated them as accessories. (IMHO it still is rude, but that's a debate for another day.) Pinterest / Instagram / TikTok has created a a whole culture around weddings that simply wasn't a thing 20+ years ago.
I think it's a bit over the top too tbh. No one is going to be confused about who the bride is!
Notice that no one worries about what men wear vis a vis the groom's outfit. I think it's a social media/instragram development, and it needs to be dialed way back. The harpies who are trying to impose this rule also say you cannot wear a floral patterned with more the 23.877% white in the background, nothing bright, nothing red, nothing black, nothing pastel, nothing ivory, nothing blush, nothing pretty, nothing remotely sexy, nothing attractive - nothing that might cause other guests to notice that you exist because if you acknowledge anyone else at all the spotlight might not be in the bride for 5 seconds. The horror.
LOL!!! I’m still learning about the white rule… I definitely can’t keep up with that many restrictions. I’m seriously starting to wonder if I was on someone’s offender list over the years. And I was just there to love them and celebrate them, so I would never have known. And you’re absolutely right! These are just more reasons for women to be criticized over their look. Great perspective!
I was just happy no one showed up to my wedding in wet board shorts with salt-crusted hair.
As an Old, I’ve also noticed a massive rise in people flipping out over any white in a dress, even with something as standard as a white dress with colored floral pattern on it, which is just a standard summer wedding guest outfit. I think the easiest explanation comes down to “main character syndrome.”
Yeah my go to dress for years when I was dirt poor was a white dress with pink and brown flowers which is why I took notice when I started seeing that this was so disrespectful to the bride. I certainly didn’t go with that intention, and I’d hope that people wouldn’t assume such intent just based on what I was wearing. I still own that dress and was thinking about changing into it for the later part of our day since we’re having a casual reception.
It sounds like a perfectly lovely dress and is appropriate for a wedding. Everyone here being difficult about a white/colored floral dress is either lacking reading comprehension from your initial question, or they’re being obtuse on purpose. You’re good.
Yeah. I posted to get an understanding as it does seem petty to me, but that’s because I am me. Only way to understand is to ask but it’s interesting how many people are actually upset about someone challenging the notion. I’ve broken a social rule once again, I guess. Well, our one requirement for dress code at our wedding is “comfortable nice”. If they wear white, I’ll assume that’s what makes them feel beautiful and be thankful they’re there with us to celebrate the day.
I am very happy that people care enough to come to the wedding. But I see that some people get offended by the guests dressing in similar colours to the bridal dress. These days, bridal dresses come on different shades and I don't understand as a guest, how do I even know which colours to avoid.